Empire Times 44.5

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ANIMAL MASTURBATION, PORNOGRAPHY REVOLUTION, FLYING THE PRIDE FLAG/

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The Team EDITORS Eleanor Danenberg, Lisandra Linde, Liam McNally SUB-EDITORS Elise Christopher, Ainsley Ewart, Kayla Gaskell, Brenton Griffin, Jack Harrison, Cameron Lowe, Patrick O’Loughlin, Vanshika Sinh, Karen Smart, Marithe Solis, Sundus Raza, Kirsty van der Veer, Leeza Von Alpen COLUMNISTS Amber Anon, Aden Beaver & Tom Goldblatt, Brenton Griffin, Patrick O’Loughlin ILLUSTRATIONS Alyzza Barreta Michelle Eoncheff Melanie Pal Sheydin Dew

CONTRIBUTORS Alyzza Barreta, Teaghan Buggy, Ainsley Ewart, Richard Falkner, Oleander Glenie, Chelsea Griffith, Grace Hensel, Audrey Horne, Stuart Jefferies, Cameron Lowe, Liam McNally, BM, Claire Perry, Jordon O’Reilly, Lee Salvemini, Alice Short, Vanshika Sinh ADVERTISING/MEDIA Steph Walker stephanie.walker@flinders.edu.au About the cover art: The galactic beauty you see on the highly coveted Sex issue cover is the work of Melanie Pal

With thanks to: Kirsty van der Veer and Vanshika Sinh for sub-editing for the very first time!

Enquiries Level 1, Student Hub, Flinders University (FUSA) 1 Registry Road Bedford Park, 5042

Empire Times would like to acknowledge the Kaurna people who are the traditional custodians of the land Flinders University is situated on, and that this land was never ceded, but stolen. We would like to pay our respects to the elders of the Kaurna nation and extend that respect to other Aboriginal peoples, past, present, and future.

Empire Times is a publication of Flinders University Student Association (FUSA). Empire Times is printed by Flinders Press.

The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the editors, Flinders University, or Flinders University Student Association. Reasonable care is taken to ensure that Empire Times articles and other information are up-to-date and as accurate as possible, as of the time of publication, but no responsibility can be taken by Empire Times Magazine for any errors or omissions contained herein.

WRITERS, PHOTOGRAPHERS, ILLUSTRATORS & MAKERS OF PRETTY INTERESTING THINGS! Empire Times is a student publication that prints 10 times over the academic year. It is made by students, for students and provides a unique opportunity for students to be published, to talk about what's important to them and to be read by those in their community.

Empire Times relies entirely on contributions from the readers to make up its content. Each selected piece goes through a collaborative editing process. We're very friendly, email empire.times@flinders.edu.au to find out everything you need to know about being part of the team.

On Campus What’s going on?

Ju ly 24-28 Monday - Market Day, featuring clubs and stalls Tuesday - Quiz at 3pm in the Tavern & Relax Day in the Hub Wednesday - Christmas in July event

O’ We ek (R ound 2)

For more information, check the FUSA Facebook page

Ju ne FL ICS ( Fl inde rs Unive rs it y Cine phi l e S o cie t y )

FLICS Movie Screenings: See Facebook page for locations and further details.

26 July/ The Princess Bride

Ju ly 10

Ju ly 25

Empire Times Issue 7 (Pop Culture) contributor deadline. Email submissions to empire. times@flinders.edu.au

FUSA R el ax D ay. Thanks

Opinion pieces, artwork, fiction, poetry, recipes, music reviews, whatever your heart desires!

to your student association, you can pick up some great freebies like food, haircuts, and massages. RELAX!

C ont r ibutor D e ad line Tuesday 25th / Hub

Ju ly 3-2 4 Oh you lucky devils!

The mid year break is the time when uni students are supposed to prepare for their semester 2 topics.

Mid Ye ar Bre a k

However, most uni students use this time for Netflix binges, staying up late and sleeping in long, and ignoring the university responsibility mere weeks away... SEMESTER 2!

Ju ly - Ju l y 1 0 t h : On t h i s d ay i n 1 9 0 7 , t h e fi rs t Au s t ra l i a n te l e p h o n e ca l l wa s m a d e b et we e n Syd n ey a n d Me l b o u r n e - Ju l y 2 8 t h : On t h i s d ay i n 1 9 2 1 , Ed i t h Cowa n b e ca m e t h e fi rs t wo m a n to b e e l e cte d to Au s t ra l i a n Pa r l i a m e nt

Aust ra li an Histor ic a l Events

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Editorial

I was an editor of Empire Times last year as well as this year, so I’ve had the blessing to work on not one, but TWO Sex Issues!

Looking back at last year’s Sex Issue, this year’s Sex Issue certainly measures up, so to speak. The Sex issue last year had nipples on the front cover and an ass on the back cover, which is quite fitting, really.

This year’s Sex Issue has both nipples and booty on the front cover - how’s that for efficiency!

In my Sex Issue editorial picture last year, I was wearing one of my fave feminist slogan tshirts, one that says “Burn Your Bra”. How does that compare to my editorial picture in this issue? Well, I’m wearing a blouse with an almost “pussy bow”, which I think is a subtle homage to this sexy issue.

Last year we had a dick pic in our letters to the editor section, we had an erotic colouring page where a bonus challenge was to count all of the hidden nipples within, and we had a recipe for a vegan feast; grilled eggplant burgers, sweet potato fries, and a heavenly roast capsicum hummus. Who doesn’t find vego & vegan recipes sexy??? Well, I do, but then again I’m biased, as I’m a pescetarian whose livein boyfriend is a vegetarian. Anyway, we have another vegan recipe in this year’s Sex Issue, and amazingly enough, it’s a recipe for balls. Vegan meatballs. Lordie, so many sex puns to be made, so little time.

POCKET CHANGE PANTRY IS BACK! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! A massive thank you to the lovely humans of the Flinders University Vegetarian and Vegan Club for making this beautiful resurrection possible with their recipe wizardry (see page 28).

Fifteen issues of Empire Times to date and God knows how many more to come. Conversations with other student editors around the place have led me to understand that taking on a second year is an act undertaken by only the most mad and unhinged of people. This of course made me the perfect person for the job.

This sex issue was surprisingly tame. I was hoping to trawl through a forest of red tape and ogle beautiful boob art, read some porny stories and get some great, uh… film recommendations. That being said, we were still blessed with a piece on animal masturbation and lots of other quality content for you all to sink your teeth into.

Empire Times at its best engages the students and in at least one case I know of, it spurred one person on to involve themselves in other facets of university life by showcasing the options Flinders University offers.

The job is a wonderful opportunity and it The fact that this issue even made it continues to be an honour to uphold the to print is a miracle. Who thought 9am high ethical standards of the magazine at exams on a Thursday were a good idea? all times.

Someone with a serious sadistic streak, that’s for sure. No doubt you’re all picking Liam up this issue post-exam-madness but take a moment to appreciate all the contributors and sub-editors who made it possible by working through the insanity of the final weeks of semester.

Congratulations to you, dear reader, for making it to the midway point of the academic year. And for not losing interest in your weird laser-beam-eye-cat, retroavo, duck-obsessed student magazine.

After five issues I still suck at editorials so here is another shitty scribble for y’all.

This year’s Sex Issue is wonderfully diverse and has been a blast to make. Inside you’ll find an article about HIV prevention in South Australia, an article exploring the rise of female-made pornography, an article about girl band Little Mix and their potentially sexualised image, some intimate poetry, and sexy, erotic artwork scattered throughout, and so much more.

Here’s hoping that next year’s Sex Issue has another glorious vagina on a 2 page spread like we did last year!

Enjoy, and be safe! ;) Love, Eleanor XXX

Vi snakkes, Lisandra

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Letter from the US

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Instagram Art Goddesses You Should Be Following

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Poetry: I Feel Like I’m Getting Away With Something

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Poetry: Living For The Moment With Less Fraught Thoughts

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Politicised Sex

Why Little Mix Deserve Better Than ‘Sexy’

Student Council: President’s Report

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HIV + SA: PrEP

Advice: Ask Milton: Love Edition

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Arts Degrees: How to avoid the $100,000 HECS-Debt

Pocket Change Pantry: Vegan Lentil Meatballs

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My Sex and Gender are the Same Damn Thing

Animal Masturbation

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What we need to talk about when we talk about Sex

Pride, not Prejudice: Flying the Pride Flag

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Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On

Poetry: Desire

Student Council: Women’s Officer Interview

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Empire Times Quiz

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Board Game Baptism: Fighting, Faith & Area Control

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Dr. Who: My Sexy Companion

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Pirates of the Carribean and the problem of Johnny Depp

Art by Michelle Eoncheff

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Politicised Sex

Why is it that everyone tries to monopolise sex?

Brenton Griffin Throughout human history, everyone from families, to religious groups, to governments, have attempted to control the very thing that brings us all into existence: sex.

Over recent decades, there has been a renewed interest in ideas about sexuality and sex that had been subsequently crushed by governmental control. Interestingly, our ancestors before the nineteenth-century probably had a far more open sex life then we probably would imagine they did.

But with this renewed interest in non-heterocentric ideas about sex and sexuality, there are those who want to limit the sexual freedom of others; why?

With this, too, sex has become a battleground over which different ideologies have fought, whether that be religious, feminist, conservative, or liberal.

But why is it that sex has become linked with religious morals, societal norms, and political polarisation?

Why has it become linked with exploitation and expression, with coercion and intimacy?

Why is sex, and the consequences of sex, so important? Why can it not be a private matter?

It presents us with quite the conundrum; sex is the one unifier that all of humanity has in common, none of us would be here without it, yet it is one of the most fought over aspect of modern civilisation.

For example, a few weeks ago, New South Wales Parliament shut down a proposal to decriminalise abortion in the state. How is it that in 2017 abortion is not a respected right throughout Australia? Why is it still acceptable for a government to determine the outcomes of sex? Why does the government have control over the bodies of women?

In reality, it has only been the last twenty years where homosexuality has been legal across the country. Imagine that: a time where one could be arrested for doing the deed with someone of the same sex. Tasmania was the last bulwark against the oncoming tide of social change, and it was the issue of public debate for years before it was finally legalised. South Australia was number one in decriminalising homosexuality in 1975 thanks to the wonderful Mr. Don Dunstan, who was bisexual himself, but although legislation changed, South Australia still has a dark history of homophobic violence that is manifest in the still existent ‘Gay Panic Defence’ laws.

And, still, there is debate as to marriage equality, and whether the granting of rights to those who want to marry their loved ones.

On May 19th, gay activist and fighter for same-sex marriage Peter

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Pictured: Opposite page - Don Dunstan, 35th Premier of South Australia (1967-68, 1970-79). Above - Church group in Sonoma (US) marching in support of the LGBTIQA+ Community. Below - Baptist Church opposing equal marriage rights.

Bonsall-Boone died without ever having the recognition of his union to his 50-year-old partner Peter de Whaal recognised. These two men had shared Australia’s first same-sex on-screen kiss, and had been united in unofficial union. But, this doesn’t matter. For the two men involved, it wasn’t the same as being married. About a year before he died, Bonsall-Boone said for the Equality Campaign: ‘I’d love to be able to move my wedding ring from my right hand to my left. And then I’d be able to call him my husband and have no problems with that. That would be wonderful… To make it official would be just great.’

His partner Peter de Whaal similarly expressed a great desire for equality when he said: “We’ve been second class citizens for all of the 50 years we’ve been together. It would be absolutely wonderful if we could say one day, ‘we are equal’.”

So again, why is it that the government feels it is their place to keep these two-wonderful people from being together in marriage?

Why the obsession with control, and the desire monopolise sex, love, and everything in between?

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HIV+SA Biomedical HIV prevention increasing sexual pleasure for all.

Amb er Anon When you’re feeling sexual, how much planning do you have to do before you can get down? Maybe have a shower and trim your pubes? Or get done up for a night on the town and slip in an internal condom when the time is right? Or maybe take your socks off and slip on a condom? For some people there isn’t a whole lot of preparation required before engaging in sex, but for those who are cautious about contracting HIV the process can require a little more forethought. At least this was the case until PrEP arrived on the scene.

PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis), contains antiretroviral medications tenofovir + emtricitabine, which when taken for a period of time can prevent the contraction of HIV.. Awareness of PrEP has been growing and developing for over ten years now, and for a biomedical approach to HIV prevention the commencement of studies using PrEP is a signal to community members that researchers are listening to their needs.

Recently in South Australia a study is recruiting individuals who engage in sexual or injecting drug use practices which could

potentially expose them to contracting HIV and including them in a trial with access to PrEP. The communities of interest include gay men, MSM (Men who have Sex with Men - and no, that’s not just the same as ‘gay men’), people at high risk of contracting HIV, such as partners of people living with HIV, and injecting drug users.

The PrEPX-SA study is an expansion of the study currently underway in Victoria and will provide 500 eligible South Australian people access to PrEP, with the South Australian Health and Medical Institute (SAHMRI) providing leadership and coordination role for the project. The PrEPX-SA trial began at the start of May 2017 and will continue until June 2018.

The purpose of the trial is to try and reduce the number of new HIV infections in the state; expanding access to PrEP in SA into rural and regional locations, as well as assist in building capacity in the South Australian health service system so that the use of PrEP will become a routine option for preventing HIV infection.

In conjunction with PrEPX-SA, SAMESH (South Australian Mobilisation and Empowerment for Sexual Health) is a program of

11 “For some people there isn’t a whole lot of preparation required before engaging in sex, but for those who are cautious about contracting HIV the process can require a little more forethought. At least this was the case until PrEP arrived on the scene...

Remember, STIs and STDs don’t discriminate, which means everyone can get them; but there are vast amounts of harm minimising practices which can help us reduce the risk of infection, leaving us to have safe and awesome sex!”

SHINE SA which has been generating community awareness of the study as well as increasing community knowledge regarding PrEP within their communities of interest.

Promotion of the study by SAMESH was conducted by visiting local areas of interest, interacting with community members via online feedback forms, promoting the study on social media, and HIV education through community forums. Attendees of the forums are provided key information regarding PrEP, as well as occasionally given the opportunity to meet key researchers involved in the study. SAMESH’s goal was to teach community members how and why the trial had came to fruition, as well as provide details as to how it will be conducted. Plans for the SA arm of the study commenced in December 2016, with the commencement of the trial began in early May this year. Typically the process of designing a study can take many months before it begins, for this trial to be up and running in such a short space of time speaks to the urgency of situation, the determination and enthusiasm of the individuals conducting the study and the strong support of the communities affected by HIV on a daily and lifelong basis. The urgency is well founded; the results of the South Australian and Victorian trials and the subsequent reduction in the number of HIV contractions will be used to mount a case to have PrEP placed on the Pharmaceutical Benefit Scheme (PBS). Having PrEP easily and affordably available means that there’s a very real possibility of HIV becoming a thing of the past.

When it comes down to it, PrEP is a pretty revolutionary drug. I spoke to Aymon, from SAMESH, about his role in engaging with members of the community who were interested in knowing more about the effects of PrEP and further details of the PrEPX study.

Aymon spoke about the fear and stigmatisation young gay men face in relation to contracting HIV, and how for some people PrEP not only alleviates fear of contracting HIV, but it could also help break down mental barriers preventing people from enjoying sex.

The importance that PrEP has for those already living with HIV cannot be understated; whilst simultaneously decreasing rates of infection, it also allows for spontaneous sexual encounters with those already taking PrEP - the same freedom and spontaneity experienced by the vast majority of the heterosexual population.

While PrEP is undoubtedly a game-changer, it’s important for those interested in joining the trial to remember that PrEP is meant as a supplement to the use of condoms. Aymon explained that when it comes to PrEP and condoms it’s not a case of using one or the other. PrEP only targets HIV, as such sex without using a condom can still result in the transmission of other STI’s. Taking part in regular sexual health tests is part of being in the trial (and

really, anyone who has sex on a regular basis, regardless of gender or orientation!).

The main focus of SAMESH is promoting the importance of sexual health and the promotion of harm minimisation practices. They are based at 57 Hyde Street, a SHINE SA site, which has a full GP service with sexual health practitioners who are there to make sexual health tests easy as! Sexual health tests aren’t as scary as they are perceived to be, plus the bonus of having regular tests is that if something occurs there are treatments and prevention methods that can help turn what could become a serious health risk into an easily manageable situation.

For many people, the prospect of talking about personal sexual health matters can be pretty fear- inducing. Aymon noted that for some members of the community, the fear of judgment of their sexuality and sexual practices or the risk of being ‘outed’ before they are ready can be a real barrier to not only having sexual health checks, but opening up to people about their lived experiences. As such, Aymon reassures that talking about your experiences with a sexual health practitioner is important for establishing a baseline of your potential risk; this enables you and your practitioner to develop harm minimisation practices in order to support you, or refer you on to services if and when you need them.

So for those of you that are interested in participating in the study, feel free to have a look at the Alfred Health website (alfredhealth. org.au/prepxsa), which can give you details of the study, how to register and contact numbers if you wanted to have a chat and ask some questions. You need to be a Medicare card holder to be in the study. Also, for those of you who are interested in privately importing PrEP for your own use, have a quick look at the PrEP Access Now website, which gives you all the details on how to get PrEP (pan.org.au). Just remember, HIV and STI’s don’t discriminate, which means everyone can get them; but there are vast amounts of harm minimising practices which can help us reduce the risk of infection, leaving us to have safe and awesome sex!

SAMESH: 57 Hyde Street, Adelaide (08) 7099 5300 Monday - Friday 9:00 am - 5:00 pm samesh-enquiries@samesh.org.au

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Straight White Men: Arts Degrees: How to Avoid the $100,000 HECS-Debt

Ade n B e aver & Tom G oldbl att (yes, we b ot h study t he Ar ts)

The time has finally come, friends. We have something that us uni students can come together and complain about, and this time it’s not about the parking. For the past six years, we have had $100,000 uni degrees dangled over our heads like the bogeyman of tertiary education, fearing that one day we might fall into the US system of crippling debt for the rest of our lives. Well the time to panic is now here, comrades! The sky is falling, the dead are rising and all hell is breaking loose as the seven-headed serpent Malcolm Turnbull unleashes his new plan for uni funding and lowering the HECS threshold to $42,000.

Never fear, for we’ve come up with a useful solution, friends: study an arts degree. Now, I know that many of you who are reading this are scoffing at this notion, but hear us out. While you might be tempted with the notion of becoming a lawyer, or a doctor, perhaps even an entrepreneur or engineer (you know, someone with a legitimate and tangible benefit to society) there is one simple fact that you are forgetting; you don’t have to pay tax, if you aren’t earning anything at all. In fact, if you get a job that earns just under the tax-free threshold, and then claim welfare, you would be earning negative tax. Not only would your degree be free, but you would actively be costing the government money to do nothing.

Think of this as the ultimate form of protesting the system as you

exploit the government taxpayer, and disappoint your parents at the same time.

Now I’m sure many people are also wondering why the arts industry doesn’t pay very well. That’s because of another simple fact we’ve noticed: Australians just don’t give a shit about the Arts.

Especially if it’s from fellow Australians. They don’t watch it, they don’t buy it, and they don’t ask for it, unless it’s imported from anywhere that isn’t Australia. But you’d better believe that they’ll complain about ‘the lack of Australian content’ as if it’s hidden under a heavy, bloated, taxpayer-funded rock labelled “ABC”. The government has noticed that people don’t ask for this content, and so take every opportunity they can to bleed it out a little, a couple hundred million dollars here and there every so often.

Mind you, you could also study a degree that may result in a paying job, but at the current student unemployment rate, these degrees only exist right now to buff out Uni advertising magazines. This probably sounds very bleak, and that’s because it is, and your life has been pushed down the Centrelink queue that little bit extra further. Imagine walking into the Voting Booth last year and marking “1” next to the Australian Liberal Party. You’ll be punished for that decision for the next 4 years.

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My sex and gender are the same damn thing ‘The idea that a person’s sexual characteristics are integral to who they are or might be is so problematic that I’m struggling to find where to start’.

Ole ander Glenie Now I don’t wanna miscommunicate anything here: as a trans person, I understand the importance of the sex/gender differentiation in certain areas of society. But that being said, fuck the sex/gender differentiation! It drives me mad every time someone mentions it. I’m a non-binary guy, and before you awkwardly and indirectly attempt to ask me what is or isn’t in my pants, I assure you that it’s all non-binary guy parts. Why? Because they’re mine, and I say they’re non-binary guy parts. The idea that we can categorise someone by their genitalia or biological makeup is not only outdated, but perverse, presumptuous, and yet another form of trans exclusion. The idea that a person’s sexual characteristics are integral to who they are or might be is so problematic that I’m struggling to find where to start.

Before I go on, here is an explanation of the terms I’m going to be using: assigned sex (at birth) is the assignment and classification of people as male, female, intersex, or another sex assigned at birth often based on physical anatomy at birth and/or karyotyping. intersex is a term used when describing a person with a less common combination of hormones, chromosomes, and anatomy that are normally used to assign sex at birth. transgender is an encompassing term for many gender identities of those who do not identify or exclusively identify with their sex assigned at birth. cisgender is a term for someone who exclusively identifies as their sex assigned at birth. cissexism is systemic prejudice in the favour of cisgender people. (all definitions from transstudent.org/definitions) So let’s start with the fact that intersex people exist. Sex is much more complicated than the typical high school biology understanding of XX = female, XY = male. It’s not uncommon for a person to have XXY, XYY, or XXX chromosomal variations, and

for the large part, these are variations that go unnoticed. There are more complex variations, such as XXXX, XXYY, and XXXY, which are more likely to cause ‘complications’, such as the inability to distinguish an infant’s genitalia as clearly ‘male’ (phallic) or ‘female’ (yonic). There are intersex variations that can cause health issues, but for the large part, all that being intersex entails is having a difference, not a problem. Having physical characteristics that don’t fit neatly into society’s constructions of ‘male’ and ‘female’ doesn’t actually negatively affect a person’s physical health in any way.

That’s a very general and simple version of reality, but it illustrates my point that assigned sex should not be at all integral to how a person looks, feels, or presents themselves. And furthermore, that categorising literal babies by how their bits look is kinda…creepy and weird. And also totally fucked up when you find out that babies with ‘genital anomalies’ usually have ‘corrective’ surgeries to bring them into line with the ‘rest of us’. Like, actual genital mutilation.

On babies! Not because of potential problems at present or down the line, but just because they’re not seen as being normal.

Sex, like gender, is a construct that is pushed and affirmed by authorities we are expected to respect including midwives, nurses, doctors, and just generally health professionals - people who should know all about human anatomy, right? Except they’ve been born into the same cissexist society we all are and, as a result, most impose the same outdated, trans exclusionary male/female dichotomy.

How does this tie in to being trans? It’s just one way of proving, conclusively, that since sex is a construct, and gender is a construct, using either of them to try and define a trans person in any way that doesn’t align with how they themselves identify, is inherently transphobic and ignorant. Since sex is a construct, I can safely say that my sexual characteristics are that of a transgender non-binary guy, because I am a transgender non-binary guy, and these sexual characteristics are mine. Trying to define my sex one way or the other is not only cissexist and transphobic, but ignorant of my experience, and dismissive of my choices as a transgender person.

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What we need to talk about when we talk about sex Chelsea Griffith It’s the first time. She doesn’t really want to do it, and she isn’t really sure why. There could be something in the pit of her stomach that whispers “he’s not ‘the one’”, except that voice won’t develop for another year or so.

Maybe it’s because she’s never used a tampon. She’s never been able to use a tampon, in fact. She’s panicked and gone into fits of tears every time she’s tried to use a tampon. She’s not sure why she gets so hysterical, because she’s never felt severe pain from using one. Maybe it’s the looming thought that she refuses to acknowledge—that if she can’t use a tampon, how is she to conceive and bear life? Let alone swim at the beach during that ‘time of the month’. Tampons, and the learning curve of tampon use, are seen as the essence of life during her teenage years.

Without her being able to use one as a woman, what kind of life is she to have?

She drowns out the whispers in her head and decides to ‘do it’.

She’s sure that this is the right time. The moment that almost a decade of tween magazines, teen TV shows and YA novels have prepared her for. They talked about this moment being like a shrill, persistent ringing in her ears, similar to the sensation after a concert. Girls of her generation have had their brains wired by Dolly and Girlfriend influenced sleepover talk and high school romance narratives that see the inbetweener girl ‘lose’ her V-plates to the ‘quarterback’. We listened to that girl describe the majesty of that moment a hundred times; how it was fantastic because he was ‘the one’, how easy it was because they were right for each other, how it was a beautiful moment she will never forget. And usually, this is juxtaposed against the situation of her best friend who ‘lost everything she had to a boy who changed his mind’ in the words of Taylor Swift. We have been taught that the girl who ‘gives’ ‘everything she has’ (it’s questionable that none of us gals have anything other than that to offer) is shamed, feels depressed and should be punished in some way by her peers and by herself.

So maybe that was all ringing in her head. A whisper told her he wasn’t ‘the one’, a ringing warned her of the consequences of him not being ‘the one’. Plus, she wasn’t even a real woman living a legitimate life because she couldn’t use bloody tampons.

Meanwhile, a boy without a care in the world devised in his head the inbox he would send to his mates, declaring his achievement.

This message would use language of domination and even slight aggression that suggests no emotional attachment to the object he conquered. Lovely.

Have you seen that gif of the train smashing back and forth into the tunnel, but the tunnel isn’t quite big enough for the train to get through? Yeah, that.

Maybe it was one of the reasons they broke up, or maybe that whisper grew louder and that was more so the reason.

What happens when a girl physically can’t do it? Is there a name for it? Why don’t we see anything about that in those teen high school television shows/movies to prepare us for that possibility?

I’m glad you asked.

1. When it’s with the right guy, he will tell you it’s not a big deal and he’ll be there holding your hand through the treatments that follow. When it’s with the wrong guy, he will tell his friends you’ve already done it. Because, who cares about the actual doing it, as long as people think you have, right?

2. Yes, there is a name for when a girl can’t physically do it, there is a name for a psychological cause, and one for a medical cause.

Get educated, in case a friend or lover needs your understanding.

3. It is shown, albeit rarely. It was shown in one teen high school television show, Puberty Blues, but the magical cure is shown to be ‘the one’. Many, if not all, sufferers would disagree that this is a legitimate cure.

Why am I telling you my friend’s story? Because when she told me about it, I hadn’t heard of the condition. And that sucks for her, to feel abnormal and like no one understands.

Let’s all get over this stigma around losing V-plates. WHO CARES if you’re waiting until marriage. WHO CARES if you physically can’t.

WHO CARES if you want to do it, but haven’t been in the position to do so. And WHO CARES if you do it with a different stranger every day. This stigma adds pressure to a situation that is often awkward and sometimes painful. Without that instilled image of a pain free, easy moment with the quarterback, even the tiniest bit of tension could be relieved from the situation. The risk of developing a psychological condition could even be slightly lessened.

And let’s stop talking about ‘it’ like it’s even an object, like it’s something we can ‘lose’. A lot of people who feel like they’ve lost something are the ones who have been conditioned by Taylor Swift’s 15 into thinking they have given everything they had. I’m sorry, I didn’t realise women were like those animals who die when they pro-create. I didn’t realise our hearts, souls, personalities and intelligence disappeared when we ‘lost’ something that isn’t even a tangible thing. Do we ‘lose’ it when it’s with a girl or only when it’s with a guy? Funny that there’s an argument over whether or not having that first time with another female counts. It suggests men are the only ones who can take from us, change us or leave us as ‘damaged goods’.

But it’s too late to change our childhoods; too late to drown out language surrounding first times that were taught to us. So instead, let’s stop overthinking about what our experience means and stop judging the experiences of others. That pressure can result in psychological issues that prevent that first time from even happening. Let’s aim to beat each other with the funniest, most awkward stories we can. Let’s laugh at the stupid boys who we thought were our quarterbacks, and look forward to bumping into them when we’re rich and successful and they’re bald. Let’s laugh at the romanticised teen fiction we grew up with and, one day, if we see our 11 year old daughters reading them, swap it for some Simone de Beouvoir when they aren’t looking.

Art by Sheydin Dew, Sheyded Art on Facebook.

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fe atu re / p or n o g r aphy

Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On The 2015 Netflix documentary ‘Hot Girls Wanted’ started many open conversations about pornography, technology, sex work, and how these all impact on our sex lives.

The 2017 documentary sequel, ‘Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On’ is continuing the same mission, with the first episode, ‘Women On Top’ exploring the demand for femaledriven and feminist pornography.

In this article, Alyzza Barreta explores why pornography needs a female-driven resurgence, and why we need to talk about porn now more than ever.

‘There is a desire for women to be great, but not better than men, especially in this industry’.

17 Ever since the internet came along, the accessibility of porn has been beyond bonkers. I mean, at least there’s no more embarrassment at the DVD store when you’re feeling like you want to have a raunchy time in your room on a Friday night… by yourself.

Porn provides a particular kind of entertainment for us, but this entertainment is damaging to our perception and expectations of gender. Mainstream porn provides a dangerous expectation in sex, especially for our young viewers. It depicts women as submissive and passive, which influences young women to believe this is how they should react during sex; even if you’re uncomfortable with the situation, you should still be enjoying it. It’s not just women that are stereotyped; men too are victims. Porn presents men as violent and disrespectful during sex and seeming to enjoy that. I’m sure plenty of men and women know this: Not all men are violent and/ or enjoy degrading women.

The porn industry is a male dominated field and because of its stigma, especially the stigma of mainstream porn, a lot of women are not comfortable being a part of it, as producers, directors, actresses, and even as viewers. The way women are treated by men in the porn industry makes lot of women feel restricted, uncomfortable, and objectified. Many female viewers also feel as though they do not understand porn the way men do. When it comes to sexuality and sexual acts, we are all very different.

‘The porn industry is a male dominated field and a lot of women are not comfortable being a part of it, as producers, directors, actresses, and even as viewers’.

Netflix’s documentary Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On, the first episode “Women On Top” discusses the rarity of women’s professional involvement and authority in porn and the damaging expectations it sets for our viewers. The story focusses on three women, Holly Randall, Suze Randall and Erika Lust. These ladies focus very much on the feminine touch in their productions, allowing them to be pleasing for women, unlike mainstream porn. 1 in 3 young women have a hard time in finding content they like when it comes to porn. Holly Randall’s images are aesthetically pleasing. They are the kind of images that you would discover in Vogue, only with a lot more nudity, stockings and suspenders. As the daughter of Suze Randall, the first female erotic photographer to work for Playboy, she took inspiration from her mother. Suze Randall received a lot of criticism, especially from the men in the same industry and company. She states that “the boys were jealous”, since she was producing better shots than them because of her compassion for the women behind the camera. There is a desire for women to be great, but not better than men, especially in this industry.

Suze’s daughter, Holly Randall, struggles with producing high-end, “female friendly” productions because of the low budget provided and the restricting nature of internet porn today. No one pays for porn anymore, and because women are typically not the ones to enjoy porn, her productions become unappreciated. Erika Lust mentions that “the people who create porn are more interested in punish-fucking women than showing a good sexual encounter… it’s just not fair that only men work in pornography, that only men the ones portraying human sexuality through the media of pornography.” Lust’s productions are quite aesthetically pleasing

and romantically erotic. If you imagine those romantic sex scenes in movies, such as The Notebook, The Lucky One or even Fifty Shades of Grey, her films are similar, only that it shows more penises, vaginas and boobs. Nevertheless, they are still pleasing to the eye.

With erotic film productions such as these, it is very hard to allow it to be accessible to the wider public because they are so rare and so high-end, therefore if you’re seeking sexual entertainment at no cost, free mainstream porn is your best option.

The problem with pornography is that it is extremely accessible.

For our young children, porn is one click away and all they have to do is Google it. As Erika Lust states: “we cannot deny that porn is sex education today.” About 40% of sexually active teenagers from 14-18 say they learned more about sex from porn than from school. It is frightening to think that our young viewers are learning about sex in a disheartening and violent light. The reality of sex is not reflected well enough, or not at all in porn. What a sexual encounter entails is different from person to person. In contrast to porn, a more realistic sexual encounter is much more intimate, loving and emotional, it is also somewhat innocent and allows pleasure not just physically but also mentally. Disgusting titles such as “Teens get destroyed” or “Teen with nice lips gives amazing blowjobs” fetishises innocence and violently degrades it.

I do not deny that mainstream porn is pleasing to some, and it certainly can be a preference for many to integrate sex and violence, however, porn has become too taboo. It is all too common to show women being punished violently through sexual means and them seemingly enjoying it. These preferences exist mainly because they are encouraged and are easily accessible. Through porn, men are portrayed to enjoy violent sex and punishing women in real life, and this contributes to the rape culture today. Boys are taught to behave like this, and girls are taught to accept behaviour like this.

‘We don’t come across many women enjoying porn because it is mostly produced to entertain male viewers... there is no conversation being sparked about women’s enjoyment’.

It is great that there are women working in porn, producing films that are sensitive to intimacy and not just sex. However, it is going backwards, they are losing popularity because of the stigma around eroticism, the idea that sex shouldn’t be romanticised through the means of entertainment. Women should also be able to enjoy this kind of entertainment and be somewhat obnoxious about it much like men are. Women are given a double standard, that restricts them from being open with their sexuality; men who enjoy porn are “regular guys”, but when women enjoy porn, they’re perceived as abnormal or nymphomaniacs. We don’t come across many women enjoying porn because it is mostly produced to entertain male viewers, therefore, there is no conversation being sparked about women’s enjoyment, and if there was, labels would be thrown in the air for them.

As Erika Lust stated: “I don’t want women to get out of porn, I want women to get into porn.”

fe atu re / exch ange

LETTER FROM THE US

Co-Op Living in Texas Lee Salvermini

19

‘I can only imagine what these young housemates thought of this old dude camping out. And now after five months they affectionately call me, “Haus-Daddy” and I run with the pack.’

Howdy y’all, Quick Facts: Yes, there has been a fatal stabbing and a shooting in the past two weeks on uni grounds, but with the semester finished the pressure is off and things are back to normal. Do not think for a moment I am being flippant – it cost the life of a young student. So, next time you can’t find a car park and get frustrated because you should have got up fifteen minutes earlier, RELAX and remember; you’ll wake up tomorrow to try again.

This final instalment from Austin is about living in a vegan, clothes optional co-op with 25 other musical housemates trying to make it in this crazy world. First though, a quick description: West Campus is a suburb directly west of campus for the young and impetuous; North Campus is for the slightly more mature, say third year students; East Campus, is for the alternatives; and south is Downtown. Putting this in perspective, we have three suburbs surrounding uni with zero parental influence, 100% spontaneity, and unlimited persuasion.

Co-ops are not the norm, with an endless supply of four and five story units and frat houses in West Campus overshadowing our little world. These units house the “beautiful people” which is evident on a Thursday evening when the parade begins on the streets at around 6pm to see who can wear the tightest and shortest white dresses, the highest heels and the best clobber to show of the guns (muscles).

This is the part of uni I expect appeals to most of you reading this.

It’s party time and the party never ends. The pumping music can be relentless, and for this reason, the studious tend to move after a year or so. North and East are slightly more subdued with share housing being the norm.

So how did I, at my mature age, come to be living in a co-op like a hippy in a massive old house? Good fortune, I say. But, truth is, accommodation was not easy to claim when I got here and I just fell into it. I have the luxury of a private room with a bed on the floor and some battered old furniture including a desk and a bookshelf.

I slept on the couch in the loungeroom for three days waiting for my room to become available. I can only imagine what these young housemates thought of this old dude camping out. And now after

five months they affectionately call me, “Haus-daddy” and I run with the pack.

It’s an eclectic bunch of students, and the recently graduated, which includes male, female, non-gender specific, gender transitional, straight, bisexual and polyamorous. At any given time, the pitterpatter between rooms is totally unpredictable, and ruled, it seems, by desire and convenience – but always respectful. We even have a budget for condoms within the finances. Up to five of the guys happily wear a dress to uni or out socially – and why not I now say (more on this later if I have space). Substance use is surprisingly minimal; with weed being the delicacy of choice.

The house works with total housemate cooperation. We are all assigned five hours of duties a week ranging from cooking, cleaning, food gathering, gardening, maintenance, party organiser etc. with everyone inter-reliant on each other. We have a fortnightly meeting to discuss past problems and future initiatives which is always lively, but well controlled and mature. Recently, we had to convene a meeting to eject a housemate for inappropriate behavior toward female housemates. This support for each other is like a family and is essential for emotional stability and development.

Considering this is a clothes optional house, respect makes for a happy atmosphere.

Party time in our house is wild and I admit to being too old to bounce up and down all night on the dance floor. The house is open to invited friends and there can be 150 or so partying until our shutdown time at three o’clock. The front porch is my hangout and becomes the party where you can hear each other. In fact, this is so for most nights of the week as well, as we look over the passers-by who marvel at this weird, hundred-year-old, three story, rainbow colored house full of envied free spirits.

Well, it looks like I’ve run out of space to tell my other story, but let’s just say it’s probably not the last time I’ll wear a dress!

fe atu re / s o ci a l me d i a

Instagram Art Goddesses You Should Be Following

Vansh i ka Sin h & A lice Shor t Sick and tired of scrolling through unstimulating memes and photos of your co-worker’s groundbreaking avocado toast/acai bowl/almond milk latte? If you’re anything like us, you’ll find the petri-dish of narcissism and lies that is Instagram is drowning you in “throwback Thursday” photos taken literal days ago and #meaningless #hashtags. So, to help add some spice and girl power vibes back into your feed we’ve found 3 talented artists who will turn your instagram into instaGLAM. If you’re into art, feminism, or in the middle of that ven-diagram then chuck these groovy Aussie artists a follow!

Montana Kitching: @okaymontana

Frances Cannon: @frances_cannon

Esther Olsson: @estherolsson

A badass gal that probably needs no introduction, Frances Cannon is an artist who explores feminism and body positivity through the medium of drawing and paintings in ink and watercolours. She has a very distinct and unique art style that draws power from their simplicity and honesty that often depict the dichotomy of a woman’s strength and her vulnerability.

Her art represents a mass rebellion against traditional beauty constructs and portrays the unique forms a body can take.

If you like very cool art made by very cool girls, Esther Olsson is definitely your girl. An artist and graphic designer, Esther Olsson has an incredibly unique and unpredictable style of art that draws influence from hiphop. The use of colours and symmetry in her art makes her art so vibrant and radical and is the reason for her huge gang of followers.

Montana Kitching’s art oozes this vibe of familiarity as she draws situations that all young girls have experienced. The art is humorous and sarcastic, making the intensity of the subject of feminism a lot more digestible, allowing it to resonate with the viewer long after they have seen it.

Her art works to normalise the female body and problems that are often considered taboo, and ultimately to empower women.

(Monica’s artwork is on the opposite page.

Slumped over a couch? Oh, we feel you, girl)

Her art is fun and funky that makes you also want to hang topless out of your car

while holding a knife (guess you’ll just have to look up her gram to figure out what that’s all about).

The reason we’re writing this article is obviously in the name of feminism and to give a shout-out to these amazing female, Australian-grown artists, but also to shamelessly plug the One Woman Project. The OWP is an NGO organisation that we are starting up in South Australia.

Focusing on intersectional feminism, the organisation aims to promote discussions about feminism and misogyny. So if you’ve read through this entire article you’ve made it through our thorough vetting process (congrats) and we urge you to come join us as a participant or a volunteer or both.

We are currently recruiting new volunteers so look at the positions available ononewomanproject.org/volunteer and chuck us a like on Facebook so you can keep an eye out for events that are in the mix of being organised and held very, very soon. If you have any questions about anything really, send an email to v.sinh@ onewomenproject.org

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fe atu re / mu si c

Why Little Mix Deserve Better Than Just “Sexy” Ainsley Ewart

Little Mix are a female vocal group from Britain formed on The X Factor one year after One Direction. Unlike One Direction, the quartet made up of Perrie Edwards, Jade Thirwall, Leigh-Anne Pinnock and Jesy Nelson actually won the show (the first and only girl group to do so). Like One Direction they are signed to the record label, Syco, run by Simon Cowell, and have the same management company, Modest Management. Perrie was engaged to former One Direction member Zayn Malik, and that’s probably the only thing you know about Little Mix. But Little Mix deserve better than ‘Zayn’s ex’s band’, because they’re amazing.

Here in Australia, they’ve beaten the Spice Girls’ record of most top-ten hits by a girl group. In their homeland, they’ve achieved four number one singles, tying with label-mates One Direction.

They’ve even had more top-ten hits in Australia than One Direction. So why do people not know and/or care who they are?

Modest Management is in charge of the careers of One Direction (including Niall Horan’s solo career, but not Harry Styles’), 5 Seconds of Summer, 5 Seconds of Summer’s “project” Hey Violet (mostly female), and some more X Factor/Britain’s Got Talent winners/ fan favourites. Little Mix, I would argue, ranks third in terms of promotion by Modest. One Direction, their biggest success, had a system of making an album, touring, making an album while on tour, and then going back on tour again. After it wore the five of them out, they decided to pace themselves a bit with their lesserknown artists 5SOS and Little Mix. 5SOS, of course, were on tour with One Direction for two years before heading out on their own, smaller tour and finding their own band to mentor, Hey Violet, formerly known as Cherry Bomb.

Little Mix released their fourth album Glory Days in November 2016, and it is their most mainstream pop album yet. It has all the quirky sounds Rihanna and Justin Bieber are putting out, and all the songs about sex focus on their male partner, as opposed to their own pleasure. I don’t view it very fondly, and you can tell it’s been made to fit 2016, an abysmal year for music (in my opinion). They have fewer writing credits than on previous albums DNA, Salute and Get Weird, making it less interesting and personal to a long-time fan like me. Their image has been sexed up too.

There have been multiple anonymous critics online calling out their skimpy outfits and supposedly suggestive dance moves. To contrast, 5 Seconds of Summer appeared on the cover of US Rolling Stone completely naked, and no comments were made (although that article proved controversial among fans). Why are Little Mix attacked for being sexy, and only allowed to talk about male sexual pleasure (excepting that one line in “Shout Out to My Ex” where Perrie sings ‘I hope she gettin’ better sex / Hope she ain’t fakin’ it like I did’) in their new phase?

I feel that Modest, a male-owned management company, hasn’t figured out how to market these incredibly talented women. So instead they just sex them up and make them provocative instead of showing off their voices (much like a majority woman in the music industry, excepting maybe Adele and a handful of others). They don’t even have a live backing band. They also get extremely sexualised songs, see “Power” from Glory Days, which I’m sure they’ll perform on their upcoming tour, which features the line ‘Just cos you’re packin’, packin’, whoop, down south’ and ends with the repetition of the word ‘Motorbike’ for some ridiculously annoying reason.

Unfortunately, I feel this song is meant to be empowering. I don’t think a room full of teenage girls screaming that out is empowering.

(Can you tell that two out of three songwriters on this one are male?)

23

When I found out Little Mix were coming to Adelaide in July 2017, I was thrilled. I got my tickets as soon as possible, because despite this album not being great (excepting “Nothing Else Matters”, which is one of their best songs ever and some other acceptable songs) I love their previous albums and they are amazing vocalists. They will be playing the Adelaide Entertainment Centre theatre in July.

I saw 5 Seconds of Summer play the arena there in 2015. One Direction sold out the arena for three nights in 2013, and played AAMI Stadium in 2015 (the latter of which I attended). Why don’t Little Mix get the kind of audiences that their male peers do? They have higher charting singles than both 5SOS and 1D, so why not?

As someone who likes One Direction, 5 Seconds of Summer and Little Mix, it is so easy to see the difference in their careers. The boys will be boys (even if they are feminists, like Harry Styles) and the girls will be criticised at every move. Thankfully, all three have (predominately female) fans who will actively criticise decisions made by Modest (see the reactions to the 2015 Rolling Stone 5 Seconds of Summer cover story) and One Direction fans have even tried to buy them out of their contract. No such action has been made for Little Mix, because they surprisingly seem to have the most control over their career. They aren’t the “hot young thing” and so were able to completely scrap an album when they didn’t like the direction it was heading in.

It’s an interesting and altogether bizarre concept, but I argue that Little Mix have previously had more freedom because they are women. It seems strange, but that’s the only conclusion I can come to. Unfortunately, with One Direction gone, they’ve come up the ranks and are starting to lose some control. I just hope they manage to survive the sexism and stupid “sexy” outfits, and continue being the amazing, girl power loving ladies I fell in love with.

‘Their image has been sexed up... there have been multiple anonymous critics online calling out their skimpy outfits and supposedly suggestive dance moves. In contrast, 5 Seconds of Summer appeared completely naked on the cover of the US Rolling Stone.’

ASK MILTON

LOVE EDITION

25 Dear Milton, My crush has just been hired at my workplace. It’s a dream come true! But now I’m worried it could affect my employment if I pursue them and it goes wrong. Is an office romance worth the risk or should I quash my desires before being accused of sexual harassment? ~ Lusting After the New Guy You should quash your desires. Because desire leads only to disappointment and failure. But if you’re not going to go down that particular road, I suggest you just go for it.

Big romantic gestures like rose petals everywhere and candlelight are a bit pedestrian so I’d go for something like waiting for a crisis and launching yourself at them and saving their life. That could work!

Otherwise just follow your heart and ask them out. Nothing wrong with a good workplace romance. Unless your boss catches the two of you getting frisky in the supply closet - thanks a lot, Liam!

I’d recommend not grabbing their ass as they pass you in the hallway because however well-intentioned said grab may be it could be misconstrued. Consent is important so always ask before you grope - we want groping to be enjoyable for all involved.

Also, maybe don’t tattoo their name to your forehead before you’ve asked them out. Just saying. Be subtle if you can.

In summary - just give it a shot. If all fails there is still the option of an after work bottle of wine for one.

Good luck, Miltz.

Milton, what are the best bird-related puns that you know? ~Leeza von Alpen

Milton, do ducks also have polygamy? ~Jack Mcentee Jack, we ducks are not that different to you humans. Like you we are bipedal, enjoy bread and defecate wherever we please.

When it comes to romance we are just as ‘frisky’ as you hominins.

Especially myself. I am simply too irresistible to hold the attention of only one duck. Some of my feathered kin have very committed relationships, especially when they have ducklings together. We do of course have single mothers too (if you are reading this Daisy, I am ready for joint custody. I swear I’ll be a better dad in the future, just don’t expect me to settle down. I am a lone bird, darling). Some ducks have harems or just engage in the odd orgy on the Flinders lake - so, yes, we can be polyamorous.

Your wise love sage, Miltz.

My Fiancè and I are planning our wedding. Any tips for saving money? ~ Hamish Philips Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials, Hamish.

Human weddings can be a nefarious business to plan for. I would suggest living off bread and bread alone. Not only is bread the greatest food of all time, it is also affordable and the ‘spreads’ you humans insist on smearing on them cost less than the jumbo pizzas and pints of pale ale you young’uns usually subsist off of. So yes, eat only bread and your wedding will be a success.

I’ve also heard that giving up smashed avocado will save you enough money to buy a house so maybe consider that for after the honeymoon.

Your pal, Miltz.

What do I look like to you, Leeza? A walking, talking meme?

Perhaps I am... Oh, I might be having an existential crisis now...

But I digress.

Haters of puns - look away now!

1. If I had the option of voting in the US election I would have voted for Birdie Sanders.

2. Bad puns rarely manage to quack me up.

3. I’m just not that easily emused 4. This whole thing is just plain hawkward I hope that helped, though I’m not sure how it could.

Owl show myself out, Miltz.

All of these answers were typed up by Milton’s well-trained human servants Liam McNally and Lisandra Linde. Thanks to your ongoing support of Ask Milton they will each recieve a bucket of fish heads to eat tonight. They thank you xx

c olu m n / a dv i ce

Milton, what advice would you give a fellow duck eager to enter the casual sex scene?

Milton, do you have any dating advice for a duck swimming into a new lake? Do they need to bring their own bread?

~ Cameron Lowe

~ Emma White

Cameron, my man.

You’ve come to the right place. Come on over and let Milton regale you with stories of the old days. We ducks have always been pretty open-minded but it wasn’t until the arrival of Renoir (an exchange duck from France) that we truly embraced sexual diversity and polyamory.

Our man Renoir showed us the way and heralded a new dawn in the duck relations. Ever since, the casual sex scene of Flinders’s ducks has been open, inclusive, and above all else, fucking intense. Getting into the scene is easy – avoiding it is another story entirely.

Remember to be respectful to all your fellow kinky creatures and always have a safe word if your being extra Renoir-level experimental. I reccomend a word that always grabs your fellow duck’s attention - ‘crumbs’.

That being said, the casual lakeside sex scene can be rather exhausting so don’t go at it five days a week. Make time for less strenuous activities like jumping into the laps of Flinders students and snatching their sandwiches. Now that is something this old duck will never get tired of.

Rub-a-dub-dub, Miltz.

I do, Emma! I most assuredly do! …oh! You wanted me to share it? Well, I can’t allow out too much information from the old group but what I can say is that you ought to meet a duck called Edna by the reeds next to the lake. She’ll guide you in the right direction.

I’d recommend bringing a piece of bread wrapped in a lightly lavender-scented floral-patterned handkerchief. This is the correct introduction and ought to set you well on your way to the bliss of a wonderful dating experience in the rarefied atmosphere of the Flinders Duck Dating Pool!

Your fellow romantic, Miltz

Milton, I have developed an addiction to Ejaculattes. I can’t pass a single coffee shop on campus without buying one. I haven’t slept in 6 days. Help! ~ Over-caffienated My dear featherless friend, I have never understood the human preoccupation with coffee or genital art. I would say that the best solution is to walk to all your classes blindfolded. That way you will not see the tempting steam of the many coffee shops along the way.

If that fails- or you find that you have too many assignments due to risk falling down multiple flights of stairs - I would say leave your wallet in your car. That way you won’t be able to trade your shiny dollars for cups of phallic-themed beverages.

You may suffer from withdrawal, and if you are anything like me when I don’t get my daily fix of dark rye, you will be one aggressive little ball of rage for a while. But at least you might get some sleep.

Your bread-addicted pal, Miltz.

Hey Miltzy Baby Do you like pina colada And are we still on for tonight? ~ F.U.C.K. A’Duck Sup, Baby!

Sorry about criticizing your literary secondary name the other day!

I sure am on for a pina colada… and getting caught in the rain. After a pina colada or ten who cares about a little drizzle? (for shizzle as the young’uns are wont to say). As any fortunate attendee to a late night lake lark can attest, this wise owl can turn into a veritable… well, your name basically.

Your virile lover, Milton.

27 How would you rate the dating pool of ducks at Flinders University? ~Baylee Meechan Flinders has a vibrant duck dating pool. The only danger being that the lake is the most popular hook up place and one always risks being eaten by the resident lake monster. It’s worth it to get down and dirty but no-one wants to be remembered as the duck who died a terrible death with their proverbial pants down.

When you student squares have gone home for the day, the admin staff and the duck populace come out to part-ay!

You might see some familiar faces out on the water when the sun sets but remember that confidentiality is key when it comes to lakeside hook-ups. So although that one pint-toting charmer who lurks by the lake’s edge may look suspiciously like a certain student editor wearing a fake pair of nose-glasses, make sure not to talk about it when you’re otherwise engaged in day-to-day university life.

Yours affectionately, Miltz.

Milton, is the Flinders lake monster single? I am a fellow gigantic cephalopod looking for an intense relationship with lots of tentacles.

Send my regards, ~ Augustus McSquid I hate to burst your romantic bubble, Augustus, but I doubt you could ever be old enough or mature enough to hold our beloved lake monster’s attention. You see, I have known the Flinders lake monster since they first moved on campus and I have come to learn that they are a creature of refined tastes.

Only the freshest freshies will ever satisfy its love of human blood and it has started to lose its taste for duck (I call that a lucky break for me and my bretheren- except maybe Fred. Some ducks just deserve to be eaten).

So unless you have an equally complex palate and appreciation for the finer aspects of devouring the living I would say you should just abandon this little love venture and find yourself a younger, less picky cephalopod.

I hear there are a few eligible youngsters just off Glenelg Jetty but they might be a little rough around the edges for a more suburban squid like you. They do live in a neighbourhood full of sharks after all. Though it would be distastefully prejudiced to say all sharks are from the wrong side of the rocks.

Your bringer of hard truths, Miltz.

Would you like to have your question answered by the wise and enigmatic Milton? Contact him on Twitter or Facebook.

Alternatively, scream your questions into the abyss and let the wind do the rest.

Dear Milton, I think I’m in love with my professor!

Please help! ~ Flustered Easy now.

Take a deep breath and count to ten.

Then maybe check if your professor has a significant other in their life or if they haven’t completely filled their house with cats. If they are single and have some room for you between their many cats I would say it’s not completely impossible for the seeds of love to be sown.

Of course, you have to take it slow. No hook-ups in their office during semester. Probably don’t ask them out until that final piece of assesment is handed in. Once they are no longer your professor they’re really just another person. Another potential spouse or semester-break fling. Just make sure you aren’t enrolled in any of their classes for future semesters.

Trust me, it can get awkward.

Yours compassionately, Miltz.

@milton_ducklord @miltonducklord

fe atu re / p o cke t ch ange p antr y

Image: Claire Perry

29

The Flinders University Vegetarian and Vegan Club Presents

Pocket Change Pantry:

Lentil ‘Meatballs’

Serves 4, 20 min prep time, 30 min cooking time

Ingredients

Method

Olive oil cooking spray 400g can lentils, drained and rinsed 2 cups mushrooms, chopped 1 small white onion, diced 1 clove garlic, minced 1 tsp dried thyme (or 1 tbsp fresh) 1 tsp dried rosemary (or 1 tbsp fresh) 1 cup breadcrumbs

1. Spray a frying pan with oil and place over medium heat. Add onion and cook until translucent, then add mushrooms and garlic. Cook for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally, until mushrooms have reduced.

2. Add drained lentils, and spices, and cook for a further 5 mins. Remove from heat and allow to cool for 5-10 minutes.

3. Transfer mixture to a food processor (or a large bowl and use a masher) and add breadcrumbs. Process until combined.

If mix is too wet, add more breadcrumbs.

Substitutions Lentils can be substituted for any white bean.

Breadcrumbs can be substituted for ½ cup oats (or oat flour if not using a food processer)

4. Preheat oven to 200˚ C. Line a baking sheet with baking paper. Create balls of the mix in your hands using about 2 tablespoons of the mix. Bake for 30-35 minutes until browned, flipping once.

Serving Suggestion Toss cooked meatballs in marinara sauce and serve in a toasted sub with wilted dark leafy greens Or Serve with your favourite pasta dish.

RECIPE BY: Claire Perry (President of the Flinders University Vegetarian and Vegan Club) For more info and to get involved with the Flinders University Vegetarian and Vegan Club check them out online:

@flindersuniversityvegetarianandveganclub

fe atu re / s ci en c e

Animal Masturbation For Fun and Conservation!

Audrey Horne Now, before I begin, let me just clarify that this isn’t an article about bestiality. This is about reproduction. Because while humans may have evolved beyond our base biological requirements, and while there have been studies showing various animal species having sex for recreational purposes (seriously, google gay giraffe sex), generally speaking, the goal of hetero sex is reproduction. But sometimes, when your species is dwindling, and the only viable female is in a zoo on the other side of the planet, mother nature needs a helping hand-y.

‘Somehow it seems less weird if farmers and scientists are doing sort of thing while digusted than enjoying it. Just like you wouldn’t be too keen on a pediatrist who has a foot fetish.’

Animal reproduction specialists are a unique breed of conservation scientists. It takes a lot of maturity and dedication to “extract” semen from a killer whale, and then artificially inseminate another of that species on the other side of the world, using the scientific version of a turkey baster. It also takes a lot of fancy tools, like electrical probes (for some good ol’ fashioned prostate stimulation), collection tubes, and a lot of liquid nitrogen. The larger the animal, the harder it would be to subdue, so it’s lucky that larger animals in zoos have been trained to comply with this sort of activity because that’s definitely not creepy and weird – it’s for science! But this isn’t even a practice restricted to conservation.

Agriculture is where these techniques were born and bred (ha, puns).

Female cattle are implanted with hormonal contraceptives to sync up their reproductive cycles, so entire herds can be impregnated at once, using either a real bull, or (much more simply) semen which has been previously collected, frozen, transported, and thawed.

And this is big business. A successful breeding bull’s semen can fetch a high price on the market. A prize-winning race horse, even more so. Yes, jerking off horses isn’t just a weird illegal porn thing; it’s also the realm wealthy horse breeders. Just think about that the next time you’re watching the Melbourne Cup. In summary, sex is a big business, across all species. Is it weird? Sure.

But is there money in it? Also yes. Should you become a farmer to satisfy all your weird bestiality desires? Please don’t. Somehow it seems less weird if farmers and scientists are doing this sort of thing while disgusted than enjoying it. Just like you wouldn’t be too keen on a podiatrist who has a foot fetish. Sure it seems like a good fit, but you’d be making everyone else uncomfortable by just how much you love your job.

fe atu re / LG BTQIA

Pride, not Prejudice Why isn’t the Pride flag flown all the time?

Stu ar t Jef fer ies

‘We have the Aboriginal, and in some places Torres Strait Islander, flag flying indefinitely – as we should. We recognise that this land is theirs, and we are merely guests upon it. It’s for this same reason that the pride flag should be flown: recognition’.

Why isn’t the pride flag flown all the time? Why does the queer community have to wait until days like IDAHOBIT, moments of specific reflection on the global plight of the community under the grip of homophobia and heteronormativity? We have the Aboriginal, and in some places Torres Strait Islander, flag flying indefinitely – as we should. We recognise that this land is theirs, and we are merely guests upon it. It’s for this same reason that the pride flag should be flown: recognition.

even - to see the university flying the pride flags at our most prominent masts, including entrance of the main thoroughfare into campus. This was May 17th, the 2017 International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia (IDAHOBIT). The day acknowledges the varied yet nonetheless endless struggles that queer people experience daily worldwide. To commemorate this date, institutions opt to fly the pride flag: a cogent sign of solidarity with the queer community.

I’ll get back to this point momentarily.

That is why we should fly the pride flag indefinitely: recognition and solidarity. It is a symbol that serves to acknowledge and recognise the existence of queer people in society, a reminder that we exist. I’m not saying the Aboriginal flag shouldn’t be flown instead - absolutely not. Like wider society, there should be a reflection of the fact we exist together, constantly, side by side: white, black, Indigenous, straight, queer, and so on. There should also be room for the trans flag, of course, but as a first step at least run the pride flag up the pole as a continuous sign of reverence to the queer community as a broad collective. Once we get invited to the party, we can start inviting friends – trans visibility, I think, is critically important and there is still more work to be done there. I, personally, would like to feel I’m recognised by the society I have been living and working with my whole adult life. After all, I’m sure the university can afford a few more flagpoles.

The iconic pride flag, the instantly recognisable six horizontal stripes of red, orange, yellow, green, royal blue, and violet, is a somewhat downgraded version of the original. Created in 1978

by San Francisco artist Gilbert Baker, the flag first entailed eight colours, with hot pink, turquoise, and indigo added to what that remains today. That flag saw renewed interest in the wake of the infamous assassination of openly gay San Francisco City Supervisor Harvey Milk in the same year. In 1979, pink was removed for logistic reasons – there wasn’t enough fabric to mass produce flags containing that particular colour, and indigo and turquoise were merged to form the royal blue we see today. Baker provided meaning to each of the original colours (in descending order): hot pink/sex, red/life, orange/healing, yellow/sunlight, green/nature, turquoise/art, indigo/harmony, and violet/spirit. The current flag, however, has since lost this particular meaning, instead becoming a catch-all symbol for queer pride. Naturally, I was pleased - ecstatic,

Art by Sheydin Dew, Sheyded Art on Facebook.

cre at ive / p o e tr y

DESIRE B.M.

As thunder rumbles in the distance.

And rain pours down onto my roof.

And the occasional flash of lightning pierces the darkness — I find myself remembering you.

I want to see the lightning in your eyes firing into mine, The flash of desire in your gaze as you move towards me And embrace me tightly, Like you never want to let me go.

I want to feel your hands upon my skin Touching me so gently: Like I’m a fragile and priceless vase That could shatter and break at the slightest knock.

I want to hear your heartbeat drumming in your chest While you’re sleeping soundly beside me, Your deep breaths purring in my ears; Your body’s natural rhythm lullaby That serenades mine into a peaceful slumber.

I want to taste your name on my tongue, And feel the sugary sweetness of each syllable scrape my lips Leaving a stinging trail of bittersweet memories That seep into my skin.

But you let me go, And I did break, And now I can’t sleep because the silence is deafening.

And hearing your name feels like a thousand needles.

We were a storm.

We destroyed what was beautiful.

We left behind broken pieces that were once precious treasures.

And yet — I want you.

Just one last time.

c re at ive / p o e tr y

I FEEL LIKE I’M GETTING AWAY WITH SOMETHING Te ag han Bug g y

Her mouth could cut sunlight, her lips could put the sun to shame they are close enough to burn. they are blinding and I watch her from a distance.

My gaze peeks out from between my fingers, out from behind my lashes, out from the corners of awareness. / She laughs and the sound of it pours down my spine - it is gold and glittering, worth hoarding in the boltholes of my thoughts. / I take sips of her like whiskey, like something forbidden and wanted.

I am still reconciling the tremor in my hands with the knowledge that I am allowed to touch her.

I am still reconciling desire and bravery: kissing in the back of the cinema, holding her hand, taking her home.

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c re at ive / p o e tr y

LIVING FOR THE MOMENT WITH LESS FRAUGHT THOUGHTS R ichard Fa l k ner

I used to worry about my past mistakes And future ones to come.

I would leave my thoughts on High too long, until they stuck, Congealed to the pot.

This convoluted, complicated, procrastinated Way of thinking led to headaches And heartache, Financial pain and opportunities For happiness unrealised.

I was felled so low from these Mental blows, and as I defiled My life canvas with snot and blood I realised, wave the past goodbye And the future will be, one day.

So here I go, out for a stroll In the now. The here and Now – how exciting. Let’s grab This chance, take my hand And behold the present’s beauty.

stu d e nt c ou nc i l /pre si d ent’s rep or t

Student Council President

Here we are post budget and what we expected was a little different to what we got. But do not be mistaken, this budget is a blatant attack on young people. So, what does it mean for you?

You will pay more for your degree.

Jordon O’Reilly Contact Jordon directly via email student.president@ flinders.edu.au, or visit fusa.edu. au or call us on 8201 2371.

HECS rates will be adjusted to increase the average student contribution, which will be increased from 42% to 46%.

Course fees will be increased by 7.5% with the increase staggered over 20172021 by annual real 1.8% increase over CPI over the four years. This would amount to a $3600 increase for students in more expensive four year courses.

You will pay more sooner: The HECS income repayment threshold will be reduced from $55,000 to $42,000.

Repayment rates will be increased across spectrum and new top rates of 8-10% for annual incomes above $100,000.

You will pay more sooner, for less.

An Efficiency Dividend, University operating grants (Commonwealth funding for teaching) will be cut by 2.5% in both 2018 and 2019.

Cuts accessibility and student support The Higher Education Participation and Partnership Program now known as HEP changes will especially affect our students who come from low SES and Indigenous backgrounds, our regional and remote students, our students with disabilities, and students from non-English speaking backgrounds. Flinders University has prided itself on its high student satisfaction results, and retention rates largely due to the services and education it provides to students in these areas and more broadly.

Changes to the Welfare System Drug testing to those studying on Newstart and youth allowance. Cuts to penalty rates which will affect the income of those who need it most. A demerit system that could cut welfare recipients off from their repayments.

In good news, our Vice-Chancellor Colin Stirling has come out against these cuts, signaling it will have a harsh effect on our students, and it’s unfair of universities for to ask students to pay more, sooner, for less. FUSA will continue to fight these cuts along with the National Union of Students.

As always, if you have any concerns please don’t hesitate to contact me.

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stu d e nt c ou nc i l /i nter v i e w

Student Council Women’s Officer YOUR STUDENT COUNCIL IS MADE UP OF 19 POSITIONS, AND WE’LL INTRODUCE YOU TO ALL OF THE COUNCIL MEMBERS IN EMPIRE TIMES THROUGHOUT 2017/

What drew you to the position of Women’s Officer?

Grace Hensel

Contact Grace directly via email, womens.officer@flinders.edu.au or visit fusa.ed.au or call FUSA on 8201 2371.

Sign up to the Women’s Collective at fusa.edu.au/ collectives/#joinForm

I have long been passionate about advocacy for, and raising awareness of women’s issues.

For me, one of the most inspiring things is seeing women succeed. I am constantly encouraged by stories of women who accomplish incredible things, even when the odds are stacked against them. Seeing these kinds of stories made me want to be in a position where I can support women and help them to achieve, despite the fact that there are so many gendered challenges in society.

Ultimately I decided to nominate as Women’s Officer because it was an opportunity for me to be a spokesperson for women’s issues at Flinders, and it is a platform for being able to discuss some of these gendered challenges I mentioned earlier.

What are you hoping to achieve this year as Women’s Officer?

This year I thought that I would pick a few major women’s issues and focus on them.

One big issue for the women on campus is sanitary products. It’s so easy to get caught without one, and they’re not cheap either. There have even been a few posts on ‘Overheard at Flinder(s)’ about how expensive sanitary items are at the campus stores. Because of this, I’ve been working with the Welfare Officer on her sanitary items initiative, which provides emergency pads and tampons in selected bathrooms around campus. I am also looking at contacting the campus stores about the

prices of their sanitary products and seeing if they can make them cheaper, because FUSA will have limited stock to put in the bathrooms.

I also think that pads and tampons shouldn’t be a product that the stores are making big profits off of since they’re such a necessity.

I’m also planning on running some campaigns around campus regarding awareness about consent, domestic violence and the gender wage-gap. This being said, I’m also very interested in hearing what students want to see on campus. During the year there will be some Women’s Collective meetings; these are a great opportunity for women to come along and tell me what they want to see happen on campus – I’m here to represent you, after all! Keep and eye on the FUSA Women’s Collective Facebook page for when the next Women’s collective meeting will be. Also feel free to contact me through the Women’s Officer email for any suggestions or concerns.

Why is the Women’s Officer an important position for Flinders University?

Having a Women’s Officer is important for Flinders because it recognises the marginalisation of women, and recognises that women face a unique struggle at university, and in society in general. Sexism, rape culture, domestic and sexual violence, the gender pay-gap, sexualisation of women, the underrepresentation of women in positions of power, and many more, are all reasons why we need to have a Women’s Officer. This position ensures that women are adequately represented, and the female voice gets heard on campus.

colu m n/ qui z

Empire Times Quiz 1). In what year was homosexuality decriminalised in South Australia?

2). How many degrees are in a right angle?

3). What country did the band Of Monsters and Men originate from?

4). Which US TV series popularised the phrase ‘A damn good cup of coffee’?

5). Which of South Australia’s premiers was famed for his pink shorts?

6). Who played Will Graham in the TV series Hannibal?

7). The Statue of David was made by which famous artist?

8). Harris’s List of Covent Garden Ladies is commonly attributed to whom?

9). How old is Queen Elizabeth II? 10). How tall is Tom Cruise?

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11). In what year did the American Psychological Association remove homosexuality as a mental disorder?

12). What is the title of the second album of Florence and the Machine?

13). Who played the Seventh Doctor?

14). What is the capital of Texas?

15). What is the highest temperature recorded in Adelaide?

16). How many American Presidents have been assassinated?

17). Who is on the One Dollar Bill?

18). When did the Second World War end?

19). When is the next leap year?

20). What is the ‘27 Club’?

ANSWER 1).1975.

2). 90.

3). Iceland.

4). Twin Peaks 5). Don Dunstan.

6). Hugh Dancy 7). Michelangelo 8). Samuel Derrick.

9). 91.

10. 1.7 metres 11). 1973.

12). Ceremonials 13). Sylvester McCoy 14). Austin 15). 45.7 celsius 16). Three, 17). George Washington.

18). 1945 19). 2020 20). A group of musicians, and other artists who have died at the same age.

colu m n/ b o ardg ames

Board Game Baptism Fighting, Faith and Area Control ‘The combination of unique powers ensures that by the end of the game, each player is destroying their opponents in a wonderfully unique way’.

Patrick O’Loughlin Sex, religion and war have been consistently omnipresent and culturally valuable throughout human history. There’s neverending appeal in pointy sticks, crotches and invisible powerful forces, and the relevance of these subjects has made them viable as subjects for board gaming. Unfortunately, most of my research revealed, with regards to sex-based board games, groundbreaking titles such as “Sexopoly.” To hopefully make up for the lack of titillation in this article, I’ll be focusing on games that combine war and religion. That almost makes up for it, right?

In board gaming, war and gods are arguably best represented in area-control games. In these games, players deploy little plastic men on a big board game map and move them around to strategic, beneficial locations, beating up their enemies along the way.

Kemet takes place in ancient Egypt, where players control groups of big strong people who want to control temples because they enjoy chatting with their gods.

Victory points are attained by controlling these temples scattered around the map.

As some of these positions represent temporary victory points, other players are always ready to move in, crush your puny forces and set up shop.

In Kemet, each player starts off at an equal power level. Throughout the game, players

then purchase powers from a range of tiles that eventually result in all players having different powers and abilities. As players choose from the same pool of tiles (blue tiles are defensive powers, red are aggressive and white produces the prayer points used to buy tiles), powers eventually become unique. Once someone buys the giant killer scorpion tile, only that player gets to send out a giant killer scorpion to smite their foes.

Blood Rage sees players in control of (presumably) drunk, angry Viking clans that seek to reside in Valhalla (who doesn’t want to reside in Valhalla?) by crushing each other in glorious battles. The game is divided into three rounds, called ages, and each round consists of players passing a hand of cards around, choosing ones that benefit them. These cards represent gifts of the gods—powers that enable the clans to become stronger in battle, new strategies, or the summoning of giant, scary mythological creatures, which is evidently a running theme in these games. As in Kemet, the combination of unique powers ensures that by the end of the game, each player is destroying their opponents in a wonderfully unique way.

If you don’t want your kind of war to exclusively involve pointy sticks, sharp metal and grumpy gods, Cyclades might be a better option. Instead of appealing to the oh-so-generous gods for free goods

and services, in Cyclades the immortal jerks demand a payment of gold. Not just any payment, but the most payment. Players bid for the powers of Greek gods in Cyclades, and the winning bid allows that player to harness their fancy powers.

These powers allow players to jet set around ancient Greek islands, fighting, building and summoning mythical monsters. Only one god can be secured each turn, so there is often a need to plan several steps in advance, all the while ensuring your opponent pays through the teeth for what they need. If they’re about to move their ships to fight you on your cosy little island?

Dump a ton of gold on Poseidon and watch them squirm as they go bankrupt, or have to choose another option. The first player to build two cities wins, although it is a lot more difficult than it sounds.

Other notable area-control games I recommend you check out are Forbidden Stars, Chaos in the Old World, Scythe and Nexus Ops (some of these aren’t too religion focused, so I apologise). These kinds of games are quite heavy on confrontation, so if you’re playing with your mum, make sure that you tone the meanness down so that you remain in her will.

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Art by Michelle Eoncheff

fe atu re / d o c tor w h o

My Sexy Companion The Sexiest Classic Doctor Who Companions Cameron Lowe

There have been countless companions who have graced Doctor Who since it started airing in 1963.

Some of these companions have been great (Jaime McCrimmon, Clara Oswald) and some have been… questionable (Adric, Astrid Peth). Within all those companions there’s also been some who were quite sexy, with many coming from the classic era (1963-1989). Below are just a select few whom I believe were the sexiest from this era.

Polly Wright (First-Second Doctor) Polly is a hip, young woman from Swinging Sixties London; what’s not to love about her?

One of the first people to witness the Doctor regenerate, Polly certainly is an important early character. Although not as memorable as other First Doctor companions like Susan or Barbara, she excels in one place: sex appeal. Everything about her screams sixties youth, which, in my opinion, is really sexy. The one massive shame about her though is many of her episodes are missing, which means we’re unable to see her sexiness as much as they did back in the sixties.

Victoria Waterfield (Second Doctor) Victoria is perhaps, in my opinion, the sexiest of the black and white Who serials. Her cute face (even cuter when smiling) journeyed with the Doctor and Jaime from Evil of the Daleks (1967) until Fury from the Deep (1968), when she bids them farewell. As I mentioned before, she’s sexy because of that cute smile of hers, which makes her appear sweet, youthful, and innocent. Her sexiness only rises with that sixties style hair, despite being from the Victorian era. Although she’s got a lot of sex appeal, her character is nothing more than a damsel in distress with an annoying scream, which is a shame. I believe her sexiness would’ve been far more effective if she were a bit of a stronger character. Like Polly, there are only a few episodes we get to see her sexy face in.

47 Sarah Jane Smith (Third-Fourth Doctor) Perhaps the most well-known of the classic companions, Sarah Jane Smith is pretty much the pinnacle of sexy classic Who companions. A successor to just as sexy Jo Grant, Sarah is a strong and good-natured character with a lot of character depth. These traits reflect heavily in her sexual appeal. She’s a character who looks sexy in anything, from a Victorian dress to a red shirt and overalls, leaving much to the imagination. Her long brown hair and womanly appearance enhance her sexiness too, a trait which continued to hold up well in the revived series.

Romana II (Fourth Doctor) The Fourth Doctor had many sexy companions, but none, in my opinion, can top sexiness like Romana II does. Romana II has a youthful, innocent look to her, compared to her more womanly (and equally as sexy) previous incarnation. Her sexiness is further enhanced with some of the costumes she wears during her travels, the best being her schoolgirl one from the serial City of Death (1979), and her Edwardian sailor costume in The Leisure Hive (1979).

She also looks really sexy dressed in the same clothes as the Fourth Doctor in Destiny of the Daleks (1979). Her actress, Lalla Ward, also caught the attention of none other than the Doctor himself in real life. She and Tom Baker (Fourth Doctor) actually dated during the show and were briefly married afterwards.

Peri (Fifth-Sixth Doctor) Peri Brown is one of the more controversial sexually appealing characters I’ve added to this list. Since actress Nicola Byrant has naturally large breasts, a lot of emphasis was placed on them throughout her journeys with the Doctor. This emphasis and their size obviously made them wobble quite a bit during the serials, which makes for some good eye candy while watching. However, as much as it disappoints me to say, Peri lacks the character depth like some of the other sexy companions on this list. Her costumes, while sexy, left almost nothing to the imagination and did little to conceal her almost empty character arc.

This does dampen her sexiness a bit, and may even upset some people as her character is a little sexist by eighties standards. Despite these flaws, her character shines in two serials, The Caves of Androzani and Trial of a Timelord part 5-8 (Mindwarp), which I believe redeem her.

Ace (Seventh Doctor) No other companion in the history of the show has ever come as close to being as badass as Ace. Ace is one of the dream companions: she’s a strong independent woman who takes no shit from anyone. She’s the only companion so far to beat up a Dalek with a baseball bat (which is nothing short of fucking awesome), and to call the Doctor “Professor”. Completing her badass personality is an equally badass appearance, with a patch covered jacket being the main piece. This badass look and personality is why she’s so sexually appealing, in my opinion. You know she’s bad for you, but how can you say no to those lovely blue eyes and that youthful looking face of hers? She is my dream companion, and certainly one with a whole lot of sex appeal. It’s a shame we never got a proper serial to say goodbye to her in because the BBC cancelled the show in 1989, but at least we got two and a bit complete seasons of her to enjoy.

fe atu re / f i l m

Pirates of the Caribbean and the Problem of Johnny Depp

Liam McNally Six years after the last instalment, along comes, Pirates of the Caribbean’s fifth outing. A lot has changed in the film landscape around it. No longer is Johnny Depp the truly popular and bankable star he was. Now plagued by accusations of domestic violence, alcohol addiction, and financial waste and irresponsibility, Depp has fallen a great deal in public view. This has not prevented him from still attaining a number of starring roles in high profile films – something that has only proven a further cause for controversy.

When it came out that Depp had blocked the instalment’s planned female villain in favour of another male antagonist, fuel was added to the fire. Depp reason for not wanting a female villain (which would have been a first for the franchise) was reportedly due to having one in his 2012 film Dark Shadows and that this may somehow prove confusing for audiences. That a five-year-old film that met with modest financial and critical results could be the reason for this seems at best odd. Instead, we have another cursed sailor/pirate played by a well-respected male actor under heavy CGI. This time it is Javier Bardem.

If two female villains five years apart in separate narratives is too much for the audience to handle in Depp’s opinion, then he ought to consider how much we must all struggle with his constant recasting in a plethora of Tim Burton-helmed films. Or perhaps the audience will be bamboozled by another Javier Bardem role after his role five years earlier in the critically and financially successful Skyfall as vengeful MI6 agent, Raoul Silva? Or Bardem’s 2007 role as hitman Anton Chigurh in No Country for Old Men. The film itself is almost as problematic as its leading man as it continues to hark back to the franchise’s glory days of its initial

trilogy. The narrative was wrapped up sufficiently then and the succeeding two films have only sought to reopen a firmly closed story. On Stranger Tides, the fourth in the series, is arguably the weakest, being as backward-looking and nostalgic as the newest instalment but lacking the cast and characters of the originals.

This fifth film, at least, succeeds more in its nostalgic aims than its immediate predecessor but that is just the problem with the franchise – it constantly looks back and appears unable to see anything of promise in the future. It’s a tough ask to make the audience want to keep coming back if even the creators cannot find a new reason to entice audiences back.

‘If two female villains five years apart in seperate franchises is too much for the audience to handle in Depp’s opinion, he ought to consider his constant recasting in a plethora of Tim Burton-helmed films.’

The series has blown out to become a trilogy of five. A real trilogy with two feature-length epilogues. Pirates of the Caribbean, however, lacks the charm, originality, and freshness of that most famous of five-part trilogies, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Douglas Adams’s numerically-muddled series was written with a purpose and built on fresh ideas, not a rearranging of old ideas.