A perspective on Funerals and Direct Cremation

By Dr Bill Webster

Things are changing in the funeral industry, as we all realise.

People today are confronted with a plethora of possibilities and choices as to what to do … or not to do … when someone dies. Many are choosing basic direct cremation often without any service at all. Others want traditional funerals, whether religious, secular or humanist. Some prefer “no fuss” celebrations of life or memorials at golf courses, event locations or in the park or backyard. There are so many options, whether mausoleum, earth, or woodland burial, or cremated ashes scattered, placed in an urn, a niche, or on the mantelpiece. Cost is a determining factor for many. I’ve heard people say they didn’t want a funeral because it was “so expensive”. But if they did some in-depth investigating, they might find the “sticker-shock” pleasingly surprising, as you all know. (But it’s YOUR job to sell that reality!)

Let me make a bold statement! Whatever people decide about their loved one or their own farewell has more long-term significance than most realize.

While the general public will be influenced by ads and personalities speaking about the merits of whatever side of this discussion they are on, I believe that when choosing their options they will be more persuaded when they are shown and convinced of the therapeutic significance and beneficial worth of some … indeed any! … meaningful ceremony when someone dies.

1. What to Do?

When someone dies, the question becomes: “What do you do when there is nothing you can do?” The answer is to have some kind of ritual or ceremony to enable us to symbolically begin to come to terms with this unbelievable “thing” that has happened.

Put simply, a ritual is something we do when we don’t know what to do. And there are many “rituals” that can be considered, from traditional to informal; from religious or nondenominational, to secular or humanist; from celebrations of life to memorial services; from reception parties or informal get-togethers; to placing roadside memorials, releasing helium balloons or posting remembrances on Facebook or social media. A ritual is doing whatever you feel would be meaningful and appropriate to the person and the occasion.

Rituals, no matter what form they take, create an opportunity to do something to say a meaningful goodbye, helping us face the reality of what has happened and how our life is different, thus beginning the journey towards reconciliation and closure.

But if we choose to do nothing or deny ourselves the opportunity to say a meaningful goodbye, we find that our grieving process can become more complicated and we are often left with regrets that we did not do something … or anything! I see and hear it often as a counsellor.

We’ve all heard someone say, “Just leave me at the kerbside on garbage day”. But REALLY, would we want that for anyone we loved? Low cost sure, but would that help us feel good about their farewell? I know MY answer!

Ceremonies of any sort are for the living, not for the dead. I believe it is both crucial and beneficial to give people the opportunity to have their own celebration of life for loved ones to give them a significant ritual of parting. Some may ask, “I wish we had done that. But is it too late now?” When the death actually occurred is not the most important concern, for I believe we can offer creative alternatives to people who are searching for an opportunity to find closure in a meaningful goodbye.

It’s important to take the admittedly difficult step of discussing it with family and doing what is best for everyone. You only get one chance at it, so it is important to get it right, for the sake of the person who has died as well as for the well-being of family and friends left behind.

The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche wrote: “To live is to suffer; to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.”

After a significant loss, we need to begin to focus on how to make sense of what has happened in order to find ways to move forward. But how can we move forward when we feel we have not been able to say “goodbye”?

The loss of anyone loved is tough at the best of times, but even more complicated when families are unable or even unwilling to have a funeral or some ceremony to say “farewell”. Something seems incomplete, unfinished.

Suzanne lost her brother during the difficult period of the COVID pandemic. Because of necessary restrictions and regulations, the family was not able to visit him in the final months of his life, nor were they able to have a funeral service after he died.

She made a very telling comment in our group when she said: “COVID put my grief on hold. I managed to convince myself that the reason I hadn’t seen my brother was not because he had died, but because of the pandemic. It was so difficult not having a funeral … the whole thing didn’t seem real. I’d been believing he’d be coming home for over a year.”

Suzanne taught me that not having a chance to say goodbye allowed her to extend the disbelief of the reality of her loss, and even more significantly to delay her grief.

I was privileged to participate in a Celebration of Life for Suzanne’s brother two years after he died … in her Church hall, on his birthday.

Conclusion

The inability or unwillingness to share in some form of closure through ritual can and likely will complicate the grieving process. Although there are many differences, all ceremonies or rituals are designed with one common purpose; namely, to allow those whose lives were touched by the deceased to show their respect, share memories of meaningful associations, and begin the transition from life as it was to life as it now is.

That’s why I believe the decisions people make about funerals are so vitally important.