The History of Hellraiser: Prolonged Suffering and Finding Pleasure in Pain

The '80s is known as the golden age of slashers. A decade in which the formula was perfected. However, this genre didn't just appear overnight. Many reference 1960s efforts Psycho and Peeping Tom as proto-slashers laying down elements of what we would later see over and over. Both of these were way ahead of their time and probably only got away with it to the extent they did because they served as an analysis of perverts and transgender individuals. Hitchcock managed to keep his career afloat but Powell was not so lucky with Peeping Tom finishing his career. A tragic end for a man who had once given the world The Red Shoes

During the 1970s, the Italians developed a genre called the Giallo, named after yellow comic strips, which were like detective stories. Whodunnit mysteries or even Scooby Doo for adults (a favourite description of mine). The killers in these donned hats, trench coats and gloves resulting in the most stylish costumes, set design and cinematography in history. Hitchcock was a massive influence on these filmmakers with writers such as Edgar Wallace and Edgar Allen Poe being turned to as well. These films came not long after the spaghetti western, in fact you can see traces of the Giallos origins in the final films of the dying west. Cemetery Without Crosses being a fine example. You'll notice a link in that some of the filmmakers crossover. The young Giallo boys made their careers writing spaghetti westerns and the old western men finished out their careers making Giallos

A quick catch up of the genre would begin with Mario Bava's The Girl Who Knew Too Much and Blood and Black Lace. Next up, you have the genres two most competitive directors Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci. Argento would have early hits in the The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, Cat O' Nine Tails and Four Flies on Grey Velvet. Fulci in A Lizard in a Woman's Skin and Don't Torture a Duckling

Both would achieve more fame and recognition for their post-Giallo efforts such as Suspiria, Deep Red and The Beyond in the 1980s. They kept up the colourful palettes but moved away from the detective oriented stories. Argento's focus was always the eye and the image. Whereas, Fulci favoured the ear and gateways to other worlds.

Prior to his Giallos, Bava had worked with Hollywood's biggest horror stars Boris Karloff and Christopher Lee in Black Sabbath and The Whip and the Body respectively. Therefore, bringing international attention to his work. Never more so than when Chistopher Lee attended a screening of Bava's 1971 movie Bay of Blood. Lee made a big deal of the event to the press telling them he was attending a premiere of an Italian director whom he admired. After viewing the film, he pathetically deemed it too violent for his tastes. Cowardly antics considering how hard he liked to tell people he was back in the day. Luckily though, the statement did give these films a wider audience in their notoriety but critics firmly rejected them. Only in the last few years has public opinion began to change with Criterion jumping on the bandwagon, finally realising the talent involved.

I remain clueless as to why their artistic credibility was not seen when to this day The Bird with the Crystal Plumage remains one of the most fair to its audience thrillers ever made. In this, the killer's identity is revealed to us from the outset, no cheating involved. You have the opportunity to figure it out act one, if you've got the tools. We even get the image played back to us multiple times. It is only by looking closer and repeatedly we solve the puzzle. This method differs from most thrillers today because you can genuinely work out the killer for yourself ahead of the movie. It is overly popular to manipulate in this genre and control a movie so audiences cannot arrive at a conclusion before the third act reveal. In a sense, you're cheated. This does not happen with Plumage.

Lee was right about Bay of Blood though, it is wickedly violent, especially for its time. There is not the same finesse present than in Argento or Fulci's films and yet it remains just as important in the Giallo game for me. Strictly because of this increased violence bringing us closer to the package of the gnarly US slashers of the '80s. Alongside Bay of Blood, I would also acknowledge Sergio Martino's films Torso, All the Colours of the Dark and Your Voice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key as contributions bringing us one step closer towards what was to come. Martino is a dirty little bastard with a real eye for violence and the erotic. He never strays too far from those two. These films are all a little rougher than the glamorous Giallos the came before like Blood and Black Lace.

Now we make it to America with Black Christmas, directed by Bob Clark in 1974. This guy was on fire that year releasing a namsploitation horror in Deathdream and then going on to create the OG slasher and potentially first proper Christmas horror too. Many critics would make the mistake of stating John Carpenter was inspired by the Giallos for Halloween in 1978. These films had barely crossed the waters and were mainly seen by a handful of critics. Carpenter freely admitted that although he eventually came a huge Argento fan, at this time he'd only seen American horrors like Black Christmas and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Clark is believed to have seen the likes of Torso and Bay of Blood.

Halloween went on to be an enormous success though pulling in $70 million off a $325,00 budget making it one of the most profitable independent movies of all time. To take this in for size, another independent horror, Terrifier 2 is getting a lot of attention right now (and deservedly so) for currently sitting on a gross of 2 million from a $250,000 budget. Sean S. Cunningham and Steve Miner see these numbers for Halloween and they go off and make Friday the 13th in 1980. At this point, it's unavoidable, the slasher wave of the '80s had arrived. New decade, new genre cycle. Audiences wanted it and filmmakers could bring it in on the cheap. Small townsfolk made names for themselves over night. Locals became legends all for making a movie over a matter of days. Everyone was inspired. Everyone wanted a piece.

Without fail a new slasher arrived every Friday night like clockwork, which you would take your buddies to, get drunk and later maybe go to a party. It would be easy to get lost in the sea of slashers from this period. Consequently, the ones I would most recommend personally would be in no particular order Jesus Franco's Bloody Moon, Brian DePalma's Dressed to Kill , Michele Soavi's Stage Fright, Anders Palms criminally underseen Unmasked Part 25, Doris Wishman's A Night to Dismemember, Juan Piquer Simon's Pieces, Tony Maylan's The Burning, Wes Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street , Dario Argento's Tenebre and Tobe Hooper's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 Despite not all being characteristic or the most popular entries, I would say they are the best. The Burning is the best slasher in its truest form. However, each of the other ones here provide a unique experience each time, demonstrating what the genre can do rather than what it was known for.

Critics gave these movies a very hard time, earning the likes of Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel no friends in the horror community, despite being generally decent critics. People forget the absolute magic of Tom Savini's special effects work. A man who saw the reality of Vietnam, capturing it on his camera like Joker in Full Metal Jacket When he returned home, he decided the films being released weren't close enough to the truth. This led him to putting his knowledge of decapitated limbs to use in the slasher genre, effectively coming horror's secret weapon with his insane levels of gore. Unfairly, this guy is only respected in horror circles when in reality we should all be thanking him horror fan or not. Why? Because if it wasn't for this dude blood in cinema would still look paint red like it did back in the '70s. It was Savini who first began experimenting with different mixtures of fake blood and producing the more accurate representation we see today.

Right so here's what you do. Start with The Burning and make your way through those 10. Finish with intentional parodies like Unmasked Part 25, Tenebre and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. the latter being the king of '80s slashers for me as it knowingly mocks the entire genre, 80s excessiveness, sequels and John Hughes movies. Fuck it, it even mocks itself and the original. Mark Kermode and Kim Newman have made it well known that they hate this film because it appears as though it was made by someone who has never seen or understood the original even though it was still directed by Tobe Hooper.

Tonally yes, it's completely different and this is exactly what makes it great. It's the post-modernism that opens up the door for new opportunities when the genre had supposedly run its course. Does Kermode not realise this is written by L.M. Kit Carson known for scripting the Breathless remake (discussed in issue #3). That is the best way to see it. Breathless Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a parody of everything to the point you can't fully work out what level of satire it's operating on. Even I'll admit I wasn't so taken by Texas Chainsaw 2 at first but does have its Gonzo appeal and the comedy offers an alternative separating it from the relentless stream of similar slashers.

As much as parody does offer a genre a temporal after life past its golden age it does tend to signify the end. A final cry of creativity. Always annoying cause I do tend to like this period as a kind of reflection on all that came previously and why we came to love them. Occasionally, in some genres a reminder that it wasn't all that bad, may have been some messy detours but a fun journey overall with a wonderful send off.

Whilst I can't say I've ever got bored with the slasher cycle, I can see why many were happy when Hellraiser entered the picture when it did in 1987. Clive Barker became a first time director for it adapting his own novel, The Tell-Tale Heart.

Barker cited the reason for his venture in to filmmaking stemming from the fact he was disappointed with previous adaptations of his work and the direction horror was going in generally. Big boy Barker felt the need to step in and correct its course. His contribution? Less comedy, more horror and unprecedented levels of horniness. This film has plenty of culture tied in with the 'Cenobites' being inspired by Barker's trips to S and M clubs in New York and Amsterdam, hence all the leather involved. Came at the right time too with the way music was going, a sort of visualisation of the industrial genre. Adding to this, Coil were actually meant to do the soundtrack. Luckily, some of their arrangements were recycled and used in the movie. All of this proved too horny for the censors and Barker had to go to war with those conservative overlords to steer clear of the dreaded X-rating.

At its most basic level, Hellraiser is about these Cenobites, a gang of individuals previously human but now living in hell. Their pursuit of total satisfaction has led them to become unable to distinguish between pleasure and pain. Using the Lament Configuration (a small box) they can be summoned back to earth to test subjects in the two P's. You've got to constantly remind yourself these details when you're watching the sequels because the filmmakers themselves seem to forget the fundamental principles too. Expanding on the mythology isn't exactly this series strong suit. Instead, it usually seeks to add and take away aspects with each film to best suit its needs at any one time, more so than arguably any other franchise. In the process, character motivations become very confused. I will get to the exhilarating ride of these sequels but first, let's stick to the original.

Reaction to the original was extremely strong on both sides. Melody Maker had it down as the Best British horror film of all time and Roger Ebert declared it a 'bankruptcy of imagination'. Clearly, he hasn't seen all the sequels.

Where do you think I sit on this one? The former of course. Without a doubt Hellraiser sits at the very top of British horror alongside Peeping Tom, Don't Look Now, Kill List, The Wicker Man, Dracula and Repulsion. I adore Barker's style which is somewhere between Stephen King and William Peter Blatty. Conflicting battles of good and evil with the perseverance of faith in questionable times all through the lens of B-movie trashy horror. Fused with an overwhelming sense of erotica and this perfect understanding of sexual pleasure and torture having lines which become blurred. Everything about the approach still seems mature and never nerdy or boring. Of course, the first film remains the undisputed best of the lot.

Hellraiser 2: Hellbound was the initial sequel released in 1988, only a year later. Tony Randel takes over directorial duties and since he served as editor on Barker's film, it still has plenty of the originals flavour. Toned down on the erotica but it does not sacrifice any of the surrealist elements making for an extremely exciting trip through the originals world. Set design even bolder. Some will accuse it of being a plotless affair, especially with it moving away from targeting family structures but following this one from beginning to end is too much of a beautiful journey to miss out on. A cerebral experience with so much to digest. Best to think of the second film as a Jodorowsky movie. Only repeat viewings will allow a deep understanding but on a first watch it sure has an intoxicating cinematic beauty that is more felt than understood. Potentially favouring the emotional over intellectual.

Having seen these films originally so far apart, it always baffled me how they took this material in to franchise mode. Barker's film had some marketable aesthetics especially in The Matrix like outfits but this was too artsy surely to work in the same way as the Freddies and the Jasons. I always wondered how they sold the series and made it so iconic in pop culture as it is today. Hellbound didn't answer that question at all being a reasonably faithful follow up.

Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth is the break away from the pattern and explainer of how this became a temporary box office staple.

I'll admit to being massively impressed by how the third film handles the shift in to a more commercial arena. It's a re-invention inside the body of '90s horror sequel. My admiration for it lies in that it does not sacrifice too much in its dumbing down process. However, I could understand those being disappointed that they took the original movie that was a move away from slashers and then made this series shift back in to what it was rejecting. In all fairness, as wrong as the move may be, they made a decent movie out of it so what the hell(raiser).

Bride of Chucky and The Exorcist 3 are the guidebook for how to reinvent for the '90s. Hell on Earth can't quite reach those heights but is a fantastic achievement for the same reason as those movies. Let's go with a notch above Freddy vs Jason. How did they make this movie mainstream then? Turn the Cenobites and their leader Pinhead into iconic serial killer types of course. Throw that leather in your face and make the box a cultural artefact recognised by everyone. Plot wise you keep things pretty simple and don't you dare overcomplicate. Literally: Box -> Cenobites appear -> people hurt. Don't stray too far in to the originals complex themes of sadomasochism and religion. Hell on Earth even uses a KMFDM song (Ooh-LaLa) on the soundtrack, which did it some real favours by expanding the fan base and still keeping it in line with the industrial aesthetic so not to lose the hardcore fans. They kept the plot tidy too with Pinhead appearing at a night club and going on a massacre. One of the best dancefloor wipe outs I've seen since The Collection. Any confusion is cleared up by the locations hammering home the themes and keeping the young, dumb and full of cum entertained for a solid 90 minutes. Hey, they even keep a few surreal war scenes!

You'd think Hell on Earth did such a great job that this series would be set for the next 20 years with the strong package established. Think again. Hellraiser 4: Bloodline becomes the first, of many, duds.

Strangest part about Bloodline is that it's not completely terrible. Our problem lies in that its themes and ideas are too complex for the dumbed down package carried over from Hell on Earth. Pinhead becomes this Nietzsche like figure opposing God and addressing modern society's rejection of religion. He has one of his best lines in this, when he reveals, "Do I look like someone who cares about what God thinks?". An absolutely hilarious line which put me in stitches. Tragic what happened here because thematically it's so rich with so much on its mind about sex, slavery and religion but it quickly becomes lost in the convoluted storytelling. Only Blatty could have saved this one. Get him directing and make Brad Dourif part of the cast, wallah all sorted.

We get some, and I always hate to see this, serious pussyfooting in Bloodline as it tries to play sequel and prequel simultaneously. Fair play to it for realising that yes you can have many different times, worlds and realities at play in Hellraiser (something the other films forget) but this is a total mess. We get a costume drama (which is boring) alongside a futuristic Jason X rip off (which is hilarious). Has its moments does our friend Bloodline but its buried under piles of shit. Dreadfully assembled and blatant production problems. One director going for a classic pseudonym to distance himself from the project being a big indicator and then Joe Chappelle was brought in, which says it all. The thing is, you never call on Chapdog to save your project because the moment you do, you are doomed. This guy ruins series. Chapdog's name gives me the shivers every time I see it because this is the man who made the Halloween movie The Curse of Michael Myers

Understand that I love nearly every Halloween movie but the fucking curse of Michael Myers. Fuck you Chapdog Stay out of my sequels.

Part 5 in the Hellraiser series brings in an entirely new formula to sustain itself. Inferno marks the beginning of the Seven rip offs. They would try this no less than 3 times across the 11 film run and on in this occasion it works best. Any Saw fans in the house would be wise to check out this entry.

Unfairly, due to the wavering success of the series, this is the first to be a DTV (direct to video). Unlike his buddies Jason, Freddy, Michael and Chucky, Pinhead has never been big box office and it's easy to understand why as I mentioned previously it's too high concept. Or at least it was to begin with. Try explaining to your mates after 12 pints what Hellraiser is about, you've got no chance. Regardless, Inferno does exactly what a DTV release should do which is announce the arrival of a talented young director. You play your cards right at this level and you move up in the world to a bigger pond. I am referring to Scott Derrickson. A decent director who's made a real habit of making shite films. He's become too much of a fucking sell out these days but I do firmly believe he's got the tools.

Many will know him from The Black Phone and Sinister. Can't say I particularly like them. The director has two modes. Really grisly atmosphere (that I approve of) and childish nonsense for a mainstream audience (that I don't approve of). Sinister showcases some of his best and worst tendencies. Ethan Hawke blowing up celluloid footage of snuff films on to a laptop absolutely represents the good and the kids following him round the house clearly the bad.

Before watching Inferno, Deliver us from Evil was my favourite Derrickson film. Not an opinion shared by many but Eric Bana and Edgar Ramirez hunting down a bunch of dirty Doors loving demons was fun. Ok, so the whole soldiers coming home from war with demons metaphor is undeveloped but Derrickson is allowed to do what he does best without interruption: atmosphere. This movie has all the dread of Scorsese's Bringing out the Dead and a late night crooked cop horror film like 10 til Midnight. No kiddie nonsense to ruin it. Wait, Bana actually avoids his kid in this one because he's carrying a lot of guilt as a cop. The way it should be in a Derrickson movie. Kids should never enter the frame. '50s creature feature fans like myself will be intrigued too by the way it updates red scares with middle eastern fears. It's in need of some re-appraisal this one. On Netflix at the moment too so next time you need a late night grimy movie that hasn't showered in days, here you go.

Inferno is actually now beginning to get some respect too in retrospective reviews and it deserves it. Derrickson's best work and one of the best of the Hellraiser series. It utilises a Jacob's Ladder style set up along with its Seven aesthetic. We get a dirty detective trying to solve a puzzle, whilst hooked on the coke, cheating on the Mrs and banging prostitutes on the side. Detective Hoffman fans in the Saw series wait til you get a load of this dude. He represents all that’s shady about law enforcement. Dude looks like he hasn't slept in a month and all his colleagues keep saying he needs a 'Psych evaluation'. You know the type. Difference between this and Saw though is that Jigsaw offers characters a chance at redemption. Whereas, Pinhead offers only pain. There is no escaping or redeeming in Hellraiser, there is only torture. You are not tested, you are punished. Inferno is an inverse of the familiar structure to explore themes more appropriate to Hellraiser, making this a good one. Also, helps that it brings back the surreal scenes and turns it all in to a Lynchian noir. Great movie.

2002's Hellraiser 6: Hellseeker maintains the Seven aesthetic once more but it's a whole lot shitter. Hellseeker is the first in the trilogy of Rick Bota directed films. Yes, we are now in Rick Bota's hands for better or worse. No idea who this geezer is but he does not have the tools. Hellseeker is a bad movie on all accounts but I couldn't help but find it a pure guilty pleasure. It's basically Inferno but done by a complete amateur. Final Destination fans may flock to this one as this is when they start ripping off that series too. They cement Pinhead as this Jigsaw type testing people here and playing games. It doesn't have that clever inverse of Inferno though with that lack of redemption so it's nowhere near as relevant or interesting. You know me though, I live for a good 90 minute game. Whether its kicking a ball around or John Kramer laying out traps, I want it.

Number two in the Bota trilogy and the seventh in the series is the worst one so far. But you know this from the lousy title, 'Deader'. Sounds like a tag line to a Die Hard movie. *said in low gravelly trailer voice, "Deader. Harder. He's back!"

Although it might not seem it, I am actually more tolerant of these sequels than a lot of people who tend to give up after the first two. Why? Because I don't mind them being stupid. They can be intellectual. They can be dumb. They can be artsy. They can be trash. Don't bother me none. What they can't be is bloody boring. Deader is as dead as it gets. It's a fucking snoozer. Literally, other than a couple of promising stylish sequences on a train, this has very little to keep you engaged.

Not mentioned this yet but the last three films (5 to 7) have all been written in a specific way. The studio would buy scripts, either cheap horrors or thrillers, then tag Pinhead and the Cenobites in to them later. Meaning that they were originally just random stories that were then turned in to Hellraiser movies. On the last two, I could defend this movie as it does indeed cause each one to be different and have its own personality. For 60 minutes you're watching a normal thriller and then they try to tie it in to the series. Inferno was enjoyable to see how they would bring in the Hellraiser material. Only thing that would have made it better was if they went the Dan Trachtenberg route (Prey, 10 Cloverfield Lane ) and taken Pinhead off the poster and the entire promotion. That would have been braver and cooler, to slowly realise you were watching a Hellraiser movie. Genuinely, it could have pulled it off because Inferno stands on its own feet as a detective thriller.

Deader does not stand on its own two feet, becoming a site of your hatred with the series thus far. A culmination of the problems the last two movies made you forget about. Back to that question of how did they turn a high concept artsy horror in to a popular franchise? Firstly, they went the Chucky path. That is 90s re-invention and turning in to what the original was opposing and made in reaction to. Worked for a single film and could not be repeated. So now what they do is write other movies and then have the final 20 minutes as a Hellraiser movie. Hilarious, isn't it? Let them get away with it for two movies but Hellraiser: Deader had me chanting for about an hour, "We want Pinhead, we want Pinhead!"

After that disaster, Bota wraps up his trilogy reasonably respectably with Hellraiser 8: Hellworld. This brilliant act of stupidity put me right back on the Hellraiser train. This one had it all. New Nightmare/Scream postmodernism lacking any of Craven's wit. Chat rooms. Fan sites. Forums. And, I shit you not, a Hellraiser party. A plethora of shitty nu metal. A mansion owned by a creepy old Lance Henriksen. A young horny Henry Cavill who gets head and treats women like shit. Superman ends up getting penetrated from behind (not a lie). Nokia brick mobiles. Torture traps. The lot.

Honestly though, it does very little with these wonderful ingredients. The sexy poster suggests this is the movie of the future and you can see they've really wanted to use the internet in this film as it was hot topic. However, they never really find a way to use the internet in a more abstract sense, resulting the same old slasher setting: a party. I was expecting video games and other realities but we’re restricted to the same old location. There was some hope with the scene when they all get handed Nokia bricks at the party but even this fell short. Bet they thought they were well clever because characters could chat to each other in different rooms with mobiles and continue their separation. Dialogue carries on and so can the killer.

Always does intrigue me does horror and the mobile. There was once great fears that those small pocket sized devices could kill off horror. The ability to call for help and alert the emergency services killing off any danger before it even begins. Mostly, they just ignore their existence but I do always watch closely to see how mobiles will be used to affect situations. One of the only decent uses of the mobile I've seen in horror was in Scream 5. A girl uses the 'find my iPhone' function, building up suspense as we fear this may lead her straight in to the clutches of the killer. All credit to the scene, it showed if thought about correctly, mobile phones could create new scares rather than hinder the genre as was first believed.

What you will notice with Hellworld is for the majority it lacks plot and has to revert to finding reasons to randomly split characters up in to alternate rooms. Any resemblance to plot is stolen from I Know What You Did Last Summer. This whole time they're trying to sell it as Hellworld, when in reality it's just Lance Henriksen knows what you did last summer. I couldn't hate this film if I tried though. You can visualise the filmmakers continuously shouting, "forums? Fan sites? Yeah! Yeah! That's so cool. Throw that in. This is gonna be awesome!", with next to no thought as to how to make a proper story out of it. Hellworld is immensely stupid but on the whole, fun.

The thing to note with Hellraiser is that just when you think it can't get any worse, it does. That was always Pinhead's greatest gift, finding new levels of pain. If you thought Bota's trilogy was a real low point, wait til you see the next two. These are exceptionally bad. Even the die hards can't hack these. You could have told me the last few weren't DTV's and I would have believed you. These two showcase the worst of DTV (for those looking for the best it's Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning ). What we have here is very cheap, very ugly, minimal locations and no consideration for framing with cameras placed willy nilly

First up, Hellraiser 9: Revelations from 2011. A movie made in a matter of weeks and a by-product of Dimension Films contractual obligations to make another movie or lose the rights to the series. Sums it up really, it's that kind of financially driven project with no consideration for the fan base. Corporate bullshit. Cannot support that at all. Neither could Pinhead, Doug Bradley even walked because he disapproved of the rushed approach. Safe to say, this film took me back off the Hellraiser train.

You can tell Revelations is a mess because its running time barely even surpasses the hour mark. Hardly even a finished feature. At first it looked obvious that they'd switched to found footage format to save on production costs. Unexpectedly though they abandon the found footage pretty quickly and for some reason I changed my mind on the subject, believing they should have kept that angle up to add something different to the series, no matter how poorly handled.

Revelations does incorporate the US/Mexican border beef as all series had to in the 2010s. Although, an earlier participant it hardly expands on the theme and becomes more like Rambo: Last Blood and Terminator: Dark Fate than Sicario. Meaning dumb misguided xenophobia rather than a commentary on dumb misguided xenophobia. Instead of Bota's intentional comedy and parody, this is an attempt to re-align the series with the shock of the original. Not necessarily a bad idea for a reboot, returning to the roots but this is some awful execution. Bota's trilogy was dumb people making dumb shit, whereas this is just dumb people trying to be smart and serious. Hardly playing to their strengths.

As a result, the violence and sex is increased. We have racial conflicts, Columbine snuff and suburban family satire. All of which is tackled in a very infantile shock free manner. A small few have praised it on the grounds that the picture is nastier than the predecessors. Yes, it is ugly, but it's not even ugly enough to be interesting. No doubt someone like Todd Solondz could have turned this in to an unforgettable and scarring masterpiece but these guys are what Walter Sobchak would refer to as, "fucking amateurs". The stab at Amityville Horror: Possession incest was just laughably bad. Oh and the funniest line does come from that scene too when a girl refers to the Lament Configuration by saying, "The box? I love that thing, it's so cool". Come on that's my line when I'm on my 12th pint watching it. Perfect demonstration of the intelligence on display in Hellraiser: Revelations.

Took them another 7 years to pluck up the courage to release Hellraiser: Judgement, which makes no sense because it has the appearance of something that came five seconds after, resembling an inevitable double tap sloppy turd on the shitter that joins its brother in the bowl. A quick one two of dung. Did amuse me this one though because when all else fails at sustaining the franchise, what comes next? Back to ripping off Seven. All options exhausted, back we go! Half respected the decision because it's blatant message of "We are out of ideas". It's difficult to be angry at a moron. Oh well, it's a slight improvement over Revelations but saying that is like saying putting your head in a vice and being abused by Joe Pesci is better than slicing off your own foreskin with a rusty tin opener.

Only redeeming factor of Judgement are The Auditor and The Assessor. Both those two fellas were on the right page. One of them types your sins in your own blood and the other eats the evidence then throws up in to a pipe. An act they've clearly been doing for years. Very entertaining stuff. The main actor in this Damon Carney thinks he's on some Kill List shit and its obvious the only man who could have saved this, I want to say sinking ship but the ship was sunk a good few films a go, would have been none other than Ben Wheatley.

Fucking hell, so this had been a long journey but I was finally up to date with the Hellraiser series! I'd been waiting a long time to say that and Christ it felt good. Normally, I enjoy endless horror sequels and become an apologist along the way. Not today. Let me tell you something, I have seen all the Jasons, all the Freddies, all the Jigsaws, all the Chuckies, all the Michaels, all the Bates, all the Leatherfaces and all the Ghostfaces and I have never encountered a worse run of films than the Hellraiser series. No wonder they were doomed to DTV releases when no-one else in the gang was subjected to the same treatment. Sad to see, since the first Hellraiser is of a real high standard. Anyway, I wanted to catch up with all of them so I could feel the pain the fans had experienced so far and I'd even heard the latest was meant to be great.

I did all this just to watch the new one and it fucking sucked. Big time. No exaggeration when I say, this is the worst one of the entire series. What did I say about this series continuing to teach you new levels of pain just when you think it can't get any worse?

Fucking Pinhead and his ultra-devotion to inflicting pain. Bastard. They want to tell me this is good because it has gay characters, male nudity and solid production values. Whilst I support having the first two (Cruising and A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 are the peak of homoslashers) you do have to actually do something with it otherwise it's just lazy and you're simply queerbaiting.

As for the latter, anyone who believes that a film is inherently better than another because of production values is a clueless fuck who should keep their mouth shut. If this were true, then why would we still praise the likes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Last House on the Left and Night of the Living Dead. We've had plenty of higher budget, better looking slashers since. It is literally because of their aesthetics that we speak of them so highly. How else would you comment on Vietnam news reels and exposure to real life violence through television? Are you going to tell me these films would do a better job with a higher budget? They literally tried putting Night of the Living Dead in colour and it robbed it of its news footage style aesthetic documenting 60s imperialist wars, assassinations and racial lynchings.

So yeah saying any movie is automatically better than another because of budget or production values is just a ludicrous take. If it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit. There's different decisions that suit particular material. Hammer Horror for instance is the opposite, needing bold sets and costumes. In this case, I have no idea how making Hellraiser prettier and more aesthetically pleasing would be a good decision.

In fact, it's a dreadful decision and the very reason, I believe it is the worst one yet. Ends up looking like a Disney Channel adaptation. Yes, The Cenobites are out here looking like a 12 year old girl band. Let the kids have their fun is always my stance and if Disney dropped something like this in the early 2000s alongside High School Musical and Jump In, I'd say cute, obviously I'm too old for it and say no more. There's been some mistake though cause this shit has Hellraiser on the title. They've hijacked my slot and kiddified it, which pisses me off royally cause this isn't the '80s and horror bangers aren't being dropped every Friday night.

For those who have seen the last two Hellraisers (Revelations and Judgement) and are confused how it can get any worse, allow me to explain. Those were truly awful movies, let's not forget that but at least they knew they were Friday night horror movies. Call it a terrible form of the correct package. This 2022 version is a terrible form of the completely wrong package. You could drop this new Hellraiser on Nickelodeon at 4.30 on a Wednesday afternoon and no-one even would bat an eye. Genuinely, I wish they had and I could have gone, "aw that's nice isn't it".

Insane to think that I was singing this director David Bruckner's praises about a year ago with The Night House. Rebecca Hall gave one of my all-time favourite ever female performances next to Jane Fonda in Klute. No-one ever talks enough about this Hall 'Tour De Force' (yes I've decided I'm bringing this phrase back after some Steely Dan head I know used it ironically the other day in the boozer to describe a beverage when asked by a bartender). They should have rained down on my woman with Oscars after that knockout. An even bigger injustice than Toni Collette's disrespectful snub with Hereditary if I may be so bold as to say. Female alcoholism doesn't get enough attention in film and that bird fully convinced me she was going through something alright. Don't know about you but I am sick of seeing it presented as some cheery fucker darting about with loads of energy, wine glass in the hand. Hall's depiction was painfully closer to the truth and we need more of these images to counter the bullshit of how it's usually presented.

Perhaps, Rebecca Hall was the real success of that movie and this Bruckner is a fraud. She went on this year to do the rather uncomfortable Resurrection and trust me she's on a role. I have given her the title of 'Horror Hall', the absolute queen of this genre right now. She's really found herself and is in a mid-career high. Jenna Ortega seems a bit too much like the brunette Chloe Grace Moretz right now. There's hope there though or maybe I'm just too old for that kind of star.

Bruckner carries on his commitment to the addicts of this world which is admirable but he can't really find a way to continue it past the first act of Hellraiser. The writing does very little to progress the theme past the first 20 minutes. Too much of it becomes sacrificed to make way for the Hellraiser plot and the characters become lost. Even if it did maintain the characters, it soon settles in that Odessa A'zion isn't Rebecca Hall and Jamie Clayton sure as hell isn't Pinhead. Watching this I felt the same energy of Donnie Wahlberg in I think it's Saw 3 (hard to tell with all the flashbacks) screaming at the top of his lungs, "You're not Jigsaw, bitch!" Goes through me that one every time. Pure mind games that should be used on an opponent who gets too cocky for their boots but is nothing on the main attraction. At regular intervals and whenever she went for a Doug Bradley sermon, I would yell at my telly, "You're not Pinhead, bitch!".

What happened to the sex this series started with? Totally gone here. Replaced by a couple of under the sheets conservative sex. Typical woke nerd characters with the filmmakers trying to be all lazily progressive. All we get is a dude's buttocks as he stands in the shower. Have we finally reached the point where we have to say, "that's great and all but can we have more boobies?". Don't understand why this has always been such a problem. How many times are we going to have to keep having this conversation? We don't need to tone down anything, we want more of everything. We don't want one form of nudity instead of the other, we want it all and we want it now! So get all the cocks and all the boobies available and round them up for action. Come armed or don't come at all.

There's a scene early on in this when two friends with benefits are going at it in the bedroom and one of them midthrust accidentally goes and spoils it all by saying something stupid like, "I love you". The partner says, "what?", becoming so distracted she ends their workout and leaves the room. Why I didn't do the same, I don't know. If I could go back, I would have. That was my cue. Horror is about fucking not love making. How dare they infiltrate my Friday night movie with this monstrosity. Be arsed with this shite masquerading itself as a Hellraiser movie. Hell was not raised.

Personally, if I was to modernise Hellraiser, the erotica would make its long awaited return for sure. I'd be fighting off those censors as I try to capture the most blasphemous images ever committed to film. As for the much needed dumb pop appeal? I've got that covered as well. I'd be following in the footsteps of Daniel Isn't Real by using Boy Harsher's Pain. That song would be very much at home here. Plus it could well be time to go back to Coil as Barker originally intended. Hellraiser takes a trip down The anal staircase baby! That would take us away from this Disney deviation and back in to the hands of clobbering brutal industrial.

This Hulu Hellraiser reboot is a far from cry from their earlier success this year with the Predator series on Prey. That gave me too much hope here and was exactly how I expected that to pan out originally. If there's something this series has taught me though, it's that each successor tends to be so bad that the previous entry comes even better. I can't tell you how they will do it but the next one will be worse than this I have no doubt and I'll be defending Bruckner's garbage saying, "it did have a promising first act with the addiction stuff". Thus, I will find pleasure in pain. Why does Pinhead keep doing this to me? If you're reading this you fucking leather obsessed freak, I'm challenging you to a 1 on 1. Location: the rooftops by the docks in Manhattan. We're doing this Jason Takes Manhattan style. I'm going to show you the true meaning of pain. Mano a Mano. And don't give me any shit about needing a stupid box to get there. I know your games, buster. Be there or be square, coward.

Bonus Points:

-Bruckner continuing his exploration of addicts (even if it is only for one act)

-Male nudity for the gays and the women

-Making me see the small good in the last two abysmal films because of how bad this was

Overall Score: 1/5