Looking Through the Glass Onion

Rian Johnson told you about Thrombey Mansion, you know the place where nothing is what it seems. Well here's another place you can go. Where everything flows. The current king of neo-noir offers up his latest murder mystery, Glass Onion. This time Blanc is shipped off to sunny Greece with a whole host of new characters. Or should I say suspects?

Meet the gang who unironically and embarrassingly call themselves: The Disruptors. Never without his piece, muscle man Dave Bautista plays men's rights activist Duke Cody. A spear gun loving dumbass shaped on Joe Rogan. Next up we have Kate Hudson as Birdie Jay, a stunning actress we're always happy to see but the hamming here as a politically clueless model is painful to watch. The ever odd looking Kathryn Hahn plays politician Claire Debella, careful, cold and looking for environmental solutions. Rising star Leslie Odom Jr is a scientist who will do anything for a discovery. Musician Janelle Monae is the silent ex-partner, who's almost too quiet. Finally, who can forget their leader, Miles Bron played by the ever dependable Ed Norton. Bron is a billionaire hippie with a "rudimentary" understanding of disruption theory. The losers club band together believing themselves to be 'cool' breakers of the system in each of their chosen professions.

Norton is quite possibly the saviour of the film with his ability to chew around the worst dialogue ever written. Ironically, as an actor, he could well and truly understand disruption theory because he's one of the only actors in the group who can take this to the edge without destroying the whole thing. To say Glass Onion is a smooth ride would be false information. Notably, it has received a warmer reception by American audiences. Perhaps, they can tolerate it's awful humour. If so, they can keep it. First off, it's 2022, why are we still making COVID jokes? Move on. Already outdated in that regard. As for the crypto jokes? Get to fuck.

You know, I blame Marvel for this but why are the mental ages of characters in films decreasing by the second? Thing is, I can get over Marvel characters doing it because that's their thing. I'll just try to stay out of it. The Marvel machine looks like it's collapsing anyway with recent efforts like Thor: Love and Thunder. What I can't hack though is when that shit comes over to my ball park. Remember that scene in the Coen Brother's A Serious Man when Larry Gopnik looks over baffled at his neighbour crossing the territorial line and trimming part of his lawn? That's how I'm feeling these days every time I watch anything that I'd normally enjoy.

Stay on your fucking side Marvel. Honestly, I'll stop criticising your decisions if you keep to your patch. Needs to learn a lesson about boundaries. Any further attempts at infiltration will only drive me mad. I mean look at Bullet Train Fight Clubs other movie star, Brad Pitt reduced to another pathetic wimp of a character throwing out lines like, "Holy shitbox", "eat a bag of dicks, lady" and "ah fucknuts". Marvelisation is the great evil of our time. That movie could have been a 90 minute Tarantino/Guy Ritchie knock off and I'd have passed it. Especially with a few David Leitch action sequences giving it some real John Woo appeal. Instead, though characters just talk and talk. I came here for fucking beatdowns not for that now classic popular line in way too many movies today, "Normally I'd whoop your ass but my shrink tells me I've got some issues to work on". Just shut the fuck up and throw some punches, you hear?

Pure and simple it's the dialogue that ruins these movies. Nowadays they spend about 10 pages until they get to the set piece. Dismantles the rhythm of the movie. This is why they created one liners for good economy. Keep the picture moving! This clunky dialogue is damaging the pacing significantly. We need a Roger Corman figure to just start pulling pages out the script. Really struggling to get through some of these coming out at the moment. Keep thinking maybe I should quit going the cinema and jump back on the train in about 10 years when this trend has passed.

Bullet Train then has the nerve to pass itself off as some Kurosawa/Frankenheimer epic at 2 and a half hours. Oh behave, you can't clumsily chop a bunch of scenes together and tell everyone you've created an epic. Edit it down to the right length and get a grip. If the narrative warrants it, then fine but if you're doing it for the sake of it and it doesn't happen organically cut the fucker down to its appropriate length. There's only so much Taylor-Johnson can carry on his shoulders before it loses steam. Why didn't they just create a 90 minute explosive action movie like John Wick? They had it in the arsenal with David Leitch but no the Marvelisation really ruins it.

Glass Onion isn't immune to similar treatment with a few horrible stinkers of its own. At one point, Benoit Blanc actually says, "Shitballs". Can somebody please tell me why 40/50 year old men are talking like this? Kate Hudson's character has the mental age of about 6. I know she's meant to be stupid but I mean come on, do they have to be this irritatingly stupid? Sort of takes away from the jokes when they aim this low. You'd think Ed Norton would be trying to avoid all this after his well-documented beef with Marvel following his involvement (or rather lack of) in The Incredible Hulk back in 2008. Largely forgotten about now but that was one weird movie. Tim Roth keeps thinking he's starring in some R Rated action movie like the director's previous work, The Transporter. Unmistakably at odds with itself. No idea how Roth handles his inclusion in the more recent She-Hulk. No doubt he's toned it down to be family friendly this time.

Back to my original point though, what's Norton doing here? Can finally understand his move to cinemas ugly sister (theatre) oriented projects with movies lowering themselves like this. At least over there he can speak like a normal adult rather than a fucking infant. Respect though where due, as I said, he makes the cringier elements of Glass Onion tolerable to some degree. An unbelievably talented fellow.

Newer audiences will complain about older '70s movies not having the strong sense of pace presented by modern movies. However, I'm starting to think perhaps it's the other way round now. All these movies I'm witnessing at the cinema today are so slow because of all this unnecessary and unfunny dialogue waying them down. It simply doesn't add anything, it only takes away from the picture. After watching Glass Onion, I had a craving for more whodunnits but of a decent standard and so went back to Christie classics Murder on the Orient Express and Death on the Nile. Both of which are bangers. Yet to see Kenneth Brannagh's versions but those '70s ones were fun. Would recommend revisiting those over Glass Onion for how this is really done.

Without a doubt the funniest jokes in Glass Onion are all visual sight gags. For example Blanc's matching swimming outfit is a killer. These are great and I wished they used them more. It would help with that pacing problem. Also, I'm lost as to why they don't have more faith in the actors and the direction. 100% this a is solid cast that can really act. Not one of them is weak. Not Hudson at her best but we've all seen Almost Famous so we know she's got the tools. This is just a misstep and consequence of a messy script. Funny, she was on a heavy ratio with me of how annoying she was against how down bad for her I am to let her get away with it. Unfortunately, the annoying side won out in this great cinematic battle. Also, Bautista's becoming the new Schwarzenegger with his lovable qualities. Where Jason Momoa hasn't quite achieved it, Bautista is. Want something trashy? Put him alongside the Guardians of the Galaxy? Want high art? Shove the silliest and smallest pair of glasses ever on him, make his dialogue minimal and get him in Blade Runner 2049. Whatever you want, he can deliver. He can make it work. Making the Schwarzenegger connection, regularly I watch Conan the Barbarian and the beauty of that is hearing Schwarzenegger trying to wrap his way round Oliver Stone's philosophical lines. In Glass Onion, there's something similar early on when Bautista's attempting to discuss men's rights. Something really funny about a dumb looking macho man trying to engage in intellectual discussions.

So proud of Mr Bautista and everything he's achieved so far in his career since his wrestling days. Makes me happy too that WWE has got such good links with the low budget DTV action exploitation market. Makes some of these dudes able to make the climb up quickly to becoming stars. Some of these aren't even all that bad either. Yet to see soft porn legend Gregory Dark's See No Evil horror movies with Kane but Roel Reine's really managed to distinguish himself in this arena. You may not believe me on this but The Marine 2 has a one on two fist fight so good it belongs in The Raid. Ok, maybe you have to get past repeated storylines but on a purely technical level they deliver on the action. You're sure to see a lot less cutting during fight scenes and they are economical. Both of which Hollywood just can't compete with. Bautista made his start with the likes of Wrong Side of Town and House of the Rising Sun Yet to see either but they sure look hilarious. He even went on to do the third Scorpion King movie with my man Roel Reine. Not saying all these movies are good conventionally but Reine's got a real gift for action sequences if you like your martial arts.

Forgive the overly long trip in to Bautista's past but just know I like Glass Onion's cast. And I hate to see this happen to them. It's like they wrote a really good whodunnit script and you can feel studio heads piping up over the shoulder about adding in all these terrible modern jokes afterwards. Reeks of that business. John Guillerman's Death on the Nile is less explicitly a comedy than Glass Onion but I know which got more laughs from myself. This is the direction I'd like to see films take again. One that puts faith in its actors to experiment with line delivery and for directors to mess around with conventions and cliches. This inserting line after line of awful jokes needs to stop. Although, it seems stupid to say, genuinely I'd prefer they played some of these genre movies straighter. That way they'd actually deliver the goods of the genre rather than some bland blockbuster product. When you've got a cast this good, I'm sure they can do subtly funny things with familiar lines. That's how you make it your own.

Back to the investigation at hand, being the consummate professional that I am, I had this case figured pretty early. Sadly, the opening act is a little too obvious. Alright gang, my first clue on this mystery was Mr Blanc not acting like himself. At first, I was thinking this is one of them sequel problems where the actor somehow forgets how to play the character. They buy too much in to the public perception of the original character and play it at an extreme level and the result is a caricature. After a while, it soon occurred to me, what if he's pretending? That led me to figuring out his partner in crime on this operation.

As for my chief suspect in the murders, that was easy, the one who was conveniently taken off the suspect list from the outset and never shown involved in the montage of mock murders. Finally, as for the location of the mysterious package, this one came from listening to The Beatles Glass Onion too much in preparation and Ed Norton's constant references to the nature of a glass onion. Whilst, this film isn't all that great, I remain fascinated by the concept of the glass onion. What a beautiful metaphor with all its red herrings. A genius use of the song, which was originally meant as Lennon's way of inversing the entire Beatles mythology and mocking the critics in the process. Red herrings get me so horny. Soon as I see one in a movie, I'm adjusting my black Borsalino, jotting down a few words in the notepad and stroking my chin for the next five minutes. Anyone who tries to speak to me or halt my investigation in any way is met with a "beat it, Toots!". To work I go. Nothing gets past this detective. Call me Mr Hardboiled.

Once you get past the first layer of the onion, this Knives Out sequel isn't all bad. All the scenes of Blanc and his accomplice discussing potential suspects are delicious for any murder mystery lover. Structurally, this is impressive too with the manner in which the second act mainly repeats the first but from different angles and perspectives allowing for greater information. Rashomon style whodunnit that will hook you completely, almost making up for the first acts shit show.

Not only does the second layer of the tasty onion make up for a lot of the flaws of the first quality wise, it actually does find excuses for the lack of quality through the narrative. Gets revealed it's all a deception. Sadly, it was too obvious to fool me. You don't gotta be Benoit Blanc to see through this one. I don't care if it has purpose narratively, it doesn't have to be so ugly and it also does it no favours that you see straight through it. Could have still had the situation being off without resorting to such an unbelievable extreme.

The story of the Glass Onion is one in which a decent whodunnit was nearly destroyed by shoehorned in humour. In fact, the strength of the first film is that it took a dark Fincher thriller like The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and transformed it into a family comedy with undeniably strong pop appeal you could throw out at Christmas time. Yet, in being this family package, it never sacrificed the thriller elements. Make no mistake, that's not an easy task. They walked the line so carefully with the intricate family history to get lost in and there were still these perfectly timed eccentric moments for the Blanc character (comparing the case to a donut, making literary references with Gravity's Rainbow) that had you thinking there was a whole series here. Never does it sacrifice the integrity of the movie with too many jokes and so it treaded delicately to earn itself the widest possible audience. In contrast, Glass Onion doesn't have the same discipline. You have the court case and friendship fallout in the aftermath, which is something to sink your teeth in to. All that was strong enough to lead the picture but they overstuff the movie with pointless humour.

Personally, I find little things hilarious. Such as the way Blanc deals with a case in his own particular manner (stylish touches rather than overt comedy) but there was no need to really de-age the characters on this like it did. Solving the puzzle and playing the game is the fun to me but the shaky dialogue distracts you from that and ruins the picture.

Slashers, Giallos and even Scooby Doo have their murder mysteries but of the classic whodunnits, Clue and Death on the Nile remain the textbook examples. Yes, Nile is better than Orient Express if you ask me. Not the popular opinion and I'm sure the book is all that. However, the film is a different story. My favourite scene in any whodunnit is always when the detective literally sits the cast down to finally present his big theory. Always gets a laugh from me that one. Starts staring people in the eye uncomfortably and coming out with shit like "You could have had time to return to the parlour and switch the...". Every time the method is the same, no proof, all theory, the detective rattles the suspect in to submission. They make up some bizarre method of obtaining evidence and the killer confesses to everything on the spot. Kills me on all occasions. It's what we come to see. Johnson needs to return back to the old tricks and not let the studios bully him in to scenes which detract from those we love.

Orient Express is flawed due to Albert Finney's overly loud performance, which drowns out even the train's whistle. One of the best casts you've ever seen and all their performances lost due to this one maniac. Did he not get the memo that in this type of story the detective normally underacts to seem cool and collected? It's the rest of the cast that overacts if anyone has to. Naturally, he's the only Hercule Poirot to be nominated for an Oscar. They like loud over there. Despite, this simple problem, I'm convinced Johnson would be wise to return to how that film had such a focus on the interrogations using the confined space of the train. Although, they were ruined by Finney's acting, that is where the whodunnit can thrive. Individuality comes through via the little differences in the performances. The fun is in tackling the information each person gives. Choosing whether to mull on it or disregard it. I'd like a bit more subtlety in the performances next time. Everyone is so loud when it comes to the Glass Onion. When you've got everyone figured out from the outset, it just isn't very good is it? Shouldn't be coming in like a bulldozer first act of a whodunnit. It's against the rules. Try a little secrecy and tact. What the fuck ever happened to Everybody's got something to Hide Except me and my monkey?

Knives out had me hungry for more of these films. The potential was there to keep going with a new location and cast each time. Only regular being Benoit Blanc. Set up was so strong on the first, the groundwork was laid out and I was completely welcoming of sequels. Now I'm not so sure. Shame because I've been a fan of Johnson's since day one.

Not always so sold on the teeny high school elements of Brick but it was original and exciting to see him picking apart the noir genre like that. Joseph Gordon Levitt was on some real form between 2004 and 2005. Didn't realise he'd been in all Johnson's movies. Even appears in Glass Onion, so keep an ear out for his contribution. Another cameo that amused me was Hugh Grant, who lives with Blanc. Either Hugh's his butler or Benoit Blanc confirmed gay. Usually, disapprove of the modern cameo, where the punchline is just ha it's this actor doing this! Hardly earned and it's always the same boring actors like Ryan Reynolds. But I have to admit these two were funny.

Looper was conceptually strong and had its Blade Runner-esque moments of respectability. Slows down a bit in the middle but the opening act has the makings of a classic. I remain as ever a fan of The Last Jedi. Could well be the only auteur Star Wars in history and one which actually explores the Jedi's faults properly. They almost did back in the prequels with the separatists but the character motivation is so vague and they just resort too quickly to simple good and bad that the point doesn't land. Before you know it Count Dooku is zooming off on his little bike across the skies and the film makes its decision to abandon any points it was making for trash. Funny though. Last Jedi may not be as fun as Rogue One or Solo (it's directed by carsploitation legend Ron Howard and features a heist so I'm an apologist, sorry) but the material is Star Wars at its most interesting for sure. Plus, it benefits from the fact nerds get so rattled by it. Always amusing.

A solid career so far. No need to ruin it like this. He's a good writer of noir just needs to know when to tell the studios to back off. Surely, he can do that with the list of films to his name? Before we get Knives Out 3, it's back to square one for Johnson. So far it's donuts > glass onions. My closing statements on Glass Onion is that in the words of George Harrison, It's All Too Much.