Barbarian is This Years Facemelter

Don't you dare read this unless you've watched the movie. If I catch you doing that, you will receive a slap. Go in blind. Letting it unravel on you moment to moment is the fun of the game. On the facemelter scale, we're talking high, especially for todays standards. The kind of facemelter you come out the cinema wanting to shadowbox in pure excitement. Last year it was Bob Odenkirk in Nobody, this year it's Barbarian. I came out the cinema and went straight to the boozer and got so drunk I was chatting some birds head off about how The Three Gorges Dam is a powerful contraption. A film like this will do that to you. You'll want to roundhouse kick anyone in the nearest five feet. So unless you're looking to throw some hands, stay back. Stay back! Cause Kung fu Kelly is activated. I'll keep this one short cause even having seen it, talking too much would ruin the simple visceral impact. This is just quick high energy cinema. Is it good? It's very good.

Barbarian is Hostel for the Airbnb generation. The scars of the Reagan administration loom large. Got to be the most twisted take on the old myths of Halloween and decent conservative family values (discussed in issue #5) I've seen in a while. A repackaged and equally raw love letter to The Hills Have Eyes. Ok maybe not that raw and punk as that one, especially with its polished use of synthesisers. Industrial Techno artist A001's track Necro is excellently used to the point you'd think it was the score. That was always the delight of torture porn that no one ever touched on. Former Nine Inch Nails man Charlie Clouser was a master on Saw of amplifying and distorting sounds to the point you couldn't tell what was screams, clanging metal and simply the score. A cacophony of sound indistinguishable as to whether it is diegetic or non diegetic. Completely irrelated to torture porn but I recently saw the incredible Richard Stanley's Hardware. My Lovecraft boys may know him from his recent Colour Out of Space but back in the '90s, Hardware was his Terminator rip off and you know what, it's fucking great. Much better than Bruno Mattei's cheesy Cameron homage Shocking Dark. Reason I mention is because, he uses this track from Public Image Ltd, 'Order of Death', smartly as a John Carpenter style theme for his movie. In the last issue, I mentioned I was wanting horror to move on from the synthesisers and embrace newer sonic developments in metal.

Truthfully though, I don't think it's that I'm tired of hearing synths in horror. Always loved the synths. No, more accurately, I'm tired of hearing unprofessional knock offs that aren't fit to tie Johnny C's damn laces. However, if you want to use some actually talented musicians and pre existing songs rather than these lousy composer bums you hear too much from nowadays, count me in. The beauty of the A001 track is how atmospheric the fucker is, once you hear it, you're wondering down those basement steps and roaming the corridors of the underground floors. It's not just a jolly 'how good were the '80s man?!' Typical score you get all too often from the last few years.

Musical deviation aside there, it may be a little too well done to be Hills Have Eyes but it sure does capture you in with its crazy situation involving a fucked up family for its full run time then spits you back out rather suddenly. This time our fucked up family lives in Detroit. Although, I've never been to the place, based on cinematic representation it is now in my head: the place of where awful rappers spawn out of trailers and become huge popular shock artists. It is the home of street cops who are not adverse to breaking in to mansions in Beverly Hills and squatting. A location where people hate their union more than their boss and will try to steal back what they're owed due to the corruption. Somewhere that old people take Asian boys under their wing and deal with their 'nam guilt by teaching decent American values and bullying the other local ethnic minority the blacks. If you have sex there, a demon thing will literally follow you round and murder you much like aids. Oh yeah and who could forget, Spiderman comic fans who are so depressed they need their bosses to buy them call girls and they will literally fall in love with a woman overnight, fantasise about airports and kill, steal and deal their way on to the plane. After Barbarian, we can now add on the lesson of don't buy real estate there. Why does cinema hate this place so much? Apologies to those from Detroit for their insane cinematic representation.

Let me tell you something, it makes up for the flaws of the last few Jordan Peele movies. Imagine if Us was great. It would be this. Even has parallels with dudes living underground, except this one has the good sense to keep things restricted to Detroit and contain its allegory. The director here, Zack Cregger, who I've never even heard of, neatly described it as "David Fincher upstairs, Sam Raimi downstairs". I approve of this well disciplined structural balance. By this what is meant is a gritty controlled realistic thriller at top level and a chaotic evil monster jam at bottom level. Come to think of it, I feel a strange kinship with this set up, which could possibly be due to my brain being organised in quite the same way. Except with myself the foundations aren't so strong and the two filter in to one another.

Seen a few comparing Barbarian to Don't Breathe. They are both in fact set in Detroit and display some respectable suspense. However, there is an element in which they do differ. Don't Breathe set up this slightly futuristic apocalyptic decaying society in which people are being forced to abandon traditional values in order to survive an economic crisis. A situation, which actually made the gangster pictures like Scarface, Little Caesar and The Public Enemy so popular during the great depression in the early 1930s. Barbarian also has these aspects linking it in to repercussions of Reaganism like Halloween and all the '80s slashers. Now where they differ is that, Barbarian can confine itself to this basement. That's where your mind goes and more importantly stays. Whereas, Don't Breathe suffers from the same flaw as the first movie in The Purge series. Your mind can't help but wonder what is happening outside.

Storytelling is a real strong suit here. You're riding it out with the double booking to the trip down to the basement, watching the madness unfold. Honestly, this was horrible to endure because I needed a piss the whole time that clown dude from IT disappeared down the steps. Begging the difficult question of how on earth do you go the toilet in a movie where you just know once it turns, it's all kicking off and it's not a stopping.

Barbarian had the feel of a real rollercoaster. The BnB scenes merely the queue for what is to come. You just had that instinctive knowledge that this one was going to explode. But which first, the movie or my bladder. The absolute downside of Rambo reviewing. Oh well, it adds to the suspense. Fair play to these guys though for not showing too much in the trailers. I don't think I'm alone in saying we were all wondering what the fuck is down in that basement and where is this one going to go.

Respect as well that it went The Grudge route with the Pulp Fiction like episodic jumps and character switches on the narrative. All of sudden we start following Justin Long and it has the balls to just roll with it. Out of nowhere, right when we're about to address just what the fuck is in the basement around the half way point, we have a Psycho moment and the new main character is now a disgraced actor caught in a rape allegation. Whilst it doesn't become this zeitgeist exploration of the MeToo movement just the insanity of being thrusted in to this new situation is overwhelming.

Trapped in the intoxicating clutches of the media, Long decides to hide out in one of his owned properties, which of course happens to be this BnB in Detroit. Doesn't take him too long to realise he could have squatters. This struck me as odd because I thought Detroit denizens normally squatted in Beverly Hills. Maybe that's just Axel Foley. Barbarian is actually something of a buddy cop movie too. Yes, Justin Long and his tape measure. Name a better duo. That shit had me in stitches. Another reason, I'm a big Barbarian man. Finally, a film that gives me what I've always wanted. Justin Long being tortured and made to do weird things. You don't know how long I've wanted this. My man just has a face you look at and you're rubbing your hands together like, "Right, time to absolutely bully this man". The baby bottle and mangled boob sucking. Oh God this is some sicko shit. One for Castle Freak fans. Couldn't stop laughing in the cinema. Thought the dude next to me was going to have a word. You don't get enough horrors these days utilising the comedy. That's how it's meant to work. You tense them up with the suspense, you relieve them with the comedy and boom you hit them with the real scare.

Strongest part of the movie for me was the switch back to the '80s. Adore my horror when it gets all audacious switching between times, characters, locations and even aspect ratios. Barbarian goes at that without even looking back, which is what I really admire about the storytelling. It never asks, "Do you mind if I do this for a bit?". It just fucking goes for it like a David Lynch movie in to next direction it wants to go in. Barbarian doesn't care if you hate where it wants to take you, it still takes you there as a willing or unwilling passenger.

In the '80s segment there's a gorgeous stylistic changeover on the aspect ratio and an incredible choice to keep the camera behind Richard Brake as though following his every move, a silent witness. Purely voyeuristic. A wicked thrill. Richard Brake though. What a man. Generally in this industry, he's underused and undervalued. Known to all Rob Zombie fans. He makes even his weaker films like 31 great by stealing the show. This dudes like an even more twisted Hugo Weaving looking motherfucker. No word of a lie, I could watch a whole movie of this mad bastard just listening to the radio, ignoring his neighbours, shopping and preparing various mischief. My grindhouse boys who be loving shit like Maniac and Henry will be all over this. This is first person serial killer shit. Fanfuckingtastic. Repercussions of Reaganomics on the radio is such a vibe. As Killing them Softly did with Obama on the radio acknowledging the consequences of the 2008 Wall Street crash and pretending there's still a united America, this does something similar. Likewise, this too does have a focus on the housing market.

After all its praises, now for the weakest side of this movie. Barbarian comes armed with a solid dose of the sick shit but not enough gore for me. In that regard, it's a little too well behaved. Didn't mind the Maniac throwback section lacking violence because that was part of the thrill just following a mad man going about the most banal activities and that little window unlocking said it all. Mischief.

However, you cannot, and this is a big one, you cannot have that bold and striking image in the room with the camera, bed and bucket and then not show us the footage. How fucking dare you! No ones saying you have to ruin the strength of the image by showing everything that occurs in that space. I acknowledge that the mind is always more powerful than the image but come on just a few hints please. They had the opportunity to give you flickers though when Justin Long accesses those videotapes. Was half convinced I was witnessing what it was like for older horror fans who'd had to endure cut versions of their favourite films with blatant scenes missing.

This is where the film comes a little up its own arse in a modern way that nearly ruins the movie. Clearly, it wants to comment on torture porn and found footage, two of the most recent popular horror trends, but wants to avoid or even be above that kind of spectacle and the criticisms those genres face. Exactly, the shit that pisses me off about Michael Haneke's movies. Get your head out your arse and get your damn hands dirty, you cowards! What kind of perfect individual do you think you are to believe you are so much better than your material? There's a real arrogance in it that rubs me the wrong way. As though discrediting other people's works and saying you will do it right this time because you are a more decent individual. That's backing down before you even begin to me. A director can comment on filth and depravity all they like but they should never see themselves as above it.

They're so fucking lucky that image of the room itself is so haunting and now etched in my brain that you can fill in the blanks to some degree yourself. In a weaker directors hands who fails to get such a disturbing image without the perfect colour palette, I'd be even more disappointed. Imagine if they gave this script to Eli Roth though. Christ that would be 5 fucking stars.

Cannot leave without commenting on that ending. Plot finishes. Credits roll. Now that I've got respect for. None of this false ending shit. When the movies over, it's over. Get the written and directed by in and call it a day. Pack in the pussyfooting. It's time to go home. No one ever really came to a horror movie for that last overly long scene in which it reconfirms that the characters lived long happy lives and everything turned out okay.

Barbarian gives us a strict lesson in this discipline. It refuses to lower its fast paced high energy for some corny bullshit and in doing so leaves you ready to bust out those moves you've been working on in the dojo. My kind of cinema. And what a way to end it hey? With one of my all time favourite songs and one which sure as hell summed up what this fuckers about. BE MY BABY. Fucking hell, the adult babies are going to love this, aren't they? They may have a new favourite. Someone tell Neville Southall the adult baby take over is back on.