The Fear and Cowardice Tour

There's been some ignorant shouts from a small corner about Dune: Part 2 being a fascist film. Nonsense it uses Nazi imagery to represent its bad guys, which last time I checked was perfectly fine. Those who believe that endorses fascism need to check for some serious brain worms. If you want to see a director struggling on how to use fascist imagery to progress a story, look no further than Zack Snyder. Nearly all of his films feature fascism to some degree or another. The man's clearly fascinated by it. Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about? Let me go through each film tracking the developments in Zack Snyder's fascist ideology.

Although, I haven't seen his debut, a Dawn of the Dead remake, in a long time, I cannot recall it being overly political. Based on memory, if anything it tones down the originals consumerist satire to just be a dumb late night action movie. Many people (and possibly even myself) would consider it to be potentially his least flawed work to date and the reason may be that possibly he is not the author of this work. Writing is credited to James Gunn, who I'm guessing politically is probably closer to the left than Snyder given his youthful days spent in a punk band. So, little opportunities for Snyder to develop his interest in fascism on film number one. His sophomore effort takes an even further dive in to pulp with an actual comic book, courtesy of Frank Miller with 300. Undeniably one of the best writers in the history of the medium after Alan Moore of course. Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe the two hate each other? But then again Moore is a firey figure who's beefed with everyone, probably including himself, at some point or another. Moore aligns himself with anarchism, whereas Miller sees himself as more of a libertarian. However, you could be fooled in to thinking Miller was further to the right and has definitely been accused of being overly conservative.

Miller's contributions to Batman reinforce the character as either a violent vigilante like Travis Bickle looking to reintroduce decent values in to society or in his later days becoming this withered down old man with a no nonsense attitude to crime to the point he's re-evaluated his methods and is more willing to use dirty tactics such as weaponry and murder to get the results. Moore believes that Sin City is misogynistic too.

I have always maintained that Year One and The Dark Knight Returns are fantastic explorations of the path of the vigilante over time. Time being a crucial concept too often missing from the superhero genre. They prefer this idea of a constant and endless serialised stream of adventures, which is great that you can always check in on your hero but where's the story in that? You need time for the progression of the character otherwise the whole thing just becomes meaningless and purely a money making enterprise. As for Sin City, it’s a damn bear perfect noir with a corrupted world. Any misogyny is inherent to the genre and its completely aware of it, positioning characters as antiheroes with not perfect but let's say particular moral codes to cope with living in the sleaziest town on the planet.

300 is a comic I'm yet to pick up but this one does seem uncomfortably fascist. It depicts the battle of Thermopylae, fought between the violent Spartans and the Persians. First off the Spartans are a warrior class, like the samurai, so there's always going to be some fascist ideology in there somewhere but there's also that inherent coolness making them perfect for edgy pulpy comic book fans. Naturally, Miller removes their tendency for man-boy love scenarios because that would be very 'uncool' and 'unmanly' of his warriors. In the film, the Spartans are highlighted as victims fighting against the oppressive Persians. When in reality, those Spartans were just as cruel if not worse than the Persians. All of this side is weirdly ignored to present the Spartans as total heroes with the odds stacked against them. A brave losers narrative.

As one would expect, Snyder is more enthralled by the battle sequences (and if they're up to Miller's usual standard, they're probably fantastic too, he's one of the best at detailing action since old Kirby himself). This is why we refer to Zack as more of an accidental fascist. Truthfully, he seems too stupid to understand the political implications of his texts, since, since he's enamoured by the potential for pure entertainment. Appearing cool is his only intention with no consideration for the ramifications.

The who or the why in battle is of little importance, only that the characters look cool while they're doing it. Essentially, this makes it harder to hate him because he's so laughably juvenile. Anyone would realise this within moments of meeting him. You know, it's kind of mean just hating on the dumb guy. So in some sense, he's possibly likeable rather than as insufferable as he first appears. Rather than evil, I think clueless fuckhead would be the more accurate term.

What is uncomfortable and unforgiveable though is people's total acceptance of 300 without question. There's an undeniable camp and the cast is sexy enough (Butler is a good looking bastard) to enjoy on a detached ironic level but 300 has always been weirdly approved of by audiences and is popularly deemed to be a great movie. It's reminiscent of some of Ridley Scott's dodgy epics like Gladiator and 1492 with their Roman empires and colonisers, which are hugely enjoyable but somewhat disturbing in both the filmmakers endorsement of the characters and the audiences lack of criticism. There's nothing more embarrassing than Scott trying to back up empires as a positive necessity.

For his third feature, Snyders switches it up with Miller's enemy Alan Moore for an adaptation of Watchmen. Prior to that it had often been agreed as difficult to tackle in enabling its leap to the big screen. Many would state its structural issues in the conversion to screen and how to cover the story as a feature length movie. Personally, I'd be more concerned with how to address Moore's anarchist message. Do you take that seriously or have a laugh with that side? Maybe it depends on your own politics.

I'm no expert in comics, having only really delved in to the classics from Batman, Hellboy, X-Men, Sin City and Swamp Thing but there's something slightly disappointing in that Watchmen, which I consider flawed remains unbeaten. Meaning, I don't think there will ever be a comic book out there that I will consider perfect. Don't get me wrong, I'm obsessed with Batman's journey from morally principled and disciplined hero to near psychopathic the end justifies the means antihero. I'm hooked on Professor X and Magnetos constant shifting over how far to take revolutionary violence against their oppressors. And I seriously want to know if Hellboy ever uses that red right hand of his to unlock the portal to the inferno!

However, it's Moore that has come the closest to legitimising the medium as an art form by having the strongest and purest vision. Comic books have this tendency of being endless and written in a way that’s about keeping a regular plot going in a manner that's even worse than most US sitcoms. Watchmen is so cohesive and such a beautiful response to the times it was written with all the fears of nuclear war. Yet, this annoys me slightly because despite Moore making a solid case for it, I don't fully agree with his political agenda (don't completely disagree with it either) and there is so much about the piece that is immature.

Then again, I have come to really like Moore more over the years. Unsure whether he has matured with time or if the more I've read about him he just seems so well intentioned. In the past, I'd have called V for Vendetta cringeworthy but knowing that it was written as an angry response to Thatcherite Britain with increasing surveillance, class divide and homophobia is utterly respectable. And as for the cringeworthy parts, they can be forgiven because Thatcherite Britain is enough to fry anyone's brain to start producing some degree of nonsense. The main thing is as I said, it's well intentioned if just a little misguided now and then. So how do you go about navigating Moore's form of anarchism, which was in all fairness still developing from slightly embarrassing first time political interest to fair argument across his work?

Evidently, this isn't a question that concerns Zack Snyder. Instead, he opts for the Robert Rodriguez method of directly transferring the panels to storyboard. Controversial in that I blurs the line between copying and adapting. Such a process ignores the fact that these are two different mediums and so this shouldn't work smoothly in a narrative sense. In defence though, it does lead to some gorgeous developments in the visual appearance of cinema. In particular, Rodriguez's use of digital technology envisions an entire new world for the viewer to get lost in. He's also either helped or at least inspired by Tarantino's talent for non-linear storytelling and so its assembled that always links back to the key themes by the end of each tale.

Somehow and this is possibly a feat, Snyder copies Watchmen near panel for panel and comes out with an entirely different conclusion. Part of the beauty of Watchmen the comic is that it opens you up to this possibility that the very idea of superheroes has been wrongly conceived and that it would mainly be this giant mess of competing ideologies where it isn't clear who the heroes and villains are and you have to be more involved in that decision making process. Causing the typically conceived juvenile nature of superheroes to expand in to being a political tool. As for all the masked vigilantes and outfits that's just camp to have fun with allowing there to be this wonderful potential for pop art.

Alternatively, Snyder's adaptation comes out championing the fascist character, Rorschach, and causing the audience to sympathise with him.

Proving the point that you can't adapt something literally. The closer you go, the more you lose. Therefore, you have to respect the two mediums differences and find a new means to get the point across. Now, that doesn't mean we shouldn't obsessively study panels. I always wished this was an aesthetic we would aim for as opposed to the MCU's natural bland boring look.

What we need to be doing is keeping the stylish visual elements but understanding how to collect and unite the images in accordance with a smooth narrative that works for movies. There's some great irony in Watchmen the comic being this celebrated postmodern piece (that has definitely inspired myself over the years with its use of music, especially when All Along the Watchtower appears) and Snyder is guilty of merely replicating images with no understanding of how to reference them in relation to the story.

Having said all this though, there's one moment in Watchmen that would really contradict this and that's through sound. As ever, I remain impressed by the use of Phillip Glass's Koyaanisqatsi score for the watchmaker and Earth departure sequence. To this day, Koyaanisqatsi is the best documentary I've ever seen and arguably would be better described as a visual essay. Respectably and even boldly it avoids the common overused talking head interviews. Totally mastered by Errol Morris but they have generally plagued the documentary for too long. Visual over verbal to put across the environmental concerns and disdain at human contribution to the overall problem. In effect, this is how Dr Manhattan feels the moment he decides to abandon our doomed planet. Got to give it to that clown Snyder, it's a hell of a song choice and his smartest choice ever as a filmmaker.

His funniest moment as a filmmaker?

That comes in Watchmen too in the sex scene soundtracked by Leonard Cohen.

What was it Pedro Almodovar said about superheroes not being horny enough?

Generally speaking, he's correct though. These are very asexual and made for geeks that know what sex is, making the majority of them very boring.

Snyder gave us one of the horniest scenes in the genre and this is why I sort of like Watchmen the movie for being similar in tone to Barbarella, Danger: Diabolik or even James Bond.

Costume parody was an originally intention of Moore's in the comic but Snyder takes it to the next level bordering on total obsession and fetishism. Another amusing aspect is that this is how he falls under the trap of being fascistic again whether he means to or not. My guy was so concerned with costumes it contributed to him losing the overall narrative.

Who else do you know who was obsessive with their uniforms? Bit of trivia for you, for 2001, Kubrick put in these little jokes for himself. For example, he would have the dodgy companies logo show up in the background blurred and it would reference similar real life companies. This level of detail wasn't meant to be captured within the frame and noticed by the audience but due to updated Blu-ray copies, we are now in on the joke too. In years to come, will new technologies reveal the superheroes outfits in Watchmen to be sponsored by Hugo Boss? And with that so begins my linking of Zack Snyder with Nazi filmmaker Leni Riefenstahl.

For some unexplainable reason, Zack Snyder's next project is a kids film about owls. Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole is a real anomaly in his career that many forget exists and since I haven't seen it, we'll move on. After this, we get the even more childish Suckerpunch. Sort of like a video game version of Identity but somehow even dumber. Nazisploitation does feature but mostly in a mindless way. Mostly, we just get girls fighting to God awful Bjork remixes. Nothing much to report politically but it does continue Snyder's fascination with 'cool' over narrative. I'm no expert on video games but I believe the idea is that you work your way up to the boss at the end of each level. Snyder doesn't have the attention span for that and so every second is spent fighting the boss, losing any anticipation and the viewer too.

Right, now we get interesting again. Snyder decides he's hot shit and the next Christopher Nolan as he directs his very own Superman movie, Man of Steel. Weirdly, the best examination I have ever seen of the Superman mythos was in Kill Bill Vol. 2, when the titular Bill mentions Superman differs from most superheroes because Clark Kent is his alter ego to hide his identity and that's his representation of us to fit in: a fundamentally weak but caring man. Since, revealing character through dialogue isn't Snyder's style, he does it through a more preposterous visual means. Man of Steel marks the beginning of his serious focus on posture and poses. As inspiration, he delves in to Greek God mythology. Who else was obsessed with Greek God mythology.

That would be the Nazis! Leni Riefenstahl laid that out explicitly with her Olympia films. Reminiscent of Beau Travail in that they use the body as an avant-garde means of storytelling. Near homoerotically, they compare their characters perfect athletic bodies to that of the Greek Gods. Fascist art focuses on individual beauty and self-attention over collective achievement and driving towards a superior race with a perfect gene pool causing the Greek God imagery to have some significance in their goals.

Leni was a cunt and this is well known but yes in a purely historical/factual sense she did objectively create true fascist art. Claire Denis does it as parody, highlight the fascist, homoerotic and masculine nature of the military. Snyder uses it unironically and cluelessly. On the one hand, I nearly want to champion him because so many of the superhero movies are hopelessly empty and his are at least accidentally interesting showing some influence. Yet, praising fascism as an artistic vision over hollow emptiness sounds kind of stupid when said aloud.

Above all though, it does highlight the shallow nature of our culture.

Is Snyder alone though in his presentation of superheroes as fascist?

Sure, all superhero movies are dodgy to an extent since it’s a capitalist industry and they're the popular genre for Hollywood to reinforce its own politics but are they more inherently right wing and sinister than that?

Wonder Woman was raised by those Amazonians, that's a whole misguided history right there. A classic mistake of pushing feminism but overlooking other political problems. Plus, the sequel Wonder Woman 84 was hilariously Anti-Arab, as though Hollywood finally realised we're sick of Vietnam fetishism and now it's for Reagan's similarly dumb 80s foreign policies. In fact, I damn well nearly enjoyed it as a totally misguided boneheaded patriotism on steroids Rambo 3 type movie.

Black Panther continues to be praised as some kind of progressive classic by the black community but I only see fascism there. And it goes way beyond them being dicks in not sharing their one valuable resource with the rest of the world. Black art used to be highly left wing and revolutionary in the '70s with its desire to stick it the man. Nowadays, it's all about Lion King and Afrofuturism. I'm left confused why they felt the need to become their oppressors to beat them. Anyone who knows their history knows the links between futurism and fascism. As for The Lion King, I don't know what the meaning of all that is meant to be. All I know is that I blame Beyonce and her brand of corporate feminism and black excellence. She's done more harm than good with her influence on the younglings but that's a story for another day.

All along here, I can feel the Zack Snyder defenders, those nerds howling at my door, wanting to point out that that he is a VISUAL STORYTELLER. But this is in fact not true. Oh he's certainly visual alright but his visuals do not tell a story. A story is told through a progression of images. Snyder tends to focus on a single image (often referencing an iconic fascist concept) and does very little to expand on the idea being presented. Say a narrative journey is A to B, we have A but no B, hence no story. Moreover, his single image usually impacts the story in a completely negative manner not aiding but corrupting the narrative. Look at Watchmen again, for example why do we sympathise with Rorschach over his violent retributions and death when he is meant to be a fascist? Why does fascism win over Moore's anarchy?

Why is Superman some kind of Übermensch fascist Greek God when he's supposed to be a hero? With regards to Superman and all superheroes, maybe they are all inherently fascist if this is what so many of them deride from but this isn't the point Snyder is making. He wants us to worship these people as heroes. He's not challenging us to view their flawed history. He's just some moron obsessed with the inherent coolness of warrior classes and races without the ability to make the fascist link. If he was such a visual storyteller, he'd be making more movies like The Conformist and less like Triumph of the Will. That is to say he would use the nazi art and imagery to suggest why individuals would be drawn to fascism, rather than having his supposedly good characters turn out to simply be fascists. He'd be subverting it, rather than accidentally endorsing it.

After Man of Steel, Snyder doesn't develop his work much further past what we already know, only taking his obsession with posture and poses to the extreme resulting in some extremely overly long and dull movies like Justice League and Batman Vs Superman. Increasingly, he damages the narratives of his film for his obsessions (fascist art, Greek God Mythology, costumes, edgy violence, posture and poses), making him possibly some kind of artist, if not a very good one. I'll spare going in to further details because think this rant has by now covered my criticisms and fascinations with the man.

Finally, having covered his entire career pretty much, let's get to his latest, Rebel Moon Part One: Child of Fire. As you could have predicted, it's terrible. Unfortunately though, it's also boring. A common problem of his work that has come in to play post2010. I guess the prevailing issue is his obsessions have corrupted his narratives to the point they're too long and since he's not really expanded on his obsessions for a while now, it's also just pointless and doesn't justify it for the lengths. His material hasn't changed and he's not doing anything to grip you with it to warrant the hit on the expanded run times. The extended lengths suggest a passion but he has once again failed to get you on board with his passions.

It's so funny that he hasn't got his little panels to copy across today so he's beat for beat just copied Seven Samurai in space. The guy couldn't come up with an original story if you put a gun to his head. Anyway, Mr Lucas already put Kurosawa in space using The Hidden Fortress and it was far less derivative. Rebel Moon is comparable in experience to Suckerpunch in being the kind fascinating exercise that exposes the mind of a teenager in an adults body, allowing one to further understand the very concept of a man child.

Numerous edgy fight scenes almost qualify him for dudes rock status but all the uninspired talky scenes (that he puts not effort in to) in between make you want to catch some serious zzzs, if you catch my drift. This is exactly what hindered Army of the Dead and stopped it becoming one of his best movies. Batista does his best, Elvis never fails but still, it's a boring clunky narrative. Dropping the age rating of Rebel Moon to a PG 13 was not wise either considering Snyder's known for those daft bone crunching fight scenes made to get teenagers wet. Also, what's up with Zack's team saying the R-Rated cut is like nothing you've ever seen, it's R-Rated, grow up!

Above all, what disappoints me most with Rebel Moon is that Snyder's dodgy fascist imagery is no longer sexy. Normally, he does have that strange sexiness to the costumes and that borders on being Tinto Brass and his outrageously absurd Nazisploitation sex films but I can't even praise that here. He's put very little time in to the Lycra and spandex and instead he's got the AI assisting him now to make his fascist imagery. Not on my watch! Both ugly and cheating. I have no respect for it at all. Stop messing about lad, if you're gonna be such a moronic fascist fuckhead just get the Leonard Cohen on, suit up your cast in Lycra and have everyone fuck each other. I can deal with that. But the AI fascist imagery, that's minimal effort I won't abide. It's got to go.

After such an abysmal run of films over the last two decades, my advice to Zack would be if he really want to go all sci fi western wuxia whatever and show his love for Star Wars, he should do Starship Troopers as his next derivative project. Heinlein's novel has all the fascist elements he could really fuck up and accidentally do something interesting with. Even here the best thing he can offer is rows and tows of soldiers and Ed Skrein being the nazi looking type. Imagine your one greatest talent actually being replicating potentially fascist art, there's something really funny about that and it's kind of sad though as that's where it ends in the case of Rebel Moon cause there's nothing funny about this movie, it's one of the most tiring ways to spend 135 precious minutes. One of the most soulless and unoriginal things I've ever seen. It's kind of fun to check in on the village idiot from time to time but for his standards of stupidity consider me let down. This is lifeless. A real disappointment even for the clueless fuckhead himself. Cheers, Zack.

Sorry it's taken 3 months to produce a single issue but life's been very different for Mr Funeralopolis. I've often written about Miami Vice as being my personal relatable metaphor for the role of an artist, mainly in the detachment and the voyeurism but for the first time in my life I feel wholly engaged in everything I am undertaking in. Enjoying rather than observing. As though on the pitch rather than watching from the sidelines. The sting is over, this time it's for real.

Consequently, it's been difficult to take the time out and so I've mainly been riding out the experiences as they come. Enough's enough though, we must get back to work and the quality must remain the same level if not improve issue by issue. How the recent changes will affect the writing style, we'll have to see. Will I be less observant to some things? More observant to others? All I can do is embrace where things are at now and continue to write about what is happening around me. It's been my intention or rather goal, more so with each passing issue, to inject my consciousness into every review in a way that hasn't been done before to really address how films are received and their place within culture. To expand the form of the review from its still relative infancy. Therefore, I must continue to do this. To do anything else, like pretend things are still how they were would be false. To write as I was for the majority of Volume 2 would be a lie. I'm in a different place and have to accept it. My only hope is my writing doesn't grow sloppy, careless or susceptible in a bad way. Cause I'd really fucking hate that.

About the best place to start our final story of volume 3 issue 1 is with a follow up to The Happening. Right where volume 2 left off. I no longer felt the story was accurate and maybe I never fully believed in it but just wanted to. That was not the end of the story. I couldn't leave it alone. There was more to come. Sometimes, the tables turn and things go the other way. Hence, why I had to revisit my little space western and this time show the return leg.

It comes out of many late nights (or rather early mornings depending on your perspective) of listening to Leonard Cohen. When the resisting of physical intimacy for misguided notions of the platonic kind just came too much to bear. But we tried Goddammit. We tried. And as the finest songwriter of all time once said when asked why he never proposed to an important woman in his life, "fear and cowardice", there may be some of that in this story...

"Just a little lower, Jerry. Just a little lower, that'll do Jerry". A completely wired and caffeinated journalist sits in the cock pit of a local lunatics helicopter. He bellows out instructions, he's used to telling people what he wants to do. "Hi, I'm Robbie Logan, host of Nevada News, coming to you live from Amargosa Valley, where moments ago an unidentified vehicle is said to have escaped from Area 51. Leaving local law enforcement aggressively on the pursuit. Are we dealing with a disgruntled employee, an experiment gone rogue or something much more shocking... An escaped extraterrestrial? We will have more as it comes"

"There they are down there, get me closer, Jerry", says a frantically pointing Robbie Logan as he demands his pilot drop down to join the chase taking place on the road below them. "We've caught up now with the chase, which is believed to have been going on for the last 18 minutes across this long and winding highway. Where the owner of the strange vehicle is heading we do not know. Who the driver is we don't know. We haven't managed to get a good look at who's sat behind the wheel but my contacts on the ground inform me he is wearing some kind of mask or helmet concealing his identity. Could this be the new Stig? The emergence of a new anonymous celebrity and antihero the public can really root for?"

"As our unknown driver approaches the blockade, he's showing no signs of slowing down. He's going to ram them! Oh I've never seen anything like that. The vehicle he's driving must be from the future. Any cop cars that come near it seem to slide off with the thin design. It's tipping every car in front of it over. The law is not prepared for this. That's not a car. That's like a tent on wheels. They're calling it the slicer. Ford, Ferrari, if you're watching that's what kind of cars we need in this world. I just know every car manufacturer in the world is watching this right now and taking notes. The message is clear. Make that car and you will conquer the future. At the first hurdle it's mysterious driver 1-0 cops".

She's as beautiful as a foot She's as beautiful as a foot She heard someone say the other day. Didn't believe it when he bit into her face. Didn't believe it when he bit into her face. It tasted just like a fallen arch. She's as beautiful as a foot She's as beautiful as a foot. She heard someone say the other day. Don't put your tongue on the bloody tooth mark place. Don't put your tongue on the bloody tooth mark place. Her face changing now, a Guernsey cow. She's as beautiful, oh so beautiful, beautiful as a foot. She's as beautiful, oh so beautiful, beautiful as a foot. She's as beautiful, oh so beautiful, beautiful as a foot. She's as beautiful, oh so beautiful, beautiful as a foot. She heard someone say (she heard someone say) The other (day).

"Robbie Logan reporting to you live from just outside of Benton. The chase continues on, we're now well over an hour into the chase. We're going to take a break from it so we can take you back to how to this all began. We've got Charlie Dunway down on the ground by Area 51, who has been invited on to the site to give us unprecedented access by an at this time unnamed scientist. Charlie, take it away"

"Charlie Dunway, reporting to you live from Area 51. Always wanted to say that" "Stay professional, Charlie" "Yes, Robbie. But here we are. As you can see behind me, plenty of damage has been done to the site, leaving many scientists baffled as to how this could have happened. I will soon be interviewing one of those scientists to get the full scoop. For now I want to focus on the damage. At about 9.22 this morning, the unknown driver crawled through this shoot here, forced his way out using some kind of laser based weapon and then made his way into this, I think I'm going to call it a car park, hijacked the vehicle now being called the slicer. So many vehicles out here to choose from. Why do you think he chose the slicer? Oh no I've just locked eyes with a man in the suit in the car park. I'm not really supposed to be here. I'm going to go hide. We'll pick this up later"

"You're back with Robbie Logan and we're still on this beast's tail. The time is now coming up to half 12. The cops are edged back about 30 yards behind. They're scared to get in close. They're worried The Slicer will flip them. You heard me, flip them. So they're keeping their distance. I haven't seen anything like this since OJ Simpson. All eyes on what is happening right now. We're all involved in this chase. No idea where the unknown driver is heading but we're all just following him. Jerry, you're playing music. What song is this?". "Pearl of the Quarter, Steely Dan". "Jerry, are you high right now?". "I walked alone down The Miracle Mile I met my baby by the shrine of the martyr She stole my heart with her Cajun smile Singing, "voulez-voulez-voulez-vous". "Dammit Jerry, just keep control of the plane. This is Robbie Logan somewhere around Yosemite National Park just trying to stay airborne. We may need a new pilot..."

"Ok, so you're back with Robbie Logan and we have a brand new pilot, his name is Eric, everyone say Hi Eric. We got a wave. Let's hope this one isn't a no good Jackass like the last one. It seems that unknown driver of ours has got him some fans. Just up ahead there's some large crowds gathered ready to say hello. I don't know how they're so sure he's an ally but we're all intrigued who he is and what he's about nonetheless. We've got Danny Ingram down below who's been asking the spectators some questions and doing a sort of tally on the identity of the driver"

"We're going to bring up that tally now. Right at the top at 2:1 we've got a disgruntled Edward Snowden/Julian Assange type Area 51 employee. Yes, a whistleblower, that seems reasonable. At 3:1, we have a real life alien, well if they'd come from anywhere it would be there so let's not rule that out. At 4:1 we have rapper/producer Kanye West, not sure what that's about but ok. At 5:1 we've got Banksy or Dynamo doing a public stunt. At 6:1 we have Jesus back from the Dead. At 7:1 it's a crazy Marxist making a political statement. At 8:1 we have a closeted homosexual breaking free."

"At 9:1, another one I can't explain but we've got down Joe Rogan, Alex Jones or David Icke. I guess that means some sort of right wing podcaster, right? At 10:1 one of the founding fathers, come to reclaim this land. At 11:1 and this has to be a joke but we've somehow got Hitler on here. Somehow undead from world war 2, ready to meet his old unit at Reno at a secret nazi base and build another concentration camp. I mean that's a long shot but stranger things have happened. Get your bets in. Some serious money to be made here. Oh and I hear Danny Ingram is live from the scene now conducting interviews with the spectators down below"

"Danny Ingram here and I'm with the many spectators gathered today to support our unnamed driver. The Pixies hit from Bossanova, "All Over the World", has been playing on repeat. Record high temperatures are being felt and many are taking full advantage of the situation with picnics and blankets. I just saw one guy stuff an entire hot dog down his throat, then chug on a full can of beer and scream "For the unknown driver!". Everyone is here in peace and high celebrations. All different cultures united over a high speed pursuit across the country. America always loved a car chase. Will this event be what Ken Kesey thought acid could do for the world when he invited a bunch of Hells Angels and hippies to a gathering? The party is going strong and shows no signs of stopping".

"We're going bring you in close and try to get a hold of just who may be behind the wheel. Ok, you seem like as good a place to start as any. Who is driving that vehicle?". "Well, clearly we're dealing with a dissatisfied employee over at area 51. The sites always been known for its secrets and perhaps this was deemed by our unknown driver to be one that couldn't be kept. One that the public deserved to know and so this battle for information wages on". "Does the public have a right to know this information? Should certain information deemed harmful be kept from them?" "A government serves its people right? They should be acting within our interests. Not hiding back in the shadows making decisions that will later be deemed unconstitutional and even illegal. Whatever decisions they make, they make on behalf of me, supposedly, so I want to know what these decisions are. We're responsible for it. It's always the US citizens that have to deal with the mess".

"What about if they're operating under what they consider national security?". "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah".

"okay, so we're away from whoever that mad man was. Hopefully this person can provide us with some better answers. Who is in that car and where are they going?". "Well I can't answer where they're going but I can tell you who is behind the wheel. It's Banksy. Our friend from over the pond. He's made it big and now he's on his US tour". "I'm not really familiar with his work but doesn't he draw like pictures". "He's a master prankster and this is his masterpiece". "A masterpiece in what exactly?". "It's performance art. And this could be the finest joke since Orson Welles jumped on the radio and said Aliens were coming. It's Blair Witch 2.0 and once again we're the fools". "What's the point being made?". "Err maybe something to do with modes of manufacture, realism against the prospect of simulation, the nature of God and science. I don't know. No. Actually can I start that again? The point is there is no point. The point is fuck you!".

"Ah, now this is seems a respectable gentlemen. A boy in blue waving his blue rights sign. What's this got to do with blue rights, officer?". "I have always believed in military and law. It's the only way we establish order in this country. Now you may think I should be against this unknown driver given he's now got the national guard on his ass. But this is bigger than that. Every now and then something really ugly happens in this country like Rodney King or George Floyd. And it puts a real stain on this police force. A police force that I firmly believe in. I genuinely believe this is a force for good with a few rotten eggs in the basket. It's a basket that we must clean out from time to time. That's all the unknown driver represents is a counterforce working from within. His mission is to weed out the bad cops, to challenge the standards of policing in this country and I believe in America, I believe we will pull through. And once he's completed his mission we will all go back to our lives again and they will be better. A more efficient military, a more just nation".

"Time for the Jesus freaks. Let's hear from them. Father, why is this Jesus himself?". "We all know Jesus is the son of God, the bridge between us and the divine. And when that bridge is in threat of being destroyed, he must send down Jesus. He is the key to our salvation". "And why is now the time to bring him back?". "That's simple really. The franchise is failing and it needs it's biggest star back. Standards are falling. You can't see it all around us. We've forgotten how to help our neighbour. How to turn the other cheek. Degeneracy and public indecency is on the rise. It pains me to say it but the Devil is winning. This isn't something new. This is something we've seen before. This is the modern day Noah's Ark. An unknown driver, riding across the country in the slicer washing us all in God's good grace. They're going to write about this in the next bible".

"Moving on now to the queers, who have claimed him as one of their own. They wear T shirts reading: "I <3 the unknown driver". Tell me, why is the unknown driver gay now?". "Because all we know of them is that they are on the run from the law. As a gay man, I have always been persecuted by the law for my orientation. Since this is all we know about our driver then they are a stripped back story of gay struggle throughout time. With each new state he travels to he brings hope of peace, prosperity and progression. I wish more people were like them". "And what gender does the unknown driver identity as?". "That's why they wear a mask. They're a non-binary icon. I wish he was a man so I could suck his balls like a wired up rottweiler while he changes gears but alas they are non-binary. But on the off chance they are attracted to hot and sexy males like myself, they should call me". "And who is it they should call?". "Fernando!".

"I'm being told, people want more information on why this could be Kanye West. I've found a superfan here who thinks she has the answers. Why is Kanye West behind that wheel?". "Cause he's got a new album out clearly! He's got to promote it somehow doesn't he? And in this age of crazy promotions, it only comes more of absurd. He's got to come up with something and he's competing with the likes of Frank Ocean who spent an entire day cutting wood. Do you know how hard it is to promote an album these days? You can't just dress up like you're from Outer space any more. You've got to do something outrageous. Like really go out the box. He's insulted the Jews and he's destroyed half his contacts in the music industry. He's got to do something really outrageous this time". "And what is the meaning behind this act?". "Who can speak the mind of Kanye. Just Kanye isn't it? Whatever he's doing makes sense to him right now and eventually, if we're good, it may make sense to us".

"I've just seen an Icke was right sign, I must be by the right wing podcasters territory. Hello there sir, could you inform us why David Icke has his hands all over this one?". "He wanted proof that the reptilian overlords were controlling this world and it looks like he got it". "This drivers been pulling some solid moves out there. Could it not be Alonso or Lewis Hamilton?". "Wake up, brother. Even Icke has his limits. That's the vehicle. It's some sort of alien technology that we're not prepared for". "And whys David Icke heading up to Reno?". "That's a secret, I can't fully tell you. But we may have some of our own posted up there ready to make a hand off". "A hand off? Of what?". "A weapon or device, that's going to make us all see, it'll lift the human layers off the reptilians so we can see what these ugly fuckers really are. We're gonna strip the bastards naked". "and what's next after that?". "Next we take the moon!"

"So now I've caught up with a gang of Marxists all here waving communist flags and bearing hammer and sickles. Look at them trying to be all threatening. Alright, let's hear what these nutcases have to say. Starting to get the impression there is no normal people here, just maniacs. This unnamed driver could be be bringing out the worst in us. But let's hope here to prove me wrong, the Marxists..."."We do not know who is driving that car but we are pretty sure he's a Marxist". "How can you be sure he is a Marxist?". "Anyway you look at it, he's a Marxist. Either he's a radical gone rogue against this corrupt government of ours, that we loathe, and we salute him. And that's whether he's an alien or disgruntled worker, we salute him. We stand with any of our brothers opposed to this imperialist US government. Whether that be Hamas or the IRA, we support them". "What if the unknown driver turns out to be terrorist looking to threaten this country?". "Then we say good on them. There's a power struggle being fought out here between two classes, the rich and the poor, if you want to break down the elites a little using some secret Alien technology then good. But either way this is it. This is the revolution. Can't you see the revolution is happening before your eyes? Out here on our own soil. The moment the unknown driver broke our of Area 51 it triggered a class war. Yes, there's going to be a war and you will have to decide whether you stand with the people or against them. We've analysed every possibility here and have come to the conclusion the unknown driver stands with us and we will do all we can to protect him".

"Oh God and it's turned in to absolute chaos down here. Shots are being fired, bodies are falling and those left standing are running for their lives. All this stemmed from a pinko blowing away a cop point blank. The cops dead. Many are dead. Now it's every community against each other. I stand with noone. I'm getting out of here. As fast as I can. Back to you Robbie Logan, wherever you are".

"Ladies and gentlemen it's Robbie Logan here and I've got a beer. I've been playing Bob Dylan's I Want You on repeat for the last 20 minutes. We've lightened up a bit up here haven't we Eric. Just two dudes in the sky sharing a couple of beers. You see, I've finally realised I've been looking at this situation all wrong. I've been trying to be a passive impartial observer, you can't be a passive impartial observer under these circumstances. I still have a role to play in this grand event. After great thought I've decided this is all a new movie being made by the great HB Halicki. Our unknown driver, he's the star, I'm the buddy. The eyes in the sky. At some point my buddy is going to need me, I don't know when and I don't know how but when that comes I will swoop down and protect my buddy. He's now approaching Reno. Fucking hell, get that R.E.M song All the way to Reno on and get me closer to my buddy. You know who you areeeee, you're gonna be a star!".

"This is literally unfathomable but right now we are hovering only a few centimetres above the slicer. Eric's going to try and get us lower so we can see if the unknown driver speaks. Big moment in history this people. I'm going to reach out and tap on his window, I'm going to motion for him to roll his down and hopefully I'm going to see if we can have a conversation. Ok, here goes. He understands the gesture! We could be in here. And he's rolling down his window. Huge moment this. Colossal. There you are Mr unnamed driver, the man of the hour. So many questions I could ask you right now. I'll begin with why? Why do you keep driving on? Why all this? Why?". "Fear and cowardice". "He speaks! He speaks! That's it. That's all he's saying to us. He's rolled up his window. We don't know who or what he is as of yet. But we know he's driven by fear and cowardice".

"Leonard Cohen's In My Secret Life is playing across every radio station in the country. Candles fill the pavements. It is night time and still the unknown driver rides on. Support continues to rise. T-shirts and banners read, "Fear and Cowardice Tour". This event has a name now and everybody feels just a little bit safer. We've written out asking if you've ever been affected by "Fear and Cowardice" to get in touch. Larry from Los Angeles says, "there was a time when this country was impacted by fear and loathing. Now it's fear and cowardice that really speaks to the American people. Hate has been replaced by timidity. The 21st century is characterised by sheer gutlessness. A generation of wimps. Who quiver at the thought of true interaction. But it's not too difficult to understand and could be the only valid and mature response. How can one feel hate when they embrace how ineffectual they are with the problems of today? Anxiety is only natural". Larry, you may have a point here. I don't think I'm alone in saying the unknown driver is drawing our attention to the problems in our society and we're happy he's out there just doing his thing".

"Good Morning and it's a fine one at that. Rise and shine. It's a brand new day and the unknown driver is making us all that much happier to be alive with his brave act. I've got my coffee and that's Canned Heats Going Up The Country playing behind me. Eric's still at the controls. According to the map, we appear to be heading up towards Portland. Rumour is the national guard have been called in. They're going to try another blockade. The last one didn't go so well but it looks like they've learnt their lesson and are going to up the firepower this time out. Naturally, we're going to keep up with everything that happens as it happens"

"And it's utter chaos down there. Rockets are being fired into the dirt. Machine guns unleashing round after round. The road is lit with fire. The skies filled with smoke. We're sat here watching from above with Can's Mother Sky pumping out the speakers. Not since John Rambo has this area seen such a bloodbath at the hands of one individual. Not that we can blame the unknown driver for this. The national guard drew first blood, he's merely defending himself. They fired at him and found out the slicer has a few weapons of its own. Still, I don't know how much more of this our new favourite automobile can take. He appears to be slowing down. He must be taking some serious damage out there. I believe he's come to a stop. Is this the end of the line? No, no, he dodges another missile from uncle Sam's tanks and continues his battle with the man! What is keeping this guy up? An unprecedent level of resilience. This is going to be studied for years to come"

"The unknown driver is continuing to take heavy fire here. Are we witnessing the end of a dream? Millions watching in anticipation. Can he pull through? The slicers come to a full stop. The national guard has stopped too. There's a cease fire. What's going on down there? How much further does he need to go? What can we do to help him? One more missile could just penetrate the protective outer layer. Let's go through the facts, we know it's designed to flip vehicles it rams in to, we know it has a condom like protective outer layer, we know it can shoot out laser beams. If it has any more moves, any more tricks in it that vehicle, now is the time we need to see them. The unknown driver needs help. I don't know how. I don't know where he's going to get it from but he needs it now or we can all pack our bags and go home. Someone needs to do something. Oh fuck it, my buddy needs me. HB Halicki I hope your shot is ready, lower the heli Eric, I'm going in"

"Eric's getting in low. I'm suspended in mid-air. I'm holding on to the metal beam with one arm and holding the microphone in the other. This is Robbie Logan reporting to you live from the landing gear. We're going to try and rescue our man. The slicer door has opened. We can't let the unknown driver surrender. Eric is going to pull in front of the vehicle. The national guard isn't going to fire at news reporter. Otherwise they'll see me in court. I'll fucking sue their ass from the grave. I'm going to switch over the microphone to my other hand and use the other to grab the unknown driver. Ok, here goes nothing.

I'm stretching my hand out. The unknown driver has his out too. I'm reaching for it now. I've got him!

I've got him! He's given me a nod. Either to say thanks or that he's secure but either way we've pulled him out from the slicer and he's climbing in to the helicopter. A reminder that if any of the national guard try to attack us, this is a kidnapping not a rescue. The unknown driver now has a gun to my head and has seized the heli. He's asking the national guard keep their distance and do not follow. Do not fire. I repeat do not fire".

"Robbie Logan here now safely back in the cockpit having been kidnapped, definitely kidnapped, by the unknown driver. This is not a rescue mission. But the unknown driver says he won't hurt us if we follow his instructions.

So far he's given us a location where he wants to be taken and he's requested we play Gram Parsons Love Hurts. He's currently sat hunched over in the corner not talking to anyone. That helmet still conceals his face. But if we could see his face, I wonder what emotions he must be feeling right now. Mr Unknown driver, so what does fear and cowardice mean?"

"He's left me in suspense. He refuses to answer. He's keeping his cards close to his chest. We're getting close to the location he's pointed out on the map. It appears to be a ranch in the middle of nowhere. Obviously to keep him safe from the authorities, we can't reveal any more than that. Not exactly sure what business he's got going on down here. A place to lay low? A contact that will sneak him out the country? Your guess is as good as mine. We're lowering him down now. We are grounded, we are grounded. The unknown driver is stepping off the helicopter. The door is opening on the house up ahead. We can see a man and then a woman a few yards behind him. The woman appears to have a few children gathered round her. The man has turned back round to speak to the woman. She's taken the children inside with her and the man is walking towards us to greet the unknown driver. He's unarmed and does not appear to be hostile".

"Ladies and gentlemen, the unknown driver is reaching towards his head. The helmet is coming off. The helmet is coming off. We are about to reveal the identity of the unknown driver once and for all. My God, it's not a human face but it is one we've seen before. It's one of the aliens that came down to visit us for the happening. We always wondered whether they'd be back after their fleeting visit. It appears to be the ring leader of the three. He advised us to keep our distance but we're going to try and pick up as much of the conversation as we can".

"Ok, so here goes. The alien is saying he met the man once before many years ago. The man is nodding, he recalls their encounter. And judging by his face, he recalls it positively. The man is now asking why the alien has come back to visit him. According to the alien, he wanted to pay back the honour. He's now asking for the man's name. The man's name is Pike. Pike is now asking for the aliens name. The aliens name is Zu Lomy. Pike wants to know what the aliens been doing all these years since their initial meeting. Zu Lomy says after his initial meeting he was imprisoned and tortured at area 51 with his wife and colleague. Pike asks how that's possible, he saw them take to the skies and leave"

"Zu Lomy says their ship took off and then was blasted down. He says only in America could one be given Times Man of the Year then shot down, imprisoned and tortured all within the same day. Another backwards apology he says like JFKs name being leant to space centre in Florida. Pike is asking what happened to Zu Lomys wife and colleague. Dead, they both died at Area 51 following years of abuse and torture. Pike looks shocked to hear this. He apologises on behalf of his country. Zu Lomy wants to know what Pike has been up to all these years since their first encounter by the desert. Much more positive. After needing some time to figure things out, Pike ended up settling down with Laura, they spent some time in LA making music together then moved over to the ranch, where they've been for decades now. Pike is informing Zu Lomy there was many people in Vegas that day, how come the alien has chosen to visit him? Zu Lomy is hesitating, looking for answer. He says he doesn't know... Maybe to be reminded of something or other. Pike hopes its something good"

"What's that sound? I can hear cars coming. Our location appears to have been compromised. The national guard have found us. Pike tosses Zu Lomy his keys. We've got a getaway vehicle. Oh, I'm not invited on this one. He's going at it alone. Zu Lomy shakes hands with Pike and sprints over to the vehicle. He pulls the door open and slips in to the driver's seat. He's rooting through Pikes music collection looking for the right song. How much time does he think has? The national guard are closing in. He's got it. He's got the song ready. I can hear Depeche Mode's Home playing through car speakers. And he's off. A head start on the chase but only a small one. Where will he go from here? Will he find what he's looking for?

Robbie Logan bringing you perhaps the last footage we'll ever see of the alien known as Zu Lomy. I can see him now as just a dot on the horizon. Going... going... gone"

Rebel Moon Part 1: Child of Fire: Overall Rating: 0.5/5