He's Got a Ticket To Ride

This week we interview a mysterious guest about Jean-Francois Richet's Plane. He goes by the codename: Sheldon Coltrane. Here's what we do know, he's ex-military, having fought in the Gulf War and Desert storm. These days he finds freelance work across the globe and occasionally serves as a consultant in Hollywood. So if you need protection or insider knowledge for a realistic movie scene, he's the man you call. Above all, he loves movies.

Kelly: Sheldon Coltrane. Great to have you here, speaking with Funeralopolis. Just so you know my internet is terrible. So if the call drops, don't think I've abandoned you. Although, I'm sure you're used to the horrors of radio silence.

Sheldon Coltrane: There have been a few occasions when the comms have dropped. It's like playing Chess blindfolded. You just have to memorise the board and also hope for the best. Good to be here though. Any opportunity to talk movies.

Kelly: We certainly love that here. Today, I want to discuss the new film Plane. A mid-budget January programmer that does the impossible. Delivers. So, we got a new action hero in Captain Brodie Torrance. As I like to say in these scenarios, GET THE BIG GUN BLARING! He's on some they're his passengers and he will get them back type business. What do you think of him?

Sheldon Coltrane: He was good. But I was waiting for him to go full Gerard Butler. This was more like Butler on easy mode. I was waiting for Olympus to fall.

Kelly: I know you. You were wanting some Steven Segal Under Siege shit weren't you?

Sheldon Coltrane: Of course, I love Casey Ryback.

Sheldon Coltrane: Seen it many times the old chef with a past routine. You put an action star in the kitchen you just know, they've got a few undisclosed abilities.

Kelly: Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragons.

Sheldon Coltrane: "Behind the rock in the dark probably hides a tiger and the coiling giant root resembles a crouching tiger".

Kelly: That's the one.

Sheldon Coltrane: Really wanted our friend Captain Torrance to do for pilots what Casey Ryback did for chefs.

Kelly: They half suggested it for a second. Remember with the viral videos of him punching that guy on a previous flight.

Sheldon Coltrane: Yeah, that was the moment to stick it in. That was the moment.

Kelly: Definitely the place for it. Smoother than Butler trying to chew his way round that exposition in Act One when he first meets the copilot.

Sheldon Coltrane: I've seen sketchier pipe laying in my time.

Kelly: It's funny, even when we're not dealing with the ill-disciplined cop, they gotta make him a badass rogue somehow. Dudes a fucking pilot and they gotta give him a sketchy record.

Sheldon Coltrane: You can't beat the suspended cop.

Kelly: You really can't.

Sheldon Coltrane: And if he drinks too. That's the goldmine.

Kelly: The big sweep. Do you find a lot of suspended cops/dishonourable discharges in the mercenary work?

Sheldon Coltrane: Ah the DDs. Often yes because they've got skills they're not able to use in normal society. May as well get paid for them somewhere. Problem is if they start pulling shit like that in the field, they don't last long cause noone will want to work with them and so they don't get too many jobs. Works for some. Not others.

Kelly: I think Captain Brodies more the type who just gets shit done. Not the hardest type but unquestionably a man of bravery.

Sheldon Coltrane: Yeah, not too tough physically but morally balanced. I like having people like him around. Tough guys aren't always smart and need a lot of persuasion to do something. They're not prepared to dive in out of a desire for justice or morality. Someone like Brodie will just do it cause it's right. He's a rare breed. Most of the time it's like that quote from The Spy Who Came in from the Cold. "What the hell do you think spies are? Moral philosophers measuring everything they do against the word of God or Karl Marx? They're not! They're just a bunch of seedy, squalid bastards like me. Little men. Drunkards. Queers. Hen-pecked husbands. Civil servants playing cowboys and Indians brighten their rotten little lives. Do you think they sit like monks in a cell, balancing right against wrong". Luckily, they invented money. You dangle that in front of the tough guys and there's nothing they won't do.

Kelly: What did you make of Louis Gaspare? I bet you liked him.

Sheldon Coltrane: Of course.

Kelly: Don't fucking down play it. Bet the minute you saw that Legionnaire symbol, you were rubbing your hands together.

Sheldon Coltrane: The cookie jar had been opened.

Kelly: Hehehe. What is like the British equivalent of the Legionnaires by the way?

Sheldon Coltrane: Oh I'd have to go with the paratroopers.

Kelly: So what we're talking about is no nonsense?

Sheldon Coltrane: Absolutely none.

Kelly: You've just reminded me of that bit when Gaspare's sneaking round the village taking the terrorists out with a hammer. Gnarly.

Sheldon Coltrane: That is true to form French Foreign Legion. Vintage. Nothing pretty. A lot of them are like Gaspare. Their legal system gives them a second chance by letting them enlist instead of jail time. You just give them the tools. Barbaric tools. They go in, front line and just get the job done. Real primitive shit.

Kelly: Strangely enough, how I approach reviewing.

Sheldon Coltrane: Rambo Reviewing?

Kelly: As Roy Orbison once said, 'You got it'. I don't walk to the cinema. They fly me in with Ride of the Valkyries blaring and hand me nothing but a couple of bottles of the good stuff and say get us the intel.

Sheldon Coltrane: I love the smell of cinema in the morning.

Kelly: He's only gone and got it again. Need to read up more on these legionnaires. My whole understanding of them is based on the Jean Claude Van Damme movie Legionnaire. Were you a fan of that?

Sheldon Coltrane: At the time these were all my favourite movies. They seem a bit cheesy and dated by today's standards. I like where we're going now. Sicario and that. Real menacing stuff. But obviously you can't attack JCVD.

Kelly: He's the legionnaire God dammit!

Sheldon Coltrane: He is.

Kelly: I get what you're saying. The more serious stuff is 50/50 on me. Sometimes it just means bland instead of fun. Can't ironically like them.

Sheldon Coltrane: What?

Kelly: What I do like with the newer stuff though is the use of digital. Testing out the limits there. Finding new kinds of shots with the cameras available. Plane has that amazing one take when Gerard gets him his first pirate. Not even a fight. Just an extended brawl. But I'm talking about Michael Mann. Michael Bay. Visual stylists like the Scott Brothers changing the look of movies. Even older auteurs like Schrader, DePalma and Ferrara have all dabbled.

Sheldon Coltrane: I don't follow that side too closely. But I like those movies. 13 Hours. Blackhat. Black Hawk Down. All good.

Kelly: What is it you watch them for?

Sheldon Coltrane: I like the authenticity. The small character details. When someone's clearly done the research on the performance. Rather than some joker with a gun. Sometimes I look at these people and I'm like he's never fired a gun! He's not seen combat! He wasn't there when it all went down!

Kelly: I see. And this stuff takes you out the picture?

Sheldon Coltrane: Definitely.

Kelly: You said you like your JCVD back in the day. Did you follow the Cannon movies?

Sheldon Coltrane: I got a whole bunch of these on video that I can't seem to throw out. Don't know what to do with them. It be like saying goodbye to an important part of your life. No-one wants to do that.

Kelly: They don't.

Sheldon Coltrane: During the '80s my life was basically wherever they stationed me but I'd always sneak off to the local cinema to catch the latest Stallone or Schwarzenegger, when I could. Everyone loved Commando. They wanted to be like John Matrix. That was the model. Then in the '90s, I started picking these all up abroad on video on the cheap. Just can't seem to get rid of them.

Sheldon Coltrane: I watched Delta Force a lot and Invasion USA. The Cannon stuff was pretty wild. Maybe it would have to be Cobra

Kelly: I love Cobra. That was like the '80s response to Dirty Harry

Sheldon Coltrane: If you go back and watch it, it's more like a horror movie.

Kelly: I know. As soon as I hear Stallone in that gruff voice narrating, "In America, there is a burglary every 11 seconds, an armed robbery every 65 seconds, a violent crime every 25 seconds, a murder every 24 minutes and 250 rapes a day", I'm in the fucking zone. You don't get shit like that every day.

Sheldon Coltrane: Did start upping my toothpick quota after that film. My girlfriend at the time was like can you please stop spending our already limited money on toothpicks. It's not a necessity on our bills. We were living off my government wage and that isn't very high.

Kelly: They should factor that in to your wage. Like government funded toothpicks.

Sheldon Coltrane: I know right.

Kelly: You know Ryan Gosling said for Drive he got the toothpick's idea from Cobra.

Sheldon Coltrane: Wouldn't surprise me.

Kelly: Everything good comes from Cobra. You know that Mandy film?

Sheldon Coltrane: I don't watch too much horror.

Kelly: Well that's the Cobra guy's son.

Sheldon Coltrane: Is it? That makes sense.

Kelly: I know. I love what Cosmatos did on Rambo 2. He shoots it so psychedelic.

Sheldon Coltrane: Now that you mention it, he kind of does. You got a favourite Cannon?

Kelly: For action? Runaway Train.

Sheldon Coltrane: I forget that was Cannon.

Kelly: Easily done. I thought Plane was very Cannon.

Sheldon Coltrane: Very old school. But like modernised for today, which was cool. I get what you mean though. It's there. But if it was really Cannon it would have to be a lot more over the top. They'd have to multiply the number of pirates and have Butler firing from the hip, wiping them down without even bothering to aim. Plus it be shot on the streets of New York or something. Same plot but just to save production costs. I'd say it was more Assault on Precinct 13.

Kelly: With the buddy dynamic between cop and criminal? Except this time it's pilot/criminal. Interesting that you mention it cause the director did that Assault on Precinct 13 remake, so he's clearly interested in that.

Sheldon Coltrane: Ah, did he?

Kelly: Do you care much for it?

Sheldon Coltrane: I mean there's no beating Carpenter but as a kind of late night action movie you could do worse.

Kelly: Couldn't have put it better myself. Not too long ago this Richet Plane director did another action movie with Mel Gibson. Blood Father

Sheldon Coltrane: Mad Max himself.

Kelly: Indeed. I just love an unhinged Mel.

Sheldon Coltrane: He was very unhinged in that.

Kelly: Off the charts. He's got that new movie out called On the Line. I haven't seen it yet but all I can think is this dudes never been on the line. He's always firmly over it.

Sheldon Coltrane: He's that Madness song. One Step Beyond

Kelly: Screw loose. No-one gets my love of Blood Father though. That scene when he's storming about his trailer home loading up a shotgun like, "They're gonna take my parole away for this!". That's the Mel we come to see. Positively. Firmly. Over the line.

Sheldon Coltrane: Same old Mel.

Kelly: Same old Mel. But yes this Richet director definitely loves an action BMovie.

Kelly: We sure do. I want to go in to the area. The location of Plane.

Sheldon Coltrane: Where it crash lands? Jolo Island? Philippines. Pops about 500,000. Abu Sayyaf are the law down there. A mean Jihadist group. They were responsible for a terrorist attack in 2004. Bombed a ferry. Over a hundred deaths. Worst attack in Philippines history. Although, in more recent years, I think their numbers are dropping. Terrorism is expensive. They don't really tell you that. Hence why they often turn to kidnapping.

Kelly: And there's a lot of kidnappings that take place there?

Sheldon Coltrane: They had a case there back in 2015. A few got beheaded when the ransoms weren't paid.

Kelly: What's the standard price per head?

Sheldon Coltrane: I'd say probably about 500,000 thereabouts.

Kelly: Half a mill? So there is an exact value on human life?

Sheldon Coltrane: You could say that.

Kelly: So, you don't pay up you lose your head? That simple?

Sheldon Coltrane: Often in kidnappings they'll kill you after anyway even when they've received the ransom just to avoid being caught.

Kelly: That sounds like a nasty business.

Sheldon Coltrane: It isn't pleasant, Kelly.

Kelly: Have you done any work out there?

Sheldon Coltrane: Not on that island specifically but I've done lots of work in the Philippines.

Kelly: What does that entail?

Sheldon Coltrane: Bodyguard work mainly. The rich office workers are paranoid.

Kelly: What of, the kidnapping?

Sheldon Coltrane: Oh yeah, big time.

Kelly: So there's a lot of kidnapping? Like more than Mexico?

Sheldon Coltrane: Kelly, it's the kidnapping capital of the world.

Kelly: Really I thought that was Mexico?

Sheldon Coltrane: No, you're just saying that cause of the Denzel Washington movie, Man on Fire

Kelly: I think you're right.

Sheldon Coltrane: Which was actually originally set in Italy with the book. But by the time they were adapting Italy had dropped their numbers pretty significantly so Mexico was the obvious choice.

Kelly: Oh, good for Italy. So how does the bodyguard business work?

Sheldon Coltrane: You get the call. Some rich company owner will want a few people round him at all times over a weekend. Usually when he's making a big deal that might affect the country. His associates will have a list of trusted names to hire in. I'm pretty high on that list. I'll then call a few regulars I use that I knew back from the Marine Corp or just people that I find hanging about VFW bars. They fly us in. We have a license to carry. We follow the businessman round for a few days. Make sure nothing happens. Barely anything does. Nothing we couldn't handle. It's easy money.

Kelly: So it's good work?

Sheldon Coltrane: The best kind. We'll get more money in that weekend than we ever did working for the government. Independent contract work takes up the majority of my time now.

Kelly: Ok and coming back to Plane. How did you rate the rescue team?

Sheldon Coltrane: The private assets haha. As soon as they got mentioned by the risk analyst guy, I couldn't wait to see them in action.

Kelly: That's a good example of your new school realism coming in to the Cannon picture?

Sheldon Coltrane: I guess so. A move away from the solo cowboy. The one man wrecking crew.

Kelly: I got no problem with the guy at the desk, operatives in the field movies. Your Body of Lies. Your Clear and Present Danger. Allows for an ensemble.

Sheldon Coltrane: Yeah, it's more accurate. One guy doesn't do everything. It's like when you see a cop at a crime scene on TV. They go up and they pull out a small piece of evidence like a pen that somehow forensics missed. The TV Cop really does everything.

Kelly: Like Doctor House being a specialist in every field of medicine?

Sheldon Coltrane: Well, that's just a fucking cop show isn't it.

Kelly: Crime is a disease. Meet the cure.

Sheldon Coltrane: Nailed on haha. That man locks up all diseases behind bars.

Kelly: House, MD. A legend of the game. So these private assets then in plane, when they eventually came in. Did they operate like a good unit?

Sheldon Coltrane: They came in prepared. Don't know how they had just 500 grand spare for get out of jail money. Plus it probably wouldn't even cover one of them in some places but I admired the prep. Some incredible artillery too. When that 50 calibre came out

Kelly: When. That. 50. Calibre. Came. Out.

Sheldon Coltrane: NICE! I just love guns you know. Just the feel of it in my hands. Sometimes I go to bed with one. My fingers closed round the trigger, soothes me. Obviously, I keep the safety on. A lot of brothers have unnecessarily died from that.

Kelly: Call the NRA. This man loves guns.

Sheldon Coltrane: Moms Demand Action hate me.

Kelly: I bet they do. You're right though. Was nice. As soon as that 50 cal came out them naughty pirates were flying all about the gaff. Hitting cars. Hitting everything. They went full David De Gea.

Sheldon Coltrane: They had no chance. Bodies piled up. Perps went down.

Kelly: Pirates finished.

Sheldon Coltrane: One thing I did notice that I wasn't so sure about.

Kelly: Referee Michael Oliver has spotted something he doesn't like.

Sheldon Coltrane: They lacked skills as a team.

Kelly: Maybe they hadn't worked together much. Can that be a problem in mercenary work?

Sheldon Coltrane: Maybe. And sometimes. But if you go back through and watch them, they don't really work together. No-ones really covering each other or watching their backs. No real communication.

Kelly: Rio Ferdinand once said that him and Nemanja Vidic didn't really need to communicate at the heart of the Manchester United defence. They just developed a relationship where they instinctively knew where each other was and would go in any given situation. Vidic, would dive in, often brutally. Rio would be at the rear ready to gracefully clean up. A real he goes this way, I go that way type of partnership.

Sheldon Coltrane: It's not really like that I'm afraid, Kelly. And if it was, those guys in Plane don't best demonstrate it. You may get it sometimes with some of your closest buddies out there, a sort of instinctual thing and you'll work with them over and over. But I don't like to devalue the importance of teamwork. Deep down, I'm a real stickler for communication in the field.

Kelly: "What we have here is a failure to communicate". On that note, I think we'll end this here. Just want to say what I liked most about Plane was how it goes through the motions. Starts off like a potential hijacking movie, then a survivalist thriller and finally settles on a hostage movie. Keeps you on your toes.

Sheldon Coltrane: It's a white knuckle ride. Oorah!

Kelly: Yes, it is. Everyone get your tickets sorted. Because Butler taking out terrorists is pure box office.

Sheldon Coltrane: Always has been, always will be.

Kelly: Sheldon. You're a man of action and a man of truth. Come back soon.

Bonus Points:

-Richet rammer! Butler Banger!

-The Assault on Precinct 13 buddy cop set up

-Old school Cannon vibes with new school badass units

-The one take fight sequence

-Hammer time

-Mr 50 Calibre

Overall Score: 4/5