We Need to Keep Letting this Absolute Don Make his Awful Stephen King Adaptations

I don't actually watch many shows, which I know is crazy in this day and age with all the prestige television out there. Consequently, this should prove to be an interesting section each time cause I only tend to watch really stupid forgotten about shit (probably for a reason) out of nothing but curiosity. So expect random junk that takes my fancy such as Planet of the Apes, Star Trek, Magnum PI, Kung Fu, Columbo, The Incredible Hulk and The Equaliser.

This week I got round to a Stephen King adapted miniseries called Bag of Bones. His 34th book. I never set out to watch it but I was completing Mick Garris's catalogue, which is essentially just Stephen King adaptations. Subpar ones at that. In doing all his films, I was really hoping to find a great one I could get behind. Turns out not to be the case. The Stand has this glorious opening to don't fear the reaper and a Joe Bob Briggs cameo but soon gives way to over sentimental corny malarkey and stops being the sprawling Post-apocalyptic western it started life as. I was convinced that one would have been Mick's masterpiece. He almost achieves something profound with its epic scope but gives up around the middle. Therefore, Sleepwalkers remains his best for me. Impossible to fuck up coke era King. A proper Freudian incestual monster jam that only cocaine could create. Is it good? Who knows. Is it entertaining? Wickedly!

As I was yet to find a great movie by Mick, I came in to Bag of Bones at first thinking he's got no chance here if his slightly more regarded work isn't all that great either. However I can't say I wasn't curious to check it out nonetheless. Kept wondering how it is people keep giving him money to make such garbage Stephen King adaptations. Then I remembered well I keep watching them don't I?

I dunno he seems such a nice lad with a delightful smile. Plus you can tell he really enjoys making these so why stop him? Realised the financial backers and studios probably think the same. Fair play to him as well, he seems like he's willing to laugh about his obsession with the King. Bearing all this in mind when I read about this Bag of Bones being a not so well praised near 3 hour miniseries starring Pierce James Bond Brosnan, I was like oh come on give me it now.

There's potential for this to be a David Fincher masterpiece thriller in the same vein as The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. This was before Mick Garris hijacked it. As a result it operates to the standard TV used to have a reputation for before Twin Peaks came in and changed the game. Without a doubt it screams hack but it's the kind of hack I like. Brosnans even playing a writer just to give off that whole vibe even further. Always on board when King does that meta bullshit. Even when it's awful you get this glimpse in to his mind during some of his craziest periods. Playing around the messy avenues of his brain is always fun and revealing even if he can't get a fully formed picture out.

Mick doesn't seem to have much of a clue what he's doing with it. There's far too many threads for him to keep track of and you'd have to be as meticulous as Fincher to make something more coherent here. Mick commits the typical crime I hate of directors brown nosing King too much. You want to make a good adaptation you have to cut some silly stuff out that won't translate well on the screen. There was a reason Kubrick got rid of the hedge animals in The Shining and replaced them with a maze. Here, Garris keeps something so stupid as a woman's face superimposed on a tree. Although, it was almost worth it just to see Brosnan interact with a tree like it was a sexy lady.

I'm sure the books probably alright whilst nothing revolutionary. There's enough Kingisms to be tolerable in places. It's biggest problem is the talent involved in adapting it. No doubt it works fine as a book but when constructed into a film it's too scared to abandon details or present things in a different way. Gonna guess it's quite faithful, which as I said doesn't make the book necessarily bad. Rather that there are differences between the mediums. What works for one might not work here. In this case, it hasn't worked at all. Need to be braver and have your own vision going on or it just gets lost between the two mediums. The worst of both worlds.

Found it be a lot less irritating than recent King adaptations. No annoying kids and childish bollocks to confuse the tone like the IT films and Doctor Sleep. This had one tone which I've already mentioned here and that's hack. At least it was consistent in being terrible. Doctor Sleep does interest me in some ways for what Ewan Mcgregors character is doing in the opening act with his alcohol recovery before that stupid hat wearing cunt comes in. Yet, I must say full respect to Bag of Bones for consistently being shit if that is some kind of achievement to be proud of. I knew what I was in for and had fun with what was in store. Can't argue with that can you? It never threatened me with a good time and took that away from me. You really do gotta appreciate that. No teasing. No lying. Just a straight up shit project from start to finish. Wow.

Can't fault the Bros, the great James Bond knows exactly how to navigate this appalling trash. By the way, notice that James Bond. Never ex-James Bond. Correct anyone that ever calls any Bond an ex-Bond. Once you become one you're one for life. It's the British equivalent of the presidential system. When you end up in hell with tricky dick, it's president Nixon. Not gonna call him anything else are you? So show some respect. I can't recall seeing Brosnan in a campy horror before but he handles it with ease much like he would his rom coms or action flicks. Just a suave fellow who's good with the ladies and exudes confidence.

This could well be Mama Mia 3 you know. Like Mama Mia 2 there's a strict focus on the transformation in to daddies. That's literally the whole story. On that basis, Bag of Bones is great cinema. Never bad when you see Daddy Brosnan come out. In one of the final scenes, a young girl says to him "You're ready to be a daddy". I have never felt more fulfilled than in that moment when Brosnan was declared ready to be a father. If you don't break out in to a round of applause at that moment, there's something wrong with you. This was a huge moment comparable to Mamma Mia 2 when they all finally rock up in that boat and the statement is clear: the Daddies have arrived.

To be absolutely clear Bag of Bones is never good, not even hit and miss, its truly awful. However, there are times it can be hugely likeable if you leave quality at the door. Mostly, it seems in constant battle with itself over whether it wants to familiar fun or bland. Depends where it is at any one point. Occasionally it lacks stylisation and a firm grip on the material so grows boring. Whenever it slips in to boring drama and custody battles it can get dull. However, when it's giving you what you like, albeit in a dreadful manner it can be quite the little bag of boisterous stupid fun. When it sticks to Brosnan losing his mind and trying to solve the mystery it's good times. I'll rank this one under serious amount of alcohol needed to enjoy.

Bonus Points for:

-Mick Garris clearly enjoying himself as always

-The Kingisms

-James Bond in a campy horror

-Another entry in the Pierce Brosnan

Daddy cinematic universe

Overall Score: 2.5/5