Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. "How long has it been since your last confession?". This is my first time, father. Actually, that's not strictly speaking true. I once confessed to a man dressed in a black cassock and white Roman collar in a Nottingham nightclub because one confession equalled one shot of vodka. Not a bad deal. I got so good at confessing I might have made up a few little lies that with each passing shot, I couldn't even keep track of them to the point the man dressed in black told me to "take your last shot, fuck off and don't come back". And here was me thinking the church was open to everyone. Regardless, I have come to believe that this nightclub priest was not really a man of the cloth. If he's still lurking at the back clubs, then maybe you and your padres better put a stop to this fraud, if you know what I mean?

"What are your sins?". I really really enjoyed The Pope's Exorcist. Yes, Julius Avery is an awful director who unbeknownst to God (sorry if that counts as blasphemy or saying the Lord's name in vain or something like that) somehow happens to land big Hollywood actors each time. In this case, Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true Emperor Marcus Aurelius, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. I'm talking about Gladiator. The great Russell Crowe himself. What he's doing here is an absolute mystery, greater than the mystery of life itself. Can we forgive a man for trying to keep the lights on? Even if he is worth 120 million dollars? Not like the church ever considers class or wealth, is it? Making them almost completely useless.

If an actor can be overqualified, then Russell Crowe is certainly that when it comes to this God awful (sorry) B-Movie. Yet, seeing such a big name making his way in to this way past its sell by date genre, the possession movie, does give it a much needed kick up the arse and new life it so desperately needed.

From the outset he's playing mind games with his enemies. It is 1987, he's called in to a small Italian village to help a man tied to a bed who is believed to have been possessed. Gladiator sees right through this and realises the man in question is just severely unhinged. So he decides to play a little trick on this mad man by calling out the demon and saying if it really was a demon and possessed such powers, it could transfer itself to the pig in the corner of the room. No idea why there's a pig just chilling there but this scene is amazing so I'll allow it. Once the supposed demon jumps in to the vessel of the pig, Gladiator gives a nod and one of his accompaniment, the men of God, blows the pig away with a single shotgun blast. This firmly establishes Gladiator as perhaps not a friend to the animal loving community but a hardened professional not to be trifled with. The Earth's most seasoned and in demand exorcist.

His actions get him a disciplinary hearing at work and he's called back to The Vatican urgently. These people are furious as he did not confront them and ask for permission from the high priests to perform the exorcism. To which he responds that it was technically not an exorcism as there was no demon involved only intellectual role play conducted on a weak mind. Elaborate role play of the finest order that would have no doubt impressed Dr John Crawley in Shutter Island. These padres are sceptical of Gladiator's tales of psychological theatre and attack his methods as those of an uncontrolled maverick. Leading the Commander of the Armies of the North to discuss the existence of evil, which the church in recent times has tried to deny and declares them all a "firing squad" like those he saw during his battles in World War II, before abruptly leaving the room like the Don that he is.

Gladiator is repeatedly shown to give no shits and they believe him to be operating independently with no care for authority. However, these fools do not understand that he is a loyal servant to the true pope himself, Franco Nero. That is who he reports to and no-one else. Sorry, how could I not help loving this one? This is just gold. As I have ranted about on several occasions in Funeralopolis, the current flaw of modern horror is overwriting the drama and not finding enough time to deliver what the audience truly wants: the thrills.

The Pope's Exorcist takes an extreme response to this by completely and shambolically underwriting everything. We get one scene to introduce Gladiator, one to show him as a rogue and one to reveal his allegiance to a single person, the pope. So far that's fine and purely economical, getting the information across in the most efficient way. Next, we are quickly introduced to the family he will soon be helping. One driving montage to The Cult's She Sells Sanctuary and one unpacking montage to Violent Femme's Gone Daddy Gone later, this family's child is possessed. No build up. No warning. All we need to know apparently is that it is the '80s, they're moving to a Spanish castle and there is no Dad present in this family.

Considering how stale this genre has become and we're at a point when little is being done to push its boundaries further, skipping to the set pieces and bringing in Gladiator sooner than later is totally acceptable. Give the people what they want right? We didn't come for a dull family drama, We came to see Gladiator kick some ass, fight the demons and perform exorcisms. He's the selling point. One of the hardest motherfuckers in cinema going toe to toe with one of the biggest villains of all time, the devil. So let's not waste a minute more than we have to. Nobody came here expecting The Exorcist. Just good silly fun. Exactly what this stupid film provides.

Having got the prologue and Act One out the way, Act Two commences and can be described as outrageously ambitious, especially for a 90 minute movie. In a pure Scooby Doo like segment, the General of the Felix Legions and his assistant take a break from the exorcism to explore the basement of the castle, which is currently in ruins. Complete with cobwebs and bones.

Down here, they learn that the founder of the Spanish Inquisition was a former exorcist who fell to a demon and infiltrated the church. Therefore, positing that the extreme and amoral actions of the church during the Spanish Inquisition were solely due to the devil invading the ranks like an undercover agent. Feeling there's a Martin Scorsese The Departed style prequel there waiting to happen. Venturing further in to the basement, Gladiator begins to suspect a similar plot taking place in present times and so he must be put a stop to the Devil's highly detailed plan. I salute such ridiculous nonsense. Transforms it beyond a single case of possession and in to the a huge battle of good vs evil. The man who battles armoured soldiers in the arena against the ever scheming Devil. Who will win? Only thing missing here is Gladiator recreating Ben Hur's chariot race against the Devil on his Lambretta Severta Li 150 Special. Unexpectedly though in that second act, this tighty ninety openly suggests that really it is an epic.

The Third act is slightly disappointing and goes on a little longer than it should. You do get the typical funny scenes of a child saying really outrageous things often to their defenceless mothers. However, what I was liking with the second act was the world building. Thankfully they come back to this in the closing scenes and set up some sequels. I pray they happen but something tells me they may not. Then again in spite of the mixed reception, they've made 70 million off an 18 million budget. Probably just proves having a big star involved does a lot. The Pope's Exorcist goes out on a high as Gladiator is recruited to join a secret unit and tasked with putting a stop to the Devil's work wherever it may appear. Get Ron Howard on the blower and let's get some really dumb Da Vinci Codeesque sequels made. Then when he gets bored or has taken the full brunt of the critics to his maximum level, we'll drag in Stephen Sommers for those who have a soft spot for pulpy trashy guilty pleasures like The Mummy and Van Helsing. He could get this going to the absurd and operatic heights suggested in the second act.

Up until the closing credits appeared, I was unaware this was 100% a factual and true story with zero fabrication. Father Amorth, pictured above, who Gladiator plays is a real person. A former exorcist who wrote the classics of literature An Exorcist Tells His Story, An Exorcist Explains the Demonic: The Antics of Satan and His Army of Fallen Soldiers, Memoirs of an Exorcist: My Life Fighting Satan and my personal favourite title, The Devil is Afraid of Me. That one sounds like the hardest Memphis rap album of all time. I will be checking out all of these to prepare for the supposed sequels. Essential reading.

The Church opened its doors to this man and he is now worth over a million for selling flapdoodle to Hollywood and the masses. What an absolute King His infamy has only grown with the movie, leading to The International Association of Exorcists to denounce these stories as, "unreliable splatter". The Vatican for a long time were fuming at him for forming the IAE splinter group from within back in the '90s. His favourite film is William Friedkin's The Exorcist. He is a legend. Oh yeah and when I came back from the cinema, I realised I must have been really intoxicated for this because I didn't just leave my front door unlocked, I left it wide open. Any interested party could have waltzed right in and nicked the sacred Blu-rays. Had to let out a Homer Simpson "Doh!" Like sound upon witnessing this unwise act. I noticed I had let the Devil into my home. This film does things to you. Maybe it's really evil. That was the moment I realised it was time to go church and re-win favour with the lord.

Liking this movie is a sin, I have committed a sin and I am fully aware. I am sorry for this and all my sins. "How will you atone for this sin?". I will try to be better and help my neighbour where possible. I will dedicate my life to God and healing those I have hurt through the actions of my sins.

Although, I don't think I can be fully blamed for this one. No-one told me

1.His choice of wheels would be a moped (which he would ride whilst ominous music plays and is now being dubbed as The Exorcistmobile).

2.His greatest fear would be France winning the World Cup.

3It would adopt the stance that the flaws of the church during the Spanish Inquisition would be accounted for as being the result of the Devil infiltrating the church. Honestly father, every time Gladiator went in to fight Earth's final battle and take on the demon, I kept wanting to cheer, "SPEAR 'EM GLADIATOR!". I couldn't control myself. The whole affair was rather amusing and left me in a ball of laughter, heaped over my chair in the cinema in a position rather like how Linda Blair walks up steps. Anyone who's trip to the cinema I ruined due to my laughing fit, I deeply apologise. The Devil made do it. Lord, have mercy on my soul.

I am just a poor sinner who may never learn from his actions and sin again at the next available opportunity but please I am asking to be forgiven. I am bowing to Leper Messiah. Now comes the absolution, right? Father? Are you there father? "God the father of mercies through the death and resurrection of his Son as reconciled the world to himself and then sent the Holy spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins. Through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Now fuck off and don't come back".