An Abhorrent Menace Sweeps the Countryside

Bonehead Bill is back. Back on English soil. Back to ruin my fucking life. Take him off my hands, I beg you. Ladies, he's not actually a bad looking fellow. I mean he hums of shite and could probably do with a bath, which is why he tends to be successful with females suffering from semi blocked nasal passages due to excessive cocaine consumption. Other than that though, my fine feathered friend is a rather handsome fella. All I recommend is investment in cheap nose pegs. Find yourself a bargain on Bezos's Amazon and maybe just have it permanently selected to 'repeat buy'. You'll be able to tell people you have a boyfriend in Bonehead and a nose peg dealer in Bezos. Put these two together and you'll be operating at peak social capital. Remove this thorn in my side please, trust me ladies, you can fix him.

If I seem a little hostile towards this man and un-thrilled by his return it is because the fucker has left me skint for the month. Yes, the only reason he was able to get his sweet feet down in Charles's country again was because of me. The bank of Jacob Kelly is usually a sight for sore eyes to begin with so this didn't help matters at all. Alright, so a few days ago I got a call saying things had "gone south with the Irish family" and he needed an exit strategy. Kept saying he had to "bail" and that the family were looking for him. Asked him where he was calling me from. He does not know. Told him "that's not fucking good enough is it!". Can't help him if he doesn't know where he is.

Erratically he starts going on about being stuck in a bush the last twenty minutes and he "Daren't get out". What the fuck is Bonehead Bill doing in a bush? Oh, he had to dive for cover because he was being chased by a bunch of ticked off Irishmen. "Fuck sake", I said, "That's Liam Neeson's people and if there's one thing I've learnt from my time in cinemas, it's you do not go around pissing off Neeson". In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have said this, the man's head was already on the ropes, it sure didn't need clattering with the threat of Neeson.

My words send him in to a whirl of mania. He proceeds to rant and assault me with irrelevant details of his current predicament. Only the final line can be clearly made out as he describes his present location by saying that he is in a "green bush" Reminded him that they don't come in many other colours and this information was useless to me. "You want my help, figure out where the fuck you are first" was the choice I presented him.

Instead of checking Google Maps he continues this repeating of useless information. This may have been around the point when all I could say over and over was "Get a fucking grip, get a fucking grip!". I had been brought down to his level and I knew it. Unable to conjure a single idea, I decided it was time to hang up and take the Kelly 5 minutes out. A process that had never failed me to date. I'd been using the technique since a drug-induced bad reaction during a screening of Matilda. Mrs Trunchbull and old Mary don't go together it turns out. During this temporary time out, I managed to get my head screwed back on and could only hope I could do the same for my pea-brained partner in crime. Round two goes down and plays out rather well. Advised he make it to the nearest train station. Bonehead informs me he doesn't "think there is one". Round two was not going so well.

This led me in to a rant about how much I hated Lettershandoney, a place I had never been to and after this saga would never be going to. May have in my frustration even said some vile things about the people of Lettershandoney. In particular I may have addressed their blatant uselessness and utter stupidity in not building a damn train station. A vital modern resource. As a result, I would like to take this moment to apologise to the people of Lettershandoney for my outburst. I will refrain in future from resorting to slander, slurs and the defamation of the good people of Lettershandoney

Before I could say anything worse, it suddenly hit me that buses exist. This set something off in Bonehead Bill as he finally remembered that's how he got here actually. An almost perfect example of the moron I have to put up with and why he must be stopped. One of these days, I'm going to have to give him the Lenny treatment. Hand over a couple of rabbits to soothe him and then it's come on Bonehead out the back. Pump a few rounds in his head in some alleyway behind a pub for the benefit of humanity. He just wasn't made for this world. There will be a time when this has to come, I can only hope I do not act too late.

Have to say, I was pretty nervous when he said there's only 1 bus stop in the whole town but decided to think more about how this may make it easier as we won't have to worry about multiple buses and routes. One straight ticket out of there. "Yeah, yeah, should be simpler that way", Bonehead said in agreement. Evidence was beginning to suggest we were getting somewhere but then Bonehead Bill added, "Ok, but where am I getting the bus to?". Upon hearing this, I was filled with sudden explosive rage. A stack of XFiles DVDs that never did any harm to anyone only a few yards away from me almost got a good kicking. Somehow my mouth acted before my foot and the X-Files DVDs were spared from the tumultuous fate of being Wayne Rooney'd across my living room. I yelled over and over like a possessed army general giving his orders, "The airport you fucking halfwit! Get to the airport. Get to the fucking airport!".

Spurred in to action, Bonehead Bill sprinted off round Lettershandoney, ducking for cover at the first sign of an Irish accent and attempted to find the village's one bus stop. Eventually, the call comes through, Bonehead Bill has Lettershandoney's one bus stop in sight. Hallelujah. "Great", I tell him, "When's the next bus?". This question is not immediately answered and my man on the ground alerts me to an all new problem. The bus stop is currently being guarded by a couple of members of this Irish family.

Bonehead Bill mentions that one of them has received a call with an order saying to, "Guard the bus stop. Don't leave it for any reason. That Gobshite Bill isn't leaving Lettershand oney" Even my idiotic friend knew this did present quite a problem. We couldn't act too quickly on this one. Our plans were put on standby. We had us a stalemate.

Our next move had to be planned very carefully. Lives were at stake. This took some time but all of a sudden an idea began to emerge. I called Bonehead Bill and simply said, 'Zugzwang'. As expected, he didn't have a clue what this word meant. Any chesshead worth his salt will know this is a German word literally translated as "compulsion to move". Yes, we had to force a move. These punks had to leave their stations. But how to make a couple of Irish lads abandon their posts? Well, I checked the next bus's time of arrival and googled local takeaways. To the end of my days, I will forever have a love for The Great Wall Chinese Takeaway, they got us out of a tough spot that day. If ever you're in the area of Drumahoe, check in on these great guys who more than did us a favour. Arranged for them to do a delivery about 2 minutes before that next bus was showing up. Ordered it to the nearest house but put in the notes to 'drop off by the bus stop'. Brought Bonehead in on the plans and told him to sprint on to the bus as soon as he got the a chance. This is "Operation Dinner Out"

Everything goes to plan, the unfortunate delivery guy shows up expecting a simple drop and here he got two Irish lads kicking off screaming that they "never ordered a fucking Blackbean Sauce" and how they would kick this guys "fucking head in" if he didn't leave in the "next 5 seconds". To aggravate the situation further, I put that the delivery was to be paid in cash. So there was great argument about how this was to be paid. Of course, I used Bonehead's email for all this, no way I want this traced back to me or have my accounts ruined because of his mess.

Ordered these guys a couple of "C2 Specials". That meant the choice of a main, prawn toast, rib, veg spring roll, curry triangles, wonton rice, small chips and prawn crackers. For the mains I went with the aforementioned Blackbean Sauce and a King Prawn Chow Mein. Can't say I didn't spoil these guys. Easy to do when you're not paying. Whilst that side to it was being figured, Bonehead Bill slipped on the bus undetected and finally left Lettershadoney. I was proud of him. Felt like we were Dicaprio and Crowe in Body of Lies. I, the man at the desk, staring at a screen, orchestrating the mission from the safety of my home. Bonehead, my eyes and ears on the ground, the ultimate field operative. Got so excited, I gave The Great Wall Chinese Takeaway 5 stars on google for their troubles and the incredible hand they played in the successful mission "Operation Dinner Out"

Whilst the most dangerous part of bringing Bonehead Bill home was over, another problem soon came apparent. After checking all of his pockets thrice over, Bonehead concluded he must have lost his cash and would not be able to pay for the flight home. My next question was, "Card?". And naturally this was also lost too. This didn't matter too much, the fucker didn't even have money in his account to begin with. Any way you looked at it, we were fucked. I surrendered my money and got the freak a flight home. Ryanair of course, I wasn't forking out on the bastard. Even had to book Mr B a train from Manchester Airport. Bonehead Bill promises to pay me back and he will.

As a result of Bonehead's fuck up, I'd been bled dry. This little stunt had left us beerless. It would be a lie to say this didn't have an impact on this weeks movie. A few beers would have smoothed this tonal disaster for sure. If you'd seen some of the reviews out for this movie, you'd be convinced it was decent. Exactly the reason we put it on. Well, Bonehead was a little hesitant to watch this Moloch because a lot of it is in Dutch.

He tends to see subtitles as a personal attack and threat to his masculine front. He refers to them as "ableist" because they mock his limited reading capabilities. That's why I don't mind chatting shit about him on here because even if he could be arsed to read it, he probably wouldn't be able to anyway. But he does enjoy the "pictures" though. Something he reminds me every time I send a link his way. After Bonehead's expected disapproval of subtitled films, I reminded him how much money he owed me and he quickly shut the fuck up.

Moloch is a movie about an abhorrent menace sweeping the countryside. A ghostly figure terrorising a family by slitting the throats vertically of all the female members. Every generation it comes back for the kill. I don't know how you feel about family curse movies but for me they kind of peaked with the 2000s classic Holes. The Yelnats cinematic legacy is so strong you have to wonder why any sane individual would even try to compete in this day and age. The clear winner is there, the battle has been fought and won. Unfortunately, these Dutch dudes did not get the message. Too much of the wacky backy and space cakes gone to their head. How else do you explain trying to challenge the greatest western of all time? Yes, I am still, for your information, talking about Holes. There are a minute number of things I would say this Moloch has going for it. Lead actress Sallie Harmsen is a genuine blonde baddie that makes the countryside more inviting than ever. Make no mistake, she's so attractive she'll have you convinced what you really need in life is an earned break from hard labour, some R and R in the countryside and a shot at temporary romance. Alexandre Williams plays a suave gentleman who takes up this rather pleasant offer. Although, Bonehead and I simply took to calling this geezer Christian Eriksen on the account that he happens to look the spitting image of him and is even Danish.

The pair of them strike up a sizzling romance in the arse end of nowhere. Any scenes of them investigating the local curse and romantically forming a bond works well. We're not talking Fincher mind you. More TV investigative thriller at best but we've all got our guilty pleasures. This is mine.

Christian Eriksen takes his time with his courting process but when these finally begin banging, it is by a country mile the best scene in the entire movie. Suddenly, we have an aggressive moody outdoor fuck in the mud like something out of Antichrist or Sightseers. Nothing but the good stuff. Never anything on the level of the films mentioned but credit when the goods are delivered you know. Turned to Bonehead Bill and asked if he got "up to any moody outdoor mud fucking with Shauna in Ireland?" Apparently, this was the very reason he was forced to leave the place.

His Irish adopted family loved him so much they wanted him to stick around longer. For the life of me I couldn't tell you why. However, everything was meant to be going stupendously until the question of money entered the picture. That's when the tensions began and trouble entered paradise. The family set him up with a job on their Aunt Beatrice's farm. Bonehead Bill foolishly agreed to this, he never should have done such a thing because that man does not do hard work. It never agreed with him. Not that I have ever worked alongside Bonehead Bill but I can imagine he'd be the guy on your shift that constantly moves around doing anything but work. Every hour on the dot you see him come past and he shouts something stupid like "Oi Oi!", does some gun fingers, awkwardly engages in conversation with you about your weekend and moves on to his next victim on the rotation. Clockwork.

So at just about every opportunity, Bonehead would neglect his duties and try to "chat up Shauna". This moron doesn't really grasp the fact when you avoid work on a farm, it's easy to notice. Either the job is done or it is not.

One of Shauna's brothers began to notice the lack of set jobs being completed and grew suspicious of Bonehead's minimal output. Consequently, he decided to check on the situation one afternoon. When he caught Bonehead Bill preforming the art of cunnilingus on his baby sister in a boggy field he was not best pleased and did not take to kindly to it. He ragged Bonehead by the collar, threw him to the ground and went to collect his brothers. Bonehead's time was up. As he picked the straw off his tongue and quickly searched for his socks, he knew he was about to know the true meaning of Johnny Cash's late career hit, 'Hurt'. This must have been the moment I got a text message which read, "Kelly, I don't want to work on Maggie's farm no more!" Sent him a message back just saying, "Range Life's over sunshine". No reply came back my way as a sockless Bonehead Bill had to spend the next 45 minutes leaping fence to fence and field to field. Hard as a rock, my man made the countryside his playground. You can be sure he got his steps in that day.

Throughout all Bonehead's explanation, one thing was troubling me. "Weren't you working on a plan to win over Shauna's mother?", I queried. Bonehead Bill did not have an answer for that, he just exhaled and shook his head. Oh God, this dingbat really does have the best of intentions. He tries, he tries his best. After that long detour, back to where we're supposed to be, the Dutch countryside. It's obvious what Moloch is trying to be, an atmospheric rural horror. It lacks the eccentric comedy and violence of the British version of this kind of movie. It's not Witchfinder General, Blood on Satan's Claw or The Wicker Man. Far fucking from it. It's not even Rawhead Rex but let's face it, what is?

Instead, it is more akin to the Italian gateway horrors like The Beyond. Except Fulci and Frizzi didn't show up to work today. They were trying to go for this very cerebral horror where you can totally feel the evil spirits lurking in the spaces.

Unfortunately, the music isn't all that striking or ambitious enough to make it all come alive sonically speaking like it was supposed to. Here's the big issue though, if you think the scores far too generic and average, wait til you take in the direction. The score I can forgive, its passable and somewhat on the right lines. As for the capturing of images, these are far too tame for Kelly's liking. The closest they even get to making the movie work on a sonic atmospheric level it should have been was the underwater fish and vibrations. Appreciated what it was trying to do there even if it was underdeveloped.

Always hate saying this but this movie definitely worked better in its quieter moments. Any time it went for loud and attention grabbing the whole movie collapsed. It was about functioning as a fun shitty detective thriller but any time it went in to the spiritual and the bold it failed drastically. Director didn't have the tools. Wasn't in the old locker. About every 5 minutes I'd turn to Bonehead and say "why is this film misbehaving?! Why does it want to ruin itself so much!" What I mean by this is that there are elements that hold your interest and then these silly ideas keep creeping in like an unwanted guest. For example, slow moody scene, a man breaks in the house and sits drinking a glass of milk. Creepy and effective scene, especially considering our protagonist is a female in that situation. Seconds later this intruder was howling to the moon like an American you know what in London. No just no. Not sure what they were thinking on that one. Generally, I'm supportive of strange little moments to catch you off guard but if it's not your strength and you haven't got it in the arsenal, don't even bother. Felt like grabbing hold of this devious director and saying, "Come on good sir, this is not you. You're not built for it"

What we needed here was less scenes like the one where she's in the lift looking at the mirror with really unadventurous visuals and more subdued scenes of the blonde baddie and Christian Eriksen in the pub questioning people. Bless those two talented actors, they were the only ones keeping the ship together. Had they got the balance better I could have let this off.

That ending didn't help anyone though. Right Hereditary is a really great movie but you know that last 5 minutes where it threatens to ruin itself around about when the nude people come in? Well, the third act of Moloch is about a thousand times worse and I swear to God was lifting shots straight from it. On some level, I can forgive Hereditary because there's a bunch of dudes hanging dong and I find it rather amusing. Moloch does not attempt a single brave visual and comes off utterly pathetic. Instead, Moloch's visuals are more like a bad sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean without Captain Jack's charm. Fuck the ghosts, what we really wanted here was more of Christian Eriksen and his blonde baddie moody outdoor fucking.

Neither myself nor Bonehead liked this movie. He hated it so much that he said he was picking the next one. Reminded him that he could pick the next movie the second his debts are settled. Bonehead must have really disliked the movie because just before he left, he asked if he could pay me back through editing and assembling the zine as he knows I hate that part. Told him, "Nice try Bonehead but you'd fuck it up even worse than I do". He was fully right though, I do need an editor. Added that I could also do with an artist, "you know like a cartoonist", I said to him. "Cartoons?", he asked baffled.

"Yeah. I'm thinking I need a Ralph Steadman", I said and curiously waited on a response. Bonehead Bill begins nodding vigorously, reacting to this idea as he takes his hand off the door handle. Rocking back and forth, he works up an answer and finally replies, "Yesssssss go on lad, get Gonzo!". After this comment, he slips off in to the night ready to commit heinous mischief to a world unsuspecting. A cursed child, his motto: "Gotta do it to them before they do it to us, son!" Pray that you never become, "them".

Bonus Points:

-Christian Eriksen finding the time in between his busy football schedule to make a movie

-The blonde baddie and Christian Eriksen undertaking in some heavy questioning down at the boozer

-The blonde baddie and Christian Eriksen engaging in moody outdoor fucking

-Using goldfish as an analogy for how the spirit forces send messages and make people do their bidding

Overall Score: 2/5