Empathy brochure Under the Erasmus+ co-funded project “3C: Connection-Compassion-Contact” 2020-1-PL01-KA105-079514
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Empathy – what is it about? In simple terms, empathy is the ability to understand things from another person’s perspective. It’s the ability to share someone else’s feelings and emotions and understand why they’re having those feelings. Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing, it is being WITH someone without being someone.
In this brochure, empathy is understood as presence, which builds the connection. Selfempathy is understood as an internal process which leads us to clarity in terms of what do we value, what is important for us at the present moment, what is happening to us at the present moment, and what do we need.
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„Empathy lies in our ability to be present without opinion” Marshal B. Rosenberg What empathy is and what is not Sometimes, we may struggle to respond empathically because of our habits and previous experiences. Instead of empathising, we may tend to give advice, explaining our position, feelings or other responses listed below. We want to highlight that these are not empathy, which does not mean that these responses are not allowed or shouldn’t be used at all. They may serve meeting other needs (such as contribution, sharing, etc.). However, be aware that they may block empathic giving and receiving. „With empathy, I’m fully with them, and not full of them – that’s sympathy” Marshall B. Rosenberg
Data gathering “when did it start? How did it happen?”
Storytelling “that reminds me of a time, when….”
One-up/Comparing “That’s nothing! Listen, what happened to me!”
Collusion “You are completely right! He is the worst! He should have never behaved in this way!”
Advising “What I would do/ You have to/ Now you must….”
Sympathy “I am so upset hearing this! I feel so bad for you!”
Educating “This may be a valuable lesson for you!”
Analysing/Diagnosing “You know where your problem is? You should be more….”
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Discounting “Don’t feel so….”
Consoling, “Don’t worry, next time will be better!”
And many others…can you name some?
What to do instead, then? You might want to try recapping, paraphrasing, reflecting back on what the person said and affirming with the Speaker if that was what they wanted to say. You may also try empathic guesses and gently guessing feelings and needs behind them. The empathic Listener may be in a role of a midwife who supports delivering…feelings and needs. Try what works best, mainly for the one who needs empathy.
Empathy in youth work Empathising with someone’s ‘no’ protects us from taking it personally. Wouldn’t it be helpful to empathise with “no” from young people we work with? Wouldn’t it help create more supportive and healthier working environments for us – youth workers? To have this superpower of supporting young people in discovering the needs they have, which are met and unmet? Helping them find various healthy and supportive strategies for meeting unmet needs? Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, defuse potential violence, help us hear the word ‘no’ without taking it as a rejection, revive the lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence. All of this can support the work we do, especially when working in vulnerable environments. Showing own vulnerability often helps resolve conflicts and establishes a connection. Working on our empathy muscle helps both: young people and youth workers. We invite you to go through some other benefits of empathy listed below and relate them to your work with young people:
Benefits your health (less stress and less negativity which leads people to be in better shape with stronger immune systems)
Improves communications skills
Supports to teamwork
Creates a healthy work environment
Transcends personal relationships
Decreases negativity
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Setting for the groups Participants of our training had a task to establish empathy groups in their communities. This is how in 8 countries, several groups were created, and over 130 individuals took part in this process. Some of the groups are still running, and some have had several meetings. Some groups were meeting online, some on the spot, and we learnt that both ways are possible for practising. In the case of online meetings, you may want to consider using the cards of needs and feelings online (using an online zoom whiteboard or similar tools). The guidelines for creating a practice group (based on “Nonviolent Communication Companion workbook. A Practical Guide for Individual, Group or Classroom Study” by Lucy Leu) 1. Set the aim: collect the motivation from the group members/members to be. This will help you to set the aim for your meetings. 2. Remember the purpose: find a way to remember the purpose of being together. Each meeting can have a slightly different topic, but the purpose of your group is to develop, practice empathy, or maybe deepen your knowledge and skills regarding NVC. You may come up with some special opening, remembering such as poem, song, painting… 3. Take time: looking for the answers to deep questions, we may need some time. Include the moments of silence, and introduce the talking piece, which will support you in facilitating the sharing part. At the same time, we recommend having a specific time of the week dedicated for the meeting and specific amount of time for that, so the meeting is not lasting forever until the last person lost the attention and nobody can be fully present. 4. Choose the leader and timekeeper: the roles may circulate, and we recommend this practice. The leader facilitates the meeting, oversees the group’s practical and logistical needs, plans the structure, and guides the groupwhile time keeper guards the time for exercises, activities, and the meeting itself. 5. Set the rules: we understand rules here as strategies for meeting needs. Agreeing on such rules can save time and supports creating a shared reality for the group. While discussing this part, check-in the group if a particular rule is a request or demand.
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You can read more regarding the groups and the outcomes of participation in such groups in the publication summarising this experience and in the video, where participants were sharing their reflections: https://issuu.com/fundacjainstytutinnowacji/docs/3c_connection_compassion_contact_dissem ination https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZUKFjAa79M
Exercises How to practice empathy? Below you can find seven exercises or ideas for working on your empathy or creating the space for those you work with, collaborate, and coexist. Remember that the human brain is neuroplastic, which means that the adult brain has a remarkable ability to change, in both structure and functionality, when exposed to new stimuli. Simply speaking, every time you approach a problem with a new perspective or in a new way (in our case, empathically), the neurons in your brain that are linked with that behaviour activate. If you do this often, neurons become more robust, more available and more impactful. Practice does make a difference! 1. What is empathy? You may wish to open your practice group by posing and reflecting on the two questions:
What is the essence of empathy for you?
What are the observable actions of empathy for you?
The exercise may be done in pairs and then discussed on plenary. It helps establish a common understanding of the term and recognise different preferences and strategies within the group. It may also serve as the first practice of empathic listening. 2. Cards of feelings and needs
Alone Ex. No 1. Draw or deliberately choose one need card from the deck; it may be the need which is most alive in you at this moment. Generate at least five possible strategies for meeting this need.
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Ex. No. 2 Recall the day which is finishing. What is alive in you at the end of the day? Look through the list of cards of feelings and choose the three which are most present at the moment. Choose one feeling and, again, use cards or a list to reflect which needs met or unmet are behind this feeling.
In a group Ex. No 1. It is similar to exercise no two from the last category. While facilitating the group process, workshop, or session, you may ask the group to choose one feeling from the deck of cards alive at the end of the day. You may encourage sharing on plenary
3. Empathy poker Invite a volunteer to share a situation chosen with a group. After brief sharing, invite the group members to make guesses by choosing the cards distributed. Follow the pattern: Do you feel…(feeling expressed by the Speaker) Because you need your… (indicate the chosen need) satisfied? The Speaker chooses three cards among the group members’ chosen cards which resonate the most. Then, chooses 1 Rosenberg says: “When people hear needs, it provokes compassion. When people hear diagnoses, it provokes defensiveness and attack”. By exercising with cards and connecting to our own needs, we learn to respond compassionately to others. Moreover, working with cards expands your vocabulary and makes it easier to say what is really going on inside you. It helps you be real in how you feel, being authentic. We do recommend supporting exercises with cards of feelings and needs. For working with cards, you may purchase cards already on the market (in English or your mother tongue); however, you can also produce the cards by yourself. In the second scenario, we recommend following NVC-related sources for support (CNVC1 or PuddleDancer website). This will help you avoid using faux feelings or strategies instead of needs.
1
The Center for Nonviolent Communication. Look at the next section for more information
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4. Dyad meditation The Dyad (meaning two) is a powerful meditation practise developed and promoted by Robert Gonzales done in pairs. Different from silent meditation practised alone, the Dyad Meditation is done face-to-face across from each other, either in-person or online in front of the computer. Intention: To taste the power of Dyad Meditation (or Dyad Inquiry), we are in pairs, face-to-face, alternating as Listener or Speaker, 5 minutes each, two rounds, 40 minutes in total. Connecting in a safe and sacred space, we can uncover innate presence, communion, and love…2
The speaker/ Sharer
Listener/ Witnessing Person
Let the Listener know the question you’d Ask the Speaker the question they like for your inquiry.
requested (not saying their name.)
Receive the question, quietly observing Listen open-hearted, still-minded, not yourself inwardly, perhaps eyes closed
responding,
not
commenting
or
questioning. What do you notice in your inquiry/ Be quietly attentive, resting your gaze on contemplation/
meditation?
Express the Speaker.
yourself authentically. End with “Thank you.” Switch roles.
End with “Thank you.” Switch roles.
Sample questions for dyads: When starting a new journey: what longing brought you here? What is your heart longing for? What gifts are you willing to offer? How much risk are you willing to take?
Resources for further reading about dyads: https://simoneanliker.com/thedyad-meditation-and-nvc/,
https://www.globaldyadmeditation.org/,
THE
POWER OF DYAD MEDITATION: The New Way of Meditating in Times of Loneliness and Social Stress, Simone Anliker, published in spring of 2020. 5. Keep journaling 2
The instruction and the following table comes from © 2020 Barbara C. Wiebe barbarawiebe@gmail.com www.ConsciousCommunication.info, https://www.consciouscommunication.info/wp/wpcontent/uploads/DYAD-MEDITATION-The-Practice.pdf
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We encourage you to start a journal and write down the situations from your life. Spot feelings which appeared as a result of a specific event and reflect on the met or unmet needs behind them. You may also try to guess while watching tv or movie the feelings and needs of the characters. Record your responses in your notebook. This can be shared and discussed in your practice group.
6. Silent empathy It can be very powerful, so either by yourself or within a group or in pair, connect with the intention and gift your silent, empathic presence to yourself or another person.
7. Diverse environments Often, it is much easier to identify with people who are “in our group”; it is easier to trust and understand them. To challenge this type of thinking, it is important to understand people who are “different” and “out of our group”. Each meeting and exchange with a person with beliefs different from yours and encounter for empathic listening is a practice. Widen your circle, use as many opportunities as you have to enter the conversation with a person from a different culture or country representing a different religion than yours and be curious. You may write this experience down in your journal and review it later.
NVC/CNVC NVC – Nonviolent Communication – is not a method, it is not a model either. It is an attitude we decide on while in a relationship with other human beings. Nonviolent stands for attitude and actions which consider our needs and the needs of the other individual and all the other humans. “NVC is based on the principles of nonviolence-- the natural state of compassion when no violence is present in the heart. NVC begins by assuming that we are all compassionate by nature and that violent strategies—verbal or physical—are learned behaviours taught and supported by the prevailing culture. NVC also assumes that we all share the same, basic human needs and that all actions are a strategy to meet one or more of these needs.” (CNVC website) If you want to explore more about NVC, we recommend searching for Marshall Rosenberg on youtube and also check out the website CNVC (The Center for Nonviolent Communication): https://www.cnvc.org/learn-nvc Fundacja Instytut Innowacji
CNVC - The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) is a global organisation that supports the learning and sharing of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). It helps people peacefully and effectively resolve personal, organisational, and political conflicts. The organisation was established by Dr Marshall B. Rosenberg – psychologist, mediator, author, teacher, peacemaker, and developer of nonviolent communication practice.
About the project „3C: Connection - compassion - contact”(2020-1-PL01-KA105-079514) is a project under the KA1 Erasmus + Programme in the sector of Youth. The training course took place in Krynica-Zdrój, Poland, 20.10 – 28.10 2022. The main aim of the project was to improve the quality of youth work in participating organisations and the long term and beyond by increasing staff competence in communication, conflict management and community building based on European values. The aim of the project was achieved by organising NVC training in Poland and follow-up, empathy-based activities in participating countries Partner organisations participating in this project: FUNDACJA INSTYTUT INNOWACJI (coordinating organisation) - Poland Neoi Ellados se Eyropaiki Drasi – Greece Green Spirit – Jordan Young Women Christian Association – Lebanon Centar Za Ruralen Razvoj - JIE Struga Zdruzenje – North Macedonia EURO SUD – Italy Egyesület Békéscsaba Ifjúságáért – Hungary MLADIINFO Montenegro – Montenegro Fondacija Za Pomoc Zrtvama Rata Krila Nade – Bosnia and Herzegovina Fa.bri.ka – Cyprus Bridge of Friendship Kartlosi – Georgia Hromadska
Orhanizatsiya
«Molodizhna
Orhanizatsiya
«Khrystyyanska
Asotsiatsiya
Molodykh Lyudey M. Boyarky » - Ukraine We invite you to follow our Facebook fan page to learn more about the project, its outcomes and follow-ups - https://www.facebook.com/InstytutInno...
This project has been co-funded with support from the European Commission. This publication reflects the views only of the author, and the Commission cannot be held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein.
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