Acknowledgements

Excoriation

Dermatillomania (n.): An obsessive-compulsive related disorder characterized by the repetitive picking at one’s own skin.

I.

Rip rip rip rip, Skin peeling off my flesh, Nails burrowing a trench Across my forehead, Jagged cuticles stripped, Bare and raw and bleeding.

A limp in my step, A self made wound the culprit, Throbbing under my big toe, A hole gouged out where there should be tissue. I hobble instead of turn In my ballet class.

A mirrored image, Distorted with red and pink And divots everywhere, The scabs and flakes in my hair Are far more noticeable than The tiny little bumps my fingers dug out.

Graphite on lines, blood smearing my homework. Dirty snowfall, skin flakes littering my clothes. Rusty nail clippers, weapons marring my body. Hours spent picking, trances stealing my time.

forty

II.

WhywereyougonesolongwhathappenedtoyourfacedidyoufalldidsomethinghityouyoukeepyournailssoshortifyoujustLEAVEITALONEitwillbefineitwould healjuststoppickingthat wouldmakeitbetteryou'rejustanxiousit’sjustabad habitdon’ttouchitwhat’sthatbandaidonyo urfaceyourskinisthemostcompromisedI’veseeninawhilejustLEAVEITALONEareyousure youhavethatdisorderI haven’theardofitwhyistherebloodonyoursheetswhyisyourmirrorsos mudgedanddirtyohIpopmypimplessometimestooIgetiteveryonefindsitkindofsatisfyingsometimesstopspendingsuchalongtimeinmybathroomyourskinisjustsoprettystopruiningityouwouldhavesuchanicefaceifonlyyouwould LEAVEITALONEIthinkyouneedtowearsomemakeuptodayohmygodwhydoyouhavesoresonyourscalpthatseemsreallyseriousyouneedtoseethedermatologistthatspothasgottensobadit hasn’thealedintwomonthsjuststoppickingjuststoppicking juststoppicking JUSTSTOPPICKING!JUSTSTOPPICKING!JUSTSTOPPICKING!

III.

Hey. It’s okay. I know what you’re talking about. I see you. Let me just hold you for a while.

I love you in your entirety, girl of jagged keratin, For the green eyes set in the face of scratches, For the loving touch of the hands rough with scars, For the soft hair covering the spots on the neck, For the gritted teeth in the face of the struggle to control your own body.

I know the picking and the tearing Is a virulent ambrosia dripping down your throat, Dopamine zinging to your brain while fingernails destroy What you fought to protect.

forty-one

These flaws and marks and scars Are also a part of the ridges and gullies That sculpt you.

But the blood on your hands And the scabs in your bathroom sink Will never be a stronger testament to who you are Than the way you gently rub on your moisturizer After a vicious episode, letting forgiveness Be the balm that soothes your stinging face.

Your hangnails and infections and The fingernails stripped down to the edges Can never be worth more than The way you cackle out loud and tap dance down the sidewalk And adorn your eyes with bright eyeshadows Rather than hide the wounds you wish weren’t there.

I love you.

IV.

Honey and polish and sweetness and time, Romance and serums and some peace of mind,

Notebooks and paintings and pencils and rest, Candles and car rides and self forgiveness,

Coffee and kindness and spironolactone, Lunch dates with friends so you don’t feel alone,

forty-two

Paw prints and long hikes and surrendering, Exhaustion and wisdom and golden rings,

This is how you heal broken skin.

V. Deliverance (n.): the action of being rescued or set free.

-Claire Brown

forty-three

forty-four

Faculty Sponsor Dave Reynolds, English Department Chair

Editors

Elisa Liu Claire Brown Quinn Lander

Athenaea Staff Maya Magee, Francis Zhou, Mason Burdett, Fiona Monahan, Analí Muciño, Anabelle Brown, Annaliese Fricke, Ari Child, Linda Pan, Sofia Al Ghamdi, Tory Jensa, Jocelyn Ni, and Malachi Miller.

Printed by Colt Print Services

Athenaea is a publication of Fountain Valley School of Colorado.

forty-five