Folio Weekly 12/09/15

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THIS WEEK // 12.9-15.15 // VOL. 29 ISSUE 37 COVER STORY

PLAY BALL?

[12]

Why is a South Florida attorney so interested in three of our school board members?

STORY BY JULIE DELEGAL

SPECIAL FEATURE

SHADES OF GREY

[16]

LOCAL LIT MAG adds depth to Northeast

Florida’s arts scene

FEATURED ARTICLES

WHAT DOES [10] JACKSONVILLE STAND FOR?

NOT SO SILENT NIGHT

[25]

BY AG GANCARSKI And when will it THROW OFF THE SHACKLES of the atavistic past?

BY NICK MCGREGOR Pop culture icon JOHN WATERS brings his lovably raunchy Christmas show to town

LIVE AND LOUDIE

[28]

BY MARLENE DRYDEN Self-deprecating singer/songwriter lives up to a NOBLE LEGACY — and leaves a legacy of his own

COLUMNS + CALENDARS OUR PICKS MAIL BRICKBATS & BOUQUETS LET THERE BE LIT JAG CITY FILM

6 8 8 9 11 23

MAGIC LANTERNS ARTS MUSIC LIVE MUSIC CALENDAR THE KNIFE DINING

23 25 27 29 31 32

BITE-SIZED LOOKIN’ FOR LOVE CROSSWORD/ASTRO CLASSIFIEDS I SAW U NEWS OF THE WEIRD

DISTRIBUTION

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EDITORIAL

EDITOR • Matthew B. Shaw mshaw@folioweekly.com / ext. 115 SENIOR EDITOR • Marlene Dryden mdryden@folioweekly.com / ext. 131 A&E EDITOR • Daniel A. Brown dbrown@folioweekly.com / ext. 128 WRITERS-AT-LARGE Susan Cooper Eastman sceastman@folioweekly.com CARTOONIST • Tom Tomorrow CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Rob Brezsny, John E. Citrone, Brenton Crozier, Josue Cruz, Julie Delegal, Jordan Ferrell, AG Gancarski, Claire Goforth, Dan Hudak, Shelton Hull, MaryAnn Johanson, Keith Marks, Pat McLeod, Nick McGregor, Jeff Meyers, Greg Parlier, Kara Pound, Chuck Shepherd VIDEOGRAPHERS • Doug Lewis, Ron Perry

DESIGN

ART DIRECTOR • Chaz Bäck cback@folioweekly.com / ext. 116 SENIOR GRAPHIC DESIGNER • Dana Fasano dfasano@folioweekly.com / ext. 117 PHOTO EDITOR/GRAPHIC DESIGNER • Dennis Ho dho@folioweekly.com / ext. 122 DESIGN INTERN • Madison Gross design@folioweekly.com / ext. 117 WEB CONTENT INTERN • Hudson Bäck

BUSINESS & ADMINISTRATION

BUSINESS MANAGER • Amanda Engebretsen fpiadmin@folioweekly.com / ext. 119 VICE PRESIDENT • T. Farrar Martin fmartin@folioweekly.com / ext.112

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FOLIO WEEKLY IS PUBLISHED EVERY WEDNESDAY THROUGHOUT NORTHEAST FLORIDA. It contains opinions of contributing writers that are not necessarily the opinion of this publication.

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DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 5

SABER DANCE FORCE FEST

FRI

11

“May The Force be with y’all!” Collective Con presents the Star Wars-fueled extravaganza Force Fest, featuring artist Carlos Cabaleiro, a performance by the Jedi Academy of North Florida and Flow Motion, a Jedi vs.

Sith lightsaber battle, DJ E/N/S spinning the nerdy hits, Gather 2 Game mobile gaming truck, cosplay contests, and vendors. Holy Yoda! 5-9 p.m. Friday, Dec. 11 at Hemming Park, Downtown, $6.12, forcefest.com.

OUR PICKS INDIE RAWK

SAT

12

HOLI-DANCE THE COMMUNITY NUTCRACKER

Now in its 24th year, The Community Nutcracker continues to be a stellar event for Northeast Florida fans of this classic holiday ballet. The production features a cast of 200 local children in a presentation of the much-loved fairytale story that chronicles the adventures on one very enchanted Christmas Eve. 8 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 12 and 1 p.m. Sunday, Dec. 13, The Florida Theatre, Downtown, 355-2787, $29-$85, jaxnutcracker.org, floridatheatre.com.

REASONS TO LEAVE THE HOUSE THIS WEEK

AUTOMAGIK

When it comes to sugar-sweet, pop-rock confections, Cincinnati dudes Automagik wear their twisted little hearts on their sleeves. Tunes like “Pop Kiss” and “Dark Daze” score points for their melodic riffage and, judging by the band’s unabashed goofy side, it’s a good chance that they have at least one Ween sticker on their vintage bong(s). 8 p.m. Tuesday, Dec. 15, with openers Gov Club and Honey Chamber, Burro Bar, Downtown, burrobarjax.com.

TUE

15

SWEET EXPERIENCE

SAT

12

AMELIA ISLAND COOKIE TOUR

Looking for a real treat of a seasonal experience? The Amelia Island Bed & Breakfast Association presents its annual Holiday Cookie Tour, which offers participants a sample of signature cookies at six inns and some seriously sweet seasonal decorations.

Noon-5 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 12. Horsedrawn carriages and trolley service are available, $25; $150 VIP includes a midweek stay at an inn of choice and a cookbook. A portion of the proceeds benefits Friends of the Fernandina Beach Library, ameliaislandinns.com/cookie-tour.

THE JOKE’S ON ME BRIAN REGAN

SUN

13

6 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

Comedian Brian Regan has built a career on the strengths of his expertise in dishing out relentless self-deprecating jokes with a healthy dose of good old sarcastic, observational humor. And feel free to bring the kids; Regan’s act is always clean and raunch-free. Unless, of course, he somehow loses it once he steps foot into Jacksonville. Woot woot! 8 p.m. Sunday, Dec. 13, The Florida Theatre, Downtown, 355-2787, $45, floridatheatre.com.

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 7

THE MAIL LAST WEEK’S COVER STORY “STRAIGHTENED Out at Eleven22,” by Claire Goforth, about a controversial video created by and shown at a popular local church, then shared on social media, certainly created a buzz on Folio Weekly’s social media accounts (and email inboxes).

GETTING THE STORY STRAIGHT Knowing many of the people of Eleven22, I know this definitely isn’t how this happened. Chauntel was never told that Jesus wouldn’t love her if she didn’t change – Joby loved her enough to tell her the truth, that Jesus loves you. Not some future version of you, but that’s not the kind of life that God wants for you. She came to Joby asking what he thought, not the other way around. Eleven22 is a movement for all people to discover and deepen their relationship with Jesus Christ. That’s all it’s ever been about and all it will ever be about, Jesus Christ. dallasthompson via folioweekly.com

TARGET MARKET What a bunch of hypocrisy going on at Folio Weekly. Why not write about some of the serious issues going on in our town and country. Instead targeting a good pastor and his family. Ridiculous.

Ash Santora via Facebook

ALL THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW Christianity and homosexuality aren’t really compatible. I don’t know why people are so surprised when these religious bigots show their true colors.

Adam White via Facebook

IDLE HANDS I see the devil is busy at Folio Weekly.

Michael Bowen Jr. via Facebook

OPEN CALL As an ordained Elder (clergy member) in the United Methodist Church, this story breaks my heart!

LGBTQ people already have plenty of reason not to trust churches – this kind of bait-and-switch just pushes people further away from our loving God! If you’re looking for an open, reconciling church that welcomes everybody, come to the church I serve as senior pastor: Avondale United Methodist Church on the corner of Herschel and Talbot Avenue in Jacksonville. (Contemporary worship at 8:45, Traditional at 11 on Sundays). We are diverse and committed to Jesus’ two most important commandments: Love God and love other people.

He said that none of the rest of the laws are as important as those two (Mark 12:28-31).

PastorClare via folioweekly.com

LEND YOUR VOICE If you’d like to respond to something you read in the pages of Folio Weekly, please send an email (with your name, address, and phone number for verification purposes only) to mail@folioweekly.com, visit us at folioweekly.com, or follow us on Twitter or Facebook (@folioweekly) and join the conversation.

CONTRIBUTORS TTIM GILMORE

“ “The Difference Between My Sister and Her P Photograph,” pg. 17

T Gilmore has been writing for Folio Weekly since the Tim mid-’90s. One of Northeast Florida’s most prolific writers, m Gilmore says, “I write compulsively. For no other reason G than that I can’t help it.” He has published numerous works th of fiction and non-fiction and also written for many local o publications including Arbus, Jacksonville Business Journal p and a The Florida Times Union. A Jacksonville native, Gilmore grew up on the city’s Westside and his non-fiction novels g have focused on the lives of Northeast Florida natives of note such as the pseudo-serial Nort killer Ottis Toole, the humanitarian leader Eartha White, and Jacksonville’s idiosyncratic historian Virginia King. This year, Gilmore began a semi-regular column for FW called “Let There Be Lit,” which seeks to introduce Northeast Florida writers and their current works to a larger audience. This week, he contributed a short fiction piece for our Perversion Folio Fiction Laboratory. Gilmore earned his doctoral degree from the University of Florida and currently teaches writing and literature at Florida State College at Jacksonville. For the last three years, Gilmore has organized the Jax By Jax literary festival. He lives in his beloved Riverside, a place that often appears in his writing.

BRICKBATS + BOUQUETS BOUQUETS TO CULTURAL COUNCIL OF GREATER JACKSONVILLE Last week, the Council announced the recipients of its third cycle of Spark Grants, allocating $70,000 among five individual artists and non-profit organizations that will use the money to implement temporary arts and cultural projects in the city’s Downtown.

BOUQUETS TO JASMYN The Jacksonville Area Sexual Minority Youth Network – a local LGBT advocacy group – announced last week its launch of a $1 million campaign to prevent and treat HIV/AIDS in Northeast Florida – one of the state’s most at-risk regions.

BRICKBATS TO RAYMOND JOHNSON As reported by our esteemed columnist A.G. Gancarski, on Dec. 2 (World AIDS Day) Johnson – a political consultant who has worked with multiple city councilmembers – posted a rant on Facebook in response to an article about the fundraising initiative mentioned in the Bouquet above, criticizing “city leaders” for “coddling sick people.”

KNOW SOMEONE WHO DESERVES A BOUQUET? HOW ABOUT A PROVERBIAL BRICKBAT? Send your submissions to mail@folioweekly.com. Submissions should be a maxium of 50 words and directed toward a person, place, or topic of local interest.

8 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

LET THERE BE LIT

WRITING THE

GHOSTS OF GEORGIA..

AND FRANCE

H

eather M. Peters writes roots, of finding in rural France the Georgia clay that cakes her father’s boots. In her new memoir Sinking in the Stillness, Peters writes the ghosts of her French and Cherokee forebears and how they branch across the bones of her face.

It began two years ago, as required responses in a University of North Florida writers’ workshop that took Peters and several friends to Provence, France with the artist Louise Freshman Brown and the novelist, artist, and musician Mark Ari. But back in Jacksonville, Provence took on a new life. Peters wrote of the Georgia she was surprised to find in France, and of the self she founded mirrored between continents.

Heather Peters appears predominantly in her own French memoir to tell us how she does not appear. She speaks of the names of goats, of vineyards, of a ruined castle.

“A small patch of nine poppies springs up in the middle of the path, right before the creek, a crossing that becomes something of a daily baptism for me. I stand in the center of the cold rush for a few moments with the bottom of my skirt bundled up in my hands, thankful for once for the calluses on my feet, and yet also for the rocks pressing into my arches. But mostly, I am thankful for the freezing water burning my legs.”

That’s as much of herself as she shows.

Peters writes of herself as apart. She writes from the top of a hill, “alone and separate from the world,” looking down at vineyards and “tiny stone houses,” an “expanse of blue mountain” in the distance.

She writes of the blue distance she keeps from groups, of her quiet departures from meals, but only as to frame particular observances: the magpies in a treehouse, the English word “REGRETS” in the small French graveyard. Heather Peters is an unusually private person, and though she jokes about her social anxieties, the distance she keeps feels not cold, but stunningly graceful.

She holds herself upright and her dark hair reaches down almost to her waist, as she points to the crows that hop beside our feet as I sip my coffee. She notices how one crow limps with a foot frozen in an unbroken grasp.

She writes of keeping distant, socially, of a heightened outsider anxiety and awareness in social settings, and I ask her if this position makes her a natural observer. “It makes sense,” she says, but says no more.

She tells me of an antique typewriter she found as a little girl hunting through her father’s closet. The machine mesmerized her, and when she began to write stories, she found its old ink ribbon only printed in red.

“I write about other people because I keep so much to myself,” Peters says. “I try to make up for that egocentricity.”

Indeed, Sinking in the Stillness reads at times like a roman à clef of other Jacksonville writers and artists. Local writers Caroline Fraley, Jeff Jones, Phillip Wentirine, and Mark Ari have sections named for them.

Caroline “goes freely, sleeping among the poppy fields and goldenrods slid so easily behind her ear. The current will break downstream, her eyes say.”

One night, Jeff and Phillip sleep on the ground “far out past the creek, with Caroline above them in her hammock.” The boys come back in the morning, covered in snails and dew, and Jeff has “lost the sadness in his eyes,” though “writers often have the eyes of the broken-hearted.”

When she writes of other writers, Peters writes, truly inadvertently, of herself.

Then there’s Ari, as though he has but one name, though his novel The Shoemaker’s Tale bears also “Mark.” Ari, Peters writes, “is a pair of worn-out snakeskin boots.” His laugh wells up from “the soles of his feet, the most honest sound you may ever hear.” She calls him “a father to people he never helped conceive” and writes of his reading his writers to sleep.

Heather Peters writes of Ari as she writes of countries and the poetry of provinces, and of her own father. She writes of rural Southeastern France as of rural Southeastern Georgia.

She’s “perched upon a large rock the color of fire-ant beds,” as “cicadas take flight,” with a “little green notebook” in her hands.

Provence blends with Valdosta, Georgia, and Hilliard and Jacksonville, Florida. “The soothing, familiar clicking of cicada wings is a welcomed sound when I miss my Southern cradle. Home is where the frogs sing gospel when it rains. And home is where the only sounds you hear at night are passing cars and police sirens.”

As a little girl in the cab of her father’s pickup, Peters saw the cursive Chevrolet slogan “Heartbeat of America” and read “Heartbeat” as “Heather.”

And the heartbeat of Sinking in the Stillness reverberates in Peters’ passion for magpies and her father’s grease-stained hands and French fields where “hitchhikers are welcome to sleep when they pass through on rainy evenings.”

Tim Gilmore mail@folioweekly.com

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 9

FIGHTIN’ WORDS

WHAT DOES

JACKSONVILLE

STAND FOR? And when will it THROW OFF THE SHACKLES of the atavistic past?

ON ONE SIDE, THERE ARE FOLKS WANTING TO move Jacksonville forward, a diverse coalition ranging from arts community leaders to business community and thought leaders.

On the other? People who would lead the city in a different direction; maybe not backwards, per se, but who would be happy to let the city’s forward momentum stall out, mooring the city in a mucky mire of backassward entropy.

Last week, I sat in on a presentation at the Jax Chamber, explaining the “truJAX” project. truJAX was intended to dispense with the moldy, irrelevant sloganeering of the last few decades, which produced such chestnuts as Where Florida Begins and The Bold New City of the South, and get at something larger.

The DNA of the city.

Jacksonville, said the panelists, is predicated on the “push and pull” of robust civic discourse, a process roughly analogous to our river, brackish, composed of a blend of fresh and salt water.

Jacksonville’s true identity, ultimately, is predicated on being a “global center for ideas, opinions, and commercial exchange,” based on “wide open opportunities,” a “culture of open attitudes,” “debate and discourse,” “transparent government,” and “environmental/commercial balance.”

Let that sink in for a hot minute.

Open attitudes?

Let’s look at that in the framing of the continuing debate over expansion of the Human Rights Ordinance.

Many cities have similar legislation. A common thread among them: Those cities are still standing.

They haven’t been rendered into pillars of salt by a wrathful God. They are thriving centers of commerce and culture. And their population is at least a little (and in many cases, a lot better off ) because their rights are protected.

Rights to not be fired because of sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression.

Most of you reading this have heard it all before, over and over again, going on four years now.

Yet it still has to be said.

Over and over again.

The HRO debate has brought out the lunatic fringe on the opposing side.

Preachers threatening to show up at galas in drag, before chickenshitting out. KKK flyers, deposited on the lawns of everyone from rabbis to members of the LGBT community. A bomb threat, made by a disturbed young man, who claimed he was going to target the second Community Conversation last week at Edward Waters College. And even more “mainstream” figures, like Republican political activist 10 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

Raymond Johnson, who’s done campaign work for Wes White, Doyle Carter, Matt Schellenberg, and others, who post vile shit about the LGBT community on the regular.

For example, this observation, posted to Facebook (with Mayor Lenny Curry tagged, so he would see this mess): “By their admission their [sic] is a problem in Jacksonville with Aides [sic?] and STD’s [sic] from in their own words ‘Men who have sex with men.’ Yet we hate because we want to love these people enough to help them and save them from these deadly diseases?”

Johnson, a lifelong bachelor who clearly doesn’t love the English language enough to proofread even the most basic Facebook post, closed with a provocative question.

“Why is [sic] our city leaders hating these people enough to coddle sick people in their illness [sic?] by giving them the special rights [sic?]?”

It’s easy to troll Raymond Johnson, yes. But here’s the thing. The debate, as constructed, offers a functional moral equivalency between atavists like him and Gene Youngblood and those who ultimately seek to just bring Jacksonville into alignment with what the business community and its thought leaders say Jacksonville’s “true DNA” is.

That moral equivalency is allowed to flower, even though the Curry Administration wouldn’t trust either of them on a live mic on one of their panels, because they knew it would be a shitshow if they did.

It’s Johnson and Youngblood who are presented as legitimate parts of the political discourse in articles in The New York Times, which are compelled to present the kind of “on one hand, but on the other hand” false objectivity that’s allegedly a hallmark of Real Journalism on hot-button social issues like the HRO. And that constitutes a branding problem.

That’s what makes “Bold New City of the South” such a big lie. Because we aren’t bold, at all, except when it comes to adding on to EverBank Field.

We can be bold on that. But we somehow can’t, for the good of the city, stand up and say: Atavistic, backward voices should be relegated to the dustbin of history, with slave owners, segregationists, and others who, once upon a time, would have been given the wide berth of moral equivalency, even as they conveniently oppressed others.

Until we get that part of the equation right, Jacksonville will never compete with the cities it so desperately wishes it was. And that is a goddamned shame.

AG Gancarski mail@folioweekly.com twitter/AGGancarski

JAGCITY

EIGHT IS ENOUGH Reruns of Jags’ dysfunctional family GETTING OLD

T

he Jaguars did it again, losing a winnable must-win game to a bottom-feeder team.

They fall to a dismal 4-8, buttressing something I read before the game: According to a chart put out by Nate Silver’s fivethirtyeight.com, Coach Bradley was (after “only” seven losses) the second most-likely coach in the NFL to get axed at the end of the year.

First most-likely? Chip Kelly, who has presided over the freefall of the Philadelphia Eagles.

After Sunday’s shootout, a 42 to 39 loss to a last-place team that hadn’t won at home in more than a year, Genial Gus might be in what Ludacris would call the Number One Spot.

At 35 to 32, the Jaguars had to answer back.

A pop fly of a shotgun snap went over Bortles’ head, rolling backwards into the end zone and, despite the best efforts of Marqise Lee, the Titans came up with it for the touchdown, and a 10 point lead, the biggest of the game.

Still, Jacksonville fired back, getting the ball back with 2:50 on the clock and 90 yards to go.

They hit fourth-and-game after three plays.

Under the weight of a jailbreak blitz, Bortles crumpled to the sod, and the Jaguars’ dimming postseason hopes faded ever closer to a funereal black.

The Jaguars held on defense, with fourthand-goal for the Titans with 23 ticks to go. A pass to the end zone went incomplete; however, an untimely DPI (another Jags mistake) sealed the game for the home squad.

The Jaguars, who looked competent on defense during a few games this season, got destroyed by Mariota and a no-name cast of skill players, led by the coach who went 2-14 in Jacksonville. Next week, the first-place Colts hit town, with whoever they choose to put under center waiting to pick this defense apart like the carcass of a Sunday dinner chicken.

A.G. Gancarski mail@folioweekly.com

…the rare Yeldon score had Jags fans throughout the nation lurching to their windows to see if, perhaps, UNICORNS WERE FLYING THROUGH THE SKY. On the list, at least.

Are the statistics folks right on this one?

Hard to make an empirical argument for a team with a .333 winning percentage, especially since this season is the third one in the Three Year Plan.

If that plan were proceeding as one would have hoped, the Jags would be in the mix in the AFC South, which is set up as well as it’s been in a while for a flawed team like Jacksonville to make the leap.

Instead, mistakes and mismatches, as well as another brutal performance by Kicker Jason Myers, sealed loss No. 8, and gradually eroding the narrative The Jaguars Are Playing Meaningful Games After Halloween For a Change.

Mismatches came to the fore, predictably, in the first half. The Jaguars, vulnerable to the depredations of tight ends for years, got eaten up again like those poor bastards in the Donner Party who didn’t make the final cut [pun intended]. Two TE TDs put Bradley’s Bunch down by eight in the second quarter.

Same as it ever was. However, something magical happened.

The Jaguars twice handed the ball near the goal line to, of all people, TJ Yeldon. And danged if miracles, beyond those worked at The Church of Eleven22, didn’t come true. Yeldon made it into the end zone.

The two-point conversion failed, but the rare Yeldon score had Jags fans throughout the nation lurching to their windows to see if, perhaps, unicorns were flying through the sky.

The Jags actually had a lead in the fourth quarter, 32 to 28, but then Stuff Happened.

Stuff like an 87-yard quarterback draw, taking advantage of a Jags’ blitz and the expected issues on the back end of the defense for a highlight-reel run from Marcus Mariota.

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 11

PLAY BALL? COVER STORY

Fernandez

Arza

Targeted public records requests could signal POLITICAL HARDBALL for three Duval school board members FOLIO WEEKLY HAS LEARNED THAT THREE OF Duval County’s seven sitting board members have been targeted for public records requests by Robert H. Fernandez, a litigation attorney who once served as Deputy General Counsel to Gov. Jeb Bush.

Fernandez, a partner in the Coral Gablesbased Zumpano Castro Law Firm, has issued two separate public records requests to Duval County School Board members Becki Couch, Dr. Connie Hall, and Paula Wright.

WHO IS ROBERT H. FERNANDEZ?

As Deputy General Counsel in the thenGovernor’s office, Fernandez served as a top lieutenant in Bush-brand education reform, particularly on school privatization efforts. Fernandez and one other attorney represented Jeb Bush in Florida’s landmark school voucher case, Bush v. Holmes. The Holmes case ended Bush’s plan for tax dollars to be used for private school vouchers. (Now, pre-treasury, “tax-credit” dollars are used for private school vouchers through the 501c3 organization, Step Up For Students.)

According to his firm’s website, Fernandez “… is considered one of the leading lawyers in South Florida on representation of elected officials and candidates on election and ethics law issues.”

Fernandez also once served as a reference for the cousin of charter school lobbyist Ralph Arza.

Hugo Arza listed Fernandez and one other Bush-affiliated attorney when he applied to serve on the Florida Schools of Excellence Commission in 2007. The 12 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

commission, which was designed to take charter school decisions out of the hands of local school districts, became defunct in 2008, when the First District Court of Appeals found it unconstitutional. Folio Weekly left a message for Fernandez on his office voicemail, but the call was not returned in time for our publication deadline.

WHO IS RALPH ARZA?

Ralph Arza resigned his seat in the Florida House of Representatives in 2006, before turning himself into the police for witnesstampering charges. He admitted to leaving an obscenity-laced voicemail message for fellow lawmaker Gus Barreiro, and to using a racial slur in that recording. Barreiro had previously filed a complaint against Arza for using a racial slur against a sitting schools superintendent. Arza pled guilty in the criminal matter, served probation and community service, enrolled in angermanagement classes, and apologized publicly for his actions.

Prior to the scandal, Arza was regarded as an important point-person in the Florida House for implementing Bush’s education reform initiatives. Arza, quoted often in the media as a longtime friend and adviser to presidential candidate Marco Rubio, now lobbies for the Florida Charter School Alliance. FSCA is one of several schoolprivatization advocacy organizations that are organized under the umbrella “Florida Alliance for Choice in Education,” or FACE. A vocal champion of school privatization, Arza told CBS affiliate

WPEC-TV Channel 12 in South Florida, “The parents decide where the money goes, not the school district.”

Charter schools have become more controversial in Palm Beach County recently, where, on Nov. 9, the school board voted 6-0 against opening a new CharterSchoolsUSA operation, citing a lack of innovative programming, which state statutes require.

Charter schools are privately run, publicly funded organizations. Charter schools operate in privately held real estate assets, which receive public dollars for capital improvements.

Palm Beach County is also challenging an appeal of its previous denial of a charter school application. The Florida Board of Education reversed the PBC board’s December 2014 decision to deny a charter application — Palm Beach County fired back in September 2015 by appealing to the Fourth District Court of Appeal. The Palm Beach County board says that it, not the state Board of Education, has the final say when it comes to regulating local PBC schools.

Republican lawmaker Manny Diaz (District 103) has all but acknowledged that the Palm Beach County School Board is right, by filing a proposed amendment to change the constitution. Diaz’s amendment would hand over local control of charter school approval to the state.

In an interview with The Palm Beach Post, Arza dubbed Palm Beach County as “ground zero” for what he calls an “open war” on charter schools. In a story run on WPEC-TV Channel 12, Arza said that his group will file an ethics complaint with the state regarding how the board handled the charter school applications. Arza did not specify in that interview how a vote against a charter school application could be construed as unethical.

Folio Weekly tried contacting Arza through his consulting firm, but Arza was unavailable for comment.

THREE SCHOOL BOARD MEMBERS IN PALM BEACH COUNTY ALSO TARGETED FOR PUBLIC RECORDS REQUESTS

One day after Arza told WPEC-TV12 he’d be filing an ethics complaint, the Palm Beach County School Board received a public records request from Fernandez, singling out Board Vice Chairman Frank Barbieri for his communications with 16 individuals and The Palm Beach Post. Those listed in the emailed Nov. 10 request included five of his six fellow board members, their local superintendent of schools, three members of the district’s legal staff, choice and charter school officials, and several other district officials.

On Nov. 16, Fernandez sent a second public records request targeted at the three PBC school board members who have indicated that they will be running for reelection: Barbieri, Board Chairman Chuck Shaw, and Mike Murgio. In that request, Fernandez asked for travel and travel-related reimbursement information, salary and benefit information, and non-travel-related reimbursement documents.

Ethics complaints against public officials are often based on public records regarding travel expenses. Jacksonville’s former mayor Alvin Brown was the target of an ethics complaint in June 2013, regarding donor-paid airline travel that was improperly recorded.

The Florida Commission on Ethics later dismissed the complaint against Brown. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and Alaska’s former governor Sarah Palin have also been called on to defend ethics complaints based on travel expenditures discovered through public records requests.

HAS ARZA’S “OPEN WAR” MOVED NORTH TO DUVAL COUNTY?

In his capacity as charter school lobbyist, Arza was in the audience of a Duval County School Board meeting during which the board voted to approve the area’s eighth Charter Schools USA operation. District officials had recommended denial of the CSUSA application twice before, noting that the company’s governance structure conflicted with state statutes.

The vote to approve the CSUSA school was held on Oct. 20, and Couch, Hall and Wright were on the losing end of that 4-3 decision.

Folio Weekly has learned that Arza requested a private meeting with Becki Couch, who once served as chairman of Duval’s school board. When Couch offered,

via email, to meet with him in a noticed, public setting and to include Hall and Wright in the meeting, Arza politely declined.

The email exchange requesting a private meeting between Couch and Arza began on Sept. 9. On Sept. 15, Arza expressed that while he’d be willing schedule an open meeting with charter school stakeholders and the district, he wanted a meeting “between you and me.” Arza wrote further: “I have heard a lot about you and wanted to speak with you directly about some issues that have recently come up.” Couch responded, declining Arza’s invitation.

Folio Weekly is submitting a public records request to all seven board members regarding communications with Arza and other schoolprivatization proponents.

FERNANDEZ’S PUBLIC RECORDS REQUESTS

On Nov. 10, Fernandez emailed the first of two public records requests, both of which regarded only Couch, Hall and Wright.

Addressed to Duval County Schools Chief of Legal Services Karen Chastain, Fernandez’s first request asks for three items regarding those members: 1) TRAVEL: All travel in-district and out-of-district reimbursements with copies of original receipts for the past 12 months 2) SALARY AND BENEFITS information for each 3) ANY NON-TRAVEL REIMBURSEMENTS provided to each.

Fernandez’s second request was emailed on Nov. 16. It similarly takes aim at the same three board members, seeking communications between and among the three members, as well as with nine others. Here is Fernandez’s second request, in pertinent part: Please provide these documents for School Board members Becki Couch, Paula Wright and Connie Hall in electronic form if so available, and if not so available, in hard copy: Any and all communications, including but not limited to text messages from any private cell number(s) and private email(s) being used for public business or public communications, between these School Board members and the

CONTINUED NEXT PAGE >>>

In September, Ralph Arza (right) requested a private meeting with Duval School Board member Becki Couch, who once served as chairman. In November, South Florida litigation attorney Robert Fernandez filed the first of two public records requests, seeking information about Couch and several other board members’ travel and “any and all” communications related to “any and all” Duval school district business.

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 13

PLAY I BALL? <<< FROM PREVIOUS

following individuals for the last 60 days related to any and all School District issues/business: Paula Wright Michelle Begley Lisa Loehnert Karen Chastain Bradford Hall W.C. Gentry

Connie Hall Cathy Maycott Bonnie Cole Carol Chapman Carrie Brown Betty Burney

The last two on the list are former school board members.

Cole is the board’s former secretary, and Chastain is an attorney with the district.

Bradford Hall was thought to be slated to run against Paula Wright and Darryl Willie in Duval County’s District 4 School Board race in 2014, but withdrew from the race before filing.

Asking for communications with a laundry list of individuals who may have communicated with Couch, Hall, or Wright may be an attempt to trap officials in Sunshine law violation claims, based on the idea that third parties could act as proxy communicators with school board members on particular votes. Sunshine law prohibits two or more public officials from communicating on public business without a noticed, public meeting.

When asked about the public records requests, Couch told Folio Weekly, “There’s nothing to see because we all follow the law.

It just takes up staff time.”

n last week’s Folio Weekly (see “Boundary Issues,” Dec. 2 by Julie Delegal), we reported on an extensive list of program- and boundary-change proposals from Duval County Schools Superintendent Dr. Nikolai Vitti.

Up to 30 schools could be affected, 24 of them on Jacksonville’s Northside and Westside.

New magnet schools would mean that old attendance zones have to be reworked. A new, controversial autism center would send neighborhood students to schools farther away. And the proposal to separate six elementary schools into upper and lower elementary schools, serving either preK-2 or grades 3-5, will put some big brothers and sisters at a distance from their younger siblings, which could make walking to school much harder for many families.

School-based working groups are still evaluating the suggestions, and the community will have time to respond once the Superintendent makes his final recommendations this month.

Julie Delegal mail@folioweekly.com

Upper-grades elementary: 3-5 Lower-grades elementary: preK-2

DISTRICT 1

DISTRICT 6 BECKI COUCH • Hyde Park Elementary (would become an upper level elementary school) • Stillwell Middle School (conversion to a performing arts middle school) • Ed White High School (conversion to a grade 6-12 military magnet school)

14 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

CHERYL GRYMES • Ft. Caroline Middle School (would become the Young Men’s Leadership Academy) • Arlington Middle School (would take rezoned students from Ft. Caroline) • Terry Parker High School (would take rezoned students from Wolfson)

4

DISTRICT 3

DISTRICT 2

ASHLEY SMITH-JUAREZ • Wolfson High School (conversion to a dedicated International Baccalaureate magnet school)

SCOTT SHINE • Landmark Middle School (would take rezoned students from Ft. Caroline Middle)

1

DISTRICT 7

295

5

95

A1A

2

10

6

A HISTORY OF HARDBALL

School privatization proponents have been known to play political hardball against local school board members who disagree with “choice” initiatives. In the year leading up to 2014 school board elections, Florida Federation for Children, a pro-charter school and voucher school electioneering and communications organization, or ECO, collected $1.3 million to use in campaigns of its choice, which may have also included legislative campaigns. John Kirtley is founder of Florida’s private school voucher program, Step Up For Students, and chairman of the Federation. He took credit that year for unseating local school board incumbents — across the state — who voted against the Bush-brand privatization agenda.

Kirtley, a venture capitalist who lives in Tampa, is a partner in the equity firm KLH Capital, and is a named director for one of KLH’s investments, Uretek Holdings. Duval County School Board member Jason Fischer works for Uretek and denies any conflict of interest in voting on charter school matters.

Fischer’s direct supervisor at Uretek is Kathleen Shanahan, who served as Board of Education Chairman under former governor Jeb Bush.

Fischer voted to approve the Charter Schools USA application on Oct. 20. He is currently running for a seat in the Florida House, in the elections to be held next year.

Julie Delegal mail@folioweekly.com

WILL YOUR CHILD’S SCHOOL BE AFFECTED?

3 95

7

1 295

DISTRICT 4 PAULA WRIGHT • R.L. Brown Elementary (would become a performing arts and Project Lead the Way magnet) • First Coast High School (would rezone some ninth-graders to Ribault High to relieve overcrowding) • Highlands Middle (would take rezoned students from Oceanway Middle School) • Long Branch Elementary (would become an upper-grades elementary school) • Jackson High School (would become a robotics and genetics magnet) • John Love Elementary (would become a lower-grades elementary school) • North Shore Elementary (would become a K-8 school and take rezoned sixth-grade students from Northwestern Middle) • Northwestern Middle School (would become a performing arts magnet middle school) • Oceanway Middle School (would shift boundaries to relieve overcrowding) • Ribault Middle School (would take rezoned sixth-grade students from Northwestern) • Ribault High School (would take rezoned ninthgrade students from First Coast) • Randolph High School (would be fully converted to a workforce development preparation school)

JASON FISCHER • Atlantic Coast High School (would take rezoned students from Wolfson)

SOURCES: Reporting, Supervisor of Elections, Duval County, Florida

DISTRICT 5 DR. CONNIE HALL • Cedar Hills Elementary (Would take some rezoned Oak Hill Students) • Eugene Butler Middle School Young Men’s Leadership Academy (would move to Ft. Caroline Middle School) • Eugene Butler Middle School Young Women’s Leadership Academy (would expand in place) • Gregory Drive Elementary (would take some rezoned Oak Hill students) • Hyde Grove Elementary (would become a lower-grades elementary) • Jacksonville Heights Elementary (would take some rezoned Oak Hill students) • Oak Hill Elementary (would become a preK-5 autism center) • Raines High School (would take some rezoned students from Andrew Jackson) • S.P. Livingston Elementary (would become an upper-grades elementary) • West Jacksonville (would become a lowergrades elementary)

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 15

SPECIAL FEATURE SHADES OF GREY

SHADES of GREY Local lit mag adds depth to Northeast Florida’s arts scene

ather than pro sports teams, or bustling nightlife, it could be argued that the true measure of any thriving urban cultural hub is the number of upstart literary magazines — in various stages of production — that are being created. While alt-weeklies like Folio Weekly have traditionally filled their editorial ranks with artists and musicians — allowing them an outlet to lend their idiosyncratic perspectives and shed light on issues in ways that only independent publications permit — often, it’s a city’s lit mags that serve as a landing area for large numbers of completed (and half-completed) works, bursts of inspiration, and pieces just hell-bent on provocation, all created by artists of various backgrounds in various mediums.

In this regard, the talented folks at Perversion Magazine, which was featured in our very own Tim Gilmore’s regular “Let There Be Lit” column just a few months back, are serving the Northeast Florida arts community well. Based in Jacksonville, Perversion publishes art, prose, poetry, fashion, and photography from a diverse group of artists. The issue that hits the streets on Saturday, Dec. 12 will be the magazine’s fourth.

And the timing couldn’t be better. With the third issue of another local lit mag, Bridge Eight currently in the works, another successful Jax by Jax literary event in the books, and the Perversion/Folio Fiction Laboratory that follows this introduction, it seems the 904 has never before let there be this much lit.

Now, usually we’d dedicate the next few pages to telling you all there is to know about this new addition to the region’s arts community. That’s sort of our thing. But, in the spirit of collaboration, we decided we’d tap into some of what the folks at Perversion do so well and offer a fiction feature unique to the pages of this magazine. Though we’ve told some bizarre, outlandish — yet true — tales in the past, to my knowledge, this is the first time in FW’s 28-year history that we’ve run works of fiction as our feature story. (As my bosses can attest, there may be a reason for this). In any event, we hope you enjoy this literary debut.

Matthew B. Shaw mshaw@folioweekly.com

16 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

THE PERVERSION/FOLIO FICTION LABORATORY

h

ello. We’re Perversion Magazine, and you might not have heard of us. Our magazine, which falls somewhere between a magazine and an art book, publishes art, prose, poetry, fashion, and photography submitted by artists and writers from around the world.

We’ve come together with the lovely people at Folio Weekly to collaborate on a feature. As it so happens, collaborating is what we do best.

On the following pages, you’ll read stories and view photographs by our staff writers, staff photographers, two regular contributors (one of whom is a columnist for Folio Weekly as well), and FW’s editor — all of which was designed and laid out by FW’s talented art department. We have a special name for the ensuing pieces: Co-Labs — writers take a photo and create a story about it, having little knowledge of the photo’s actual context, inventing their own instead. These types of collaborations often bring out the best work.

If you enjoy our brand of storytelling, be sure to find us online at perversionmag.com and on social media at (@perversionmag).

Sam Bilheimer Editor in Chief, Perversion Magazine

PERVERSION PARTY

Perversion Magazine Issue 4 release party is held 10 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 12 at Root Down Bar, 1034 Park St., 5 Points; $5 advance, $10 at the door.

Attire is black-and-white. Tickets at perversionmag.com.

photo by Dennis Ho

r

The Perversion Magazine crew (from left to right): Jon Taveras, Hurley Winkler, Christine Kegel, Sam Bilheimer, Carl Rosen, Dana Shannon, Sean Ferguson, Lexi Mire, Jesse Brantman, Taylor Doran

SPECIAL FEATURE SHADES OF GREY

DIFFERENCE between my SISTER and HER PHOTOGRAPH

the

story by

TIM GILMORE

art by

JESSE BRANTMAN

At first I walk past her.

I don’t.

It’s her photograph I pass.

She pulls me back.

Or the image does.

My sister Rose. I haven’t seen her in 11 months.

Her background blurs behind her.

Behind yellowed glass at the CITGO Gas and Snack, she, no, it — the image, declines her head of short dark hair.

But this image is not my sister, and its presence here makes no sense to me.

“Excuse me,” I say, stepping inside, approaching the burglar-barred counter.

A young Pakistani man with thick dark hair and a thicker moustache meets my urgency.

“Uh, the girl in the window,” I stammer. “Why is she there?”

Hastily, without answer, without permission, I reach behind a shelf of canned boiled peanuts and pull the glossy 8x10 from the glass.

The last two years, Rose’s behavior had grown increasingly strange. She’d imagine neighbors watching through her windows.

She’d make consecutive weekend trips to long-abandoned farmsteads in central Georgia, ride empty buses all night through the city.

I take the photograph home.

Two days later, Wednesday morning, I see the same picture in the window and take it home. Saturday morning, too.

Monday morning, I find her picture the fourth time. I inspect the brass button earring. She’s dressed for the cold, caked in black.

“She comes every night,” the cashier says, “but no one notices.” It’s the first explanation I’ve heard. No printed warning, no Have You Seen this Woman?, has accompanied my sister’s image.

“Each morning, items are gone from the shelves. The security camera from

the night before shows the same still photograph.”

I don’t understand. Exactly the same image? And why would my sister, vanished all this time, steal pork rinds and condoms from a gas station?

“I’ll wait for her tonight,” I say.

I miss her terribly. When our parents died within two years of each other, our father in a car accident, our mother in that awful Baymeadows GMAC mass shooting, Rose and I numbly leaned into each other. The rest of the world disappeared. Then Rose did, too.

She never comes. She’s never stolen a thing, I know it, but the cameras catch the same image.

I wait nightly for w weeks. Her image comes, b but never Rose. They’ll never catch her, but the cameras catch her image.

There’s no ghost in this concrete, no soul in the fluorescent lights, and though every day, people mistake images for people, the difference leaves me as lost as my sister. You can’t pose your way into being.

Aunt Edda’s Facebook page sent us automatic messages long after she’d died of a stroke.

I need to search for Rose in the same infrastructure where I might correspond with Aunt Edda. Rose moves through those circuits. Her image jumps those hyperlinks. It declines its head, puts its hand through its hair.

But my sister never comes. Nor her ghost. She’s become but pixels, screen, an image, and my sister’s image does not know me.

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 17

SPECIAL FEATURE SHADES OF GREY

i

DROWNED

t broke above the surface of the water and floated there. There story by was no extension of hip. No gluteal clench.

No lift of long white legs and curled feet that might then plunge into the spine’s arch, pushing a perfect head above the chop. No hands to rub salt from eyes. No eyes. No hair to whip a spray. Nothing but a woman’s bottom bobbing on the water.

There were people on less lonely stretches of sand not so far away they wouldn’t hear if I yelled with all I had. Instead, I looked at the extraordinary object and wondered what one can do with what one can’t see when there is so much of that.

We fill unknowing with make believe. We’re so remarkably good at it, we almost get by. We think we do. It’s like surviving under water by pretending to breathe.

I told myself she had been on a boat with her sister. It was a small vessel steered by the throttle arm coming off the motor. The engine was off. They had wine and wanted to drift. That was her idea. She had slept with her sister’s husband a month earlier while her sister was in New York shepherding a group of eighth-graders on a class trip. She wanted that off her chest.

When they were halfway through the second bottle, she told her sister about the husband. Her sister said she was all right with it. She asked her sister how that could

i

wake up in a forest, in a cold glass tomb.

I push off the lid, surprised by how light it is, step out of the tomb, and stretch. I cannot remember the last time I stretched. The pull and release of tension is lightning through my body.

The forest looks ordinary.

Green and dark. But it’s daytime, and tiny slits of light shine down through the thick canopy of leaves above.

Two young boys stand in the distance. I approach them, slowly. They are holding sticks like rifles, pointing them at each other. Their clothes are rags, their hair unkempt and full of grease, and they have small pouches attached to their belts that say: CLEAN O2. Each pouch has tube that connects to a small black device on the boys’ necks.

MARK ARI

be true. And when her sister asked, in turn, if she wanted her to be angry, she said yes. art by But you’re still my sister, her sister said.

So she described that night a month ago when she and her sister’s husband were watching Bogart and Bacall in TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT. There was wine then, too. Near the end of the film, when Bacall swayed her hips and folded into Bogart’s arm while Hoagie Carmichael played piano, she got off the couch to imitate the move and liked the way her sister’s husband looked at her. He was obvious. She finished her glass, stepped between his legs, and knelt to undo his belt. He stroked her hair.

Her sister sat on the gunwale, splashing feet in the water. We should swim. She replied, you’re not listening.

How can you not listen? I’m too upset with you to swim.

Her sister laughed. Come on.

We’ll take turns. One of us should stay in the boat. All right, she said stiffly. Turns.

I walked away from the ocean and through the sawgrass at the beach’s edge to sit on the lawn of a big house where an exaggerated dog barked through a glass wall. I could still see the woman’s bottom from there. Smaller. Compressed. I wondered if it would sink after a time, or if other bottoms would float to the surface like that one had done. Twenty. A hundred and more. Until the ocean was thick with them.

CARL ROSEN

I have been ASLEEP for a very LONG TIME

18 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

story by

SAL BILHEIMER

art by

LEXI MIRE

The larger boy lowers his stick and says to the other boy, “I won’t shoot if you won’t shoot.”

The smaller boy says, “That’s what you said last time,” and doesn’t lower his stick.

“But I mean it this time.”

“Okay, fine.” The smaller boy throws his stick to the ground.

The larger boy does not throw his stick to the ground.

He raises it up, points it at the smaller boy, and says, “Bang!

You’re dead!”

“No fair!” says the smaller boy as he falls to the ground.

I say, “That wasn’t very nice.”

The boys look at me, eyes wide, then run. They run toward the bright white at the edge of the forest. When I reach the edge, the boys are nowhere to be found. I stand there in the warmth. There is nothing beyond this forest.

I have been asleep for a very long time.

SPECIAL FEATURE SHADES OF GREY

GATHERING SOUNDS story by

MATTHEW B. SHAW art by

i

CARL ROSEN

l

l

l

can’t remember the first time I came down here. Or which train I took. I don’t remember scanning my Clipper card, walking down the escalator, or choosing the correct side of the track to stand on. I certainly don’t remember doing any of this with any forethought of the process — or, without knowing what a Clipper is.

Maybe it’s because there are more than a handful of these underground stations; all of them alike.

Things happen down here.

But it all seems designed to inspire obedience.

The smell, the still air, the fast walking, the monotone female voice foreboding the arrival of one and/or two car trains; all similarly indistinctive.

The truth was, I’d been having a rough go of it. A foggy patch, though I hadn’t yet coined that term for it.

Not to be a downer, but I don’t believe in fate. Not with a capital “f ” or any incarnation of something deemed “a fateful event.” Life is full of meaningless coincidences. But instead of experiencing them passively, we assign them meaning out of … I don’t know … boredom.

There was a coincidental encounter I had on a train down here one time, though.

Robert Waters (no relation to John).

With all the trains running through all these indistinctive tunnels — and all the people being ushered along by the monotone female voice — I ran into Waters, a guy from my hometown — nearly 3,000 miles away.

Always the collector, he had come out to accumulate sounds. Like me, he was one who’d made himself up. Or, to be more accurate, was in the process of doing so. I’d been here longer. And so, my self was arguably more cemented; though this foggy patch threatened to unravel all that I’d become.

I was on the N-train heading east toward the city. Waters said he’d been renting a place at the Boyd Hotel on Jones Street.

I remembered it for the woman out front, wearing a trash bag as a blouse, and speaking in the language and at the volume of the neighborhood who’d tried to grab my ass on the way in.

Waters laughed when I told him I didn’t have any leads on new sounds.

“Broken glass? Screams?

Firecrackers?” he asked, as he pulled out a Klean Kanteen from his backpack, unscrewed the lid and passed it over to me.

I shook my head and, without making eye contact, took a sip of the brown liquor from the Kanteen.

“How are you liking California?” he asked.

“I’m in no mood to talk religion,” said I. Waters looked around, smiled and pulled his tuft of blonde hair back, revealing his high hairline as he left his hand resting on the top of his head.

“Wanna come by and see what I’ve gathered?” he asked, catching his reflection in the empty blackness of the train’s window.

“Hell, yeah,” said I. Perhaps this was a chance to lift the fog for a bit.

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 19

SPECIAL FEATURE SHADES OF GREY

IN the SUN too LONG story by

HURLEY WINKLER art by

LEXI MIRE

i

went outside to lie on the dock. I was wearing that dress, the same color of the sherbet we ate that whole summer, and my hair was long. It was so long, I tucked it behind my ears every minute that year.

I went outside to lie on the dock.

Outside, I ran, because I couldn’t bear to look at your face anymore. It wasn’t what you’d done the night before; I just needed to not see you for a while.

I tried to gather some shade there on the dock, but the sun was shining so bright. My legs fell between the shadows of the ladder’s arms. I fell asleep like that, lying on the dock. I slept. I dreamt. When I woke up, I watched my chest rise and fall as the river’s half-waves rocked the dock.

When I came back into the house, you noticed the sunburn on the tops of my shoulders instead of noticing me.

You stood there at the butcher block, chopping onions for that soup you’d always make for the two of us.

— What did I tell you about staying in the sun too long? you asked me.

Your question was more of a rhetorical reminder, eliciting apology instead of an answer.

— Sorry, I said to you.

— Go get the aloe plant from the porch, you said, still chopping. The onion smell stung my eyes as you talked; you didn’t flinch. — It’s next to the rocking chair.

Through the screen door, I went out to the porch to find the aloe plant. You had so many plants on our porch that summer, and as the months grew warmer, it got harder to walk between the pots.

20 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

I tiptoed between your terra cotta pots, avoiding cactus needles, until I came to the aloe’s leaves growing as tall as my legs.

I held the pot in both hands and wobbled back inside with it, bringing it to you in the kitchen. I set it down next to you on the block.

— What were you doing out there all day? you asked, this time seeming in need of a reason.

— Oh, you know, I said, though you did not. — I slept. I thought about things.

— What did you have to think about for so long out there in the sun? you asked.

Then you stopped chopping the onions. I thought you had enough of them there on the block. My eyes still winced from the sting in the air.

You slid the aloe’s pot across your butcher block. You held on to the top of a stalky leaf. And it shocked me when you took your knife and cut into the plant with the onion oil dripping, ripping the top of the aloe from its roots. I gasped at the sound of the knife tearing through it.

— Come here, you said. And before I could feel relief from not having to answer any more of your questions, you shoved the saw of the plant into my back.

You dug into my sunburnt skin with it, and you rubbed it in. I gasped, trying not to scream. I felt the aloe’s gel seep into the strap of my dress, staining the sherbet color with its green. You kept digging, digging the hole into my shoulder.

— What did I tell you about staying in the sun too long? you asked. You never wanted an answer.

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 21

SPECIAL FEATURE SHADES OF GREY

OXYGEN and APOLOGIES story by

CARL ROSEN art by

JESSE BRANTMAN

i

’ b ’ve been thinking hi ki about b oxygen a lot — more specifically not having enough oxygen — like being in space and finding a small tear in my suit and suffocating, but really slowly. And my insides become cold and inanimate.

There isn’t any sound. I’m a rat trapped inside a vacuum dying, but I can still hear the scientists laughing at me on all sides.

They’re laughing because I don’t know anything about anything. And I start to laugh because it’s funny. We laugh. But there’s no sound and there never has been.

And I die.

I’m reborn into a speck of dirt with complete consciousness and mental faculties. And I know I’m a speck of dirt, and I just don’t want to be stepped on, even though I’m dead.

Right now, I’m this speck of dirt that died and doesn’t know anything. And I’m lying here. And I’m okay with my stupidity and the darkness.

And I’ve been thinking about oxygen a lot and space and how many nauseating streams-of-consciousness-tangents I read from creative writing students and how I’m making you suffer that same fate by reading this. And I’m sorry. I really am.

I’m sorry for everything.

22 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

A+E FILM A&E// //FILM

COMMIE

Bryan Cranston stars in an engaging look at the hysterical age of Hollywood and the COMMUNIST SCARE

DEAREST F

or a prestige drama about one of the more shameful periods in American history, Trumbo is surprisingly funny. And thank God for that. It feels good to laugh at the idiocy surrounding the 1950s Hollywood blacklisting, if only so that you don’t have to think too much about how widespread support for the most un-American things — all in the name of America — has been a constant refrain in American public discourse. Of course, Trumbo can’t make you forget that this crap is going on right now, or that it isn’t dangerous; the movie is more whistling past the graveyard, because laughing is a fine change of pace over crying.

It’s quite marvelous how director Jay Roach — whose prior films have all been outrageous (sometimes outright stupid) comedies such as Meet the Fockers and the Austin Powers series — balances the silly and the solemn here.

There’s almost — not quite, but almost — a whiff of something Coen Brothersy in its slick sharpness. As screenwriter Dalton Trumbo, Bryan Cranston finds a kind of infectious joy in the terrible and unjust situation of being “accused” of something — being a member of the Communist Party — that isn’t illegal, and being punished for standing on principle: that he’d done nothing wrong and he wasn’t going to rat out his friends to save his own skin.

Trumbo was probably the best-known victim of the blacklisting that caused him to be denied work and even sent to prison, and the impact on his life and work was huge. He was forced to write movies under false names, often for obscenely low pay, and even won Oscars he couldn’t publicly acknowledge. Yet Trumbo

CINEMATIC GIFTS

LOOKING FOR A PERFECT BUT INEXPENSIVE Christmas gift for the movie fan in your life? I’ll tell you about four new Blu-ray box sets, which any dedicated fi lm fan would love to find under the tree. The films are all classics, age-wise: the youngest released in 1970, the oldest in 1933.

They’re not all great, but they’re representative of their respective genres, looking better than ever since their first theatrical releases decades ago.

“Special Effects Collection,” the first set from Warner Brothers, includes Son of Kong (1933), Mighty Joe Young (’49), The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms (’53), and Them! (’54). All of these features make their debut in Blu-ray, but of special interest to fans of the genre are the last two. Based on a story by Ray Bradbury, Beast (with Ray Harryhausen’s terrific stop-action animation) was the first film to feature a giant monster spawned by the A-Bomb. Among its direct descendants was the future Godzilla.

Them! follows the same theme, this time with giant ants on the loose. Suspenseful and genuinely creepy (particularly before the ants really appear), the movie features winning performances by James Arness and James Whitmore. Arness, who’d played the alien in The Thing (1951), went on to wear a badge for 20 years as Marshall Matt Dillon on TV’s Gunsmoke. More trivia: Peter Graves (Airplane!) was his brother.

treats this all as a lark, a grand adventure and, fairly be deemed the Ann Coulter of her day; above all, fodder for creative inspiration.

Trumbo makes her look like a tiny terrified In a less beautifully accomplished film, rodent. A dangerous tiny, terrified rodent, to saying that it treats something so grave as a be sure, but one to be regarded with pity, and lark would seem harsh. The astonishing thing responded to with disdain. about Trumbo is that its lighthearted approach Trumbo is not kind to Trumbo, either. It is in fact, deadly earnest. It buoys every gives him a foil in fellow screenwriter Arlen single point it has to make about freedom of Hird (a fictional composite of other real-life speech and of thought, and about having the blacklisted screenwriters); comedian Louis C.K. is astonishingly good in his most dramatic courage of your convictions. When you have role yet, as an angry straight man no interest in selling your soul, you to Trumbo’s insouciant exuberance. have to laugh in the face of those TRUMBO Hird decries Trumbo for how he who, in all seriousness, want to buy. ***G “talk[s] like a radical but … live[s] The film mines much of its ironic Rated R like a rich guy,” and is even more humor from depictions of fear and committed to changing the world betrayal in an industry devoted to and than Trumbo. Hird paints Trumbo as the driven by profit, populated by insecure people classic Hollywood liberal cliché, and it’s tough terrified of losing wealth and privilege, willing not to agree with Hird. But it’s also impossible to sell out to maintain their positions. (The not to see even classic-cliché-Hollywoodfilm’s undercurrent may ask, “How can such liberal Trumbo as an outsider. For all the many an industry be truly liberal?”) The villains are movies Hollywood loves to make about itself those who pander to public fear and ignorance, and its foibles, this may be the one that cuts the such as gossip columnist Hedda Hopper (Helen deepest into its own self-fantasies.

Mirren, in one of her great performances), who MaryAnn Johanson sees existential threats to America everywhere mail@folioweekly.com and responds with vicious cruelty; she could The second gift set, “Hammer Horror Collection,” also from Warner Brothers, has an eclectic grab bag from the Hammer Horror Factory, an English studio that reinvented the classic Universal monsters of the ’30s and ’40s with color, cleavage, and gore. The best of the group is The Mummy (’59) with Peter Cushing battling Christopher Lee wound up in bandages.

Two of the films are lesser entries in the Dracula series (eight were produced, six starring Christopher Lee as the Count), the third is from the Frankenstein series (seven were filmed, all but one starring Peter Cushing as the Baron).

Dracula Has Risen from the Grave (’69) has the bloodsucker accidentally revived by a priest while a group of decadent pleasure-seekers (in the vein of Oscar Wilde’s Dorian Gray) do the same in Taste the Blood of Dracula (’70).

The best Hammer Draculas are the first three – Horror of Dracula (’58), The Brides of Dracula (’66), and Dracula, Prince of Darkness (1966) with Lee in the first and third. Other than the two films in this set, the only other Hammer Dracula out on Blu-ray is Prince of Darkness.

Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed (’70), also in this, is the second-to-last in the Frankenstein cycle starring Cushing. Thus far, it’s also the only title in the series out on Blu-ray. The good news (for fans like me) is that this collection is Horror Classics: Volume One. The best (I hope) is yet to come.

Switching genres, Warner Bros. has also released a nicely packaged four-film collection,

MAGIC LANTERNS

Musicals. Two of the films are already out on Blu-ray – Singin’ in the Rain (’52), said by many to be the best Hollywood musical ever, and Kiss Me Kate (’53), in which Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew is put to the music of Cole Porter in 3-D. Great stuff!

Making their debut on Blu-ray are two more very different but thoroughly winning musicals from 1953 – The Band Wagon with Fred Astaire and Cyd Charisse and Calamity Jane with Doris Day as the singin’ gal in buckskins and Howard Keel as Wild Bill Hickock. While all four films in this group won one or more Oscar nominations, the only winner was Calamity Jane for Best Song (“Secret Love”). Go figure.

For the art house fans, you can’t do better than The Apu Trilogy by the great Indian director Satyajit Ray, filmed over a period of five years between 1955 and 1959. Right up there with Bergman, Fellini, Truffaut, and Godard, Ray was an international fi lmmakers who proved that the movies could be art as well as entertainment.

Nary a Grinch nor Scrooge in this bunch.

Pat McLeod mail@folioweekly.com DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 23

FILM LISTINGS FILM RATINGS

B.B. KING **** FREDDIE KING **@@

ALBERT KING ***@ SEPTIC KING *@@@

IMAX THEATER The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, The Polar Express and Rocky Mountain Express screen at World Golf Hall of Fame IMAX Theater, St. Johns, 940-4133, worldgolfimax.com. In the Heart of the Sea opens Dec. 10.

Star Wars The Force Awakens starts Dec. 17.

NOW SHOWING

SUN-RAY CINEMA Krampus and The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 screen at 1028 Park St., 5 Points, 359-0049, sunraycinema.com. Die Hard screens Dec. 10. Room starts Dec. 11. White Christmas screens Dec. 13.

BRIDGE OF SPIES **@@ Rated PG-13 The script by Matt Charman and Joel and Ethan Coen is divided like a theatrical production. Beginning in 1957, the first and more interesting segment follows insurance lawyer Jim Donovan (Tom Hanks) as he defends accused Russian spy Rudolf Abel (Mark Rylance) from charges of treason and espionage. Jim is an insurance counselor doing a defense attorney’s job – this is based on a true story. Jim’s legal partners (Alan Alda, John Rue), the CIA, FBI, the presiding judge (Dakin Matthews) and Jim’s wife Mary (Amy Ryan), daughters and son want it all to be for show and for Rudolf to not receive a fair trial. Jim stands by his client’s constitutional rights and does his best for the Russian. — Dan Hudak

THE CORAZON CINEMA & CAFÉ Fishing Without Nets and Ricki & the Flash, through Dec. 10. Christmas with the Kranks runs noon and 6 p.m. Dec. 10. 3 Tenors Christmas Opera, 7:30 p.m. Dec. 11. Wildlike and A Midwinter’s Tale start Dec. 11. The Polar Express, noon Dec. 12. 36 Granada St., St. Augustine, 679-5736, corazoncinemaandcafe.com.

BROOKLYN Rated PG-13 Eilis Lacey (Saoirse Ronan) is a young Irish woman just relocated to 1950s Brooklyn. She meets Tony (Emory Cohen) and falls in love. Then something needs her attention back in Ireland and she has to pick her life – here or there? Costars the awesome Julie Walters, as well as Domhnall Gleeson, Jim Broadbent and Brid Brennan.

SCREENINGS AROUND TOWN

A CHRISTMAS STORY The film that made kids stick their tongues on a frozen surface is screened 7 p.m. Dec. 11 at St. Augustine Amphitheatre, 1340C A1A S., free with donation of at least one canned food item per person, 209-0367, staugamphitheatre.com. The Muppet Christmas Carol screens 6 p.m., Christmas Vacation 7:45 p.m. Dec. 12.

BY THE SEA Rated R This drama costars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt, who also directed. A writer and his wife are having a tough go of it in the beautiful French countryside, apparently near the sea. Boo-effing-hoo. I just can’t buy a story of woe from these incredibly rich superstars.

CHI-RAQ Rated R Director Spike Lee offers an updated take on Aristophanes’ drama Lysistrata, with an amazing cast – Nick Cannon, Teyonah Parris, Wesley Snipes, Angela Bassett, Samuel L. Jackson, John Cusack, Jennifer Hudson, D.B. Sweeney, Dave Chappelle – amid the violence in Chicago, challenging the racism and sexism it foments.

CREED Rated PG-13 “Yo, (mumble, mumble) can’t sing or dance.” Apollo Creed’s son Adonis (played by Michael B. Jordan) thinks he wants to be a boxer like his father, whom he never knew. So he goes looking for that lovable palooka Rocky Balboa (do we even have to tell you he’s played by Sylvester Stallone?) in Philly. Costars Phylicia Rashad, Max Kellerman, Jim Lampley, Elvis Grant and Tessa Thompson.

THE GOOD DINOSAUR **@@ Rated PG Director Peter Sohn takes a novel premise – that dinosaurs lived long enough to experience the dawn of humankind – and does little with it besides repeatedly rip off The Lion King. The story begins with the birth of an Apatosaurus named Arlo (Jack McGraw as the baby, Raymond Ochoa as the older version). The runt

of the litter, he pales in comparison to his rapscallion brother and smarter sister. His parents (voiced by Jeffrey Wright and Frances McDormand) always believe in him, and help him conquer his fears. To help him man up (or dinosaur up), Poppa takes him on a long walk, gives him sage advice … and then gets killed, leaving the dino-baby on his own and unable to get home to Momma. Arlo befriends a human boy, whom he calls Spot, and some T-Rexes (voiced by Sam Elliott, Anna Paquin, and A.J. Buckley). Pterodactyls (one is voiced by Steve Zahn) and Velociraptors (one of which is voiced by Pixar stalwart John Ratzenberger) try to eat them. Obstacles are overcome, lessons are learned the hard way. — Dan Hudak THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY - PART 2 ***G Rated PG-13 The series has given us a look at a world in which women are presumed to be as capable and as authoritative as men, and has delved deeply into the potent influence of propaganda. world-changing heroine more human than most of them: more conflicted, more unsure, more afraid yet also more brave in overcoming all that … while simultaneously more principled and more selfish. Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) has never been about some romantic, idealistic notion of heroism.

KRAMPUS Rated PG-13 Didn’t get the present you wanted for the holidays? No matter; just conjure a yuletide demon to your happy home, sit back and enjoy the consequences. The comedy/horror film costars Adam Scott, Toni Collette, Emjay Anthony, David Koechner and Conchata Ferrell.

THE LETTERS Rated PG The compelling drama about the dedicated nun Mother Teresa, who strived to help the poor and oppressed worldwide, is based on her lifelong correspondence with her friend and guide, Father Celeste van Exem. It costars Juliet Stevenson, Rutger Hauer and Max Von Sydow.

LOVE THE COOPERS Rated PG-13 The holidays are stressful enough as it is, what with trying to find the perfect gift for someone you don’t give a rat’s ass about … here the idyllic celebration the Cooper family strives for is a chaotic charade, until surprising things begin to happen. Costars Olivia Wilde, Amanda Seyfried, Marisa Tomei, Diane I’m-always-in-myAnnie-Hall-mode Keaton, John Goodman, Ed Helms, and the incomparable Alan Arkin, who was so great opposite John Cusack in High Fidelity.

THE NIGHT BEFORE Rated R Nothing like the lovely wistful Beatles song. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Anthony Mackie and the ubiquitous Seth Rogen ferret out top-shelf Christmas Eve parties every year as they prowl NYC. THE PEANUTS MOVIE ***@ Rated G Two of the three credited screenwriters are Craig Schulz and Bryan Schulz, the son and grandson of Peanuts cartoonist Charles Schulz.

It’s clear from the outset that director Steve Martino isn’t interested in shaking up the Peanuts universe too radically.

Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Lucy, and Linus still occupy an adultfree world, one where Snoopy still writes his novels on a manual typewriter. Charlie Brown (voiced by Noah Schnapp) is still hapless and anxiety-ridden, and it’s from that foundation that the story emerges. The Little Red-Haired Girl has just moved to town, and Charlie Brown is desperate to impress her, and terrified of interacting with her. — Scott Renshaw A SECOND CHANCE Not Rated The Danish import questions morality and boundaries – and at what point we cross them.

Costars Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Thomas Bo Larsen, Ulrich Thomsen and Maria Bonnevie; in Danish and Swedish.

SECRET IN THEIR EYES **@@ Rated PG-13 In this dull thriller, three friends, played by Nicole Kidman, Julia Roberts and Chiwetel Ejiofor, are investigating the murder of Carolyn Cobb (Zoe Graham), who was district attorney investigator Jess’ (Roberts) teenage daughter. It’s now a cold case and the lead investigator, Ray (Ejiofor), is so convinced the killer is a guy named Marzan (Joe Cole), there’s no room for mystery.

SPECTRE **@@ Rated PG-13 The action movie – fourth in a reinvigorated-for-the-21st-century Bond franchise – begins with the secret agent and a woman amid the crowds of Day of the Dead revelers in Mexico City. But the thin plot never catches fire. Bond (Daniel Craig) went rogue, chasing a bad guy around the globe, while back in London, the new M (Ralph Fiennes) fights with C (Andrew Scott), who’s about to launch a new electronic surveillance scheme to replace the Double Zed program: something about drone warfare being more efficient than spies with a licence to kill. Costars Christoph Waltz, Léa Seydoux and Monica Bellucci. — MaryAnn Johanson SPOTLIGHT **** Rated R Inspired by a January 2002 report in The Boston Globe, about the sex abuse scandal that rocked the Catholic Church in 2002, the film follows the Globe’s investigative Spotlight team as it researches sexual abuse by priests in the Boston area and the widespread knowledge and cover-up by people in power, including Cardinal Bernard Law (Len Cariou). The Spotlight team includes editor Walter “Robby” Robinson (Michael Keaton) and reporters Mike Rezendes (Mark Ruffalo), Sacha Pfeiffer (Rachel McAdams) and Matt Carroll (Brian d’Arcy James). Costars Liev Schreiber and John Slattery. — D.H. TRUMBO ***G Rated R Reviewed in this issue.

VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN Rated PG-13 This newest drama/ horror film version is told from the viewpoint of the doctor’s assistant Igor (Daniel Radcliffe), who is waaay better looking but not as funny as Marty Feldman. This is the “backstory” – a word that simply means the history of or, actually, the story – of how Igor and Dr. Frankenstein (James McAvoy) became partners in human re-creation.

24 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

A+E // ARTS Pop culture icon JOHN WATERS brings his lovably raunchy Christmas show to town

NOT SO SILENT NIGHT T

he King of Camp. The People’s Pervert.

The Godfather of Weird. John Waters has amassed more counterculture sobriquets than even the most thorough journalist can count. But did you ever imagine you could add Unabashed Christmas Evangelist to the overstuffed résumé of this director, screenwriter, actor, TV host, author, comedian, artist, and pop culture icon? Well, if your ears have ever perked up to Waters’ unrelenting commentary on our uniquely American cultural, sexual, and psychic underbelly, you’d get it: The man famous for his pencilthin moustache, art-house exploitation films and a gleeful embrace of depravity loves to subvert in that most sacred of holidays. “My Christmas show is a rude Christmas show,” he says, “but it’s lovingly rude, and I think that makes a difference.”

though; I always say, “Bring a verbal abuse whistle, and if anybody says anything hurtful, blow it until they stop.” Or give them the Christmas curse, which is where if a relative you don’t like leaves the room, lick their chair so when they come back in and sit down, something bad will happen to them. Although if you get caught licking someone’s chair at a celebration, it could be embarrassing.

Is your Christmas show full of dark recommendations like that?

My Christmas show has advice for everybody, from the atheist to the Jesus freak. It’s a rude Christmas show, but it’s lovingly rude, and I think that makes a difference. Nobody seems to get mad at what I say anymore.

How did that happen? You were once considered the King of Camp, an auteur whose transgressive work shocked and Folio Weekly: How has Christmas changed for titillated those brave enough to watch it. you over the years?

That’s the ultimate irony of my life: I’m an John Waters: Well, I kind of feel like Elvira insider now. But that took 50 years. I do like on Halloween, with Johnny Mathis and hearing the nice things that GG Allin mixed in. If it’s people say about you when Christmas, that means I’m A JOHN WATERS CHRISTMAS 8 p.m. Dec. 15, The Florida you’re still alive. And I’m working. Which definitely Theatre, Downtown, $39-$100, proud of what I accomplished! means I can pay for my floridatheatre.com My dreams came true years Christmas presents. ago. I’ve had a great career; I’m not a misunderstood artist. I don’t have You also send out specially designed any complaints these days.

Christmas cards every year. How long has that been going on?

Your last two books, including 2014’s Carsick, Oh, at least 40 years. I used to do them by an excellent account of hitchhiking across hand on a Xerox machine, but they’ve gotten America, have been best-sellers. more complicated — last year I did an entire And I just signed another two-book deal!

Advent card, where every window you opened For the next five years, that’s the ultimate up had something weird in it. homework assignment. I have so many jobs, I already have a 2018 calendar.

In “Why I Love Christmas,” an essay from your book Crackpot: The Obsessions of John How do you feel about the way your Waters, you recommend sending a Christmas hometown of Baltimore has changed? card “to every single person you ever met, no There’s a great scene in Baltimore these days, matter how briefly.” Do you still pull that off ? because all the artists have stayed. We have Well, I don’t really do that anymore; I send a little more than 2,000, but people always ask an edge — we’re the only city left where you me, “Can you send one to my mother?” And can be a bohemian because it’s still cheap.

I just have to say no. I have to know you, have Baltimore has a lot of issues and problems, but done business with you, or have had some I like it better than ever. contact with you that was pleasurable.

Think former Baltimore mayor, Maryland We hear you deal harshly with recipients who governor, and Democratic presidential resell your cards online. candidate Martin O’Malley will be at your annual Christmas party this year?

Generally, I do — if you’re selling my Christmas I’ll certainly invite him. He’s always been card, not only will you get cut off, but I will supportive of me. When he was mayor, we send people to scream Christmas carols outside turned on the Christmas lights together in your house for 10 hours straight.

Mount Vernon Place with Santa Claus as a black man from my [2004] Christmas album.

So are you a bah humbug guy when it comes And four years ago, he had a dinner for me to Christmas? Or a grudging fan? at the state house. So he wouldn’t be one bit I love the idea of Christmas! But I get why nervous about attending the party. people hate it. Christmas can be stressful, Nick McGregor although I’m lucky to have a loving, supportive mail@folioweekly.com family. Other people have abusive Christmases, DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 25

+ EVENTS ARTS ARTS + EVENTS PERFORMANCE

CONEY ISLAND CHRISTMAS Atlantic Beach Experimental Theatre presents the comedic musical, about an older woman who tells her great-granddaughter what it means to be an American during the holidays, 8 p.m. Dec. 11 and 12; 2 p.m. Dec. 13 at Adele Grage Cultural Center, 716 Ocean Blvd., Atlantic Beach, $20, 249-7177; runs through Dec. 20, abettheatre.com.

A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS Orange Park Community Theatre presents a stage adaption of the animated TV special, where Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and all the Peanuts kids grapple with the real meaning of Christmas, 7 p.m. Dec. 11 and 12; 2 p.m. Dec. 12 and 13 at 2900 Moody Ave., Orange Park, 276-2599, $15; $10 for students, opct.org.

MIRACLE ON 34th STREET Santa Claus goes on trial when Amelia Community Theatre stages the holiday classic, about Kris Kringle’s believers and naysayers, 8 p.m. Dec. 10, 11 and 12 and 2 p.m. Dec. 13 at 207/209 Cedar St., Fernandina Beach, 261-6749, $20; $10 students; runs through Dec. 19, ameliacommunitytheatre.org.

CHARLOTTE’S WEB Amelia Musical Playhouse presents its stage adaptation of E.B. White’s much-loved story, about Wilbur the pig, his friendship with Charlotte the spider, Templeton the rat and Fern, the little girl who loved them all, 7:30 p.m. Dec. 11 and 12 and 2:30 p.m. Dec. 13 at Amelia Musical Playhouse, 1955 Island Walkway, Fernandina Beach, 277-3455, $20; $10 students; through Dec. 19, ameliamusicalplayhouse.com.

GODSPELL The groundbreaking musical, based on the Gospels parables, is staged 8 p.m. Dec. 11 and 12 and 2 p.m.

Dec. 13 at Players by the Sea, 106 Sixth St. N., Jax Beach, 249-0289, $28; through Dec. 20, playersbythesea.org.

CHRISTMAS CAROLE Alhambra Theatre & Dining presents Bruce Allen Scudder’s musical adaptation of the beloved tale of Ebenezer Scrooge’s yuletide redemption, through Dec. 24.

Dinner 6 p.m.; brunch at noon, with Executive Chef DeJuan Roy’s themed menu; 12000 Beach Blvd., Southside, $35-$55 plus tax, 641-1212, alhambrajax.com.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS PAGEANT EVER The comedy, about holiday havoc that ensues when two unruly kids are cast in a Christmas play, is staged 7:30 p.m. Dec. 10, 11 and 12 and 2 p.m. Dec. 13 at Limelight Theatre, 11 Old Mission Ave., St. Augustine, 825-1164, $15-$26; runs through Jan. 3, limelight-theatre.org.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL Fernandina Little Theatre presents a stage adaptation of Charles Dickens’ tale of Scrooge’s Christmas Eve ghostly adventures and his rebirth on Christmas morning, 7:30 p.m. Dec. 10-12 at 1014 Beech St., Fernandina Beach, 277-2202, $18, ameliaflt.org.

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER Thrasher-Horne Center for the Arts presents this musical adaption about the ostracized reindeer with the scarlet proboscis who’s chosen

by Santa to guide the sleigh on a fog-bound Christmas Eve, is staged 1:30 and 4:30 p.m. Dec. 13 at 283 College Dr., Orange Park, 276-6750, $33-$63, thcenter.org.

NICK GRIFFIN Griffin, who’s been on Conan, The Late Late Show, and The Late Show with David Letterman, appears at 8 p.m. Dec. 10 and 11 and 8 and 10:30 p.m. Dec. 12 at The Comedy Club of Jacksonville, 11000 Beach Blvd., Southside, 646-4277, jacksonvillecomedy.com.

A JOHN WATERS CHRISTMAS Let’s put the “X” in Xmas!

Waters, film director-author-raconteur-guru-of-tastelessness, ruminates on the holidays at 8 p.m. Dec. 15 at The Florida Theatre, 355-2787, $39-$100, floridatheatre.com.

MICHAEL MACK Comic Mack, who uses music, a lightshow, and puppets in impressions and parodies, is on at 8 p.m. Dec. 10; 8 and 10 p.m. Dec. 11 and 8 and 10:15 p.m. Dec. 12 at The Comedy Zone, 3130 Hartley Rd., Mandarin, 292-4242, $10-$18, comedyzone.com.

CALLS & WORKSHOPS

(NEU) SONICS MUSIC INITIATIVE Experimental saxophonistcomposer Jamison Williams offers a six-week course of workshops with local and visiting improv musicianinstructors. All classes are held at Karpeles Manuscript Library Museum, 101 W. First St., Downtown; sessions begin Jan. 30; details at neusonics.org.

ONE SPARK ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS One Spark 2016 is now accepting Creator applications; onespark.com.

ARTS IN THE PARK ENTRIES The annual limited, juried April event held at Atlantic Beach’s Johansen Park seeks applications; coab.us.

ART WALKS & MARKETS

WEDNESDAY MARKET Produce, arts, crafts, food, live music, 8 a.m.-12:30 p.m. Dec. 9, St. Johns Pier Park, 350 A1A Beach Blvd., St. Augustine Beach, 347-8007, thecivicassociation.org.

ARCHWAY GALLERY & FRAMING 363 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-2222, archwaygalleryandframing.com. For The Love of Waterscapes is on display through mid-December.

THE ART CENTER COOPERATIVE Jacksonville Landing, Ste. 139, 2 Independent Dr., 233-9252, tacjacksonville.org. The Wildlife Jury Show, through Dec. 28.

BREW FIVE POINTS 1024 Park St., Riverside, 374-5789, brewfivepoints.com. Humans: Sculptures & Drawings by Chip Southworth, is on display through mid-December.

CRISP-ELLERT ART MUSEUM 48 Sevilla St., St. Augustine, 826-8530, flagler.edu/news-events/crisp-ellert-art-museum.

A reception for the Student Portfolio Exhibition is held 5-8 p.m. Dec. 10.

FIRST STREET GALLERY 216-B First St., Neptune Beach, 241-6928. The 15th annual Christmas Open House is open through Dec. 24.

FLORIDA MINING GALLERY 5300 Shad Rd., Southside, 5357252, floridamininggallery.com. Joe Segal – Permutations is on display through mid-December.

HASKELL GALLERY, JIA 741-3546, jiaarts.org. Face Forward, self-portraits by 30 local artists, through Dec. 28.

HAWTHORN SALON 1011 Park St., Riverside, 619-3092, hawthornsalon.com. Subtle Alchemy: Eric Gillyard and Crystal Floyd is on display through December.

J. JOHNSON GALLERY 177 Fourth Ave. N., Jax Beach, 435-3200, jjohnsongallery.com. Christina Hope’s underwater photography, Water Angels, through Jan. 21.

LUFRANO INTERCULTURAL GALLERY 1 UNF Dr., Southside, 620-2475, unf.edu/gallery. Lida, Paintings by Franklin Matthews is on display through Dec. 11.

MONYA ROWE GALLERY 4 Rohde Ave., St. Augustine, 2170637, monyarowegallery.com. Out of Place, by Larissa Bates, Natasha Bowdoin, Vera Iliatova, Giordanne Salley, Dasha Shiskin, through Dec. 20.

STELLERS GALLERY AT PONTE VEDRA BEACH 240 A1A N., Ste. 13, 273-6065, stellersgallery.com. Landscape: Realism to Abstraction, by Henry Von Genk III, Ellen Diamond, John Schuyler, exhibits through December.

CLASSICAL, CHOIR & JAZZ

TRANS-SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA This multimedia juggernaut, with live music and special effects, performs a holidayfueled concert, The Ghosts of Christmas Eve, 8 p.m. Dec. 11 at Veterans Memorial Arena, 300 A. Philip Randolph Blvd., Downtown, 630-3900, $30-$60.25, ticketmaster.com.

THE COMMUNITY NUT CRACKER This annual ballet tradition, with a cast of 200 local children in a stage production of the story of an enchanted Christmas Eveinvolving large mice and wooden kitchen utensils come to life, is staged 8 p.m. Dec. 11 and 1 p.m. Dec. 12 at The Florida Theatre, 128 E. Forsyth St., Downtown, 355-2787, $29-$85, floridatheatre.com.

JAX SYMPHONY HOLIDAY POPS The Jacksonville Symphony Orchestra performs Holiday Pops, heartwarming holiday favorites, 7:30 p.m. Dec. 10, 11 a.m. and 8 p.m. Dec. 11, 8 p.m. Dec. 12 and 3 p.m. Dec. 13 at Times-Union Center for the Performing Arts’ Jacoby Symphony Hall, 300 Water St., Downtown, 354-5547, $25-$74, jaxsymphony.org.

THE ST. AUGUSTINE ORCHESTRA The community orchestra performs at 8 p.m. Dec. 11 at Lightner Museum, 75 King St., St. Augustine, 824-2874, staugustineorchestra.org.

WARREN WOLF Jazz vibraphonist Wolf performs at 8 p.m.

Dec. 11 at The Ritz Theatre & Museum, 829 N. Davis St., Downtown, 807-2010, $14-$24, ritzjacksonville.com.

HOLIDAY CHORALE MUSIC St. Augustine Community Chorus and St. Augustine Youth Chrous perform the 67th annual concert Christmas Tableaux at 7:45 p.m. Dec. 12 and 2 p.m. Dec. 13 at Cathedral Basilica of St. Augustine, 38 Cathedral Place, $20 advance, $25 at the door, staugustinecommunitychorus.org.

BRASS ENSEMBLE AT THE LIBRARY Ancient City Brass play 3 p.m. Dec. 13 at Main Library’s Hicks Auditorium, 303 N. Laura St., Downtown, 630-2353, jplmusic.blogspot.com.

SOUNDS OF THE SEASON Alumni of First Coast Wind Ensemble and Don Thompson Chorale perform at 7:30 p.m.

Dec. 13 at The Bolles School Bartram Campus Auditorium, 2264 Bartram Rd., Southside, fcwe.org.

DASoTA CONCERT The Winter Orchestra Concerto is performed at 7:30 p.m. Dec. 15 at Douglas Anderson School of the Arts, 2445 San Diego Rd., San Marco, 346-5620, duvalschools.org/anderson.

CLASSICAL IN ST. AUGUSTINE Southwest Florida Symphony Orchestra and vocalist Laura Woyasz perform Holiday Pops Concert at 7:30 p.m. Dec. 16 and 17 at Flagler College’s Lewis Auditorium, 14 Granada St., St. Augustine, 797-2800, $35, emmaconcerts.com.

COMEDY

BRIAN REGAN Known for self-deprecating observational humor, clean and raunch-free, Regan is on at 8 p.m. Dec. 13 at The Florida Theatre, 355-2787, $45, floridatheatre.com.

26 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

The exhibit Subtle Alchemy: Eric Gillyard and Crystal Floyd is on display at Hawthorn Salon, Riverside.

COMMUNITY FARMERS & ART MARKET Art, crafts, jewelry, 4-7 p.m. Dec. 9, 4300 St. Johns Ave., Riverside, 607-9935.

DOWNTOWN FRIDAY MARKET Arts/crafts, local produce, 10 a.m.-2 p.m. Dec. 11, Jacksonville Landing, 353-1188.

RIVERSIDE ARTS MARKET Local/regional art, food, farmers’ row, 9 a.m.-4 p.m. Dec. 12, with Cathedral Arts Project, Jacksonville Harmony Chorus, Pine Forest School of the Arts, Jax Treblemakers, Chris Thomas, Taylor Roberts, Courtney Frazier, and Christmas movies, under Fuller Warren Bridge, 715 Riverside Ave., free admission, 389-2449, riversideartsmarket.com.

ARTRAGEOUS ART WALK Downtown Fernandina Beach galleries open for self-guided tours, 5:30-8:30 p.m. Dec. 12, 277-0717, ameliaisland.com.

MUSEUMS

BEACHES MUSEUM & HISTORY PARK 381 Beach Blvd., Jax Beach, 241-5657, beachesmuseum.org. Naval Station Mayport: Guardian of the Southern Frontier Exhibit runs through Feb. 12.

CUMMER MUSEUM OF ART & GARDENS 829 Riverside Ave., 356-6857, cummermuseum.org. Julien De Casablanca: The Outings Project is on display through May 1. Rockwell Kent: The Shakespeare Portfolio is on display through May 15.

David Hayes: The Sentinel Series, sculptures of geometrically abstract, organic forms, displays through Oct. 2. Women, Art & Social Change: The Newcomb Pottery Enterprise, 20th-century ceramics, through Jan. 2.

KARPELES MANUSCRIPT MUSEUM 101 W. First St., Springfield, 356-2992. New works by Mac Truque, through Jan. 2. Baseball: Origins & Early History, through December.

MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART JACKSONVILLE 333 N. Laura St., 366-6911, mocajacksonville.com. Project Atrium: Ian Johnston, Johnston’s Fish Tales, themes of consumption and material waste, through Feb. 28. Smoke and Mirrors: Sculpture & The Imaginary, 3D and installation works by sculptors Chul Hyun Ahn, James Clar, Patrick Jacobs, Ken Matsubara, Daniel Rozin, and Kathleen Vance, through Jan. 24.

THE RITZ THEATRE & MUSEUM 829 N. Davis St., 807-2010, ritzjacksonville.com. Black Wings: American Dreams of Flight is on display through Jan. 17.

GALLERIES

ALEXANDER BREST GALLERY Jacksonville University, 2800 N. University Blvd., Arlington, 256-7371, ju.edu. Annual Student Juried Exhibition through Dec. 11.

UNF GALLERY OF ART Founders Hall, 620-2534, unf.edu/ gallery. UNF Faculty Exhibition is on display through Dec. 11.

EVENTS

DR. GUY HARVEY Renowned artist and marine biologist Harvey (you’re wearing one of his designs on a T-shirt right now, aren’t you?) is on hand for a meet-and-greet, 3-6 p.m.

Dec. 11 at Strike-Zone Fishing, 11702 Beach Blvd., Southside, 641-2433.

FORCE FEST The Star Wars-fueled extravaganza, with Carlos Cabaleiro, performance by Jedi Academy of North Florida and Flow Motion, a Jedi vs. Sith lightsaber battle, DJ E/N/S, Gather 2 Game mobile gaming truck, and cosplay contests, is held 5-9 p.m. Dec. 11 at Hemming Park, 303 N. Laura St., Downtown, $6.12, forcefest.com.

THE CHILDREN’S CHRISTMAS PARTY OF JACKSONVILLE The annual event, offering toys for Duval County children in need (ages infant-12), is held 9 a.m.-12:30 p.m. (ends earlier if toys are gone) Dec. 12 at Prime Osborn Convention Center, 1000 Water St., Downtown, 630-4000; first-come, firstserved, no application or registration required, ccpoj.org.

AMELIA ISLAND COOKIE TOUR The Amelia Island Bed & Breakfast Association presents its annual Tour, noon-5 p.m. on Dec. 12 at six inns. Sample a signature cookie at each, and see seasonal decorations. Horse-drawn carriages, trolley service available, $25; $150 VIP. A portion of the proceeds benefits Friends of the Fernandina Beach Library, 277-2328, ameliaislandinns.com/cookie-tour.

NIGHT OF ASIA The fourth annual event, featuring traditional performances, dancing, and food, is held 6:30 p.m. Dec. 12 at T-U Center’s Moran Theater, Downtown, 633-3110, $30-$50, jaxevents.com.

JAGS VS. COLTS The Jacksonville Jaguars take on the Indianapolis Colts, 1 p.m. Dec. 13 at EverBank Field, Downtown, 633-6100, $42-$470, ticketmaster.com.

DICKENS ON CENTRE A 19th-century village comes to life with horse-drawn carriages, local entertainers, holiday lights, St. Nicholas, movies, period vendors, a reading of the iconic poem and bells rung by Pam Bell, 5-9 p.m. Dec. 11, 9 a.m.-8 p.m. Dec. 12 and 10 a.m.-5 p.m. Dec. 13 on historic Centre Street, Fernandina Beach, ameliaisland.com.

COMMISSIONER MEET & GREET St. Johns County Commissioner James Johns is on hand to meet his constituency, 6-8 p.m. Dec. 10 at TPC Community Senior Center, 175 Landrum Lane, Ponte Vedra, 209-0301.

A+E // MUSIC

INSTANT YET ENDURING

CLASSIC

Underground hip-hop veteran J-LIVE has been around the block but isn’t going anywhere

D

which was bought by Warner Entertainment, epending on your level of hip-hop which resulted in J-Live getting lost in the immersion, J-Live is either the best system as the old-school label dynasties broke MC you’ve never heard of or the most apart, thanks to Napster and the advent of underrated rapper on the planet. The 39-yearonline streaming. old native New Yorker, born Jean-Jacques So J-Live did what any sensible college Cadet, has collaborated with legendary golden graduate would do: Got a job teaching high era producers like DJ Premier, Pete Rock, school language arts in Brooklyn. However, Prince Paul, and DJ Spinna. His 1995 single, press versions of The Best Part began “Braggin’ Writes,” marks one of the fiercest circulating on hip-hop’s underground market, debuts in all of American music. “The Truth,” becoming one of the hottest bootlegs of 1999 from 1999’s So … How’s Your Girl? Handsome and proving that the soft-spoken man with Boy Modeling School compilation, qualifies the scholarly glasses, the confident delivery, as one of the most slept-on gems in the hipand the stunning ability to manipulate meter, hop canon. And even though it took nearly rhyme patterns, flow, and breath control had five years, four labels, and enough industry a bright future in hip-hop. Listen to “Them’s backstabbing to kill a lesser man, J-Live’s first That Not” — which volleys between a rapidfull-length, The Best Part, was (and still is) a fire clip and a hazy, laid-back vibe — on bona fide classic.

YouTube and try to keep up.

Surprisingly, everything that’s come Of course, by the time The Best Part saw its since — seven more LPs, four EPs, countless official release in 2001, rap music as a whole singles and jaw-dropping guest appearances was splintering into a million pieces, making — has maintained J-Live’s high standard for J-Live’s golden-era-Newintelligence, consciousness, York vibe feel anachronistic and ferocity. Imagine if De La J-LIVE, WILLIE and backward-looking to Soul’s social commentary was EVANS JR., ND 20/20, mainstream audiences hungry stripped of its goofiness, A GEEXELLA, FOREIGN for the next regional microTribe Called Quest’s languor 8 p.m. Dec. 16, rain dogs., trend. But that didn’t slow the was intensified, and KRS-One’s Riverside, $7 prolific artist down: Over the staccato edges were roughnext three years, he released sanded — the result would be two more excellent LPs, 2002’s All of the Above a good approximation of J-Live’s flow. For years, he’s been describing it as “true school” and 2005’s The Hear After, along with a 2003 — not to sound condescending or cater to two-EP set that paid tribute to his roots as a specific audience, but to further hip-hop’s a struggling rapper, Always Has Been and role as an educational, entertaining, and Always Will Be. edifying art form.

In 2008, he did what to many New York But make no mistake: The world almost rappers would signal a career death knell. He never got to hear from J-Live. While majoring moved to Atlanta to step outside his comfort in English at University at Albany SUNY, zone and see how he handled a challenge to he got a rare write-up in The Source’s thenhis hip-hop identity. But since then, he hasn’t influential “Unsigned Hype” column, which led stop producing: five more solid LPs, including to a deal with independent label Raw Shack. two in 2015 alone, How Much Is Water? and On the strength of his first few transmissions His Own Self. That second record is so named — “Longevity,” “Braggin’ Writes,” “Can I Get because J-Live literally did everything himself: Wrote it, performed it, produced it, mixed it, It,” and “Hush the Crowd” — famous and arranged it, mastered it, and even marketed it. soon-to-be-famous producers came to him to And yet, unlike many hip-hop purists contribute jazzy, hard-hitting beats. who claim to know the one true path toward J-Live wrote and recorded The Best creativity and authenticity, J-Live remains Part while finishing his degree, and had all open to new sounds, new paths, and new ways intentions of releasing it in 1998 just before of thinking. In a 2014 interview with Vice, graduation, so he could build on he refrained from bragging on his the hype and tour it around adopted Atlanta home and spoke the world. But after Raw with humility and grace about Shack’s budget fell the music as a unifying force. through, he moved “Look at Killer Mike [and to Payday Records, El-P of Run the Jewels],” he whose parent said. “Quintessential Atlanta company, London hip-hop paired up with Records, subsidized quintessential historically the imprint; New York indie hip-hop. after moving That’s a beautiful pairing. To to London, me, that just typifies how you its parent can strip away all the labels and, company, at the end of the day, hip-hop is Polygram hip-hop. And people are people Records, was … We all want a lot of the same dissolved, things: to feel good to the music we London was listen to, whether it’s escapism or the bought by state of the union.”

Universal Music Nick McGregor Group, mail@folioweekly.com

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 27

A+E // MUSIC Self-deprecating singer/songwriter lives up to a NOBLE LEGACY — and leaves a legacy of his own

LIVE AND

LOUDIE L

28 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

folks living a regular life. In the ’20s and oudon Snowden Wainwright III had big ’30s in the rural South, that often meant a shoes to fill even before he became hard life for Poole, filled with booze-soaked a Grammy winner. His father, Loudon nights at honky-tonks and sweat-filled days Wainwright Jr., was an editor and columnist working in the mills. Wainwright can relate. for Life magazine — his weekly rumination He was born in Chapel Hill, North Carolina under the title “The View From Here,” on the and despite his Bedford, New York and prep last page, was the first thing I turned to when school upbringing, identifies with the South, I was a kid. (OK, I’m a geek.) It wasn’t until at least as far as his music goes. The 1962, when my brother Mark Poole album in particular reflects began his five-year stint at St. LOUDON much of Wainwright’s own style — Andrew’s School in Middletown, WAINWRIGHT humorous, simple lyrics, delivered Delaware, that I connected III, MELISSA with a rather snarling, smart-ass Loudon the elder with the quirky, FERRICK attitude, cooled every now and rubber-faced musician I’d see in 8 p.m. Dec. 11, then with a sweet, emotional and staged events from time to time Ponte Vedra Concert Hall, $35-$40, heartfelt ballad.

— Loudon the younger. It’s the pvconcerthall.com, Wainwright was instructed same school where Dead Poets lw3.com by his famous father to stay Society was filmed, and according disciplined, and deliver the goods to Wainwright’s eponymous debut on time. Certainly St. Andrew’s School’s rigid album, he didn’t have an overly positive environment added to that work and study experience there. “School Days,” the first cut ethic, and Wainwright toes the line, whether on that album, is a bitter denunciation of the acting (he played the “Singing Surgeon” on elitist mini-society around him. His pose many M*A*S*H episodes and has been in then was cool rebel, brooding literary nerd several films), performing on stage with and he hasn’t strayed too far from that stance various family members, or turning out in the 50 years since. deeply personal, yet universally relatable Excepting his 1972 novelty hit song, album after album.

“Dead Skunk (in the Middle of the Road),” his His appearance here on Friday, Dec. 11 at mostly acoustic style of music has reflected his Ponte Vedra Concert Hall is eagerly anticipated displeasure with the status quo and his own by his many fans, and should be attended by peccadillos, including depression, marriage, anyone who enjoys political commentary, being a father — his kids with first wife, personal anecdotal lyricism set to catchy tunes, the late singer/songwriter Kate McGarrigle, and lovely ballads. His song topics run the are Rufus Wainwright, the mega-talented gamut from gun control, heartbreak, drinking, singer/songwriter, and Martha Wainwright, growing old and, as I read on the venue also a singer/songwriter. All these singer/ website, “ … pet ownership and New York songwriter designations seem to demand that City’s arcane practice of alternate side-of-thethe so-designated live up to it; Wainwright street parking.” Since it’s the holiday season, has made more than 20 albums, three of look forward to his “I’ll Be Killing You This which were nominated for a Grammy. His Christmas,” sure to become a standard classic 2009 effort, “High, Wide & Handsome: The covered by the likes of a Michael Bublé or a Charlie Poole Project,” won a Grammy for Sam Smith for years to come.

Best Traditional Folk Album. The double Loudon Wainwright III has lived a full CD (booklet included) is an homage to life and got most of it down on tape or wax Poole, who didn’t write his own songs but for us to enjoy. I hope he continues to put his popularized his versions of folk songs of the innermost fears and joys out there for many day. It includes Wainwright’s original songs, too, written with producer Dick Connette. years more.

It’s a fascinating glimpse into what makes Marlene Dryden Wainwright keep going: music about regular mdryden@folioweekly.com

Funk band Kung Fu performs at 1904 Music Hall on Dec. 11 in Downtown Jacksonville.

LIVE + LOCAL MUSIC CONCERTS THIS WEEK

SPADE McQUADE 6 p.m. Dec. 9 at Fionn MacCool’s Irish Pub, Jacksonville Landing, Ste. 176, Downtown, 374-1247.

DENNY BLUE 6 p.m. Dec. 9 & 16 at Paula’s Beachside Grill, 6896 A1A S., St. Augustine, 471-3463.

RYAN CRARY 6 p.m. Dec. 9 & 16 at Pusser’s Bar & Grille, 816 A1A N., Ponte Vedra Beach, 280-7766.

TYLER WILLIAMS BAND 7:30 p.m. Dec. 9 at Mudville Music Room, 3104 Atlantic Blvd., San Marco, 352-7008, $10.

THE DELTA SAINTS, OSCAR MIKE, MONARCH MTN 8 p.m.

Dec. 9 at Jack Rabbits, 1528 Hendricks Ave., San Marco, 398-7496, $10 advance; $13 day of.

D.R.I., HEAD CREEPS, THE WASTEDIST, CONCRETE CRIMINALS 8 p.m. Dec. 9 at Harbor Tavern, 160 Mayport Road, Atlantic Beach, 246-2555, $15.

AARON KOERNER 6 p.m. Dec. 10, Pusser’s Bar & Grille.

KNOCKED LOOSE, ADALIAH, VARIALS 7 p.m. Dec. 10 at 1904 Music Hall, 19 Ocean St., Downtown, $10.

PIERCE PETTIS 7:30 p.m. Dec. 10, Mudville Music Room, $10.

The BAND BE EASY 8 p.m. Dec. 10 at Latitude 360, 10370 Philips Hwy., Southside, 365-5555.

GITLO LEE 6:30 p.m. Dec. 11 at Alley Cat Seafood, Beer House & Wine Boutique, 316 Centre St., Fernandina Beach, 491-1001.

KUNG FU 8 p.m. Dec. 11, 1904 Music Hall, $12 advance; $15 day of.

CODY NIX 8 p.m. Dec. 11, Pusser’s Bar & Grille.

POSSESSED BY PAUL JAMES, GHOSTWITCH 8 p.m. Dec. 11, Jack Rabbits, $5 advance; $10 day of.

HEART SHAPED BOX (Nirvana tribute), MINOR INFLUENCE 8 p.m. Dec. 11 at Freebird Live, 200 N. First St., Jax Beach, 246-2473, $8 advance; $10 day of.

LOUDON WAINWRIGHT III, MELISSA FERRICK 8 p.m. Dec. 11 at Ponte Vedra Concert Hall, 1050 A1A N., 209-0399, $35-$40.

SPANKY THE BAND 9:30 p.m. Dec. 11 at Whiskey Jax, 10915 Baymeadows Rd., Southside, 634-7208.

BLISTUR 10 p.m. Dec. 11 & 12 at The Roadhouse, 231 Blanding Blvd., Orange Park, 264-0611.

EVAN MICHAEL & THE WELL WISHERS 10 p.m. Dec. 11 & 12 at Flying Iguana, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, 853-5680.

Riverside Arts Market: CATHEDRAL ARTS PROJECT, JACKSONVILLE HARMONY CHORUS, PINE FOREST SCHOOL OF THE ARTS, JAX TREBLEMAKERS, CHRIS THOMAS, TAYLOR ROBERTS, COURTNEY FRAZIER, CHRISTMAS MOVIES 10:30 a.m. Dec. 12, 715 Riverside Ave., 389-2449.

Gamble Rogers Concert Series: JACK WILLIAMS, MAGDA HILLER 7 p.m. Dec. 12 at Lohman Auditorium, 9505 Ocean Shore Blvd., St. Augustine, $15 advance; $20 day of, 7944163, jackwilliamsmusic.com.

DENNY BLUE 1 p.m. Dec. 12 at Milltop Tavern & Listening Room, 19 1/2 St. George St., St. Augustine, 829-2329.

DAVIS TURNER 6 p.m. Dec. 12 at Sliders Seaside Grill, 1998 S. Fletcher Ave., Fernandina Beach, 277-6652.

JOHN SPRINGER 6:30 p.m. Dec. 12, Alley Cat Seafood, Beer House & Wine Boutique.

BLEEDING IN STEREO, SOUL SWITCH, NEW DAY, (N)CEPTION, A MATTER OF HONOR 7 p.m. Dec. 12, Freebird Live, $8.

DUSTIN BRADLEY 7 p.m. Dec. 12, Pusser’s Bar & Grille.

LARRY MANGUM, LAUREN HEITZ, PAUL GARFINKEL 7:30 p.m. Dec. 12, Mudville Music Room, $10.

KEVIN GRIFFIN (Better Than Ezra) 8 p.m. Dec. 12, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall, $32-$36.

RUE SNIDER, JACKIE STRANGER, LUKE PEACOCK 8 p.m.

Dec. 12 at Burro Bar, 100 E. Adams St., Downtown.

DIRTY PETE 10 p.m. Dec. 12, Whiskey Jax. UNDERHILL ROSE 7:30 p.m. Dec. 13, Mudville Music Room, $10.

WOVEN IN, TRANSCENDENTAL TELECOM, TWINKI, NOTEL, VIRGIN FLOWER 8 p.m. Dec. 13, 1904 Music Hall, $7 advance; $9 day of.

HOUR 24, CONTENTIONS, MOTHERSHIP, DUEL 8 p.m. Dec. 13, Jack Rabbits, $8 advance; $10 day of.

MELISSA FERRICK 8 p.m. Dec. 13 at The Original Café Eleven, 501 A1A Beach Blvd., St. Augustine Beach, 460-9311, $16 advance; $20 at the door.

RISING APPALACHIA, AROUNA DIARRA 8 p.m. Dec. 13, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall, $20 advance; $22 day of.

AUTOMAGIK, GOV CLUB, HONEY CHAMBER 8 p.m. Dec. 15, Burro Bar. J-LIVE, WILLIE EVANS JR., ND 20/20, GEEXELLA, FOREIGN 8 p.m. Dec. 16 at rain dogs., 1045 Park St., Riverside, 379-4969, $7.

UPCOMING CONCERTS

LEON RUSSELL Dec. 17, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall BOWZER’S Rock ’N’ Roll Holiday Party: The TOKENS, FREDDY BOOM BOOM CANNON Dec. 17, Florida Theatre GEORGIO “THE DOVE” VALENTINO Dec. 18, Burro Bar MATISYAHU Dec. 18 & 19, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall WITCH TITZ Dec. 18, rain dogs.

MICHAEL McDONALD Dec. 19, Thrasher-Horne Center

HIGH ON FIRE, CROWBAR, APPALACHIAN DEATH TRAP Dec. 19, Underbelly Girls Rock Jacksonville Volunteer Showcase & Silent Auction: GEEXELLA, EBONY PAYNE, HONEYCOMB, JUANITA PARKERURBAN Dec. 20, CoRK Arts District AN IRISH CHRISTMAS Dec. 21, T-U Center The TEN TENORS Dec. 22, The Florida Theatre CHRIS DUARTE Dec. 22, Mudville Music Room BUTCH TRUCKS & the FREIGHT TRAIN BAND Dec. 27, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall DONNA the BUFFALO Dec. 30, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall SOJA Jan. 1, The Florida Theatre JOHN SEBASTIAN Jan. 8, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall FRED EAGLESMITH Jan. 8, The Original Café Eleven STEVE FORBERT TRIO Jan. 9, Mudville Music Room SILVERSUN PICKUPS Jan. 10, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall The OLATE DOGS Jan. 11, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall YO YO MA Jan. 14, Amelia Island Chamber Music Festival OBNOX, X__X, THE MOLD, NOTEL Jan. 14, rain dogs.

TROMBONE SHORTY & ORLEANS AVENUE Jan. 15, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall Winter Jam: FOR KING & COUNTRY, MATTHEW WEST, CROWDER, LAUREN DAIGLE, RED, NEWSONG, SIDEWALK PROPHETS, TEDASHIL, KB, STARS GO DIM, TONY NOLAN, WE ARE MESSENGERS Jan. 15, Veterans Memorial Arena KELLEY HUNT Jan. 15, The Original Café Eleven STEVE POLTZ, GRANT-LEE PHILLIPS Jan. 20, The Original Café Eleven The TEMPTATIONS, The FOUR TOPS Jan. 21, Florida Theatre SHANNON & THE CLAMS, GOLDEN PELICANS, THE MOLD Jan. 22, Burro Bar JESCO WHITE, SNAKE BLOOD REMEDY, GRANDPA’S COUGH MEDICINE Jan. 23, Jack Rabbits

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 29

LIVE + LOCAL MUSIC GRAHAM NASH Jan. 27, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVISITED Jan. 23, ThrasherHorne Center ANA POPOVIC Jan. 28, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall PATTI LaBELLE Jan. 28, T-U Center for the Performing Arts CARRIE UNDERWOOD Jan. 30, Veterans Memorial Arena GAELIC STORM Jan. 30, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall PAPADASIO Jan. 30, Mavericks Live JOHNNY MATHIS Jan. 31, The Florida Theatre COLIN HAY Jan. 31, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall 2CELLOS Feb. 2, The Florida Theatre YANNI Feb. 3, T-U Center Southern Soul Assembly: JJ GREY, ANDERS OSBORNE, MARC BROUSSARD, LUTHER DICKINSON Feb. 4, Florida Theatre YONDER MOUNTAIN STRING BAND, TROUT STEAK REVIVAL Feb. 9, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall ALAN PARSONS PROJECT Greatest Hits Tour, Jacksonville Symphony Orchestra Feb. 10, The Florida Theatre ROBERT RANDOLPH & the FAMILY BAND Feb. 11, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall MARTY STUART & THE FABULOUS SUPERLATIVES Feb. 12, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall PATTY GRIFFIN, SARA WATKINS, ANAIS MITCHELL Feb. 13, The Florida Theatre The JAMES HUNTER SIX Feb. 13, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall MELISSA ETHERIDGE Feb. 17, Thrasher-Horne Center DON WILLIAMS Feb. 17, The Florida Theatre ST. PAUL & THE BROKEN BONES Feb. 19, PV Concert Hall PROTOMARTYR, SPRAY PAINT, UVTV Feb. 19, St. Augustine Amphitheatre FOREIGNER Feb. 20, The Florida Theatre SUN RA ARKESTRA Feb. 20, The Ritz Theatre ADAM TRENT Feb. 21, The Florida Theatre GARY CLARK JR. Feb. 21, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall VINCE GILL, LYLE LOVETT Feb. 25, The Florida Theatre Experience Hendrix: BILLY COX, BUDDY GUY, ZAKK WYLDE, KENNY WAYNE SHEPHERD, JONNY LANG, DWEEZIL ZAPPA, KEB MO, ERIC JOHNSON, CHRIS LAYTON, MATO NANJI, NOAH HUNT, HENRI BROWN Feb. 26, Florida Theatre IL VOLO March 3, The Florida Theatre BLACK VIOLIN March 3, The Ritz Theatre ROGER McGUINN March 4, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall STEVE MILLER BAND March 4, St. Augustine Amphitheatre HERB ALPERT & LANI HALL March 4, The Florida Theatre JASON ISBELL, SHOVELS & ROPE March 5, St. Augustine Amphitheatre JANET JACKSON March 8, Veterans Memorial Arena MERLE HAGGARD March 11, The Florida Theatre MOODY BLUES March 11, St. Augustine Amphitheatre

Singer-songwriter Melissa Ferrick performs at The Original Café Eleven on Dec. 13 in St. Augustine Beach.

RIHANNA March 12, Veterans Memorial Arena BLUE MAN GROUP March 12 & 13, T-U Center GET the LED OUT March 17, The Florida Theatre Festival of Laughs: MIKE EPPS, SOMMORE, EARTHQUAKE, GARY OWEN March 18, Veterans Memorial Arena JOHNNY CLEGG & HIS BAND March 18, PVedra Concert Hall JOE SATRIANI March 19, The Florida Theatre The FAB FOUR: The ULTIMATE TRIBUTE March 19, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall ALAN DOYLE & BAND March 20, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall CHICAGO, EARTH, WIND & FIRE March 23, Veterans Memorial Arena CECILE McLORIN SALVANT March 31, The Ritz Theatre NAJEE April 9, The Ritz Theatre & Museum LET IT BE: Celebration of The Beatles April 10, Florida Theatre AMY HELM April 12, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall WANEE MUSIC FESTIVAL April 14, 15 & 16 The BRONX WANDERERS April 16, The Florida Theatre One Night of Queen: GARY MULLEN & the WORKS April 20, Ponte Vedra Concert Hall A NIGHT with JANIS JOPLIN April 21, The Florida Theatre THE 1975, THE JAPANESE HOUSE May 10, St. Augustine Amphitheatre ELLIS PAUL May 13, The Original Café Eleven JUSTIN BIEBER June 29, Veterans Memorial Arena 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER July 20, Veterans Memorial Arena

LIVE MUSIC CLUBS AMELIA ISLAND, FERNANDINA

ALLEY CAT SEAFOOD & BEER HOUSE, 316 Centre St., 491-1001 Dan Voll Dec. 9. Gitlo Lee 6:30 p.m. Dec. 11. John Springer 6:30 p.m. Dec. 12 GREEN TURTLE TAVERN, 14 S. Third St., 321-2324 Buck Smith Thur. Yancy Clegg Sun. Vinyl Record Nite every Tue. SLIDERS, 1998 S. Fletcher Ave., 277-6652 Davis Turner 6 p.m. Dec. 12 SURF RESTAURANT, 3199 S. Fletcher Ave., 261-5711 Yancy Clegg every Tue. & Thur. Black Jack Band every Fri.

AVONDALE, ORTEGA

CASBAH CAFÉ, 3628 St. Johns Ave., 981-9966 Goliath Flores every Wed. Live jazz every Sun. Live music every Mon. ECLIPSE, 4219 St. Johns Ave. KJ Free 9 p.m. every Tue. & Thur. Indie dance 9 p.m. every Wed. ’80s & ’90s dance at 9 p.m. every Fri. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 3611 St. Johns, 388-0200 Live music every weekend

THE BEACHES

(All venues in Jax Beach unless otherwise noted)

CULHANE’S, 967 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-9595 Kissass Karaoke every Fri. DJ Hal every Sat. Irish music Sun. FLYING IGUANA, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, 853-5680 Evan Michael & the Well Wishers 10 p.m. Dec. 11 & 12 FREEBIRD LIVE, 200 N. First St., 246-2473 Beaches & Bass, D3Tay, Geoshua James, Brainrek, Lights Out, Skinny Genes Dec. 10. Heart-Shaped Box, Minor Influence 8 p.m.

Dec. 11. Bleeding in Stereo, Soul Switch, New Day, (N) Ception, A Matter of Honor Dec. 12 HARBOR TAVERN, 160 Mayport Rd., Atlantic Beach, 246-2555 D.R.I., Head Creeps, The Wastedist, Concrete Criminals 8 p.m. Dec. 9 HARMONIOUS MONKS, 320 First St. N., 372-0815 Live music every Fri. & Sat. Dan Evans, Spade McQuade every Sun. Back From the Brink every Mon. LYNCH’S IRISH PUB, 514 N. First St., 249-5181 Live music 10 p.m. Dec. 11 & 12. Live music every night MELLOW MUSHROOM, 1018 Third St. N., 241-5600 Blue Muse Dec. 9. The Happy Campers Dec. 10. Ivey West Dec. 11. Live music most weekends MEZZA Restaurant & Bar, 110 First St., Neptune Beach, 249-5573 Chilly Rhino Dec. 15. Gypsies Ginger every Wed. Mike Shackelford & Steve Shanholtzer every Thur.

NIPPERS BEACH GRILLE, 2309 Beach Blvd., 247-3300 Live music most weekends RAGTIME TAVERN, 207 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 241-7877 Neil Dixon Dec. 9. Hoffman’s Voodoo Dec. 10.

Sidewalk 65 Dec. 11 & 12. Live music every weekend. Billy Bowers Dec. 16 WIPEOUTS GRILL, 1589 Atlantic Blvd., Neptune Beach, 247-4508 Live music 7 p.m. Dec. 10, 9:30 p.m. Dec. 11

DOWNTOWN

1904 MUSIC HALL, 19 Ocean St. N. Knocked Loose, Adaliah, Varials 7 p.m. Dec. 10. Jason Matthews, Kung Fu Dec. 11. Woven In, Transcendental Telecom, Twinki, Notel, Virgin Flower 8 p.m. Dec. 13 BURRO BAR, 100 E. Adams St. Vatican 8 p.m. Dec. 11.

Jackie Stranger Dec. 12. Automagik, Gov Club, Honey Chamber Dec. 15 DOS GATOS, 123 E. Forsyth St., 354-0666 BlackJack every Wed. DJ Brandon every Thur. DJs spin dance music every Fri. DJ NickFresh every Sat. DJ Randall 9 p.m. every Mon. DJ Hollywood every Tue. FIONN MacCOOL’S, Jax Landing, Ste. 176, 374-1247 Spade McQuade 6 p.m. Dec. 9, 16, 23 & 30. Chuck Nash 8 p.m. Dec. 11. Jimmy Solari 8 p.m. Dec. 12 JACKSONVILLE LANDING, 2 Independent Dr., 353-1188 Catch the Groove 9 p.m. Dec. 11. Hard 2 Handle 9 p.m. Dec. 12. 418 Band 4 p.m. Dec. 13 MARK’S DOWNTOWN, 315 E. Bay St., 355-5099 DJ Dr. Doom 10 p.m.-2 a.m. every Fri. DJ Shotgun 10 p.m.-2 a.m. every Sat. MAVERICKS LIVE, Jax Landing, 356-1110 Jackly, Eviction 7 p.m. Dec. 11. Joe Buck, DJ Justin every Thur.-Sat.

30 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

LIVE + LOCAL MUSIC UNDERBELLY, 113 E. Bay St., 699-8186 Live music most weekends

CLIFF’S BAR & GRILL, 3033 Monument Rd., 645-5162 Bill Ricci, Ozone Baby Dec. 11 & 12. Live music most weekends JERRY’S Sports Grille, 13170 Atlantic Blvd., 220-6766 Retro Kats 7:30 p.m. Dec. 11. Green for Danger Dec. 12.

Live music most weekends

MURRAY HILL THEATRE, 932 Edgewood S., 388-7807 It Lies Within Dec. 12. Family Force 5, KB 8 p.m. Dec. 18 RAIN DOGS, 1045 Park St., 379-4969 Von Strantz 7 p.m. Dec. 9. J-Live, Willie Evans Jr., ND 20/20, Geexella & Foreign Dec. 16 RIVERSIDE ARTS MARKET, 715 Riverside Ave., 389-2449 Cathedral Arts Project, Jacksonville Harmony Chorus, Pine Forest School of the Arts, Jax Treblemakers, Chris Thomas, Taylor Roberts, Courtney Frazier Dec. 12

MANDARIN, JULINGTON

ST. AUGUSTINE

FLEMING ISLAND

MERCURY MOON, 2015 C.R. 220, 215-8999 Chilly Rhino Dec. 11 & 12 WHITEY’S FISH CAMP, 2032 C.R. 220, 269-4198 Live music 9 p.m. every Fri. & Sat. DJ Throwback every Thur.

Deck music every Fri., Sat. & Sun.

INTRACOASTAL WEST

DAVE’S MUSIC BAR & GRILL, 9965 San Jose, 575-4935 Blues Jam Dec. 11. Mike & Anjie, SOB Band Dec. 12. Live music most weekends HARMONIOUS MONKS, 10550 Old St. Augustine Rd., 880-3040 Jaxx or Better 7 p.m. Dec. 9. The Malah Dec. 10.

Open jam 7 p.m. every Mon.

ORANGE PARK, MIDDLEBURG

CLUB RETRO, 1241 Blanding Blvd., 579-4731 ’70s & ’80s dance 8 p.m. every Fri. & Sat. DJ Capone every Wed. THE HILLTOP, 2030 Wells Rd., 272-5959 John Michael every Tue.-Sat. THE ROADHOUSE, 231 Blanding Blvd., 264-0611 Blistur 10 p.m. Dec. 11 & 12. Live music 10 p.m. every Wed. DJ Big Mike 10 p.m. every Thur.

PONTE VEDRA

PUSSER’S Grill, 816 A1A, 280-7766 Ryan Crary 6 p.m.

Dec. 9 & 16. Aaron Koerner 8 p.m.-mid. Dec. 10. Cody Nix Dec. 11. Dustin Bradley Dec. 12 TABLE 1, 330 A1A, 280-5515 Deron Baker Dec. 9. Gary Starling Dec. 10. Robbie Lit Dec. 11 & 16. Barrett Jockers Dec. 12

RIVERSIDE, WESTSIDE

ACROSS THE STREET, 948 Edgewood Ave. S., 683-4182 Live music most weekends

Jazz vibraphonist Warren Wolf performs at The Ritz Theatre & Museum on Dec. 11, Downtown.

CAFE ELEVEN, 501 A1A Beach Blvd., St. Augustine Beach, 460-9311 Melissa Ferrick 8 p.m.

Dec. 13 CELLAR UPSTAIRS, 157 King St., 826-1594 SMG, The Committee Dec. 11. The Robert Harris Group Dec. 12. Vinny Jacobs 1 p.m. Dec. 13 MILL TOP TAVERN, 19 St. George St., 829-2329 Denny Blue Dec. 12. Live music every night PAULA’S GRILL, 6896 A1A S., Crescent Beach, 471-3463 Denny Blue open mic jam 6-9 p.m. Dec. 9 & 16 TRADEWINDS, 124 Charlotte St., 829-9336 Those Guys 9 p.m. Dec. 11 & 12

SAN MARCO, SOUTHBANK

JACK RABBITS, 1528 Hendricks Ave., 398-7496 The Delta Saints, Oscar Mike, Monarch Mtn 8 p.m. Dec. 9. Possessed

By Paul James, Ghostwitch Dec. 11. Hour 24, Contentions, Mothership, Duel Dec. 13 MUDVILLE MUSIC ROOM, 3104 Atlantic Blvd., 352-7008 Bluegrass Birthday Bash, Tyler Williams Band 7:30 p.m.

Dec. 9. Pierce Pettis 7:30 p.m. Dec. 10. Jazz Session Dec. 11. Larry Mangum, Lauren Heitz, Paul Garfinkel Dec. 12.

Underhill Rose Dec. 13 RIVER CITY BREWING CO., 835 Museum Cir., 398-2299 Live music 9 p.m. every Sat.

DEATH TRAP FOR CUTIE WITH THE HOLIDAYS UPON US, AND SO MUCH TO get done, I figured I’d take a week off and pass the responsibilities of this hallowed column to a young hipster couple. They live around the corner from me in a garage apartment. He, Devon, works at a local espresso shop and is an aspiring DJ and graphic artist. She, Bethany, makes her own soap from recycled leftover soap and writes poetry she calls “lyrics to future songs to save the world.”

They are tasked with reviewing “Appalachian Death Trap,” the new release by the eponymous Jacksonville progressive metal band. Take it away, guys...

Bethany: Dev, what does eponymous mean?

Devon: I have no idea.

B: So what are we listening to?

D: Appalachian Death Trap. Four guys who play, um, “progressive metal.”

B: What’s that?

D: I have no idea.

D: Hey, listen how the guitars pan back and forth in the break. I might try that with my virtual turntables at my next gig. Let’s skip ahead to “Lazarus.”

B: I had a creative writing class with a guy named Lazarus. He seemed very spiritual.

D: This is a great song. Sounds like Mastodon, but even more melodic.

B: Who? D: Remember when we were waiting for Mumford & Sons to come on at the Stinky Long & Sweaty Music Fest last summer? The sound guy was blasting Mastodon over the speakers before they came on. I think he was doing it to piss everyone off. Anyway, they’re really good. I might remix one of their songs, but I need new software, and I my tips have sucked this month.

B: I love you.

D: Ditto, sweetie.

THE KNIFE

B: The first song is called “Oxford Cloth Psycho.”

What does that ... oh, never mind.

D: Oooh, that’s loud. The guitars are crunchy. I think they recorded this in C, so it sounds meaner.

The riffs are cool.

B: Why is he singing like the guy from “Les Misérables”?

D: I have no idea.

B: Play “Faces Be Damned.” Funny name.

D: Heh. Yeah.

B: This one has a good beat.

D: Good lyrics, too.

B: Very positive. Higher consciousness stuff.

D: Drummer’s pretty good. Who is it?

B: It says Sean Morrison on, oops, “drurms.”

B & D: TYYYYY-PO! B: I love you.

D: Right back atcha, hon.

B: Play track two. This one is scaring me. He just said, “Potential can kill, rotting inside of us.” So dark. I like rainbows and beards and stuff.

D: Me, too. And virtual turntables. LOVE those! OK, this one is called “Into the Wilderness.” Those guitars sound like something my dad listens to. Some band from the ’80s, Metal Maiden or something.

B: Well, I like that they are singing – or yelling, really – about taking an adventure into Mother Nature. Wonder if they have neck beards and wear flannels? I’m starting to like these guys.

D: OK, there are nine songs, but I think we are running out of space.

B: Number eight is “Never Tear Us Apart.”

Don’t you spin that for ’80s night? It’s by In Excess, right?

D: You pronounced it wrong. It’s INXS. B: With the guy who killed himself jerk...

D: Please … don’t go there.

B: I don’t like this. It’s so ...

D: Metal?

B: That’s one way of putting it.

Overset SOUTHSIDE, BAYMEADOWS, ARLINGTON

LATITUDE 360, 10370 Philips Hwy., 365-5555 DJ Dohan, Be Easy 8 p.m. Dec. 10. Blue Stone Circle Dec. 11 & 12.

Skytrain Dec. 13. Live music most weekends MELLOW MUSHROOM, 1800 Town Ctr. Blvd., 541-1999 Darren Corlew Dec. 10. Wes Cobb Dec. 11. Kury Lanham Dec. 12. Live music most weekends WHISKEY JAX, 10915 Baymeadows, 634-7208 Spanky 9:30 p.m. Dec. 11. Dirty Pete 10 p.m. Dec. 12. Country Jam every Wed. Melissa Smith every Thur. Mojo Roux Blues every Sun. WORLD OF BEER, 9700 Deer Lake Ct., Ste. 1, 551-5929 Live music most weekends

SPRINGFIELD, NORTHSIDE

SHANTYTOWN PUB, 22 W. Sixth St., 798-8222 Live music most weekends THREE LAYERS COFFEEHOUSE, 1602 Walnut St., 3559791 Bugsy for Life Dec. 12. #Loud Dec. 15

THE KNIFE

D: Last song.

B: “Strip Clubs Keep Me Sober.” What does that even mean?

D: I don’t know. I get drunk when I go to strip clubs.

B: Stop it, silly, you don’t go to strip clubs.

D: No ... of course not ... Sooo ... this one sounds a lot like Tool. Pretty neat.

B: What’s Tool?

D: Remember when we were driving up to see Foals at the We Wish We Were Radiohead Gathering in Portland? And Brente kept playing that band over and over again in the Prius, because he knew it would upset you and Tamara?

B: That was Tool?

D: Yep. B: Ewwww.

D: Well, I like this last track. Even if it is about strip clubs, which I never go to ... ever.

B: I love you.

D: I love you, too.

John E. Citrone theknife@folioweekly.com ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Appalachian Death Trap performs with High on Fire and CrowBar on Dec. 19 at Underbelly, Downtown, underbellylive.com.

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 31

Delectable eats, sweet treats and friendly folks await at Downtown’s Candy Apple Café.

Photo by Dennis Ho

DINING DIRECTORY AMELIA ISLAND, FERNANDINA BEACH

29 SOUTH EATS, 29 S. Third St., 277-7919, 29southrest aurant.com. F Chef Scotty Schwartz’s traditional regional cuisine has modern twist. $$ L Tue.-Sat.; D Mon.-Sat.; R Sun. BARBERITOS, 1519 Sadler Rd., 277-2505. 463867 S.R. 200, Ste. 5, Yulee, 321-2240, barberitos.com. F Southwestern fare; burritos, tacos, quesadillas, salsa. $$ BW K TO L D Daily BEACH DINER, 2006 S. Eighth St., 310-3750, beachdiner. com. Innovative breakfast: Eggs on the Bayou, fish-n-grits; French toast, riders, omelets. Lunch fare: salads, burgers, sandwiches, shrimp & crabmeat salad. $$ BW K TO L D Daily BEECH STREET Bar & Grill, 801 Beech St., 572-1390, beech streetbarandgrill.com. In a restored 1889 home, Chef Charles creates with fresh, local ingredients. Local seafood, handcut Florida steaks, housemade pasta, daily specials, small plates, street food. $$$-$$$$ FB D Tue.-Sat.; Brunch, D Sun. BRETT’S WATERWAY CAFÉ, 1 S. Front St., 261-2660. F Southern hospitality, upscale waterfront spot; daily specials, fresh local seafood, aged beef. $$$ FB K L D Daily CAFÉ KARIBO, 27 N. Third St., 277-5269, cafekaribo.com.

F Family-owned; historic building. Veggie burgers, seafood, made-from-scratch desserts. Dine in or on oak-shaded patio.

Karibrew Pub next door. $$ FB K TO R, Sun.; L D Daily CHEZ LEZAN BAKERY CO., 1014 Atlantic Ave., 491-4663, chezlezanbakery.com. Fresh European-style breads, pastries: croissants, muffins, cakes, pies. $ TO B R L Daily DAVID’S Restaurant & Lounge, 802 Ash St., 310-6049, ameliaislanddavids.com. Fine dining, historic district.

Fresh seafood, prime aged meats, rack of lamb. $$$$ FB D Wed.-Mon. DICK’S Wings & Grill, 474313 E. S.R. 200, 491-3469. 450077 S.R. 200, Callahan, 879-0993. 2015 BOJ winner. SEE O. PARK. ELIZABETH POINTE Lodge, 98 S. Fletcher Ave., 277-4851, elizabethpointelodge.com. F Award-winning B&B. Seaside dining, inside or out. Hot buffet breakfast daily. Homestyle soups, sandwiches, desserts. $$$ BW B L D Daily JACK & DIANE’S, 708 Centre St., 321-1444, jackanddianes cafe.com. F 1887 shotgun house. Jambalaya, French toast, mac-n-cheese, vegan/vegetarian. Porch. $$ FB K B L D Daily LULU’S at Thompson House, 11 S. 7th St., 432-8394, lulusamelia.com. F Po’boys, salads, local seafood, local shrimp. Reservations. $$$ BW K TO R Sun.; L D Tue.-Sat. MOON RIVER Pizza, 925 S. 14th St., 321-3400, moonriver pizza.net. F 2015 BOJ winner. Authentic Northern-style pizzas, 20+ toppings, pie or the slice. $ BW TO L D Mon.-Sat. THE MUSTARD SEED CAFÉ, 833 TJ Courson Rd., 277-3141, nassaushealthfoods.net. Casual organic eatery, juice bar, in Nassau Health Foods. All-natural organic items, smoothies, juice, herbal tea. $$ TO B L Mon.-Sat.

32 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

PABLO’S Mexican Restaurant Grill & Cantina, 12 N. Second St., 261-0049. Chicken, carnes, fajitas, burritos, tacos, daily specials. Margaritas. $$$ FB K TO L D Daily THE PECAN ROLL BAKERY, 122 S. Eighth St., 491-9815, thepecanrollbakery.com. F Near historic district. Sweet and savory pastries, cookies, cakes, bagels, breads, made from scratch. $ K TO B L Wed.-Sun. PI INFINITE COMBINATIONS, 19 S. Third St., 432-8535, pi32034.wix.com/piinfinite. All bar service; NYC-style.

Specialty pizzas, pie/slice, toppings: truffle mushrooms, little neck clams, eggs, shrimp. Courtyard. $$ BW TO L D Wed.-Sun. PLAE, 80 Amelia Village Cir., 277-2132, plaefl.net. Bite Club. Bistro-style venue serves whole fried fish, duck breast.

Outside. $$$ FB L Tue.-Sat.; D Nightly SALTY PELICAN Bar & Grill, 12 N. Front St., 277-3811, thesaltypelicanamelia.com. F BOJ winner. Second-story outdoor bar. Owners T.J. and Al offer local seafood, Mayport shrimp, fish tacos, po’boys, cheese oysters. $$ FB K L D Daily SLIDERS Seaside Grill, 1998 S. Fletcher Ave., 277-6652, slidersseaside.com. F Oceanfront. Crabcakes, fresh seafood, fried pickles. Open-air 2nd floor, balcony. $$ FB K L D Daily T-RAY’S BURGER STATION, 202 S. Eighth St., 261-6310. F 2015 BOJ winner. In an old gas station; blue plate specials, burgers, biscuits & gravy, shrimp. $ BW TO B L Mon.-Sat.

ARLINGTON, REGENCY

DICK’S Wings & Grill, 9119 Merrill Rd., 745-9300. 2015 BOJ winner. SEE ORANGE PARK. LARRY’S Subs, 1301 Monument Rd., 724-5802. F SEE O.PARK. The STEAKHOUSE @ Gold Club, 320 Gen. Doolittle Dr., 645-5500, jacksonvillegoldclub.com. Lunch and dinner specials, free happy hour buffets Thur. & Fri. $$$ FB L D Daily

AVONDALE, ORTEGA

FLORIDA CREAMERY, 3566 St. Johns Ave., 619-5386. Ice cream, waffle cones, milkshakes, sundaes, Nathan’s grilled hot dogs. Low-fat and sugar-free choices. $ K TO L D Daily

To get your restaurant listed here, just call your account manager or Sam Taylor at 904.260.9770 ext. 111 or staylor@folioweekly.com.

DINING DIRECTORY KEY

Average Entrée Cost $ = Less than $8 $$ = $8-$14 $$$ = $15-$22 $$$$ = $23 & up BW = Beer/Wine FB = Full Bar K = Kids’ Menu TO = Take Out B = Breakfast R = Brunch L = Lunch D = Dinner Bite Club = Hosted free FW Bite Club tasting. fwbiteclub.com.

2015 Best of Jax winner F = FW distribution spot

HARPOON LOUIE’S, 4070 Herschel St., Ste. 8, 389-5631, harpoonlouies.net. F Locally owned & operated 20+ years.

American pub. 1/2-pound burgers, fish sandwiches, pasta.

Local beers. $$ FB K TO L D Daily MELLOW MUSHROOM Pizza Bakers, 3611 St. Johns Ave., 388-0200. F Bite Club. 2015 BOJ winner. SEE BEACHES. MOJO NO. 4 Urban BBQ & Whiskey Bar, 3572 St. Johns Ave., 381-6670. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE BEACHES. PINEGROVE Market & Deli, 1511 PineGrove Ave., 389-8655, pinegrovemarket.com. F BOJ winner. 40+ years. Burgers, Cuban sandwiches, subs, wraps. Onsite butcher cuts USDA choice prime aged beef. Craft beers. $ BW TO B L D Mon.-Sat. RESTAURANT ORSAY, 3630 Park St., 381-0909, restaurant orsay.com. 2015 BOJ winner. French/Southern bistro; locally grown organic ingredients. Steak frites, mussels, pork chops. Snail of Approval. $$$ FB K R, Sun.; D Nightly SIMPLY SARA’S, 2902 Corinthian Ave., 387-1000, simply saras.net. F Down-home fare, from scratch: eggplant fries, pimento cheese, baked chicken, fruit cobblers, chicken & dumplings, desserts. BYOB. $$ K TO L D Mon.-Sat., B Sat.

BAYMEADOWS

AL’S PIZZA, 8060 Philips Hwy., Ste. 105, 731-4300. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE BEACHES. INDIA’S Restaurant, 9802 Baymeadows, Ste. 8, 620-0777, indiajax.com. F 2015 BOJ winner. Authentic cuisine, lunch buffet. Curries, vegetable dishes, lamb, chicken, shrimp, fish tandoori. $$ BW L Mon.-Sat.; D Nightly LARRY’S Giant Subs, 3928 Baymeadows, 737-7740. 8616 Baymeadows Rd., 739-2498. F SEE ORANGE PARK. METRO DINER, 9802 Baymeadows, 425-9142. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE SAN MARCO. NATIVE SUN Natural Foods Market & Deli, 11030 Baymeadows, 260-2791. SEE MANDARIN. PATTAYA THAI Grille, 9551 Baymeadows, Ste. 1, 646-9506, ptgrille.com. Family-owned Thai place serves traditional fare, vegetarian, new Thai; curries, seafood, noodles, soups. Lowsodium, gluten-free, too. $$$ BW TO L D Tue.-Sun. TEQUILA’S Mexican Restaurant, 10915 Baymeadows, Ste. 101, 363-1365, tequilasjacksonville.com. F Authentic fare, made daily with fresh ingredients. Vegetarian dishes; daily drink specials. Nonstop happy hour. $$ FB L D Daily The WELL Watering Hole, 3928 Baymeadows Rd., Ste. 9, 737-7740, thewellwateringhole.com. Local craft beers, wines by glass/bottle, champagne cocktails. Meatloaf sandwich, pulled Peruvian chicken, homestyle vegan black bean burgers. $$ BW K TO D Tue.-Sat. WHISKEY JAX, 10915 Baymeadows, Ste. 135, 634-7208, whiskeyjax.com. New gastropub has craft beers, burgers, handhelds, tacos, whiskey. $$ FB L D Sat. & Sun.; D Daily.

DINING DIRECTORY BEACHES

(Locations are in Jax Beach unless otherwise noted.)

AL’S PIZZA, 303 Atlantic Blvd., Atlantic Beach, 249-0002, alspizza.com. F 2015 BOJ winner. New York-style, gourmet pizzas, baked dishes. All-day happy hour Mon.-Thur. $ FB K TO L D Daily ANGIE’S SUBS, 1436 Beach Blvd., 246-2519. ANGIE’S GROM, 204 Third Ave. S., 246-7823. F 2015 BOJ winner.

Subs made with fresh ingredients for more than 25 years.

One word: Peruvian. Huge salads, blue-ribbon iced tea. $ BW TO L D Daily BOLD BEAN COFFEE ROASTERS, 2400 S. Third St., Ste. 201. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE RIVERSIDE. ESPETO Brazilian Steakhouse, 1396 Beach Blvd., 3884884, espetosteakhouse.com. Just relocated, serving beef, pork, lamb, chicken, sausage; full menu, bar fare, craft cocktails, Brazilian beers. $$ FB D Daily EUROPEAN STREET CAFÉ, 992 Beach Blvd., 249-3001. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE RIVERSIDE. FLYING IGUANA Taqueria & Tequila Bar, 207 Atlantic Blvd., NB, 853-5680 F 2015 BOJ winner. Latin American, tacos, seafood, carnitas, Cubana fare. 100+ tequilas. $ FB L D Daily LARRY’S Subs, 657 Third St. N., 247-9620. F SEE O.PARK. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 1018 Third St. N., Ste. 2, 241-5600, mellowmushroom.com. F Bite Club. 2015 BOJ winner.

Hoagies, gourmet pizzas: Mighty Meaty, vegetarian, Kosmic Karma. 35 tap beers. Nonstop happy hour. $ FB K TO L D Daily METRO DINER, 1534 Third St. N., 853-6817. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE SAN MARCO. MEZZA Restaurant & Bar, 110 First St., NB, 249-5573, mezzarestaurantandbar.com. F Near-the-ocean spot, 20+ years. Casual bistro fare: gourmet wood-fired pizzas, nightly specials. Dine in, or patio. $$$ FB K D Mon.-Sat. MOJO KITCHEN BBQ Pit, 1500 Beach Blvd., 247-6636, mojobbq.com. F 2015 BOJ winner. Pulled pork, beef, chicken, Carolina-style, Delta fried catfish, sides. $$ FB K TO L D Daily NIPPERS Beach Grille, 2309 Beach Blvd., 247-3300, nippers beachgrille.com. Chef-driven Southern coastal cuisine, dishes with Caribbean flavor. Island atmosphere on the ICW. Dine in or on Tiki deck. $$ FB K L D Wed.-Sun.; D Mon. & Tue. POE’S Tavern, 363 Atlantic Blvd., AB, 241-7637. Gastropub, 50+ beers, gourmet burgers, hand-cut fries, fish tacos, Edgar’s Drunken Chili, daily fish sandwich special. $$ FB K L D Daily RAGTIME TAVERN & Seafood Grill, 207 Atlantic Blvd., AB, 241-7877, ragtimetavern.com. F For 30+ years, iconic seafood place. Blackened snapper, sesame tuna, Ragtime shrimp. Daily happy hour. $$ FB L D Daily SALT LIFE FOOD SHACK, 1018 Third St. N., 372-4456, saltlifefoodshack.com. Specialties: signature tuna poke bowl, fresh sushi, Ensenada tacos, local fried shrimp, in modern open-air space. $$ FB K TO L D Daily SLIDERS Seafood Grille & Oyster Bar, 218 First St., NB, 246-0881, slidersseafoodgrille.com. Beach-casual spot.

Faves: Fresh fish tacos, gumbo. Key lime pie, ice cream sandwiches. $$ FB K L Sat. & Sun.; D Nightly SNEAKERS Sports Grille, 111 Beach Blvd., 482-1000, sneakerssportsgrille.com. 2015 BOJ winner. 20+ tap

GRILL ME!

thezodiacbarandgrill.com. Mediterranean cuisine, American fare, paninis, vegetarian dishes. Daily lunch buffet. Espressos, hookahs. Happy hour Wed.-Sat. $ FB L Mon.-Fri.

FLEMING ISLAND

GRASSROOTS Natural Market, 1915 East-West Parkway, 541-0009. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE RIVERSIDE. MELLOW MUSHROOM Pizza Bakers, 1800 Town Ctr. Blvd., 541-1999. F Bite Club. 2015 BOJ winner. SEE BEACHES. MOJO SMOKEHOUSE, 1810 Town Center Blvd., Ste. 8, 264-0636. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE BEACHES. WHITEY’S FISH CAMP, 2032 C.R. 220, 269-4198, whiteys fishcamp.com. F Real fish camp. Gator tail, freshwater catfish, daily specials, on Swimming Pen Creek. Tiki bar. Come by boat, bike or car. $ FB K TO L Tue.-Sun.; D Nightly

INTRACOASTAL WEST

AL’S Pizza, 14286 Beach, Ste. 31, 223-0991. F ’15 BOJ winner. SEE BEACHES. DICK’S, 14286 Beach, 223-0115. F ’15 BOJ. SEE O.PARK. LARRY’S, 10750 Atlantic, Ste. 14, 642-6980. F SEE O.PARK. TIME OUT Sports Grill, 13799 Beach, Ste. 5, 223-6999, timeoutsportsgrill.com. F Locally-owned-and-operated.

Hand-tossed pizzas, wings, wraps. Daily drink specials, HDTVs. Late-nite menu. $$ FB L Tue.-Sun.; D Nightly

MANDARIN, NW ST. JOHNS

AKEL’S Deli, 12926 Granbay Pkwy. W., 880-2008. F SEE DOWNTOWN.

AL’S PIZZA, 11190 San Jose Blvd., 260-4115. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE BEACHES. ATHENS Café, 6271 St. Augustine Rd., Ste. 7, 733-1199.

F Dolmades (stuffed grape leaves), baby shoes (stuffed eggplant). Greek beers. $$ BW L Mon.-Fri.; D Mon.-Sat. DICK’S Wings, 10391 Old St. Augustine Rd., 880-7087. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE ORANGE PARK. FIRST COAST Deli & Grill, 6082 St. Augustine Rd., 733-7477.

Diner: pancakes, bacon, sandwiches, burgers. $ K TO B L Daily LARRY’S Subs, 11365 San Jose, 674-2945. F SEE O.PARK. METRO DINER, 12807 San Jose Blvd., 638-6185. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE SAN MARCO. NATIVE SUN Natural Foods Market & Deli, 10000 San Jose Blvd., 260-6950, nativesunjax.com. F Organic soups, sandwiches, wraps, baked goods, prepared foods. Juice, smoothie and coffee bar. All-natural, organic beers, wines.

Indoor, outdoor dining. $ BW TO K B L D Daily THE RED ELEPHANT Pizza & Grill, 10131 San Jose Blvd., Ste. 12, 683-3773, redelephantpizza.com. Casual, familyfriendly eatery. Pizzas, sandwiches, grill specials, burgers, pasta, plus gluten-free-friendly items. $ FB K L D Daily

ORANGE PARK

DICK’S Wings & Grill, 6055 Youngerman Cir., 778-1101, dickswingsandgrill.com. 1803 East West Pkwy., 375-2559.

2015 BOJ winner. NASCAR theme. 365 varieties of wings, half-pound burgers, ribs. $ FB K TO L D Daily

SEAN BEENE

Kitchen on San Marco, 1402 San Marco Blvd., Jacksonville BIRTHPLACE: Chattanooga, Tennessee

YEARS IN THE BIZ: 13

FAVORITE RESTAURANT (other than mine): Carniceria Loa FAVORITE CUISINE STYLE: Southern GO-TO INGREDIENT: Butter, pork, root vegetables IDEAL MEAL: The spicier, the better.

WON’T CROSS MY LIPS: There is nothing I wouldn’t eat.

INSIDER’S SECRET: Pay attention to everything.

CELEBRITY SIGHTING AT MY RESTAURANT: Tito Sosa CULINARY TREAT: Cold pizza beers, TVs. Happy hour Mon.-Fri. $ FB K L D Daily SURFING SOMBRERO, 222 First St. N., 834-9377. New oceanfront place serves authentic fare – like paella. Drink specials. Dine in or outside. $$ FB L D Daily SURFWICHES Sandwich Shop, 1537 Penman Rd., 241-6996, surfwiches.com. New craft sandwich shop has Yankee-style steaks and hoagies, all made to order. $ BW TO K L D Daily

DOWNTOWN

AKEL’S Deli, 21 W. Church St., 665-7324, akelsdeli.com.

F New York-style deli has freshly made subs (3 Wise Guys, Champ), burgers, gyros, breakfast bowls, ranchero wrap, vegetarian items. $ K TO B L Mon.-Fri. THE CANDY APPLE Café & Cocktails, 400 N. Hogan St., 353-9717, thecandyapplecafe.com. Sandwiches, entrées, salads. $$ FB K L, Mon.; L D Tue.-Sun. CASA DORA, 108 E. Forsyth St., 356-8282. F Chef Sam Hamidi has served genuine Italian fare 35+ years: veal, seafood, gourmet pizza. Homemade salad dressing. $ BW K L Mon.-Fri.; D Mon.-Sat. OLIO Market, 301 E. Bay St., 356-7100, oliomarket.com.

F From-scratch soups, sandwiches. Duck grilled cheese, seen on Best Sandwich in America. $$ BW TO B R L Mon.-Fri. SWEET PETE’S, 400 N. Hogan St., 376-7161. F All-natural sweet shop has candy made of all natural flavors, no artificial anything. Several kinds of honey. $ TO Daily ZODIAC Bar & Grill, 120 W. Adams St., 354-8283,

THE HILLTOP, 2030 Wells Rd., 272-5959, hilltop-club.com.

Southern-style fine dining. New Orleans shrimp, certified Black Angus prime rib, she-crab soup, desserts. Extensive bourbon selection. $$$ FB D Tue.-Sat. LARRY’S Giant Subs, 1330 Blanding, 276-7370. 1545 C.R. 220, 278-2827. 700 Blanding, Ste. 15, 272-3553. 5733 Roosevelt, 446-9500. 1401 S. Orange Ave., Green Cove, 284-7789, larryssubs.com. F All over the area, Larry’s piles ’em high, serves ’em fast; 33+ years. Hot & cold subs, soups, salads. Some Larry’s serve breakfast. $ K TO B L D Daily METRO DINER, 2034 Kingsley Ave., 375-8548. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE SAN MARCO. SNACSHACK, 179 College Dr., Ste. 19, 682-7622, snac shack.menu. F Bakery and café has bagels, muffins, breads, cookies, brownies, snack treats. $$ K BW TO B, L & D Daily

PONTE VEDRA BEACH

AL’S Pizza, 635 A1A, 543-1494. F ’15 BOJ. SEE BEACHES. DICK’S Wings, 100 Marketside Ave., 829-8134, dickswings andgrill.com. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE ORANGE PARK. LARRY’S SUBS, 830 A1A N., 273-3993. F SEE ORANGE PARK.

RIVERSIDE, 5 POINTS, WESTSIDE

13 GYPSIES, 887 Stockton St., 389-0330, 13gypsies.com.

2015 BOJ winner. Authentic Mediterranean peasant cuisine updated for Americans; tapas, blackened octopus, risotto of

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 33

DINING DIRECTORY the day, coconut mango curry chicken. $$ BW L D Tue.-Sat. AKEL’S Deli, 245 Riverside Ave., 791-3336. F SEE DOWNTOWN. AL’S Pizza, 1620 Margaret St., 388-8384. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE BEACHES. BLACK SHEEP Restaurant, 1534 Oak, 355-3793, blackshe ep5points.com. New American, Southern twist; locally sourced ingredients. Rooftop bar. $$$ FB R Sat. & Sun.; L D Daily BOLD BEAN Coffee Roasters, 869 Stockton St., Stes. 1 & 2, 855-1181. F 2015 BOJ winner. Small-batch, artisanal coffee roasting. Organic, fair trade. $ BW TO B L Daily BREW FIVE POINTS, 1024 Park St., 714-3402, brewfive points.com. F 2015 BOJ winner. Local craft beer, espresso, coffee, wine. Rotating drafts, 75+ can craft beers; sodas, tea. Rotating seasonal menu: waffles, pastries, toasts, desserts, specialty coffees, craft beers. $$ BW K B L Daily CORNER TACO, 818 Post St., 240-0412, cornertaco.com.

Made-from-scratch “Mexclectic street food,” tacos, nachos, gluten-free, vegetarian options. $ BW L D Daily.

DERBY ON PARK, 1068 Park St., 379-3343. New American cuisine, upscale retro atmosphere in historic landmark building. Shrimp & grits, lobster bites, 10-oz. gourmet burger.

Dine inside or out. $$ FB TO Wknd brunch. B, L D Tue.-Sun. EDGEWOOD Bakery, 1012 S. Edgewood Ave., 389-8054, edgewoodbakery.com. 68+ years, full-service. From-scratch pastries, petit fours, pies, custom cakes. Espresso/pastry café: sandwiches, smoothies, soups. $$ K TO B L Tue.-Sat. EUROPEAN STREET Café, 2753 Park St., 384-9999. 2015 BOJ winner. 130+ import beers, 20 on tap. Sandwiches.

Outside dining at some EStreets. $ BW K L D Daily GRASSROOTS Natural Market, 2007 Park St., 384-4474, thegrassrootsmarket.com. F BOJ winner. Juice bar; organic fruits, veggies. 300+ craft/imports, 50 wines, meats, deli, raw, vitamins. Wraps, sandwiches. $ BW TO B L D Daily HAWKERS ASIAN Street Fare, 1001 Park St., 508-0342, hawkerstreetfare.com. 2015 BOJ winner. Authentic dishes from mobile stalls. $ BW TO L D Daily JOHNNY’S Deli & Grille, 474 Riverside Ave., 356-8055. F Casual; sandwiches, classic salads, homefries. $ TO B L Daily KNEAD BAKESHOP, 1173 Edgewood Ave. S., 634-7617 Locally-owned, family-run shop; made-from-scratch pastries, artisan breads, pies, sandwiches, soups. $ TO B L Tue.-Sun. LARRY’S Subs, 1509 Margaret, 674-2794. 7895 Normandy,

781-7600. 8102 Blanding, 779-1933. F SEE O.PARK. METRO DINER, 4495 Roosevelt Blvd., 999-4600. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE SAN MARCO. MONROE’S Smokehouse BAR-B-Q, 4838 Highway Ave., 389-5551, monroessmokehousebbq.com. Wings, pulled pork, brisket, turkey, chicken, ribs. Sides: beans, baked beans, mac-n-cheese, collards. $$ K TO L Mon.-Sat.; D Fri. MOON RIVER PIZZA, 1176 Edgewood Ave. S., 389-4442. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE AMELIA ISLAND. MOSSFIRE GRILL, 1537 Margaret St., 355-4434, mossfire. com. F Southwestern fish tacos, enchiladas. HH Mon.-Sat. upstairs lounge, all day Sun. $$ FB K L D Daily O’BROTHERS Irish Pub, 1521 Margaret, 854-9300, obroth ersirishpub.com. F Shepherd’s pie w/Stilton crust, Guinness mac-n-cheese, fish-n-chips. Patio. $$ FB K TO L D Daily PATTAYA Thai Grille, 1526 King, 503-4060. SEE BAYMEADOWS. rain dogs, 1045 Park, 379-4969. BOJ winner. Bar food. $ D SBRAGA & COMPANY, 220 Riverside Ave., Ste. 114, 746-0909, sbragadining.com. Chef Kevin Sbraga’s newest place offers a contemporary approach to local cultural influences. Go-to dishes: hog & hominy, fish fry, carrot ceviche. $$-$$$ FB TO L D Daily SOUTHERN ROOTS Filling Station, 1275 King St., 513-4726, southernrootsjax.com. 2015 BOJ winner. Healthy, light vegan fare; local, organic ingredients. Specials, on bread, local greens or rice, change daily. Coffees, teas. $ Tue.-Sun. SUSHI CAFÉ, 2025 Riverside, Ste. 204, 384-2888, sushicafe jacksonville.com. F Monster, Rock-n-Roll, Dynamite Roll.

Hibachi, tempura, katsu, teriyaki. $$ BW L D Daily

ST. AUGUSTINE

AL’S Pizza, 1 St. George St., 824-4383. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE BEACHES. CARMELO’S Marketplace & Pizzeria, 146 King St., 494-6658, carmelosmarketplace.com. New York-style brick-oven-baked pizza, fresh sub rolls, Boar’s Head meats & cheeses, garlic herb wings. Outdoor seating, Wi-Fi. $$ BW TO L D Daily DICK’S Wings & Grill, 965 S.R. 16, 825-4540. 4010 U.S. 1 S., 547-2669. 2015 BOJ winner. SEE ORANGE PARK. THE FLORIDIAN, 39 Cordova St., 829-0655, thefloridian staug.com. 2015 BOJ winner. Updated Southern fare.

BITE-SIZED

photo by Rebecca Gibson

TIP TOP

34 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

Westside spot BITE is WORTH THE HAUL

SIZED

THAI

favorite food; needless to say, that cucumber TUPTIM THAI, ON JACKSONVILLE’S WESTSIDE, salad didn’t last long. was my first introduction to the world of curries My server recommended her favorite entrée: and sticky rice, so it holds a place in my culinary Pad Bai Kra Prow, which included the soup of the heart. (Or should I say stomach?) day and a spring roll, all for $7.95. Clearly, I need For me, a Westside visit involves a stressful, to swing by Tuptim at lunchtime more often. My 30-minute drive through the maze of Downtown Pad Bai Kra Prow was a mix of carrots, green and I-10, so I don’t head over there too often – and red peppers, basil, and deliciously crunchy unless I’m going to Tuptim. Taking in the savory onions. The jasmine rice was good for soaking up scents and admiring the elephant parade on the the flavors of the chicken and veggies. I usually tablecloth, I always feel comfortable there. If I’m douse my Thai food with extra sauce, and then not already in the mood for Thai food (unlikely), regret being too liberal with stepping into artfully decorated spices. This time, I ate my Tuptim will kick in my cravings.

TUPTIM THAI TWO dish as it was served, and I recently visited Tuptim 5907 Roosevelt Blvd., Ste. 200, enjoyed it immensely. during lunch hours (11 a.m.-3 Westside, 619-0406 p.m.), a new experience for After an appetizer, soup, me. While I’m always down for a spring roll, and a full plate, pot stickers and dumplings, was I still hungry? Not in the I figured this time I’d branch out. After asking slightest. Did I order dessert anyway? Of course. about the most traditionally inspired appetizer, My favorite sticky rice was out of season, so I went I ordered, with slight reluctance, fish cakes with ice cream. What I love about green tea ice ($6.95). I should know, at this point, that my cream ($3.95) is its mild flavor that catches the hesitancy is almost always unfounded. The little potency of green tea without being too overbearing. fried patties were delicious, a blend of moist fish I ate the whole cup, whipped cream and all. meat, kaffir lime leaf, chili paste, and long bean.

Rebecca Gibson The cakes were on a bed of iceberg, so I could mail@folioweekly.com easily make miniature lettuce wraps. The dish ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– included a side of cucumber salad in a sweet and Read about more of Rebecca’s local dining slightly sour dressing. Cucumbers are my third adventures at somewhereinthecityjax.com

Vegetarian, gluten-free. Fried green tomato bruschetta, grits with shrimp, fish or tofu. $$$ BW K TO L D Wed.-Mon. GYPSY CAB COMPANY, 828 Anastasia Blvd., 824-8244, gypsycab.com. F Local mainstay 25+ years. Varied menu changes twice daily. Signature dish: Gypsy chicken. Seafood, tofu, duck, veal. Sun. brunch. $$ FB R Sun.; L D Daily MELLOW MUSHROOM Pizza Bakers, 410 Anastasia Blvd., 826-4040. F Bite Club. 2015 BOJ winner. SEE BEACHES. METRO DINER, 1000 S. Ponce de Leon Blvd., 758-3323. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE SAN MARCO. MOJO OLD CITY BBQ, 5 Cordova St., 342-5264. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE BEACHES. ONE TWENTY THREE BURGER HOUSE, 123 King St., 687-2790. Spot from Carmelo’s owners. Premium burgers, made with beef from NYC butcher Schweid & Sons. Wood-fired pizzas, ice cream bar, Old World milkshakes. $$ BW K TO L D Daily SALT LIFE FOOD SHACK, 321 A1A Beach Blvd., 217-3256, saltlifefoodshack.com. SEE BEACHES.

SAN MARCO, SOUTHBANK

BASIL Thai & Sushi, 1004 Hendricks Ave., 674-0190, basil thaijax.com. F Authentic Pad Thai, curry, tempura, vegetarian, seafood, stir-fry, specials. $$ FB L D Mon.-Sat. BISTRO AIX, 1440 San Marco Blvd., 398-1949, bistrox. com. F Mediterranean/French inspired; steak frites, oakfired pizza, raw bar seasonal selections. $$$ FB TO L D Daily DICK’S Wings, 1610 University Blvd. W., 448-2110. 2015 BOJ winner. SEE ORANGE PARK. EUROPEAN STREET Café, 1704 San Marco, 398-9500.

2015 BOJ winner. SEE RIVERSIDE. $ BW K L D Daily FUSION SUSHI, 1550 University W., 636-8688, fusion sushijax.com. F Upscale sushi spot serves a variety of fresh sushi, sashimi, hibachi, teriyaki, kiatsu. $$ K L D Daily The GROTTO Wine & Tapas Bar, 2012 San Marco, 398-0726.

F Artisanal cheese plate, empanada, bruschetta, cheesecake. 60+ wines by the glass. $$$ BW Tue.-Sun. HAMBURGER MARY’S Bar & Grille, 3333 Beach, 551-2048, hamburgermarys.com. F BOJ winner. Wings, sammies, nachos, entrées, drinks, burgers. $$ K TO FB L D Daily KITCHEN on San Marco, 1402 San Marco, 396-2344, kitchenonsanmarco.com. BOJ winner. Local, national craft beers, specialty cocktails, seasonal menu, fresh, locally sourced ingredients. Sunday brunch. $$ FB L D Daily MEZZE Bar & Grill, 2016 Hendricks, 683-0693, mezzejax. com. Classic drinks, basil martinis, 35 drafts, local/craft brews, Mediterranean cuisine. Hookah. Happy hour. $$ FB D Daily METRO Diner, 3302 Hendricks, 398-3701, metrodiner.com.

F BOJ winner. Original upscale diner. Meatloaf, chicken pot pie, soups. $$ B R L Daily MOJO BAR-B-QUE, 1607 University Blvd. W., 732-7200. F 2015 BOJ winner. SEE BEACHES. PIZZA PALACE, 1959 San Marco Ave., 399-8815, pizzapala cejax.com. F Family-owned; spinach pizza, chicken spinach calzones, lasagna. Outside dining. $$ BW K TO L D Daily TAVERNA, 1986 San Marco Ave., 398-3005, tavernasan marco.com. Chef Sam Efron’s authentic Italian; local produce, meats. Craft beers, craft cocktails. $$$ FB K TO R L D Daily

SOUTHSIDE, TINSELTOWN

ALHAMBRA Theatre & Dining, 12000 Beach Blvd., 641-1212, alhambrajax.com. USA’s longest-running dinner theater; Chef DeJuan Roy’s themed menus.

Reservations. $$ FB D Tue.-Sun. BARBERITOS, 4320 Deerwood Lake Pkwy., Ste. 106, 807-9060. F SEE AMELIA ISLAND. DICK’S, 10750 Atlantic Blvd., 619-0954. BOJ. SEE O.PARK. DIM SUM Room, 9041 Southside, 363-9888, thedimsum room.com. Shrimp dumplings, sesame ball. Traditional Hong Kong noodles, barbecue. $ FB K L D Daily EUROPEAN STREET Café, 5500 Beach Blvd., 398-1717.

2015 BOJ winner. SEE RIVERSIDE. LARRY’S, 3611 St. Johns Bluff Rd. S., 641-6499. 4479 Deerwood Lake Pkwy., 425-4060. F SEE ORANGE PARK. MELLOW MUSHROOM, 9734 Deer Lake Ct., 997-1955. F Bite Club. 2015 BOJ winner. SEE BEACHES. MONROE’S Smokehouse BAR B-Q, 10771 Beach Blvd., 996-7900, monroessmokehousebbq.com. SEE RIVERSIDE. OVINTE, 10208 Buckhead Brnch Dr., 900-7730, ovinte. com. 2015 BOJ winner. European-style dining influenced by Italy, Spain, Mediterranean. Small plates, entrée-size portions, selections from charcuterie menu. $$$ BW TO R D Daily TAVERNA YAMAS, 9753 Deer Lake Ct., 854-0426, tavernayamas.com. F Bite Club. Char-broiled kabobs, seafood, wines, desserts. Belly dancing. $$ FB K L D Daily

SPRINGFIELD, NORTHSIDE

DICK’S Wings, 12400 Yellow Bluff Rd., Ste. 101, 619-9828.

2015 BOJ winner. SEE ORANGE PARK. HOLA Mexican Restaurant, 1001 N. Main St., 356-3100, holamexicanrestaurant.com. F Fajitas, burritos, enchiladas, daily specials. Happy hour; sangria. $ BW K TO L D Mon.-Sat. LARRY’S Subs, 12001 Lem Turner Rd., 764-9999. SEE ORANGE PARK.

To get your restaurant listed in our Dining Directory, call your account manager or Sam Taylor at 904.260.9770 ext. 111 or staylor@folioweekly.com.

DINING DIRECTORY KEY

Average Entrée Cost $ = Less than $8 $$ = $8-$14 $$$ = $15-$22 $$$$ = $23 & up BW=Beer/Wine FB=Full Bar K=Kids’ Menu TO=Take Out B=Breakfast R=Brunch L=Lunch D=Dinner Bite Club = Hosted free FW Bite Club tasting.

To join, go to fwbiteclub.com.

2014 Best of Jax winner F = FW distribution spot

LOOKIN’ FOR LOVE FOLIO

W E E K LY

FOLIO LIVING

PET

LOVERS’

GUIDE

DEAR DAVI

GO, DAVI, GO, GO, GO!

DOG AGILITY COURSES ARE GOOD FOR OUR bodies and our brains.

She’s holding a treat. Must … have … that … treat.

“Ready?” the woman called.

I was born ready – ready for that treat!

“Go!” That was my cue. With my eyes on the prize, I jumped over a hurdle, up a ramp, down a ramp, turned right – no, left – still chasing that treat.

I raced through a tunnel and onto a pause table – four, three, two, one … off I went again. Then, one more jump. Done.

While I caught my breath, my friend Julian the Lhasa Apso ran the course. Don’t be fooled by the long hair, he’s no rookie to competition. He fetches flying discs and clears agility obstacles in record time.

The other day, I joined Julian and his brothers at the training grounds to brush up on my skills. As we leaped over hurdles and climbed the A-frame, we recognized that these skills mimic our natural instincts. In the wild, dogs are hunters, chasing after prey. While in pursuit, we often jump over logs, burrow through bushes, and teeter on steep slopes. Since our goal is to catch the prey, time is important and the faster dog will wind up with a tasty meal.

Agility taps into these inherent abilities, but also challenges our body and mind. It’s the perfect combo of physical exercise and mental stimulation. Plus, it gives a dog and his owner something cool to do together. Dog sport trainer, Norma Brizzi agrees.

“It’s an excellent bonding activity for dogs and their people,” she says.

The training builds a common language between dog and owner as we reply to cues as we move through the course.

Jumps, tunnels, and walkways are just a few of the obstacles.

Interested in taking part? Competitions take place in the company of dogs and their owners,

so you must be comfortable with meeting strangers. Since competitions are off-leash, you must also be under control at all times and respond to basic obedience commands.

The good news? You don’t need to compete to reap the benefi ts. You can take a class to get your paws wet and then practice at home.

Whether for fun or competition, agility is a sport that can be done by dogs of all breeds and sizes. Obstacles can be adjusted and courses can be arranged to provide new challenges that strengthen our muscles and enrich our connection with our human.

Want to watch top canines out-dog the competition? Grab a leash and head to Jacksonville Equestrian Center on Dec. 11, 12 and 13 for The Paw & Pals USDAA Agility Trials. Admission is free. Contact Norma Brizzi at nmbrizzi@gmail.com or go to travisdgibson. wordpress.com for details.

Davi mail@folioweekly.com ____________________________________ Davi is a brown dachshund with an appetite for adventure. He loves sweet potato treats, playing at the park with friends, and exploring the unknown.

BEASTS OF BURDEN: PET TIP OF THE WEEK SLIDER … YOU STINK. With temperatures dropping, it’s important to strike a balance between your tolerance for filth and odor and your pet’s health. According to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, during the winter, washing a dog or cat too often can remove essential oils and increase the chance of developing dry, flaky skin. “If your pooch [or kitty] must be bathed,” according to the organization’s website, “ask your vet to recommend a moisturizing shampoo and/or rinse.”

A

D

SEBASTIAN

O

Young Stud Will Settle Down I’ve played the field and now I’m looking for my one true love. I’m still quite young, so if you adopt me, a lifetime of love awaits. Let’s take some long walks on the beach or toss a Frisbee and see where things go. Just wait until you see my tail wag in the candlelight, baby.

For adoption information, visit jaxhumane.org

P

T

A

B

L

E

S

LINDA

Shy Beauty Seeks Understanding Partner I’m tired of the shelter life; ready to find a forever home all my own. PDA isn’t my style, but if you have an open heart, I’ll show you how loyal and loving I am.

Can we talk over a nice can of tuna sometime? Your place sounds good to me.

For adoption information, visit jaxhumane.org

To see your pet event here, send event name, time, date, location with complete street address and city, admission price, contact number/website to print, to mdryden@folioweekly.com – at least two weeks before the event.

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 35

REAL ASTROLOGY

JONESINâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; THE FOLIO WEEKLY CROSSWORD by MATT JONES. Presented by

SAN MARCO 2044 SAN MARCO BLVD. 398-9741

PONTE VEDRA

THE SHOPPES OF PONTE VEDRA

330 A1A NORTH 280-1202

METALLICA, NICKI MINAJ, MOZART & MENLO PARK

SOUTHSIDE

AVONDALE 3617 ST. JOHNS AVE. 10300 SOUTHSIDE BLVD. 388-5406 394-1390 AVENUES MALL

â&#x20AC;&#x153;V: The Invasionâ&#x20AC;? (Sounds weird, but it works.)

1 6 10 14 15 16 17 19 20 21 22 24 25 26 27 28 29 32 36 37 38 39 44 45 46 47 49 50 53

ACROSS

Tyler of Archer â&#x20AC;&#x153;Omnia vincit ___â&#x20AC;?

Pygmalion playwright Athletic team The 29th state When repeated, a Billy Idol hit Chinese leader born in Norway? â&#x20AC;&#x153;This is for,â&#x20AC;? on an env.

One in Wiesbaden â&#x20AC;&#x153;Yes way, Jose!â&#x20AC;?

Elton John collaborator Bernie Messy digs Chopping tool â&#x20AC;&#x153;Free Spaceâ&#x20AC;? game Prefix for pod or corn Subtle signal April 15th payment Complaining when you have to stand for that stadium thing?

Gas used in signs Like a fossil Elevator pioneer Elisha Part of my Ukraine itinerary, maybe?

DMV-issued card Tabula _____ Bud on a tuber Number of legs on a daddy longlegs Beats by ___ (headphones brand) Law school grads, for short 1950 Isaac Asimov book

55 PBSâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;Science Kidâ&#x20AC;?

56 The World According to ___ (1982 film) 57 Spend fewer bucks 58 Economist Bodie at an animal attraction?

61 Company whose product names are in all caps 62 Collect from work 63 Barbershop tool 64 Presidential run?

65 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Let It Goâ&#x20AC;? singer 66 Fashion sense

DOWN

1 Stubborn beasts 2 Work release statement?

3 Cheerful 4 Airplane! star Robert 5 Letters on a toothpaste tube 6 Window alternative, on a flight 7 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Out of the way!â&#x20AC;? formally 8 Get behind?

9 Carrying on 10 Dragon faced by Bilbo Baggins 11 Touchy topic, so to speak 12 Apt to vote no 13 Las Vegas casino mogul Steve 18 2004 Britney Spears single 23 â&#x20AC;&#x153;My Wayâ&#x20AC;? songwriter Paul 25 Gallery wares

) $ 6 7

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42 Tiny Willy Wonka candies 43 Solid caustic 48 Steel girder 49 Known as â&#x20AC;&#x153;The Peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Princessâ&#x20AC;?

50 Like most â&#x20AC;&#x153;Peanutsâ&#x20AC;? soundtracks 51 Dog slobber 52 Mold particle 53 â&#x20AC;&#x153;___ just me ...â&#x20AC;?

54 Zen garden tool 55 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dearâ&#x20AC;? group 56 Winged pest 59 Batman Forever star Kilmer 60 Apr. 15 addressee

Solution to â&#x20AC;&#x153;Flour Powerâ&#x20AC;?

(Bake it a good one) (12/2/15)

26 Irwin who won this season of Dancing With the Stars 27 Work the bar 28 Womanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s name yelled at the end of The Flintstones 30 Tel ___, Israel 31 Marks a ballot, maybe 32 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Felicityâ&#x20AC;? star Russell 33 Narration work 34 Bring up 35 Made a tapestry, e.g.

36 Org. of Niners, but not Sixers 40 2012 Affleck film 41 Game played with five dice

36 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

ARIES (March 21-April 19): â&#x20AC;&#x153;Happiness sneaks through a door you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know you left open,â&#x20AC;? said actor John Barrymore.

I hope youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve left open a lot of doors. The more there are, the happier youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be. This is the week when joy, pleasure, and bliss find their ways into your life from unexpected sources and unanticipated directions. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re lucky, you also have a few forgotten cracks and neglected gaps where fi erce delights and crisp wonders can wander in.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): What state of mind do you desire the most? Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the quality of being you aspire to inhabit more and more as you grow older? Maybe itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the feeling of being deeply appreciated, an ability to see things as they really are, or an intuitive wisdom about how to cultivate vibrant relationships. Set an intention to cultivate this singular experience with passion and ingenuity. The timeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s right. Make a pact with yourself.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Like Metallica jamming with Nicki Minaj and Death Cab for Cutie on a passage from Mozartâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s opera The Magic Flute, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re redefining the meanings of the words â&#x20AC;&#x153;hybrid,â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;amalgamâ&#x20AC;? and â&#x20AC;&#x153;hodgepodge.â&#x20AC;? Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re mixing metaphors with panache, building bridges with cheeky verve. Some of your blends are messy mishmashes, but more are synergistic successes. With power granted to me by gods of mixing and matching, I authorize you to keep splurging on the urge to merge. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s your special time to experiment with magic of combining things that have rarely or never been combined.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): I hope you can figure out the difference between a fake cure and a real cure. Once you know which is which, I hope you do the right thing rather than the sentimental thing. For best results, keep these considerations in mind: The fake cure may taste sweeter than the real one. It may also be better packaged and more alluringly promoted. The only advantage the real one may have over the fake one?

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll actually work to heal you.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a sinuous, serpentine quality about you these days. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s as if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re the elegant, crafty hero of an epic myth set in the ancient future. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re sweeter and saucier, edgier and more extravagantly emotive. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re somehow a repository of tantalizing secrets and a fount of arousing revelations. As I meditate on your magic, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m reminded of a passage from Laini Taylorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s fantasy novel Daughter of Smoke & Bone: â&#x20AC;&#x153;She tastes like nectar and salt. Nectar and salt and apples. Pollen and stars and hinges. She tastes like fairy tales.

Swan maiden at midnight. Cream on the tip of a foxâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s tongue. She tastes like hope.â&#x20AC;?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I bought an old horoscope book at a garage sale for 25 cents. The cover was gone and some pages were water-damaged, so parts were hard to decipher. But this passage jumped out: â&#x20AC;&#x153;In romantic matters, Virgos initially tend to be cool, even standoffish. Their perfectionism may interfere with their ability to follow through on promising beginnings. But if they ever allow themselves to relax and go further, they will eventually ignite. And then, watch out! Their passion will generate intense heat and light.â&#x20AC;? This may apply to you in the weeks ahead.

Trust your intuition about which possibilities warrant caution and which deserve opening.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): â&#x20AC;&#x153;The secret of being a bore is to tell everything,â&#x20AC;? said French writer Voltaire. I agree, and add: To tell everything also tempts you to wrongly imagine you have everything completely figured out. Furthermore, it may compromise your

leverage in dicey situations where others are using information as a weapon. The moral of the story?

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t tell everything! I know this may be hard, since youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a good talker these days; your ability to express yourself is at a peak. What to do? When you speak, aim for quality over quantity. And always add a bit of mystery.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Ducks are the most unflappable creatures I know. Cats are often seen as the top practitioners of the â&#x20AC;&#x153;I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t give a f---â&#x20AC;? attitude, but I think ducks outshine them. When domestic felines show their classic aloofness, thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sometimes a subtext of annoyance or contempt.

But ducks are consistently as imperturbable as Zen masters. Right now, as I gaze out my office window, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m watching fi ve of them swim calmly, with easygoing nonchalance, against the swift current of the creek in a torrential rain. Be like ducks in the days ahead. Now is a great time to practice the high art of truly not giving a f---.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): My friend Jeff started working at a gambling casino in Atlantic City. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve gone over to the dark side!â&#x20AC;? I kidded. He acknowledged that 90 percent of the casinoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s visitors lose money gambling. On the bright side, he said, 95 percent of them leave happy. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t encourage you to do this kind of gambling in the near future. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s true youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be on a lucky streak. But smarter, surer risks are a better way to channel good fortune. Bottom line: In whatever way you choose to bet or speculate, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t let your lively spirits trick you into relying on pure impulsiveness. Do the research. Perform due diligence. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not enough just to be entertained â&#x20AC;&#x201C; fun and be successful.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus was a pioneer thinker whose ideas helped pave the way for the development of science. Believe nothing, he taught, unless you can evaluate it through personal observation and logical analysis.

Using this admirable approach, he determined the size of our sun is about two feet in diameter. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve made comparable misestimations about at least two facts of life. They seem quite reasonable but are very wrong. The good news? Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll soon be relieved of those mistakes. After initial disruption, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll feel liberated.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Aquarian inventor Thomas Edison owned 1,093 patents. Nicknamed â&#x20AC;&#x153;The Wizard of Menlo Park,â&#x20AC;? he devised the first practical electrical light bulb, the movie camera, the alkaline storage battery, and many more useful things. The creation he loved best was the phonograph, the first machine that could record and reproduce sound. Edison bragged that no one else had ever made such a wonderful instrument. It was â&#x20AC;&#x153;absolutely original.â&#x20AC;? I bring this to your attention because youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re due for an outbreak of absolute originality. What unique gifts do you offer? New ones may be ready to emerge.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an experiment that makes good astrological sense to try in the weeks ahead. Whenever you feel a tinge of frustration, say, â&#x20AC;&#x153;I am an irrepressible source of power, freedom and love.â&#x20AC;?

Any time you notice a trace of inadequacy rising up, a touch of blame, or a taste of anger, declare, â&#x20AC;&#x153;I am an irresistible magnet for power, freedom and love.â&#x20AC;?

If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re bothered by a mistake you made, a flash of ignorance expressed by another, or a maddening glitch in the life force flow, stop what youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re doing, interrupt the irritation, and proclaim, â&#x20AC;&#x153;I am awash in power, freedom and love.â&#x20AC;?

Rob Brezsny freewillastrology@freewillastrology.com

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NEWS OF THE WEIRD TRY UNPLUGGING IT After certain takeoffs and landings were delayed on Nov. 7 at Paris’ Orly airport (several days before the terrorist attacks), a back trace on the problem forced the airport to disclose that its crucial “DECOR” computer system still runs on Windows 3.1 software (introduced in 1992).

DECOR’s function is to estimate the spacing between aircraft on fog-bound, visually impossible runways, and apparently they have to shut it down while they scramble to find an available 3.1-qualified technician.

GOOD LUCK CHARM TEACHER You: Blonde, glasses, long red skirt and shirt, wrist tattoo, near where I studied for final, grading papers.

We talked, you said good luck, get sleep. Me: Gray sweater, white collared shirt. Coffee, talk again? When: Dec. 3. Where: Bold Bean Coffe Roasters Riverside. #1577-1209 GIFT WRAP MY HEART You: Beautiful, tall, brunette, green eyes, longest eyelashes ever. Me: Secret admirer. We chatted; fell for little freckle by your left eye, infectious smile. Could listen to you talk gift-wrapping all day. Burger and fries?

When: Last week. Where: MOSH. #1576-1209 PLUMBA A penguin sighting that can only compare to Anton Ego’s flashback in Ratatouille; you bring me back to a happier place. Sweaty palms for this lucky bear clearly indicate that we miss each other’s face. One434Evr. When: Anytime. Where: Anywhere. #1575-1209 GREEN SUNGLASSES I see you everywhere. Can I take your sunglasses and smack you with them? You’re too cute for your own good. You’ll never notice me though... When: Every day.

Where: FSCJ. #1574-1209 FOUND UR GIFT CARD, DONATED Target gift card, “To: J_ From: W_” Used card and my $30, bought and donated socks to Salvation Army. Sorry didn’t find you; hope you understand & appreciate doing good for others. When: Nov. 22. Where: Southside Loop parking lot. #1573-1202 CELTIC CUTIE @ CELTIC FEST You hugged me. I gave you band picture. You left with your friends too soon.

Been thinking about that meeting ever since. Would like to continue where we left off. When: Nov. 14. Where: Jax Beach Celtic Fest. #1572-1125 LAVENDERISH HAIR You: Cute, blondish lavender hair, print dress; dropped phone outside library reopening.

Me: Riverside guy, glasses, blue shirt; picked up phone, chatted. Met again; you left. Wanted to talk more.

Like to get acquainted further. When: Nov. 14. Where: Willowbranch Library. #1571-1125 LITTLE RIVER BAND CONCERT You: Tall, long-haired dude, very handsome. Chatted in box offi ce @ Florida Theatre. Me: Too shy to introduce myself. I’ll be @ Art Walk Nov. 19. If feeling’s mutual, bring me a flower.

When: Nov. 5. Where: Florida Theatre. #1570-1111 FIRST WATCH HOT BREAKFAST You: Hot guy, adorable dog; sexy smile, gorgeous blue eyes, captured my heart. Me: In love with you. Hoping you’ll give me chance someday to be your Queen. Let’s run away to the islands together. When: Oct. 31. Where: First Watch Ponte Vedra. #1569-1104 IT MATTERS To me ... in my dreams. Remember still, our time. Your lips, your intoxicating scent. US, together.

One night of bliss maybe? Mexican magic? When: Oct. 7. Where: Los Portalas. #1568-1104 MOM WANTS YOU Daughter and I outside Lynch’s. You: LEO on bicycle, handsome, great calves! Later, dealt with Walgreens drunk. Little shy … my daughter said to get your attention. Drinks, Super Troopers, Training Day … what’s your speed? When: Oct. 13. Where: Lynch’s Jax Beach. #1567-1028 YOU WAVED BACK GRINNING You: Bad-ass-looking guy, big black truck. Me: Soccer-mom-looking girl, silver minivan. Waved at you driving on 295-N, played a little cat-and-mouse, you got off on I-95-S. Let me prove looks can be deceiving. When: Oct. 3, 7-ish.

Where: 295 North. #1566-1021 38 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | DECEMBER 9-15, 2015

NOTHING MATTERS Self-hypnosis can’t stop me thinking from of you. No matter where I go and what I do, I still remember those beautiful eyes and the way my heart jumps when I see you. When: Oct. 6. Where: Luigi’s Pizza. #1565-1014 HOT MINI DRIVER You: Getting in red Mini near SunRay, hot white-rimmed glasses. Drake blasting from car as you almost hit in crosswalk; gave me a thumbs-up. Me: Tall skater nerd, Donuts For Jesus shirt. You Let’s hang out. When: Sept.

29. Where: Five Points. #1564-1014 TALL, DARK, HANDSOME, PATRIOTS FAN Jags/ Pats game. You: Pats shirt, jeans; with friends by bus watching game. Me: Short wavy auburn hair, Jags tank, cut-offs. Locked eyes as I went to sit. Heart skipped a beat at your handsomeness. Drinks on me, celebrate your win? :) When: Sept. 27. Where: Mellow Mushroom Jax Beach. #1563-0930 BOWL ME OVER Me: In the mood to be pinned. You: Lakers jersey. Bowling but said you’d rather play video games. Said you’re about to take a trip into Asia. Can we bowl balls together in Asia? When: Sept. 25. Where: Jax Lanes. #1564-0930 HUNGER GAMES Hungry; got hungrier you entered. Told me you were going east to eat genuine Asian. Wanted to talk more but you had to go because your cousin, Jimmy, owed you a quarter. Let’s eat out together?

When: Sept. 14. Where: China Wok. #1562-0923 NICE SMILE You: Brown hair, thin bearded guy, nice smile, bright eyes, blue “Good” sneaker T-shirt, with friends. Me: Short, thin brunette, blue/white tank, table across yours. Caught your eye, smiled. Like to know you better. Grab a drink? When: Sept. 11. Where: World of Beer Southside. #1561-0916 ECLIPSE RIVERSIDE 9/11 Super-cute brunette, ’80s night, black romper, white sandals. With group. Me: Solo; noticed matching outfi t friend telling you to ask me to dance. Wanted to approach. Group left. Second chance? I’d dance the night away with you. When: Sept.

11. Where: Eclipse Riverside. #1560-0916 FIRE BUG I saw you, late night on a Friday. You were on fire, so hot. Couldn’t tell if it was your flaming personality or that fl aming staff. Night dives, long chats, but why you didn’t you ever text me? When: Sept. 4.

Where: Beach. #1559-0916 YOU WALKED IN TATTOO SHOWIN’ ISU: Black leggings, open shirt, chest tat, soft voice, boots, hopeful eyes, smooth skin. You said black don’t crack. Love to have good time with you; you said futile; keep trying. Sorry about bad night. When: Sept. 4. Where: Parental Home Road. #1558-0916 BLUE ORBS You: Jean shorts, blonde hair, biggest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. I swear they glowed; when I fi rst saw you, lights in the place went dim. Can’t remember shirt color; just passing through, mesmerized by your eyes. When: Sept. 2. Where: Bold Bean Riverside. #1557-0909 YOU LEFT ME … SPEECHLESS The Prince Party. Your purple face stopped my heart. Wanna see your moves, your lights, every night. Let’s meet again: you, me and Prince. We can be silent together. When: Aug. 28.

Where: 1904 Music Hall. #1556-0909 60-YEAR-OLD HIPPIE CHICK You still believe in those 60s values, modern technology, bikinis, no money worries, meditation, humanism, being groovy. Me: Bearded, beyond cool beach bum. Us. Why wait? Let’s fall in love, live at beach. Anything’s possible. When: Aug. 20. Where: Mickler’s Landing. #1555-0909

R2-D2’S BEST FRIEND Sony built Aibo, a robot dog from 1996-2006 for pet-fanciers, but now that supplies of spare parts and specialized repairers are dwindling, many of the beloved family “canines” are “dying” off. Not to worry — many “surviving” owners are conducting elaborate, expensive and even religious burials with widely attended funerals for their Aibos.

A March 2015 Newsweek report offered a photographic array of Aibo funerals. Aibo support groups proliferate online because, said one repair service director, “[W]e think that somehow, [Aibos] really have souls.”

BUT I KNOW WHAT I LIKE Art Basel, the

annual weeklong festival for “One-Percenters” in Miami Beach scheduled for Dec. 1-6, includes the sale of on-demand caviar, available by text message, to be delivered in person within the hour, at $275 for a 125gram tin. Miami New Times calls Art Basel “ComicCon for the world’s moneyed elite” — another extravaganza is an “exotic dance club sheltered inside a greenhouse.” Four thousand artists, from 32 countries, are participating.

SERIOUSLY, CAN I HOLD A DOLLAR?

“Crowdsourcing” start-ups (like GoFundMe and Kickstarter) raise money online for projects such as entrepreneurial ventures or families needing help with medical expenses.

Day-trading dabbler Joe Campbell went online in November to beg for help after being crushed by a bet of the type that many say wrecked the U.S. economy in 2007-08. He held a pessimistic “short” position in his account on KaloBios Pharmaceuticals (KBIO), hoping to exploit traders overly optimistic about the company. However, overnight NASDAQ

trading awakened him with news that KBIO’s price had skyrocketed in frenzied trading and Campbell now owed his broker $131,000 — and Campbell’s new GoFundMe post stoically asks strangers to please help him pay that off.

THANKS, I’LL WALK Charles Smith, 62,

is set to drive municipal buses in Broward County until he retires in 2020, even though his record shows 14 accidents in a recent fiveyear period (not enough for discipline; according to contract rules, not more than four were “preventable” in any two consecutive years). The bus drivers’ union president told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel he “can’t figure out why” some drivers just get into more accidents than others. Elsewhere in transit news, notorious serial New York “joydriver” Darius McCollum, 50, commandeered yet another bus and was arrested Nov. 11. He faces jail time, just as he has already served for more than two dozen bus- and train-”borrowing” incidents. Based on news reports of McCollum over the years, he still might be a better bus driver than Charles Smith.

JUST LIKE SHAGGY PT. II!

The job market in Wayne County, Michigan, is apparently tough to crack, which led John Rose, 25, to the county sheriff ’s office looking for work. He finished a paper application in November and was waiting his interview when deputies called him in. As he walked through the door, he was arrested; a routine check turned up several outstanding charges in Kentucky: multiple counts of rape, sexual abuse and sodomy.

SAY MY NAME SAY MY NAME

A crew of masked home invaders struck an Orlando family home in October and were preparing to haul a load of about $100,000 in cash and property when one of the perps got testy with the family’s incessantly barking dog. “Back up, Princess,” the masked man said, inadvertently revealing he was on a first-name basis with the dog and therefore a family acquaintance. The victims, piecing together other clues, identified Christopher Jara, who was soon arrested.

Chuck Shepherd weirdnews@earthlink.net

DECEMBER 9-15, 2015 | FOLIOWEEKLY.com | 39