Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow: Saying Goodbye to an Eating Problem

The following article deals with the impact of loss as it pertains to changing one’s relationship with food. As a psychotherapist and eating disorder specialist this is a subject that I believe needs more understanding and validation.

In addition, I will address the topic of food and its connection to the holiday. This is one example, albeit a major one, that exemplifies one of the many trials and tribulations experienced by individuals.

How one approaches loss in its many forms is a major component in the goal of ending an eating disorder or eating problem. The emptiness one experiences is eventually filled through the courage to say goodbye to this negative coping mechanism. My purpose is to call attention to the necessity of loss and grief in order to permanently change eating disorders and/or problems.

Although the relationship with food holds different meanings for people, it can become all-encompassing for those suffering with anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating, overeating or obesity. These are a few quotes from people I have worked with; perhaps you have heard similar remarks.

“I don’t eat that much.”

“Why can’t I be normal?”

“I am so ashamed of myself.”

“Will I be able to accept the insecurity I feel?”

“I accept my newfound sanity; I want to hold onto it.”

In order to grow out of an eating disorder or problem and grow into a life without it, one must give up dependencies, expectations, illusions and attachments to this negative connection.

Eating disorders or problems often represent an attachment representative of a parent or best friend. Unfortunately, this may segue into a dependency on them. Some things that may have felt uncomfortable at times become comfortable. One literally wears her/his eating disorder/problem. The ultimate result of this is the loss of living a healthy life physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.

For many people their relationship with food needs to change from the habitual dysfunctional one to a healthy functional one. This is a process that needs to be addressed on a continuum in order to embrace a healthy relationship. If this change is not adequately accepted, the return to the problem is likely to be imminent, thus leading to the original imprisonment, shame, anger and hopelessness. Know this is the first step to resolving and dealing with this issue. This reduces the likelihood of returning to the eating disorder or problem. However, it necessitates living through bereavement, grief and change. The grieving process is necessary in order to shift the energy from grieving to living.

Judith Voist (1998) states, “losing is the price we pay for living.” Loss is a fact of life that we experience from birth through death. This begins at birth with the loss of the mother’s protective womb and continues through childhood, adolescence, and the multiple phases of adulthood, culminating in old age with the ultimate loss. Those changing their relationship with food have unique losses to contend with.

A major theme of these losses is becoming comfortable with healthy changes in one’s weight and appearance. In addition, we need to understand if food and weight are connected to a sense of security. Do unrealistic expectations of weight and body size exist? These unrealistic beliefs need to be explored, worked through, and grieved.

As one journeys down this road to healthy eating, unexpected losses, such as death, divorce, work changes, etc. may also occur. How do these losses impact one’s relationship with food? Learning how to grieve and cope with life’s losses without returning to the dysfunctional eating relationship is paramount.

In my practice I suggest and use a six-step template which acts as a roadmap to a healthy relationship with food. The steps are as follows:

Step 1: Acknowledgement of the Problem

Step 2: Shame

Step 3: Anger

Step 4: Fear & Anxiety

Step 5: Inner Voices

Step 6: Belief & Acceptance

In each step of this template for change, the grieving process continues and becomes clearer. By laying out the template and referring to it during treatment, patients feel more in control.

It helps them to recognize and focus on the pitfalls and resistances that surface. The awareness of each step leads to the realization that life can exist without the eating disorder or eating problem. This acceptance is necessary in order to recover from the loss of the old negative relationship with food. This begins the healing process along with the belief in, and adaptation to, a new reality.

There is duality in each step. They also represent areas that may have, originally and currently, contributed to the eating problem as well.

Holidays

As one journeys along this road, specific memories and experiences will put my theory to the test. One is the interaction of the holidays.

What do the holidays mean to you?

For some the holidays represent a time of loneliness and memories of times gone bye or memories never experienced. If food has been and continues to be used to fill the void, deny feelings of anger, anxiety, losses, fears, etc., perhaps this practice will continue and intensify. Do you truly want that?

For some the holidays represent a time of joy, fond memories and experiences. Perhaps a time for gathering with family and friends and spiritual awakenings reminiscent of life past and present. If food has been connected to the above, the question becomes how do you move on?

Whatever the holidays represent to you, if excessive food was always part of them please read the following.

It is imperative to understand that changing your relationship with food develops in increments. These increments differ from one individual to another and often depend on your life situation. Changing how and why you use food is not an all or nothing situation. As stated above, once you begin to work on this, the issues of loss become real. Most likely the holiday eating and the desire to change your relationship with the food will be questioned and doubted. You do not have to “throw in the towel”, you do not have to feel as though you can never eat or enjoy food. Utilizing the Loss/Grief theme you can still eat foods but the way or how much you eat is the goal. It never means that you can no longer eat or enjoy food. Eating and its connection to the holidays, good or bad, need to be understood. Once this understanding begins so does the reality of what eating represents. Yes, eating for 12 hours at the holiday table needs to change but only you can change it. Once you incorporate the treatment elaborated above a positive change can begin, one that isn’t fleeting but one that puts you in control of the ongoing representation of food. Yes it demands a commitment to your inner self, one that can lead to a relationship that is positive and not abusive.

Allow yourself to acknowledge the loss and to grieve the negative eating patterns, enjoy the positive changes and sustain the ongoing outcome.

Good Luck and Happy Holidays!

Written By: Louise Parente, PhD, LCSW, CEDS

Dr. Parente is a certified eating disorder specialist, psychotherapist, supervisor, educator and coach. She has presented at a variety of symposiums, conferences, and hospitals; has worked as an adjunct professor at New York University School of Social Work; and is the recipient of the Marquis Who’s Who Lifetime Achievement Award-2020. She has authored Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow, Saying Goodbye to and Eating Problem. She is in private practice and licensed in Florida, New Jersey and New York. She is a member of International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals, NASW and the NLAPW.