Honoring Emotions

It was early morning, and I was preparing my smoothie to take to work. I opened the meal replacement powder and began to pour it into the smoothie jar filled with strawberries, blueberries, and almond milk. As I put the scoop back into the container my elbow knocked it off the countertop. It was a big, powdery mess. This is going to take a lot of energy to clean up. As I reached for the broom I began thinking about the mess before me. It was perfectly contained before I accidentally spilled it all over the kitchen. It reminded me of conversations with my clients as they try to figure out what causes their outbursts of anger, or what is behind their anxious feelings. Many of them believe they need to contain their emotions and even push them down. Their disappointment, hurt, and rejection was not addressed in their families growing up. So, they learned to keep them compartmentalized and it gave the appearance of being in control, contained. But they discovered when a situation “bumped” them, emotions poured out of them causing people around them to be the recipient of their wrath. When their tirade was over, they admitted there was a mess that needed to be addressed.

Many reported coming into counseling for either outbursts of anger or feeling numb with no emotions at all. What they thought of as disciplining their emotions was ignoring and pushing them down, thus causing a numbing of emotions. Brene’ Brown states “We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” And numbing emotions will eventually cause them to gush out when someone or something triggers them, similar to an activated geyser. How can we help our clients when they have lost all feeling except anger or rage?

Dr. Dan Siegle teaches the principle of “Name it to Tame it”. He explains that naming our feelings (utilizing our left brain) allows the frontal cortex to calm the amygdala (our “Uh-Oh” center of our brain). It connects thoughts and feelings. When clients come into my office for counseling, one tool I talk with them about is identifying emotions. We talk about how anger is a secondary e motion which means when they express “I’m angry” I teach them to take a step backward and recognize what feelings are underneath the anger.

Maybe they are feeling disconnected, embarrassed, rejected, hurt, or misunderstood. Many times, there can be 10-15 feelings underneath the emotion of anger. If emotions are not identified and felt, then negative emotions begin to accumulate.

Anger can begin to occupy a place inside of each of us, if not dealt with, it can stay there for a long time. We begin to recognize that time by itself does NOT heal anger. What heals the negative emotions is to honor them when they show up. Instead of containing them, give the emotions permission to be present and say something like this:

“I’m feeling hurt and disappointed that I did not get the promotion and it was given to my coworker. It hurts me deeply.I choose to honor this hurt. I give myself permission to cry and to feel the pain of the feelings of inadequacy and discouragement.”

When ready, allow the pain to be released. I utilize the phrase “Feel it to release it.” Some hurts or actions take longer than others to be let go. But they will wane, and happiness will show up in its place. I believe learning how to navigate our emotions is a path to lessening anxiety and rage. Emotions are energy in our bodies when they are contained. Hard emotions need a voice and the ability to be discharged. Positive emotions need to be nurtured and embraced. They are the bridge to connect us with ourselves and others.

Brown Brené. (2022). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.

Thalla, L. (n.d.). "Name it to Tame it": How Naming Our Emotions Soothes the Brain. "Name it to Tame it": How Naming Our Emotions Soothes the Brain. Retrieved from www.lindsaythalla.com

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child. Constable & Robinson.

Sandra B. Stanford, MA works as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Charis Counseling Center’s satellite office in Titusville, FL. Sandra earned her master’s degree in Psychological Counseling from Palm Beach Atlantic University. Sandra is Certified in EMDR Therapy. Additionally, Sandra enjoys working with couples with a niche in Affair Healing. Sandra is an active member of the Florida Mental Health Counselors Association and the American Association of Christian Counselors.