The Problem with Problem-Solving

Mulla Nasruddin, the wise buffoon of Arabic folklore, is often pictured riding his donkey backwards. Why? Because he and his donkey always want to go in opposite directions and this is their compromise: the donkey gets to go where it wants and Nasruddin gets to face the direction he wants. Like most compromises, it’s imperfect and uncomfortable but it does the trick.

Whether we like it or not, compromise lies at the heart of problemsolving in intimate relationships. Fortunately, it’s usually a pretty straight-forward process provided one basic prerequisite can be met: the creation of a relatively calm and emotionally safe environment. If we can be open and non-defensive enough to understand one another and collaborate to come up with mutually satisfying solutions, we usually don’t need any problem-solving methods; compromising unfolds naturally and intuitively.

If, however, a lot of reactivity is present in a relationship, even the simplest of problems can become excruciatingly difficult to solve. There are three main reasons for this. First, reactivity evokes reactivity. Research shows that when reactivity causes our heartrates to spike above 100 BPMs our ability to empathize and problem-solve go out the window. Second, it is exceedingly difficult to entertain solutions proposed by someone who doesn’t understand us and, unfortunately reactivity temporarily robs us of both the desire and the ability to understand one another. Finally, the presence of reactivity makes it almost impossible for us to feel safe enough to be truly open, and when we can’t disclose our underlying feelings and needs we often wind up inadvertently trying to solve the wrong problems.

So how do we create a safe environment where we can communicate openly, understand one another and genuinely collaborate? Since the biggest problem with problem-solving is that we rush to it too quickly, I find the most effective way is for both parties to take some time and space to go inside and TUNE into their reactive parts. In other words…

Tend to your reactivity by getting curious about it and compassionate toward it;

Understand it by tracking the thoughts, feelings, sensations and behavior associated with it. Then, focusing on the reactive behavior, find out what it is hoping to do for you and what you’re afraid would happen if you didn’t react this way;

Nurture your fear by compassionately witnessing it and then find out what its core needs are. Then see if you can meet these needs internally. Why? Because our requests are much more likely to be met when we make them after we’ve managed our own vulnerabilities and needs.

Express to one another what you found when you went inside, beginning by saying how you plan to treat each other as you discuss this problem.

Then focus on one another’s core needs. When you really understand the needs underlying your partner’s desires, it will be much easier to propose win-win solutions because needs can be met in a variety of ways.

Now, working together, start brainstorming solutions that address some of what you both need. Go for quantity – the more, the better; no criticisms allowed. Then edit for quality, crossing off all the unacceptable options and highlighting the most mutually satisfying ones.

Finally begin negotiating, concentrating on solutions that incorporate both of your needs. You might find these common negotiation pathways helpful: 1) part of what I want with part of what you want; 2) split the difference; 3) my way this time, your way next time; 4) my way when I’m doing it, your way when you’re doing it; 5) If you do X for me, I’ll do Y for you.

After the well-known couples counsellors Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt managed to create enough safety in their communication, they were finally able to clarify the core needs underneath a long-standing conflict over how much to travel. Whereas Harville needed mobility and adventure, Helen needed the stability and security of a home. Their compromise? A mobile home. And rumour has it that it’s a bit more comfortable than Nasruddin’s donkey.

Seth is a Registered Clinical Counsellor, Marital and Family Therapist and Board Certified Life Coach. He works with individuals and couples in private practice. You can reach him at sethshugar@me.com or book a session at www.sethshugar.com

“Living in the islands, I am now endlessly fascinated by the stacked and layered perspectives that are found amongst these little sea mountains,” says Hendrick. “From the ferry window, they seem to shift across each other like the backdrops of a stage being set for the next scene […] And of course, the crows and beasts and trees and flowers of this region all make their way into my work at various times.”