Girlfriends Jan_Feb 2020

FREE

Girlfriends ! e t a v i t o M WINTER 2020

Southern Minn

Adapting to a New Culture in Minnesota Raahmo Hersi: a refugee helping fellow refugees

Getting Marrie d?

See pa

southernminngirlfriends.com

ges 24

-32

Millstream Commons Assisted Living

Contact your clinic to schedule a Child and Teen Checkup (C&TC)

Honoring individuals and their interests Millstream Commons, 210 W 8th Street, Northfield 507-650-0141 · threelinks.org

For children, teens and young adults under 21 on Medical Assistance

For help finding a clinic, scheduling an appointment, transportation or an interpreter Rice County or Steele County Public Health

Call 507-332-6111 or 507-444-7650

We’ll help you get the brightest smile possible Call us today!

Accepting New Patients Michelle Lund, D.D.S. | Bethany Whittier, D.D.S. Kyle J. Rasmussen, D.D.S.

Shoes, Clothing & Accessories for Men & Women 401 Division Street•Northfield, MN•645-4257•www.rarepair.com 2

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

217 Nassau Street, St. Peter (507) 931-5646 riversidedentalcarestpeter.com

Editor’s Note

I forkner Moe Beth Forkner Moe is the editor of Southern Minn Girlfriends magazine.

Find Southern Minn Girlfriends on Facebook

’m looking at the Chicago skyline from our son’s downtown apartment as I write this (from the balcony, I can see Lake Michigan in one direction and the Willis – formerly Sears – Tower in the other). We’ve been celebrating the holidays with “our kids” and are looking forward to ringing in the New Year with family members (including some staying in a hotel outside O’Hare Airport; they can’t get home for a couple days, due to the post-Christmas storm that has crippled the Midwest – spending time with them will be an unexpected pleasure).

This is always a good time to take stock of our lives – where we’ve been and what we’ve done; where we want to go, do and be going forward.

This January is the start of a brand-new decade. How exciting is that?

The past 10 years have been filled with adventures (good and not-so-good), endings and new beginnings, ups and downs, joys and sorrows, laughter and tears – for all of us, I’m sure. In January 2010, I couldn’t know what the decade ahead would bring to me, my loved ones, or our world. Right now, I cannot imagine what the next decade will bring.

When I was young, I thought it would be fantastic to be able to see the future.

As an adult, I’m grateful I can’t. It would take away the unexpected joy of happy and exciting events, and it would cause stress and anxiety to know about hard and painful events ahead of time. For now, I’m content to live in the present, while remembering the past and anticipating the future.

This issue’s theme is “Motivate!” We have stories that we hope will do just that for you. There are ideas on organizing and putting your life in order. There are stories about amazing and strong women. We also share ideas to keep you safe, and ideas that will inspire you.

For 2020 and beyond, we wish you love and happiness and joy and blessings – and resiliency and strength and the knowledge that you make a difference on this wild, crazy and beautiful planet we call home.

Cheers,

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

3

20 WINTER 20 JAN/FEB

about us editor: Beth Forkner Moe

contributing writers:

multimedia consultants: Amber Casterton CariAnna Chaney Kathleen Davies Missy Daschner Allison Davis Jennifer Flowers Crystal Hobart Mark Nelson Gayle Stelten

features

18 Thieves, Schemes and Scams

Adapting to a new culture in Minnesota.

22 TORCH

5 Refugees Helping Refugees 8 New Year’s Resolutions

||

Kari Berit Lisa Cownie Carlienne A. Frisch Julie Buchwald Haley Beth Halleck Nancy Iglesias Trent Jonas Rian Dicke-Michels Beth Forkner Moe Sarah Osterbauer Marianne Radtke Katie Roiger Terri Schlichenmeyer Isabelle Wattenberg

contents Intentions

Setting intentions will last longer.

10 Galentine’s Day A day for the gals.

13 Leaving a Legacy

14 Galen’s Bath

That Stuff

Working with a professional organizer.

Kate Townsend-Noet Volume 12, Issue 1

Copyright© Girlfriends 2020 Published Jan/Feb 2020 by: Southern Minn Media 514 Central Avenue Faribault, MN 55021

southernminngirlfriends.com Send releases and story ideas to:

Beth Forkner Moe at Girlfriends magazine bfmoe@southernminn.com

WEDDINGS • A Modern Wedding Story 26 • Goodbye Tradition, Hello Personalization 29 • Secrets to At-Home Weddings 32

4

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

One family’s story of saying good-bye.

16 What to Do with All

graphic designer:

PAGES 24-32

Writing an ethical will.

Protecting yourself from fraud in the age of technology.

Tackling obstacles, raising college hopes.

36 Aging Parents?

Tips for approaching those important conversations.

accessories

21 a man’s perspective 40 book review 42 gf directory 3 editor’s note

33 unexpected caregiver 38 wellness on the cover:

Raahmo Hersi See Story on PAGE 5.

R

Adapting to a New Culture in Minnesota:

Refugees Helping

Refugees “ I want Americans to understand that a refugee is a

person fleeing danger,

violence or persecution,

seeking a better life.

”

– Habiba Rashid, Associate Director of the Minnesota Council of Church’s Refugee Services in Mankato

I

“

By Carlienne A. Frisch want Americans to understand that a refugee is a person fleeing danger, violence or persecution, seeking a better life,” Habiba Rashid, the Associate Director of the Minnesota Council of Churches’ Refugee Services in Mankato, said.

“The number of refugees is at its highest since World War II, driven by long-term conflicts that show no signs of abating.”

Habiba is one of many refugees from Africa who have settled in Minnesota communities. She has developed a career in helping other refugees become part of their new community. One way is by speaking to community groups about the road to safety that refugees like her must travel. When she recently spoke to a group in Mankato, one person in the audience asked her, “Do you know that you speak English with a Minnesota accent?” Habiba nodded but did not explain her adaptability in languages.

Habiba first learned British English while a refugee in South Africa, she lived for a while in the American South (but carries no sound of it in her speech), and she speaks six African lanCONTINUES ON PAGE 6

uuu

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

5

CONTINUED FROM page 5

guages as well as Portuguese. Her experiences as a refugee and her ability to communicate in several languages are assets in her current job.

Originally from Angola, Habiba grew up in refugee camps throughout Africa, where she learned various languages. “When I was two years old, my family was forced to flee our home in Angola due to war,” she said. “We bounced around in a lot of African refugee camps, sometimes fearing for our lives.”

In one camp she met her future husband, a refugee from Somalia, so she learned the Somali language. They married in 2005 and applied to the United Nations for resettlement. They had two children by the time they were resettled in Atlanta, GA, where Habiba pursued her desire to help others by earning an Associate Degree in midwifery.

In July 2015, the family was resettled in Mankato, where Habiba was soon employed as a interpreter with the Tapestry Project.

Last September, she was promoted to her current position as Tapestry’s Associate Director.

“It has been my passion, as a refugee myself, to settle families in the land of freedom because I know how hard it is to navigate a new

6

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

“

My mom wanted a better

life for us.

All we knew was that my sister was in

Minnesota. It took four years to make the arrangements. My father remained in Somalia to take care of his widowed sisters.

”

– Raahmo Hersi, outreach worker at VINE

country and new resources,” she said. “In 2018, we assisted 298 families. We work only with secondary resettled refugees who began their experience in another part of the United States, like my family. The Minneapolis office does primary resettlement.” (The 2019 total of families assisted had not yet been determined at the time of this interview.)

Like many American women, Habiba has two full-time jobs. She balances caring for a family of six children and her husband with the supervision of staff and community connection arrangements, as well as public speaking. Her goal is to make people aware of the refugee experience and to help the community welcome refugees rather than stigmatizing them.

Like Habiba, Raahmo Hersi also came to the United States as a refugee. She began her life in Somalia and escaped the war there by spending four years in Nairobi, Kenya, with her mother and 10 siblings before arriving in the United States in 2005. Raahmo’s oldest sister had already come to America and had begun making arrangements for the rest of the family to follow her.

“My mom wanted a better life for us,” Raahmo said. “All we knew was that my sister was in Minnesota. It took four years to make the arrangements. My father remained in Somalia to take care of his widowed sisters.” As with Habiba’s family, the United Nations sponsored Raahmo’s family through a refugee immigration program. Eventually, the family arrived in Minnesota and stayed with the oldest sister for a couple of months.

“I was 12 when we settled in Minneapolis,” Raahmo said.

“Twelve of us lived in a two-bedroom apartment until my mother found a five-bedroom house, but it was in an unsafe neighborhood. After a few bad incidents over a few months, we moved to Owatonna for a couple of years. In 2009, we moved to Mankato because my brothers wanted to attend Minnesota State University here.”

Although Raahmo had little opportunity to attend school in Africa, she caught up on her education after coming to Minnesota. She graduated from Mankato East High School, then earned a diploma in the two-year medical assistance program at South Central College in North Mankato, where she met her husband. After serving an internship at Wickersham Clinic in Mankato, she realized she was meant to help others in a different way.

“I knew about the Minnesota Council of Churches and that they were looking for someone who knew both American and Somali culture,” she explained. “So

I applied and was contracted as an interpreter in early 2018. I still help out when I have time.” She now has a full-time job as an outreach worker at VINE, a community center that serves the greater Mankato area.

“My job is to be an advocate for anyone age 60 and over,” Raahmo said. “I do home visits, help people respond to mail they have received and attend medical appointments with them. Although there is another interpreter, I’m there to focus on the reason the patient is there, perhaps because they had a fall. I also help people find public housing. I’m the middle person, the bridge. If an emergency occurs, I get a call.”

Three mornings each week, Raahmo also acts as an interpreter in

the VINE adult literacy program. She explained, “There’s a teacher, but I’m there to help out. I can explain in English more slowly, and the students also help one another.”

Raahmo’s plans include obtaining a social work degree from Minnesota State University, Mankato, and eventually having children. She will rely on her mother and sisters to provide day care while she continues to work. “I’ve been working since I was 15.

My first job was through the Minnesota Valley Action Council as a cashier at Hy-Vee. After two months, Hy-Vee hired me directly,” she said.

Carlienne A. Frisch is a Mankato-based writer and volunteer.

The Tapestry Project The Tapestry Project, which began in Mankato in 2012, is unique to the area’s refugee services, according to Nancy Altmann, the project’s community engagement specialist. It originated when the Minnesota Council of Churches, local police, and Lloyd Management (a property management company) came together to provide an opportunity for people to learn who their neighbors are.

Participants are refugees who come primarily from Somalia, South Sudan and Ethiopia.

Some attend churches of various Christian denominations, while others worship in one of two mosques in Mankato. The Tapestry Project’s purpose is to help the newcomers understand the community and to become part of it.

“Our purpose is to build relationships within the community and to provide education for refugees,” Nancy said. “We have a 15-hour course over six weeks, twice a year, with new people each time. We come together on topics we can all relate to--public safety, housing and health, including vaccinations, mental health and preventive care. We bring in speakers from various community agencies, such as police, housing specialists, the fire department and Adult Basic Education. We always have a public safety day to build knowledge and trust in the community.”

Topics include the judicial system, the driver’s permit and test, financial literacy, car seat safety, and community organization resources, such as public libraries, the YMCA, the YWCA, etc.

Nancy said, “When our refugees arrive, we try to get them a job right away, even when they have limited English. People need to have a job. We try to help with transportation, putting people on the same shift so they can carpool to work.”

“It’s not ‘Let’s show you how to be an American,’” she said. “It’s ‘Let’s do this together.’ That’s the basis of Tapestry--and that’s the basis of community.”

“

Out purpose is to build

relationships within the community and to provide education for refugees.

”

– Nancy Altmann, Tapestry Project community engagement specialist

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

7

A

By Isabelle Wattenberg

||

New Year’s Resolutions s the New Year dawns, it’s easy to get caught up in the craze of setting resolutions, setting aggressive and transformative goals to put your best self forward at the start of the year. And while finding inspiration in friends and colleagues to set goals can be a really good thing, it is equally important to truly desire and be internally motivated to achieve the goal.

We think of it as setting intentions--setting a resolution simply for the sake of setting a resolution is unlikely to result in lasting change.

We got the lowdown from Christy Tryhus, a productivity coach and corporate trainer who has been running Simply Balanced Coaching and Training for 10 years, on tips and techniques for setting—and, more importantly, achieving—goals with intention.

How do you set goals with intention?

“A lot of people do ‘shoulding,’” Christy said. “They make goals because they think they should, versus [knowing] why they want to do them.”

To achieve goals with intention, Christy recommends a four-step approach: • One: Identify the reason you want to achieve the goal and what actions you’re willing to take to make it happen.

• Two: document a plan with consistent and actionable steps so you can objectively see when you have achieved it.

• Three: set up measures for accountability.

• And four: celebrate success along the way.

Too often, Christy said, people set too many goals (she recommends capping at 1-2) or overly general goals that are too vague to truly accomplish. This goes hand8

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

in-hand with breaking down the goal into a set of specific steps to follow. For example, rather than setting a resolution to “exercise more,” Christy suggests identifying a frequency and type of exercise to practice.

“Goals without action are simply dreams or desires,” Christy said. “Breaking them down into specific action items really increases success.”

Setting measures of accountability also drives success—and often the best form of accountability is an accountability partner—a person or group of people who can support you on your journey and keep you on task. Setting quantifiable goals can also help, such as setting a timeframe or quota for practicing the new habit so it’s clear when you’ve reached it.

Christy strongly advocates for celebrating milestones during the journey to achieving the goal.

“I like to have goals with intentions and end the day with intention,” she said. Keeping a gratitude journal to end the day by writing down one or two proud moments each day can help keep us on track and remind us why we’re striving toward this goal.

Is New Year’s really a good time to set intentions?

It can be, Christy said, particularly because it’s a good time to get support and find people to help hold you accountable, since others are more likely to be setting goals well. But again, it only makes sense to set a goal if there’s a measurable change you want to see.

“I believe there are three seasons of change: January, June, and September,” Christy said. The New Year, start of summer, and start of school frequently push people to want to make change. But other events can propel planning too, such as preparing for a vacation, moving, or experiencing a major change in health.

Should I treat breaking a bad habit differently from introducing a new one into my routine?

Christy’s take is that, rather than working to end a bad habit, we should seek a new good habit to replace or substitute the practice we want to end. For example, to reduce soda consumption, focus on drinking more water or tea rather than simply eliminating soda. Eventually, the alternative habit will become second nature and the old one will fade away.

That’s not to say it will happen overnight, of course—and Christy said that expecting results in 21 days is a myth—and goals can be temporary or short-term. But regardless of the timeframe, they need to be practiced consistently and frequently enough to become part of your routine.

“People create what I call ‘stress’ goals, versus ‘stretch’ goals,” Christy said. She defines “stretch” goals as goals that get you out of your comfort zone, but are developed thoughtfully and intentionally, not created from moments of stress or panic. “It’s really important that you create a goal that stresses you a little bit but not so hard that you don’t do it,” she said.

Isabelle Wattenberg is a social media and data analytics specialist for MSP Communications.

She spends her spare moments listening to opera, reading Alice in Wonderland, and writing about Minnesota happenings.

Seeking more support?

Try these resources: • Find goal-setting templates online.

• Look for books and resources written by experts in the field.

• Get your friends involved! Start a goal-setting group or club to help each other stay accountable--your goals don’t need to be the same, and the group can be virtual (Christy participates in Facebook groups to work on some of her goals), but what’s important is that everyone check in with and support each other through the journey.

• Use tools like calendar reminders and phone alerts to help keep you on task.

• Once you’ve defined your goals, don’t just think them--write them down and say them out loud. “The more senses you involve greatly increases the probability of success,” Christy said.

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

9

Galentine’s Day

By Marianne Radtke

Hey, Girlfriends!

What are you doing for Galentine’s Day? No, that’s not a typo. Galentine’s Day really is a thing.

Originally a fictitious holiday created by the Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler) character from NBC’s Parks and Recreation sitcom, has caught on and is now widely celebrated as an unofficial holiday in many varied fashions. Celebrated on February 13, the day before Valentine’s Day, Galentine’s Day is a day to celebrate and appreciate those among your best girlfriends, your squad, your BFF’s, your gal pals. February 14 is for romance, but February 13 is all about celebrating your lady friends!

“Oh, it’s only the best day of the year. Every February 13th, my lady friends and I leave our husbands and our boyfriends at home, and we just come and kick it, breakfast-style. Ladies celebrating ladies. It’s like Lilith Fair, minus the angst. Plus frittatas.” – Leslie Knope What began as a casual, frivolous day for friends to simply gather and shower each other with friendship love has blossomed into an unofficial holiday with organized events. From elaborate dinner parties 10

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

or similar celebrations among close friends, to professionally organized charitable events to support women within our own communities.

One such event last year put together personal care and feminine hygiene packs for women’s shelters and homeless women.

Things to Do On Galentine’s Day With Your Girlfriends: Host A Wine and Dine Party Simple or fancy, small or your entire woman circle. Your call. It’s your day. Do it your way.

Visit an Animal Rescue or Your Local Humane Society for Some Dog Walking and Puppy Love Have an All-Things-Chocolate Baking Party No explanation needed here Treat Yourselves to a Spa Day Pamper yourselves and refresh your winter mani/pedis or go full-on relaxation mode with a facial or massage. Don’t forget the cucumber water to save calories for waffles.

Volunteer at Your Favorite Charity Paint Your Own Ceramics Forget friendship bracelets, you and your gal pals can pick out something that will go perfectly in all your kitchens, like mugs or vases. Some places allow you to BYOB, so bring a bottle of rosé and show off your artistic abilities.

Have A Cozy Movie Night You and your bestie have probably had a million movie nights together but make it extra special for Galentine’s Day. Pick a fun theme for your movies — whether that be your favorite rom-coms, friendship movies, or starring your favorite female leading ladies.

Don’t forget the treats.

Have an Old-Fashioned Sleepover Sometimes, it’s fun just to take it back to the basics. That could mean a simple sleepover like you and your best friend used to do back in the day. Put on your PJs, watch your favorite movies, eat and drink your favs, and dish about what’s going on in your lives.

Have Breakfast or Brunch at Home (or not at home) with Some Leslie Knope-approved Waffles or Frittatas. Don’t Forget the Mimosas!

Have a DIY Gift Exchange For an even girl-ier time, get crafty at home together with ideas from Bonnie Burton’s Crafting with Feminism. The spirit of feminism combines with the DIY attitude of craft in this irreverent and inspiring book of projects with a saucy, sarcastic bent. Options include sequined flames on a bra, a planter made out of a high-heeled shoe, a business-card holder

made from a girl-band cassette tape. Variations are given for many of the crafts so they can be truly original or reflect the maker’s particular feminist heroes, from Ruth Bader Ginsburg to Queen Elizabeth.

Go Shopping Local is best. For an even better gal-strong outing, find your local women-owned shops and boutiques and feel empowered to support other women in your community.

Visit an Art Museum or Gallery Visit a Local Wine Bar No explanation needed here either Tour a Local Craft Brewery Learn about how beer is made, taste some delicious (and free!) local brews, and support your neighborhood businesses by taking a brewery tour near you (plan for a designated driver or Uber). Check out this list of breweries across the state that are open for tours: www.mnbeer.com/breweries Attend Live Comedy or A Show Check out this off-Broadway hit comedy: Men are From Mars Women are From Venus LIVE! Thu, Feb 13, 8:00 PM Ames Center, 12600 Nicollet Ave., Burnsville Attend a concert Here’s one: Brandi Carlisle Thu, Feb 13, 2020, 6:30 PM Fillmore Theater, 525 N 5th St., Minneapolis Or, as long as you’re heading to the Twin Cities, Minnesota Orchestra at Orchestra Hall and Twelfth Night at the Guthrie Theater are also great options on Feb. 13.

Sing It Up at Karaoke Sometimes it’s just good humor and good fun to belt out your favorite pop or show tunes in front of friends who will still like you anyway after a night of karaoke-ing. To find a karaoke venue near you visit: www.karaokelistings. com/venues.asp?state=Minnesota Beat the cold Warm up with some hot yoga, a sauna, or your favorite (hot, or not) beverage in front of a fire and catch each other up on your busy lives. Or check out the Marjorie McNeely Conservatory at Como Park in St. Paul for some lush greenery and tropical flowers and fantasize about spring.

For the More Outdoorsy or Adventurous Types: Go Winter Hiking and Exploring Winter Wildlife Not everything hibernates or flies South in the winter – some species are especially active in the colder months. This is a great time to practice identifying animal tracks in the snow, and the wintry landscape can be a beautiful setting for wildlife photography or Insta-worthy selfies.

Spend the Day Ice Skating Strap on your skates and enjoy your local frozen watering hole. If you don’t have your own blades, many public rinks offer rental skates and warming houses.

Explore Minnesota’s Parks on Snowshoe If you’ve always wished you could step buoyantly across the snow and explore places inaccessible to hiking, snowshoeing might be for you.

CONTINUES ON PAGE 12

uuu

A NEW LOOK FOR THE NEW YEAR Stop in to find your fabulous new look

425 Division Street South | Northfield 507-366-2020 | visionofnorthfield.com

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

11

CONTINUED FROM page 11

Cross-Country Ski The leisurely pace of cross-country skiing facilitates wildlife encounters, conversation and photo opportunities, and most parks have well-groomed trails waiting to be explored.

Alpine Ski Try Hyland Hills, Bloomington; Buck Hill, Burnsville; Afton Alps, Hastings; Coffee Mill, Wabasha; Mt. Kato, Mankato; Welch Village, Welch. For a list of all MN ski resorts visit: www.liftopia.com/region/minnesota/map Fat Tire Biking Don’t forget to love yourself and wear a helmet.

Indoor Climbing or Ice Climbing for the More Adventurous This is a great way to test your gross motor skills, strength and agility and show off your female prowess. The relative newcomer Winona Ice Climbing Park is making a name for itself as one of the country’s premier ice climbing opportunities. www.cityofwinona. com/city-services/parks-recreation/ice-climbing-wall

12

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

Ride Down a Snow Slide The Securian Financial SuperSlide is a snow slide that begins from the second story patio of the Securian Financial Club, at CHS Field in St. Paul (home of the St. Paul Saints baseball team), where riders plunge 40 feet down in an innertube. It’s open until February 22.

Play Broomball Broomball is a fun, fast-paced sport that requires minimal equipment and offers the chance to see your friends fall down a lot, so what’s not to love?

Build a Bonfire and Roast S’mores Turn any night into a camping trip by roasting s’mores over a fire pit right in your own backyard. If you don’t have space for a bonfire, you can still make s’mores over a gas-lit stove!

Make Some Maple Snow Taffy This sticky snow day treat had a cameo in Laura Ingalls Wilder’s book, Little House in the Big Woods. It’s made by pouring boiled maple syrup over fresh snow and it couldn’t be yummier. (See recipe at www.allrecipes. com/190467/maple-syrup-taffy)

If these ideas aren’t enough to inspire some galfriend time together for Galentine’s Day, take a page from Leslie Knope who literally wrote the book on Galentine’s day and simply put together your most creative goodie basket meant to impress. Who among us wouldn’t cherish “a bouquet of hand crocheted flower pens, a mosaic portrait of you made from the crushed bottles of your favorite diet soda and a personalized 5,000-word essay of why you are so awesome?”

Whether you’re single, married, “it’s complicated,” or somewhere in between, one thing will always remain constant and that’s our gals. Happy Galentine’s Day, Girlfriends!

Additional Sources: minnesotamonthly. com; exploreminnesota.com; hellogiggles. com; sierraclub.org; dnr.state.mn.us; elitedaily.com; kare11.com Marianne Radtke enjoys writing, photography, music, art, theater, travel, food, fashion, football, Fall, mountains, oceans, boating, biking, skiing and golf. She hates to cook and has a horrible green thumb.

She has written a children’s book about overcoming fears. She lives in Northfield with her husband and their four children.

D

o you remember that movie from the early ‘90’s titled “My Life?”

It was a movie about a middleaged man in the prime of his life, with a beautiful pregnant wife and a fulfilling job he loved. The man, played

by Michael Keaton, had his life turned upside down when he is diagnosed with cancer and given only four months to live.

I remember that movie well, primarily because it was the first movie that I remember sobbing throughout. Full-on body shaking sobs. You see, the character wouldn’t even live long enough to see his first child be born. In an effort to cleanse himself of demons from his past and to make the most of his remaining days, he made a video diary, hoping to pass along some wisdom to his future child. It was very poignant and emotional... and also ahead of its time.

These days ethical wills - which are any type of personal document that you create in order to communicate your values, experiences, and life lessons to your family and friends upon your passing - are more and more common.

They can take shape as a video, like in the movie, or as a written journal.

The point is, by leaving your family an ethical will, you’ll be leaving something meaningful behind, so they—and future generations—can learn from you and remember your stories after you are gone.

An ethical will is not a legal document, and should not replace a will that distributes your material wealth. Rather this type of will, or legacy letter if you will, distributes your morals and your wisdom. It is a heartfelt expression of what truly matters most in your life.

While ethical wills are not necessarily new, these days they are being written by people at turning points and transitions in their lives.

And sometimes, as in the case with Dennis

Mensing, they are prompted by a life circumstance.

“While digging through an old box in my room I came across something amazing that I couldn’t believe,” Mensing explained. “Let me back up a bit. Unfortunately, 24 years ago my dad died of leukemia. I was 24 at the time and absolutely devastated because I had now lost both parents to cancer. My mom died of bone marrow cancer when I was only 9. Then, about seven years ago, my brother died of leukemia at age 61. About a year after his death, I was taking classes at in Latin American

So Mensing picked it back up and again started writing. Just little tidbits of information he wants those he loves to know.

“I am writing it for my nieces and nephew in case I am the last survivor that would have to take care of them,” he said. “I’m the youngest in my family besides my nieces and nephew. It turned out my brother had no ethical will, just some other kind of will leaving money to his siblings. By writing an ethical will, I am hoping to share with my nieces and nephews values and lessons I know my brother would teach them if he were still alive.”

Although ethical wills have no legal standing and cannot be used to disperse money or property left behind, they can be a tool for distributing personal property that has little financial value but has great personal value.

Examples are: • Family photographs • Recipes • Items of clothing

By Lisa Cownie literature which somehow got me interested in writing at the time. I thought maybe one way to make myself feel better was to write something for my nieces and nephew about my experiences and sort of a guide to what has made me successful. It fits the definition of an ethical will. I had put it away in this box and forgot about it for many years until a few days ago when I was cleaning my room and found it and was like, ‘what is this?’ It was a true hidden treasure for sure!”

In case you think there may be bad feelings, they can also be used to explain to your survivors your intentions behind the decisions you made in your legal will.

Certainly, ethical wills can be written at any time. Many start writing them when they are young and growing their family. This can be a good time to think about what life lessons you’d like to pass on to future generations. Or you can also begin writing your ethical will when you are older. In that case you can share what memories and experiences you would like to eave with your family.

What lessons would you like to impart?

Often, writing an ethical will is an ongoing experience, not done in one setting. Instead, you can add to it as you yourself learn life lessons.

Ethical wills, or legacy letters, are growing in popularity as a way to share values, life’s lessons, hopes and dreams for the future, love, and forgiveness with your family, friends, and community.

It may be one of the most cherished and meaningful gifts you can leave behind.

Lisa Cownie writes from North Mankato. Her work can be found at lisacownie.com WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

13

By Beth Halleck

I

(This was originally published by Women for One on their website: www.womenforone.com)

wasn’t sure I’d be strong enough to do it.

After all, I knew only one other person who had, and that was my mother. She learned of the idea while taking a graduate class on human Beth Halleck. relationships, and it ABOVE L to R: Galen as a teenager and seemed like a perfectly as a young boy. natural—although uncommon—thing to do.

Later, when my grandmother was living with my parents during the final month of her life, my mother told the hospice nurse she wanted to wash my grandmother’s body after she died. The hospice nurse was a bit surprised, but supportive. Even though hospice mentions bathing the body as an option, no family had ever actually done so. Our family, though, has a long history of doing the

14

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

uncommon thing, and this was no exception.

My mother has shared the story of that memorable bath many times since.

Mom and her older sister gently wiped my grandmother with washcloths dipped in warm water, rubbed lotion on her skin, and washed and styled her hair. They handled her body with the same reverence and love of parents giving a newborn their first bath. They reminisced over childhood memories and reflected that Grandma would now be with her beloved husband again. When they were finished, the sisters invited their husbands to come in and say a toast, and everyone marveled at the sun glistening off the snow on that Christmas Eve day. They all remarked on how peaceful and natural it felt. And finally, they called the funeral home to let them know Grandma was ready.

Sixteen years later, it was my turn. I did not feel the quiet confidence my mom had shown years ago, that she could offer this last gesture of love. I held little hope that I would feel any sense of peace, or that it would come naturally…but I knew I had to try.

Two days after our son died, my husband and I drove to the funeral home. We had asked each of our closest friends to be there for moral support, to say prayers, or to simply send us strength and positive energy. I clung to my husband’s arm as the funeral director led us to a back door, down a hallway, to a room where Galen’s body was waiting.

I was afraid. This was not an expected death. Galen had taken his own life, and I had found him in his bedroom several hours

An earlier photo of the Halleck family, including Galen.

later. The image was burned in my memory, and I feared he would still look like he did that day.

My husband, a former police officer, had seen a few dead bodies in his work. He gently offered reassurance that bodies relax after a while, and Galen would probably look better.

As we prepared to go in, I reminded myself that I could change my mind at any time; this was not an obligation but a choice. Yet when the door opened and I saw my son’s face, I knew instantly that I could do this. The swelling and discoloration of his face had subsided, and my mothering instinct overpowered any lingering uncertainty.

The funeral director showed us how the water worked, set the temperature to warm, and told us he would be just down the hall.

Then the three of us were alone.

I caressed Galen’s cheek, stroked his hair, and held his hand. We began by running warm water over his body, then each took a washcloth to gently bathe our son. Tears flowed as we passed the bar of soap back and forth. We tried to offer Galen a semblance of modesty by having my husband wash between his legs, since at 15 years old, Galen was already almost fully grown.

I washed his hair with the Johnson’s Baby Shampoo I’d brought from home. The scent

reminded me of when he was a newborn and I was so full of confidence.

I gently scolded my sweet boy for doing this incomprehensible thing.

“Oh, Galen, this was not the answer.

This was not the solution,” I said quietly.

Finally, we swaddled his body in a simple cotton shroud, working together to gently rock Galen from side to side, wrapping the fabric under him. We paused for a few moments to decide on shrouding his face, or not. The thought of never seeing his face again was almost too much to bear, so we chose to leave his face uncovered.

The funeral director helped us transfer Galen’s body into the coffin, then left us alone to say goodbye. Before we put the lid on the coffin, we read a prayer for the departed from the Baha’i writings, and I told Galen I loved him.

We emerged into the arms of our friends, who had waited so patiently.

They said we seemed transformed from when we walked in a few hours before.

And indeed, we were.

The constriction in my chest had loosened a little and I could take a deep breath for the first time in days. And even though the river of grief continued to roil around us during Galen’s bath, we had momentarily found our footing in the extraordinary task of two parents caring for their child. It gave me hope that we were grounded enough to find our way forward.

Beth Halleck is full of unwritten stories about living in pre-revolutionary Iran, choosing home-births, and serving as a birth and death doula. Beth hopes to inspire others by sharing her unusual life journey.

In her free time she knits and does crosswords in pen (to keep track of her mistakes.) She resides in southeastern Minnesota with her husband and youngest child.

Recent Halleck family photo (with addition of daughter-in-law and granddaughter)

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

15

What to Do With All That

T

Stuff

By Beth Forkner Moe

oo much stuff - the story of my life.

Books, dishes, pieces of paper with lists and ideas. And photos. And other things.

Yes, I know that downsizing/decluttering is a huge way to decrease stress levels (including the level of stress caused by your young adult children telling you they REALLY don’t want all your stuff when you die). I’ve read many books and articles on this topic – by the way, Marie Kondo does not “spark joy” for me.

We have been working diligently for several months to move items out of our home and to not bring in new items. However, it’s easy to get overwhelmed when you start this process, or even when you’re in the middle of it.

My tipping point on trying to get a handle on this was when I realized how many outdated entertainment items we have; specifically, cassette and VHS tapes. We either threw most of them away or took them to a thrift store. Some, however, are deeply personal – our wedding video, news clips we’ve been part of, concerts we’ve performed in. How can we preserve those memories? Photos are easily digitized (organizing them is a whole different topic), and it’s also easy enough to “keep” your children’s

16

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

artwork by taking photos then disposing of the originals.

I turned to my friend Google to help me find some answers. There are a good number of people – a subset of professional organizers - who help digitize and organize these items so people can keep memories but clear up space.

Marilyn Tomforhrde, Chronic One is Marilyn Disorganization Specialist and owner of New Life Organizing.

Tomforhrde, Chronic Disorganization Specialist and owner of New Life Organizing. Her mission is “helping you make time and space for what you love most in life!” She is also a member of the National Association of Productivity and Organizing Professionals (NAPO) and holds a certification from the Institute for Challenging Disorganization.

She has also been featured on an episode of “Hoarding: Buried Alive.” (It can been found on YouTube, Season 2, Episode 9.)

“I have always loved to organize,” she said. After a job loss

years ago, she dove into career research/ interest assessments.

Professional organizing was one of her “high options.” “I was amazed that people actually got paid to do this! My research brought me to NAPO and then to the Minnesota chapter of NAPO. I attended a few meetings and decided to jump in head first,” she said. That was almost 15 years ago, and she’s been doing it (on a part-time basis) since.

Marilyn loves helping people – “teaching them skills, developing them, seeing their joy when they get where they want to be.

This is something I never dreamed people could get paid for, but that so many other people need.”

She enjoys many aspects of her job. “I love working with young families (who might simply need help organizing the toys and other items that come with children and in a small house),” she said. “And I love helping people downsize. Often people are pivoting to their next phase of life, and it’s super-exciting to see that that’s going to look like.”

Sometimes, she said, mental health issues contribute to the need to hire a professional organizer. There also can be situational challenges; for example, a person might face the death of a father, then have to help their mother move into assisted living, and the paperwork and the entire situation is overwhelming. “People are doing fine, then life gets in the way,” she said.

Marilyn said disorganization (up to and including hoarding) often involves an emotional component. “People can get stuck in a healing process,” she said.

The amount of time she works with a client varies depending on that person’s needs.

“Sometimes, I simply do an assessment and give people take-aways,” she said. “Other times, I do everything for a person (to help them get organized).”

I asked Marilyn how I can organize and permanently store my items (including photos), or if I should outsource some of it..

“The same process is used for all organizing,” she said. She has developed a 4-S System: • Sort – like items together.

• Simplify – downsize/right size. If it isn’t serving you, it is taking away from you.

Make it “pay its rent.”

• Settle into a home – a folder, a container, etc.

• Survey – take stock after a period of time and regularly thereafter – does the way you set it up make sense? What do you want to tweak to make it better?

If you’re working on photos, for example, gather them, back up the ones you keep, and sort/organize them.

She also gave me some resources that might be helpful for the technological items (see Sidebar).

Marilyn said the biggest hurdle people face when beginning this process is that they are overwhelmed and don’t know how and where to start. She has some advice for people who are starting to dip their toes into full-scale organization.

“If you tackle it yourself, take baby steps!

Be patient,” she said.” Take small bites at a time. Set up your process before you begin.

And don’t be afraid to hire an expert.”

For more information, check out her website at www.NewLifeOrganizing.com.

Beth Forkner Moe is the Editor of SouthernMinn Girlfriends. She wishes she was more organized, but is continually working on it.

Some resources to check out: Visipics, Duplicate Photo Cleaner, Mylio, Adobe Lightroom, (Adobe’s Creative Cloud online subscription includes both LIghtroom and Photoshop for $9.99 a month) Forever, Photo Mechanic, Photo Sweeper, Legacybox You can store and share photos through Drop Box or Flickr or This Life from Shutterfly You can also use a company to scan and digitize for you, such as Legacy Republic, or Forever.com Forever sends you a box - you fill it up, send it back, and they digitize and send it back on a flash drive, CD or your own Forever account. The cost is $50 per hour.

The National Association of Productivity & Organizing Professionals (NAPO) has over 3,500 members worldwide dedicated to helping people and organizations bring order and efficiency to their lives. www.napo.net and https://napominnesota.com Institute for Challenging Disorganization: Our mission is to provide education, research and strategies to benefit people affected by chronic disorganization, and the professionals who work with them. www.challengingdisorganization.org

Chronic Disorganization: • Persists over a long period of time; • Frequently undermines quality of life; and • Recurs despite repeated self-help attempts.

Chronic disorganization may be present with brain-based challenges such as ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, Hoarding Disorder, PTSD, TBI (traumatic brain injury), and more.

110 7th Street West, Northfield • 507-301-3774 • sissys.on.7th@gmail.com

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

17

Protecting Yourself From Fraud in the Age of Technology

W

By Beth Forkner Moe

e’ve all heard the saying, “there’s a sucker born every minute.” We generally say to ourselves, “that would never be me, though.” However, any one of us – if the timing or opportunity are right – could find ourselves in this role.

It’s important to learn how to protect yourself from fraud, or cons, or scams. They’ve been around for a very long time. If there’s a way to make money, someone will try to do it. And there are always people who will fall victim to these criminals.

Almost everyone has received frightening phone calls, like someone saying they are from the IRS or Social Security and that we owe money or our Social Security account is being shut down – or frustrating calls from someone other than appeared on the caller ID screen - or nerve-wracking calls saying a loved one is in danger. The same information often comes through our e-mail. Most of the time, people realize this is not correct. If not, though, they might find themselves in a tricky situation costing time and/or money and often leading to embarrassment. If we haven’t received these calls, we’ve received similar information through our e-mails.

18

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

A few definitions: Fraud – deceit or trickery; an intentional perversion of truth in order to induce another to part with something of value or to surrender a legal right.

Scam – a fraudulent or deceptive act or operation.

Confidence (or con) man – a person who tricks other people in order to get their money.

People who carry out cons are referred to as “con artists,” or “grifters.” The first known usage of term “con man” was in 1849. A man named William Thompson would chat with strangers until he asked if they had the confidence to lend him their watch. He would then leave with the watch.

Scams or cons or frauds – they’re all about money. Whenever there is money to be made, people will try to find it. It doesn’t matter if it’s legal, or ethical. When there are vulnerable people (and we ALL are vulnerable) and unethical people, there will always be attempts to cheat others.

What vehicles are used to scam people?

Everything, including:

• Computer • Phone • Mail • E-mail

• Door-to-door • Stolen credit card numbers

COMPUTERS A message shows up on your computer telling you to immediately call a phone number because your computer has a virus, and the company you are calling will help you fix it. When you call the number on the screen, it often is answered by someone saying they can help you as long as you give them your credit card number and authorize a specific payment.

Once you authorize the payment, they are done talking to you (but now have your credit card number and will use it to make fraudulent purchases). If this happens, your only recourse is to call your credit card company, stop the unauthorized payments and purchases, and cancel your card.

If you don’t authorize it but have given your credit card information, the entity can hack into your computer and shut it down, making it unusable and compromising all your financial accounts.

This type of scam has an easy remedy. When you get a message of this type, do not respond. Get rid of the message, then call the actual phone number for your computer’s manufacturer to determine if there is actually a problem with your computer.

As with all scams, do not give ANY personal or financial information over the phone, unless you have initiated the call or the contact.

PHONE Numerous scams are attempted over the phone. This seems to be the most common method scammers use today.

The “grandparent” call You receive a phone call from their “grandchild (or other family member) in distress.” Typically, the person says, “Grandma (or Grandpa), this is your grandson. I’m in trouble (I need medical treatment, or I’m in legal trouble and I need bail). Can you help me?”

The caller then says, “Please don’t tell anyone. I’d be so embarrassed if Mom or Dad found out. Can you send me some money?”

Do not provide any information. Ask the caller some questions only family members would know (it actually could be a legitimate call).

Get the caller’s number and tell them you will call them back. Don’t act quickly or in a panic.

This happened to our family a couple years ago. My dad did all the right things. First, he called me and casually asked if we had talked to our son recently. He does bring up our son during phone calls, so I didn’t know anything was amiss. I told him we had talked to our son within the past couple days and everything was fine. As it turned out, Dad had received one of those phone calls. Since he’s a bit hard of hearing, it’s not unusual that he wouldn’t have immediately recognized the voice (although our son does talk to my parents at least a couple times a month). Dad got the caller’s (alleged) information, then checked with me. He was also trying to protect our son, just in case he was in trouble and really didn’t want me to know.

“You’ve won!”

Someone calls and says you’ve won something but you have to purchase something else to claim it, or you need to pay for delivery.

They will also ask you to share your credit card number, your checking account number, or to “verify” your Social Security number. The solution to this one is easy – simply hang up on the caller.

“This is the IRS. You owe us money. If you don’t pay, we will send the police.”

They ask you to either give them your credit card number or to purchase gift cards and call back with the cards’ PIN numbers. This recently happened to a friend’s family member, who spent hundreds of dollars on gift cards and giving the info to the scammers, until the family found out what was happening and stepped in to help her.

The IRS will NEVER contact you by phone. If they want to correspond with you, it’s always by mail. I got a call like this not too long ago and panicked, until I realized it was a potential scam.

“This is the Social Security office. There’s a problem with your account. We need to verify your Social Security number.”

Hang up. Do NOT give them your Social Security number. Once someone has it, they can use your number to open up multiple credit card accounts in your name, tying up your identity and potential buying thousands of dollars of items.

“Hello? Can you hear me?” or “Hello, is this (your name)?”

Unless you’re positive it’s someone you know well (like your mom or your best friend), never answer “yes.” That, in your voice, can be recorded and used by scammers to – again – open up accounts in your name.

The one-ring call, or the call you don’t take because you don’t recognize the number.

We’ve all gotten them, sometimes many times a day. These are often fake (spoofed) numbers; when you call back, it often routes you to an international call, where you can end up spending a significant amount of money if you don’t have an international calling plan.

“Spoofing” is incredibly easy to do, according to a recent article in AARP’s magazine. Several apps are available on both Android and iPhones. You simply download the app, then enter the number you want to call. Next, you put in the number you want to appear on the target’s caller ID screen. It can be any number – the local pizza restaurant, the bank, even the White House. The app even allows for voice-pitch alterations.

Bogus charities and businesses – today’s news is tomorrow’s scam.

Following a natural (or other) disaster, many “charities” or “businesses” call to ask for your donation, saying they “need” your money quickly. It might sound like a legitimate charity, but with a slightly different name. Ask for more details about the organization and for them to send you information in the mail (if you’re interested). Also, check out the organization’s website. If you decide to make a contribution, make it through the official site.

E-MAIL Many of the same types of phone scams phone also show up in e-mail. There are a couple additional ones, including the “Nigerian Prince” scam. (Remember that one? “I am the son of a Nigerian prince and I have come into some money. I need to place it into an account in America. Please give me your account number and I will wire the money to you. You may keep a certain amount of the money.”) Once you give the sender your account number, they have full access to your money.

Another is similar to the “grandparent” call. Someone you know says they are traveling and either have a medical emergency or have CONTINUES ON PAGE 20

WINTER 2020

uuu

southernminngirlfriends.com

19

CONTINUED FROM page 19

lost their credit card. Can you please send them money? This is easy to check out; simply contact the person, or – if you know they really are travelling – a close friend or family member of theirs and ask if they are ok.

“Phishing” is a type of scam in which an email pretends to be from a bank or another trusted source to trick you into handing over personal information. Phishing e-mails often have a sense of urgency.

For example, they may claim that “unauthorized charges” were made on your credit card and that you need to immediately verify your information. Don’t follow the link in a phishing email. It’s easy for an e-mail to use the logo from a legitimate company in order to look official, but any link you click could take you to a shady site. Always type the web address manually or click one of your own bookmarks to go to your bank or other trusted websites.

DOOR-TO-DOOR The best-known of these scams involve people’s roofs (generally after a storm) or driveways. Someone comes to your door and offers to help repair your roof or to blacktop your driveway, asking for money up front. If you pay, you’ll probably never see the “contractor” or your money again. If this happens to you, report it to the police. If you’re prudent, though, you’ll ask for their business license number and check out the company before going ahead with any work.

Stolen card numbers Shortly after our son traveled to Colombia several years ago, we discovered hundreds of dollars of purchases on his card from Best Buys in various states and Victoria’s Secret in New Hampshire. That was an easy fix; a simple phone call to the bank, and the charges were blocked. This also happened to us last fall after we had visited a local restaurant. Within a couple days, I noticed I had “purchased” a lot of jewelry from a couple websites that don’t even exist. A call to the bank took care of it. I filed a police report (even though there wasn’t really anything they could do. Filing police reports is never a bad idea, since it creates a paper trail in case there are other complaints against the same sites). Check your bank account information on a regular basis.

IDENTITY THEFT All these types of scams can lead to identity theft, defined as “The fraudulent acquisition and use of a person’s private identifying information, usually for financial gain.” All of the above methods can be used to steal someone’s identity (and money).

Identity theft is fraud. It takes your name and information in order to steal money from you.

The identity thief steals your identity (AKA, personal information) to: obtain credit cards from banks and retailers; open checking and savings accounts in your name or apply for loans; purchase products, using your information and assets; and ruin your credit and (possibly) your reputation.

Don’t make it easy for the thieves: • Do not carry your Social Security card in your wallet or write it on your checks.

• Always protect your PIN. • Keep receipts and check them against your bank accounts.

• Shred all receipts (after checking your bank accounts), credit card offers, bank statements, etc.

20

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

• Check your credit report at least once a year, to ensure that there are no unauthorized accounts.

• Keep your computer passwords safe.

According to Experian, consumers reported $905 million in total fraud losses in 2017, a 21.6% increase over 2016. The median amount lost was $429. 21% of the consumers who reported a fraudrelated complaint lost money. The most common method money was paid out was via wire transfer. 64% of all fraud-related complaints reported the method of initial contact. Of those complaints, 69.8% said the telephone and 9.7% said e-mail.

There are both financial and emotional impacts to identity theft. As Experian said, it can take a lot of time and money to resolve and can bring emotional distress. The statistics from a study they conducted show: • 26% of respondents had to borrow money from family or friends.

• 22% took time off work.

• 15.3% of respondents sold possessions to pay for expenses caused by their identity theft.

When it comes to the emotional impact of identity theft, many feel annoyance about the fact that they have to spend so many hours dealing with the problem, often taking time away from work. Statistics about the emotional impact of identity theft show: • 66% of respondents experienced fear regarding their personal financial security.

• 53% felt a sense of powerlessness or helplessness.

Who is targeted for scams and/or identity thefts? Everyone is a potential target, but older people are disproportionately targeted. Often, they are more isolated or lonely, leaving them with fewer people to share information with or get advice from. Additionally, they may have some impairments, including hearing or cognition, that may leave them less likely to make wise decisions.

How can you stay safe?

• Always be wary of the types of incidents listed above, such as phones calls from people you don’t know. Be careful with the information you share, so it doesn’t get into the wrong hands.

• Keep your computer safe by installing anti-virus software and keeping your passwords up-to-date. Make your passwords unique so no one can steal them, change them often, and keep a list of them somewhere (NOT on your computer or taped to your computer).

• Limit the amount of personal information you share on social media. For example, don’t show identifying information, including your phone number, address or license plate. Don’t let people know you’ll be out of town, no matter how tempting it might be. I admit I get excited about vacations, but if I post something ahead of time or during the time we’re gone, I generally say something like “and the dogs are excited that one of their good friends is staying with them.”

That might not be perfect, but it doesn’t leave our (literal or figurative) door wide open.

This can be an overwhelming topic, but there are a few easy things to remember: • Use common sense.

• Don’t re-act to things without thinking them through.

• Be careful.

• Be connected.

• Be conservative.

Beth Forkner Moe is the Editor of SouthernMinn Girlfriends. She is passionate about keeping people safe and informed about issues that can affect them.

A m an ’s perspective

Motivation versus

inspiration: jonas Trent Jonas is a Twin Cities-based writer and divorced father of two. He is fascinated and frightened by women but is working through his issues.

A

Discuss!

blank page, whether on a screen or in a notebook…

Does not motivate me in the least.

In fact, it tends to do the opposite: It paralyzes me with possibility. And “too many possibilities” is the best way to sum up the trouble I was having with deciding what angle to take in writing about motivation for this issue. I mean, I could have started with any topic from a New Year’s Resolution to that controversial Peloton ad starring the woman with the perpetuallysad eyebrows to “Just Do It!”—and all the possibilities around and between these ideas.

But I’m not, because none of these thoughts were particularly inspirational to me on the theme of motivation.

You see, in thinking about how unmotivated I was, even in light of the myriad possibilities with which I was faced, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was motivated but just

uninspired. I mean, is there is really much of a difference between inspiration and motivation?

You know what, I don’t think there is. At least not for me.

For example, I may have the time and energy to do something—say, write a column for Girlfriends magazine—but if I’m not inspired, it simply doesn’t happen. It seems to me that this phenomenon is not limited solely to things like writing columns. I may spend a lot of time thinking that I should make something for dinner, but unless and until I can think of something I want to prepare, it doesn’t happen (I live on my own, so ravenous children are not currently a factor).

That’s not to say that I don’t do the things that I have to do, even if I’m not motivated or inspired to do them, like roll out of bed in the morning and do whatever it is that I am required to do prior to drinking coffee.

So, clearly, lack of motivation does not equal complete paralysis. It just results in some acute near-term stress about getting done the things that I need to—along with engaging in a considerable amount of distracting behavior until I am finally inspired to cook or write or do anything but scowl at those chipper morning people.

So, to sum up. Motivation is good. It’s the fuel for getting things done. But, without the spark of inspiration, it’s not always enough to get you where you need to be. In my opinion, anyway.

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

21

Tackling Obstacles, Raising College Hope

F

By Nancy Iglesias

ifteen years ago, Beth Berry was an elementary counselor in the Northfield Public School district. She could not help noticing that while test scores for typical Caucasian students were high, the same test scores for Latino students were very low. Not only was there a great disparity in test scores, but the number of Latino students finishing high school and pursuing further education was also extremely low.

Beth could not ignore that stark contrast and was determined to make a difference in turning those numbers around, maximizing the life potential and changing the trajectory of life for students who might otherwise fall between the cracks. From 2001 to 2004 only 15 Latino students graduated from Northfield Public Schools, while 27 dropped out—a graduation rate of 36%. Further, fewer than five students pursued any type of post-secondary education or training.

At about that same time, Beth’s guidance counselor position was eliminated due to budget cuts. But her passion to make a difference was not to be deterred. She was invited by one of her colleagues (an ESL teacher) to team up to begin a work that would become TORCH (Tackling Obstacles, Raising College Hope).

22

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

With donations from local Northfield community members, they identified more than a dozen Latino students and invited them and their families to a dinner at a Northfield bowling alley. While the students enjoyed a few games of bowling, the St. Olaf’s Dean of Diversity - who was Latino - challenged their parents to reframe their thinking about education. The Dean shared potential lifetime income for students who dropped out of high school, those who finished high school and those who went on to pursue some type of post-secondary education.

While his words were indeed challenging, there were new bonds of friendship and community forged amongst those families. A group photo was taken and given to each family. The following words of commitment were inscribed onto each framed photo: “On this day, I promise to do all that I can to see that my child completes their high school degree …” And so it began.

The program started small. That first year, TORCH served 17 students. A grant from the Office of Higher Education supported those early years. For the first several years, the focus was solely on Latinos. The mission was eventually broadened to include all minorities, low-income and first-generation college students.

From its onset, the program was designed to build positive relationships and to lay the groundwork for students to envision

themselves obtaining academic and career success. TORCH staff and volunteers have been there to motivate, challenge, walk alongside, and “hold a torch” to inspire students to believe in themselves and navigate the challenging waters of pursuing their goals.

Whether due to a lack of vision or a lack of opportunity, many participants in the TORCH program had never dared to dream about setting or pursuing goals for the future. Beth’s passion for education was obvious as she talked about the joy of exposing students to what’s possible, providing experiences where they can see themselves in those scenarios and nurturing expectations for students to give back to others.

Fast forward 15 years to the 2019-20 school year. From its humble beginnings of serving 17 high school students in 2004, TORCH now serves nearly 600 students at the middle school, high school and post-secondary level. The benchmark for counting TORCH students is a minimum of 10 contacts per academic year. The average student has approximately 30 contacts.

Katie Lovrien serves as the Northfield Middle School TORCH Director. She and her team work with at-risk sixth to eight graders who might fall into the achievement gap. The primary goals at the middle school level are to give students the skills they will need to succeed in high school and to plant the seeds for students to envision and embrace their own academic and career pathways. TORCH seeks to work with those students who may be less engaged with school and/ or those who are not feeling connected. It takes a very relational approach to setting students up to succeed.

While tutoring is a very important component of the TORCH program, there are many other skills that are an essential part of the program. Skills such as knowing how to ask for help (talking to or emailing a teacher), organizational skills, test preparation skills and knowing how to revise your homework are shared with the students.

Students are encouraged to participate in clubs and other afterschool activities to build relational skills and community. Even at the middle school level, opportunities are given to explore college and career options. Just recently, a group of 20 middle schoolers toured the St. Olaf campus. “I want my students to see themselves at college,” Katie said.

Tessa Kiesow has served as the High School Director since 2017. She and her staff (support specialist, Americorps members and Promise Fellows) have a designated classroom where TORCH students can come before or after school or during breaks they may have during the day.

Tessa says there is no typical day for her. Her days are spent responding to students’ needs. Those needs include academic needs but also other basic needs like transportation (giving a student a ride to an appointment), housing, and food security. The sheer volume of those needs present the biggest challenges to Tessa’s days. But, she said, the rewards of seeing students’ growth from year to year far outweighs the challenges.

Tessa recalls one student who had been involved with TORCH CONTINUES ON PAGE 43

WINTER 2020

uuu

southernminngirlfriends.com

23

WEDDINGS

24

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

for weddings as nature intended Linnaeus Arboretum gustavus adolphus College St. peter, Minnesota

Large or small ceremonies.

Intimate dinners and receptions. arboretum@gustavus.edu 507-933-6181

Photo by Linda Albrecht

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

25

A Modern Wedding Story

26

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

T

By Katie Roiger

he afternoon of April 20, 2019, was a sunny, breezy seventy degrees – a welcome temperature after a long, sub-zero winter. I turned from admiring the view on Mankato’s Red Jacket Bridge to see my then-boyfriend Matt down on one knee with a ring in his hand and a huge smile on his face. One shocked expletive later (oops), we were engaged. It was perfect.

During the following months, I was so glad to have that memory reminding me why we were choosing to deal with a hefty dose of wedding stress. The whole point of planning our wedding was being together forever afterward, a thought that was in peril of getting lost as the days quickly got panicky. Matt and I had very little contact during the first half of our engagement due to his training with the Minnesota State Patrol. The MSP academy’s structure dictated that he be gone for five days a week with no phone access. This made wedding preparation challenging, to say the least.

It didn’t help that we had decided to get married 4-1/2 months from the day of our engagement. After graduation, Matt was being stationed in a different county and we understandably wanted to be together as soon as possible.

On top of that, my younger brother was also getting married two weeks before us, on the other side of the country! Sometimes it felt as though the only thing we hadn’t thrown into the mix was home renovation or an appendicitis.

Was it crazy? Yes. Was it occasionally stressful? Absolutely. Looking back, would I have wished it any different? Not at all. The self-imposed pressure of our our insane timetable taught us valuable lessons in focusing on essentials that ultimately made our special day even more meaningful.

Communicate!

Marriage therapists stress open and frequent communication as do-or-die for a healthy relationship. We learned this lesson even before the wedding – the hard way. Eight weeks before we said “I do,” I asked Matt during one of our rare afternoons together if his groomsmen had all ordered their tuxes. I’d picked out the colors and styles a month ago, told my fiancé, and blithely assumed that he would take care of the rest. When his first response was a blank stare, I realized the peril of assumptions. Not only had he not let the groomsmen know where to rent their suits, he hadn’t even picked all of his groomsmen yet! Clearly, we had a different idea of what our wedding timetable should be.

CONTINUES ON PAGE 28 u u u

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

27

CONTINUED FROM page 27

While I couldn’t just expect that I could just assume that Matt would know to tell his groomsmen where to order their tuxes, he also couldn’t just expect that I would know he didn’t want a morningafter brunch with relatives. Only by being very clear in our phone conversations and brief meetings – as we did after the tux fiasco could we hope to plan a day that would make us both happy.

Ask for Help I didn’t hire a wedding planner.

Hoping to keep costs reasonable, I decided to plan it all by myself.

Spoiler: This doesn’t work with a 4-1/2-month time frame. Fortunately, I had several generous friends and family members who eagerly volunteered to lend a hand, from assembling handmade wedding invitations (yes, I did that!) to sketching several drafts of table arrangements for the reception.

One friend even loaned me decorations from her own wedding two months previous and volunteered her brother-in-law to print our seating chart.

One of my happiest memories from my bridal shower was watching my sister and my best friend, who live several states away from each other, stage a party that had clearly involved hefty forethought and a thorough consideration of what they thought I’d like best. I was floored by their attention to detail, as well as their willingness to continue helping all the way until Matt and I were married.

What I discovered from having such a brief planning period was how many people were happy to be asked to help with preparations.

Their wedding gift to us was a completed to-do list that kept our sanity intact.

Gut Instincts Are Good Once she says “Yes to the ring,” any newly engaged bride-to-be is staggered by the amount of decisions she has to make before saying “I do.” From bridal party apparel to flowers, to cake (or cupcake or donut) flavors, the

28

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

sheer volume of choices can be overwhelming. After all, you want your day to be as perfect as possible. What if the ivory you chose for the tablecloths clashes with your dress?

Matt and I tend to make quick decisions about most things other than what movie to watch tonight.

This certainly aided us while planning our wedding – but so did knowing that due to our time frame, we had to make all choices quickly anyway. Matt chose the cake flavor based on what sounded best from a list of options, I picked the earrings I wore based on what was currently available in the bridal salon, and we let the florist choose our wedding flowers after we described to her the rustic flair we wanted for the wedding. By not sweating over decisions like whether to have the flower girls wear ivy crowns or clip-in roses, we were able to focus on what was most important to us - creating a fun and welcoming day for our guests.

As I sat at the head table and looked over a crowd of friends and family laughing and eating together, I realized that no one was wondering why I chose Mason jar centerpieces rather than birch logs – and neither was I. We were all focused on the happiness that comes from celebrating with those we love.

While I’d never, ever, suggest that our way is the best way to approach wedding planning, I remember those busy months with pleasure. We learned so much about ourselves and how we work as a team, even with limited time together and a thousand things to do. I’d heartily encourage any bride, no matter how she chooses to stage her big day, to see the weeks before her wedding as opportunities to grow closer to her fiancé, trust her instincts, and appreciate the special people in her life.

Katie Roiger is a freelance writer who works out of the greater Mankato area. She enjoys exploring every town she visits and knowing where to find the best Italian restaurant in any 40-mile radius.

Goodbye Tradition,

Hello Personalization

A

By Sarah Osterbauer

s young girls, many women dream of their perfect wedding. A child of the ‘80s, I envisioned a white dress, a church, a reception at a fancy hotel banquet room or country club. Of course, like many things, as times changed, so did my dream wedding. What actually transpired was at an old roundhouse (a place where trains would switch tracks), there was an appetizer buffet, no dinner and our friend (ordained by the internet) performed the ceremony.

I walked down the aisle to a song from the movie “Twilight,” and back up to Justin Timberlake. My bridesmaids all wore different-styled dresses in the same color. Some of the things we did were still considered traditional, while many were not. And we weren’t alone in rejecting many of the traditional wedding characteristics. Today, it’s more common to buck tradition than to honor it.

One tradition that has been in swift decline is a church ceremony. According to a study done by wedding magazine The Knot (and reported by the Star Tribune in June 2019), only 22% of weddings were held in churches in 2017, versus 41% in 2009. Alternatively, folks have chosen barns, mansions/histori-

CONTINUES ON PAGE 30 u u u

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

29

CONTINUED FROM page 29

cal locations, hotels and banquet halls to host their nuptials.

One of the reasons couples cite for the switch are a church’s strict requirements. Many churches (of various denominations) require the couple to attend marriage classes for weeks before the ceremony. Some prohibit cohabitation before marriage, a tough sell in 2019, not to mention the prohibition of same-sex marriage.

Another reason is purely logistical. Couples want to make the event more convenient for their guests by having the ceremony and reception at the same location. This also cuts down on the awkward between time from ceremony and reception.

Another wedding trend of yore no one is missing is the dry chicken served with mashed potatoes and undercooked green beans. The only thing you could count on to be edible in that meal was the buttered dinner roll. Now cuisine can be all over the map. Pizza Luce? Sure. Blue Door Pub burgers (signature flavors picked by the bride and groom, of course)? BBQ food truck, a handful of different buffet stations serving a variety of ethnic foods, are all things we’ve seen. Not a fan of cake? No problem. Alternatives to cake have been donut walls, pie, cheesecake, no dessert at all (for shame!).

Regarding professional photos, the current preference is for more of a fly-on-the-wall presence, shot with artsy Instagram-worthy lighting.

Wide-angle shots of wedding dresses hung on the doors of an antique armoire, or a barn door, the ceremony program framed by fresh flowers, a black-and-white portrait of bride reading a note from the groom, all these are examples of modern wedding day shots. Couples desire candid moments versus traditional cookie-cutter poses.

A popular modern candid is the “First Look”; an event coordinated by the photographer to document the first moment the bride and groom see each other for the day, usually before the ceremony. The pure joy and awe of such an intimate moment is one many couples cherish long after the day has passed. With the elimination of the church altar, folks are left to create their own “altar” of sorts by using decorative arches, overhangs and wall installations to give their guests a natural 30

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

focal point.

Beyond these, the most notable trend is the amount of personalization incorporated into weddings. Couples want the focus to be on them, their love story, and the things that make up their love for each other. This can manifest in a number of ways, from flowers to food, from decor, to wedding party, to dress code.

Some couples choose a wedding theme; i.e., Halloween (all guests in costume; bride wore a black dress), to Zelda (video game cosplay) to Harry Potter, to Game of Thrones (my wedding). Wedding parties are taking on a more authentic look as brides and grooms don’t feel obligated to have the same number of people standing with each of them, nor do they feel it necessary to choose the same-gender folks. Brides may choose a Man of Honor; grooms, a Best Woman.

Long-time wedding officiant Kathy Diedrich of Minnesota Life Celebrations calls them “honor attendants” to be gender-neutral. She said she has seen more importance placed on choosing a wedding party that accurately represents the couples’ most cherished supporters than trying to fill a required male/female quota. This could not be more evident than in our own editor’s son’s wedding, where the grandmas were “flower girls.” (Ed. Note: besides the grandmas – who were beautiful - our son had a “Best Person,” his closest female friend since high school.) When it comes to wedding parties anything and everything is possible, allowed and encouraged.

Whether you want to get married in a barn or on the grounds of a winery, if you want 50 guests or 500, the most on-trend thing you can do is be true to you and your spouse. Weddings at their core are a celebration of love, your love, so why should it be anything less than a grand representation of what that looks like?

It doesn’t matter what your aunt Ethel thinks, or your Uncle Marty, and definitely not what your cousin Brenda thinks. What matters most is creating an event that makes the most sense for you and your loved one. Martha Stewart may say succulents are in, or taupes and mauves are the new navy and sage, but if those colors don’t move you, choose something that does!

Sarah Osterbauer is a freelance writer based in St. Paul.

Custom Menus, Desserts, Linens, Dishware, Flatware, and Wait Staff Available Full Service Catering Menu & Bar In House, On Location Service Available Largest Drink Selection In Southern Minnesota Including A Unique Reserve Wine List & Specialty Martini Menu 208 N. cedar owatoNNa, mN

call (507) 455.9260

toreys.Net WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

31

Mankato

LAURIE DANBERRY Stop in today and let me help you pick a new car to carry you into your happily ever after.

1234 Raintree Rd., Mankato

507-387-0443 lauriedanberry@heintztoyota.com• www.heintztoyota.com

Pins and Needles Alterations

Full Service Bridal Alterations • Hemming of any style dress • Bustles • Re-beading • Resizing your gown • Shortening straps and adding cups • Custom garters and veils made to order • Bridesmaid and prom dresses • Mothers of the Bride and Groom, as well as flower girls • Men’s tailoring • No appointment necessary

$5.00 OFF

Any Bridal Related Alteration expires 12-31-20 728 N. Riverfront Dr. Mankato 507-625-5163 • katobears.com

Gardenn Wedding and Eveents Center Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ Ÿ

Your our wedding ceremony or event in a beautiful garden Seating for up to 300 guests Full-service from start to finish Reception options On-site parking with parking assistance Indoor bathroom facilities Handicapped accessible

www.bloomsoflove.com shari@bloomsoflove.com 507-951-1619

32

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

Secrets to at-home weddings

M any couples preparing for their trip down the aisle follow the familiar sentiments expressed by Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz.” Such couples feel “there’s no place like home” when hosting a wedding ceremony or reception.

There are many benefits to hosting a wedding at home. Homes often hold couples’ most cherished memories, and hosting a backyard celebration or an intimate indoor ceremony at your own home or the abode of a loved one can be a costeffective way to have a good time.

Here are some tips to help couples navigate hosting an athome wedding.

Assess the space The average home is not equipped to handle hundreds of guests, wait staff, caterers, and parked cars. Concessions in regard to comfort and safety will have to be made when drawing up the guest list. The wedding resource The Knot advises the general rule is six- to 10 square-feet of floor space per guest for row seating. You’ll probably need even more space for buffet tables, seating and a dance floor.

You will likely need to temporarily move furniture to comfortably fit everyone indoors

- or rent a large enough tent for a backyard wedding.

Hire a cleaning service It’s important to present a clean, inviting space when hosting a wedding at home. A cleaning service will conduct a thorough cleaning before and after the festivities, freeing up your time for last-minute tasks or to embark on your honeymoon.

Book an officiant early Confirm with an officiant that they can oversee the wedding proceedings at your home. Many religious officials are not able to perform ceremonies outside of a place of worship.

Learn if it’s legal Certain municipalities may require permits for parking on street, noise past a certain hour, closing of streets, and much more.

Do your research. You may need to coordinate parking at a nearby lot (like a school closed on the weekend) and shuttle people to your home.

Consult with an insurance carrier Inquire if having such a large party at home is covered by your homeowner’s insurance policy, particularly if your home is damaged or someone gets injured during the festivities. Supplemental liability insurance or an umbrella policy may offer greater protection.

Weddings at home can be a unique opportunity for couples who love the comfort and familiarity of their homes.

unexpected caregiver

Finding the

Motivation to Ask for Help

Berit Kari Berit, author of The Unexpected Caregiver, helping you stay S.A.N.E.— Supported, Appreciated, Not Guilty and Energized—as you care for a loved one. Follow her at www.KariBerit.net

I

think most of us have heard about the fable of the boiling frog: If you drop a live frog into boiling water it will jump out. But placing a frog into tepid water and slowly increasing the water temperature, and the frog perceives no danger and is slowly cooked to death.

This is often a fitting metaphor of what happens as we start down the caregiving path. We can’t imagine putting an adult diaper on our husband, but incontinence creeps up and soon we find ourselves searching YouTube videos on how to change adult Depends. Incrementally, the barriers are being broken down, and what we once said, “I draw the line at,” we find ourselves doing. We never dream we’d be cutting up our loved one’s food, let alone feeding them.

The truth is, much like the frog in the fable, these changes don’t all-of-a-sudden happen. Over time, we adapt to many changes and we enter into a series of “new normals.” What once was unthinkable has now become “just how it is.”

At the same time we are adjusting to the new normal, our stress levels slowly increase. We may be eating more often and less healthy food, exercising less in favor of another hour of sitting in front of the tube. We stop dining out because it’s embarrassing or just too difficult. We don’t invite friends to visit and we stop reaching out. Isolation creeps in and we just can’t put a finger on why we’re feeling gloomy.

I wish I had a magic pill I could give to the thousands of family caregivers who are beating themselves up because they feel they need to handle all the care on their own. This pill would do two things: First, it would engage the left-side or logical side of your brain, sending you the clear message that you are doing everything you can, to the best of your abilities. The second thing this pill would do is ignite your inner self-worth and trigger the message that self-care is vitally important. How can you be prepared for the emotional toll and strain of witnessing your loved one fade?

Unfortunately, I can’t offer a magic pill, only my encouragement to be both gentle with yourself and to ask for help. You are the Unexpected Caregiver. Learn all that you can, lean on others, and understand that small changes will creep up on you. Be prepared to have someone close to you point out that the time has come for you to seek professional help. Don’t be the frog who unknowingly drowns because it got used to the heat.

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

33

By Nancy Iglesias

L

ife seemed good for Brenda Elsagher in 1995. She owned a successful hair salon in Bloomington, Minn.

She and her husband Bahgat had active lives with their careers and their family. Raising their 5-year-old son John and 3-year-old daughter Hannah kept their lives full. Brenda was relatively healthy, but she did struggle with hemorrhoids. She chocked it up to an occupational hazard of standing on her feet all day. But when the rectal pain became too great, and at her husband’s urging, she made an appointment to see her doctor. That doctor’s visit turned out to be anything but routine. She knew from the look in the eyes of the medical professionals

Brenda and her husband Bahgat.

who were working with her that her diagnosis of colorectal cancer was serious.

Brenda ended up having a major surgery that removed her rectum and, as she says, “totally rearranged all of her plumbing” and left her with an ostomy. Surgically, an ostomy creates an opening (stoma} from an area inside the body to the outside. It can be temporary or permanent; For Brenda, it has been permanent.

Brenda was able to resume her career at the salon, but having cancer set her on a new path that would eventually give her a new career.

There were, of course, many physical changes going on. But - perhaps more importantly Brenda’s brain was working overtime processing all that had happened to her and where her life would go in the future. She created a bucket list. Two of the items on that list were becoming a comedian and going to college.

Brenda and Bahgat wearing Chinese clothing.

About that same time, she celebrated her 39th birthday at a local comedy club. She told her friends that night that her goal was to someday take the stage as a comedian.

Get Your Rear in Gear® is the signature event of the Colon Cancer Coalition. It is the largest colon cancer-focused event series in the United States.

In addition to raising funds to increase screening rates and awareness for colon cancer, Get Your Rear in Gear is also a call to take care of your body and make healthy choices. Money raised has immediate impact on the local community by being invested back to increase screening for colorectal cancer and raise awareness through public education projects.

34

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

In many ways, that was totally outside of her comfort zone.

But she enrolled in a comedy class and eventually entered a competition and was voted the Twin Cities’ Funniest Person by Acme Comedy Club.

Brenda said the other competitors were all younger, thinner and funnier than her, but she nailed it and walked away with the top prize. Her comedy routine was based on her most recent cancer experiences.

In those days, her Brenda’s grandchildren Evelyn and Zeke. subject matter was RIGHT: Brenda at the Great Wall of China. considered taboo in many ways. Due proach also to the huge success of many public service resonated campaigns, and even high-profile people well with televising their colonoscopies, we are now in the medical a much different place. But at that time, no community one really spoke publicly of hemorrhoids, and soon she colonoscopies and rectal exams. So her found herself comical approach to those issues was ground being invited breaking. But she couldn’t help herself and to speak to talked to everyone about it. It was and is nurses, doctors and other medical professionher passion. In the first two minutes of my als. After hearing one of her presentations, interview with Brenda, she asked me if I had one medical professional (Dr. Douglas Holever had a colonoscopy and when my last one vect, MD) said, “It should be a lesson, maybe was. She talked to her clients at the salon, even a slap in the face to remind us so that we she spoke to her friends and neighbors and never forget -- we don’t treat cancer, we treat attended ostomy support groups where her people!” humor was deeply appreciated.

Over the last 20-plus years her message Brenda describes herself as a loud and of “moving from mope to cope to hope” has proud member of the ostomy community. inspired thousands of listeners and fellow There is no doubt about that. A representafollowers on the journey in both the national tive from one of the primary ostomy “bag” and international arena. She has won numercompanies heard her speak and invited her to ous other awards; Newsmaker of the Year by speak at one of their conferences. the Women’s Press, the Golden Mic Award Her message and unique humorous ap-

from the American Cancer Society and the Advocacy to Action award by the GYRIG (Get Your Rear in Gear) organization (for her work in speaking out publicly about the importance of screening).

Brenda’s expertise and speaking style go beyond just her personal experience. She believes that humor is an effective way to communicate her message. More than that, she believes in the healing properties, the health benefits, and the science of humor.

She is a certified Humor Professional, earning her certification (through a three-year course) through the Association of Applied and CONTINUES ON PAGE 37 u u u

Brenda’s books include: • If the Battle is Over, Why am I Still in Uniform? (her own story); • I’d Like to Buy a Bowel Please! (funny stories from people who have had an ostomy. She set up a table in the hallway at a national conference with a sign that said, “Have a funny story about your ostomy?” then picked the best stories); • Bedpan Banter; It’s in the Bag and Under the Covers (essays); and Your Glasses Are on Top of Your Head (essays).

For more information about Brenda and her work, visit her website: livingandlaughing.com.

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

35

Having important conversations with

I

By Julie Buchwald Haley recently took a day off from work and spent part of it with my parents, an extra day of making memories, if you will. We saw “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood,” the movie about beloved children’s television icon Mr. Rogers. During a poignant scene in which the main character (a journalist assigned to write a short article about Mr. Rogers) learns that his father is dying, my dad reached over to hold my hand.

Through it, we at once thought of our parents, our children, and our mortality. We wept together at both the movie’s story and our own.

In a scene not long after, Mr. Rogers encourages the journalist to talk about his feelings. He says, “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and

36

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”

I have worried about my parents aging for most of my adult life, as I imagine most of us have. I realize now how much I didn’t have to worry when they were in their 50’s, 60’s, and even 70’s. They have been relatively healthy, eating well and exercising, built rewarding and meaningful careers and managed money conservatively, been engaged in their community and volunteered time and energy to several organizations, and worked at loving and supporting one another through more than 65 years together. We have occasionally had uneasy conversations about endof- life wishes and which of their children they have assigned to oversee the primary responsibilities such as financial and medical decisions.

These difficult conversations are an important part of helping loved ones to age successfully. It’s crucial to have these conversations now before a crisis hits because preparedness helps to lessen the burden during crisis. According

to research by the Home Instead Senior Care® (“HISC”) network, 70% of family conversations about aging are triggered by a health crisis or other emergency. HISC research also shows that 54% of adult children surveyed described their “critical conversations with parents as uncomfortable at times, difficult but necessary, emotional with yelling and tears, or difficult and unsuccessful.” Having these conversations regularly make both the conversations and the actions that stem from the conversations more manageable.

Experts suggest the following tips for talking with loved ones about aging.

General guidelines: • Organize your thoughts by writing a list or outline of what should be discussed. It will help you stay on track and remember important points.

• Concentrate on the most important concerns for older adults: safety, freedom, peace of mind,

social connection, and being able to make choices.

• Emphasize that there are no wrong ideas or options. Try to keep an open mind and think about a range of options.

Be respectful, listen, understand • Imagine what it’s like for your loved one. Reassure them that what they feel and want is important to you.

• Don’t just hear them, listen to what they are saying - and maybe not saying – and their body language. They are likely scared, worried about change and frustrated at aging, and may feel like they are losing control.

• It’s natural and expected that we all change as we grow through life and relationships. The relationship you share now is very different from the relationship you had in the past. Be careful not to consider yourself the “parent” or that you know what’s best for them. Try to understand what they want and at what stages they want it.

Practice helps, too • As with most things, we get better with practice. Talk about your ideas with someone who isn’t directly involved who can be constructive and impartial. Reach out to a counselor or therapist, a social worker, senior center, a church leader. Be open to their suggestions.

• Talking with your aging loved ones helps them, too. The numberone thing aging parents want from their kids is to hear from them, according to research by psychotherapist Christina Steinorth, MFT. Having regular conversations helps build relationships and provides the opportunity to regularly gauge how your loved one is doing. Are they having more memory loss?

Do they have trouble caring for themselves? Are they staying active? Are they seeing doctors for specific concerns? Talking about these things regularly can make it easier to have the more difficult conversations.

Build up to the decisionfocused conversations • Try planting seeds in casual conversations and building on those to have conversations that are focused on decision-making.

“I’ve noticed some things take more energy these days. What can we do to make it easier for you to do those things?”

• Use an event in the news to plant seeds, “We haven’t talked about these things. It would give me peace of mind to know what your plan is.”

Susan Lohmann, MSW, LICSW, Advance Care Planning Coordinator at Northfield Hospital + Clinics, recommends adults of all ages complete a clear Health Care Directive.

“It is important for every adult to identify a person, called a Health Care Agent, who is legally authorized to make decisions about medical interventions and goals of health care, if he or she is unable to speak or make decisions,” she said. “A Health Care Directive also allows you to define when you

would or would not want life-extending treatments, and what type of care is important to you, based on your own values and definition of quality of life.”

Completing a Health Care Directive includes having difficult conversations with loved ones.

She suggests similar advice as above for these conversations.

I am reminded of something else that Mr. Rogers said, “All of us have special ones who have loved us into being.” I have learned so Susan Lohmann, MSW, LICSW, Advance Care much from my parents: Planning Coordinator at Northfield Hospital with her granddaughter. to talk and walk and read and write and these lessons close as we continue count. Dad taught me how to use this journey together. And I will a sewing machine, Mom taught practice them when we have these me how to drive a stick shift. Dad conversations. showed me that life is scary, but Julie Buchwald Haley is a freelance writer, new you do it any way. Mom showed grandma, and PTSD survivor who works full-time, me that persistence pays. volunteers part-time, and is a pet parent to three. She Most of all, they taught me love, returned to Minnesota after a 30+ year absence to hope, and compassion. I will hold make new memories with her parents.

CONTINUED FROM page 35

Therapeutic Humor. The AATH teaches evidence-based research on humor and healing.

Brenda says there are four daily keys to healthy living, based on research from Dr. Lee Berk at Loma Linda University and East Coast cardiologist Dr. Michael Miller. Berk’s did research on blood pressure in people who watched traumatic movies versus that in those who watched funny movies.

Both talk about stress and its effects on the body, and who laughter can decrease the harmful effects.

The four keys are:

• Humor exercises - filling your mind and heart with 15 minutes of laughter (watching funny You Tube clips, talking with someone funny, reading something funny) • 15 minutes of prayer or meditation • Eating a piece of dark chocolate • 15 minutes of uplifting music

Brenda has spent the last 25 years pursuing her passions. In addition to being a national and international keynote speaker, she has written four books and traveled abroad. She has hiked the Great Wall of China (with a bad knee), visited Vietnam and gone on two safaris in South Africa. She is an avid bicylist and has done several long-distance bike trips to raise funds for colon cancer research.

She is full of energy and finds her new passion is to bring humor to the aging process. A life-long learner and motivator, she is the kind of person whose adventurous spirit is contagious.

Nancy Iglesias is a freelance writer and storyteller. She is a Midwest girl through and through with roots and stories from Wisconsin, Illinois and Minnesota. During the week, Nancy works for Home Instead Senior Care, finding joy in assisting families as they seek the best options for their loved ones. On the weekends, she works with preschoolers at her church. Whether she’s chatting with someone who is four or fourscore, she loves to hear their stories.

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

37

W e l l ne s s

&

Go Hand Hand

W

in

By Rian Dicke-Michels

hen you were a child, nothing seemed unachievable. If your mother kept cookies on top of the refrigerator, you might have stopped at nothing to get at them. Your motivation for cookies was limitless. At that time you had so much confidence in your own potential that you would do anything to succeed, even if that meant coming

38

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

up with a well-formulated plan on how to make it happen. Now that you’re older, your “cookies” are more likely to be financial stability, physical/mental health, and eliminating bad habits. You can’t simply find these on top of your fridge at home, sadly, yet the question remains. How motivated are you to reach those goals and what are you willing to do to achieve them?

We are all motivated differently. There are those who are self-motivated, who can set a goal they feel to be obtainable, no matter how realistic anyone else believes it to be, and will develop a series of steps towards achieving it. Some are competitive and are motivated by others’ successes, simply driven to run with the best until they become the best. A third category of people needs

to be motivated by someone else reminding them of what they are capable of, by being believed in until they believe in themselves. Whether you fall into one of these categories or somewhere in between, your level of motivation means having goals that matter to you.

A concept I most recently came across online is that of “Future Self Journaling.” Essentially, you sit down for just 10-20 minutes a day and begin writing about your future self.

What does she do? What are her habits?

How does she go about her day? It’s similar to when I broke down and wrote my list on the “Healthy Habits of a Happy Me.” Take a few moments of your day to focus on the Self you strive to be. If, for example, your goals have to do with losing weight, rather than talking about what you currently don’t like about yourself, you might shift the emphasis to: your relationship with food, when and what you eat, and then integrate small amounts of exercise until it becomes a habit.

My partner is the poster child for this topic. In the past, he often told himself and those around him how unhappy he was with his weight. He snacked all day, ate the baked goods at work, drank beer, smoked, and engaged in negative self-talk. He finally had enough and sought to change. He began with replacing those two beers with glasses of water, and two weeks later felt lighter. So he squeezed in a 20-minute workout video every couple of days.

He quit smoking to make the workouts easier, which gave him more free time, and he felt the capacity for more physical activity.

When that increased his energy, he tried intermittent fasting and made healthier choices simply because it sounded good. Suddenly, that 15-pound weight loss goal he had set ended up being a total of 30 pounds lost after a few short months. His weight loss goal required a full-blown lifestyle change. Instead of focusing on it all at once, which would make him miserable, he devised a calculated step by step plan that wouldn’t be too overwhelming.

When it comes to motivation, you can have all the right ideas and tools to be successful, but your arch nemesis is actually you.

Motivation and goal setting go hand in hand. Human beings are creatures of habit and we love to be comfortable, but it’s those

creature comforts that often bring about our demise. Having dreams and goals for your future are great, but the journey to getting there is riddled with discomforts. Recognizing how you are best motivated is an important aspect of becoming exactly the person you want to become. Once you’ve decided what needs to be changed, you should then choose how you will navigate the days that make you want to quit. Journaling and habit tracking are helpful in the motivation process, so that you can see just how far you’ve come. Having a friend or partner or mentor might keep you accountable. Be positive in your mindset and shake off the moments when you aren’t your best self. You’re going to have relapses, but do you know what they say about falling down? You get back up.

A friend recently posted something that stuck with me, “You are never going to be more motivated than you are today. Setting a start goal for next Monday, next month, or the beginning of the New Year only delays your dreams and increases the likelihood that you’ll choose not to start at all. So, start today while it’s fresh, while you’re still ready to go.”

Rian Dicke-Michels is a highly independent Minnesota State University Mankato graduate and the proud mother of a daughter and an infant son. Although a 10-year yoga practitioner, she earned her 200RYT in 2015 from The Green Lotus Yoga and Healing center, and is continuing her education toward 500 hours. “My life is a continuous journey toward healing and self-love,” she says, “I’m honored to share it with you.”

We pride ourselves on having the best value in the midwest, We with a quality that is guaranteed to shine through.

Serving all of Southern Minnesota endreswc.com • 507-WE-CLEAN • 507-932-5326 WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

39

Book Review “The Conscious Closet: The Revolutionary Guide to Looking Good While Doing Good”

by Elizabeth L. Cline c.2019, Plume $17.00 / $23.00 Canada 349 pages

from wearing out.

We’ve all experienced it: the shirt that feels like a straitjacket, the pants that make you pant just putting them on; alas, your closet’s full of them. “The Conscious Closet” helps you put those unwanted items out of your house and out of your mind.

Review by Terri Schlichenmeyer, The Bookworm

The Conscious Closet:

The Revolutionary Guide to Looking Good While Doing Good

40

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

Y

our clothes are all laid out for tomorrow.

You’ll get up in the morning, jump out of the shower, into your outfit, and out the door because it’s a big day. You’ll look sharp, competent, and responsible, and you’ll feel that way, too. And in “The Conscious Closet” by Elizabeth L. Cline, you’ll learn how to buy clothes that make it happen.

Everybody needs things to wear.

Chances are, in fact, that you’ve got clothes on right now, which makes you an end-user of a global industry that accounts for three percent of the Earth’s economy and provides jobs for “hundreds of millions of people around the world…”

Without thinking about it specifically, you’ve contributed to a $2.5 trillion dollar worldwide business.

And for that, your closet is packed.

The old saying that we must dress for success is hard to do when you’re overwhelmed by wardrobe, so the first thing, says Cline, is to empty your closet and get rid of that which doesn’t fit, doesn’t fit in, and that never really was your style anyhow. In the U.S. each year, nearly 24 billion pounds of wearables are thrown away, she says, so don’t add to it; instead, donate and take a tax deduction but know this: 80% of your donation will go to “rag traders,” and most of their castoffs are shipped overseas “in a global trade worth almost 4 billion dollars annually.”

If this seems wasteful, you’re right. So instead, says Cline, give your unwanted fashion a new life by selling or swapping it. Do good by knowing where your clothing was made and if it was made sustainably. Learn how to thrift-shop; invest in quality clothing that will last years, and that you’ll feel good wearing; and finally, learn the art of repair to keep the things you wear

Author Elizabeth L. Cline.

But first, you’ll have to get past a lot of howto: author Elizabeth L. Cline does double-duty in this book, first with a closet-clearing, donatingor-renewing, buying-classic-pieces tutorial.

That’s information you’ll find in any kind of “dress for success” book, so it’s largely redundant for established business folks.

The second half of this book is where the goodness lies: Cline explains the impact you make by shopping wisely in today’s world, and why fast-fashion and fads are bad for you, your wallet, and the global economy. Reading it’s like unbuttoning your waistband after Thanksgiving dinner: it’s surprisingly easy, it makes plain sense, and you know you’ll be happier once you do it.

The best place for this book, perhaps, is in the hands of a college grad who’s just now building a wardrobe, or for anyone who’s looking to dress upward. If that’s you, then “The Conscious Closet” has what you need, all laid out.

The Bookworm is Terri Schlichenmeyer. Terri has been reading since she was 3 years old and she never goes anywhere without a book. She lives on a hill in Wisconsin with a mysterious man, two dogs, and 14,000 books. For more information, visit bookwormsez@gmail.com.

Book Review “Scam Me If You Can”

by Frank W. Abagnale c.2019, Portfolio/ Penguin $19.00 / $25.00 Canada 337 pages

Review by Terri Schlichenmeyer, The Bookworm

Scam Me If You Can:

Simple Strategies to Outsmart Today’s Rip-off Artists

Y

our friend “Rachel” called today.

Seven times, she did, and you answered two of them before you realized that you were being robocalled again.

You’re usually pretty savvy about not being fooled but lately, it seems like the more you know, the better scammers get at deception. So read the new book “Scam Me If You Can” by Frank W. Abagnale, and protect yourself.

You’ve heard the horror stories: people scammed out of their life savings, businesses targeted by ransomware, computers hijacked with malware, and you wonder if you’re doing enough to avoid becoming a victim of technology thieves.

The answer to that is “no.” Says Abagnale, who was a scammer himself for part of his young life, boiler-room thieves are constantly looking for ways to get around technology blocks, firewalls, and the like. They know exactly how to find your personal information online (it’s very easy), and they buy what’s not a few clicks away. Chances are, you’re already an open book on some database.

So what can you do?

First of all, recognize that safety is fleeting: scammers know how to suss out information better than you know how to hide it. Also remember that if you’re scammed, you’re not alone: in 2017, more than 16 million Americans were victims of fraud.

Never let your guard down when talking to strangers. In public, watch your belongings at all times. Don’t fall “under the ether” by becoming complacent and if you feel pressured, walk away or hang up. Question fees, especially anything you’re asked to pay up-front. Never, ever give personal information to someone who calls you with a “deal.”

Those things may be commonsensical.

Abagnale goes on…

Lighten your wallet by carrying only what you need today. Invest in the right kind of shredder and shred everything. Know how to hire a trustworthy banker, accountant, IT person, and other service workers. Learn what you can do to protect your small business from hacking and ransomware. And as for passwords, well, Abagnale awaits the day we can truly forget them, since better security methods are available…

Author Frank W. Abagnale.

Until that day arrives, look for “Scam Me If You Can” but don’t answer an unrecognized phone call or press “2” to be taken off a list. Doing either is a mistake, as you’ll learn inside this informative, important book.

Yes, it’s time to stop hiding beneath your desk from scams. Not to scare you – though the information does read like a high-tech horror novel – but author Frank Abagnale wants his readers to know how thieves think and work and how to build a virtual wall around personal and business data. He writes truthfully, in plain talk, and if you’re not thrown into action by his useful advice, the cautionary tales he tells will do it.

“Scam Me If You Can” is the kind of book of which to buy multiple copies: one for you, one for your parents, the office, and for anybody who holds your information. Read it, share it, protect yourself, or get scammed. It’s your call.

The Bookworm is Terri Schlichenmeyer. Terri has been reading since she was 3 years old and she never goes anywhere without a book. She lives on a hill in Wisconsin with a mysterious man, two dogs, and 14,000 books. For more information, visit bookwormsez@gmail.com.

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

41

Directory Financial Resources Castle Rock Bank

The Castle Rock Bank has been serving the women in this community for 96 years. To answer the question, “What do women want in banking?” We believe the answer is, “To be heard, understood, respected and valued.” 27925 Danville Ave Castle Rock, 507-645-7751 www.castlerockbank.net.

EVENT RENTAL SPACE PILLSBURY COLLEGE PREP

Hold your next event at the historical campus of Camp Pillsbury. Large auditorium, dining hall, conference rooms, ample meeting space and dormitory sleeping quarters that hold up to 750 overnight guests. Perfect for corporate events, weddings, concerts, leadership retreats, youth development retreats and more. 507-214-2200.

Northfield Retirement Community

Situated on a 30-acre, beautifully landscaped campus, NRC was established in 1969 to provide housing and services specifically designed to meet the physical, social, psychological and spiritual needs of older adults. Housing options include apartments with a minimal level of services, as well as other home settings that make increasing levels of service readily available. Options include rental and owner-occupied living spaces. Units are available for both income-sensitive and market-rate income levels. NRC also provides a fully-staffed care center for those who desire a more traditional nursing home setting. 900 Cannon Valley Drive, Northfield, 507-645-9511, northfieldretirement.org.

Home & Garden Judy’s Floral Design

Health & Wellness Millstream Commons Assisted Living

Millstream Commons Assisted Living is located in downtown Northfield. 44 Assisted Living apartments (studio, 1 and 2 BR) featuring three meals a day, supportive nursing care, respite care, & life enrichment activities. Pets allowed. Licensed Housing with Services provider. Part of the Three Links Community. Member of Aging Services of Minnesota. 210 8th St W, Northfield, 507-650-9627, threelinks.org.

Whether your wedding is black tie/ ballroom or barefoot on the beach or somewhere in between! Beautiful, quality flowers and great ideas start with Judy Smith. “Specializing in fresh creative and affordable blooms for all the flower moments of your life” 507-645-0008, 1951 Division St. S., Northfield, judysfloraldesign.com.

Simon Bros Cement Co.

Simon Bros Cement Co. has been serving the Northfield area since 1969. We specialize in quality concrete and masonry including foundations, driveways, epoxy garage floors.

Call for a free estimate. We will look at your project and use 40+ years of experience to share ideas and advice. Call Ray 612-328-4591.

Don’t miss our next issue, out in mid-MARCH.

MEDIA APG Southern Minnesota Print | Digital | Events

Our content reaches a larger audience than ever before. From newspaper, web design, digital advertising, special products and services we are here to help you reach your maximum audience. Contact Regional Director of Adverting Mark Nelson at mnelson@faribault.com or 507-333-3109 to set up your meeting to see what best fits your needs.

SUMMER CAMP CAMP PILLSBURY

Camp Pillsbury is a unique day and sleepaway summer camp, offering over 100 activities! Flying trapeze, circus arts, musical theater, sports, magic, horseback, gymnastics, dance, technology, musical instruments and waterski– all in the same day. So many activities to choose from!

Camppillsbury.com 507-214-2200.

Transportation Northfield Lines, Inc.

Have your group arrive in style when you pull up in one of our luxurious motor or mini coaches. Single or multi-day sightseeing trips, shopping, girlfriend getaways, dining, concerts, weddings, receptions, casino visits – you name the event and we will get your group there safely and on time.

32611 Northfield Blvd, Northfield, 800-944-2190, www.northfieldlines.com.

Southern Minn

STE(A)M careers for women: • Science • Technology • Engineering • Arts • Math

- Unexpected Caregiver - Wellness - Man’s Perspective - Book review

Updates for spring: • Home • Garden • Style

42

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

Girlfriends

MAR/APR ISSUE DEADLINE IS FEBRUARY 14TH Have an idea or suggestion?

Contact Beth Forkner Moe at bfmoe@southernminn.com

While not under the TO RCH umbrella, anothe r collaborative - the North field Community Colleg e Collaborative (NCCC), supported by the North field Healthy Community Init iative (HCI) - extends the significant work of TORCH by providing supportive services to college students. Due to the expense, academic and personal issues, ma ny graduates from Northfiel d High School have fou nd insurmountable challen ges attending college out of town. A strategic par tnership was formed wit h Riverland College and services were put in pla ce to ensure that students had the support they nee d in school and doing life . Staff members are abl e to assist with financial aid , academic advising, futu re planning, tutoring, res ume building, internship research, financial resear ch and much more. The program allows people to earn a 2-year Associ ates in Arts degree or comple te their general educat ion requirements entirely in Northfield. These services are open to any one with a high school diploma or GED. Katie Theis serves as the Alu mni Services Director. She can be reached at alumn i@ northfieldhci.org or at 507-301-6021.

CONTINUED FROM page 23

during her middle school years. She was struggling as a freshman when her family had to move out of Northfield. This student did not want to leave the support she had received from TORCH. Fortunately, the TORCH staff were able to work out transportation for her to continue on at Northfield and - through open enrollment – some of the student’s other friends were able to start attending school at Northfield and become involved with the TORCH program. Two years later that young woman is taking PSEO classes and moving toward her goal of attending college.

That is just one of hundreds of small and large success stories. Founder Beth Berry said it is hard for her to walk down the street or do any kind of business without running into a TORCH grad. A recent highlight included attending a pinning ceremony for a TORCH graduate who was getting her Master’s Degree in nursing.

While officially retired from TORCH, Beth continues to serve on the Advisory Board, the Scholarship and Loan Committees for TORCH. Nancy Iglesias is a freelance writer and storyteller. She is a Midwest girl through and through with roots and stories from Wisconsin, Illinois and Minnesota. During the week, Nancy works for Home Instead Senior Care, finding joy in assisting families as they seek the best options for their loved ones. On the weekends, she works with preschoolers at her church. Whether she’s chatting with someone who is four or fourscore, she loves to hear their stories.

ip and loan fund for its TORCH has a scholarsh who need a little help i mn alu participants and meeting their goals. For getting ahead to keep the post-secondary at t den example, one stu nding book bill from one level had a $200 outsta student from enrolling the t semester that kep fund gave the student the next semester. The they were able to enroll and , the amount needed er forward direction. Anoth and keep moving in a bill of $600, air rep car d cte xpe student had an une s to pay for school. He wa which was sorely needed by ped hel d. Those who are able to access this fun n if it’s pay back the loan, eve to ed ask are d the fun e. onc small amounts at

Plemel Insurance Agency 920 Hoffman Drive Ste 1 Owatonna, MN 507-451-4619 417 Highway Ave S Blooming Prairie 507-583-7747

www.plemelagency.com

It’s The Cows.

Remember KEMPS when looking for employment!

Apply online at www.dfamilk.com/careers

WINTER 2020

southernminngirlfriends.com

43

THE

LUXURYINCLUDED VACATION

®

As the world’s only Luxury Included® Resorts for two people in love, Sandals thoughtfully includes every conceivable luxury and adventure.

Sun-kissed beaches, gourmet dining, and every imaginable sport, from scuba to golf.◆

JAMAICA • ANTIGUA • SAINT LUCIA • BAHAMAS

111 N Cedar, Owatonna

507-455-1170 galaxy-travel.com

® ◆ Amenities vary by resort and conditions may apply.

Unique Vacations, Inc., is the worldwide representative for Sandals Resorts.

His headaches are almost completely gone.

“Nobody else understood how the nose could be related to migraines.

We were relieved to feel listened to.”

Michelle Sutcliffe, Medford

Expert ENT care right here.

Gerard O’Halloran, MD

Make an appointment today.

Northfield | Faribault 952-469-0500