WAVES

Holly Lazo

Life has been coming in unexpected waves of pain, loss, depression, and death. But sometimes, the light breaks the waves, and I am glistening as bright as the sun. The sky is painted with a kaleidoscope of purples, oranges, and pinks. But what if I told you I was swimming with a broken arm and wrist, just trying to escape the abys. I have been swimming to the island of dreams and hopes for years. The water is rocky, cold, and filled with sharks. I am attacked from each side. But I swim forward with tenacity and perseverance.

These past days the depression has eaten me from the inside out. These pills are supposed to help, but I struggle to take them most days. I become numb, like I am not here in this body. I float through the days. Most days, I am just feeling lost. It’s hard to want to work when you can’t help anyone. These sad stories and programs barely have funding to meet the demands or needs. I almost lost my job, but I just smiled. I have been telling myself to stay strong as life flows. But I am not sure if I can carry the weight of the world. It is crushing my should, hopes, and dreams.

February 11 was my mom’s birthday, and it is still hard to breathe after five years. I can’t sleep tonight, and I am collecting my thoughts like I am an astronaut catching shooting stars. Mom, tonight I will sit by and talk to the moon, looking for you. Can you hear me? I just want to get to you. My grades are excellent, but I can barely remember to function and eat food. Breathe in and out, don’t forget to work out. Due dates are spinning, and bills are chasing me. I am screaming in this adulthood. Is this the state of the world? Is this the meaning of life? Why is it so cruel and cold? My water bill is $217.00, and I must pay to fix the pipes. I want to pull the trigger and kill myself tonight. Fuck mom, now I understand why you crawled in bed for years and never came out. I want to run away from this. Please let me die tonight in my sleep. Please mom tell me why you never loved me enough to stay. Why did you leave us? Why does everyone leave me? Why am I never enough? I wish someone would love me. I wish I had a home. But I am jacked up on drugs. I am washed out. DCF tossed me aside like I was trash after seven years. No one has called me in years. I am worthless. I have too tired to keep treading deep waters of pain, anger, and loss. So, I look up to the starry night sky and let the water take me.