Conversations@Faith: Mental Health

By Khoo Tse Horng

The Discipleship and Nurture Committee (D&N) conducted its second session of the Conversations@Faith* (C@F) series on 29 August 2020.

The focus for the second session was on Mental Health and featured an impressive line-up of speakers who covered a wide range of related topics. Pastor Chua Seng Lee, Deputy Senior Pastor of Bethesda BedokTampines Church, was the plenary speaker. The workshop speakers included Associate

Tse Horng (TH): Tammy, what were the reasons for having Mental Health as the focus of the second Conversations@Faith series?

Tammy Ang (TA): According to statistics, the suicide rate among our youths and elderly is a great concern. There were 400 reported suicide cases in 2019, of which 71 were in their twenties [1]. Based on a study by the Institute of Mental Health (IMH), one in seven Professor Leslie Lim who spoke on Mood Disorders, Dr Ken Ung on Creating a Safe Environment, Ms Audrey Yeo on Suicide, Mr Chong Ee Jay on Addiction, and our resident counsellor, Ms Chong Mingli who conducted the Youth workshop.

Below is a conversation between Khoo Tse Horng, Chairman of D&N at Faith and Tammy Ang, Pastoral Team Member (D&N) on the urgency for the topic of mental health for our church.

people experienced some form of mental disorders (mood, anxiety, addiction, etc) [2] . One in 11 youths is affected by depression.

On top of the common addiction to substances and pornography, there is a rise in cases of cyber addiction. Looking at these statistics, we are aware that there are fellow brothers and sisters at Faith who also struggle with mental health issues. We are called to

[1] https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/singapore/suicide-sos-samaritans-singapore-youths-aged-20s-12985146 [2] https://www.imh.com.sg/uploadedFiles/Newsroom/News_Releases/SMHS%202016_Media%20Release_FINAL_web%20upload.pdf

love one another just as our Lord has loved us (John 13:34) and the church should be a safe space for them to talk about it without stigma. It is therefore imperative that we help to create a safe environment within the church for our members to open up and feel loved and accepted. This allows them to receive healing.

TH: The statistics are indeed a concern. Behind these numbers are individuals suffering, and sadly, many times they remain alone and misunderstood. Furthermore, these individuals have families and loved ones who need the necessary support in knowing how to provide care. So, for our church to be an environment that is safe for everyone, it has to start with us. We need to be a safe space for those who are struggling, and for those who need to feel safe when they are vulnerable.

What was one thing at this C@F session on Mental Health that resonated with you?

TA: Pastor Seng Lee emphasised that “our mental illness doesn’t define us; God defines us”. It was extremely liberating and comforting to be reminded that not even our mental state should define who we are. Our identities rest in God alone!

The other point that was comforting was the emphasis on those who were journeying with persons struggling with mental illness, that they not to be sinfocused, or think of it as a spiritual/moral failure. Instead, it should be person-focused, helping the person to see God’s grace and hope. This is more than just telling them that you would pray for them or simply quote Bible verses. Being person-focused means investing lots of time for them to be assured of our care, our presence and our attention. Knowing they are being prayed for and receiving Bible verses are encouraging but only when it is being shared in the context of a caring and authentic relationship.

TH: Indeed, while we all have good intentions, we need to be sensitive in how we journey with someone who is hurting. One disturbing point I learnt was that even pastors don’t feel safe sharing their mental health struggles. It indicates that the church is really not a very safe environment to be vulnerable for church leaders.

In one study by a Christian group, only 65% of church leaders surveyed felt that the church was a safe place to talk about mental health issues. Even more concerning is that only 28% of church staff felt equipped to help someone with mental health issues.

Tammy, I understand you had experienced depression before. Would you like to share with us your experience?

TA: Unknown to many, I had depression since I was young. I have not known life without depression until the last few years. I hide it very well, as many who struggle with mental health issues often do. Most would not suspect I was depressive unless they were closer to me since I generally function well at work. “Difficult” is an understatement to describe that period of my life. It was not easy to open up about my depression in church. I have been on the receiving end of clichéd responses such as “I will pray for you,” “you need to trust God more,” or “don’t let the devil take away your joy.” They were well-meaning, but these responses actually shut me up.

Being a church staff made it tougher as there was apprehension and anxiety over my colleagues, leaders and pastors’ response, not to mention how the members would think. Should someone with mental health issues work in the church? I was and still am every bit as competent as anyone of them and would not want them to give me concession on their expectations on my work. I did not want to be made to feel like a liability because they thought I was “siao” (insane) or that I was using it as an excuse. I have felt very misunderstood and decided to hide it even more. Suppressing it definitely did not help the condition.

TH: Thanks for opening up and being vulnerable, Tammy. I must confess that being a co-labourer with you

in D&N for so many years, I did not have any clue that you had depression or even asked enough about your state of mental wellbeing. It is so important that we take time to do that for one another, since, as a church, we are called to love one another. I truly believe that loving one another requires not just goodwill but knowledge, skill, and time.

Could you share with us how we can better love and care for those among us with mental health issues? What would be useful for members in the Small Groups to take note of?

TA: The culture of capitalistic productivity has influenced the church so greatly that we compromise on human relationships, even in church sometimes. When someone gets physically wounded, we would not tell the person to ignore the pain and not think about it., would we? So why would we tell someone who is struggling with emotional pain to ignore the pain and expect that they would feel better by just not thinking about it?

Here are some suggestions (from personal and others’ experiences) that would be helpful:

• Listen with your heart.

When someone shares deeply and openly, it means that the person is trying to trust you.

Listening with your heart means listening in order to understand their emotions, worries, and beliefs. • Accept them as they are, connect with the person, and feel the pain with the person. When the person feels you are there, it really helps the person to carry the “load”. By feeling their pain, trust is built and when the time is right, the person would be more receptive to seeking help.

• Phrases such as “I understand” are not helpful because one will not be able to fully understand what the other person is going through; and that is ok.

So try to avoid using this phrase.

• Do not be in a hurry to offer solutions, quote

Bible verses, or try to fix the person. You may not be able to do anything practical for the person in that moment.

• Never put ourselves on a pedestal – as if we know everything.

• Do not trivialise their experiences by saying statements like “never mind, everyone goes through it,” “it will be okay,” “just pray la” or “all families are dysfunctional.” While it may be helpful to normalise the situation, such statements mostly trivialise the experiences of the one suffering from depression.

It is perfectly fine to let the person know you have no words to offer, or to listen in silence. We have to resist offering answers, comments, or our thoughts. All we should attempt to do is to empathize with the person, and acknowledge the agonising pain that they are experiencing.

What would be very helpful is to offer an open channel and just be with them. Educate yourself. Learn all you can about the person’s condition. Sign up for a course. Learn basic listening skills.

TH: These are indeed very useful tips and reminders. I do believe the sense of purpose or mission is important for a person. Our purpose energises us. In your opinion, can a person with mental health issues still serve God?

TA: Definitely! I believe all of us can serve unless the person’s condition is debilitating or unstable. Otherwise, allowing the person (if the person is willing and able) to serve, can facilitate the healing process. But each person will differ in the capacity or the roles they serve in. The church should recognise that these persons with mental health issues, are serving even in their brokenness. Yet despite their challenging state, they can still offer their gifts and strengths to bless the church and others.

There is a need for honest conversations and patience to journey with the person who is struggling and who has already expressed an

interest to serve. It may help to ask the person if the work or ministry is within their capacity to manage. Ministry leaders should not decide for that person unilaterally. Honesty and authenticity builds trust. Open conversations on how we could support each other while serving together will help each person grow and gain confidence. We need to be sensitive when serving alongside persons with mental health issues. Look out for signs and understand when they need time out.

TH: That is very assuring. I remember reading the late Henri Nouwen, who had been through depression, who wrote, “The main question is not how can we hide our wounds… but how can we put our woundedness in service to others”. Could you give a shoutout to those who are struggling with mental health issues? TA: To my fellow brothers and sisters, there is hope in the condition and in the struggle you face. Even when healing is not complete or does not come quickly, the Lord will find ways to bring comfort and healing to us. Take the first step to talk to someone you trust, and seek help; there is no shame in that!

More importantly, do not journey alone. Ask God to lead you to the right person if the first person you reached out to is not receptive. This may be the thorn that we need to live with but God’s presence is with us, and our Hope is in the God who cares for us. Recognise that the journey for each one of us is different, but don’t give up as we make sense of our situation.

TH: Thanks, Tammy. That is encouraging. How about a shoutout to those who are journeying with their loved ones and friends? TA: Yes, certainly. To those who are helping a loved one, it is a tough journey. Do not give up, even if it may feel like three steps forward and two steps back at times. You are important to them. But please protect and take care of yourself by not doing this alone as well. It is important to be aware of your own state of wellbeing. Seek support in your journey.

TH: Thank you, Tammy!

To the rest of our Faith family, D&N will continue to provide conversations and equipping opportunities to help us be faithful disciples of Christ, in loving and caring for each other. With a strong culture of care and trust, we will be more able to help one another grow in Christ. You are welcome to write to me (tsehorng@gmail.com) with ideas!

Tse Horng has been blessed by the ministry of Faith’s people and his Small Group, Barnabas, since 1982. He attends the 11.15am service with his wife, Bee Leng, and his children are in the church’s children and youth ministries. He is a Principal of a mission school and serves as the Chairman of Nurture and Discipleship at Faith. He hopes to receive comments at tsehorng@gmail.com.