2 minute read
Shrink Rap: Ask Dr. S.
Should I tell my friends if this happens again?
Dr. S. is a clinical-psychologist, former Harvard Medical School academic, serious Buddhist meditator, and Body Electric instructor.
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Every year me and a group of friends do a quarter share together. One of the friends in the group can’t keep a man, so each summer he has a different boyfriend sharing his bed. Plot twist, his flavor of the season seems to have lasted another year and will be returning this summer. What my friend doesn’t know is that his man made several passes at me last summer on Grindr. Yes they’re open, but I think going after your bf’s friend & sharemate crosses the line. When my friend would go to the Pantry or the beach the bf would message me like, “Meet me on the rooftop for a quickie.” Or, “I’m in the outdoor shower, come join.” I responded by asking him if his bf knew that he was making passes at me, and he would send a wink emoji or not respond at all. I left it alone because I figured he’d be gone next year like those before him. As summer approaches, I’m wondering if I should tell my friend if this happens again. Help! --SWITZERLAND
Dear Switzerland: Before addressing what (if anything) to say, let’s step back for a moment. Wow -- things would be so much easier if we all led white-picket fence, 1950s TV-show, “I Love Lucy” monogamous lives. That way, this guy’s tacky behavior would be a clear-cut no-no. All the moral ambiguity would be drained from the world we instead inhabit, which allows for great sexual freedom but tends to fall down on the rules governing how we do this. I agree that this guy’s behavior “crossed a line” -- hitting on your bf’s buddies is (almost) always in poor taste. But who gets to decide just where that line gets crossed? As far I know, Grindr has no swipe option for “moral code.” Scruff lacks a pulldown menu of “sensitive boundary violations.” It’s up to each of us (and each couple) to figure out how to negotiate play, especially since queer worlds get small pretty quickly. So -- are you sure your friend would also think his bf crossed a line? Do you know if the two of them ever have tough but important discussions about how they define being “open”? What if you and your friend were just acquaintances, or if your friend were also regularly hooking up -- would that change things? Like I say, Lucy and Desi had it easy -- oh, but wait. They got divorced (and her follow-up solo show sucked).
So what to do about it? Your choices are to say nothing to either of them, or something to both, or something to just one, or encourage them to talk with each other. If you were in your friend’s position, what would you want -- would you want you to say something? The trickiest path, but the deepest, would be to find a way to initiate a conversation between the two of them. Short of that, I’d try to handle it without casting anyone as the bad guy, since chances are at some point or other we’ve all played each of these roles: an ostrich guy assuming all’s well, a friend caught in a moral dilemma, and the pervy sex-addict whose dick once again overrides his basic ethical decency. Oh, the humanity...
