Shrink Rap: Ask Dr. S

Dear Dr. S:

My boyfriend speaks with his therapist once a week on Zoom. Because we live together and still work from home, I can’t help but overhear his sessions. Not word for word, but enough to hear him laughing and getting animated discussing movies and Netflix shows. Yet I know he is depressed because he talks about it with me a lot. I have never heard him even mention this to his therapist. Should I say something to him? I’ve never been in therapy, and I don’t know if this is normal.

— Reluctant Eavesdropper

Dear Reluctant Eavesdropper:

Ah, therapy: As strange and perplexing a relationship, it can be invaluable. The right therapist can mend wounds, dust you off, and get you back on your way. A good therapist can be a wise guide, supportive coach, trustworthy confessor, and the loving rock/mentor/fantasy-parent-partner you’ve always wished for.

But at the risk of professional heresy, I wonder if the way many people use therapy -- meeting weekly month after month, year after year, sometimes decade after decade -- is really in their best interest.

I don’t mean at all to suggest that therapy has no value. Most people will benefit from a brief stint, say one to three years, or short spurts throughout life, as needed. Therapy can be especially valuable for queer folk, growing up as we do in a hetero-normative world and, most often, hetero families (well, growing up in any family is a good enough reason for a stint in therapy). If you’re dealing with a history of abuse or ongoing chronic stress, therapy can make the difference between surviving or thriving, or even surviving and not.

But long-term psychotherapy can devolve into a habit. It’s so seductive! Who wouldn’t want a smart, caring ear to appreciate and value you week after week? (A paid ear, I might add. More on that in a minute). Many folks turn their therapist into a special, less-fucked-up-than-I-am friend (at least seemingly less-fucked-up -- it can be hard to know given the lopsided design of the relationship). Over time, spilling one’s weekly guts to this kind, captive listener becomes core to how we soothe and regulate ourselves. It makes us less lonely. That’s great -- but it may also make us less willing to risk the rough and tumble of life, which, despite its multiple challenges, is a much better teacher. In the long run, it may keep us unwittingly mired in our problems. Therapy can make you feel held and safe. Life can make you a wiser adult.

So, a paid ear. Awkward as this might be, therapists often have an incentive to keep you in therapy longer than might be necessary. We got bills to remodel Kitchens and mortgages to meet. I fully believe therapists are good-hearted and earnest, but it can get tricky when there are financial motivations involved.

Without more information, it’s hard to know what’s up in your boyfriend’s case. Has he been with his therapist a long time? It’s worth mentioning that goodnatured banter can sometimes be more healing than angst-based processing. On the other hand, maybe he’s flat-out avoiding a serious issue, which sounds like your concern. Either way, I see no reason not to broach the topic with him, provided you haven’t already reached a foregone conclusion yourself. If he feels put on the defensive, it won’t be helpful. Suppose your stance is one of genuine curiosity and concern. In that case, there’s a chance you can help him figure out for himself if the therapy is helpful or not, if it’s time to end it, or time instead to cut the superficialities and actually make use of what could be a great opportunity for healing.

[Steve Schwartzberg, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist. Got a question for Dr. S? Email steveschwartzberg1@gmail.com]