July/August: A Bright Future Is Ahead. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

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FA Stories of Recovery from Food Addiction

A Bright Future is Ahead

July/August 2024 $2.50

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July/August 2024

Qualification: Quieting the Obsession. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 First 90 Days: My True Self. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 Notable & Quotable: New Column. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 No Matter What: Worrying is Not a Solution. . . . . . . . . . . . . .23 Lighten Up: Knocked Into Sense. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25

Features Splendid Support. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 Diving In. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8 Time Management. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 The White Flag. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12 Mind, Body, and Spirit. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14 Recipe for Life. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 No More Shame. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Learning to Be Teachable. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21

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Credits Front and Back Cover Art: Nancy W., TX Graphic Design: Tickled Plum

Share your story & artwork If you have 90 days of continuous abstinence in FA, Connection invites you to share your experience, strength, and hope with us. E-mail submissions to articles@foodaddicts.org or art@foodaddicts.org

Glossary of Terms FA: Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous AA: Alcoholics Anonymous AWOL: A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps Big Book: Alcoholics Anonymous 1 Stone = 14 pounds 1 Kilo = approx. 2.2 pounds Copyright © 2024 Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous 400 W. Cummings Park, Suite 1700 Woburn, MA 01801-6572

Qualification

Quieting the Obsession

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y relationship with my body tion and obsession. has been tumultuous and These feelings of inadequacy and unpainful for many years. I worthiness played as the background struggled with feeling like there was music to my life. Despite being a relatively something wrong with me and that I was high-functioning person, I tortured mynever good enough. I was only 10 years self with relentless perfectionism and a old when my parents allowed me to join a never-ending cycle of guilt and shame popular weight-loss program. I willingly about my food and weight. In my quest to attended those be thin and normal, I meetings out of There was this constant record created so much sufsheer desperation fering that a disconto lose my “baby playing in my head: a litany of nect between my fat.” I was obsessed mind, body, and soul with the size of my harsh criticism, judgment, fear, grew, a disconnect belly and comthat permeated every pared my thighs to loathing, insecurity, absolute aspect of my life, inthose of my thin cluding my relationanguish, and despair. friends. I disliked ships, my job, that my ears stuck everyday actions, and out and that I had freckles. I didn’t like the my movement through the world. I had space between my teeth. I wanted perfect, managed to endure the suffering year white, movie-star teeth. I hated my after year until I was hopeless to find a sochubby little fingers and wanted to see the lution to my self-imposed misery. outline of the bones in each of my hands.

I was pre-diabetic and asthmatic. I sufMy friends and I would see whose wrists fered from sleep apnea and snoring, which were smaller, and I was so envious and jeal- had become detrimental to my marriage. ous of my friends' tiny little wrists! That I had chronic joint pain. As a result of the was the madness and insanity of my addic- physical pain and chronic medical condiConnection

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tions, I would turn to food for everything.

Every time my kids were stressing me out or my husband traveled for work, every time I felt overwhelmed and sorry for myself, I would turn to sugar and flour to get me through and reward myself for coping with life. I felt that I deserved the flour and sugar, that I needed these substances to get through life. Parenting young kids was taxing and difficult and, in my mind, I deserved a treat for getting through the day.

An embarrassing amount of my mental space and energy was spent worrying about the size and shape of my body, my weight, and my food choices. I focused on what I ate, what I was going to eat, or if I had eaten too much. There was this constant record playing in my head: a litany of harsh criticism, judgment, fear, loathing, insecurity, absolute anguish, and despair.

The desperation about my weight and not feeling in control of what I put into my body filled me with dread about the future, and I felt scared and hopeless, imagining myself fat and depressed and unable to do the outdoor activities my husband and I had always loved doing together.

Before I knew that the origin of my pain and despair was from food addiction, I tried all sorts of things to get relief and figure out what was wrong with me. I read books and studied about health and jus2

tice for fat people. I saw a therapist, nutritionist, health coach, tried intuitive eating, restrictive diets, “legalizing” all foods, meditation, cold showers, moderate eating, and so on. To be fair, I did benefit and learn from all these principles and new behaviors, but I was still suffering and stuck in a mental prison, totally obsessed with my eating and the size of my stomach. I thought that moderation was the way, but I realized after finding FA that I was not able to eat certain foods like flour, sugar, and other binge foods in moderation. I have the disease of more. I have the disease of never enough.

I was desperate when I came into FA. I have been learning to shift from a scarcity mentality to an attitude of gratitude and abundance through FA. I have started an in-depth study of the Twelve Steps with my sponsor and am learning so much about addiction and my disease through this process.

I recently started sponsoring and it has been such a joy, as the promises state, to feel the sense of usefulness and being able to give back what I’ve so graciously received from the program. My life is not perfect, but I am learning that I don’t have to eat over the challenges of life. No matter what, I always have a choice. I can write, I can pick up the phone and make a call, rest when I’m tired, cry when I need to, July/August 2024

and set boundaries with my energy and time.

I have been in FA for eight months, and my life has opened up, one day at a time. I feel this sense of mental clarity and peace.

I trust myself again, and I like who I am becoming. I am no longer chained to the obsession in my mind and the compulsion and fixation on food and my body. I have released 70 pounds, and more importantly, the peaceful relationship that I always dreamt of having with food and my body is finally here. I am experiencing recovery. It is truly miraculous!

I have space in my mind and energy in my body to be present, to envision what I want to create and offer, and how I want to spend my precious energy in this lifetime. I am practicing compassion toward myself and others. I am learning that I am no worse or better off than anyone else. I am learning to surrender, trust, and take Connection

my worries to my Higher Power.

I love my quiet time every morning. I believe it has been instrumental in my recovery. I now have a peaceful, loving, kind, respectful, and trusting relationship with food and my body. That is unbelievable after 30 years of suffering and anguish. I feel whole and integrated, in alignment with who I am truly meant to be. I feel connected to a community of people. FA is where I belong.

I’ve found my tribe, my people. I don’t have to be ashamed anyL E A R more. I can share . , IS CE A GRA openly about what is really going on and talk about my struggles with addiction. I can also share what I’ve learned with others.

Finding FA has been a genuinely transformative, life-changing gift. I no longer reward myself with flour and sugar as a treat or escape; today, in recovery, my treat is life.

Lindsay S., Oregon, US 3

First 90 Days

My True Self

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remember walking into my first FA meeting, expecting it to be like a group therapy session from a movie. I pictured a steely therapist leading the meeting, stoically asking each member to share. I imagined a bunch of overweight, comicbook characters, all sitting around in a circle, listening to each other talk about stuff that wasn’t going to be useful to me. I also pictured myself as the world-weary hero who was all too wise for the group, realizing he was surrounded by a bunch of weird people. I thought, at best, I could walk away with a story that I could share about the experience—perhaps to get a laugh from others.

Today, however, I thank God that I was open-minded enough to drive to the meeting location and walk into the room because it was nothing like what I expected.

The chairs were arranged in rows, much to my relief. There was no permanent leader for the meeting. It was announced that there were no true leaders, only servants.

People in the room took turns reading and behaved in a self-directed manner. Thin, attractive people volunteered to stand up in the front of the room and share their expe4

riences. They passed around pictures of themselves before their weight loss and spoke of their misery when they first came into the program. They spoke of recovery.

They spoke with self-revealing honesty.

They greeted me with smiles and made me feel welcome. There was a light in the room that illuminated me. In short order, I realized that the people there had something I wanted.

I got an FA sponsor and started the program. I began working on the wrong thinking that was going on between my ears about food, myself, and the world. I realized that many of my beliefs about myself and the world were simply wrong. I believed many false truths, such as “I can’t lose weight at 55 years of age” and “I need to have a vigorous exercise routine in order to lose weight.” I also had self-limiting beliefs, such as “I am too old of a dog to learn new tricks.”

I had a hidden, underlying belief that I wouldn’t succeed because I had tried so many other weight loss programs and failed. Instead, I gained an understanding that my weight was not the problem. It was just a symptom of the underlying cause.

I also learned that there was a force keepJuly/August 2024

ing me from learning those greater truths.

This was my disease of food addiction that wanted me to keep my mind closed to suggestions and possibilities. Here was this rugged exterior of a man who had been through so much in life—a person who had learned to cope with the world by putting on a false face and hiding his true self for fear of ridicule, exclusion, or failure.

And I learned that I couldn’t get better without a spiritual element, and that’s when I really got on the road to recovery—a journey to recover that true self.

I started listening to that small, quiet voice that was deep within me. This was the same voice that gave me just enough of an open mind to come into the FA meeting in the first place.

This was the voice that was connected to something bigger out there in the universe.

This was the voice of the person that God Connection

really wanted me to be. I started getting better spiritually, which gave me the courage to face fears and to be open-minded enough to learn those greater truths about myself and the world. And then, the pounds just started coming off.

One of the greatest truths I discovered is this: if I focus on my recovery, I will lose my weight, but if I focus on my weight, I could lose my recovery. When I hear the term “recovery,” I think of recovering the true self that lies within me and bringing myself out to the world to do like SHARON C., MA things standing up in front of a room after 90 days of abstinence to share my story and help be a light to newcomers who walk into the rooms of FA with the same ill-conceived notions and false truths I had when I first walked in.

Lou C., New York, US 5

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Splendid Support

knew what I needed to do. I needed to eat nutritious food and avoid junk. I realized that flour and sugar could not be on my plate. But even when I had success with what I knew to do, I never had a break from the “voices” of the food. I could achieve the outward action of not putting flour in my mouth, but I could not find relief from the food chatter in my head.

On my first FA call, the woman who was to become my sponsor said with absolute confidence and assurance, “Go buy a scale, and let me tell you what you’ll eat tomorrow.”

Thus, I was initiated into this unique relationship between sponsor and sponsee.

She explained the basics of the program, fielded my many questions, offered me a stream of phone numbers for outreach calls to other FA members, and made me feel like she was my biggest cheerleader. I was amazed at her eagerness to help, give me guidance, and find answers for me.

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She was flexible with establishing an initial food plan because I have specific dietary limitations, and we came up with three weighed-and-measured meals that ushered me right into recovery. Within two days, the food voices and chatter were completely gone.

That marvelous FA member cheered me through the challenges of chomping and chewing all those veggies, cooked and raw.

She walked me through the FA tools of survival.

XANDRA G., CA She answered every single call every single morning. She was my hero.

Still, I pushed and asked for exceptions, wanting something different from the food plan I’d been given. After some months, my sponsor felt unqualified to support me anymore, but she said she would continue to sponsor me until I found someone else. I felt abandoned when she asked me to find another sponsor, but I also had a lot of support from FA July/August 2024

fellows, who told me that this happens on my knees and felt clear from my Higher from time to time and that I would make Power that my sponsor was right about it through. two of the matters, and I needed to surrenBy communicating with others and pray- der. But I also had a strong resolve that with ing, I felt ready to begin with a new sponsor. one of the matters, it was important to stay At first, I felt anxious, as I was not sure what the course. A sense of peace came over me to expect, and felt somewhat intimidated. that if my sponsor would not continue But I gradually began to realize that I wasn’t working with me, my Higher Power would in my sponsor’s hands but in God’s hands. take care of me. It was a very hard converIn the beginning, many things were diffi- sation, but we both realized that our relacult. My new sponsor had more expecta- tionship was no longer working. I was sad tions. I had to because she had commit to three done so much for I could achieve the outward meetings a week and me, and I looked up diligently practice a to her. She gave me a action of not putting flour full 30-minute quiet solid and foundatime. I needed to entional abstinence. I in my mouth, but I could deavor to connect am still so indebted with three FA memnot find relief from the food to her for her faithful bers every day. labor those many chatter in my head.

Whew, it was a lot! days, weeks, and There were times I months. We had to disagreed with her. part ways, but I didn’t Distressed and annoyed, I would reach out have to eat over it, nor did I leave FA over and talk to fellows. I would get on my knees it. and ask God for help. Most of the time, I’d Through outreach calls, I found a new find the peace to surrender and take her sponsor without losing my AWOL or my suggestions. But sometimes, I would feel sponsees, and I did not have a break. I was prompted to have further conversations so grateful to the fellowship for helping me with her. Gradually, we were building a through it all. My new sponsor is fantastic, working two-way conversation. I was grate- just like the other two, because FA is speful for all those lessons and all that growth. cial that way. We have so much to learn One day we reached an impasse on a sit- from one another. uation and just couldn’t agree. Finally, I was Anonymous Connection

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E

Diving In

very Friday night in the summer, my husband and I kick off our weekend by going out on our boat and watching the sunset over the lake. At that time, I was an active food addict, so part of the experience included bringing dinner along in a cooler—with plenty of extra snacks and desserts. This was usually food from one of the many fast-food restaurants within three miles of our home that we picked up on our way to the boat ramp. At the end of a long work week, I deserved to eat whatever I wanted. I deserved to zone out and stuff down the stresses of my work week.

In this addictive behavior, I isolated and did not want anyone to join us on these Friday night food fests. I had convinced myself that after a long week at work, it was okay to lie around on our boat and eat, and eat, and eat.

One weekend, my husband invited one of our neighbor couples to join us. He told them to bring their picnic dinner, too, and we could enjoy an evening together on the lake. Of course, when he told me our neighbors were coming, my answer was a resounding “No!” In active addiction, I liked to isolate and eat. I didn’t want people around to shame me for my eating.

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Nevertheless, the couple joined us. I put on my happy face, and off we went. My husband threw out the anchor, and everyone went to their coolers to pull out their dinner. My neighbor pulled out these mini containers filled with colorful vegetables, protein, and fruit. Her food was simply beautiful. I was eating my big, sloppy mess of a meal from a take-out shop. I told her, “Wow, your food is so nice.” She told me, “Thank you. I eat abstinently.” I thought, What the heck is that? Nobody can eat abstinently. Those two words completely contradicted each other in my mind. So, naturally, I asked her about FA. She was kind enough to tell me all about the program. We spent the next two hours basking in the setting sun while I learned all about FA. To cool down, she dove off the bow of our boat like a teenager into the lake for a swim. My way of entering the water was to slowly haul my body down the ladder on the back of the boat and push off into the lake. Diving into the water was not only unheard of for me, I don’t think I could have done it because of my weight and discomfort with my body. Climbing back into the boat was equally hard, and I could barely make it back up the three-step ladder to get back on board. My neighbor loved July/August 2024

diving in so much that she did it again and again. She would effortlessly scurry up and down the boat’s ladder in the back and enjoy the water. She told me she paddleboarded on our lake, walked all the time, and had an active, happy life after shedding her weight and living the principles of FA. I went to a local in-person meeting that same week. Being about 80 pounds overweight, sluggish and unhappy, I just had to Connection

MERISSA L., FL

learn more about FA. The people I met at the FA meeting were happy, committed, and living in right-sized bodies. They happily shared their program with me. I got a sponsor that night, lots of phone numbers, literature, and a food plan for abstinent living. I felt like I was home and as if I were with my people. All the commercial weight-loss programs got my money and some of my pounds, but I al-

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ways gained the weight back and never followed a plan that was sustainable, spiritual, or healthy until I was introduced to FA. I have lost weight in FA; however, I am not yet in my right-sized body. In the past, if I didn’t lose weight in a diet program, I would quit. Now, I embrace the process. This is not a sprint for me, it is a marathon. It is a way of life. Someday, I will be in a body that is healthy for me. Today, I am living abstinently, making my calls, going to meetings, reading my literature, and weighing and measuring my food and my life. Being in Program, I have changed jobs to have less stress in my life. I am calmer, more focused, and more peaceful. My Higher Power guides my path, not me. I keep doing the next right thing and take it one day at a time.

Sometimes my husband jokes with me and says, “Who are you?” and I just smile. I know that the new me is the direct result of living the Twelve Steps and practicing the principles of FA. Now, when I go out on our boat to watch the sunset on Friday nights, I pack my beautiful food in my little containers. Friends who join us sometimes ask, “What are you eating? It’s so beautiful.” I always say, “Well, I eat abstinently!” If they want to know more, I tell them about FA. But first, I dive into the lake from the bow of the boat, just like my neighbor did on that amazing day when I first learned about FA. Christine E., North Carolina, US 10

Twelve Traditions 1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or FA as a whole.

5. Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the food addict who still suffers.

6. An FA group ought never endorse, finance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9. FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous July/August 2024

Time Management

I

have been in FA for over two years, and ritual about what and how I ate. I only ate cerit amazes me how my food addiction af- tain combinations of foods. I spent a lot of fects other things in my life. I always had time shopping and preparing meals. reasons why I went to bed late, got up late, My sponsor made suggestions about was late for meetings, or didn't quite get 30 streamlining my food prep. We discussed the minutes of quiet time in. Sometimes, my time I spent going from one grocery store to quiet time was 26, 24, or even under 15 min- another to get the best "deals,” and the hit I utes. I rationalized got from being in that I made a congrocery stores, even I was blaming my time scious effort, but "life" when my freezer was just got in the way. full. management problems I recently traveled to Now, things are my sponsor's house manageable. I make a on life, not on my for my Fifth Step. My list and go to one time management isstore once a week. I relationship with food. sues were revealed buy only what I have while staying with her on my list. I no longer and her family. I had to weigh and measure make a production out of my food prep. I some of our meals, and it took me forever. I have a set bedtime and wake-up time; no packed lunch and dinner for my seven-hour more snooze alarm. I schedule my quiet time drive home, and my sponsor was amazed at just as I do my sponsee and sponsor calls. I how long it took me to make it. We talked am using up what I have in the freezer. about how I struggle with going to bed and "No matter what” has taken on a new wake-up times. I came clean about my quiet meaning for me. I know that if I continued time. I began to understand my addiction to my earlier behaviors with food and time food during this time of enlightenment. I was management, eventually, it would affect my blaming my time management problems on abstinence. With my sponsor's help, I came life, not on my relationship with food. My up with a plan, and no matter what, I need to sponsor and I talked about how food was still stick with it. taking up too much of my time. I had a whole Laura D., Ohio, US Connection

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The White Flag

’ve been in FA for five years and traveled abstinently many times, but that was not always the case. Once, early in my recovery, a business trip was at night, and my delayed flight arrived late. After claiming my bag, I had to drive yet another hour to get to my hotel. I was exhausted, and I was hungry. I decided I’d try to stay awake for the drive by eating all the abstinent food I’d brought with me, just to get me to the hotel.

I felt I had no other choice. How else was I going to get there without falling asleep at the wheel?

But wait. I had no fork or spoon.

I opened each container and ate everything with my hands. This was after I had stopped at a gas station for some ready-toeat sugar and salty treats. I had brought enough food to last me three days, but instead, I ate everything in my rental car except the salads, thoughtlessly devouring the 12

food until it was gone. The car was a mess. I was a mess. Despair set in. I had regressed to old behaviors. My disease owned me.

At the time, I knew I’d had a break, but the depth of it didn’t hit me until the next morning when I woke up, and it was time to call my sponsor.

Through my tears, as honestly as I could, I recounted what I had done. I told her about how chaotic and crazy my actions had been. I felt so ashamed.

ROBIN M., NY Here I was in this strange place with no food and no idea what to do next. My sponsor walked me through getting back on track.

It was that break that helped me truly understand that I am a food addict. It was on that day that I surrendered to the program and understood what it meant to embrace my Higher Power’s will and let go of mine.

I put up the white flag and admitted I was powerless, that I didn’t know how not to eat July/August 2024

addictively, and that it was time to take action by doing what my sponsor and other FA members suggested. I resolved not to just nod my head and say I’d do what they recommended while still doing what I wanted. Rather, I was going to eat my food just as I had committed it to my sponsor. I wasn’t going to “figure things out” on my own anymore. I was going to call FA fellows and ask how they traveled, how they planned, and how they handled unexpected situations that came up in their lives.

I wasn’t going to allow myself to get that hungry, angry, lonely, or tired again. Instead, I would call FA members and talk to them about my feelings. I also started to write about these feelings and take them to my daily quiet times of meditation. Now, I was committing to taking rest seriously and not overplanning my days. I let go of my usual compulsion to do “just one more thing.” I decided I was going to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood God. Traveling now is contented, peaceful, and abstinent. I’m prepared and accepting of what is doable while traveling as a food addict in recovery. I now know what to do to be fortified to travel for any amount of time away from home.

I recently traveled cross-country for a week-long family vacation, and I didn’t want a repeat performance of my work trip. Fortunately, I’d learned big lessons from that Connection

break. For starters, we booked a place with a kitchen. I carried food appropriate for flying. And when we arrived, we went to the grocery store right away. Even when I had committed to an abstinent meal out, I still had a backup meal ready, just in case something unexpected came up. For greater peace of mind, I arranged to have abstinent food ready and waiting upon my arrival back home.

On vacation, at my goal weight of 145 pounds, I was able to move freely, walk, and fully enjoy the sights. I saw the Grand Canyon, wore a bikini at the pool, went to the zoo, and celebrated my 90-year-old aunt’s birthday with dignity and humility.

The most important thing was how much I enjoyed my family and friends instead of obsessing about what I was going to eat.

I have so much to be grateful for, thanks to this program. In years past, while traveling, I would have been sick from overeating and missed out on all the great conversations going on around me. I’d have been imprisoned “in my head,” moody because I wasn’t getting the food I wanted or because I’d eaten too much.

No, on this vacation trip, I didn’t leave my recovery to chance, hoping my old habits wouldn’t take me down. This time, thanks to working the tools of FA, I put new habits to work with purpose and mindfully. I took ownership of my recovery.

Erika M., Maryland, US 13

Mind, Body, and Spirit

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ind, body, and spirit. In FA, we When I began to binge again, and the read these words at every weight came on quickly, I let go of the numeeting, “Food addiction is a tritionist and apologized for wasting his disease of the mind, body, and spirit for time. which there is no cure, but it can be arrested My next endeavor was addressing the a day at a time by our adapting to a disci- mental part of food addiction, though I plined way of eating and the Twelve-Step didn't know at the time I had a disease. I program of FA.” For years, I tried to treat found a new therapist and was determined the pieces of this disnot to lie as I had in ease as separate entithe past. My fear of ties, but I never Without treating the mental judgment and disfound recovery until gust over my addicand spiritual aspects I was guided to put tive behavior turned them all together. me into a woman of this program, I was When I was 45, I who was secretive devoted myself to and filled with constantly struggling treating the physical shame. In desperapart of this disease. I tion, I confessed and obsessing about food. spent hundreds of everything—all the dollars monthly on a bad decisions I had nutritionist who calculated and tracked my made and even how I behaved with food. I macronutrients. Following his food plan could never forget the things I did in my addown to the gram, I hit my lowest weight diction. I remember sitting in the car after since high school—over 100 pounds down grocery shopping, shoveling food into my from my top weight of 250 pounds. I was mouth with my hands. I traveled alone to confident I’d found a solution even though big cities so I could eat at all the restaurants it meant “white knuckling” most days. and shop in fancy grocery stores. It wasn't Without treating the mental and spiritual an adventure; it was a way I could isolate aspects of this program, I was constantly and binge all the foods I wanted. I rememstruggling and obsessing about food. ber putting flour and sugar purchases for 14

July/August 2024

my family in the trunk of my car so I would- actly like my life in the food. I was grateful n't eat them on the way home and then ul- to have found that room. I went back timately pulling over to the side of a busy weekly and developed a spirituality that I highway to get them and eat the rest of the had never experienced before. I felt more way home. At home, I binged on every- connected to the universe and other peothing in my pantry, including ingredients ple. But the problem, as always, was that I that were not meant to be consumed raw. still couldn’t stop eating! Since the beginI felt lighter after sharing my history with ning of that year, I gained 20 pounds, with food with my new therapist, but I still no signs of slowing down. I was disgusted couldn’t stop the bingeing. As a result, the by my lack of self-control and felt like a hypundercurrent of self-loathing persisted. I ocrite every week. I found lasting recovery used to dispose of sugar/flour products but and freedom from food obsession only in then would stand FA, a program that over the garbage eattreats this disease on ing them while I have found lasting recovery all three levels. A telling myself how sponsor offered me a and freedom from food worthless I was befood plan free of cause I did not have flour, sugar, and unobsession only in FA, the willpower to just measured quantities throw them away. that took care of my a program that treats A boyfriend who physical cravings. had been five years this disease on all three levels. Addressing the mensober in A.A. helped tal and spiritual asme address the spiripects by working the tual aspect of my disease. After comment- tools of FA and studying the Twelve Steps ing that I might be a food addict, he invited allowed me to remain abstinent. I have me to a general, religion-based recovery been graced with the gift of six abstinent meeting. I was resistant, but I reluctantly birthdays as I write this article. After agreed to attend, telling myself that I would decades of feeling alone, I am finally suronly go to support him. I couldn’t see how rounded by people who truly understand recovery applied to my eating, but the my food addiction. Today, I trust my members’ talk of self-centeredness, fear, Higher Power to continue to guide me on doubt, and insecurity felt familiar. Their de- this path of peace, serenity, and gratitude. scriptions of life with alcohol sounded exTara N., Pennsylvania, US Connection

15

Recipe for Life

M

any years before joining FA, I achiever/people pleaser. It didn’t take worked at a community col- long before crippling anxiety, hopelesslege nursing program. It was a ness, and weight gain took me over. My very stressful environment. Students and efforts to fix everything had failed. In faculty alike would share (dump) their hindsight, I realized my undiagnosed problems at my office door, as well as my food addiction had destined me to keep supervisor’s, and then go home, relieved repeating the cycle of anxiety, eating, and of their burdens. My boss and I would be hating myself until I was a physical, menleft to shoulder these tal, and emotional burdens, to deal with wreck. This behavIt didn’t take long before them as best we ior continued for could. Often, she crippling anxiety, hopelessness, six years. would exclaim, “This I knew I needed has been a two-scoop and weight gain took me over. to get out. So, I reday!” She was referturned to the familring to our favorite My efforts to fix everything iar world of frozen comfort food. academia, believhad failed.

Then we’d rush to the ing that a change of break room to scene was the “fix” I soothe ourselves, believing we had earned was looking for. It wasn’t. Life had other that day’s treat. ideas and took a surprising turn. My husOnce, after an especially grueling day of band had a chronic illness, and it was getputting out multiple fires, my boss said, ting worse. He required my attention. I “Forget the scoops—get the gallon! And retired early to care for him, and I spent two spoons.”

13 more years experiencing “two-scoop We repeated that scenario over and over. days.”

Finally, after seven years, I left to take a job When my husband died two years ago, in yet another two-scoop arena of high I found myself alone, 40 pounds overstress—the world of hospital administra- weight, a prediabetic insomniac, and tion as the executive/workaholic/over- GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease) 16

July/August 2024

sufferer. Determined not to give in to impending doom, and desperate for an answer, I prayed. I prayed to my Higher Power for help to change my health and life. This was new. Even though I had practiced my religion since childhood, I’d never considered asking for help with my weight or eating habits.

Three months later, an answer came. A church friend introduced me to FA. I attended my first meeting and was convinced I had found my solution. I had

Even though I had practiced my religion since childhood, I’d never considered asking for help with my weight or eating habits. come home. Now, 19 months later, my two-scoop days of sugar have been replaced with gallons of hope, faith, and fellowship. I can handle life’s difficulties with the tools of the program, prayer, and positivity. I’ve lost 40 pounds. I take no antacids. I sleep soundly. In serenity, acceptance, and “happy usefulness,” I have found the perfect recipe for life. Not just for today, but for the rest of my life.

Linda W., Florida, US Connection

Twelve Steps 1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous17

No More Shame

O

ver my lifetime, I lost more than frequently in the kitchen looking for flour 50 pounds at least twice, but I al- and sugar products. We didn't have snacks, ways gained back the lost weight but my mom would bake a flour product for and more. Pregnancy permitted me to eat my dad to take in his lunch. Every week I'd for two, and I sure did. Of course, coming be in the kitchen with a knife cutting slivers home from the hospital, I had to continue off and trying to make it look like nobody wearing those darn had touched it. I maternity clothes becouldn't leave it alone I truly wondered if I had and felt shame about cause I'd gained so much weight. my behavior. In my the right room because I had some success teenage years, my with a commercial jobs were in food most of these people weight loss program service, and my emand got down to 125 ployers told me I looked like they’d never pounds after my could eat whatever I had any weight issues, daughter was born, wanted without limibut I struggled with tations. That just innor would they understand creased my intake their maintenance program. When my and my desire for my shame and frustration. more quantities of son was born a few years later, I tried it flour and sugar. again, but it didn't work for me, so I decided When my children were young, I got a dito follow a more rigid plan. I went once a vorce and worked hard to support my family week and took some “vitamins” they sold by selling real estate. We were trained to me. To this day I have no idea what was in keep an upbeat attitude, but being on them but I was able to get that extra weight straight commission was scary with two off. small kids. I learned to hide my feelings in Looking back at my childhood, I was public but went home in the evenings and never the skinny kid. I remember always resorted to food to calm my nerves and wanting more food at family meals and was shove down my feelings. I always tried to 18

July/August 2024

have a smiling face in public and hid my fear ish a bag of this or a box of that. and insecurity from even my close friends.

My son is in recovery from drug and alcoThe weight began creeping upward as I hol addiction, and I knew a bit about A.A. turned to food for comfort. I felt constantly from attending family sessions when he was frustrated when I went to my closet to find receiving inpatient care. I even owned a Big something to wear, and it was too tight. I'd Book so I could understand addiction betgo to the store to buy something new, and I ter. As I read the stories in the Big Book, I had to buy a larger size and then the new kept thinking that they told about the lives clothes still looked awful. The shame and of those who couldn't stop using, and I realpain grew along with my thighs and waist- ized that was true for me. Once I had flour line. I was always searching for the magical or sugar, I wanted more and more. I wasn't diet that would drop my weight quickly. At any different from them, but I didn't know every grocery checkthere were programs out line, I'd read for people like me.

That night I walked out the about the latest and My drug of choice, greatest diet and try it was needed door with hope for a future. food, for a few days, then every day to survive. I give up. I tried hypnowondered, How could I have a new freedom sis, sugar busters, low anyone stop eating? carb, and keto, and I Later I heard about and a new happiness went back to comOvereaters Anonymercial diets several mous and attended that is hard to describe. times to no avail. I one meeting, but I had a diet buddy who never went back. would start with me and then we'd both fall My Higher Power brought me to FA off the wagon. I couldn't seem to find the about one month after my son's significant magic one that worked for me. I'd read other died of an overdose. The painful realabout making a lifestyle change, but I didn't ity of addiction made me realize I was on a know how I could do any of those diets for path to destruction as well. No, I wasn't the rest of my life. going to be arrested or lose my driver's liI felt defeated. I kept thinking I was differ- cense, but I was destroying the body my ent and that I was just a stress or emotional Higher Power had given me and my peace eater. Of course, I ate whether I was happy of mind. I happened to see a notice of a or sad and generally found any excuse to fin- meeting in my church's weekly bulletin for Connection

19

FA. Later that same week, I picked up a tri- people say, “The scale is my friend,” “You fold brochure in a nail salon that included never have to be this weight again,” and more the 20 questions and the day and time of things that gave me hope. That night I that meeting at my church. I had no idea walked out the door with hope for a future. what I was getting myself into, but I told my I found a sponsor immediately. She looked husband I was going to the meeting. He like a model and had just lost 100 pounds. I knew I was searching for a solution, but I wanted what she had and I'm glad my don't think either of us thought there was Higher Power led me to FA. I have a new any hope for me. I'd tried and failed so many freedom and a new happiness that is hard to times. describe, but I'm so grateful for all the work As I entered the that was done before room that afternoon, me and the abstiI put my food on the scale nence I tried to sit near the of those who back, but the room brought the meeting and have the support was small, and I to my community so couldn't hide. There and guidance of my sponsor, I can now share what were lots of friendly has so freely been people who wel- wonderful meetings to attend, given to me. comed me, and I Today, I live one day and a large group of caring at a time. I put my truly wondered if I had the right room food on the scale and and supportive FA friends. because most of have the support and these people looked guidance of my sponlike they'd never had sor, wonderful meetany weight issues, nor would they under- ings to attend, and a large group of caring stand my shame and frustration. and supportive FA friends. I can openly talk I was amazed at what I heard that first about the challenges in my life and share my meeting when the speaker told her story. I joys, too. I weigh between 128-130 pounds was shocked that she had some of the same and trust that with the help of my Higher feelings I had and then, with the direction of Power and the wonderful tools of the proFA and a sponsor, she had kept her weight gram, I will continue to live a healthy life and off for years. That day, I heard phrases I'd be available to share my experience, read in the Big Book, like “half measures strength, and hope with others. availed us nothing” and I saw myself. I heard Carla B, Florida, US 20

July/August 2024

I

Learning to Be Teachable

am training to be a therapist and have been working a lot to accumulate the hours required for licensure. I also realize I want to impress my boss, my supervisor, my family, and myself. Clearly, I need a priorities check. Thank God that FA provides me with gentle ways to come back to myself and find the precious gift of humility.

I can be obtuse and insensitive if I am tired and stressed by work demands and seeing clients. However, my dear sponsor effectively grabbed my attention the other day. Our recent calls felt like cramming a round peg into a square hole. She would say things like, “Susan, it’s me here. You know, the one who has been with you for so many years.” But I couldn’t hear her.

At the end of a recent FA meeting we both attended, matters came to a head.

As we walked to our cars, I asked if I had done something wrong or was just letting my insecurity get to me. She replied that maybe someone else could help me more Connection

than she could. She said that it might be time for me to get another sponsor.

When I heard those words, I went into a panic attack. I dropped my belongings, started hyperventilating, and crouched down so I wouldn’t fall. My sponsor crouched beside me, hugged me, and spoke to me in the voice that has comforted and encouraged me for eight years.

The prospect of not having my sponSUSAN D., CA sor was terrifying.

I didn’t want to go back to 24/7 bingeing and purging, suicide attempts, mental hospitals, jail, homelessness, drug addiction, and abusive relationships. I know my sponsor is not my Higher Power, and I have had other sponsors. But this woman has been the perfect channel of God’s love and wisdom to me.

I am so grateful she allowed me to continue calling at my regular time. She gave me some clues as to what I could ask God to help me change. She said maybe it’s my arrogance because I have all these new 21

tools from being a therapist trainee and about everything and taking all the sugperhaps that’s interfering with me being a gestions no matter how nonsensical they learner during my call with her rather seemed. Also, I would never be in training than a teacher. Also, she suggested that to be a therapist without FA and my my attitude is off and my tone of voice is sponsor. She supported me, encouraged me, and helped me not soft, sweet, or fill out tons of pahumble. On my FA I know my sponsor is not perwork over the outreach calls, I have been asking my Higher Power, and I have years.

I want to move others for feedback, had other sponsors. forward in my sponand one fellow told sor relationship me to write a letter But this woman has been with humility and about what my deep gratitude for sponsor’s suggestions have meant to the perfect channel of God’s love this amazing program. FA has pulled me over the years. and wisdom to me. me off the streets Simply put, foland out of institulowing my sponsor’s suggestions has meant abstinence. I had tions and gives me a chance to live a life a lot of breaks in the beginning, and to get that makes God proud.

Susan D., California, US abstinent, I had to commit to asking

Notable and Quotable

N

otable and Quotable is a new column with light-hearted and fun content in the form of short snippets and offers more interaction and opportunities for contributions from our active and diverse fellowship.

In the January/February issue we asked you to send your insights, thoughts, and tidbits about dating / romance in recovery. Those responses are being compiled 22

for a future issue.

Now we’re looking for acronyms you’ve heard in recovery, like WAIT (Why Am I Talking?) or FEAR (Future Events Already Ruined).

Please send your favorite acronyms and any additional dating /romance in recovery submissions to articles@foodaddicts.org. Please include the letters “NQ” in the subject line.

July/August 2024

No Matter What

Worrying is Not a Solution

A

s a recovering fixer, manager, covery in ways I never imagined. and controller, I thought I had The car ride went fine. Not a bit of meevery possible scenario covered chanical trouble, but I did get lost. As for my recent cardiac ablation procedure. someone who relies on paper maps and I had multiple plans ready in case of the road signs, I failed to print all the route dicar trouble I “knew” would happen on my rections and found myself caught in an two-and-a-half-hour endless loop of onedrive to the hospiway streets. Calling Being in recovery for over for tal. Backup plans help made me were in place in case vulnerable. Ask13 years does not mean that feel anything disrupted ing for help got me my reservation for I am not still a drama queen. to my destination. where I would recuThe procedure perate after the outwent off without a patient procedure. I packed enough hitch. It required me to lie flat for seven abstinent food to feed a small army. Most hours. As my sister went to get the car, the importantly, I had every imaginable situ- nurses sat me up to get dressed. That is ation officially cataloged and sufficiently when the drama started to unfold. My worried about to cover every possible prior intermittent bouts of vertigo kicked outcome of the procedure, including my in with a vengeance. It was one of the untimely death and resulting funeral. worst attacks I have ever experienced.

Being in recovery for over 13 years does With the relentless spinning sensation not mean that I am not still a drama and uncontrollable nausea, the doctor dequeen. cided to admit me. Frankly, I don’t reThe reality is that not one of the things member this part. I just remember the I worried about happened. I did, however, beginning of the procedure and waking experience complications. Those compli- up in the ICU 12 hours later. cations required me to lean into my re- Waking in the ICU, I knew I needed to Connection

23

call my sponsor. I couldn’t lift my head Eventually, I was released to the care of and I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat. my sister. The place we reserved for my Hearing her voice on the other end of the recovery was blessedly able to extend the phone was so comrental period since I forting. I was dazed, I knew negativity and self-pity needed more time confused, and sick to adjust to new to my stomach and were my enemies, so I turned medications. The her clarity helped long drive home to making gratitude lists me navigate the exwas unthinkable, so perience abstitwo FA members in my head. nently. For two days from my hometown I was confined to picked me up and complete bed rest and needed help with drove my car home. everything. I was not embarrassed to ask The drama did not end there. Once for the help I needed. When I could lift home, I experienced another medical my head to eat, the hospital provided complication, and an FA fellow was there wonderfully bland, abstinent food that at 5:15 AM to help me through it. I was helped sustain my carried through that body.

My Higher Power, sponsor, very long week with For my two days in a lot of support. My the ICU, I turned to Higher Power, and FA fellows were all my Higher Power. sponsor, and FA felNo TV, no distrac- solutions to problems I didn’t lows were all solutions, just God. I tions to problems I know I would have. knew negativity and didn’t know I would self-pity were my enhave. This experiWorrying is not a solution. ence helped me unemies, so I turned to making gratitude derstand that my lists in my head. I had so much for which recovery happens in real-time. Worrying to be grateful. I was safe, receiving excel- is not a solution. Daily use of the tools of lent care, and had members of FA to call FA prepared me to have a “Plan B” that I in those moments when I needed to hear never knew I would need. a friendly voice.

Peggy W., Kentucky, US 24

July/August 2024

Lighten Up!

SUSANLORRAINE M., CA

Knocked Into Sense

W

hen I came to FA, my left foot was in a cast. I was physically uncomfortable and feeling very sorry for myself. I was morbidly obese at 218 pounds on a 5-foot, 3-inch frame. I couldn’t stop eating.

FA members offered me rides to meetings.

During my second week in FA, I was a passenger in a car headed to our local meeting when we were rear-ended on the highway.

Walking from the parking lot to the meeting, which was in a hospital, my sponsor asked me what was wrong and offered to take me to the Connection

emergency room. All I wanted was to go home.

On my next sponsor call, I listed all the reasons why I couldn’t do the program. I was in pain, I was dizzy, and I couldn’t even walk up a flight of stairs. She kindly listened to me for about 14 of the 15 minutes allotted for my call. Finally, she said, “Well, if you can tell me how flour, sugar, or quantities of food can help, then you don’t have to do the program.

If you can’t, call me tomorrow morning.”

The next morning, I called her.

Anna P., Maryland, US 25

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.