April 2024: Progress Not Perfection

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FA Stories of Recovery from Food Addiction

Progress Not Perfection

April 2024 $2.50

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April 2024

Columns Qualification: True to Myself. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 No Matter What: Answered Prayers. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 Lighten Up: Marital Stake. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

Features The Change. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 No, Thank You. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 No, Gracias. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 Hearing the Music. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Embracing Contradiction. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 Staying Afloat. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 No Graduation Day. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14

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Glossary of Terms FA: Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous AA: Alcoholics Anonymous AWOL: A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps Big Book: Alcoholics Anonymous 1 Stone = 14 pounds 1 Kilo = approx. 2.2 pounds Copyright © 2024 Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous 400 W. Cummings Park, Suite 1700 Woburn, MA 01801-6572

Qualification

True to Myself

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illiam Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true,” but this was an impossibility for me since I had no idea who my “self ” was. I was completely blind to my food addiction, among other negative traits. I’d repeated the same experiment of eating “just one” dozens of times throughout my life, always with the same result—not being able to stop and feeling like an absolute failure. Driven by fear, I resembled the definition of insanity by doing the same thing but expecting a different result in every area of my life, especially with food. The loss of self-worth, relationships with good people, material possessions, and, eventually, my health were the results of my insane way of living. The irony is that I was in such denial I couldn’t see my own self-destruction, let alone change it.

Instead, I became a master at ways to minimize, deny, rationalize, and justify my behavior. The most insidious form of my denial was that I wasn’t even aware of my tendency towards “fight or flight.” My allor-nothing thinking, negativity, and extreme behaviors stemmed from choices I made without knowing why I made them.

Connection

For most of my life, I didn’t know where or how I fit in. Having been immersed in shame and secrecy at an early age and lacking basic survival skills, I resorted to lying, isolation, and eating to squash my thoughts and emotions. At age 13, I was a pudgy eighth grader and tried my first attempt at dieting. As I developed curves later in my teens, at 5 feet, 9 inches tall, my average weight was 135 pounds, so I looked normal. Throughout much of my young adult years, I became completely out of touch with my true feelings and lost all sense of self. Later, my ambition to succeed at something, anything, fueled with an inordinate amount of flour and sugar foods, was a driving force at work and in college. By the time I was 35, I’d reached my top weight of 268 pounds. I was in an abusive marriage, miserable, and thoroughly disgusted with myself. My thinking at the time was that if I could just lose weight, my life would magically be perfect. I tried a series of diets and paid for weight loss schemes, as well as joining gyms, jogging, and other weight control programs. But I always returned to the food. Luckily, thanks to a friend at work, 1

I landed in a Twelve-Step program for compulsive overeating two years before my fortieth birthday and began to understand how out of control I was with food.

However, my work in that program was a testament to the saying, “Half measures availed us nothing.” Even though that program helped me reach my weight goal and maintain it for five years, I was back in the food before age 45.

After 13 years of relapse, I was once again totally disgusted with my inability to stop bingeing on flour and sugar products, and I weighed over 200 pounds. My health had declined, and I had excruciating chronic back pain, high cholesterol, and hypertension that required medication. My saving grace was that I remembered my previous success in a Twelve-Step food program, and I desperately sought to find such a program again.

I was directed to an FA meeting by a friend in recovery with the warning that I needed to be “serious” because “they don’t play.” When I first walked into the filled classroom, the meeting had already started, and I sat in the back. Somehow, I knew I was in the right place. The welcome and warmth I felt that day lifted me, and at the next meeting, I got a sponsor.

So began my FA journey of discovery into myself, my addiction, and my Higher Power. It has been a journey wrought with 2

miracles on many levels. The Twelve Steps and FA tools have provided me with the survival skills I needed but did not have prior to the program. Weighing and measuring my food helped me learn how to set boundaries, practice self-care, and maintain a normal-sized body. In quiet time, I found my Higher Power and gained a close relationship by making “conscious contact” in daily prayer. That relationship has led me to a deeper spiritual practice that complements and supports my spiritual teachings. Practicing Twelve-Step principles with my FA tools of abstinence, gratitude, and service gives me clarity and the opportunity to have discipline and integrity in my daily life.

Working with my sponsor, I learned how to be honest. Studying the Twelve Steps, reading FA literature, and writing helped me learn about and accept myself more fully, let go of resentments, and amend damages from past relationship missteps.

One of the greatest gifts I’ve received from FA is the fellowship of people from all walks of life with whom I have so much in common and who share the same experience of becoming the person that my Higher Power intends for me, one day at a time. None of what I do is perfect, but my life in recovery is proof that “practice makes progress.”

Yacine W., California, US April 2024

The Change

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s a child of Holocaust survivors from Poland, I was exposed to quite a bit of emphasis on food growing up. Our refrigerator was always packed front to back, full of all kinds of food. My parents had lived through six years in a ghetto and a concentration camp with little to no food at all, often experiencing starvation. Their obsession with food was very strong.

I had always been a thin child and never felt the urge to “live to eat.” I only liked certain foods and was very fussy. I was a plain eater.

My parents took me to doctors to find out what was wrong with me. The doctors told my mom just to let me eat what I wanted, and I'd develop an appetite later.

I ate normally through adulthood until things changed at about age 45, and I became pre-menopausal. Apparently, sometimes taste buds are enhanced because of the “change of life,” and the transformation of my appetite was shocking! Everything tasted so much better. I didn’t eat many new things, but everything I liked, I ate even more.

I had always been told I resembled my paternal grandmother, and I became an even more enhanced version by putting weight on and becoming a definitive pear shape. My time was spent covering this part of my body with jackets, vests, and larger shirts. Nothing Connection

felt comfortable, but boy, did I trick everyone, except those close to me.

After I reached my sixties, I became pre-diabetic. By this time, my son was into healthy foods, outdoor activities, and clean food. He talked with me about meditation, breathing, and releasing resentment. Was he ever right!

These all turned out to be the things I would come to practice after I joined FA. I have had significant growth under the guidance of my sponsor and have learned so much from listening to fellows in my meetings and during phone calls. I only know FA through virtual online meetings, and for now, it suits me. I enjoy meeting people from all over the world and gaining new and different perspectives. Everyone has something to add to my growth and understanding of the physical, mental, and spiritual parts of life. Losing weight is a bonus.

Though the start in FA was complicated and overwhelming, I decided to slow down and take it “one day at a time,” which worked.

I am grateful for writing about gratitude, letting go of perfection, losing weight, and, most importantly, getting my health back in order.

On top of it, I have made many new friends and acquaintances, and I have the feeling of a global bond.

Sarah S., Canada 3

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No, Thank You

y mom always asks me the same question, “Do you want some of this?” I always think, After all these years in FA (five), don’t you know I don’t eat flour or sugar? But I simply tell her, “No, thank you, Mom.” In the FA program, I have learned to pause instead of getting angry. Instead of explaining to my family, friends, or co-workers why I don’t eat flour, sugar, or quantities, I say nothing. I remind myself that when I made the decision to live the Twelve Steps, I decided to live in recovery. But others—my family, friends, or co-workers—do not think about recovery. They hardly even think about food the way I used to before finding recovery.

In food addiction, I lost myself. I had no sense of my own identity or values. I was one who only lived to please others. I didn’t care about myself. My identity was lost in plates, bags, and boxes of food.

After studying the Twelve Steps in sequence for the third time, I am learning to live based on what I want and what I value. I no longer need people to like me; I just want my Higher Power to like me. So, when people ask me for something I can’t or don’t want to do for them, I reply with one word: No. Telling my family, friends, or co-workers no was the hardest thing for me. I thought I 4

would die if I said that little word, but I didn’t die. I grew stronger, more courageous, and more confident in who I am as another human being on the planet who is worthy of dignity.

Every day, I make the decision not to eat addictively, and it is my decision, even if everyone else eats or offers me something that is not my food. I am no longer the victim of my addiction. Now, I can tell my mom and anyone else in my life that I am not going to eat those things offered to me. And I can tell them in a calm and loving way, but also in a direct and honest way. That is my recovery; taking care of myself, honoring my choices, and allowing others to make their choices for their lives. I don’t try to control people. They have their own paths in life. I am no one’s Higher Power.

Most people don’t want to know about my eating plan or even my program, which has helped me so much. So, when someone asks me if I want to eat something outside of my eating plan, I simply tell them, with a warm smile, “No thanks.” These two simple words come from five years of using my FA tools and the Twelve Steps on a daily basis. Maybe people don’t understand the seriousness of these two little words, but I do.

Sheryn N., California, US April 2024

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No, Gracias

i madre siempre me hace la a mi misma. No tenía ninguna forma de misma pregunta: ¿Quieres mi propia identidad ni de mis propios un poquito de esto? Siem- valores. Yo era una que solamente vivía pre me digo: “Después de tantos años en el para agradar a los demás. Yo no me imprograma de FA (cinco), ¿no sabes que no portaba. Mi identidad fue perdida en como harina ni azúcar?” Pero, simple- platos de comida, bolsas de comida, y mente le digo, “No, gracias, Mamá.” cajas de comida.

En el programa de Después de estuFA, estoy aprendidiar los Doce endo a callarme en Cada día, tomo la decisión de Pasos por tercera vez de enojarme. vez, estoy aprendino comer adictivamente y es la Me callo en vez de endo a vivir explicar a mi fabasado en lo que decisión mía, aunque todo el milia, a mis amigos, quiero yo, y en lo o a mis compañeros mundo coma o me ofrezca algo que valgo yo. Ya de trabajo por qué no necesito no como harina, que no sea mi comida. Ya no agradarle a la azúcar, o cantidades gente; nada más, sin número. Re- soy la víctima de mi adicción. quiero agradarle a cuerdo que yo tomé mi Poder Supela decisión de vivir rior. Por eso, los Doce Pasos; yo decidí a vivir en la re- cuando la gente me pide algo que no cuperación. Pero los demás--los de mi puedo o no quiero hacer, les digo una familia, de mis amigos, o de mis com- palabra sencilla de dos letras: No. Eso pañeros de trabajo--no piensan en la re- fue lo más difícil para mí--decirle a mi facuperación. Los que no son adictos a la milia, a mis amigos, o a mis compañeros comida casi no piensan en la comida de trabajo que no. Yo pensé que iba a como yo solía hacer antes de encontrar morir si les dijera esa palabrita, pero no la recuperación. me morí; me puse más fuerte, más seEn mi adicción a la comida, me perdí gura de mi misma, más confidente en Connection

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quien era como otro ser humano que vale mucho en el planeta.

Cada día, tomo la decisión de no comer adictivamente y es la decisión mía, aunque todo el mundo coma o me ofrezca algo que no sea mi comida.

Ya no soy la víctima de mi adicción.

Ahora, puedo decirle a mi mamá, y a cualquier otra persona en mi vida, que no voy a comer. Y se los puedo decir en una manera calmada y cariñosa, pero también, en una manera directa y honesta. Eso es mi recuperación: cuidarme a mi misma, honrar mis propias decisiones, y permitir que los demás tomen sus propias decisiones para la vida suya. No trato de controlar a la gente porque ellos tienen su propio camino en la vida. No soy el Poder Superior de nadie en la vida.

La mayoría de la gente no quiere saber nada de mi plan de comer ni aún mi programa que me ha ayudado tanto. Entonces, cuando alguien me pregunta si quiero comer algo fuera de mi plan de comer; simplemente les digo con una sonrisa cálida: “No gracias.” Estas dos palabras sencillas, vienen de cinco años de usar mis Herramientas y los Doce Pasos diariamente. Tal vez las personas no entienden la seriedad de estas dos palabritas, pero, ¡yo sí!

Sheryn N., California, US 6

Twelve Traditions 1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or FA as a whole.

5. Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the food addict who still suffers.

6. An FA group ought never endorse, finance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9. FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

April 2024 Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

Hearing the Music

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SUSAN D., CA

ears ago, my sister and her husband of the time during the long journey in the took me in after my boyfriend family van. I sat next to my niece and the dumped me, and I had been fired cooler. I tried to make it look like I was being from my job for drinking. My sister painted a dutiful aunt, but I was just steadily eating a bedroom in their house for me with clouds out of the cooler and depleting their trip proand decorated it beautifully. I was, at that visions. I was worried the kids would say time, in full-blown food addiction. I was wild something, and I was concerned about how and had very little control over my eating. I’d I would replace the food, but I couldn’t stop try to eat only vegetables or not eat at all, but myself. At gas stations, we’d stop, and I’d buy then I’d end up sneaking my sister’s kids’ food liquor and food and then sneak off to the bathroom to guzzle my booze and purge. I’m at night after everyone was asleep.

When my sister and her family moved to sure my bathroom visits prolonged our another state, they invited me to come along. travel time.

At some point, I ran out of money and had I had no other prospects. I was drunk most

to borrow some. I was ashamed, but I needed my drugs. At night, we slept in hotels, and I stayed with my niece. I took long “showers,” which meant that I ran the water so she wouldn’t hear me purging. Then I’d leave my niece and go wandering around in the dark, looking for food, booze, or drugs.

In the morning, I’d go down to the hotel’s free breakfast buffet, eat huge amounts of food, and sneak food out of the hotel.

When we reached the new state, my condition worsened. I left my room only to drink and look for drugs. I binged and purged all day and night and pretended to watch TV. I leached off my sister and her husband until they finally told me that I needed to get a job. Then they told me that I needed to move out.

I got an apartment, but I lost the job because I was too high to show up. I lost my apartment—my drug dealer boyfriend was going to win rent money at the casino—and then I wound up in jail. I eventually landed in the mental hospital, where they gave me a diagnosis and started the ball rolling to get me disability and housing.

Eventually, I was guided to FA. I was told that FA was a life-changing program, and that’s what I wanted. I had been suicidal for years and hated myself and everybody. I felt like I would rather die than go on getting sicker and sicker. I got a sponsor and read the AA Big Book repeatedly. I was terrified of making phone calls, but I did them anyway 8

and learned to love them. They gave me the strength to get up and wash my dishes after a meal. I laughed and cried and listened and talked on my calls. I no longer felt alone or hopeless. I learned to use the outreach calls for anything I was struggling with.

I hadn’t contacted my sister since I moved out four years ago. When I had been in FA for about two years, I reconnected with her and the rest of my family. After I joined FA, many things in my life started to improve.

Now I own and drive my own car, take classes, and have a good part-time job. My boss says I have a calming energy and am dependable, adjectives that would never have been applied to me before. My debts are finally being repaid. I no longer write all over my arms or cut my hair just to show people how much I hate them. My clothes are clean.

I am learning that if a coworker is moody, it’s not my fault. I don’t have to get moody, too.

Today, I’m having one of those moments when I have to pinch myself. I’m thinking, Can this be real? Yesterday, my sister invited me to her daughter’s orchestra recital. That’s amazing. My food addiction had trashed that relationship. I was nervous. Where would I park? Should I ask her to save me a spot? Could I leave early? Is our relationship growing? Rather than barrage my sister with a million questions, I remembered that I had been guided in FA to keep it simple. I’ve learned that if my food and tools are in order, then everything else will fall into place.

April 2024

I arrived at the facility, and there was a huge crush of people. I got scared and remembered how hard it was for me to go to large events in the past. I felt like crying, but instead started talking to my higher power, as my sponsor always suggests. “Okay, God, I’m getting scared here, and I don’t know what’s going on. Can you just help me with my fear? And God, that snack counter over there? Thank you, God, that’s not my food!”

Miraculously, I recognized my sister. We sat together, and it was amazing. I wasn’t sure how to act or what to say, so I just kept asking my higher power to guide me and show me how I could be of service. I’m learning that the most important thing for me to do is to try to figure out what God wants me to do in the moment. Program teaches me to just take the next right action. No need to overthink. It works. Generally, it’s a lot simpler than I think it will be.

It is embarrassing to say, but I’m finally learning, at 37 years old, that it’s okay to let others be the stars. FA has taught me to enjoy the talents of others. I can support my niece at her performance rather than try to steal the limelight.

With my emotions alive and unsuppressed by the food, I was moved by the music, the obvious pride of the parents, and the sense of accomplishment exhibited by the kids.

None of this would have been possible for me without FA. Anonymous Connection

Twelve Steps 1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous9

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Embracing Contradiction

have a great career, friendships, family, and all the “stuff ” you’re supposed to have. So, the denial that I am an addict ran deep. It never occurred to me that I could be an addict; that was for people who have a drinking or drug problem. How can someone be addicted to food? Logic said that was ridiculous, and I prided myself on being a highly logical person. Logic also dictated that my weight problem could be solved with moderation in my eating.

After all, losing weight is just a math equation, calories in and calories out. It was a paradox that I just kept doing the same things and expecting different results. I was living an insane life.

After three decades of battling my 10

weight, I was finally ready to admit I needed help. I didn’t know how to stop hurting myself. I joined FA in 2014 at the age of 46, wearing a size 22 on a 5-foot, 3inch frame. I was 267 pounds, and I could see 300 pounds coming. It terrified me.

I discovered that this program is full of paradoxes.

These are the top three I’ve embraced in my more than seven years of abstinence.

First, this is the most disciplined food plan I have KELLY ANNE R., NY ever been on.

I’ve tried them all, and it gives me the most freedom I’ve ever had. I used to think that freedom was eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I learned in FA that freedom is three weighed and measured meals, with nothing in beApril 2024

tween. When I am in charge of choosing gardless of external circumstances. and deciding on quantities, I always want When I came into FA, I had this vague more. Not having the option to eat flour, notion of the universe being greater than sugar, or individual binge foods is so me, and I believed in karma. That was the much easier for me than trying to have extent of my spiritual practice. It never just a little. occurred to me, through three decades of Second, the more I surrender, the more my weight loss journey, that there could I get back. This blew my mind. I always be a connection between food, my thought I had to control things and hold weight, and God. The biggest miracle by them tight to make sure they would turn far has been developing a relationship out the way I wanted. I discovered that with my higher power. My sponsor has the more I let go and been an exceptional turned things over guide on this jourto my higher power, ney.

I know my perIt never occurred to me, the more things sonality has through three decades of my changed, my relaturned out better than I imagined. tionships have imweight loss journey, that there Third, life happens. proved, and my Some of it is great, peace and serenity could be a connection between and some of it is bad, have increased as and I can find joy my faith and trust in food, my weight, and God. the even when bad God of my unthings are happenderstanding get ing. Remembering to be grateful has stronger. That is absolutely what has been life-changing for me. When I was made the difference for me, and allowed eating addictively, I could experience me to maintain a 130-pound weight loss. happiness because of some external ac- I continue to be willing to do anything complishment or material thing. But that is needed for my recovery. This inmostly, I was overdramatizing the nega- cludes embracing these paradoxes and tive stuff and feeling indignant or devas- things I don’t necessarily understand. I tated. In FA, I get to experience the joy know that one day at a time if I embrace that comes from being comfortable with this solution, I get to live a sane, happy, myself. I have the clarity to see all the and useful life! abundance and blessings in my life, reSusie L., California, US Connection

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Staying Afloat

acations were not happy for me when I was eating. When I was a teenager on vacation, I was bingeing, purging, and struggling with my weight.

Feelings of jealousy, criticism, and negativity were with me daily, vacation or not. I was on a mission to deny that I had these negative feelings, and no matter what, I wanted to “feel better.”

Before leaving for a vacation day on the water, I was always too interested in what my parents packed in the cooler. The lunch that was prepared for me never felt like enough.

I was resentful about the food and couldn’t wait to go to the dock towards the end of the day to buy a sweet treat. I thought about that treat all day long.

I was jealous of my brothers and other family members because they were thinner than I was and didn’t seem to care about how they looked. They had fun with each other, while I was overly concerned with how many calories I had eaten that day. I couldn’t stop snacking. I got mad at myself for being obsessed about what I wanted to eat and how much weight I needed to lose from my thighs and stomach to be “hot” and get a boyfriend on my next vacation.

I spent time mentally criticizing couples at the beach. I would make up stories about 12

how they probably fought a lot, weren’t happy with each other, and didn’t have money. I wanted the beachgoers to have miserable lives. I felt empty, alone, and scared of life, and I wanted everyone—family, friends, and strangers—to sink as low as I felt.

The days at the beach ended with me lying in bed thinking what a horrible day it had been because I had eaten too much. Food haunted me as I drifted into a sugar- and flour-filled sleep. Eating never took away my negative feelings about the world, but only made me feel more separate and alone.

I am now 31 and have been abstinent continuously in FA for almost six years. I am on vacation with my family. Today I saw a couple with a newborn baby by the water. I also sat by some older folks who were minding their grandchild. Although I was very happy to be with my mom, there were couples and families with kids all around. I had thoughts about food, and I felt empty and different. I kept praying, but the feelings of inadequacy were persistent. I thought, When am I going to get married? I felt jealous of the couple with the baby. My negative thoughts drove me far from God and far from my mom.

I have learned that it only takes a few confident prayers and the right actions for the April 2024

MERISSA E., FL

program and my Higher Power to work for me. I prayed and practiced thanking God for all that I have: a right-sized body, a black bikini, precious abstinence, honesty with myself, a commitment to an AWOL, a clear mind, hope, gratitude, and self-esteem.

I admitted to my mom some of the jealous feelings I was having. We talked about other things, which was a lovely distraction to get me out of my self-centered thinking. My hope was partially restored when I said, “Someday,” in response to my mom while talking about grandkids. It was fully restored when I conquered my fear, swam across the river, and floated effortlessly on my back, just as I did before the weight of my food addiction took over my body, mind, and soul. I looked up and thanked God for not letting me miss this moment of being on vacation Connection

at the beach with my mom.

I continued my growth process by leaving the beach when my mom had had enough, taking extra quiet time, reading my TwentyFour Hours a Day book, and calling a dear fellow whose last words on the phone after I admitted to feelings of wanting a husband now were, “Enjoy the beauty of it.” I knew she meant to enjoy the beauty of waiting.

My whole life of disease was spent wanting food, money, drugs, a job, a car, a house—at that moment.

At the beach today, I understood deeply that waiting is a part of my growth process.

I have learned how to wait for my abstinent meals, and a few hours ago I waited for my ugly thoughts to pass and got to experience blissful thoughts while floating in the water.

Anonymous 13

No Graduation Day

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was always filled with overwhelming nervousness, doubt, and fear, which I blamed on being Cuban-born and living in the United States. I grew up feeling different from most of the American kids in my neighborhood. But my sense of feeling different went deeper than that. I also felt very different from everyone in my family.

Of my four siblings, including my fraternal twin sister, I was the only fat one in my family.

My twin and I both weighed approximately five pounds each at birth, but very soon, I started to surpass her in weight. By the time we were in junior high school, I weighed 50 pounds more than my twin and wore a size 16, which was larger than what my mother wore. I knew I ate more than other members of my family. I just did not understand why. I started to sneak food at an early age. I also did my best to avoid family events and social engagements because I didn’t want to experience the humiliation of being compared to my siblings. By the time I entered high school, I was 5 feet, 4 inches tall and weighed almost 200 pounds. I felt like an outsider everywhere I went, and I tried to hide in crowds so I would not be teased about my weight.

When I was a junior in high school, I took a biology class, where I learned about the di14

gestive tract and how long it takes food to be digested. Soon after taking this class, I started throwing up my food, and I suffered from bulimia for many years. I sought the help of psychologists and psychiatrists, but these were unsuccessful at arresting my bulimic habits.

Throughout those years, my sense of fear, nervousness, and low self-esteem continued to grow, no matter how many successes I accumulated in other areas of my life, including completing a graduate degree and working as a successful white-collar professional.

I was introduced to this program through another food addict who I confided in for

I learned the hard way that there is no gradhelp to gain “control” over food. Through FA, I learned that surrendering (not control- uation for me from the FA way of life. After ling) my food addiction was the key. I being in FA for a while, I picked up addictive learned that my enormous level of fear, eating habits again because I failed to remain doubt, and insecurity caused me to binge and spiritually fit by vigorously working all the purge food as a way of coping with life. I tools of this program. As a result, I gained found out that I was addicted to sugar and back the almost 70 pounds I had lost. Then, through the help of God and fellow FA flour.

I now have new, healthy coping skills. I sur- members, I again found the willingness to render each day (sometimes many times surrender my food addiction.

Now I get up each morning knowing that throughout a day) to a power greater than myself that helps me implement the FA way whatever challenges life brings my way, with of life. Through a structured way of eating, I the help of FA and my Higher Power, I will have been able to live a joy-filled life without make it through and thrive without hurting the need to binge and purge. Equally impor- myself with food. I thank God that I am a tant is that by practicing the tools of this pro- food addict who found a way out of her misgram, I live a life in which I am not paralyzed ery, thanks to FA. Espy A., Washington DC, US by fear or low self-esteem.

MERISSA E., FL

No Matter What

Answered Prayers

I

have a chronic stomach condition that said, “God, please help me to show up. I flares up, particularly in times of stress. don’t want to bother my stomach even It goes away completely for stretches more. Please help the restaurant have of time, and then, bam, I go through a crisis something really clean for me to order.” with my kid, or have a very stressful couple And off we went. of days at work, and there it is. When it We arrived at the restaurant, chatted with flares up, I must be very careful about what our friends, and looked at the menu. There I eat, and restaurants can be particularly were several choices that would be fine on difficult. Sometimes, a typical day, but after eating at a were a little too I am so grateful to know that heavy restaurant, I will be for my sensisick for a week. Last stomach. But when I do what I know to be tive week, after a chalthere was a “fish of lenging time for my the right thing, I can always the day” that said, child, I was on the “Ask the server.” The tail end of several count on answered prayers. server came and weeks of a bad flaretook everyone’s up. A couple with order. When he got whom we hadn’t socialized recently asked to me, I said, “What is the fish of the day?” us to join them at a restaurant for dinner. His answer? “It’s a really clean swordfish.”

It was important to my husband to go, and I guess my specificity praying to my higher I didn’t want him to have to call his friend power worked. My meal came and it was and say, “I’m sorry, we can’t come. My wife no different than something I would have has a tummy ache.” I felt like it was the made at home, except I didn’t have to cook right thing to do to show up, but I didn’t it. I am so grateful to know that when I do want my stomach to get worse. So, I did what I know to be the right thing, I can alwhat I knew to do. I got down on my ways count on answered prayers. knees. I was very specific in my prayer. I Joanna S., Maryland, US 16

April 2024

Lighten Up!

M

Marital Stake

y husband and I bought a travel trailer and were lucky to take five camping trips last summer while our foster daughter was still with us.

Sitting around the campfire one night after I’d put her to bed, we finally had some time to ourselves. I pulled out my computer to return emails and work on another article submission for Connection. He asked what I was writing about, so I read it to him along with several others I’d submitted. I told him Connection

ANGIE R., NY

most of my articles tended to be for the Lighten Up column and that many were about him and our son because I get to see how differently I think about food, even in recovery. When he asked if he gets residuals, I told him, “You get half of whatever financial compensation I receive, which, of course, is nothing.” “However,” he says, “you get serenity from what you do. How do I get half of that?”

Angie R., New York, US 17

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.