July/August: Serenity. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

FA Stories of Recovery from Food Addiction

July/August 2023 $2.50

July/August 2023

Columns Qualification: The Sign that Saved My Life. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 First 90 Days: Last Day One. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 No Matter What: Ending the Struggle. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23 Lighten Up: Baking. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25

Features Cans, Bags, Boxes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 Opening the Door. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6 Growing Together. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .8 Never Just One. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 Hitting Bottom. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 The Gift of Sponsorship. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 The Best of Me. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 Change of Heart. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .18 Grief and Gratitude. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 Quiet Practice. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22

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Credits Cover Art: Wendy M., MA Graphic Design: Tickled Plum

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Glossary of Terms FA: Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous AA: Alcoholics Anonymous AWOL: A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps Big Book: Alcoholics Anonymous 1 Stone = 14 pounds 1 Kilo = approx. 2.2 pounds Copyright © 2023 Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous 400 W. Cummings Park, Suite 1700 Woburn, MA 01801-6572

Qualification

The Sign that Saved My Life

I

had been sober in Alcoholics Anonymous for 15 years, sponsored many AA fellows, done service at the meeting and intergroup level, and studied the steps, traditions, and concepts of world service. I had donated and put together a website for the local central office. I was “Mister Recovery,” don’t you know.

So when I saw a hand-written sign on the hospital information desk about a meeting for Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous, with a room number and a time, I was skeptical, to say the least. But the meeting started in ten minutes, and I could find the room. I decided to attend to see how badly they were messing up the traditions.

I was 70 pounds overweight, but I was sure there was no such thing as food addiction.

I thought I was just a weak-willed glutton.

I was unimpressed by the speaker, but there was a fellow who had lost 70 pounds.

If I lost 70 pounds I would weigh 160, which is a healthy weight for me. I was interested.

So I found a sponsor and decided I would follow instructions. He said, “Buy a digital scale.” As a photographer with a triple beam balance, I didn’t need to buy another connection

scale. Regardless, I found one at a local store. I discovered that I could put a bowl on it, press a button, and it went to zero.

Okay, I thought, maybe this guy knows what he is talking about. He wanted me to call him in the morning and report my food plan for the day. It felt kind of humiliating, but I could do that. And he wanted me to call on time, asking that I calibrate my watch with his. I thought he was some kind of nitpicker, but I could do that, if it was important to him.

He told me my FA day begins after the evening meal, when I would write down my food plan for the next day, making sure I had the food on hand so I wouldn’t need to go out and shop for it, or have any other excuse to not eat my committed food. This guy is a micromanager, I thought. But I had said I was willing to go to any lengths, so I followed instructions. He also instructed me to put all my food on the table before starting the meal. Was he going to tell me how to chew, too? But I said, “I can do that.” In five months, I lost 70 pounds. It worked. I had been struggling for years to lose that weight.

A few years later, my wife found a lump 1

in my abdomen, which turned out to be an abdominal aortic aneurysm, or triple A. Left untreated, these would burst, and a person would bleed internally and die. I had surgery and had a stent put in my aorta.

The aneurysm shrank around it, saving my life. Thank you, wife. Thank you, FA. I love being here above ground.

A few years after that, I noticed that I would get chest pain on exertion. I wound up in a room with a cardiologist, a treadmill, and an echocardiogram technician. I was diagnosed with clogged coronary arteries. My dad had that, and when he had triple coronary bypass surgery, he said he felt like he’d been hit by a truck. But this cardiologist was amazing.

He told me I had a foodborne condition and should not eat any meat, fish, chicken, eggs, dairy products, or any added oil or fat.

It sounded kind of extreme, but I was weighing and measuring my food anyway 2

and could change my menu slightly. After doing that for a few months, the chest pain went away. Again, lucky me.

I get to work with others and there is nothing more gratifying than witnessing a suffering food addict achieve goal weight, get into service, and become joyful. But this got kind of boring for me after a while.

I’m a realistic guy, and after being in Program for about 15 years, the rational voice in my head took stock of the situation and came to the conclusion that this isn’t rocket science. I know how to weigh and measLISA N., CAN ure my food, and I don’t need to do all this service. I’m 79 years old, have done lots of service in FA, and deserve a break. I was working with over 10 other members at the time, but I decided to let them all go and leave. I thought I could do this by myself, that it wouldn’t be that hard. Wrong! I discovered that without the support of my HP and fellows, I July/August 2023

was defenseless against the first bite. signs may seem inconsequential, but they When I returned to the program, I was are essential. welcomed as just another newcomer, When I first came into the program my thank God. sponsor directed me to sit in the front of Now the FA program is central to my the room and not fidget or look at my life. I'm retired and have lots of time to de- phone. I followed instructions. Nowadays, vote to my hobbies. But FA is not a hobby. I use a different strategy. I get to meetings This is a serious busiearly to help set up ness that I must atand sit in the back, Now the FA program tend to if I want to because that is stay alive. where newcomers is central to my life.

Remember that like to sit. They tend first FA meeting I I’m retired and have lots of time to arrive late, sneak attended? I later in quietly, and sit in to devote to my hobbies. learned that the regthe back. My happy ular sign person for hunting ground. I But FA is not a hobby. the meeting hadn’t offer a friendly shown up. The folks greeting and give This is a serious business setting up the meetthem my phone ing decided that it number. They rarely that I must attend to would be okay withcall, so I get their out the signs for this number and make if I want to stay alive. one meeting. Exthe first call. I walk cept for the fellow them to the literawho had lost 70 pounds. He decided to ture table at the break and make sure they hand write a sign and put it on the infor- get an introductory brochure. If I’m feelmation desk. That simple act saved my life. ing financially flush, I buy them a copy of I have a new appreciation for doing service the FA book. in the fellowship. Had he not written that I can’t do this by myself, but together, simple little sign, I wouldn’t be writing with a Higher Power’s help, we can accomtoday. My sweet wife would have had to plish miracles and have a wonderful time bury me a long time ago. Setting up chairs, doing it. opening up the room, and putting out Art H., California, US connection

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First 90 Days

Last Day One

I

spent over 30 years wanting to eat my brains out yet still have a thin body. I couldn’t or wouldn’t stop eating. So many diets failed because I was never willing to stop. It took me two years and eight months to finally get 90 days of continuous abstinence in FA. I gave my first sponsor a run for her money, challenging her at every step. I was a tough customer. No way would I have wanted to sponsor me in the beginning.

Every day it was, “Why do I have to do that? That makes no sense. Whose rule is that? Why, why, why?” So many questions! So much defiance. I was a brat. How she put up with me for as long as she did was puzzling. She was so patient. She had many suggestions, such as pray about it, take it to quiet time, write about it, make phone calls, etc. Of course, I did none of those things.

As time went on and everyone else was losing weight and changing and growing in recovery, I was stuck in the quicksand of my own making. I was getting more and more angry, sometimes at FA, at God, or at my sponsor, but never myself. I blamed everyone else.

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One day, I woke up and finally was sick and tired of myself, of not staying abstinent, and of eating. Everyone around me, all my program friends, were abstinent.

They had what I wanted. Why couldn’t I have that, too? I spent too long in “poor me.”

That was the day I finally got abstinent.

It was my last day one. It was the day I finally started working the program the way it’s supposed to be worked. I stopped doing my version and finally accepted that I didn’t know best. And guess what—it worked!

I got abstinent and stayed abstinent. I got my 90 days for the last time. I started taking suggestions even when I didn’t want to or when they made no sense to me. This is what was working for everyone else who followed the FA plan. I did what they did and I got what they had: abstinence, recovery, peace of mind, contentment, serenity.

It wasn’t always easy. There were some hard days in the beginning. But as I put days together, it got easier and easier. The results have been so worth it. I love my abstinent life today.

Nancy O., Florida, US July/August 2023

I

Cans, Bags, Boxes

used to buy deadly foods—at least for a purchase a bagged or boxed item. food addict—that were packaged in Today, my life is filled with food from the shiny bags, colorful cans, and tantalizing outskirts of the market—God-made foods, boxes. The food that would inevitably kill not factory foods. I shudder to think of the me threatened to lure me to a slow but even- years I “lived” on canned, bagged, and boxed tual death. Yet all the items, produced not while, I yearned for in a garden or on a Since FA, shopping those cleverly-defarm, but processed signed cans, bags, and the perimeter of the grocery in an industrial plant boxes that fed my adfor mass production, diction but never my laden with multisylstore has become soul. labic, unpronounceSince FA, shopping able chemicals. a new way of life. the perimeter of the My life today is grocery store has behealthy—body, mind, come a new way of life. I begin in the pro- and spirit. I don’t much miss those cans, duce section, then stop at the meats, and bags, and boxes. When I see coworkers or close out in the dairy friends microwaving aisle. Early on, while boxed foods or Today, my life is filled still losing weight, I stockpiling their never ventured down pantries and freezers with food from the outskirts with factory-made the center aisles for abstinent sustenance. items, I thank God I of the market—God-made It was not until venam in a healthier turing into mainteplace. I do not judge; foods, not factory foods. nance that I needed I am simply grateful or even dared pick that I am eating real, up a bag or box of grain. After months of whole, life-giving food. And that is fine eating primarily fresh produce, it was with me. strange and even peculiar to browse and Sheryn N., California, US connection

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W

Opening the Door

hen I came into FA, I heard people say that they “came for the vanity, but stayed for the sanity.” I did not relate to that initially.

I was so completely obsessed with thinness that vanity didn’t adequately express my lethal determination to have a skeletal frame. I was perfectly okay about shooting speed, because I thought that it would help me stay thin.

Every moment, every day, every year that I stay abstinent, my Higher Power chips away at that insane self-obsession. Having a stable weight has taken the power away from my disease. Working the Twelve Steps helps me live with integrity, and doing FA service gives me a sense of authentic self-esteem that being grossly un6

derweight never did.

An added bonus of the FA lifestyle is that disfiguring acne, which I have battled and despaired over for most of my life, has become far less acute. Prior to FA, I remember telling myself that it was okay to have a red and painfully swollen face, because guys mostly looked at my body. I thought that being really skinny compensated for my woefully unattractive face. Today, I don’t have to think like that. In fact, it has been a big surprise to me that people SUSAN D., CA o c c a s i o n a l l y compliment me on my skin. I have learned to take care of it, and now I enjoy putting on mud masks.

The other day I had an experience that showed me that my Higher Power is making progress on melting my burdensome July/August 2023

mountain of vanity. I was sitting in my good and everything was in place. In fact, apartment happily working on a term I remember numerous times when the paper while my mud mask faithfully dried cops were knocking on the door. There my skin and pulled out toxins. I heard an was no way I would open up. My apartinsistent knock at my door. From past ex- ment was strewn with food, booze, and perience, I guessed that it was either my drug paraphernalia. mailman or neighbor. Neither of them Other memories are of family members, liked waiting for me to get “gussied” up be- boyfriends, or friends who sought enfore opening the door, so I just got up from trance. But I couldn’t open up if I was in my desk and walked to the door, green face the middle of a binge, with my stomach and all. grossly distended, face bleeding from My neighbor asked if I had something on scratching, plastic bags spread all over the my face. I said, “Yep, it’s a mud mask.” He floor with huge chunks of partially eaten was disinterested meals, and gallons of and went on to tell sugary liquid to wash I am so glad that every day it all down. me a story that simply couldn’t wait. I I am so glad that I am in this angelic listened and made every day I am in this appropriate noises. I FA program FA program I get to become angelic even went over to his I get to become apartment to help more and more accustomed more and more achim with some stuff. customed to living a He was moving and transparent life to living a transparent life. needed moral supwhere I get to be the port and a rag to same person clean his kitchen. Because I wasn’t overly whether the door is open or closed. Preconcerned with my appearance or any- tending to be okay took up 99% of my enthing else, I was able to be present for him ergy. FA and my Higher Power have put and reap the subtle, spiritual rewards that my food addiction in remission and given come from giving people a little bit of time me that lost energy to devote to things that and attention when they need it. I never really matter, such as being able to provide could have done this without FA. support and love to my family, fellows, Back in my active addict days, I didn’t an- friends, and community. swer the door for anyone unless I looked Susan D., California, US connection

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S

Growing Together

ponsoring and being sponsored has taught me many life lessons.

My controlling, over-powering, temper-driven behavior as a mother may have been acceptable in my son’s early years, but wouldn’t have gotten either of us through his teen years.

Lessons from sponsoring helped me have a better relationship with my teenage son than many of his friends have with their parents. His friends dubbed me the “cool mom.” I didn’t buy them alcohol or let them have parties, but I had rules and kept to those rules, which were actually deemed more stringent and militant than those at his friends’ houses. Yet his friends were often envious and in awe that he felt safe to tell me just about anything, and that I could hear what he had to say with the wisdom to just listen without being judgmental.

Today, my son calls me frequently with business and life questions. He values my opinion of his relationships, hardships, and successes. He doesn’t always take my advice, but I realize he has his own journey and sometimes the best lessons are ones learned through trial and error. And sometimes the lesson is that I don’t know best, and his decision was the best one for 8

him at that moment.

It is through sponsoring that I learned I can share my experience and thoughts on a matter, but I cannot control the outcome. I discovered I can’t want people to do something if they don’t want to do it themselves. I seem to be more effective if I give people space to ask for help rather than just jump in and “save the day.”

Sponsoring helped me become a better manager at work, too. I had been promoted to an assistant manager a few years before I found FA, but I was floundering.

I constantly found myself covering for my employees’ shortcomings because I didn’t know how to train them, and I was driven not to fail or miss a deadline.

Many were let go or quit under the strain of not being able to meet the high standards of the other managers, when really it was me setting standards that were too low and then rushing to make up the difference.

I was also prone to want to be a friend to the people I managed, more than their mentor. I wanted everyone to get along and like each other, but mainly to like me.

This made giving feedback more challenging because these were my eating and drinking buddies after hours, which was July/August 2023

more precious to me than building a solid, strong professional staff.

Today I am a manager of a growing team. From sponsoring and having my own sponsor, I have become more honest and able to provide positive and constructive feedback. Where once I used to hide from difficult conversations, I now talk through them.

Today I had to tell an employee that I promoted someone else over her. Both are excellent workers, but I knew my relationship with the other person was more cohesive and that they had more experience.

Before the meeting, I highlighted all the good qualities that made her a strong candidate. I investigated training and projects that would enhance her skills to make her more qualified if future managerial positions opened. Taking quiet time and praying before our meeting helped connection

tremendously.

But I am still a food addict. In the aftermath of giving her the disappointing news, my first thought was to estimate the time until my lunch hour, but it wasn’t the food I was after. It was a “break” to deal with the emotions of having to be the bearer of bad news, and the underlying fear of “what if I picked the wrong person for the job?”

After more than ten years of abstinence, discomfort and food still go hand-in-hand in my brain. That’s how I know that FA is right where I need to be. Sometimes that has also happened with sponsees. I had to GALEN F., FL deliver hard observations about their FA recovery and I then wanted to run and hide. But rather than running, I knew to pick up the phone the next day and help us both grow, through the tool of sponsoring.

Karen W., Washington, US 9

W

Never Just One

hen I think about the phrase “special treat,” I picture a decadent, over-thetop baked good. As a food addict, however, I could never have just one of those items. The real problem for me was the word “treat.” For me, it was never singular; it was always plural. “Treats” was more accurate for this food addict. I had so many different treats that choosing just one would be like picking which of my children is my favorite. It was easier for me to list every item in the grocery store and then eliminate items that were not my treats. That list would be a whole lot shorter.

The grocery store was like a vacation to my favorite destination, except that I always got sunburned. Each time, I swore it would be different. I would get only the food I needed to be healthy, and I would stick to my shopping list. However, the moment those soft lights hit my eyes, the elevator music soothed, and the aromas of free samples wafted to my nose, I was mesmerized and forgot about my list. I would spend time wandering up and down each aisle looking for that special treat to hit the spot for whatever emotion I was attempting to numb out. Had it 10

been a bad day? Aisle 14, candy. Perhaps I was celebrating. Aisle 7, salty crispy snacks. A really bad day? Both those aisles and each one in between. I would lose time in the store just like I did when I surfed the internet or watched a program on TV. I’d see families shopping with coupons and hear sounds of people talking and voices making announcements, but nothing fully registered. Those voices could’ve been warning that the building was on fire and to exit quickly, but I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have heard them. I was in the food zone. My mission was purposeful; get my treats, pay (for items I hadn’t already eaten as I sampled from bags and boxes not yet purchased), organize and pack so all my treats were together in one bag, get to the car, put the nontreats in the back, and put my binge food bag in front with me. This mission was usually completed with perfect accuracy; I had it down to a science.

Driving home, I would just eat, eat, and eat some more. Sometimes I’d end up in my driveway and not remember how I got there. Then I would peer over at the empty wrappers wondering how it had happened again. Sadness would set in, and then shame, guilt, and finally anger. I July/August 2023

would promise myself I wouldn’t do that again. I’d hide the wrappers in the outside garbage can. If I was too lazy, I would bring them in and hide them under garbage in our kitchen trash bin. I would then spend the rest of the day trying to forget my special treats, and I would pray that this was my last binge.

It was about seven years ago when I entered the doors to my first FA meeting and saw recovery. I was not at my highest weight when I dragged myself into that building, but my brain weighed a ton, and I wanted to lose that weight the most.

Since that day, I lost about 30 pounds and kept it off, except for the two healthy pregnancies and three beautiful children connection

I had during that time. With the help of my sponsors and fellows, I was able to gain a normal amount of weight during my pregnancies and then lose it in a healthy and timely way after giving birth.

Today, I am truly blessed. I now know that those “special treats” were actually poison to me. Now that phrase means something entirely different. My special treats are extra sleep, more time with my family, moments when my husband cleans the bathroom without my (gentle) reminders, sunshine, long runs, and laughter. The only way I can truly enjoy these special treats is through abstinence and recovery, one day at a time.

Elizabeth G., North Carolina, US 11

Hitting Bottom

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hen I was a preschooler my parents brought me to a local construction site with a large hole. For them, it was the start of a residential basement. For me, it was a wonderment. I must have gotten too close to the edge because I vaguely remember my mother scolding me. For reasons unknown, that hole was such a magnetic attraction to me that I walked out of my yard all alone, went through an alley, crossed a set of active train tracks and at least one city street to return to that mysterious and fascinating pit.

Many years later, that childhood memory was reignited during an AA meeting.

This was before the pandemic when all FA meetings were in person. When there were no local FA meetings, we attended other Twelve Step meetings. At that AA meeting, we read from the book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, in which one of the founders talks about “reaching bottom.” I began to envision my own bottom as it related to food addiction. I asked an AA what a bottom is, and the response was “the decision to stop digging.”

My food hole began when I was about five years old when I snuck sugar from the 12

cupboard. It became a regular habit until I got caught. A few years later, I noticed a strange pattern begin to develop. Between Halloween and Valentine’s Day, I couldn’t stop eating sugar products, which were plentiful during that time period. Once I started eating, I couldn’t stop. When my treats were gone, I begged for others’ treats. When there were no good ones left, I happily finished all the sweets nobody liked. I only stopped looking when there was nothing to find.

My food obsession grew exponentially when I was introduced to bulimia at the age of 14. I estimate that I crossed the invisible line into full-blown addiction at age 20, when I deliberately turned to destructive eating as a coping mechanism. With each bite, swallow, and eating-disorder misbehavior, my hole grew deeper and wider. By the time I came to FA, I had been bulimic for 45 years, feeling hopeless and powerless.

In 2019, I called the main FA office for information and was given the name of a fellow in a nearby state. I talked to four people before I found my sponsor, who listened to my story. When she asked when I wanted to start, I briefly hesitated July/August 2023

WENDY M., MA

before reluctantly replying, “Tomorrow?” With a brand-new food scale, a meal plan, and the gift of desperation, I began FA the next day.

Over time, I was given the FA tools, which I began incorporating into my daily life. I became healthier and stronger each time I used a tool. If asked today what my favorite tool is, I would have to answer all of them, because I need each one to keep me on track. My excessive hunger for food began to diminish while my hunger for recovery began to blossom. connection

Over time, I learned just how powerless and unmanageable I am in disease. I was taught about the phenomenon of craving that triggers overwhelming physical urges for me to eat and eat and eat. I also began to understand the mental obsession that lured me back to food even while abstinent. I can’t forget the spiritual component of my addiction, the root of which is selfishness and self-centeredness.

Despite using the FA tools and having basic knowledge of Steps One through Three, I remained in my hole. My ascent 13

came as I began taking actions related to of how others discovered this transformthe rest of the steps. I was told that this ing way of life. work was never done alone, so with the Today my food bottom is becoming a help of my Higher Power and my fellows, distant memory, yet its lure is still real and I climbed upward, step by step, until I felt powerful. Bottoms can be high, medium, the earth beneath my feet, the warmth of or low, and any bottom can become the sun radiating down, and the wind lower and lower if digging blowing around me. r e s u m e s . Ev e r y I began to experifood addict digs his ence the promises of Stop digging, reach out for help, or her own hole one the Big Book and to bite, one spoonful at gain a new perspec- find the pathway of recovery, a time. I know how tive of the world and prone I am to wander and become spiritually fit. off my part in it. the path of recovToday, I continue ery in order to make Many in the world to use the FA tools my way back to that and work the Steps, are afflicted with this malady mysterious entity both with fervor. I that wants to drag experienced the me down and keep of food addiction, start of an FA felme there. Since my lowship near me and together we can reach hole was so deep bewith one meeting fore Program, I can more who still suffer. per week, suppleonly imagine the mented by two harm that would other committed come if I hit bottom meetings. I now have the privilege of again. In FA, I know that help is just a prayer sponsoring FA fellows and helping any- or phone call away. Just for today, my prayer one with food addiction. I pray daily for is that I stop digging, reach out for help, maximum effectiveness, service, and pro- find the pathway of recovery, and become ductivity, and I try to make each day a spiritually fit. Many in the world are afgood day with God’s help. All these flicted with this malady of food addiction, tools help keep me in a fit spiritual condi- and together we can reach more who still tion, and my hunger and thirst for recov- suffer. ery grows. I never tire of hearing stories Mary F., South Carolina, US 14

July/August 2023

The Gift of Sponsorship

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hen I began attending FA a plained how to apply FA everywhere. little less than a year ago, it Now I realize that underneath all that was difficult to find a spon- whining was a terrible fear of failure. Fortusor. There was nobody with time avail- nately, I was quite desperate to lose weight. able at either my first or second meetings, I was impressed by the success of the memand the experienced FA members didn’t bers I had met, and I was absolutely conhave a referral for me. vinced that God wanted me to follow this At a meeting soon after, a very pretty, program. I was also convinced that God fashionably-dressed wanted me to get lady about my age started right away I have been tremendously and to be obedient. came up to me and offered to sponsor Knowing it was abhappy to get my miserable solutely what I was me, at least temporarily to get me started. supposed to do, I did weight problem under control We sat on the steps what I was told. I outside the church made a list of the inand feel freedom at last where we had just atstructions, went to tended a meeting and the store, and then from addictive eating. she went over the called my sponsor food plan with me. I bright and early the scribbled down the information and asked next morning. lots of questions.

At first, it was difficult to eat so much at I admit that I complained quite a lot in once instead of grazing all afternoon and that first meeting with my sponsor. I gener- evening, but I made that change. It quickly ally disliked raw vegetables and had no idea became quite comfortable not to snack. how I would eat all those salads. I traveled After just a week or two, I had adjusted and for work and couldn’t imagine taking the felt terrific. My sponsor said that God was food program on the road. She listened pa- doing for me what I could not do for mytiently to all my complaints and, apparently self, and gradually I realized the absolute used to whiners, patiently and simply ex- truth of that statement. connection

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I also worried about not weighing myself for a whole month, since I was quite afraid that I wouldn’t lose any weight. My sponsor just said that I’d lose weight, wait and see, and of course, she was right. I lost ten pounds that first month, and I continued to lose steadily until I reached my goal weight.

I went from a size 22 to size 8. I transformed from a dowdy, drab dresser to picking out and wearing stylish outfits. I had my hair cut in a shorter, trendier style and now my very talented stylist is coming to FA, too. I have been tremendously happy to get my miserable weight problem under control and feel freedom at last from addictive eating. I not only gave up snacking, I stopped being obsessed with sugary foods.

Healthy foods started tasting wonderful to me. My health improved in a dozen ways.

All my medical and lab numbers are better and my foot pain evaporated. I am in my sixties and taking stairs at a run.

I know my sponsor really didn’t have spare time to take me on, so I am grateful that she has nonetheless spent a tremendous amount of time supporting me during the past year out of her soft-hearted, generous willingness to serve others. She is the best listener I know. She prays for me and my family. When asked how she is today, she usually replies, “I’m blessed to be a blessing,” which describes her perfectly.

Diana S., Texas, US 16

Twelve Traditions 1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or FA as a whole.

5. Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the food addict who still suffers.

6. An FA group ought never endorse, finance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9. FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous July/August 2023

The Best of Me

“M

y recovery is keeping me from being the person I want to be.” Yes, I actually said that to my sponsor one morning, when I shared the latest problems I was having as I started my new business.

Rather than being impulsive with the purchase of a very big and expensive piece of equipment, I’d done a lot of research on the machine I wanted, talked with others who had the same brand, and discussed it at length with my husband before applying for a loan.

I bought the new machine, with a new warranty and good tech support from the dealership and company, and I traveled to the dealership for training. Somehow, I thought doing all this footwork would guarantee I’d have no problems.

Well, backordered parts doubled the delivery time, assembly instructions were not as simple as promised, and defective parts, which the company would replace but not ship overnight, all set me back a couple weeks. I shared with my sponsor that, despite my growing frustration, I had handled phone calls with the various people at the company better than I had thought possible.

I had been so aggravated about the delays connection

and annoyed about not getting my way that I wanted to revert to my old practices of complaining, arguing, and manipulating. I wanted to tell everyone how wrong they were to not do things exactly as I expected.

I wanted to tell the dealership they could come get the stupid machine.

But I didn’t do any of those things. I realized that my recovery did keep me from being the person I wanted to be at each of these moments—thank you God! I am, after all, the kind of person I want to be!

I’m grateful that, during my time in FA, I’m constantly reminded about the importance of separating my feelings from my actions.

I’ve been shown that with every uncomfortable situation, I have an opportunity to take the right action, despite how I might be feeling. Because I take the right action, I usually end up feeling better about myself.

Seeking solutions in boxes, bags, and cartons of sugar and flour products never made me feel better about myself. Nor did telling people off, whether it seemed justified or not. Letting go of addictive eating opened a door to have God in my life, and each time I let go of trying to get my own way, that door opens a little more for God’s way.

That’s the person I want to be.

Angie R., New York, US 17

Change of Heart

A

few days ago, it was the eighth an- She was willing to travel and was with me, in niversary of the first day I walked person, when I gave away my Fifth Step. She into the FA rooms. I remember so held my hand through the fear-filled, life-givclearly the desperation I felt. I was trying so ing experience of working the Ninth Step as hard to lose weight and instead, was gaining I made amends to an old enemy. five pounds a month. I was terrified.

After a few years, however, the differences When I walked between us began to into that first FA outweigh the harWhen it was time to share, mony. Hard feelings meeting, I found hope. These people started to surface. I I stood and told my fellows knew understood me. They I needed a spoke out loud what of the impact of this experience. change. I was able to I had only thought in secure another sponmy squirrelly mind. sor I had admired They proved that their willingness to do a from afar and ended the relationship with few simple things provided them with a life my first sponsor. Unfortunately, I did not feel truly worth living. comfortable with how it ended. Despite the Before I left that meeting, I had a tempo- discomfort, I did not call her to talk about rary sponsor. By the next day, I had a full- this, and she did not call me. For years, I felt time sponsor. She lived in a different state, the relationship was unresolved. I prayed. and although I hadn’t met her in person, I Not long ago, a former sponsee, who had learned through our conversations that she chosen to be sponsored by someone else, had what I wanted—many years of con- called me after a time of quiet between us. tented abstinence. However, we were very She simply wanted to thank me. I stated that different. Our backgrounds and upbringing we both knew that it was God at work in her were polar opposites. I was amazed by the life, and she said, “Yes, but you were the one depth of her spiritual life. She would often who picked up the phone every morning.” ask me during our morning telephone calls, What a lovely thing to say, I thought, so kind “Where’s God in this?” and generous.

She guided me through my first AWOL. So as it happened, on my eighth birthday 18

July/August 2023

in FA, I was scheduled to lead an FA meeting using a qualification recording. When it started, I couldn’t believe it. I recognized the voice of my first sponsor. At first, I crossed my arms and my legs. I felt defensive. Then God began to work on me. I realized I was simply listening to another suffering food addict. She had done the best she could as

I thought it no coincidence that, on this milestone day, the one who got me started should be the one we listened to. I described my change of heart as I listened and explained that, as a result of working the program, I could fully accept my first sponsor.

In fact, I loved her, knowing we are all broken, all addicts in recovery, and all doing the

DOUG A., NH

my sponsor. And frankly, looking back, I realized she did a great job. She had given me a solid foundation of abstinence.

By the end of the qualification, I had uncrossed my arms and legs, moved to the edge of my seat, and was truly listening. I was able to hear her story separately from me for the first time. I felt as if I was standing beside her in gratitude for all that the FA program had given us. We were travelers together on the journey of recovery.

When it was time to share, I stood and told my fellows of the impact of this experience. connection

best we can to be of service to one another.

After the meeting, a fellow nudged me and asked, “Why don’t you call her?” This thought rolled around in my mind and heart and it dawned on me that I finally had the words to say to her. After some quiet time, I called. Miraculously, she picked up. I told her that I simply wanted to thank her.

She said that we both knew it was God at work in my life, and I said, “Yes, but you were the one who picked up the phone every morning.”

Anonymous 19

Grief and Gratitude

A

bout a year ago, very suddenly, my life became unmanageable.

I didn’t binge or skip a meal. I didn’t indulge in flour and sugar. My husband of 33 years took his last breath.

His medical condition had been touch and go for 20 days. Because I was not permitted to be with him at the hospital due to COVID, the telephone was our only way to communicate.

I had been a member of FA for 11 years when I lost my beloved husband, and for this, I am truly blessed. I could never have survived without the FA tools and Twelve Steps. I was on the Fourth Step of my AWOL, but it felt like I was still on the First Step as I witnessed my life falling apart around me, not because of my addiction to food, but rather due to the unforeseen death of my husband. It felt like half of me was missing and yet I was expected to continue as if I were still whole.

FA fellows reminded me that I still had to get up in the morning, get on my knees, ask God for help, and have a weighed-and-measured breakfast. This was the only thing that seemed normal in the midst of my personal tragedy.

Everything in my life had changed. I be20

came responsible for paying bills and doing all the tasks related to the loss of a family member. I was planning the funeral and taking heartfelt condolence calls from family, friends, and associates.

It was overwhelming. My heart was broken during this entire grieving process.

I am grateful that God put people in place to help me. I just had to accept that help, which has always been difficult for me. I will never forget my sponsor’s words when I told her the news. She said, “Have your sister make your food; she knows what you eat.” Then the next day, my thoughtful sponsor brought me all the food I needed for an entire week!

A year before this tragedy, my sponsor suggested that I send her a list every day of three things for which I was grateful.

During my quiet time one morning, I realized that I could find three ways to be grateful if I really made the effort.

Even during this terribly painful period of my life, I have gratitude for the people God placed in my life and for the time these lovely and gracious people took to be there for my family and me. The gratitude I felt for each and every person in my life truly allowed me to ease my grief.

While doing my Fourth Step, my July/August 2023

sponsor spotted a cardinal at her win- after decades of matrimony, I still have dow and read me a poem about a red much for which to be thankful! Graticardinal showing up in a family’s life tude, even in loss, is a tool for my recovafter the loss of their loved one. I no- ery. ticed a cardinal that very day and with Despite all the pain of mourning that grateful tears in my eyes, I felt like my I felt, I recognize how much my hushusband was checking in on me. The band loved me. His last text said that he simple melody of that cardinal’s song loved me more than I would ever know. gave me immense comfort.

I am finding out that what he said was My sponsor also true. I had the gift suggested that I of loving and being make plans with I witnessed my life falling apart loved by a wonderothers during the ful man, my partaround me, not because of my weekends and the ner for over 30 summer while I years. I’m grateful addiction to food, but rather for wasn’t working in the gifts of givorder to fend off ing and receiving due to the unforeseen death such loneliness. So I great love. tried playing pickGrieving isn’t a of my husband. It felt like leball, which was path that I chose fun. And I spent half of me was missing and yet and it isn’t an easy the month of July journey. I can’t reconnecting with I was expected to continue imagine going family in Michithrough the stages as if I were still whole. gan. of grief while still I have remained eating addictively. abstinent despite With FA, I have the tragedy in my life. The grace of God, hope; addictive eating stole my hope. I the FA fellowship, and support from my am not sure how long my grieving family have sustained my recovery. It process will take, but I am sure that my baffles my mind to believe that when I FA family will be there to love and supneeded the comfort of flour and sugar port me along this journey of joy, pain, the most, it was never an option I enter- loving, and letting go. tained. Even though I lost my husband Sandy H., Florida, US connection

21

Quiet Practice

C

oming into recovery five years ago, I wasn’t sure if I could do all the disciplines of the program as suggested to me by my sponsor: phone calls, meetings, weighing and measuring my food, etc. However, I was willing to try and do these things. At the end of my initial meeting with my sponsor, she also mentioned quiet time. She said that it needed to be taken prior to my phone call with her, that it was to be a half-hour long, and that I couldn’t swim for a half hour in the pool and count that as my quiet time, even though I prayed through much of it. Could I use this time to write that day’s to-do list? No. Could I use it to read? No. For 30 minutes, I would have to be still.

Today, my quiet time is not perfect; it is 30 minutes of practice every morning. I practice turning off the never-ending loops of my family situations, work problems, financial worries, relationship issues, and addict obsessions. My quiet time is 30 minutes of love I give myself every day. It is where I let my higher power hold me. I give over all my fears, doubts, and insecurities and replace them with peace and serenity. Quiet time is essential to my recovery journey and has become the favorite part of my day.

Lisa M., Michigan, US 22

Twelve Steps 1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

July/August 2023 Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

No Matter What

Ending the Struggle

I

n the same week, I left a relationship of I thought not having snacks between almost three years and two days later meals was absurd and abstinence from was offered my dream job. In the past, flour and sugar impossible. Yet I wanted either of these events would have been ex- what my fellows had, so I did what was sugcuses for eating. And yet, I didn’t. A part of gested. I figured I could do anything for 90 me didn’t realize the importance of this days. until I was sharing at an FA meeting and In the past, a relationship breakup would noticed the expressions on people’s faces. I have triggered a binge in order to check am so grateful for out, to reinforce a this program besense that I was not cause with almost The truth is that I’m not alone. attractive, and to three years of abstikeep people away. I I have a fellowship of people nence in FA, I did would have watched not have to eat my my clothes getting I know and who know me. way through these tighter and tighter, experiences. and my shirts getting Before FA, I was one of those people who bigger and bigger so I could hide under repeatedly lost and gained the same 30 them. With this breakup, I continued to pounds for years. I started by joining a pop- weigh and measure my food. I didn’t want ular commercial weight-loss program at to think about getting close to 50 years old age 19 and came into FA at age 46. Before and being alone again.

FA, I was tracking my weight with elec- The truth is that I’m not alone. I have a feltronic tools. Every day I struggled. Weigh- lowship of people I know and who know ing 148 pounds had felt like a crisis, yet my me. I have my family and friends. I have weight when I left that commercial diet friends in FA that I go running with. I am program was higher than when I started. loved and I love others.

I hoped I would be a “tourist” in FA rather My addiction wants me to feel alone so than a permanent resident. When I started, that I will fall into a pit of despair. It even connection

23

tells me that the dream job is not worth the days following travel and work, I was so anything if I don’t have someone to share it exhausted that I couldn’t think. In addition, with. My fellows have watched me try to the job didn’t pay enough, so I always held find this job for years and have supported a second or third job, and sometimes a me. For the first time in my life, I really have fourth. people cheering for me. But my addiction I am slowly uncovering the many blessings wants to undermine of this new position. my recovery and Still, it is a huge Simply weighing and send me back into change, which has the compulsion to measuring my committed food disoriented me. Simeat. ply weighing and With all that’s keeps me from the train wreck measuring my comgoing on, it’s hard to mitted food keeps I would have been without me from the train figure out when I’m truly hungry. The wreck I would have this program. The constant been without this good thing about this program is that program. The conangst of trying to lose weight stant angst of trying I don’t have to figure that out. I weigh and to lose weight was was like quicksand. measure my comlike quicksand. The mitted food and eat more I struggled, the The more I struggled, on the timetable my deeper I sank. Now I sponsor and I have don’ t have to struggle. the deeper I sank. agreed upon. It is I follow a simple set the same set of prac- Now I don’t have to struggle. of tools and plan for tices I have had since eating, and the rest I first came into Protakes care of itself. gram and it still works.

I heard someone say in a meeting, when I It has been such a relief to find a job close was very new to FA, that if you weigh and to home, that’s in my profession, and that measure your food the rest of life will work pays enough. I had been working basically itself out. More and more I trust in that as an intern for six years, traveling 275 miles truth. round-trip three times every two weeks. In Anne W., California, US 24

July/August 2023

SUSAN M., NY

Lighten Up!

W

Baking

hen my grandson was about six, my daughter and I took him apple picking. We each got big bags of apples. We talked about what we were going to do with them all. I said that many people bake things, like pies or apple desserts.

He looked at me and said, “My mommy doesn’t bake—just carrots.”

This was from a child whose mother had been in FA his whole life and still is in FA 30 years later!

Anne S., Massachusetts, US connection

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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.