March 2023: Keep it Simple. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

FA Stories of Recovery from Food Addiction

March 2023 $2.50

Keep it Simple

March 2023

Columns Qualification: A Matter of Time. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 First 90 Days: Lifeboat of Recovery. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 No Matter What: Staying for the Miracles. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Lighten Up: Truth Be Told. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

Features Good Enough. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6 Roller Coaster of Emotion. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 Facing the Truth. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 Opening a New Door. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Groundhog Day. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14

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Credits Cover Art: Linda W., FL Graphic Design: Tickled Plum

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Glossary of Terms FA: Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous AA: Alcoholics Anonymous AWOL: A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps Big Book: Alcoholics Anonymous 1 Stone = 14 pounds 1 Kilo = approx. 2.2 pounds Copyright © 2023 Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous 400 W. Cummings Park, Suite 1700 Woburn, MA 01801-6572

Qualification

A Matter of Time

I

thought I just had a problem with sugar. I weighed 126 pounds and was 5-feet, 4-inches tall, but I knew if I did not find a way to control my eating, I would be well over 200 pounds. It was just a matter of time.

I am the youngest of five children and grew up in the suburbs in a middle-class family. My mother got married late in life and started having children at 32 years old.

In the 1960s, that was considered late. She had five children in five years.

I was the baby of the family. My oldest sister took care of my emotional needs and my second oldest sister took care of my physical needs. My sister cooked for me and I would eat it all. Later, when she started to work, she gave me money and I spent it on sugar. When I was a child, I could eat anything I wanted, whenever I wanted, and not gain weight. I was a hyperactive, shy, athletic, philosophical kid. I always felt that something was wrong with me and I did a lot of searching. Before FA, I can truly say all my decisions were based on fear, who I hung out with, what school I went to, and what job I had.

I started to gain weight and became obconnection

sessed with my body was when I was in my last year of college. I commuted to school until my father sold the house. I had one more year of school and had to find a place to live. I was too scared to live in the dorms, so I lived with my sister. I remember leaving her house at midnight, going to a fast-food restaurant, being physically filled up but still feeling empty inside.

That summer I became obsessed with my weight. I felt fat if I weighed anything over 115 pounds. I worked at a restaurant.

When I made mistakes with the orders and preparations, I wolfed down the mistakes in seconds. Afterwards, I would weigh myself, go running, and then reweigh myself.

If you told me I was a food addict in those days, I would have denied it and said that I could control my eating. In my twenties, I found myself eating almost a whole bag of a sugar product. When I realized it, I was able to put it down. Several years later, I thought, I can put it down, I just don't want to. But by my thirties, I could not put it down. I had lost control.

During these years, I tried cognitive behavioral therapy, a variety of support 1

groups, a medicine woman (spiritual healer), and a homeopath. I did inner child work, trauma therapy, and regular therapy.

I tried Reiki, Tai Chi, and finally saw a nutritionist. After trying the suggested nutritional plan for one week, I got to my goal weight of 115 pounds, but I was still miserable. I just ended up eating junk food. I was full of regret and remorse. I decided to go to another Twelve-Step program for food issues, but I knew that was not my answer.

I thank God and the person who submitted information about FA to my newspaper. I knew that was it, I am a food addict.

I had no idea what that meant, but intuitively knew this was the answer I was looking for all my life.

At age 36, I went to my first meeting because I couldn’t stop eating. I sat there feeling restless, irritable, and discontent, but I saw hope. People were thin, happy, and talking about how they were not eating flour and sugar. I didn’t know about the flour but I knew about the sugar. I thought I could do FA on my own. I didn’t eat addictively for one week, but the next Saturday while I was babysitting my niece and nephew, I took one bite of a flour product.

I was back in the cupboards, eating nonstop. My nephew asked me, “Auntie, why are you eating that stuff, I thought you were allergic to it?” I did not have an an2

swer. Today, I know it’s because I am a food addict and, at the time, I did not have a recovery plan.

The next day I went to an FA meeting that was 90 minutes away. I had to stop at three different fast-food restaurants along the way. The speaker of the meeting was somewhat thin, about my height, and weighed 123 pounds. Though I thought she was heavy, I liked what she had. She had a boyfriend, a car, and a job and she didn’t have any fear that these things were going to be taken away from her. She asked God for help. She had confidence in herself because of her relationship with her Higher Power.

I went up to her at the break, but I was too scared to ask for help. I was grateful because she asked me if I thought I was a food addict and if I wanted some help. I said yes to both questions.

When she wrote down the food plan, all I could say was, “What if it does not work?” I cried. She said to try it for one day. I got what I needed at the store and tried it for one day. I felt fat. She gave me the maintenance food plan because, technically, I didn’t have weight to lose. It seemed like a lot of food. Again, she said to try it for another day. I weighed and measured and ate what I committed even though I did not want to.

I realized afterward that was my first spirMarch 2023

Twelve Steps itual experience in FA. I did something I didn’t want to do. I weighed myself within a week and I lost nine pounds. Then I knew that my mind and body were disconnected, so I decided to follow my sponsor's suggestions, do every tool every day, and read the AA Big Book.

In the beginning, I thought I couldn't keep doing this program. Then my next thought was, How can I not? I decided to evaluate whether to stay after 90 days.

Thank you God, I got better mentally, physically, and spiritually. By the time 90 days came, I began to love the program and this wonderful way of life. I loved the fellowship. I did not know how lonely I had been.

Through gratitude, abstinence, and service I now live a wonderful life and am so grateful. I grew closer to all my family members. I got to really know my parents and love them.

My fellowship has shown up for me more than just by supporting me to not eat addictively. I was able to rely on them when my parents got sick and passed away.

I had their support while dating, getting married, being in a happy marriage, and getting a job that I love.

Who would have thought I would be in FA for 21 years? The miracles keep on coming.

Tricia H., Massachusetts, US connection

1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous3

First 90 Days

Lifeboat of Recovery

I

was drowning in my emotions and felt possessed when it came to food.

My mother had just died and part of me wanted to go with her. I couldn’t stop eating even though I was making myself sick. I was having insatiable cravings for food and eating much more than I intended. When I started FA 15 years ago, my weight was 175 pounds. I’m a food addict who uses food to numb myself.

I used food to take the edge off my moods. When I got overwhelmed, I wanted to stuff myself so I could escape and not feel. I come from a family where you didn’t feel or talk about feelings; you got through it and moved on. Events happened but there was never reflection, discussion, or acknowledgement that something happened. I have been escaping for most of my life. Food was a comforting part of that escape.

I have an allergy that affects my mind, body, and spirit. The sugar hijacks my system, affects my moods, and takes me on an emotional rollercoaster. When I start eating sugar and flour I want to eat more.

I’m unstoppable.

The death of my mother triggered feel4

ings of powerlessness and helplessness. Although I had been in FA for 15 years, after my mother died, I realized that I had not been abstinent and needed to start over with a different sponsor. I went to a meeting, got the name of a sponsor, and called her. She said she would sponsor me if I could answer yes to two questions. First, was I willing to go to any length to stay abstinent? Second, was I willing to share this program with other fellows? I said yes to both, and she told me to call her at 6 am. I was relieved that she was willing to sponsor me and that I could call her every day.

She explained how she did her program, and I sat there like a kindergartener taking in all the information. I appreciated the structure and roadmap she gave me. My new sponsor had sent me a lifeboat.

Although I was detoxing and felt tired, irritable, and moody with others, I also felt peaceful knowing I had the tools I needed to stop misusing food. Going food shopping and preparing food was not normally a fun or happy experience, but I suddenly found myself enjoying the preparation of meals. My kitchen is now my sacred space to heal, where I can access my higher March 2023

power. I feel like a magician with a magic lious and wanted to regain the peace and formula. stability I had in the first 30 days. Overall, However, 30 days into my abstinence, I enjoyed the continuous weight loss and my sponsor connot being driven fronted me about solely by foodone of my behavbased desires. iors and I found I have now commy inner teenager pleted my 90 days rising up. I started and I am stronger to feel arrogant and healthier for about not needit; I currently ing the structure weigh 134 pounds that she had put in and my cholesplace. The rules terol has gone started to repredown, too. I resent chains rather cently completed than freedom a half marathon from my addicand can enjoy tion. But then I playing with my started to see the grandkids withbenefits of the out being trigPETRA S., DEU program. I realgered by their ized I had only a food. My inner few options. I loving parent is I went from using food could start over running the show, as a drug to treating food with a new pronot my inner gram, come to teenager. I went as a medicine. terms with where from using food as a drug to treatI was in this program, or give up. I concluded that there ing food as a medicine. I can listen and not were more benefits if I just stuck with the be defensive. Today, I can show empathy plan. I wanted the peace this sponsor had to myself and others.

Tamar W., California, US around food. I was tired of being rebelconnection

5

Good Enough

I

was raised in a stable, loving home, and had an easy childhood. I was competent at sports and schoolwork. I was lucky to have good friends all through school and two older sisters who paved the way for me in life. I never had a weight problem until college, but I did notice that sweets were always much more interesting to me than other food.

I had a rather skewed vision of myself and went on my first diet during middle school, when I was about 5-feet, 7-inches tall and weighed under 120 pounds. I didn’t think I was obese or even fat, but I just wanted that tiny roll on my stomach gone. Although I thought I looked good, I believed I did not look good enough. That is truly the crux of my disease—never enough. I cheated on that first diet (and all the others that were to come) by eating my favorite sugar products.

I went to college four hours from home and the feelings of insecurity grew into a painful ache as I tried to make a new life for myself in an unfamiliar, stressful environment. I didn’t think I was a horrible person. I just thought I wasn’t good enough.

Making the dean’s list wasn’t good enough, I needed straight As. Dating a handsome, kind, funny, smart guy wasn’t good 6

enough, he needed to be in a specific fraternity.

When my roommate went through sorority rush as a sophomore (I had pledged a sorority my freshman year), I didn’t stand up for her to get her an invitation to my sorority. She was a great girl, but she was fat, and my self-esteem was too low to advocate for her. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be in my sorority, so how could I ever justify trying to get her in? I eventually drowned my shame and remorse in food and alcohol. My roommate ended up pledging a good sorority that valued her for the wonderful person that she was.

I got increasingly sick with food addiction. I remember traveling out of the country to London and eating lunch in the Hard Rock Café with some of my friends from the US. My lunch consisted of huge portions of protein, flour, carbohydrates, and oil. I consumed several large sugarand alcohol-laced drinks with my lunch.

By the end of the meal, I was overly full and more than a little drunk, so another drug seemed like the perfect addition to my experience. Although not a smoker, I stumbled across the street to buy a pack of cigarettes. As I was waiting to cross back across the street after getting my stash, a March 2023

long, white limousine pulled over in front of me. One window slowly lowered, and a man offered me money to perform a specific service for him. I refused. Even though I was drunk, I knew I didn’t want to end up floating face down in the Thames. But the heartbreaking part was that I was flattered. Never mind that he treated me like a prostitute. My self-esteem was so rock bottom low that all I really cared about was that a man wanted me.

An hour later, I was sitting on the dirty bathroom floor of the Hard Rock Café, gripping the toilet and throwing up the foul mixture of too much food, alcohol, and cigarettes. I gained 25 pounds during that six-week London trip and most people would consider that experience as hitting bottom, but I didn't seem to have a bottom.

I continued to try exercise regimes, diets, and hypnosis to control my weight, and ended up weighing 172 pounds. For me, having spent most of my life in a rightsized body, I felt enormous. I wasn’t interconnection

ested in going out with friends, dating, or doing my job. At that point, I just wanted to watch movies and eat.

I stumbled across another Twelve-Step program for food, got a sponsor, and began to get somewhat better, but I was still eating addictively. I worked the steps, lost weight, and did service. I became well enough to meet my wonderful husband, who I am very grateful for today. Problems surfaced when we got engaged, however. Marriage required give and take, and emotional maturity I did not possess. I had purposely chosen a sponsor who didn’t require me to stick to a food plan or call her regularly. I was at goal weight, but I was still eating flour XANDRA G., CA and sugar, not doing quiet time, and not making phone calls or reading literature. I went to meetings, did service, and that was about it. I did have a few sponsees but would get irritated when they called and wanted my help. After being married for less than a year, I ended up drinking alone in a bar at my brotherin-law’s wedding and topped that off by 7

eating out of the trash can. I finally decided I just got back from another trip out of to join FA. the country, only this time I did it in recovFA sponsors taught me to make a com- ery. My husband, two sons, and I vacamitment to my recovery and to myself. I tioned in a beautiful resort on the coast of made the decision to do all the FA tools: Mexico. There were flour and sugar snacks quiet time, reading, weighing and measur- and alcoholic beverages in the room at all ing my food, attending the same three FA times, and room service was available 24/7. meetings each week, working the Twelve The pool had a swim-up bar, and there was Steps, calling my sponsor regularly, and a buffet three times a day. It was all free, and, making FA phone calls. These were diffi- according to my family, all really good. cult lessons for me—learning to bring dis- (Thank you God, I don’t know from percipline to my sonal experience.) I program and life, but When I catch myself feeling had to work hard to these simple disciget what I needed at plines, sponsorship, that I am not good enough meals. I don’t speak and service comthe native language, bined to change my in some way, I affirm to myself and there was very litlife immeasurably tle food offered that over the last 15 years. that I am doing the best I can. was plain. There were My husband and I times I had to let go don’t have a perfect marriage, but we do of some food items I would normally eat at have a good partnership based on love and a meal. respect. My two children were born to a The result of putting my food first was mother in recovery, and I’ve learned how to tremendous. I got to truly enjoy the beauty be a good parent. and comfort of a five-star resort. I went to The feelings of “I’m never good enough” a salsa class, played water polo, and swam still plague me sometimes. A true gift of with dolphins. I didn’t worry once about the program is that I am letting go of some the size of my backside or cringe when I saw of that thinking. When I catch myself feel- my reflection in the shiny metal of the eleing that I am not good enough in some way, vator. I was available for my family on this I affirm to myself that I am doing the best I trip, not hiding in my room gorging. I got can. When I say that to myself, I feel a real to laugh with my sons. And on this trip, I peace and contentment that is good lost a pound instead of gaining 25. enough.

Holli N., North Carolina, US 8

March 2023

Roller Coaster of Emotion

W

hen I was first diagnosed with question, “Do you want to go through treatbreast cancer, I was horrified ment alone or with your FA fellows?” and fearful. I turned to God Thanks to their encouragement, I chose FA. yet felt powerless. I prayed, and my Higher Meanwhile, the cancer medication caused Power put my sponsor on my heart, so I me to gain weight. Pride reared its ugly head. called her. She gave me the phone number Prior to cancer, I had lost 30 pounds in FA of a fellow member of FA who was abstinent and now my weight was climbing up again. and also had cancer.

I wound up regaining After surgery, the I was afraid to use the telephone the 30 pounds and, at pain was intense. Forfirst, could not get it tunately, quality quiet off. But slowly, one to share my feelings time and using the day at a time, by foltool of writing rewith my fellow food addicts. lowing the food plan lieved a lot of anxiety. my sponsor gave me, But I did it anyway.

On the other hand, I the weight started was afraid to use the coming off. telephone to share my feelings with my felIn the following decade, life continued to low food addicts. But I did it anyway and it present more health challenges: a new lesion brought healing. The chatter and clatter in on my intact breast, five more years of medmy head diminished and eventually disap- ication and its flu-like symptoms, and the peared. Still, having lost a breast, my self- death of my oncologist. My primary doctor image was shattered, and I felt ashamed. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was on a turned to God again. True to form, the mes- roller coaster of emotion. sage I received was perfect love regardless of But thanks to my commitment to an how I felt or thought I looked.

AWOL and my sponsor’s support, I’ve In FA, I learned the slogan, “One day at a stayed abstinent and in FA. I give thanks to time.” But now, for me, it was one hour at a FA and the God of my understanding. My time. I was so tempted to quit the program. fear has been assuaged and I continue to My sponsor and the other FA member who build faith. also had cancer both asked me the same Leah H., Washington, US connection

9

Facing the Truth

F

or many years, I believed the lies I told myself about my weight. I thought, It’s my fate. My mother and grandmother were overweight. Or, Since my husband met me when I was 100 pounds overweight and married me, my weight doesn’t matter.

No one criticized me openly, at least not since junior high school, but deep inside, I always knew that what I told myself were lies. I was ashamed of my body. Clothes shopping was a nightmare. I thought dressing room mirrors were unkind and photographs were a distortion of the real me. It wasn’t the person I knew I was inside. But dressing room mirrors are true reflections and photos cannot lie.

Occasionally, the shame drove me to attempt diets. With some of these, I was able to lose a significant amount of weight—60 pounds with a vegetarian diet, 60 pounds with a no-carb diet, 40 pounds with a sensible “Christian-based” diet, and 50 pounds with a commercial diet. Each time, unable to stay with it, I would gain the weight back and more.

In early 2018, a friend told me about FA. I watched the weight just melt off her. But when she told me that the program encouraged going to three meetings a week and 10

calling a sponsor and other fellows every day, I thought that was too much for me.

I was unwilling to even give it a try. After all, there were still other diets out there I hadn’t yet tried. In truth, I was looking for an instant, easy fix. I even considered bariatric surgery, but as a nurse, I saw that many people gained the weight back. Although it does work for some people, I wasn’t willing to risk it. The other diets I tried worked for some people as well. I started to wonder what was wrong with me that I can’t sustain weight loss?

It wasn’t until age 65 that I identified my addiction to flour and sugar. It may sound funny, but I felt relief knowing that was my issue. Addiction is a disease. Diseases can be treated. Addiction, like many diseases, can’t be cured. But since I finally understood that my compulsive eating and obsession with food was an addiction more powerful than I am, I was able to let go of that terrible guilt and self-judgment.

In October 2019, I went with my friend to my first FA meeting. I got a sponsor that night and started working the program.

Even then I wasn’t fully committed. My plan was to just try it. I did everything I was told to do, even when I disagreed with it. If something didn’t make sense to me, I March 2023

thought that, when I lost the weight, I wouldn’t do it anymore.

Weight fell off quickly. I began to lose that sense of desperation that brought me into FA. I began to question if my life was really that unmanageable, if I was really an addict.

Then on day 60 of the program, I broke my abstinence and ate food with sugar.

It was unintentional at first, but when I realized what I had done, I decided that I would have all the food I had been missing for two months. I binged all night on sugar. I admitted it to my sponsor and resolved to start again the next day. Old habits die hard.

I did start over the next day. My body rejected all that sugar, and I was miserably ill for the next 24 hours. That should have been enough, but a few weeks later, around Christmas, I broke again.

I hated telling my sponsor as well as my friend who brought me into the program, but they did not judge and helped me get started again. connection

For the next three months, I remained outwardly compliant, but I questioned a lot of things.

Then my view started to change. If something didn’t make sense to me, I decided it wasn’t important enough to dwell on. I began to let go and accept the things I could not change. I wanted to change the program, but instead the program changed me.

I recently watched a speaker who said, “It is easier to commit 100% than to commit 98%.” I realized that the two percent I held back was like the leavening in flour. It grows, leading to more and more questions and more and more doubt. Eventually, I made the decision MEREDITH M., ME to surrender completely, and a burden was lifted. Being willing was easier.

That doesn’t mean that my addiction is gone. But just for today, I have a plan without regrets or second guesses. I recognize the lies as lies. And today I feel at peace with myself.

Ann S., Ohio, US 11

Opening a New Door

I

am originally from Iran and immi- about it. I was afraid that people would grated to the United States eight years make fun of me or find it weird to listen ago. I started FA in September 2021 to me, someone who didn’t have too at 168 pounds, 5-feet, 3-inches tall. Now I much to say. am 120 pounds. Losing 48 pounds was My sponsor was concerned about me not possible without the tools of this pro- not getting my calls done; all I wanted to gram. At first, I thought what we eat was do was avoid it. So I decided to change my the whole point, but now I know that the sponsor. I attended a meeting to find a tools also help our new sponsor and recovery and ability shared my problem Calling people opened to stay abstinent. honestly in a breakFood addiction is a a new door to possibilities out room with five disease of isolation available sponsors. and I used to isolate Not only did I find for me, through which a lot. In the beginmy current sponsor, I could get out of my cage who I connect with ning, I didn’t have confidence in comvery well, but they and experience the world municating with also gave me great others in my second tips for how to do in a different, loving way. language. Expressmy calls. They suging my feelings and gested that I leave asking for help was a massive challenge. I detailed messages when other people didstarted breaking that wall by calling my n’t respond and mention when I would be sponsor every day. I had to find a way to available so they could call back. I also express myself. Then I had to make three asked people about their available times phone calls each day, which was challeng- when I called them. Attending more ing. I didn’t know the American culture Zoom or in-person meetings helped me and was not confident with my English. I to connect to fellows that way. was not sure how people would react or After being able to get my calls done respond to my calls, and I was so fearful every day, I felt so connected with the fel12

March 2023

LINDAGRACE C., CA

lows and this program. We could relate to Making my calls also affected my pereach other and help each other, which sonal and work relationships. It made me helped me stay abstinent. Calling people more confident and friendly. I am no opened a new door to possibilities for me, longer afraid of making calls to people through which I could get out of my cage when I need them, and this is helping my and experience the world in a different, recovery. loving way.

Fatemeh P., California, US connection

13

B

Groundhog Day

efore I began my journey into recovery from food addiction, I woke up every morning with a strong resolve that this would be the day I would stick to my commitments. I knew I was hurting myself with my destructive eating habits and the bingeing and purging that often took place. I not only hurt myself, I hurt the people I loved, as I was unable to be present in my relationships when I was anesthetized by flour, sugar, and quantities.

I also stole time from my employer because I could not be fully present at my job. I was constantly thinking about the next meal, snack, treat, or reward. I often stole food from my coworkers. Every day I said I wasn’t going to hurt myself, but before noon I 14

was face down in the food. It was like watching that movie, Groundhog Day. I kept repeating the same behavior, thinking this time would be different. Every day this was going to be my last binge. And every day I went to bed, sick from the food and feeling like a failure.

When I came to FA, with the guidance of a therapist, I learned I wasn’t a failure; I was a food addict. I learned there were other people who were like me and who thought like me.

I learned I wasn’t SUSAN D., CA alone and that there was a solution. I learned that one day at a time, I could have hope. Today, I don’t have to be a slave to my addiction. I can have a feeling and not eat over it. Today is no longer Groundhog Day. Sherstin N., California, US March 2023

No Matter What

Staying for the Miracles

I

was 260 pounds and had no hope that I car to avoid the traffic heading the other way. would ever stop eating. Then I came to There were no lights, and I couldn’t see this program for one reason—to lose where the first car had gone. I noticed a weight. break in the trees in the distance and folIn FA, I've always heard “stay for the mira- lowed the road to that point. As I hesitated cle.” I can say that while unexpected, I have in the dark, I saw a “road ahead” sign and had many miracles throughout my time in bean to accelerate to enter the intersection. recovery, and they keep coming.

Suddenly, I heard a loud voice yell “Back up!”

I found my first mirI slammed the car acle when I put my into reverse.

I have come to know food on the scale and I looked ahead and woke up abstinent that this is not a program realized that what had the next day. One day appeared to be a road with a spiritual component, was actually a ramp at a time, a year later I had shed exactly 100 into the river through but a spiritual program. pounds. Continued the break in the trees. abstinence helped the There were no markrest to come off, revealing the person hiding ings or warning signs. I trembled as I looked behind the fat for all those years. Twenty around and realized no one was there. The years later, I weigh 123 pounds. loud voice was my Higher Power, who had The first time I heard my sponsor suggest taken the time to save me and my child from that I ask God for help when I had food a very dangerous situation. I knew then that thoughts, my reaction was, “I’m not impor- I was important enough to turn to my tant enough to ask for help with my food. Higher Power with anything and everything God’s busy.” A short time later, I was leaving in life. a movie theater parking lot with my young I continued to work my program and son in his car seat in the back of the car. The began to feel God’s presence more and parking lot was dark as I followed another more. My husband was facing a dangerous connection

15

surgery that could have cost him his leg or possibly his life. As we drove to the doctor, I prayed, “God, please let me know if this will be alright.” Within less than a minute, a red cardinal (a symbol for me from God?) flew across the windshield of the car. I was stunned because we were not in a wooded area.

I continued to work my program, brought my weighed-and-measured food to the hospital during the entire time, and though his recovery had many twists and turns, he can walk with the help of a cane, and I remained abstinent. Had I thrown away my abstinence in despair or worry, I would not have been there for my husband when he needed me.

When he awoke in the recovery room, there was a gorgeous nurse leaning over him. Bur he called for me and asked me to lean in and kiss him—again and again—even after 45 years of marriage. What a miracle! We are now married 48 years and our marriage is richer than ever. Another miracle for this food addict!

Another challenge was that my youngest son developed epilepsy during his first year of college. I leaned heavily on my program and Higher Power to get through the years that followed, never knowing when my son would drop to the floor thrashing. He suffered a brain injury when he fell on a concrete floor during a seizure, which resulted in two skull fractures and a bad brain bleed. I didn’t 16

eat. I relied again on my program and Higher Power. When my son awoke from massive brain surgery, the surgeon told us he had never seen a patient as alert and talking after that type of injury. He said most patients were either dead or in a coma.

I felt, and shared with my son, my belief that he was saved for a reason. His life may touch someone in a way that he'll never know about, but he can be assured his life is important. Six years later, he is recovering and no longer seizing, has a wonderful career, and is engaged to be married!

My program gave me the strength to get through these challenges without picking up the food. Eating addictively would have distanced me from my loved ones rather than being there for them!

I have come to know that this is not a program with a spiritual component, but a spiritual program. I work to show my gratitude every day in every way. I am not perfect. I am a work in progress.

I love the saying I’ve heard in FA, “If I worry, why pray, and if I pray, why worry?” I live by this daily and when faced with fear or situations that require difficult decisions, I turn to my Higher Power and seek guidance. If I cannot reach a decision by seeing a clear path from my Higher Power, it’s not time to make the decision. I pray for acceptance and wait, and miracle of miracles, an answer appears!

Ellen M., Florida, US March 2023

Lighten Up!

SUSAN F., NY

M

Truth Be Told

y 13-year-old son was recently caught in a rather elaborate lie.

As an addict, this is something with which I have a bit of experience. Instead of yelling and screaming, something pre-program mom would have done, I calmly asked, “I bet that has been really hard to carry around with you all this time, huh?” With tears rolling down his cheeks, he nodded in agreement.

We talked about how important honesty is in all our relationships, especially in our family. I said, “I know how hard it is to lie to people who love you,” and thought it was a good time to share a story about a time when I was dishonest with him.

“Buddy, do you remember when you used to wonder what happened to your leftover dessert that you would bring home from a restaurant? Well, I was lying to you when I connection

said you had forgotten it. The truth is, I would eat it after you went to sleep.”

He turned and looked at me with his big, brown eyes, cracked a crooked smile, and announced, “Mom, you really sucked!”

After the initial shock, followed by hysterical laughter, I told him he was 100% correct!

When I am in my disease, I am selfish, distant, and dishonest—all pretty sucky qualities.

This disease of food addiction also sucks. It sucks the joy, connection, and love right out of my life.

With the tools of this program and by working the Twelve Steps, I do not have to live like that anymore. I can show up, feel the feelings, and live a life of integrity. So now, when I get on my knees each morning, I not only ask God for an abstinent day, but also for the strength and guidance not to suck.

Tara B., Pennsylvania, US 17

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.