January/February 2023: Safe and Warm. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) publication

FA Stories of Recovery from Food Addiction

Safe and Warm

January/February 2023 $2.50

January/February 2023

Columns Qualification: Don’t Eat. Live!. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 First 90 Days: Stressful Start. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 No Matter What: Comfort Zone. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Lighten Up: Kitchen Romance. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25

Features Desperate for Discipline. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 The Dress. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 At War With Food. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 Best-Laid Plans. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12 Wait For It. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 Tempering the Talk. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 Out to Lunch. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .18 Year of Learning. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20

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Glossary of Terms FA: Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous AA: Alcoholics Anonymous AWOL: A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps Big Book: Alcoholics Anonymous 1 Stone = 14 pounds 1 Kilo = approx. 2.2 pounds Copyright © 2023 Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous 400 W. Cummings Park, Suite 1700 Woburn, MA 01801-6572

Qualification

Don’t Eat. Live!

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hen I came into FA, I was chance to be mean to me. I would be lonely, scared, and full of mean first. There was one year when I was dreams for my life that I a terror to my teachers and a few classcouldn’t see ever coming true because of mates. My behavior reflected how I felt my weight. I was 24 years old and around about myself and how desperately I 350 pounds. As miserable as life was at wanted attention. that size, my mind and attitude made it When I was ten years old, I moved away worse. from home to attend a boarding school.

Food has been my friend since child- I lived in a house with a few other girls hood. I remember and this really at a young age being rocked me to the My behavior reflected home alone and core. I just wanted bored because I to be at home with how I felt about myself couldn’t go outside, my mom where I so I would eat. I was comfortable. I and how desperately went back and forth couldn’t use food to to the refrigerator help because one of I wanted attention. to find entertainthe residential ment. I was also very counselors was limscared as a child. I was scared of the dark, iting what I ate to get me to a healthy new environments, and new people. You weight. It worked. I lost 20 pounds that name it and it scared me. Food helped to summer, but then she retired and that calm my fears. gave me free reign to eat whatever, whenI don’t remember a time where I was a ever. Because my grades were good, no small size. I was always the biggest kid in one ever bothered me about it. class. I got teased sometimes due to my I never went on diets except one time body size and weight, and because of that, when I asked for help. I was sent to a I decided I wouldn’t give anyone the weight-loss camp and lost some weight, connection

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but as soon as I got picked up, I ordered couldn’t function without food. the biggest breakfast possible at the local After college, I moved to another city diner. My eating continued through high and that’s where I hit rock bottom. Meal school. I often lied about my weight be- delivery services were my best friends. I cause I was so embarrassed, and this led could order whatever I wanted, whenever to me having to wear tight uniform pants I wanted. My highest weight was 362 because I held my pounds. stomach in when I One day, I found was being measured. an old phone list I was 330 pounds from an FA meeting when I graduated I had attended, and from high school.

I called one of the College was the women on the list. absolute worst. I ate She gave me the and “peoplenumber of another pleased” my way woman who invited through. I went to me to an informathe dining hall as tion session in the soon as it opened area. I remember at MEREDITH M., ME and had a huge the end of the call I breakfast, and then said, “I’ll try to get I was barely surviving continued eating there.” She said, throughout the day.

“Don’t try. You eibefore Program.

I was always digging ther do it or you in my backpack for don’t.” Although I Now I’m truly living. loose change to use was annoyed at the at the vending matime because I chines between classes. I had the largest didn’t have a car and the train didn’t go to meal plan and the most flex dollars of- that hospital, it was exactly what I needed fered, and I used every meal and flex dol- to hear. I went to the information session lar every semester. I would also go out at and that woman became my sponsor. night and order food when the night was I wish I could say I was thrilled to start over. That was my favorite part. I just FA and did everything my sponsor told 2

January/February 2023

Twelve Traditions me to, but that was not the case. I was so angry. I was losing my best friend, food.

And my sponsor was telling me not to make any big decisions during my first year. I wanted to do a training program to become a certified financial planner.

I wanted to move to a new city. I believed these things would make me happy. But it wasn’t anything on the outside that needed to be fixed; it was the inside that needed to change.

I took those suggestions and joined an AWOL, and slowly my life did start to change. The weight loss helped because I got more confidence, but my faith in God grew, which really made the difference.

Now I weigh about 155 pounds. I live in a city that I love. I completed an education “boot camp” in my field, and I’m looking for a higher-level position. I’m dating and hope to have a wife and children one day. I love being of service as a sponsor and doing service in many other ways. I trust God and am so happy today.

This is the life I imagined all those years ago, and it’s because of God’s help and the Twelve Steps that I get to live this life.

There’s something in the FA book that has always stuck with me. It says, “Don’t eat. Live!” I was barely surviving before Program. Now I’m truly living.

Brande G., Georgia, US connection

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or FA as a whole.

5. Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the food addict who still suffers.

6. An FA group ought never endorse, finance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9. FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous3

First 90 Days

Stressful Start

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y top weight was 185 pounds and sugar and my first thought was, These and I stand 5 feet tall. I heard people are off their rockers. The next thought about the FA program from a was, That can’t be healthy. nurse practitioner I was seeing for depres- At the end of the meeting, a woman sion. I reached an all-time low when I came up to me and asked if I had a sponsor. started to practice being bulimic. I advised I said I didn’t, but I honestly wasn’t sure her of what I was what she was talking doing and asked if it about.

She handed I heard about abstaining was normal. She me some literature stared at me in disbeand a meal plan and from flour and sugar lief and suggested told me to call her at that I join an eating and my first thought was, 6:30 the next morndisorder support ing. I thought that These people are off their there was no way I group.

I went to my first was going to call rockers.

The next thought was, FA meeting the folsomeone at that lowing week. I recall hour.

That can’t be healthy. sitting in the parking I wish I could say I lot thinking the was abstinent from meeting started at one time and it actually that day forward, but that is not my story. started 30 minutes earlier. I walked into the My second child was only five years old, meeting feeling so uncomfortable, not and he had a milk intolerance, so I was knowing anyone there or what to expect. making everything from scratch for him, I heard the woman at the front of the spending a lot of time in the kitchen with room who was saying she had 17 years of food. abstinence. I had no idea what she was talk- I struggled at first, not able to call my ing about until the break, when I learned sponsor on time, and had trouble staying more. I heard about abstaining from flour abstinent from flour and sugar. I attended 4

January/February 2023

Twelve Steps meetings regularly, but I could never reach any significant amount of time for recovery. I sat in pain during those meetings, wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn’t get abstinent.

Sponsors would drop me due to my inability to get up on time and call, or calling to report that I broke my abstinence. The constant feeling of doom and gloom as it related to being abstinent plagued me. I wanted so badly to have what these people in my meetings had and couldn’t figure out how they got there.

Finally, on November 25, 2001, I became abstinent from that day forward. I have had many days where hard things in life happen, but I have been grateful for being able to lose over 80 pounds. I use the tools that have been provided to me over the years, and am grateful to not be eating and wondering what clothes are going to fit.

I never had a closet full of clothes, but today I do. I struggled with finances, but today things are not so bad.

I feel blessed to remain abstinent in a nonabstinent household. My family didn’t want to eat the way I do and I struggled with that as well. However, I was able to stack my days together and I am grateful that I can now keep the focus on things other than food. I have a clear mind today, and for that I am and will always be grateful.

Kendra P., Texas, US connection

1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous 5

Desperate for Discipline

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hen I got abstinent in 2015, a new-found discipline entered my life. It is not possible to stay abstinent without it; early morning sponsor calls, quiet time, meal preparation, grocery store trips, vegetable chopping, phone calls, committed meetings, more vegetable chopping—you get the idea. It’s no exaggeration that my life took a 180-degree turn when I finally surrendered to the tools and disciplines of FA. Before this program, I was eating uncontrollably and could not stop. I had been in another Twelve-Step program for food for over three years, trying to not eat. I had sponsors, went to meetings, read books, listened to podcasts, did service, joined Alcoholics Anonymous to stop drinking (hoping maybe that would help), but no matter what I did my food addiction only got worse.

Though I didn’t love FA initially, I knew I couldn’t go back to the other program, nor could I do the “love yourself at any size” route because I tried. I ate too painfully and abusively to ever have a shot at loving myself.

I vividly remember having 19 days of abstinence. I was driving to a meeting, talk6

ing on the phone with a fellow FA member, sharing how good I felt. I couldn’t remember the last time I made it that long without hurting myself with food. I finally had hope. Hope that was born from a daily schedule of waking up, calling my sponsor, reading the Twenty-Four Hours a Day book, taking quiet time, eating breakfast, packing my lunch, going to work, making FA calls, going to a committed meeting if I had one that day, eating dinner, reading two pages of the Big Book, and getting to bed early. This was an adjustment, but after a while it became second nature.

My life progressed in a positive way. I left an unhealthy relationship, got my own apartment, and began to pay off my debt. I got a new job, doubled my income, and began dating. I stayed immersed in FA. I went to FA conventions and traveled around to stay with FA members any chance I got. But at some point, I got too big for my britches and what I thought was a firm foundation began to show cracks.

Fast forward to November, 2020. I broke my abstinence due to dishonesty at restaurants and a slew of other behaviors around my food. I had to stop co-leading January/February 2023

an AWOL and let go of sponsees and service positions. I had been living with a question around my abstinence and now had a clean slate. I welcomed the idea of extra time in the morning with no sponsee calls and no service positions, which, looking back, was a red flag.

My FA program was, unbeknownst to me, based on selfwill, feeling better than other people, fear, desperately wanting attention, and following rules. I wanted to have the most friends and the best sponsor. Was I in the “in crowd?” My service was based on attention. Did they like me? Think I was strong? Smart? Or how about sharing?

How good did I sound at meetings?

Were people laughing? Does that person who can’t get abstinent hear me? They just need to listen to me. What was their problem? They just aren’t trying hard enough. connection

I felt that I needed permission from my sponsor to do anything, which left zero room for a higher power. Was I breaking these fictitious FA rules? Would I be shunned if I made X decision?

When it came to my life outside of FA, people around me just needed to get their act together. And if I wasn’t a rockstar at it, I wasn’t interested. The high of a new sales job was electric. I was applauded constantly. I managed to win a lot of new business and hit my bonus, making more money than I’d ever thought possiSUSAN F., NY ble. I was on fire.

Naturally, that fire petered out and I also wanted out. I became a yoga teacher in June 2021 after ensuring I was the best student in the instructor training course.

I was attending extra yoga classes, making sure I was constantly connected to the other teachers, reading all the books, always the first to raise my hand, but that 7

eventually petered out, too. or 3:00 or blow off the day entirely. If I After I broke my abstinence, I asked a don’t feel like making phone calls, I’ll woman to sponsor me. She helped me see make more tomorrow. If I don’t feel like what I just described and so much more. staying for a business meeting, I don’t atIt has been a rude awakening and I have tend because who really cares? If I don’t been humbled. Now I have just over a want another sponsee then I don’t raise year of back-to-back abstinence, which my hand at a meeting. has been the hardest of my recovery.

I now have a planned routine and, one Thankfully, I no longer wonder if I’m ab- day at a time, have committed to my stinent because of how much protein I ate higher power to follow it as my life situaat restaurants six tions permit to the months ago, but all best of my ability.

I no longer have to figure out this truth has come My sanity and conto the surface. how to stop eating or manage tented abstinence I am so grateful depend on it. Or I that I continued to my life. I only have to pick up can choose not to stick around this follow it and I will the tools FA laid at my feet. program throughsuffer consequences. out this time. I still Initially, I wanted made phone calls and didn’t eat flour or some sort of threat to be associated with sugar. I’ve gone to my committed meet- my commitment, but my sponsor reings, called my sponsor on time, got on minded me that I needed intrinsic motimy knees every day, and made gratitude vation from a higher power. lists. I’ve kept on this journey because of I am very grateful for the discipline this hope. Hope that it will get better. I think program gives me. There is zero chance I almost understand when older members that I would do even half of this work say that putting down the food was the without FA. I would likely be either face easy part. Almost. down in the food or trying not to be face Recently, the disciplines in my recovery down in the food by a myriad of painful and in life have been based on feelings. If methods. Luckily, I no longer have to figI don’t feel like exercising that day, I don’t. ure out how to stop eating or manage my If I don’t feel like doing quiet time in the life. I only have to pick up the tools FA morning, I’ll do it later. If I don’t feel like laid at my feet. working till 4:30 or 5:00, I’ll stop at 2:00 Shannon S., New York, US 8

January/February 2023

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The Dress

hen I weighed 198 pounds, I thought I was hiding my size by buying expensive clothing. I bought a size 1X bright red sweater and thought, Well, when they see how beautifully cut it is, they won’t notice how big I am! The only person I was fooling was myself.

The day came when I was going to a formal wedding. My daughter was a flower girl at her babysitter’s wedding and I wanted to buy a beautiful fancy dress for myself. Unfortunately, I still weighed 198 pounds.

I decided I couldn’t buy a 1X; I had to buy a size 18 to make me look slimmer.

There was only one store in town that carried the size I wanted. They had three dresses that were appropriate for a wedding.

I hated how the first two looked, but loved the third one. It was a sleeveless, filmy, ankle-length, navy-blue dress, with a beautiful blue and lavender brocade jacket. I thought I would look like a million bucks in it. I tried it on. Disaster! It had a side zipper, but I couldn’t zip it up.

So I came up with what I thought was a brilliant idea. I’d just wear the jacket to cover up my flesh sticking out the side. connection

All went well until we arrived at the wedding. Somehow, I missed the fact it was outdoors at the end of July. It was 95 degrees and 95% humidity. There I was, sweating away, and I couldn’t take the jacket off. What misery I felt that evening.

I tried to put the shame out of my mind.

However, my higher power reminded me of that awful experience two months later when I saw that a Twelve-Step program for compulsive overeaters was starting in my workplace. I attended that meeting for a few years. I lost 50 pounds in the first six months, but decided to change my food plan and gained 15 pounds. I tried to diet it off over the next two years, but nothing worked. I felt like I had lost my chance.

Then I met someone who moved to my town and came from another TwelveStep program in Boston. She began that meeting locally and I followed her into that program. Eventually, I moved into FA when it began and I’ve never left. After five months, I weighed 127 pounds.

The promises of the program say that we should not regret nor forget the past, but I never want to forget or regret “the dress.”

It got me where this food addict belongs and keeps me here, all these years later.

Dona S., Florida, US 9

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At War With Food

hen I came into FA three disappointment to my Higher Power as I years ago, I weighed 189 was to myself. Or I thought that maybe my pounds, though that was not issue with food was too small a matter for my top weight. I was obese most of my God to bother with. Never did I consider adult life, averaging 220 to 230 pounds at that my issue with food was an addiction.

5-feet, 4-inches tall. When I first started FA, One day, I found myself shoving any sugI thought I would be happy to get to 165 ary food I could find into my mouth. Even pounds. However, in less than six months, as I told myself to stop, I discovered I could I have achieved a not. I knew at that weight-loss goal that moment that I had Addiction is a war against no I would never have power over food, imagined possible. and I realized what my soul, and it is a war Now I weigh apan obsession it was. proximately 134 I will not win in this lifetime.

A friend had told pounds and I finally me about FA a year feel like I am in a and a half earlier. I There is no cure. right-sized body for saw what it had done But I can win a daily battle for her, but I wasn’t the first time since my adolescence. ready to admit my by using the tools of FA. What an unbelievaddiction. But that able feeling. day, when I In the past, each time I tried a new or dif- scrounged the cupboards for one more ferent diet, I would start off motivated and sugary item and went out to the store for compliant but peter out within a few weeks more, I knew I had hit bottom. I decided I or months. I would lose weight and then had to go and check it out. What could it gain it back and more. I would beat myself hurt? up and ask what was wrong with me. Why I found a sponsor that first night and got can’t I stop eating? I prayed to my Higher started. I confess that my addict brain got Power for help, but heard only silence on stuck on Step One for quite a while. In that the matter. I often felt like I was as much a initial “honeymoon phase” of the first 90 10

January/February 2023

GRACE A., ISRAEL

days, when the plan was working so well, I forgot how desperate I was that first day.

Although I did what I was supposed to do, I began to ask whether my life was really that unmanageable.

At day 60, I broke my abstinence, which was a very humbling experience. Then I broke again a few weeks later. Each time, my disease took me right back to where I left off, bingeing on sugar. I had begun to think I was cured, that I wasn’t really a food addict. I know now that I am.

Addiction is a war against my soul, and it is a war I will not win in this lifetime. There is no cure. But I can win a daily battle by using the tools of FA. The phrase, “just for connection

today,” is powerful. It doesn’t let me get mired in the worry of how I do this for the rest of my life. Every day I can claim a victory in that day’s battle.

My sponsor is my lifeline. She celebrates those victories with me. She listens to my doubts and provides encouragement and advice. The fellows at my meetings and those I speak to on the phone are understanding and encouraging. The wisdom that comes from the generations of fellows in Twelve-Step recovery amazes me. It can be trusted. All I have to do is surrender and commit one hundred percent each day.

One day at a time.

Ann S., Ohio, US 11

Best-Laid Plans

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looked at the tiny refrigerator, carefully reserved in advance at the hotel and now fully stocked, and thought, Fifteen meals? Uh-oh!

Everything was going so well up until now.

This was the first prolonged time my wife and I had spent outside our home in 17 months, due to circumstances beyond everybody’s control. We had to postpone cruises, forego trips to see four of our grandchildren, and in general spent too much time in the house. I love my home but it was easy to project just how much more I would appreciate it after a week at the beach.

The only possible flaw in this plan was that I had joined FA less than a month before, and radically altered my eating patterns.

My sponsor, for some reason, was not wildly enthusiastic about our trip. We spent several days discussing the details, and it made me think about the last time a girlfriend had broken up with me. Was this going to end badly? Our trip had been set in something like stone—wet cement, at least—for nearly six months. My wife needs to have every minute detail of a plan worked out, far in advance, before she can sleep at night. This trait has meant a lot of lost sleep for both of us, but now I was appreciating the results, and bragging about them to my 12

sponsor.

I was bringing along dry foods, canned foods, produce, and an ice chest. I not only had access to the tools of recovery, but I was also bringing my other tools: measuring spoon, microwaveable dishes, can opener, and portable scale. I reassured my sponsor that everything was going to be okay. It had to be okay because I was going anyway.

Day one was great. I called my sponsor with my day’s food plan, then ate my abstinent breakfast before we left. At the halfway point of the drive, we stopped at a fast-food place so my wife, who does not have food issues, could get lunch. She ordered a meal inside while I prepared mine in the back of the car, weighed and measured. Then I brought my containers inside and we ate together at a table. This franchise was very hospitable to a non-customer in the company of a paying customer. I even got a free glass of water.

The traffic was manageable (in LA!), the hotel was beautiful, and the front desk upgraded us to a partial-ocean-view room. At dinner time, I ate my weighed and measured meal, warmed in the tiny hotel microwave.

Then we went to the restaurant, where my wife ordered a nice meal and I sipped an unsweetened beverage and a glass of water while we watched a radiant sunset on Santa January/February 2023

Monica Beach. For once, I got to dominate the dinner conversation whenever her mouth was full.

On day two, my sponsor call went well because I had stayed abstinent for a full day away from home, and I had everything on my food list in our hotel room. I ate breakfast in our room while my wife dressed. At the restaurant, I sipped my beverage (without sweetener, 100% sponsor approved) while we chatted and my wife ate. Already, I was running out of things to say to her.

My wife and I walked on the beach down to the boardwalk.

The smell of fried foods from the restaurant and food stands was a little overwhelming, but no longer a fierce temptation for me. And my wife had never been a fan of fried foods. We found a healthier place a few blocks away. My wife had lunch and I had another hot beverage, then went back to the room for my meal.

Mini-fridge, cooler, and microwave were connection

working fine and I began to feel that, in my sponsor’s words, I could take this program anywhere. The only misgivings I had were that I was getting tired of watching other people eat at a restaurant.

On day three, we made a few planned visits to friends and a cemetery and scheduled them between mealtimes. But my produce was getting withered, one food item ran out, and I discovered I could not stomach another item for one more day without variety. I looked at the long view— something I had avoided because I did not want our trip ruined by logic—and began to see the flaws in my master plan. Five days XANDRA G., CA meant 15 meals, each of them with at least three food items.

That was 45 different weights and measures of 45 portions. What was completely manageable at home, with multiple stores a few minutes away, I now recognized as a logistical nightmare. Once again, I was surprised at how quickly I could travel from mild an13

noyance to full-fledged panic.

I tried to solve it myself. I asked the waiter at lunch if the chef would prepare a few special dishes if he knew in advance; no sauces, no oil except for a quick shot of cooking spray, no sugar or flour. The man was very accommodating, enough so that I wondered how many food addicts in recovery had been there before. He even said I could bring my food scale into the restaurant.

Even though he promised full cooperation with my food plan, I had one further problem. I had not cleared it with my sponsor, and what I would be eating was not precisely what I had committed. That afternoon, I did two unfamiliar things. I prayed about the problem and I took it to my sponsor.

I called him expecting the worst, being told that I had broken from the plan, dismissed as his sponsee, and doomed to an overweight life and grim death. (Did I mention panic?) I was very pleasantly surprised as he explained the concept of an abstinent meal out. I had feared that I was forbidden to eat restaurant food ever again. Instead, I learned that I could, with the help of my Higher Power, order simple food without any ingredients not on my plan. My measurements did not have to be as precise as they were at home, but I had to be careful not to eat more than my usual portions. My intention, he assured me, was just as important as the food. As long as I prayed to re14

main abstinent, made my needs known to the waiter, and was cautious, I was okay.

Innocently ignorant, I was later to learn that I had already broken two of the rules of eating out abstinently. To quote from Living Abstinently, “...we don’t take our scales or measuring spoons with us... we don’t take extra food into a restaurant.” Because I had cleared it with the restaurant in advance, however, it was okay. And I don’t do those things anymore.

It’s hard to convey what a relief my sponsor’s words were to me. Once the hotel restaurant knew about my dietary needs, I was able to eat most of the rest of my meals there with a clear conscience. The rest of our trip was a pleasure, and I kept my abstinence for that week and the six months that followed.

Fun fact: a common fruit that sells at my grocery store for 19 cents each—a quarter if you want to go organic—retailed at the restaurant for $8.00! We were so amazed by this that it became a standard of measurement for the rest of the trip, as in, “I need to put about five fruits worth of gas in the car for the trip home” and “The service was so good I left him a two-fruit tip.”

I learned a number of lessons which have served me well in FA. Don’t try to figure it out all by myself. I have fellows to help me.

Trust God and my sponsor. Bring extra fruit or extra money.

Charlie D., California, US January/February 2023

Wait For It

“D

on’t leave before the miracle fident ballroom dancer, a loving daughter and happens.” That’s what those sister, a compassionate colleague, and a child who have been in FA a long of God. I am not better or worse off than anytime often say. But I wondered, what will that one else. Today, I know I am one among look like for me? many, and with that comes humility and freeWill the miracle be getting the high-paying dom from perfection. I no longer have to try job before age 30? Is it getting married to the so hard; I can unclench my fists and be myself. hot guy with the two-story house and nice car, I’m learning to meet people where they are becoming Ms. Popular, or being well-liked by and not try to fix them. I leave the “fixing” up all those around me? Any of those would cer- to God now. I have compassion towards tainly be a miracle for other addicts in my this insecure, fearful, Being honest at the kitchen family who don’t have and 230-pound food a program, and know addict. scale has allowed me to practice that all I can do is be a Yet the miracle has powerful example. rigorous honesty in been staying abstiGiving someone the nent, one day at a time, FA food plan is not all other aspects of my life the right solution, befor over a year now.

And that’s how it all cause I’d be cheating begins, by putting the food down, weighing them of the opportunity to experience the and measuring three meals a day, and eating spiritual aspect of the program. nothing in between. Being honest at the FA is a Twelve-Step spiritual program that kitchen scale has allowed me to practice rig- has given me a life second to none, and I pray orous honesty in all other aspects of my life, that I remain honest, open-minded, and willand before I knew it, I started to respect my- ing to keep showing up for my recovery, one self. I became more patient, kind, and loving. abstinent day at a time. I work this program More importantly, FA has allowed me to like my life depends on it, because it does. I find out who I am. I am not the scared, imma- can’t wait to see what else God has in store for ture, angry girl who walked into these rooms. me.

Today, all thanks to this program, I am a conMarianna M., Florida, US connection

15

Tempering the Talk

I

n recovery from food addiction I need to be careful not only of what I put into my mouth, but also the words that come out of it. When I was active in my addiction, I had no filter; I said whatever came to mind. If someone couldn’t handle what I said, I thought that was their issue. I took zero responsibility.

Gratefully, I have since changed my opinion. In recovery, I want to take responsibility for my words. I can share my story openly and honestly, but I don’t have to express my political or sociological views at a meeting.

Others may have opposing opinions and values. There are other places to debate opinions on those issues, because while they may affect me tremendously, these issues are not directly related to my recovery from food addiction.

I come from an inner-city background and the language commonly used in my home could be offensive to those without this same background. When I first came into FA, my qualification focused on that background and fellows commented on how dramatic it was. How much of it, though, was related to food addiction?

In a meeting, I want to hear about recovery from food addiction and I want to focus my own sharing on that. Yes, I need to share 16

what is happening with me, but within the framework of how using our tools centers me or how the step I’m working in my AWOL is helping me change and grow.

This is how I believe my sharing can be useful for other FA members.

If there is something going on with me that feels a bit less focused on food addiction or if I am troubled by a disturbing memory, I can discuss it with my sponsor or share it on outreach calls.

I do not want my words to be a distraction to anyone at an FA meeting, nor do I want to say something hurtful. I stay away from political and social issues, focusing instead on my recovery from food addiction. I avoid saying things that are negative or judgmental of others; instead, I ask myself how I can help all feel welcome. What can I share about living through life’s challenges abstinently?

As I continually engage in the study of the Twelve Steps, I become more aware of how I can depend on my Higher Power for help.

So often I hear a quiet little voice that says “Don’t say anything” or “be gentle with those words.” I know this is a nudge from my Higher Power. I’m learning to listen—although sometimes I ignore the hint and then need to make amends. I know that in the past I have said hurtful things in meetJanuary/February 2023

ROBIN M., NY

ings, and for that I sincerely apologize, be- using language or a tone that may cause cause even if I haven’t meant them in a harm- harm. Recovery feels really good and I want ful manner, my words can still hurt to continue to let my Higher Power transsomeone. form me by showing me how to grow in love Today, I want to open my heart to all food and tolerance. addicts, stay abstinent, and refrain from Norma Jean P., Ohio, US connection

17

Out to Lunch

B

efore I came into FA, I had a terri- the toilet and also through exercise. I ble work ethic. At one job, when I binged and starved my way down for spewas scared of dealing with the next cial occasions or for simple trips to the customer, I would leave a sign on the door beach. I was miserable, greasy, pimply, and that read “Out to a ticking time bomb Lunch.” But I wasn’t with anyone who I was miserable, greasy, out to lunch, I was tried to get in the out to binge! I would way of my eating. pimply, and a ticking time then spend hours in My self-esteem and the bathroom, purg- bomb with anyone who tried body size suffered ing the food I had from a lack of discito get in the way of my eating. binged on. I left pline. messes everywhere I I have been in FA went. I just had to throw up. One time, I for a while now and have lost around 40 carried my mess in a trash bag to the pounds. I was offered a new job last year garbage outside the store where I worked. while I was in Massachusetts at the FA I was so ashamed and didn’t want my World Service Business Convention. It bosses to find any evwas completely oridence of my behav- Today, I take about 20 minutes chestrated by God. I ior. They found it received a phone anyway and let me message offering me to eat my weighed and know. a position. I wanted measured lunch every day. my sponsor to tell I came into FA weighing 142 me what to do, but I slowly eat and finish my meal. pounds. (My highest she appropriately reweight was about fused to do so. I sat 155.) In the middle of the unmanageable with it during the entire convention weeklife I had before FA, I binged daily on end and made my decision when I got back quantities of sugar, flour, fat, and salty home and had time to make a solid, nonitems. After the binge, I purged my food in fear-based decision.

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January/February 2023

After I made up my mind, my whole world was turned upside down. Program has carried me through the first year at my new job, which is different and far more challenging than any work I have done in the past. I keep showing up and God keeps amazing me, with or without external praise from my co-workers or my superiors. I am happy to help those I serve.

After making phone calls, writing, or reading FA literature, I go back to work to greet my students and ask God for help to continue my work. I only use the bathroom for what it’s supposed to be used for, except sometimes when I get on my knees and ask God for help to continue my work responsibilities. No messes. No supervisors complaining of my vile behavior. I don’t even

JULIE M., MI

Today, I take about 20 minutes to eat my weighed and measured lunch every day. I slowly eat and finish my meal. Most days I go outside, sit in a peaceful spot, and listen to the sound of the fountain or piano playing coming from the nearby ballet studio. connection

have to deal with the trash today, other than reminding students to use it. My classroom is, at most times, orderly and clean, with everything in its proper place, because my mind is in its proper place.

Anonymous 19

Year of Learning

I

’d been in FA for seven years when I decided to return to higher education. I had completed my undergraduate studies at age 22, and now, in my fifties, decided to go for a post-graduate certificate to increase my professional capabilities. Having been in FA, I was well aware of the time and effort it took to practice the FA way of life. What was I thinking?

First of all, how would I find time to do my coursework in addition to my committed FA meetings, telephone calls, daily meditation, food prep, and more? Oh, and did I mention I had a full-time job?

What about family and friends? My fear of not being able to pull this off was huge.

But here’s the thing: I knew that cutting back on my FA program was not an option. Something else had to give.

I figured I’d need at least 10 hours a week to listen to online lectures and do assigned homework. So, I arranged to cut several hours a week from my work schedule. And sometimes I needed to spend less time on leisure activities, which was difficult for this food addict who never wanted to miss out on having fun and relaxing! I definitely credit FA for teaching me to honor my commitments, and I ap20

plied this principle to my studies.

Secondly, I had immense fear that my middle-aged brain would not be able to cope with the volume of learning. In my previous life as a young undergraduate (and non-recovering food addict), I would spend excessive hours studying, driven by perfectionism to go for up to 14 hours a day so I could ace my exams. I would obsessively review my notes until I had every detail memorized.

Anything less than scoring 100% meant failure to me. These study binges were fueled by large quantities of flour, sugar, and caffeinated beverages. Self-determination and pride filled in the gaps.

Today, thanks to what I’ve learned and practiced in FA, my approach to studying is completely different. I begin by getting on my knees and praying to my Higher Power to help me sit still and concentrate.

I ask God to help me remember the information I need to know. Sometimes I get frustrated by my limitations using the computer. So, I pick up the telephone and call my FA fellows to ask for help. I’ve gained critical new computer skills this way, learning how to access greater knowledge online and how to submit papers.

Spiritually, asking for help has given me a January/February 2023

humility I’d never known before. And hu- could. mility has yielded another miracle: the It wasn’t a perfect performance, but it willingness to exercise patience in practic- was good enough to pass and enable me ing these new skills as a mature woman. to continue with the second half of the Perhaps the greatest miracle of all was class. that I could effectively do all my studies Of course, more fearful challenges still (and face my fears) without turning to ad- lay ahead. Namely, the final examination. dictive eating. How? By replacing the In six months, I would undertake a 30food with a connection to my Higher minute, face-to-face oral examination Power. with two examiners.

Six months into The night before the exam, I at- For years I’d avoided the course, I sat for taking this course my first written tended my committed FA meet- due to my fear of this exam. Not passing oral exam. Again, would mean I’d have ing instead of “cramming” for a my experience in FA to leave the course. I served me well. few more hours. had prepared diliSpeaking at FA gently with defined, meetings from the pre-set study periods to review my mate- front of the room gave me a great foundarial. I also prepared spiritually by taking tion. extra meditation time in the days leading I passed the final, received my certificate, up to the exam. The night before the and am now positioned to be of greater exam, I attended my committed FA meet- service in my profession. Before FA, as a ing instead of “cramming” for a few more non-recovering food addict, I had no abilhours. I remembered phone connections ity to undertake tasks which required acwith FA fellows who invited me to trust tion, discipline, and commitment. Living that I had prepared sufficiently to pass. the FA way, taking action, and practicing On the day of the exam, I sat quietly for the daily disciplines, I’ve learned from my half an hour before entering the building sponsor and fellow members to apply the and invited God to be with me. As I gifts of recovery to other areas of my life. began to write my answers, I felt the pres- By taking God’s hand through this year of ence of my Higher Power helping me col- learning, I have grown in ways I’d once lect my thoughts, remember what I thought impossible. needed to remember, and do the best I Maria M., Australia connection

21

No Matter What

Comfort Zone

I

have been in FA for over six years and have gone from my highest weight of 243 pounds to a right-sized body.

With the help of my sponsor's suggestions and my Higher Power, I have kept off over 100 pounds for many years, which is a miracle. Sometimes it is easy to forget where I came from and I worry about getting complacent.

This summer I had a challenging experience. I live overseas from my home country. For various reasons, both personal and work related, my family spent the majority of the summer traveling. I have never traveled for such a long period of time. In six weeks, I took 12 flights, mostly international ones.

I pride myself on being able to travel in Program. I have all my literature on my iPad Kindle app so I could do my readings, and I brought my new FA Book with me. I also have Skype installed on my iPad to make my outreach calls. I brought premeasured baggies of breakfast grain. After several years living overseas, I know what to do, but it was almost not enough this time. In some places, breakfast was included as part of the hotel and it was easy 22

to get what I needed. Some places we stayed had a small kitchen, so I could weigh my lunch or dinner. But there were many times when I had to eat out.

I am an addict and my mind likes to play tricks on me. I have heard it said that while we are in our meetings our disease of fear, doubt, and insecurity—that drives us to seek comfort in food—is out in the parking lot doing pushups and getting stronger. Our disease is always waiting to get us in its clutches again, and every day I'm abstinent, I'm putting a deposit in my "abstinence bank" that helps me to stay strong against my waiting disease.

Before I came into Program, I had a dialogue going inside my head all the time. It was usually one-sided and very abusive, telling me I was fat, that people would laugh at me, and that I couldn’t do anything right. It has been many years since I heard this voice. Working the FA program, taking the advice of my sponsor, and working my tools, has put this voice to sleep. But while I was traveling for a month and a half, I was not able to work the program in my usual way. I could not attend my committed meetings, although January/February 2023

while in the US, I was able to go to faceto-face meetings and qualify, which was a blessing. In some places, there was no internet, making it difficult to make computer-based calls to my international community. I also found it hard to take quiet time, since I was sharing a small hotel room with my family.

In Europe, close to the end of my travels,

an incident happened that made the voice come back with a vengeance. A few hours after my subway card expired, a subway policeman asked to check my ticket while I was on the train. I was alone with my school-aged daughters. He was very aggressive and treated me like a criminal.

The voice came back and told me I was a horrible and irresponsible mother. Even

ROBIN M., NY

connection

23

though it all worked out, I had a strong right mind, and knew that if I didn’t keep emotional reaction to this incident, what my Higher Power very near me, I would we call in Program an "emotional binge." get closer to taking the bite. I have heard I kept replaying it in my mind and I could- in meetings that the food is the last thing n’t sleep. to go. I believed this was what was hapI asked God for help. I asked my Higher pening to me.

Power to remove the thoughts from my When we got home, I was happy to be mind, as they were not helping me to be back in my own kitchen. I went straight to of service or do God’s will. I became very the grocery store and got the things I agitated by fear and I noticed that I began needed. It felt so reassuring and safe to to get jealous of the different desserts my measure all of my meals again. I welcomed family was eating. being back at my Usually I am happy normal meetings What was different? to be in my rightand connecting with My program was different. people in my own sized body and content accepting that time zone once For six weeks I had been those foods are not again. mine. I have learned It is a privilege to out of my comfort zone. in FA to say, “Thank travel the world and you God, that is not see different culmy food” when faced with sweets, because tures. I am enormously blessed, but I am I understand I have exceeded my lifetime also an addict and do best with the rousupply of those foods. However, toward tine and structure that FA provides for the end of the trip, I found myself having me. The AA Big Book tells us that addicts resentment at the end of each dinner have sensitive nervous systems. For now, when my family members would order I am grateful I did not take the bite, and that country’s famous sweet dish. am happy to be back in my own home, full I hadn’t had this type of self-doubt or of structure and routine. I pray that by mental misery in a long time. What was doing my tools daily and following the different? My program was different. For guidelines of my program, the voice will six weeks I had been out of my comfort once again be put to sleep for a very long zone. I was not working my program as I time. normally would. I knew I was not in my Robin W., Uganda 24

January/February 2023

Lighten Up!

M

Kitchen Romance

y boyfriend has been a bachelor, living on a farm, and surviving on frozen meals for a very long time. You can imagine the condition of his kitchen, which has been a running joke between us. Days before Valentine’s Day, he was in the kitchen aisle of a big-box store, which is completely out of his comfort zone. As he went through picking up new utensils, towels, and other very basic kitchen supplies, he turned to a nearby shopper to ask a question. During their chat he told her that his little kitchen “upgrade” was a surprise gift for his girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. She assured him he wouldn’t have a girlfriend for long if that was his idea for a Valentine’s Day gift. A little taken aback, he quipped, “Well, I’m getting

connection

her some fresh fruits and vegetables, too.”

The shopper snorted and continued on her way. He was a little nervous but stuck with his plan. On Valentine’s Day, I received a large lunchbox “big enough for all your Tupperware,” all the ingredients for an abstinent meal, and a kitchen I could maneuver around with ease.

I expressed my gratitude for this unorthodox Valentine’s Day surprise, and he told me how the other woman’s comment kind of scared him a little, but he knew he was dating a food addict in recovery. He figured that abstinent food and a working kitchen was better than flowers that would die in a few days or the traditional Valentine’s goodies—and he was absolutely right!

Anonymous 25

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.