December 2022: Renewed Strength. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

FA Stories of Recovery from Food Addiction

December 2022 $2.50

Renewed Strength

December 2022

Columns Qualification: Darkness Lifted. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 First 90 Days: Sleep Solution. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 COVID: Calling for Help. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4 No Matter What: Facing Fear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 Lighten Up: Pet Peeved. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

Features From Anxiety to Serenity. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6 Beginning the Journey. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 The Many Gifts of Recovery. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8 Journey to Healing. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 Slowing Down. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Releasing the Weight. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14

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Credits Front Cover Art: Sandi D., ME Back Cover Art: Meredith M., ME Graphic Design: Tickled Plum

Share your story & artwork If you have 90 days of continuous abstinence in FA, connection invites you to share your experience, strength, and hope with us. E-mail submissions to articles@foodaddicts.org or art@foodaddicts.org

Glossary of Terms FA: Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous AA: Alcoholics Anonymous AWOL: A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps Big Book: Alcoholics Anonymous 1 Stone = 14 pounds 1 Kilo = approx. 2.2 pounds Copyright © 2022 Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous 400 W. Cummings Park, Suite 1700 Woburn, MA 01801-6572

Qualification

Darkness Lifted

I

left home when I was 14 and moved to New York City to live with my sister. I instantly gravitated to the darker side of life. I couldn’t focus in school and I spent more time partying than studying.

My food addiction led to daily bingeing and purging and I also turned to drugs. I increasingly became more rageful, angry, and negative. I was diagnosed with depression and started taking antidepressants at age 16.

After graduating from college and moving to Boston, the party was finally over. I officially felt fat when I split my pants while bowling. The bulimia stopped working and every weekend I looked forward to escaping by smoking pot and getting drunk. I was in financial debt and felt like my world was slowly caving in. I was negative, depressed, and purposeless. My dishonesty robbed me of my serenity and I desperately wanted to escape.

I continued to struggle with bulimia, drugs, and alcohol for 10 years. Then, in 2004 at age 24, I found FA somewhat unexpectedly while doing an internship at a film company. I met someone in FA and inquired about his weight loss. He asked connection

me if I thought I might be a food addict and I instantly replied, “Yes!” I didn’t know it then, but I had the gift of desperation.

I am grateful that I had the willingness to attend my first meeting. I was the disgruntled newcomer who sat in the back, skeptical and somewhat cocky. Regardless of my initial feelings, I did notice beautiful, thin, and happy people who wanted to help me. I got hope. I knew that I needed a change. FA came at the perfect time.

I’m 33 now and grateful. These last nine years have been an incredible emotional, spiritual, and physical journey. I’ve been able to put down, one day at a time, not only flour and sugar but also smoking, drug use, alcohol, and obsessive relationships with men. It’s a miracle that I can walk through life without bingeing and purging. I have healthy relationships with friends and family.

I am happily married to a wonderful man who has only known me abstinent. I’m grateful that I’ve been working with the same sponsor since coming into FA. We have had our ups and downs, but I’ve learned that quality relationships take hard work and persistence through tough 1

working the Twelve Steps on a daily basis, my life is rich and I have a deep sense of peace that was unfathomable before.

FA has been the greatest gift in my life and I cherish my recovery. I’ve had my struggles but I’ve never left FA. I’ve strived to be honest with my sponsor.

I hope to be abstinent forever, but I’m always reminded to just focus on one day at a time. That philosophy helps me get through my darkest of days. I’ve learned that everything eventually passes, even the desire to eat.

Vera V., Massachusetts, US

KELLIE A., CA

times.

The rewards of following the FA program are plentiful. I have cleared up my debt, pursued a master’s degree, bought a condo, traveled all over the world, and wear cute and fashionable clothing.

Even more important than the material rewards are the spiritual gifts. Before Program, I had no connection with a power greater than myself. These days I rarely go through a day without calling on my higher power for help. In my quiet times, I continue to cultivate my relationship with the God of my understanding. Through

First 90 Days

Sleep Solution

A

good night’s sleep is a true blessing. Before I joined FA, whenever I went to bed I would start to choke and cough violently. I had to get up from my bed and sit in my recliner, which was in the living room where my husband was trying to watch TV. The wheezing and intense coughing hurt my stomach. Holding a small pillow tightly over my stomach as I coughed helped the pain.

Even at 322 pounds, I was in denial about my food addiction. It seemed to me I must be suffering from some mysterious nightly allergy problem. My doctor gave me an inhaler for the wheezing and advised me not to use perfumes and room fresheners anymore because I might be allergic. All of that gave me no relief from this nightly ordeal.

It wasn’t until I came into FA that I realized I do, indeed, have allergies, but to flour, sugar, and quantities. I tried not eating before bed but was never able to do it. After supper, I snacked in front of the TV until I was so full of food it made me exhausted. I would then go to bed, choke, get up, grab a pillow and blanket, and connection

head back to my recliner. When I finally fell asleep sitting in the chair, I snored loudly. My poor husband put closed captioning on the TV and endured yet another noisy evening.

My very first night in FA, I went to bed early. I was feeling sorry for myself because my husband was snacking and watching TV. It was too much temptation for me. That night, without the snacking to keep me up, I fell asleep easily in my own bed. I slept all night with absolutely no coughing or wheezing.

It wasn’t until my first night of abstinence that I made the connection between the choking and my eating. It was a true miracle. The next morning, I got up bright and early and called my sponsor. I told her with joy and amazement that I had been abstinent all night.

One day at a time for the last six years, because I have FA, I have slept quietly in my own lovely, soft, warm bed rather than in a recliner in the living room. My husband can watch TV as late as he wants and I enjoy the miracle of a good night’s sleep, all thanks to FA! Pamela H., Florida, US 3

COVID

Calling for Help

M

y boss told us to take work I was broke most of the time and did not home at the end of the work- have cash. At that time, I also had to order day because we would not be clothing online because the plus-size allowed into the building again for three clothing stores did not carry size 30/32 weeks or more. I was shocked. Is COVID clothing. Even online, my choices were that serious? limited, so I was usually forced to buy During my lunch hour I decided to go polyester muumuus. Today, I have freeshopping. I was dom to buy clothes completely unaware from any store I can It’s okay to be afraid, of how New York afford and pay with City was affected by it’s okay to ask God for help, cash. the pandemic. I’d As I continued to stopped watching walk, I found a drug and it’s okay to call television because I store and went in to found myself lusting buy an Easter plush my FA fellows after certain foods toy for my 22-yearand seeing them on old daughter. I for guidance. my 57-inch televistarted walking tosion screen did not wards the cashiers help. I walked to my favorite clothing and found myself in the snack aisle. I store and was shocked that it was thought, What am I doing in this aisle? closed. All the clothing stores were What is that about? I’ve been here dozens of closed! How could shops around Wall times and I didn’t walk down this aisle. I’ve Street be closed? Where are the annoy- been in FA for five years and I’ve experienced ing tourists? I felt scared and alone. joys, sadness, deaths, job change, empty nest Five years ago, before FA, I would have syndrome, and dating. I don’t eat over those run straight to the cafeteria to get a snack things and I don’t want to start now. I need to or two. Then I’d go to a restaurant to pick get out of here and make an outreach call. up some dinner using credit cards because That was such a miracle for me. I felt an in4

December 2022

Twelve Steps stinct to call and not eat.

On my way back to work, I was able to identify my feelings of fear and uncertainty and realized I was not prepared for COVID. What do I do? Where do I go?

What if I already got COVID in the subway? I was scared. I wanted to numb out; I didn’t want to feel these uncomfortable feelings.

For 50-plus years, I used food to press down my fears, my loneliness, my shame, and my sadness. I ate myself into oblivion or until I had a sugar blackout, waking up in panic wondering who took my food, as I brushed the crumbs off my chest and stomach. I did not want to feel any feelings then. Now, I do my tools to make me strong for when I’m weak.

After a short prayer, I made an outreach call and was reminded that, even in the face of a pandemic, I do not have to eat over it like I used to.

I will continue to do my one percent for my abstinence and my Higher Power will do the rest. What a relief. I find comfort during these uncertain times by utilizing the tools given to me by FA. Just for today, I don’t have to use food like a drug to numb me out or give me a sugar blackout. It’s okay to be afraid, it’s okay to ask God for help, and it’s okay to call my FA fellows for guidance.

Mary Lou R., New York, US connection

1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous5

From Anxiety to Serenity

I

n the eight months I have been in FA, had to go to my Higher Power for help.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and Only God could calm my fears, allowing how to cope with life, but never in a me to relax. This also helped me to stay on million years did I know that God was my food plan. preparing me for the Covid 19 pandemic.

Without FA and God this would have I was hearing bits and pieces of informa- never been my story. Before FA, food was tion about it, but I slowly killing me. thought it would Food was the great Before FA, food was never affect me belove of my life. Howcause it was in anever, it was also my slowly killing me. other country. Little enemy. It slowed me did I know how rapdown, stole my selfFood was the great love idly the virus was esteem, and demoving, and in a of my life. However, it was also stroyed my integrity. matter of days it was It owned me for in the good ol’ USA. my enemy. It slowed me down, such a long time. I At first, panic set in refuse to return to stole my self-esteem, and I headed to the that deep dark dungrocery store. There geon. and destroyed my integrity. were hundreds of This is why I must shoppers who were keep my recovery at filling their carts to capacity with flour the forefront so that I don’t return to that and sugar. As I was searching for my absti- dark place. FA has taught me to undernent food items, I had to stop momentar- stand, one day at a time, our slogans, such ily and take a mental inventory of what I as “Easy does it” or the acronym HALT needed so that I didn’t have to make mul- (hungry, angry, lonely, or tired). FA protiple trips. Then, anxiety took over and I vides me with enough strength and hope was obsessing over cleaning everything in to successfully live one day at a time and my house and not getting infected. This trust God in all things. behavior went on for several days until I Sonja R., US 6

December 2022

Beginning the Journey

I

t was a warm summer evening and I She started to explain her journey in FA. was hosting a retreat for my knitting When she got to the part about finding group, the Sisterhood of the Stitch. help for her migraines, I realized I wanted Six wonderful what she had. Even women were gather- When she got to the part about hearing her say, “no ing to spend a weekflour or sugar” didn’t end of yarn, gossip, finding help for her migraines, matter at that point. fine food, and drink.

I was very hopeful at Each friend arrived the prospect of no I realized I wanted and sat in the “stitch longer suffering what she had. circle,” otherwise from the nausea, loss known as the living of vision, and facial room. The chairs were soft and over- numbing that migraines brought. She stuffed, just as I felt I was. then said, “I brought my food for the When one of the members arrived, I weekend and have plenty to share.” She knew something proceeded to create about her was differWho would have thought a beautiful, satisfyent; not wrong, just ing meal that left me different. I hadn’t the outcome of a weekend feeling none of the seen her for about a usual bloating, year. The rosacea on lethargy, and acid rewith friends could her face had diminflux. Most of all, I have changed my life ished. She was didn’t feel guilty. bright-eyed and That’s where my FA so completely? smiling. She walked journey began.

Who would have with more enthusiasm and purpose. Most of all, she was 50 thought the outcome of a weekend with pounds lighter. On her five-foot tall friends could have changed my life so completely? frame, the weight loss was stunning.

Kathy M., US Of course, I asked what she had done. connection

7

The Many Gifts of Recovery

I

joined FA to lose weight and only to lose weight. I didn’t believe I had anything to gain from other aspects of the program.

I heard other fellows say they “Joined for the vanity and stayed for the sanity,” but I was perfectly sane. I was sure that all the other bits and pieces of the program, such as emotional and spiritual recovery, weren’t relevant or important. However, when my 12-yearold son recently underwent a minor surgical procedure, I reflected that night on the many moments during the day that made me realize the multi-faceted gifts of this program.

FA has given me the experience of living without the excess weight but, for the first time in my life, I became aware that it also allows me to live with an emotional lightness and a spiritual anchor when dealing with an extremely challenging day.

On the morning of his surgery, I had to wake up a whole hour earlier to fit in my morning tools. This was not overly appealing. I managed to draw strength and motivation to set my alarm clock and get out of bed extra early by reminding myself that my sponsor gets up at that time each and every day of the year. It also pleased me that I could be a role model for my sponsee, by putting an extra boundary in place instead of feeling sorry for myself and making allowances to 8

suit myself or my circumstances.

As we arrived at the hospital, we walked past the cafeteria that I was all too familiar with. When I made my frequent visits to my ailing father, this same cafeteria had always been my first pit stop to pacify myself with food in order to help me through those difficult visits. I was always of the opinion that I deserved a particular product because I was going through such an emotional time and because I had something extra to add to my already stressful schedule. On the day of my son’s surgery, however, I had my weighed and measured meals packed in my bag and I simply continued walking past the cafeteria, armed with a sense of serenity.

While waiting for the doctors to get ready for the surgery, my son was watching TV and I found myself making calls to and answering calls from fellows. I reflected on the fact that prior to joining FA, I would have been totally engrossed in work-related matters. At this same hospital, even during labor, I took work calls. What a gift to know that I had put work aside, placed it in its proper place for the day, and I could be connected and present for the moment.

When it was time for my son to be wheeled into the operating theater, the nurse gave him the option of having his mother by December 2022

DEB H., MA

his side while having the anesthetic administered. He anxiously looked at me and asked me to be there with him. The nurse quickly passed me a gown and I was delighted in the fact that I knew for certain the gown would fit me, now that I am in a right-sized body.

What a blessing. I was proud to be properly attired and present when my son needed me, rather than feeling humiliated because I couldn’t fit my morbidly obese body into a regular-sized gown.

During the operation, I was asked to wait in a passageway. There was a vending machine directly opposite and I imagined how many snacks I would have previously consumed to help soothe my nerves during this stressful time. I was grateful for the neutrality I had when faced with non-abstinent food staring back at me. I reminded myself of the advice a fellow had once given me, and I said to myself, “That’s not my food anymore. It once was, but not anymore.” connection

When the surgeon came to chat with me after the operation, he reported that all had gone well, but he could not guarantee that the corrective procedure would, in fact, be successful long-term. Instead of hounding him to know more about future surgical options so that I could feel in control, I decided to have faith that my Higher Power would be in the know, and to wait and see how things transpired.

Once discharged, my son and I spent a beautiful afternoon together. I was grateful to be of service to him, knowing that I had put my family before my work and that we could spend quality time together instead of being centered around food. I fell asleep knowing that feeling good is about more than just being at a healthy weight. This simple program, although not always easy, makes me not only look good, but feel good, too.

Bev S., Australia 9

Journey to Healing

I

was 19 years old and a wretch of a human being. I had come to the realization that the bulimia, starving, and bingeing that I practiced consistently since I was 13 years old was messing up my life. I sought care from a nutritionist, a hypnotherapist, my parents, psychologists, and the hospital emergency room.

On Super Bowl Sunday, when I was 19, I hosted a sorority retreat at my parent’s house. As usual, I couldn’t stop talking about the food plan I was on. I was convinced it was going to work this time. I was eating lots of food directly from the earth.

I wasn’t weighing and measuring, and I was eating a small amount of a sugary substance for breakfast every morning. I had been on this plan for two weeks. When the sorority girls left the retreat at my parent’s home, I was still there and feeling terribly lonely. My boyfriend came over and we had an argument. I ate something that wasn’t on my food plan, and I couldn’t stop. It was an absolutely miserable binge.

After I took that bite, I went home, where my roommates were having guests to watch the game. I was still feeling the tension of the fight I had with my love, and I kept eating. When the traditional game food arrived, I was glued to the table. People 10

questioned me about my food plan. By that time, I had begun drinking because my nutritionist had said certain types of alcohol in moderate amounts was healthy. She didn’t understand the way my body physically reacts to liquid and solid sugar. I responded to my friends with a slurred, “This is on my food plan!” I began eating a whole bag of snack items that were also on my food plan but were supposed to be eaten in small amounts. My boyfriend’s roommate kept asking me why I was eating so much. I don’t know if my boyfriend had told him about my eating problem yet, but that day it was visible for everyone to see. I don’t remember who was playing the game. All I remember was dip, dip, dip. I didn’t and couldn’t do anything about my compulsion. I escaped to my bedroom with my boyfriend and passed out. I woke up the next morning with a splitting headache and a swollen stomach. This was the horrid way I began the next semester of college.

Shortly after that night, I broke up with my boyfriend. I knew I needed help, and I thought that eliminating him would be a start. In hindsight, eliminating a lot of things got me headed toward the recovery I found in FA. But it wasn’t until I joined FA that I had clarity about who and what truly December 2022

needed to be in and out of my life. I regretted the way I threw him and others out of my life. I don’t do that anymore, thank you God. When I got to FA, I was told that sugar and flour were out. I was still throwing up my food well into being in FA. Although I didn’t want to hear that I had to weigh and measure, I learned that the way I was handling food was leading me to a sore stomach, scabby fingers from purging, and gas that smelled toxic. When I began eating the way my sponsor suggested, I started to heal.

It took me a while and it has been a journey toward attaining solid, contented abstinence.

I needed a few more trips back to the food while being in FA, just to make sure I was a food addict, and to trust that my fellows and sponsor weren’t going anywhere.

I show my appreciation for an abstinent Super Bowl Sunday now by staying abstinent, keeping my AWOL commitments, connection

returning phone calls, attending my committed meetings, and telling others how much their recovery has affected and impacted my life. I am going to a party to celebrate my home team tomorrow. I only know a few people who are going, but recovery has taught me how to relax, be confident, be myself, listen to others, and have a good time. I am looking forward to humbly taking out my Tupperware when it is time to eat dinner.

I have learned not to be ashamed of who I am, a food addict.

Today my heart sings because I have forgiven myself for hurting myself with food, sex, alcohol, and saying harmful words about othMEREDITH M., ME ers and myself. I can be a kind and gentle soul now. I can get to know new people and am not afraid of them. Weighing and measuring my food, praying constantly to God, and working closely with a sponsor have made all this possible. I feel remade. I feel victorious.

Anonymous 11

Slowing Down

F

or most of my adult life, I have heard people talk about having a quiet time with God. I was attracted to that idea, especially when people spoke of how it gave them peace and serenity and a connection with God that accompanied them throughout the rest of their day. That connection to a higher power helped them live through their day regardless of the ups and downs life brought their way. I desired that same quiet time, peace, and serenity, but I was never willing to take the action to experience it. I could not get myself to bed early enough to wake up for a quiet moment, let alone a full half hour. The first way I let myself down every day was to hit my snooze alarm at least twice, before I finally got 12

up. Bingeing and staying up until the wee hours of the morning did not help my good intentions.

That was life before FA. Today, I know what it means to make a commitment and keep it. I have amazing quiet times. I connect with God and feel peace and serenity in the morning. This connection stays with me throughout my day. It helps me stay abstinent, weighing and measuring my food, as well as my life, as I work the tools of this program.

Recently, I had the opportunity to have an especially impactful quiet time while visiting my in-laws in Ohio. I took my quiet time each morning out on their backyard deck which leads into a small forest. One MINDY P., FL morning after readDecember 2022

ing our Twenty-Four Hours a Day portion, which suggested that asking for help should not be held back by the material things of the world, I asked God to lead me out of my materialism and into a simpler, more uncluttered life. Sitting outside in silence for my quiet time brings me a different, deeper sense of peace. I don’t do it often, but I really enjoy it.

Later that morning, walking through my family’s property, still carrying that peace from my quiet time, I encountered a mother deer and her two young fawns with their beautiful, dappled coats. I stood still so as not to disturb them. The mother deer was across the way from her fawns, and she very calmly walked back towards them and led them away from me and deeper into the forest. It was beautiful.

In that short period of time between my morning reading, quiet time, and my walk, I had experienced so much beauty. I didn’t miss it because I had been sleeping in, experiencing that food coma from having binged the night before, or driving off in that quick morning fury that used to characterize my life before Program. Today, I have a program and it guides me to start my mornings with a quiet time that can be taken whenever and wherever I am, on vacation or into work, and into every part of my day and life. When I slow down, I can appreciate the gift that this life truly is.

Julie Z., Texas, US connection

Twelve Traditions 1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or FA as a whole.

5. Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the food addict who still suffers.

6. An FA group ought never endorse, finance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9. FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous13

Releasing the Weight

I

came into FA weighing 159 pounds. I had been in another Twelve Step program for food for 15 years and was somewhat of an indigenous pillar in Twelve Step groups for other substances in my country of Kenya. I was grateful when FA “found” me, down on my knees, begging for sanity around body weight and food. I was ready and willing when at last I made the decision to start. I was finally ready to make the 6am sponsor calls, eat my meals, abstain from flour and sugar, weigh and measure my food—the works. The weight fell off quickly and so did the sizes.

Before joining FA, I was squeezing into sizes that did not fit, unbeknownst to me. I only found out later when good-hearted colleagues told me, “Oh, now you fit into your clothes.” By the end of the first year, I was a size 10 and within the next few months, a size 8, then a size 6. At 114 pounds, I was totally blissful. I reached my goal weight and I could let go of thoughts of dress size, fitting, even choice. Optimum health, zeal, and mobility was what I experienced.

My time of bliss ended as my body has had to adjust to menopause, a hysterectomy, and the removal of my left ovary. These physical changes forced me to reconcile with my ageold fear of losing control.

14

I have put on 10 extra pounds and I need to talk about my weight because only I see the madness inside. I am the only person in FA in my country; the closest FA members are long air flights away. I need to talk about weight because when I see my inside, I am not well enough yet to be normal.

It is a humbling experience. It is teaching me to rely on my Higher Power to release emotional weight and to clarify deluded thoughts. I am learning to appreciate my inner and outer beauty and constantly look at being honest about the addictions I still cling to. I know for sure this disease is mental far more than it is physical. I know now to be gentle with myself and share my thoughts with other food addicts. It is comforting to know that this inside challenge is not uncommon amongst us and that it is not vain of me to want to make amends with my body.

I humbly realize that recovery has given me the gift of abstinence and clear vision. I can and do accept that I am honest with my recovery, that my body now gives me real signals, that I can trust it. I simply need to give my body the space to make the adjustments it needs post-surgery and throughout menopause to settle down and recover.

Wanjeri M., Kenya December 2022

No Matter What

Facing Fear FA has helped me develop a daily practice of bringing all my fears to God. I thought I’d handled the scary fears related to being prediabetic and having had bariatric surgery. I thought I had this down until I recently faced a health challenge. The kind of fear I experienced challenged me in ways I could not have imagined.

My annual medical check-up visit started off well. My physician was pleasantly surprised by my weight loss and the improvement in my blood sugar levels. I left the appointment feeling quite well and grateful for all of the many improvements in my life since returning to FA. Then I mentioned to my mother, a retired nurse, that I had a small lump under my ear, which didn’t worry my doctor. My mom felt the lump and suggested I get it looked at immediately.

I met with my primary care physician and was referred to an ENT (ear, nose, and throat specialist), who quickly diagnosed me as having a mass on the parotid gland.

The first step was a CAT scan. The second was a biopsy. My husband was there with me as the doctor said the word “biopsy.” We both took a deep breath. I immediately thought connection

about not telling my kids until we had more information. I didn’t want to scare them, but I was plenty scared.

The time between tests and results was about two weeks. My quiet time was filled with prayer and calls to my fellows were filled with hope and gratitude. There were moments when my old behaviors crept forward, but I knew sugar and flour would not relieve me of the fear. In the past, I always soothed myself by putting something in my mouth.

I had to use all my tools to make it through the two weeks. I re-read the chapter on acceptance in the Big Book, wrote a letter to God, called my fellows, and spoke daily with my sponsor. Even so, I was still so gripped with fear that I started grinding my teeth at night. It took time, but eventually I fully turned the care of the diagnosis over to God. At the end of the waiting period, I was informed by my ENT that the mass was benign. However, the mass had to be removed and fully examined to ensure there was no cancer. I quickly agreed to the surgery and scheduled it for four weeks later.

My parents were relieved and advised me to check the surgeon’s background and get a second opinion if I had any concerns. Wow. 15

That really planted a seed of fear in me. Now I have to worry if the doctor is sufficiently skilled for the procedure? I looked into the surgeon’s background and discovered he was just five years into his career. Immediately I questioned if this surgeon was too young.

Maybe an older surgeon, more experienced with the procedure, would be better. I scheduled the second opinion.

My sponsor told me to be aware of the assumptions I was making about young surgeons. “Ask more questions,” she suggested, “instead of relying on stereotypes.” I asked my surgeon about his experience with this particular surgery. I asked about the level of difficulty and the length of the surgery. I asked about possible side effects. One side effect was facial paralysis. That scared me to death.

I have to be on camera for work and did not want to look like I’d had a stroke. Fortunately, the young surgeon was more than willing to speak to my concerns and discuss probabilities.

Still, I scheduled the second opinion with the older surgeon. He was with a more prestigious academic health system. Turns out he had taught the younger surgeon. What are the odds of that? He also had more than 20 years of experience. Eureka! This is the guy.

That night I spoke to my fellows and sponsor about the comparison. “Pray on it and ask God for help in making the choice,” was the frequent advice I received from my fellows.

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My sponsor’s constant refrain about not allowing fear to guide my decisions was a beacon for me. I became still and gave the concern to God. On my knees each day, I prayed the Third Step prayer. I knew much of the fear was about the surgery itself, not the physician. I had no reason to believe the younger surgeon was not capable. In fact, the older surgeon spoke of the younger’s excellent skills. For a week, I asked God to show me the correct path. On the eighth day, I called the older surgeon’s office and thanked him and his staff but let them know I was moving forward with the younger surgeon.

I’m happy to report he did a fantastic job.

He removed the mass, minimized the scarring, and there were no complications from the surgery during or after. The mass was benign, and I am whole and well today with no facial paralysis. Thank you, God. Knowing I faced the fear and did not give in is comforting. Knowing I never broke my abstinence is also comforting. I could only stay in prayer and hope by calling my fellows, reading my literature, and listening to my sponsor.

The promises of the program are real. We do not have to live in fear. We can hand all of our concerns over to the care of God and make a determination to follow God’s will in our lives.

LaVonne S., Illinois, US December 2022

Lighten Up!

“P

Pet Peeved

lease participate alone in a quiet, private location free of children and pets.” This statement was read aloud at one of my video meetings each week. It was a meeting discipline that I didn’t follow very well. The reason is I have a very special dog named Shadow. She’s part Chihuahua, part mutt, and pure-bred spoiled.

Shadow is glued to my hip once I get home from work, and all weekend. Her name fits her perfectly. Wherever I go, she goes, too, and that includes the bathroom and video meetings.

Shadow attended so many meetings with me that she began to recognize the order of things we said each week. One time, we were finishing up a meeting during the first week of the month. This meant that we were going to have a business meeting following our weekly FA meeting. At the close of the first meeting, we all unconnection

muted and said the Serenity Prayer aloud together.

At the start of the prayer, Shadow bounded up out of her bed and ran to the door. She wore a look of expectation as she pranced by the door, and it hit me that she realized the Serenity Prayer meant it was time to leave the room and go for our evening walk. It was time to go back into the world fortified by the FA meeting and shares. Needless to say, she was very disappointed when we said the Serenity Prayer again right away in order to start the monthly business meeting.

The disappointed look on her face was priceless, and I promised her we’d walk soon. To me, the Serenity Prayer is surrendering to my Higher Power, but to Shadow it has a whole other meaning. It makes me smile knowing she has heard it often enough that she recognizes what usually comes next.

Mindy P., Florida, US SUSAN

F., NY

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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.