September 2022: A Life Without Fear. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

FA Stories of Recovery from Food Addiction

September 2022 $2.50

A Life Without Fear

September 2022

Columns Qualification: Tried It All. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1 First 90 Days: No Reservations. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 No Matter What: Even Through Tragedy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Lighten Up: Hidden Hazard. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

Features Using Prayer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 Warding Off Isolation. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6 The Dating Game. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .8 A Change of Heart. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 Something Wasn’t Working. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13 Planning For Abstinence. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14

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Credits Front Cover Art: Norma Jean P., OH Back Cover Art: Anonymous Graphic Design: Tickled Plum

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Glossary of Terms FA: Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous AA: Alcoholics Anonymous AWOL: A Way of Life, a study of the Twelve Steps Big Book: Alcoholics Anonymous 1 Stone = 14 pounds 1 Kilo = approx. 2.2 pounds Copyright © 2022 Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous 400 W. Cummings Park, Suite 1700 Woburn, MA 01801-6572

Qualification

Tried It All

I

remember raising my head from the toilet seat, where I had just shed my stinking guts. I turned to God and said, “I promise I won’t do it again.” But later that day, I sat in the dining facility of the university campus, gulping down a second lunch. After a purge was always the next binge.

Burning with guilt and shame, I decided to eat only fruit for the rest of the week. It soon changed into only eating flour for a whole week, then to eating exclusively non-fat products to try to limit the damage my uncontrollable greed had caused to my body, my work, and my relationships.

I changed that resolution and decided on a seven-day grain diet, a plan I got from a health-food store. Then I did a seven-day fast, hoping that total abstinence from food would lift the obsession, but I ended up bingeing worse than ever.

I felt like a greedy, insatiable glutton, always in pursuit of food, movies, theater, traveling, work, relationships, clothes, or self-hurting in order to avoid bingeing and purging.

I also tried following the suggestions of professionals to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, without restrictions. They said that my eating habits would level out automaticonnection

cally if my soul recognized that there are no forbidden foods. One therapist assured me that if I worked on my childhood trauma efficiently enough, the eating disorder would level out. It never happened in 20 years.

I finally stopped searching and came into FA. I experienced a three-year period where I could stop throwing up. My binges were moderate, almost not present at times. I had a lot of excuses and denials. I told myself that I could extend a normal meal with desserts, hot beverages, fruit, and goodies because I had not eaten that much. I told myself that I deserved it, that I had never tried that item, or that it wouldn’t hurt me that one time. I told myself that I could stop eating after I had one of something. I firmly believed in my rationalizations.

I also was in love. Thank God for a healthy relationship, I thought, but declined when the man I loved proposed to me. My idea was that there was someone better out there. I looked for a room of my own that would give me privacy to resume bingeing and purging and, of course, find my real love somewhere out there.

I binged after my therapist was ill and had to end our relationship, and after I lost a child 1

in the third month of pregnancy. I ate after strong exercise, after a fast, after a challenging counseling session, after sex, after a nap, when I was angry, and when my boyfriend of the month did not do what I wanted. I never really knew why I binged. I would tell myself that it was a slip, and then I would vow to start anew the next day. My clean slate was an empty stomach after purging.

Like the jaywalker in the AA Big Book story, describing the man who kept getting hurt again and again, continually being hurt made me feel important. I felt attracted to misery. With perverse pleasure, I let the world revolve around my wounds, helplessness, and despair. This expressed itself most in the way I attracted men for one-night stands when I had just ended a period of starving and drinking as an alternative. I did not care who I slept with. I just latched onto the guy who seemed ready for an adventure. I did not care about whether I liked him or whether I could contract a disease, get pregnant, or bring home some violent maniac.

When I asked my psychiatrist about an honest appraisal of my chances to recover, she told me point blank, “You will always have trouble controlling your eating. Why don’t you file for disability?” I was devastated.

Shortly after, another ferocious eating bout left me so humiliated that I had nowhere else to go but back to FA. I had no power left to fight the merciless obsession to destroy my2

self with food. I started to work all the tools of recovery in FA and started to get well.

Today, I start every day with a prayer on my knees and ask for another abstinent day. I am being transformed. I express my complete willingness to do whatever my creator wants me to do. I pray for kindness, consideration, love, and respect in all my interactions. I use affirmations to avert negative thinking and despondency, which are my greatest enemies.

I tell myself that I deserve to be healed and to have a happy, joyous life. I accept help so I can help others. I am part of humankind—useful and responsible. I believe that I can heal if I persevere.

Now, 12 years into recovery, I am 50 years old and abstinent. I am neither disabled, retired, nor unemployable. I am surrounded with loving, well meaning, and reliable people. I have work, enough money, good health, and a harmonious life. My family relations have been restored. Doing service in FA, sponsoring, and meeting newcomers are an important part of my daily life. I care for others and do not feel isolated. I have resumed playing the piano, which is a source of joy for me. I feel whole and complete without having to be in a partnership. I am not driven by desires and wants. My happiness now comes from inside. FA has given me a balanced lifestyle that keeps the destructive forces of my disease at bay, one day at a time.

Anonymous September 2022

First 90 Days

No Reservations

O

n my ninetieth day of abstinence, picked up the phone and left numerous mesmy car was broken into and all sages, asking people to call me back. the jewelry I sell was stolen. I had I received a call back and was able to share spent all last year building my inventory. what was going on with me, with no reservaMy work life is now tions. I shared that I in transition, and was afraid of going today I found myself back to a nine-to-five sinking into a low job after having so place. After lunch I much freedom over started to feel overthe past year. The whelmed and desperfeedback from the ate, and asking God woman I called was for help was not that she had been out changing my of work the entire thoughts or the way I time her daughter SUSIE C., UK felt. I was worrying was young and went that I might have to back to work when go back to working I received a call back and was her daughter was in for someone else and junior high school. able to share what was going on the thought was not She shared that at appealing to me. I felt times in her recovery with me, with no reservations. scared and frightened she was petrified that I wouldn’t be caabout taking steps to pable of holding a job, even though I had find employment after so long, but that she held jobs my entire life and my last job was in continued to move forward, despite her feelan executive position. The tool of telephone ings. This was encouraging. I knew that if she often saves me from emotional binges, des- could do it, so could I, with just one action perate feelings, and procrastination, so I followed by the next, as long as I didn’t eat. connection

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Twelve Traditions We ended the phone conversation and another member called me back. I realized that the feelings of desperation had lifted and was reminded that that tools of this program work.

My life today is good. I am in a thin body, which is what I wanted through my whole adult life. I know that if I follow this program, I can stay in a thin body, and my relationship with myself and others will continue to improve.

I know that if I follow this program, I can stay in a thin body, and my relationship with myself and others will continue to improve.

I presently live with my brother, and I no longer eat him out of house and home. I contribute financially, do little things to help him, and make him lovely meals when I am making mine. I am present when people need to talk, and I try to be helpful when an opportunity arises. I have a long way to go, but today I have hope, and that is one thing I did not have before FA. Maryann S., Florida, US 4

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or FA as a whole.

5. Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the food addict who still suffers.

6. An FA group ought never endorse, finance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

7. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

9. FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

September 2022 Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

Using Prayer

M

y mother-in-law had a way of saying things that would touch a nerve in me. In such moments, my resentment towards her would rise, and I would want to eat. Take my son’s graduation from high school, for example. Following the ceremony there was a reception, and instead of joining us to congratulate my son, my mother-inlaw rushed outside to sit by herself near the coat room. Her first words following the reception were to ask why we didn’t rush to her rather than my son.

Instead of using food to address my feelings of frustration, I used prayer to lift my resentment. Having faith in G-d and in the program allowed me to be willing and open-minded enough to change my reaction to the situation.

It turned out that my mother-in-law was connection

hurting from pain due to an arthritic knee, and that is why she isolated herself from the crowd. The day after the ceremony, I called to thank her for joining us, and she was so overwhelmed with emotion that she said she wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

Coincidentally, I learned later the same day that my mother-in-law had made a donation to a fundraising initiative my husband and I were running.

Her donation helped us exceed our goal. While this might seem unrelated to the graduation cereSUSAN F., NY mony, I couldn’t help believing that this was a response to my praying and asking G-d to remove my resentment. It also showed me that G-d works in mysterious ways, ones that I really have to be grateful for. That feeling of gratitude is better than any food I have ever tasted.

Shawna O., Toronto, Canada 5

Warding Off Isolation

O

ne of the sayings I’ve heard a lot in FA is we have a disease of isolation. This is one I haven’t always strongly identified with. Yes, my world became fairly small at the height of my disease, consisting mostly of unhealthy romantic relationships and fairweather friends who tolerated my eating and self-centered behavior. But I’ve always been close with my large, boisterous family and had at least small groups of people in my life. I wasn’t isolated.

Early on, however, without the balm of food, alcohol, and high-drama social situations, I realized how afraid I became around people. The break at meetings was uncomfortable, so I stuck close to my sister who came to FA with me, or I wanted to escape to the bathroom. The lunchroom at work, parties, and any kind of social gathering made me realize that I do have the disease of isolation. Without a buffet to focus on, I’d much prefer to stay home and be comfortable.

I have learned in FA to show up despite my discomfort. The first way I began to do this was to have meals with FA friends before or after meetings. When I branched outside of FA to social gatherings, I was told to ask God for help and 6

look for someone else in the room that was uncomfortable and talk to them.

Slowly, it became somewhat easier to show up as my world became larger. I learned to eat lunch in the conference room with colleagues, show up at parties, even to host some of my own.

Now, the pandemic has given me an excuse not to socialize at all for long stretches of time. I prefer to stay in my PJs and watch TV or read over being with people. However, my husband is much more social than I am, and it is good for my recovery and my marriage to be willing to go out with people outside of my nuclear family occasionally.

A couple of weeks ago, one of my husband’s friends asked us to go to dinner with him and his wife. Although my first internal instinct was no thank you, outwardly, I agreed and suggested a restaurant where it would be easy for me to eat abstinently. As the day approached, I became reluctant to go to the restaurant we chose. The omicron variant of COVID was in full force. We had contracted the virus a month prior, and I really didn’t want to risk getting it again. I told my husband my concerns and he agreed. The others suggested we get takeout from the September 2022

restaurant and eat at our house.

Admittedly, I have not done this often, so I talked to my sponsor about the details, and she assured me this would be fine. She told me how she does takeout with company when she doesn’t have the time or energy to entertain. Despite this assurance, on Thursday night (the date was on Saturday) I began to go a little berserk about dinner, obsessively asking my husband questions. How would I know what to order for the other couple?

Should I weigh my food in front of them?

Do we eat out of the to-go containers or on plates? Then my thoughts shifted to me, What if my portions don’t equal the portions on my food plan, do I cook more? Then what’s the point of not cooking? Why am I always cooking? This isn’t fair, Why do I have to be so weird? Why does FA make me do this?

Realizing my thoughts were getting out of control, I texted my sponsor and told her what was going on. She said although she might be missing something, she didn’t understand why it needed to be complicated. She suggested sending the other couple the menu, asking them what they’d like, ordering for myself, and picking up the food. That sounded sane, so we did that, and I let it go.

I made a large salad for everyone to share and weighed mine beforehand.

When the food arrived, I weighed my connection

portions out. I don’t even think our guests noticed what I was doing even though I had the scale on the counter right in front of them. If they did, they didn’t say anything or even look at me askew.

This kind of thing has happened to me before. I realized afterwards that I still have some of that social anxiety or the disease of isolation that comes along with my disease of food addiction. Once I let go of the food situation, I realized I had been practicing our conversation in my mind, wondering what the other couple would think of our house or our child’s behavior, and how to sensitively respond to their difficult situation with their family.

Although I’m not particularly proud of the whirlwind I put my husband through about a simple dinner with friends, I later realized that what I was really worried about was not just the food. The difference in my life in recovery is that I reached out and asked for help from my sponsor and the God of my understanding. I put on a size 4 outfit and felt good about how I looked. I weighed and measured a clean, abstinent meal, and had a good time. While the wine was flowing and the appetizers were shared among the others, I felt at peace and fulfilled with my abstinent meal and the fact that I don’t live in isolation, one day at a time.

Joanna A., Washington DC, US 7

The Dating Game

L

ooking back, I can see why I had so many first dates. All the dates I went on before recovery were over the moment I picked up the bite. Actually, they were over if I had taken the bite earlier that day. I was there in body, but not in mind or spirit. I can’t even remember conversation topics I had on my dates. What I can recall is that the conversation would somehow spin back to me and whatever issue of the moment I was having in my life (which was always about eating or controlling food). I didn’t have the common sense, tact, or skill to have a simple interaction with another person. I couldn’t talk about the latest trends, local happenings, or even the weather, because I wasn’t aware of the time of year and seasons. I didn’t notice buds on trees and that clouds had different shapes until my first year in FA. 8

Prior to FA recovery, I binged on highfat, sugar, and flour products or exercised for three hours before a date. On the day of the date, or the day before, I would eat and then throw up. Often, when I was in a bulimic phase of my disease, I felt so much self-hatred that I would cancel dates because I didn’t feel deserving of the male attention. This applied to exercise bulimia as well. I canceled a date SUSAN D., CA once because I had eaten earlier in the day and decided to ride my bike to visit my parents in another city (20 miles away) to eat more food.

Dating after four years of abstinence is so different from dating in disease. I am present for every moment, even the insecure ones. I feel every feeling, see every glance he gives me, and am aware of every thought that crosses my mind. My defects are right in front of me at all moments and, thank you God, so is my September 2022

Higher Power.

Last Saturday night was a dream, compared to the nightmare of my food-addicted dating life. The guy I am now dating picked me up and I was ready, thanks to the FA habit of being on time for morning calls and meetings. He took me to a lodge by the beach that I used to fantasize about when my family would drive by it when I was a little girl. In the restaurant, we ate at a window-seat table looking over the water. Although the weather was foggy and gray, the sun was shining, and God was present deep in my heart and in the conversation. We talked about our friends and ourselves. We shared experiences we have had with each other and others. I was present.

When the food came, we talked about how delicious it was. It’s a gift to have a tasty and guilt-free meal. The date lasted a little longer, with some light talking in the car. There were even some moments of quiet, which aren’t so uncomfortable and binge-producing for me anymore. I used to have to fill the empty space with nonsense talk. After the nonsense, the self-hatred would come, and then I’d go home and eat a bunch of fat.

We said our goodbyes at a decent hour. Thank you, God. My head was clear, my heart was open, and yes, we are still dating.

Anonymous connection

Twelve Steps 1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous9

A Change of Heart

L

ast week a friend did something that After another week of writing, I was able upset me during a group meeting. to accept that, like me, she’s human and huAs the day wore on, I was still feeling mans make mistakes. I have come to underangry. Why did she do that? Her inappro- stand that my expectations of other people priate behavior was taking up space in my are often much too high, and this incident mind. Later that night, I realized I was build- was just another example. At this point, I ing a resentment. I knew I needed to pray felt more relaxed about what happened for this friend, so that during the meeting, night when I got on but I was still not Looking back, I can’t believe ready to let it go, and my knees, I did what was suggested on I suggested to my that this change of heart page 552 of AA’s Big sponsor that now I Book, and I said the needed to telephone happened in such resentment prayer. my friend to ask her Five days later, dewhy she did what she a short period of time. spite saying the redid. Once again, my sentment prayer each sponsor asked me to night, I was still boiling mad and avoiding keep writing in order to figure out my momy friend. The situation finally came pour- tive for initiating the conversation and deing out on my sponsor call, who asked me termine what I might say, should the to use the tool of writing to figure out what conversation occur. it was about the situation that made me I sat down to write again and drafted a react so strongly. Over the next few days, I script. During my next quiet time, it hit me did just that. The insight I received by writ- that what I really wanted to do was punish ing was not something I was particularly her for her choice of words and actions durproud of, but I had to admit that my friend ing that meeting. The outcome I wanted had acted in a way that I have acted in the was for her to admit to me that she made a past—large and in charge—and it bothered mistake, to say she was sorry. I also knew me more because I didn’t like it when I be- that wanting to punish her was a childish haved that way myself. notion and expecting her to admit wrong10

September 2022

SHARON H., MA

doing was unreasonable. I liked this person and felt that she was someone I could develop an even stronger friendship with.

Would this help in any way? I started to have second thoughts about initiating this conversation.

It took another few days of writing and reflection before I could finally be completely honest with myself and admit that my anger came from fear. I was afraid of doing the connection

same thing in the future, of behaving the same way myself. I was surprised at how much lighter I felt when I realized I could let the whole thing go. When we spoke the next time, I was able to greet her warmly and sincerely.

Looking back, I can’t believe that this change of heart happened in such a short period of time. How did this miracle, this 180-degree change of heart, come to be?

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Why had I, without my sponsor’s urging, was a new day one for me and a big surrenstarted to pray for this person? der, but one I am now very thankful that I I couldn’t help but review my FA history. was willing to make. Finally, I admitted to I heard about this program back in 2009. I the depth of my being that I was a food addidn’t jump in right away, but eventually I dict and that nothing except working this got desperate and program every day found a sponsor, who could keep my obsesFinally, I admitted to the depth shared the food plan sion with food at bay. and tools with me.

With over two of my being that I was Over the next 16 years of abstinence, I months I proceeded a food addict and that nothing now recognize that, to lose 140 pounds. I like my willingness to got into a right-sized except working this program get a new sponsor body and my life imand go back to day proved in all aspects. one, my change of every day could keep But in early 2016, my heart with my friend’s husband’s health de- my obsession with food at bay. behavior was a spiriteriorated and the retual experience. In ality of his life after a surgery necessitated another Twelve-Step program, I heard many changes for our family. I put my hus- about the difference between sobriety— band’s health ahead of my recovery, and putting down the addictive substance—and eventually, I had a break. emotional sobriety, the implication being I never left FA and continued to work that the two states don’t always happen towith a sponsor, but I was in denial about my gether and sometimes it takes a long time commitment and willingness. I proceeded to experience emotional sobriety. I now beto struggle with flour and sugar over the lieve that my immediate reaction to pick up next two-and-a-half years, only reaching 90 the tools and take my sponsor’s suggestions days of abstinence once during that dark was an indication of emotional sobriety—I time. My sponsor and many trusted fellows finally felt at peace. Although some days I were very kind and helpful, but I continued feel like I’m only trudging this road of happy to think that extra food would help. Finally, destiny, on many days I have a lightness of I asked someone I was a little afraid of to spirit and can say I feel happy, joyous, and sponsor me. She agreed under one condi- free. tion; that I come to her as a newcomer. That Susan T., Canada 12

September 2022

Something Wasn’t Working

W

hen the COVID-19 virus forced me to work from home I thought it sounded like a paid vacation! I could take naps during the day, organize my craft closets, make greeting cards for the next craft fair, and follow it all up with another nap. All my home-based job would require of me was to answer the phone and respond to emails if needed.

On the first day working from home, I received only one call the entire day. At first, I thought, This is great!, but then I felt a wave of guilt wash over me for getting paid and not doing any work.

Suddenly I had a flashback to many days in the office when I did nothing the whole day and felt proud of myself. The next day I experienced anxieties, frustration, and anger because of all the work left undone. Instead of looking inward and trying to improve myself, I’d get angry at my co-workers. I’d tell myself that my co-workers were doing nothing all day, while I had a pile of work to do. It felt unfair. I thought, I’m the only person working in this department. I’m the best and most knowledgeable employee in this department. I was always taking my coworkers’ inventory while my work piled connection

up. My denial caused me to be resentful.

Four years later, I now realize that I was the cause of the toxic atmosphere at work.

Talk about a lack of integrity, stealing company time, and arrogance. I felt ashamed of my behavior and thinking.

In reality, I was not as good an employee as I thought.

Being at home the following days continued to reveal more of my poor work ethic and toxic office behaviors. I blamed my co-workers for my own antisocial behaviors and lack of coping skills.

In hindsight, I can see my rebellious spirit and arrogant behavior. I owe some amends at work, but I don’t have the words to express them yet.

This is when I pray to my Higher Power, call my sponsor, contact my FA fellows, and ultimately ask for help. FA helped me realize that I don’t have to eat over these feelings and bad behaviors.

Wishing these issues away will not work. I have a Higher Power and a program to guide me. I am not alone anymore. I thank God for the glimpse of self-awareness and the willingness to change. This too shall pass.

Mary Lou R., New York, US 13

Planning For Abstinence

L

et me start by saying that in this moment, I am abstinent. One day at a time, I commit the third-step prayer and offer prayers to a higher power asking to be assisted in all my efforts to remain abstinent today.

This morning, I told my sponsor my food plan for the day. I live alone, I work from home alone, and I do not report to anyone for my work on a daily basis. Therefore, my connection to my sponsor is an integral part of my mental health. She is not my higher power, nor my God, nor my last word. My recovery is in God’s hands along with my ego, my personality, my strengths, and my weaknesses. God’s grace covers my back, a saying my old Irish culture has passed down to me.

So here I am, standing in front of my refrigerator, and there is no lettuce. I have spent the last two hours preparing old perishable foods so they will not be wasted. I pull out old recipes from my younger days, basking in the comfort of nostalgia. I think about calling my daughter who lives in another state, just to hear her voice again and pass on the recipe I cooked when my children were little tykes, before their dad passed away. I feel the need to share some memories, but the better parenting I learned in Al-Anon (a support organization for the families and friends of 14

people battling addiction) slows me down to be respectful of the fact that it is now her working hours, and I decide to wait patiently until after five o’clock.

I keep cleaning out the refrigerator to make room for new produce. This morning, I told my sponsor I was planning to go to the grocery store today. I think, Is it really necessary, if I am only out of lettuce?It is part of my daily step work in life to question my motivations in this and other actions. Am I fearful? Am I looking for distraction from difficult feelings? Am I looking to be entertained? Is enjoying the stimulation of the colors, the foods, and the actions of others in the store underneath this thought? Am I solidly in fit spiritual condition to go there today?

A friend in program once said, “Prior proper planning prevents poor performance.” I had written that down and taped it to my refrigerator. It so speaks to the need to value and protect my abstinence. I’ll talk to a fellow in recovery with my baggy-covered cellphone. Then I’ll wait while God helps me figure out the next right thing for me to do. I am so very blessed to have a relationship with a higher power and enough willingness to do things differently than I would have done when I was in disease.

Lucinda L., New Hampshire, US September 2022

No Matter What

Even Through Tragedy

I

had been in FA for about seven weeks when I found out that my 25-year-old daughter had been in a fatal car accident. This was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me.

Thank goodness I was in FA, because I had to stay strong for my other daughter.

Throug hout this extremely difficult time, I did not have a break. I knew if I did, I might never come back to FA. I felt it was necessary to stay abstinent rather than take a chance.

I make a lot of

connection

FA calls, and a few weeks after my daughter was killed, I was talking to a fellow who lives nearby and told her the horrible news. She told me she was a grief counselor and she had blocked out her plans for the following Saturday because she had a feeling something was going to come up for her that day. She told me she would come to my house (free of charge) on Saturday and help me with my grieving process.

She got to my house at 10 a.m. and left at 2 p.m. It was a very sad and difficult day, but I was in disbelief that someone would do that for me, and I was

ROBIN M., NY

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so thankful. When she left, she thanked two big, beautiful babies. Over the next few me! I was very grateful for her service and years, I got down to my pre-pregnancy was beginning to see how FA worked. It weight and then found out that my husband was a pathological liar. We stayed towas amazing. gether for two years I don’t remember ended up getting but much of my childSince I’ve never dealt with divorced. hood. My mom I didn’t stay at my moved my older my feelings, because I ate pre-pregnant weight brother and me 13 times by the time I to stuff them down for 44 years, for long. I started, once again, going up was 12 years old. I have some residual it’s been difficult to feel them and down for the next 25 years. I enmemories, mostly now. I know I can, gaged in negative bad. My mom is biself-talk, food depripolar with a narcissisbecause I’m in FA. vation, constant dietpersonality tic ing, overeating, and disorder. She did the best she could, but her best was nowhere binge behavior.

If I wasn’t in this great program, I would near what I needed as a child. I took on adult responsibilities at age 12, loaning my not have been able to be there for my other mom money (babysitting money), getting daughter. I lost my daughter, but she lost myself to school, cleaning the house, and her twin sister. I would probably be curled up in a ball on my bed, eating to the point taking care of her.

I never had a weight problem until I was of oblivion to try to block out the awful de15. I gained weight the summer after my spair, grief, and sadness. Since I’ve never freshman year of high school. Looking dealt with my feelings, because I ate to stuff back at pictures, I see I was not fat. How them down for 44 years, it’s been difficult sad, though, to have my low self-esteem and to feel them now. I know I can, because I’m low self-confidence start 44 years of yo-yo in FA. The support, love, compassion, and hope I have gotten from my fellows is overdieting.

I weighed 147 pounds when I became whelming. I don’t know what I would have pregnant with my twin daughters in 1989. done without FA. Shannon D., California, US I got up to 221 pounds and gave birth to 16

September 2022

Lighten Up!

T

Hidden Hazard

he other day I was doing an online assessment. At one point, I was asked to look at a picture of a room and identify all the items that might pose a threat to an individual. For example, a sweater left to dry near a heater could start a fire. Or a person carrying a plate of snacks, walking toward a big wrinkle in the rug, could stumble and fall. I carefully scanned the picture and noted each dangerous situation. Only later did I realize that for me, as a food addict, the most serious threat in the room was the plate of snacks! I thanked God for the neutrality that working my FA program brings me, and I smiled to myself.

Only a food addict in recovery could have spotted that last hidden hazard.

Susan D., California, US connection

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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.