Out of Control

I’ve often been asked why Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA) has worked when everything else I’d ever tried always failed. My medical records show my weight as 250 pounds (about 104 kilos), and as I write this I am 130 pounds (about 59 kilos), and have been for most of my time in FA. I marvel at the way I continue to maintain this weight range. I don’t remember ever being at a healthy weight, not for many years, if ever.

As I look back on photos of myself as a young girl, I have memories of being a happy child. I know I had a few insecurities; however, the pictures remind me of my happiness and gratitude as a child. I loved going outdoors and having picnics in the woods. I recall those memories included inviting others to join me to eat, but I was content to just sit in the woods and listen to the brook waters, especially after a rain, when the waters would roar. I loved fishing, walking, biking, and swimming. I lived by the river with lots of memories of fish we ate, parties we had, bonfires where we roasted our own food.

Upon reflection, I see my early days as a food addict starting when I became pregnant as a teenager. I had to have surgery, so my body became different. I was young and scared, and eating became something that allowed me to hide. Soon, I was a young mother with two children, and I often wondered how I would feed them when I found myself unemployed. Food was plentiful when I was growing up. We enjoyed gardens, wild game, fish from the river, home baked goods, potluck parties, church gatherings, weddings, funerals, and birthdays, yet here I was with the insecurity of worrying about feeding my family. It was so confusing.

As I got older and my children grew up, I went back to school, and through food programs and therapy, I attempted to control my eating. I would bring my lunch to school, and while others were eating cafeteria food, I would eat my monster meals. There were times I couldn’t wait till lunch and would find myself eating my food early. Then I would have to eat again at lunch. I just could not control myself. Then I would go home, cook for the children, and eat and eat while I cooked, during the meal and after the meal. I wanted to have leftovers, but I couldn’t stop eating to leave anything for the next meal.

I had a problem with always wanting and asking to take home whatever food might be left after parties. I couldn’t help but take large quantities, as I hated to think of things going to waste. I would then find myself gorging on the food I’d taken, sometimes almost to the point of being sick from the flour and sugar items that I eventually became allergic to. I was diagnosed with celiac disease, which meant I was no longer able to consume flour; however, for me that just meant I could eat endless quantities of sugar instead, so I became sicker and sicker.

I chuckled when I learned elephants are grazers and at times wished I could be on that short rope elephants were tied to. Was there some way I could stop? I hated to get out of bed on the weekends because I knew once I put something in my mouth, I would be out of control, often not getting dressed, staying in pajamas, telling myself I was having a relaxing weekend. I was full of hate, fear, and discontent.

I finally found a solution when I came to FA, with a specific definition of abstinence, a food plan and support. It is different from all the other solutions I tried because it isn’t a diet. It is support, love, fellowship, recovery, spirituality, and relief from the constant battle of eating when I no longer wanted to but couldn’t stop. It’s been working for me for almost eight years. I have finally found relief. I am so blessed to have found FA. I feel great, look great, love helping others, and remember I have all of this by the grace of God.