FabMagUK - Issue 07 - Autumn 2021

FabMag uk

issue 07/Autumn 2021

Forty & beyond The friendship

issue INSIDE: Fashion, beauty, body confidence & lifestyle

Nicki

Donohoe

Recognising toxic friendships & how to deal with them

Modette model & radio presenter

The love we share with our beloved pets Autumn fashion guide

a message

from us Welcome to the “Friendship Issue” I felt that we should dedicate a whole issue to friendships.

We had some really wonderful contributions this month, proving that the most important bonds are the ones you have with your friends. As a child I’d go up to random strangers and say “Hello my names Zena, do you want to be my friend?” and I’ve pretty much never changed. My friends are a mixed bunch and don’t know where I’d be now without them. One of my favourite articles this issue is from a group of wonderful military wives who go by the name of RHOSC (real housewives of Suffolk county) what a bunch, and what a friendship!!

With the change in seasons I have collaborated with IHM boutique to bring you some seasonal Style along with some fantastic accessories. Friendships mean so much to us as humans whether they are male or female or your pet- it’s what keeps us going.

So enjoy our friendship issue and thanks for all your reads, we are over the moon.

Zee x

Editor Forty & Beyond Magazine UK.

What a lovely theme we have this issue!

Friendship, now more than ever means so much to each and every one of us. I have had many different friendship groups through the years, and lost friends I thought I would grow old with. Some of my oldest, closest friends all live hundreds of miles from me, Ireland, Scotland, Liverpool & Kent to name a few...but with technlogy today, social media and even good old fashioned letter writing, we are all able to keep in contact. This issue is full of lovely friendships, memories, stories and most of all...love.

As we start moving into autumn, I can feel myself getting excited for crisp mornings, crunchy leaves, fluffy socks, hot chocolates, pumpkins...and dare I say it...the build up to Christmas! If like me, you’re an avid autumnal lover, you will love Zee’s seasonal style fashion pages on page 40.

As always, thank you for reading and supporting us, keep safe & until the next issue, lots of love!

Alix x

Designer Forty & Beyond Magazine UK. autumn 2021 / issue 07

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Contents 43 10

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Emma Skeates

Speaking about her furry friend, Spencer

Lasting friendship

Editor Zees’ story of lasting friendships

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sisters in arms

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Nicki Donohoe

Real housewives of Suffolk County

Our celeb interview. On music, life & friendship

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Gendered ageism FabMag speaks to Nicky Clark around this huge issue in the media

50

34 Gail Genster

On the importance of female collaboration

36 Family are my friends

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Claire Marie talks about the most important friendships in her life

38 Friends

in business Stacey Pritchard on creating a new business with her best friend, Sam.

40 Winter Fashion

Fashion looks compiled by editor, Zee.

43 I hate mondays

accessories from this beautiful brand

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46 Friends into family

Now sisters in law, Josephine Wallace talks about her friendship with Sarah, her now sister in law.

48 Decades of friendship

Siobhan Daniels on her 44 years of friendship

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Gayle Berry, international expert in parent and baby wellness and befriending mums.

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50 Granny chic

Who said the shopping trolly had to be for old ladies! Rad union are bringing it back!

52 When friendships break down

Chalita frost on losing friends.

Blossoming friendships

famous friendships we love Can you guess the names of these famous, iconic friends.

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Toxic friendships Everything you need to know about toxic friendships autumn 2021 / issue 07

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FabMag fortyandbeyondmaguk uk

advertise with us FabMag UK is a fast growing womans magazine, reaching readers across the globe.

Our aim is to inspire, motivate and relate to each and every woman who reads our magazine and we would love to work with brands who also have this ethos in mind.

We offer different size adverts in the mag, sponsored posts, social media campaigns & brand collaborations.

For information and our rates send us an email and we will send you our media kit with more information.

w OPS & OPS

With special thanks to all of our contributors this month...

Emma Skeates, The real housewives of Suffolk, Nicki Donohoe, Nicky Clark, Gail Genster, Claire Marie, Stacey Pritchard, Zee Battersby, Josephine Wallace, Siobhan Daniels, Chalita Frost, Meg Mathews, Gayle Berry & a special thanks to all of our advertisers.

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@gmail.com

Our team w

EDITOR Zena Battersby Designer Alix Pamela Shaw

This issue I’m loving Zee: I’m loving the spice girls series on at the moment. The 90’s were an incredible decade for music and live bands and then we had the complete opposite in this fun, feisty group of young women who were grabbing the male dominated world by the knackers and I loved them for it. My favourite was scary and still is I think!

Zigazigahhhhhh!!!!

Alix: I’m that annoying person who doesn’t miss the end of summer...I’m an autumn girl and am loving the crisp mornings and chilly nights!

Fabmag UK is a registered trademark and an online publication.

Reproduction in whole or in any part is strictly forbidden without written permission from the Editor, Zena Battersby.

The views expressed in the magazine are not neccessarily those of the editor.

All images used are copyright to the photographers, who have been credited throughout the magazine.

autumn 2021 / issue 07

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IT’S NOT IT’S NOT AA DIET DIET IT’STHENOT A DIET NO CRAVINGS, THE NO CRAVINGS, NO WILLPOWER WAY THEWILLPOWER NO CRAVINGS, NO WAY TO GET LEAN AND NOTOWILLPOWER WAY GET FOR LEANGOOD AND HAPPY TO GET LEAN AND HAPPY FOR GOOD HAPPY FOR GOOD

DAVINIA TAYLOR DAVINIA TAYLOR DAVINIA TAYLOR

‘If I could give you one bit of advice right now, it would be to take all the ‘If I could give giveyou youone oneinto bit fad ofadvice advice energy putting diets ‘If I couldyou’re bit of right now, it would be to take all the andnow, put ititinto becoming theall most right would be to take the energy you’re putting intofad fad diets genuinely healthy version of you. If energy you’re putting into diets

and putgot into becoming themost most you’ve a plan, you’rethe already and put itit into becoming genuinely healthyAnd version you. If halfway healthy there. nowofof you’ve genuinely version you. If you’ve gotbook, plan, you’re already got this you’ve got one.’ you’ve got aaplan, you’re already halfway there.

And now you’ve halfway there. And now you’ve

DAVINIA TAYLOR

8

got this this book, book,you’ve you’vegot gotone.’ one.’ got fortyandbeyondmagazine.com

DAVINIATAYLOR TAYLOR DAVINIA

Davinia Taylor was overweight, depressed Davinia Taylor was and unmotivated.

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and unmotivated.

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bonus was that she lost nearly three stone health and mental wellness).

The unexpected turned to biohacking (the link between gut and has kept it off for years through a series bonus was that she lost nearly three stone health and mental wellness). The unexpected ofand health cold showers tostone ‘fatty hastricks kept it offlost fornearly years through a series bonus was that from she three coffees’, to ancestral eating. of has health cold through showersatoseries ‘fatty and kepttricks it offfrom for years

to ancestral of coffees’, health tricks from coldeating. showers to ‘fatty She spent tens of thousands of pounds on coffees’, to ancestral eating. specialists Harley Street doctors, trying She spentand tens of thousands of pounds on the most cutting-edge therapies available, specialists and Harley Street doctors, She spent tens of thousands of pounds ontrying

only discover that the true secretsavailable, oftrying feeling specialists and Harley Street doctors, theto most cutting-edge therapies amazing are very easy and affordable. the most available, only tocutting-edge discover thattherapies the true secrets of feeling Start with eatingthat for the yourtrue mental health, only to discover secrets of feeling amazing are very easy and affordable. and weight an effortless side effect. amazing areloss veryis easy and affordable.

Start with eating for your mental health, Now Davinia has put all the cutting-edge Start eating mental health, andwith weight lossforis your an effortless side effect. information she has learned into hereffect. and weight loss ishas anput effortless Now Davinia all theside cutting-edge empowering It’s Not Diet. Discover Now Davinia book has theacutting-edge information sheput hasall learned into her why stress causes weight gain; how information she book has learned herfasting empowering It’s Notinto a Diet.

Discover makes you less hungry; why sunflower oil is empowering book It’s Not a Diet. Discover why stress causes weight gain; how fasting unhealthy and how cold gain; showers can cut your why stress causes weight how fasting makes you less hungry; why sunflower oil is carb cravings. makes you less hungry; why sunflower oil is unhealthy and how cold showers can cut your unhealthy and how cold showers can cut your carb cravings.

Divided into four sections: Mood, Food, carb cravings.

Movement and Rest, the book takes a holistic Divided into four sections: Mood,you Food, approach weight loss, reminding that Divided intotofour sections: Mood, Food, Movement and Rest, the book takeseat. a holistic true health is not just about what you Movement and Rest, the book takes a holistic approach to weight loss, reminding you that It’s Not a to Diet concludes with a realistic approach weight loss, reminding you that true health is not just about eat. two-week towhat put allyou that true health reset is notprogramme just about what you eat.

It’s Not a Diet concludes with a realistic Davinia learnt into action and It’s Not ahas Diet concludes with aeasily realistic two-week reset programme to put all that achievably. two-week reset programme to put all that Davinia learnt action easily Davinia hashas learnt intointo action easily andand

achievably. achievably.

Published by Orion Spring, 27th May, £12.99 pbk th Published Orion Spring, May, £12.99 Published by by Orion Spring, 27th27 May, £12.99 pbk pbk

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My friend

him for more than 2 hours, and he never held a grudge. He just loved me with every inch of his body and every day he made me laugh with his ridiculous shenanigans – from shoplifting the entire bottom shelf of the village shop to having me chase him around a very busy pub garden with a dead rabbit in his mouth only to regurgitate it in my handbag a matter of 10 minutes later. He has nearly killed by strangulation – never make a dog lead into a noose around your neck and then put the dog on a lead – Spencer taught me that.

Spencer The one friend that has been there for me through thick and thin, the highs and the lows.

By: emma skeates

M

y name is Emma Skeates aka The Menopausal Mayhem Mother from Facebook and Instagram, also the author of Confessions of the Menopausal Mayhem Mother. I am 53 years old, have been a single Mum to two small girls and am now married and attempting to do the blended family thing. The one thing that has held me together throughout my cataclysmic catastrophe of a life are my friends.

Family is all well and good, but they seem to have the right to tell you their opinions WAY too much!

Friends are a bit more filtered and, in my mind, more supportive. But I want to tell you about my best friend in the world. The one friend that made the girls and me a true family, a friend that inspired me to write two books, a friend that never

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ever let me down and never told me I was wrong or failing.

His name is Spencer.

Spencer came into our lives in 2012, aged 8 weeks old and was the most beautiful Golden Labrador puppy I have ever seen.

“Love is a word bandied around far too often, but what I felt for that puppy was the deepest love, other than that that I felt for my children, that I have ever felt” Love is a word bandied around far too often, but what I felt for that puppy was the deepest love, other than that that I felt for my children, that I have ever felt. Him and I were a team. We went everywhere, all 4 of us, walks, to the pub, to the beach and everywhere we went,

we caused utter chaos. You see, the problem with my friendship with Spencer was that I forgot, very early on, that he was in fact a dog and needed training. HUGE mistake! No, to me, he was just one of us and we started out like that and for 10 years, that’s how we rolled. Spencer came to my second wedding to my current husband (still waiting on Tom Hardy to leave Charlotte and move onto me), he came on our honeymoon, and he has come on just about every holiday we have ever been on. The truth? I could not be without this utter loon who never said ONE word to me, not one, but he understood me like no one else. He knew when I was sad, heartbroken; he never left my side when my dear Mum passed away.

He just knew. He never judged me, he forgave me in an instant if I left

“ The final lesson that this extraordinary, magnificent and edible dog taught me was that saying goodbye is the hardest thing you will ever have to do” He has stolen countless Sunday roast joints of meat, one from a neighbour’s doorstep – not embarrassing at all. But our friendship was timeless and irreplaceable, because Spencer taught me that life is really simple.

Love without condition, forgive everything and always be loyal to those who love you back. No other friend has ever taught me such invaluable life lessons.

The final lesson that this extraordinary, magnificent and edible dog taught me was that saying goodbye is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. For, you see, my heart as I write this is rubble. Spencer was put to sleep 5

weeks ago today. His big ol’ heart finally gave up and said, “You are off my boy, time to go”.

I was with him to the end and I can honestly say I thought I was going with him.

My best friend has gone, but he lives on in my heart. The friendship of a dog, especially a Labrador, is one that I personally believe; everyone SHOULD have at least once in their life. They teach us SO much without saying a word. You just have to listen.

Fly high my beautiful boy and thank you for the being my best friend ever.w You can buy my first book at https:// www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1527295168/ ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=con fessions+of+the+menopausal+mayhem +mother&qid=1622711664&s=boo ks&sr=1-1 The second book is due for publication by the end of September called “Spencer and Me” – prepare to laugh until the tears run down your legs! autumn 2021 / issue 07

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Available to buy on Amazon 12

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Lasting

friendship

Editor zee talks about friendships over the years, and her opening line that never fails to make her friends.

By: zee battersby

IMAGE:UNSPLASH

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“H

ello my names Zena, would you like to be my friend?” As a child this is exactly how I was. Open friendly and loved meeting new people. I haven’t really changed much!

Like most women my age, I have a group of friends that have been in my life for more than 20 years. They are such a mixture of women and were all involved in some way in the raising of my daughter. My sisters best friend and I shared a rented house for over 4 years, and I used to joke she was my longest relationship, until I met my husband this was fact. The house was full of women! That home witnessed the highs and the lows. If those walls could talk!

My girlfriends are such a mixture and all successful. One is a farmers wife, a couple are business owners, a couple are managers, some are teachers and trainers, a few are nurses, one is a Show biz PR another a TV producer, one is a director of a huge company in Australia and a couple are footballers wives, another a singer and actress. I mean, we’ve all grown and our lives have changed so much and for a long time I felt as though I was so far behind everyone else.

I was the only mum in our group for years and struggled with

money, emotions and relationships.

My female friends and some male – normally the other halves of my friends, were there to pick me up and help me navigate single motherhood. If you ask my daughter about her childhood she always remembers the house with great fondness and says she had the loveliest upbringing. But I always felt like I was failing regardless.

I was a self-sabotage expert, at times probably not very fun to be around I made some terrible choices in partners. I think I was trying to provide a stable home for my daughter and I, and all of my friends were either married or paired up and I can remember going out socially with my brother and his friends for a whole summer because all my friends were busy having lives.

I’d been ill at the early stages of my thirties and my health deteriorated dramatically after my brother was in a traffic accident. (He made a full recovery thankfully) but as the eldest of five I felt it was my role to support 4 autumn 2021 / issue 07

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They painted my nails, bought me new PJ’s and gifts. My daughter and mum came every night and my daughter would French plait my matted hair for me. When you’re confined to a ward, you live for your visiting hours. Some of my friends were brilliant and some were crap!! But when I look back everyone was living their own life with the good and bad and hospitals are very depressing places to visit.

Friendships played an important role in zee’s daughters life growing up

my mum step dad and younger sister. It was a dreadful time in our family and once we knew he was out of the woods my body shut down. I was diagnosed with acute ulcerative colitis and what followed was years of hospital admissions, steroids, and immunosuppressant drugs. Thankfully I was single

zees grandchildren

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when I had my entire colon removed in 2009 and had a new ‘reservoir’ made from the end of my small intestine. I had a ‘so long colon’ party at my local bar, something not all of my friends thought was funny. I know factually none of the 3 previous men I’d dated would have been strong enough to support me.

It’s called a ‘j pouch’. I spent 11 months on a surgical ward due to small staple holes allowing my waste to leak into my torso and I had an 11 hour surgery to save my life. It took me months of physiotherapy to walk again properly and hold my body up, my hair fell out and for 6 months I had an ileostomy bag. I had a lot of time to reflect. I had a wonderful nurse called Alison and a handful of my friends made regular visits.

When I came out of hospital my daughter was pregnant (news I took very badly) a friend of mine was killed in Afghanistan and one of my longest friendships had stopped, it was a very turbulent and emotional time. Again my friends were there to support me and my daughter and we worked through it. We welcomed my granddaughter in the August and she changed our worlds

beyond anything I could imagine.

My daughter needed me again and I worked hard to repair our relationship and support them both.

I got a second job because while I’d been away, like I said people were getting on with their lives and I wanted to be busy in the evenings. Then I saw a man in town and had seen him in my friends barber shop. I made enquires into whether he was single or not etc. and double-checked. I then took my name and number down to the barbers on a note that simply said “Hi my names Zee and this is my number, PS I’m not mental!”

A few hours later as I was stood at the desk in a shop I was working in eating a doughnut having been caught in the rain, he walked past- in his military uniform (I still love that beret!)

I ducked down,mortified! He’s never been on social media so I couldn’t do the usual stalk and check manoeuvre us women are so good at and neither could he, so he walked past to check I wasn’t too

Zee in her younger years

Laughing through the years of friendship with her girlfriends

“I had a ‘so long colon’ party at my local bar, something not all of my friends thought was funny”

With Husband lee on their wedding day 7 years ago this year.

awful But anyway after a couple of false starts we became a couple.

And we’ve been together 11 years and married for 7 this November.

All my friends were there at the wedding. My oldest school friend sung me in (to Etta James – at last) and out (Jackie Wilson your love keeps lifting me) of the chapel and one of my best friends flew in from Australia. I cried the whole day with happiness. So as I said at the start I have always started every great and important friendship in my life with “Hello, my names Zena do you want to be my friend!!” HAHA and my husband has been by far my

biggest cheerleader and supporter.

I think one of the most important things about friendships I’ve passed down to my daughter and granddaughter is, never compare yourself to anyone else. Accept friendship in all its guises.

Female friendships, good solid honest friendships will stand the test of time. Pick your battles, take a breather but be open.

I want to thank all my amazing friends for all their love and support over the years I couldn’t have done life this far without you all. w Zee- Mum, Grandmother, Wife, Editor, Survivor, Friend. autumn 2021 / issue 07

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Sister in arms w Years of friendship behind them, meet the Real Housewives of Suffolk County.

By: zee battersby

W

hen I met my husband I knew he was in the military. My dad is an ex Marine and my grandfather. My daughter’s husband joined the marines and she kept her distance from military life. I had heard a lot of tales about the click of military wives and their lives. Some good, but, mostly tales of it being hard going forming the right friendships within. How wrong I was. I think as a collective there’s no other job I can think of that actively encourage people who work together and lets be clear, go into battle together. It seems very much par for the course. So stepping in this already well-established ring was a little daunting. I’m always up for meeting new people and I gladly stepped into the unknown. I was met with such friendship and affection it was a huge relief. I’m 11 years in, and I’ve embraced it wholeheartedly and passed on the same welcome I received to other women new to the military 18

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w life. There was one group of wonderful women I absolutely fell in love with. Their friendship was decades long. They had supported each other through wars of more than one description and most of all they have a huge amount of fun. So here is an endearing and enduring story of female friendship that I know you all love. Meet the Real Housewives Of Suffolk County. They’re a riot.

MAZ What can I say about the greatest girl gang ever? It’s a collection of friends through the years. I’ve know Sharon (the ‘I’m not from Essex I was born in London one’) for about 35 years she’s like a sister and a mum to me. She is amazingly kind always putting others before herself. She arranges the best party bags and games for most of our get-togethers. Then there’s Karen (the ginger one from Essex called Karen) I’ve known her about 25 years just don’t ask her to count as numbers are not

her thing. She’s my Essex sister from another mister, a glamorous grandma and all round good one.

Then there’s Coralie (another Essex one who is just the funniest craziest fittest girl ever) She is so caring and always-living life to the full. I met those two when my daughter started Kindergarten in Barnham and we became ladies what lunched.

Then there Viv (she’s an Army wife but we don’t hold it against her.) She is the most Zen agony aunt to us all. I met Viv on the battlefield of the school bus stop about 19 years ago. Then there’s Sarah (the posh quietly naughty one) who makes sure we get everywhere in plenty of time. We met through work about 18 years ago. She doesn’t drink don’t you know (whatever) She’s quietly naughty!! Then there’s Pam (aka as Pamelaaaar Anderson) our own real life lifeguard- sure someone will have a pic to prove it Pam is just the kindest most thoughtful friend and so funny and does

friends for life, the suffolk county girls

ABBA proud!! And last but not least there’s Donna (Donna from Jersey who helps Pam keep the red wine sales up) I’ve known Donna probably around 17 years but got closer in the last few years. She is just the best tour guide for Jersey and our newest member who is just the funniest lady. She is also the winner of the person who surprised me most in my recent 50th birthday and who travelled the furthest!! So there they are the Real Housewives of Suffolk County - we were drinking in Bury that day!! Mostly service wife’s but above that, a group of friends and strong women that truly support each other through deployments, the girls sure know how to throw a party

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other through good and bad times is just amazing.

Suffolks happy girl gang

bringing up children, life’s stresses, illnesses, work stresses and moments when you need someone to hate your husband as much as you do!!!

We have the best days outs, mini breaks, holidays (Ibiza was legendary) and recently zoom get together. Always including a surprise element!! If you’re planning a birthday surprise expect a new group message and at least 50 messages a day until the most perfect day is planned as a surprise. We drink, we laugh, we cry, we hug, we share our joys and our sadness. And now we’re sharing the menopause together!!

True friends hey. I would be lost without these lovely ladies and our friendship just grows stronger every day even though we can’t always be together.

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“It’s really important that you can have at least one friendly face you can call upon to have a chat over a coffee (or a glass of wine)” KAREN Being a military wife can be one of the best experiences in life but can also be a lonely one. It’s really important that you can have at least one friendly face you can call upon to have a chat over a coffee (or a glass of wine), have a shoulder to cry on or just have a good time together. I’m lucky; as I’ve got 7 beautiful faces I can call upon. Some military, some not, some local, some further afield.

Back in 2013 the Real Housewives of Suffolk County was born but in truth we had all known

each other many years beforehand with our children all-growing up together. Over the years there have been so many fun times… we’ve been there for each other when our husbands went away on tours, children left for universities, lost loved ones and faced our own health challenges but most of all we’ve had laughs, lots of them and many happy memories made, from our legendary ladies that lunch that usually end up at midnight through to leading a group of holiday makers in water aerobics in Ibiza. Here are some of the girl’s most memorable moments….

SARAH I feel so lucky having such an amazing group of ladies in my life, the memories we have made together and the support for each

VIV I describe us as a melting pot of wonderful strong women. We are all so different...yet the same in terms of sense of humour, morals and how family is the centre of our worlds. I believe we share a spiritual bond that has grown stronger over the years.

I have always said that we have something that no other friendship group has (This has led us into drunken states...laughing till our cheeks hurt (Pam as Pamela Anderson, Sarah and hat gate.

Sharon’s 50th lockdown birthday, holidays, Christmas and summer balls, cocktail making, murder mysteries, ladies day at the races, wedding/blessing celebrations, 30th 40th and 50th birthdays) There’s just too many memories. I know everyone could say that and some might argue that all friends have what we have but as well as the unconditional love we have for each other we have something really special... respect. Respect for who we are/what we believe and we don’t judge which is what allows us to truly be ourselves with each other.

I am so lucky to have you all in my life and one thing you can say about RHOSC is...they know how to throw a party.

PAM I have been in our friendship group since 2013. Even though

zoom calls became the new way to party during lockdown

I’ve known some of the ladies a little bit longer. We are different in little ways but despite everything if someone is low and needs a pick me up, we are there to hopefully raise their spirit or to listen. Then it’s a few glasses of vino and spirits and the fun and games begin. I have some wonderful ladies that mean so much. We have had a lot of laughs A favourite of mine is of Shazza giving the doorman her half eaten calzone at the Motown musical.

Then when the show had finished the doorman handed it back and she carried on eating it. I was in stitches.

I have had a couple of holidays with the girls but I did love Ibiza I like to big myself up, but I thought I was a brilliant lifeguard. I stopped ball

games and snogging I offered to save people too.

Oh have to agree with Viv the hat…

If you need me to save you I am here ladies!! w A message from Zee: “Being a military wife can be hard. But with the right people around and by staying away from drama, gossip and being supportive to the women around you it can be a lovely place to be. I wasn’t hoping to make more friends as I had a life before and friends outside of the military.

I want to dedicate this feature to all military wives. It’s a tough gig. And to my own gang of “mob wives’ who have made my job as a wife a lot more fun. Emma, Becky, Jeni, Angela, louise, Sharon, donna, wendy and floss. Thank you x” autumn 2021 / issue 07

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My Perfect Eyes & My Perfect foundation Made for each other- literally!

M

y Perfect Eyes contains a small amount of magnesium which is what prevents the cosmetic from absorbing into the skin, making it safe for

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everyday use.

Magnesium however, does not mix well with ‘oil based’ products which is often the base of many foundations.

My Perfect Foundation was

created exactly for this reason. The two were designed to chemically pair perfectly so you can complete the look and feel confident today with your two partners in crime! w www.myperfectcosmeticscompany.co.uk autumn 2021 / issue 07

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nicki donohoe Talking music, radio, Take me out & life By: Zee Battersby 24

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ow, I don’t know what’s in the water up in Yorkshire but Nicki is our third northern lass to feature on the cover of FAB MAG UK! I first came across Mod Model Nicki when she appeared on ITV’s “Take me out” you know the one...”no likey no lighty!” haha.

She stood out to me from the start. Her Peggy Moffat hair ,dark eyes and 60’s dresses had me rooting for her. Of course Nicki didn’t get picked and I for one breathed a sigh of relief for her!!

It was also revealed by Paddy that Nicki’s legs were featured on the opening credits of Emmerdale!

Giving her the tag “the most famous legs in Yorkshire”.

Fast-forward to the present day Nicki is a successful Model, makeup artist and stylist. Over the last year I’ve been listening to Nicki’s radio show on Barrell house radio. It’s become our Sunday playlist. With an eclectic mix of Mod,Soul,80’s,90’s and everything in between it’s perfect and a refreshing alternative to mainstream. With a soft Sheffield “aye up” at the start of each show and fantastic interviews with musicians who have influenced her over the years, there’s something

for everyone.

Nicki is a hard working mum of two and is a well recognised ‘face’ of the Mod and music scene.

Today I’m talking to Nicki about her career and of course this being the Friendship issue I’m going to introduce you to her best - and equally fabulous- friend Pip. Their love for retro and amazing weekends keep me entertained over social media.

It’s an unwavering friendship and it makes me think we could all do with a fabulous pip in our lives!

As we sit down for a brew and a natter I feel like I’ve known her forever...

So lets kick things off about your passion for music and your radio show on barrel house radio,I think its coming up to your 1 year anniversary. How did that all come about?

Well they contacted me just before lockdown and my first show was in the November. I felt like that was just a really great thing that happened, because you know my work just kind of stopped due to lockdown as did so many other peoples, and the industry I’m in just ground to a halt. You know, I was getting really lovely messages from people who had listened and were telling me that the show was really helping them because it’s quiet uplifting and to be honest that spurred me on.

When I started I didn’t think anyone would listen to it because

my taste is so eclectic so I just didn’t think it would be successful, but it crashed the system every week and there’s something for everyone on there. I don’t really think about the song or a genre; it’s just very organic and such a mixture of music it appeals to everyone. It’s also opened up a few doors for me now and I’ve been asked to play a few gigs and it was learning a new skill. This time last year I had no idea what to do I would never have known how to even start a new show. So you know I’m quiet proud of myself!

I’ve got a couple of friends who work in radio that helped me with the sound and my microphone. I record it on audacity and edit it at home and take out all my ums and ahs as I’m a bit of a talker, as you’ll get to see in this interview.

It’s listened to internationally, the Canadians love it! So I’m really proud of myself and what I’ve achieved so far. I love music I always have so it’s all really exciting.

So you’re a mum of two, a model, hand model, a makeup artist, stylist and now a radio DJ!! How do you fit it all in whilst looking so glam? What’s the hardest part of having a career and being a working mum?

Ohh how do I stay glam? That’s very kind of you haha I don’t know, filters!? Haha no seriously though I sound a bit W…nky but I don’t really think about it if 4 autumn 2021 / issue 07

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I’m honest! It’s one of them, you have to keep up certain standards because I do work as a commercial model and hand model and you’re always going to castings, recording self tapes for castings etc so its ingrained in me from a teen to always be ready really.

I feel really lucky to be busy with different modelling jobs, like mum modelling jobs are the bread a butter of a model really, in between commercial work so I’m always updating my portfolio and my hairs now a bit longer so I work with photographers daily so I can update my portfolio using great photographers I’ve worked with before.

I’m so lucky I’m busy but yes, the mum guilt with my job as a stylist and makeup artist does takes me away on location because I work predominately in advertising so you’re normally away, and it could be two days it could be five. Then I have prep for shoots either side of the jobs. But what it does mean is that our family time together is really lovely and we get to do great things as a family. I know I’ve instilled a strong work ethic into my children and they see how hard I work and we get to go to nice places and have a nice life and I don’t rely on anyone else for that, I’m a single parent so I have to be responsible for that and it gives you the kick up the arse to ensure you’re picking the right jobs and getting the balance right, but any working parent and single parent will tell you it can be 26

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to an amazing actor like that was brilliant it was for SONY and the ad went viral, it went mad so that was really good, I did the make up.

Then we all went to Barnsley and had cake and cocktails with the head of SONY . Then all the TV ads & holiday brochures all over.

‘The most famous legs in yorkshire’

‘I just make sure we have as much fun and quality time together as possible, balance is the key word I guess.’ challenging, and you just have to remind yourself why you’re doing it and that’s to give them the best life. You know when I’m with them I’m present 100% and they understand that with the nature of my job work can change any plans and I think they’ve learnt to adapt to that, and it means we sometimes do things on the spur of the moment and it makes it fun I guess. I just make sure we

Did you know that Nicki played a part in ‘This is england’?

have as much fun and quality time together as possible, balance is the key word I guess.

That’s a really honest answer Nic. For those of us that follow your work life online we see how hard you do work but also how lovely both your kids are, so you’re obviously you’re doing a great job at balance girl! So, I know you’ve worked on some great shows tell us about some of the best jobs you’ve worked on and the ones you were particularly excited to do?

Ah that’s hard, I think probably

‘The Circle’ that’s been one of my most recent big jobs and it was really great to do as its Netflix, it’s a great thing to have on your CV and having my name on the credits as ‘chief makeup artist’ was a big deal for me. I’ve worked as a makeup artist for a long time and even when I was younger I used to watch the credits and look for the makeup artists and wardrobe stylists and wish for that kind of job and life and never in a million years did I think I’d actually get my dream job! Seeing my name on the Netflix show I’m just so proud.

I get makeup assistants contacting me after they’ve seen

me on credits and ask for work so I’m in a position to help other people with their careers now, you know excuse the pun but yeah its come full circle!! We are currently filming the Netflix USA which is so much fun. But you know we were talking about this the other day, when I look back I’ve been so lucky with the jobs I’ve done you know, I did the Paul Weller Video that I styled (gravity) which was a great experience and I worked with Paul Heaton and Jackie Abbot , they are just hilarious I loved them, I styled their music video. Oh and the face that is Mads Mikkelsen who was just perfect being close up

What was ‘This is England’ like to work on?

This is England was amazing I was involved in all of the TV series and I was mic’d up for the 1986 series , I played a nurse and I was shaking I was so nervous! Shane meadows was there and , I didn’t know who he was at the time which sounds silly now but, I thought I was going to be an 80’s MOD and he said no, no, we are going to mic you up and you’re going to be a nurse, and put me in an 80’s nurses uniform. I had to shout at them all and swear and chase them off these wheel chairs but they didn’t use my voice in the end and just played Morrisey over the scene.

It was a huge learning curve and it was a different way of filming as most of it is unscripted so they shout “cut” and go again, and it can be totally different but I think that comes across in the film and the series. I also met the actor Johnny Harris in that too, who again I worked with later on the Paul Weller video he’s a lovely person. ‘Then This Is England 1990’ I worked as a make up artist on that one. So I’ve worked on them all now and made some really great friends and contacts in 4 autumn 2021 / issue 07

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the industry so again, very lucky.

Do you feel the media portrays women over forty is a negative way? What would you like to see change about the industry?

I think the industry is getting a little bit better, but there’s still as long way to go. I’m starting to see more about women getting equal pay, the conversations are being acted on you know. It’s happening.

And I do feel like compared to men women do get a bad ride, it seems mens careers go on and on and women get forgotten about but I think there are lots of women flying the flag for us out there now like Helen Mirren, an amazing strong inspirational older woman in the industry. We need to keep shouting about how fabulous we are whatever age really. We deserve the respect and wage.

What was your first modelling job?

Oh my first modelling job was for DFS actually. I’d done a couple of modelling photos for a friend I think it was for hats! And he said

pip

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pip

you should send these into an agency and I did and I got signed but you know I was 30 coming into the industry and that’s considered “mature’ I know, ridiculous, but a lot of girls that had been doing it years had had a break and had families and were coming back into it where as I started at the right time for all the home and furniture commercials. So I was really busy for the first few years as I was a new face. I went for a casting on the Monday and then after that I was on the telly in the DFS adverts! I then went on the do some large hair salon campaigns

Nicki is still in touch with some of the take me out girls.

and then I was signed to a lingerie company so I was a lingerie model for three years so yeah. I’m not your typical lingerie model I was 35 I wasn’t curvy I had short hair but at the time I was very different to the other models out there.

Your daughter scarlet looks so much like you, if she wanted to follow in your footsteps what advice would you give her?

Depends really! I’ve kind of said to her to wait until she’s a bit older in terms in modelling. I think being in the industry can

knock the confidence out of you and I started at an older age so I was very worldly wise and I think when you’re too young it can be very hard and you’re quiet impressionable aren’t you. Of course if she wanted to I’d support her but I’d tell her to give it a few years maybe. She loves make up she’s all into her hair and makeup so she might want a career like me but I think she would like to do psychology. She is at college but she wants to work and earn her own money which again I think that takes a bit of the mum guilt away because she’s seen that

working hard gets you nice things and can take you places. She knows you’ve got to work hard in life. I think open as many doors as you can and see where life take you really.

We’ve seen you pop up on a few TV programmes, are there any programmes you would love to be on?

Are you still in touch with any of the girls you met on ITVs Take me out?

Aww I am actually in touch still with a couple of the girls. I’m friends with a lot of them on social

media, there are a couple of girls I really got on with and spent a lot of time with. It’s a funny experience really doing the take me out show because it was series three and it was still quite new really. It’s an intense schedule, you film a show a day from 7am and there are 30 odd girls to get ready so you’re all in hair and makeup, although I did my own after the first couple of shows. I didn’t wear the wardrobe I had my own clothes, as I was pretty 60’s at the time so I stood out from the other a bit. It’s a long day. I was there every day... I didn’t get a date!

Picky Nicky I think they called me hahaha! For me I’m about music taste and shoes and the first thing you hear is their music and then the shoes and everytime I was like NOPE hahaha but it’s just trying think of an excuse as to why it was a no hahaha. You finish at about midnight but I ended up being on air for 3 months. You meet people and they say, where do I know you from and they can’t place you, then on the odd occasion they’ll go oh I do remember you, you were the mod girl with the hair! More often then not I don’t mention it but people remember. I actually cut my hair off afterwards because people were shouting this at me in the street you know “no likey no lighty!”. It was a really great thing to be part of and you know it actually opened a lot of doors for me so it’s all positive. I don’t know really what programmes I’d like to be on you know,maybe styling on 4 autumn2021 / issue 07

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Quick fire questions

air that would be good or maybe dinner date! Although I’d like to be the one choosing the dates and not the one cooking hahahaha.

Is acting something you would like to pursue?

I’m not sure if I would be a good actress or not but I’ve enjoyed every single aspect of TV. I do like being behind the scenes but the few times I have been involved in front of the camera I did enjoy it, so maybe I should consider it. Not in a drama or anything as I’m not sure I’d be a good enough actress for that but maybe other aspects of TV. I’d give that a go if it came up.

So we’ve been friends over our social media for around 10 years now, which is totally mad isn’t it? This is the friendship issue and of course I wanted to talk to you about your friendship with Pip Strafford. How did you first meet?

Pip and I first met when he was working at the Sheffield theatre and he organised a couple of tickets for a friend and I and we met there. I think the first thing I ever said to him was “ I like your outfit ‘ and he replied “ I like yours!” I can’t remember what it was, a little blue number and I just thought he knows how to dress. He always looks phenomenal doesn’t he, and he was just such a nice guy. I just said “look as a thank you I’ll take you out for wine” and he took me up on that and we ended 30

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with pip

up in the fat cat in Sheffield. It turned into an epic night. We went for chips and gravy, we went salsa dancing and then gate crashed a photo shoot in a hair salon haha and that cemented our friendship.

We’ve been friends from day one and for 13 years.

You’re always out looking like you have an absolute blast.

What’s the most outrageous/ best night out you’ve had together?

One of my favourite nights out with Pip was at a 70’s night in Manchester. We love dressing up in different eras as you can see on my socials. Anyway we had been there about an hour and his original 70’s platform shoe broke and he got in a right huff. So we ended up going back to the hotel having a snooze and then I sent him out for a McDonalds at 2 in the morning and we ended up having a carpet picnic. Then we stayed up until

4am and went to canal street the next day. It’s always fun with pip.

We could be sat at a bus stop and make it fun do you know what I mean,it’s just that kind of friendship.

What do you love most about being Pips best friend?

I think because we are always having fun, having trips away and it’s a really honest friendship.

We just get on so well. He’s an amazing human and I think we have said that if we’re not married by the time we are 70 we will marry each other hahaha we just get on so well. That’s one of the things I love about being his friend, it’s always fun. I also know I can turn to him and be there for me.

He’d drop everything and come round and see if I’m alright. He’s just a constant stability in my life.

He gives the best advice and is one of the most treasured people in my life.

Nicki with pip

You’ve also got a really strong relationship with your mum.

Has she always supported your career?

My mum without a doubt is one of the best people on earth. She’s taught me everything about life.

She’s supported everything I’ve done and she worked so hard when we were kids. She’s my inspiration, She is amazing. She’s always being supportive and encouraging.

When I was younger and playing music in my room she would tell me to turn it up!! She’s just great I feel very lucky. I haven’t been able to see her as much because of my work but we talk everyday. My dad wasn’t that great but my mum always has my back.

She helps in any way she can. We haven’t ever really argued she’s just super proud and that’s all I’ve ever wanted her to be.

What would your Dream Modelling job be?

I think a dream modelling job would be something I just worked one day on and got usage fees for 10 years hahaha but seriously any job I do that has a nice team is a dream job so fingers crossed it continues!

Give us your definition of true friendship.

Someone you know has your back, you have his or her support, you have love and respect for. Someone who wont let you down and that you love and respect.

Not all of us are lucky to have someone like that in our lives so I really struck gold with my best friend pip he’s all those things and more. I’m just so grateful. I have lots of female friends, but my Pip is special. w

Tea or coffee?

Tea – I don’t drink coffee First record you ever bought?

De la soul 3 is the magic number. I inherited a lot of my parents Motown records and my dad used to take me to house clearances and go crate digging so I’ve always had records.

Spice girls or all saints?

Spice girls… I think,but that’s tough to decide, I love them both but yeah I think the spices!

Fav hangover food?

Chip butty with Henderson’s relish.

Fav drink?

Guinness. Perfectly chilled and perfectly poured. And a pint of.

Staycation or vacation?

Vacation Celebrity crush?

Always had a thing for Noel Fieldings’ hair hahahaha but I think Bill Murray Christmas or new year?

Christmas Fav biscuit to dunk?

I’m not a dunker, since I gave up milk its just not dunkable. I do love a Jaffa cake!!

Fav clothing brand?

Anything vintage

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Gendered ageism Editor Zee talks to Nicky Clark about gendered ageism & how she is combatting this in the media By: Nicky Clark

H

i Nicky, thanks so much for talking to me today. I’ve been following the campaign now for a while and it’s really gathering momentum and support.

What was the crunch moment for you? When did you think “I’ve got to do something about this”?

It was a growing realisation really.

Then one week in 2018 I watched 3 shows all launched in the same ten day time period on TV and there were these gnarled old blokes rolling around with much younger women as their romantic partners and I wondered where the women their own age were. Then I’d spot her, delivering three predictable lines in a harassed looking cardigan. The more I looked the more I wondered where the women I know and love, were. Women living their best lives, capable, intelligent, articulate and very funny were instead being traduced to forgettable adjuncts serving the male protagonist to live his best (and seemingly very long) life onscreen. It started from there really, on screen gender parity had hit rock bottom.

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Nicky Clark

Can you explain to our readers the impact of gendered ageism and how to recognise it?

I bought into the same gendered ageism messages that many women over 45 are bombarded with. “Don’t look visibly older & here’s a cream that will fix you & make your life better” that type of BS. I stopped dying my grey roots

in the pandemic and found it immensely liberating. Then started noticing that all the men on screen had wrinkles and grey hair and all of the women their age, had obvious signs of chemical modification. This is a staple for TV here. Men can look their age and still work and women can’t. Or if they do they’re not on screen. This is gendered ageism.

That extends beyond the cosmetic

to screen time and that is why the average age of BAFTA leading female nominees has falle din the last 21 years from average age 52 to average age 32. Whereas for men that average age has only fallen from 48- 45.

The impact on audiences is immense. If women of all ages aren’t featured in media whether news stories or drama, we become invisible and changes that we desperately need don’t manifest because were not important. Gendered ageism drives that exclusion.

It’s evident that all forms of media are guilty of pitting women against each other or comparing older women to younger women. What do you think needs to change in the media and how quickly do you think it will filter through? What can we do in our day to day lives to push back?

I think the media needs to understand that currently they’re selling one narrative “There is young women news and there is no women news”. Drama which pits women against one another is exhausting and so is the tendency by commissioners of keeping male characters in middle age and asking for their female romantic partners to be aged down. This is why the stories we want to see don’t get told. It’s not a lack of women writers or a lack of men writing well for women, it’s the people choosing which stories see

the light of day that is the problem.

They misjudge audiences when they believe they won’t watch.

There are 12 million women aged between 40 and 69 in the UK. Desprate to see ourselves and our lives on screen. Ignoring them in a industry which stands or falls on demographics, is a bizarre scheduling choice.

How has the campaign been received? Have you had any negativity from other women online?If so how do you deal with it and stop it from detracting attention from the message?

Everywhere I’ve taken my campaign the response from men and women, older and younger has been overwhelmingly positive.

I don’t give the tiny minority of negative responses much of my time, that’s how I prevent them detracting from the message.

“we become invisible and changes that we desperately need don’t manifest” Finally, you had some incredible support for “Acting Your Age Campaign” from prominent male as well as female actors. What would you like to see happen to industry and where can people go to read and support you and others in the industry?

I’d like to see broadcasters and film makers sign up to my parity pledge “Don’t Cast Her Out” We can talk about gender parity ad nauseum but until that means men and women of equal age then it’s still meaningless. Currently gender parity is being deemed equal because it’s women under 45 and men over 45. The industry prizes young women for their perceived sexual currency alone and prizes older men for their age perceived wisdom and capability. That’s not nearly good enough nor is it anything near the truth. Young actresses are so much more than the meagre narrow definition of beauty & sexual appeal, older men aren’t all Dumbledore with an erection. But that’s what gets served up day after day. w People can support the campaign by sharing the information, completing the surveys and visiting the website page which has the support videos. I’m also on Twitter at @MrsNickyClark and insta with the imaginatively titled @ actingyouragecampaign page.

Website page here : http://www. mrsnickyclark.com/-acting-your-age-campaign.html autumn 2021 / issue 07

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The importance of

Female collaboration Our regular columnist speaks to us about the power of women, and how important female partnership is

F

emale collaboration is an incredibly powerful force.

This is what women in their midlife can use to combat institutional ageism. It’s how we can force advertisers to stop pigeonholing us into stereotypical, traditional ideas of mature women. But most importantly, it’s how women improve themselves, as one.

Who are you Really Competing With?

The most successful people compete with one person and one person only: themselves. The woman in the mirror is the one you are trying to outdo day in and day out. External motivators can be useful, sure.

But they can unreliable; they’re always changing. Not you, though.

You will always be you, so you will always be the best person to compete against.

Focusing on outdoing yourself

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By: gail genster

is an effective way to become a better employee, athlete, mother, and friend. Competing against yourself and garnering support from your peers to do so (more on that below) are excellent ways to produce consistent, noticeable results - something I’d love to talk to you about!

The Power of Female Partnership Consistently staying motivated to compete against yourself is key – you have to find what encourages you to keep becoming a better version of yourself. One of them is collaborating with other women in order to make that happen!

The saying “a rising tide lifts all ships” applies here. For example, if you need help with your nutrition and another person needs help with her workout plan, this is a perfect opportunity to come together! Your workout tips and her nutrition tips can end up making both of you better versions of yourselves. No man (in this case, no woman) is an island. More women can succeed in whatever way makes them happy when we all join together.

Plenty of Success to Go Around There is plenty of room in this world for everyone to thrive and achieve success. You’re not hurting your own chances by partnering with other women. On the contrary, you’re bettering yourself at a higher rate than if you went

“Let’s aim to succeed as an individual group, instead of a group of individuals. That’s where progress lies” about it alone.

You tend to learn this as you get older and your sense of selfawareness develops. Now that I’m in my midlife, it’s easier for me to not care about what others think; I may not be specifically gifted physically, but I know how to challenge myself to perform better. Everyone, including me, has their own set of talents and weaknesses, the latter of which can be strengthened with a little help from our friends (in the words of

The Beatles).

As a pro-aging fitness enthusiast and lifestyle influencer, it’s my mission to break down the ageism barriers and change the narrative about aging. Let’s aim to succeed as an individual group, instead of a group of individuals. That’s where progress lies. That’s how we get to a world where women in the midlife are not forced into a mold we did not choose.

That’s where female collaboration can take us. w autumn 2021 / issue 07

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My family are my friends By: Claire marie

A

s I’ve got older, I’ve found that I’ve started to attract different types of people. It seems so simple now, but it took me years to join the dots between who I spent time with and the subsequent impact on my vitality and wellbeing. Now that I have, I’m spending more time with the people who enrich my life, and whose lives I can enrich

in turn. When I was younger I felt the need to have a big friendship circle, but I no longer feel the need to have people around me who I don’t genuinely want a long-lasting relationship with because I’m finally secure in myself.

“Of course for many people, it’s the other way around and their friends are their family” Another reason for this is that my wonderful family are the friends I’d choose for myself.

I truly appreciate how lucky this makes me.

There’s only two years between my sister and I, and she’s a rare soul. There’s no one I’m more

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claires family are her closest friends

comfortable with, no one I can relax more with, and no one I get into more mischief with, although I know mischief is relative when you hit your forties. In the old days it was our shopping trips into Leeds that inevitably ended up with us sharing a carafe of utterly shite house wine in a no frills Italian restaurant (the best kind) then moving onto a dodgy pub to dance around our shopping bags.

These days, it’s usually defined by singing far too loud and offkey to Whitney Houston and Mariah songs in her kitchen while drinking too much prosecco, or laughing so hard in a restaurant (at something really, really stupid) that people end up staring at us. I love the fact that even though we’ve been in close proximity to each other our

whole lives, we never get bored of each other. And that despite being younger than me, she’s always been the grown up one!

And in addition to that, there’s my mum and dad. They had us very young, and the small gap in age means we have loads in common, a genuine friendship, and the same ability to make each other laugh uncontrollably as my sister and I. My best times are spent with my sister, her husband

and my parents and our children, who range from 8 to 19.

Befriending ourselves Of course for many people, it’s the other way around and their friends are their family. This is the beauty of true friendship: we choose who our friends are and who to surround ourselves with.

But before we do any of that, we have to befriend ourselves too.

It might go against convention to enjoy – even choose – time alone, but as we journey through our forties and beyond, getting comfortable in our own skin is a practise that will reward us for years to come. Those of us with older children will see them building their own lives and spending more and more

time away from us, and for some of us, marriages or romantic relationships that no longer bring out the best in us may break down.

Though painful, these losses make way for new opportunities to do things with our lives and careers that might involve us starting afresh. Welcoming a change into our lives when many of us have a well-defined routine is exciting and refreshing, but it also takes resilience and self-love.

Despite what the media would have us believe, our forties are a gift. They’re a time when some of us finally get truly in touch with our authentic selves and comfortable in our own skin.

And that’s when we grow to truly appreciate and attract those on the same vibration as ourselves. w summer autumn 2021 / issue 06 07

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Friends in business The story of two friends who set up business together after years of friendship, Covid and living in different countries.

By: stacey pritchard

W

e met at 11 and have been best friends ever since.

Opposite in looks (blonde and brunette) we are twins in every other sense of the word .

We speak every single day without fail , and if one of us doesn’t answer in the usual efficient manner you can bet yourself there is a search party getting ready to leave .

We would happily live in each other’s pockets and need to know every single boring thing that happens every day, you would think by now we would have run out of things to say but it just never seems to happen .

When Sam’s dream came true to move with her husband and son to Dubai , I was over the moon.

Nothing would change. She had lived in London for a while and we visited each other all the time. Now my visits will include sunshine, the beach and sea .

We said our goodbyes November 38

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creating a business together in lockdown has brought the ladies closer

Stacey and Sam, owners of Femss

2019 with plans to visit early the next year… and then COVID, come on never did any one expect a global pandemic to arrive as your bestest friend in the whole world leaves to live halfway round the world.

This is the longest time since

we met that we have been apart, and there were so many changes happening in our lives, because of the pandemic it was almost impossible for Sam to find a new role and she became (a very successful) freelance designer. I was made redundant and started my

own company and my son finally received a diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. Our lives became busier than ever,and it scared me to think that our lives could become so separated that we would become those friends we bumped into and said “we will have to catch up sometime” I mean you can’t leave the house, and when you did there was nowhere to go, what can we even share about our lives anymore? We were missing the shared experiences to laugh about and plan, we needed something to share and a business to work on

“We swapped brunches for business meetings to keep the spark in our friendship on different continents” seemed like the perfect idea.

We had always had the same type of style in our busy careers.

Heels and dressing fabulous came as standard, flats were not a thing and joggers and leggings a no go. But working from home, becoming mums, changing bodies and basically just going from chef to play mate for a small child and back home for a client meeting

meant the office causal was out, we knew we were not alone in this.

Women notoriously wear so many hats in a day, our changing lives and bodies have us needing clothes that are...dare I say practical more than ever. Thing is practical came with two tags… frumpy or skimpy.

So Femss was born, a brand made by busy women, for busy women. Empowered style with purpose. Nights out, brunch and shopping trips were well out the window, and creating something we were so passionate about to share together seemed like the perfect replacement!!

You’ll now catch us on zoom talking colour trends and fabrics, instead of Porntsar Martinis and afternoon tea.

Creating a business together was a risk (a lot of people told us so) but it’s been as easy as our friendship has always been, after all these years we know exactly how the other works. We love each other endlessly so we are patient in amongst the stresses of daily life, and our vision for the brand is in sync as we have always been. We are beyond excited to see how our brand will grow, but one thing that is guaranteed to stand the test of time is our friendship, even Covid and 4685.4 miles could get in the way of that. w Stacey & Sam Femss will be launching later this year and we are crossing fingers that Sam is able to get home to Liverpool soon to celebrate in person.

Find us on instagram @_femss_ autumn 2021 / issue 07

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winter

fashion By: zee battersby

1

2

S

o Im going to call it….

Summer was rubbish!! In terms of what we were wearing, The one saving grace was the summer dress! Why? Because you can buy a couple of dresses and dress them up and down depending on the weather.

I know I know that sounds so basic but its exactly that.

Adding your summer dresses to your basic capsule wardrobe for autumn winter just means you can wear them that little

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bit longer and get your moneys worth. So strap in and have a look at some of my favourite affordable finds that will slot right into your wardrobe… you’re welcome!!

One of the easiest things to do is buy a fine gage polo neck or a thin elasticated one.

Some amazing comfy tights in all sorts of colours and spend a decent amount on a winter coat and boots.

Got it? Right.

3 1. dress Next, BootsM&S, bag oliver bonas 2. dress next, bag ted baker, boots jones bootmakers 3. dress & Bag Oliver bonas, boots jones bootmakers

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4. dress M&S Bag Ted Baker, Boots M&S 5.dress M&S boots grenson bag, wolf & Badger 6.dress Next, boots M&S bag SWYC 7. dress next, grenson boots , oliver bonas bag 8.dress M&S Bag wolf & Badger, boots M&S

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9. Pow Jumper, joanie clothing 10. Penny lane jumper, joanie clothing 11. Ziggy jumper, joanie clothing 12. mama established smileys tracksuit 13. Jumper, Oliver Bonas

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I hate mondays Make your autumn wadrobe sparkle with these beautiful, eye caching accessories from I hate mondays.

By: zee battersby

www.ihmcostumejewellery.co.uk 43

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summer 2021 / issue 07

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When best friends become sisters Friends since school, Josephine & Sarah are now sisters in law!

By: Josephine Wallace

O

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who had mopeds while we were still at school and did we think we were super cool or what!

We’ve had many, stupidly funny moments but one was after Sarah had just passed her driving test and took me and a friend out in her dad’s Morris Minor. I sat in the front with our friend in the back and when I turned around to look at her, it looked like she was sitting on the other side of the road as it was so big inside. Anyone who’s been in a Morris Minor can relate to this and we were completely buckled with silly laughter.

There have had many adventures over the years - our first trip was going to the Barry Island Soul Weekend in October 1986 for our 18th birthdays. We must have looked like baby bunnies in headlights but we loved it and have been to many soul weekends and club nights across the country since then. Another hilarious trip to Wales was when we went to Butlins in Minehead with her mum and dad for Christmas

photo:Ignat Kushanrev/unsplash

ne of my longest, closest friends, Sarah, is now my sister-inlaw, which is funny as we were often mistaken for sisters when we went out together. This used to baffle us as I’m short and brown and Sarah is tall-ish and white. Not that it’s an issue in today’s multi-racial, blendedfamilies but it was less of a ‘thing’ in the eighties. Neither of us think we look like each other but we took it as the compliment it was intended to be. I personally think people thought we were sisters due to the genuine closeness between us that siblings display.

Sarah and I have been best buds since we left school aged 16. We were in the same friendship circles at school but didn’t hang out together after school. It wasn’t until we both had boyfriends and started going down the pub together that we became best mates.

We’re both October babies (Sarah’s a Libra and I’m a Scorpio) so we were a few of the “big” girls

which was so cheesy, it was the best fun.

When we went out, I was the loud, cheeky one and Sarah was the quiet, reserved one. But when you get to know Sarah, she is the Queen of one-liners, even when she’s not trying to be funny. One of the funniest moments was when we worked together and I’d just found out my boyfriend had cheated on me for the umpteenth time. I was pouring

my heart out to Sarah, and I was obviously really upset, so in her most endearing of ways she comforted me with: “You poor cow” in her ‘Sarth’ London drawl. That was it - I was no longer sad and roared my head off.

That was just the tonic I needed to lift me up and you can’t get a more real and authentic friend than that.

We’ve seen each other through every phase of our adult lives and have always been there for each

“We have one of those rare friendships where we only have to look at each other and we start cracking up for absolutely no reason” through the highs, the lows, the tears, the laughter, the heartaches and bellyaches … always without judgement and with wise words of

advice and comfort.

We have one of those rare friendships where we only have to look at each other and we start cracking up for absolutely no reason; or hear each other’s voice over the phone and know instantly if one of us is not feeling good.

Sarah has always called me “Woman” and I can’t think of a better woman than my Sarah to have in my life. w autumn 2021 / issue 07

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44 years of friendship

After decades of friendship, there were no other ladies Siobhan wanted to share her debut motorhome trip with, read further about their lifelong friendship.

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e are all in our 60’s and have been friends for 44 years, since the day we all started nursing at St James’ hospital in Leeds. Our lives have taken different paths, I ventured into journalism, Maggie nursed at a doctors surgery, Ann returned to Cork in Ireland to work in a nursing home and have her children, but we have always kept in touch. Although we do all admit we are pretty useless at keeping in touch for ages, when we do reconnect it is just full of so much fun and laughter, we ask ourselves why don’t we do this more often.

So I could not think of a better way to kickstart my retirement motorhome adventures, two years ago, than with the two of them. I was really excited to go to Leeds Bradford airport to meet up with Maggie and collect Ann from the Cork flight, so that we 48

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By: siobhan daniels

maggie, me and anne

could spend a week together in my lovely motorhome. We all squealed with delight when Ann came through the arrivals door and we headed off to the fab campsite that I had found at Pool Bank Farm.

The views over Wharefdale were to die for and we just sat outside with a few gins and caught up with all that has been happening in our lives. Ann had just retired

from nursing. I had just retired from thirty years at the BBC as a Radio and Television journalist and Maggie is still working as a nurse but contemplating her retirement before too long. So we all had plenty to chat about. The thing I love about our friendship is the ease with which we reconnect every time we get together. This time I was also eager to show them just how I was getting to

grips with the motorhome life. I expertly turned the gas on and connected us to the electricity.

And just to really prove a point, I filled the tank with water so that we could all shower in the morning. Thankfully this time it all went smoothly and they seemed suitably impressed with my efforts. Although I think I did get them a bit annoyed stressing about us taking boots on and off getting into the motorhome.

Something I had to work on and take a chill pill. So I plan to get a big box to put boots in that will go under the motorhome to keep dry and a matt to enable people to take boots off. Who better than lifelong friends to let you know when you are being too uptight!

I knew they would be great as first guests because they would tell me what works and what doesn’t and they would not take any nonsense from me.

I made us a delicious dinner then we settled down for the night chatting over a few gins. I can highly recommend Dingle Gin (thanks Ann). It was great fun having a girlie sleepover and there

Maggie chilling the motorhome

years and in our sixties our friendship is as strong as ever with all our differences

‘The memories of those made us laugh so much, we were transported back all those years. Friendships like ours are ageless.’ was plenty of room for all three of us. It took us back to when we all lived in the nurses home at St James’s hospital in Leeds and we would hang out together and have crazy parties.

The memories of those made us laugh so much, we were

Anne chilling in the motorhome

transported back all those years.

Friendships like ours are ageless.

In the morning we sat in bed for ages drinking coffee and nattering.

I even managed to cover poor Maggie in Allbran when I tried to get the tub out of the locker above her. It was hilarious to see her sitting there covered in it and in shock.

We did actually wander into a field on the walk and realised there was big fat bull sitting down in the distance looking at us, I have never walked up a hill so fast in my life saying “oh my god it’s a bull, it really is a bull, and it is looking at us” Thankfully we found a fairly low wall and quickly clambered over it and survived.

Another story no doubt we will recount to one another, with much laughter, when our little friendship group meets up again over the coming years. w autumn 2021 / issue 07

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granny chic

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The granny accessory making a comeback Rad Union: shopping trollies for a new generation

ad Union is for those in the know.

It’s the first brand to take on the infamous granny shopping trolley and make it cool. Stylish, sustainable and practical, a Rad Union trolley is the ultimate accessory to the weekly shop, especially helpful in these testing times. Not only does it look great, it makes carrier bags obsolete.

Looks cool.

Is it art?

Well, now you mention it…Rad Union partners with up and coming artists to create the bags for its bold and brave trollies.

Each trolley is customisable, with a choice of bag designs, frame colours and wheel colours, so you can pimp your ride to perfection.

There’s eight bold designs from funky ferns and bold bananas, to camo and monsterra.

Look out for the next collection coming soon.

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Isn’t it a faff to move round? I’ve only got two hands…

Rad Union trollies feature nifty hooks, so they can be clipped onto a shopping trolley and pushed round with ease, before being loaded up at the checkout. It’s super strong wheels glide you home with the grace of a skateboard and its retro frame is lightweight and can be folded up once unloaded, so storage isn’t a problem either.

Each trolley holds up to 35 litres and 20kg in weight

See ya later, carrier bags Not just making a fashion statement, Rad Union trollies also take a pretty bold stand against carrier bags. There’s now finally a reason to ditch the bags altogether. The trollies are packed with only recycled, sustainable and biodegradable packaging too. w Rad Union trollies are made by hand, not robots in Leeds and are delivered pre-assembled. Find out more and make a purchase at https://rad-union.com. The trollies are priced from £125.

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Friends: a reason, a season or a lifetime?

Read our experts advice on how to deal with a friendship breakup By: chalita frost

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but sometimes relationships are irrevocably damaged, trust is lost and a decision may have to be made to no longer have that person in your life anymore... and it really is okay to make that choice.So how do you move forward from this?

I believe the first step to healing is to give yourself permission to feel the emotion surrounding the circumstance. There is no rigid timescale to being able to fully process any sensitive situation. Take as long as you need and find a way to let go of any expectation you may have surrounding it.

Next is acceptance. Acceptance of what has happened, including your own involvement and the parts that were entirely out of your control.

Humans hurt each other, it’s sad but it’s just how it is. Accept you will not be the same person you were before this conflict happened and accept that you absolutely can move forward from it.

Write things down if it helps or

IMAGE:UNSPLASH

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riendships can be beautiful, bright and full of laughter.

Friends can even feel like family, embellishing our lives in a way that other relationships may not.

But what happens if a friendship turns sour? And the person you once felt so connected to is no longer around in the same capacity?

There are many situations that can change the dynamics of a friendship forever.

Whilst losing a friend through issues other than passing away can seem less final, the emotions that the loss evokes can still be traumatic.

Shock, heartbreak and a sense of grief can be felt when someone who was once a vital part of your life is no longer there for you.

Of course there are many ways to find a solution to serious conflict communication and understanding are key. If it feels right to reach out and try to carve a way through the difficulty, then absolutely do so. Life is short and people are important

speak to someone impartial to try to consider all perspectives. Often we can hold onto the hurt that we believe the other person has projected upon us but this is not conducive to healing. Holding on will serve no purpose other than to manifest negativity, it’s crucial to let go of negative emotion in order to move forward with a renewed sense of serenity.

Be mindful that waiting for an apology or a conversation to provide closure may never happen, so understand that it really is possible to move on without explanation or apology. Forgiveness is the greatest

way to find inner peace.

Sometimes things happen in life and your world may feel like utter turmoil for a while but even crisis can bring lessons and ultimately you will be okay. When experiencing difficult times, take a moment to consider this quote: ‘not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path’. Friends can be in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

You can and will enjoy life again and remember that avoiding certain people or situations to protect your emotional health is not a weakness, it’s wisdom.

“Be mindful that waiting for an apology or a conversation to provide closure may never happen, so understand that it really is possible to move on without explanation or apology” And finally, let go to grow. Instead of spending countless hours wishing there had been a different outcome or feeling resentment toward that person, consciously switch your thoughts to wish them love and happiness only, regardless of any other feelings. Positive thoughts are powerful, send them out and they will return to you too.

If you feel you have difficulty letting go and would like to explore

some options, please do get in touch with Chalita. There are specific NLP techniques that can help to unblock recurring thoughts and feelings surrounding conflict in any relationship - past or present. w Chalita is a qualified NLP Practitioner and is offering a free half an hour consultation by phone, video or face to face with the code FAB30. www.chalitafrostnlpandlifecoaching.co.uk autumn 2021 / issue 07

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summer 2021 / issue 06

blossoming friendships Meet the International expert in parent and baby wellness befriending mums worldwide By: Gayle Berry

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ayle Berry is an international Expert in Parent and Baby Wellness and the Founder of Blossom & Berry (https://www. blossomandberry.com/), she has befriended thousands of mothers worldwide, helping them build deeper connections with their children, she is now on post Covid mission to connect, connect, connect…

Blossom & Berry was created in 2001 when Gayle was struggling as a new Mother, worried that she was getting it wrong and not supporting her newborn daughter in the best way she could. She was desperate to soothe her daughter and to learn how to understand her evolving needs, despite her young baby not being able to communicate with them directly.

It wasn’t until Gayle discovered the wonder of baby massage that she began to find her confidence and stride as a new Mother. The art of baby massaging can be described as gentle and rhythmic stroking of your baby’s body using your hands - the physical touch creates a sense of calm serenity, promoting healthy interaction between parent and child.

Fast forward to now, Gayle uses her specialise techniques in baby wellness training to connect to Mother’s all around the world as a friend, especially to those who may experience loneliness, confusion and worry in those early days of Motherhood.

Not only has she transformed

Gayle berry

herself as a Mother, but also as a professional; she went from being a city lawyer to a baby massage instructor to now being the Founder of Blossom & Berry and she is eager to help other women fuel their unique desire for living, whilst connecting through kinship with females all over the world.

She says; “I have been able to completely love my job, find my passion in life and spend time with my three children as they have grown up. This has been my greatest joy.”

Blossom & Berry is made up of a team of women, who together,

promote and teach the importance of positive touch, communication and love through expertise massage and yoga practices. They offer a range of bespoke courses designed to connect students who are willing to learn from all over the globe to share the value of nurture and care for one another.

Gayle is a global change maker carrying with her a force for good to make babies feel seen and heard.

She says, “When we respond to babies with love, we teach that the world is a safe and loving place and help children reach their 4 full potential.” autumn 2021 / issue 07

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Gayle is on a mission to connect and build networks with over 100,000 Mothers and babies, reaching some of the most vulnerable children.

Next month, Gayle is holding an event in London, bringing together expert speakers and creative learning to showcase why love, connection and community can save the world, one baby at a time. Sponsored by Palmers, the event will be on the 9th October and will proudly be hosting the likes of the highly regarded childcare author, Sarah OckwellSmith, along with Liz Pemberton, Director of The Black Nursery Manager Ltd and Mark Williams, the founder of International Father’s Mental Health Day and the #Howareyoudad campaign… and many more!

This power event will endeavour to open up the conversations about Motherhood, parenting, love and friendship, bolstering the will to

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Gayle berry

create a happier world where parents can connect in solidarity all over the world. w

For more information please visit: https://www.blossomandberry.com/ nurturing-the-future-conference/

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Friendships

we love

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Just for fun, can you name these famous friendships

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5 13

3 7 6 60

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1. The spice girls 2. All saints 3.Clueless 1955 4. Jennifer Anniston & Courtney Cox 5. Drew Barrymore & Cameron Diaz 6. Reese Witherspoon & Sophie Vergara 7. Steel Magnolias 1989 8. Rihanna & Melissa Forde 9. This is England cast 2006 10. Thelma & Louise 11. Stand by me 1986 12. Bridesmaids cast 13. Of course, the hilarious FRIENDS cast!!

14. Pretty woman, Vivian & Kit de Luca 15. Our SATC girls!

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Toxic friendships Everything you need to know about toxic friendships and how to deal with them.

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riendship:It is said there are 3 kinds of friendships.

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What a toxic friend does Everyone has good and bad days.

On a bad day, kindness doesn’t always come easily, even with loved

Pictures:Unsplash

• THE BEST FRIEND. This is that one friend who you know, no matter what, will be there for you for the rest of your life. ...

• THE LISTENER • THE FUN ONE • THE LOYAL COWORKER •THE WISE ONE I think we all like to think of ourselves as at least one or more of the above. Its often the case and if you’re, lucky in your 40’s, you have a group of friends that you’ve had in your life a long time. However, sadly we can still come into contact with destructive and toxic people, of any gender, that can make us question our quality of judgment. I always think you’re never to old to learn life lessons about friendship.

So we have collated some very wise and informative guidelines that outline ways you can identify toxic behaviour. Whether in day to day life or indeed as it is now in the online community.

Friends help make life more

meaningful. They provide social and emotional support, ease feelings of loneliness and help you feel happier and more satisfied with life.

Maintaining social connections can even lengthen your lifespan and lower your risk of mental and physical health concerns, including depression Some friendships might not have such a positive effect. Others might be downright toxic.

Toxic friendships can take different forms, but they generally drain you mentally and have a way of bringing you down instead of building you up.

Wondering how to recognize a toxic friendship? Not sure how to deal with the situation or how it might affect you? Here are 25 tips on recognizing and dealing with friends that cause more harm than happiness.

ones. So, how can you tell the difference between a truly toxic friend and someone who’s just having a bad day?

Bad days vs. bad vibes A good friend having a bad day might snap at you or seem distant, but they’ll likely apologize once things settle down.

Toxic friends, on the other hand, tend to follow a pattern that never really dies down. They won’t

show much regret or inclination to change, even when they realize they made you feel bad.

Here’s a look at some other things a toxic friend might do: Put you down Friends often joke with each other, and a little good-natured teasing doesn’t mean your friendship is toxic, especially if you’re laughing, too.

When a friend regularly demeans you and makes you feel miserable, whether they use more subtle tactics or outright insults, your friendship probably isn’t a healthy one.

Gossip You told a friend something in confidence, and the next day, your entire social circle knows the details.

Anyone can slip up and say

things they shouldn’t. Toxic friends might seem to enjoy spreading secrets around, even when you ask them to keep personal information private.

Someone who consistently breaks your trust probably doesn’t care much about your feelings.

Apologize without sincerity When you call them out on their behavior, they shrug off your distress or give a flippant, “Sorry.” 4 autumn 2021 / issue 07

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Instead of taking time to consider your perspective, they say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” or follow up their apology with a defensive “but.”

You know the one: “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but it was just a joke.“ These non-apologies suggest someone doesn’t really care how their actions affect you.

Make you feel nervous Unpredictability alone doesn’t necessarily indicate someone is toxic, but when his or her reactions could cause harm or feel abusive.

It’s wise to proceed with caution.

No one is entirely predictable, but it’s reasonable to expect someone you trust to mostly express their emotions in a safe, healthy ways.

Maybe they get extremely irritated and shout at you over tiny things, like forgetting to turn off the TV or not returning a jacket they lent you. Then, the next minute they act as if nothing happened.

If you never know how they’ll react, you might have a hard time feeling comfortable around them.

Leave you unsettled Spending time with a close friend should make you feel good, generally speaking. Maybe spending time with one particular friend leaves you uneasy or upset.

You might not even have a good explanation why, but when you leave them, you feel more relieved than disappointed, and you don’t 64

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look forward to spending time with them.

If you notice this unsettled feeling, consider examining your friendship for other signs that things aren’t quite right.

Compare you to other people Have a friend who likes to point out the ways you don’t measure up to their other friends? Maybe your apartment is smaller than X’s apartment so it’s not as fun to hang out with you. Or dressing more like Y would make you cooler.

“They drop in when things are going well or when they need something, but when you’re struggling, you can’t reach them at all” People have their own unique traits and differences, and a good friend will recognize this. They won’t compare you to others or imply you’re somehow less than another person. They definitely don’t use peer pressure to get you to do things you’d prefer not to do, either.

Put themselves front and center — always Ever had a fair-weather friend?

They drop in when things are going well or when they need something, but when you’re struggling, you can’t reach them

at all.

Some friends can go on for an hour about their recent problems.

When they finish venting, they offer a token, “And how are you?” before quickly turning the conversation back to themselves.

True friends don’t just take.

They also offer empathy for your concerns, in circumstances good, bad, or anywhere in between.

Try to change you Someone who tries to change things about you may not be an ideal friend.

A true friend understands that people have different personalities, and they’ll accept you for yourself.

If you ask for guidance on something you’d like to change, they might provide support and encouragement — but they’ll probably wait for you to ask instead of telling you what you should do.

Say you struggle in social settings and struggle at meeting new people. A good friend might suggest you come to their next game night so they can introduce you to a few other friends in a comfortable environment.

How toxic friendships affect you Toxic friendships can have a pretty significant impact on overall well-being— and not positively.

Spending time with people who don’t care about your feelings can eventually affect your emotional and physical health.

If you notice any of the following signs after spending time with a friend, you may want to consider re-evaluating the friendship.

You feel lonely and isolated Spending time with friends should increase your sense of connection.

A toxic friendship might leave you feeling ignored instead. You reach out to make plans, but you’re left out of group events and your messages go unanswered (unless, of course, they need something from you).

They don’t seem to want to spend time with you, and the friendship doesn’t fulfill you or feel like a friendship at all.

Your stress increases Reduced stress is one key benefit of strong friendships.

Seeing friends might not always make you feel 100 percent better, but you’ll probably notice some improvement.

A toxic friend, far from helping relieve stress, can add to it. They might say or do things that upset you when you spend time together, for example.

Even when you aren’t with them, you might spend a lot of time thinking back to your negative interactions, which can make you feel tense, irritable, or even downright awful.

You don’t feel supported True friends offer support when you need it. Sure, this support isn’t always tangible. At the very least, friendship typically involves listening and offering validation for

distress and pain.

In a toxic friendship, you never feel that support or compassion.

You feel minimized when they brush off your problems or ignored outright if they never respond to your messages or requests for help.

In short, they aren’t there for you when you need a friend most.

Your self-confidence and selfesteem take a hit When someone continually puts you down and treats you poorly, you might start to accept this behavior and stop expecting anything better.

As you begin to believe their putdowns and start to doubt your own strengths and capabilities, your self esteem may start to diminish.

You blame yourself for their behavior Another outcome of

manipulation? You start to think you’re in the wrong.

When they lash out at you, you might believe you deserve it. You might decide they never offer support because you ask for help too often. So you try making it up to them by jumping in whenever they need something.

You might even feel grateful they spend any time with you since, after all, they’ve pointed out so many of your flaws.

You often feel off-balance People who behave in toxic ways often use some kind of manipulation to get what they want. Manipulation often leaves the impression that something isn’t quite right, though you can’t identify exactly what.

You might feel as if you never know the right thing to say or do. 4 autumn 2021 / issue 07

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They might take subtle digs at you or mock you openly, leaving you uncertain whether they mean what they say.

Their reactions (or overreactions) can further unbalance you.

Sometimes they laugh things off, sometimes they shout. Not knowing which will happen can make you so confused you aren’t sure how to proceed — except with extreme caution.

This uneasiness can bleed into other parts of your life, leaving you jumpy and easily upset.

Your other relationships suffer One toxic friendship can slowly but steadily begin to poison other friends who are close to you.

Once you start to doubt yourself, you might see yourself as a poor friend. Even if you don’t start doubting yourself, you might find it difficult to trust others.

You might wonder if everyone sees you as flawed, boring, or unsupportive and begin avoiding people as a result.

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This can keep you from seeking support from people who really do care, leaving you further isolated and alone.

So, now what?

You’ve realized you have a toxic friendship, but what comes next?

You have two main options. You might want to try talking to your friend first. It’s possible they don’t realize just how unpleasant their behavior is. If you want to salvage the friendship, this might be a good first choice. The other choice involves ending the friendship.

The tips below can help you take a safe, healthy route — whichever path you choose.

It’s OK to want to offer a second chance…

Maybe they weren’t always toxic or don’t understand how their actions affect you. Some people do need a little extra support here.

If they behave in self-centered ways without showing outright maliciousness, talking to them

about the impact of their behavior could improve matters.

Use “I” statements and other productive methods to start a dialogue. Be open about how their behavior makes you feel and consider setting boundaries for future interactions.

For example: “I feel hurt when I hear negative comments about my hair or clothes. In the future, please don’t mock my style choices.” …but this isn’t always the best idea If the friendship doesn’t have any positive benefits for you, and your conversation with them hasn’t helped any, it may be time to end it. The same goes for friendships that cross over into abusive relationship territory.

You can tell someone how their actions affect you, but you can’t make them change.

They have to do this on their own, and not everyone is willing to make the effort.

They might promise to change and treat you better temporarily.

But if they start belittling you again or returning to other patterns of toxic behavior, you’re better off moving on.

Take space for yourself If you spend a lot of time wishing a friend would treat you better, why not take a break from them for a while and see what changes?

Time apart from the friendship can help you sort through your feelings and get clarity on your next steps. You can also see how

your life looks without that person in it.

Maybe things improve significantly and you feel much better when you don’t have to worry about seeing them. If so, this is a strong reason to consider ending the friendship.

Set boundaries If you do want to try maintaining the friendship, boundaries are key.

Make it clear that you won’t accept certain behaviors, such as shouting, lying, gossiping, or flaking out on plans with no explanation.

You might consider explaining how these behaviors affect you and how you’ll respond.

For example: “I don’t like being put down, so if you keep making jokes at my expense, we can’t hang out.”

Practice ahead of time Once you know you need to end the friendship, let them know.

Communicating this in person is often best. Choose a public place that also offers some privacy, like a park or other neutral location. If you don’t feel safe, giving them a call or writing a letter can also work. Just try to avoid ending a friendship by text message, if possible.

Before the discussion, write out what you want to say. Will you explain your reasons or simply say the friendship no longer works for you? Organizing your thoughts and practicing beforehand (by yourself or with someone you trust)

can boost your confidence and help you stick with your decision.

Be direct While the level of detail you provide may depend on the circumstances or your history with that person, don’t leave them with any ambiguity about the status of your friendship.

They may not want to end the friendship, so they may cut you off or try turning the situation around to make you feel guilty. Try not to react, even if they react angrily or aggressively. Restate your decision calmly (but firmly) and leave.

Think carefully before getting back in touch

If you decide to cut off contact, trust your instincts and avoid reaching out or responding to attempts to contact you.

In time, you might think about the good times you shared and wonder if they’ve changed.

Remember why you ended the friendship. Restarting it could make you just as miserable again, so it’s best to let some time pass before you consider picking it

back up.

People can change, certainly, and if your friend reaches out with an apology that seems sincere, you might try rekindling the friendship.

Just move slowly to protect yourself.

Open up to others Getting trapped in a toxic friendship can make you feel embarrassed, confused, or distrustful of others. If you’ve distanced yourself from other friends, you might have a hard time connecting again.

You probably have some good friends who really do want to offer support. Reaching out to them and explaining the situation can help you, which can help you heal.

What if we have mutual friends?

If you and a toxic friend have mutual friends, you might worry how they’ll react. Don’t feel you have to give more details than you feel comfortable with. They may already have some awareness of the situation.

You might simply say, “I decided to end the friendship because it had a negative impact on my well-being,” or something along those lines.

Ending a toxic friendship can be challenging, and it’s completely normal to need a little extra support at any part of the process.

A counselor can help you begin exploring your feelings about the friendship and consider options for ending it or repairing it. w *Advice provided by Crystal Raypole writer and editor for GoodTherapy. autumn 2021 / issue 07

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in our

next issue Christmas

It’s going to be a very merry Christmas over at FabMag HQ. We are both already excited for festive frolics, cosy nights, christmas lights, baileys on ice and wrapping with ribbons.

Join us in our next issue, which will be dedicated to the festive season, gift guides, tabled decoration ideas, family christmas stories & more!

Love, Zee & Alix x

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