Finding myself while in quarantine

By: Chloe Resma

Chloe Resma //EOTT

In March of 2020, the world shut down, disconnecting us from most forms of social interaction. Having all this time separated from others gave everybody the opportunity to spend time in their own presence without others.

Within the past year many people, myself included, spent it on self reflection. I questioned my beliefs, values, what interests me, who I want to spend my time with and how I'm truly doing mentally. The answers were rarely clear but that's as to be expected.

Needless to say, it hasn’t been easy. The process of discovering oneself can lead to various emotions. At many points throughout the year, I felt anxious, insecure, alone, numb; but in others my mind felt at ease, I have gained confidence, awareness, and so on. Everybody's journey is different, but personally, mine was a struggle.

For a good portion of middle school I was a people pleaser, I had lost myself but wasn't aware that I had. It wasn’t until everyone was stuck at home that I realized I wasn’t happy with who I was. I didn’t like the way I dressed, the people I hung around, my views, how I took care of myself, everything was determined by the question of “what are other people going to think?”

When I realized this, I cut off the factors of my life that I felt were blocking passages to happiness. Quarantine gave me the opportunity to step back from multiple aspects of my life and work on myself.

I spent a lot of time in my head. As my beliefs changed, I became more comfortable in my own presence and mind. In other areas, quite the opposite occurred. A lot of those changes were difficult to adjust to. I started to self-isolate. I stopped taking care of myself, lost my appetite and slept the time away because staying awake felt like an inconvenience. I felt empty and numb.

For a good portion of this time period I was really struggling. This worried my parents, best friends and boyfriend. My parents offered to take me to a psychiatrists, therapists, mental hospitals and counselors. I refused all these because I didn’t feel like I deserved to heal.

This mindset set me back for a long time. It wasn’t up until lately that I realized I do deserve to heal and feel loved. But even now that I’ve realized that, I have moments where I feel tempted to go back to my self-destructive tendencies.

After making internal changes, the factors of my environment also began to alter. One of the first things that changed was the connections I had with others. I realized my friends were holding me back from what personally makes me happy. It was a difficult realization to make. They weren’t bad people, they were just bad for me. As hard as it was, I chose to let go. Saying goodbye wasn’t easy. As nice as it sounds, letting go of what no longer serves you is really hard. But looking back, I'm glad I let go so I could move forward.

Now although self-reflection can be emotionally exhausting, I wish those reading this not to ignore the benefits of introspection in the long run. But excluding those moments of doubt and just overall struggle would be to neglect more than half of this experience.

Self discovery felt like such a curse. It damaged my relationship with my family, food, boyfriend and friends, as well as my confidence in my body and persona. Nothing felt right. I'm still mentally recovering, but after all the damage is done, it's been incredibly advantageous to my overall quality of life. Quarantine forced me to be my own company and, over time, I learned to appreciate it.

I urge everybody to self-reflect and work on bettering themselves. It may be a roller coaster of emotions but it's how we grow and improve as individuals. Be patient with yourself; self-love and growth truly is a lifelong process.