Exposure 118

HARM STOP THE

Issue 118 Spring 2015 Special Editorial Everyone self-harms. No, really. Those that kick themselves for not studying hard; for not believing they’re good enough for that girl or guy; for those that stay up all night playing video games or watching films rather than getting a good night’s sleep before a big day… We’ve all done it. Everyone beats themselves up.

Sometimes literally, Sometimes not.

As young people we’re particularly at risk. The World Health Organisation states there has been a threefold rise in self-harm among children and adolescents over the past decade, with one in 12 teenagers reporting having self-harmed in the last year.

So why aren’t we then all covered in scars and bruises? What’s hidden on the skin, beneath the clothes, and what’s going on inside the body, beneath the skin? Why does self-harm even happen at all?

In this magazine Exposure speaks to the young people who are experiencing or have experienced self-harm.

Eleanor Hardy

“A pattern of raised crisscrossed scars, some old and white, others more recent in various shades of pink and red.

Exposing the stress of the structure underneath its paint” Amy Efaw. Author.

www.exposure.org.uk Exposure is an award winning youth media enterprise.

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For more details call 020 8883 0260 or email info@exposure.org.uk To protect the people who shared their experiences in this publication, names and some details have been changed.

Those featured in the photographs are models. Exposure worked with mental health charity Young Minds to produce this magazine.

Exposure is a registered trademark of Exposure Organisation Limited, registered in England no. 03455480, registered charity no. 1073922. The views expressed by young people in Exposure do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher or its funders. (c) 2015. All rights reserved. ISSN 1362-8585

DEAR ME Dear You

You’re facing many challenges. You aren’t feeling great I know. That’s why I’m writing this letter.

You’re sat in your bedroom at home dreading the thought of walking through the school gate

“You’re lying on a bed waiting on an admission to some mental hospital.” tomorrow. You’re thinking of an excuse so you don’t have to go. You’re scared of what the other boys and girls will say. You’re scared of being alone as well.

Mum won’t fall for you pretending to be ill again.

You’re thinking about more convincing alternatives.

Your thoughts are wondering. You’ve had a bright idea! Why not hurt yourself? Better than going to school, and you’ll be taken seriously for a change.

It all makes sense now. You’re going ahead. You’re doing it.

But it doesn’t solve anything. It makes things worse.

You’ll understand that. Long lasting repercussions from an attempt at solving a temporary problem.

Obviously no one is there to help you realise that, and it’s too late. You went too far. You’re being rushed to hospital, no going back now.

Four months later and you’ve hit rock bottom. A lot has happened. You were lying on a bed waiting to be admitted to some mental hospital. I wish you’d realised that you weren’t alone. There are others just like you. There are so many other ways of dealing with your problems. But you never asked for help. You never asked.

There are so many other paths you could have chosen to go down. There was that teacher that understood you. You knew she would have helped if you’d spoken to her. And your friends? The ones who stood by you… they would have definitely done what they could. What about your parents? The very last people you’d speak to, I know. You could have though…. but you’ll be okay one day. You’ll let others in and they’ll help you.

I know because I’m You. You’re Me.

Love Me. Love You.

If you are self-harming or are thinking about self-harming you can call Mind on 0300 123 3393

HOW IT STARTED Jennifer

My mother was incredibly doting, and she wanted to do everything for us. But she had a number of mental breakdowns during my childhood, so that wasn’t always possible. So actually I had to grow up fairly self-reliant. When she was well enough she’d want to place me back in the cradle, but I wouldn’t fit.

She would ask why I was being horrible to her when I wanted to choose my own clothes, and brush my own hair. She would dissolve into prolonged crying fits if she made a tiny mistake with the aspects of care she could still perform for us, like overcooking our pasta for a minute longer than the packet said.

I dealt with it by doing well at school and not causing trouble. I shut myself away, studying for hours on end. I did extra-curricular things to keep me out of the house. I rarely went to parties so as to avoid discussions. I wore my brother’s old clothes so they didn’t have to spend money on me.

“Over-working was a way of escaping from more dangerous emotional harm.”

So, actually, the origins of my self-harm were a form of self-care: over-working was a way of escaping from more dangerous, emotional harm. It was the same when I hit myself, which I sometimes did when I felt I’d inadvertently upset someone.

I wanted to show them that I could punish myself without them confronting me. I wasn’t crying for help; I was begging not to be harmed.

If you are self-harming or are thinking about self-harming you can call Mind on 0300 123 3393

Raheem I was incredibly depressed, after falling out with a girl that I was in love with. We had really nasty arguments and I had made her cry etc. The guilt, along with the pain of not being with her, was too much. A lot of people took her side and I felt quite cornered. My friendships became strained. I’d done badly in my A levels as well and I felt like everything had fallen apart.

Part of the reason why I started self-harming was because I couldn’t deal with or process emotional pain. As a bloke, physical pain is a lot more familiar, and that is part of the reason why I did it.

“Part of the reason why I started selfharming was because I couldn’t deal with or process emotional pain.”

I got home late one night very drunk and I hurt myself. I would keep getting very drunk over the next few months and I would hurt myself again.

I didn’t really have anyone to guide me, to make me realise that what I was feeling was actually pretty normal. While others seemed to be coping with life and relationship problems, I was drowning. Harming seemed to be the thing that helped me release tensions and frustrations inside.

I wasn’t even really aware what self-harm was. It was just something I did. I never spoke about it. I was alone.

Young Minds say:

You may self-harm if you are feeling anxious, depressed or stressed or if you are being bullied and feel that you do not have a support network or way to deal with your problems. The issues then ‘build up’ to the point where you feel like you are going to explode. Young people who self-harm often talk about the ‘release’ that they feel after they have self-harmed, as they use it as a mechanism to cope with their problems.

WHY SELF-HARM? “Self-harm was a way for me to cope with life in general.

I didn’t, and don’t, see self-harm as the problem.”

Simone I self-harmed from a young age without recognising it as such. I was 16 years old the first time I consciously and purposefully did it by scratching the skin on my forearm. I wanted others to listen to me. Screaming and shouting isn’t appropriate so I needed a way to release the tension.

Self-harm serves a number of purposes for me: to comfort me by the physical sensation that reminds me where my body is in space (this is a sensory processing issue I have); to punish me for not feeling able to cope and behaving inappropriately (shouting or getting angry at people); to concentrate the anxiety I feel all over my body into a specific area to make it more manageable; and to reassure myself that, while everything is not all right, I still have a way of coping; to distract myself from bad thoughts.

I often wanted the scars from self-harming to remain, and I would make them worse in the days that followed.

If I’d had advice on how to minimise scars as well as access to first-aid, I may have learned from the beginning the therapeutic effect of taking care of self-harm injuries (I currently do this). My arms would look better now.

Self-harm was a way for me to cope with life in general: I didn’t, and don’t, see self-harm as the problem. When people focused on the self-harm (telling me to stop, or asking/ demanding to know why I was self-harming) it felt as though people only cared about the self-harm, invalidating my existence and my feelings without it. I responded best to those who spent time with me, acknowledged the self-harm but didn’t focus on it, and who asked me more general questions about life/school/ family. When I trusted that this person was actually interested in me, rather than only responding to me because there was a ‘serious’ issue, I was able to discuss the problems that were leading to my self-harm in more detail. And generally, I just wanted a hug from someone who I felt loved me unconditionally.

Young Minds say:

Research has shown that young women are the group who are most likely to self-harm although the percentage of young men who self-harm is on the increase. It found 10 per cent of 15-16-year-olds have self-harmed and 25,000 children and young people are admitted to hospital each year due to the severity of their injuries. So, if you are self-harming, you are not alone and there is help available.

“I just wanted a hug from someone who I felt loved me unconditionally.”

If you are self-harming or are thinking about self-harming you can call Mind on 0300 123 3393

OUT OF HARM’S WAY

Jennifer

I was lucky that I found a friend who really got to know me and cared for me. For at least a year, and chronically for the last few months, all I could think about was hurt and fear and disappointment and rage, but this person kept reminding me who I was, what I loved, what I was capable of. Eventually, that made me able to find an alternative. I wrote a poem every single day for a year, channelling that energy into something productive rather than destructive, and I sent every single one to her: a way of showing my pain without a bruise or a scar. And she read them, each and every one.

Even if you don’t know someone like that right now, you will. Your feelings overwhelm you because you have something huge to offer the world – however hard it is, you need to use that energy to search for that, not to beat yourself into submission.

“I knew the drugs and drink were harming me, which is why I did them to excess.”

David When I was 17 I witnessed something extremely traumatic.

I found my next-door neighbour had hanged himself and his wife was screaming for me to cut him down. I couldn’t do anything. I just froze. The paramedics explained that he had been dead a while and there was nothing I could have done to help him.

I still felt massively guilty. I struggled in the months that followed. I began drinking heavily, often to the point where I’d black out.

I ended up doing it more and more often. To others I seemed like the life and soul of the party, but inside I was miserable and hated myself. I’d drink anything and everything, and then I started with drugs. I wanted to forget. I woke up in hospital on numerous occasions. Then one time I had to be resuscitated on the side of the road after collapsing. It was then that I realised I had a problem with my guilt over what happened. I guess I always knew but never admitted it.

I never spoke to my parents or my mates about how I was feeling. I kept supressing it until my grandad died and I broke. I stayed in my house for months. I stopped speaking to everyone I knew. I’d just be in my room smoking lots of weed. And I was completely aware of what I was doing – I knew the drugs and drink were harming me, which is why I did them to excess. I was punishing myself for the guilt I felt.

Then one day something snapped in me. I had a realisation that I had to change. I had to get out of the mode of self-destruction.

I still felt terrible and was still smoking, but I got a job. By doing that and meeting new people and rebuilding my life I could think about what happened more sensibly, with a level head.

It was made clear to me at the time that I couldn’t have saved that man, and it was only when I stopped harming myself that I accepted the truth in that.

Young Minds say:

Talk to your GP about how you feel and any other issues you may have, as well as the self-harm, e.g. if you are being bullied or if you are feeling anxious or depressed. It may be that tackling the underlying issues will help you to cope with problems without self-harming. If your GP is dismissive or unhelpful you have a right to change GPs. But your GP can help and may offer you a range of support, e.g. counselling or therapy including Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which looks at understanding your thoughts and behaviour. You may also be referred to child and adolescent mental health services (CAMHS) for an assessment, or sent to hospital for treatment.

If you are self-harming or are thinking about self-harming you can call Mind on 0300 123 3393

GIVING SUPPORT Jennifer There’s no right way to support a self-harmer.

Everyone is different. I’ve struggled with it for a long time. For the last year I’ve lived on a psychiatric unit with chronic self-harmers of one kind or another.

Through this experience I’ve noticed things that help and some that do not. You know your friend better than I do, but if you’re stuck, the following advice might be useful.

Do something Your friend probably feels invisible. Sure, you don’t want to encourage negative behaviour, but if you ignore it, they will probably carry on. They need to know you have noticed; they need to know they can be seen.

Listen more than you talk They may struggle to open up about what is wrong.

They may not even know. Be willing to sit with them in silence, or listen to them ramble on until they figure out what they’re trying to say. You can help them with phrases like, ‘Tell me more about that’, ‘Why do you think that is?’, ‘What does that mean to you?’ – but try not to tell them why you think they are harming. They need to work it out themselves.

If you are self-harming or are thinking about self-harming you can call Mind on 0300 123 3393

“Of course you will want and need to check up on how they are coping, but don’t let that stop you talking about the positive things in their life.”

Let them know the dangers

Talk about other stuff

Some self-harmers don’t know how dangerous it can be, and might stop when they know.

But plenty won’t. Some will think they’re invincible and won’t believe you and some just won’t care. Self-harm can feel like the only solution to a life-or-death problem, so knowing it’s risky is insignificant in comparison.

Nobody wants to feel defined by their problems.

Check how they are coping, but don’t let that stop you talking about other things: What they do, the stuff they like, and what makes them happy.

Suggest hobbies in line with their interests: writing, drawing, music, sports, gardening, keeping pets, are examples of pastimes that have been proven to boost mental health. Don’t advertise it as an alternative to self-harm, because the effect won’t be as immediate and this might frustrate them. But simply acknowledging their passions and abilities will make them feel more visible and understood, and may spark some hope.

Validate Your friend is self-harming because they feel helpless, unheard and alone. Let them know you sense their pain, that you don’t think they deserve to feel that way, and that you believe them about the cause of it. Validation of their feelings will continue to be vital if they need to seek professional help. This can often be a difficult time for a self-harmer for many reasons. Having someone around that can understands will be a great help.

Ask them who they trust They may not feel comfortable discussing personal information with you. If so, don’t take it personally and don’t force them to share.

Encourage them to think about who they can talk to. This will show them you are concerned for their welfare, and not just trying to find out their secrets.

Never make it about you My mum once said to me, “You know when you punish yourself, you punish me too.” Nothing could have been more damaging for me. The guilt made me hate myself more, which made me hurt myself more. Of course you’re hurting.

And of course you want them to know you care.

But that will come out without you having to say it, and they will respond better if they can see that you are more concerned about them than about yourself.

Look after you Good luck. You are incredibly brave for trying to help – lots of young people shy away from the issue. But make sure you take care of yourself too. If it all gets too much for you, make sure you have someone you can talk to about it.

If you don’t have anyone to speak to call the Young Minds Parent and Carer helpline on 0808 802 5544.

SELF FIND YOUR