Brave Together Volume 2 CLASSIC

GROW IN CONFIDENCE. KNOW YOUR IDENTITY.

2 VOLUME

DISCOVER DIG DEEPER PURPOSE

THE QUEST TO DIG DEEPER Welcome to Brave Together Journey 2, a unique path with solid stepping stones to strengthen you on this adventure you are on.

Life is not a sprint but a marathon. The topics in Journey 2 will support you for the rest of your life as you seek to establish some building blocks of emotional health.

The strong root system of a grand fruit tree is important for its health and longevity, enabling it to bear loads of good fruit. You are like this tree. We want to help you nourish a great root system so you do not just survive but thrive in life with the sweet fruits of personal growth, success, and healthy, positive relationships!

Approach Journey 2 with an open heart and a willingness to learn and grow—which takes courage and grit. Be prepared to be surprised, challenged, empowered, affirmed, and transformed. You may experience healing moments from past pain, opening the door to newfound freedom, perspectives, hope, and joy.

We believe that everything you go through has a purpose. Your struggles, victories, and lessons can shape you into someone stronger and more confident. No matter what, you have incredible worth—step into life knowing that!

As you ‘dig deeper,’ may each article and activity give you the refreshing water and nourishment you need so you can finish in victory!

With gratitude, The Brave Together Team

BRAVE TOGETHER (CLASSIC) - VOL 02 Copyright © 2025 Releasing Generations Published by Releasing Generations Printed in the United States of America All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

All articles, art, and photographs have been published and printed with the permission of their creators.

Art Direction and Graphic Design by: Ahava Design, LLC. Photos by Unsplash and Shutterstock.

TheBraveSeries.com Brave Together is a publication created by Releasing Generations, a non-profit organization that empowers people of all ages to thrive with purpose, while knowing their value. We focus on equipping leaders to positively impact young people through events, training, and resources that build emotional and relational wholeness and release creativity and leadership.

Brave Together Volume 02 (Classic) – 10/2025

DIG DEEPER

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Volume 02

Vol. 01

Vol. 02

CHAPTER 1: BRAVE, BOLD, BEAUTIFUL – KNOW YOURSELF

THE CLOSET OF YOUR HEART: OUT OF HIDING, INTO HEALING

▶ You Are Brave ▶ Being Bold: Embrace Your Courage ▶ The Comparison Trap ▶ Shaped by Beliefs: The Limits We Create for Ourselves

CHAPTER 1: FORGIVENESS

CHAPTER 2: STAND FIRM – SECURE AND CONFIDENT

CHAPTER 2: GRIEF

Discover Purpose

Dig Deeper

▶ Why Forgiveness Sets You Free ................... . . 14 ▶ The Power of Forgiveness ......................... . . 16 ▶ Releasing the Weight of Unforgiveness ........... 22 ▶ You Are Not Your Mistake ........................... 24

▶ Master Your Mindset ▶ Overcoming Intimidation ▶ Self-Confidence and Social Media ▶ The Drive to Be Significant

▶ Healing From the Heartache of Losses ........... . 32 ▶ Growing Through the Losses ...................... . 38 ▶ From the Valley of Grief to Compassion and Empathy ........................................ . 42 ▶ Grief and Suffering to Great Purpose .............. 46

CHAPTER 3: YOUR DESIGN

CHAPTER 3: UNRAVELING EMOTIONS

▶ Your Place. Your Part. Your Purpose. ▶ Ways to Express Yourself ▶ Secure in Your Body Image ▶ Seasons of Life: Rings and Things

▶ Breaking Free From Anger Part 1 .................. . 52 ▶ Breaking Free From Anger Part 2 ................. . 56 ▶ Courage in the Face of Fear ....................... . 58 ▶ Managing Anxious Thoughts ...................... . 63

CHAPTER 4: BORN TO CREATE – YOUR CREATIVE FLOW

CHAPTER 4: PERSEVERANCE

▶ You Are a Creative Genius ▶ The Power of Creativity ▶ Imagination: Your Hidden Superpower ▶ Adventuring in Creativity

▶ Overcoming Struggles With Purpose, Passion, and Grit ................................... . 70 ▶ Perseverance and the Power of Practice .......... . 72 ▶ Persevering Through Friendship Changes ........ . 76 ▶ Finding Rest and Identity in a Busy World ....... . . 81

CHAPTER 5: FREEDOM TO DREAM

CHAPTER 5: PARENTS AND YOU

▶ So the Adventure Begins: Explore, Discover, Dream Big! ▶ Big Dreams, Bold Life ▶ From Vision to Reality ▶ Freedom to Dream

▶ Understanding Parents and Patterns ............. . 90 ▶ The Role of Wise Mentors .......................... . 94 ▶ Growing in Understanding Your Parents .......... 96 ▶ Building Bridges to a Closer Connection with Parents ......................................... 98

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Dig Deeper

Vol. 03

Vol. 04

CHAPTER 1: ESTABLISHING CHARACTER

CHAPTER 1: THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF PORNOGRAPHY

Develop Foundation

Daring Pursuit

▶ Cultivating a Growth Mindset ▶ Building Resilience: Turning Setbacks Into Comebacks ▶ Taking Responsibility ▶ Integrity: A Firm Foundation for Character

▶ Resisting Objectification: Choosing Courage ▶ The Struggle With Porn Addiction ▶ Overcoming Challenges With Strategy ▶ Empowered: Build a Life Beyond Pornified Culture

CHAPTER 2: VALUES TO LIVE BY

CHAPTER 2: OVERCOMING TRAUMA

▶ The Key to a Grateful Mindset ▶ Faithfulness ▶ The Power of Generosity ▶ The Value of Excellence

▶ Understanding Trauma ▶ Adverse Childhood Experiences and the Power of Hope ▶ Dealing with Suicidal Thoughts ▶ How to Support Others Who Have Faced Trauma

CHAPTER 3: GROWING IN LEADERSHIP

CHAPTER 3: ADDRESSING SEXUAL VIOLENCE

▶ Becoming Powerful: A Servant Leader ▶ Be Interested, Not Just Interesting: Listen First, Shine Later ▶ Navigating Authority with Respect ▶ Teamwork Makes the Dream Work

▶ Stay Safe: Protect Yourself From Sexual Violence and Exploitation ▶ Consent: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How to Speak Up ▶ Wounded But Not Shattered/Tears of Sorrow to Joy ▶ Stepping Stones - the Healing Process

CHAPTER 4: THE POWER OF WORDS

CHAPTER 4: SEX TRAFFICKING PREVENTION

▶ The Power of Words ▶ The Power of Encouraging and Assertive Words ▶ From Harmful Gossip to Advocating for Dignity ▶ Speak Life: How Words Can Shape Your Future

▶ Preventing Sex Trafficking ▶ Protect Yourself! Ways Recruiters Groom Teenagers ▶ Whoa. It Happened to Me! ▶ Sextortion: Click with Caution ▶ What Keeps a Victim Trapped? ▶ Is My Friend Being Trafficked? ▶ Voices of Freedom: Three Stories of Victors

CHAPTER 5: BUILDING HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS ▶ Being a Good Friend ▶ Being Real and Creating Safe Friendships: Opening Up ▶ Overcoming Loneliness ▶ The Power of Community: Finding Me in Them

CHAPTER 5: RISING STRONG ▶ Rising Strong One Step at a Time. ▶ Jungle to Jewelry to Justice ▶ Arise a Hero ▶ Purposeful Decisions Shape an Extraordinary Future

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How’s Your Heart?

How is your soul doing? What is going on in your inner world?

We are more multifaceted than the eye can see. Caring about how we appear to the world is not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing, but do we ever take a look at what is on our inside and invest in our own emotional health? Our soul is made up of our mind, will, emotions, thoughts, attitudes, character, and even our moral makeup—in other words, our inner world.

The purpose of these next three chapters, Forgiveness, Grief, and Unraveling Emotions, is to support you in navigating the negative emotions of anger, fear, and sadness.

These common emotions are often ‘stuffed’ and handled in unhealthy ways that can affect us for years to come—and even our physical health over time.

Despite our cultural or family influences, we all have the potential to grow and heal emotionally and mentally, paving the way for a brighter future.

The last two chapters are related to emotional health as well. You will be strengthened to persevere through challenges and navigate issues with your parents, whether they are present in your life or not.

This next article by Brandon Ahu will help prepare you to embark on this transformative journey of self-discovery.

THE CLOSET OF YOUR HEART. Out of Hiding Into Healing

by Brandon Ahu

What is not revealed cannot be healed.

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We can easily think, “If anyone knew about this, they wouldn’t want to be around me.” So we ignore these feelings and try to distract ourselves with everything else: friends, video games, sports, social media—anything is better than the stuff we’re feeling now. We stuff them away into the corners of our hearts, where they sit there and start to smell, making other things in our lives smell.

I hated cleaning my room as a kid. It was one of those things that my mom always threw at me if I ever asked to go out and play with my friends. “Did you clean your room?” was the question that would sentence me to at least 45 minutes of putting away things that had been thoughtlessly thrown across my floor, desk, and bed.

But one day, I cracked the code. Rather than take the time to clean my room and go through everything, I just stuffed it all in my closet and closed the door! Problem solved! So, in the closet it went: toys, books, papers, shoes, backpack, dirty clothes, and used dishes. Every time my mom told me to clean my room, I got it done in less than 5 minutes. The floor, desk, and bed were clean, and I could go out and hang out with my friends.

We were never made to live like this. Although it’s tough and may take a little longer in the moment, we must be able to deal with what we think and feel. Don’t let unresolved issues and feelings sabotage your future. We were made to be free from these things, but you must be willing to bring them into the light.

But hiding is easier, isn’t it?

Everything was great, and my room looked amazing— until the closet got too full, and I couldn’t close the door. Even worse, a funny smell started coming from the closet. One thing about dirty clothes and used dishes is that you can only keep them hidden for so long. The smell started to creep out into other parts of my room.

And you can continue to do that. But we know that eventually, we will have to deal with it. The good, the bad, and the ugly, as they say. So, we might as well deal with these things that we’ve tried to hide. Why would we do this? Because…

What is revealed gets healed.

Of course, my mom found out. And it wasn’t pretty. I had to soak and wash my dirty clothes multiple times to get the smells out, and some just had to be thrown away since they were so gross. Not to mention the dried-milk cereal bowls, old cups of orange juice, and caked-on cheese that wouldn’t come off the nacho plate I had last month. It was a catastrophe. Unloading the mess that I’d stuffed away in my closet for months took longer than if I had just dealt with things the right way.

And the opposite is true as well: What is not revealed cannot be healed.

Yes, it takes courage to face it and bring it into the light.

But don’t forget that in the light, you will find wholeness, forgiveness, and life. Don’t be afraid to deal with the things that you are ashamed of. It all starts with being courageous enough to open the closet and be honest with what’s really in there.

Sometimes, we treat our lives like I treated my room.

We all want a life that looks clean and well put together.

But messes happen to all of us. Rather than dirty clothes or used dishes, our messes look like thoughts, feelings, or habits that we just don’t want to deal with. Intrusive negative thoughts. Feelings of deep anger or rejection.

Disappointment that something didn’t happen how we wanted it to. Hurt and pain toward a loved one, or even guilt and shame over things we’ve done that we’re not proud of.

If we are willing to clean out the closet of our hearts, we will find freedom.

“Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that’s what makes you strong.”

Sarah Dessen

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“If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive.”

Mother Theresa

Chapter 01

Forgiveness LET IT GO

How easy is it to get offended? Irritated? Hurt by people’s actions or words? It can be so easy to hold hurt and bitterness in our hearts when we are mistreated, abused, betrayed, or let down. We can even struggle to forgive ourselves for our own failings.

Forgiving yourself and others is part of the pathway to healing, wholeness, freedom, and joy in life. Open your heart and mind to the articles and stories in this chapter that will empower you to forgive, even when it is difficult.

But remember, forgiveness is always within our reach as we heal and get the support we need in the process.

Let’s grow deeper roots in the good soil of love and forgiveness.

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WHY FORGIVENESS SETS YOU FREE. The Great Choice

by Jason Lehfeldt

“When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive.”

Nelson Mandela

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It is becoming a person who can forgive.

Remember that time recently when someone’s words or actions made you feel annoyed, offended, really angry, hurt, or just left out? Maybe they criticized you or yelled at you? I bet you don't need to think too far back, probably just a day or two, to find a moment when someone’s actions got to you. It’s something we all deal with as part of our everyday reality.

WAIT WHAT?! I know this sounds difficult and, at times, downright impossible. However, holding on to unforgiveness can torment us mentally and emotionally, stealing away our joy and peace. Over time, holding on to bitterness can also increase our risk of suffering from physical health issues. Forgiveness is for our benefit so we can be free from the chains of unforgiveness.

Unfortunately, we do life every day with imperfect people. People will mess up, have bad days, or lose their temper. Sometimes, people can simply irritate us.

While other times, people can deeply wound our hearts in traumatic experiences.

Sometimes, it can seem easier to stuff the hurts and avoid thinking about them. But then we become the walking wounded without realizing it.

Let me share with you something I didn't learn until I was much older. These negative, hurtful events will change you. However, you get to decide if it's for better or worse. You choose. Let me explain.

Forgiveness typically can be given easily and quickly for minor hurts or irritations. Minor hurts are like getting a pinprick on your finger. They irritate, but they are easier to let go of.

Think about an older person, like an uncle, grandparent, or leader, who you really enjoy being around. They are loving, caring, supportive, and fun. Sure, they have a bad day here and there, but that's not the norm.

We can go through serious, traumatic experiences—like betrayal, abuse, or humiliation—that leave deep scars.

A deep hurt feels like a knife through your heart. It is wounding and very painful. Forgiving deep hurts is a process that often involves getting help from others— don’t be afraid or ashamed to reach out to someone who can help you, like a counselor or a trusted mentor.

It can take time to forgive someone and feel completely free from the pain. Be patient with yourself.

Then, there are those other people. Some are crabby, complaining, and just not happy. Some people are seriously mean, abusive, manipulating others to get what they want, and they are just not safe to be around.

These kinds of people didn’t become that way overnight; it’s been a gradual change over time that made them who they are today.

You may not ‘feel’ like forgiving, but pursuing your healing through the pathway of forgiveness is a choice.

Your heart can heal in various creative ways, so your healing journey will not look exactly like someone else’s.

So, your first choice to make is this. Of the kinds of people just described, what kind of person do you want to become?

At this point in my life, I am convinced that forgiving others is the best way to live. Don't let the actions of others negatively affect your life and who you are.

Forgive others and reap the rewards of being a caring, compassionate, peace-filled person.

What is an important key to living a happier life, having better, healthier relationships, and more fulfilling careers?

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

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THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS: POISON OR PEACE.

by Tisha Lehfeldt

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We have all been there. Someone says something rude to us. Or worse, the bad treatment towards us or someone we love can feel horrible. In an instant, our inner emotional world is upside down and a mess! Anger, hate, and unforgiveness have us spinning mad! However, now, you and I have a choice.

My second secret is to remember that hurting people hurt people. Other people have damaged the person who hurt you. Perhaps their mom, dad, spouse, friend, or coworker said or did something awful to them in the past, and they are still hurting deeply from it. Remembering this truth allows me to tap into some real compassion and genuine mercy!

Do we forgive them or withhold our forgiveness? Friend, here’s the truth. Unforgiveness will always trap and imprison us, and forgiveness will always set us free.

Friend, today is your day. Don’t let this moment pass by.

Peace can be yours right now if you choose to forgive and release that person or yourself.

I heard this saying once: “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Wow. That’s some truth. Here’s another: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

Don’t continue to be poisoned by unforgiveness and lead a life marked by hate, bitterness, and anger. Remember, if you invest love and forgiveness, you will tend to receive love and forgiveness.

I don’t know about you, but being a prisoner or dying does not sound like fun. For me, I’m convinced that choosing forgiveness, as difficult as it is, is always the best way to live.

Choose to lead a life that exudes life, love, and kindness!

And, peace will be yours!

Here are some questions to ask yourself

I want to share with you two personal secrets that have helped me move forward and forgive a person who has hurt or offended me.

▶ What is my end in mind? ▶ Why do I expect people not to fail me when I’m human and fail too? ▶ How high a price am I willing to pay to stay angry? ▶ Do I want a life filled with poison or peace?

My first secret is to keep the end in mind. Let me expand.

At the end of my life, I want kindness and love to be my driving force. My passion is for people to believe in the goodness of others because of me.

I am hoping your answer is peace!

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” – Marianne Williamson

What about you? What is your end in mind? Please take a moment and think about it. If you don’t have an anchor, which is the end in mind, you can drift and end your life way off course. Unforgiveness will lead you to be a person who is constantly angry, pent up, judgmental, bitter, and indifferent. Unfortunately, choosing not to forgive a person or yourself will always take you off course.

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i”m letting go of my old ways

ACTIVITY Carrying rocks can weigh you down. Holding onto unforgiveness can feel like carrying heavy rocks in your backpack.

Label next to these rocks all the things you want to ‘let go’ of. Envision yourself throwing rocks and releasing them into a lake or river.

This is an activity to help you ‘let go’ of those things weighing heavily on you.

Draw more rocks if you need to.

Remember, for deeper hurts you may need to reach out to a trusted person in your life who can walk with you through the forgiveness process.

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POWER CLEAN YOUR HEART! Sharing your struggles with a trusted mentor or counselor can be helpful in courageously facing what is in your heart.

Journaling or drawing what is in your heart can release thoughts and feelings that have been suppressed within you. You can begin the process of opening the door to more healing. It takes courage to do so. Maybe now is the time for you to journal or draw something to express what is in your heart regarding this subject of forgiveness—whatever it is!

Journal any thoughts you have about the topic of forgiveness. For example, you can express your pain and struggle with forgiving someone in your life. It can take time and effort to forgive others for deeper hurts.

You could also write about what you learned from the previous articles on forgiveness.

“It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” – Maya Angelou

Doodle whatever you are inspired to draw as it relates to forgiveness, such as what forgiveness looks like.

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mindful doodling

Some common misconceptions about what forgiveness is:

1. “I should deny or ignore my hurt and anger.” In the forgiveness process, especially for deep hurts, it is normal to feel hurt and, at times, even angry. We should not deny or ‘stuff ’ our negative feelings but try to work through and release those feelings.

2. “If I forgive, I’m saying what they did was OKAY and not wrong.” This is not what forgiveness is about at all. Forgiving someone starts with fully acknowledging that what they did was wrong and that it hurt you.

3. “They don’t deserve my forgiveness.” We often wait for someone to apologize or show they feel sorry before we forgive them. But here’s the deal: forgiving is more about helping yourself in the long run. If you don’t forgive, it’s like staying stuck in a whirlpool of emotions; it lets the other person control you. When you forgive, that’s when you take back your peace of mind.

4. “If I forgive, they’ll just hurt me again.” Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or welcoming the person back into your life. Forgiveness allows you to clear your head and heart to think clearly and decide whether restoring the relationship is the next right step. Most of the time, it is, but not always.

5. “I need to trust the person again.” You can forgive someone, but that does not mean that you need to be in a relationship with them or that you must now trust them.

Regaining your trust can take time. Seek wise advice.

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Let’s get started.

Steps in the forgiveness process The following are three helpful, easy-to-remember steps to take when forgiving someone who has hurt you. Remember, forgiveness is a process.

1. Get in touch with your thoughts and feelings. Become more self-aware.

Sometimes, what can help is journaling a letter to the person who offended you that you WILL NOT give to them (it’s an exercise to release your negative feelings and thoughts), but this gives you space and a place to get your raw feelings out...then when done writing, rip it up and throw it away. This can help you to move on towards forgiving.

2. Verbally forgive: You can verbally forgive the person privately when you are by yourself.

Imagine the person is in front of you. Speak forgiveness to the person as if he/she were right there. I have found this envisioning can help our hearts to give forgiveness more genuinely.

You can say aloud something like this: (Name of the person) , I forgive you for (name what they said or did that left you feeling hurt.) . ” If you still feel angry or hurt, that is ok. Remember, healing is a process. *You could also journal your thoughts, feelings, and words of forgiveness.

3. Journal positive hopes.

Think about jotting down one to a few positive hopes for that person, like hoping they get the help they need to improve or that they’ll turn their life around. If it feels hard, take it easy on yourself. Though this can be tough to do, making it a goal to hope for the best for that person can help you progress. Having positive hopes for them can be a sign of victory for your own healing process.

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RELEASING THE WEIGHT OF UNFORGIVENESS.

by John Allison

I was bitter. Angry. The kind of anger that just doesn’t stop.

When Scowl was around, the verbal abuse never stopped.

And I hated him.

I had been bullied for years by a group of popular boys who starred in all the sports teams. To them, I was an easy target. I was smart and didn’t like basketball, football, or wrestling. My friends and I talked about comics, Pokémon, and video games. I endured bullying through middle school, which continued into early high school.

I hated him so much that I daydreamed in class about different ways he would die. Seeing him in the hallway or at lunch filled me with dread. I was afraid to talk to anyone because I thought it would only worsen things.

Instead, my defense mechanism became sarcasm: I decided that if Scowl and the others were going to bully me, I would use my words to cut them down. I learned how to say the things that hurt the most. I could find an insecurity and say just the right thing to cut a person to the core.

One boy in particular seemed to have it out for me—let’s call him Scowl. The bullying from Scowl was always the worst. He encouraged the other boys in their bullying.

He called me the worst names, mocked me the most, and pointed out everything he thought was weak in me.

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Unfortunately for everyone, I got good at it. I say, unfortunately, because it only made things worse.

“John? Is that you?” he asked when he came over to the table at the end of my meal. I told him that it was me.

In the summer before my junior year, my life changed.

I had an experience that caused me to begin following my faith seriously, and I began changing priorities in my life. Rather than doing whatever I felt like doing, I had a purpose in my life and wanted to change my heart and attitude.

“Hey, listen. I just wanted to apologize to you for all the terrible things I did to you when we were kids. I was a pretty messed up kid and really going through a lot, and I took it out on you. I’m sorry.” He told me he had found his purpose and reason to live and that he was a totally different person now.

Two different mentors began investing in my life and faith, and I began to transform. I was growing and getting help to heal the broken parts of myself that I didn’t even know I had. And in that growing, there was a big challenge for me that I never saw coming: forgive Scowl.

I was stunned. Could this really be happening? I quickly told him that others had helped me learn to forgive him a long time ago. In the rest of the short conversation, we celebrated how different our lives were now. Scowl had become Smile. He said goodbye, and I never saw him again.

No. There was no way. After all the things he had done to me over the years, it was not humanly possible.

There’s a popular quote that’s been attributed to everyone from Mother Teresa to Buddha that says, “Holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking a little poison every day, waiting for the other person to die.”

The next year and a half was an amazing time of transformation for me as I was changing from the inside.

And to my surprise, I began to forgive Scowl.

What I learned is that when we forgive others, they lose the power they have over our minds and hearts.

In my senior year, Scowl and I had different schedules, and the first time we crossed paths was in December. As we walked toward each other, I felt like I was supposed to smile. “Smile at Scowl.”

It’s almost never easy to forgive. It often takes the hard work of choosing to forgive every day, sometimes for years. But in the end, we realize that we’ve not only set that person free, but we’ve also set ourselves free.

Time slowed to a crawl. “No way! That’s weird. I’m not doing that. Forgiveness is one thing, but smiling at him?

That’s crazy.”

A few weeks after I saw my former bully at lunch, I got a notification: “Smile has requested to be your friend.”

I grinned in disbelief as I clicked, “Accept.”

I went back and forth internally until Scowl and I were almost passing each other. Finally, I decided to do it.

I smiled. He looked shocked and passed without saying anything. The next time I saw him was across the field at graduation—the end.

“It’s not an easy journey to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.” – Tyler Perry

Or so I thought.

About ten years later, I was eating lunch with a friend in my hometown. Scowl came into the restaurant. He didn’t recognize me (which was fine with me), and I realized I had no hard feelings toward him. I was surprised and thankful. I didn’t know another surprise was waiting for me.

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“It takes strength to be kind.”

YOU ARE NOT YOUR MISTAKE.

by Phyllis Unebasami

As a vice principal, while serving in multiple high schools, I often encountered what I called “repeat customers”— students who were repeatedly dis-invited from the classroom and sent to my office for consequences. Over time, as I got to know these individuals, I understood that their behavior made sense to them because of how they viewed the world and themselves.

getting to know, or even helping. Yet, that was what my heart yearned for, even as a young child. For so many reasons, the way I saw myself and the situations I was in made me feel like a character who was powerless to make changes.

As a vice principal, I came to realize that if children and youth don’t see themselves in a positive light, there is little hope for better behavior. Their probable future would not be their preferred future.

One day, while walking the campus with my mentor principal, we looked out at a throng of a hundred students. She turned to me and said, “You didn’t crave chocolate until you had a taste of it. They (gesturing at the groups of students) will not crave success until they’ve had a taste of it.”

How did I know this? And why did I care? Because I struggled with the same problem: a warped view of myself and the world. It took me a long time to realize that the view I had of myself was NOT who I truly am.

I’ve made a thousand-plus mistakes in my life. Yes, I am THAT old, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I grew up believing I was not worth listening to,

We all make mistakes. Some of us learn early how to learn from our mistakes and move on. For me, every mistake

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was a confirmation that I was ‘less than.’ It took time to understand that I was not a mistake.

humanity and dignity of another is wrong. You are so much more than the collection of your mistakes and the negative messages you've been given over time.

Guilt is natural when you’ve done something wrong.

When it motivates you to be better tomorrow, that’s normal and good. If a hurt in your life has given you the impression that you are a mistake, know that it is a lie.

When guilt lingers, layering upon previous guilt, and builds the conviction that you are a walking, breathing mistake, you’re making the biggest mistake of all by believing a lie.

Deep down, remember that we all make mistakes, but we are not mistakes. We are capable of generosity, love, compassion, and making a difference in other people's lives. While others may tell us who they think we are, it is our decision to choose who we are.

It takes strength to be kind. Be kind when others are not. Try even when others say it’s impossible. Advance good, even when you might not feel good enough.

Let’s also address victim blaming, which is closely tied to this issue. In today’s world, it’s all too common to hear things like, “Well, maybe they were asking for it.” “Why didn’t they speak up sooner?” “They should’ve known better.”

Let’s be people who choose empathy over assumptions, who speak up, not tear down, and who create safe spaces.

Choose who you want to be because you may not be able to choose your circumstances.

These are examples of victim blaming. When someone who has been hurt, harassed, or taken advantage of is blamed for what happened to them. Whether said online, in group chats, or even in jokes, victim blaming is harmful.

It takes courage to believe someone’s story and stand with them, especially when it’s uncomfortable. But that's exactly the kind of person the world needs more of.

These kinds of comments feel like a second wound for someone who's already hurting. They silence people, shame them, and make it harder to speak up or ask for help.

No one deserves to be abused, bullied, assaulted, or mistreated. Ever. It doesn’t matter what someone was wearing, how they acted, who they trusted, or where they were. The blame belongs to the person who made the choice to hurt, not the one who got hurt.

If you’re someone who’s experienced something painful, it’s not your fault. What happened to you does not define your worth. You are not broken. You are not alone. There are people who care, who will listen, and who will stand with you.

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking or saying something that sounds like victim blaming, this isn’t about shame but growth. Ask yourself: “Would I say this to someone I love?” Instead of judging, try listening. Instead of questioning, try supporting.

The truth is that we are all worthy of being forgiven.

In those situations when you know you messed up, be quick to forgive yourself as well and grow from every situation. Any words or actions that take away the

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FORGIVE YOURSELF On a scale of 1 to 10, how much are you a perfectionist?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much grace and forgiveness do you give yourself when you mess up?

Sometimes, we do things that we are ashamed of and still carry pain about them. Many of us know it is a good thing to forgive others, but did you know that it is a good thing to forgive yourself as well?

Sometimes, forgiving yourself is more difficult than forgiving someone else!

ACTIVITY If you struggle with forgiving yourself about something, try this: Go into your bedroom or bathroom, where there is a mirror you can look into. Have a private moment with yourself. Look deeply into your own eyes and say, “I forgive you.” Just be. This may be an easy task, or it can be an emotional task.

Either way, you are ok. Spend a moment taking in your own gentle forgiveness to yourself!

“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.”

“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.”

Suzanne Somers

Audrey Hepburn “Forgiving yourself, believing in yourself and choosing to love yourself are the best gifts one could receive.”

“Forgive yourself; you are not perfect.

Show yourself grace; you are still learning.

Show yourself patience; you are on a journey.”

Brittany Burgunder

Shannon Yvette Tanner

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TIP

THE POWER OF AN APOLOGY Why Saying "I'm Sorry" Matters We all mess up sometimes. Maybe you said something hurtful in the heat of the moment or let a friend down.

Whatever the situation, there’s one thing that can bring healing to a relationship and help rebuild trust—a sincere apology. Apologizing isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s one of the most powerful things you can do.

When you apologize, you take responsibility for your actions and show the other person that their feelings matter. A real apology has the power and potential to restore relationships, increase mutual respect, and even help you grow as a person. The best part? It is a sign of character and maturity to own up to your mistakes.

How to Apologize Like You Mean It 1. Be honest and take responsibility. Don’t make excuses or shift the blame. Own what you did.

Instead of saying, “I’m sorry you felt that way,” try, “I’m sorry for what I said—it was wrong.”

2. Ask for forgiveness, and be specific. Vague apologies don’t feel as genuine. Be clear about what you’re apologizing for. An example of a specific apology is: “I’m sorry for canceling last minute and leaving you hanging. Will you please forgive me?” This shows you understand the impact of your actions. It is important to ask for forgiveness as it allows the other person to respond, and you can have greater clarity whether they forgive you or not.

3. Express genuine regret. Show that you truly care. Apologies that sound forced or sarcastic won’t cut it. Let the person know you’re genuinely sorry.

4. Offer to make it right. Ask how you can fix the situation or prevent it from happening again. It shows you’re serious about change.

5. Give them time. Sometimes, people need time to process and heal. Be patient and respectful.

NOTE: If someone did not forgive you after you sincerely apologized, although it can be disappointing and painful in the moment, be assured that you did the right thing and did your part. You can begin to move forward with peace in your heart, knowing that you have tried your best to repair the situation—it takes both sides to restore a broken relationship. Maybe the other person needs more time to process the situation. Be patient. There may be a time in the future when things will be restored.

Apologizing isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it. A heartfelt “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?” can open the door to a fresh start and stronger relationships. Don’t underestimate its power!

If you need to apologize to someone for something you did or said, journal your apology below to help organize your thoughts while using the tips above. Consider asking for forgiveness from the person you wronged.

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Journal Letting go. Moments of pain from our past experiences can trigger and stir up feelings of shame and beliefs that can blur our perceptions. Part of the process of healing and being restored is forgiving.

“When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive.” – Nelson Mandela Reflect on the following questions and journal what you feel led to write about.

You can choose one or more prompts. ▶ ▶ ▶ ▶

What memories from the past trigger angry or painful feelings in you?

What do you wish you could tell the person who offended you about how you were hurt by them?

Who or what do you need to forgive?

Make a list of things you would like to ‘let go’ of.

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

mindful doodling Doodle something that expresses a take-away from this chapter.

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Chapter 1: Forgiveness

• • • •

ACTIVIT Y

Walk it out.

Why Forgiveness Sets You Free The Power of Forgiveness Releasing the Weight of Unforgiveness You Are Not Your Mistake

Consider choosing one or more action steps:

Doing a symbolic physical act can help us to release our tears, anger, unforgiveness, and pain. Note that it is easier to ‘let go’ of minor hurts and irritations, but forgiving deeper hurts is a process and can take time and commitment. Consider choosing one of the activities below to release forgiveness towards someone you are having difficulty forgiving:

1.

Go to a beach or lake and gather rocks along the shore. The rocks symbolize the pain and unforgiveness you are carrying. Throw the rocks one by one into the water as far as you can, symbolically releasing your burdens. Another option is to think of a creative idea to tangibly release your burdens and unforgiveness through writing a song, a spoken-word poem, or another artistic expression.

2.

Write a letter (it will NOT be given to them) to the person who hurt you, and be raw and real in expressing your anger and pain. End the letter by choosing to forgive them or expressing your desire to be free from unforgiveness. If you feel you are able, write a positive hope you have for that person who offended you. Rip the paper up into tiny pieces and throw it into the trash as an action of release.

3.

Make a list of things you want to ‘let go’ of.

Remember, forgiveness often begins with a choice rather than a feeling. Envision yourself releasing those heavy burdens, like releasing a bunch of helium-filled balloons into the sky. You can tear up or crumple the paper and throw it away, symbolizing your forgiveness or desire to forgive.

4.

If you are struggling with forgiving yourself for something, you can speak out these positive declarations to yourself to reinforce these beliefs. As you speak them, what can help you emotionally is to either put your two hands over your heart or put your right hand on your left upper arm and your left hand on your right upper arm (as if you are gently hugging yourself).

• • • • • • • • •

I am a good person.

I forgive myself.

I will not beat myself up any longer.

What happened is in the past, and I am moving on.

I am forgiven.

I am loved.

I did my best at the time.

I know better now, so I will do better going forward.

I let go of my past and step into my positive future.

The struggle is real, and so is hope.

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“If we can laugh, fine.

And if we’ve got to cry, we’ve got to cry.”

Charles Bukowski

Chapter 02

Grief DEALING WITH LOSSES IN LIFE

Sadness. Grief. Heartache. Despair. Sorrow.

Every single person has deep feelings that need to be expressed.

Many of us would rather avoid these feelings, yet we all have experienced losses to varying degrees.

People often try to numb their grief through various addictions and activities that distract them from feeling such painful emotions. However, avoiding working through grief leaves an unhealed wound in the heart that will affect life and relationships in unhealthy ways.

In this chapter, we will take a close-up look at this emotion called grief and gain keys to navigate those seasons of sadness in ways that heal and bring us into a place of great peace, rest, and joy.

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HEALING FROM THE HEARTACHE OF LOSSES.

by Sheryl Sarmento – Professional Counselor

I’ve faced a lot of tough losses in my life. My folks split when I was a baby, and I bounced around between houses, schools, and neighborhoods more times than I can remember. Each change felt like another loss, and it was overwhelming. I didn’t know how to handle all those emotions, so I turned to drugs, alcohol, and other ways to escape.

make it worse. Phrases like “They're in a better place” and “Don't be sad” might seem good, but they're not as helpful as we think.

What really works when someone is grieving is being there for them, listening without trying to fix everything, and letting them express their feelings. Allowing them to be sad and helping them find ways to heal is what makes a difference.

I eventually learned how to deal with my sadness and grief.

Many people do not know how to grieve or understand that grief is good.

Some common symptoms of grief

We all have losses in life:

▶ Heaviness in the chest or tightness in the throat. ▶ An ‘empty feeling’ or loss of appetite. ▶ Feeling guilt over something said or done, or something left unsaid or undone. ▶ Intense anger at the person for dying and later feelings of guilt for being angry. ▶ Mood changes over the slightest situations. ▶ Unexpected outbursts of anger or crying. ▶ Difficulty concentrating on a task at hand. ▶ A feeling that the loss isn’t real and didn’t happen at all. ▶ Sleeplessness, troubling dreams, or sleeping too much. ▶ A need to retell and remember things about their loved one to the point of repetition that burdens others. ▶ Feeling depressed. ▶ Suicidal thoughts.

Have you experienced any of these losses? Check off the ones in your life. ▶ loss of a pet. ▶ loss of a parent through death or divorce. ▶ loss of someone you were close to through death or a move in location. loss of a relationship or friendship. ▶ loss of hopes and dreams. ▶ loss of popularity on social media, and more.

All these losses cause sadness that affects us in one way or another.

When you lose something, you will feel this thing called grief.

Grief digs up deep sadness that can stick around in our hearts, minds, and even our bodies. That sadness has to go somewhere and often resides in our hearts, minds, and bodies.

We might try to avoid our grief by: ▶ Numbing our pain, e.g., taking drugs or drinking alcohol. ▶ Jumping into relationships too quickly before really getting to know the other person—or by rushing into serious or even unhealthy relationships. ▶ Overconsuming social media or inappropriate things online. ▶ Escaping into activities such as playing video games or scrolling through social media. ▶ Self-harm, e.g., cutting. ▶ Eating too much or too little ▶ Either withdrawing from people or becoming clingy.

Crying is a healthy way to process and release your sad emotions and can have many emotional and physical benefits.

When you are dealing with a loss, crying can actually help you to heal.

It is easy to be happy and excited with people who have something to be happy about, but have you ever tried to cry with someone who is crying and to be sad with someone who is sad?

That is exactly what we are supposed to do... cry with those who are sad and who need to cry. When someone is hurting, our first instinct is often to try and make them feel better. But you know what? Sometimes, our attempts to fix things can

Continuned

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Here is what you can do instead: 1.

Recognize and acknowledge your loss or losses. Take time and make time to grieve.

Interestingly, people have made time to grieve for several days in some cultures. For example, historically, in the Jewish culture, the average grief period was 30 days minimum. In today's world, 30 days may not be possible for you; do what you can to carve out times when you can really focus on grieving.

2.

If you are feeling down, talk to a close friend who can understand what you are going through. Sometimes, you just need someone to listen without trying to solve everything. If you go to church, you can ask for prayer.

3.

Journal about your loss and how it makes you feel. Be honest, and don't hold anything back. Grief often causes anger, especially if something unjust happened to cause the grief. Writing your feelings and thoughts down can help release some of that pain.

4.

If you like to express yourself creatively, draw or paint a picture, write a poem, write a song, do a craft, or create a dance to express yourself. The creative arts can help bring healing.

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5.

Look at pictures, make a collage, watch a movie, or do something that reminds you of your loss and helps you to cry to get those feelings out.

6.

Prepare yourself on birthdays, holidays, and whatever other days might bring back memories of your loss. Try to be with someone or do something to help you get through that day.

7.

You can ask for professional help and find a good counselor, mentor, or grief group to help you walk through the journey to wholeness.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power.

They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving

DECLARATION TO RELEASE TEARS

by Sheryl Sarmento I declare that tears are good because they help us to heal.

Tears are a gift and are not to be suppressed.

Shedding tears is not a weakness; it will even make me stronger when I release those tears.

I have nothing to be ashamed of when I cry alone or in a crowd of people.

Guys and girls alike need to cry.

Tears are one way that our body naturally releases our emotions and causes a cleansing feeling in the process.

In addition to shedding tears, I am open to whatever else I need to do to heal from the losses in my life.

35

“People don't always know what to say when I'm grieving.

Just be here for me, please.”

Sheryl Sarmento

JOURNAL 1.

Are you able to freely cry? Why or why not?

2.

Reflect on some of the losses you have experienced in the past. List some situations in your past that you feel you have not allowed yourself to fully grieve. Create space and time to reflect on those losses and journal your feelings. Remember, releasing your tears helps to release your grief and begin healing.

3.

List one or two people whom you know care about you and would be a safe person for you to share your feelings of loss with:

4.

If you have lost a loved one, think of a special day you can remember them by, and somehow commemorate their life. It could be doing one of their favorite fun activities, bringing flowers to their gravesite, listening to their favorite song, or looking at pictures of them with fond memories. If you want to, this could be an annual day where you think of them. What are some ideas you have?

5.

Greater joy and peace can be experienced once we have grieved our losses. In the space below, write one or a few words of character traits you appreciate about the person you lost, such as love, honesty, or generosity, and be inspired to take on those character traits in a greater way. In this way, you carry on their positive legacy. Feel free to doodle any images that come to mind.

37

GROWING THROUGH THE LOSSES.

by Rob Gross

38

When I was a sophomore, my dad died after having a heart attack. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces, and I plunged into a very dark and lonely place. Feeling abandoned and confused, I started to shoplift regularly (I was acting out) and eventually got busted and spent a day in jail and had to appear before a juvenile judge. The judge cautioned me not to steal anymore and released me into my mother’s custody.

moment of anguish, with tears streaming down my face, I screamed, “Why, Dad, why!? Why did you leave me?!”

I never realized how much my fear of being abandoned and those feelings of abandonment had rooted themselves deep within me. I put up walls to keep myself from getting too close to father figures because I was afraid they might leave me just like my dad did. This fear made me believe that father figures, like teachers or coaches, couldn’t be trusted.

On the way home, I unexpectedly experienced kindness from my mom when she gently said to me, “Why didn’t you ask me for the money to buy you what you stole?

I would have gladly bought it for you.” I was shocked that my mom showed me love and compassion instead of punishing me.

When we stuff feelings of anger, grief, and sadness down in our hearts and avoid working through them to heal, that wound stays in our hearts.

But here’s the awesome part—there is hope! The voice of truth spoke to me that I am not alone. The same goes for you, even if it feels like you’re on your own, just like I used to think. Take a proactive look around, and find those adults and friends you can count on. With the love from the people around me and my faith, I was able to heal up and let go of the pain I didn’t even realize I was hanging onto.

Even though I experienced her love, I was still deeply wounded because of my dad’s death. I was filled with so much rage and anger that I got into fights regularly and even threatened a doctor in a parking lot when he spoke disrespectfully to my mother, who mistakenly had parked in his stall. I also got suspended for raging at my Japanese language teacher and was nearly expelled.

One day, many years later, I realized I still held deep pain about losing my dad. A conversation with a friend suddenly triggered me, and a feeling of emotional pain rose up within my heart at that moment. Sometimes, that can happen to us—situations can trigger a big reaction in us due to unhealed issues in our lives. In that

If you are dealing with loss, don’t hesitate to reach out for help and tackle those tough feelings of grief, anger, and sadness. Let the love, support, and care from others be the fuel that helps you keep pushing forward, one day at a time!

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ACTIVITY 1 Through art expression, whether you consider yourself artistic or not, a person can experience a sense of calmness, peace, and comfort, especially when dealing with emotions such as anger, sadness, stress, or depression. Doing an art activity can help develop a sense of well-being and focus. Enjoy!

These art activities can help relax your mind.

In this first image, complete the picture by drawing lines in the same or similar pattern, adding more sections as you go. The drawing was started for you to complete and add to. Remember, there’s no pressure or expectation, just a simple and enjoyable activity to engage in.

Art by Angela Soh

This small graphic is a sample of what your finished art can look like. There is no right or wrong way, so take the freedom to make your own unique art.

ACTIVITY 2 In the next image below, complete the picture by coloring in the spaces in a pattern using black or another color. The drawing has been started for you to complete.

This small graphic is a sample of what your finished art can look like. Make your own unique art. You can use black or another color if you wish.

Art by Angela Soh

FROM THE VALLEY OF GRIEF TO COMPASSION AND EMPATHY.

by Jalee Palompo

I experienced every stage of grief—shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. I found myself angry at myself, at him. I wondered what I could’ve done differently, what I should’ve said when he was still here. And then, there is the sadness—deep, aching, constant. Acceptance, though, is a fluid concept. What does it mean to accept the loss of someone you loved deeply, someone you’ll never get back?

I’ll never forget the moment I received that phone call.

“He’s being rushed to the hospital now,” my aunt’s voice cracked through the phone, familiar yet shaken. At 14, the trauma to my cousin’s brain left him with little chance of survival. I began praying, desperately hoping for a miracle. But he never opened his eyes again.

The shock and suddenness of it felt as if I was dying, too.

It’s been five years since we lost him, and some days, it feels like the first day all over again. I’ve gone through counseling, kept journals, celebrated his life, looked through old books, and cried until I thought I had no more tears. But grief is unpredictable. Just when you think you’ve reached a point of acceptance, another layer of loss can appear.

I shared this grief with only a trusted few because I knew there was nothing anyone could say that would make me feel better. However, the depth of compassion and love from those who have been through similar pain was invaluable. I can see why connecting with family, friends, and faith communities is a source of comfort and healing

42

for so many. Sharing my grief with others allowed me to honor his life and find purpose in the life I continue to live on this side of heaven.

no rushing the grieving process. There is no set timeline or expectation that you should be “okay.” Grief takes as long as it takes.

If we grieve deeply, it means we have loved deeply. Grief reflects our capacity to love, and that love doesn’t end with a loss. If you grieve deeply, you are someone with a profound capacity for love that continues to shape your life, even after someone is gone.

Grief is like carrying a heavy rock. In the beginning, it feels impossible to carry, and we’re exhausted from trying to drag it everywhere. Over time, we gain tools and resources to help us manage the weight. We may even find moments where it feels a little lighter. The burden of grief doesn’t truly disappear, but we become more familiar with carrying it.

One of the most memorable moments in my grieving process was when I shared my pain with my therapist.

With tears in my eyes, I paused to collect my thoughts, and he said three words I will never forget: “Take your time.” Those words carried more meaning than I could have imagined. They meant I could take my time to express my thoughts, to cry without explanation, to feel my anger, guilt, and sadness without fear of judgment.

But most importantly, they reminded me that there is

This process takes time, and it’s important to give yourself—and others—the space to grieve without rushing through it. The best gift we can offer ourselves and those we care about is the patience to allow grief to unfold naturally. It's okay not to have it all figured out immediately. It’s okay to take your time.

If someone in your life is going through a loss, you can be there for them. When you’ve experienced grief yourself, you understand the pain in a way that can really comfort someone who’s hurting. Here are a few simple ways to show up for someone who’s hurting—whether they’ve lost a pet, a friend, a job, or anything that really mattered to them.

5 Ways to Be There for Someone Who's Grieving 4. Be Understanding About Emotions – If they want to cry, vent, or just sit in silence, let them.

If they don’t feel like talking yet, that’s okay too.

Show them it’s safe to open up when they’re ready.

1. Just Listen – Sometimes, people just need someone who will listen without cutting them off or judging them. Be that person. Give them space to share whatever they’re feeling, even if it’s messy or doesn’t make sense.

5. Remember the Person (If It’s a Loss) – If they lost someone, don’t be afraid to bring up that person. Share good memories or look at photos together if they’re comfortable with it. It can actually help them feel closer to the one they lost.

2. Do Something Kind Without Being Asked Help out where you can—offer to grab them food, help with homework, or even just hang out so they’re not alone. The little things you do will mean more than you think.

3. Let Them Feel What They Feel – It’s okay for them to be sad, mad, numb, or all of the above.

Don’t try to “fix” their feelings. Just remind them they’re not weird for feeling how they do.

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ACTIVIT Y

THE 5 STAGES OF GRIEF (And What They Actually Feel Like) You might’ve heard of the “five stages of grief.” They’re basically common reactions people go through after a loss—but here’s the thing: they don’t always happen in order, and not everyone experiences all of them. Still, they can help make sense of what someone might feel. Here’s the breakdown: 1. Denial: At first, it might not even feel real. You might be in shock or feel numb like you’re stuck in a dream. Some people keep going through the motions like nothing happened because it’s too hard to fully accept just yet.

2. Anger: Once it sinks in, anger can show up. You might be mad at the situation, someone else, yourself, or even the person who’s gone. It can feel frustrating and unfair, like, “Why did this happen?”

3. Bargaining: This is when you start thinking stuff like, “If only I had done this differently...” or “Maybe if I just do this, things will somehow go back to normal.” It’s a way of trying to take back control when everything feels upside down.

4. Depression: Sadness can hit hard. You might feel empty, hopeless, or like you don’t want to do much of anything. Feeling really down and disconnected is normal as you process what you’ve lost.

5. Acceptance: Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re “over it” or happy about it—it just means you’ve started to make peace with what happened. You begin finding ways to move forward while still carrying the memory of what or who you lost.

Journal about a time when you experienced a loss. Include your experience with the stages of grief that you went through.

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Express what grief looks like to you by sketching a picture below. It can be a realistic, symbolic, or even an abstract drawing.

mindful doodling 45

GRIEF AND SUFFERING TO GREAT PURPOSE.

by Chad Reis

“This is not fair,” I thought as I stared at the Instagram story. A friend had lost their battle with cancer. Dead.

Age 22. So much potential stolen too soon. I was their youth leader years ago when they were in middle school.

and relationally. It may not seem fair and could happen suddenly or for what feels like forever.

Suffering could range from a bad headache to a bad heartache.

From homework to hard work.

From the loss of a job to the loss of a friend or family member.

From anxiety and panic attacks to being bullied or physically attacked.

This led me to ask questions that you’ve probably asked: Why do bad things happen to good people?

Why do some have to suffer more than others?

I don’t have enough time or enough space to fully answer all of these questions in this article, but what I’m sure we agree on is that we all suffer.

Suffering exists and is a certainty in life for all of us due to unexpected circumstances.

Suffering and grieving losses are not something new to any of us, and nobody is exempt. We all suffer in different ways. We can suffer emotionally, mentally, physically,

If suffering is a certainty, instead of asking “why?” in a victim-minded way, let’s explore the purpose of suffering and some ways to walk through it.

46

With helpful perspectives and support from others, we can help transform our pain into purpose.

Now, let’s explore an important key I have found that helps to walk through a season of suffering:

Are you ready for the purpose of suffering? Here it is:

Suffering in community.

Suffering can be a tool for refining us in preparation for our future endeavors and victories.

Share with others. Don’t isolate. Suffer in community.

Many of us tend to isolate ourselves when we are suffering. We don’t want to seem weak; we don’t want to be a burden. We may think, “Everyone has their own problems. I don’t want to be a downer.” Such perspectives are half-truths, and most are full-on lies.

Let me be clear: sometimes, suffering comes from our own unwise choices, but we can leverage suffering to refine us, release our potential, build us up, and not break us down. Suffering can prepare us for successfully handling future challenges and making a positive difference in the world. Many times, painful situations we go through can give us profound insights and increase our compassion and understanding, which can help comfort and strengthen others in the future.

Suffering doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human.

Part of being human is that we need others to survive.

We need friends, we need community, and they need you, too! Walking with others through our suffering seasons can actually inspire them. When others encounter hard times, they will probably be more likely to confide in you because they know you will understand their pain.

Suffering produces something in us and through us that nothing else can.

Think of a glow stick. Remember those? I loved playing with them as a kid. The thing about glow sticks is that they don’t start out shining brightly. In fact, out of the package, they are pretty worthless, but they have tons of potential to produce light. What it takes to bring that light out is some breaking and some shaking. We could call that suffering. The more you break and shake a glow stick, the brighter the light becomes. Its assignment is fulfilled. The same is true with us. The purpose of suffering is not to break you down but to build you up.

Hellen Keller once said:

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

My hope for you is that, not if, but when, your next season of suffering comes, you will have a community of people surrounding you that you can suffer with, staying connected to trustworthy friends and family. I believe that it will produce something in your life that will not only strengthen you but can potentially change the world for the better.

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Journal Journal about a time in your life when you experienced some kind of loss. Maybe it was the loss of a loved one, a friend, a pet, a dream, a job—anything that caused you to feel sad and grieved. Share your healing journey. If you want to, you could instead write a poem about your experience.

mindful doodling 48

Chapter 2: Grief ACTIVIT Y

Walk it out.

• Healing From the Heartache of Losses • Growing Through the Losses • From the Valley of Grief to Compassion and Empathy • Grief and Suffering to Great Purpose

Consider choosing one or more action steps:

1.

If you realize you have not allowed yourself to grieve over a loss in your life, take 10-15 minutes alone each day for a week to think about your loss. During the 15 minutes, you could:

• Journal your feelings and thoughts.

• If you lost a loved one, look over old photos or old letters/emails, and recall fond memories you shared.

Allow yourself to cry.

• Write a poem or goodbye letter to the person or pet you lost.

• Listen to a song that touches your heart in a good way. Allow yourself to cry.

2.

Create something out of broken pieces, or repair or refurbish something. This symbolic activity can help you remember that the shattered pieces of your life can be transformed into something great that can be put back together in a new way. It is an activity that says YES TO HOPE! You are symbolically taking the anger, despair, and sadness you feel and transforming it into something beautiful and inspiring.

True story: There was once a business in Japan called The Nozomi Project, which was inspired in 2011 when a massive tsunami devastated coastal cities and villages in Japan. Entire villages were wiped out, and many lives were lost. One day, a woman from America

who was serving a village there saw all the broken pottery scattered in the wreckage. She was inspired by the idea of creating jewelry out of broken pottery pieces. Women in the village who had tragically lost their jobs, their homes, and their loved ones were hired and trained to make this jewelry, which ended up being marketed globally! This brought great hope and healing to the villagers.

3.

Did you know there is such a thing called ‘Garden Therapy’? To heal from a loss, you can plant a small garden, or grow a plant from a seed in a pot. When we plant a garden or grow a plant, it can symbolize new life sprouting forth in our lives after a time of sadness.

“The glory of gardening: hands in the dirt, head in the sun, heart with nature. To nurture a garden is to feed not just on the body, but the soul.”

Alfred Austin “When gardeners garden, it is not just plants that grow, but the gardeners themselves.”

Ken Druse “To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.”

Audrey Hepburn

The struggle is real, and so is hope.

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“If one lets fear or hate or anger take possession of the mind, they become self-forged chains.”

Helen Gahagan Douglas

Chapter 03

Unraveling Emotions NAVIGATING ANGER, FEAR, AND ANXIETY

Imagine being in the midst of a storm, with anger, fear, and anxiety swirling around you like relentless winds.

Sometimes, we can stuff these unpleasant emotions so deep within our own hearts that we can become unaware and out of touch with how we are really feeling.

We can turn to unhealthy activities and addictions to distract ourselves from dealing with such feelings.

However, when ignored and left unresolved, these emotions will continue to fester within us, affecting our decisions and relationships.

In this chapter, you will journey through the eye of the storm, learning helpful ways to manage these common emotions. You will gain stepping stones toward overcoming the negative power of anger, fear, and anxiety, which will then lead you to a more resilient, emotionally healthy, and fulfilling life.

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BREAKING FREE FROM ANGER Part 1

by Allen Cardines

“My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair.

So, let us be loving, hopeful, and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.” – Jack Layton

Offended. Rejected. Out of control. Angry. That was me.

My anger took on many forms. Many times, I would hide or mask my anger with things such as alcohol and drugs. But those things never helped me to heal the anger and pain that I carried around on the inside.

Sad to say, growing up as a boy and into my teen and young adult years, I never learned how to handle or control my emotions—especially when I couldn’t have my way. So, how did I deal with hard situations? I would blow up and flare up in anger. I was disrespectful and obnoxious and had such a bad attitude towards authority—especially my parents and others who got in my way. I was no fun to be around.

By the time high school came, I had become more physical in expressing my rage. I would often punch walls. One time, I even picked up a large piece of furniture and flung it at the window. By my teen years, I was in full-blown rebellion against my parents because I wanted MY way. I resorted to expressing rage as my weapon, and I started hurting the people I was supposed to love.

I observed various family members losing their temper, so exploding with anger was ‘normal’ to me. I rationalized that since those men and women in my family expressed unrestrained anger, it must be ok for me to express anger like they did. Those experiences shaped my belief system.

My anger even started to carry on into my workplace and my relationships from one person to another. I began to treat people as disposable diapers—easily disposing of relationships that didn’t meet my wants and moving on to the next. Through my teen and early young adult years, my life became littered with broken and hurt people because of my anger issues.

I really believed that being angry gave me power… but that was a lie.

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I was easily offended and easily felt rejected. The following is a list of real-life descriptions of myself as a teenager and young man. Can you relate to any of them?

He said, “Practice these three words.” He then wrote this on a napkin: Positive mental attitude.

I thought to myself, “Well, that can’t be that hard, right?”

But I was mistaken! Keeping a positive mental attitude was hard! Donald would challenge me again and again to grow in this way of thinking.

▶ I was lonely, afraid, and insecure. ▶ I believed that nobody cared about me and that I did not ‘belong.’ ▶ Deep down inside, I felt worthless and useless. ▶ I was fiercely independent and believed I did not need other people. ▶ I would easily withdraw myself from situations when I felt uncomfortable. ▶ I could not trust anyone. ▶ Because I figured people would end up hurting me, I would hurt them first before they could hurt me. ▶ Because of my anger, I was unable to overcome challenges and conflicts. ▶ I would uphold a false image of myself and pretend I was good on the outside, but inside…I was a MESS. ▶ I would hurt the very people who loved me. I would think, “If I can’t control you, I will punish you.”

This was the pivotal point in my journey when I began shifting my belief system and mindset to embrace a positive mental attitude. How did I do it? I will share with you some practical wisdom on how I achieved this in my next article.

Fast forward. Who am I now? What has changed in me?

I like me. I actually like myself now. Before, I did NOT like who I was. This was the biggest change I experienced. I now get along with myself, and I can control myself.

I now have a greater capacity to genuinely love others and forgive people when they hurt me. I am growing in having unconditional love for people.

Now anger is not a ‘bad’ emotion. As humans, we experience a range of emotions. Often, anger is a secondary emotion resulting from a primary emotion. You see, underneath all that anger in me lay hurt, hurt, and more hurt. I didn’t even realize the amount of pain I carried inside of me.

Having a positive mental attitude has affected my purpose and my passions. Today, if you want to partner with me on any project, you must have the goal to find positive, productive solutions to painful problems in life. People can often waste hours grumbling and gossiping about people instead of being part of the solution. Let’s instead be part of the answer to problems.

A turning point came for me in my early 20s when I was working in the construction industry. I met an older gentleman in my workplace, Donald Vincent, who was the nicest Hawaiian guy. He was always smiling, positive, joyful, and never cussed.

I was impressed by the way he carried himself. When I met him, I thought to myself, “I want to be like him.” Because you see, for me to be joyful and happy at that time, I would have to drink cans of beer, shots of tequila, and margaritas!

Donald became someone I looked up to, and he became the reason for the change in me.

I love to share about how to live aloha (the Hawaiian word for “love”), love aloha, and share aloha. It’s a powerful, transformational culture of aloha that I am working to build and that the world so needs.

As a result, the impact I have had on my family, my work, and my community has touched, inspired, and equipped people all over the world! I have had the honor and privilege of being invited to speak at global conferences where I have testified of the positive transformation of lives and my community through the work that I do.

Donald took me and some other young construction workers under his wing, so to speak, and became a father figure to us.

He expressed all the time that he believed in us. He believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.

If you struggle with anger, you are not alone. Though I don’t know you, I want to say that I believe in you. You have the courage and strength within you to overcome your struggles, especially with the support of others and the right resources, including counseling. Remember, it’s a process of growing and healing. If I can change, I know you can too.

I will never forget one conversation I had with Donald. We were getting lunch at a lunch wagon when he asked, “Allen, do you want to be successful in life?”

I answered, “Yes.”

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ACTIVIT Y

ANGER MANAGEMENT How do you handle your anger?

When we feel angry, it’s common to feel frustration, annoyance, or even extreme rage. These feelings can come from different things, like feeling hurt, being treated unfairly, not getting our way, or feeling unsafe. It’s important to recognize that anger is a normal human emotion.

Yet, it is helpful to learn how to manage our anger in healthy ways.

Unmanaged anger can cause various hindrances in our lives such as: • Relationship issues: Things we say and do in anger can hurt those around us.

• Our physical health: If we have regular angry bouts, health issues can begin to arise, such as heart problems or diabetes.

• Our mental and emotional health: Unmanaged anger can cause anxiety and stress in our lives, which can cause us to gravitate toward addictive behaviors (like drug and alcohol usage) to cope.

• Legal and financial problems: If we act aggressively or violently, we can run into hardships due to such outcomes as assaulting someone or damaging property.

Be Self Aware!

We each have unique triggers that cause us to be angry, even rageful. Being aware of your triggers is the first step to learning to cope with them and respond in healthier ways. Even though we can’t always control circumstances, we can learn skills to grow in self-control and handle things better.

Check off the triggers that cause you to be outraged immediately:

— Being misunderstood.

— Being treated unfairly.

— Feeling you are not being ‘heard.’

— Being disrespected.

— Someone is not respecting your property.

— Being lied to.

— Being ignored.

— Being corrected.

— Being criticized.

— Feeling hurt.

— Not getting your way.

— Feeling lonely.

— Feeling unsafe and being afraid.

— Feeling powerless.

— Feeling tired.

— Feeling hungry.

— Feeling threatened or attacked.

— Feeling betrayed.

— Feeling disappointed.

— Losing something valuable.

— Losing a game.

— Feeling jealous.

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— When your wrong choice

leads to a negative outcome.

— Experiencing a

personal failure.

— Feeling envious of someone.

— When an unexpected situation spoils your plan.

— Stressful situations like driving in bad traffic.

— Feeling depressed.

— Being rejected.

— Being talked over or interrupted.

How Do You Handle It? How do you currently handle your anger? Check all that applies and/or fill in the blank for ‘other.’

— I act out physically, like punching or throwing

— I give the silent treatment or ignore the person

— I imagine how I will get revenge on the person

— I cry or feel overwhelmed with emotions.

— I hold in my anger and let it build up over time.

— I distract myself by doing an activity such as

something.

who angered me.

— I swear.

— I yell and express my angry thoughts to the

who made me mad.

scrolling on my phone, binge-watching videos, or comfort eating.

person who angered me.

— I keep to myself and withdraw from the situation.

— I gossip about the person who I am angry with by

— Other:

venting to my friends instead of addressing the issue directly.

Journal: Reflect on a recent situation when you were angry. It can be helpful to know that anger is often a secondary emotion that hides a deeper emotion rooted in hurt, fear, or grief.

• What triggered that emotion?

• How did you handle the situation?

• What was the outcome?

• As you reflect, could you have responded differently in a more helpful way?

Have A Plan—Some First Steps!

The following are just some of the many calming actions you can do when you feel that eruption of anger beginning to rise within you. Once you calm down, you can respond more rationally. If you need help, seek counsel and support from a mentor or professional counselor.

Choose one to a few calming actions you can start practicing in your life starting this week. Check the top 2-3 that you want to start applying:

— Count backward from 100 by 5s.

— Take five deep breaths, slowly inhaling

—

— —

and exhaling.

Take a 5-10+ minute walk, run outside, or do some physical activity.

If possible, scream privately into a pillow.

If possible, punch a pillow, not a wall or mirror.

— Journal.

— Draw or paint.

— Verbalize your anger, confiding your frustration

with a safe friend who can understand, empathize, listen, and be there to process with.

Repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself like,

“Calm down” or “Relax.”

—

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BREAKING FREE FROM ANGER. Part 2: Wisdom to Live By

by Allen Cardines

“Turn your mess into a message.”

It took me several months to make progress in breaking my old habit of thinking negatively and instead developing a new habit of having a positive mental attitude—especially when I didn’t get my way.

This may shock you: although today, many would say I am one of the most joyful, positive people they know…I still get angry at times.

After reading my story in the previous article, I am sure many questions were stirred up within you, such as, “So Allen, how do you currently deal with your anger?”

Donald, my mentor, whom I mentioned in my story, also had me read Napoleon Hill’s “Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude,” which helped me with my anger issue. I encourage you to read this book or another on the topic to equip yourself.

Here are some initial steps that helped me overcome my anger: 1. I had to realize that I had a problem—my negative attitude.

2. I had to realize that the problem was NOT the people around me. I was the problem.

3. Whenever I started falling into negative thinking, I would catch myself and think positive thoughts instead.

I have learned that you can’t change overnight. Change is a process; you have to want it, work at it, and you can’t give up.

Another helpful book I recommend is Tongue Fu: How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict by Sam Horn. It taught me words to lose and new words to choose. Because of reading

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4. My goal in confrontations and messy situations is to look for the treasures in people, places, and problems, not the trash. In the past, I would look for the trash and be negative. If you look hard enough, you will find treasures in every problem. Look for a way to find positive, productive solutions to painful problems in life. This is a game-changer.

that book, I began to create some easy-to-remember positive quips to say out loud to help myself and others, such as: Bless, don’t blast.

Turn your test into a testimony.

Turn your mess into a message.

A setback is a setup for something greater.

We need hope to float and hope to cope.

Be a peacemaker, not a troublemaker.

5. Learn how to create healthy boundaries. A boundary is like a fence that keeps the bad stuff out and the good stuff in.

I have found that establishing healthy goals for myself was crucial in controlling my anger.

6. Grow in knowing your immense value. My anger stemmed from being hurt, so I had to learn the truth that my value and worth should not come from people or social media. In the past, I was getting my worth from what people thought of me. Some people will inevitably hurt and disappoint you—that’s life. But you can grow in personal confidence, believing you add value to this world.

Without having goals in life—especially if you struggle with anger—it's like setting out on a road trip without a destination.

You can drive fast and push forward, but without direction, you're just going in circles.

The following are some goals for you to consider adopting for yourself:

7. Surround yourself with eagles, not turkeys. In other words, surround yourself with positive people who can fly and soar with you to greater heights in life, not people who are negative and who think small. You can’t fly with the eagles if you surround yourself with turkeys.

Goals to help overcome your hurts, habits, and hangups and find hope, help, and healing: 1. The only person I can control is myself, so I practice self-control. I realized that if I cannot control myself, then I am out of control. I cannot control other people. I cannot control the world. Note: This is hard work!

2. Is my goal to protect relationships or hurt relationships?

My goal is to protect relationships. I aim to build, protect, and strengthen heart-to-heart connections and not create distance. I aim to build bridges and not blow up bridges or build walls. I have this same goal even with people I disagree with or dislike because I view every human being as valuable.

Because I learned how to protect and strengthen relationships, I have been happily married to my beautiful wife for so many years, and I know how to build relationships with people near and dear to my heart.

Over the years, I met amazing people who saw potential in me; they saw gifts in me that I had never seen in myself!

Be patient. I believe you will also meet such people who will encourage and inspire you. Put yourself in positive, empowering environments.

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.”

A Chinese Proverb

3. My top goal in communication is to listen respectfully and to understand the other person. Oftentimes, people get angry when disagreements occur in conversations. I will listen respectfully and seek to understand a person, whether the other person agrees with me or not.

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COURAGE IN THE FACE OF FEAR.

by Samuel Pyo

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

Fear is a powerful human emotion. When we let fear overwhelm us, it can express itself as anxiety, worry, and panic. However, when we do not allow fear to control us, we can use fear to motivate us to do the right thing and protect ourselves and others from danger.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

Nelson Mandela Pay attention to your self-talk.

Fear, at its worst, can prevent us from fulfilling our calling.

What are you telling yourself? What pictures are you envisioning in your mind? When in fear mode, we can start to imagine the worst.

“Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

In psychology, there is a term called a “self-fulfilling prophecy,” where the words you begin to use to describe yourself end up becoming true. When we speak poorly of ourselves, we become those very things. We must watch and guard what we say. It begins with our mindsets.

Choose your response.

There are various ways we can respond to fear. We can allow fear to paralyze us. We can flee and run away. We can fight.

Or we can choose to stand strong and face our fears.

Instead, we can plan practical action steps to address the situation. Then, take those action steps!

President Franklin D. Roosevelt said in his inaugural address, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” In other words, fear should not paralyze us. Instead, acknowledging and facing our fears can catalyze us to grow and change. We can channel our fears and anxieties into energy and strength that fuels our courage.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

Dale Carnegie

No matter who you are, don’t be afraid of what is ahead of you. What we know to be true is this. We cannot let fear have power over our lives.

Meditating on favorite quotes or helpful advice you have received can also help your mind to think more rationally. You want to begin to renew the thinking patterns in your mind.

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“Courage is the power of the mind to overcome fear.”

Martin Luther King Jr., Civil Rights Leader

Hey, I understand that sometimes the challenges we face may feel overwhelming. But we must still take a stand against fear. If we don’t, it’s like admitting defeat before the results are even posted.

Reframe your perspective.

Putting your energy into what you can control and staying determined helps you build real courage.

Military officers, first responders, and everyday heroes are often models of great courage in the face of fear. Commander Robert W. Copeland was a United States military officer in WWII. He once said, “This will be a fight against overwhelming odds from which survival cannot be expected. We will do what damage we can.” Sometimes, we need to look at those overwhelming odds and face all challenges head-on.

Neuroscience says the more we think about something, the bigger it gets. Acknowledge your fears and sense of feeling overwhelmed and ask yourself, “What’s another perspective? Are my assumptions really true? Could the challenges be reframed as opportunities? – Susan Sadler, Sadler Communications LLC

Similarly, Lieutenant Colonel Ruby Bradley, one of the most decorated women in U.S. military history, showed incredible bravery as a combat nurse and prisoner of war during WWII. Despite being held captive, she risked her life to smuggle medical supplies and care for her fellow prisoners. She later said, “I was always afraid. But you had to pretend you weren’t.”

Her courage reminds us that bravery isn’t the absence of fear—it’s choosing to act in spite of it.

We can struggle with all kinds of fears, from phobias of certain bugs to fear of being abandoned to fear of failure—and the list goes on. We can even fear being judged publicly when in front of a crowd!

When I was in college, there was an opportunity to participate in a class called “Hip-Hop Theater.” Being a “hip-hop head,” I joined the class. One thing, though, that I knew would be a problem was that I was deathly afraid of public speaking and performing.

Once the performances began, I observed others approach the stage to do their performances. I observed some dancers danced with the confidence of a lifelong theater professional while some danced with the nerves of a child walking into the dentist’s office after a long Halloween night of binging on candy.

See yourself differently.

How do you see yourself? Sometimes, our beliefs about ourselves can hinder our ability to overcome fears in our lives.

“You are braver than you believe. You are stronger than you seem. And smarter than you think.” – A.A. Milne Reflect on past victories you had over fear. This will help you to realize that you can do hard things and overcome your fears.

Recall times when you had to push forward into the unknown future despite fears and resistance. Believe in the good things about yourself. Believe in the power that you have within you. We will begin to self-fulfill those beliefs about ourselves.

When the time came for me to perform solo in front of friends and family, I really wanted to hide and freeze! However, I quickly realized that all the performers probably had struggled with some level of fear. I decided that no matter what happened that night, I could embrace the attitude that my dance could be something amazing and wonderful, or I could expect it to be a completely humiliating failure!

I believe you have done things in your past that displayed courage—even if it meant pulling yourself out of bed to face another day in a challenging season. But there is so much more to life than merely surviving.

So, I stepped up and entered the stage area. I began to perform my rap with the confidence of Rakim or Eminem. I moved and swayed the crowd with my smooth flow. People began to cheer, and eventually, it became an uproar… or at least that is how I remember it in my mind.

It probably wasn’t the greatest performance, but it was one experience when I mustered up the courage to not let fear hold me back.

Overcoming your fears will enable you to thrive and experience a rich, adventure-filled life! This is my great hope for you. See yourself as a brave, courageous person.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

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ACTIVIT Y

OVERCOMING FEAR. Fear is no fun. There are situations we encounter when it’s normal and good to experience fear because it serves to protect us. Often, however, we may experience fear due to an unrealistic or imagined threat.

When you are afraid, which of the three following responses do you usually have? ​​ example, o FIGHT: One reaction to fear may be to fight—to become angry, aggressive, and controlling. For if a teen is reminded to do a chore, they might snap or get defensive because deep down, they’re afraid of getting in trouble.

o FLEE: Another reaction may be to flee – to withdraw and hide, like walking away from social situations because of the fear of rejection or avoiding something new because of the fear of failure.

o FREEZE: A person could also freeze due to fear – like forgetting the words to a song in a singing performance or being unable to recall what was studied during a test

Fear vs. Reality

Courageous Me

Anxiety is a more prolonged and continual state of fear, like worrying about something that might happen. The thing is, though, worrying doesn’t change the outcome of a situation we cannot do anything about.

Think of a time when you faced a fear and overcame it.

How did you feel afterward? What can you learn from that experience?

List three things you are anxious about right now. Then, next to each, write what is actually true. Are your fears based on facts or assumptions?

1.

2.

3.

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A Letter to Fear Let’s get creative and write a letter to your fear as if it were a person. What would you say to it? Would you challenge it, comfort it, or tell it to leave?

Dear Fear,

Action Step!

Choose one action step below that you would like to apply to your life starting this week when you feel anxious:

o A THOUGHT IS JUST A THOUGHT: When you feel anxiety, take note of what you are thinking and say to yourself, “That thought is just a thought.” Just because a thought enters your mind doesn’t mean it’s true.

o MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS: When things don’t go as planned, it’s easy to feel anxious. Rigid

thinking happens when you insist something has to be a certain way, even if you can’t control it. Instead, try telling yourself, “I want this to happen, but I accept what I can and can’t control.”

o PAY ATTENTION TO HOW YOU ARE INTERPRETING A SITUATION. We often think the way we see a

situation is 100% right, but sometimes we’re wrong. For example, John texts his new friend Dave to see if he wants to hang out. An hour passes with no reply, and John thinks, “Wow, he’s totally ignoring me.” But then, Dave finally texts back: “Hey! Just got back from a run. I’d love to hang out! What time?” Turns out that John assumed the worst for no reason!

o GROW IN HAVING A POSITIVE BELIEF ABOUT YOURSELF. A powerful factor that can affect your level of anxiety is a negative belief about yourself.

Two friends who are learning guitar go to a concert and watch an expert guitarist crush an insane solo. One thinks, “Wow! If I keep practicing, maybe one day I’ll be able to play like that.” The other thinks, “I’m terrible.

I’ll never be that good. My playing is embarrassing.” Same experience, totally different mindset!

If you have a negative core belief about yourself, like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not important,” you will more likely struggle with automatic negative thoughts.

You can face your fears! A lot of fear comes from your imagination, and it loses power when you realize you're actually not in danger. When you face what scares you, you’ll probably see it’s not as bad as it seemed. Build your confidence by telling yourself, “I’m not powerless. I got this!”

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TALK TO YOU A poem by Cameron Goya Lynde Talk to you.

Be your own gentle older brother.

Watch out for yourself.

And when you complain or when you’re in pain or when things aren’t plain.

Speak to yourself with understanding and patience.

Love yourself.

Give yourself what is best for you when you want to and when you don’t.

ACTIVITY Part of loving and being patient with yourself is being self-aware of what you are thinking and feeling. Do the following activity. Revisit these questions regularly to be aware of your thought life.

Journal a few positive messages you can tell yourself. You can also include quotes that resonate with you and can help you to grow, encourage, and strengthen yourself.

Reflect on the following questions and rate yourself from 1 to 10 (1 being poor, 10 being excellent) on your emotional health in the areas of your mind, will, and emotions: Mind: How has your thought life been about yourself, others, and your circumstances? Do you tend to have positive and hopeful thoughts, or do you find yourself stewing in fear or negative and cynical thoughts?

Will: How have you been managing the virtue of self-control?

Are you a pushover who has few boundaries and can’t say no? Are you a control freak? Have you been making good and wise choices?

Emotions: Do you find yourself on an emotional roller coaster?

Are you stuffing your emotions? Do you feel peaceful and content overall? Are you even aware of your emotions, or do you avoid ‘going there?’

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“Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging.” – Brené Brown

Ever feel a mental mess of anxiety overcome you?

Entire books have been written on how to manage and overcome fear and anxiety, so we are just scratching the surface here!

MANAGING ANXIOUS THOUGHTS: Unraveling Our Mental Mess

by Michele Okimura

We can attempt to avoid feeling stressed by distracting ourselves through unhealthy means such as binge eating, gaming, going shopping to feel the thrill of buying stuff, using drugs, self-harming, or binge-watching shows! While these activities might offer a temporary relief, they won’t help us in the long run.

Some good things can come out of feelings of anxiety.

Anxiety can: ▶ motivate us to accomplish our goals and creatively problem-solve. ▶ give us clues to any unhealthy thinking patterns that need adjustments. ▶ be a warning signal that we are in danger, moving us to take positive action.

When you are feeling anxious, ask yourself, “Why am I feeling anxious?”

Reflecting on why you are feeling stressed can help uncover the internal dialogue you are having—a dialogue that you may not even be aware of!

What if what you are thinking is not true?

“Breathe darling. This is just a chapter. It’s not your whole story.”

S.C. Lourie

Our thoughts directly affect our emotions. Faulty, distorted thinking happens when we believe something to be true that is false or could very well be false. Faulty thinking causes a huge ball of mental mess! It can fill us with hopelessness, paralyze us with fear or guilt, and trap us in unnecessary pain! It is dangerous because it affects your relationships and limits your potential.

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All-or-nothing thinking:

Yet, there is so much hope for a positive future!

Adopt a positive perspective and believe in the best.

‘All or nothing’ thinking exaggerates things to be much bigger than they are. Could you be assuming the worstcase scenario? Is your imagination going a bit wild? Are you thinking too black and white? Maybe you got a C on your report card, so you feel like a failure. Or someone offended you, so you think they are a horrible person.

This is extreme thinking.

Do you suffer from severe fear and anxiety?

If you are experiencing fear and anxiety that is negatively affecting your daily functioning, seek professional help!

Your reactions could be rooted in a traumatic experience that needs healing. Trauma affects people in different ways—some withdraw, some lash out, and others may struggle with overwhelming emotions. Whatever your experience, healing is possible. Having a professional counselor who gives you the tools to manage your stress and walk you to victory can be extremely helpful.

If we use words like *always, *never, *all, *everybody in our statements, we are probably having a faulty thought.

You take things personally: Do you take offense at something a person said or did before you have all the information? Could you be jumping too quickly to a negative conclusion? Could you be misinterpreting the situation?

Constant, intense, fearful, and anxious thoughts have a toxic effect on our physical bodies. Chronic fear and anxiety weaken our immune system. Therefore, it becomes very important to learn how to manage those emotions. If you suffer from any of the symptoms below, seek support from the resources in your community:

Maybe someone didn’t return your text, so you think they must be avoiding you. Perhaps they were sick in bed all day or had to tend to an important situation. Maybe someone you know didn’t greet you as you passed by, so you now think they must dislike you. Perhaps they did not notice you because they were deep in thought or depressed.

▶ Difficulty concentrating. ▶ Constant irritability or emotional outbursts. ▶ Spending more time isolated and alone. ▶ Physical problems such as headaches or digestive issues. ▶ Difficulty sleeping or often having nightmares. ▶ Constantly feeling overwhelmed. ▶ Panic attacks (rapid heartbeat, difficulty breathing).

Believing the positive before assuming the worst can be helpful. And...stop mind reading. Don’t assume you know someone’s intention without checking with them!

Communication is so fragile that we can easily misinterpret something—and sometimes even hear something that was not said! Checking your understanding with the person can be enlightening and helpful.

Hopeless thinking: This line of thinking affects our outlook for the future.

Hopeless thinking has a cynical and negative ring to it and can often include the words “never” and “always.”

Examples of hopeless thinking are: ▶ I’ll never be happy at this school. ▶ My family will always be messed up. ▶ I’ll never find a trustworthy friend.

Life can be messy, and working on our mental mess is an ongoing process! Believe the best of people and circumstances before assuming the worst.

“Sometimes, the best thing you can do is not think, wonder, imagine, or obsess. Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.” – Unknown “Stress is self-created, I decided to stop manufacturing it. We can choose an internal calm and joy even amid the chaos.”

Brendon Burchard

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JOURNAL: Journaling about your fears and anxiety can help you to see things from a different perspective. You might discover reasons or roots for your fears that you never realized before. ▶ What is your greatest fear? Share details. ▶ Is your fear rooted in a past experience? If so, what was that experience? ▶ How has this fear held you back in life? ▶ What is at least one goal you can set to overcome this fear? Getting help from a counselor or trusted mentor can also help and support you in your journey toward overcoming your fears.

When you are facing a scary situation or find yourself overwhelmed with anxiety, pause.

When the winds of life roar against you and the negative “what ifs” torment your mind, pause.

When it feels like you are drowning in fear, pause.

DEEPER AND DEEPER STILL

Perhaps this is an opportunity to get your bearings. Plant your feet and dig your toes more solidly into the soil of hope and grow your roots deeper.

Grow Deep Roots

Yes, it is true you may bend in the storm, and some branches may even fall off, but you can arise stronger if you hold onto hope.

Will you use such moments to allow your roots of fortitude to grow deeper, and deeper still?

Yes! You can!

Believe you will!

Like a tree, allow the storms to anchor you with deeper roots.

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Journal Write about your main takeaway from this chapter. What is something you learned about yourself?

What is something you want to grow in?

I am growing in peace and joy Mindful Lettering: Trace the lettering. It does not have to be perfect. You may rewrite the phrase a number of times on the page. Enjoy the process of mindful lettering.

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Chapter 3: Unraveling Emotions ACTIVIT Y

Walk it out.

• • • •

Breaking Free From Anger Part 1 Breaking Free From Anger Part 2 Courage in the Face of Fear Managing Anxious Thoughts

Consider choosing one or more action steps:

1.

Review the following anger management practices.

Start with choosing one of them to practice when you are feeling angry. Forming a new habit can take time, so start with practicing one habit. Once you find yourself naturally applying that one tip, then add another practice to your life.

• Pause and take several deep, slow breaths by breathing in through your nose and exhaling slowly through your mouth. Be mindful to relax your muscles.

• Visualize yourself calm and restful in a peaceful place, taking time to calm yourself so you can think clearly and rationally.

• Exercise. Take a break to do some type of exercise to cool down like a brisk walk. This will give you time to think clearly and not react in anger which can cause you to say or do things that you could later regret.

• Change your thinking. Begin by asking yourself if you are jumping to a conclusion, assuming something without checking the facts, or having extreme thoughts that may be untrue. Meditate on another possible positive perspective on the situation before reacting in anger.

2.

Pick a favorite quote addressing fear and worry then: • Name the fear you have.

• Read the quote aloud and memorize it.

• Think of creative ways to face your fears with courage.

• Take a positive little step to face your fears.

• Consider asking for help from a trusted friend or mentor.

3.

Brainstorm and make a list of all your fears. If you fear rejection, failure, or success, please include them in your list. Interestingly, many people fear public speaking, bugs/snakes (scary animals), and heights.

Next, organize and rank them in order from smallest fears to greatest fears.

Choose the least scariest fear you listed to work on first. You can ask for help from a trusted friend or mentor. A professional counselor can help with deep, paralyzing fears.

Make sure to celebrate any progress you make!

The struggle is real, and so is hope.

Text 494949 to chat now | FREE Mental Health Chat Center | 24/7 for those over 13 years old.

1-888-373-7888 | Toll-Free Hotline | 24/7 67 | Confidential | Get Help. Report Trafficking.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.”

Winston Churchill

Chapter 04

Perseverance STAY THE COURSE

Imagine running a marathon. The finish line is far off, your legs ache, and every step feels impossible.

Yet, with every stride, you hold onto a never-giveup mindset. As a result, you find yourself getting closer to your goal. This is what it means to stay the course and persevere.

to remarkable transformation and success. Life's challenges can be overwhelming, but with hope, commitment, vision, and the support of others, you can turn obstacles into opportunities for growth and success.

Journey onwards toward conquering the hills and mountains that stand in your way!

This chapter is filled with practical wisdom and inspiring stories, showing how perseverance leads

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OVERCOMING STRUGGLES WITH PURPOSE, PASSION, AND GRIT.

by Tony Kim

“if you don’t quit, you win.”

“I want to be a failure when I grow up” never comes from a child’s mouth. Why? Because we are born for greatness. So, what is the difference between those who are “successful” and living a great life versus those who are not? Let’s talk about this.

Dr. Angela Duckworth defines GRIT as “perseverance and passion for long-term goals.” I would like to add a third element to this: “purpose.” So, GRIT is when you have perseverance, passion, and purpose.

Let me tell you a story…

Some people think being born rich means you’re more likely to succeed, but that’s not always true. Success isn’t about what you start with; it’s about the choices you make every day. The people who win are the ones who keep going, no matter what. So don’t quit. You’re not a quitter—you’re a finisher. That’s real success.

There was once a young man in Northern California who grew up in a broken home full of chaos—violence, addiction, and deep poverty. Sometimes, he even had to dig through dumpsters just to find a meal.

By the time he was 12, he was already caught up in gang life, running the streets, and was filled with anger. He felt abandoned, out of control, and totally lost. His family members had given up on him, thinking he’d never change.

In order to live this life, you need to have “GRIT.” What is grit? It is the inner strength and mental toughness that helps you push through challenges, stay focused on your goals, and not give up—even when you're tired, frustrated, or feel like quitting. Grit means being consistent—showing up, doing the work, and giving your best effort, especially when it’s uncomfortable or takes time.

At one point, this guy felt so hopeless that he thought about ending his own life. He didn’t see a way out. He thought his story was over.

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But guess what? It wasn’t. Big plot twist.

2. Passion: “What Fuels You Forward”

That same guy ended up turning his life around in a huge way. In July 2022, he was honored with the prestigious Presidential Lifetime Achievement Award, and just a few months later, he received an Honorary Doctorate from Wagner University.

Passion pushes us to reach our goals.

Passion does not mean being fired up emotionally, although it includes emotions. Passion says, “I am willing to endure hardships and suffer for what I want to achieve.”

From rock bottom to being recognized by the nation, his story proves that no matter how far you’ve fallen, it’s never too late for a comeback.

Bethany Hamilton lost her arm as a teenager to a shark while surfing. Her passion for surfing drove her to learn to surf and swim with one arm. She later returned as a professional surfer.

I know this young man I’m telling you about.

As a sophomore in high school, Michael Jordan did not make it on the varsity team despite trying out. He didn’t let that disappointment stop him from pursuing his passion. He went on to become one of the greatest basketball players of all time.

In fact, that young man was me!

Everything changed for me when I figured out three game-changing keys to really living. Here they are: 1. Purpose: “The Why for Your Life”

3. Perseverance: “Commitment Over Comfort” Reflecting on your purpose will give you the strength to persevere.

Perseverance says, “I have a purpose I am passionate about. No matter the struggles, I’m willing.” Perseverance involves making sacrifices today in order to achieve success tomorrow.

Purpose is like your anchor. It keeps you grounded in who you are, even when life gets messy or tough. Your purpose isn’t defined by your past, your family, or the people you hang out with. It comes from something deeper—from discovering that your life has meaning.

At 15, Malala Yousafzai was shot in the head by the Taliban for speaking out about girls' education. She not only survived but also became a global voice for human rights and the youngest Nobel Peace Prize winner in history.

You were created on purpose, for a purpose. Even if you don’t fully believe that yet, you will, especially when you learn to stay true to yourself.

Born without arms or legs, Nick Vujicic persevered through bullying, depression, and deep questions about his purpose. But he didn’t let that stop him. Today, he speaks globally about overcoming challenges, choosing joy, and finding purpose.

How do you do that? Living with purpose means you don’t let peer pressure, social media, or outside opinions pull you away from your values. You stay real, even when no one’s around to see it. It’s about being consistent, being the same “you” no matter where you are or who you’re with.

Some final thoughts: I encourage you to surround yourself with people who uplift and support you—it’s okay to distance yourself from those who don’t. Your environment plays a huge role in your success. Find a mentor. Behind every successful person is a mentor/ coach.

When you know your purpose, you start creating your own path, even if others don’t get it or think it’s not “cool.” You’re not here to impress everyone—you’re here to become the best version of you.

Remember, if you don’t quit, you win! If I can persevere, so can you! Stay focused and keep going. I’m cheering you on!

So ask yourself, who do I want to be? Building a vision for your life starts by getting clear on what you care about and what kind of impact you want to make.

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“The advanced level is mastery of the basics.”

Ray Mancini, Martial Arts Master and Boxer

PERSEVERANCE AND THE POWER OF PRACTICE.

by Damon Gohata

“GOHATA! GO IN!” I excitedly jumped off the bench. We were trailing by two points with merely six seconds left on the clock.

It’d be epic to say that I was the star player and my coach trusted me to score and win the game. But the sad reality was that I usually only warmed the bench.

During basketball practice, I shot thousands of free throws. When I missed, Coach made me run sprints.

Sometimes, even if I successfully got the ball into the hoop, if it wasn’t a perfect “swish,” he still had me sprint.

I could’ve just jogged like the others, but I knew Coach had a plan. So, I pushed myself as hard as I could. He wanted me to be confident I could nail those free throws, even under insane pressure.

Halfway to the scorer’s table, I heard, “Actually, sit down.

Cooper, go in.” I then watched the final six seconds play out. Cooper, who got in instead of me, sank the winning three-pointer!

Then another game came up. I heard it again, “Gohata go in!”

And to top it off, my coach turned to me and asked, “Could you have made that shot?” My instant response was, “I don’t know.”

This was the big one—the game that might decide the league championship. It was seriously intense, and emotions ran high.

I didn’t get it back then, but Coach wasn’t out to make me feel bad. He saw something I didn’t. I WASN’T ready. Sure, I dreamt of making that winning shot and basking in the glory, but the truth was, I wasn’t totally confident I could pull it off. Even if I’d been on the court, I’d probably have missed, or more likely, not even taken the shot.

In the middle of the fourth quarter, we were trailing by fifteen points. When I got the call to jump in, we’d already started to bounce back with just eight points down and two minutes left. But then, after a controversial offensive foul, we lost our star player for the rest of the game.

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Then it happened. Wait! What’s going on? Coach signaled me to go onto the court at this pivotal moment. Was Coach giving up the game by sending me in, or did he know something I didn’t?

Ever watched the classic original movie Karate Kid? There is a scene where the karate teacher, Mr. Miyagi, instructs his teenage student, Daniel, to wax his car and paint his fences using specific moves. He describes the hand motions needed to ‘wax on’ and ‘wax off’ while doing these chores. Daniel couldn’t understand why he had to do this stuff just to learn karate moves. Despite grumbling about it, he followed the instructions.

We were down by just two points with ten seconds to go, and we had possession. A teammate took a three-pointer that could’ve put us ahead, but it rebounded hard off the rim into the backcourt. I was nearest to the ball, so I hurried to grab it, aware that time was running out. In the chaos of getting the ball, an opponent grabbed me, and the ref called a foul. If I could nail two free throws, we could tie the game.

The other team’s band banged their drums. It sounded like thunder in the gym. In my head, I kept hearing the words “just like practice” on repeat.

With time, doing these tasks helped Daniel build muscle memory in his arms and hands. When it came to making karate moves, those arm and hand actions he’d practiced became powerful defensive moves in a competition, helping him win! Those moves became automatic reflexes when he needed them. You can probably see clips of this scene on YouTube under “Karate Kid, wax on, wax off” or watch the movie!

This time, I was confident and knew that if I shot the ball just like I did during practice, I could nail it—three dribbles and then the shot. The ball bounced several times off of the rim…then, finally, the ball fell through the net!

If you’ve ever seen Akeelah and the Bee, you’ll notice that Akeelah, a young spelling champion, had to practice words repeatedly before they became second nature.

Like Daniel in The Karate Kid, her practice turned into automatic mastery!

Then, I prepared for my second shot. Three dribbles.

Then the shot. The same result!

The lesson here is that sticking with practice, even when you feel like giving up would be easier, is totally worth it!

We headed into overtime, and we won the game! Right after the buzzer went off to end the game, my teammates hoisted me up on their shoulders, parading me around the gym as we celebrated our incredible comeback victory.

Becoming a master at anything in life involves practicing, repetition, and doing the basics over and over, whether it’s mastering a physical skill or building mental strength and positive mindsets to help you achieve your goals and dreams. In the process, watch your confidence grow!

WHOA! It was an incredible moment, but victory on the court would never have come without the hard work and struggle of practice.

“Practice puts brains in your muscles.”

Sam Snead, Professional Golfer

Practice. Practice. Practice. In psychology, they say doing something over and over is a killer way to learn or remember stuff. Think about it: practicing is key to getting better at any sport or just life in general. Practice helps us to form new habits. Practice can help make actions so automatic that muscle memory kicks in without us needing to think about it. Practice enables us to master a skill, change a mindset, and promote success!

Becoming a master at anything in life involves practicing, repetition, and doing the basics over and over, whether it’s mastering a physical skill or building mental strength and positive mindsets to help you achieve your goals and dreams. In the process, watch your confidence grow!

“As much time as you put into it, that’s what your achievements are going to be when you come out of it.” Mary Lou Retton, American Retired Gymnast

Just like in basketball, dancers repeat movements thousands of times to perfect their routines, and musicians practice scales endlessly to build muscle memory. No matter the skill—whether on the court, the stage, or in the studio—practice is key to growth and success.

“You become a master in what you repeatedly do in consistency. Mastery is not born; it is acquired. It is not blood-linked; it is skill-learnt!” – Israelmore Ayivor, Youth Leadership Coach

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PERSEVERING THROUGH FRIENDSHIP CHANGES.

by Phyllis Unebasami

Why Relationships Shift

friends over you. Or maybe you had a disagreement that blew up into something bigger. Friend drama can feel like a huge deal because friendships are some of the most important relationships in your life.

Friendships and relationships are important, but they don’t always stay the same. As you grow, some friendships may get stronger while others fade. These changes are natural and happen for good reasons, like growing apart or discovering new interests. They can be painful at times, especially when misunderstandings or hurt feelings happen, causing a stormy sea of painful emotions within us. Sometimes, you might even feel like you are drowning, and feel tempted to give up.

How to Persevere: Communicate openly. If the friendship is important to you, talk about the issue with your friend instead of assuming the worst. Talk to your friend directly rather than talking to others in your friendship group. Many problems come from misunderstandings. It is ideal to speak with your friend when you are as emotionally calm. Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.

Understanding how relationships shift can help you navigate those changes and maintain healthy connections with the people who matter most. After all, the friendships you build play a big role in your happiness and growth.

Restoring a relationship takes two people (both sides) who are willing to grow and understand each other. Remember, you cannot control other people’s responses, but you can control how you respond.

The key is learning how to persevere through struggles in a healthy way. Any relationships can teach you valuable lessons about communication, resilience, forgiveness, and courage.

When facing challenges in a friendship, instead of ignoring the problems, you have the opportunity to grow in understanding, develop better communication skills, and learn when it is necessary to walk away from harmful relationships.

“Accept the things you cannot change, have the courage to change the things you can, and have the wisdom to know the difference.” – Reinhold Niebuhr

Let’s take a brief look at four common relationship struggles and how to navigate them without losing yourself in the process.

Accept that friendships change. Although it is sad and even painful in the moment, not all friendships last forever, and that’s okay. If someone is treating you poorly, it may be time to move on.

1. Friendship Dramas

2. Feeling Left Out or Rejected

Going through friendship struggles can be draining, stressful, and heartbreaking. Maybe a close friend has suddenly started ignoring you, talking behind your back, or choosing new

Have you ever felt ignored or ‘invisible’ in a group? Or maybe you weren’t invited to something that all your friends went to. Maybe you really like someone, but they don’t feel the

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same way. Or maybe you had a relationship ‘break up.’ Feeling rejected can make you question your worth.

Know when to walk away. Sometimes, not all friendships are healthy, and it’s important to know when to walk away. If someone is being hurtful, disrespectful, or abusive, it’s okay to distance yourself from them. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. It’s tough, but recognizing when a friendship is doing more harm than good is key to protecting your well-being. If you're unsure, talk to someone you trust, like a mentor or a family member, for advice.

How to Persevere: Remember that rejection isn’t a reflection of your worth. Other people’s choices don’t define your worth.

You’ll realize that just because someone doesn’t choose you, it doesn’t make you any less valuable or important. When you’re secure in yourself, you know your worth, and that makes it easier to move on from rejection without letting it hurt your self-esteem.

4. Misunderstandings and Communication Struggles You meant one thing, but someone took it the wrong way. Or maybe you assumed something about someone else, and now there’s tension. Miscommunication happens all the time, and it can quickly turn minor issues into big conflicts.

Surround yourself with those who appreciate you. Instead of dwelling on who doesn’t include you, look for the ones who do. Shift your energy toward finding the people who do value your company AND you find enjoyable being with.

Sometimes, the best friendships come when you least expect them and in places you didn’t think to look. Use your passions to start to find meaningful connections. You can put effort into exploring your options, such as joining a club or group to make new friends. Keep your heart open, and you may be surprised at the friendships you build!

How to Persevere: Ask before assuming. If you think someone is upset with you, don’t just guess—ask them directly.

Don’t gossip. Hearing that someone is mad at you through the grapevine is hurtful. Talking about someone rather than to them often makes things worse.

3. Controlling Relationships and Peer Pressure Listen actively. Instead of just thinking about your response, really hear what the other person is saying. Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.

Maybe a friend is controlling or making you feel bad about yourself. Or you’re in a relationship where you feel pressured to do things you’re not comfortable with. Unhealthy relationships can be sneaky because they don’t always start off bad, but over time, they drain you.

Apologize when needed. If you messed up, own it. A genuine apology for how “that came across” or for a wrongdoing on your part can go a long way.

How to Persevere: Recognize the warning signs. If someone constantly criticizes you, makes you feel guilty for saying no, or isolates you from others, take a pause. Remind yourself you are worthy of kindness from others. Determine if this is someone who will encourage you to grow. If your answer is no, then that’s not a healthy relationship. Consider distancing yourself from such relationships.

Growing Through the Struggles Every challenging relationship situation is a chance to grow.

Whether it’s learning to stand up for yourself, communicate better, or choose healthier friendships, perseverance doesn’t mean forcing relationships to work—it means being strong enough to work through challenges and wise enough to know when to let go.

Set boundaries. Boundaries in friendship are about respecting each other’s limits and ensuring both people feel safe and valued. When boundaries are set, there is little to no fear of being taken advantage of or being hurt. Boundaries help maintain a healthy relationship by setting clear expectations for things like personal space and emotional support. When good friends understand each other’s boundaries and don’t push past them, the friendship grows stronger and more trustworthy. If you ever feel unsure, trust your instincts and talk it out with a trusted adult to determine what to do next.

Everyone goes through relationship struggles—you're not alone. But you don’t have to stay stuck. The more you practice handling relationship challenges with patience, confidence, forgiveness, respect, and self-respect, the stronger you’ll become—not just in relationships but in life!

You can persevere through the stormy seas of relationships!

The inner strength you gain will enable you to walk on water through the storms to calmer seas ahead!

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JOURNAL

You are smarter

and stronger than

you realize.

I will not give up Mindful Lettering: Trace the lettering. It does not have to be perfect. You may rewrite the phrase a number of times on the page. Enjoy the process of mindful lettering.

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“Rest is where healing begins.

Rest is where growth takes root.

Rest is where wisdom finds its voice.”

It's crazy to think that in a few years, I will be celebrating my 20th high school reunion. In case you are wondering, I (Brett) graduated in 2008, which means to many of you, I am now considered old. I remember those early mornings, like the 5:30 am workouts for baseball and the long days that followed with school, study hall, and practice. Then there were the late nights filled with dinner, homework, and talking to my girlfriend, often leaving me with just five hours of sleep.

Life was a whirlwind, and finding rest seemed impossible.

Our culture often glorifies busyness, equating a packed schedule with success. But deep down, many of us feel tired, not just “physically,” but “emotionally and mentally.”

Back then, as a teenager, I didn't fully grasp the importance of rest—not just physical rest but rest for my mind and emotions.

Life can feel like a chaotic storm when you’re a teenager, full of changes and unanswered questions. It’s a time when you are figuring out who you are and what you want out of life, and the answers don’t come easy. Sometimes, it can feel like everyone expects you to have it all figured out, but at this time in your life, it isn’t about having all the answers right now. It’s about asking the right questions and reflecting on what you are learning that helps you grow.

FINDING REST AND IDENTITY IN A BUSY WORLD.

by Brett Nakasone “Most of the things we need to be most fully alive never come in busyness.

They grow in rest.” – Mark Buchanan

During these times, it can be easy to focus only on the hard moments. But examine closely; there are quiet moments when you are alone with your thoughts. Your journey is unique, and there is no one who knows you better than you. Take the time to make those small, quiet moments an important part of your day. Rest. Create space for this in your busy week to become more in tune with yourself and what’s going on inside you—your heart and your mind.

One way to do this is through solitude. Solitude is being alone by choice because it helps us to reflect on ourselves and improve focus. Unlike loneliness, which makes us feel disconnected from others and isolated, solitude is peaceful and empowering—giving us a chance to connect to the person we are determined to become.

I want to grow into a better version of myself—someone who’s more kind, sees life with a softer heart, and handles things with grace. I want to create, build, and live with real purpose and love. But to get there, I’ve got to slow down, be real with myself, stay grounded, and take time to reflect on who I want to be and who I am becoming. That’s how real change happens—when our heart starts to shift from the inside out.

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It is healthy to take a break from pressure, especially social or peer pressure. During such breaks, you can take a walk in nature or do something relaxing that you enjoy.

to look perfect, show confidence, or prove success, social media can drain us emotionally and mentally.

To truly find rest, we need to disconnect from these distractions and reconnect with what really matters. It's not about abandoning social media entirely but about setting boundaries and being intentional with our time.

Because here's the thing: change only happens through a certain level of commitment. Information without application leads to stagnation, but information through application leads to transformation. It's the small daily decisions, rhythms, practices, and habits that make all the difference.

Take time to unplug—step away from the screen and just be still. In a world that’s always pulling at your attention, finding real rest matters. Not just the kind where you crash on the couch, but the kind that refreshes your soul, reminds you who you really are, and helps you figure out what truly matters.

In today's era of social media, finding rest is even more challenging. Our phones and social media apps are constantly vying for our attention, pulling us into a cycle of doom scrolling, notifications, and comparisons. The pressure to keep up with the latest trends, share the perfect moments, and stay connected with everyone can be overwhelming.

So, as you navigate the busyness of your life—whether it's school, sports, work, relationships, or the pull of social media—remember to take breaks to rest and refresh. Create space to reflect and meditate. Allow yourself to transform from the inside out, shaping you into the person you strive to be. In this, you'll find the true rest and identity your soul longs for.

Social media often leaves us feeling more connected yet more isolated than ever. We compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reels, leading to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, or loneliness. Whether it’s the pressure

RESTING IN NATURE.

“There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature—the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter.” – Rachel Carson Take time to rest in nature.

For example, when looking at a huge tree, you could be inspired to be like a shade tree to people, being a safe place—like how the birds make their nests in the branches of the trees. When looking at the vast ocean, you could get an inspirational thought that a problem you are wrestling with is actually a small thing in the context of the vastness of your whole life.

We can gain positive perspectives when in the posture of rest!

“Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.” – Albert Einstein

Studies show that relaxing in nature outside can actually help your brain work better. It lowers stress, boosts your thinking skills, and makes you feel more mentally healthy overall.

We can soak in the beauty of nature through the sights, sounds, smells, and our sense of touch. Just being in natural surroundings can help reduce stress and anxiety and give us a sense of peace. For example, going on a hike, swimming in the ocean, or going on a boat ride can refresh our minds and reset our emotions.

When you gaze at trees, the ocean waves, flowers, or various animals, you can make connections to a meaningful message.

“The earth has music for those who listen.”

William Shakespeare

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“In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous.” – Aristotle “A sunrise or sunset can be ablaze with brilliance and arouse all the passion, all the yearning, in the soul of the beholder.” – Mary Balogh

Are you a mountain person or an ocean person?

Where is your favorite place to be outdoors?

Envision your favorite place in nature. Describe the view, the sounds, and the smells in this place that you love: Why does this particular place bring you peace?

ACTIVITY Take a walk with your smartphone or camera. It could be around your neighborhood, at a park, or even at your school. It could be a tree, a rock, a flower, a puddle of water—something in nature. When you have time, spend some quiet time looking at the photo. Pay attention to the thoughts and impressions that come to you. Write your thoughts below:

I took a photo of a: Journal about what the photo represents to you:

Make it a practice to take a pause when you are in nature and when something grabs your attention. What are your eyes feasting on, and what are your ears hearing? What insights or thoughts do you have? Soak it in and enjoy.

“In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways and they’re still beautiful.” – Alice Walker

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THE RHYTHM OF REST While you are persevering through life situations.

It is important to take time to rest.

“Most of the things we need to be most fully alive never come in busyness.

They grow in rest.”

“Your calm mind is the ultimate weapon against your challenges.”

Bryant McGill, Social Entrepreneur

Mark Buchanan

Some ‘restful’ activities you can start doing today! emotionally. For example, you could take a walk, lie down and watch the clouds, watch the sunset, hike, or swim in the ocean or lake.

• Plan a quiet time, including journaling or reading (take a break from looking at your phone, computer, or television).

• Carve out regular, unplanned, and unstructured time to rest—a time to rest your brain and body.

• How about sitting or lying in silence daily for 3-5 minutes? Resting your mind can take effort but can give you a moment of rest for your brain and body.

• Plan a time for recreational rest! What do you like to do for fun? What activities do you enjoy doing that do not require a lot of energy?

• Aim to enter a restful place once a week to refresh and be healthy!

• Plan times to be in nature. Be in places with natural surroundings. Such activity can refresh us physically, mentally, and

“Real rest feels like every cell is thanking you for taking care of you. It’s calm, not full of checklists and chores. It’s simple: not multitasking; not fixing broken things.” – Jennifer Williamson

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Don’t forget to breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe again.

Breathe.

Be filled with peace Did you know that deep breathing can actually calm you down? It can help clear your mind and reset your brain. When we breathe normally, we rarely use our full lung capacity. Deep breathing gives our body a good dose of the much-needed oxygen to thrive.

Try this right now: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Find a comfortable position.

Close your eyes.

Put one hand gently on your heart and the other on your belly. Take a slow, deep breath for about 3-4 seconds, inhaling through your nose. Your belly, not your chest, should expand.

Exhale slowly for 6-7 seconds through your mouth.

Repeat a few to several times, depending on how you feel.

Try doing deep breathing at least once to a few times throughout the day and see how you feel, especially when you are stressed!

TIP: You can practice deep breathing when you are waiting for someone or something or simply to take a brief break from an activity that you are doing.

Try this activity: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Find a place to be alone and rest, preferably lying down.

Play some peaceful instrumental music.

Take three deep breaths, slowly exhaling. You could imagine a peaceful place in your mind.

Try not to think about things that cause you to feel anxious, such as dwelling on a problem.

Just rest and relax for several minutes.

After resting, you can journal any thoughts that come to your mind.

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Journal As we persevere, grit and character develop within us. A person with grit musters up the strength to persevere and is passionate and committed to the end goal.

Read the following quotes. What wisdom can you take from them? Journal your thoughts on how you connect their messages to your life.

“The only use of an obstacle is to be overcome. All that an obstacle does with brave men is, not to frighten them, but to challenge them.” – Woodrow Wilson, 28th U.S. president “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” – Maya Angelou “Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it or work around it.” – Michael Jordan, basketball player

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Chapter 4: Stay the Course ACTIVIT Y

Walk it out.

• Overcoming Struggles with Purpose, Passion & Grit.

• Perseverance and The Power of Practice • Persevering Through Friendship Changes • Finding Rest and Identity in a Busy World

Consider choosing one or more action steps:

1.

Find a quote that encourages you to persevere.

Frame it or put it on a Post-it note where you will see it regularly. Commit it to memory!

2.

When persevering through hardships, it can help to keep goals and a vision for your future in mind.

Here are some practical steps that can help you keep moving forward and track your progress.

•

Write down your vision and/or end goals clearly on paper.

•

Break the goals into small steps and have daily or weekly goals you aim to accomplish. We naturally do not want to do things that make us uncomfortable or will challenge us, so taking small steps can be less intimidating and doable.

•

Find a quote that you can put to memory to help with keeping a positive mindset.

•

Be gentle with yourself when you experience failure or disappointment.

•

Celebrate your progress, even if you simply made it through another day without giving up!

3.

Interview a person you know who went through a difficult time yet persevered through a challenge.

Hear their story. Sometimes, we need inspiration, wisdom, and counsel from someone who has endured a hard time.

4.

Watch a movie based on a true story about a sports team or someone who experienced victory and success after a season of hardship. You can receive encouragement through a true story. To get some ideas, search the Internet for movies based on true stories of perseverance.

Journal the lessons gained through the movie.

The struggle is real, and so is hope.

Text 494949 to chat now | FREE Mental Health Chat Center | 24/7 for those over 13 years old.

1-888-373-7888 | Toll-Free Hotline | 24/7 87 | Confidential | Get Help. Report Trafficking.

“It’s not only children who grow.

Parents do too.”

Joyce Maynard

Chapter 05

Parents and You EXPLORING THE IMPACT OF PARENTS

Relationships with parents can be a complex mix of emotions. One moment, you might feel love and appreciation—and the next, frustration or confusion.

Maybe your parent is involved in your life, or maybe they’re not around at all. Either way, it’s normal to carry a mix of hopes, gratitude, disappointments, questions, and memories when it comes to family.

you understand them better and create space in your heart to forgive past hurts, ask for forgiveness when needed, and take steps toward healing and growth.

You’ll also be encouraged to notice the good—even in small moments—and explore how to build better communication, trust, and connection where it’s possible. You may not be able to change everything, but you do have the power to grow, heal, and shape how you show up in this relationship. And sometimes, that makes all the difference.

This chapter aims to help you understand the emotions you carry and provide you with tools to move forward in healthy, life-giving ways. The truth is that most parents are doing the best they can with what they’ve experienced and lived through. They’re human too— learning, growing, and sometimes stumbling along the way. Choosing to see them with compassion can help

Let’s explore some tools and truths that can help you build bridges and maybe even discover something beautiful and meaningful in the process.

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UNDERSTANDING PARENTS AND PATTERNS. What have my parents got to do with it?

by Beth Bachran Did you ever consider that your parents were once BABIES? Well, they used to be babies, and they used to be kids. Can you imagine that?! They used to be cute, little, innocent, wide-eyed, drooling little ones! They had hopes and dreams about what life could be like, as little kids should.

I know there are days when you feel like they JUST DON’T GET IT! As an adult, I know there are days when we silently hope we will get it right, but we cannot read your mind any more than you can read ours. Conflict between you and your parents can hurt your heart…and know that it hurts theirs too.

Parenting is important because childhood is when we learn how to feel safe, loved, and understood. It shapes how we see ourselves and how we relate to the world. When parents support and guide us well, it’s easier to grow up confident and connected. But no parent is perfect, and sometimes they fall short—when they were kids, they may not have been perfectly parented. Let’s face it—who is perfectly parented? NO ONE! Their hearts may have been broken over and over by being misunderstood or hurt.

Maybe there are days when your parents are fun and enjoyable to be around, and life is good! We all like to focus on those days.

And maybe there are those days when you are thoughtful, considerate, and cooperative. What?!

And then there are those days when you are ALL NOT connecting.

Relationships are a two-way street!

Both sides need to be patient and gracious. Your parents are probably doing the best with what they have… they are still in the process of growing and learning as well.

It's possible your parents grew up in home environments that were far from ideal. Maybe your parents were raised in a super strict home with harsh discipline, where love or encouragement were rarely given. They may not have had the space to make mistakes or receive praise and affirmation. Some may have faced abuse or rejection, experienced traumas that still need healing, or were abandoned by one or both parents. Others may have had caregivers who were so absorbed in their own struggles that they couldn’t give much attention to their children. They grew up the best way they knew how—just like you are doing now.

Negative experiences can start layering on top of each other. It can be tricky to trust and give your parents space to fail. And it can be really hard to want to cooperate when they’re just not there for you in the ways you need them to be.

Fast forward. Now they are YOUR parents. Whether you live with both parents, one parent, or another guardian, relationships can be complicated. Having once been a teenager myself,

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One thing you can do is care for your own heart. You can be there for yourself and remind yourself that you will never leave you. You will listen to your heart and learn to be honest with yourself… You can trust that the future will be full of good times and difficult times too—because, hey, we’re human!.

If you have loving, supportive parents who are safe places for you to open up to, then it is probably easier for you to trust that the future will be safe.

choosing peace over holding onto pain. Your feelings of disappointment or frustration are real and valid.

If you are struggling with your home life, are being treated unkindly, and are experiencing being harmed in various ways, seek support from a trusted adult on ways to navigate your situation.

However, negative experiences can start to have a big effect on HOPE. For example, if it feels like your parents rarely provide for your needs, it might be hard for you to trust others will care for you. If they are often moody and critical, you may begin believing that everyone is judging you. When parents don't offer guidance, you might be challenged to seek help from other trusted adults because, oftentimes, you have to figure it out for yourself. And if your parents do not show much interest in the things that make you tick—your passions—why would you think anyone else would value your ideas and thoughts or even recognize the unique things you bring to the world?

At the same time, it’s helpful to remember that your parents are human too. Many are doing the best they can with what they know, often carrying their own unhealed experiences. They may not always get it right, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you. By recognizing both your pain and their perspective, you give yourself the freedom to let go of what no longer serves you and to move forward with more hope for your future.

Keep reading! The articles in this chapter will share more wisdom and practical ways to navigate the sometimes complex relationships with a parent or parent figure. The following is an activity to practice some of these things…

Give yourself the gift of making space to forgive your parents for the ways you feel they may have let you down. Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending the hurt never happened—it means

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JOURNAL ACTIVITY 1.

Get a piece of paper.

2.

Journal by writing each parent a letter. *You will NOT be giving them this letter, so feel free to express yourself. The treasure will be how your heart will feel when you express things that you may not even know need to be written down on this paper.

Your letter might look something like this sample: Dear Mom/Dad, I never reflected on the fact that you were once a teenager like me.

One thing I need from you is

One thing I want you to know about me is (could be a dream of yours or anything you want them to know about you)

One reason I am thankful for you is

Make the words your own and express whatever you want! If your letter happens to be full of negative emotions and hurtful words you expressed, it’s ok. Did you know that when we express pain, it actually helps our brains feel less of it? That’s better than holding it in!

3.

Once you are done writing, tear the letter up and throw it away.

4.

If you’re brave, you might want to show your parents kindness and cooperation. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and try to believe they are doing their best (even though it may not seem like it).

Remember, your parents were once just babies who had to grow up!

If you want to, you may write a loving letter to your parents to give to them, expressing your needs, true feelings, dreams, thanks towards them, and positive desires for your relationship with them. This can feel like a big step! It’s okay if you’re not ready to be that open, but maybe pop that in the back of your mind and even think about this for the future. You are worth being heard and seen!

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JOURNAL

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My name is Merval Bud Phelan. It’s the name written on my birth certificate.

THE ROLE OF WISE MENTORS: STEERING ME ON MY PATH.

by Merval Bud Phelan

The Crow name given to me by my grandfather is Baawaalax’Baax’Be Eet’Koole Eeshakokaate,’ which means “Young man who carries the Holy Bible.”

Man! I was surprised and so disappointed when I was given this name! In my culture, your name IS who you are or who you will become—and at the time, I did NOT want to be that! Interestingly, I did accept this name given to me later in life.

Here, I share my story of pain… and hope.

On September 10, 1994, I was born on the Crow Indian reservation in Montana. My mom was from the Crow tribe in Montana, and my dad was from the Hidatsa tribe in North Dakota on the Fort Berthold Reservation.

I was raised with lots of beliefs… and lots of cousins.

Growing up on the “Rez” in Montana was hard for me.

It was particularly hard because I grew up in a fatherless home. My dad, Gary Phelan Sr., died when I was three.

I don’t really remember him, but I oddly remember the day he died. The smell of the hospital, the sounds of my mom and four sisters wailing when being told dad died, and the lamp being left on all night because my siblings and I could not sleep without a light on for a while after he passed.

Growing up without a dad made me yearn for a mentor, especially a father figure, who would give me guidance and wisdom. Instead, I was left with an abusive older brother who was hooked on meth when he was eighteen.

He taught me everything I knew in my younger years.

I started using drugs and alcohol at an early age. By the time middle school rolled around, I realized what I was doing was unbelievably bad. When I was in 5th grade, I was handcuffed and put into the back of a police car

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for beating up a kid who made fun of my mom. Having only one parent made me a huge “momma’s boy,” so I took it personally when she was made fun of.

you, believe in you, genuinely care for you, and are willing to invest in you. The role of a mentor is to help guide, protect, encourage, and strengthen you along life’s way.

I had deep-seated anger and rage inside of me. My decision-making came from a place of bitterness. I didn’t care that being suspended from school became normal for me, along with detention, selling drugs, rebelling, and acting cool with my “hood rat” friends during my middle and high school years.

Be patient, as it can take time to find the right mentors.

Develop a willing, open, humble, and teachable heart.

I believe you will find mentors and coaches who will walk with you in life, whether just for a short season or for years to come!

However, despite all the drama I created, I followed my Native traditions. I got into Native American cultural ceremonies and would talk to Native American elders about life.

“Growing up without a dad made me yearn for a mentor, especially a father figure, who would give me guidance and wisdom."

There were so many times when I was so hopeless and hardened that I didn’t care about a lot of things.

Remember, I was a fatherless child. I secretly longed to be fathered by a good, loving dad figure my whole life.

I decided to have a goal of finding a mentor who could coach me through life’s circumstances with wisdom that I didn’t have.

I found my first mentor unexpectedly when I became very interested in MMA. There was a 3-year span when I became obsessed with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and the man who taught me how to control my anger through this martial art form was a white man named Keith. To this day, I recall the helpful advice he gave to me years ago.

Presently, I have seven mentors. These mentors don’t model perfection, but they model the process of walking with integrity, confidence, a heart of service, and genuine care for others. They are examples to me of what a good and great man can look like. I no longer feel alone.

My encouragement to you is to seek out father-figure and mother-figure mentors who have character, integrity, and wisdom. Search for mentors who want the best for

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GROWING IN UNDERSTANDING YOUR PARENTS.

by Chiyomi Chow, LSW

Have you ever noticed how your friend’s parents act differently from yours? Some are more relaxed and give their kids more freedoms, while others are stricter. Parents have different communication styles as well in the way they talk, listen, or respond. As a teen, you’re surrounded by all kinds of parenting styles—but have you ever stopped to wonder why your parents do what they do? What’s behind the way they respond to you/ There’s more to it than you might think.

Sometimes, parents don’t always meet their children’s expectations of support and involvement. When this happens, their lack of involvement can make you feel uncertain about your place in the world and vulnerable to negative influences.

So…how can you navigate parent relationships?

Here are some helpful ideas, no matter what kind of parents or caregivers you have:

Most parents want to be great at raising their kids, but the truth is, they’re still learning too. After all, they’ve never parented you before. You’re one of a kind. The way your parents raise you is shaped by a mix of things—how they were raised, what their culture or society says is “normal,” advice they’ve heard, and a whole lot of trial and error. Parents usually simply do their best with what they know.

Sometimes love doesn’t look the way we expect. Just because your parents don’t always show love the way you wish they would… doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Love doesn’t always look like hugs, long talks, or praise. For some parents, love shows up as pressure to succeed, rules to keep you safe, or even quiet sacrifice behind the scenes. Sometimes, they’re loving you the only way they know how—because maybe they were never shown other ways to express love.

Parents learn to parent while being a parent. You will too, when you become one.

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Have you ever asked your parents what their own parents were like? It might give you insight into why they parent the way they do. Maybe your mom was raised by a strict mom and thinks she’s already being more relaxed than her mom was.

Or maybe your dad felt like no one cared about his success, so now he pushes you harder. Maybe your parents grew up in a home where their own parents did not show interest or guide them—maybe they had no positive role models.

Try talking it out with your parents—but be wise about when and how. When you feel ready to talk with your parent(s), be strategic. Pick a calm moment, or ask when’s a good time to talk. Avoid blaming, since people usually shut down when they feel attacked. The goal isn’t to fight—it’s to be heard. Start by sharing something you appreciate about them, then express how you feel. A thoughtful approach can help open the door to real conversation.

Understanding their background doesn’t excuse everything, but it might help things make a little more sense. It’s okay to want more connection, more understanding, more warmth.

But try not to jump to the worst conclusion. Give your parents grace where you can. Most parents are trying, even if they don’t always get it right.

If you feel distant from your parent, you could express your feelings by saying something like, “I miss feeling close to you.

I wish we could talk more. Can we have some time soon just to hang out and talk?” You could even write them a letter if that’s easier.

Remember, you can’t control how your parents react, but you can choose how you respond. Communicating respectfully and honorably with your parents about your feelings can be a great start to improving your relationship.

You can also start to think about what kind of parent you want to be for your children when it's your time to start a family.

Don’t believe the lies. Believe the truth.

Have grace and be forgiving. Remember, as you’re figuring things out, so are your parents. Parenting is not easy, and [spoiler alert] … most of us are just making it up as we go and hopefully learning along the way. Forgiveness and understanding go a long way. They may not always show it, but they probably care more than you think.

Even if your parents aren’t showing up the way you need or desire, you are significant.

Believe these truths: ▶ You are enough ▶ You are valuable ▶ You are not a mistake ▶ You are worthy of love, attention, and care ▶ You have a purpose ▶ You are becoming someone strong, wise, and resilient— even through the hard stuff

Personally, I feel like I did a good job as a mom, but I’ll tell you I definitely was not perfect. I’m glad my kids gave me some slack and were able to see my heart despite my fumbles along the way. I know it’s hard, but it might be helpful if you could recognize your parents’ efforts and give them a little encouragement.

You can choose to grow, be kind, stay grounded, and find the support you need—even if it doesn’t come from the people you expected.

I understand that relationships can be messy and tough.

Family dynamics can be complicated. But you can navigate it with strength, grace, and wisdom. Choosing to be thankful for the good that your parents or caregivers do for you can help you stay grounded and hopeful. Focus on growing into the best version of you, even if some things are out of your control. That’s how peace starts, one step, one day at a time.

You're defined by who you’re becoming—and that person is strong, brave, and worth fighting for.

Seek support from safe adults. Look for mentors such as teachers, youth leaders, coaches, counselors, even a friend’s parent—people who care, are willing to listen, and want to guide you to growing your connection with your parents, especially if you are struggling with a challenging relationship with a parent. You can build a support system beyond your family.

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BUILDING BRIDGES TO A CLOSER CONNECTION WITH PARENTS.

by Kanani Krafft, LCSW

Then, the next day, it started all over again. The number of words exchanged between my parents and me on a typical day fluctuated occasionally, but on average, that was the gist of it: basic, as-needed conversations.

Sound familiar?

Let’s be real—family relationships can be complicated. Maybe you have an awesome relationship with your parents, or some of you might feel like no matter what you do, you’re misunderstood, criticized, or shut down.

However, I believe most parents and parent figures want to connect with their kids, but many don’t know how. Maybe it was never modeled or taught to them, and sometimes, bad situations get in the way of healthy connections. That’s not an excuse but rather an explanation.

Even now, I sometimes struggle to connect with my parents.

It’s better than before, but old hurts still show up now and then.

As a parent now, I remember feeling misunderstood as a teen, especially during arguments that ended in shouting, slamming doors, and losing phone privileges or getting grounded.

I was once a teen back in the 1990s (Yes, I’m old, lol). Music was the best, and there was no time for boredom, even though smartphones and social media were non-existent. Can you imagine what that was like?! After school, I did homework (sometimes, lol), talked on the phone with friends, and mostly stayed in my room until the next morning. Communication with my mom or dad was basic, on an “as-needed” basis only, and there was not much connection.

Looking back at those times when life didn’t seem fair, I would hold grudges against my parents. Usually, over time, everyone would calm down, but sadly, deeper issues never got resolved because we wouldn’t discuss what happened.

Even though it hurts to talk about difficult things and to find agreement after a disagreement, connecting after a fallout makes a difference. Why? Because you matter.

Typical conversations went something like this: “How was school?”

“Good.”

“You got homework?”

“Yep.” “Dinner is on the stove.”

“Ok.” “Don’t take a shower too late.”

“I won’t.”

“Don’t forget to brush your teeth.”

“Yep.” “Go to sleep early so you get up early.”

“Yah ok.”

“G’nite” “Nite.”

It can be difficult to take a step to connect with a parent while not knowing how they will react. If it doesn’t turn out like you expected, it’s okay. Stay hopeful that opportunities to improve things will come. You cannot control other people’s responses, but you can choose your attitude. Regardless of the outcome, you were made to connect.

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How to Connect with Your Parents (Even When It Feels Impossible)

Write your thoughts down. Sometimes, expressing your thoughts in writing is easier. Let them know what you appreciate about them and how you hope to grow your relationship. This gives them time to process instead of reacting in the moment.

Connecting with your parents—whether you’re super close or feel like you live on different planets—is not always easy.

But taking small steps toward better connection is possible, even when things are tough.

Example: “I know we don’t always see eye to eye, but I want you to know I care about you, and I’d like to find ways for us to connect better. I’m open to trying—are you?”

The following are some honest thoughts, perspectives, and practical tips to help you along the way:

Build a connection around shared moments. Connection is often built around shared moments where closeness can grow, like going for a walk, watching a funny show, or eating a meal together. Invite them to do something simple:

Start with understanding your parents. This may sound weird, but one of the first steps to connecting with your parents is trying to understand them. Their reactions aren’t always about you—sometimes they’re dealing with fear, stress, or their own unhealed past. It doesn’t excuse everything, but it can help you see them differently.

“Wanna grab a snack with me later?”

“Can we cook something together this weekend?”

“Want to hear a song I’m into lately?”

Choose connection over perfection. You don’t have to wait for the perfect moment or say the perfect thing to start building a connection. Sometimes, the most powerful thing is just showing up. Start with something small, like:

Be patient with slow progress. Don’t give up if your parents don’t respond as you hoped. They may need time and might not be ready to meet you halfway yet. That’s painful, but it doesn’t mean your efforts are wasted.

▶ Sit near them while they’re watching TV or cooking dinner. ▶ Ask them about their day—even if it feels awkward. ▶ Offer to help out around the house without being asked.

Not every parent knows how to connect well. Some may never fully change. That’s not your fault. But your desire to build a connection is brave, and your choice to love—even when it’s hard—is powerful.

These might not seem like big things, but they speak volumes.

They say, “I want to connect.” And that matters.

Set boundaries when needed. If a parent is hurting you emotionally, physically, or verbally, it’s okay to set boundaries.

You can love them and still protect yourself. Talk to a trusted adult—you’re not weak for needing help.

Use the “soft start” approach. If you’ve ever tried to talk to your parent and been shut down quickly, you’re not alone.

Some parents respond out of fear or frustration and may not handle their emotions well, which hurts.

Final Thoughts No family is perfect, but even small, genuine steps toward connection can begin to shift things. Don’t underestimate your impact. Your words, your heart, your hope—it all matters.

When you do reach out, try a “soft start.” It means beginning conversations gently instead of jumping in with frustration or accusations. It’s about giving the other person a better chance to hear your heart instead of getting defensive.

Keep showing up and choose love and forgiveness over bitterness. And remember—connection isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being real. You’ve got this!

Instead of: “You never listen to me. Why do you always ignore how I feel?”

Try: “Hey, I’ve been having a hard time lately, and I’d really love to talk when you’re free. Is that okay?”

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Journal Write your takeaways from this chapter on parents.

mindful doodling 100

Chapter 5: Parents and You ACTIVIT Y

Walk it out.

• • • •

Understanding Parents and Patterns The Role of Wise Mentors Growing in Understanding Your Parents Building Bridges to a Closer Connection with Parents

Consider choosing one or more action steps:

“Once you realize how deeply those in your family may have hurt you, forgiving them may seem like the last thing you want to do. But, in fact, forgiveness is crucial to your spiritual and emotional health. It is the key to freedom from the pain of the past.”

David Stoop, Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: The Definitive Guide

1.

gesture, as words are powerful. You can start by making a list of their positive strengths. We can focus on the negative weaknesses in others, but if we look hard enough, we will be able to see some good! Even parents need encouragement.

Pick a parent or a parent figure in your life and write an appreciation note or text. It is customary to give a parent a nice card on their birthday, Mother’s Day, or Father’s Day, but sending them a special message for no particular occasion is a kind gesture.

Express your gratitude for what good they are doing for you or have done for you. You can also add words to encourage them if they happen to be going through a difficult time.

2.

Think of some creative ideas to show love and lift up your parent or parent figure. Even if you are going through a tense or rough time with them presently, doing something loving can help you repair the relationship.

Here are some ideas: • • • • •

Purchase or make them a small gift.

Do a chore or service for them.

Simply give them hugs and say “I love you,” regularly.

Express your appreciation for something they did.

Tell them what you like and love about them.

Giving them compliments or affirmations is a loving

3.

If you have unforgiveness or resentment towards a parent or parent figure, you can decide to work on forgiving them. Review the first chapter on forgiveness in this volume for helpful tips.

If you are aware that you have hurt or offended a parent or parent figure in some way and you know you were wrong or didn’t handle the situation respectfully, you can humble yourself and ask for forgiveness for what you did that was not right. You can do your part in taking a step to heal the rift between you two.

You can't control how someone reacts when you apologize, but you can own your part, do your best, and be at peace knowing you tried.

The struggle is real, and so is hope.

Text 494949 to chat now | FREE Mental Health Chat Center | 24/7 for those over 13 years old.

1-888-373-7888 | Toll-Free Hotline | 24/7101 | Confidential | Get Help. Report Trafficking.

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