Brave & Bold: CLASSIC(non-faith based) VERSION: VOL 2

2

GROW IN CONFIDENCE. KNOW YOUR IDENTITY.

JOURNEY

FOR GUYS

DIG DEEPER

The Quest to Dig Deeper Welcome to your Brave & Bold Journey 2, a unique path with solid stepping stones to strengthen you on this adventure you are on. Life is not a sprint but a marathon. The topics in Journey 2 will support you for the rest of your life as you seek to establish some building blocks of emotional health.

The strong root system of a grand fruit tree is important for its health and longevity, enabling it to bear loads of good fruit. You are like this tree. We want to help you nourish a great root system so you not just survive but thrive in life with the sweet fruits of personal growth, success, and healthy, positive relationships!

We challenge you to approach Journey 2 with an open heart and a willingness to learn and grow— which takes courage and grit. Be prepared to be surprised, challenged, empowered, affirmed, and transformed. You may experience healing moments from past pain, opening the door to newfound freedom, perspectives, hope, and joy.

We believe everything you go through can be turned into something that makes you brave and bold so you can step into life knowing how much you are worth. You were meant to be part of a caring community where you can build each other up and grow together.

As you ‘dig deeper,’ may each article and activity give you the refreshing water and nourishment you need so you can finish in victory!

With gratitude, The Brave & Bold Team

BRAVE & BOLD (CLASSIC) Copyright © 2025 Releasing Generations Published by Releasing Generations Printed in the United States of America All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

All articles, art, and photographs have been published and printed with the permission of their creators.

Art Direction and Graphic Design by: Ahava Design, LLC. Photos by Unsplash and iStock Photo.

TheBraveSeries.com Brave & Bold is a publication created by Releasing Generations, a non-profit organization that empowers people of all ages to thrive with purpose, while knowing their value. We focus on equipping leaders to positively impact young people through events, training, and resources that build emotional and relational wholeness and release creativity and leadership.

Brave & Bold Volume 02 (Classic) – 1/2025

FOR GUYS

DIG DEEPER

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The Journey: 02

Journey

Journey

HE IS BRAVE & BOLD Defining What is Brave & Bold

LET IT GO ................................... 12 The Value of Forgiveness

KNOW YOURSELF Becoming Self-Aware

...............................26 GOOD GRIEF ...............................

Dealing with Losses in Life

STAND FIRM Being Secure and Confident

UNRAVELLING EMOTIONS ........... 40 Navigating Anger, Fear, and Anxiety

YOUR DESIGN Discovering Your Uniqueness

STAY THE COURSE ...................... 60 Persevering Through Hardships

BORN TO CREATE Activating Your Creativity

PARENTS AND YOU ...................... 76 Exploring the Impact of Parents

FREEDOM TO DREAM Dreaming Big for Your Life

FORGED IN COMMUNITY ............. 90 The Value of Belonging to a Community

Discover Purpose

Dig Deeper

6

Dig Deeper

Journey

Journey

BUILDING YOUR CORE Establishing Character

PORNOGRAPHY The Negative Effects of Pornography

VALUES TO LIVE BY Embracing Key Values for Success

OVERCOMING TRAUMA Understanding Trauma

LEADERSHIP Becoming an Effective Leader

SEX ABUSE Addressing Sexual Abuse

FRIENDSHIP Building Healthy Friendships

SEX TRAFFICKING Protect Yourself and Others from Victimization

GUYS AND GIRLS Honoring Girls and Women

RISING STRONG Onward with Vision and Purpose

HE PROTECTS Guarding, Defending, and Supporting Others

THE BROTHERHOOD The Value of Men Arising

Develop Foundation

Daring Pursuit

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How’s Your Heart?

How is your soul doing? What is going on in your inner world?

How is your soul doing? What is going on in your inner world?

We are more multifaceted than the eye can see. Caring about how we appear to the world is not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing, but do we ever take a look at what is on our inside and invest in our own emotional health? Our soul is made up of our mind, will, emotions, thoughts, attitudes, character, and even our moral makeup—in other words, our inner world.

The purpose of these next three chapters, Let it Go, Good Grief, and Unravelling Emotions, is to support you in navigating the negative emotions of anger, fear, and sadness. These common emotions are often ‘stuffed’ and handled in unhealthy ways that can affect us for years to come—and even our physical health over time.

Despite our cultural or family influences, we all have the potential to grow and heal emotionally and mentally, paving the way for a brighter future.

The last three chapters are related to emotional health as well. You will be strengthened to persevere through challenges, navigate issues with your parents whether they are present in your life or not, and embrace the value of being a part of a loving community.

This next article by Brandon Ahu will help prepare you to embark on this transformative journey of self-discovery.

THE CLOSET OF OUR HEART.

by Brandon Ahu

What is not revealed cannot be healed.

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even guilt and shame over things we’ve done that we’re not proud of.

I hated cleaning my room as a kid. It was one of those things that my mom always threw at me if I ever asked to go out and play with my friends. “Did you clean your room?” was the question that would sentence me to at least 45 minutes of putting away things that had been thoughtlessly thrown across my floor, desk, and bed.

We can easily think, “If anyone knew about this, they wouldn’t want to be around me.” So we ignore these feelings and try to distract ourselves with everything else: friends, video games, sports, social media—anything is better than the stuff we’re feeling now. We stuff them away into the corners of our hearts, where they sit there and start to smell, making other things in our lives smell.

But one day, I cracked the code. Rather than take the time to clean my room and go through everything, I just stuffed it all in my closet and closed the door! Problem solved! So, in the closet it went: toys, books, papers, shoes, backpack, dirty clothes, and used dishes. Every time my mom told me to clean my room, I got it done in less than 5 minutes. The floor, desk, and bed were clean, and I could go out and hang out with my friends.

We were never made to live like this. Although it’s tough and may take a little longer in the moment, we must be able to deal with what we think and feel. Don’t let unresolved issues and feelings sabotage your future. We were made to be free from these things, but you must be willing to bring them into the light.

Everything was great, and my room looked amazing— until the closet got too full, and I couldn’t close the door. Even worse, a funny smell started coming from the closet. One thing about dirty clothes and used dishes is that you can only keep them hidden for so long. The smell started to creep out into other parts of my room.

But hiding is easier, isn’t it?

And you can continue to do that. But we know that eventually, we will have to deal with it. The good, the bad, and the ugly, as they say. So, we might as well deal with these things that we’ve tried to hide. Why would we do this? Because…

Of course, my mom found out. And it wasn’t pretty. I had to soak and wash my dirty clothes multiple times to get the smells out, and some just had to be thrown away since they were so gross. Not to mention the dried-milk cereal bowls, old cups of orange juice, and caked-on cheese that wouldn’t come off the nacho plate I had last month. It was a catastrophe. Unloading the mess that I’d stuffed away in my closet for months took longer than if I had just dealt with things the right way.

What is revealed gets healed.

And the opposite is true as well: What is not revealed cannot be healed.

Yes, it takes courage to face it and bring it into the light.

But don’t forget that in the light, you will find wholeness, forgiveness, and life. Don’t be afraid to deal with the things that you are ashamed of. It all starts with being courageous enough to open the closet and be honest with what’s really in there.

Sometimes, we treat our lives like I treated my room.

We all want a life that looks clean and well put together.

But messes happen to all of us. Rather than dirty clothes or used dishes, our messes look like thoughts, feelings, or habits that we just don’t want to deal with. Intrusive negative thoughts. Feelings of deep anger or rejection.

Disappointment that something didn’t happen how we wanted it to. Hurt and pain toward a loved one, or

If we are willing to clean out the closet of our hearts, we will find freedom.

“Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that’s what makes you strong.”

Sarah Dessen

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“If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive.”

Mother Theresa

Chapter 01

Let it go

How easy is it to get offended? Irritated? Hurt by people’s actions or words? It can be so easy to hold hurt and unforgiveness in our hearts when we are the receiver of hurtful actions and words.

of the pathway to healing, wholeness, freedom, and joy in life. Open your heart and mind to the articles and stories in this chapter that will empower you to forgive, even when it is difficult.

But remember, forgiveness is always within our reach as we heal and get the support we need in the process. Forgiving yourself and others is part

Let’s grow deeper roots in the good soil of love and forgiveness.

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THE GREAT CHOICE.

by Jason Lehfeldt

“When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive.”

Nelson Mandela

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It is in becoming a person who can forgive.

Remember that time recently when someone’s words or actions made you feel annoyed, offended, really angry, hurt, or just left out? Maybe they criticized you or yelled at you? I bet you don’t need to think too far back, probably just a day or two, to find a moment when someone’s actions got to you. It’s something we all deal with as part of our everyday reality.

WAIT WHAT?! I know this sounds difficult and, at times, downright impossible. However, holding on to unforgiveness can torment us mentally and emotionally, stealing away our joy and peace. Over time, holding on to bitterness can also increase our risk of suffering from physical health issues. Forgiveness is for our benefit so we can be free from the chains of unforgiveness.

Unfortunately, we do life every day with imperfect people. People will mess up, have bad days, or lose their temper. Sometimes, people can simply irritate us.

While other times, people can deeply wound our hearts in traumatic experiences.

Sometimes, it can seem easier to stuff the hurts and avoid thinking about them. But then we become the walking wounded without realizing it.

Let me share with you something I didn’t learn until I was much older. These negative, hurtful events will change you. However, you get to decide if it’s for better or worse. You choose. Let me explain.

Forgiveness typically can be given easily and quickly for minor hurts or irritations. Minor hurts are like getting a pinprick on your finger. They irritate, but they are easier to let go of.

Think about an older person, like an uncle, grandparent, or leader, who you really enjoy being around. They are loving, caring, supportive, and fun. Sure, they have a bad day here and there, but that’s not the norm.

As men, we can go through serious, traumatic experiences— like betrayal, abuse, or humiliation—that leave deep scars. A deep hurt feels like a knife through your heart. It is wounding and very painful. Forgiving deep hurts is a process that often involves getting help from others—don’t be afraid or ashamed to reach out to someone who can help you, like a counselor or a trusted mentor. It can take time to forgive someone and feel completely free from the pain. Be patient with yourself.

Then, there are those other people. Some are crabby, complaining, and just not happy. Some people are seriously mean, abusive, manipulating others to get what they want, and just not safe to be around. These kinds of people didn’t become that way overnight; it’s been a gradual change over time that made them who they are today.

You may not ‘feel’ like forgiving, but pursuing your healing through the pathway of forgiveness is a choice.

Your heart can heal in various creative ways, so your healing journey will not look exactly like someone else’s.

So, your first choice to make is this. Of the kinds of people just described, what kind of person do you want to become?

At this point in my life, I am convinced that forgiving others is the best way to live. Don’t let the actions of others negatively affect your life and who you are.

Forgive others and reap the rewards of being a caring, compassionate, peace-filled person.

What is an important key to living a happier life, having better, healthier relationships, and more fulfilling careers?

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

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Some common misconceptions about what forgiveness is:

1. “I should deny or ignore my hurt and anger.” In the forgiveness process, especially for deep hurts, it is normal to feel hurt and, at times, even angry. We should not deny or ‘stuff’ our negative feelings but try to work through and release those feelings.

2. “If I forgive, I’m saying what they did was OKAY and not wrong.” This is not what forgiveness is about at all. Forgiving someone starts with fully acknowledging that what they did was wrong and that it hurt you.

3. “They don’t deserve my forgiveness.” We often wait for someone to apologize or show they feel sorry before we forgive them. But here’s the deal: forgiving is more about helping yourself in the long run. If you don’t forgive, it’s like staying stuck in a whirlpool of emotions; it lets the other person control you. When you forgive, that’s when you take back your peace of mind.

4. “If I forgive, they’ll just hurt me again.” Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or welcoming the person back into your life. Forgiveness allows you to clear your head and heart to think clearly and decide whether restoring the relationship is the next right step. Most of the time, it is, but not always.

5. “I need to trust the person again.” You can forgive someone, but that does not mean that you need to be in a relationship with them or that you must now trust them.

Regaining your trust can take time. Seek wise advice.

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Let’s get started.

Steps in the forgiveness process The following are three helpful, easy-to-remember steps to take when forgiving someone who has hurt you. Remember, forgiveness is a process.

1. Get in touch with your thoughts and feelings. Become more self-aware.

Sometimes, what can help is journaling a letter to the person who offended you that you WILL NOT give to them (it’s an exercise to release your negative feelings and thoughts), but this gives you space and a place to get your raw feelings out...then when done writing, rip it up and throw it away. This can help you to move on towards forgiving.

2. Verbally forgive: You can verbally forgive the person privately when you are by yourself.

Imagine the person is in front of you. Speak forgiveness to the person as if he/she were right there. I have found this envisioning can help our hearts to give forgiveness more genuinely.

You can say aloud something like this: (Name of the person) , I forgive you for (name what they said or did that left you feeling hurt.) . ” If you still feel angry or hurt, that is ok. Remember, healing is a process. *You could also journal your thoughts, feelings, and words of forgiveness.

3. Journal positive hopes.

Think about jotting down one to a few positive hopes for that person, like hoping they get the help they need to improve or that they’ll turn their life around. If it feels hard, take it easy on yourself. Though this can be tough to do, making it a goal to hope for the best for that person can help you progress. Having positive hopes for them can be a sign of victory for your own healing process.

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i”m letting go of my old ways ACTIVITY Carrying rocks can weigh you down. Holding onto unforgiveness can feel like carrying heavy rocks in your backpack.

Label next to these rocks all the things you want to ‘let go’ of. Envision yourself throwing rocks and releasing them into a lake or river. This is an activity to help you ‘let go’ of those things weighing heavily on you.

Draw more rocks if you need to.

Remember, for deeper hurts you may need to reach out to a trusted person in your life who can walk with you through the forgiveness process.

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POWER CLEAN YOUR HEART! In the space below, draw a picture or write a poem about what freedom from unforgiveness looks like to you. Let your creativity flow!

“It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive.

Forgive everybody.” – Maya Angelou

mindful doodling 19

FORGIVE HIM?!

NOT A CHANCE.

by John Allison

I was bitter. Angry. The kind of anger that just doesn’t stop.

I hated him so much that I daydreamed in class about different ways he would die. Seeing him in the hallway or at lunch filled me with dread. I was afraid to talk to anyone because I thought it would only worsen things.

I had been bullied for years by a group of popular boys who starred in all the sports teams. To them, I was an easy target. I was smart and didn’t like basketball, football, or wrestling. My friends and I talked about comics, Pokémon, and video games. I endured bullying through middle school, which continued into early high school.

Instead, my defense mechanism became sarcasm: I decided that if Scowl and the others were going to bully me, I would use my words to cut them down. I learned how to say the things that hurt the most. I could find an insecurity and say just the right thing to cut a person to the core.

One boy in particular seemed to have it out for me—let’s call him Scowl. The bullying from Scowl was always the worst. He encouraged the other boys in their bullying.

He called me the worst names, mocked me the most, and pointed out everything he thought was weak in me.

When Scowl was around, the abuse never stopped. And I hated him.

Unfortunately for everyone, I got good at it. I say, unfortunately, because it only made things worse.

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In the summer before my junior year, my life changed.

I had an experience that caused me to begin following my faith seriously, and I began changing priorities in my life. Rather than doing whatever I felt like doing, I had a purpose in my life and wanted to change my heart and attitude.

“Hey, listen. I just wanted to apologize to you for all the terrible things I did to you when we were kids. I was a pretty messed up kid and really going through a lot, and I took it out on you. I’m sorry.” He told me he had found his purpose and reason to live and that he was a totally different person now.

Two different mentors began investing in my life and faith, and I began to transform. I was growing and getting help to heal the broken parts of myself that I didn’t even know I had. And in that growing, there was a big challenge for me that I never saw coming: forgive Scowl.

I was stunned. Could this really be happening? I quickly told him that others had helped me learn to forgive him a long time ago. In the rest of the short conversation, we celebrated how different our lives were now. Scowl had become Smile. He said goodbye, and I never saw him again.

No. There was no way. After all the things he had done to me over the years, it was not humanly possible.

There’s a popular quote that’s been attributed to everyone from Mother Teresa to Buddha that says, “Holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking a little poison every day, waiting for the other person to die.”

The next year and a half was an amazing time of transformation for me as I was changing from the inside.

And to my surprise, I began to forgive Scowl.

What I learned is that when we forgive others, they lose the power they have over our minds and hearts.

In my senior year, Scowl and I had different schedules, and the first time we crossed paths was in December. As we walked toward each other, I felt like I was supposed to smile. “Smile at Scowl.”

It’s almost never easy to forgive. It often takes the hard work of choosing to forgive every day, sometimes for years. But in the end, we realize that we’ve not only set that person free, but we’ve also set ourselves free.

Time slowed to a crawl. “No way! That’s weird. I’m not doing that. Forgiveness is one thing, but smiling at him?

That’s crazy.”

A few weeks after I saw my former bully at lunch, I got a notification: “Smile has requested to be your friend.”

I grinned in disbelief as I clicked, “Accept.”

I went back and forth internally until Scowl and I were almost passing each other. Finally, I decided to do it.

“It’s not an easy journey to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.” – Tyler Perry

I smiled. He looked shocked and passed without saying anything. The next time I saw him was across the field at graduation—the end.

Or so I thought.

About ten years later, I was eating lunch with a friend in my hometown. Scowl came into the restaurant. He didn’t recognize me (which was fine with me), and I realized I had no hard feelings toward him. I was surprised and thankful. I didn’t know another surprise was waiting for me.

“John? Is that you?” he asked when he came over to the table at the end of my meal. I told him that it was me.

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What does it mean to give yourself grace?

Giving yourself grace means being patient and kind to yourself, especially when you’re dealing with tough emotions or situations. There will be times when you’re working through the pain of a deep hurt and trying to forgive—it’s not always easy, and that’s okay. Forgiveness is a journey, not a one-time thing, and it’s worth taking the time to work through it step by step. Be gentle with yourself as you grow and heal.

Accept that your feelings are a valid response to a hurtful situation.

Celebrate any progress you are making in the forgiveness process.

Choose to be hopeful instead of critical or negative.

Mindful Lettering: Trace the lettering. It does not have to be perfect. You may rewrite the phrase a number of times on the page. Enjoy the process of mindful lettering.

FORGIVE YOURSELF

ACTIVITY If you struggle with forgiving yourself about something, try this: Go into your bedroom or bathroom, where there is a mirror you can look into. Have a private moment with yourself. Look deeply into your own eyes and say, “I forgive you.” Just be. This may be an easy task, or it can be an emotional task. Either way, you are ok. Spend a moment taking in your own gentle forgiveness to yourself!

Audrey Hepburn

Brittany Burgunder

Suzanne Somers

Shannon Yvette Tanner

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Journal Letting go. Moments of pain from our past experiences can trigger and stir up feelings of shame and beliefs that can blur our perceptions. Part of the process of healing and being restored is forgiving.

“When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive.” – Nelson Mandela Reflect on the following questions and journal what you feel led to write about. You can choose one or more prompts. ▶ ▶ ▶ ▶

What memories from the past trigger angry or painful feelings in you?

What do you wish you could tell the person who offended you about how you were hurt by them?

Who or what do you need to forgive?

Make a list of things you would like to ‘let go’ of.

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

mindful doodling Doodle something that expresses a take-away from this chapter.

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Chapter 1: Let It Go ACTIVIT Y

Walk it out.

• The Great Choice.

• Forgive Him?! Not a Chance.

Choose one or more action steps:

Doing a symbolic physical act can help us to release our tears, anger, unforgiveness, and pain. Note that it is easier to ‘let go’ of minor hurts and irritations, but forgiving deeper hurts is a process and can take time and commitment. Consider choosing one of the activities below to release forgiveness towards someone you are having difficulty forgiving:

1.

Go to a beach or lake and gather rocks along the shore. The rocks symbolize the pain and unforgiveness you are carrying. Throw the rocks one by one into the water as far as you can, symbolically releasing your burdens. Another option is to think of a creative idea to tangibly release your burdens and unforgiveness through writing a song, a spoken-word poem, or another artistic expression.

2.

Write a letter (it will NOT be given to them) to the person who hurt you, and be raw and real in expressing your anger and pain. End the letter by choosing to forgive them or expressing your desire to be free from unforgiveness. If you feel you are able, write a positive hope you have for that person who offended you. Rip the paper up into tiny pieces and throw it into the trash as an action of release.

3.

Make a list of things you want to ‘let go’ of.

Remember, forgiveness often begins with a choice rather than a feeling. Envision yourself releasing those heavy burdens, like releasing a bunch of helium-filled balloons into the sky. You can tear up or crumple the paper and throw it away, symbolizing your forgiveness or desire to forgive.

4.

If you are struggling with forgiving yourself for something, you can speak out these positive declarations to yourself to reinforce these beliefs. As you speak them, what can help you emotionally is to either put your two hands over your heart or put your right hand on your left upper arm and your left hand on your right upper arm (as if you are gently hugging yourself).

• • • • • • • • •

I am a good person.

I forgive myself.

I will not beat myself up any longer.

What happened is in the past, and I am moving on.

I am forgiven.

I am loved.

I did my best at the time.

I know better now, so I will do better going forward.

I let go of my past and step into my positive future.

The struggle is real, and so is hope.

Text 494949 to chat now | FREE Mental Health Chat Center | 24/7 for those over 13 years old.

1-888-373-7888 | Toll-Free Hotline | 24/7 25 | Confidential | Get Help. Report Trafficking.

“If we can laugh, fine. And if we’ve got to cry, we’ve got to cry.”

Charles Bukowski

Chapter 02

Good Grief

Sadness. Grief. Heartache. Despair. Sorrow.

There is a cultural lie that exists in some families that men should never cry. This is not true and is a very unhealthy practice. Men have as deep feelings as women do.

Many of us would rather avoid these feelings, yet we all have experienced losses to varying degrees. People often try to numb their grief through various addictions and activities that distract them from feeling such painful emotions. However, avoiding working through grief leaves an unhealed wound in the heart that will affect life and relationships in unhealthy ways.

In this chapter, we will take a close-up look at this emotion called grief and gain keys to navigate those seasons of sadness in ways that heal and bring us into a place of great peace, rest, and joy.

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GOOD GRIEF!

by Sheryl Sarmento – Professional Counselor

I’ve faced a lot of tough losses in my life. My folks split when I was a baby, and I bounced around between houses, schools, and neighborhoods more times than I can remember. Each change felt like another loss, and it was overwhelming. I didn’t know how to handle all those emotions, so I turned to drugs, alcohol, and other ways to escape.

is hurting, our first instinct is often to try and make them feel better. But you know what? Sometimes, our attempts to fix things can make it worse. Phrases like “They’re in a better place” and “Don’t be sad” might seem good, but they’re not as helpful as we think.

I eventually learned how to deal with my sadness and grief. Many people do not know how to grieve or understand that grief is good.

What really works when someone is grieving is being there for them, listening without trying to fix everything, and letting them express their feelings. Allowing them to be sad and helping them find ways to heal is what makes a difference.

We all have losses in life:

Some common symptoms of grief:

Have you experienced any of these losses? Check off the ones in your life.

▶ Heaviness in the chest or tightness in the throat. ▶ An ‘empty feeling’ or loss of appetite. ▶ Feeling guilt over something said or done, or something left unsaid or undone. ▶ Intense anger at the person for dying, and later feelings of guilt for being angry. ▶ Mood changes over the slightest situations. ▶ Unexpected outbursts of anger or crying. ▶ Difficulty concentrating on a task at hand. ▶ A feeling that the loss isn’t real and didn’t happen at all. ▶ Sleeplessness, troubling dreams, or sleeping too much. ▶ A need to retell and remember things about their loved one to the point of repetition that burdens others. ▶ Feeling depressed. ▶ Suicidal thoughts.

▶ loss of a pet. ▶ loss of a parent through death or divorce. ▶ loss of someone you were close to through death or a move in location. ▶ loss of a relationship or friendship. ▶ loss of hopes and dreams. ▶ loss of popularity on social media and more.

All these losses cause sadness that affects us in one way or another.

When you lose something, you will feel this thing called grief. Grief digs up deep sadness that can stick around in our hearts, minds, and even our bodies. That sadness has to go somewhere and often resides in our hearts, minds, and bodies.

Here are some of the ways that we might try to avoid our grief and pain:

Crying is a healthy way to process and release your sad emotions and can have many emotional and physical benefits. When you are dealing with a loss, crying can actually help you to heal.

▶ Taking drugs and alcohol. ▶ Having sex with multiple partners. ▶ Watching pornography. ▶ Escaping into activities such as playing video games. ▶ Cutting. ▶ Overeating. ▶ Isolating from others.

It is easy to be happy and excited with people who have something to be happy about, but have you ever tried to cry with someone who is crying and to be sad with someone sad?

That is exactly what we are supposed to do... cry with those who are sad and who need to cry. When someone

Continuned

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Here is what you can do instead: 6. Look at pictures, make a collage, watch a movie, or do something that reminds you of your loss and helps you to cry to get those feelings out.

1. Recognize and acknowledge your loss or losses. Take time and make time to grieve.

2. Interestingly, people have made time to grieve for several days in some cultures. For example, historically, in the Jewish culture, the average grief period was 30 days minimum. In today’s world, 30 days may not be possible for you; do what you can to carve out times when you can really focus on grieving.

7. Prepare yourself on birthdays, holidays, and whatever other days might bring back memories of your loss.

Try to be with someone or do something to help you get through that day.

8. You can ask for professional help and find a good counselor, mentor, or grief group to help you walk through the journey to wholeness.

3. If you are feeling down, talk to a close friend who can understand what you are going through. Sometimes, you just need someone to listen without trying to solve everything. If you go to church, you can ask for prayer.

4. Journal about your loss and how it makes you feel.

Be honest, and don’t hold anything back. Grief often causes anger, especially if something unjust happened to cause the grief. Writing your feelings and thoughts down can help release some of that pain.

5. If you like to express yourself creatively, draw or paint a picture, write a poem, write a song, do a craft, or create a dance to express yourself. The creative arts can help bring healing.

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“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power.

They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.”

Washington Irving

DECLARATION TO RELEASE TEARS

by Sheryl Sarmento I declare that tears are good because they help us to heal.

Tears are a gift and are not to be suppressed.

Shedding tears is not a weakness; it will even make me stronger when I release those tears.

I have nothing to be ashamed of when I cry alone or in a crowd of people.

Men and women alike need to cry.

Tears are one way that our body naturally releases our emotions and causes a cleansing feeling in the process.

In addition to shedding tears, I am open to whatever else I need to do to heal from the losses in my life.

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GROWING THROUGH THE LOSSES.

by Rob Gross

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When I was a sophomore, my dad died after having a heart attack. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces, and I plunged into a very dark and lonely place. Feeling abandoned and confused, I started to shoplift regularly (I was acting out) and eventually got busted and spent a day in jail and had to appear before a juvenile judge. The judge cautioned me not to steal anymore and released me into my mother’s custody.

moment of anguish, with tears streaming down my face, I screamed, “Why, Dad, why!? Why did you leave me?!”

I never realized how much my fear of being abandoned and those feelings of abandonment had rooted themselves deep within me. I put up walls to keep myself from getting too close to father figures because I was afraid they might leave me just like my dad did. This fear made me believe that father figures, like teachers or coaches, couldn’t be trusted.

On the way home, I unexpectedly experienced kindness from my mom when she gently said to me, “Why didn’t you ask me for the money to buy you what you stole?

I would have gladly bought it for you.” I was shocked that my mom showed me love and compassion instead of punishing me.

When we stuff feelings of anger, grief, and sadness down in our hearts and avoid working through them to heal, that wound stays in our hearts.

But here’s the awesome part—there is hope! The voice of truth spoke to me that I am not alone. The same goes for you, even if it feels like you’re on your own, just like I used to think. Take a proactive look around, and find those adults and friends you can count on. With the love from the people around me and my faith, I was able to heal up and let go of the pain I didn’t even realize I was hanging onto.

Even though I experienced her love, I was still deeply wounded because of my dad’s death. I was filled with so much rage and anger that I got into fights regularly and even threatened a doctor in a parking lot when he spoke disrespectfully to my mother, who mistakenly had parked in his stall. I also got suspended for raging at my Japanese language teacher and was nearly expelled.

One day, many years later, I realized I still held deep pain about losing my dad. A conversation with a friend suddenly triggered me, and a feeling of emotional pain rose up within my heart at that moment. Sometimes, that can happen to us—situations can trigger a big reaction in us due to unhealed issues in our lives. In that

If you are dealing with loss, don’t hesitate to reach out for help and tackle those tough feelings of grief, anger, and sadness. Let the love, support, and care from others be the fuel that helps you keep pushing forward, one day at a time!

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ACTIVITY 1 Through art expression, whether you consider yourself artistic or not, a person can help experience a sense of calmness, peace, and comfort, especially when dealing with emotions such as anger, sadness, stress, or depression. Doing an art activity can help develop a sense of well-being and focus. Enjoy!

These art activities can help relax your mind.

In this first image, complete the picture by drawing lines in the same or similar pattern, adding more sections as you go. The drawing was started for you to complete and add on. Remember, there’s no pressure or expectation, just a simple and enjoyable activity to engage in.

Art by Angela Soh

This small graphic is a sample of what your finished art can look like. There is no right or wrong way, so take the freedom to make your own unique art.

ACTIVITY 2 In the next image below, complete the picture by coloring in the spaces in a pattern using black or another color. The drawing has been started for you to complete.

This small graphic is a sample of what your finished art can look like. Make your own unique art.

Art by Angela Soh

GRIEF AND SUFFERING TO GREAT PURPOSE.

by Chad Reis

“This is not fair,” I thought as I stared at the Instagram story. A friend had lost their battle with cancer. Dead.

Age 22. So much potential stolen too soon. I was their youth leader years ago when they were in middle school.

and relationally. It may not seem fair and could happen suddenly or for what feels like forever.

Suffering could range from a bad headache to a bad heartache.

From homework to hard work.

From the loss of a job to the loss of a friend or family member.

From anxiety and panic attacks to being bullied or physically attacked.

This led me to ask questions that you’ve probably asked: Why do bad things happen to good people?

Why do some have to suffer more than others?

I don’t have enough time or enough space to fully answer all of these questions in this article, but what I’m sure we agree on is that we all suffer.

Suffering exists and is a certainty in life for all of us due to unexpected circumstances.

Suffering and grieving losses are not something new to any of us, and nobody is exempt. We all suffer in different forms. We can suffer emotionally, mentally, physically,

If suffering is a certainty, instead of asking “why?” in a victim-minded way, let’s explore the purpose of suffering and some ways to walk through it.

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With helpful perspectives and support from others, we can help transform our pain into purpose.

Now, let’s explore an important key I have found that helps to walk through a season of suffering:

Are you ready for the purpose of suffering? Here it is:

Suffer in community.

Suffering can be a tool for refining us in preparation for our future endeavors and victories.

Share with others. Don’t isolate. Suffer in community.

Our natural tendency as guys is to isolate ourselves when we are suffering. We don’t want to seem weak; we don’t want to be a burden. We may think, “Everyone has their own problems. I don’t want to be a downer.” Such perspectives are half-truths, and most are full-on lies.

Let me be clear: sometimes suffering comes from our own unwise choices, but we can leverage suffering to refine us, release our potential, build us up, and not break us down. Suffering can prepare us for successfully handling future challenges and making a positive difference in the world. Many times, painful situations we go through can give us profound insights and increase our compassion and understanding, which can help comfort and strengthen others in the future.

Suffering doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human.

Part of being human is that we need others to survive.

We need friends, we need community, and they need you, too! Walking with others through our suffering seasons can actually inspire them. When others encounter hard times, they will probably be more likely to confide in you because they know you will understand their pain.

Suffering produces something in us and through us that nothing else can.

Think of a glow stick. Remember those? I loved playing with them as a kid. The thing about glow sticks is that they don’t start out shining brightly. In fact, out of the package, they are pretty worthless, but they have tons of potential to produce light. What it takes to bring that light out is some breaking and some shaking. We could call that suffering. The more you break and shake a glow stick, the brighter the light becomes. Its assignment is fulfilled. The same is true with us. The purpose of suffering is not to break you down but to build you up.

Hellen Keller once said:

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

My hope for you is that, not if, but when, your next season of suffering comes, you will have a community of people surrounding you that you can suffer with, staying connected to trustworthy friends and family. I believe that it will produce something in your life that will not only strengthen you but can potentially change the world for the better.

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Journal Journal about a time in your life when you experienced some kind of loss. Maybe it was the loss of a loved one, a friend, a pet, a dream, a job—anything that caused you to feel sad and grieved. Share your healing journey. If you want to, you could instead write a poem about your experience.

In the space below, sketch what sadness looks like or what healing from grief looks like.

mindful doodling 38

Chapter 2: Good Grief ACTIVIT Y

Walk it out.

• Good Grief.

• Growing through the Losses.

• Grief and Suffering to Great Purpose.

Choose one or more action steps:

1.

If you realize you have not allowed yourself to grieve over a loss in your life—take 10-15 minutes alone each day for a week to think about your loss. During the 15 minutes, you could:

• Journal your feelings and thoughts.

• If you lost a loved one, look over old photos or old letters/emails, and recall fond memories you shared.

Allow yourself to cry.

• Write a poem or goodbye letter to the person or pet you lost.

• Listen to a song that touches your heart in a good way. Allow yourself to cry.

2.

Create something out of broken pieces, or repair or refurbish something. This symbolic activity can help you remember that the shattered pieces of your life can be transformed into something great that can be put back together in a new way. It is an activity that says YES TO HOPE! You are symbolically taking the anger, despair, and sadness you feel and transforming it into something beautiful and inspiring.

True story: There was once a business in Japan called The Nozomi Project, which was inspired in 2011 when a massive tsunami devastated coastal cities and villages in Japan. Entire villages were wiped out, and many lives were lost. One day, a woman from America

who was serving a village there saw all the broken pottery scattered in the wreckage. She was inspired by the idea of creating jewelry out of broken pottery pieces. Women in the village who traumatically lost their jobs, their homes, and loved ones were hired and trained to make this jewelry, which ended up being marketed globally! This restored hope brought great healing to the villagers.

3.

Did you know there is such a thing called ‘Garden Therapy’? To heal from a loss, you can garden, plant a small garden, or grow a plant from seed in a pot.

When we plant a garden or grow a plant, it can symbolize new life sprouting forth in our lives after a time of sadness.

“The glory of gardening: hands in the dirt, head in the sun, heart with nature. To nurture a garden is to feed not just on the body, but the soul.”

Alfred Austin “When gardeners garden, it is not just plants that grow, but the gardeners themselves.”

Ken Druse “To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.”

Audrey Hepburn

The struggle is real, and so is hope.

Text 494949 to chat now | FREE Mental Health Chat Center | 24/7 for those over 13 years old.

1-888-373-7888 | Toll-Free Hotline | 24/7 39 | Confidential | Get Help. Report Trafficking.

“If one lets fear or hate or anger take possession of the mind, they become self-forged chains.”

Helen Gahagan Douglas

Chapter 03

Unraveling Emotions

Imagine being in the midst of a storm, with anger, fear, and anxiety swirling around you like relentless winds.

Sometimes, we can stuff these unpleasant emotions so deep within our own hearts that we can become unaware and out of touch with how we are really feeling. We can turn to unhealthy activities and addictions to distract ourselves from dealing with such feelings. However, when ignored and left unresolved, these emotions will continue to fester within us, affecting our decisions and relationships.

In this chapter, you will journey through the eye of the storm, learning helpful ways to manage these common emotions. You will gain stepping stones toward overcoming the negative power of anger, fear, and anxiety, which will then lead you to a more resilient, emotionally healthy, and fulfilling life.

Think of your mind, your emotions, and your spirit as the ultimate garden. The way to ensure a bountiful, nourishing harvest is to plant seeds like love, warmth, and appreciation instead of seeds like disappointment, anger, and fear. – Tony Robbins

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THE ANGRY MAN TRANSFORMED. My Story.

by Allen Cardines

“My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair.

So, let us be loving, hopeful, and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.” – Jack Layton

Offended. Rejected. Out of control. Angry. That was me.

My anger took on many forms. Many times, I would hide or mask my anger with things such as alcohol and drugs. But those things never helped me to heal the anger and pain that I carried around on the inside.

Sad to say, growing up as a boy and into my teen and young adult years, I never learned how to handle or control my emotions—especially when I couldn’t have my way. So, how did I deal with hard situations? I would blow up and flare up in anger. I was disrespectful and obnoxious and had such a bad attitude towards authority—especially my parents and others who got in my way. I was no fun to be around.

By the time high school came, I had become more physical in expressing my rage. I would often punch walls. One time, I even picked up a large piece of furniture and flung it at the window. By my teen years, I was in full-blown rebellion against my parents because I wanted MY way. I resorted to expressing rage as my weapon, and I started hurting the people I was supposed to love.

I observed various family members losing their temper, so exploding with anger was ‘normal’ to me. I rationalized that since those men and women in my family expressed unrestrained anger, it must be ok for me to express anger like they did. Those experiences shaped my belief system.

My anger even started to carry on into my workplace and my relationships from one person to another. I began to treat people as disposable diapers – easily disposing of relationships that didn’t meet my wants and moving on to the next. Through my teen and early young adult years, my life became littered with broken and hurt people because of my anger issues.

I really believed that being angry gave me powe… but that was a lie.

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I was easily offended and easily felt rejected. The following is a list of real-life descriptions of myself as a teenager and young man. Can you relate to any of them?

He said, “Practice these three words.” He then wrote this on a napkin: positive mental attitude.

I thought to myself, “Well, that can’t be that hard, right?”

But I was mistaken! Keeping a positive mental attitude was hard! Donald would challenge me again and again to grow in this way of thinking.

▶ I was lonely, afraid, and insecure. ▶ I believed that nobody cared about me and that I did not ‘belong.’ ▶ Deep down inside, I felt worthless and useless. ▶ I was fiercely independent and believed I did not need other people. ▶ I would easily withdraw myself from situations when I felt uncomfortable. ▶ I could not trust anyone. ▶ Because I figured people would end up hurting me, I would hurt them first before they could hurt me. ▶ Because of my anger, I was unable to overcome challenges and conflicts. ▶ I would uphold a false image of myself and pretend I was good on the outside, but inside…I was a MESS. ▶ I would hurt the very people who loved me. I would think, “If I can’t control you, I will punish you.”

This was the pivotal point in my journey when I began shifting my belief system and mindset to embracing a positive mental attitude. How did I do it? I will share with you some practical wisdom on how I achieved this in my next article.

Fast forward. Who am I now? What has changed in me?

I like me. I actually like myself now. Before, I did NOT like who I was. This was the biggest change I experienced. I now get along with myself, and I can control myself.

I now have a greater capacity to genuinely love others and forgive people when they hurt me. I am growing in having unconditional love for people.

Now anger is not a ‘bad’ emotion. As humans, we experience a range of emotions. Often, anger is a secondary emotion resulting from a primary emotion. You see, underneath all that anger in me lay hurt, hurt, and more hurt. I didn’t even realize the amount of pain I carried inside of me.

Having a positive mental attitude has affected my purpose and my passions. Today, if you want to partner with me in any project, you must have the goal to find positive, productive solutions to painful problems in life. People can often waste hours grumbling and gossiping about people instead of being part of the solution.

Let’s instead be part of the answer to problems.

A turning point came for me in my early 20s when I was working in the construction industry. I met an older gentleman in my workplace, Donald Vincent, who was the nicest Hawaiian guy. He was always smiling, positive, joyful, and never cussed.

I was impressed by the way he carried himself. When I met him, I thought to myself, “I want to be like him.” Because you see, for me to be joyful and happy at that time, I would have to drink cans of beer, shots of tequila, and margaritas!

Donald became someone I looked up to, and he became the reason for the change in me.

I love to share about how to live aloha (the Hawaiian word for “love”), love aloha, and share aloha. It’s a powerful, transformational culture of aloha that I am working to build and that the world so needs.

As a result, the impact I have had on my family, ministry, and community has touched, inspired, and equipped people all over the world! I have had the honor and privilege of being invited to speak at global conferences where I have testified of the positive transformation of lives and my community through the work that I do.

Donald took me and some other young construction workers under his wing, so to speak, and became a father figure to us.

He expressed all the time that he believed in us. He believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.

If you struggle with anger, you are not alone. Though I don’t know you, I want to say that I believe in you. You are a man who has the courage and strength within you to overcome your struggles with the support of others and great resources around you, including counseling. Remember, it’s a process of growing and healing. If I can change, I know you can too.

I will never forget one conversation I had with Donald. We were getting lunch at a lunch wagon when he asked, “Allen, do you want to be successful in life?”

I answered, “Yes.”

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The Angry Man Transformed (Continues)

WISDOM TO LIVE BY

by Allen Cardines

“Turn your mess into a message.”

It took me several months to make progress in breaking my old habit of thinking negatively and instead developing a new habit of having a positive mental attitude—especially when I didn’t get my way.

This may shock you: although today, many would say I am one of the most joyful, positive people they know…I still get angry at times.

After reading my story in the previous article, I am sure many questions were stirred up within you, such as, “So Allen, how do you currently deal with your anger?”

Donald, my mentor, whom I mentioned in my story, also had me read Napoleon Hill’s “Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude,” which further practically helped me with my anger issue. I encourage you to read this book or another on the topic to equip yourself.

Here are some initial steps that helped me overcome my anger: 1. I had to realize that I had a problem—my negative attitude.

2. I had to realize that the problem was NOT the people around me. I was the problem.

3. Whenever I started falling into negative thinking, I would catch myself and think positive thoughts instead.

I have learned that you can’t change overnight. Change is a process; you have to want it, work at it, and you can’t give up.

Another helpful book I recommend is “Tongue Fu: How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse Any Verbal Conflict” by Sam Horn. It

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4. My goal in confrontations and messy situations is to look for the treasures in people, places, and problems, not the trash. In the past, I would look for the trash and be negative. If you look hard enough, you will find treasures in every problem. Look for a way to find positive, productive solutions to painful problems in life. This is a game-changer.

taught me words to lose and new words to choose. Because of reading that book, I began to create some easy-to-remember positive quips to say out loud to help myself and others such as: Bless, don’t blast.

Turn your test into a testimony.

Turn your mess into a message.

A setback is a setup for something greater.

We need hope to float and hope to cope.

Be a peacemaker, not a troublemaker.

5. Learn how to create healthy boundaries. A boundary is like a fence that keeps the bad stuff out and the good stuff in.

6. Grow in knowing your immense value. My anger stemmed from being hurt, so I had to learn the truth that my value and worth should not come from people or social media. In the past, I was getting my worth from what people thought of me. Some people will inevitably hurt and disappoint you—that’s life. But you can grow in personal confidence, believing you add value to this world.

I have found establishing healthy goals for myself was crucial in controlling my anger.

Without having goals in life, especially if you have anger problems, it’s like having a football game without a goalpost or an end zone. You can run fast and run hard…but where are you going?

The following are some goals for you to consider adopting for yourself:

7. Surround yourselves with eagles, not turkeys. In other words, surround yourself with positive people who can fly and soar with you to greater heights in life, not people who are negative and who think small. You can’t fly with the eagles if you surround yourself with turkeys.

Goals to help overcome your hurts, habits and hangups And find hope, help, and healing: 1. The only person I can control is myself, so I practice self-control. I realized that if I cannot control myself, then I am out of control. I cannot control other people. I cannot control the world. Note: This is hard work!

Over the years, I met amazing people who saw potential in me; they saw gifts in me that I had never seen in myself!

Be patient. I believe you will also meet such people who will encourage and inspire you. Put yourself in positive, empowering environments.

2. Is my goal to protect relationships or hurt relationships?

My goal is to protect relationships. I aim to build, protect, and strengthen heart-to-heart connections and not create distance. I aim to build bridges and not blow up bridges or build walls. I have this same goal even with people I disagree with or dislike because I view every human being as valuable.

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” – A Chinese Proverb

Because I learned how to protect and strengthen relationships, I have been happily married to my beautiful wife for so many years, and I know how to build relationships with people near and dear to my heart.

3. My top goal in communication is to listen respectfully and to understand the other person. Oftentimes, people get angry when disagreements occur in conversations. I will listen respectfully and seek to understand a person, whether the other person agrees with me or not.

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ACTIVIT Y

ANGER MANAGEMENT How do you handle your anger?

When guys feel angry, it’s common to feel frustration, annoyance, or even extreme rage. It’s important to recognize that anger is a normal human emotion.

Yet, it is helpful to learn how to manage our anger in healthy ways.

Unmanaged anger can cause various hindrances in our lives such as: • Relationship issues: Things we say and do in anger can hurt those around us.

• Our physical health: If we have regular angry bouts, health issues can begin to arise, such as heart problems or diabetes.

• Our mental and emotional health: Unmanaged anger can cause anxiety and stress in our lives, which can cause us to gravitate toward addictive behaviors (like drug and alcohol usage) to cope.

• Legal and financial problems: If we act out aggressively or violently, we can run into hardships due to such outcomes as assaulting someone or damaging property.

Be Self Aware!

We each have unique triggers that cause us to be angry, even rageful. Being aware of your triggers is the first step to learning to cope with them and respond in healthier ways. Even though we can’t always control circumstances, we can learn skills to grow in self-control and handle things better.

Check off the triggers that cause you to be outraged immediately:

— Being misunderstood.

— Being treated unfairly.

— Feeling you are not being ‘heard.’

— Being disrespected.

— Someone is not respecting your property.

— Being lied to.

— Being ignored.

— Being corrected.

— Being criticized.

— Feeling hurt.

— Not getting your way.

— Feeling lonely.

— Feeling unsafe and being afraid.

— Feeling powerless.

— Feeling tired.

— Feeling hungry.

— Feeling threatened or attacked.

— Feeling betrayed.

— Feeling disappointed.

— Losing something valuable.

— Losing a game.

— Feeling jealous.

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— When your wrong choice

leads to a negative outcome.

— Experiencing a

personal failure.

— Feeling envious of someone.

— When an unexpected situation spoils your plan.

— Stressful situations like driving in bad traffic.

— Feeling depressed.

— Being rejected.

— Being talked over or interrupted.

How Do You Handle It? How do you currently handle your anger? Check all that applies and/or fill in the blank for ‘other.’

— I act out physically, like punching or throwing — I yell and express my angry thoughts to the something.

person who angered me.

— I imagine how I will get revenge on the person — I keep to myself and withdraw from the situation. who angered me.

— I gossip about the person who I am angry with.

I swear.

— — Other: Journal: Reflect on a recent situation when you were angry. It can be helpful to know that anger is often a secondary emotion that hides a deeper emotion rooted in hurt, fear, or grief.

• What triggered that emotion?

• How did you handle the situation?

• What was the outcome?

• As you reflect, could you have responded differently in a more helpful way?

Have A Plan—Some First Steps!

The following are just some of the many calming actions you can do when you feel that eruption of anger beginning to rise within you. Once you calm down, you can respond more rationally. If you need help, seek counsel and support from a mentor or professional counselor.

Choose one to a few calming actions you can start practicing in your life starting this week. Check the top 2-3 that you want to start applying:

— Count backwards from 100 by 5s.

— Journal.

Take five deep breaths, slowly inhaling and

— — Draw or paint. exhaling.

— Verbalize your anger, confiding your frustration Take a 5-10+ minute walk, run outside, or do with a safe friend who can understand, empathize, — — —

some physical activity.

If possible, scream privately into a pillow.

If possible, punch a pillow, not a wall or mirror.

—

listen, and be there to process with.

Repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself like, “Calm down” or “Relax.”

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COURAGE IN THE FACE OF FEAR.

by Samuel Pyo

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

Fear is a powerful human emotion. When we let fear overwhelm us, it can express itself as anxiety, worry, and panic.

However, when we do not allow fear to control us, we can use fear to motivate us to do the right thing and protect ourselves and others from danger.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

– Nelson Mandela Pay attention to your self-talk.

Fear, at its worst, can prevent us from experiencing the fullness of our calling.

What are you telling yourself? What pictures are you envisioning in your mind? When in fear mode, we can start to imagine the worst.

“Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

In psychology, there is a term called a “self-fulfilling prophecy,” where the words you begin to use to describe yourself end up becoming true. When we speak poorly of ourselves, we become those very things. We must watch and guard against what we say. It first begins with our mindsets.

Choose your response.

There are various ways we can respond to fear. We can allow fear to paralyze us. We can flee and run away. We can fight.

Or we can choose to stand strong and face our fears.

Instead, we can plan practical action steps to address the situation. Then, take those action steps!

President Franklin D. Roosevelt said in his inaugural address, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” In other words, fear should not paralyze us. Instead, acknowledging and facing our fears can catalyze us to grow and change. We can channel our fears and anxieties into energy and strength that fuels our courage.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

Dale Carnegie

Young man, don’t be afraid of what is ahead of you. What we know to be true is this. We cannot let fear have power over our lives.

Meditating on favorite quotes or helpful advice you have received can also help your mind to think more rationally. You want to begin to renew the thinking patterns in your mind.

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“Courage is the power of the mind to overcome fear.”

Martin Luther King Jr., Civil Rights Leader

confidence. I chose not to let fear hold back my life that day.

I mustered up the courage to face my fears and take the leap.

Sometimes, the power that exists within us is exactly what we need to overcome all challenges.

Reframe your perspective.

Focusing your energy on what you can control and having a determined attitude can help grow your courage.

Hey, I understand that sometimes the challenges we face may feel overwhelming. But we must still take a stand against fear. If we don’t, it’s like admitting defeat before the results are even posted.

“Neuroscience says the more we think about something, the bigger it gets. Acknowledge your fears and sense of feeling overwhelmed and ask yourself, “What’s another perspective? Are my assumptions really true?

Could the challenges be reframed as opportunities?”

Susan Sadler, Sadler Communications LLC

Military officers and soldiers are often models of great courage in the face of fear. Commander Robert W. Copeland was a United States military officer in WWII. He once said, “This will be a fight against overwhelming odds from which survival cannot be expected. We will do what damage we can.” Sometimes, we need to look at those overwhelming odds, give it our best, and face all challenges head-on.

We can struggle with all kinds of fears, from phobias of certain bugs to fear of being abandoned to fear of failure—and the list goes on. We can even fear being judged publicly when in front of a crowd!

When I was in college, there was an opportunity to participate in a class called “Hip-Hop Theater.” Being a “hip-hop head,” I joined the class. One thing, though, that I knew would be a problem was that I was deathly afraid of public speaking and performing.

See yourself differently.

How do you see yourself? Sometimes, our beliefs about ourselves can hinder our ability to overcome fears in our lives.

“You are braver than you believe. You are stronger than you seem. And smarter than you think.” – A.A. Milne Reflect on past victories over fears you had. This will help you to conclude that you can do hard things and overcome your fears. If you think hard enough, you should be able to recall times when you had to push forward into the unknown future despite fears and resistance. Begin to believe in the good things about yourself. Begin to believe in the power that you have within you. And when we begin to do these things, we begin to self-fulfill those beliefs about ourselves.

Once the performances began, I observed others approach the stage to do their performances. I observed some dancers danced with the confidence of a lifelong theater professional while some danced with the nerves of a child walking into the dentist’s office after a long Halloween night of binging on candy.

When the time came for me to perform solo in front of friends and family, I really wanted to hide and freeze! However, I quickly realized that all the performers probably had struggled with some level of fear. I decided that no matter what happened that night, I could embrace the attitude that my dance could be something amazing and wonderful, or I could expect it to be a completely humiliating failure!

I believe you have done things in your past that displayed courage—even if it meant pulling yourself out of bed to face another day in a challenging season. But there is so much more to life than merely surviving.

Overcoming your fears will enable you to thrive and experience a rich, adventure-filled life! This is my great hope for you.

So, I stepped up and entered the stage area. I began to perform my rap with the confidence of Rakim, or Eminem. I moved and swayed the crowd with my smooth flow. People began to cheer, and eventually, it became an uproar… or at least that is how I remember it in my mind.

See yourself as a brave, courageous person.

It probably wasn’t the performance of a lifetime, but it became something that I can remember with fondness because that was one experience when I was able to face my fears with

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I SOAR WITH WINGS OF HOPE.

Have you ever noticed how a bird sitting on a branch doesn’t seem worried about it breaking?

That’s because its trust isn’t in the branch—it’s in its own wings to fly if needed. Let this be a reminder for you: it’s okay to take time to rest during your journey, but never lose faith in your ability to rise above challenges. As you keep moving forward and seek solutions, hold on to the hope that you’ll soar again when the time comes.

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Mindful Lettering: Trace the lettering. It does not have to be perfect. You may rewrite the phrase a number of times on the page. Enjoy the process of mindful lettering.

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“We tend to assume that how we interpret or see a situation is true.”

OVERCOMING FEAR.

by Robert Okimura

Fear is no fun. You probably know that from personally experiencing a scary situation. We can experience fear due to a real threat to our safety or well-being, like a car driving on the wrong side of the road and coming straight at us. There are situations we encounter when it’s normal and good to experience fear because it serves to protect us. Often, however, we may experience fear due to an unrealistic or imagined threat.

Another reaction may be to flee—to withdraw and hide, like walking away from social situations because of the fear of rejection or avoiding something new because of the fear of failure.

A situation that is feared may also lead someone to freeze—like forgetting the words to a song in a singing performance, not knowing what to say in a group discussion, or being unable to recall what he studied during a test.

Fight - Flee - Freeze

So, how can you deal with anxiety?

When we believe something is a threat, one reaction may be to fight—to become angry, aggressive, and controlling.

For example, someone who is reminded to take care of a chore reacts angrily and defensively in fear of a consequence for not doing it.

Anxiety is a more prolonged and continual state of fear, like worrying about something that might happen. The thing is, though, worrying doesn’t change the outcome

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of a situation if we cannot do anything about it. Anxiety has to do with what you are automatically thinking. It’s much easier to recognize the feeling of fear than to recognize the automatic thought that activates the fear.

To deal with anxiety, it takes practice to recognize the automatic thoughts influencing it.

interprets the feedback as a threat and automatically worries with anxious thoughts that they might not get an “A” for the project, while another person in the same group responds with appreciation for the increased clarity about what they need to focus on. Two people can listen to the same thing but hear it differently. How you respond to a situation is influenced by your perception of it, and often, there is more than one way to interpret it.

One principle for overcoming anxiety is not to fight or try to avoid anxious thoughts. Instead, change your beliefs about them. A thought is just a thought and in and of itself is not dangerous. Just because you have a thought does not mean it’s true or a threat. Instead of fighting the thought, acknowledge it as just a thought.

When you feel anxiety, take note of what you are thinking and say to yourself, “That thought is just a thought.”

Notice the thought and remind yourself that just because the thought entered your mind doesn’t mean it’s true.

A second principle is to manage your demands and expectations. When you have no control over the outcome of something, and it’s not going the way you expect, you can be more prone to anxiety. Rigid thinking is when you demand something must be a certain way even when it’s beyond your power to make it happen.

Realistic thinking can help to reduce anxiety about things beyond your control. Instead of thinking, “I demand this to happen,” choose to say to yourself, “I would like this to happen, and I recognize what I can and cannot control.”

A third principle is to develop the skill of recognizing how you interpret a situation. How we feel about a situation is influenced by our interpretation of it, and our tendency is to assume that how we interpret or see a situation is true. For example, John texts a new friend, Dave, to ask if he wants to hang out. Ten, fifteen, twenty, thirty minutes go by, and no reply. He’s starting to feel anxious. An hour goes by, and John tells himself, “What a jerk. He’s ghosting me!” But what other reasons might there be for Dave not to reply as John expected?

Just then, Dave texts back and says, “Went for a run and just got back. Would love to hang out. What time?”

A fourth principle is to recognize the influence of what you believe about yourself. One of the most impactful factors that induces an unrealistic or imagined threat is a negative belief of who you are.

For example, two aspiring musicians learning to play the guitar attend a concert by an expert guitarist who is masterfully playing the guitar. One of them thinks to himself, “If I keep practicing, who knows? One day, I may be able to play some riffs like that.” The other person thinks to himself, “I suck. I’ll never play like that. How I play is embarrassing.”

If you have a negative core belief about yourself, like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not important,” you are more vulnerable to automatic negative interpretations and imagined threats. It’s fundamental and crucial to deal with a negative core belief about yourself. The truth is that you have qualities and strengths you may not be aware of or have yet to accept. No one is good at everything, and no one is good for nothing. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. You’re no different. You have strengths others don’t have, and others have strengths you don’t have. Choose realistic thoughts about yourself.

The reality is you can face what you fear. Imagined fear stops when you recognize you’re not in danger. Fear does not go away by distracting or numbing yourself with activities or substances. When you face what you fear, you are likely to realize that the source of the anxiety isn’t what it appears to be. You will also increase security and confidence in who you are and be less vulnerable to imagined fear. Tell yourself, “I’m not powerless. I can do this!”

A teacher gives constructive feedback to a small group working on a project together. One person in the group

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TALK TO YOU A poem by Cameron Goya Lynde Talk to you.

Be your own gentle older brother.

Watch out for yourself.

And when you complain or when you’re in pain or when things aren’t plain Speak to yourself with understanding and patience.

Love yourself.

Give yourself what is best for you when you want to and when you don’t.

ACTIVITY Part of loving and being patient with yourself is being self-aware of what you are thinking and feeling. Do the following activity. Revisit these questions regularly to be aware of your thought life.

Journal a few positive messages you can tell yourself. You can also include quotes that resonate with you and can help you to grow, encourage, and strengthen yourself.

Reflect on the following questions and rate yourself from 1 to 10 (1 being poor, 10 being excellent) on your emotional health in the areas of your mind, will, and emotions: Mind: How has your thought life been about yourself, others, and your circumstances?

Do you tend to have positive and hopeful thoughts, or do you find yourself stewing in fear or negative and cynical thoughts?

Will: How have you been managing the virtue of self-control?

Are you a pushover where you have little boundaries and can’t say no?

Are you a control freak?

Have you been making good and wise choices?

Emotions: Do you find yourself on an emotional roller coaster?

Are you stuffing your emotions?

Do you feel peaceful and content overall?

Are you even aware of your emotions, or do you avoid ‘going there?’

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“Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging.” – Brené Brown

Ever feel a mental mess of anxiety overcome you?

Entire books have been written on how to manage and overcome fear and anxiety, so we are just scratching the surface here!

UNRAVELING OUR MENTAL MESS!

by Michele Okimura

We can attempt to avoid feeling stressed by distracting ourselves through unhealthy means such as binge eating, gaming, or going shopping to feel the thrill of buying stuff !

Some of us may have even turned to drugs, sex, or porn to medicate stress. Such actions may give us a moment of relief and comfort but will not be helpful for us in the long run.

Some good things can come out of feelings of anxiety.

Anxiety can: ▶ motivate us to accomplish our goals and creatively problem-solve. ▶ give us clues to any unhealthy thinking patterns that need adjustments. ▶ be a warning signal that we are in danger, moving us to take positive action.

When you are feeling anxious, ask yourself, “Why am I feeling anxious?”

Reflecting on why you are feeling stressed can help uncover the internal dialogue you are having—a dialogue that you may not even be aware of!

What if what you are thinking is not true?

“Breathe darling. This is just a chapter. It’s not your whole story.”

S.C. Lourie

Our thoughts directly affect our emotions. Faulty, distorted thinking happens when we believe something to be true that is false or could very well be false. Faulty thinking causes a huge ball of mental mess! It can fill us with hopelessness, paralyze us with fear or guilt, and trap us in unnecessary pain! It is dangerous because it affects your relationships and limits your potential.

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All-or-nothing thinking:

Yet, there is so much hope for a positive future! Adopt a positive perspective and believe in the best.

‘All or nothing’ thinking exaggerates things to be much bigger than they are. Could you be assuming the worstcase scenario? Is your imagination going a bit wild? Are you thinking too black and white? Maybe you got a C on your report card, so you feel like a failure. Or someone offended you, so you think they are a horrible person.

This is extreme thinking.

Do you suffer from severe fear and anxiety?

If you are experiencing fear and anxiety that is negatively affecting your daily functioning, seek professional help!

Your reactions could be rooted in a traumatic experience that needs healing. Having a professional counselor who gives you tools to manage your stress and walk you to victory can be extremely helpful.

If we use words like *always, *never, *all, *everybody in our statements, we are probably having a faulty thought.

You take things personally:

Constant, intense, fearful, anxious thoughts have a toxic effect on our physical bodies. Chronic fear and anxiety weaken our immune system. Therefore, it becomes very important to learn how to manage those emotions. If you suffer from any of the symptoms below, seek support from the resources in your community:

Do you take offense at something a person said or did before you have all the information? Could you be jumping too quickly to a negative conclusion? Could you be interpreting the situation wrongly?

▶ Difficulty concentrating. ▶ Constant irritability or emotional outbursts. ▶ Spending more time isolated and alone. ▶ Physical problems such as headaches or digestive issues. ▶ Difficulty sleeping or often having nightmares. ▶ Constantly feeling overwhelmed. ▶ Panic attacks (rapid heartbeat, difficulty breathing).

Maybe someone didn’t return your text, so you think he/ she must be avoiding you. Perhaps they were sick in bed all day or had to tend to an important situation. Maybe someone you know didn’t greet you as you passed by, so you now think they must dislike you. Perhaps they did not notice you because they were deep in thought or depressed.

Believing the positive before assuming the worst can be helpful. And... stop mind reading. Don’t assume you know someone’s intention without checking with them!

Communication is so fragile that we can easily misinterpret something—and sometimes even hear something that was not said! Checking your understanding with the person can be enlightening and helpful.

Life can be messy, and working on our mental mess is an ongoing process! Believe the best of people and circumstances before assuming the worst.

Hopeless thinking:

“Sometimes, the best thing you can do is not think, wonder, imagine, or obsess. Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.”

Unknown

This line of thinking affects our outlook for the future.

Hopeless thinking has a cynical and negative ring to it and can often include the words “never” and “always.”

“Stress is self-created, I decided to stop manufacturing it. We can choose an internal calm and joy even amid the chaos.” – Brendon Burchard

Examples of hopeless thinking are: ▶ I’ll never be happy at this school. ▶ My family will always be messed up. ▶ I’ll never find a trustworthy friend.

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JOURNAL: Journaling about your fears and anxiety can help you to see things from a different perspective.

You might discover reasons or roots for your fears that you never realized before. ▶ What is your greatest fear? Share details. ▶ Is your fear rooted in a past experience? If so, what was that experience? ▶ How has this fear held you back in life? ▶ What is at least one goal you can set to overcome this fear? Getting help from a counselor or trusted mentor can also help and support you in your journey toward overcoming your fears.

When you are facing a scary situation or find yourself overwhelmed with anxiety, pause.

When the winds of life roar against you and the negative “what ifs” torment your mind, pause.

When it feels like you are drowning in fear, pause.

DEEPER AND DEEPER STILL

Perhaps this is an opportunity to catch your bearings. Plant your feet and dig your toes more solidly into the soil of hope and grow your roots deeper.

Grow Deep Roots

Yes, it is true you may bend in the storm, and some branches may even fall off, but you can arise stronger if you hold onto hope.

Will you use such moments to allow your roots of fortitude to grow deeper, and deeper still?

Yes! You can!

Believe you will!

Like a tree, allow the storms to anchor you with deeper roots.

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Journal Write about your main takeaway from this chapter. What is something you learned about yourself?

What is something you want to grow in?

Mindful Lettering: Trace the lettering. It does not have to be perfect. You may rewrite the phrase a number of times on the page. Enjoy the process of mindful lettering.

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Chapter 3: Unraveling emotions ACTIVIT Y

Walk it out.

• The Angry Man Transformed. My Story.

• The Angry Man Transformed (Continues) Wisdom to Live By. • Courage in the Face of Fear.

• Overcoming Fear.

• Unraveling Our Mental Mess.

Choose one or more action steps:

1.

2.

• Pause and take several deep, slow breaths by breathing in through your nose and exhaling slowly through your mouth. Be mindful to relax your muscles.

• Name the fear you have.

• Read the quote aloud and memorize it.

• Think of creative ways to face your fears with courage.

• Take a positive little step to face your fears.

• Consider asking for help from a trusted friend or mentor.

Review the following anger management practices.

Start with choosing one of them to practice when you are feeling angry. Forming a new habit can take time, so start with practicing one habit. Once you find yourself naturally applying that one tip, then add another practice to your life.

• Visualize yourself calm and restful in a peaceful place, taking time to calm yourself so you can think clearly and rationally.

• Exercise. Take a break to do some type of exercise to cool down like a brisk walk. This will give you time to think clearly and not react in anger which can cause you to say or do things that you could later regret.

• Change your thinking. Begin by asking yourself if you are jumping to a conclusion, assuming something without checking the facts, or having extreme thoughts that may be untrue. Meditate on another possible positive perspective on the situation before reacting in anger.

Pick a favorite quote addressing fear and worry then:

3.

Brainstorm and make a list of all your fears. If you fear rejection, failure, or success, please include them in your list. As an interesting fact, many Americans fear public speaking, bugs/snakes (scary animals), and heights.

Next, organize and rank them in order from smallest fears to greatest fears.

Choose the least scariest fear you listed to work on first. You can ask for help from a trusted friend or mentor. A professional counselor can help with deep, paralyzing fears.

Make sure to celebrate any progress you make!

The struggle is real, and so is hope.

Text 494949 to chat now | FREE Mental Health Chat Center | 24/7 for those over 13 years old.

1-888-373-7888 | Toll-Free Hotline | 24/7 59 | Confidential | Get Help. Report Trafficking.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.”

Winston Churchill

Chapter 04

Stay the Course

Imagine running a marathon. The finish line is far off, your legs ache, and every step feels impossible.

Yet, with every stride, you hold onto a never-giveup mindset. As a result, you find yourself getting closer to your goal. This is what it means to stay the course and persevere.

to remarkable transformation and success. Life’s challenges can be overwhelming, but with hope, commitment, vision, and the support of others, you can turn obstacles into opportunities for growth and success.

Journey onwards toward conquering the hills and mountains that stand in your way!

This chapter is filled with practical wisdom and inspiring stories, showing how perseverance leads

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BORN ON PURPOSE.

by Tony Kim

“if you don’t quit, you win.”

“I want to be a failure when I grow up” never comes from a child’s mouth. Why? Because we are born for greatness. So what is the difference between those who are “successful” and living a great life versus those who are not? Let’s talk about this.

quit, not to stop, to keep going no matter what! In other words, if you don’t quit, you win! You are not a quitter.

You are a finisher! That’s success!

In order to live this life, you need to have what we call “GRIT.” Grit is what gives a person the mental toughness and tenacity to keep on keeping on. Dr. Angela Duckworth defines GRIT as “perseverance and passion for long-term goals.” I would like to add a third element to this, “purpose.” So, GRIT is when you have perseverance, passion, and purpose.

Some say those born into money and riches have a better chance of success, while others say those born without riches have a lesser chance. Well, there may be some level of truth to that, just maybe, but I know too many people born into money who are not “successful,” and those born without that definitely are.

There was a young man who grew up in a broken family in Northern California. This included violence in the home due to addictions, deep poverty where they dumpster dove for food, plus verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse.

In addition to these challenges, this 12-year-old found

The key to being successful is not how much you start with. It’s the choices you make every day—the right choices with the right people that get you to your finish line. Successful people are those who choose not to

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Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak are famous founders of Apple, Inc. How many of you heard of Ronald Wayne?

Well, he was the third co-founder of Apple, Inc. What happened to him? When Apple, Inc. was founded, Ronald owned a 10% stake. Twelve days after co-founding Apple, Inc., he sold his share for $2,300 because he didn’t want to make the sacrifice to work in an office. Imagine if he had persevered. His 10% ownership would be worth $75 billion today.

himself engaged in a life of gangs, running the streets, raging with anger. Much of his extended family gave up on him. At one point, this young person wanted to end his own life—until something powerful took place that changed everything.

He found three keys that changed his life forever: 1. Purpose Purpose comes from knowing who you are. Your history or past wrongdoings do not define you. You were created on purpose to do good! When you know this, you stay focused and don’t let anyone deter you from being great!

That means no matter what peer pressure comes your way, no matter what your friends may say, and no matter what people think of you, you stay “REAL.” Real is not becoming someone or something else to be cool or fit in. Being “real” means you are who you are, regardless of whether anyone is watching.

Many times, we need to persevere through the tedious, “boring” stuff. You never know; you could be giving up $75 billion because something is boring or difficult.

Don’t quit!

Now, back to the young man I was telling you about.

This young man went from running the streets, wanting to take his own life, to receiving the prestigious Presidential Lifetime Achievement Award in July 2022 and an Honorary Doctorate from Wagner University in October 2022.

2. Passion I know this young man I’m telling you about. In fact, that young man was me!

Passion says, “I am willing to endure hardships and suffer for what I want to achieve.” Passion always pushes.

Bethany Hamilton, Michael Jordan, and Oprah Winfrey are just a few names that people admire. Why? Because they live a life of passion.

If I can do it, so can you! Don’t quit. Keep going.

Find the right friends and let go of the ones keeping you down. Find a mentor. Behind every successful person is a mentor/ coach. Are you going to quit or keep going when things get hard? I’m cheering you on. Stay focused and keep going.

Passion does not mean being fired up emotionally, although it includes emotions. True passion means that a person is willing to push through hardships to achieve the goals they set for themselves.

After losing an arm to a great white shark, Bethany Hamilton returned as a professional surfer. Michael Jordan was cut from the varsity team and benched but kept playing to become the greatest of all time (G.O.A.T.) in the NBA. Oprah Winfrey grew up in poverty and abuse yet became the first black female news anchor. Passion pushes us to reach our goals.

3. Perseverance Perseverance says, “I’ve come too far to go back now.

I have a purpose I am passionate about.” Perseverance makes the sacrifice today to experience success tomorrow.

Remember, if you don’t quit, you win!

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“The advanced level is mastery of the basics.”

Ray Mancini, Martial Arts Master and Boxer

PERSEVERANCE AND THE POWER OF PRACTICE.

by Damon Gohata

“GOHATA! GO IN!” I excitedly jumped off the bench. We were trailing by two points with merely six seconds left on the clock.

It’d be epic to say that I was the star player and my coach trusted me to score and win the game. But the sad reality was that I usually only warmed the bench.

During basketball practice, I shot thousands of free throws. When I missed, Coach made me run sprints.

Sometimes, even if I successfully got the ball into the hoop, if it wasn’t a perfect “swish,” he still had me sprint.

I could’ve just jogged like the others, but I knew Coach had a plan. So, I pushed myself as hard as I could. He wanted me to be confident I could nail those free throws, even under insane pressure.

Halfway to the scorer’s table, I heard, “Actually, sit down.

Cooper, go in.” I then watched the final six seconds play out. Cooper, who got in instead of me, sank the winning three-pointer!

Then another game came up. I heard it again, “Gohata go in!”

And to top it off, my coach turned to me and asked, “Could you have made that shot?” My instant response was, “I don’t know.”

This was the big one—the game that might decide the league championship. It was seriously intense, and emotions ran high.

I didn’t get it back then, but Coach wasn’t out to make me feel bad. He saw something I didn’t. I WASN’T ready. Sure, I dreamt of making that winning shot and basking in the glory, but the truth was, I wasn’t totally confident I could pull it off. Even if I’d been on the court, I’d probably have missed, or more likely, not even taken the shot.

In the middle of the fourth quarter, we were trailing by fifteen points. When I got the call to jump in, we’d already started to bounce back with just eight points down and two minutes left. But then, after a controversial offensive foul, we lost our star player for the rest of the game.

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Then it happened. Wait! What’s going on? Coach signaled me to go onto the court at this pivotal moment. Was Coach giving up the game by sending me in, or did he know something I didn’t?

doing these chores. Daniel couldn’t understand why he had to do this stuff just to learn karate moves. Despite grumbling about it, he followed the instructions.

With time, doing these tasks helped Daniel build muscle memory in his arms and hands. When it came to making karate moves, those arm and hand actions he’d practiced became powerful defensive moves in a competition, helping him win! Those moves became automatic reflexes when he needed them.

We were down by just two points with ten seconds to go, and we had possession. A teammate took a three-pointer that could’ve put us ahead, but it rebounded hard off the rim into the backcourt. I was nearest to the ball, so I hurried to grab it, aware that time was running out. In the chaos of getting the ball, an opponent grabbed me, and the ref called a foul. If I could nail two free throws, we could tie the game.

You can probably see clips of this scene on YouTube under “Karate Kid, wax on, wax off” or watch the movie!

The other team’s band banged their drums. It sounded like thunder in the gym. In my head, I kept hearing the words “just like practice” on repeat.

The lesson here is that sticking with practice, even when you feel like giving up would be easier, is totally worth it!

Becoming a master at anything in life involves practicing, repetition, and doing the basics over and over, whether it’s mastering a physical skill or building mental strength and positive mindsets to help you achieve your goals and dreams. In the process, watch your confidence grow!

This time, I was confident and knew that if I shot the ball just like I did during practice, I could nail it—three dribbles and then the shot. The ball bounced several times off of the rim…then, finally, the ball fell through the net!

Then, I prepared for my second shot. Three dribbles.

Then the shot. The same result!

“Practice puts brains in your muscles.”

Sam Snead, Professional Golfer Becoming a master at anything in life involves practicing, repetition, and doing the basics over and over, whether it’s mastering a physical skill or building mental strength and positive mindsets to help you achieve your goals and dreams. In the process, watch your confidence grow!

We headed into overtime, and we won the game! Right after the buzzer went off to end the game, my teammates hoisted me up on their shoulders, parading me around the gym as we celebrated our incredible comeback victory.

WHOA! It was an incredible moment, but victory on the court would never have come without the hard work and struggle of practice.

Practice. Practice. Practice. In psychology, they say doing something over and over is a killer way to learn or remember stuff. Think about it: practicing is key to getting better at any sport or just life in general. Practice helps us to form new habits. Practice can help make actions so automatic that muscle memory kicks in without us needing to think about it. Practice enables us to master a skill, change a mindset, and promote success!

“If people knew how hard I had to work to gain my mastery, it would not seem so wonderful at all.”

Michelangelo Buonarroti, Famous Italian Sculptor and Painter “You become a master in what you repeatedly do in consistency. Mastery is not born; it is acquired.

It is not blood-linked; it is skill-learnt!”

Israelmore Ayivor, Youth Leadership Coach

Ever watched the classic original movie Karate Kid? There is a scene where the karate teacher, Mr. Miyagi, instructs his teenage student, Daniel, to wax his cars and paint his fences using specific moves. He describes the hand motions needed to ‘wax on’ and ‘wax off’ while

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THE RHYTHM OF REST While you are persevering through life situations.

It is important to take time to rest.

“Most of the things we need to be most fully alive never come in busyness.

They grow in rest.”

“Your calm mind is the ultimate weapon against your challenges.”

Bryant McGill, Social Entrepreneur

Mark Buchanan

SOME ‘RESTFUL’ ACTIVITIES YOU CAN START DOING TODAY! can refresh us physically, mentally, and emotionally. For example, you could take a walk, lie down and watch the clouds, watch the sunset, hike, or swim in the ocean or lake.

• Plan a quiet time, including journaling or reading (take a break from looking at your phone, computer, or television).

• Carve out regular, unplanned, and unstructured time to rest—a time to rest your brain and body.

• How about sitting or lying in silence daily for 3-5 minutes? Resting your mind can take effort but can give you a moment of rest for your brain and body.

• Plan a time for recreational rest! What do you like to do for fun? What activities do you enjoy doing that does not require a lot of energy?

• Aim to enter a restful place once a week to refresh and be healthy!

• Plan times to be in nature. Be in places with natural surroundings. Such activity

“Real rest feels like every cell is thanking you for taking care of you. It’s calm, not full of checklists and chores. It’s simple: not multitasking; not fixing broken things.” – Jennifer Williamson

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Don’t forget to breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe again.

Breathe.

BE FILLED WITH PEACE. Did you know that deep breathing can actually calm you down? It can help clear your mind and reset your brain. When we breathe normally, we rarely use our full lung capacity. Deep breathing gives our body a good dose of the much-needed oxygen to thrive.

TRY THIS RIGHT NOW: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Find a comfortable position.

Close your eyes.

Put one hand gently on your heart and the other on your belly. Take a slow, deep breath for about 3-4 seconds, inhaling through your nose. Your belly, not your chest, should expand.

Exhale slowly for 6-7 seconds through your mouth.

Repeat a few to several times, depending on how you feel.

Try doing deep breathing at least once to a few times throughout the day and see how you feel, especially when you are stressed!

TIP: You can practice deep breathing when you are waiting for someone or something or simply to take a brief break from an activity that you are doing.

TRY THIS ACTIVITY: 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Find a place to be alone and rest, preferably lying down.

Play some peaceful instrumental music.

Take three deep breaths, slowly exhaling. You could imagine a peaceful place in your mind.

Try not to think about things that cause you to feel anxious, such as dwelling on a problem.

Just rest and relax for several minutes.

After resting, you can journal any thoughts that come to your mind.

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JOURNAL

You are smarter

and stronger than

you realize.

Mindful Lettering: Trace the lettering. It does not have to be perfect. You may rewrite the phrase a number of times on the page. Enjoy the process of mindful lettering.

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FINDING REST AND IDENTITY IN A BUSY WORLD.

by Brett Nakasone

“Rest is where healing begins.

Rest is where growth takes root. Rest is where wisdom finds its voice..”

“Most of the things we need to be most fully alive never come in busyness. They grow in rest.” – Mark Buchanan

It’s crazy to think that in four years, I will be celebrating my 20th high school reunion. In case you are wondering, I (Brett) graduated in 2008, which means to many of you, I am now considered old. I remember those early mornings, like the 5:30 am workouts for baseball and the long days that followed with school, study hall, and practice. Then there were the late nights filled with dinner, homework, and talking to my girlfriend, often leaving me with just five hours of sleep. Life was a whirlwind, and finding rest seemed impossible.

When we strip away the distractions— no friends to talk with, no phone calls, no homework, no music, no books—we’re left with just ourselves.

This can be uncomfortable, facing our vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and brokenness. But it’s in these moments of solitude that we come face to face with our innermost thoughts and feelings, gaining strength and clarity for the journey ahead.

Back then, I didn’t fully grasp the importance of rest—not just physical rest but rest for my mind and emotions.

Our culture often glorifies busyness, equating a packed schedule with success. But deep down, many of us feel tired, not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

Inviting ourselves to explore the ugliest parts of our hearts requires courage.

It’s not easy to confront our flaws and insecurities, but it is necessary for true transformation. We need a new rhythm that disrupts our normal patterns and draws us closer to a state of peace and self-awareness.

We all need the emotional, mental, and physical strength to endure and persevere through challenging times. So how do we find strength and refreshment?

Because here’s the thing: change only happens through a certain level of commitment. Information without application leads to stagnation, but information through application leads to transformation. It’s the small daily decisions, rhythms, practices, and habits that make all the difference.

One approach is through solitude.

Taking time to step away from the noise and distractions of daily life can be incredibly rejuvenating. Solitude isn’t just about being alone; it’s about

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creating space to reflect on our lives and reconnect with ourselves.

I want to be conformed, shaped, and modeled into a better version of myself

so that I can be more compassionate, look at life with a gentler perspective, respond to the world with grace, and build, create, and cultivate under a guiding sense of purpose and love. But to do that, I have to look inward, meet with myself, stay grounded, and spend time in reflection. It’s through this that we develop a new disposition of our heart.

To truly find rest, we need to disconnect from these distractions and reconnect with what really matters. It’s not about abandoning social media entirely but about setting boundaries and being intentional with our time. Create moments of solitude away from the screen, where you can reflect and find true rest for your soul.

In today’s era of social media, finding rest is even more challenging. Our phones and social media apps are constantly vying for our attention, pulling us into a cycle of doomscrolling, notifications, and comparisons. The pressure to keep up with the latest trends, share the perfect moments, and stay connected with everyone can be overwhelming.

In a world that constantly demands our attention and energy, finding rest and our true identity is essential. This rest goes beyond physical relaxation. It’s a rest that renews our spirit, redefines our identity, and realigns our priorities.

So, as you navigate the busyness of your life—whether it’s school, sports, work, relationships, or the pull of social media—remember to take time for solitude. Create space to reflect, meditate, and rest. Allow yourself to transform from the inside out, shaping you into the person you strive to be. In this, you’ll find the true rest and identity your soul longs for.

Social media often leaves us feeling more connected yet more isolated than ever. We compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reels, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and loneliness. The constant barrage of information and the pressure to present a curated version of our lives can drain us emotionally and mentally.

RESTING IN NATURE. There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature— the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter.”

Rachel Carson Take time to rest in nature. When you gaze at trees, the ocean waves, flowers, or various animals, you can make connections to a meaningful message. For example, when looking at a huge tree, you could be inspired to be like a shade tree to people, being a safe place—like how the birds make their nests in the branches of the trees.

When looking at the vast ocean, you could get an inspirational thought that a problem you are wrestling with is actually a small thing in the context of the vastness of your whole life. We can gain positive perspectives when in the posture of rest!

We can soak in the beauty of nature through the sights, sounds, smells, and our sense of touch. Just being in natural surroundings can help reduce stress and anxiety and give us a sense of peace. For example, going on a hike, swimming in the ocean, or going on a boat ride can refresh our minds and reset our emotions.

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“Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.” – Albert Einstein “A sunrise or sunset can be ablaze with brilliance and arouse all the passion, all the yearning, in the soul of the beholder.” – Mary Balogh, Best Selling Author, “The earth has music for those who listen.” – William Shakespeare

“In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous.” – Aristotle

Are you a mountain person or an ocean person?

Where is your favorite place to be outdoors?

Envision your favorite place in nature. Describe the view, the sounds, and the smells in this place that you love: Why does this particular place bring you peace?

ACTIVITY Take a walk with your smartphone or camera. It could be around your neighborhood, at a park, or even at your school. Take a photo of something in nature that caught your attention. It could be a tree, a rock, a flower, a puddle of water—something in nature. When you have time, spend some quiet time looking at the photo you took and see what it communicates to you about that nature scene. Pay attention to the thoughts and impressions that come to you. Write your thoughts below:

I took a photo of a: Journal about what the photo represents to you:

Make it a practice to take a pause when you are in nature and when something grabs your attention. What are your eyes feasting on, and what are your ears hearing? What insights or thoughts do you have? Soak it in and enjoy.

“In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways and they’re still beautiful.” – Alice Walker

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Journal As we persevere, grit and character develop within us. A person with grit musters up the strength to persevere and is passionate and committed to the end goal.

Read the following quotes. What wisdom can you take from them? Journal your thoughts on how you connect their messages to your life.

“The only use of an obstacle is to be overcome. All that an obstacle does with brave men is, not to frighten them, but to challenge them.” – Woodrow Wilson, 28th U.S. president “You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” – Maya Angelou “Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it or work around it.” – Michael Jordan, basketball player

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Chapter 4: Stay the Course

• • • • •

ACTIVIT Y

Walk it out.

Born On Purpose.

Perseverance and the Power of Practice.

The Rhythm of Rest.

Finding Rest and Identity in a Busy World.

Resting in Nature.

Choose one or more action steps:

1.

3.

2.

4.

Find a quote that encourages you to persevere.

Frame it or put it on a Post-it note where you will see it regularly. Commit it to memory!

When persevering through hardships, it can help to keep goals and a vision for your future in mind.

Here are some practical steps that can help you keep moving forward and track your progress.

•

Write down your vision and/or end goals clearly on paper.

•

Break the goals into small steps and have daily or weekly goals you aim to accomplish. We naturally do not want to do things that make us uncomfortable or will challenge us, so taking small steps can be less intimidating and doable.

•

Find a quote that you can put to memory to help with keeping a positive mindset.

•

Be gentle with yourself when you experience failure or disappointment.

•

Celebrate your progress, even if you simply made it through another day without giving up!

Interview a person you know who has endured through a hard time. Hear their story. Sometimes, we need inspiration, wisdom, and counsel from someone who has endured a hard time.

Watch a movie based on a true story about a sports team or someone who experienced victory and success after a season of hardship. You can receive encouragement through a true story. To get some ideas, search the Internet for movies based on true stories of perseverance.

Journal the lessons gained through the movie.

The struggle is real, and so is hope.

Text 494949 to chat now | FREE Mental Health Chat Center | 24/7 for those over 13 years old.

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“It’s not only children who grow.

Parents do too.”

Joyce Maynard

Chapter 05

Parents and You

Picture this: your parents, once tiny, cute, wide-eyed babies.

Hard to imagine, right? Yet, they started just like you, with hopes and dreams shaped by their childhood experiences. When you were born, they were faced with the challenge of navigating the responsibilities of parenthood with their own imperfect pasts. Some parents have done wonderfully well so far, while others have not. Many parents are still growing and learning how to be better.

disappointments, gratitudes, and hopes to work through in time.

Viewing your parents through the lens of understanding can help you acknowledge their struggles and efforts—and it is a process.

It is common that many people’s emotional issues can be traced back to their relationship or lack of relationship with one or more parents. Therefore, with courage and an open mind, let’s dive into this next chapter and gain some helpful insights to help deal with our parental relationships in the best way possible.

This chapter explores the often complex relationships between young men and their parents. Whether your mom or dad is in your life or not, you probably have a number of longings, hurts, expectations,

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WHAT’VE MY PARENTS GOT TO DO WITH IT?

by Beth Bachran

Did you ever consider that your parents were once BABIES? Well, they used to be babies, and they used to be kids. Can you imagine that?! They used to be cute, little, innocent, wide-eyed, drooling little ones! They had hopes and dreams about what life could be like, as little kids should.

Maybe there are days when your parents are fun and enjoyable to be around, and life is good! (We all like to focus on those days.)

And maybe there are those days when you are sweet, kind, and helpful. What?!

But when they were kids, they may not have been parented perfectly. Let’s face it—who is parented perfectly? NO ONE! Their hearts may have been broken over and over by being misunderstood or hurt.

And then there are those days when you are ALL NOT connecting.

Maybe your parents

Both sides need to be patient and gracious. Your parents are probably doing the best with what they have… they are still in the process of growing and learning as well.

Relationships are a two-way street!

▶ were raised in a super strict home with harsh discipline. ▶ were rarely given love, kindness, or encouragement. ▶ were not given space to make mistakes. ▶ were not praised or affirmed. ▶ were abused and rejected. ▶ experienced various traumas—for which they still need healing. ▶ were abandoned by one or both parents. ▶ had parents who were so absorbed in their own struggles that they did not receive much attention.

Negative experiences can start layering on top of each other. It can be tricky to trust and give your parents space to fail. And it can be really hard to want to cooperate when they’re just not there for you in the ways you need them to be.

One thing you can do is care for your own heart. You can be there for yourself and remind yourself that you will never leave you. You will listen to your heart and learn to be honest with yourself… You can trust that the future will be full of good times (and difficult times too—because, hey, we’re human!).

They grew up the best way they knew how—just like you are doing now.

Fast forward. Now they are YOUR mom or dad. I know there are days when it seems that they JUST DON’T GET IT! There are days when they silently hope they will get it right, but they cannot read your mind any more than you can read theirs.

Conflict between you and your parents can hurt your heart… and it hurts their hearts.

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However, negative experiences can start to have a big effect on HOPE. For example: ▶ If your parents rarely provided for your needs, it may be hard for you to believe you will be cared for in your life. ▶ If your parents are usually mad and disapproving towards you, you may tend to believe that all people are looking at you with eyes of judgment.

▶ If your parents are not guiding you, it may be difficult to turn to other trusted adults because you are used to figuring things out on your own. ▶ If your parents do not show interest in your life, it may be hard for you to believe that others see just how wonderful you are!

Make space to forgive your parents for ways you feel they have failed you. This is something that will make you feel more peace and freedom. It’s not that they haven’t hurt you; it’s just that you have the ability to let some things go!

The following is an activity to practice some of these things…

On the positive side… if you have loving, supportive parents who are safe places for you to open up to, then it is probably easier for you to trust that the future will be safe.

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JOURNAL ACTIVITY 1.

Get a piece of paper.

2.

Journal by writing each parent a letter. *You will NOT be giving them this letter, so feel free to express yourself. The treasure will be how your heart will feel when you express things that you may not even know need to be written down on this paper.

Your letter might look something like this sample: Dear Mom/Dad, I never reflected on the fact that you were once a teenager like me.

One thing I need from you is

One thing I want you to know about me is (could be a dream of yours or anything you want them to know about you)

One reason I am thankful for you is

Make the words your own and express whatever you want! If your letter happens to be full of negative emotions and hurtful words you expressed, it’s ok. Did you know that when we express pain, it actually helps our brains feel less of it? That’s better than holding it in!

3.

Once you are done writing, tear the letter up and throw it away.

4.

If you’re brave, you might want to show your parents kindness and cooperation. Let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and try to believe they are doing their best (even though it may not seem like it).

Remember, your parents were once just babies who had to grow up!

If you want to, you may write a loving letter to your parents to give to them, expressing your needs, true feelings, dreams, thanks towards them, and positive desires for your relationship with them. This can feel like a big step! It’s okay if you’re not ready to be that open, but maybe pop that in the back of your mind and even think about this for the future. You are worth being heard and seen!

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JOURNAL

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My name is Merval Bud Phelan. It’s the name written on my birth certificate.

The Crow name given to me by my grandfather is Baawaalax’Baax’Be Eet’Koole Eeshakokaate,’ which means “Young man who carries the Holy Bible.”

“HELP ME. I DON’T CARE.”

by Merval Bud Phelan

Man! I was surprised and so disappointed when I was given this name! In my culture, your name IS who you are or who you will become—and at the time, I did NOT want to be that! Although interestingly, I did accept this name given to me later in life.

Here, I share my story of pain… and hope.

On September 10, 1994, I was born on the Crow Indian reservation in Montana. My mom was from the Crow tribe in Montana, and my dad was from the Hidatsa tribe in North Dakota on the Fort Berthold Reservation.

I was raised with lots of beliefs… and lots of cousins.

Growing up on the “Rez” in Montana was hard for me.

It was particularly hard because I grew up in a fatherless home. My dad, Gary Phelan Sr., died when I was three.

I don’t really remember him, but I oddly remember the day he died. The smell of the hospital, the sounds of my mom and four sisters wailing when being told dad died, and the lamp being left on all night because my siblings and I could not sleep without a light on for a while after he passed.

Growing up without a dad made me yearn for a mentor, friend, and uncles who cared—men who would show me the sacred way of being a man. Instead, I was left with an abusive older brother who was hooked on meth when he was eighteen. He taught me everything I knew in my younger years.

I started using drugs and alcohol at an early age. By the time middle school rolled around, I realized what I was doing was unbelievably bad. When I was in 5th grade, I was handcuffed and put into the back of a police car for beating up a kid who made fun of my mom. Having only one parent made me a huge “momma’s boy,” so I took it personally when she was made fun of.

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I had deep-seated anger and rage inside of me. My decision-making came from a place of bitterness. I didn’t care that being suspended from school became normal for me, along with detention and acting cool with my “hood rat” friends.

Be patient, as it can take time to find the right mentors.

Develop a willing, open, humble, and teachable heart.

I believe you will find mentors and coaches who will walk with you in life, whether just for a short season or for years to come!

Even while selling drugs, fighting, and rebelling during my middle and high school years, I secretly longed to have a dad who would show me how to be a man.

However, despite all the drama I created, I followed my Native traditions. I got into Native American cultural ceremonies and would talk to “Native American holy men” about life.

“Growing up without a dad made me yearn for a mentor, friend, and uncles who cared—men who would show me the sacred way of being a man

There were so many times when I was so hopeless and hardened that I didn’t care about a lot of things.

Remember, I was a fatherless child. I secretly longed to be fathered by a good, loving dad figure my whole life.

I decided to have a goal of finding a mentor who could coach me through life’s circumstances with wisdom that I didn’t have.

I found my first mentor unexpectedly when I became very interested in MMA. There was a 3-year span when I became obsessed with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and the man who taught me how to control my anger through this martial art form was a white man named Keith. To this day, I recall the helpful advice he gave to me years ago.

Presently, I have seven mentors, five of whom are very much father figures in my life. These men don’t model perfection, but they model the process of walking with integrity, confidence, a heart of service, and genuine care for others. They are examples to me of what a good and great man can look like. I no longer feel alone.

My encouragement to you is to seek out father-figure mentors who have character, integrity, and wisdom.

Search for mentors who want the best for you, believe in you, genuinely care for you, and are willing to invest in you. The role of a mentor is to help guide, protect, encourage, and strengthen you along life’s way.

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LETTER FROM A DAD What kind of a father did you have?

Loving?

Supportive?

Strong?

Irresponsible?

Abusive?

Absent?

Protective?

Controlling?

Uninvolved?

Hey guys, there are tons of different dads out there, and they’re all unique—strong in some ways, but they also have their flaws. No parent has it all figured out.

Each parent had their own deal growing up. Some dads are better at coping with emotions, while others might struggle with it. Some dads are quiet and keep to themselves, while others might be all about yelling and being in charge. Some get all the love and props from their kids, while others might have strained relationships.

Harsh?

Scary?

Now, if you are reading this and do not currently have a dad, you can relate this letter to a father figure in your life. Parts of this letter may still speak to those of you who don’t have a dad.

Hopefully, this apology letter can encourage you to grow, see things differently, or let go of some of the anger and pain that’s been holding you back.

Your dad may or may not think about what this letter expresses, but it’s meant to give you an idea of what a dad might feel and regret. It could help you figure out things and maybe find some ways to heal.

Some dads just didn’t learn how to be good fathers because of their own issues they never dealt with.

As you go through this following letter, some parts might hit home while others might not, and that’s okay. Your family situation is unique to you. This letter is to help you figure out if there are things with your dad that you might need to forgive. It’s a chance for you to think and feel like someone ‘gets’ where you are coming from.

This is from a real dad who’s been through it, reflecting on how he raised his son, hoping to make things right.

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THE APOLOGY: I’m Sorry My Son by Don Mayer Dear Son, I never wanted to be like my dad when it came to parenting, yet I ended up making many of the same mistakes he made—and for this, I apologize. When you were born, I wasn’t ready to be a father. But the truth is, no one is ever fully prepared because every child is unique. I wanted to raise you to be a good and strong man, but I failed to include you in the process. I rarely asked you what you wanted... I didn’t know how, nor did I put effort into learning how.

Will you please forgive me?

I tried to teach you strength by being what I thought was ‘strong.’ But in doing so, I made you feel like I didn’t care about you. Nothing could be further from the truth. I acted the way I did because I cared deeply for you. However, like many men, I corrected you with harshness and anger. As a result, you likely felt rejected and put down.

Will you please forgive me for all the times I hurt you?

There were moments when I was not there for you like I should’ve been. I was absent, and I might have caused you to feel abandoned, unwanted, not important, or rejected. My lack of interest in your life left a gaping hole in your heart, whether you realize it or not.

I missed many chances to celebrate all the awesome things about you. There were times when you needed a pat on the back, some advice, or just someone to tell you it was going to be okay... and I wasn’t there. It probably made you feel like you had to handle everything on your own.

Will you please forgive me for not being there for you when you needed me?

When two people don’t talk, things can get messed up really quickly. I misjudged you because instead of asking, I thought I knew what was up with you. I made too many guesses and assumed I knew what you were about. I should’ve given you the benefit of the doubt before jumping to negative conclusions. I am sorry that, at times, you felt that you couldn’t speak up and that your voice was not valued.

Will you please forgive me for the times I failed to really listen to you and acknowledge your voice?

I regret reacting out of my fears and insecurities, which caused me to try to control you or the situation in ways that weren’t healthy. I can see how my actions pushed us apart. Looking back, I realize I was stuck in this same fear and power struggle with my dad, which I ended up repeating with you.

Will you please forgive me for responding to you too many times from a place of fear?

Some might say being a man means never admitting mistakes, but that is a lie. Being a man means owning your mistakes and doing what you can to fix them.

As you grow into manhood, I hope you can break through the father/son barrier that separates many families. I ask you to see past my mistakes, not live in fear as I have, and learn to talk through difficulties with your future family.

Know that you have tremendous value, purpose, gifts, talents, and heart to impact people and the world around you in your own unique and special way.

Remember, a good, strong man is also a kind and loving man.

I love you, my son!

Your Father

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LETTER FROM A MOM The role of a loving mom is important.

In the animal kingdom, mothers primarily have the special role of nurturing and caring for their newborn babies.

Moms are meant to help their babies and children feel safe as they explore the world—like creating a safe home base where they can return for comfort and support.

While reading this letter, some parts might be relatable to you, while others might not, and that’s completely fine. Your family situation is personal and unique to you.

Reflecting on this letter, you may discover some things you may want to forgive your mom for.

There are loads of different kinds of moms in the world.

You’ve got the ones who have a positive, tight relationship with their kids. On the flip side, you might have the controlling, harsh, or strict ones. Some are very emotional, and then there are ones who are very distant and detached.

This apology letter is meant to encourage you to grow. It gives you an opportunity to gain a new perspective. Maybe it will help you to let go of some anger, disappointments, or pain that has been weighing you down.

Although your mom might see things differently than what’s in the letter, you will learn how a mom might feel and what she might regret. This is written by a real mom who is familiar with the regrets that mothers can have. Healing can happen in creative ways, and this may help your process.

Maybe you do not have a mom currently – but maybe you have a mother figure in your life. If you have a mom, what kind of relationship do you have with her?

Some moms have been through a lot in their lives, facing tough challenges and traumas that make it hard to be the best moms they can be.

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THE APOLOGY: I’m Sorry My Son by Michele Okimura Dear Son, I wanted to be a good mom to you when you were born, yet I know there were areas I failed you—and for this, I apologize. When you were born, you were a precious child deserving of comfort, nurture, love, and support. I know there were times I did not meet your needs for these caring actions as you were growing up.

Will you please forgive me?

There were times I corrected you harshly. As a result, you likely felt rejected, disrespected, and put down.

I should have been one to build you up with my words, even in the midst of discipline, instead of reacting out of my rage and anger. I regret not having more self-control.

Will you please forgive me for all the times I hurt you?

There were times when you may have wished I was there for you, but I was not. This might have caused you to feel abandoned, not important, or even rejected. My lack of interest in what was going on in your life left a wound, whether you realize it or not.

I missed moments to celebrate you and appreciate all the amazing and noteworthy things about you.

Sometimes you needed my hug, a listening ear, wisdom, or someone to reassure you that everything would be okay... and I wasn’t there.

Will you please forgive me for not being there for you when you needed me?

When two people don’t communicate, situations can get hurtful and messy. At times, I assumed negative things about you instead of checking with you if my thoughts were accurate or not. I should’ve thought the best of you before jumping to negative conclusions. If I could, I’d go back in time and be a better listener. I am sorry that, at times, you felt that you couldn’t speak up and that I didn’t value your voice.

Will you please forgive me for the times I failed to really listen to you and acknowledge your voice?

When someone is scared, people usually jump to the worst conclusions in their imagination, like picturing the worst-case scenarios! I realize that in those times when I was full of fear and anxiety, I tried to control and manipulate you with guilt and shame, which actually made things worse in our relationship.

I regret not giving you more grace and patience when you made mistakes. I realize I did not choose my battles well... you did not need ‘discipline’ or ‘consequences’ for every little thing you did wrong. There are some situations I really should not have gotten so upset about. I regret not making you feel that it is okay to make mistakes because that is how we learn. There were times when I should’ve just comforted and encouraged you instead of getting upset.

Will you please forgive me for the times I was too reactive and responded from a place of fear?

You are a young man who is a gift to this world. You are worthy of honor and respect. You have tremendous value, purpose, gifts, talents, and heart to impact people and the world around you in your own unique and special way.

I love you, my son!

Your Mother

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Journal Write your takeaways from this chapter on parents.

mindful doodling 88

Chapter 5: Parents and You

• • • •

ACTIVIT Y

Walk it out.

What Have My Parents Got To Do With It? “Help Me. I Don’t Care.”

Letter From A Dad. Letter From A Mom.

Choose one or more action steps:

“Once you realize how deeply those in your family may have hurt you, forgiving them may seem like the last thing you want to do. But, in fact, forgiveness is crucial to your spiritual and emotional health.

It is the key to freedom from the pain of the past.”

David Stoop, Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: The Definitive Guide

1.

Pick a parent or a parent figure in your life and write an appreciation note or text. It is customary to give a parent a nice card on their birthday, Mother’s Day, or Father’s Day, but it is a kind gesture to send them a special message for no particular occasion.

Express your gratitude for what good they are doing for you or have done for you. You can also add words to encourage them if they happen to be going through a difficult time.

2.

Think of some creative ideas to show love and lift up your parent or parent figure. Even if you are going through a tense or rough time with them presently, doing something loving can help you repair the relationship.

Here are some ideas: • • • • •

Purchase or make them a small gift.

Do a chore or service for them.

Simply give them hugs and say “I love you,’ regularly.

Express your appreciation for something they did.

Tell them what you like and love about them.

Giving them compliments or affirmations is a loving gesture, as words are powerful. You can start by

making a list of their positive strengths. We can focus on the negative weaknesses in others, but if we look hard enough, we will be able to see some good! Even parents need encouragement.

3.

If you have unforgiveness or resentment towards a parent or parent figure, you can decide to work on forgiving them. Review the first chapter on forgiveness in this volume for helpful tips.

If you are aware that you have hurt or offended a parent or parent figure in some way and you know you were wrong or didn’t handle the situation respectfully, you can humble yourself and ask for forgiveness for what you did that was not right. You can do your part in taking a step to heal the rift between you two.

You cannot control their response to your apology, but you can do what you can and be at peace that you tried.

The struggle is real, and so is hope.

Text 494949 to chat now | FREE Mental Health Chat Center | 24/7 for those over 13 years old.

1-888-373-7888 | Toll-Free Hotline | 24/7 89 | Confidential | Get Help. Report Trafficking.

“Community is much more than belonging to something; it’s about doing something together that makes belonging matter.”

Brian Solis

Chapter 06

Forged in Community Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room, longing for genuine connection amidst a sea of acquaintances?

This common yet isolating feeling reveals our deep human need for authentic community. But remember, you’re not alone in this feeling. We all long for relationships that combat the loneliness we sometimes feel.

Close relationships involve real, face-to-face interactions where we are genuinely seen, heard, and, most importantly, understood. It’s about feeling valued and truly understood.

Being part of a community can also help you feel part of something bigger than yourself. It’s about contributing to a cause, making a difference, and feeling purposeful in your actions.

Being part of a community can also help you feel part of something bigger than yourself. It’s about contributing to a cause, making a difference, and feeling purposeful in your actions.

In this chapter, we’ll explore how being “forged in community” shapes our character, gives us a place to belong, and helps us to grow and thrive.

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HOME.

by Joshua Ko

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“I have no friends...” Have you ever said that to yourself?

but I found that when you open up to people, they feel at liberty to do the same.

These are the words and feelings I once felt and expressed after coming home from a rough day at school.

As I returned back to school, I actually found a friend, someone who would later become my best friend, not because we had many things in common, but because he was honest and open to share some of his pain and struggles.

You see, that year was tough. Most of my closest friends had changed schools in the transition from middle to high school, and the “friends” that remained at my school were all getting into romantic relationships.

There were still many people around, but just because there were a lot of people around, that didn’t mean that they were all friends.

Challenge: Create Home Even though I felt alone, there were many opportunities for me to connect with others and live in a “community.”

I want to challenge you not to remain alone but to seek a positive, life-giving community. Find a group of people that will encourage and support you through the challenges of life.

How can I be surrounded by so many people yet still feel so alone?

Have you ever felt that way? The feeling of being around people but not having deep connections?

Be a safe place for others to be open, and open yourself up to them. As you build healthy, genuine relationships with others, you will experience a sense of home—a place to belong and a place where your contributions and presence are valued and important.

While you may have many “friends” and followers on social media platforms, there is still a deep desire for something more than just the superficial. While technology was created to assist inner connectedness, it can never replace the need for human interaction. It seems like everyone is there for the main events of your life, but when it comes to the daily or even the painful moments, everyone is gone. Here is the reality: we were created to have connection and community.

“There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no We were not meant to be alone, but as human beings, we thrive best when we are in healthy relationships community without where we have a sense of belonging. vulnerability; there Whether you grew up in a loving, stable, healthy family or can be no peace, and not, I believe each one of us has a desire to have a place called home where we are loved, appreciated, celebrated, ultimately no life, and challenged to grow. A peaceful, safe place. A place where people see the good, the bad, and the ugly sides without community.” of us yet still love us and want the best for us.

M. Scott Peck

The one thing that everyone shares is suffering. Life is full of peaks and valleys. The relationships that are genuine and true will endure through your deepest pain.

While there were a lot of people around me in my lonely season, I was the one who was not comfortable with people seeing me struggle. Of course, that is always risky,

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THE POWER OF COMMUNITY: FINDING ME IN THEM.

by Mark Stinton

One of the biggest reasons I found my calling was because I was part of a community of friends who showed me who I was even when I couldn’t see it myself.

I was once at a summer camp in 8th grade, and the speaker said a line I’ll never forget: “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.” I thought about it.

I didn’t have many friends, and the ones I did have didn’t exactly scream, “successful future.” I mean, they were great at the time. We played sports together, watched movies, cracked jokes, and had all the same interests.

But if it was true that my future was in their hands, I was in serious trouble!

fit in with others. This is precisely where peer pressure gets dangerous—at the point where we will do anything to be recognized, liked, and accepted.

This deep desire inside of me to be liked enticed me to follow the wrong people into really harmful behaviors. I actually got in trouble with the law twice. I found myself telling my parents, “My friends made me do it.” It was an excuse, but it was also slightly true. I was stuck in a jail cell, always trying to prove myself to others, even to the point of being arrested. I went to a private school, but even there, it was hard to find someone who really knew the real me. And until people could see me fully,

In high school, I was a pretty good dude. I was kind, friendly, and easy to relate to. The problem was that I wanted friends so badly that I started changing myself to

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I knew they wouldn’t be able to love me fully. It was love and belonging that I was after.

I want to share two big lessons I learned along the way with you:

I later went to college and, for the first time in my life, I met new friends who were thoughtful and sought a higher purpose in life. I grew super close to a small group of guys who cared about me, invited me to try new things, and got close enough to have deep, meaningful conversations about life. They were such good people that, over time, I started to become more like them. I sounded like them, acted like them, and little did I know, they started acting like me too.

First, envision who you want to be. ▶ Have you thought about WHO you will be in 5 years (not just WHAT you’ll be doing)? ▶ Are you becoming kinder as a person? ▶ Are you more confident in your strengths? ▶ Are you more patient and flexible? ▶ Are you more faithful and able to make good decisions?

Being a part of a community of friends has this powerful ability to meld different people into sameness. People knew us as a group more than who we were as individual people. I finally started realizing what that infamous phrase meant, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.” It is all about allowing yourself to be found in relationships with others.

Consider asking yourself, “Who am I becoming?” I am convinced that is the most important question of your life. Seek a community that shares your values and vision.

The comedian Steve Martin once said, “Be yourself’ is the worst advice. Especially when you’re young, you don’t know what your self is. It’s good to have a role model—a template that you can find your own authentic self within.”

When you walk confidently in your own skin, soaked in your own purpose, you will be free enough to encourage others in their purpose and calling, too. I am now a community leader who creates a place of community for others to belong, grow together, and step into their purpose.

Have you ever thought of a community of friends like that?

A place where you can get to know yourself better? These friends told me how smart I was, whereas my old friends used to tease me for being dumb. They encouraged me; they could see my strengths and abilities to help people, though I never noticed them myself. My old friends only ever talked about themselves.

There’s some ancient wisdom that says, “Bad company corrupts good character.” And also, “Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.”

For me, these friends in college were wise. They were good company, and I am so grateful for them because I wouldn’t be where I am in life if they didn’t give me the influence I needed to grow as a young man.

If you are struggling to find a community of friends—the kind that will make you a better overall human being— know you are not alone.

Having a little more clarity about yourself will help with the second nugget of wisdom: to be a good friend before you look for a good friend.

Don’t settle for no friends. Don’t settle for bad friends.

Be proactive in finding a community of people to belong to. We need each other.

“It is not more bigness that should be our goal. We must attempt, rather, to bring people back to the warmth of community, to the worth of individual effort and responsibility, and of individuals working together as a community, to better their lives and their children’s future.”

Robert F. Kennedy

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Mindful Lettering: Trace the lettering. It does not have to be perfect. You may rewrite the phrase a number of times on the page. Enjoy the process of mindful lettering.

Express what community means to you.

mindful doodling

Finding Community

“There is no power for change greater than a community discovering what it cares about.”

Margaret J. Wheatley

ACTIVIT Y

List the communities you are a part of. This could include groups such as: • School clubs: • Sports teams: • Performance groups such as a band, choir, or dance troupe: • Interest groups or classes: • Your family (especially if you have a close-knit family and extended family): • Your social group of friends: • Community and church organizations you are a part of or volunteer at: • Your workplace: • An online community: • Other: Briefly journal about the community you feel the greatest sense of belonging to and share why. If you have yet to find a place to belong in a community, then describe the kind of community you would want to be a part of in the future.

CREATING YOUR OWN COMMUNITY Being a part of a community that shares the same values and vision as you can be a life-changing experience. We can belong to different communities of friends at different times in our lives.

“There is immense power when a group of people with similar interests gets together to work toward the same goals.” – Idowu Koyenikan

Have you considered being proactive and creating a community yourself or with a friend? Consider being the leader or catalyst who creates a community and invites others to join. For example, you could invite others to gather around a certain interest, activity, or worthy cause.

Many hands make light work, and people can accomplish much more together with others than by themselves.

Take some time to dream. If you could create a community, what would its purpose be? What kinds of activities would you do together? How large would you want this community to be? Who would you invite to be a part of this?

Freely journal your thoughts and consider starting and leading this community when you feel it is the right time.

Remember, you can begin with small steps. If one other person joins you, that is a great start!

Even if you never start your own community, this activity will give you valuable insights into what to look for in a community you want to join!

Consider the following quotes: “It only takes one person to mobilize a community and inspire change. Even if you don’t feel like you have it in you, it’s in you. You have to believe in yourself. People will see your vision and passion and follow you.” - Teyonah Parris

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Journal Journal any takeaways from this chapter on being Forged in Community.

mindful doodling 98

Chapter 6: Forged in Community ACTIVIT Y

Walk it out.

• Home.

• Power in Community: Finding Me in Them.

Choose one or more action steps:

1.

Find out about local community events nearby and attend one you are most interested in. When you attend, notice the people running the event and how a group came together to serve others through this event. This may inspire you to volunteer to be a part of this community group or spark ideas to form a community of people to serve a need, create a specific support system, or start a club centered around a certain interest.

2.

If you are already in a community of friends, such as a sports team, a music class, or a school club, think of creative ideas on how you can contribute more of your gifts, talents, ideas, and abilities to better that community.

3.

Express gratitude to a leader who leads a community of people by writing a thank-you note, approaching them to thank them in person for their service, or emailing them a note. Express specifically what you appreciate about them. Leading a community of people takes perseverance and hard work to keep moving forward and maintain unity. For example, you could thank one of your teachers, a club advisor, a coach, a boss at work, or a parent trying to lead your family well. Your words and acts of kindness can strengthen and encourage them to continue.

If you are not currently involved in any community where you feel a sense of belonging, take action steps towards finding one, such as visiting a school club, community service group, charity, or interest group.

Explore to see if that community is for you.

The struggle is real, and so is hope.

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