Final-year students given complementary stiff drink with National Student Survey form

FOR most third and fourth years, reflecting on their university experience over the past couple of years seems to induce either a pulsing headache and/or something bordering on the traumatic. As such, alongside requesting feedback this year, the National Student Survey form provided respondents with a free shot of tequila to ease the pain of recollecting on their academic time at university. For many, this succeeded in evoking the nostalgic drunken haze endured for most of their time at Exeter; an experience that, rather than being the most fulfilling years of their life, turned into a blur of strike disruption, quarantines, lockdowns, and now more strike disruption. These blubbering third and fourth years have been left with little of their education intact, and hardly any prospect of real financial compensation, but the National Student Survey’s consolation effort of a free bottle of Jack Daniels will be as good a sticking plaster as any. According to a poll conducted by the Exeposé investigative team, many first and second years don’t dare complain of the disruption that the strikes will cause to their studies, fearing that their seniors will wave their walking sticks and yell “Kids these days should be more grateful!” before initiating their rambling memoirs about a life in Covid isolation. However, some were optimistic that the cost of living crisis, as one we are all facing together, may inspire students to unite and make their university experience the best it can be. The response from a final-year spokesperson? “Of course not, now leave me and my bottle of JD alone.”

Annabelle Law, Screen Editor

The council hopes this network of paths will encourage people to walk, or rather slide, instead of taking the car, reducing both air pollution and traffic. Of course, these superfast pedestrian lanes are quicker and more reliable than Exeter’s buses, with their average delay of two working days.

However, residents have raised concerns about the safety of these paths. One secondyear university student said that ice skating lessons should be provided in order to avoid people falling over and overwhelming the Royal Devon and Exeter Hospital A&E department with their injuries. Meanwhile, a frustrated Birks Grange resident compared the installation of one of the black ice lanes on Cardiac Hill to an Olympic bobsled track, suggesting that it would “make the sport of skeleton far more literal, as it’s only a matter of time before people start breaking theirs”.

One second-year university student said that ice skating lessons should be provided

When presented with these student comments, a University spokesperson was delighted, expressing their hope that it would lead Exeter students to success at the next Winter Olympics, which will be held in Italy in 2026.

Cuffing season partners prepare for last tearful shag before 15th February break-up

THE common perception of New Year is that it is all about making changes, getting rid of old baggage and moving on. Over the next few weeks, partners all over the nation will be turning to the people beside them, those who they went on cute winter walks with and watched cheesy movies under blankets with, and will be realising as the days get longer that they don’t want to spend these extra hours of sunlight together. Perhaps this is due to the panic of spending the holidays with their family, perhaps they only looked cute in a knitted jumper, or perhaps they can now actually afford to pay their heating bill. Whatever the reason, the winter fog of desperation and despair is lifting, and many are thinking of beaches, booze and bad ideas. While many cuffing season partners will gladly admit that it’s been a fun few months, in this new light (as we all realise with excitement it now gets dark at five instead of four!), all those cute little flaws in said partners seem like they might actually be giant red flags. Many have already started brainstorming their Hot Girl Summer Instagram posts, and now know what they have to do. When all of the Valentine’s gifts have been opened and all of the pictures have been posted, it’s time to turn to that special someone, look deep into their eyes and say those few little words they’ve been dying to hear: “I think we should see other people”.

Freda Worrell