Satire Controversial start for ‘Exemergency’

COMING off the successful launch of the government’s emergency alarm system (unless you’re one of the unfortunately ignored Three customers presumably left to single-handedly battle nuclear winter), the University of Exeter has started using its own emergency alert system to keep students aware of activities on campus.

The announcement of the new alert system — ‘Exemergency’ — was met by students with concerns about the extent of its use during the summer exam season, though university administration has assured students that the system will only be used for the most pressing matters. These fears, however, appear to be well-founded amid complaints that the system notifies students of every email from University Comms, Career Zone, and the Students’ Guild as well as many, many others. More concerningly, the system has developed a fault where students are reminded of the start of their exams and essay deadlines every two hours, regardless of when their exam may start.

This has all led to even more sleepless nights for students than already planned as they’re awoken at all hours of the day and night with a noise reminiscent of a war film. The Vice-Chancellor insists that the alert system is a complete success as it “ensures that students are reminded to engage with every aspect of campus life”. When Exeposé wanted to interview a particularly sleepdeprived student clutching a mathematics textbook, we were met with a blank, shellshocked stare and incoherent muttering. In the middle of our one-sided conversation, the alert system was once again set off, after which the student began a series of trauma-induced screams.

The only relief comes for Three customers, who are still exempt from the alert system.

Charlie Gershinson, News Editor