Family Centre to become postgraduate care home

Gravett Satire Editor

THE University of Exeter has quietly announced the demolition of the Family Centre on Mardon Hill, with works that began on the 20th February, and will continue for two weeks.

Nestled between the Institute of Arab and Islamic Studies and the illustrious Holland Hall student ac- commodation block, the Family Centre will be replaced with a luxurious, state-of-the-art care home, in accordance with existing government initiatives to build care homes wherever a spare patch of land becomes available, in order to accommodate the rapidly ageing population.

Earlygreys Care Home will cater exclusively to exhausted and prematurely aged PhD students, who have gone grey and developed wrinkles due to stress arising from overwork and poor pay. It will provide private, non-mouldy rooms for residents, fitted with orthopaedic chairs to accommodate and correct years of bad posture developed from slouching in front of computers, and boasts a state of the art academic library complete with That Specific Niche Book You’ve Been Looking For Everywhere. The canteen offers a nutritious and varied menu, with a different type of easy-to-wolf-downand-get-back-to-reading filled pasta dish for every day of the week, and the Earlygreys-Exeter Partnership will see residents using their leisure time to give back to the community, with classes such as knitting taught to provide a steady supply of warm blankets for shivering undergraduates facing the current cost-of-living crisis.

The fees for residency at Earlygreys are yet to be officially confirmed, but are projected to begin at approximately four times the average PhD stipend. Sorry.