student

housing officer in Guild Elections

IN a move he says is “definitely not performative or a blatant moneygrab” an infamous Exeter student housing boss has decided to run for the new Guild position of ‘Housing Officer’ in the upcoming Guild elections. Speaking to Exeposé, he claimed that he wanted students to see a “different side of him.”

“I know some students have the impression I’m a money-hungry landlord who charges them extortionate rents for tiny rooms, but I’m so much more than that.”

In a move which literally no one asked for, and which some students are calling “a bigger embarrassment than Matt Hancock going on I’m a Celeb”, the billionaire is seeking to rebrand himself as a champion of the student body. His personal statement describes him as an “outgoing individual who wants to make change at the University.” The state- ment did not reveal whether the intended change was a negative or positive one.

He went on to say: “There are so many different levels we can relate on. I sell houses infested with mould, you live in them. If you’re someone who tries to sell TP Wednesday tickets worth £2 for £200 you’ve basically got my business model down to a T!”

Although a little richer than your average candidate, the Guild has emphasised that he has the same chances as all the other candidates, and that there is no foul play involved. But the final line of his personal statement does read: “If you live in one of my houses and don’t vote for me, don’t bother calling about that mysterious rat infestation you get in a couple of weeks — we won’t pick up!”

Megan Ballantyne, Editor