Satire Running Up That Hill (A Deal with Shell)

Harry Craig Music Editor

THE University of Exeter has defended its recently announced partnership with Shell on altruistic grounds, claiming it aims to create technology that sequesters carbon dioxide emitted by exhausted students trekking up Cardiac Hill.

The research partnership with one of the world’s biggest greenhouse gas emitters had been heavily criticised for contradicting the University’s climate pledges. However, a spokesperson claimed that the project was actually aimed at reducing carbon emissions by combatting Devon’s biggest CO2 producer — freshers walking up Cardiac Hill.

Devon’s biggest CO2 producer — freshers walking up Cardiac Hill.

Although all students produce carbon dioxide when walking up the hill, freshers are the most egregious emitters, primarily because their ridiculously high alcohol consumption means their breath can contain up to five times more carbon dioxide than the average person. A 2021 report raised concerns that this would be the biggest obstacle to the University’s goal of achieving net zero by 2030.

The project has also caused massive opposition from residents of Birks Grange Village, located just next to Cardiac Hill, on safety grounds.

Guild Officer candidates eyeing prime ministerial job

IF the beginning of term two paired with exams isn’t enough excitement for you, the Guild elections process is beginning again! Typically intense, we lament the pending panpipes and nightmareinducing mascots roaming the floor of the Forum while flyers are shoved under our noses. “Vote for me now! So I can see you’ve done it!”

Typically intense, we lament the pending panpipes and nightmare-inducing mascots

Some may say the enthusiasm for the Guild elections would set the upcoming candidates in good stead to don a suit and take a seat in the lush paradise that is 10 Downing Street. As many are aware, the prime ministers are currently coming and leaving faster than an EURFC lad, so who better to fit the bill than these bright-eyed candidates, still with a shred of will left in them? Perhaps £150,000 a year would get them up and ready to take on more than just the Guild presidency; after all, these student loans aren’t going to pay themselves off.

With the Guild presidency race predicted to be fierce, dishy Rishi had better clutch that red budget box like his life depends on it if he doesn’t want a proletarian Exeter alumnus stealing his spot.

Gracie Moore, Lifestyle Editor

One disgruntled student claimed that the pressurised tanks that would store the sequestered carbon dioxide risked creating an explosion “worse than the World War II bomb” that was detonated nearby in 2021. An explosion is considered most likely in hot weather which, ironically, would be a greater risk amidst climate change-induced heatwaves.

Worse than the World War II bomb-

Meanwhile, activists from Just Stop Oil were forced to halt their planned protest on Cardiac Hill after discovering that the glue they used to stick themselves to the hill’s steep path wasn’t strong enough, and caused them to slip downhill.

Cleo Gravett