Satire Graduating to TP I

N the latest twist of the graduation debacle this year, the University has announced that ceremonies will now be held on the main dance floor of TP in between DJ sets. Moreover, grades will now be awarded based on dance moves, balcony appearances and the number of times you say “£5 is ridiculous but just can’t hack it downstairs.” ‘Bonus firsts’ will be given to the first ten people to get a selfie with every bouncer and hit the griddy with Lisa Roberts in upstairs Old Timers.

In a move blindsiding the Chapel Choir, ceremonies will instead be hosted by Mckkoi who, despite losing his voice after EGB, has promised that each certificate presented will be accompanied by a beat drop and his signature “oggy oggy oggy oy oy oy” chant. Alongside Mckkoi, the ceremonies will also include music from the Piano Man with son Toby accompanying him on the drums. Commenting on the move, the Piano Man underlined his discomfort about having to relocate from his natural reside of upstairs Old Timers stating, “I just hope there’s a plug socket up there.”

The announcement has received a mixed response from parents with some strongly in favour of the prospect of being allowed to club with their children. However, others are vehemently opposed with some even establishing the group: ‘Parents’ Irritation Surrounding Suspension of Exeter Day’ or PISSED for short. Karen Karenson, the leader of the group, suggested that “students should be less concerned with attending ‘Time Piece’ and be more focused on taking the time to have some peace.”

Joshua Hughes, Former Editor-in-Chief

Life’s a beach

PUBLIC health officials are growing increasingly concerned about the potential emergence of a new pandemic caused by the convergence of Exeter students’ pilgrimage to Exmouth Beach, and the pollution of Devon’s seas and waterways.

Although Exeter students are more familiar with TP referring to ‘Timepiece’, the university has warned of a different type of TP — toilet paper — making up the holy trinity of toilet paper, tampons and turds polluting Britain’s otherwise pristine coastlines. These are threatening to ruin not just post-exam beach trips, but perhaps the entirety of term 3, as pollution could create a new super-virus that could see Exeter returning to lockdown.

In response to accusations that they were responsible for the potentially pandemic-inducing contamination of Devon’s seas, South West Water said there simply “wasn’t enough spare money” from their £127.7 million of annual profits to invest in adequate waste management, with a spokesperson stating: “our shareholders are simply more important than public health.”

The potential new virus emerging in Exmouth has already been coined “Poovid-19”, although public health officials, including Chief Medical Officer Chris Whitty, were keen to downplay the severity of the threat. Whitty stated that although we must “stay alert” when swimming, it was not yet time to “stay home” from the beach, whilst disgraced ex-Prime Minister Boris Johnson was seen confidently shaking hands with swimmers at Exmouth Beach last week.

Harry Craig, Deputy Editor

Charlie Gershinson