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PUBLISHER James Howard EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Ray Roa DIGITAL EDITOR Colin Wolf FOOD CRITIC Jon Palmer Claridge FILM & TV CRITIC John Allman

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CONTRIBUTORS Jeffrey C. Billman, Caroline DeBruhl, Joe Newton, Stephanie Powers, Jenna Rimensnyder, Cory Robinson, Dan Savage

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Feckless Florida politicians enabled Trump’s insurrection, p. 11.

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n November, Joe Biden earned more than 51% of the vote, making him and Vice Presidentelect Kamala Harris the most popular presidential ticket in American history. But despite the Biden-Harris ticket earning 7 million more votes than he did, Trump has spent the weeks since whining and falsely claiming that he won all while escalating the calls for violence. Those dog whistles came to their latest climax last Wednesday when members of a violent mob egged on by Trump marched from the White House to the Capitol where they stormed congress and started a riot that’s left five people—including a member of the Capitol police force—dead. Another member of the Capitol

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police who responded to last week’s melee died by suicide on Saturday. On the very same day of the police officer suicide—despite all the xenophobia, lies and general buffoonery of the last four years—Trump supporters gathered on Saturday, to drive across the Howard Frankland Bridge and wave big, dumb Trump flags across Tampa Bay. There was one other photographer wearing a “Black Lives Matter” mask out there to check out the trainwreck, and Creative Loafing Tampa Bay photographer Dave Decker said the crowd was devoid of sad, toxic male energy that usually marks gatherings like this, but, for now, that’s still not gonna stop Biden and Harris from being sworn into office on Jan. 20.—Ray Roa

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INSURRECTION POLITICS

ISSUES

OPINION

Feckless Floridians

Never forget the elected officials who enabled Trump’s attack on America. By Colin Wolf

Twitter hypocrites Plenty of Florida Republicans, who just days prior either joined baseless lawsuits to overturn the election results or selfishly announced they would vote against certifying Joe Biden’s victory for no reason other than to score points with Trump’s deranged base, were among these politicians asking the hoards of QAnon followers, white supremacists, and other fringe far-right groups to stop ripping apart federal buildings. Florida’s attorney general, Tampa’s very own Ashley Moody, posted to Twitter on Jan. 6, saying “We are a nation founded on a rule of law and respect for those who uphold it. Violence against law enforcement officers attempting to keep the peace is unacceptable and anyone who attacks an officer should be brought to justice.” The is the same person who, in December, filed a brief supporting a lawsuit seeking to invalidate election results. And let’s not forget the role Florida’s last AG, Tampeño Pam Bondi, played when she tried to help Trump prove voter fraud in Pennsylvania. Then there’s Rep. Byron Donalds—a Naples Republican who let it be known that one of his first acts as a U.S. congressman would be to vote against certifying the electoral results—who tweeted, “Americans have the right to peacefully protest & demand their government works for them—that doesn’t mean we resort to violence. Rule of law must stand during our nation’s

brightest & darkest hours & that includes right now. We are better than this. There is no place for anarchy.” Similarly we have Rep. Brian Mast, a Stuart Republican who just three days before said he wouldn’t certify the election results for seem-

AGASHLEYMOODY/TWITTER

he inauguration of Joe Biden is supposed to happen before next week’s issue of Creative Loafing Tampa Bay hits newsstands, but as last Wednesday’s attack on the Capitol illustrated, for the first time in 220 years there won't be a peaceful transition of power. By now, everyone not obsessed with doxxing their local antifa chapter head knows that hoards of Trump supporters-turned terrorists fought with law enforcement officers and broke into the nation’s Capitol on Jan. 6. At press time, five people, plus one member of the Capitol Police who died by suicide on Saturday, are dead as a result of the terrorist attack. And as expected, just about every politician took to Twitter to condemn the violence as it unfolded, including the ones who literally inspired these lunatics in the first place.

their own burning outhouse, include Mario DiazBalart, Matt Gaetz, Kat Cammack, Neal Dunn and Michael Waltz. Over the last month, every one of these politicians, in some way or another, made the point that the 2020 election was stolen, despite zero evidence, tossed lawsuits and pleas from their own party to stop before someone gets hurt or killed. None of this is surprising. For weeks, Trump supporters said they would do this, and then they did. And, now there’s a photo of a deranged QAnon shaman standing

ISSA MOODY: Tampa’s own Ashley Moody is among the hypocrites who led Trump supporters to believe the election was stolen. ingly no reason other than out of spite, tweeted: “Attacking our Capitol and the selfless law enforcement officers defending it is as unpatriotic and appalling as it gets. The people who are doing that must stop so we can return to our democratic process!” Other feckless Florida politicians who took to Twitter on Jan. 6 to distance themselves from

at the podium in the Senate chamber, which is arguably the most fitting image for the modern Republican party. Scott’s shitposting Notably, there was also Sen. Rick Scott, who earlier on the day of the insurrection said he would “likely” not certify the election results

despite Mitch McConnell saying he should. “Thank you to the Capitol Police officers who protect us and our institutions every day,” tweeted Scott. “And thank you to all law enforcement working to keep people safe in DC. Everyone has a right to peacefully protest. No one has a right to commit violence. What happened today at the Capitol is disgraceful and un-American. It is not what our country stands for.” By Jan. 8—after Trump used his since deactivated Twitter account to write, “To all of those who have asked, I will not be going to the Inauguration on January 20th”—Scott was pleading with Trump to attend Biden inauguration. “He is, of course, not constitutionally required to attend, and I can imagine losing an election is very hard, but I believe he should attend,” Scott wrote, leaving out the fact that he voted to invalidate electors in the presidential election. “I plan to attend and believe it is an important tradition that demonstrates the peaceful transfer of power to our people and the world.” The Florida 13 Unsurprisingly, despite all of the seditious attacks on democracy all encouraged by Trump just hours before, 147 Republican lawmakers still stood by their decision to stand in the way of certifying the presidential election, and perpetuate a lie that ultimately ended in violence. After the fascist mob was cleared from the Capitol, the House reconvened and rejected the Arizona challenge by a vote of 303-121 and the Pennsylvania challenge 282-138. These 13 Florida Republicans who, despite the first non-peaceful transfer of power in 220 years because of Trump’s baseless rhetoric, still voted to sustain one or both objections: Rick Scott, Matt Gaetz, Carlos Gimenez, Brian Mast, Bill Posey, John Rutherford, Greg Steube, Daniel Webster, Byron Donalds, Mario Diaz-Balart, Kat Cammack, Neal Dunn and Scott Franklin. The decision to support a failed Trump-led coup has resulted in progressive lawmakers demanding accountability for GOP colleagues complicit in the attack. Rep. Cori Bush (D-Mo.) plans to introduce a resolution calling for the expulsion of lawmakers who “incited this domestic terror attack through their attempts to overturn the election... They have broken their sacred Oath of Office... I will be introducing a resolution calling for their expulsion.” continued on page 12

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Matt Gaetz cites fake report blaming antifa for Capitol attack There’s a special place in the Liar’s Hall of Fame reserved for Gaetz who propped up what remained of his human form on the House floor and rather than point out the obvious, blamed Democrats and the antifacist group antifa for the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol. “This morning, President Trump explicitly called for demonstrations and protests to be peaceful. He was far more—you can moan and groan—but he was far more explicit about his calls for peace than some of the BLM and leftwing rioters were this summer when we saw violence sweep across this nation,” Gaetz said. The Fort Walton Republican then cited a report from the Washington Times that suggested antifa was involved in the assault on the Capitol. “I don’t know if the reports are true,” said Gaetz, “but the Washington Times has just reported some pretty compelling evidence from a facial-recognition company showing that some of the people who breached the Capitol today were not Trump supporters. They were masquerading as Trump supporters. And in fact, they were members of the violent terrorist group, antifa.” The problem, as Buzzfeed pointed out, is that the story from Washington Times is completely fabricated and ended up being taken down. Of course, none of this matters, since Gaetz wasn’t alone in perpetuating this lie that antifa was somehow involved, and ultimately did what he came to do, which was to place a meaningless but symbolic vote to overturn the results of the 2020 presidential election. But this isn’t the first time Gaetz has exposed his whole ass to support President Trump. One time, he defended Trump’s “shithole countries” comment by saying Haiti was just sheet metal and garbage. In the past, he's tried to blame George Soros on the migrant caravan, and Gaetz even downplayed coronavirus by jokingly wearing a gas mask on the House floor. Really, this list can go on forever. Coincidentally, the congressman’s own sister took to Twitter on Jan. 6 to urge Republicans to stop perpetuating this “garbage,” and accept reality. “A lot of Republicans — and a lot of Trump supporters, specifically — don’t support this garbage. Moreover, they live in reality and know Trump lost,” tweeted Erin Gaetz, who runs the digital content firm Southpaw media. “If you are one of those people, now is the time to speak up. Denounce this in the strongest, most unequivocal terms. Don’t wait.” Unfortunately, her dear brother Matt was not one of those people, and ended his time at the podium still declaring that the election was rigged without a shred of evidence. “States that do not run clean elections should be stripped of their electors,” Gaetz said. “This fraud was systemic. It was repeated.

It was the same system, and I dare say it was effective.” DeSantis’ dig Not one to be left out, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis—a Trump lapdog who as of press time has yet to acknowledge President-elect Joe Biden as the winner of the Nov. 3 election—announced that he wanted to soften the anti-riot legislation he rolled out after BLM protests made white, possibly racist, Republicans uncomfortable over the summer. As the News Service of Florida (NSF) pointed out, on Jan. 7 “Florida GOP House and Senate leaders rolled out a revamped version of the anti-riot proposal that would create a host of new crimes, crack down on protests and make it difficult for local government officials to trim spending on law enforcement.” State Sen. Shevrin Jones, a Democrat from West Park, said the governor’s original plan was geared toward protests that arose following the police-involved deaths of George Floyd in Minneapolis and Breonna Taylor in Atlanta. “And now it seems that the gears changed with what happened yesterday at the Capitol,” Jones, who is Black, told NSF.

“But did it really take a group of domestic terrorists to storm the U.S. Capitol who are not Black and brown for them to recognize that was wrong? Crist’s calls Besides Missouri’s Cori Bush, plenty of local Democrats took stands against the violence they’d been ringing the bell about for weeks. On Jan. 7, U.S. Representative and former governor of Florida Charlie Crist, a Democrat from St. Petersburg, called for the 25th Amendment to be invoked and Donald Trump to be removed as president. Crist was uncharacteristically blunt in a Twitter post late in the afternoon on Jan. 6, in the immediate aftermath of Trump supportersturned-domestic terrorists rioting and storming the nation’s Capitol.

“The 25th Amendment allows for the removal of a President. It’s time to remove the President,” tweeted Crist. The 25th Amendment to the Constitution allows for the president of the United States to be removed from office if he is deemed unfit for office by both houses of Congress. The vice president would then assume office.Crist, a former Republican, is among the first in Congress to call for the 25th Amendment to be invoked. As this went to press, the New York Times was reporting that even “Senator Mitch McConnell is said to believe that the i mp e a c h m e nt effort will make it easier to purge President Trump from the party. Sadly, we’ll probably be writing about some new outrageous event in next week’s print edition.

“Every one of these politicians made the point that the election was stolen, despite zero evidence, tossed lawsuits and pleas from their own party to stop before someone gets hurt or killed.”

MATTGAETZ/TWITTER

continued from page 11

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GAETZ IS HELL: Florida’s real life Beavis is a star among insurrection enablers.

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DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO: The Trump cult won’t go quietly, even if its leader does.

JOYCE N. BOGHOSIAN

Insurrection questions

The failed putsch changed everything, so what exactly will change? By Jeffrey Billman

ver the break—and before MAGA terrorists stormed the Capitol—I published the first of a two-part column. Last Wednesday obviously upended my plans for this week’s column. In the moment, it’s difficult to know whether seemingly transformative events will transform anything. Intuitively, however, this feels like an inflection point. The authoritarian current flowing through the Republican Party was displayed on our national mantlepiece. How we confront it will be a defining story not only of 2021 but of the decade to come. So, I’m wondering... Will Republicans back impeachment? No sooner had Wednesday’s putsch failed than the same Republicans who’d tried to disenfranchise millions of voters complained about how “divisive” it would be to impeach Donald Trump. Spare me. A Senate trial probably won’t come until after Trump leaves office, but it will put on record which politicians believe violent insurrection comprises an acceptable form of politics. Will Trump be held accountable? No president has left in his wake a trail of obvious criminality like Trump: tax fraud, obstruction of justice, bribery, campaign finance violations, election tampering, and, possibly, incitement. Trump might pardon himself—which Biden’s Department of Justice would likely test in court—but there’s nothing Trump can do to stop New York from filing state charges. A prosecution would also be “divisive.” But letting Trump slide in the name of “unity” would only signal future demagogues that there are no consequences for their actions.

Will the GOP face a reckoning? The Capitol coup was the dog catching the car, the culmination of Republican obsequiousness to reactionary populism. A few Republicans seemed to grasp the Faustian bargain they’d made. Catering to the MAGA crowd will lead the GOP into a radicalization death spiral—and do irreparable harm to the country along the way. Standing up to them, however, will mean primary challenges they might not survive. Who will become the GOP’s leader? Insurrectionist Senators Josh Hawley and Ted Cruz went all-in on Trumpism, but they’ve become piranhas on the Hill and with corporate donors. Other 2024 contenders have positioned themselves as traditional conservatives or are trying to thread a needle between MAGA and the Chamber. These internecine battles won’t necessarily predict the next nominee, but they will offer hints about how the Trump movement’s future will be in the post-Trump era.

is their enemy, their media ecosystem contains few incentives to rein in misinformation unless compelled by outside pressure. Will social media act more responsibly? Post-insurrection—and, conveniently, post-election—Big Tech deplatformed Trump and his most deplorable supporters. Facebook temporarily banned him, Twitter permanently. Apple and Google Play booted the cesspool Parler from their app stores, and Amazon Web Services announced it would no longer host the site. In bowing to public pressure, the companies grabbed low-hanging fruit. But these sites remain mechanisms for spreading conspiracy theories, misinformation, and organizing violent actions—and for other world leaders to suppress dissent. Will Democrats strengthen democratic institutions? Even before Nov. 3, American democracy faced a legitimacy crisis: Through anachronisms like the Electoral College and the increasingly white, rural bias of the Senate—as well as gerrymandering and voter suppression—our system failed to translate majority beliefs into majority policies. Democrats have several ways to fix it: automatic voter registration, reestablishing the Voting Rights Act, clarifying the Electoral College Act, and granting Puerto Rico and Washington, D.C., statehood, among them.

INFORMED DISSENT

Will conservative media act more responsibly? You’d think—hope, anyway—that spewing conspiratorial nonsense that got people killed would prick a news executive’s conscience. But Fox News dabbled in reality after the election only to watch the Trump hordes defect to the no-fucks-given insanity of OANN and Newsmax. And right-wing websites learned long ago that there are few social media shares in responsible journalism. Having spent a generation telling conservatives that fact-based reporting

How quickly will the pandemic be controlled? Biden pledged to immediately release the government’s supply of vaccines and distribute 100 million vaccines within his first 100 days. The former is a risky strategy that could delay booster doses, the latter a heavy lift considering the disaster Biden will inherit. Biden says he’ll invoke the Defense Production Act to speed up vaccine

production, but he’ll need help from Congress to get needles in arms. How will Biden approach China, Iran, and Russia? Trump started a clumsy trade war with China, blew up the Iranian nuclear deal, and sucked up to Vladimir Putin. None of these things worked out well. Biden will likely stake out a more flexible but still aggressive posture toward China; seek to join the Iran agreement, which won’t be easy; and develop the kind of clear-eyed, coherent Moscow strategy Trump never had. At the same time, he’ll have to repair the considerable damage Trump has inflicted on international relations. What lessons did Biden learn from 2009? Biden had a front-row seat when Republicans blocked everything the Obama administration proposed, so he should know the kind of obstruction he’s about to face and how to beat it—not by spending months trying to win over one Republican in the name of bipartisanship, as President Obama did, but by ramming through as much as you can as fast as you can. Whether a bill passes the Senate by one vote or 20, it still becomes a law when he signs it. Can Biden’s center hold? Biden will take the oath a more precarious moment than any president since FDR: 4,000-plus COVID-19 deaths a day and an economy sliding back into recession; a polarized, dysfunctional government; a sociopathic predecessor who incited an insurrection; radicalized, authoritarian opponents and an electoral system rigged for their pleasure. Put another way, he’ll inherit a shit show inside a clusterfuck inside a dumpster fire—a Russian nesting doll of crises. Things will go sideways, and whatever honeymoon Biden gets won’t last long. Get more Informed Dissent delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe today at billman.substack.com.

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Third eyes fourth

St. Petersburg bartender Clifford Hobbs III enters District 4 City Council race.

lifford Hobbs III, a 40-year old bartender and chef who works along Beach Drive, has officially launched his 2021 campaign for the St. Petersburg City Council District 4 race. Hobbs told Creative Loafing Tampa Bay he felt fearless when he made the decision to run for the city council in July—even amidst a tumultuous summer of Black Lives Matter protests for racial justice, a global pandemic, and a buzzing 2020 election cycle. Using the slogan “3 for 4,” Hobbs launched his campaign with a vision for how he hopes to uplift the city’s economic development and unify the city’s diverse communities. From his campaign website, the core issues of his platform include: improving the city’s public infrastructure and roads; expanding affordable housing options for all; advancing economic revitalization in the service and tourism industries; economic recovery for the hospitality, tourism, and gig industries post-COVID; decreasing the city’s poverty rate; and bridging the social and cultural divides between St. Pete’s diverse communities. “In a place as diverse as St. Pete, it’s imperative that our leaders unite our communities and ensure that everyone in our city is able to be involved in the growth of our economy,” Hobbs said in his campaign’s first press release. Unlike his sole opponent in the District 4 race, small business owner Wendy Wesley, Hobbs did not grow up in St. Petersburg. Originally from Des Moines, Iowa, Hobbs moved across the South for school and work, moving from Texas to Atlanta, Georgia before moving to the Sunshine City six years ago. Hobbs described this final move from Atlanta—a city that was on the forefront of the Civil Rights Movement—as something of a culture shock. “During my time in Atlanta, as a young Black-gay man, I saw my true potential because of the numerous examples of successful Black men I saw every day,” said Hobbs. “I witnessed so many thriving Black men of various complexions, backgrounds, gifts and potentials and they were all valued,” he says. But when he began his job as a chef in St. Pete, Hobbs noticed that he was usually the only Black male in a leadership position.

“Most of my brothers were working the backbreaking positions with no hope or opportunity for advancement.” He added, “Yet, I knew they were capable of so much more and deserved better.” Hobbs told CL that the murders of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd by police officers—and the resulting protests—contributed to his decision to run for city council earlier this year, in addition to the 2020 election cycle and the coronavirus pandemic. Hobbs said he would see local Black Lives Matter protesters march down Beach Drive, where he worked, and was able to witness for himself the dichotomy between the message of those who marched for racial justice and the reactions of his establishment’s patrons. As an onlooker to these sometimes heated interactions, Hobbs said, “I felt as If I could be a bridge between the two tribes [and] bring understanding where there was none.” Video footage from the Tampa By Times of one such interaction between diners and demonstrators on Beach Drive’s restaurant row in September ended up going viral. Hobbs is running to represent a district in St. Petersburg that is majority white, but he doesn’t see this as a challenge to his campaign. Bridging divides within the city’s diverse communities—whether they be racial, ideological, or economic—is a centerstone of his decision to run. And he believes his two decades of experience in the service industry will support that mission. “You deal with a multitude of personalities, backgrounds, beliefs and demands,” he says, of his profession. “And it’s imperative that you give each person the same level of service. Listening, delivering, and the anticipation of needs are tools necessary for success in both the service industry and on the council.” Hobbs says he’s proud of who he his—the identities he occupies as a Black, gay man with a service background—and believes the city council should reflect the city’s diverse communities. But equally as important, Hobbs brings to his campaign a vision for what he wants to do to improve the social and economic conditions of his district, in part by fulfilling “empty promises” of past city leadership.

ELECTIONS

“Hobbs is running to represent a district that is majority white, but he doesn’t see this as a challenge to his campaign.”

3FOR4STPETE/FACEBOOK

By McKenna Schueler

HE WANTS YOU: Well, technically, Clifford Hobbs III wants the fourth district. One key example of this, he says, is providing economic development and support for the neighborhoods and businesses that used to inhabit the site of the city’s Tropicana Field, built in 1982. Prior to its construction, Hobbs laments, it “was the home of many thriving Black businesses, theatres, churches, restaurants, and families.” In 1979, the city proposed a plan to build an industrial park to bring jobs and dollars into the community, as well as affordable housing. However, this did not come to fruition, and instead the city got the sprawling Tropicana Field development, which displaced prior inhabitants. And since 1998, it’s been the home of the Tampa Bay Rays baseball team. “While we can’t bring back the history that was lost,” Hobbs said, “We do have an

opportunity to make good on the promise for economic development and affordable housing for the descendants of that neighborhood.” Plans to redevelop the Tropicana Field site are currently underway, with the Tampa Bay Rays’ lease expiring in 2027 and no final say yet on whether they plan to stay. City residents have voiced priorities for the project that range from supporting job creation, developing a new ballpark for the Tampa Bay Rays, to honoring the legacy of the city’s Black community. Hobbs’ opponent, Wesley, filed to run for the city council back in August, and is running on a platform of boosting small businesses and addressing disparities in health, housing, education, and access to food among the city’s residents.

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Green machine

Publix heiress donated $110,000 to Georgia GOP Senate candidates. By Colin Wolf

ublix founder George Jenkins died in 1996, but his wealthy, mostly Lakeland-based children, are still very much involved in the political arena, including dumping hundreds of thousands of dollars into Georgia’s hotly contested Senate race—which Democrats won anyway.

self-described “proud NRA sellout” Adam Putnam’s campaign for Florida governor. There’s also the Lakeland-based grocer’s very on brand history of fighting minimum wage increases, suing cities that try to ban single-use plastic, and refusing to cover “pre-exposure prophylaxis”(or PrEP) drugs that prevent HIVnegative people from contracting the virus simply because they didn’t want to. And local GOP groups feel comfortable gathering at Publix parking lots, too. On the morning of last week’s insurrection, the Republican Party officially lost the Senate, the House and the Presidency in what is arguably a massive rebuke of the Trump Administration’s four years of chaos. To mark this historic loss, the Hillsborough County Republican Party gathered at a Publix in Carrollwood Wednesday to wave flags and further deny their leader’s political shrinkage. While many Trump supporters, white nationalists, QAnon conspiracy theorists, and other fringe far-right characters gathered in Washington D.C to “Save America,” local MAGA groups joined them remotely and did what they know best: waved flags on the side of the road. So, on insurrection day, the Hillsborough County Republican Party, which also witnessed sweeping defeats this fall, gathered at the corner of Dale Mabry and Lake Carrollwood Way, in front of the Carrollwood Publix. “If you can’t get to DC or your State Capitol, support President Trump and the GOP reps who are continuing to fight for Election Integrity!” said a Facebook post from the group. “Will be there in spirit! Cannot in person as have broken leg & hip” said the only commenter.

ELECTIONS

A review of Federal Election Commission (FEC) records showed that a Jenkins offspring, former chairwoman of Publix Carol Barnett Jenkins, donated a total of $110,000 to Georgia Republican election efforts in 2020. According to FEC filings, on Oct. 16 Jenkins made a $10,000 donation to Sen. David Perdue’s PAC, Perdue Victory Inc. Then, on Nov. 17, Jenkins dumped another $100,000 into the Senate Georgia Battleground Fund, which benefits both Perdue and Republican Sen. Kelly Loeffler and has so far spent over $50 million in advertising for the Georgia GOP’s voter turnout operation. This isn’t the first time Carol Barnett Jenkins has dumped an insane amount of money into a political fight. In 2016, she also donated $800,000 to a conservative-led campaign fighting to keep medical marijuana illegal in Florida. Of course, pumping money into politics is not unusual for the George Jenkins family tree. According to the Miami New Times, multiple Publix offspring have maxed out federal donations to Trump’s 2020 campaign, including the founder’s other daughter Julia Jenkins Fancelli and his grandchildren Gregory Fancelli and Leslie Fancelli Sonatori. Plus, as a company, Publix has a long history of donating to conservative politicians, like in 2018 when it donated an unprecedented $670,000 to

“ ...multiple Publix offspring have maxed out federal donations to Trump’s 2020 campaign.”

WHERE SHOPPING FUNDS THE GOP: Pumping money into politics is not unusual for the George Jenkins family tree.

cltampa.com | JANUARY 14 - JANUARY 20, 2021 | 19

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MICHAEL M. SINCLAIR

PARTY’S OVER: Scene’s like this one from May 8, 2020 in Ybor City, Florida could get alcohol licenses revoked.

Four strikes, and you’re out

Tampa to revoke alcohol permits from repeat COVID-19 ordinance offenders. By Ray Roa

ith COVID-19 cases on the rise statewide—and local hospitals beginning to see more admissions related to coronavirus—the City of Tampa has announced plans to begin pursuing the suspension and revocation of the alcoholic beverage permits of businesses which repeatedly violate city and county COVID19 emergency orders regarding face coverings and alcohol sales. In a 3:26 a.m. press release sent last Wednesday, the city wrote that “repeat offenders (2 or more citations)” will be affected and that notices of intent to suspend and/or revoke permits will go to both the business and property owner. “The City is authorized under Section 27-318 of the City Code to take action against alcoholic beverage permittees and owners of property from which alcoholic beverages are sold and/ or consumed,” the release said. “This enforcement action is in addition to citations that have been, and will continue to be, issued by Code Enforcement and the Tampa Police Department.”

Since mid-December—when Tampa Mayor Jane Castor announced that the City of Tampa would begin cracking down on local businesses that flout local social distancing and mask restrictions—several bars have been cited by code enforcement for mask and dance floor violations. On Dec. 18, City of Tampa spokesperson Ashley Bauman told Creative Loafing Tampa Bay that MacDinton’s in South Tampa, plus Ybor City’s King Corona, Mojito House and The Purple Heart, all received $150 fines. Later that same week, the city issued eight more citations, including first offenses to Yard Of Ale, Qvesoir, West Ybor Barterhouse, downtown Tampa’s Dio Modern Med, 7th + Grove, Tangra and La Herencia De Ybor. Ybor Cigars Plus, which includes Mojito House, was issued a second citation. In another text message to CL, Bauman added that on Dec. 26 more enforcement happened, with two mask violation citations issued for Tangra (second citation) and Ybor Cigars Plus (third citation).

LOCAL NEWS

To kick off 2021, Bauman said that code enforcement conducted 154 inspections on Jan. 1-Jan. 2, and issued six citations, including a second citation for MacDinton’s in South Tampa. Bar Howard, just a block away from MacDinton’s, was also fined for mask violations on Jan. 1. On the same night in Ybor City, three bars—Southern Nights, Prana and The Ritz— were issued citations for violating mask and dance floor ordinances. On Jan. 2, Ybor City’s Club Skye was also issued a citation. Initial fines for violating the ordinances that prohibit gathering on dance floors or not wearing your mask unless seated are $150. While individuals can’t be fined, businesses that don’t enforce these rules can receive a civil citation and a fine up to $500, or a second degree misdemeanor punishable by a fine of $500. The new announcement takes enforcement even further. In the release, Tampa Mayor Jane Castor detailed how the city has worked to help keep businesses open in the safest way possible and educate the public on ordinances over the last seven month. She cited the launch of the OneTampa fund to provide assistance to businesses and families, the implementation

of Lift Up Local as a reaction to Gov. Ron DeSantis’ phase one reopening plan, and the city’s adoption of a grassroots “Safe & Sound” initiative that sees local businesses regulate themselves and each other to practice enforcement of mask ordinances, limited-capacity and social distancing. “Over the last several months, we have erred on the side of education and encouragement while relying heavily on the responsibility of our residents to help pull us out of this pandemic and come back stronger than ever,” Castor added. “And while the vast majority of our businesses and residents are acting responsibly, we can’t allow a few bad actors to compromise and lengthen the recovery efforts for an entire community.” According to city code 27-318, decisions regarding suspension and revocation of alcoholic beverage permits have to go through city council. The council decision would also have to follow a public hearing, with suspensions happening in a tiered format where second violations earn a 60-day suspension, third violations earn a 90-day suspension and fourth violations allow council to consider revocation.

“ …fourth violations allow council to consider revocation.”

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Shit Happened

Sea Monsters. Wrestlers.

TUESDAY 05 GOVRONDESANTIS/TWITTER

On FoxNews, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis told Tucker Carlson: “I don’t seek validation by the media,” which makes complete sense. DeSantis doesn’t seek validation from his constituents either; the only opinion he cares about is the one his master, Donald Trump, has.

TUESDAY 12 There’s now a $5,000 reward for info on whoever wrote ‘Trump” on a Florida manatee’s back. The innocent being was seen near the Blue Hole on the Homosassa River. And before you get any ideas, it’s way too cold at those springs for antifa to show up ready to vandalize a manatee, OK?

SATURDAY 09 Citing the latest coronavirus surge, Amalie Arena said fans are no longer permitted at Toronto Raptors and Tampa Bay Lightning games, which is fine because let’s not pretend that any of us had the extra money to spend anyway.

SH PE

SATURDAY 16 MATT MAY/TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

The Bucs did enough to beat the Washington Football Team in the wild card playoff round, setting up a divisional matchup against the New Orleans. There’s no way we can lose to the Saints three times in one season, right?

THE

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“Get Along is also resistance to the idea that we are helpless.” RESTAURANTS

RECIPES

DINING GUIDES

Go on, get along

Joel Davis shares details on new doughnut shop, Union’s move out of Armature Works. By Ray Roa is a crucial hire tasked with running point on flavors and helping Get Along dial in recipes. “I’m just the fat kid that wants to eat donuts,” Davis explained. “I’ve been a big fan of Marie for years and I’m so stoked that she’s come on board to work with us.” Get Along—located at 5010 N Nebraska Ave. in between Ella’s Americana Folk Art Cafe and Nebraska Mini-Mart—will open “soon (ish)” according to a social media profile, which Davis said means that “nothing happens as quickly as we’d like it to and that we don’t really have all the answers.” “Our goal is to have the actual shop done and open in the first quarter of this year, but you know how that goes. We won’t make promises until we know we can back them up,” Davis added. In the meantime, the Get Along crew plans to make doughnut drops to friends and family

FOOD NEWS

cream chais, nitro pina col-lattes and some other fun and seasonal rotations. “We’re embracing the sweet treats that we love and all of Tampa wants, so there will truly be something for everyone!,” Davis said. Still, opening a new concept now—with so many restaurants closing amidst the uncertainty of a botched coronavirus response and continued federal aid—seems dicey. When asked why Get Along made the decision to move forward in spite of all that, Davis jokingly replied, “Bangarang! Yolo!” “I don’t know man,” he wrote, referencing that the past is over and tomorrow is not certain. Davis wanted a legit doughnut shop in Tampa and got sick of waiting. He feels that collectively, the community wasn’t meant to merely survive, which felt like the mantra for so many folks in 2020. “So in that vein, Get Along isn’t just a donut shop, it’s also resistance to the idea that we are helpless,” Davis said. “It’s evolving and innovating our own systems and lives to make something better for ourselves and our community. It’s a carving out of some space for ourselves and empowering some folks along the way. I don’t feel like there’s a better time for it than now.”

UNIONTPA/FACEBOOK

fter three years at Armature Works, Tampa Heights coffee shop Union by Commune + Co. is moving out. The shop—home to a staff led by Tampa’s Joel Davis who first brought pressure-brewed, nitro-delivered cold brew to the Bay area in 2014—made the announcement on social media last week, adding that its last day of service at the food hall is Super Bowl Sunday, Feb. 7. Union’s first day of service at Pickford’s Counter—located at 2606 W Hillsborough Ave. in between the Wellswood and Plaza Terrace neighborhoods—was Jan. 11. “We’ll definitely have more to say on this and other new endeavors. For now, we just wanna finish strong in a home that has served us well,” Union wrote on Instagram. “Cheers!” Union’s move into the Pickford space also means that Bandit Coffee Co.’s Josh Weaver— who was consulting on the coffee program at the retro-style counter when it opened last summer—will focus solely on operations at his St. Pete shop, making room for Davis and his staff to fully develop coffee options at Pickford. Bandit Coffee has long been used at Union and other shops across the Bay area, with Davis calling a recent batch of Bandit coffee some of the best he’s ever used in espresso at Union. Bandit beans—roasted by Brennan Dielle—will no doubt be part of the offering at the new location. “With all the craziness of the pandemic, it actually worked out perfect for Bandit and us,” Davis told Creative Loafing Tampa Bay. “A win-win for all.” “Everyone at Union are pals, and we love them,” Weaver told CL. “Excited to see what they do at Pickford’s Counter.” CL reached out to reps at Armature Works for more information on who might be moving in, but the move isn't the only sweet news Davis has. Together with baker, recording engineer and skateboarder Asher Lakes and Library Coffeehouse co-founder Marie Cullinan, Davis has plans to open a new doughnut shop called Get Along in Southeast Seminole Heights. He told CL that Lakes—whose life has intertwined with Davis’ thanks to coffee, music and baked goods—is the mastermind behind all things dough at Get Along and that Cullinan

a few times per week and make news about local pop-ups available soon. And you’re gonna be lucky if you find yourself with a Get Along round in your hand. Davis said that Get Along will eventually rock the over the top, Instagram-able donut varietals, but for now is focused on starting simple and working to perfect the dough itself and then dial in the classic styles. “I kind of feel like who really cares about cereal on your donut if you can’t nail the basics, right?,” Davis asked. So for now, menu items include doughnuts dressed in Lakes’ “Get Along Glaze,” which is inspired by a morning bun. “It’s like a cinnamon + orange zest caramel glaze that is truly delicious,” Davis said, adding that a few other flavors will follow (on the day we posted this online, Lakes shared photos of Get Along’s strawberry shortcake prototype). And naturally, Get Along’s coffee program will be influenced by Davis. That means beans sourced from the world’s best growers and roasters, homemade syrups, quality ingredients and all the Union by Commune + Co. coffee and tea—but Get Along will also have a full nitro bar pouring nitro horchata lattes, nitro oatmeal

SHARED JOY: Big changes are on the horizon for Union by Commune+Co.

cltampa.com | JANUARY 14 - JANUARY 20, 2021 | 27

RAY ROA

ROAD LEEDS HERE: With Moon Under Water temporarily closed, Jack’s is inarguably St. Pete’s best bet for authentic U.K. pub food.

Bridge to London

This St. Pete takeout oasis easily delivers the food that Brits crave. By Jon Palmer Claridge

ritish food often gets a bad rap. Traditional Disney dreams, the meals have too often been dishes don’t have the finesse that makes underwhelming. French technique a touchstone, nor the We all know, however, of the ubiquity of bounty of garden fresh ingredients that ele- “fish and chips.” Beer-battered haddock is a vate Italian cuisine as the favorite of western staple with British chips, which are usually palates. But my father’s family was from north- thick and hand cut similar to U.S. steak fries. ern England, so our Christmas tradition was In fact, there are relatively few authentic British always standing beef pubs across the Bay area. rib roast and Yorkshire What I have discovered is that Jack’s London Grill is pudding, which is a popover variation for the a takeout oasis which easily Jack’s London Grill uninitiated. delivers the food that Brits 1050 62nd Ave. N., St. Petersburg But across the U.K., Pub snacks $5-$12; British classics $10-$13; crave. Take that, Covent you’ll find gastropubs Garden. Jack’s version is dessert $6 727-289-7170; jackslondongrill.com offering the lure of tasty totally authentic and serves morsels to accompany the fish with housemade pints of ale. Beer usually demands hearty tartar sauce. The crispy ale batter coats the dishes like bangers and mash or steak and flaky white fish to perfection. You might want ale pie. I must add, though, that I’ve often to add some malt vinegar to your pantry, which been disappointed. My companion of the past is the preferred grace note for this dish across decade is a Brit expat, so I’ve been across the England. pond to London and Shakespeare country Jack’s features two of my favorite British in the midlands of Warwickshire on numer- starters. The Scotch egg and the sausage roll. ous occasions (before COVID-19). Pubs are The egg is boiled until firm, but not quite long everywhere, but even in Covent Garden, in a enough for the yolk to fully solidify. Then, the half-timbered Tudor building that spawned shell-less egg is encased in a layer of breakfast

TAKEOUT

28 | JANUARY 14 - JANUARY 20, 2021 | cltampa.com

sausage meat, dipped in beaten egg, breaded, and deep fried. Jack also lightly bakes the finished product. These are easily quartered to share the soft, sunny yolk-filled pieces with the entire table. The sausage roll wraps a hot dog-sized link in puff pastry and bakes it until perfectly crispy and seductive. It’s served with a small container of Dijon mustard mayo for dipping to add just a touch of creamy tang on the palate. Each warm bite juxtaposes juiciness with flaky crust. My personal British gastropub favorite is shepherd’s pie. I must confess that this harkens back to the potato turbate days of school cafeteria fame. Technically, the chosen protein dictates the title: shepherd equals lamb, whereas beef is cottage pie. Here, a ground lamb and beef mix is cooked with roasted garlic and rosemary, dotted with a few diced veggies and served beneath creamy herb-potato mash with a melted cheddar cheese top browned in the oven. In any case, it evokes fond memories and pushes all my comfort food buttons. Bangers ‘n’ mash is another staple. Jack’s duo of traditional Irish sausages with creamy mashed potatoes and rich Guinness gravy is a winner. And then there is the array of hand made pies—all takeout ready in an aluminum rectangle topped with delicate shortcrust pastry. Each has a motif to identify its filling, e.g.

cross-hatching or half moons, etc.. They’re all served with a side of yummy mash, rice, or a vegetable medley, usually thin slices of carrots and zucchini. The steak & ale pie has thick, tender slowbraised beef tips in rich Guinness gravy. Equally scrumptious, but a bit lighter, is the creamy chicken, brie & leek pie. Boneless chicken and soft leeks swim in a creamy white wine sauce, finished with herbs and melted brie under the same flaky crust. Curry, of course, is a staple of British cuisine as a result of the empire’s colonial reach. Jack’s Bombay chicken and lentil pie balances the spices that swathe the tender chicken and legumes in a scrumptious mild coconut curry sauce. All the pies are great takeout options. The desserts (or puddings) change on a regular basis. Our individual bread pudding is disappointing. It’s overly brown and dry instead of infused with custard, but the apple crumble is simply delicious. With craft beer production exploding in every corner across the Bay, it’s time to grab your favorite brew and swing by Jack’s for an authentic taste of England. Even though a vaccine is now around the corner, we’re still in a world where takeout rules and a safe trip to London is many months away. I can hear Jack’s Shepherd’s pie calling my name. How about you?

“We’re still in a world where takeout rules…”

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Pho-ck yea

Yummy House’s new Vietnamese concept, plus more Tampa Bay foodie news. By Jenna Rimensnyder

Openings Pho 813 Vietnamese The owners of Yummy House Chinese restaurants quietly opened a Vietnamese food spot in South Tampa. Its menu includes beef pho, bún bò Hue, summer rolls, crispy egg rolls, and more. Pho 813 is open for lunch from 11 a.m.-2:30 p.m.—and reopens at 5 p.m. for dinner—seven days a week. It closes at 9 p.m. every day except for Friday and Saturday when doors close at 9:30 p.m. There aren’t any social media pages for the joint yet, so just slide your pho-ckin ass over there. 3701 W. Henderson Blvd., Tampa Santelli Pizza & Pasta The fast-casual Italian restaurant opened its doors on Tuesday. Diners can expect iconic Italian dishes like calzones, zeppole, pasta with housemade sauces and New York-style pizzas. The spot also offers wine, canned brews and outdoor seating for those wanting some fresh air with their eats. 13357 SR-54, Odessa. santellipizza.com Coming soon 7th + Grove The Ybor City restaurant specializing in Southern cuisine is expanding with a second location at Sparkman Wharf. With plans to open mid-January, 7th + Grove no. 2 will serve the flagship’s signature shrimp and grits, while also introducing new items, like jerk chicken collard green egg rolls, deviled egg salad and more. Guests can also order from a selection of sips including signature Grove-made juices, wine and champagne. 615 Water St., Tampa. 7thandgrove.com Canopy Road Cafe Florida-based chain Canopy Road Cafe is opening in the former South Tampa Taco Bus location on Gandy Boulevard. CRC specializes in traditional breakfast and lunch fare, so expect to find all of the classics as well as some selections with a bit of a twist. For instance, you can opt for a plain stack of pancakes or choose from flavorful combos like the Fat Elvis made with peanut butter chips, bananas, chipped bacon with a peanut butter drizzle. For brunch sips, expect to the menu to include local beers, mimosas and build-yourown mimosa kits. 4308 W. Gandy Blvd., Tampa. canopyroadcafe.com

Flower Crown Kombucha If all went according to plan, the kombucha brewery is now open in Tampa Heights within the space formerly occupied by Foundation Coffee Co. A selection of ‘buch will be on draft along with coffee as well as nitro cold brew sourced from local haunts. Hungry? FCK offers baked goods to snack on while you study, co-work or just hang. 1607 N. Franklin St., Tampa Heights. @ flowercrownkombucha on Facebook Get Along Union by Commune & Co.’s Joel Davis alongside baker Asher Lakes and Library Coffeehouse co-founder Marie Cullinan are planning to open the doughnut shop in Southeast Seminole Heights. Read more on p. 27. @getalongtpa on Instagram Murph’s BBQ Taking over Boat Run Oyster Co.’s shipping container, Murph’s is set to start slingin’ barbecue by the end of the month. The menu features “a no-frills, non-denominational BBQ style with quality meats and sauces inspired by the best BBQ regions in the United States.” That means

Moving Union by Commune + Co. After three years at Armature Works, the Tampa Heights coffee shop is moving out. Union is already operating out of Pickford’s Counter— located in between the Wellswood and Plaza Terrace neighborhoods— and closes at Armature Works after Super Bowl Sunday. 2606 W Hillsborough Ave., Tampa. @uniontpa on Instagram

that she is no longer moving forward with the Good Mood Food platform. That means no more catering, pop-ups, or markets. Casiano is shifting her focus toward permaculture, food security and curating private events for Community Table, her vegan dining series. @communitytable_ on Instagram ICYMI 7th + Grove commercial The popular Ybor City restaurant was featured in a Pepsi ad alongside three other Black-owned restaurants from across the country as part of the brand’s Dig In campaign. The mission aims to encourage viewers to support Black-owned businesses that have, like all restaurateurs, suffered from the COVID-19 pandemic. John’s Pass Seafood & Music Festival Rather than host the annual Seafood & Music Festival at the Madeira Beach hotspot due to the surge in COVID-19 cases, John’s Pass is set to host an Arts Weekend featuring food and craft vendors. The event opens on Friday, Jan. 22 at 2 p.m. and will continue through the weekend until 7 p.m. on Sunday, Jan. 24. Read more on p. 33. 12901 Gulf Blvd., Madeira Beach. visitstpeteclearwater.com

OPENINGS & CLOSINGS

Closing Boat Run Oyster Co. The Sparkman Wharf OG vendor has closed its doors and is set to be replaced by fellow SaltBlock Hospitality concept, Murph’s BBQ. Boat Run will still be around hosting pop-ups and attending Sparkman events in the future. @boat_run on Instagram Good Mood Food Vegan pop-up owner, Adriana Casiano announced in late December

JENN THAI

he country is still trying to find a way to get through last week’s shitstorm, but nevertheless, there is food news. Here’s what’s coming, going and happening in the Tampa Bay food scene. The pandemic is far from over, people. Do your part by wearing a mask, keeping your space, and when in doubt, order takeout or delivery. Don’t forget to 86 the insurrectionists out of your life, too.

12-hour smoked brisket, pulled pork and charcoal roasted chicken. When it comes to sides, expect macaroni and cheese, barbecue baked beans, coleslaw as well as a rotating selection of seasonal bites. 615 Water St., Tampa. sparkmanwharf.com

BOWLED OVER: Pho 813’s menu includes bún bò Hue and more.

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HEAD OUT OF THE SAND: Local beach festivals are taking the new coronavirus surge seriously.

Sand by

Beach festivals among latest pivoting due to COVID-19 surge. By Jenna Rimensnyder

hile we were all thrilled to leave the year 2020, we have not been able to shake the COVID-19 pandemic and absolute madness of last year. Many Tampa Bay events have had to shift gears in order to adhere to state ordinances as well as CDC guidelines in regards to social distancing, crowd control and mask-wearing. For instance, Taste of the Beaches hosted in October 2020, completely reconstructed its annual event from hosting vendors in one central location to inviting attendees to purchase tasting tickets through the event’s website, allowing them to dine-in at participating restaurants. Talk about a pandemic pivot. With 2021 events beginning to rev up, organizers have been forced to revise their game plans. One of those events is John’s Pass Seafood & Music Festival. The annual event draws massive amounts of seafood enthusiasts for fresh bites and live music. The event was initially scheduled for October 2020, and then pushed to Jan. 22-24 in hopes the pandemic would be more manageable. Last week, event organizer, Vicki Kolb reached out to Creative Loafing Tampa Bay to share the announcement that the Seafood & Music Festival is canceled, adding that John’s Pass will host an Arts Weekend instead. “Special considerations had been made to assure social distancing and less congregated areas especially in the food court area but the

recent surge has created great concern and for that reason the event has been canceled,” Kolb wrote in an email. The John’s Pass Arts Weekend is set to feature 80 local artists and craftsmen and the over 100 shops, restaurants and attractions at the Pass. The family-friendly event will also host 14 food vendors, so be sure to bring dough. Keep in mind, guests are still asked to socially distance and wear masks. The event opens on Fri., Jan. 22 at 2 p.m. and will continue through the weekend until 7 p.m. on Sun., Jan. 24. John’s Pass Village and Boardwalk is located at 12901 Gulf Blvd., Madeira Beach. Another heavily attended affair, the Pier 60 Sugar Sand Festival is also canceling its 2021 event due to the pandemic. The festival hosts sand sculpture artists from far and wide to create elaborate structures while also offering free live music, fireworks, kid’s play zones, and sand sculpting classes. “Unfortunately, due to the current restrictions on large gatherings, the Pier 60 Sugar Sand Festival is unable to take place in April,” Lisa Chandler, SugarSand Festival founder and organizer wrote in a press release sent Thursday morning. “We will continue to keep you informed and look forward to creating another sandtastic’ event in 2022.” While it does sting that a handful of annual favorites are on hold, it is better than the alternative, which would put attendees and staff at risk.

FOOD NEWS

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A&E EVENTS MOVIES

THEATER

ART

CULTURE

Still changing

‘Letters to Kamala,’ plus more ways to support local creators and makers. By Jenna Rimensnyder St. Petersburg’s freeFall Theatre’s drive-in concert series returns with “Scott and Patti: Get a Real Job!” If you must get out of the house, and have a car, freeFall Theater’s drive-in concert series is back on Friday, Jan. 22 when “Scott and Patti: Get a Real Job!” returns, “equally as fabulous but this time, socially distanced.” If you’re unfamiliar with the colorful hit, “Scott and Patti: Get a Real Job!” is written by and stars local performers Matthew McGee and Scott Daniel. The duo even snagged the title of Best Local Cabaret Act at CL’s 2014 Best of the Bay Awards. This go-round, the series running from Jan.22-Feb.14 is musically directed by Michael Raabe and directed by freeFall Artistic Director Eric Davis. The production is on an outdoor stage, and guests can tune in to the show through their vehicle’s FM radio (heads up, freeFall has discontinued the use of AudioFetch app). Attendees can also expect live musical performances, multimedia elements as well as special guests via satellite. A $99 “premium” admission lets guests park

Localtopia comes back to St. Petersburg with COVID-19 safety precautions Next month, Localtopia is returning to St. Pete’s Williams Park for its eighth year of highlighting local businesses. The massive outdoor pop-up will host nearly 200 vendors on Saturday, Feb. 20 from 10 a.m.-5 p.m. for seven hours of uninterrupted shopping. If it just so happens to rain on the big day, the reschedule is on Saturday, Feb. 27. Being that the annual event is returning in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, Localtopia organizers have put forth a safety plan for guests and staff. Other than having to wear a mask at

all times, hand washing stations will be present throughout the grounds as well as portable toilets equipped with sanitizer. Just a heads up: this year, pets will not be allowed as they present issues with social distancing. To view Localtopia’s entire list of COVID-19 safety protocols, visit keepsaintpetersburglocal.org. Come hungry, too, because Localtopia is hosting a slew of food trucks stationed on Fourth Street and along Second Avenue, as well as “thirst stations” selling local beer in cans as well as canned wines. Live musical performances will also take place all day long along with a literary corner, street art performances and other activities for all ages. The family-friendly event offers free admission, you just have to bring bread to spend on art, food, handmade goods and clothing from vendors. You may want to lean toward cashless payments like cards, Apple Pay, and have some apps (Cash App, Venmo and PayPal) as an added safety precaution. If you’re not quite comfortable braving the crowd at this open-air event, check out the list of participating vendors, and opt to support vendors by purchasing products online. Supporting local from your couch is a win-win. William’s Park is located at 330 2nd Ave. N. in downtown St. Petersburg. Street and garage parking is available for attendees.

AMERICAN STAGE

e are less than a week away from Inauguration Day, when President and Vice President-Elect Joe Biden and Kamala Harris will be sworn in (this is not a simulation, QAnon). While the nation will be celebrating this long overdue changing of the guard, American Stage will re-launch a very timely commissioned work by playwright Rachel Lynett—”Letters to Kamala.” As the first leg of American Stage’s Digital Theatre Series, viewers can pay $15 to stream the work featuring three pioneering women of color in politics: Charlotta Bass (Dee Selmore), Charlene Mitchell (Renata Eastlick) and Patsy Mink (Mia Tagano). The trio delivers wisdom, perspective and wry humor as it addresses Madam Vice President, and the cultural significance and psychological weight of her November victory. “I’m excited because I hope this play will inspire conversations about change, loss and what can best help us move forward together, united as a nation,” Lynett wrote in a release. Replays of the production—which run from Jan. 17-23 and costs $15 to stream—are approximately 75 minutes long and intended for ages 12 and up because of adult situations and language. “'Letters to Kamala’ represents a new way of coming together to create powerful stories that speak to this moment,” CEO/Producing Artistic Director Stephanie Gularte said. “Lynett’s digital play, created for American Stage and developed in the weeks leading up to our presidential election, will surprise audiences in the diversity of its perspectives of three significant figures in American political history, while connecting us to the performances of three stunning actresses.” The digital series allows theater lovers to access plays anytime, anywhere while also supporting local talent in these unprecedented times that have shaken the arts as well as every industry. “Letters to Kamala” will be followed up by replays of “Kate - The Unexamined Life of Katharine Hepburn” by Rick Foster in November and “Nosotros La Gente (We The People),” an American Stage-commissioned work by Jerry Montoya. Snag tickets to the virtual performances via americanstage.org. Grab the popcorn, crack some cold ones and gather the family around the computer or television screen to support local theater during a pandemic.

in one of the five central spots; a $75 admission (good for one vehicle with up to four occupants) is also available, and a release says that, “To ensure the best possible experience for all patrons, vehicles will be parked in the best available spot in the chosen section, based on the size of vehicle, on a first come, first served basis.” COVID-19 safety precautions will be in place, and theatergoers are asked to wear an effective face covering if they choose to leave vehicles for any reason while parked at freeFall. freeFall Theatre is located at 6099 Central Ave. in St. Petersburg. Cop your tickets at freefalltheatre.com or by calling 727-498-5205. In-person box office services are temporarily unavailable.

ALL ABOUT THAT BASS: Dee Selmore playing Charlotta Bass in American Stage’s ‘Letters to Kamala.’

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Happy and sad

A new batch of streaming movies spans the highs and lows of at-home-cinema. By John Allman

ccording to state data, on Monday in Tampa Bay about 20%of hospital beds and 15% of ICU beds were available as Florida itself added 11,576 coronavirus cases and 163 deaths (locally, the Bay area added 2,367 cases and 43 deaths Monday). That’s another several thousand reasons to stay home, and here are five movies to help you do just that. 12 Hour Shift ★★★★ 86 minutes, Blu-Ray, DVD and streaming Brea Grant’s electrifying and subversively slick medical thriller, “12 Hour Shift,” finally arrives on home media after a rousing festival run. I’ve talked about “12 Hour Shift” before, and I will tell you once again, if you love dark, twisted, original stories peppered with gallows humor, this movie needs to be at or near the top of your must-see list. Angela Bettis is perfection as Mandy, a caustic registered nurse who spends her hospital shifts harvesting organs from terminal patients to sell to a local scumbag (Mick Foley), but the real discovery here is Chloe Farnworth as Mandy’s distant cousin by marriage Regina, who is tasked with transporting the organs. Regina is so ditzy and self-absorbed that she’s like a human version of Dug the pooch in “Up” who loses his shit whenever someone says ‘Squirrel!’ Go, now, and seek out “12 Hour Shift.” You can thank me later.

movie, I would turn off the TV and schedule a Zoom consultation. “Girl” ★★ 82 minutes, DVD and streaming “Girl,” the debut thriller from actor-turneddirector Chad Faust, is not without its moments, but the reality is that those fleetingly few sequences amount to a fraction of his film’s runtime. The rest of “Girl,” a bizarre backwoods revenge saga that plays like a mashup of “John Wick” and “Sling Blade,” moves at a glacial pace, punctuated by a series of increasingly uncomfortable close-ups on co-star Mickey Rourke’s macabre visage. That’s right, Rourke is the big name in the cast, followed by Bella Thorne in the titular role as an unnamed young woman who travels to a dying shit-stain of a town to kill her abusive, absentee father before he can make good on a recent threat mailed to her mother. The big problem, as she discovers: Someone’s already tortured and killed him. “Who did this to you?” Girl asks, looking at his body. “I was going to do this to you.”

“Happy Face” ★★ 100 minutes, streaming “Happy Face,” a curious Canadian dramedy about the way society treats people with facial deformities, is garnering all kinds of buzz. Not for nothing, the film has a 100% score on Rotten Tomatoes, which has become a key cog in its marketing. And while there’s some merit to its positive reviews, the reality is that “Happy Face,” as well-intentioned as it is, suffers from an uneven script and too many subplots, which effectively neuter the overall message of acceptance, selfworth and self-love at its core. I’m not saying you won’t benefit from watching “Happy Face,” particularly if you struggle with self-confidence and find yourself gun-shy whenever a stranger stares too long in your direction, but given the choice between spending an hour talking to a professional or nearly two hours watching this

“Shadow in the Cloud” ★ 83 minutes, streaming Sometimes, you stumble across a movie that’s just so outlandish, so what-the-frak ridiculous, that you secretly want it to be great, or at least, the new poster-child for batshit bonkers genre cinema. “Shadow in the Cloud” could have been that movie with a little tweaking and a little tinkering. As it stands, though, instead of being the epitome of so-bad-it’s-good, it’s an early candidate for worst movie of 2021. Co-written with Max Landis (“Chronicle,” “American Ultra”), the sophomore feature from director Roseanne Liang wants to ride the coattails of recent high-octane, femalefronted movies by telling the story of Maude Garrett (Chloë Grace Moretz), a World War II pilot and airplane mechanic, who finagles her way onboard a B-17 Flying Fortress with a secret package only to encounter a creature

straight out of folklore that threatens to upend the B-17’s secret mission. Don’t be fooled. “Shadow in the Cloud” is a faux feminist fable. Instead of making Garrett smarter and more capable than the all-male squadron of soldiers, Landis and Liang instead make a mockery of her “We Can Do It!” gumption. In fact, “Shadow in the Cloud” may be one of the most misogynistic movies in recent memory. Seriously, the consistent insults and barbs lobbed at Garrett by the crew speed past tiresome and cliché early on, eventually arriving at offensive and repugnant. But that’s not even the worst thing about “Shadow in the Cloud.” No, that honor is reserved for two late in the third act reveals, both of which are so dumb that they literally hurt your brain, and the many ways that the film asks viewers to suspend all logic and belief, particularly when Garrett is hanging upside down outside of the B-17 as it is in flight in the middle of a vicious dogfight with enemy planes while she tries to save her infant child (?!?) from a malicious gremlin (?!?) that wants to crash the aircraft. If only Landis and Liang had a sense of humor. If only Garrett had been allowed to shout, “I’ve had it with the motherfucking gremlins on this motherfucking plane!” If only, then this might have been good.

“Subplots neuter the overall message of acceptance, selfworth and self-love at the movie’s core.”

DARK STAR PICTURES

FILM & TV

Thorne mumbles her way through what little dialogue Faust wrote, hiding her face behind a mop of greasy hair. Her main defining feature is the hatchet she brought with her to chop up her dad. Rourke, the sheriff of the shithole town, has a big secret that most viewers will figure out well before his mustache-twirling soliloquy where he spills the beans.

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ABOUT FACES: The cast of this Canadian dramedy is played in large part by people with real medical deformities.

VIRTUAL COCKTAIL & COLLECTIONS THURSDAY, JANUARY 21, 6:30â€“7:30 PM VIA ZOOM

Participate in a live gallery tour and Q&A of Color Riot! from the comfort of your home. A signature cocktail recipe inspired by the show will be provided to you ahead of the event. Register for this event and learn about additional Color Riot! programs at MFAStPete.org. Your participation in our public programs helps to support the Museum of Fine Arts. #ColorRiotMFA COLOR RIOT! IS ORGANIZED BY THE HEARD MUSEUM, PHOENIX, ARIZONA Venancio Francis Aragon, Navajo, b. 1985, Prism of Emotions, 2019, Heard Museum Collection, Gift of the Heard Museum Council

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THERE’S SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT BASEBALL IN TAMPA BAY. It started with a little boy dreaming of playing baseball. This boy, AL LOPEZ, became Tampa’s first Major League player, manager, and Hall of Fame inductee. Now, his rehabilitated childhood home is getting ready to welcome fans to celebrate more than 130 years of local baseball heritage. Nearly 90 professional players from Tampa will be honored, along with the people and places that shaped them. Local baseball traditions will shine at the TAMPA BASEBALL MUSEUM at the AL LOPEZ HOUSE when it opens… and stand alongside some of the best baseball towns in the nation.

AL LOPEZ

STEP UP TO THE PLATE! Please join our efforts to ensure that Tampa Bay’s baseball memories play on to inspire future generations! With six new exhibits in the works, community support means everything to our game. Your donation today at www.TampaBaseballMuseum.org will help get us to home plate. All donations will be matched 100% by a Hillsborough County Historic Preservation Grant, doubling the value of your generous contribution.

Located in Historic Ybor City P.O. Box 5421 • Tampa, FL • 33605

813.247.1434 www.TampaBaseballMuseum.org

The Tampa Baseball Museum at the Al Lopez House is owned by the Ybor City Museum Society, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization Federal Tax ID No. 59-2274494.

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Honey, I’m Homer

A historic South Tampa home is now for sale. By Colin Wolf

he former home of the late Homer W. Hesterly, the namesake of South Tampa’s iconic Fort Homer Hesterly Armory, is now on the market in the Palma Ceia neighborhood. Located at 2903 W Estrella St., the DutchColonial-style home was built around 1925, and Hesterly and his wife were the longest known tenants, says Tampa Bay History Center Director Rodney Kite-Powell to Creative Loafing Tampa Bay. Over the years, the 2,544-squarefoot home has since witnessed multiple owners and plenty of upgrades, but still maintains plenty of original charm, like the original cedar floor, detailed trim-work, and an original doublewall fireplace. Hesterly was the former commander of the 116th Field Artillery Battalion, which was stationed at the site of the armory from 1934-1954.

But most people arguably associate his name with the massive art deco building in South Tampa that is now the home of the Bryan Glazer Family JCC. The site itself is rich in history, seeing as it was where Theodore Roosevelt’s Rough Riders camped in the days leading up to the Spanish-American War. After the building’s completion in 1941, the armory was the site of some of Tampa’s biggest speeches, sporting events and concerts, with a roster spanning iconic names like John F. Kennedy, Elvis Presley, Martin Luther King Jr., James Brown, Pink Floyd, and more. Hesterly died in 1957, and is buried at the Myrtle Hill Memorial Park. The Hesterly house is currently asking $599,000, and the listing agent is Robbie Henderson.

HOMES

TONY SICA C/O BELL HENDERSON

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REVIEWS

PROFILES

MUSIC WEEK

Not cool

Member of Tampa metal band Iced Earth photographed storming U.S. Capitol. By Ray Roa in summer 2003 after vocals from former Iced Earth singer Matt Barlow—who left the band and eventually became a police corporal in Georgetown, Delaware—weren’t good enough. Najjar told CL that he tried to be as innocuous as possible during the mixdown sessions. “That’s what assistants do, you set stuff up and you get out of the way,” he explained. But Najjar alleges that during the mixdown sessions, Schaffer started using the N-word incessantly in the studio. “I perked up, and I’m thinking at first. ‘How does he know that I don’t have a Black wife?’ Like, ‘What’s going on here? Is this some kind of inside joke?... Why does this guy feel comfortable saying all this stuff around an assistant engineer who he doesn’t know from Adam? He hasn’t known me for over an hour.” Eventually, Najjar started asking Schaffer

INSURRECTION

non-story, like ‘Oh, [Schaffer’s] a racist,” Najjar said. “But over the last few months he’s done interviews saying he was ready to do this. Now he’s a wanted felon by the FBI with his picture plastered everywhere. In this kind of environment, after what happened yesterday, I can’t imagine anything more disgusting.” In an email sent to CL on Jan. 8, Tom Morris, brother of Jim who worked on the Glorious End sessions, wrote, “Since we started our studio in 1981 we’ve had the good fortune to work with literally hundreds of artists of all political persuasions and backgrounds. We have developed lasting friendships with many of them regardless of differences in ideology. We don’t work with artists because we share political or religious views, but because we share a love of music.” “That being said,” Tom added, “with regard to events at the U.S. Capitol, violence is never the answer.” CL reached out to a tour booking contact for Iced Earth for additional comment.

“We all should’ve known when the band put out a civil war concept album.”

METROPOLITAN POLICE WASHINGTON D.C.

ast Wednesday’s riot at the U.S. Capitol building was a lot of things (a dark day in American history, embarrassing, scary), but it also shone light on Florida legislators who seemed to have no problem with the role they played in egging on insurrectionists who might end up spending years in jail if Trump doesn’t pardon them first. The melee and threat to democracy which left five people dead also exposed shithead musicians, and while artists like Ariel Pink and John Maus didn’t storm the Capitol, several reports say that a Tampa metal icon—Iced Earth’s Jon Schaffer—was photographed by the Associated Press as part of the mob committing terrorism on the Capitol. But as Kerrang! pointed out, no one should be surprised that Schaffer—who recorded many times at the now-shuttered and since relocated Temple Terrace location of revered Tampa music studio Morrisound—went to D.C. and ended up at what some are calling a “coup” attempt. Last November, a German newspaper even interviewed Schaffer on the ground at a proTrump rally in D.C. Blabbermouth pointed out that a month before, Schaffer went on Facebook Live and said, in part, “These people lie all the fucking time; it’s what they do. They’re feckless traitors. That’s what Congress is. They deceive all of us. I don’t care if it’s Parliament or whatever system you have — it’s a joke. They’re criminals, and they’re owned by criminal bankers, and that’s just the reality of it.” And as Orlando Weekly’s Matthew Moyer noted, we all should’ve known when the band put out a civil war concept album, The Glorious Burden, in 2004. Charles “Chaz” Najjar, says signs that Schaffer would end up at a proTrump event like Wednesday’s insurrection were there all along, too. In a phone call, Najjar, 43, told Creative Loafing Tampa Bay that he was an assistant engineer during mixdown sessions for The Glorious Burden at Morrisound. Najjar, who now owns Badlands Recording in Colorado, said that the last week-long mixdown happened

questions about the band. Najjar alleges that Schaffer told him a story about a time in the early-to-mid-’90s when another former Iced Earth vocalist John Greely took band members to a KKK cross burning. “Like literally hoods and a big cross. And [Schaffer] said there were FBI agents lined up around the perimeter taking pictures of the attendees, taking pictures of the license plates of the vehicles people were in,” Najjar said. “Jon said it kind of freaked him out, but at the same time, why wouldn’t he just turn around and leave?” Najjar told CL he wants to be clear “that I never heard Jim Morris, say or utter any racist words or slurs or tendencies or anything like that,” but he does wish the studio would take a stand and say something rebuking Schaffer and what happened in Washington D.C. “The reason I think Morrisound should speak out is that they’re close friends with Jon— he’s not just a random client,” Najjar added. “Three days ago, this would’ve been a

INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT: But no one should be surprised that Jon Schaffer was seen at the insurrection.

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THU JANUARY 14 – WED JANUARY 20 up, the venue will take your temperature at the door, require masks and enforce many other COVID-19 protocols. (Bilheimer Capitol Theatre, Clearwater)

@420doggface208

OCEAN SPRAY

C P.M. Tiger w/BadCameo For a band that’s only been together a couple of years, P.M. Tiger’s sound is mature—and not just because its tunes strongly resemble the early 2000s indie-dance records. I could’ve easily danced to the Clearwater band’s 2020 single “It’s Gunna Hurt” at the old Orpheum during Retro Red Square Recall (you know, smack between Fischerspooner and that mashup of Christina Aguilera and The Strokes). Even P.M. Tiger’s website and super cute merch make the band look like old pros. Also on the bill is Bad Cameo, another “holy shit, who are these guys?” indie-funk outfit whose groovy “Nina Nina” is my favorite new song. Outside of a few scratch offs here and there, I’m not a betting person, but me thinks there would 100% be someone dancing at this free West River gig if there wasn’t a dancefloor ordinance in place. When national touring kicks back up, both these outfits will likely be in high-demand for local support slots. (Hooch and Hive, Tampa) Gloria West & the Gents Jazz vocalist and songwriter Gloria West—and her “Gents” trumpet player James Suggs, plus Mark Moultrup on piano—brings a swinging style to Ybor City’s new cocktail bar, Copper Shaker (the Shaker’s St. Petersburg location has been open since 2017). Jazz will be on the calendar at the bar every Friday and Saturday, and the venue told Creative Loafing Tampa Bay that it is “following all city covid guidelines.” The city is finally threatening to pull liquor licenses for businesses that break the rules, so let’s all wear our masks and behave, shall we? While we’re at it, tip your servers and bartenders a little, or a lot, extra. They deserve it (Copper Shaker, Ybor City)

By Stephanie Powers

Designated Safe And Sound Venue According to state data, on Monday in Tampa Bay about 20%of hospital beds and 15% of ICU beds were available as Florida itself added 11,576 coronavirus cases and 163 deaths (locally, the Bay area added 2,367 cases and 43 deaths Monday). Still, the local music scene is trying to find its feet amidst the mess. We’ve marked the gigs at venues that have joined a local (for now) Tampa-based “Safe & Sound” initiative that pledges to strictly enforce limited capacity, mask wearing and social distancing.

FRI 15

Tusk: A Fleetwood Mac Tribute Thanks to that TikTok video of Nathan Apodaca—aka

@420doggface208, pictured above—skateboarding while drinking Ocean Spray’s Cran-Raspberry juice and lip syncing Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams,” the band is popular with a whole new generation. Need proof? In October, the 1977 song returned to the Billboard charts at no. 21 with its best streaming and sales week ever. And while most big name bands have postponed their tours as of late, you can still see the next best thing in the form of this “Tusk” tribute named after the Mac’s follow up to its most popular album, Rumours. The best—or most boring—part at Tusk’s Friday night show at the Cap is that there’ll be no dramatic lineup changes, no Neil Finn, and, hopefully, no pricey cocaine habits. You will, however, see the band’s hit songs performed at a much, much lower price than one can see Stevie Nicks and whoever she allows to be in the band at the moment. Heads

SAT 16

Jammin’ January: Tribal Style Not everything that happened in 2020 was bad. Case in point: Tampa roots-reggae scene staple Tribal Style released a new album, Future Roots. This weekend, the band will attempt to get you out of the pandemic-life funk with a Saturday set at South Pasadena’s JahVa Studio. The band’s roots-reggae version of The Pixies “Where is My Mind?” is a solution to a lot of society’s ailments. Add rum punch and food by Island Flavors and Tings, and voila, you’re cured (your mindset at least, best to still get that vaccine when you can). Though the event is indoors, the space is large enough to be socially-distanced and still feel safe. Plus there is a mask requirement and temperature checks at the door. (JahVa Studio, South Pasadena)

MON 18

Mischief Monday: DJ Ku At the start of the pandemic, Tampa’s DJ Ku was quick to say that he would do his part to stay home—and sadly watch his money dry up—to try and help keep the community safe. Nearly a year later, Ku has re-started gigs and a few residencies like his Mischief Monday weekly at The Ritz (early this month, a City of Tampa spokesperson said the Ybor City club scene staple was issued a citation for violating mask and dance floor ordinances on a Friday, Jan. 1). But Ku, who stays masked at his gigs, hasn’t stopped speaking up. On Sunday, he took to Twitter—and addressed fellow DJs and folks who work at clubs hit hard by coronavirus restrictions—to explain that he had to take another night off because of COVID-19 crackdowns. He once again brought up City of Tampa's threats to revoke alcohol licenses and expressed frustration in scrolling through his social media feed and seeing DJs posting themselves wearing no masks. “We’re a special breed of stupid here. Zero attempt to move responsibly and then complain about when venues are targeted and get shut down. I’m not saying the ordinances aren’t a pain (and some even pointless), but wow we sure do love sabotaging our extremely rare ability to work,” he wrote. “And if you’re reading this and the shoe fits, just know you’re part of the problem. Whatever your view on Covid is, no matter how you put it, you’re (at the very least) painting the whole scene in a bad light to the city’s eyes so don’t bitch later if our venues close again…” In a text message to CL, Ku reiterated that he sympathizes with the businesses trying to comply with the new ordinances. “It’s crowd control and understandably difficult to enforce... But us? DJs? It’s the LEAST we can do,” he wrote. Ku’s thread was shared over and again on social media, with one of Tampa Bay’s prominent radio figures, Wild 94.1’s Orlando Davis, chiming in to say that Ku’s sentiment resonated. “ ...wisdom and perspective is one thing, but it hits different when It comes from one of the DJs, who you respect how they think and protect fam, as much as how they rock the room. Stay safe @djku ~ when its safe, bottles and bottles indeed, bro,” Davis wrote. He then called on his followers to be smart and safe, citing the fact that fans were banned at the Bucs’ playoff game and at all Lightning and Raptors games at Amalie Arena going forward. “ ...these places love money and activity just like we all do. The @nba @nhl and @nfl are losing mad money, but extreme numbers call for these measures. Lets all make it to the comeback! Bless.” (The Ritz, Ybor City)—Ray Roa

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Burning down the house By Caroline DeBruhl

was planning on writing a standard column this week, one with questions about jobs or relationships for the new year, but then last Wednesday, I watched a group of terrorists climb walls and push through barricades around the Capitol building. I saw them breaking windows, pushing through doors, and then watched them enter the Senate chambers, curiously exploring and moving so casually I was reminded partly of opossums and partly of Columbine. I had the TV on, then opened my computer, my fiancé’s computer, started streaming “PBS News Hour,” the New York Times and the Washington Post. And then I put on Gil Scott-Heron, then The Temptations, and then I poured myself a drink, and paced around my house, and then I lit incense, and then I pulled cards, and then I asked: What will become of America? I pulled 12 cards for the next year, one for each month, placed them in a circle, then pulled one card for the whole year and put it in the middle. The 12 were: Nine of Swords reversed; King of Wands, Knight of Wands; Four of Swords; Page of Cups; The Emperor; Ace of Pentacles reversed; Lovers/Eight of Wands reversed; Seven of Swords; The Magician; King of Swords and Knight of Cups. The 2021 card was Five of Swords. Swords are air, a suit of mind and power. The Five of Swords is the conflict in the suit. It’s all ego. It’s competition, its resentment; it’s feeling that you’re right no matter what anyone says. This is the cloud over our heads for the year—this festering ego. We have to deal with it to move forward. January will be an anxious time, with nightmares and worry and people losing sleep. It’s already been dark, and it’ll stay that way. But then, we have the King of Cups in February. Cups are the story of relationships: romantic, familial, and diplomatic ones. With all his talk of diplomacy and healing divides, it’s easy to peg Biden as this King. The spring looks like a honeymoon period, politically speaking. Knight of Wands follows, a fiery warrior for creation, for change, for determination. It’s a take-no-shit suit. Vice President-elect Harris has an Aries moon; my money is on this being her. On this wave of happy warrior energy, we go to April with Four of Swords, ego removed. It might be when we officially rejoin the Paris accord or perhaps really get it together as a country to take on COVID-19. It’ll be us striking out from under the ego cloud of the year. And it’ll work for a while. May brings Page of

Cups, another person who’ll bring diplomacy and relationships into the world, and in June, we have The Emperor. In my deck, The Emperor has eagle legs and is crushing a small devil-bull with both his foot and his scepter. He rules by authority, not force. It’s hard as an American not to see a pair of authoritative eagle legs crushing a devil as a symbol for the U.S. Presidency, but I don’t know why this card comes in June. It could be that it takes this long for Biden to be accepted as the president… but I worry about darker implications. The great conjunction happened a few weeks ago, on Dec. 21. Out of the eight U.S. presidents that died in office, seven died during the great conjunction. When it happened during Reagan’s term, he got shot. When it happened to W., someone threw a grenade at him, but it didn’t go off. I don’t know what will happen—this is by no means predicting the president’s death—but there will be something to solidify the authority of The President of The United States in June. The honeymoon ends after that. July is Ace of Pentacles reversed. Money isn’t flowing. The economy might not be bouncing back, or something else could be stopping work (like another COVID-19 lockdown.) That leads to August, a two-card month with the Lovers reversed falling on top of the Eight of Wands. The Lovers is the big gun card of unions and relationships, while the Eight of wands can be a bridge-burning “fuck it!” Any love of healing we had as a country is on shaky ground. Then, in September, we see the Seven of Swords: the ego destroying itself with reckless abandon. This is us being our own bomb, us embracing that Five of Swords and living like spring breakers in hell. (That doesn’t bode well if we’re trying to crush a disease.) But then October brings in the Magician, ruler over the elements, the powerhouse of unlimited potential. It’s big energy, and it’s going to deal with the fight that the last two cards will bring. November is King of Swords, the critical, power-hungry ego-driven Father, while December is the Knight of Cups, another warrior of diplomacy, relationships, and connections. King of Swords is “Us vs. Them” where Knight of Cups is just an all-encompassing “Us.” Except for the single Knight of Wands, every suit card in this spread is a Cup or a Sword. As a country, it’s a fight between connection and diplomacy or ego and seizing of power. (But you didn’t need tarot cards to tell you that.)

ORACLE OF YBOR

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The court cards in the suits—the Kings and Knights—are people. Real individuals. So we’ll decide whose banner to stand under this winter: Swords or Cups. As a country, we have to decide. If we keep going with swords, it’ll be the end of the democratic republic. If we choose cups, we’re going to have to heal that ego divide. I don’t know how to do that; I can’t give any practical tips because I’m a 30-year-old writer, a flawed human being with little experience in healing a divided nation. The obvious and

elusive answer is love. It’s what the cups are known for. I can’t tell you what that looks like, practically or metaphorically, but I’m reminded of a quote from ”The Chaldean Oracles,” which says the divine: “sowed the bond of Love, heavy with fire, into all things.” So maybe this fiery Love can help us move forward, help bring forth something new. Fire gave us the whole cosmos, after all. Let’s hope it can help create something good. And let’s hope we don’t burn the house down, with all of us still inside.

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Cum again As you can see by my signature, Dan, I’m a linguist. On your podcast you frequently ask researchers “whatchyougot” on all kinds of sexand-romance-related questions, I thought maybe you’d be interested in some expertise on linguistic matters too. And I have some on “cum,” “cumming,” and (shudder) “cummed.” The technical term here used among linguists for this kind of phenomenon is “peeve.” Let me clarify, it’s not the “cum,” “cumming,” and “cummed” that’s a peeve but the shuddering. You see, the snide sound there is due to the fact that what causes peevers to shudder causes linguists to get interested. The point is language always changes, and linguists are interested in these changes however much they horrify normal people. (That’s our technical term for non-linguists.) Grandparents are forever lamenting about how their grandchildren’s generation is ruining the language. Documentation of this phenomenon goes back to the Roman times. And indeed generations upon generations of grandchildren turned Latin into Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese, Romanian, Catalan and host of lesser known forms of ruination. In terms of the sticky substance at hand (or on hand), cum as a verb and cumming are just alternative spellings, which are common enough for slang. It’s slang! You really gonna insist slang follow uptight and buttoned-down spelling rules, Dan? That’s just stoopid. Cummed is more interesting—and also causes peevers to shudder—because it’s a real change in the language. But why shudder? Why not appreciate it instead? “Cummed” shows us how creative we are with our language, how we play with it, and in this case do something useful, differentiating the sublime “got off” (climaxed) from the banal “got there” (arrived). Don’t fall into useless peeving, Dan! You’ve famously instigated language change. Just ask Rick Santorum, your former college roommate, or the men who’ve cummed and cummed hard while a nice vagina-haver pegged their ass.— Michael Newman, Professor of Linguistics and Chair Department of Linguistics and Communication Disorders, Queens College/CUNY

genitalia—or the genitals of penis-havers—I don’t see why “come” needs to be spelled “cum” when referring to someone climaxing or when referring to ejaculate. Of all the words out there with more than one meaning—dick, dong, cock, pussy, beaver, box, crack, rack, sack—why does this one require special linguistic treatment? Interesting take on cum..... as your column ventured into linguistics. How do you feel about “tonite” for “tonight” or “lite” for “light”? Inquiring minds want to know.—Commonly Used Mutated Spellings I made inquiries at the website of the world’s best dictionary (and best drag name) MerriamWebster, CUMS, where I learned tonite is “a blasting explosive consisting of a mixture of guncotton with a nitrate” and lite means “made with a lower calorie content or with less of some such ingredient (salt, fat, or alcohol) than usual.” So you can have dinner tonight and wash it down with something lite, CUMS, but don’t have tonite for dinner unless you want to light yourself up.

SAVAGE LOVE

Thank you for taking the time to write, Professor Newman, and please forgive me for peeving you. But the sticky issue for me—if you’ll pardon the expression—remains the seemingly unnecessary and arbitrary use of an alternate spelling in this one instance. As I’ve said before, no one is confused when someone calls a person a “dick” in print and then goes on to wax poetic about the dick they sucked in the next sentence. If we don’t have to spell it “dik” when we’re referring to male

JOE NEWTON

By Dan Savage

I basically agree with your views about spelling the verb as “come.” However, I think one could be a bit more nuanced about usage here. “Come” is rather polite and could easily be used in a romantic context (“Oh god honey I’m about to come”) whereas “cum” has a definite “let’s fuck” feel to it (something not unheard of in your column). Different contexts call for different styles, perhaps. I would also like to make an outright exception for the substance “cum,” which I feel should always be spelled with a “u.” For the noun, using the “u” hardly seems vulgar at all. One might wonder why cum seems more appropriate for denoting semen. I can think of two good reasons. First, “cum” evokes “scum,” which matches the feelings of some (benighted) people that cum is slimy and disgusting. And secondly, the final letters “um” occur in some medical terms—all nouns—which relate to sex, like pudendum, scrotum, rectum, flagellum, perineum. This is a very different association than scum but also seems like part of the story, at least to me.—TK Hm… I agree that an alternate spelling when referring to ejaculate could be helpful. But context also provides clarity. If a man and/or penis-haver says, “My come was everywhere,” no one thinks his/hers/their orgasms are Jesus Christ or dark matter—literally everywhere throughout the universe—but rather that he’s/ she’s/they’re exaggerating about the volume of a recent orgasm to make a point about the

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intensity of pleasure he/she/they derived from it. I’ve been a copy editor for 15 years and a Savage Love reader for much longer. I wanted to chime in on fellow Canadian COME’s letter about the “come” vs “cum” spelling. I fully agree that as a verb, it should be “come” and “came/coming” instead of “cummed/cumming.” But there is a place for “cum”: as a noun when referring to the actual gooey substance (aka semen, ejaculate, spunk, etc). Consider the sentence, “I have come in my mouth.” Are you announcing an act of autofellatio (talk about a cumblebrag!) or are you describing a substance someone else left behind? Or, “How did come get on my jacket?” Doesn’t that just look like a mistake? Millennials love turning nouns into verbs (adulting!) but I think using “come” as a noun is incorrect. And what about describing something as “cummy”? How would you spell that? Comy? Comey? Perhaps we can all come together on this: “come” for the verb of achieving orgasm; “cum” for the noun that describes the resulting emission.—Copyeditor Uses Modification For A Noun Your argument convinced me, CUMFAN. If everyone else agrees to use “come” for the verb, I can swallow “cum” as a noun. The copy editor carries the day! You were close with your advice to Cabin Fever, the man whose teenager was derailing his sex life, but it was still a miss. Instead of telling his kid to “take a fucking walk,” per your advice, he should use the moment to teach. As you said, Dan, even teenage boys realize that happy-and-still-in-love parents are a good thing. So instead of being confrontational, CF and his wife could laugh and pay their son the compliment of being honest: “We enjoy sex but we don’t enjoy it with you in the next room

any more than you enjoy hearing it.” Then come up with someplace for him to go for a few hours that HE wants to go to and make it happen. By being upfront they’ll be modeling healthy adult behavior and a healthy and adult approach to problem solving. This is truly an opportunity for good parenting.—Mom And Dad Are Fucking While I did advise CF to tell his kid to “take a fucking walk” when mommy and daddy wanted to peg, I expected CF to approach that conversation in a tactful and constructive manner. That said, due to the pandemic, there aren’t many places for a kid to go when his parents are fucking. A walk, for now, may be their best option. If CF’s family doesn’t already have a dog, perhaps they should get one. To my readers: There are more important things happening in the world right now than disputes over sexual slang, I realize, but I hope today’s column was a welcome and fleeting distraction from the news… kinda like that viral video of the sweet guy whose cat won’t let him make his audition tape. I am following the news and reacting in real time on Twitter, if you care to hear what I have to say, and like all sane people everywhere I am equal parts furious and mortified. Donald Fucking Trump and every last one of his coconspirators in his family, in his administration, and in Congress belong in prison with every last traitor who stormed the U.S. Capitol last week. Impeach the motherfucker again and indict all the motherfuckers already. Contact mail@savagelove.net. Follow @ FakeDanSavage on Twitter.On savagelovecast. com, Dan and Michael Cee discuss “the wife sharing lifestyle.”

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