Scene december 7, 2016

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$ % # % - " % 2 s 6/ ,5 - % . O 2 3 Dedicated to Free Times founder Richard H. Siegel (1935-1993) and Scene founder Richard Kabat Publisher Chris Keating Editor Vince Grzegorek

CONTENTS

5PFRONT

Editorial Managing Editor Eric Sandy Music Editor Jeff Niesel Staff Writer Sam Allard Writer-at-large Kyle Swenson Web Editor Bliss Davis Dining Editor Douglas Trattner Contributing Dining Editor Rachel Hunt Stage Editor Christine Howey Visual Arts Editor Josh Usmani

Feds will sell public land to drillers, Public Square backlash hits the streets, and more

&EATURE

Advertising Senior Multimedia Account Executive John Crobar, Shayne Rose Multimedia Account Executive Kiara Hunter-Davis

Kristin Hersh

AT -USIC "OX ON 3UNDAY

Welcome to Scene’s annual comedy issue!

Creative Services Production Manager Steve Miluch Layout Editor/Graphic Designer Christine Hahn Staff Photographer Emanuel Wallace

'ET /UT

Dozens of events spanning the next week in Cleveland

Business Asst. To The Publisher Angela Lott Sales Assistant/Receptionist Megan Stimac Staff Accountant Kristy Dotson Circulation Circulation Director Don Kriss Euclid Media Group Chief Executive Offi cer Andrew Zelman Chief Operating Offi cers Chris Keating, Michael Wagner Human Resources Director Lisa Beilstein Digital Operations Coordinator Jaime Monzon Chief Financial Offi cer William Mickey

!RT Artists stop in Cleveland to paint Dakota Access protest mural

3TAGE

www.euclidmediagroup.com National Advertising Voice Media Group 1-800-278-9866, voicemediagroup.com

Blank Canvas Theater mounts a raucous, chilling retelling of the suddenly even-more-relevant musical Cabaret

Cleveland Scene 737 Bolivar Rd, #4100 Cleveland, OH 44115 www.clevescene.com Phone 216-241-7550 Retail & Classifi ed Fax 216-241-6275 Editoral Fax 216-802-7212 E-mail scene@clevescene.com

&ILM

Cleveland Scene Magazine is published every week by Euclid Media Group.

Verifi ed Audit Member Cleveland Distribution Scene is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader Copyright The entire contents of Cleveland Scene Magazine are copyright 2016 by Euclid Media Group. Reproduction in whole or in part without written permission of the publisher is prohibited. Publisher does not assume any liability for unsolicited manuscripts, materials, or other content. Any submission must include a stamped, selfaddressed envelope. All editorial, advertising, and business correspondence should be mailed to the address listed above.

Subscriptions $150 (1 yr); $ 80 (6 mos.) Send name, address and zip code with check or money order to the address listed above with the title ‘Attn: Subscription Department’

Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams shine in Manchester by the Sea

$INING

Notes on the 50-year legacy of Carl Quagliata, the godfather of Cleveland dining

-USIC

...The story continues at clevescene.com

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Heavy hitters Torche, Red Fang and Whores bring tha noises

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SCENE with you with our iPad app!

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COVER ILLUSTRATION BY AARON SECHRIST Printed By

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UPFRONT FEDS WILL AUCTION PUBLIC LAND IN OHIO TO OIL AND GAS DRILLERS Photo by Nick Juhasz.

THIS WEEK

THE BUREAU OF LAND Management will auction leasing rights to 1,676 acres of the Wayne National Forest via online auction on Dec. 13. It’s not quite like eBay, though; this land is earmarked expressly for oil and natural gas drillers — private companies that will use the forest for non-renewable energy production.

The news signals a deep and ongoing commitment among Ohio politicians and the federal government to inextricably tie the state’s public (and private) land to fossil fuel production and infrastructure. (Read up on the NEXUS pipeline, below.)

The BLM’s stance manages to shoe-horn the word “sustainable” twice into its public explanation: “The oil and gas leasing program managed by the BLM encourages the sustainable development of domestic oil and gas reserves which reduces the dependence of the United States on foreign sources of energy as part of its multiple-use and sustainable yield mandate.”

Still, the impending loss of acres in Ohio’s only national forest (distinct from a national park) has prompted environmental advocacy groups across the state to fight back.

“This fall, we’ve been continuing to try and educate the public and influence the forest supervisor, Kathleen Atkinson,” says Heather Cantino, member of the Athens County Fracking Action Network, one of the most active groups working against drilling in Southeast Ohio.

Based on recent BLM auctions, an acre of federal public land can sell for as little as $1.50. But average U.S. residents can’t just sign in and bid on these acres; these properties are meant only for private mineral extraction. (“There are very stiff penalties now for trying to lease when you do not

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Wayne National Forest will lose 1,600 acres to private gas drillers next week.

intend to actually extract the oil and gas,” Cantino says.) Environmental advocates have successfully placed bids in other federal auctions, only to have their leases revoked. A Utah man spent 21 months in prison for placing the winning bids on 14 parcels of land in that state.

The concerns don’t end on auction day, however.

The idea, also, is that the lease rights will open up access to private land in the vicinity — access to mineral rights that will now be easier for energy companies to negotiate.

(Fracking companies need contiguous access to get at specific underground natural gas supplies. The process is also known as “horizontal drilling,” so one might easily imagine how

vast swaths of shale can be reached from one particular drilling location.)

“Those are cumulative impacts that are not addressed at all in the EA [environmental assessment],” Cantino says of the scope of this inevitable drilling.

In 2011, then-forest supervisor Anne Carey pulled more than 3,000 Wayne National Forest acres from an upcoming auction. It remains unlikely that current leadership will follow that example. “This will provide us an opportunity to study the surface impacts associated with this deep drilling and see if the surface impacts will be within the zone of what we analyzed for impacts for oil and gas,” she told the Ironton Tribune in 2011.

“This deep drilling is new technology

GOALS

PEOTUS APPROVED

BALLS

Jimmy Haslam preaches continuity at full Browns organization meeting. With 16 straight losses already down, team quickly sets sights on Cavs’ record 26-game losing streak.

Donald Trump taps Cleveland Clinic CEO Toby Cosgrove for non-partisan business leader panel on job growth. Getting McDonald’s back at Clinic assumed to be first item on agenda.

America’s Got Talent auditions come to Cleveland this weekend. Dan Gilbert excited to wow judges by being a billionaire who asks a cash-strapped county for $70 million.

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

that wasn’t on the horizon when we did our forest plan in 2006.”

Those acres were not returned to the auction block until this year.

A change.org petition currently boasts some 97,000 signatures of people opposed to this auction.

NEXUS PIPELINE MOVES ONE STEP CLOSER TO CONSTRUCTION WITH FERC APPROVAL The Federal Energy Regulatory Commission recently greenlit the NEXUS pipeline project and its environment impact on Ohio communities. (The pipeline will also travel through Michigan to Canada; its environmental impact was approved in

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its entirety.)

As far as Northeast Ohio is concerned, the natural gas pipeline is planned to run through fairly dense, almost suburban portions of Stark, Summit, Medina and Lorain counties.

The 36-inch pipeline covers 256 miles, all told.

The FERC environmental impact statement admits there will be â&#x20AC;&#x153;some adverse environmental impacts.â&#x20AC;?

The commission will establish an environmental compliance inspection program as the NEXUS project continues, watching for parent company Spectra Energyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s compliance with environmental regulations.

Well before the route was given this approval, however â&#x20AC;&#x201D; up until the day before the FERC news, in fact, in the city of Green â&#x20AC;&#x201D; surveyors have been entering private property in Northeast Ohio to prepare the construction job. In some cases, armed ofďŹ cers from the county sheriffâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ofďŹ ce have accompanied them. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Spectra Energy is all about timelines,â&#x20AC;? Jon Strong, a Medina County resident and an organizer of the Coalition to Reroute NEXUS, tells Scene. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re trying to do everything they can to short-cycle to when they can start digging and

putting pipe in the ground. On their side of the fence, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;We need to get all our surveys done, come hell or high water, as soon as possible.â&#x20AC;&#x2122;â&#x20AC;?

Multiple Ohio statutes have been upheld in county courts, favoring landownersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; rights when it comes to private surveyors entering property.

Additional civil cases are under way, which may or may not have an impact on NEXUS; Strong says that the work being done to cement property ownersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; rights will have an impact on future projects that involved survey work.

Given FERC approval now, NEXUS construction is expected to begin in the spring.

Still, Strongâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s organization and others in the area plan to ďŹ ght the incursion of a natural gas pipeline in their communities. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re just holding them off,â&#x20AC;? he says. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Number one: Do it the way itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s intended to work, the [survey] process. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t cheat. Number two: The longer we put it off, the more time we get for other variables to come affect this process. There are serious industry insiders now starting to question the need for all this pipeline taking away capacity.

Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re overbuilding the infrastructure.â&#x20AC;?

(Energy Transfersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Rover pipeline, if approved, will boast a 42-inch diameter pipe in some areas, and may run through a nearly identical route across Ohio. Energy Transfers owns Dakota Access LLC, as well.)

A Dakota Access protester offers â&#x20AC;&#x153;free waterâ&#x20AC;? in downtown Cleveland on Dec. 3. â&#x20AC;&#x153;This is your future!

This is your grandchildrenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s water!â&#x20AC;?

Note that, just last week, a pipeline exploded outside Kansas City. In October, a pipeline exploded in Alabama, killing one person and injuring others. Safety concerns remain high on the priority lists of pipeline opponents, alongside legal, environmental and business-related issues.

Last year, Scene traveled to the Marcellus-Utica Midstream Conference in Pittsburgh. (The “midstream” portion of the energy industry refers most commonly to pipeline transportation.) During a Q & A session with Barry Davis, CEO of Enlink Midstream Partners, we asked about the long-term impact of drilling and pipeline construction: i.e., what are Americans to make of the inevitable financial bust and environmental harm that will always be a part of the business cycle? Davis demurred, citing a 40- to 80-year lifespan for most wells.

The Ohio Chamber of Commerce has publicly stated that the pipeline construction and operation will create 6,800 jobs and provide an $830-million economic impact.

“I’m not fighting the fact that you want to build a pipeline,” Strong says.

“I’m fighting the fact that you want to take it through heavily populated counties in Northeast Ohio to get where you’re going when you don’t have to. You can go around the outside, so to speak, and put this in a place that makes more sense to people, that’s more considerate of the environment and community.”

investigation process (at least in Ohio law enforcement history).

“This case really represents the worst fears of any parents,” DeWine said, remarking on the number of parents who were working as police officers and investigators in this case. Hundreds of hours turned up few leads. With nowhere to turn, DeWine’s office took a leap.

Under DeWine, this case marked first time that BCI used “familial DNA search.” If crime scene DNA does not match any samples in BCI database, BCI can now search for DNA that identifies someone with a “genetic near match” to the person who committed the crime.

The search will pull up the top 200 DNA matches (out of a bank of some 600,000, DeWine said). From there, the office can zero in on a suspect who shows probable cause, then collect actual DNA and do “more traditional DNA work.”

As investigators narrowed their search criteria, DNA found on a ladder in the Elyria case matched the DNA of the Cleveland 6-year-old’s rapist.

Familial DNA search tools have been used in other states — not without ongoing public debate. The technology continues to raise Fourth Amendment questions. BCI scientists were told to work 24/7 on this case in recent weeks, DeWine said.

“Familial DNA will be used most carefully,” McGinty said. “This will be used only in the most serious of cases. Without it, this case would not have been solved.”

FBI ARRESTS SUSPECT IN CLEVELAND, ELYRIA KIDNAPPING CASES

BUSES WHERE? PUBLIC SQUARE

Police officers and the FBI arrested a suspect in Cleveland and Elyria kidnapping and rape cases from earlier this year. Justin Andrew Christian, born in 1987, was arrested Dec. 2.

Cuyahoga County prosecutor Timothy McGinty called him “one of the most sick and warped people I’ve met in a long career.” His crimes took place in February in Elyria and in May in Cleveland, though there may be other crimes that he committed. McGinty said that, before long, it was clear that a serial rapist was abducting children from their homes.

He also said that the man may have used social media to target his young victims.

Attorney general Mike DeWine joined multiple agencies in downtown Cleveland Monday morning to announce the arrest and explain the fairly unprecedented

The battle lines were more clearly drawn and more muscularly fortified in the city’s Public Square debate this weekend, as Cleveland.com sided with Mayor Frank Jackson.

Jackson announced last month that the strip of Superior Avenue through Public Square would be permanently closed to buses. And in an editorial published in Sunday’s Plain Dealer, the editorial board agreed: Public Square should be closed to buses, they said, “for the public’s sake.”

Which public? One might wonder. And it’s a good question.

City councilman Zack Reed, in a meeting last week dedicated to the issue, said Mayor Jackson had spurned transit riders once again, making a dictatorial decision that appeased downtown property owners and business elites who wanted a “$50 million playground” and who viewed bus riders as “low-lifes” and

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“thugs.” The decision is a doublewhammy for riders, who already feel maligned and marginalized

by RTA’s decision this year to raise fares and cut routes in the face of a budget imperiled by dwindling state support.

(Calling Jackson a “dictator,” by the way, is the sort of catchy rhetoric that can be expected from Reed’s presumed mayoral run.)

City safety officials have justified closing Public Square on the grounds of safety, citing concerns — terrorism among them — that were criticized, if not openly mocked, by city council. Those concerns were nonetheless embraced and advanced by the Cleveland.com editorial board.

“After the truck attack in Nice, France, no mayor ought to overlook the possibility of terrorism,” the scribes warned. “Public squares were designed in a quieter time before terrorist considerations and

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168 Number of guns purchased by city of Cleveland in gun buy-back program.

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Photo by Sam Allard

UPFRONT

Chris Stocking speaks out against the decision to close Public Square to buses, while a few dozen protesters join ranks in a plywood-fashioned bus display on Superior Avenue.

wheezing block-long buses were prevalent. Cleveland’s redesigned Public Square has recaptured what it means to have a centrally located, signature pedestrian-oriented gathering space within a city.”

For the record, these are the pedestrians that both Jackson and the editorial board seem to be concerned with: Children.

Tourists.

“Other visitors who now stroll from side to side of the Square.”

There is no mention of the fact that transit riders, up until the moment they board a bus, are also pedestrians, and many of them are also children.

The editorial appeared on the second page of Sunday’s Forum Section (E2, in the parlance), alongside a letter from Content VP Chris Quinn about Cleveland.com’s plans to reinvent their political coverage. During the election season, Quinn wrote, Cleveland.com’s fiveperson political team did not “talk to or take seriously” people with “dire financial woes,” and they failed to see the prevalence of Donald Trump support in Ohio. Quinn said a concrete plan was still in the works, but that part of their new approach would involve traveling the state to “talk to people from all walks of life.”

That’s an idea worth championing, and it’s one that ought to be practiced locally as well. Transit reporter Ginger Christ, who toils on the Plain Dealer side, wrote a piece in the wake of last week’s council meeting titled “In Closing Public Square, People Say Mayor Forgot About Them.” It noted the virtually unanimous opposition to Jackson’s decision during the publiccomment portion of the meeting and the fact that all but one representative from Jackson’s administration had

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

departed before the public got a chance to speak. The piece appeared to take seriously, as the city so often does not, the views of people with dire financial woes.

Talking to and taking seriously the views of daily transit riders, of course, doesn’t mean the editorial board has to agree with them; and the piece does advise that “loyal riders” — and isn’t it telling that they’re referred to in the same way as, say, season ticket holders? — shouldn’t be ignored. But it’s a gross mischaracterization to assign blame and responsibility for the problem (“if a problem exists,” they actually say) to RTA. “RTA has to work harder and in a more transparent way,” the editorial board argues, while giving Jackson a pass for his private, unilateral decision-making, failing to mention the $2.6 million in additional operating expenses that RTA will incur every year due to the rerouting, likewise failing to mention the $12 million in federal support now jeopardized.

Jackson and Joe Calabrese are thought to be preparing a proposal for the Federal Transit Administration, detailing ways in which the city plans to mitigate the operational impact caused by rerouting buses around the square.

The mayor’s chief of staff, Ken Silliman, was confident at last week’s meeting that the proposal would be accepted. When asked what the city would do if the FTA did not accept, Silliman said the city would “cross that bridge when [they came] to it.”

The city would provide no update on the proposal’s progress. RTA told Scene Monday morning only that the submission had not yet been made.

On Saturday afternoon, RTA riders and transit advocates gathered on a

chilly Public Square to protest the closure. Speakers from Clevelanders for Public Transit, All Aboard Ohio, the Amalgamated Transit Union and others gave personal testimony.

The demonstrators gazed out from the open windows of a plywood RTA bus, constructed and painted by six organizers the night before. Chants of “Transit where? Public Square!

Transit where? Public Square!” were interspersed among the prepared remarks, which alluded to the financial woes of both riders, the RTA and the city of Cleveland, which not only just secured an income tax hike but is also actively seeking cooperation from the Republicancontrolled state legislature to quash local minimum-wage legislation, another popular issue among the transit advocacy crowd.

Zack Reed, from the front of the bus, muttered “dictator” twice at the mention of Frank Jackson’s name. He couldn’t contain himself.

The Public Square issue is picking up considerable steam. City council vowed that last week’s hearing would be the first of many on the topic and local media outlets are getting wise to the issue’s civic importance. Scene spoke on The Sound of Ideas on WCPN Thursday about the council meeting; and Cleveland 19 News, of all earthly outlets, published an editorial of its own, calling out the city for making this an issue long after it had any right to.

“This editorial lasts about a minute,” said Eric Schrader, the station’s general manager, in the video screed, “which is about a minute longer than the time spent getting public input on a situation that impacts a lot of people.”

scene@clevescene.com t @clevelandscene

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FRAMED!

our best shots from last week Photos by Emanuel Wallace

Buddy made it @ Light Up Lakewood

Fireworks in winter @ Light Up Lakewood

Winter parade @ Light Up Lakewood

Marching @ Light Up Lakewood

All the jingle ladies @ Scene’s Holiday Bar Blast

Christmas tree cheer @ MIX: Next

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Sweater season @ MIX: Next

Never miss a beat!

See more pics @ clevescene.com Art! @ MIX: Next

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

Share your best shots with SCENE – just tag or mention us! ™ @ clevescene t @ cleveland_scene ` #LEVELAND3CENE s CLEVESCENE

FEATURE

WELCOME TO THE 4TH ANNUAL COMEDY ISSUE

F

or the fourth year in a row now, we’ve made the possibly misguided decision to throw open our pages to a small army of people who are here to make you laugh.

With essentially no limits on what they chose to write about, and even less guidance and editing afterward, what follows is an issue that shines with comic gems and laughs aplenty because of, not despite of, that arrangement. After all, our select batch of comedy writers, both professional and otherwise, know far more than we do about making you smile. As various Facebook comment sections have noted, we tend to bring the mood down. Sorry about that. We’ll get back to some of the sadder and more nefarious aspects of Cleveland next week. In the meantime, enjoy the respite with tales of Barack Obama’s turn as a wingman for Chad Weaver in the early 1980s, a how-to on eating out (because you’re actually doing it wrong), confessions from the West Side Market and more. Enjoy.

10 TIMES CLEVELANDERS DESERVE TO THROW A PARADE

By Marissa DeSantis In the post-Cavs championship parade new world of Cleveland, we all got a little greedy. We prematurely made Facebook events for the Indians World Series victory parades and the Browns reverse perfect season celebration. And who could blame us? The last time I felt that much of a communal high was during an Erykah Badu set at Bonnaroo.

But this is Cleveland. We know celebrations at this scale are few and far between. Like, decades between.

But we have to enjoy the little things here. The consolation parades.

Here are a few everyday Cleveland occurrences that warrant ticker tape, mounted police and confetti.

You found a parking spot in Ohio City on a Market Day. Oh, you just wanted to stop at the bank and grab a quick cup of coffee? Too bad, friend. The parking situation is basically Black Friday at

the mall.

That’s just not how it works around here and you know it. But what’s this?

A suburban dad can’t seem to figure out how to parallel park his Enclave into that non-metered spot on 26th? That’s all you, buddy. Do a victory lap through the Market and “accidentally” knock some leashed kids upside the head with a baguette to commemorate the occasion.

You completed a transaction at the Steelyard Walmart in less than half an hour, without making eye contact once. | clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

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17

FEATURE Stop in the kidsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; party aisle on the way out, ďŹ nd yourself a hopefully unopened box of Dora the Explorer favors, and kazoo yourself out of this 24-hour dead-eyed circle of hell.

Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re worth it, champion.

You attended your friendâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s party on the east side/west side without complaining about the drive once.

Yeah, the Cavs game just let out and I-90â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s backed up. And sure, maybe you wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be able to go nuts with the Christmas Ales at your buddyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s friendsgiving karaoke party because youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a responsible human being. But you graciously accept the invitation and resist complaining or acting entitled because you drove all this way. Take a few laps around University Circle and/or West 25th Street with your hazards on to celebrate. You might as well â&#x20AC;&#x201D; youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve already spent way too much on gas tonight.

That girl from accounting was like, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Hey, this weather, right?â&#x20AC;? and you straight up ignored her.

Seventy degrees on November 15th? Frozen rain on November

16th? Yeah, it IS crazy! But you resisted making the following comments: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Hey, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s global warming, huh?â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;If you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like it, wait an hour, am I right?â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Cleveland! Like it or leave it, Brenda!â&#x20AC;?

And for that, you deserve a championship scale parade and my utmost respect and gratitude.

You said you werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t going to watch the Browns game this Sunday â&#x20AC;Ś and then you actually didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t watch it!

Even when your old man invited you over. Even when your co-worker offered to give you loaded value tickets for free. You stayed strong.

You distracted yourself with NetďŹ&#x201A;ix and laundry. You breathed fresh, non-sad air in the Metroparks. You actually looked at your partner/ dog without tears in your eyes. You feel powerful enough to push the whole damn stadium into the lake.

And you are that powerful. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a winner.

You didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hear the term â&#x20AC;&#x153;Hingetownâ&#x20AC;? today. #blessed #thisisCLE #urbanrenewal

You survived a mid-week show with four local openers at the Grog Shop.

Yeah, it would be cool to see that hip-hop legacy act in such an awesome, small, independent venue.

Oh, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s on a Tuesday, there are four local openers, the doors are at 9 and youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a westsider? Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s do the math â&#x20AC;Ś yep, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re getting home 3 a.m.

But youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a warrior. And you paced yourself with the booze and wore comfortable shoes. Was it worth it?

Hell yeah it was. You just earned yourself a minor Cleveland victory parade with an EPMD/Slick Rick/ Ghostface soundtrack. Hope you took Wednesday off though.

You resisted commenting on a Cleveland.com political article.

Bonus points if you were also able to resist reading the comments. +1 if itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an article about retiring Chief Wahoo. +3 if itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s election-related. +5 if it involves Cleveland law enforcement.

You resisted sharing and/ or writing another thinkpiece about how Cleveland is The New Portland, Brooklyn, Austin, et al.

You get it. We have small-batch coffee roasters, a pop-up comedy scene, and a 3-D printer. But youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re

too smart to think that anythingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the new anything, and youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not afraid to say it. For that, hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s your crown.

LeBron is still really good at basketball.

Mod-out your pickup with a big screen and drive around town replaying The Block on a loop.

Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll all fall in line â&#x20AC;&#x2122;til your wake is a mess of high-ďŹ ves and grownman/lady tears, just like they did during the actual parade. Thanks, LeBron.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR OF SCENE

By Adam Richarde Terry Francona NOT deserving of Manager of the Year Dear Editor, I was shocked to see that Terry Francona had been named the AL Manager of the Year. The Cleveland Indians had a season to remember, but Tito is getting too much credit for their 2016 success. His lapse in judgment, especially in the use of our starting pitchers, is why we lost the World Series. What should have been our greatest strength against

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the Cubs ended up being a total flub thanks to his perplexing (and illfated) decisions. Just look at who he thought would be the perfect person to first take the mound for Game 1 of the World Series. Kenny. Fucking.

Lofton.

Um, what? Lofton hasn’t played professional baseball in YEARS and Francona picks a guy THAT WASN’T EVEN A PITCHER to throw out the first pitch? Don’t get me wrong — I love Kenny Lofton — but even if he were a pitcher, you know he was coming into the game with more than a little bit of rust on him.

And who did Terry “Manager of the Year” Francona pick for Game 2? Carlos Baerga. Jesus Christ, I thought that guy was dead. I gotta give Tito credit for at least knowing to pull them quick and righting the ship by playing Kluber, but what was he thinking in letting these wash-ups take the mound at the start? Give me a break.

Signed, Ed W., Tremont US Government — Stay out of my home!

Dear Editor, In the wake of the recent election, I’ve been getting a lot of criticism for voting 3rd party. As someone that identifies as a Libertarian, I’m proud to have voted for a party that truly believes in small government.

Both Republicans and Democrats have proven they’re incapable of leading this country and, to make matters worse, both sides seem hellbent on taking away my God given rights as a US citizen. The government has no place within my home or how I choose to live my life. After all, it’s none of your business if after a long day at work I decide to go home, lock the door, shut the blinds, and walk around my apartment completely clothed from head to toe.

What happened to freedom?

Liberty? The right to wear as many layers of clothes necessary to protect my skin from the dust? Our American rights are being stripped away, but they won’t strip me. I’ll double down on my Down jackets,

long underwear, and scarves. Wake up, sheep! When one freedom goes, so does another. It won’t be long until Big Government tries to stop me from sleeping standing up with every possible light turned on. Well, I won’t have it! Don’t tread on my threads!

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Signed, Ken H., Independence Notable music artist should be written as one.

Dear Editor, I was flattered to see that Scene had recently published an article revisiting my seminal New Age classic, “A Day Without Rain.”

While I appreciate the enthusiasm and passion of the writer, I object to her consistent and false claim that I am a glowing, otherworldly ball of light.

I’m a person and it’s time Scene Magazine do their journalistic due diligence and treat me as such.

I am not, as your writer seems to think, a “physicsdefying, interstellar being, pulsating with gamma rays.” My body does not consist of “a million pure metagalactic orbs” nor am I a “threat” to those that look directly at me. These outright lies have done little to help me win over new fans of adult contemporary world music.

I’m confident the author will one day be a talented music writer, however her errors here were glaring and confounding. She should know that “A Day Without Rain” was my 6th studio album, not an “extraterrestrial debut consummated inside of a black hole.”

The album was produced by Nicky Ryan, not “Space Beast.” I write my music like any other songwriter, not by “oozing otherworldly sounds that drip in hypnotic technicolor.” While I intend for my music to soothe and comfort the listener, I do not wish for them to enter “an unbreakable state of cryostasis” so that “more of my kind” can “destroy the planet of Earth.”

I look forward to reading a corrected version soon. All of the best, Signed, Enya, Ireland

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19

FEATURE SEVEN THINGS RICH PEOPLE DO THAT YOU ARENâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;T DOING

By Jim Tews Stop thinking about your bank account and start living, because thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s what a rich person would do.

Rich people donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t worry as much, and thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s why theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re rich. As Americans, we know great ďŹ nancial success is just around the corner.

Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re only one lottery ticket, one simple invention, one slip and fall on some city-owned stairs away from becoming ďŹ&#x201A;ush with cash. All you have to do is wait with the right attitude, and youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll become the kind of person youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve always known yourself to be: rich, and better than your neighbor.

To get yourself started, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s really a matter of changing some habits that are holding you back.

Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s take a look at these seven simple things rich people do, that you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t.

Number One: Rich people rarely check their bank account balance.

Rich people donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t check their

bank account balance very often.

And when they do, they donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t cry, dry heave, or wince. If you do have to check your balance, train yourself to steel your nerves beforehand.

Maintain a poker face when both those digits look you in the eye. Will this make you instantly rich? No, but it will let the universe know that you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be slowed down by low funds.

Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re only better than the banks and their rules if you think you are.

This is

something rich people have known for a long time.

Number Two: Rich people make large purchases without a second thought.

When you make a large purchase, try not to throw up. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hard, but you can do it. Have you ever seen a rich person buy something? I have. They donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even blink. Before I learned better, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d lose my lunch any

time I bought something over thirty dollars. Right there in the store.

Even if it was something I needed.

Not only was it embarrassing, but it was also not cost-effective, seeing as Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d lost valuable calories. Calories that had to be replaced with food I would have to purchase. Hopefully for a sum low enough to keep the whole thing from happening again.

Number Three: Rich people fall asleep soundly, without a care.

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think about your ďŹ nances when youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re lying in bed about to fall asleep. Rich people donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t do that. You do, and it keeps you up well into the night. It causes your back to spasm and your eyes to twitch. If you have trouble relaxing, try meditating. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s free and even some rich people do it.

If that doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t work, try reading the Wall Street Journal, or one of those papers that has the stock market

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stuff in it. Rich people are always doing that, and itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s very dry stuff. It will put you to sleep incredibly fast.

Number Four: Wake up gradually and peacefully, without a care.

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t wake up screaming the crust from your eyes. Wake up nice and easy. Allot yourself that extra time. Get one of those jobs that just doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t give a shit if you show up on time. If you show up a little late, claim to also be working late.

Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s how rich people do it. And get someone to bring you breakfast.

Rich people do this often, and it seems to really help.

Number Five: Live in house thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s very large.

I knew a rich guy once, and he lived in a six-bedroom house, but it was just him and his wife, who lived in Milan half the year. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re living in a place thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s too small, or your wife doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t go to Milan half the year, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re going to have a hard time clearing your head. And you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think about getting rich if your head is full of roommate bullshit.

Number Six: Eat fresh vegetables.

You never see a really rich person slamming Pringles like a long

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21

FEATURE haul trucker. If you’re hungry, eat a vegetable. Rich people learned long ago that a healthy diet of fresh foods and lean proteins helps you get richer. That’s why you see them eating stuff like that all the time.

It looks weird to us because of the variety of colors and textures, but it’s actually really good for you.

Number Seven: Be super goodlooking without really trying.

I saved this for last because it’s a big one. Have you ever noticed that a lot of rich people are also undeniably, physically attractive? It’s another long-held secret, many of them are totally hot. There are some that aren’t, but if you notice, not a lot of other rich people talk to them the same way. And they think it’s funny that they’re rich. If you want to get richer, you have to get invited to rich people parties, and they’re not going to invite you if they consider you a joke. So just be very symmetrical and well-distributed, and moisturize.

Rich people are never dry.

Give these seven things a try, and you’ll be surprised what you find.

You’re just as good as all those rich

22

people, and the world is going to know it pretty soon.

THE FIRST TIME I HAD SEX

By Chad Weaver The other day I was cleaning out my room and came across a dusty relic of a forgotten time. As I picked it up and blew the dust off of it, I looked at the words that were inscribed on the purple trophy, the words that said, “Chad Weaver Pretty Good Doing Sex - 2016.” It made me smile, thinking of how young I was back when my friends had given me that trophy after the first time I had sex. We were all so young back then, my friends and I, but I remember that night like it was yesterday. I think that’s a night we’d all remember, the night the Bonertown Booty Boys got ol’ Chad Weaver laid.

The year was 1982, the city was Akron, the time was a cool night in November (almost as cool as we were), and the place was none other than The Happening Lounge. The Happening Lounge was the club the Bonertown Booty Boys called home, and we were there so often that

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

people just called it The Bootyhole.

It was definitely The Bootyhole that night, because all the Booty Boys were represented: You had yours truly, Chad Weaver, or as the boys called me, “C-Section,” because I was the reason your mother wears a one-piece bathing suit. Though I just preferred Chaddy Daddy, because I was shy, quiet and would never be able to look you in the eye.

Then there was “B.O.,” Barack Obama, who we called “Nope 44” on account of the fact that Barry was always saying he’d never become the 44th President of the United States.

Judging by the stuff we’d seen him do, we didn’t think he would either.

Next was Cardboard Chad Weaver (no relation), a cardboard cutout that looked just like me (but again, no relation). It was legend that the entire Akron rubber industry had

only been kept alive up to this point by the sheer amount of condoms Cardboard Chad Weaver purchased.

We found out later that Cardboard Chad Weaver always felt like he was only 2-dimensional and filled the hole inside of him by filling every hole he could find.

And finally there was Gary “The Rock” Fitzgerald, our hotheaded Irish friend who was also a talking basketball.

Together we were the Bonertown Booty Boys.

In Akron we were kings, and everyone knew that when you were inside our Bootyhole you were our subjects.

Now that night in November started just like any other, with all us Booty Boys piling into our Bootyhole for sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll, though all the Boys knew that I liked my sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll with the sex on the side since I was still a virgin.

My memory of the night begins with us all at the bar, ordering food and drinks. “Feed me The Rock!” yelled Gary, our talking basketball friend. The bartender looked slightly annoyed that Gary yelled at him, and snapped back, “When are you guys gonna’ stop coming here?” The bartender had a right to be bothered, but in Gary’s defense he had to yell because our Bootyhole was packed that night. Barack Obama noticed that Gary had rubbed the bartender the wrong way and tried to comfort him by saying, “Hey man, sorry about Gary, but all I know is I’ll never be the 44th President of these United States!” I was just about to explain how that was classic “B.O.” when I spotted a beauty the likes of which I had never seen within The Bootyhole. My jaw must have dropped when I saw her, because Cardboard Chad Weaver looked at me then followed my gaze to her.

“Looks like Chaddy Daddy just found a mommy! Hey man, if you want to try to talk to her I can give you one of my many condoms, though I know you like your sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll with the sex on the side since you’re still a virgin,” Cardboard Chad Weaver said, repetitively. “Oh wow Chad, she’s beautiful! She looks like 44th President of the United States material, unlike me!” Barry said, which was SO him. Gary joined in and said, “Chad go pass her The Rock if you know what I’m saying!”

We had no idea what he was saying.

“Well Chad, there’s only one way you’re going to lose your virginity, and that’s by talking to her and taking her on a hump parade down Boner Boulevard,” Cardboard Chad Weaver explained, then pushed me in the direction of her.

Scared to go talk to this beautiful woman but more scared of letting down the Bonertown Boys, I made my way across the Bootyhole to lean up against the wall beside her.

After nervously glancing in her direction a few times I mustered up the courage to say to her, “Hi, I’m Chad, I think you’re super cute and I don’t know if you know this but you’re inside my Bootyhole right now.” As I said this she suddenly turned to me, grabbed me by the throat and pulled a nunchuck out of nowhere. “Uh, at least buy me dinner first?” I said in total confusion.

“Don’t move,” she said coolly (almost as cool as the Boys). “Wha...” I was cut off as there was an explosion in my Bootyhole. The nunchuck girl and I were thrown down, and I couldn’t see where the rest of the Bonertown Booty Boys

were in all the smoke. As the girl and I picked ourselves up, out of the white, hot, sticky smoke rose three balding, middle-aged men wearing bedazzled-cross-emblazoned T-shirts.

The leader, the Hot Dad Who’s Too Old to Grind But Still Tries, stepped forward and spoke.

“We’re the Hot Dads and we’re here to do one thing: finish off the Bonertown Booty Boys.”

Then the second one, the Hot Dad Who’s Only Staring at Twentysomethings, went running towards Barack, who had wandered out into the middle of the dance floor.

Just as it seemed the Hot Dad Who’s Only Staring at Twentysomethings was about to slam into the neverwanna-be 44th President, a nunchuck came cracking into the Hot Dad’s face, bloodying his carefully botoxed lips and sending him running for the exit. It was the girl I had tried to talk to earlier — she had saved Barry O! The leader of the Hot Dads was furious and screamed, “Why are you defending the Booty Boys? Don’t make this or them harder than this or they have to be! Who are you?!”

“Who am I? I’m Your Mom, and nobody’s getting soft on my watch,” she said as she went leaping into the air, preparing to throw a flying karate kick into the Hot Dad Who’s Too Old to Grind But Still Tries.

However the third and most deadly of all the dads, the Hot Dad Who’s Banging Your Mom, hit Your Mom with the kind of violence I do not want to describe here. Needless to say that after the Hot Dad Who’s Banging Your Mom was done with Your Mom, she was finished.

By now Barack, Cardboard Chad Weaver, Gary and I had gathered together, knowing that we were on our own. The two Hot Dads had us cornered and they knew it, slowly approaching us and laughing. The Bonertown Booty Boys glanced at each other, with the knowledge in our hearts that this could be the last time we were alive in our Bootyhole together. We looked despaired, until Barack turned hardened, like the true Bonertown Booty Boy he was, and said, “Listen Boys, I will never be the 44th President of the United States, but that doesn’t mean we’re not going to make it out of here alive to see me not become the 44th President.”

With those words, “B.O.” ran out and swung wide to about 28 feet away from the Hot Dads. The Hot Dads stopped, looking confused.

Once out there, Barack, with a twinkle in his eye, called out, “Feed me The Rock.” We knew exactly

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23

FEATURE what to do, as Gary bounced into my hands and I fired a bullet pass directly to Obama.

Barry caught Gary and, in one smooth motion that summoned from Barack all the fury of Hawaii, shot a jumper with pinpoint accuracy towards the bulge in the Hot Dad Who Banged Your Mom’s pants, destroying him and his most lethal weapon.

The final Hot Dad stood there in shock and horror, much like the reaction of the people he attempted to grind on. While the Hot Dad leader was stunned, Cardboard Chad Weaver dove into him. Then Cardboard Chad Weaver, using his signature move, rubbed himself on the Dad thereby drying out his skin and giving him some wicked cardboard cuts.

“No! Not my overly tanned and perfectly leathery skin!” cried out the Hot Dad. The Bonertown Booty Boys gave each other a glance and knew exactly what to do next.

“You’re not our real dad!” we all yelled as we threw the Hot Dad out of our Bootyhole.

To celebrate our victory, me, Barack Obama, Gary the talking basketball and Cardboard Chad Weaver all saddled up to the bar for a drink. The bartender emerged from his hiding place and looked at us with relief. As we pulled out our wallets the bartender waved them off, looked us each in the eye and said, “Listen, as far as I’m concerned, the Bonertown Booty Boys can come in The Bootyhole anytime.”

And that, my friends, is the story of the first time I had sex.

Guardians of Traffic “We played rock-paper-scissors to see who got to hold the dump truck.

Gary won and he’s been a real dick about it ever since.”

Terminal Tower “I can’t say exactly what it means, but if you see me turn blue, green and purple, just drop everything and run. Trust me.”

Public Square “Food scraps nourish the pigeons. The pigeons nourish the square.”

Free Stamp “I don’t think it’s too much to ask for someone to bring me the occasional taco. Nothing special, just whatever’s on those food trucks would do as long as it’s a taco. I like tacos.”

Chief Wahoo Sign at Western Reserve Historical Society “Wait. They still have pictures of me on the outside? On their uniforms? For sale in the gift shop?

Wow. That’s crazy. Really? Still? Are you screwing with me?”

West Side Market “I’m the Torso Murderer.”

HEARD AROUND CLEVELAND: LANDMARKS EDITION

By James Catullo Where we talk to prominent Clevelanders to find out what’s on their minds.

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame “There’s no rule that says you can’t walk right up my side.

Actually — they don’t advertise this but it’s 100% true — the first person to reach the top gets to pick anything they want from the Jimi Hendrix case.”

24

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

SO, IT’S YOUR FIRST CHRISTMAS ALONE

By Sarah Vulpio The holidays are a time for family, good food, and checking your account balance to make sure you didn’t overdraft after Black Friday. (Spoiler alert: you probably did. You always do.) The holidays are also a time for love, according to every ABC Family original movie ever made.

Exactly one year ago, I

| clevescene.com m | December 7 - 13, 2016

25

FEATURE was in love. I was in total everyone-hates-me-becauseIâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m-so-happy-and-I-want-to-telleveryone-about-it-even-the-dudemaking-my-sandwich-at-Subway kind of love.

This year, I am not. This year, I am single. This year, I wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have the pleasure of ďŹ lling my friendsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Facebook feeds with photos of my boyfriend and I partaking in wintertime activities, including â&#x20AC;&#x201D; but not limited to â&#x20AC;&#x201D; ice skating, decorating the tree, and kissing under the mistletoe, in the middle of a frozen lake, or in the Christmas section of Walmart. But donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t feel bad for me; I am not alone.

Approximately 450,000 Americans will be single this Christmas (if you trust a stranger to report potentially false statistics, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s on you). That means this Christmas there will be 450,000 people sadder than a child who found out Santa isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t real. (I hope you already knew that Santa isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t real. If you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m sorry I was the one to tell you.

Why youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re just ďŹ nding this out now is none of my business, but

someone had to say it.)

If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re like me, this will be your ďŹ rst holiday after a breakup, and celebrating your ďŹ rst Christmas as newly single can be tough. Sure, people are dying of starvation in Third World countries,

but your tears are valid too. To help you get through a time that isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t so merry and bright (for those of you who didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t catch that, I just made a reference to the 1942 hit, â&#x20AC;&#x153;White Christmasâ&#x20AC;? by Bing Crosby, a very popular Christmas song), here are some tips on how to deal with your ďŹ rst Christmas alone:

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

Think About Volunteering Christmas is the season of giving, and what better way to give back this year than volunteering that isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t court-mandated? You donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even need to actually go out and volunteer your own time; just share some article on Facebook about a touching story of someone who spent his Christmas holiday volunteering in Haiti. It will show people you thought about volunteering, but with all of the busyness of the season, you just didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have the time. Just do what you always do and look down as you pass the Salvation Army donation collector outside of Walmart so you can pretend you didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t see him.

Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll donate on the way out. Oh, whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s that? You left your wallet at home? Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t worry; there are plenty more articles you can share.

Those Steve Madden shoes? That Michael Kors watch? That collection of expensive teas you read will help you lose weight by making you poop six times a day? Buy all of it. After all, you deserve it. When youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re forced to buy your mother a cat calendar when she deserves at least a discount candle because your credit card got declined after the great poop-tea purchase, just remember: you deserve it. When you have to look your sister in the eye as she opens your re-gifted Reba McEntire Christmas CD because you spent her Christmas gift money on a teeth-whitening service, remember: you deserve it. And when you completely forgot to get your father anything because you were too excited about the free shipping on your Keurig, you should really think about your choices. He created you â&#x20AC;&#x201D; at least get him some socks.

Justify Buying Yourself Something Expensive By Telling Yourself You Deserve It You hinted at your ex for months about that expensive gift you were hoping theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d get you, but now it looks like youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll have to get it for yourself. With your ex out of the picture, you have more money to spend on what really matters: you.

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Look Any Relatives in the Eye Though you asked your mom to brief the family about not asking questions regarding the breakup, there is going to be at least one relative who never got the memo, or did and doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know how to read a room. That relative wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t ask you about it at ďŹ rst because he or

she will be too busy making sure you know that getting a degree in communications was worthless, followed by several backhanded compliments about your weight.

If possible, it’s best to avoid eye contact at all costs; however, if you do happen to lock eyes as you’re passing the mashed potatoes during dinner, don’t look away. Intrusive relatives can smell fear. Instead, when Aunt Linda asks you, “What happened to [insert ex’s name here]?” smile, and politely tell her you’ve been watching her spike her drink all night, even though she’s been telling everyone that she’s six-months sober. Not only will she drop the subject, she’ll also be so embarrassed that she’ll continue to drink and cause a scene between herself and your mother about who got the better half of your dead grandmother’s will. Hey, more mashed potatoes for you.

Marry Your Cousin There’s always been something about your cousin, Eric. He just … gets you. He never pries at family get-togethers, never complains about sitting at the kids’ table, and with his new haircut, he doesn’t resemble Uncle Dan as much. You’re pretty much damaged goods at this point, and Eric isn’t picky. You’ve already seen each other naked in the bathtub when you were five, so there are no surprises. You also both share a hatred for Aunt Linda after she ruined Christmas three years in a row (heroin isn’t for everybody). This might be your last chance at love, and you shouldn’t let something as silly as having the same last name get in your way.

By following these simple tips, you can make sure your Christmas holiday isn’t ruined by heartbreak.

You’ll find there are plenty of ways you can still enjoy the season, alone; however, if your ex decides to text you “Merry Christmas,” with one or several appropriately themed emojis, you should probably just sleep with them. You deserve it.

HOW TO GO OUT TO EAT (YES, SOME OF YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG)

birthday and everyone is going out to lunch. What a great idea!

The whole office hasn’t been out together since Kyle got drunk at the Applebee’s Christmas party and almost put his wang in the spinach dip!

By the time lunch hits, you’re a member of a party of 20 who didn’t call ahead, wondering why there’s a 45-minute wait for you to get seated together, but you see three empty tables right there! Relax and understand that everything we do in the restaurant industry is done for a reason. Maybe we just sat six tables before you and don’t want to seat a huge party and back up the kitchen? Maybe those tables are dirty? Maybe we just honestly hate you and don’t give a shit about Dylan’s birthday?

The truth of the matter is we wholeheartedly want you to have the best experience possible from the moment you walk in the doors to the moment you leave, but we are only a part of that. There is a lot of responsibility that falls on you as the guest as well. Whether you’re living out the nightmare of the hypothetical office luncheon above or it’s just you and a friend grabbing lunch, here’s some things you can do to not be a total dipshit when dining out.

Know how many people are in your party Have you ever planned an event and only a few people RSVP? You’re stuck freaking out wondering how much food to make, how much booze to buy, what if Tom shows up with his new girlfriend and Amanda gets pissed?! This is how the host stand feels when you tell them you have between 6 and 23 people showing up. “I think Frank said he was coming. Oh and Debbie said she might stop by too.” Figure this shit out before you step in the door. We can’t quote you a wait time, get you sat in the right section, or properly serve you if we don’t know how many of you there are. Sure, minor adjustments can be made if more or less people show up than anticipated, but don’t be a dick and say you have 10 when you really have 5 because you “like the extra leg room.”

By Mary Santora It’s 11 a.m. on a Tuesday. You’re keeping quiet at your desk, secretly checking Facebook in between emails, because sometimes it’s just so good to be so bad. Then it happens. Sarah in HR told Alex in accounting that it’s Dylan in sales’

Actually take time to read the menu Let’s use the same scenario of you throwing a party. How frustrated do you get when you send out an invitation and then two days before a friend texts you asking the time, your address, what they should

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

27

FEATURE

bring and if there’s a theme? That’s our life. Everyday. So just try to make it easier and do your research before asking questions. It may seem weird, but that’s why we gave you the menu. The company has spent thousands of dollars to have the items we offer neatly printed so that you can conveniently make an informed decision on your meal. Do not be that guy who sits down, doesn’t touch the menu, and vaguely orders “wings,” with no specification as to amount, flavor, condiment accompaniment or anything else. Or worse, sit with a closed menu and ask 25 questions to the server about what kind of salads we have and what’s on all of them. Guess where you can find the answer to literally every question you just asked? In. The. Fucking.

Menu. If you have a specific question about an item, please, by all means, ask it, but for the love of God, do not waste literally everyone’s time inquiring about every ingredient on the Greek salad, when it is listed 12 inches in front of your face.

Wait patiently It may be hard to understand why the food is taking longer than anticipated when “all you ordered was a salad,” but what you have to understand and accept, and this may be the hardest part, is that both the universe and this restaurant do not revolve around you. If you are a part of a large group, chances are you don’t know what everyone ordered, and even more likely than that, Kyle ordered a well done burger with extra

28

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

crispy fries. Fucking Kyle. Always ruining shit. The whole idea, and frankly science, behind the kitchen of a restaurant is to time things out so that everyone in the party gets their food at the same time. So yes, it may only take us 4 minutes to prepare your salad, but goddamn Kyle’s hockey puck of burger takes about 15. So be patient. Oh, and asking the server every 3 minutes, “Is our food coming?” isn’t going to speed up the process at all. (It will, however, allow for us to break the ice with the new trainee. “By the way, business people are super impatient with their lunch, for instance, table 20 ... .”)

Remember what you ordered Oh, please, for the love of God, REMEMBER WHAT YOU ORDERED! Seems like a no brainer, right? WRONG! This is by far my biggest pet peeve because it happens to me at least once a shift.

I just don’t understand it. From the moment I order my meal, all I think about is how badly I want that food in and around my face. How do you forget what you chose to fuel your body?! Here’s the scene: I am running food to a table that is not mine, so I have no idea what each guest has ordered. I’m literally just the middleman. And I say, “Bacon cheeseburger?” Complete silence.

Everyone is just blankly staring at each other with the same look of confusion the entire universe had when Trump won. If you are one of the good ones who does remember their order, this is not the time to participate unless it is your meal. So, when I say, “Bacon

cheeseburger?” with what is clearly a bacon cheeseburger in my hand, don’t chime in with, “I had a Caesar salad.” You are helping no one. I can only imagine you’re the same person who compares someone’s relative dying to when you lost your dog back in sixth grade. We get that you’re trying to help, but there’s a time and a place, like if I had a Caesar salad in my hand and not a bacon cheeseburger. Or if I was as close to my dog as I was to my Aunt Mary. Dick.

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Be courteous and help pre bus I know, I know. You work hard for your money and no one helps you so why should you stack plates when that’s the server’s job?

Hell, at that point, what are you tipping them for anyway!? How about because it’s a nice thing to do that will only speed along the entire process? I’m not saying you have to go over the top and stack everything on the table so that it’s completely clean when the server comes over, but just lend a helping hand and when you’re done with something, move it to the side of the table. We see this the same way we see someone waving a hand when you let them into your lane — polite, respectful. But if they ignore it we cuss you out until you’re out of sight, and even after that.

When the checks come a droppin’, don’t go a floppin’ Ugh, the worst part of it. Oh, you mean the pop isn’t free? Well, sir, you had nine Diet Cokes, so yes, you have to pay the $1.49. Feel free to look over your bill before paying, but don’t be so frugal that you have to question every single item on it.

Extras are extra. If you ask for a side of something that doesn’t come with your meal, you’re going to be charged for that side, whether it is a 50-cent ranch, or a $3 onion ring, extras are extra. Again, I’m sorry you didn’t read the menu (ahem, rule 2, yet again. Is it sinking in yet?) but you have to pay for the things you consume.

TIP (We’ll say it again: Tip) And do it well. If you had literally no issues with your experience from start to finish, then when the check comes it is not the time to evaluate your service.

“Well she did only bring us two refills and our ketchup was empty soooo … .” Stop. Just stop. You’ve heard the age-old saying, “If you can’t afford to tip, don’t go out.”

This is 100% true. You are going out for the atmosphere, experience and convenience. This is something you have to pay for. You are taking

advantage of an amazing system that has been set in place so that you can go into a place and your five children can take over the dining room tossing fries, crayons and each other as far as the eye can see. The least you can do is leave your server a 20% tip. Thats right, 20% is the norm. Not 18%, not, “Jesus only gets 10%, why should you get 15?” 20%. So if you loved them, 30% is great! I am not saying that if you had the worst server of all time who was absent and missed things and messed up your order you still have to tip, but if you enjoyed yourself and the service was great, there’s no reason to leave less than a 20% tip for that server or bartender. The hourly rate for the service industry is currently $4. Show them you appreciate all of their hard work, and believe me, even if you were a total nightmare to deal with, a 25% tip will erase almost everything you did and will leave us happy and eager to serve you the next time you’re in. Even if you break every other rule above.

(But don’t break them. Please.)

scene@clevescene.com t@clevelandscene

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If there is something wrong, say something But then and only then. So if you ordered a burger medium and got one clearly well done, let the server know. I promise we are more than happy to fix our mistakes. However, if you modified the shit out of one of our salads, and then have the audacity to say, “Ohhhhhhh, I didn’t know this had tomatoes,” know that you are openly being mocked in the server’s station. I know this one is punching some of you right in your celiac diseaseridden gut, but it’s simple logic.

How the hell can you modify a salad to the point of “no bacon, no cheese, no croutons, add egg, add cucumber and sub the romaine

lettuce for spinach,” and then claim to not know about the tomatoes that were listed smack dab in the middle of everything you changed?

We want you to enjoy the meal and will do everything in our power to make that happen, and honestly even if you are the one who messed up, we still want to make it right, but how about everyone avoid this situation and closely follow pointer number 2?

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| clevescene.com clev clev cl eveesscene cenee.c ce .com m | December Dece Dece De cemb emb mber err 7 - 113, 3, 22016 3, 016 01

everything you should do this week

GET OUT WED

12/07

FILM

MUSIC

CIM/CWRU Joint Music Program For nearly all of its 100-year history, the Cleveland Museum of Art has presented music from around the world. The CIM/CWRU Joint Music Program fits into that tradition handily, featuring young artists from the Cleveland Institute of Music and Case Western Reserve University’s early and baroque music programs.

Tonight’s concert features the CWRU Collegium Musicum and Early Music Singers presenting a program of 14thcentury French music by Guillaume de Machaut and his contemporaries in conjunction with the exhibition Myth and Mystique: Cleveland’s Gothic Table Fountain. The one-hour performance starts at 6 p.m. The series continues on the first Wednesday of each month through May 3, 2017. (Jeff Niesel) 11150 East Blvd., 216-421-7350, clevelandart.org.

SPOKEN WORD

Cleveland Stories Dinner Parties Earlier this year, Music Box Supper Club launched Cleveland Stories Dinner Party, a weekly series that pairs fine food with storytelling. The series aims to help raise awareness of the mission of the Western Reserve Historical Society’s new Cleveland History Center. The club’s owners consider the Cleveland History Center to be “one of the most interesting museums in Cleveland” and “an unknown gem that Clevelanders should know more about and support.”

The goal of the Cleveland Stories Dinner Party is to “bring to life some of the fun, interesting stories about Cleveland’s past — from sports, to rock ’n’ roll, to Millionaires’ Row.” Each week features a guest speaker and a custom prix fixe menu — a full three-course meal for only $20. The popular series resumes tonight at 7:30 with author Greg Deegan, who’ll speak about how Cleveland sports fans survived the championship drought that finally ended this year. The menu includes popcorn bisque, kielbasa Polish boy and fries, and a banana split. Admission is free. (Niesel) 1148 Main Ave., 216-242-1250, musicboxcle.com.

THEATER

Clybourne Park Picking up where A Raisin in the Sun left off, Clybourne Park offers a

Straight No Chaser comes to the State Theatre on its 20th anniversary tour. See: Sunday.

satirical look into the issue of race and real estate. The Pulitzer Prizeand Tony Award- winning play takes place in two acts set 50 years apart.

In 1959, the community attempts to stop the purchase of a home by a black family. In 2009, the now largely African-American community fights against gentrification. Dealing with race issues common to any suburb of a major metropolitan area, the fiesty play offers a blunt perspective into the American — or, in this case, AfricanAmerican — dream. The play opens tonight at 7:30 at the Helen Rosenfeld Lewis Bialosky Lab Theatre, where it runs through Dec. 17. Tickets are $15 to $20. (Patrick Stoops) 1407 Euclid Ave, 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.

ART

Drink & Draw Social Club Twice every month, Great Lakes Brewing Company hosts Cleveland’s Drink & Draw Social Club. The event is organized by the Rust Belt Monster Collective and sponsored by Carol and John’s Comic Book Shop. Drink & Draws are an opportunity for artists of all levels of experience to drink, draw, socialize/network and collaborate in a very relaxed and welcoming environment. Events take place on the first and third Wednesday of each month at 7 p.m. At the end of each Drink & Draw, prizes are awarded for various superlatives. Admission is free.

(Josh Usmani) 2516 Market Ave., 216-771-4404, greatlakesbrewing.com.

FILM

The Hill The Cleveland Museum of Art pays tribute to the late, great writer-director Sidney Lumet with a series of his works, continuing through Dec.

30. At 6:45 p.m. today the museum shows 1965’s The Hill, a drama about prisoners in a British military detention camp in the Libyan Desert.

Sean Connery stars. Tickets cost $11, or $9 for CMA members, seniors and students. (Niesel) 11150 East Blvd., 216-421-7350, clevelandart.org.

SPOKEN WORD

Keep Talking Keep Talking is an exciting storytellers program where locals can share their real-life experiences on a theme. This month’s theme is Best of 2016. The series offers attendees the chance to grab a drink and a hot dog while listening to some of their Cleveland neighbors tell tall tales. It starts at 8 p.m. at the Happy Dog. Admission is $5. (Niesel) 5801 Detroit Ave., 216-651-9474, happydogcleveland.com.

THU

12/08

FILM

The Age of Shadows Kim Jee-woon, the director of cult classics such as A Tale of Two Sisters and The Good, the Bad, the Weird, returns with The Age of Shadows, a cloak-and-dagger thriller about Korean resistance fighters who battle their Japanese occupiers in the 1920s. South Korea’s official entry for next year’s Foreign Language Film Oscar, the movie makes its Cleveland premiere tonight at 8:25 at the Cleveland Institute of Art Cinematheque, where it shows again at 8:55 tomorrow night. Tickets are $10, or $7 for Cinematheque members and students.

(Niesel) 11610 Euclid Ave., 216-421-7450, cia.edu.

The Apostate A Spanish graduate student struggles to sever his ties with the Catholic Church in The Apostate, the latest drama from director Federico Veiroj (A Useful Life). The clerical bureaucracy, however, proves to be so Kafkaesque that he begins to lose his mind trying to extricate himself. The movie makes its Cleveland premiere tonight at 6:45 at the Cleveland Institute of Art Cinematheque, where it screens again at 7:15 tomorrow night. Tickets are $10, or $7 for students and Cinematheque members. (Niesel) 11610 Euclid Ave., 216-421-7450, cia.edu.

MUSIC

At the Movies: It’s a Wonderful Life Frank Capra’s classic film It’s a Wonderful Life centers on George Bailey (James Stewart), a guy who faces financial ruin and contemplates suicide as his only way out. Angel Clarence Oddbody (Henry Travers) takes him on a journey and helps him realize how many lives he has touched, and George awakens to the fact that he’s truly had a wonderful life. Tonight at 7:30 at Severance Hall, the Cleveland Orchestra performs Dimitri Tiomkin’s score during a screening of the film.

The concert is repeated tomorrow at 7:30 p.m. Tickets start at $35. (Niesel) 11001 Euclid Ave., 216-231-1111, clevelandorchestra.com.

SPOKEN WORD

Author Series with Chris Formant Author Chris Formant conducted some serious research for his new novel, Bright Midnight. The book centers on an aging rock critic who begins to unravel one of rock’s greatest mysteries while working at Rolling Stone magazine. (Hint: it has to do with the fact that Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison all died too soon.) While writing the book, Formant visited the Rock Hall Archives and studied forensics techniques. He also talked to doctors, FBI investigators and a former Rolling Stone editor. Formant will discuss and sign copies of the book at a special event that takes place at 7:30 tonight at the Rock Hall’s Foster Theater. John Goehrke, the Rock Hall’s director of public programs, will interview Formant about the novel, which critics have called “The Da Vinci Code for rock and roll fans.” Fillmore West poster artist David Singer, who | clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

31

GET OUT

1148 Main Ave., 216-696-IMPROV, clevelandimprov.com.

HOLIDAY FUN

designed the book’s psychedelic cover, will also participate in the interview segment. Following the presentation, Formant will take questions from the audience and sign copies of his book, which will be available for purchase.

For every book purchased, guests will receive a free poster of the book’s artwork. Singer will sign copies of the poster as well. The event is free with a reservation via the Rock Hall website or at the Rock Hall box office. (Niesel) 1100 Rock and Roll Blvd., 216-515-8444, rockhall.com.

History on Tap Tonight’s a holiday edition of History on Tap, the Cleveland History Center’s monthly fete with happy

oF RoCk

DeRay Davis Comedian-turned-movie-star DeRay Davis has been a regular on the stand-up circuit for a while, so it isn’t surprising to see that his last standup special includes a clip showing his ability to completely dismantle a heckler. Between bits from his attitudelaced routine, which touches on everything from rappers with AIDS to the perks of being a Hollywood actor, Davis shows that his quick wit comes naturally as he thinks of insults on the fly. Though one hopes he wouldn’t have to deal with the same situation when he comes to the Improv tonight, his ability to talk down a rude audience member could make for a truly memorable show nonetheless.

He performs tonight at 7:30 at the Improv, where he has shows scheduled through Sunday. Tickets are $30 to $40. (Jacob DeSmit)

FRI

12/09

ART

All Together Now 2731 Prospect’s latest group exhibition, All Together Now, showcases work by many celebrated artists and includes drawings, paintings, photography and prints. The exhibition opens tonight with a reception from 6 to 9 p.m.; it remains on view through March, although the gallery will be closed from Dec. 24 to Jan. 11. During the break, the exhibition is available for viewing by appointment only.

Admission is free. (Josh Usmani) 2731 Prospect Ave., 888-273-1881, 2731prospect.com.

Cavaliers vs. Miami Heat Now that the Miami Heat team that LeBron James once led to several NBA championships has been dismantled, the rivalry between the Cavs and James’ former team has waned. Still, the Heat, led by crafty guard Doran Dragic and powerhouse center Hassan Whiteside, remain a playoff caliber team. Tonight’s game begins at 7:30 at the Q. Tickets start at $34. (Niesel) 1 Center Court, 216-420-2000, theqarena.com.

HOLIDAY MUSIC

Get official Rock Hall gear for the music fan in your family, or give yourself the rock star treatment! Inductee t-shirts, vinyl collections, year-long memberships and more gift items can be found in store and online.

Order by Dec. 16 for delivery by Christmas Eve!

COMEDY

32

NPR Presents: Wait Wait...Don’t Tell Me! Panelists Paula Poundstone, Peter Grosz and Faith Salie will be on hand for tonight’s live performance of National Public Radio’s game show, Wait Wait...Don’t Tell Me! Host Peter Sagal leads a rotating

GIve tHe gifT

MUSIC

Classical Revolution Cleveland For many years, classical music wasn’t intended for the masses. Seemingly reserved for quasi-exclusive concert halls, classical music hid from the outside world. Classical Revolution Cleveland helps tear down that wall and once again bring great chamber music to the people. Showcasing a variety of performers in bars, cafes and the like, it’s actually not that different from how people used to listen to chamber music. The second Thursday of every month, CRC brings its wide array of chamber music to the Happy Dog. Performers like the Trepanning Trio, Anime Duo, students of Cleveland Institute of Music and even Cleveland Orchestra members grace the stage in these exciting concerts. Full of immensely talented performers, CRC re-instills the relevancy of this vibrant art form. Tonight’s free, all-ages performance starts at 8. (Stoops) 5801 Detroit Ave., 216-651-9474, happydogcleveland.com.

COMEDY

rockhallstore.com 216.515.8444 1100 Rock and Roll Blvd.

Cleveland, OH 44114

hour refreshments, light hors d’oeuvres and hands-on activities.

Each event focuses on a special theme inspired by Cleveland’s past.

Tonight’s theme is Holiday in the Hay, which showcases Victorian holiday traditions inside the historic Hay-McKinney Mansion. Tickets are $7 in advance, $10 at the door.

WRHS members and students with ID pay only $5. (Niesel) 10825 East Blvd, 216-721-5722, wrhs.org.

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

panel of comedians, humorists and journalists, and listener contestants and celebrity guests through a comic review of the week’s news.

Contestants vie for the most coveted prize in all of public radio: a customrecorded voicemail greeting by scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell.

The event begins at 7:30 p.m. at the State Theatre. Tickets are $37 to $127. (Niesel) 1519 Euclid Ave., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.

Cleveland Jazz Orchestra: A CJO Christmas Jazz singer Nia Drummond joins the Cleveland Jazz Orchestra as it plays holiday-themed songs at today’s A CJO Christmas. The concert serves as a preview for the CJO’s upcoming recording, Have Yourself a Swinging Jazzy Christmas. Tonight’s performance begins at 8 p.m. at the Hanna Theatre, where the group performs again tomorrow night at 8.

At 3 p.m. on Sunday at the Hanna, the band plays an even familyfriendlier version of its celebrated holiday concert, featuring a shortened program and its popular interactive instrument “petting zoo.” Tickets to tonight and tomorrow night’s concert are $35 to $55. Tickets to Sunday’s show are $10. (Niesel) 2067 East 14th St., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.

MUSIC

Francesco D’Orazio Violinist Francesco D’Orazio has performed the Italian premieres of violin concertos by a variety of composers. For tonight’s program at the Transformer Station, he’ll play pieces by Luciano Berio, Sequenza VIII, Curt Cacioppo, Salvatore Sciarrino and other notable composers. A major champion of

| clevescene.com m | December 7 - 13, 2016

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GET OUT Italian masterworks for solo violin of the 20th and 21st century, D’Orazio doesn’t perform often in this neck of the woods. The concert begins at 7:30.

Tickets are $25, or $22 for Cleveland Museum of Art members. (Niesel) 1460 West 29th St., 216-938-5429, transformerstation.org.

party from 6 to 10 tonight and continuing from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. tomorrow. In addition to purchasing works, visitors can sign up for a class or workshop at Cleveland’s largest claycentric learning studio. Admission is free. (Usmani) 13000 Athens Ave., Lakewood, screwfactoryartists.com.

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12/10

FILM

SPOKEN WORD

The Executioner Nina Manfredi stars in director Luis Garcia Berlanga’s 1963 film The Executioner, a black comedy about an executioner who wishes to marry off his unattractive daughter. The Spanish movie hasn’t circulated in the States for decades. It screens tonight at 7 at the Cleveland Museum of Art. Tickets are $9, or $7 for CMA members, seniors and students. (Niesel) 11150 East Blvd., 216-421-7350, clevelandart.org.

John Cleese and the Holy Grail A veteran comedian, writer and film producer who co-founded the comedy troupe Monty Python, John Cleese will appear tonight at 7:30 at the Akron Civic Theatre after a screening of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Originally released in 1975, the satirical cult classic takes the story of King Arthur and turns it on its head.

Cleese plays Sir Lancelot the Brave (and a few other roles) in the film.

Tickets are $79 to $95. (Niesel) 182 South Main St., Akron, 330-253-2488, akroncivic.com.

HOLIDAY SHOPPING

Student & Faculty Sale Local ceramicist Gina DeSantis’ studio and classroom at the Screw Factory (aka, the Lake Erie Building) hosts a student and faculty sale of handmade ceramic gifts and artwork this weekend, starting with a preview

HOLIDAY SHOPPING

Cleveland Bazaar This holiday season, the Cleveland Bazaar hosts numerous events at venues around town. This weekend, dozens of local artists and artisans will

fill all four floors of the 78th Street Studios for a holiday sale. In addition to the guest vendors, many of the building’s galleries and artist studios will be open. The event runs from 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. today and continues from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. tomorrow.

Admission is free. (Usmani) 1300 West 78th St., 78thstreetstudios.com.

HOLIDAY MUSIC

Cleveland Orchestra Christmas Concert Celebrate the holiday season with the Cleveland Orchestra and Chorus as the groups perform music for the Christmas season. There will be singalongs, guest choruses and a surprise visit from a festive fellow dressed in red velvet. Performances take place at 2:30 and 7:30 p.m. today and tomorrow at Severance Hall. Tickets start at $45. (Niesel) 11001 Euclid Ave., 216-231-1111, clevelandorchestra.com.

HOLIDAY SHOPPING

Coventry Village Holiday Festival A free event (parking at the public meters is free too), the Coventry Village Holiday Festival takes place throughout Coventry Village today from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m., featuring family holiday portraits from Bryon Miller Photography, photos with Santa, kids’ crafts, winter story time, holiday

movies in the Centrum Theater, kiddie karaoke and community caroling.

There will be free hot chocolate, coffee or tea for all carolers, courtesy of Phoenix Coffee on Coventry. The indie rock duo Shawn and Shelby will perform, and there will also be an Ugly Holiday Sweater Bar Crawl hosted and lead by Coventry Claus. Shoppers who buy local will receive a $10 Coventry Cash Coupon for every $50 they spend on a single receipt at a participating Coventry Village retail location. The Coventry Cash Coupons can be used at participating locations in January 2017. (Niesel) coventryvillage.org.

ART

Family Fun Art Project Before the Environmental and Upcycled Art exhibition closes at Ursuline College’s Wasmer Gallery on Dec. 16, the gallery hosts a Family Fun Art Project Workshop and Upcycle Artists Holiday Sale from 11 a.m. to 3 today. Organized by Linda ZoltenWood, founder of the Collinwood Painted Rain Barrel Project, the Environmental and Upcycled Art exhibition is part of a year-long series of events celebrating Ursuline’s 50 years in Pepper Pike. Admission is free. (Usmani) 2550 Lander Rd., Pepper Pike, 440-449-4200, ursuline.edu.

216.241.6000 • clevelandplayhouse.com GROUPS OF TEN OR MORE SAVE. 216.400.7027

Tony Award ® Winner - Best Play

C LY BOU RN E PARK

BY B R U C E N O R R I S // D I R E C T E D BY D O N A L D C A R R I E R

D E C E M B E R 7 - 17 // T H E H E L E N

TICKETS START AT $25 NOV 25 - DEC 23 • ALLEN THEATRE written by PHILIP GRECIAN • directed by JOHN McCLUGGAGE based on the motion picture written by JEAN SHEPHERD, LEIGH BROWN & BOB CLARK

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

CASE WESTERN RESERVE U N I V E R S I T Y // CLEVELAND P L AY H O US E MFA ACTING PROGRAM

SCENE Magazine presents

FLAVOR FLAVOR celebrates the local culinary scene by bringing together leading Cleveland restaurants. Select beer, wine and cocktails add to the VIP-style soiree that is, FLAVOR. Food and drink lovers enjoy the top, most highly regarded restaurants and bars in Cleveland. Back by popular demand, the “Culinary Showdown” returns to FLAVOR this year. Top chefs from Cleveland will create a unique, mouth-watering dish. Each chef will have 30 minutes to stir up a winning quick-fire dish to impress our judges! Tickets are $40 in advance and include unlimited food and drink tastings and live entertainment.

Thursday, December 15, 2016 Lago Custom Events at Aloft Cleveland Downtown sceneflavor.com

SCENE Magazine presents

UNITED WE BRUNCH There’s no better way to chase away a hangover than brunch with friends. And SCENE is once again bringing together the best restaurants in town with one mission: unite to cure Cleveland’s hangover. Brunch tastings, Bloody Mary’s, mimosas, beer, wine and champagne - all in the historic, newly-renovated Galleria & Tower. It’s the ultimate cure for a Friday night party — and a great start to another night on the town! General Admission tickets are $40 in advance and include 5 drink tickets, unlimited brunch tastings and commemorative glass.

VIP tickets are $60 in advance and include early entry, 8 drink tickets, unlimited brunch tastings, commemorative glass, VIP seating and access for full bar. Limited availability.

Saturday, January 21, 2017 Galleria & Tower at Erieview sceneflavor.com

F I N D O U T A B O U T T H E S E E V E N T S A N D M O R E AT C L E V E S C E N E T I C K E T S . C O M

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

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4530 COLORADO AVE., SHEFFIELD VILLAGE, OH IRVING BERLIN’S

WHITE CHRISTMAS THE MUSICAL

GET OUT ART

Clay in Cle While you’re at 78th Street Studios for the Cleveland Bazaar this weekend, be sure to stop by Zaina Gallery on the building’s first floor. This holiday season, Zaina Gallery hosts Clay in Cle, a group exhibition of artwork by members of Waterloo’s Brick Ceramic & Design Studio. The gallery will be open from 10 a.m. to 9 today and 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. tomorrow. Clay in Cle continues with a Third Friday reception from 5 to 10 p.m. on Friday, Dec. 16. Admission is free. (Usmani) 1300 West 78th St., leila-khoury.com.

SHOPPING

MUSIC & LYRICS BY IRVING BERLIN BOOK BY DAVID IVES AND PAUL BLAKE BASED UPON THE PARAMOUNT PICTURES FILM WRITTEN FOR THE SCREEN BY NORMAN KRASNA, NORMAN PANAMA AND MELVIN FRANK

DECEMBER 2 - 18

FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS AT 7:30 PM AND SUNDAYS AT 3 PM TICKETS: $10-$18 | (440) 949-5200 OR WWW.METROPARKS.CC/THEATRE SPONSORED BY:

Heavy Metal Flea Market Organizers of today’s Heavy Metal Flea Market at Now That’s Class encourage patrons to “come buy, sell and trade old merch that is collecting dust.”

The event will feature 30 independent vendors who’ll sell new and used shirts, records, CDs, VHS, instruments and gear, homegoods, horror novelties, taxidermy, arts and crafts, and more. A $1 donation gets you in. The proceeds from admission go to the James Paul Konya Scholarship in Music at Kent State University. Doors open at 2 p.m. (Niesel) 11213 Detroit Ave., 216-221-8576, nowthatsclass.net.

SPOKEN WORD

How to Speak Midwestern with Ted McClelland Whether you’re a native Clevelander or you come to town from elsewhere, chances are good that you’ve noticed a certain accent permeates the local dialect. Writer Ted McClelland explores the topic tonight at 6:30 at the Euclid Tavern as he reads from his new book, How to Speak Midwestern. Admission is free. (Niesel) 11625 Euclid Ave., 216-231-5400, happydogcleveland.com.

FILM

The Vessel In The Vessel, the latest film from director Julio Quintana, actor Martin Sheen stars as a local priest who tries to comfort villagers still recovering from a devastating tsunami that wiped out an elementary school, killing 46 children. Quintana shot two versions of the movie — one in Spanish and one in English. The Spanish language version (with subtitles) screens at 5 today at the Cleveland Institute of Art Cinematheque; the English language version screens tomorrow

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at 4:30 p.m. Tickets are $10, or $7 for Cinematheque members and students.

(Niesel) 11610 Euclid Ave., 216-421-7450, cia.edu.

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12/11

SPORTS

Browns vs. Cincinnati Bengals The Browns return from a bye week to face the Cincinnati Bengals today at 1 p.m. at First Energy Stadium. Both teams have had disappointing seasons, but no NFL team has played as poorly as the Browns, who haven’t won a single game (though a few games have been pretty close). Given that the Bengals appear out of the playoff race as well, don’t expect too many of their fans to make the trek for the game either. Tickets start at $68. (Niesel) 100 Alfred Lerner Way, 440-891-5000, clevelandbrowns.com.

FILM

Dirty Gertie from Harlem U.S.A. The film and video distribution company Kino Lorber has worked for years on a DVD boxset of early African-American films that were all made regionally. The boxset has finally seen the light of day, and the Cleveland Institute of Art Cinematheque will screen DCP versions of some of the best titles. Dubbed Pioneers of AfricanAmerican Cinema, the series is a major film-history project that seeks to “collect, restore, and re-release short and feature length films made by independent black filmmakers during the early part of the 20th century — primarily from the 1920s through the 1940s.” The so-called “race” films were financed, produced, written, directed, distributed and exhibited by people of color. The films tackle taboo subjects such as interracial romance, racism, religion, spiritual salvation and damnation, and lynching. They also feature unique visual and narrative styles. Tonight at 6:30, the Cinematheque will screen Dirty Gertie from Harlem U.S.A., an unauthorized adaptation of the W. Somerset Maugham story. Spencer Williams’ Hot Biskits (1931), a 10-minute comedy about mini-golf, precedes it. Admission is $10, or $7 for members and students. (Niesel) 11610 Euclid Ave., 216-421-7450, cia.edu.

COMEDY

John Evans Comedian John Evans began performing almost 20 years ago, when he became the emcee at the Tulsa Comedy Club. Over the course of that time, he’s opened for acts such

as George Carlin, Dave Chapelle, Mitch Hedberg and Lewis Black. During his routines, he likes to act as if he’s a dumb guy who shops at thrift stores and doesn’t understand a simple metaphor like “the blood of 40 million abortions has stained U.S. soil.” He performs tonight at 8 at Hilarities. Tickets are $13 to $18. (Niesel) 2035 East Fourth St., 216-241-7425, pickwickandfrolic.com.

ART

can-eat musical extravaganza at the House of Blues features Southern classics like chicken jambalaya, biscuits and gravy, and chicken and waffles. Meantime, locals Lafayette Carthon & Faith will perform. The fun starts at 11 a.m. Tickets are $40. (Niesel) 308 Euclid Ave., 216-523-2583, houseofblues.com.

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Gadi Zamir’s Benchmarks Gadi Zamir, a Cleveland-based artist and founder of Negative Space Gallery located in the heart of Asiatown, works exclusively with wood. Zamir’s compositions are influenced by each piece of wood’s unique characteristics: grains, knots and imperfections. Zamir then uses woodburning techniques, dyes, oils and more to manipulate the surface into complex, symbolic and narrative imagery. Closing with a reception from 1 to 3 p.m. today, Zamir’s Benchmarks at the Beachwood Community Center showcases the artist’s new series of functional, three-dimensional works on reclaimed vintage sanctuary pews. Admission is free. (Usmani) 25325 Fairmount Blvd., Beachwood, 216-292-1970.

The Rolling Stones Olé Olé Olé!: A Trip Across Latin America Now 50 years into their career, the Rolling Stones continue to tour the globe and play to enormous crowds. In early 2016, they went through 10 Latin American cities, including a finale as the first rock band to perform to an audience of 1.2 million in Havana. The Rolling Stones Olé Olé Olé!: A Trip Across Latin America, a new documentary film about the tour, screens tonight at 8 at area theaters. The film will include an exclusive introduction from the band and two full-length bonus performances from the Argentinian tour date. (Niesel) fathomevents.com.

FILM

SPOKEN WORD

Prince of the City The Cleveland Museum of Art’s tribute to the late, great writer-director Sidney Lumet continues today at 1:30 p.m., with a screening of 1981’s Prince of the City, a drama about a New York City cop who exposes corruption within his department. Tickets cost $11, or $9 for CMA members, seniors and students.

(Niesel) 11150 East Blvd., 216-421-7350, clevelandart.org.

Science Cafe Music Box Supper Club hosts Science Cafe, an informal lecture series that brings scientists from throughout the region to the club to talk about science topics.

Tonight at 7, hear June J. Pilcher, an alumni distinguished professor, talk about sleep. Admission is free.

(Niesel) 1148 Main Ave., 216-242-1250, musicboxcle.com.

MUSIC

Straight No Chaser: 20th Anniversary Tour The male a cappella group Straight No Chaser had such success with its 2013 release Under the Influence, featuring vocal cameos by the likes of Jason Mraz, Rob Thomas, Phil Collins and Dolly Parton, that the band is still touring behind it. Expect to hear songs from that album today, along with tunes from the band’s extensive back catalog, as the group comes to town as part of its 20th anniversary tour. Performances are at 3 and 7:30 p.m. at the State Theatre.

Tickets are $29.50 to $59.50. (Niesel) 1519 Euclid Ave., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.

FILM

TUE

12/13

SPORTS

Cavaliers vs. Memphis Grizzlies Over the summer, the Memphis Grizzlies signed guard Michael Conley to a huge five-year contract.

The guy has delivered too. At one point, he was averaging 19.7 points, 5.7 assists and 1.4 steals. He leads a team that includes veteran players Vince Carter, Zach Randolph and Marc Gasol. Tonight’s game against the Cavs commences at 7.

Tickets start at $19. (Niesel) 1 Center Court, 216-420-2000, theqarena.com.

WJW.CLEVELAND

MUSIC

World Famous Gospel Brunch Today’s edition of the monthly all-you-

Find more events @clevescene.com t@clevelandscene | clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

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ART

‘WATER IS LIFE’ Artists stop in Cleveland to paint Dakota Access protest mural

By Josh Usmani EARLIER IN THE WEEK, A group of graffiti artists traveled from Washington, D.C. to Standing Rock. Along the way, they stopped in Detroit, Flint, Chicago, Minneapolis and Cleveland, creating murals in each city to communicate their message: Water is Life. The group’s first mural stop was in Cleveland on Nov. 30.

“We are hoping to create large #WaterisLife murals in partnership with local communities in each city to

raise awareness amidst a media blackout on DAPL and help mobilize folks to take action in solidarity with the Standing Rock Sioux,” said artist Shani Shih at the time, on behalf of the group. “By organizing interactive daylong events around the creation of the murals in each city, we hope to harness the power of art in disrupting the media blackout on DAPL, challenging colonial violence, building community and mobilizing action in solidarity with

Standing Rock.”

Thanks to Cleveland-based nonprofit Graffiti HeArt, the group found their first wall at 4329 Lorain Ave., along West 44th Street. The artists contacted Graffiti HeArt just days before arriving. Graffiti HeArt immediately reached out to its many community partners, including Rafid Fadul, the owner of the Tenk building where Graffiti HeArt stores its murals and related art supplies. Fadul quickly responded, offering one of his

Benchmarks in Beachwood Originally from Israel, Gadi Zamir is a Clevelandbased artist and founder of Asian Town Center’s Negative Space Gallery. In 1999, Zamir moved to the U.S., and Cleveland’s cold winters inspired him to begin working with flame throwers and wood burners.

“In the past, I worked with acrylics and pastel, but I really came into my element when I started wood burning,” Zamir says. “I fell in love with the process, and it was easy for me to illustrate my thoughts through this medium. I love the smell of the wood burning. Each wood has its own unique scent. This is also how I supplement my Vitamin D,” he jokes.

Zamir’s compositions are influenced by each piece of lumber’s unique characteristics: grains, knots, imperfections, etc. With these characteristics inspiring his composition and theme, Zamir uses woodburning techniques, dyes, oils and more to manipulate the surface into complex, symbolic and narrative imagery.

For his latest series, Zamir salvaged nearly 25 church benches from a local abandoned church.

Fourteen of these benches will be part of his new exhibition, premiering this week in Beachwood.

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

“All of the benches were salvaged from a single ruined church in what used to be known as Little Hungary,” Zamir says. “The building had been abandoned for some time, so we don’t have a paper trail for the exact age of the seats, but I’ve been told that they are mid-century or older. Like so many things in Cleveland, their history has been lost. However, as I was working, I came to realize that many churchgoers chewed a wide variety of gum.”

Benchmarks opened at the Beachwood Community Center on Dec. 5. Zamir will be on hand to discuss the work during a closing reception from 1 to 3 p.m. this Sunday, Dec. 11. The exhibition can be viewed Wednesday through Friday from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., Saturday from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., and Sunday from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m., prior to the closing reception.

The Beachwood Community Center is at 25325 Fairmount Blvd., in Beachwood.

Additionally, Zamir’s work is always on view in his studio next to Negative Space Gallery in Asian Town Center, at 3820 Superior Ave. Learn more at negativespacecleveland.com.

properties to the project.

“I was excited for the opportunity for Cleveland to be a part of the #waterislife tour to provide a canvas for the art collective on short notice,” says Stamy Paul, president and founder of Graffiti HeArt. “I felt it was a perfect fit to what Graffiti HeArt is about, social expression through public graffiti mural art. There are many people in Cleveland interested in the DAPL situation and the media block and wondering how they can help those taking action in solidarity with the Standing Rock Sioux. By partnering with the Water is Life: DC Artists 2 collective, not only do they bring their #waterislife message to Cleveland, Graffiti HeArt is also able to help get the word out to help the artist collective along the way to the other four cities in route to Standing Rock.”

The artists arrived at their destination just hours after the announcement of a major victory for protestors, as the Army Corps of Engineers announced it would not grant a permit to allow the Dakota Access Pipeline to cross beneath Lake Oahe in North Dakota.

View the project on social media by following #waterislife. Learn more about Graffiti HeArt at graffitiheart. org.

jusmani@clevescene.com t@clevelandscene

STAGE SPECTACULAR AND TIMELY Blank Canvas Theater mounts a raucous, chilling retelling of the suddenly even-more-relevant musical Cabaret

By Christine Howey with passion by Bernadette Hisey, and Herr Schultz, who is given a sweet rendering by John J. Polk.

The late-in-life romance between this German woman and her Jewish lover is tender and loving until, faced with the realities of the

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in an early song, “So who cares? So what?” It’s an ode to taking what comes and settling for whatever happens.

What’s happening is a fearsome transformation of a government from one that

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SOMETIMES A PLAY HITS YOU with a sledgehammer that is so personal, it feels like it arose somehow from your own DNA. Such is the case with Cabaret, which is now receiving a raucously entertaining and profoundly powerful performance at Blank Canvas Theater.

It feels intensely personal for this reviewer because Christopher Isherwood wrote the source material for the show, The Berlin Stories, in 1945, the year I was born. And the musical Cabaret, with the memorable songs

by John Kander (lyrics) and Fred Ebb (music) and book

by Joe Masteroff, opened in 1966. That was when many of us in college were protesting the Vietnam War, a year bookended by the assassination of John F. Kennedy in 1963 and the assassinations of Robert F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr. in 1968.

In short, it was a time of political upheaval with more than a few touches of impending chaos, disturbingly similar to Berlin in the 1930s when Cabaret takes place. And now, 50 years later, here we are in another time when fear is stalking many groups of citizens in this country, thanks to the reckless threats and free-floating hate stoked by our president-elect.

In short, this production of Cabaret couldn’t come at a better time, even though it is hardly the kind of holiday fare that most of us tend to prefer. But difficult times call for courageous artists to rise to the challenge, and director Patrick Ciamacco has crafted a version of this classic show that will live in your memory for quite some time.

From the moment the dissipated and androgynous emcee of the Kit Kat Klub takes the stage with his bevy of decadent dancers, we are plugged into the moment when fascism is on the rise in Germany and most people are ignorant of the fact or trying not to pay attention.

As aging Fraulein Schneider sings

protected individual freedoms to one that is eager to prey on its most vulnerable citizens. And if you can’t tell if I’m talking about Germany in the 1930s or America right now, that is some indication why this show feels fresh and frightening.

Backed by a talented eight-piece

persecution of the Jews, Frau Schneider backs out of their planned wedding. And in this telling, that decision feels genuinely heartbreaking.

The central relationship is between the American tourist Clifford Bradshaw (a nicely underplaying Noah Hrbek) and

CABARET THROUGH DEC. 17 AT BLANK CANVAS THEATRE, 1305 WEST 80TH ST., 440-941-0458, BLANKCANVASTHEATRE.COM

band conducted by Matthew Dolan, the excellent BCT cast finds multiple ways to coax meaning and emotion out of this superb material. The quiet center of the musical is anchored

by Frau Schneider, played and sung

the star floozy of the Kit Kat Klub, Sally Bowles. Unlike earlier versions of the show, Bradshaw’s gay tendencies are not soft-pedaled, and this casts his connection with the troubled Sally in a different

and more intriguing light. He is understandably afraid to come out and be himself in the permissive but tottering last vestiges of the Weimar Republic.

Tricia Bestic turns in a believable and at times electric performance as Sally, a young woman who pursues her doomed romance with Cliff, and her equally doomed career at the Klub, with a feisty sense of fatalism. And Bestic nails the title song late in the second act, bringing new meaning to many of the lines referring to her old pal Elsie, the “happiest corpse” she ever saw.

In the spotlight role of the emcee, Devon Turchan is priceless. Without overplaying the slimy salaciousness of his character, he commands the stage and mixes coy vulnerability with a steely control of his tacky little universe. His is a performance that demands to be seen and relished for all its nuances, as well as its balls-to-the-wall brazenness.

The Kit Kat Girls and Boys all contribute by being very specific with their gestures and looks, even as they merge into a cohesive entity. In supporting roles, Stuart Hoffman is an icy German businessman turned Nazi supporter, and Kimberly Eskut steams up the stage as a whore who shuffles through sailors.

Ultimately, this production earns its battle ribbon by not backing away from the horror that resulted from all that hate. For instance, Ciamacco has the courage to keep the Jewish reference at the end of the comic song “If You Could See Her,” a reference that lands the punchline like a punch to the gut.

Plus, the ending is as raw as it gets. It’s not manipulation, it’s a fact. And now, when we’re apparently living in a “post-fact” world, that’s important to see.

scene@clevescene.com t@christinehowey | clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

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AND

INVITE YOU TO ENTER TO WIN

MOVIES

MANCHESTER, UNITED Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams shine in Manchester by the Sea

By Sam Allard

BY GOING TO: TINYURL.COM/CLEBOURNE AND ENTERING YOUR INFORMATION! Winners will receive a Blu-rayTM Combo Pack. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. One entry per person. NO WALK-INS OR TELEPHONE CALLS ACCEPTED.

NOW AVAILABLE ON BLU-RAY™, IN THEATERS 29 DVD & DIGITALJULY HD

YOU AND A GUEST ARE INVITED TO A SPECIAL ADVANCE SCREENING OF

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15 AT 7:30PM AT THE CEDAR LEE THEATRE VISIT WWW.GOFOBO.COM/ LIONSCENE TO DOWNLOAD YOUR PASSES! RATED PG-13 FOR THEMATIC MATERIAL AND SOME SENSUALITY. Please note: Passes are limited and will be distributed on a first come, first served basis while supplies last. No phone calls, please. Limit one pass per person. Each pass admits two. Seating is not guaranteed. Arrive early. Theatre is not responsible for overbooking. This screening will be monitored for unauthorized recording.

By attending, you agree not to bring any audio or video recording device into the theatre (audio recording devices for credentialed press excepted) and consent to a physical search of your belongings and person.

Any attempted use of recording devices will result in immediate removal from the theatre, forfeiture, and may subject you to criminal and civil liability. Please allow additional time for heightened security. You can assist us by leaving all nonessential bags at home or in your vehicle.

OPENS IN CLEVELAND DECEMBER 21 /LIONMOVIE |

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/LIONMOVIE | #LIONMOVIE

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

YOU KNOW THAT SOMETHING bad, something crushing, must have happened to Lee Chandler (Casey Affleck) in Manchester By the Sea, the keening, captivating drama out Friday in limited release. But for the first hour or more, you have no idea what it is. In flashbacks, Lee is a good-natured, blue-collar dad, flirting with his wife Randi (Michelle Williams), joshing around with his daughters, fishing with his big brother Joe (Kyle Chandler) and his nephew (Lucas Hedges).

But in the present, Lee’s detached.

He works as a janitor for a big Boston apartment complex, and he shovels snow and plunges toilets in a purgatorial haze. He is forever, you sense, on the verge of snapping. And when he goes to a bar and picks a fight for no reason, his more flagrant self-destructive tendencies bubble to the surface.

The mystery of what happened to Lee is further intensified when he drives north to Manchester by the Sea, the small fishing community on the Massachusetts coast where he used to live. There, people look upon him askance. Is that the Lee Chandler, teenagers want to know. He’s only there because his brother has passed away, and the guardianship of his nephew Patrick has fallen to him.

The bulk of the movie finds Lee and Patrick learning their new roles, feeling each other out, coping with the loss of their brother and father in their own, sometimes unexpected, ways. This bumbling relationship has about it a fraternal lightheartedness that saves the movie from total despair. Lee is enlisted to distract the mother of a girl Patrick intends to have sex with, for instance, and Lee’s poor performance

— “Who can’t make small talk?” — leads to one of several car-ride spats.

These are good scenes, sometimes tender, sometimes funny, and taken together capture the weird hurricane of emotions in the aftermath of death.

Lee’s wife and kids are no longer in the picture — Randi has remarried, another child on the way — and Lee clearly loves his nephew, but he doesn’t want the guardian job.

Something deeper is keeping him from embracing this new life, even though it’s one that, at first blush, seemed like a healthy change.

When you learn the truth, the balance of the film is a wrenching experience. Every wordless glance from Lee, every time he shoves his hands in his jeans or gazes blankly out a window, you see his heartbreak and his pain. Affleck has never been better. The emotional climax of the movie is, oddly enough but without a doubt, an unplanned conversation between Lee and Randi one chilly morning. “I got nothing big to say,” she says. “That’s okay,” Lee says.

And they talk, for a moment, about everything that tore their marriage apart. It’s a stirring, unforgettable scene.

Affleck and Williams are virtual locks for Oscar noms in their lead and supporting roles. Hedges impresses in his first major role, and writer-director Kenneth Lonergan marks himself as an artist to be reckoned with. Props, also, to the choral score, composed by Canadian Lesley Barber. It emotes in lockstep with the movie’s major players: pitches of reticence, penitence, and redemption.

sallard@clevescene.com t@scenesallard

216-371-8639 © Y ] z © _ { Y {

MOVIES SPOTLIGHT: Office Christmas Party

By Sam Allard IN OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY, out Friday in wide release, the Chicago branch of a tech company takes desperate measures to win a lucrative contract and save the branch from closure: They host a Christmas rager to end all Christmas ragers.

There’s no cleverness in the title here, nor (notably) is there anxiety about appeasing a secular/non-Christian fan base; it’s merely an exhaustive description of the film’s plot.

feel overcrowded with characters, with big personalities serving as minor functionaries, making the most of minimal screen time.

The tone is nonetheless convivial and relaxed; Miller, an unlikely boss, serves as spirit animal. Under his leadership, the cast seems to have internalized certain improv team mantras: put the team first, yes and, and so on. You never get the sense of competing comedic egos, or fear the “too many cooks in the kitchen” predicament that ransacked, for instance, the Ghostbusters reboot.

Everyone seems to know their role and to bask in it: McKinnon, naturally, plays the farting HR wackjob, donned in gay omnidenominational holiday apparel; Bateman, as ever, is the straight man; Aniston’s the cold and sexy executive; Office Christmas Party Bayer’s all smiles; Jillian Bell’s a fast-talking pimpess; Here’s the fine print: Branch Corddry’s an angry middle manager; manager Clay Matthews (T.J. Miller) Karan Soni, (the taxi driver in Deadpool) is once again a nerd with is the son of the company’s founder. outsized romantic ambitions.

He views the annual Christmas It’s not a bad premise, as far Party with the same sacramental as one-note comedies go; and it reverence that Catholic bishops tend to view Easter Vigil, and even though creates both the narrative conditions and physical space for hilarity to his steely sister, the CEO (Jennifer ensue. The particulars of the story Aniston) has expressly forbidden a are much less important than the holiday shebang, the courting of a over-the-top antics, all of which potential client is an excuse for the are too preposterous to be believed nostalgically hard-partying Clay. and some of which just do not It’s a chance to invigorate his office, work. But there are a handful of to give his beleaguered employees incredible visual gags and riffs, something to smile about for the many of which are courtesy of holidays. If that means destroying/ Miller. “How fast do you think you’d debauching company property, well, have to go to make that jump?” that’s just the cost of doing business.

Miller asks Bateman in an early The movie turns out to be a scene, gesturing to a rising Chicago pretty standard modern comedy, bridge. “Do you think Vin could do featuring an enormous ensemble it? Vin Diesel?” cast that includes every current TV Local viewers can also delight in comedy star you’ve heard of: SNL’s Kate McKinnon and Vanessa Bayer; the movie’s regional connections.

Silicon Valley’s Miller, Veep’s Sam Both Vanessa Bayer and co-director Richardson and Randall Park. Jason Will Speck (who, along with partner Bateman and Jennifer Aniston, stars Josh Gordon, directed Blades of Glory and The Switch) hail from of the Horrible Bosses franchise, feel a generation removed from these Shaker Heights. upstarts. Olivia Munn, Karan Soni, Jillian Bell and Rob Corddry (another sallard@clevescene.com blast from the past) all star or co-star @scenesallard as well, and the screen can sometimes

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EAT THE GODFATHER OF CLEVELAND DINING The 50-year legacy of Carl Quagliata, who isn’t close to being done yet

By Douglas Trattner ON THURSDAY, NOV. 29, 130 people showed up to Ristorante Giovanni’s for a fall-themed Italian dinner that began with a Swiss chard and shaved fennel salad and ended with chocolate mousse with whipped tonka bean cream. In between, guests enjoyed pumpkin ravioli with walnuts, sage and brown butter, potato-crusted sturgeon, and beef braciole with braised vegetables and polenta.

Every meal at Giovanni’s is special, but this one managed to top them all.

It was, after all, the 40th anniversary of owner Carl Quagliata’s seminal Beachwood restaurant.

In an era when venerable Cleveland eateries continue to vanish from the landscape, replaced by trendy bistros that seem to cater to an entirely different species of diner, respect must be paid to Quagliata. Since opening his first restaurant 50 years ago, the culinary entrepreneur has been operating like a risk taker with a crystal ball. Name a trend and he’s trotted it out and hit a grand slam.

Charcuterie, gourmet food market, celebrity chefs, tapas? Done. It. All. With zero restaurant experience between them, Carl, his parents, and his brothers John and Al converted a long-vacant building in Mentor into an elegant Italian restaurant. When it opened in 1967, the White House was considered expensive, topping out at $5.95 for twin lobster tails. Three years later the team doubled down, opening the opulent Tre Scalini Room on the same property.

“We did everything tableside, everything,” Quagliata says.

Three-hour meals were customary, where a staff of 30 attended to a dining room of 75 guests. Staffers flambeed crepes Suzette, carved chateaubriand, and dished up desserts from carts that glided around the room. In the center of the Tiffanyilluminated cocoon was a towering oak tree, around the base of which was a pond filled with live lobsters.

While those restaurants were still humming, Quagliata opened Giovanni’s in its present location, the ground floor of a commercial office building. Despite the bland wrapper, the dining room was every bit as polished as the best restaurants in town. Crystal chandeliers, thick

tablecloths, subdued lighting, massive wine list and a shiny copper cappuccino machine quickly made diners forget that they were seated floors below law and dental offices.

Quagliata shuttered the White House after a 20-year run because the land was sold out from under him, but he didn’t sit still for long. He gambled on a space at the corner of West Sixth and St. Clair in the Warehouse District, an area better known at the time for its homeless shelters and porn shops than haute cuisine.

“The day I told my mother that I signed a lease for the space, she and her girlfriends drove down to look at it,” Quagliata recalls. “She started crying and said I was crazy because the area was so bad. But I always loved that corner.”

In 1992, Piccolo Mondo opened up to rave reviews, helmed by a 22-yearold chef named Michael Symon. The high-ceilinged room was deliriously cacophonous, and diners supped on small plates, pizza and pasta, and wood-grilled entrees. An adjoining

gourmet market sold many of the high-quality ingredients utilized in the bistro. But after a white-hot run, that ship, too, had sailed.

“The only problem with trendy restaurants is they only last so long,” Quagliata explains. “Piccolo Mondo lasted like seven years before I had to make a major change or sell it.

Giovanni’s, on the other hand, we’ve been busy ever since we opened.”

Over the years, other high-powered chefs with names like Boccuzzi, Abramof and others have made their way through Quagliata’s finishing school. His latest prodigy is Zachary Ladner, who impressed his way to executive chef in just four months’ time, after the previous head chef abruptly departed.

“I convinced Carl to let me try to run the kitchen,” Ladner, a Culinary Institute of America grad, says. “I said give me a week.”

That was seven years ago, and in that time, the young chef has only managed to impress his boss even more.

“Zack is the first chef I let do his own thing,” Quagliata beams. “That’s how much confidence I have in him.

He does a better job with my recipes than I do.”

Ladner understands that the success of a classic like Giovanni’s depends on more than recipes, ingredients or even technique. It’s the whole package.

“You don’t come here and spend $50 on an entree because you don’t want to cook,” the chef says. “You come here because it’s an experience. We are always talking about things we can do to appeal to all of their senses so that there are more things to remember.”

For Quagliata, it’s been a wildly successful marathon, but he’s enjoying every second of it.

“This is a really big deal,” he says.

“I mean, to be here 40 years in the same location, and still be busy, thank god for that. I’ll be 78 next month and I still feel young.”

dtrattner@clevescene.com t@dougtrattner

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

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CROSSING THE THRESHOLD OF Euclid Brewing Company (21950 Lakeshore Blvd., facebook.com/ EuclidBrewingCompany), owned by Doug and Kim Fry, you immediately notice that the startup venture feels a bit like a diner inside. The dark blue laminate on the tables and brightly painted trim bring to mind a no-frills workingman’s hangout — a place to grab a bite, or in this case a beer, with regulars after a long day on the job. This rainy evening, however, a third of the clientele is visiting all the way from Los Angeles.

“Most recently it was a BBQ restaurant; before that, it had been a bakery, a kabob shop, a chicken and waffle place ... I’ve forgot what else,” Doug Fry says of the modest storefront, which seats 30 at a handful of tables and a small bar.

“Everybody remembers it when it was Back Alley Pizza.”

Since April, Fry has presided over a two-barrel brewing system and taproom that, despite the diner decor, looks and feels a lot like a laboratory.

From the flasks and beakers serving as centerpieces on each table to the “Periodic Table of Beer Styles” poster displayed on the wall, Fry’s love of science and his background as a pharmaceutical engineer shine through.

“I have a Ph.D. in organic chemistry,” he says. “Setting up this facility was just like setting up a pilot plant. I move liquids around, heat and cool things. Making beer was an extension of what I did.”

Currently on draft you’ll find a Cherry Christmas Ale, Sims Beach Blonde, Moss Point Pale, an Isosceles IPA, GDGB Amber and a Chocolate Milk Stout, as well as housemade root beer. You can execute a taste test

of your own by ordering a flight of all six for $9, or drink them by the pint for $6 each. You can also fill a growler — one of theirs or your own — for $16.

Tired of the companies he previously worked for constantly being sold (and the job insecurity that came with it), Fry decided to turn his home-brewing obsession into a profession by opening his own commercial brewery with the help of his wife, Kim. These days, the only lessons the one-time professor teaches are centered on beer. A blackboard hangs in the taproom describing alcohol as an organic compound and its atomic makeup.

The brewery will launch a series of seminars in the future for people interested in the science behind beer, with topics like yeast, malt and hops along with community based lectures that will return on Thursday evenings in February.

In the fermenters now are the first batches of the “Beyond the Pale” series, ales that feature assorted types of exotic hops. The first brew is made with Mosaic hops and will be available in about two weeks, enough time to sanitize, mix, boil, ferment, carbonate and package in kegs for sale.

“We went to Germany and visited a bunch of cities and every city seemed to have their little brewery,” Fry explains. “That’s the model we’ve emulated. If you want our beer, you will need to come here to get it. We don’t have plans to bottle or distribute.”

The taproom is open from 4 to 8 p.m. Thursday through Saturday.

scene@clevescene.com t@clevelandscene

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

By Douglas Trattner FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS, Omar McKay accomplished the impossible: He lured diners into the old food court at Richmond Town Square (formerly Richmond Mall), home to such culinary trendsetters as Subway, Auntie Anne’s Pretzels and Charley’s Subs. He did so by preparing and selling some of the best Caribbean food around. His cheerfully named Irie Patties food stand dispensed heaping portions of satisfying Jamaican street foods like flaky spiced-beef patties, fiery jerk chicken and meaty braised oxtails.

The Jamaican native is trading in his food court setting for one with a little more ambiance. Next Friday, he will open his first brickand-mortar shop. Irie Jamaican Kitchen (621 East 185th St., 216860-4805) sits on the border of Cleveland and Euclid, in a space most recently home to T.B. Hot Dogs.

“I think there’s a need for it,” he says. “It will be traditional, but I’m also trying to create new connections. Sometimes people are a little skeptical about Jamaican food; they don’t want to try it. I want to try and make mine more attractive to what’s going on around here.”

McKay says that he first learned to cook from his mother, and then built upon that base by attending and graduating from Tri-C Culinary. The largely take-out shop will feature counter service with a handful of seats for dine-in customers. A larger kitchen will allow the chef to expand upon his core menu of traditional Island dishes. So, in addition to classics like curry goat, braised oxtails, chicken curry and fried plantains, Irie will offer more vegetarian items, salads and wraps.

“I’m going to try and stand out from the rest of them; make mine a little more unique,” he adds.

While technically not a new restaurant, Irie helps bolster a strong and growing collection of Jamaican eateries that includes Ocho Rios, Bratenahl Kitchen, International Restaurant, Taste of Jamaica, and Country Style Jamaican Restaurant.

MOD MEALS CHANGES HANDS; CHANGES COMING UNDER NEW OWNERSHIP Mod Meals, the 1-year-old service that delivers chef-prepared heatand-eat meals to your door, has changed hands. Rick Semersky, the

EAT man behind such notable projects “I think that model works really as Hub 55, which includes Sterle’s well if you bring it in-house and Country House, Goldhorn Brewery you know what your customers and Cafe 55, confirms that he has want and you continue to make taken over ownership from former the menu attractive to people,” the CEO Bruce Teicher. entrepreneur explains. “We have “We bought Mod Meals and our opportunities between Goldhorn, intention is to bring it into the Hub the Cafe 55 and Sterle’s that we 55 project,” he says. “We’re still have working for us. We can make learning the ropes about what it anything.” is and what it can be. It’s a great Of course, the fresh beer doesn’t product.” hurt.

Observant “Yeah, I thought customers the growlers would might have help tip the hat a noticed over bit too,” he jokes. the past few Both Bebenroth months that and Semersky notable Mod firmly believe the Meals chefs core feature of Mod like Eric Meals, that foods Williams are built from the (Momocho, El ground up for Carnicero), chilled delivery Karen Small and home heating, (Flying is the best way to — Rick Semersky Fig), Brian go. Chilled food Okin (Cork is stable food, & Cleaver, Graffiti), Jon Sawyer meaning that meals can be stocked (Greenhouse Tavern, Trentina, and enjoyed immediately, later that Noodlecat) and Ben Bebenroth evening, or even the following day (Spice), who also happened to serve or two. as the company’s chief culinary “That is the best part of Mod officer, have disappeared from the Meals,” Semersky says. “The way ranks. they deliver the food, the way the “We stopped preparing meals food is prepped in order to get it back in May,” explains Chef to you I think is transformative.

Bebenroth. “It started off great, It’s not fully cooked, it’s not like a but we had some communication pizza that you’re waiting on for 40 challenges between chefs and minutes, it’s not something that management.” was cooked 40 minutes ago.”

Issues like food items remaining While it’s way too soon for for sale on the website longer Semersky to predict what changes than the chefs suggested, pricing will unfold down the line, shoppers disagreements, and unreasonable will immediately see that new demands on food producers began consulting chef Wilhelm Novak, eroding the relationship, he adds. who has worked at Wolfgang Puck “If you’re going to do business eateries like Spago, Chinois and with us, this is how it has ObaChine Asian, has unveiled to work,” Bebenroth reflects. new dishes like chicken paprikash “You understand business, we with homemade dumplings, pork understand food.” shoulder goulash with egg noodles, Bebenroth says that the product, and Wiener schnitzel with mashed execution and delivery aspect of potatoes.

Mod Meals was successful and And then there are those popular. It was the business model, growlers filled with fresh-brewed which was built around buying Polka City Pilsner, St. Clair Stout, and reselling food from third-party and Fire Plug Pale Ale. chefs, that proved unworkable.

Keep an eye on the Mod Meals “The drivers were getting great website for new vendors, dishes and tips, which tells you that people products. were appreciating the service and the product,” he says. “I thought it dtrattner@clevescene.com was a solid model.” @dougtrattner Semersky agrees.

“We’re still learning the ropes about what it is and what it can be. It’s a great product.”

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

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MUSIC THEY LOVE IT LOUD Heavy hitters Torche, Red Fang and Whores bring tha noise

By Jeff Niesel ON ITS RECENT ALBUM, ONLY Ghosts, the metal band Red Fang cranks up the guitars. Songs such as “Flies” make the group sound like a heavier version of the Foo Fighters.

Since forming a decade ago, the hard rocking Torche has drawn comparisons to stoner rock icon Queens of the Stone Age. Those comparisons come to the fore again on the band’s latest effort, last year’s Restarter, another intricately crafted collection of riff-heavy tunes.

A noise rock band out of Atlanta, Whores draws from the Amphetamine Reptile sound that was popular in the ’80s on its latest album, Gold.

This fall, the three bands have hit the road together. Torche bassist Jonathan Nunez, Red Fang singerbassist Aaron Beam and Whores singer-guitarist Christian Lembach recently answered some questions via email (hence all the exclamation marks) about the tour that brings the bands to the Beachland on Dec. 8.

The tour just started earlier this month. What’s it been like so far?

Beam: It has been very fun! We are having a great time playing a bunch of songs from the new record for the people of the USA. And we are beyond stoked at the bill. What a lineup! Everyone is totally killing it!

Nunez: It’s been great! We’re happy to be on tour with our friends Red Fang and having Whores out with us is definitely a killer bonus for the bill. People have been stoked and going off. Looking forward to more sold out shows and continuing to have a killer time on the road.

Lembach: It’s been incredible. The shows are selling out, and people seem super stoked on the whole package.

Which of the bands is the loudest?

Beam: Whores.

Nunez: We’re all crankin it!

Lembach: We are easily the loudest of the three. No contest.

You’re touring in the wake of a particularly divisive presidential election. Has that affected the

shows or your approach to performing in any way?

Beam: I don’t know what effect it is having on the shows really because I have no control group to compare it to. My approach is generally the same, also. However, I will admit I am channeling as much positive energy into my performance as I can to try to just take people’s minds off politics for a minute and remember to just have fun for a spell.

Nunez: Politics in general are a disappointing shit show. We’ll do what we do no matter what.

Lembach: It hasn’t affected the shows in any way that I can tell, but every interviewer wants us to talk about it. We always perform as intensely as possible, so no change there. I have been talking less on stage, I guess. My personal politics are mine; we want our band to be about more than that. I’ve sort of always had an “Us vs. Them” mentality, and I think that’s evident in the music and lyrics. So we’re just doing our thing. I think a lot of people, not just Americans, can relate to that.

Critics have described your band as sludge rock. Is that accurate?

Beam: Well, I suppose if that’s what they hear, then yes. I don’t know what sludge rock is, and we don’t pattern ourselves after any particular style, so that’s not how I think of what we do. But what do I know?

Nunez: I could see how some elements of our sound may influence people to shove us into that category, but I don’t feel it fully describes our “sound.” I just tell people heavy loud rock ’n’ roll.

Lembach: I mean, I guess we have sludge elements. I love Melvins, Harvey Milk, Floor, Eyehategod, etc., but I also love a ton of other pretty chill music that may be surprising given the bombastic nature of our band. I think people need labels in the broad sense to sort of get a general idea of where a band is coming from.

While we definitely understand that, we don’t want to fall into the trap of duplicating what’s come before us. We try to take it past where we found it.

Whores

Red Fang

Torche | clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

49

MUSIC Who do you consider to be your influences?

Beam: Bill Callahan/Smog, Cristina Aguilera, Federation X, Hot Snakes, QOTSA, Melvins, Big Business, Jesus Lizard, Helms Alee, YOB, Soundgarden, Whores, Torche, Mastodon, Wild Throne, Unwound, Saviours.

Nunez: This would change from member to member. I feel we’d all agree on: Trans Am, Slayer, Brian Eno, Melvins, Cluster, the Wipers, Aphex Twin, and more.

Lembach: Like I sort of touched on earlier. I like a ton of different music. I grew up on punk, metal and hardcore, but I also loved a lot of the ’80s Goth stuff, ’90s hip-hop, obviously ’90s noise rock and grunge.

It’s kind of all over the map. We just want our songs to be intense and personal. The medium, for me, is secondary to that. Nick Drake is easily more intense emotionally than some hot topic mall band, you know?

Talk about how your sound has evolved over the years.

Beam: I think we trust ourselves — and each other — more. We all listen to new stuff all the time, too, which affects what we do. The simplest answer is that we have the same attitude about songwriting and what we are trying to do musically (offer a high energy but interesting non flat live show), but we are just a little fancier now. We feel comfortable incorporating more of the studio

Nunez: Restarter, our last record, is a representation of where we were at about 2 years ago. It’s a very straightforward record compared to our previous releases. The record came together quickly and was a different pace from the upbeat vibe of [2012’s] Harmonicraft.

Lembach: We’re really proud of Gold. We spent many, many days in an unbearably hot storage space in rural Georgia writing these songs.

It’s sort of too fresh for me to have any kind of real perspective as far as how it relates/compares to the two EPs. I try to not think of things in those terms. Our main goal was to make the best, and most honest record we could. We refused to settle for “Ok” takes. We were very strict about getting the right vibe for each song individually, and pushing as hard as we could. I know that our band is meaningful to people in an emotional way, and we have to respect and honor that connection.

The best way for us to do that is to not kid ourselves into thinking ok is good enough. It’s not. Anyone can be average. Our band is more important to us than that.

This seems like the kind of tour that will draw a predominantly male audience. What can you say to encourage women to attend?

Beam: Ha! That’s impossible to answer.

Nunez: I don’t feel that’s true at all, and far from it. We’ve had equal men and women at our shows for years. I think everyone should attend any event that interests them and shouldn’t let a thought like that stop

RED FANG, TORCHE, WHORES 8 P.M. THURSDAY, DEC. 8, BEACHLAND BALLROOM, 15711 WATERLOO RD., 216-383-1124.

TICKETS: $20, BEACHLANDBALLROOM.COM

experimentation into the live set.

Nunez: I feel we’ve dialed in our sound over the time we have spent playing together and picked up certain things that have become part of what we do through experimenting. We always try new things and are open to different ideas, which is an important part of remaining interested in what you do and not writing the same record over and over.

Lembach: We’re trying to devolve, actually. We want to distill our sound to it’s most basic and primal elements.

Talk a little about your latest release and how it differs from previous efforts.

Beam: See my above answer!

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

them from going to an event that they are curious, excited about, or even mildly interested. People should come out and enjoy themselves!

Lembach: You’d be surprised.

Even though all three of us are sort of loud guitar bands, all three bands write actual songs and not just gross, riffy dude-rock, so the crowds are fairly diverse. All three bands have melodic elements, although it’s usually buried in feedback and noise ha. Also, all three bands consist of pretty sensitive, non-bro people. This tour is really ideal, and we’re having an incredible time.

jniesel@clevescene.com t@jniesel

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

51

MUSIC SONGS OF LOVE AND LOSS Personal trauma inspired singersongwriter Kristin Hersh’s new album

By Jeff Niesel SINGER-SONGWRITER KRISTIN Hersh recalls the first time she started hearing songs. They came to her in the wake of a serious accident.

Knocked off her bike by a car when she was a teenager, she wound up in the hospital with a concussion.

“I never understood what it was [when the songs started coming],” she says in a recent phone interview.

“It didn’t take me long to realize that other people didn’t hear them. To call them hallucinations never made sense because I believed in them. My [ex-] husband could tell there was a song before I could hear it. There was something happening that I couldn’t measure except in sound. It did resonate with some people. Music isn’t for everyone, but it is for some people.

I published the songs and continued to do so.”

Treated for a series of illnesses that she says doctors have alternately diagnosed as bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia, Hersh says she only recently recovered.

“I always said that I was just a musician,” says Hersh. “It’s music.

That’s what it was. The alternate person was writing the songs. That’s who had been writing the songs all along. The crack in my skull let me hear that. I went through the process of integration. Now, I’m both personalities. I’m Kristin and the songwriter. For most of my life, I had no memory of having written the songs and played them ever. Now, I’m present for playing them and writing records, but I haven’t written a song since. Maybe I’m not a songwriter anymore, and I don’t need to do that. I don’t know.”

Even if she never writes another song, Hersh will have left behind a remarkable legacy. When they were still teenagers, she and best friend/ stepsister Tanya Donnelly started the Muses, which they’d rechristen the Throwing Muses. That band would

52

AN EVENING WITH KRISTIN HERSH 7:30 P.M. SUNDAY, DEC. 11, MUSIC BOX SUPPER CLUB, 1148 MAIN AVE., 216-242-1250.

TICKETS: $20 ADV, $22 DOS, MUSICBOXCLE.COM

achieve critical acclaim during the ’80s and into the ’90s, issuing art-punk album that showed off Hersh’s poetic sensibilities. While the Muses still tour and record, Hersh, who also fronts the power trio 50 Foot Wave, devotes most of her time to her solo career.

The solo acoustic tour that brings her to the Music Box comes in support of her new album, Wyatt at the Coyote Palace, a double CD/ book combination.

The book/album includes “true stories” and “songs of love and loss.” She plays all instruments on the 24-track release that she recorded in Rhode Island with engineer Steve Rizzo. Her son Wyatt, who is on the autism spectrum,

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

inspired many of the tunes. The album title reflects his fascination with a coyote-inhabited abandoned apartment building behind the studio.

“There was no way to capture how magical that was,” she says when asked about the coyotes. “We’d follow their footprints in the snow. It was really beautiful and scary. There was something genuinely creepy about it with the human detritus and the wildness and the cold. Wyatt would film it and when he refused to go back in, the roof caved back in a week later.

He needed it, so I tried to stand next to him to keep him safe.”

Hersh wrote the songs during the

past five years, a period she describes as particularly dark. Songs such as the lilting “In Stitches,” with layers of vocals and acoustic gutiars, reference the emotional trauma she endured during the time period.

“It was a dark time but in that lean-to way where it’s raining, and you can feel the rain, and you get wet, but it provides safety and you feel lucky to be alive,” she says. “The text that informs the sonic sensibility oddly was the transcript of a conversation with a friend. He said that my bandmates and I only tell stories about dying and we think it’s really funny. He was right. It was reflected in the music and that lean-to idea where you take your life very seriously but you don’t take yourself seriously.”

Other tracks such as “Detox,” which starts with a thick bass riff before the distorted guitars kick in, sonically suggest the trouble she’s endured.

“It’s hard for me to talk about,” she says when asked about how the music reflects her personal life. “My husband just left one day after 25 years of marriage. The songs are talking about that. The kids and I are just checking each other’s breathing. We truly believed that people were good and we didn’t hurt each other unless we were hurt or unloved and now we know that’s not true. The most important person in the world just shattered us.

Unfortunately, that’s colored some of the songs on the record, and they were written before all that happened.

Unfortunately, that’s how songs work.

They sense the change before you do.”

She says the raw guitars reflect her pain as well.

“I would say on ‘Shotgun,’ which is how the record ends, the guitar is just screaming in pain more than I was able to,” she says. “I was so weak, but the guitar is never weak. I lost so much weight that I could barely stand up, yet the guitar is still muscular.

Guitars are just stronger than people.”

For the solo shows, Hersh says she plays whatever she feels like playing.

And at this point, she has hundreds of songs she could play.

“I also read from my books,” she says. “A song will remind me of a passage that will remind me of a song and then I stop for awhile. I play 50 Foot Wave songs and Appalachian folk songs. The shows are all different in that I think good songs are all different from each other.”

jniesel@clevescene.com t@jniesel

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

53

DYNAMIC DUO

Photo by Emanuel Wallace

MUSIC Local hip-hop act FreshProduce keeps it ‘fresh, local & equitable’

By Emanuel Wallace ON A CALM TUESDAY EVENING in the westside’s Hingetown neighborhood, local artists Brittany “DJ Red-I” and Samantha “Playne Jayne” Flowers are working on sprucing up their newly acquired record shop, Young Kingz.

Playne Jayne hangs up album covers on the wall as Red-I completes some tasks behind the desk and provides the sounds in the atmosphere.

Collectively, the duo is known as FreshProduce. The women have seen success in the past: Red-I is one of the more popular deejays in the city and Playne Jayne is a member of hip-hop crew LMNTL. The record shop is the latest in a string of achievements for the ladies, who have been functioning as a group for less than two years but have already seen their talents take them across the pond to Europe and back to Cleveland.

In addition to the store and their other achievements, FreshProduce is part of a organization that was awarded a grant by the Kresge Foundation in an effort to contribute to the strengthening of economic vitality, cultural expression and health in the Garden Valley neighborhood through a program called FreshLo, which is short for Fresh, Local & Equitable.

The two women decided to work together earlier this year at Muamin Collective’s annual RBG Christmas show at Grog Shop, and they haven’t looked back. “[The local hip-hop act] LMNTL was performing on stage, and I went up to Sam, and I said, ‘You and me should link up,’” Red-I says. “She thought I was crazy, but I had a vision and I saw something in her. I knew I had some interesting beats that I could pair well with her vocal style. By the following February we started doing some collaboration efforts. We just had sessions at my house and we were only supposed to do one or two things just to see what would happen, but we ended up making our first project, We Are FreshProduce.”

As far as influences go, in the beginning the duo looked at the early hip-hop groups like EPMD and Gang Starr, but they also find themselves inspired by the do-it-yourself element

54

and by life itself. The cover for the group’s first album was an homage to EPMD’s Strictly Business.

“I really liked Gang Starr and the synergy that was created with Guru on the mic and Premier having free rein over the production,” Red-I says.

“I feel like that was our dynamic early on. I also like some of the newer indie soul groups who do a lot of the work themselves. So I like the production relationships of a lot of groups from the past but also the marketing, promotion and approach of the newer artists. It’s like the wild, wild West and now. If you can market, promote and do your own thing, then you don’t have to go the traditional music industry route that everyone says you need to take.”

Jayne agrees.

“I feel like we’ve evolved to a point where we’re like, how can we be more like FreshProduce instead of anyone else?” she says. “I’m more inspired by life now. The third album, we just made especially. It is just inspired by what we saw and the things we heard.

We just translated that into lyrics and sound. To me, that’s what every artist should strive to get to — just taking all the stimulus from life and making it into music. That’s what I’m excited to do because I think we’re entering that zone right now where we can just make music from whatever we hear.”

FreshProduce’s third album, 4080, is slated for release on Monday, Dec. 12. FreshProduce hosts a listening session at Young Kingz that day from 6 to 9 p.m. They’ll also host a pop-up shop and spin records at the Ugly Sweater Night and Holiday Record Shop event that takes place at Mahall’s at 8 p.m. on Friday, Dec. 16.

“We were listening to A Tribe Called Quest just a couple days after Phife Dawg had died and there’s the line ‘industry rule 4080, record company people are shady,’” Playne Jayne says.

“We agreed and then it clicked like that’s the name, 4080. A couple days later, I wrote a lot of the project based on what we have been through. The album’s first song, ‘We Always Finish,’ we wrote that the morning I found out Phife had passed. I remember we were watching House Party. We watched a lot of ’90s hood movies. DJ Candi

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

Fresca brought them all with her. That was two nights after we got kicked out.”

The duo feels as if their third album is their best and most grown up effort to date and that it’s a testament to their time spent together and how they better understand each other now when compared to when they first decided to link up.

“When we came back, I thought about what is it like to be a woman in her late 20s in Cleveland, dealing with life, relationships, businesses, growth and what can we pull from our experience in France,” Red-I says. “I wanted to pull something that was not necessarily softer because the music’s as hard as it’s ever been, but something that was more adult. We still bring funky, groovy beats and serious lyrical content, but there’s more songs that sounds like this beat was made for this verse instead of this verse fits with this beat. Our first two albums were like that, but after our experience, I kind of know what Sam needs. It’s like Sam is Naomi Campbell and I’m Gianni Versace. I’ve got the perfect outfit for her versus having a model you know she’ll fit something that you have. Now we were creating stuff specifically for each other.”

The album features performances from Chelsea Pastel and Candi Fresca with some outside production courtesy of Muamin Collective’s A-Live and

Amani.Cove.

“A-Live has been huge,” Red-I says. “He mixed all of the project and produced the song ‘Tug of War.’ Amani contributed production on ‘No Fux.’ He also did ‘God Only Really Knows,’ which is a very important song because it’s a shoutout to GORK, and he did ‘Gotta Keep Movin’ which has a Phil Collins feel to it. The theme of this whole album is perseverance, to keep pushing despite adversity.”

Over Thanksgiving weekend, the creative partners opened the doors of the Young Kingz record shop. They are grateful and although the business is a very new venture, it feels right for FreshProduce. “[Local writer and musician] RA Washington approached us and asked us to take over ownership and operation of the store,” Red-I says. “We definitely jumped at the opportunity.

As a producer/DJ, I spin vinyl, I listen to vinyl, I sample vinyl and I collect vinyl. So for me, I understand the importance of a record shop. Number one, we love Cleveland. This is where we were born and raised. Number two, we love music. Number three, we love the culture behind it. We want Young Kingz to be the record shop for the DJs, musicians and beatmakers.”

scene@clevescene.com t@clevelandscene

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

55

LIVEWIRE WED

all the live music you should see this week Creeps: 9 p.m. Now That’s Class.

Winter Warm Up 2016: 9 p.m., $20 ADV, $24.99 DOS. The Agora Theatre.

A Work of Fiction/Hello Violet/ Darling Waste/The Interstate/ Taylor Scott (in the Locker Room): 7 p.m., $10. Mahall’s 20 Lanes.

12/07

10 X 3 Singer Songwriter Showcase: Hosted by Brent Kirby (in the Wine Bar): 8 p.m.

Brothers Lounge.

Andi Case/Jenna Fournier/Maddie Finn: 7:30 p.m., $6-$60. Grog Shop.

The Mystery Lights/Warbly Jets/ John’s Little Sister: 8:30 p.m., $10. Beachland Tavern.

Supersuckers/Jesse Dayton/ Gallows Bound: 8 p.m., $15 ADV, $17 DOS. Beachland Ballroom.

True North Big Band: 7 p.m., $12.

Bop Stop.

THU

12/08

Blaka Watra/Shana Falana (in the Locker Room): 9 p.m., $8.

Mahall’s 20 Lanes.

Michael Bolton Greatest Hits and Holiday Favorites: 7:30 p.m.

Hard Rock Rocksino.

Elton John Tribute by Madmen Across the Water: 7:30 p.m., $20 ADV, $22 DOS. Music Box Supper Club.

Dominick Farinacci and Guests: 8 p.m., $10. Bop Stop.

Chris Hatton’s Musical Circus (in the Wine Bar): 8 p.m. Brothers Lounge.

Jam Night with the Bad Boys of Blues: 9 p.m., free. Brothers Lounge.

The New Soft Shoe: 8 p.m., $8.

Beachland Tavern.

Radkey/The Fame Riot/So Long Albatross: 9 p.m., $3-$8. Grog Shop.

Rat Pack Featuring Frank, Dean and Sammy: 7 p.m., $5. Vosh Club.

Red Fang/Torche/Whores: 8 p.m., $20. Beachland Ballroom.

This Improvised Life: 8 p.m., $8.

The Euclid Tavern.

Z107.9 White Party with Lil Yatchy/DRAM/Luke Nasty/Doe Boy: 8 p.m., $25 ADV, $30 DOS. House of Blues.

FRI

12/09

Cruel Winter Fest 3: A fixture on the local scene for the past 10 years, Wallace Settles (aka Dirty Jones) is the promoter behind the local showcase Cruel Winter Fest, which takes place

56

SAT

Indie rock janglers, American Wrestlers will be rockin’ out at Mahall’s. See Saturday.

tonight at the Grog Shop. This year’s incarnation of an event that’s billed as “the only annual independent hip-hop festival in Cleveland” will feature more than 15 diverse acts at the Grog Shop and B Side Liquor Lounge. Ohio Hip Hop Award winner Kris Hilton and prominent Cleveland hip-hop artist Walker OG will serve as the hosts. DJ Corey Grand and DJ Chucky Supreme will spin between sets. (Jeff Niesel) 7 p.m., $10 ADV, $15 DOS. Grog Shop.

Gabriel Alegria’s Afro-Peruvian Sextet: 7 p.m., $20. Bop Stop. p.Stoops Album Release/ITEM/ Jul Big Green: Skillfully blending the various circles he walks in — turntable traditions, classical music education, folk composition — p.stoops brings a unique element to Cleveland’s electronic scene. Tonight he officially releases his new album, Ancient Computers, and we’re excited to see how that plays out. We checked out some of the unmastered tracks ahead of time, and it’s pretty cool stuff:

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

Imagine Hawaiian steel guitars mingling with volcanic springs of orchestral strings, all sampled against hip-hop beats. It’s heady, it’s danceable and it’s entirely of its own world. Stoops is also a former Scene intern, and we’ve enjoyed watching his music evolve since those days. (Eric Sandy) 9 p.m., $8 ADV, $12 DOS. Beachland Tavern.

Bob Gatewood From Put-In-Bay: 9 p.m., $7. Vosh Club.

Fifty Amp Fuse: 9:30 p.m., $10.

Brothers Lounge.

Ray Flanagan & the Authorities/ The Daniel Rylander Trio/ Gretchen Pleuss: 9 p.m., $5.

Happy Dog. Radney Foster/Ryan Humbert: 8 p.m., $18 ADV, $20 DOS. Beachland Ballroom.

Madison Crawl (in the Wine Bar): 8 p.m. Brothers Lounge.

Standing Rock Sioux Fundraiser Show with Walk Slow/Surf Deer/ Uno Lady/Village Bicycle: The Euclid Tavern.

Moss Stanley: 10:30 p.m., free.

Nighttown.

Tiger Sex/Time Cat/The Pizza

12/10

American Wrestlers/Varsity/ Bummed Out: After dissolving his Manchester, England-based project Working for a Nuclear Free City in 2013, Gary McClure rebranded himself as American Wrestlers. The transatlantic name serves as a premonition for McClure’s move to St. Louis shortly after the release of his self-titled debut. For his 2016 followup, Goodbye Terrible Youth, McClure bolstered his lo-fi dream pop with a full backing band that includes his American bride.

Melding old-school indie rock jangle guitar with McClure’s melodious voice and ear for pop, American Wrestlers will bring fans of Big Star and the Replacements under the same roof as followers of Passion Pit or Fun. (Bethany Kaufman) 9 p.m., $10 ADV, $12 DOS. Mahall’s 20 Lanes.

Kim Simmonds & Savoy Brown/ Austin Walkin’ Cane: With a band history that dates back to 1965 — more than 50 years!

— Savoy Brown maintains a reputation as a touring band’s band, one that has traced the curve of American blues rock under the aspirational work of frontman Kim Simmonds.

The current incarnation places Simmonds front and center, even in the band’s name (there have been, like, 300 million other musicians in Savoy Brown over the decades), and the band has been touring pretty hard in the wake of last year’s The Devil to Pay. It’s a solid album that covers all the ground you might be expecting in a blues record, circa-2016. It feels fresh and old school, and Pat DeSalvo and Garnet Grimm, the band’s rhythm section since 2009, come through clear and sharp as hell. Check “Bad Weather Brewing” for proof.

(Sandy) 8 p.m., $22 ADV, $25 DOS. Beachland Ballroom.

| clevescene.com m | December 7 - 13, 2016

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

Adam WakeďŹ eld/The Steeldrivers/ Seldom Scene: Starting with tonightâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s show at the Agora, Southern Ohio Multimedia and SamJam Promotions, organizers of the SamJam Bluegrass Festival in Piketon, Ohio, will begin hosting â&#x20AC;&#x153;periodic one-day eventsâ&#x20AC;? in the Cleveland area. The ďŹ rst event in the series features an eclectic mix of music that includes The Voiceâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Adam WakeďŹ eld, the Steeldrivers and the Seldom Scene.

(Niesel) 6 p.m., $42.50-$47.50. The Agora Theatre.

16th Annual Woodchoppers Ball 2016: 7 p.m., $30 ADV, $34 DOS. The Kent Stage.

Blizzard Bash 2016 with Teddy Boys/JR Blessington and the River Nile Band/Nate Jones: 8:30 p.m., $10. Beachland Tavern.

The Brass/Los Jacks/Basement Boys/The Old Breed: 9 p.m., $5.

Now Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Class.

Disco Paradiso Vol. 4 (in Club Atlantis): 9 p.m., $7. Now Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Class.

Duchess/Brent Kirby/Joshua Surgeon: 9 p.m., $5. Happy Dog. FireSide Lakewood: 8 p.m. Vosh Club.

A FunkyardX Holiday Concert with Forecast: 6:30 p.m., $25.

Bop Stop.

Chris Hanna (in the Wine Bar): 8 p.m. Brothers Lounge.

Dave Koz Christmas Tour 2016: 8 p.m., $10-$69.50. State Theatre.

The Rainbow Emergency/Dorian Walker & the Who Pooted Band: 10:30 p.m., $5. Grog Shop.

That 80s Band: 9:30 p.m., $5.

Brothers Lounge.

Timbara: 9 p.m., $5. The Euclid Tavern.

Jackie Warren: 10:30 p.m., free.

Nighttown.

Neil Zazaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s One Silent Night: 8 p.m., $15-$45. Hard Rock Rocksino.

SUN

12/11

Kamal Abdul Alim: 7 p.m., $12.

Bop Stop.

Boondox: 6 p.m., $15 ADV, $20 DOS. Agora Ballroom.

Boy Hits Car: 6 p.m., $8. The Foundry.

An Evening with Kristin Hersh (in the Supper Club): 7:30 p.m., $20 ADV, $22 DOS. Music Box Supper Club.

Austin Jones/Run 2 Cover/A Summer High: 7 p.m., $15.

Musica.

Aaron Lewis: 8 p.m., $30 ADV, $35 DOS. House of Blues.

PB & J Kids Jam With Gruca White Ensemble: 1 p.m., free. Bop Stop.

Mike Petrone: 5:30 p.m. Brothers Lounge.

The Second Annual Bi-Levels Showdown: 7 p.m., $15. Grog Shop.

MON

12/12

Skatch Anderssen Orchestra: 8 p.m., $7. Brothers Lounge.

Grassroots Bluegrass Jam: 7:30 p.m., free. The Euclid Tavern.

Velvet Voyage (in the Wine Bar): 8 p.m. Brothers Lounge.

TUE

12/13

William Parker and Patricia Nelson Parker: Musician, improvisor, educator, composer and author, William Parker plays the bass, shakuhachi, double reeds, tuba, donso ngoni and gembri. Born in 1952 in the Bronx, he studied bass with jazz greats such as Richard Davis, Art Davis, Milt Hinton, Wilber Ware, Jimmy Garrison, and Paul West and has recorded over 150 albums. In 2013, he received the Doris Duke Performing Artist Award. Parker hasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t performed in Cleveland since 1998, but local promoters New Ghosts have booked him to play tonight at the Bop Stop.

Dancer and veteran arts organizer Patricia Nicholson Parker as well as a local performer to be announced shortly will join him.

Following the performances, the New Ghosts folks will facilitate a Q&A discussion with performers and audience members about â&#x20AC;&#x153;the role of artists in oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s community as activists and defenders of humanity.â&#x20AC;? (Niesel) 8 p.m., $15.

Bop Stop.

Old Brooklyn/Steve Wright/Mike Sandy: 8:30 p.m., $5. Grog Shop.

Whitney Peyton: 6 p.m., $8 ADV, $12 DOS. Agora Ballroom.

Spirit Animal/Nico Yaryan: 8 p.m., $10 ADV, $12 DOS. Beachland Tavern.

Two-Set Tuesday Featuring Kevin McCarthy (in the Wine Bar): 7 p.m. Brothers Lounge.

Dan Zola Big Band: 7:30 p.m., $10.

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By Jeff Niesel MEET THE BAND: ML (drums), Paul Resnik (keyboards, vocals), Rich Troha (guitars), Jay Henry (bass) STONER ROCK BEFORE IT WAS COOL: Originally together from 1995 to 2001, the band was a regular on the local circuit and opened for national acts such as Hawkwind, Fu Manchu and Barkmarket. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We were doing a stoner rock thing when there werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t a lot of other stoner rock things,â&#x20AC;? explains ML. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It was us and [local rocker] Red Giant. We had a standing gig at the Euclid Tavern.

The owner there was a big fan and would book us regularly.â&#x20AC;? The band also routinely played the Grog and Phantasy and toured with the locally based metal band Mushroomhead. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We wanted to play what we liked and what was heavy,â&#x20AC;? says ML. THE SOUND REMAINS THE SAME: When ML broke his back in 2001, band members tried out another drummer but would eventually call it a day. Once he recovered from surgery, ML started playing again and joined the local rock act Mechanics of Things. Earlier this year, he approached his former Nucleon bandmates about playing again and they recruited bassist Jay Henry via a Craigslist ad. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re pretty much doing the same stuff,â&#x20AC;? says ML. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We pulled all the old tunes back up. Our new bassist gives it a heavier sound. We jammed a couple of times and we knew that was it.â&#x20AC;?

4BU %FDFNCFS t QN heavy, Black Sabbath-inďŹ&#x201A;uenced interludes and spacey, psychedelic noodling. Resnikâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s gruff vocals are characteristic of stoner rock bands such as Queens of the Stone Age and Monster Magnet, but often sound so mufďŹ&#x201A;ed you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t make out the lyrics. At its most interesting, Nucleon has the qualities of good psychedelic rock â&#x20AC;&#x201D; the swirling guitars and soaring electronic noises are groovy and mindnumbing. ML says he still owns a few hundred copies of the disc and plans to have it along with other releases from the bandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s catalog available for sale when the band plays the Maple Grove, which will be its ďŹ rst show in 15 years. â&#x20AC;&#x153;We are looking to get back in the studio in February or March,â&#x20AC;? he says, adding that heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll also sell his patented hot sauce at the gig. By the end of the summer next year, the band should have a new CD. â&#x20AC;&#x153;The reaction to the reunion has been positive, and I am psyched about the show,â&#x20AC;? he says.

Jim Lasckoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Solar Fire Light Show will also be on hand to provide the trippy visuals for the Maple Grove gig.

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

61

C-NOTES LOCAL RAPPER ISSUES NEW MUSIC VIDEO SERIES Photo by Emanuel Wallace

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LOCAL RAPPER VICE SOULETRIC was born in Louisville, but has called Lorain home since the age of 1. Souletric got into rapping while freestyling in high-school art class.

He’d eventually form Play Havoc, in which he rapped and produced under the name Ill Advice. With his solo debut, Vice for President, the rapper collaborated with the likes of Talib Kweli, N.O.R.E. and KRS-ONE among others, both as a rapper and producer.

“With Vice for President, that was like the debut album for me as a solo artist,” he told Scene earlier this year. “That was the first time where it was just completely me and my project from beginning to end.

Before that, most of the features that I would have would be pretty much doing the production. A lot of the stuff I did when I was working with people was production, but everything you’re hearing from me now as far as features is me rapping.”

Now, he’s just released “Soulections,” a freestyle series on which he “spits his coldest 16s over 3 different beats with an eye-catching video for each.”

Part 1 of the series features beats by producers Ill Brown (Chicago), Thadd Ross (Charlotte) and Paco (Niles, Ohio).

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

Local singer-songwriter Ray Flanagan launched Ray Flanagan & the Authorities in late 2012. Though the group has gone through several incarnations, the guys have been going strong ever since: Last year’s A Hard Shell to Break established Flanagan & Co. as one of the better indie rock acts on the local circuit.

Last month, Flanagan & the Authorities issued a new single, “Plants by the Water,” a tender ballad about how the Dakota Access Pipeline represents “disrespect and disregard for morality, culture, and humanity.”

Proceeds from the song’s sale will benefit the Standing Rock DAPL fund.

Flanagan says the song came together over the course of a week.

“I started going back and researching it and went down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out

Rapper Vice Souletric has issued a series of new music videos.

the history of the whole thing,” he says. “I wanted to see the treaty [with the Sioux Indians] that was being violated. It’s the same thing that’s been happening for a couple of hundred years. I was bummed out for a whole week while I was writing it.”

A day or two later, he recorded the song. Recorded and mixed by David Alan Shaw at Tungsten AV, the album was mastered by Adam Boose at Cauliflower Audio. Local singersongwriter Roger Hoover’s Hoover Design Co. did the artwork.

“I’m proud and impressed by our community — they all jumped on board and made it happen,” Flanagan says. “It was great.”

To celebrate its release, Flanagan & the Authorities perform at 9 p.m. on Friday, Dec. 9, at the Happy Dog. Also on the bill are Daniel Rylander, who just released the new single “White Elephant,” and Gretchen Pleuss, who recently issued the LP From Birth, to Breath, to Bone.

“I’m excited about the bill,” says Flanagan. “Daniel is a great songwriter and Gretchen Pleuss is great too. One of the goals of this show is to try and start blurring the lines between the Akron and Cleveland scenes. Gretchen writes these poetic, at times socially conscious, songs. She treats melody and harmony differently and her guitar playing is special. I couldn’t be more excited even though we probably don’t all belong on the bill because, genre-wise, it’s all over the place. But we’re all song-minded, even though they’re different types of songs.”

The show will also debut a new lineup for the Authorities.

scene@clevescene.com t@clevelandscene

| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

SAVAGE LOVE HUSBANDRY

by Dan Savage Dear Dan, I’m a 37-year-old gay man who just got out of an abusive relationship.

We were together five years, moved to Portland together, got married three years ago, yada, yada, yada. He suffered a traumatic injury earlier this year, which led to PTSD, which led to a nervous breakdown, which led to our savings being depleted, which led him to leave me in October.

He moved back to the other side of the country, and I’m broke and on my own in a strange city. I saw your dirty film festival when it played here, and it made me realize something: At my age, I should still be enjoying myself and evolving sexually. I was unhappy in my marriage for the last two years, but sexually I was unhappy for a long time. Recently, I had a decent one-night stand. It was a drunken, stoned hot mess, but it got the job done — and there was no guilt on my part, which to me signifies that it really is over with my ex. But I can’t help feeling like I’m starting over. Not just dating, but starting over with my sex life and my writing. My ex had me switch from LGBT media—which I am very good at — to copywriting, which sucks but is “steadier.” The point is: I want so much sexually, because I’ve been starved physically and psychologically, but I don’t know where to begin. I feel like my marriage eviscerated me sexually. Not just the sex part of it, but the parts of my homosexuality that felt important to my personality, not just my turnons. Help.

— Grieving And Yearning Man Asking Nicely You’re not too old to enjoy yourself and evolve sexually, GAYMAN — you’re never too old to enjoy yourself or evolve, sexually or otherwise. But it takes time to bounce back after a committed LTR ends traumatically.

So don’t rush yourself. But as soon as you can — sooner than perhaps it feels right — you’ll need to get out there. You’ll need to actively and intentionally reconnect to your homosexuality and the ways in which it shaped and continues to inform your personality, your perspective, and your joy.

And now some random tips …

I’m not being look-ist or bodyfascist here — this isn’t about having

Instagrammable abs or the best torso on Grindr — but join a gym, GAYMAN. Or take up a sport that kicks your ass, cardio-wise. Forcing your body to outrun your brain is a good way to get back in touch with yourself physically, emotionally and sexually. And exercising — again, I’m not talking abs here — is good for us.

It’s a natural antidepressant. It gets blood pumping into our extremities.

(Your dick is an extremity.) And it gets us out of our heads. It also creates a social space, if you do it regularly, where you can make friends and connections without booze or drugs or the scourge of dance music.

If the gym isn’t for you, ride a bike.

If biking isn’t for you, run. If running isn’t for you, walk. Just get your ass moving.

Go volunteer somewhere, anywhere.

Like someone or other once said, it’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re making yourself useful. Go volunteer at the ACLU or Planned Parenthood, do some copywriting for an LGBT civil-rights organization, find out what orgs are working with immigrants in your community and ask them what kind of help they need.

Please don’t succumb to meth or any of the other stupid drugs. Pot and alcohol — in moderation — aren’t stupid drugs.

Reach out to friends you lost touch with over the last five years, apologize for letting these relationships go, and ask if they’d like to reconnect. Not all will, GAYMAN — some might be too angry to reconnect right now (you may hear from them later), some might not have any extra friendship bandwidth right now (ditto). Focus on friends who want to reconnect, and don’t be bitter about friends who don’t.

Masturbate. A lot. And don’t use porn every single time — try using your imagination, flip through the ol’ solodex. Be open to new experiences.

Ask yourself where you’ve always wanted to go. Pick a big gay event you’ve always wanted to attend — gay days at Disneyland, International Mr. Leather in Chicago, the World Series of Beer Pong in Las Vegas — and start setting money aside so you’ll have that trip to look forward to.

Good luck, GAYMAN.

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

67

OHIO’S PREMIER

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1004 Kenmore Blvd.

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EASTLAKE 32888 Vine St. 440.942.8668

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MANSFIELD

16 N. State St. 532 Park Ave. West 419.522.1695 330.545.8131

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| clevescene.com | December 7 - 13, 2016

ALL STORES CLOSED CHRISTMAS DAY

›

BARBERTON

CLEVELAND

Now Hiring!