Live Active Cultures: Teatro Martini dinner cabaret is half-baked

BY SETH KUBERSKY

New musical comedy cabaret Teatro Martini needs to work out some kinks on the ol’ razzle-dazzle

With Orlando’s attractions return-

ing to full operating capacity, Walt Disney World recently announced the return of live entertainment across its theme parks. But absent from the list of resurrected productions were any of the Mouse’s resort hotel dinner shows, including the legendary HoopDee-Doo Musical Revue. Fortunately for both guests who enjoy supping their way through a show and the actors employed to entertain them while they eat, other independent venues like Medieval Times and Sleuths Mystery Dinner Shows have managed to keep the lights on.

Now you can add a new, yet somewhat familiar, entry to that list. During my visit to California earlier this month, I drove down Buena Park’s Beach Boulevard — the Anaheim-area equivalent of International Drive — and spotted a sign outside the Pirates Dinner Adventure advertising “Teatro Martini.” If that name rings a bell, it’s because Pirates’ sister location on Orlando’s Carrier Drive debuted its own staging of this musical comedy cabaret shortly before COVID-19 closed everything down.

Today, Teatro Martini is back in business with what’s being billed as a new show, which I was invited to attend during its recent reopening weekend. It had been several years since I’d visited the Pirates Dinner Adventure complex, and I’m sorry to say the attraction doesn’t make a positive first impression. After an untrained employee attempted to point us through the trash-strewn parking lot (which they charge $8 to use), a sloppily hand-painted sign led us past a stagnant fountain and pile of discarded clothing to a seemingly abandoned alleyway. Happily, the experience improved immediately upon entering the building, as we were welcomed into an opulent Prohibition-era lounge for a quick souvenir snapshot with a friendly photographer, then ushered through a “hidden” passageway into the main performance space.

Once inside, I instantly recognized Teatro Martini’s newly redecorated venue as the former home of Treasure Tavern — which I reviewed exactly 11 years ago — despite the room being stripped of much of its quirky Adventurers Club-inspired knickknacks in favor of generically gaudy speakeasy-meetsbordello decor. Heavy red curtains and flat-screen televisions frame the stage along one side of the long room, and a well-stocked bar dominates the opposite wall, with booths for seated patrons in between bathed in colorfully illuminated atmospheric haze. Location isn’t the only link between Teatro Martini and Treasure Tavern; both feature a burlesque mistress of ceremonies (now called “Madame Talia,” played by Madeline Regier) and her dancing “Jewels” (Amanda Sullivan, April Lorenzi, Ashton Antinazi, Sarah Joyner), hosting an adults-only vaudeville show while attempting to wrangle three slapstick stooges. The earlier production was written and performed by Todd Ferren, who led an opening cast that included Ed Budd, Ali Flores and Heather Leonardi.

This renamed incarnation is credited to California director Alexander Makardish, with rewrites by Christina Riba and Nick Kroger. Kroger, who directs the Orlando production, also plays the comic trio’s leader, “Rob,” a role created in Buena Park by Orlando expat Tony Robinette. A veteran of the now-closed Holy Land Experience, Kroger demonstrates his versatility by pivoting to outrageous adult-oriented improvisation, eliciting laughs as much with his Buster Poindexter hairdo and Eugene Levybeating eyebrows as the cutting quips he lands with a Paul Lynde-ian quaver. Kroger is ably matched in moronic mirth by Yan Diaz as “Jeff,” his ethnically ambiguous assistant, and Sissy Quaranta’s “Jinx,” who inverts the usual innocent ingenue archetype by being bawdier than the boys; this kind of character is like nails on a chalkboard to me regardless of gender, but Quaranta goes for the grossout gags with gusto.

This threesome powers Teatro Martini’s paper-thin plotline about Jinx’s quest to join the Jewels — and also lead embarrassing audience participation segments that made this ex-Rocky Horror emcee squirm — but the soul of any variety cabaret is its specialty acts. Although advertised as a Las Vegas-level production, Teatro Martini’s lineup seems more suited for the Ed Sullivan Show of a half-century ago. Athletic adagio lifts and lyrical pole dancing by Benji Aleksandrova & Nicolas Vleeshouwers; Anna Jack’s high-speed hula hooping; and plate-and-cup juggling from Maks Annaev are among the evening’s highlights. All the artists are entertaining enough, but none are anywhere near as innovative or memorable as the Russian quick-change artists once featured in Treasure Tavern, and the initially tight pacing turns plodding before the 90-minute show ends.

You may have noticed that I’ve failed to pay attention to the dinner part of this dinner show, but I fear the kitchen has as well. I passed on the optional baskets of deepfried appetizers and exchanged my wilted salad with spongy croutons for a lukewarm bowl of tomato soup. The best part of my stringy quarter-chicken entree was the gravy, which helped enliven the limp veggies; the pesto pasta option was only slightly better. Curiously, meal service was completed before the main performance even started, instead of the courses being integrated into the show structure like at every other dinner theater. Kroger and marketing director Skyler Rankin said they didn’t want audiences distracted by eating during the entertainment, but they don’t seem to mind interrupting the act by soliciting surveys and advertising drink specials. Speaking of drinks, I sampled six of their eye-catching signature martinis, and all except the Amber Rose and Teatro were undrinkable.

While it might not be my cup of bathtub gin, there’s a ton of talent on the Teatro Martini stage, which I hope the Pirates management can hold onto in the long term, given their track record of conflict with creative cast members. Meanwhile, the adjoining Jewel dueling piano bar — with its decadent atmosphere and $10 cover charge for patrons not attending the dinner show — could turn out to be the complex’s real sleeper hit. For now, I’m going to leave Teatro Martini to the Villages-dwelling Boomers and drunken bachelorettes to whom it’s aimed, but you might just find me imbibing next door.

TEATRO MARTINI MUSICAL CABARET | PHOTO BY SETH KUBERSKY

skubersky@orlandoweekly.com