Savage Love

CULTURE

:Q My boyfriend and I have not had sex for more than two years. When I rst as ed him about it he hemmed and ha ed. hen pressed him he said he doesn t ha e any interest. elt li e he as not telling me the hole truth. hen suggested he tell his doctor my boy riend said he could not do that because his doctor is an old amily riend. e on t go to another doctor. don t no hat to do. taying in a long term relationship ithout se does not appeal to me. ut lo e him so lea ing him is not an option. On all other levels we have a great relationship. ut miss his coc and miss intimacy. ha e tried many things but am sic and tired o being re used. e ill remo e my hand rom his coc i touch it and he does not seem to e er get hard anymore. used to thin that it as my ault but no longer accept the blame. hat can do

—Unhappy Not Having Any Penetration Play In Literally Years

:A If you’re going to rule out leaving, UNHAPPILY, your options are staying and enduring a sexless existence or staying and having sex with other people. If you don’t wanna be accused of cheating, you’ll have to ask your boyfriend’s permission to seek sex elsewhere. If you don’t wanna ask his permission or you ask and don’t get it, well, then you’ll either have to endure a sexless existence or discreetly fuck other people when you have the chance. (I hesitate to describe that as cheating in a case like yours, UNHAPPILY, since you wouldn’t be cheating your boyfriend out of anything he seems to want.)

:Q I’m a 65-year-old gay man and o er the past e years e completely lost interest in having sex with other men. oincidentally pleasure rom the prostate has gone to a whole new level. I am now having the most intense and po er ul prostate induced orgasms one could as or — li e oining the uni erse intense. o need to see a therapist

—My Orgasms Are Now Sensational

:A Only if you’re unhappy, MOANS, and you don’t sound unhappy to me. (And if you were, you might be better off seeing a sex worker. :Q bro e up ith my boy riend about one month ago a ter almost a year together. m and he s and e met at or . month a ter e started dating his mom died. e is a ealous and controlling person hereas m a ery riendly and outgoing person and he didn t li e it that had riends. e as constantly orried as cheating on him and ould reassure him as best could. tried to be understanding because again his mom had ust died. ut nothing helped. month ago he starts yelling that he no no s or sure had cheated on him at least three times even if he doesn’t have any proof. (I never cheated on him. o bro e it off. ut he continues to send me do ens o abusi e te t messages e ery day. t the same time he ma es e cuses to see me. T o ee s ago he came o er to get his phone charger hich as not here. Today he came demanding a s eatshirt hich do not ha e. et een these surprise isits he sends te t messages saying he ould be happy if something terrible happened to me. hat should do loc ing him isn t an option as e continue to or together and must communicate or or related reasons.

—Pushy Ex Abusing Confused Ex

:A Get him fired, EACE. Show his text messages to your boss or to HR, and demand they do something about the hostile work environment he’s created for you, i.e., tell your bosses you expect them to fire him. If your employer won’t fire your ex, EACE, talk to a lawyer about suing your employer and, if you must, seek employment elsewhere. I’m sorry this is being done to you, EACE, and in the future a controlling, possessive piece of shit who “constantly worries” you’re cheating on him needs to be dumped immediately. Because those sorts of “worries” always — always — become angry and sometimes violent accusations in the end.

:Q hy do adult men ant to loo li e pre pubescent boys by cutting a ay their pubic hair air is masculine and should be allo ed to thri e in its natural habitat.

—Bush Lover In Maryland

:A Are you suggesting you can’t tell the difference between a -year-old man who shaved his pubes and a prepubescent 11-year-old boy who doesn’t have any pubes to shave? Because if you can’t, BLIM, you shouldn’t be having sex with anyone.

OK, wherever you are right now, BLIM, I’m sure you’re saying, “Of course I can tell the difference ” To which I would respond, if it’s unfair for me to suggest you can’t tell the difference between a -year-old man and an 11-year-old boy unless there are pubes present, it’s unfair for you to suggest that adult men who shave their pubes

Savage Love

y an a age

JOE NEWTON

are trying to pass themselves off as pre-pubescent boys. (And why would they do that To attract pedophiles who can’t tell the difference ou can make your preference for hairy adult crotches clear to potential sex partners without impugning the motives or tastes of people who prefer to keep their adult crotches shaved or trimmed.

P.S. I get a lotta unsolicited dick pics in my line of work — not complaining, just saying — and half the dicks I see in any given week have pubes. So, there are plenty of naturally hairy guys out there for you to choose from, BLIM.

:Q e been hoo ing up ith someone or a hile. t s been but not great and don t ant to do it anymore. he s per ectly good people ery riendly but e re only uc buddies and m not en oying uc ing that much. o can end this nicely person can say “ ey it s not you it s me hen brea ing up ith a romantic partner. omeho saying “ ey don t ant to do this anymore to someone you re ust boning seems almost cruel li e m saying “ ey you suc in bed. o need to ma e up a hite lie m in an M marriage so could say “My partner ants to close things up or no but ind o hate lying.

—This Is The End

:A Trust your instinct and lie — and that’s what, “It’s not you, it’s me,” is, right It’s a lie, TITE, and everyone knows it’s a lie; the person who says it during a breakup knows it’s a lie, the person who hears it during a breakup knows it’s a lie. But it’s a lie most of us are comfortable being told. Because when someone says, “It’s not you, it’s me,” what they’re saying to us is, “Look, I know this sucks and it hurts and I’m sorry and I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I have to and if it takes even a little bit of the hurt away for me to blame myself when we both know I don’t blame myself and that I want out of this relationship because you’re not who or what I want I’m willing to do that.”

So, while you can’t avail yourself of the face-saving, ego-sparing, off-theshelf “It’s not you, it’s me” lie, you can and should avail yourself of the lie you were workshopping there at the end of your question: “My partner wants to close things up for now.”

:Q m a year old ueer boy ith a language uestion or you. seeing other people piss. Pissing at a urinal pissing their pants pissing in the tub pissing on me. o e er hen say to people “ ha e a pee etish in ariably the response get is “ don t ant you to pee on me. don t ant to pee on them That literally does nothing or me! I’m only interested in other people pissing on or near me o udgment on people ho ibe ith that as my etish relies on those onder ul people. ut m ust not turned on by my o n piss. o my uestion is can you thin of separate words or labels to better distinguish bet een people ho li e to pee on people ho li e to be peed on and people ho li e both

—Pee Is Super Sexy

:A Top bottom vers works for anal, it works for fisting, it works for BDSM, and it works for piss, too. And if telling someone you’re exclusively a piss bottom doesn’t do the trick, hand them a laminated printout of your question and my response. And if a guy still doesn’t get it after reading this, PISS, he’s probably not smart enough to find his dick and point it at you.

:Q hen the ible says “come it means cum. That seems rather important or deciphering its hidden meaning. t s all about the importance o sperm retention. ry e aculation is the desert sraelites are sperm cells Jacob s adder is ghting the urge to e aculate e aculation is Christ rising to Heaven to meet od aron s rod is his penis Moses s staff is his penis. nd so on.

—Intense Biblical Studies

:A I don’t argue with crazy people on subways, in restaurants, on airplanes, or at family gatherings. So, whatever you say, IBS, whatever you say.

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