Scene Dec 2, 2015

DECEMBER 2 - 8, 2015 • VOLUME 46 ISSUE 22

2

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 3

DE C EM BER 2 - 8, 2015 • VOLU M E 46 No 22

Dedicated to Free Times founder Richard H. Siegel (1935-1993) and Scene founder Richard Kabat Publisher Chris Keating Associate Publisher Desiree Bourgeois Editor Vince Grzegorek

CONTENTS 46 Upfront

Editorial Managing Editor Eric Sandy Music Editor Jeff Niesel Staff Writer Sam Allard Web Editor Alaina Nutile Dining Editor Douglas Trattner Contributing Dining Editor Nikki Delamotte Stage Editor Christine Howey Visual Arts Editor Josh Usmani Interns Xan Schwartz, Brittany Rees, Brandon Koziol

6

The Internet Outrage Machine rises, Cleveland Heights cuts a deal with the Plain Dealer, and more

Framed

8

Feature

11

Our favorite photos we’ve shared with you this week

Advertising Senior Multimedia Account Executive John Crobar, Shayne Rose Multimedia Account Executive Kiara Hunter-Davis, Joseph Williamson, Savannah Drdek Classified Account Executive Alice Leslie Creative Services Production Manager Steve Miluch Layout Editor/Graphic Designer Christine Hahn Staff Photographer Emanuel Wallace

Our annual Comedy Issue will bust your gut with laughter and curiosities

Business Asst. To The Publisher Angela Lott Sales Assistant/Receptionist Megan Stimac

Get Out!

Dozens of events spanning the next week in Cleveland

23

Circulation Circulation Director Don Kriss Euclid Media Group Chief Executive Officer Andrew Zelman Chief Operating Officers Chris Keating, Michael Wagner Chief Financial Officer Brian Painley Human Resources Director Lisa Beilstein Digital Operations Coordinator Jaime Monzon

Art

32

Stage

33

Film

35

Dining

37

www.euclidmediagroup.com National Advertising Voice Media Group 1-800-278-9866, voicemediagroup.com

DayGlo lights up the wintry north shore with unique paint project

Two drunk, sex-crazed broads and one gay elf. Where’s Frosty the Snowman when you need him?

Cleveland Scene 737 Bolivar Rd, #4100 Cleveland, OH 44115 www.clevescene.com Phone 216-241-7550 Retail & Classified Fax 216-241-6275 Editoral Fax 216-802-7212 E-mail scene@clevescene.com Cleveland Scene Magazine is published every week by Euclid Media Group.

Verified Audit Member Cleveland Distribution Scene is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader Copyright The entire contents of Cleveland Scene Magazine are copyright 2015 by Euclid Media Group. Reproduction in whole or in part without written permission of the publisher is prohibited. Publisher does not assume any liability for unsolicited manuscripts, materials, or other content. Any submission must include a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

All editorial, advertising, and business correspondence should be mailed to the address listed above.

Subscriptions $150 (1 yr); $ 80 (6 mos.) Send name, address and zip code with check or money order to the address listed above with the title ‘Attn: Subscription Department’

Spike Lee’s latest, Chi-Raq, has vitality, but not much else

Banter -- a beer and wine shop, and a whole lot more -- finally opens this week

Music

Singer-guitarist Steve Hackett just gets better with age

Savage Love

All twisted up on sister woes

43

Take

SCENE with you with our iPad app!

“Cleveland Scene Magazine”

60 COVER ILLUSTRATION BY AARON SECHRIST

248-620-2990

Printed By

...The story continues at clevescene.com

818 huron cleveland

Prospect Music

216 621.5409

prospectmusicstore.com

New & Vintage at

2012 GIBSON J185E Acoustic

4

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

AA-B2B_2015-CARAS-4.55x2.87.indd 1

7/31/15 3:06 PM

Huge Savings!

1972 GrEtSch tennessean

2100 Center Rd. Avon, OH 44011

440.934.1544

Sales@ThePixelConnection.com

FREE NEXT DAY DELIVERY * OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK * Must be In-Stock Items Only. Items must ship to valid Ohio street address (No P.O. Boxes). Orders must be completed by 2pm to qualify.

THE LEGENDARY® BURGER

AMERICAN CLASSIC EATS WITH A TWIST. UNIQUE MUSIC EXPERIENCES. JAW-DROPPING MEMORABILIA. CLEVELAND | 230 W HURON RD. | +1-216-830-7625 join hardrockrewards.com

UNT2149CL15 Cleveland Scene_7.55x4.85.indd 1

HARDROCK.COM

#THISISHARDROCK ©2015 Hard Rock International (USA), Inc. All rights reserved.

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 5 11/24/15 11:52 AM

UPFRONT INTERNET OUTRAGE MACHINE GOES TO WORK AGAINST MEDINA WALMART MANAGER

THIS WEEK

IN THE LATEST EXAMPLE OF our great Ouroboros Internet hate machine creating a Mount Vesuvius out of a mole hill, the manager of the Walmart in Medina has been receiving death threats and demands for her to be fired for the past few days, according to a WEWS report.

Why? Here’s how it goes: Some outragebent Walmart patron noticed retired Marine John Harkness gathering Toys for Tots donations outside the store. She bought him a coffee (from Subway, apparently) and learned that the manager had barred him from soliciting inside the building.

Harkness was mostly fine with it, though, and continued the holiday charity work he’s been doing for the past 14 years. (“Why not? This is for the kids. It’s not about us,” Harkness told WEWS.) Then the image popped up on Facebook, and the world set to work.

The incredible design work features the store manager’s name, photo and work phone number. It has been shared more than 30,000 times, mostly with compelling commentary like “This woman should be slapped...” and “disgusting. it’s thanks to him that this ignorant bitch can even OWN a store.” and “Commie bitch needs to go....”

But listen, Walmart’s corporate policy doesn’t allow any solicitation inside stores. The general narrative here is that a former store manager in Medina was open to Harkness soliciting inside; the new and current manager is sticking with corporate policy.

For that, she’s on the wrong end of a cultural force that feels it’s OK to casually publish violent rhetoric against suburban Walmart managers.

“I don’t feel that’s necessary. I think that’s totally out of line. I would like them to really stop harassing the family,” Lynn Harkness, John’s wife, told WEWS. Consider this the “Red Cup”

6

REALITY

Photo by Janet Rodin/Facebook

The infamous seed of outrage, a photo of John Harkness doing charity work.

theory of social outrage. Some CroMagnon comes along and slaps a hot take on a minor social ripple onto his or her shitty Facebook page with the addendum: “We should all call corporate! Get this [insert vile expletive] fired!” Well, you know how much we all enjoy picking up the pitchforks and raising high holy hell. This non-story spread and exploded like Wildfire in the Battle of Blackwater Bay over our otherwise turkey-stuffed holiday weekend.

Once you’re a tier or two out on the expanding ziggurat of hate -remember, death threats -- it becomes less and less clear what the central issue even is. Most folks -- and you can bank on this -- see a photo of a Marine with a few exclamation points in the margins and, immediately, their limbic system pops like a champagne bottle on New Year’s. More primitive emotions like “fight or flight” and “must kill,” long dulled by years spent watching Frasier and debating the finer points of handcrafted butt plugs, well, those emotions come roaring out to live eternally online. And these people don’t even spruce up their third-grade grammar!

From the outside, it’s a beautiful ballet. At the very least, we all quickly learn who among our friends has a Snickers bar for a brain.

This new American pastime needs to stop. There’s a rational explanation for “what happened” at the Medina Walmart, and it’s pretty painless to swallow.

Rice family releases independent reports claiming shooting “unjustified.”

Necessary move, although Scene has been releasing reports claiming Frank Jackson has an actual lizard’s tail for years. Truth is tough to swallow.

FOREVER UNCLEAN!

PLAIN DEALER’S “SHOPCLE” IN THE LINE OF FIRE The city of Cleveland Heights, through “focused citizen pressure” and the work of law director Jim Juliano, has negotiated mail delivery of the Plain Dealer’s Shop Greater Cleveland advertising flyers.

The flyers, which are sheathed in a translucent plastic bag and are distributed on Wednesdays to 645,000 households in greater Cleveland, had been previously delivered by van -“drive-by delivery,” in the vernacular of disgruntled residents who complained that the advertisements were carelessly tossed into driveways and streets, violating the suburb’s littering ordinance.

“We’re very happy that there was a resolution,” said law director Jim Juliano, who negotiated with Plain Dealer attorney David Marburger in the matter. “The flyers certainly did make a mess, and, at least for our purposes, we’re glad to have the USPS deliver them in the 44118 zip code.”

Cleveland Heights Resident Bob Rosenbaum, who also co-chairs the Heights Observer advisory committee, started the “ShopCLE: Stop Littering Our Streets” Facebook page in early November.

Rosenbaum said when residents’ complaints weren’t being adequately addressed, he contacted ShopCLE advertisers by mail to alert them of the situation.

Browns lose to Ravens in Brownsiest Browns Browns of all Browns on Monday night. One silver lining: We haven’t laughed that hard since the first few seasons of The League.

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

VET IT

Not a single criminal has signed onto new mandatory gun registry in first month of operations. One 19-year-old gang member told media: “I’m still holding out hope for a robust gun control debate before I decide.”

“I told them not only that their advertising wasn’t being seen,” Rosenbaum said, “but that it was creating a nuisance in our community. I did that just to get the attention of the Plain Dealer and it seemed to work.”

Heinen’s CEO John Heinen responded to Rosenbaum -- the only advertiser to do so -- and reached out to the PD. Rosenbaum said that both the Plain Dealer’s depot manager Cathy McBride (who’s in charge of ShopCLE distribution), and Matt Zaborksy, head of the company subcontracted for delivery locally, were polite and responsive to resident concerns.

He suspects there was simply a misunderstanding.

“This was not about getting papers we don’t want,” Rosenbaum said. “This was about dumping in our neighborhood.”

The Village of Newburgh Heights looks like it will also be receiving mailed ShopCLEs beginning next week. Mayor Trevor Elkins, who was unavailable for comment by phone, posted to his personal Facebook page Monday that his appeals to the PD had been successful.

“I informed [Cathy McBride] this morning their driver would be cited for littering and they insisted Reddy v. Plain Dealer protected their right to engage in this activity,” he wrote.

(Reddy v. Plain Dealer was a 2013 case in which the Ohio Court of Appeals upheld the opinion that the PD was not trespassing when it delivered free publications to private property when it was not explicitly told it couldn’t.)

“They threatened to sue me and the village,” wrote Elkins. “I encouraged her to do so... At about 5:30 I received a call stating the deliveries would return to the mailbox next week.”

Chris Chimes, the PD’s director of planning and project management, told Scene via email that they took their responsibility to the community “very seriously.”

QUALITY OF LIFE December in Cleveland: Welcome to the Land of 10,000 Indie Craft Markets.

CLEARANCE SALE!

dISCoUNTS oN BIKeS • aCCeSSorIeS • CLoTHING LoadS of CoLd weaTHer rIdING aCCeSSorIeS avaILaBLe To Keep yoU rIdING year roUNd

offerING BIKe reNTaLS

INCLUdING moUNTaIN & faT BIKeS

thebroadwaycycler y.com

665 Broadway ave., Bedford • (440) 735-BIKe (2453)

Located less than one mile from the Bedford Reservation singletrack bike trail

The Stampede:

Donna the Buffalo, Peter Rowan, Ben Cohen Thu., Dec. 3

George Winston

Sun., Dec. 6

Rockin the Holidays with Felix Cavaliere’s Rascals Sun., Dec. 13

JD Souther

The Speedbumps

Fri., Dec 4

Sat., Dec. 5

Rumpke Mountain Boys

Woodchoppers Ball 2015

Fri, Dec. 11

Meet The Medium Stage Gallery Readings w/Laura Lyn Wed., Dec. 16

Sat, Dec. 12

The Kent Rap Show w/DWG, Itua Ikuenobe, Budders, Saint Dank, Young Fiend, A.I., Bschors Wed., Dec. 30

®

• UPCOMING SHOWS NEXT YEAR •

Ana Povopic Wed., Feb.10

Pure Prairie League Sun., Feb 14

David Cook Sat., Mar. 12

Tickets available at the kent stage box office bodega or online 175 East Main Street • Kent, Ohio 44240 • (339)677-5005 www.kentstage.org

SPONSORED BY magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 7

FRAMED!

our best shots from last week Photos by Emanuel Wallace, Jon Lichtenberg*, Joe Kleon**

Hashtag Selfie @ Hashtag Lunchbag

Random acts of kindness @ Hashtag Lunchbag

Wine is fine @ Winter Wine and Ale Fest

Cheers! @ Winter Wine and Ale Fest

Santa’s gotta drink, too @ Winter Wine and Ale Fest

Metal @ Dragonforce at the Agora*

He’s here! @ Winterfest

Cleveland’s Santa @ Winterfest

Corrosive @ Corrosion of Conformity at the Odeon**

Power to the people @ Carol and John’s Comic Book Shop

Spinnin’ @ Terry Urban’s RhythmLess

Critical mass @ Turkey Trot

Super runners @ Turkey Trot

Fowl play @ Turkey Trot

Beard game on point @ Hashtag Lunchbag

Never miss a beat!

See more pics @ clevescene.com Lovely site @ Winterfest

8

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

Share your best shots with SCENE – just tag or mention us! ™ @ clevescene t @ cleveland_scene ` @ ClevelandScene • #clevescene

TREE LIGHTING • BAR CRAWL • SHOPPING • BREAKFAST WITH SANTA LIVE NATIVITY • CRAFTS & FUN • 5K REINDEER RUN ICE SCULPTING • OUTRDOOR MARKET • LIVE REINDEER Looking to get in the holiday spirit? Look no further than the third annual Miracle on Erie Street, happening this weekend in historic downtown Willoughby. Kick-off the festivities on Friday with the Tree Lighting, followed by the Santa Bar Blast crawl, then we’ll see you back on Saturday for the much anticipated Reindeer Run 5K where you’ll find

dozens of locals dressed up in their holiday finest for this festive jog. Afterward, eat your way through a mountain of pancakes at Breakfast with Santa before knocking out that shopping list at the Winter Market. All this and more is expected this weekend at Miracle on Erie Street. Visit miracleoneriestreet.com for additional details.

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 9

BELINDA CARLISLE Tuesday, April 5 • 8PM

10

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

The 2015

Comedy Issue Dear reader, Can you even believe that it’s the holiday season already? It feels like just yesterday we were pulling lukewarm beers out of our backpack at Edgewater, and now we’re pulling swigs of whiskey from a flask at empty Browns Stadium. Oh how time flies!

The holiday season means a couple of things around these parts -every area mom stocking her fridge with Christmas Ale, visiting children remembering what a Christmas Ale hangover feels like, and emails to your humble local altweekly from local comedians that say things like (no lie): “This isn’t hilarious but it’s pretty good.” Yes, the holiday season means the arrival of the annual comedy issue, wherein we beg local standup comedians and assorted people of varying celebrity to pen a humorous piece to share with you.

We’ve got nine submissions to share with you in the following pages, and a bunch more you can find online. They tackle getting cat-called downtown, how to deal with Browns fans, how to train cats, interviews with the GOP presidential candidates and more, including a piece written by Ramon Rivas that examines the state of the comedy scene despite the fact that our one and only suggestion for contributions was that they not examine the state of the comedy scene. We love Ramon, and he makes delicious sandwiches for his rooftop shows, and we’ll just assume he was blazed off his Hispanic balls when he read our email, so we let it fly. Plus, it’s funny, and Ramon’s the expert in that area, not us.

So dig in and enjoy, but as you do remember that early bar set by one contributor: “Not hilarious but pretty good.”

Our sincere thanks to everyone who wrote something and our sincere thanks to all you lovely readers.

— Your pals at Scene

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 11

FEATURE On Sundays Our Men Drink and Weep: 6 Tips for Women Who Date Browns Fans

By Carey Callahan To be a woman raised on the lapping waters of Lake Erie is to be charged with a mysterious, sacred role. As mothers of this tribe we are placed at the crossroads of a tumultuous history, our inheritance the responsibilities of safeguarding fresh water for future generations, and nurturing children who must be strong, clever, and gentle enough to weather future coming storms. We must be rooted in daily lives that build networks of health, strength, and power, while creating space for visions of a better future.

All this, and the men we have available to get us pregnant are Browns fans.

I’m not suggesting that pool of men is unfit to be patriarchs for our tribe.

Ok, if I’m being real, I don’t think they have it together enough to do the patriarch thing, but they can be fathers, at least the ones who haven’t cooked their sperm away with laptop heat. To bright side the situation: What better way to train to weather the devastating disappointments of life than being emotionally engaged with the Cleveland Browns? These are men that can convince themselves to keep showing up with exceptionally diminished expectations of reward.

That’s resilience. Some people may call it foolishness. Potato, Pah-tah-to.

However you say it that’s mostly what they live on.

So in the gardens of our hearts we also nurture a pack of men who, on the Lord’s day, drape themselves in orange and brown, get drunk at sunrise, and are choked with anger by sunset.

We wake early Monday morning to the scents of the potatoes, cheddar, sour cream, and processed meat they consumed wafting under our blankets.

But us women are strong with love.

We’ve endured, and created nations, smelling so many worse things over the millennia. These are our men, and although it appears they are engaging in ritualized self-harm on a weekly basis, we can enable them right through it. It’s really so much better than a heroin or prostitute habit. Here are my tips for loving your Browns fan.

1) Don’t grill him about what he’s doing on his phone on Sundays. I know you have visions of the perky, wasted 22-year-olds on West 25th blowing his cell up. But I can assure you, those girls

12

have all lost their phones. What he’s doing is tweeting hateful things about Johnny Manziel. Then he’s retweeting the hateful things his friends have said about Johnny Manziel. He is also looking at Instagram photos of perky 22-year-olds in miniature Browns jerseys. That’s love he’s going to come home and try to give to you. So in the end you don’t need to be jealous but it is still your problem.

2) Budget for Uber. Men think they are terrific drivers, but insurance company rates say different. He will for sure think he’s sober enough to manage I-90 for a couple of exits, and he will for sure catch a DUI. Lakewood is not playing when it comes to “creating revenue,” and you need to not play about him controlling a vehicle.

Wake him at 5:30 on Sunday with a “Your Uber will be here at 6; there are tallboys in the fridge for breakfast.”

Congrats, you’re girlfriend of the year and you also have the house to yourself to spread out and fail at a bunch of Pinterest projects.

3) If you watch the game, don’t watch it with him. Go out with your girlfriends, do shots of fireball, get groped by strangers walking behind you at a fast clip and live it up! If you watch the game together he may, rather than directing his anger at a large organization beyond his control, direct it at you, the woman who lets him experience regular sex. If you insightfully describe that transfer-ofanger dynamic to him, in his already vulnerable and agitated state, he will crush a couple more Coors and slide into dejection. You don’t need to be the couple cry-fighting in front of the Old Angle. Put on your miniature Browns jersey, go out with the girls, and let him creep on you over Instagram.

4) Give him punishing, solitary physical labor late Sunday evening.

He will protest. He will say, “It’s dark, why do you need wood chopped now?

What is all that wood even doing in the apartment’s parking lot?” Smile, then shut and lock that door. Trauma lives in the body. He needs to physically work through the anger of watching that game and sweat out the sadness.

If you hear him cursing and crying, the process is working. When he’s tired and ready to come in, greet him with ibuprofen and a big glass of room temperature water. You may rightfully ask, “Isn’t giving my angry male loved one an axe sort of Shining-esque?”

Trust and believe, sister. If the building you live in wasn’t built on Indian burial ground you should be fine. So, yeah, that is something to double check if you live in Old Brooklyn.

5) Tune him out. He may try to explain to you the details of how the management of the Browns has failed

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

him. He may even speak to you in a manner that implies you are less intelligent for not engaging deeply in solving the mysteries of the team’s poor choices. Know that this derision comes from a place of fear. He is locked in obsessive thought about a sports game, and the way you use that same mental energy to think about your finances, career, and relationships is threatening to him. Look at the time he spends speaking to you about his Browns opinions as an opportunity to look out the window and connect visually with this beautiful planet. When he asks, “Are you even listening?” smile, kiss him on the cheek, and walk out of the room. Just as you would limit your engagement with a 3-year-old describing a movie, or a friend tripping on shrooms calling from a music festival, you can gracefully sidestep his bid for a Browns argument.

6) How should you manage the intense emotions the Browns game may bring up in you? Girl. We’re the gatekeepers of life, grow the heck up.

If you care so much about the Browns, why don’t you marry them? Or be a side-chick, whatever gets you that NFL money.

Why I Became a Comedian

By Chad Weaver

Hey Cleveland, The City That Always Sleeps, how’s it going? It’s me, Chad Weaver. You know, Chad Weaver?

I’m your boy Chad Weaver, A.K.A. Chaddy Daddy, A.K.A. Rad Beaver, A.K.A. The Kid from Akron, A.K.A. LeBron James. Anyway, you probably don’t know me but I’m Chad Weaver, I’m a 20-year-old comedian from Akron, and I’m writing this to tell you why I became a comedian.

People decide to pursue comedy for all kinds of reasons ranging from their friend telling them they should try stand-up or a lifetime of debilitating sadness only temporarily soothed by going on a stage and complaining to strangers about it. I was inspired to follow my dreams and become a stand-up comedian because of my father, who never gave up on himself or his family no matter how much adversity he faced, who never stuck no matter how many times he got thrown against the wall. You see, my father grew up in a time where he was discriminated against and treated as a second-class citizen just because he was different. Our entire family experienced prejudice and hatred, just because of the simple fact that my dad is spaghetti.

That’s when people usually get

confused and ask if my dad is really spaghetti. Well, confession time: My dad is actually three-quarters spaghetti, he’s quarter lasagna on his mother’s side but we don’t like to talk about that part of the family.

Even though my dad is spaghetti, that doesn’t make me different than any of you, I grew up just like any other kid.

My dad and I would toss around the old pigskin in the backyard, he’d take me to little league games and cheer me on, and if I misbehaved he’d give me a little tap on the head with one of his noodles. He was just a regular dad.

Or at least that’s what I thought until fourth grade when I got detention for answering “spaghetti” to the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Apparently my teacher thought it was a joke that I wanted to grow up to be like my dad.

From then on I began noticing that my father was treated differently than normal people. Whenever my father would take me out to do something fun like go to the zoo or a baseball game, people would look at him and say to me, “Are you going to finish eating that?” Even worse, when my father and I went out to dinner I would often go to the bathroom and come back to find that they put my dad in the trash! That was when we were lucky enough to even eat at a restaurant. Most restaurants wouldn’t let my dad inside because they said he was an “outside dish.”

I soon realized that people mistreated not just my dad, but all spaghetti. In my eighth grade language arts class we watched a movie that I’m sure you have all heard about or seen, called Lady and the Tramp. Sure, the kids in my class loved the movie with its entertaining love story about two dogs. But can you imagine how traumatizing it was for a child to watch a scene where a person like his father is thrown into an alley to be brutally torn apart by two animals just because of the texture of his sauce?

As I grew up and saw my dad ostracized I started to feel embarrassed by my father and even began to resent him. My social life as well as my grades in school suffered. My dad took notice, and one day sat me down to talk to me. He said, “Chad, you don’t have to love me, but whether you like it or not, you’re daddy’s little meatball, and you can try to hide it but that’s what you are and that’s all they’ll ever see you as. Just remember one thing Chad: They hate us, ‘cause they ain’t us.”

I realized he was right, and I turned myself around. I accepted myself and my father for who we were, took pride in my differences and used

Gift Ideas for the Ladies Of ALL Ages!

Pierced Earrings prices vary by earrings purchased

Princess Package- hair style, nails, mini mani & hair accessory for girls 4- 11 years old Hair accessories for all hair lengths and types.

OUR AUDIENCE.

ALL EYES ON YOU. ADVERTISE WITH SCENE 216-241-7550

OHIO CITY MERCHANTS

HOLIDAY Hop THURSDAY

December 3rd 5 PM - 10 PM

Ride Lolly the Trolley to Ohio City destinations for Holiday Shopping, Drinks, Food and Festivities!

Visit us on Facebook @ Ohio City Holiday Hop for more information!

Presented by: magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 13

FEATURE

How the GOP candidates will be spending their time in Cleveland during the Republican National Convention

By Adam Richard I’m going to walk into my hotel room alone, light a few candles, turn on some soft music, and then take off all of my clothes as I slowly submerge myself in a bathtub filled with Slyman’s corned beef. Once completely covered, I will not get out until my meat flaps become one with the beef and people start calling me Governor Slimey Slyman, King of the Beef that is Corned.

CHRIS CHRISTIE

DONALD TRUMP

I look forward to meeting all of the cats and avoiding human eye contact at all costs.

RAND PAUL I am going to string Dan Gilbert along at any chance I can get for as long as I can. Whenever Dan asks me to join him for dinner, I’ll say yes, but then cancel last minute by telling him I don’t feel well or that I am too tired. I will then immediately post pictures on social media of me having a great time with Jimmy Haslam and write captions like “there’s only one business man in this city that I want to hang out with!” I will do this until Dan Gilbert becomes a pile of emotional rubble and no longer asks to meet up. Then, on the last night of the convention, I will text Dan Gilbert at 2:30 in the morning and ask him to come to my hotel room.

I am going to go to the Happy Dog and order a basket of plain hot dogs. No toppings.

No buns. Just a basket full of those glistening, flesh colored pig links.

MIKE HUCKABEE

Ideally, I’ll see all the cultural hot spots in Cleveland. The museums, the concert halls, world class restaurants, and the like. But let’s not kid ourselves here, folks...I’ll probably just end up dressing like Ms Trunchbull from Matilda and threaten to throw everyone I see into the Chokey.

JEB BUSH

Gonna put the “sick!” in “Kasich” by longboarding down that gnarly hill in Little Italy after gettin’ a taste of that sweet, sweet Cleveland ‘tang, brah.

JOHN KASICH I am going to remind everyone that I am, in fact, not Hillary Clinton. I will say things that Clevelanders will connect to, like, “Hello, I am Carly Fiorina and not Hillary Clinton. I like your city and want to be your president. The only thing that I have in common with that She-Beast Hillary Clinton is that we both have vaginas. But know this, friend. Hillary’s vagina is a dark void filled with destruction, whereas my birthing hole is immaculate and shaped like the face of Ronald Reagan.”

CARLY FIORINA

Three things and three things only: Sell my teeth, sell my teeth, and sell my teeth.

TED CRUZ

When figuring out what to do in a new town, I like to turn to social media. I sent out a tweet asking “Hey #CLE! Where’s the best bar to get a drink in this town?” and the response made it overwhelmingly clear there is only one place I gotta be, and that place is Bounce Night Club.

MARCO RUBIO 14

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

Probably just staying the fuck away from the police.

BEN CARSON

Sit down with your guests.

ConďŹ dential help is available A through, no cost evaluation 10 weeks of counseling or plus medication 9 months of follow up assessments Up to $300 compensation

216-368-0338

Advertise with SCENE. Call 216-241-7550 for more information.

www.PTSDoptions.com

Log on to

clevescene.com/giveaways for your chance to win Tickets to see TSO at Quicken Loans Arena for the December 30 3:30 pm show Plus 1 Grand Prize Winner Will Also Receive 2 TSO 2015 Tour Jackets

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 15

FEATURE it as my motivation. After studying hard, I made it into college with a full ride. Not too bad for a son of a pasta.

The last thing for me to do was be true to myself and follow my dreams - that’s why I became a comedian – because my dad’s spaghetti, and your dad should be spaghetti too.

State of the Scene

by Ramon Rivas II Greetings, Cleveland. This is standup comedian and eminent Latino Ramon Rivas II. I’m writing you from New York City. I’ve been sleeping on couches and floors of friends and peers all of November because I was selected as one of COMEDY CENTRAL’S COMICS TO WATCH. By the time you read this, I’ll be back home living with my dad and working at the Improv with Deon Cole.

I’m also thrilled to say that comedy in back home in Cleveland has NEVER been more abundant. Hilarities and The Improv still maintain their status as nationally renowned clubs, while a crop of B/C-level rooms like Bonkerz + Club Velvet at the Rocksino continue to offer professional-level work to emerging locals and national acts of varying skills. Add in the Funny Stop down in Cuyahoga Falls, and you have a network of actual comedy clubs that rival some of the densest locations in the country. Expand your drive by a few hours, and you can be at nearly 100 comedy clubs playing to paying audiences.

It’s been great watching shows, comics, and satellite people (photographers like Rustin McCann, Laura Wimbles, Chelsea McKee) begin to pop up in the Cleveland comedy scene over the past few years. The emergence of accidentalcomedy.com helped develop comedic ambassadors like Jimmie Graham, Mary Santora, John Bruton and Brian Kenny as they produce live series around the city. Through those endeavors, they and others are able to perfect their skills and work toward becoming regulars at the plethora of comedy clubs in town.

A great “farm system” has developed for people to matriculate through on their way to becoming comedians.

From open mic Wednesdays at Lakewood Village Tavern, Monday showcases like Hilario at Barrio Lakewood, and Make Em Laugh Mondays at the Grog Shop, Modern Kicks, to Keep Talking-A StoryTelling Show at Happy Dog on Wednesdays,

16

there’s high quality spots to watch/ work on performing outside of the club system every night. With a vast number of open mics starting (and honestly, stopping), newer comics have an abundance of stage time that would be scarce or miserable in a bigger comedy scene. Open mics in CLE have audiences and generally a 5-8 minute time limit. NY mics are 2-3 minutes with 50+ comics slowly leaving after their sets.

There are more people trying comedy than any point before. This is a beautiful and horrible thing.

I love Cleveland. It’s an amazing city.

Yet, people constantly ask, “Cleveland, huh? What comics are from there?”

I rattle off some names; they don’t register any of them. We move on with our conversation or they blatantly walk away from me. Or I from them.

However, I’ve been able to grow and fail anonymously in this great town among a group of artists with their own distinct POVs that are on par with those I come across in my travels. No one knows them, but they’re my comedy family, and they’re dope.

People may never respect and revere Cleveland the way I do. That’s ok. If you take the time to experience a comedy show in the city and catch some of the homegrown talent, you’ll start to understand. If you become a regular, you’ll get invested in their growth and development over time. Then when they make a move and start getting noticed by people, you’ll feel a sense of pride similar to how you feel during a deep Cavaliers playoff run, or the moments of a Brown’s season when you trick yourself into thinking they have enough talent to contend.

The scene is in a good place. Years ago, I did a lot of comedy stuff on my own and felt that if I left, it may not continue. That’s equal parts vanity and fear on my end. Today, I’m proud to say that Cleveland comedy has grown to a place where it will not only sustain if I leave, it will flourish. My only fear is that I’ll miss when everyone hops on board to support Cleveland’s comedic arts with the same vigor that they have for our sports teams, makers marts, and craft breweries. All you need for a successful and emerging comedy scene are shows, audiences, and artists. All the ingredients are there. Just mix it up.

Teach Your Cat to Sit, Stay, and Fetch

By Jim Tews

You want to train your cat, don’t you? Of course. What good is a cat if it’s just living according to its own

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

wants and desires? Training your cat is not impossible! This guide will help you get started.

Author’s note: this article was originally titled “15 Things You Can Teach Your Cat To Do” but that’s twelve too many things to ask of a cat.

What you’ll need: Before you attempt to train your cat to act on your command, know that this requires an incredible amount of patience, empathy, and a willingness to accept the fact that you may never succeed.

Start by bringing something to the exchange, like a food item that your cat wants very badly. It should also be expensive and hard to find. Cats know when something is expensive and hard to find. Try a rare fish, or an overpriced artisanal treat made upstate in small batches.

Create the right environment: Find a clear area of your house or apartment that your cat is familiar with. Make sure shelves and walls are free of objects the cat may knock over, and get rid of anything you may throw in a moment of blinding frustration.

Keep the area free of anything that may draw your cat’s attention away from the task at hand. Get rid of anything that shines, blinks, or moves. For best results, find an empty, windowless room.

- Sit This trick is probably the easiest.

Start by standing in a neutral position and ignoring your cat. Pull out a treat, as though you have no intention of giving it away. After several minutes, she may become interested. When she approaches your feet, kneel down and show her the treat. Wait until she accidentally sits for several seconds and reward her with the treat. Good luck repeating this.

- Fetch Some cats do this naturally, but it’s kind of an anomaly. Get your cat’s attention with something crinkly or shiny, then throw it. But don’t throw it too far, she likely won’t even bother, but if she does, she certainly won’t want to put much effort in. If she brings it back, reward her with a treat.

If she doesn’t bring it back naturally, give up. You only get one life, and to spend more than ten minutes of it trying to teach a cat to fetch would be an incredible waste.

- Stay Many would consider this a near impossibility, but it’s just a matter of proper framing. Your cat will rarely come when you call it, so by default it is staying. Cats “stay” all the time.

You just have to reward them for it when they do. Wait until she is laying comfortably near you, say

“Stay” in a calm, confident tone.

Then walk to the opposite side of the room and wait a minute or two.

Then walk back and reward her with a treat. Keep doing this, increasing the length of time you are apart each time. Eventually, you can teach your cat to stay in the same spot for several hours. Let’s see a dog do that!

Your demeanor throughout this entire process is crucial. Remain calm and patient. Understand that you are not in a position of power. You are not the boss; your cat is in charge.

What you are doing is attempting to convince the cat that performing was their idea, and that you are the one they are training.

If you are trying to teach your cat to sit, she should feel like she’s trained you to give her a treat, and she’s commanding you to do so by sitting.

Hopefully, these tips have helped you out. Keep a camera running throughout this entire process, in case you actually succeed. Results are difficult to repeat and people tend to disbelieve you unless video proof exists. It’s important to remember that this is really a war of attrition, a contest of indifference, and your cat will always win.

Jim Tews is a comedian, writer, and creator of “Felines of New York” @jimtews/@felinesofny

Yes, I Moved to Cleveland and You Should Too

By Dana Norris Wait – you moved to Cleveland?

Six months ago my husband and I packed up our house, our son, our cat, our hopes, our dreams, and our 28 houseplants that would die outside somewhere on the Ohio Turnpike, and moved from Chicago to Cleveland.

When I told people in Chicago that I was moving to Cleveland I was asked the same questions over and over again: “What?”

“Why?” “Really?”

“For real for real?”

“No. But why?”

“That makes no sense. Do you know that makes no sense?”

In Chicago I produced a monthly storytelling show, Story Club, and my last Story Club Chicago show was basically a Cleveland roast, with various Chicago-based performers giving their overwhelmingly negative opinions on that other metropolis on that other lake.

And I understood their overwhelmingly negative reactions to my new home of choice because, before I first visited

216-371-8639 • Curious Goods • Items to Covet

Gold, Platinum, Vintage Sterling Jewelry (Georg Jensen, David Andersen, Enamel, Mexican...), Diamonds

Architectural Items & Furniture:

Vintage Men’s Watches- Wrist & Pocket, Cuff Links, Lamps, Weaponary, Statuary, Prints, Toys, Stained Glass Windows

Art Nouveau, Arts & Crafts, Art Deco, Mid-Century Modern, Industrial, Lighting, Barrister Bookcases, File Cabinets, Drafting Tables & Stools

3095 Mayfield Rd. at Lee Rd. Cleveland Hts.

3113 Mayfield Rd. at Lee Cleveland Hts.

Hours: 11-7 p.m Mon.- Sat. | Open Sundays thru January 1, 2016

December 3rd

Blues Night Live Music 8 pm – 11 pm

December 4th

Good Energy 9 pm – 1 am

December 5th

The Suede Brothers w/ Fever Child 8pm December 6th

Youth Gone Wild Teen Showcase CLEVELAND STRONGSVILLE 4264 Pearl Rd. 216.749.3440

EASTLAKE

32888 Vine St 440.942.8668

LORAIN

823 Broadway 440.242.4080

MANSFIELD

522 Park Ave West 419.522.1695

19097 Drake Rd. 440.572.8287

Hosted by School of Rock 4 pm – 8 pm

GIRARD

16 N. State St. 330.545.8131

December 7th

BARBERTON

Open Jam Night

536 W Tuscarawas 330.753.0500

AKRON

1004 Kenmore Blvd 330.753.3600

SEE OUR AD ON THE BACK INSIDE COVER

All Genres Welcome 8 pm – Midnight

food menu available

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 17

FEATURE Cleveland, here had been my thoughts on the city: • It is surrounded by a belt of rust that will cut you/stain your pants • Water there catches on fire • It smells bad (probably) • The sun doesn’t shine because all of the smoke from the constant water fires • LeBron James is a guy • If it was cool I would have heard more about it But then I met my husband, who’s from the area, and started visiting his parents for holidays. Last Christmas we were visiting and it was unseasonably warm (thanks global climate change deniers!) and I had eaten my body weight in chocolate and so was motivated to go out for one of only six runs I have gone on in my entire life.

I ran up and down country roads and I ran past a house for sale. It sat back from the road, on some property, and looked nice. In Chicago such a house would cost, minimum, $600,000 + your first born child + your soul + all of your future happiness + another $75,000.

When I got back to my in-laws’ I looked up the price of the house. It was a four bedroom, two bath, 1800 square feet, $135,000. That, to you, may seem like a reasonable home price.

To me, a resident of Chicago for 14 years, it seemed like a really mean joke.

There’s no way! No way that a home, with walls, and doors, and not ghosts and not black mold and not a situation where you live there with three other families, could actually cost an amount of money that I could reasonably pay.

No. Fucking. Way. But it was true. I spent the rest of Christmas looking at local homes online. My husband pointed out that my job back in Chicago had a branch out here and I could transfer. My young son could have in-town grandparents.

My husband could start up the business he’d been dreaming of for years. We could have a house. We could all, as a family, smell 82% less urine on a day-today basis.

So we moved. When I got here in June I was overwhelmed and excited and eager to blend in. I immediately had to stop driving as though I was in Chicago, which is where you sit in dead stop traffic for 45 minutes and then, when it finally opens up, actively try to murder people with your horn and your middle finger of rage. I tried to be less aggressive in general, more Midwest nice, and stop assuming that everyone else on the sidewalk is a robber or,

18

worse, a tourist. But it would come out that I was from Chicago – I’d give something away in my mannerisms or my inability to respond when some stranger said something nice to me.

“I’m from Chicago,” I’d say. “Oh,” they’d respond. “Chicago’s great! Why would you leave it and move here?”

People of Cleveland: This is an intervention. Come in here. It’s all people who love you. Sit down in this comfortable chair. Wrap this shawl around your shoulders. Take this mug of hot chocolate. And look me directly in my lovely blue eyes as I stare deeply back into yours and say: Your city is cool. OK? Your city is cool. In many ways, it’s better than Chicago. When your football team loses no one calls for the actual death of the quarterback.

Really, Cleveland doesn’t suck. At all.

You don’t have to apologize to people for living here. Like, it’s nice here. It’s clean. It smells good. There are pretty vistas and shit. When I go out to a bar and order the fanciest cocktail I can think of, it arrives promptly and is well-made and costs less than $10.

A single digit cocktail! That shit is amazing! And no one in the bar tries to fight me while I’m drinking it! The people here are nice, not Midwesternnice like those turds up in Minnesota, but nice-nice. You are approachable. You are affordable. You are a city where an artist can come and do their art and live in a house that isn’t also overrun with rats, unless rats are integral to your art, in which case, you do you.

Cool people are doing cool shit here.

There’s a thriving food scene and a thriving comedy scene and a thriving theater scene and a thriving music scene and a thriving storytelling scene.

Don’t be down on yourselves. Yes, the city is small, and yes, Tremont and Ohio City are the same fucking place even though you insist on pretending that they’re different, and yes, much of your lakefront is off limits because you have to mine it for steel or whatever the fuck all those cranes do. But it’s nice here. I like it here. I’m happy here. So stop asking me why on earth I left Chicago for Cleveland. Believe in yourself. And next time you see me, say, “Fuck yeah you’re here.”

I’m Just Trying to Get to Work—Stop Looking at My Butt and Asking for Spare Change: Sexual Harassment Tips for Your Everyday Life

By Sarah Vulpio

Cleveland, Ohio: land of the Cavaliers, comedy, rock-n-roll, and

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

Gen-tee-fication

By Marissa DeSantis and James Catullo

A recent study by Destination Cleveland shows that nearly 80 percent of the city’s economy comes from the Cleveland-themed novelty T-shirt industry.

The study shows it’s local T-shirt shops—CLE Clothing Co., Fresh Brewed Tees, GV Artwork, Big Fun, The Social Dept., Homage, This Is Our Year, Cleveland Pride Company, Only in Clev, that shady Cleveland tourist shop at Tower City, and the bootleg vendors outside of the Q—and not solely the return of King James that’s responsible for Cleveland’s sudden resurgence.

Regional sports fan Dave Edwards explains his attraction to Clevelandinspired designs. “I definitely feel like if we couldn’t walk around letting people know we’re from Cleveland, that maybe The New York Post wouldn’t know that Cleveland’s the new Brooklyn. They’d be like, ‘Where are we? Is this Pittsburgh? I can’t tell because nobody’s wearing the local area code on their snapback.’ And then they’d call Pittsburgh the new Brooklyn by mistake, and you know, as my shirt says, Puck Fittsburgh.”

This pie chart demonstrates regional-inspired novelty T-shirt shops’ contributions to the local economy.

80% 6% 5% 3%

Novelty T-Shirt Corned Beef LeBron James Door-to-Door Leaf Raking

2% Republican National Convention 2% Manufacturing Outrage 1% Manufacturing 1% Tech

Economists have coined a new term, “gen-tee-fication” to describe the effect a brick-and-mortar Cleveland T-shirt shop has on an up-and-coming neighborhood. Longtime AsiaTown resident Sam Ford sees it as a positive.

“I’ve lived here for a long time with my family but I never felt a sense of community here until I saw a bunch of kids walking around wearing $32 unlicensed shirts that say “sportsball” in local team colors. That’s when I knew we made it as a neighborhood. We even have a new name, Bracket Town.

You know, something less…ethnic.” He pauses, “And, hey, we even have a kombucha shop now.”

It’s yet to be seen how many Cleveland-themed T-shirt shops this city can support. Chloe Beckerman, owner of Edgewater Clothing Co. doesn’t seem phased. “They say the bubble’s gonna burst, but I just can’t see that happening.

I mean, Cleveland’s got so much unmined history and cultural heritage that people are just dying to celebrate. Did you know we had a mayor whose hair caught on fire? We’re gonna sell raglans with his silhouette on it in five colorways.”

International CIA student Bjorn Sklaar is new to the country, but that’s not stopping him from getting in on the action. “I’ve made a Kickstarter to fund a T-shirt and tote bag set with a minimalist interpretation of a very sad American Cleveland.com comment section. I just need $75,000 to make my dream come true. Oh, and to erase my student debt.” The shirts themselves, printed on Hanes 50/50 tees, will cost just $4 each to produce. “I have a free trial version of Photoshop,” he adds.

Economists see no end in sight for the T-shirt economy growth. “By 2020, local-themed T-shirt sales may make up almost 90 percent of the local economy,” says Brian Graham, fellow at the Daffy Dan institute.

“Statistically speaking every man, woman, and child in Cleveland will own at least one T-shirt company in their lifetime. Maybe they’ll make a design based on, I don’t know, the Port of Cleveland or Burke Lakefront Airport. No one’s done those yet… right?”

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 19

FEATURE high poverty rate. Maybe I should have ended on something happier. Uh, Melt Bar and Grilled. There, that’s better.

I love Cleveland. I was born and raised here. (OK, I was born and raised in the suburbs, but who’s counting?) Cleveland is the place that has given me so much opportunity for comedy and minimum-wage jobs (don’t be fooled; the two do not go hand-inhand). However, I do have a bone(r) or two to pick with this great city.

As a woman of great stature and well-developed breasts, I have had my fair share of catcalling and sexual harassment while strolling along East 4th Street on my way to work or sporting events and concerts at the Q. “But it’s a compliment!” “You were asking for it!” “Can you spare a dollar?”

Yes, all good arguments, but the truth of the matter is, I should be able to walk to work without drawing unwanted male—or female (#LoveWins)—attention. I already get enough of that attention from my uncle.

Oops, that was supposed to be a secret.

Anyway.

For those of you who face the daily dread of walking the streets of Downtown Cleveland — or the suburbs: Harassment knows no bounds—let me be your mentor, your spirit guide, your Mr. Miyagi, and teach you how to thwart that ass-grabbing attention once and for all.

Let’s start with something easy and work our way up.

If he’s eyeing you up, don’t look away. That shows weakness.

Remember, the eyes are the window to the soul. You want to show him you have no soul. Instead of turning the other cheek and walking away, walk right over to him, plant your feet shoulder-length apart, place your hands on your stomach and say, “You’re scaring the baby.”

Nailed it.

Remember, pregnant women are disgusting and a disgrace to society.

You’ll have this guy running for the hills faster than the Von Trapps in that one movie where everyone is singing with the sound of music.

If he asks how you’re doing, followed by a wink and an aggressive grab of his Johnson, solemnly tell him about your mother’s passing, and how things haven’t been the same since she died ten years ago.

If he offers an “Aw, I’m sorry.

Maybe I could cheer you up,” tell him in full detail how you killed your mother. Don’t leave anything out; the more gruesome, the better. I’ve found

20

that a good poisoning story works best. As he stares at you in sheer horror, offer him the Snickers bar you had been saving for later, but make sure a piece of the wrapper has been torn, just to keep him on his toes.

If he’s into the whole Murderous Mary thing, it looks like you have the next idea for a Lifetime screenplay.

Congratulations. I’ll be expecting my royalty check in the mail.

If he goes in for a slap and/or a squeeze, do not fight back. Remember, assault charges exist. Instead, drop to the ground and begin to seize.

You don’t have epilepsy, you say? No problem; that’s what acting is for! The perpetrator will be alarmed at your poor state of health and will not dare touch you again for fear of paying your medical bills! After all, he doesn’t have insurance. Nobody does—this is Cleveland!

After he has fled the scene, count to 20 before getting up. Not only will that ensure the perpetrator is gone for good, but you may even get a free ride to work from the ambulance a kind passerby called for you as you lie shaking in the street!

Nice work!

Are you ready for the final test?

This is a hard one—pun intended.

If he has an erection and is stroking it for your viewing pleasure, as before, keep eye contact. Do not look down; do not flee in terror. This time, however, instead of walking towards the man, walk backwards, keeping full eye contact the entire time. Keep walking until you’re in the middle of the street and get hit by a bus.

If you died instantly, I am sorry.

And I hold no responsibility for your death (although I am open to accepting any gifts or large sums of money not yet assigned in your will).

If you did not die and are currently hospitalized with several broken bones, ribs, and missing teeth, I have both good and bad news for you. The bad news is, unfortunately, you did not win the sexual harassment case you were planning on to pay for that trip for two to Greece. The good news is, the sweet man from earlier stopped by to pay you a visit! He even brought you flowers! And left something special for you on your phone: a dick pic. Keep that one close; you might not get another chance now that your appearance has been shattered from the accident.

But keep your chin up. Even with busted and broken teeth, some nice man will make sure he tells you to smile.

If you take my advice, you’ll have no problem getting through the commute to work without

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

any distracting or embarrassing encounters from sleazy men. And just think, you get to do this all again tomorrow!

Sarah Vulpio apologizes to her parents who are most likely going to read this.

Fangirl

By Kali Fencl I didn’t know a lot about the Cleveland Cavaliers before this year. If I tried to Google the word “Cavalier” I would get distracted by all the pictures of King Charles Cavalier Spaniels.

Prior to binge-watching the playoffs and Finals, all I knew was LeBron was a big deal. I kept hearing the name Kyrie Irving, but until 2015 I thought Kyrie Irving was some sort of pop star, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you what her song was.

Sports were never on my radar.

I thought basketball was the literal interpretation of someone saying “Jump!” and the athletes respond “How high?” The answer is always “Real high.”

I heard while LeBron was gone, the team, for lack of a better word, sucked. I guess it had been dark times.

How could it not have been? He broke up with us on television. And we only now have the ability to hide ex’s on Facebook.

He came back (they always do) with the appropriate pomp and circumstance. Then I got the opportunity to go to a playoff game (the one prior to Kevin Love getting injured by, I think, Larissa Oleynik, star of The Babysitter’s Club and The Secret Life of Alex Mack). I went because the tickets were free and it was something to do. Otherwise I would have been home re-watching Gilmore Girls, parsing it for meaning.

But it was AMAZING. There was fire. There were 4X T-shirts which make great sleep and/or painting shirts. My boyfriend put me in charge of waving around the foam glow-stick.

And I was released from using my indoor voice. Oh yeah, and we won the game. From then on I was a fan.

I don’t consider myself a fair-weather fan; I just have good timing. I’m like an absentee father only emerging when things are going really well.

Coming in late, I didn’t (and still don’t) know the stats of all the players. I know Mark Price was really good and my brother still has a little figurine of him that he uses as a sort of talisman during the games, but other than that, I can’t tell you who’s good at what. Obviously, they’re all

phenomenal, whether you agree with it or not, because they made it to the NBA. As it turns out, Mark Price is long-retired, so I’ve just been picking my favorite players on the grounds of how nice I think they are as people.

Like how I think Matthew Dellavedova wouldn’t give me any shit about picking my mom up from the airport.

Or how James Jones might be really into what I have saved in my Netflix queue.

Or how Timofey Mozgov would nod politely while I spew all my office gossip that he doesn’t understand.

And J.R. Smith? Well, I think J.R. Smith would at least call me a cab home.

The best part is, unlike movie celebrities, these guys are actually accessible. I’ve had at least three friends post pictures with Mozgov, so it’s safe to assume he’s becoming the Kevin Bacon of the Cavs. I think if you walk around Sam’s Club long enough, you’ll encounter Tristan Thompson.

And you’d think an Iman Shumpert sighting should be easy enough with that hair, but we don’t run in the same rap circles.

As I go to more games, I see they do fun stuff like Throwback Night, much like the themed frat parties from college. Will there be a Pirates and Wenches Night soon? Anything But Clothes Night? Toga Night? At least with the Toga Night, LeBron wouldn’t have to put up with sleeves. I am a little bummed at the recent Throwback Night they didn’t wear the super short shorts. But I guess I already saw LeBron’s junk during the finals, which surpasses seeing the outline.

During the summer I started to get antsy because I wanted all the same people to come back in the fall so I wouldn’t have to learn any new names.

Tristan Thompson was holding out for more money and I was thinking, “Why Tristan? You’re saving big at Sam’s Club, you don’t need ALL the money!”

We ended up getting all our guys back and added a few new ones. We got another Russian guy so Mozgov could have a buddy.

Becoming a Cavs fan has been an adventure. I’m making new friends at bars and learning new terms like “double technical foul” or as I like to call it, “double secret probation technical foul.” Things are looking good so far this season. I have a newfound love, and now that it’s getting colder, all those tiny cuts on my hands from the winter air will bleed wine and gold.

scene@clevescene.com t @cleveland_scene

RENTAL – NEAR THE LAKE

3 BDR, 1.5 BA in lake front community

$1,000/mo unfurnished or $1,250/mo furnished

private beach club with lake access

Lenny Vaccaro Howard Hanna 440.951.4445 vaccaroteam.com

Find your happy hour.

Download SCENE’s official happy hour app! clevescene.com/happyhours

LORAIN COUNTY METRO PARKS & TRUENORTH CULTURAL ARTS PRESENT:

IRVING BERLIN’S

WHITE CHRISTMAS THE MUSICAL

MUSIC & LYRICS BY IRVING BERLIN | BOOK BY DAVID IVES AND PAUL BLAKE BASED UPON THE PARAMOUNT PICTURES FILM WRITTEN FOR THE SCREEN BY NORMAN KRASNA, NORMAN PANAMA AND MELVIN FRANK

SEPTEMBER 25 - OCTOBER DECEMBER 4 -420 FRIDAYS SATURDAYS FRIDAYS & & SATURDAYS AT AT7:30 7 PM PMAND AND SUNDAYS SUNDAYSAT AT33 PM PM

Relaxation limited cleveland

(216)671-3813 3834 W. 140 sT. cleveland, oH 44111

HoURs:

mon ~ Fri : 12Pm ~ 10 Pm | sat : 12 Pm ~ 8 Pm sun 1pm - 7pm

Relaxation limited II cuyahoga Falls

(330)217-1548 526 Graham Rd., Unit 1a, cuyahoga Falls, oH 44221

HoURs:

mon ~ Fri: 1 Pm ~ 9 Pm | sat: 12 Pm ~ 6 Pm

TICKETS:$10 $10--$18 $15 TICKETS: (440)949-5200 949-5200OR OR (440) WWW.TNCARTS.ORG WWW.TNCARTS.ORG

Let it snow..

The TrueNorth Big Band has the holiday music to warm your soul.

Big Band Holiday Concert Wednesday, Dec. 8th at 8:00pm

Bop Stop at the Music Settlement 2920 Detroit Ave. Cleveland 44113 Tickets $10 at the door

Sinatra’s 100th Birthday Saturday, Dec. 12th at 7:30pm

Trinity Hall at John Knox Presbyterian Church 25200 Lorain Rd. North Olmsted 44070 Tickets $15 Adults $10 Youth

• Walk-Ins Welcome • Relaxation has never been better! low rates, great friendly staff.

For tickets to all concerts and events call the Box Office at (440) 949-5200 Ext. 221 or visit www.TNCArts.org.

TrueNorth Cultural Arts is in partnership with Lorain County Metroparks

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 21

22

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

everything you should do this week

GET OUT

Photos by Emanuel Wallace

WED

12/2

MUSIC

Christmas is Here The Croatian Radio Television Tamburitza Orchestra and the Croatian Navy choral group “Klapa Sv. Juraj” will perform a special Christmas concert today at the Hanna Theatre. The repertoire for the show, dubbed Christmas Is Here, will include centuries-old traditional Croatian folk songs as well as the usual holiday fare. The concert begins at 7:30 p.m. Tickets are $45 to $65. (Jeff Niesel) 2067 East 14th St., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.

MUSIC

CIM/CWRU Joint Music Program This monthly concert series places young musicians from the Cleveland Institute of Music and Case Western Reserve University in the galleries at the Cleveland Museum of Art. Now in its fifth season, the series features “mixed programs of chamber music” for “a unique and intimate experience.” The concerts begin at 6 p.m. and they last for about an hour. Admission is free. (Niesel) 11150 East Blvd., 216-421-7350, clevelandart.org.

LECTURE

The Cleveland Nazis A Cleveland native, Michael Cikraji spent about 15 years working on a book about Cleveland Nazis while pursuing a master’s degree in American history at Cleveland State University. Today at 7 p.m. at the Maltz Museum, he’ll read from the resulting book, The History of the Cleveland Nazis: 1933-1945. Dr. Sean Martin from the Western Reserve Historical Society will lead the discussion.

Tickets are $12, $6 for Maltz Museum members. (Niesel) 2929 Richmond Rd., Beachwood, 216-593-0575, maltzmuseum.org.

The annual CircleFest returns to University Circle. See: Sunday.

chance to grab a drink and a dog while listening to some of your Cleveland neighbors amuse you with their tales. Tonight’s edition starts at 8 and costs $5. (Patrick Stoops) 5801 Detroit Ave., 216-651-9474, happydogcleveland.com.

FILM

Reel Science Cleveland Cinemas and the Cleveland Museum of Natural History have partnered to present Reel Science, a series of films.

The program involves exploring the facts and fictions in each film. An expert from CMNH will introduce the film and then lead a post-film discussion. Tonight’s feature, Steven Spielberg’s Raiders of the Lost Ark, introduced the fictional archaeologist, Indiana Jones. Dr. Brian Redmond, Curator and John Otis Hower Chair of Archaeology will lead the discussion. General admission to each film is $7.50. CMNH and Marquee Rewards members can purchase a discounted admission at the box office for just $5. A portion of each admission benefits the Cleveland Museum of Natural History.

(Niesel) 1390 West 65th St., 216-651-7295, clevelandcinemas.com.

SPOKEN WORD

Keep Talking Keep Talking is an exciting storytellers program where locals can share their real-life experiences on a theme. This month’s theme is still to be determined. Stories range from the insightful and sad to the funny and bizarre. Held in the Happy Dog’s basement, the Underdog, the series is your

THUR 12/3

Craig Werner and Doug Bradley, authors of We Gotta Get Out of This Place: The Soundtrack to the Vietnam War, a book that “casts a new and unique light on the music of the 1960s, emphasizing the way that actual listeners embedded music in the fabric of their daily lives, and the way that music helps heal psychic wounds,” will be on hand to talk about their book and field questions. The event is free with RSVP on the Rock Hall website. (Niesel) 1100 Rock and Roll Blvd., 216515-8444, rockhall.com.

COMEDY

Jay Black A former high school teacher who’s become a hit with the college kids, comedian Jay Black likes to make jokes about teaching. He started teaching when he was only 21. “I didn’t know anything,” he says in one bit, adding that he was often too hungover to properly deal with students’ problems and issues. In 2015, Black will star along with Scott Wolf in Meet My Valentine, a movie for which he wrote the screenplay along with co-writer Brian Herzlinger. He performs tonight at 8 at Hilarities and has shows scheduled through Sunday.

Tickets are $23 to $28. (Niesel) 2035 East Fourth St., 216-2417425, pickwickandfrolic.com.

MUSIC

MUSIC

Author Series The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum regularly hosts a special author series in which writers come to discuss their most recent publications. Tonight at 7,

Cleveland Storytelling Workshop Do Ho Suh’s current exhibition at MOCA Cleveland explores themes of home, identity and migration.

Inspired by Suh’s work, MOCA Cleveland hosts a Told Cleveland

Storytelling Workshop at 7 tonight. Participants will work with trained writers to create story concepts connected to themes of movement, transience and relocation. The workshop will instruct how to use narrative storytelling to connect, educate and inspire, as well as introduce approaches to performing stories aloud. Attendees are encouraged to attend next week’s Told Cleveland: Migration event where they will be invited to read their prepared story. Admission for each event is $9.50 and includes museum admission.

(Josh Usmani) 11400 Euclid Ave., 216-421-8671, mocacleveland.org.

COMEDY

Deon Cole Deon Cole is from the south side of Chicago and he tells it like it is.

A regular on Conan, he created Black Box, which aired for a short time on TBS. His roots are pretty humble: A friend bet him $50 that he was too chicken to get up on stage at a club one night, and the rest is history. He talks about racial issues in a charismatic way, often taking a unique and fresh perspective on issues that have been talked about so many times before. His humor is a little reminiscent of Chris Rock; he often takes on social issues most would rather pretend don’t exist and then throws storylines from them in your face. He performs tonight at 6 at the Improv. Tickets are $20. (Liz Trenholme) 1148 Main Ave., 216-696-IMPROV, clevelandimprov.com.

FILM

My First Miracle Written and directed by Rudy Luna (Stolen Education, PrimeMates), My First Miracle centers on Angelica, a 17-year-old girl battling a rare form of cancer only found in multiracial people, Myelodyplastic Syndrome (MDS).

She falls for a homeless boy running from his troubled past. The movie stars Quinton Aaron (The Blind Side, Be Kind Rewind), Sean Patrick Flannery (The Boondock Saints, Suicide Kings), Valerie Cruz (Showtime’s Homeland, Dexter), Matthew Rauch (Cinemax’s Banshee, No Reservations) and Jason London (Dazed and Confused, Out Cold). Produced by former Cleveland Indians centerfielder

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 23

GET OUT Kenny Lofton’s FilmPool, Inc., the film screens tonight at 7 at Atlas Cinemas Lakeshore 7 Cinemas in Euclid. Tickets are $15; a portion of the proceeds will benefit MetroHealth’s Cancer Care Family Community Room. (Niesel) 22624 Lake Shore Boulevard, Euclid, (216)731-1700.

tion of Kamm’s Corners and West Park. (Niesel) 19201 Puritas Ave., 216-267-5350.

FRI

12/4

NIGHTLIFE

Light Up Lakewood Light Up Lakewood returns for its seventh year today, providing Clevelanders plenty of holiday

15,000 people, so visitors this year can expect a flurry of faces along Detroit Avenue, along with food vendors, live music, and holiday kitsch galore. Grab some hot chocolate and food from a local food stand and watch the Holiday Parade at 5 p.m. The parade will be followed by a Lighting Ceremony at 6:30 p.m. in front of Lakewood Hospital and a fireworks show to finish off the night. Light

COMEDY

Jay Stevens “Laughter is a healing medicine,” says comic Shawn D. Stevenson (aka Jay Stevens), a native Clevelander. Originally, Stevens didn’t intend to pursue a career in comedy. But after he had a religious awakening nearly 20 years ago, he felt the need to share his gift with others to help them relieve their stress and possibly heal them with laughter. A clean comic, Stevens performs in both comedy clubs and churches. He performs tonight at 7:30 at the Improv. Performances continue through Sunday. Tickets are $12.

(Lisa Hammond) 1148 Main Ave., 216-696-IMPROV, clevelandimprov.com.

West Coast Wine Dinner Glenn Dorflinger of Tramonte and Sons hosts tonight’s West Coast Wine Dinner at Rusty Anchor, the restaurant located at Music Box Supper Club. The menu includes items such as pan-seared sea scallop with short rib and roasted beef tenderloin. Chef Dennis Devies is behind the courses and wine sommelier Krystal Kovacik has picked the wines to go with the meal. The event starts at 7:30 p.m. and tickets are $80. (Niesel) 1148 Main Ave., 216-242-1250, musicboxcle.com.

Now Through Sunday Only! www.wizardofozthemusical.com

December 1-6

NIGHTLIFE

24

NIGHTLIFE

MIX: Dream The Cleveland Museum of Art’s first Friday MIX Happy Hours take place on the first Friday of the month, and this month’s theme is Dream. There will be a cash bar. Food will be available for purchase in the museum’s restaurant and café. The event takes place from 5 to 10 p.m. Tickets are $18, free for CMA members.

(Niesel) 11150 East Blvd., 216-421-7350, clevelandart.org.

ART

NIGHTLIFE

Wine in the Holidays Once a year, the folks who work to develop Kamm’s Corners and West Park host Wine in the Holidays, a festive fundraising evening of food and music “under glass,” with heavy hors d’oeuvres and free raffle prizes at the Puritas Nursery in West Park. Adult beverages will be served and you can watch model trains travel through the nursery’s live greenery. The event starts at 6 p.m. and tickets are $45. Proceeds will be used to continue the revitaliza-

two for you to check off your list.

(Xan Schwartz)

Call 216-241-6000 Group Sales 216-640-8600 playhousesquare.org

nostalgia to get them in the mood for the season. The event, presented by LakewoodAlive, will offer holiday activities at organizations and businesses all along Detroit Avenue, as well as an outdoor festival beginning at 4 p.m. Last year, the event drew an estimated

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

Up Lakewood will have no shortage of winter wonders: huskies, carolers, pictures with Santa (we hope ironic adult photos are allowed), shopping, ice carving, and holiday treats. The Vendor Village inside the historic Masonic Hall should definitely have a gift or

Cleveland Print Room Showcase In celebration of its members, the Cleveland Print Room hosts an opening reception from 5 to 9 p.m. today for Off the Wall, its 2015 Members Showcase. The exhibition’s title refers to how artwork is sold at this cash-andcarry event. This free, non-juried exhibition showcases an eclectic variety of photography by the organization’s member artists.

Hung salon style, with work filling the gallery walls, the exhibition showcases a diverse range of styles and techniques, including 35mm, pinhole, photogravure, salt-print techniques, Cyanotype, 19th century collodion, alternative process work and much more.

Off the Wall remains on view through Dec. 18. The exhibition will be open during the ArtCraft Holiday Sale tomorrow and Sunday. Free. (Usmani) 2550 Superior Ave., 216-4015981, clevelandprintroom.com.

NIGHTLIFE

Zygote Press Holiday Show Don’t forget about Zygote Press this holiday season. They’ll be hosting sales this weekend at both their locations. Their main East 30th location presents its Off the Wall Holiday Show from noon to 4 p.m. today and from noon to 6 p.m. tomorrow with a reception from 1 to 3 p.m. tomorrow. The sale includes framed and nonframed prints, t-shirts, greeting cards, calendars and more by Zygote’s staff, interns, renters and members, as well as gift certificates, memberships and classes at Zygote Press. The sale continues through Dec. 23. Zygote’s INK House continues the festivities Friday evening with a Walk All Over Waterloo Holiday Sale from

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 25

6 to 8 p.m. Guests can make their own holiday card at the DIY printing station, enjoy a cup of hot cider and view the new editions being printed at INK House. Free.

(Usmani) 1410 E. 30th St., 216-621-2900, www.zygotepress.com.

dozen local artists. Most events take place from 6 to 9 p.m. today (individual gallery hours may vary). Free. (Usmani) waterlooarts.org

art

comedy

Open Studios Event With this year’s Last Minute Market moving to The Galleria later this month (Saturday, Dec. 19 from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.), the Screw Factory Artists of Lakewood’s Lake Erie Building present a special December Holiday Open Studios Event from 6 to 10 p.m. today. In addition to dozens of resident artists, roughly another dozen visiting artists and businesses will be on hand to fill all your gift-giving needs. Free.

(Usmani) 13000 Athens Ave., Lakewood, screwfactoryartists.com.

ArtCraft Open Studio Sale The 28th Annual ArtCraft Open Studio Sale includes 20 resident artists and 30 invited artists and artisans from throughout the region working in fine arts and crafts. The sale takes place from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. this Saturday, Dec. 5, and 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Sunday, Dec. 6, on the building’s 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th and 6th floors.

The event began in 1981 as The Bohemian Department Store in the nearby Tower Press Building, before transitioning into the Eat at Art’s exhibition at SPACES. Always held on the first weekend in December, the ArtCraft Building has hosted the event for the past 25 years. Free. (Usmani) 2570 Superior Ave., artcraftstudio.wordpress.com.

comedy

Mike Polk, Jr.’s Baselessly Arrogant Album Release Party If you’ve seen local comedian Mike Polk Jr., the man behind the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video, the Factory of Sadness video (parts one and two), Last Call Cleveland comedy troupe and his very own show on Fox 8 (aptly called the Mike Polk Jr. Show), perform live, you know he really thrives on having an audience at his disposal. Tonight at 8 at the Agora Theatre, he hosts a release party for his new album, Baselessly Arrogant. Tickets start at $18. (Niesel) 5000 Euclid Ave., (216) 881-2221.

26

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

SAT

12/5

shopping

Cleveland Bazaar on Conventry Billed as Northeast Ohio’s longest running handmade show, Bazaar on Coventry comes to the Grog Shop today from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m.

Some 70 local local artisans and Coventry merchants will be on hand for the event, which promises to provide some terrific holiday shopping opportunities. It’s free.

(Niesel) 2785 Euclid Hts. Blvd., 216-3215588, grogshop.gs.

art

Family Fun

Walk All Over Waterloo In addition to Waterloo Arts’ DayGlo 4 (see this week’s Arts Lead), December’s Walk All Over Waterloo includes a number of opening receptions for new exhibitions.

Praxis Fiber Workshop presents Rust Never Sleeps, a cross-disciplinary show featuring textiles by 13 local artists and garments by Krista Tomorowitz. Meanwhile, Loren Naji’s Satellite Gallery presents its latest round of installations by seven local artists. If you’re looking to do some holiday shopping, stop by the Native Cleveland Annex for the Cozy Up! Collective’s Show Five: The Golden One Year Anniversary Spectacular. Keep shopping at Article during their Genuine Article Holiday Art Sale, featuring artwork by a

Holiday Carriage Rides Beginning today and continuing through Sunday, Jan. 3, Cleveland Culture Gardens will host Holiday Carriage Rides on Saturdays and Sundays from noon to 8 p.m.

The Holiday Carriage Rides are designed to create “memorable, special moments with family and friends.” Guests will wait before the ride at a fireplace and then receive hot chocolate and hot cider to drink as a carriage takes them through the gardens and fields.

Sponsored by the Cleveland World Festival, Famicos Foundation and Shamrock Carriages, the Holiday Carriage Rides celebrate the Cleveland Cultural Gardens Centennial.

A special kickoff event today from noon to 2 p.m. will feature free hot chocolate and snacks and the

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 27

GET OUT chance to roast marshmallows in the fireplace. The Holiday Carriage Rides leave from the Upper Italian Garden (990 East Blvd.)

The cost of each ride, which accommodates up to five persons, is $25 or $50, depending on the length of the route. A percentage of the proceeds goes to the Famicos One World Theatre Camp, which takes place during the summer at Michael R. White School in Cleveland. For further information, call 216-791-6476 ext. 269 or go to the website., clevelandworldfestival.com/carriage-rides/. Saturdays. Continues through Jan. 2. (Niesel) 990 East Boulevard, Cleveland, Ohio, 216-264-6998.

magical things begin to happen.

Today’s performance takes place at 2 and 7 p.m. at the Akron Civic Theatre. Tomorrow’s performance takes places at 2 p.m. Tickets are $34 to $46. (Niesel) 182 South Main St., Akron, 330253-2488, akroncivic.com.

films, the Cleveland Institute of Art Cinematheque pays tribute to the auteur this month in a series dubbed With Portraits Along the Road. The series continues tonight with Paris, Texas, a drama about an amnesiac (Harry Dean Stanton) who attempts to recon-

#SonicSesh

SHOPPING

Holiday Sale and Open House Superior Hot Glass hosts its 3rd Annual Holiday Sale and Open House this weekend. The event takes place today from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. and tomorrow from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. The sale includes fine art, glass, ceramics, photography, prints, textiles and jewelry by more than 10 local artists and artisans. Explore the studio, and learn more about the process during glass demonstrations throughout the weekend. Free.

(Usmani) 1588 E. 40th St., 216-431-2569, superiorhotglass.com.

THURSDAY JAN. 28, 2016

7 PM Doors 8 PM Show

MUSIC

The North Coast Men’s Chorus The North Coast Men’s Chorus returns to the Hanna Theatre this weekend with Unwrapped, its “multifaceted holiday concert.” They’ve promised that the stage show will feature “ribbon, tinsel and holiday cheer” as they perform the holiday hits while decked out in crazy costumes. The concert takes place at 3 and 8 p.m. today and at 3 p.m. tomorrow.

Tickets are $15 to $45. (Niesel) 2067 East 14th St., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.

DANCE

The Nutcracker In the past, Akron Beacon Journal readers have voted the Ballet Theatre of Ohio’s production of The Nutcracker as Akron’s No. 1 holiday show. Set on Christmas Eve, the ballet, as you know, centers on a young heroine and her doll.

As the clock strikes midnight,

28

with

TICKETS: $ 5.50 (including fees)

On sale now at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame box office, or online at rockhall.com 1100 Rock and Roll Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44114

the occasion, Prosperity Social Club will toast the end of that “noble experiment” with a Prohibition Repeal Party that takes place tonight from 8 to 11. The event includes era-inspired cuisine and live music courtesy of local hero Hollywood Slim. The special drink menu include a French 75 (made with Cognac instead of the traditional gin) and a special, highflying Gatsby Punch are on the drink menu too. If you whisper the speakeasy code word “gigglejuice” to your server, you can order a $6 champagne cocktail or a Gin Rickey, a drink that was a favorite of writer F. Scott Fitzgerald. Special food items include old school platters like the Fried White-Bread Bologna Sandwich with Homemade Chips and City Chicken, Mashed Potatoes and Braised Red Cabbage. There’s no cover but patrons are encouraged to don 1930s attire reminiscent of “bootleggers, rumrunners, mobsters, teetotalers, WPA artists, crooners or movie stars.” (Niesel) 1109 Starkweather Ave., 216-9371938, prosperitysocialclub.com.

MUSIC

Rocks for Tots Parma Heights residents Kate Dedinsky and Adam Grindler host their third annual Rock for Tots toy drive tonight at Brothers Lounge. Every year, the U.S. Marine Corps Reserve Toys for Tots Program follows its mission to collect new, unwrapped toys as holiday gifts for less fortunate children in the local community.

Guests are encouraged to bring at least one new, unwrapped toy to the event. Gift baskets will be available for raffle, and all money collected will go toward the purchase of additional toys. Locals Kiss Me Deadly, Michelle Gaw, and the Baker’s Basement will perform. The event begins at 5 p.m. at Brothers Lounge. (Niesel) 11609 Detroit Ave., 216-226-2767, brotherslounge.com.

FILM

FILM

Paris, Texas One of the key leaders of the New German Cinema, director Wim Wenders has put together a remarkable resume over the course of a career that stretches back to the ‘60s. The guy has shot movies all over the world and filmed in exotic places such as Berlin, Lisbon, Los Angeles, Cuba, Moscow, Tokyo and the Australian outback. With some help from Janus

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

cile with his son and estranged wife. It screens at 8:35 tonight and at 3:30 p.m. tomorrow. Tickets are $9. (Niesel) 11610 Euclid Ave., 216-421-7450, cia.edu.

NIGHTLIFE

Prohibition Repeal Party On Dec. 5, 1933, president Franklin Delano Roosevelt famously proclaimed, “What the world needs now is a drink.” To mark

Rocky Horror Picture Show Because it’s the first Saturday of the month, the Cedar Lee Theatre will host a midnight screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, the 1975 film that still draws an exuberant, costumed crowd that likes to throw rice and dry toast and sing along to the songs in the movie. Tickets are $9.50. (Niesel) 2163 Lee Rd. (2163 Lee Road), Heights, 216-321-5411, clevelandcinemas.com.

Happy HoliDeals!

L

R E OW

S 60 EAT

08: 00p m

3

ROW

D

SEA

07:3 0pm

11 JAN 201 3

FRI DAY

FRID AY

11 F EB 2 013

11 JAN 2013 FRIDAY

A S A 20 1 20 EAT 1

ROW

AA

SEAT

201

LEVEL

ORCH

Co nc ert s

T 1 0 1 401 L 8:0 JAN BAEVE 0pm L

11 07: FEB

LEV 30pm

ME EL ZZ

SEAT

201

07:30pm

BAL

ROW

A

LEVEL

11 JAN 07:30pm

Broadway Famil y

THIS WEEK ONLY

NOv. Nov. 30-DeC. 30-Dec. 4 F F O % 0 5 o t p u e v a S show tickets online!

Save now at playhousesquare.org/holiday

TAILGATE PARTY! 9AM

EVERY BROWNS HOME GAME DUELING PIANOS AFTER THE GAME!

$5

TITOS BLOODY MARY BAR

$12

BOTTOMLESS MIMOSAS

$25

100 OZ MILLER LITE TABLE TAP & APPETIZER SPECIAL

Saturday Dec 12 3pm-5pm

Live Dueling Pianos!

Singing & Dancing!

Benefitting Toys for Tots

1163 FRONT AVENUE - FLATS EAST BANK - 216.417.6222 magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 29

GET OUT SUN

12/6

MUSIC

he’s back! nov 27 - dec 23

216.241.6000 clevelandplayhouse.com Centennial Season Sponsor

The George Gund Foundation

James Feddeck Admitted to the Oberlin Conservatory of Music in four areas—piano, oboe, organ, and conducting, James Feddeck boasts quite an impressive resume. The assistant conductor of the Cleveland Orchestra for four years, he led the Cleveland Orchestra Youth Orchestra (COYO) from 2009 to 2013. He’s also served as guest conductor with orchestras around the world, including the Royal Scottish National Orchestra, the Helsinki Philharmonic Orchestra, the Deutsche Oper Berlin, the Hallé Orchestra, Residentie Orchestra at the Concertgebouw and the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra.

Today at 2 p.m., he returns to the McMyler Memorial Organ in CMA’s Gartner Auditorium. The program will include works by J. S. Bach, Mendelssohn, Barber, Alain, and Widor. Admission is free. (Niesel) 11150 East Blvd., 216-421-7350, clevelandart.org.

FAMILY FUN

Grammy-winning singer

JILL SCOTT December 14, 8 PM

216-241-6000

30

Group Sales: 216-640-8600

playhousesquare.org

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

Holiday CircleFest An annual tradition, Holiday CircleFest has only gotten bigger as University Circle has grown.

From 1 to 5:30 p.m. today, more than a dozen of University Circle’s museums, gardens, galleries, churches and schools will be open, offering seasonal activities, music, food, fun and shopping. There will be live music, craft making, historic displays of holiday toys, storytelling, live animals, a gingerbread house competition and much more. At Wade Oval, you can see ice carving demonstrations and take horse drawn carriage rides. The Rink at Wade Oval will be onen for skating and the day will conclude with the Cleveland Museum of Art’s Winter Lights Lantern Procession. Admission is free. (Niesel) universitycircle.org.

FILM

The State of Things One of the key leaders of the New German Cinema, director Wim Wenders has put together a remarkable resume over the course of a career that stretches back to the ‘60s. With some help from Ja-

nus films, the Cleveland Institute of Art Cinematheque pays tribute to the auteur this month in a series dubbed With Portraits Along the Road. The series continues tonight with The State of Things, a satirical look at the film industry. It screens at 6:30 p.m. Tickets are $9. (Niesel) 11610 Euclid Ave., 216-421-7450, cia.edu.

MON

12/7

DINING

Vegan Mondays If you’re vegan, vegetarian, gluten free, or just plain interested in trying something new, head over to Townhall in Ohio City this evening from 5 to 10 p.m. for Vegan Night. Featuring hits like Veggie Vegan Flatbread (think fresh tomatoes, chiles, mushrooms and vegan cheese), Tofu Etouffee (blackened tofu, onions, tomatoes and brown rice) or many of the regular menu items made vegan.

If you’re still feeling skeptical, know this: Monday night is also Craft Beer Night and all 36 crafts are only $3 from 6 p.m. to close.

Cheers! (Alaina Nutile) 1909 West 25th St., 216-344-9400, townhallohiocity.com.

TUES

12/8

ART

The Art of Roy Bigler Local artist Roy Bigler passed away in March 2014 at the age of 58. To honor his life, legacy and influence, Gallery East at Tri-C’s Eastern Campus hosts a special exhibition. Good Things To Life: The Art of Roy Bigler opens with a reception from 6 to 9 p.m. this Tuesday, Dec. 8. The exhibition will conclude with a closing auction from 6 to 9 p.m. on Thursday, Jan. 28. Good Things To Life is comprised of work by Bigler, as well as more than two dozen artists who knew and admired him. Contributors include Jeffry Chiplis, Bruce Edwards, Michael Loderstedt, Mindy Tousley, Douglas Max Utter, Laila Voss, Beth Wolf and more. Many of their works were created using items from Bigler’s studio after his passing. Free. (Usmani) 4250 Richmond Road, Highland Hills, 216-987-2473, www.tri-c. edu/galleryeast.

Find more events @clevescene.com t@cleveland_scene

ENjOy 3 (Three) ROOmS Of ENTERTAINmENT Provided by CLEvELANd muSIC GROuP

8:00Pm-1:00Am

$125 per person

($150 per person after 12/15/15)

Includes:

• Top Shelf OPEN Bar • Hot & Cold Hors D’ouevres Buffet • The Greater Cleveland Aquarium till 10 PM • Passed Wine & Champagne in the Aquarium • Photo Booths in Each Room • Lounge Areas • Party Favors • FREE Parking

HOTEL PARTNERSHIPS

The FirstEnergy Powerhouse 2000 Sycamore

F l a t s

E a s t

B a n k

TRANSPORTATION PARTNER

CALL 216.673.4222 TO SCHEduLE

GCA = Greater Cleveland Aquarium

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 31

ART ACROSS THE SPECTRUM DayGlo lights up the wintry north shore with unique paint project

By Josh Usmani FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS, the Cleveland-based DayGlo Color Corporation has teamed up with Tremont’s Doubting Thomas Gallery and local artists to annually light up Cleveland’s dark winter months with ultraviolet (black) light and a full spectrum of glowing, fluorescent paint. Each year, DayGlo donates gallons of its unique paint to artists throughout Northeast Ohio. The artists use the paint to create original two- and three-dimensional artwork.

Then the gallery is lit with black light; causing the paintings to glow brighter than Rudolph’s red nose.

In a continuing effort to outdo themselves, organizers have moved this year’s show to the east side and Collinwood’s Waterloo Arts. DayGlo IV opens with a reception from 6 to 9 p.m. this Friday, Dec. 4, in conjunction with December’s Walk All Over Waterloo event. DayGlo IV features new, never-before-seen work by about 40 local artists.

“One of the things I like about the DayGlo exhibit is that it marries together two industries in Cleveland – manufacturing and art – into an exciting gallery event that is as entertaining for regulars as it is for the less frequent gallery goer,” explains Waterloo Arts Executive Director Amy Callahan. “Cleveland has a long history in the coatings industry and we are proud to have DayGlo Color Corporation headquartered here and a partner for this exhibit. DayGlo generously provides all the paint so the artists can make new work for the show each year. Artists new to the DayGlo exhibit are challenged by fluorescent paint’s unique characteristics while veteran DayGlo artists continue to explore and develop their technique working with this unusual medium.”

Callahan hopes to use the exhibition as an educational tool and catalyst for important discussions.

She elaborates, “Science is essential to all art, whether in the chemistry of materials used, the engineering of a sculpture, the mathematical proportions in a design, or the physics of light, and so art can also be used to demonstrate science in an engaging way. I’m excited to develop the DayGlo exhibit as a teaching tool

32

for local science classes who can visit the exhibit as they are exploring the properties of light or chemical compounds. The arts should be an integral part of any education, regardless of one’s career path.”

Local artist John Saile and Doubting Thomas’ Dr. Theresa Boyd collaborated on the first exhibition after Saile exhibited his own DayGlo paintings at Doubting Thomas in 2012. Inspired by Saile’s paintings, Boyd asked Saile to curate an entire group exhibition of artwork created with the fluorescent paint. DayGlo Color Corporation has donated paint for each exhibition, and last year generously funded prizes for first, second and third place awards; presented by a panel of jurors.

“DayGlo paint has a captivating way of jumpstarting the psychedelic imagination,” says Saile. The popularity of the DayGlo Show has grown by leaps and bounds since 2012. This year brought with it a realization that the show had outgrown its original venue. Waterloo Arts graciously accommodated DayGlo IV. Amy Callahan has done a wonderful service to the arts community by giving us an opportunity to move to Waterloo and by agreeing to organize DayGlo4.”

Saile was the one to originally reach out to the DayGlo Color Corporation. He explains, “Early on, we sought the support of DayGlo Color Corporation to contribute an array of radiant florescent paints

Artwork by Rachel Latina

brilliant fine art medium.”

The DayGlo Color Corporation dates back to two brothers, Bob and Joe Switzer, who were experimenting with ways to make colors brighter.

Accidentally, they found the colors had a unique “glowing” effect under ultraviolet light. Early on, these new paints found their way into magic and stage shows, as well as promotional posters for films.

However, by the 40s, the Switzer brothers were working on colors that would “glow” in daylight for efforts during World War II. These new pigments were used to send signals from the ground to planes thousands

DAYGLO IV WATERLOO ARTS, 15605 WATERLOO RD. 216-692-9500, WATERLOOARTS.ORG.

so that we might distribute the paints free to artists who wished to participate in the show. DayGlo is native to Cleveland and has been an integral part of the city’s industrial scene for many years. Throughout the world, we live with DayGlo colors in our daily lives, more often unaware that this fascinating invention originates from our hometown.

DayGlo Color Corporation has been very generous in contributing paints to the show; and, in doing so, has encouraged local artists to explore their beautiful fluorescent paints as a

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

of feet in the air. Additionally, aircraft carrier crews wore fluorescent uniforms lit by UV lamps to guide planes during nighttime landings. Also, buoys painted in DayGlo paints marked safe zones in the water after they’d been cleared of mines and floating explosives.

The company itself was founded in 1946. In the 1960s, the company officially changed its name from Switzer Bros. to DayGlo Color Corporation. Today, the term DayGlo is synonymous with fluorescent paint, and its headquarters are

located at 4515 St. Clair Ave. The company has production facilities in Twinsburg as well as Cudahy, California and Houthalen, Belgium.

DayGlo IV remains on view through the end of the year. The exhibition will close with a reception from 6 to 9 p.m. during January’s Walk All Over Waterloo on New Year’s Day, Friday, Jan. 1. Additional gallery hours are Wednesdays from noon to 10 p.m., Thursdays through Saturdays from 4 to 10 p.m. or by appointment.

This year’s participants include Dunya Abrahim, Alexandra Birch, Christi Birchfield, Ross Bochnek, Dru Christine , Mori Clark, Charles Coven, Ryan Cress, JoAnn DePolo, Joan of Art (Deveney), Laurie Deveney, Michael Gill, Mike Greenwald, Jacci Hammer, Laurel Herbold, Scott Hudson, James Jenkins, Mark Keffer, George Kocar, Rachel Latina, Liz Maugans, Shawn Mishak, Loren Naji, Angela Oster, Lauren Paglisotti, Scott Pickering, Nancy Prudic, Joshua Rex, Tina Ripley, Lasaundra Robinson, John Saile, Diane Shoemaker, Brittany Simmons, Carina Smith, Kathleen Sonnhalter, Rachel Strongoli, Nico Pico Train, Douglas Max Utter, Grace Wei-Chih Wen and Evie Zimmer.

jusmani@clevescene.com t@cleveland_scene

THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS

Photos by Steve Wagner

STAGE Two drunk, sex-crazed broads and one gay elf.

Where’s Frosty the Snowman when you need him?

By Christine Howey THERE WAS A TIME WHEN theater during the holidays was inviolate territory; nobody messed with everybody’s favorite Christmas shows. Of course, some folks eventually got bored with all that sincere Christmastime crap and decided to go with some more unconventional ideas.

Two of those kind of shows opened

“boobs” or “fuck” make you laugh uproariously, then you’re in for a treat. Yes, the tipsy siblings Holly and Jolly Loush (It’s a combination of loose and lush, get it?) are back at Cleveland Public Theatre with their amped-up musicale that drapes the Christmas spirit in a glistening aura of sparkles—sort of like a well-lubed inflatable dildo when it catches the

THE LOUSH SISTERS LOVE DICK’NS: GREAT EXPECTATIONS THROUGH DECEMBER 19 AT CLEVELAND PUBLIC THEATRE 6415 DETROIT AVENUE, 216-631-2727.

last weekend. And while they are both repeats, of a sort, they each have something new in store that deserves some attention. One is anchored by two women who are boozers and sluts, and proud of it. And the other is the return of Crumpet, the neurotic department store elf played this year by one of the area’s most inventive performers.

Sure, there are only two dick jokes in the title of The Loush Sisters Love Dick’ns: Great Expectations, now at Cleveland Public Theatre, but don’t be disappointed. If the mere utterance of the words “dick,” “come” (erroneously spelled “cum” by some heathens), “nuts,”

light just right.

And yes, that’s pretty much the “Oops, I said a naughty word” style of humor that the Loush franchise has made its stock in trade. In 2013 the same tacky sisters—played then, as now, by director Beth Wood and the always-on-it Liz Conway—did an out-of-the-box (tee-hee!) takeoff on The Nutcracker (ha!). This time, it’s a Christmas Carol parody featuring the three ghosts along with the fractured Loush family dynamics (there is also a third sister, Butter Rum, and still more offspring).

Among frequent dead spots there are highlights: Conway and Woods, whose determined performances SPEAKING OF RISK, here comes The Santaland Diaries once again at Playhouse Square in a production

by Cleveland Public Theatre. Now a staple of Christmas in Cleveland, this one-hour memoir by gay humorist David Sedaris, relating his incarceration (er, employment) as an elf in Macy’s Santa village, was a huge hit when he read it on National Public Radio back in the day.

Since then, it has been staged locally at many venues featuring many different actors. This time around, the talented performer Ray Caspio steps into the curlytoed slippers and green velvet tunic of Sedaris at age 33 playing elf Crumpet. And he does a fine job even though this production, as with virtually all the others, kind of misses the point.

exhibit a fierce if not entirely understandable devotion to this material; Sheffia Randall Dooley as Butter Rum, who does a sultry, showstopping version of “Rumor Has It;” and Brian Pedaci as the pimped-out Ghost of Christmas Present with a (tiny) dick-in-a-box.

Some of the other supporting actors display a lack of comedy chops, often substituting volume for invention and mugging for wit. Of course the script, as created

by Conway, Woods and Michael Seevers, Jr., should take most of the

punishment—complete with ball gag, handcuffs and butt plug. On second thought, no, they’d probably just enjoy it.

Loushly weaving together pop songs, carols, and double-entendres, the overlong two-hour show can offer a certain kind of what-the-fuck fun, especially if you have a stiff beverage in one hand as you insert yourself into the high-volume camp vibe. If you don’t, it could be more like a non-consensual Cleveland steamer situation. Hey, nobody said the holiday shows are a risk-free zone.

It’s hard to blame either Caspio or director Cathleen O’Malley for this shortfall. Caspio uses his elfin face and limber physicality to wonderful effect, especially when rhapsodizing about his character’s beloved soap opera stars. And O’Malley stages the inherently static reading with energetic imagination that never

stuff in here, and it’s hard to access when you’re faced, from the get-go, with set designer Aaron Benson’s standard-issue Santa environment.

Sedaris, like many curmudgeonly nerds, lived in his gloriously twisted head before he started to share his wit and wisdom with the world. That is a transition that is hinted at in

THE SANTALAND DIARIES

THROUGH DECEMBER 20. PRODUCED BY CLEVELAND PUBLIC THEATRE AT PLAYHOUSESQUARE, 1615 EUCLID AVENUE, 216-241-6000.

detracts from the story.

Still, this is the mordant tale of a born-and-bred New York City neurotic who eventually admits that he is “not a good person.” And he proves it by poking fun, in his diary entries, of variously challenged Santaland visitors. There’s some dark

the conclusion of this piece. When a production of Santaland Diaries finally finds a way to capture that very specific journey, it really will be a Christmas miracle.

scene@clevescene.com t@christinehowey

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 33

ENTHRALLING!”

“

- Stephen Holden, THE NEW YORK TIMES

“

INVITE YOU TO AN ADVANCE SCREENING

Monday, December 7 7:30 PM Cedar Lee Theatre Duplicate entries will be deleted.

One pass per person. One entry per name and email address. Each pass admits two. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. Employees of all promotional partners and their agencies are not eligible.

For your chance to win a screening pass, visit www.gofobo.com /SCENEMACBETH127 and submit the requested contact information.

IN THEATERS DECEMBER 11 INVITE YOU AND YOUR CLEVELAND SCENE FAMILY TO SEE WED: 12/02/15 4 COLOR 4.42 x 5.42 SS ALL.MCB-P.1202.ClevelandScene ON DECEMBER 12 10:00AM CINEMARK VALLEY VIEW FOR YOUR CHANCE TO WIN A COMPLIMENTARY FOUR PACK OF PASSES, LOG ON TO GOFOBO.COM/ ALVINCLEVELANDSCENE

ELECTRIFYING!” - Alonso Duralde, THE WRAP

FIERCELY BRILLIANT!”

“

- Guy Lodge, VARIETY

“

MIND-BLOWING!” - Lee Marshall, SCREENDAILY

Find your happy hour.

Download SCENE’s official happy hour app today! clevescene.com/happyhours

TORONTO INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL OFFICIAL SELECTION 2015

JANIS LITTLE GIRL BLUE

Written and Directed by AMY J. BERG

STARTS FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4TH CEDAR LEE THEATER 2163 LEE RD. (440) 528-0355 CLEVELAND HEIGHTS

Cleveland Scener You and Wednesday, 12/2are a Guest invited to 1/8Pg(2.13x5.42) a special screeninG

tuesdaY, december 8th, 7:00 p.m. please visit wbtickets.com and enter the code

iHotsceNe to download Your complimentarY passes and a chance to win the soundtrack!

*WHILE SUPPLIES LAST

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE ROAD CHIP HAS BEEN RATED PG FOR SOME MILD RUDE HUMOR AND LANGUAGE. PASSES RECEIVED THROUGH THIS PROMOTION DO NOT GUARANTEE ADMISSION - SEATING IS FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED. 20TH CENTURY FOX, CLEVELAND SCENE, ALLIED INTEGRATED MARKETING AND THEIR AFFILIATES ACCEPT NO RESPONSIBILITY OR LIABILITY IN CONNECTION WITH ANY LOSS OR ACCIDENT INCURRED IN CONNECTION WITH USE OF A PRIZE. TICKETS CANNOT BE EXCHANGED, TRANSFERRED OR REDEEMED FOR CASH, IN WHOLE OR IN PART. WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE IF, FOR ANY REASON, WINNER IS UNABLE TO USE HIS/HER TICKET IN WHOLE OR IN PART. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. NO PHONE CALLS!

IN THEATRES DECEMBER 18!

AlvinMovie.com | #AlvinMovie |

34

/AlvinMovies |

/AlvinMovies |

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

CLEVELAND SCENE

/AlvinMovies

Rated PG-13 foR intense sequences of action and PeRil, bRief staRtlinG violence, and thematic mateRial.

Please note: Passes are limited and will be distributed on a first come, first served basis while supplies last. No phone calls, please.

Limit one pass per person. Each pass admits two. Seating is not guaranteed. Arrive early. Theater is not responsible for overbooking. This screening will be monitored for unauthorized recording. By attending, you agree not to bring any audio or video recording device into the theater (audio recording devices for credentialed press excepted) and consent to a physical search of your belongings and person. Any attempted use of recording devices will result in immediate removal from the theater, forfeiture, and may subject you to criminal and civil liability. Please allow additional time for heightened security. You can assist us by leaving all nonessential bags at home or in your vehicle.

iN tHeateRs DecembeR 11

intheheartoftheseamovie.com #intheheartofthesea soundtrack available now.

MOVIES

in theaters

‘CHI-RAQ’ IS BERSERK ADAPTATION Spike Lee’s latest has vitality, but not much else

By Sam Allard LAST YEAR, DIRECTOR SPIKE Lee made Da Sweet Blood of Jesus, a “stylized thriller” about a man infected by an ancient African tribal weapon and cursed with a thirst for blood. It was an adaptation of the 1973 film Ganja & Hess and attempted to meditate on “the very nature of love, addiction, sex and status.” Some critics liked the film -Richard Brody, at The New Yorker, called it “thrilling,” which is about the last thing it was -- but I sided

with those who were baffled by it, and said, at best, it represented Lee’s most sedate (i.e. boring) and immobile (i.e. bad) study of black life in America to date.

This year, Spike Lee has adapted the ancient Greek play Lysistrata by Aristophanes. He has set his version against the backdrop of gang violence in Chicago and he has called it Chi-Raq. In it, the women of the city’s south side attempt to liberate their neighborhoods by

SPOTLIGHT: LATE SHIFT AT CLEVELAND CINEMAS Whether a movie made big money at the box office or bombed has little to do with whether it becomes a cult classic. In fact, many cult classics were commercial failures. Cleveland Cinemas acknowledges as much each year when it announces its schedule for Late Shift, its cult film series. The local theater chain has just announced the schedule for the first half of 2016 and it’s an eclectic mix of movies. The films show at both the Cedar Lee and at the Capitol Theatre. In addition to screening at 9:30 p.m. and midnight on Saturdays at the Cedar Lee, the films at the Cedar Lee will now have a third showing on Sundays at 7 p.m.

The series commences with Stanley Kubrick’s groundbreaking sci-fi film 2001: A Space Odyssey, which screens at 9:30 p.m. and midnight on Saturday, Jan. 2, and at 7 p.m. on Sunday, Jan. 3, at the Cedar Lee Theatre. In honor of Dr. Dave Bowman, one of the film’s main characters, everyone named Dave who attends the screenings will receive free popcorn. Other (more or less) sci-fi entries on the schedule include Luc Besson’s The Fifth Element (Jan. 16 at the Capitol Theatre), Mad Max: Fury Road 3D (Saturday, Feb. 20 at the Capitol Theatre) and Donnie Darko (Saturday, April 16, at the Capitol Theatre).

Since Late Shift encompasses such an eclectic collection of films, it’s no surprise that Quentin Tarantino’s Blaxploitation send-up Jackie Brown (Saturday, Feb. 6, and Sunday, Feb. 7, at the Cedar Lee Theatre), is in the line-up. Also included is the Loony Toons/Michael Jordan mashup Space Jam (Saturday, March 5, and Sunday, March 6, at the Cedar Lee Theatre), the spy spoof Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (March 19 at the Capitol Theatre), the baseball flick Major League (Saturday, April 2, and Sunday, April 3, at the Cedar Lee Theatre), the classic Stallone action sequel Rambo: First Blood Part II (Saturday, May 21, at the Capitol Theatre) and the prison drama The Shawshank Redemption (Saturday, June 4, and Sunday, June 5, at the Cedar Lee Theatre). Anime icon Hayao Miyazaki is also represented with two films, My Neighbor Totoro and Spirited Away (Saturday, May 7, and Sunday, May 8, at the Cedar Lee Theatre). They screen as part of a double feature.

The series concludes with Road House, a Patrick Swayze movie about “a superstar bouncer” (soon to be remade with Ronda Rousey in the lead role). It screens on Saturday, June 18, at the Capitol Theatre. — Jeff Niesel

CHI-RAQ

abstaining from sex with their lovers (many of whom are entangled in a Spartans v. Trojans turf war that seems to have devolved exclusively into retaliatory acts of violence).

“No peace,” shout the women. “No pussy.” And though the movie is a discordant jumble of pitches and keys throughout, it certainly can’t be accused of sedateness or immobility.

It opens Friday at select area theaters.

Chi-Raq, a pejorative for Chicago to connote the extreme daily violence therein, is also the nom de plume of the movie’s tragic hero (Nick Cannon). As a bard and gang captain, he wears a purple bandana, sips on Robitussin and Sierra Mist, and raps about the violence in his city while actively participating in it. Wesley Snipes affects a goofy lisp and falsetto as “Cyclops,” the leader of the rival Trojans. Chi-Raq’s got the hottest girlfriend in the ‘hood too, Lysistrata (Dear White People’s Teyonah Parris). And Dolmedes, a Shakespeare-style narrator appareled in brightly colored suits, (Samuel L. Jackson), tells of her luscious backside.

When a young girl is murdered in the street, a kind of final straw, Lysistrata assembles the girlfriends and mistresses of the gang members and persuades them to take an oath of celibacy.

Most of the dialogue in the movie, in an homage to Greek verse, is spoken in poorly metered rhyme, e.g., “When they come in our direction, with an erection, and invite us to lay on the conjugal couch, we won’t let them enter our nappy pouch,” It’s certainly

an interesting experiment, but foreplay on the order of: “I got this big dick, I know you can’t wait, let me get in that butt, I won’t hesitate” is, notwithstanding the actors’ earnestness, difficult to interpret as anything but comedy.

And the comedy, not to mention the theatricality and absurdity of the sex-related storyline -- Chicago police attempt to flush the women out of the armory via “Operation Hot & Bothered,” which hinges on playing “slow jams” in the direction of females to get them in the mood -- abuts indelicately with the underlying tragedy of gun violence and Spike Lee’s oftarticulated politics. John Cusack plays a white priest who condemns gang violence and the culture of fear and silence it has bred. In a eulogy for a young girl killed by a stray bullet, Cusack idles on the collusion of the American government and the NRA. What? Later, he and the girl’s mother (Jennifer Hudson) pass out flyers seeking information about the shooting.

And though Lee is now, as ever, concerned with both sex and violence, the movie’s climax is a televised one-on-one faceoff between Chi-Raq and Lysistrata to see who can make the other orgasm first.

It’s followed by a string of Greektragic revelations about black-onblack crime, and you wonder if this material was ripe or even available, even in Spike Lee’s bold and zany hands, for satire.

scene@clevescene.com t@cleveland_scene

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 35

Attention All:

KITCHEN AND RESTAURANT MANAGERS • Looking for a new job? • Need a second job?

• Looking for professional hospitality groups with endless opportunities?

It’s easy and fast to get started. Just log onto www.restaurantrecruits.com or email your resume to resume@restaurantrecruits.com Subject: SCENE Are you an Award Winning Employer looking to hire the best hospitality talent In NE Ohio, and want to work with Restaurant Recruits? Simply log onto our website to get started.

restaurantrecruits.com

THE CAVS ARE BACK! Catch the run to the Championship here at MA! $5.50 Pitchers During ALL Games this season .

BROWNS VS BENGALS Sunday, December 6 at 1:00pm $5.50 Pitchers Specialks

CAVS AT PELICANS 9:30pm Saturday: CAVS AT HEAT 8:00pm Sunday: BROWNS VS. BENGALS 1:00pm Friday:

36

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

EAT SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT Banter—a beer and wine shop, and a whole lot more—finally opens this week

By Douglas Trattner “WE WANTED TO MODERNIZE the dusty old wine shop,” says Matt Stipe. “If you go to any other major city, you can buy your beer and wine from these great boutique stores where people are hanging out, drinking and having a great time.”

Banter, he hopes, will be that kind of place. In fact, he and his partners are aiming for nothing south of being “the best beer and wine shop in town.”

To get there, they have restyled the bottle shop concept from the ground up (literally, but we’ll get to that). From the way it looks to the way it functions, Banter will help redefine what Clevelanders have come to expect from their friendly neighborhood carry-out.

For about a year, partners Stipe, Tom Owen and Adam Gullett, along with consulting chef Adam Lambert, have been working to convert a 100-year-old space in Detroit Shoreway into a genre-bending concept that blurs the lines between retail and restaurant. Beverage shoppers on the run can pop in for a bottle or six-pack and be on their merry way, while those with a little more time – and appetite – on their hands can grab a seat, crack open that bottle or six-pack, and enjoy it alongside a bite to eat.

The 1,750-square-foot space at the corner of West 74th Street and Detroit Avenue features three separate but connected rooms that Stipe labels the “barroom,” “wine room” and “beer room.” The first is dedicated to a 10seat bar, some high-top seating and the small open kitchen. Room two is devoted to all things wine, with open shelving containing approximately 350 different labels. Room three, affectionately dubbed the Amphitheater of Beer, surrounds shoppers with coolers stocked with 500 types of beer.

The bar’s 10 taps will be reserved for hard-to-find brews while the wine program will highlight unique varietals and smaller growing regions. All the beer, along with some appropriate wines, are chilled and ready to enjoy onsite or elsewhere.

Lambert, the lone Canadian in the bunch, concocted the menu and recipes that will endure long after he moves on to his next big project, Ohio City Provisions. He and his Banter colleagues knew that poutine was going to be the star of the show, and for research purposes they went on a

off the pieces, arranging them back into squares, and laying them down as flooring. What they did not do was remove the colorful bits of tape that long ago demarcated the sidelines, baselines and free throw lines so that they appear randomly throughout the space.

“The simplest dishes are always the easiest ones to fuck up. Nobody around here is making an authentic Montrealstyle poutine.”

—Chef Adam Lambert

Banter wasn’t serving as of press time, but it’ll be slinging poutine soon.

tasting tour through Montreal, where they destroyed 23 different varieties in two and half days.

“Poutine is fries and cheese curds covered in gravy, and you know how it is; the simplest dishes are always the easiest ones to fuck up,” says Lambert.

“Nobody around here is making an authentic Montreal-style poutine.”

He’s right. Around here anything served on top of fries is considered poutine. Chili-cheese fries? Nope, TexMex Poutine! Sure, there’s room for experimentation and creativity, but at a minimum the dish requires hot, crispy french fries, very fresh cheese curds, and rich, flavorful gravy. Lambert will offer a vegetarian version, but the main lubricant will be a robust gravy built from meat bones. The biggest mistake restaurants make, notes the chef, is mucking up the works with too

many variables. His menu will be lean, with about a half dozen chef-designed arrangements.

Lambert also makes a mean sausage, and those will comprise the second half of the quick-casual menu. Some might come poached and griddled atop a platter of poutine, while others could get the batteredand-fried corndog treatment. There will be a few surprises on the menu as well, the chef promises.

When Stipe landed on this particular location, his landlord showed him a little piece of history he’d been sitting on for years. It was the original maple parquet floor from the Elyria High School gymnasium, which had been reduced to 1-inch planks and stacked to the rafters. The guys spent a sizeable portion of the last 12 months stripping wax and glue

More than just an interesting visual element, Stipe says the floor is a vital component of the entire Banter brand.

“We’ve done a lot of things that will encourage conversation, like the floor,” says Stipe. “It all starts with the decision to use Banter as the name. I think the term implies a sort of witty, back and forth between friends. What’s better than getting together with good friends over great food and great beer and wine?”

Other conversation starters include a jukebox that plays old 45s, the oldschool changeable letter board that serves as the menu, and the distinctive labeling used to showcase the real stars of the space, the liquid assets.

“There are a lot of great restaurants in town, but not many of them have a complete sort of identity,” Stipe adds. “We wanted to make sure that everything from the logo to the people we are hiring to the interior design and artwork are a well-rounded, complete thought.”

Look for Banter (7320 Detroit Ave., bantercleveland.com) to open sometime this week.

dtrattner@clevescene.com t@dougtrattner

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 37

Located in the Historical District of Solon

Open at 11:30 for

LUNCH

Tuesday-Friday

EAT HAPPY HOUR Monday-Friday 4pm-6:30pm

MUSIC

Entertainment Every Weekend

Like Us On

Book Your Holiday Parties With Us • Catering Available 33325 Bainbridge Road Solon, Ohio 44139 | 440.349.6900 | swirlsolon.com

Authentic Colombian Cuisine featured on Telemundo & CNN

2317 Denison Ave, Cleveland, OH 44109 216.471.8247 Hours: 11am-11pm Tues-Thur • 11am-2:30am Fri & Sat • Noon-8pm on Sun

38

Scenes from Garrettsville.

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

FIRST LOOK Portage County’s Main Street Grille and Brewing Company debuts new chef, locally sourced menu

By Nikki Delamotte THESE DAYS, A SINGLE restaurant can change an entire neighborhood by planting its roots and encouraging new growth around Real-deal poutine. it.

The same could have been said for the Hopkins Old Water Mill, the water-powered grist mill constructed in 1804 in what’s now the village of Garrettsville. A steady stream of farmers from within a 20-mile radius eventually built roads for easier access to the mill, sowing the seeds for new small businesses to flourish.

Today, Portage County’s 211-yearold Hopkins waterwheel can be seen from the balcony of Main Street Grille and Brewing Company (8148 Main St., 330-527-3663, msg-brew.com), the restaurant that the mill house was converted to nine years ago. And just as farmers once traveled to the mill with their grain, they now travel to Main Street with their products as it evolves into a new locally driven menu.

The farm-to-table overhaul came two months ago when owner Pete Kepich brought on executive chef James St. Ours.

“I just saw the place and it was gorgeous,” explains St. Ours, seated at a wood table in the dining room with a view of the four-barrel brewing house.

Launching a career as a pro skater at 19, St. Ours traveled the country cooking in a mish-mash of kitchens for side money until he returned home to Akron ten years later. After chef roles at Bricco and Dante Boccuzzi’s d.b.a., he came to Main Street, where he slashed the size of the menu in half and rebuilt it with dishes made using regional producers.

“This is an agricultural community and a small one where everyone knows everyone else,” says St. Ours.

Now, guests can find Mackenzie Creamery’s goat cheese atop an Ohiobeef burger. Shaved radishes come

straight from Hartville and rabbits from Canton. In fact, the distance many of the ingredients travel parallels the 20-mile journey farmers once traveled to the mill, an homage to history if ever there was one.

Still, one of the struggles that accompanies change is being careful to not alienate a decade’s worth of patrons, a path St. Ours and brewmaster Mike Mallone have taken pains to walk.

“We had a lot of people who initially said this isn’t going to work, you’re a small town and you need to remember that,” says Mallone.

There’s still a taste of the familiar, like the ahi tuna, a standard dish with an added kick of togarashi spices. And few things are more appropriate than the comfort foods that St. Ours says directly reflect his upbringing.

Much like St. Ours, Mallone draws on his own history and travels. As a Naval man, he spent long days on a boat in the middle of the ocean studying books on beer and trying local brews from port to port.

“I love funky, weird beers,” he says from his upstairs office lined with magazines and books on brewing.

Though his consistent rotation of eight brews on tap often lean more traditional, he hopes with the new palate introduced by St. Ours that he’ll be able to venture into the less conventional.

On Jan. 18, Main Street Grille will host its first small-batch beer dinner, with a tasting menu created by St. Ours.

“With the direction we’re going with the food it’s going to make things easier to start making more forward beers,” says St. Ours.

scene@clevescene.com t@Cleveland_Scene

VIEWING PARTY!

14 7 01 D E T R O I T AV E .

L A K E W O O D, O H • Support Local •

SATURDAYS - BUCKEYES SUNDAYS - BROWNS MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL THURSDAY PRO & COLLEGE FOOTBALL

thedetroiterlakewood.com

Voted Best

BUFFALO WINGS

In Town

• INSPIRED COMFORT FOOD • SCRATCH RECIPES •

$5.00 CRAFT BEERS

MONDAY

TUESDAY

BURGER

FOUR

ALL DAY

BUY1/GET 1

MUSSELS

(dine-in only, w/any 2 bev’s)

(1 per/dine-in only w/ any bev)

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

$3.99

THIRSTY THURSDAY

Everyday

BUCK

Nite

after 5PM

CUERVO MARGARITAS DAY ALL

HUMP

$3 TACOS after 5pm

(3 per/ dine-in w/any bev)

after 5PM

drink specials

$5 RED SANGRIA ALL DAY

SUNDAY

SUNDAY $5 drink FUNDAY SPECIALS

NEED $$$ FOR THE HOLIDAYS? Refer a Restaurant Manager or Salaried Chef to Restaurant Recruits & we sucessfully place them you will receive a $300 referral fee.

Just email your referrals with contact info to resume@restaurantrecruits.com Go to restaurantrecruits.com for more info. magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 39

URBAN BULK FOODS 14021 MADISON AVE ✦ LAKEWOOD @ BUNTS RD

216-644-6911

10AM-6PM M-F OPEN LATE ON WEDS! | 10AM-4PM SAT.

NUTS

SNACKS

BAKING GOODS • ADDITIVES • SPICES AMISH cheeses, eggs, butters & syrups

Red Sauce, Mozzarella Cheese, Cappacola Ham, Salami, Pepperoni, and Oregano

Don Corleone

Pizza

WE WENT OUT WHEN YOU COULDN’T. CATCH UP ON LAST NIGHT WITH SCENE’S EVENT SLIDESHOWS. ONLY AT CLEVESCENE.COM SCENE

40

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

CARRY OUT & DELIVERY SPECIALS AVAILABLE FOR CATERING & PRIVATE PARTIES BOOK YOUR HOLIDAY PARTIES SOON!

SERVING CLEVELAND HEIGHTS THE BEST ITALIAN CUISINE SINCE 1980

CANDIES

THE DON(FORCORLEONE PIZZA A LIMITED TIME)

JOEY’S BISTRO BAR Formerly of Chagrin Falls, Now in Cleveland Hts.

Open 7 Days A Week

Celebratienagrs!

36 Y

joeysbistrobar.com 2195 Lee Rd. • Cleveland Heights 216-932-7777

561 W. BAGLEY ROAD, BEREA, OH 44017

440.234.2233 • www.perkcupcafe.com Hours: Mon-Sat 7a-8p | Sun 7a-2p

EvEnt Room!

Book holiday parties, showers, birthdays, business meetings. Full bar available.

Serving breakfast, lunch, dinner; beer and wine available!

Sunday Brunch Buffet 9a-2p Happy Hour Specials: 7a-11a - $1 off all Specialty coffee drinks & smoothies (Mon-Sun) 3p-7p - $1 off Beer, Wine, and other adult beverages (Mon-Sat) and $4 appetizers with purchase of one dinner entree

Daily Specials

(Available 3pm - 8pm) mondays - Kids eat fREE (one free kids meal with each adult purchase)

tuesdays - Bakery item for $1 with each dinner entrée purchase

Wednesdays - $5 Burger Night thursday-Saturday - $15 bottles of wine

EAT bites TANDUL TO BRING INDIA TO TREMONT

By Douglas Trattner IN THE HANDFUL OF YEARS SINCE the Hotz Valley View Café in Tremont shut its doors, the storefront space at 2505 Professor Ave. has been two separate Turkish restaurants: Istanbul Grill and Dervish Grill.

Both operations suffered from the same issue, namely a lack of talented Turkish chefs to prepare the food.

“There is a very limited supply of Turkish chefs,” Drew Sasmaz, coowner of Istanbul Grill, explains. “In all of Ohio there are maybe less than 10 chefs.”

What’s more, adds Sasmaz, who remains the property owner, a successful approach requires a sort of split personality when it comes to running the business.

“To be appealing to the Tremont atmosphere, the front has to be run like an American place and the kitchen like a Turkish restaurant.”

Those were the words of advice Sasmaz passed along to his new tenant, Ashish Patel, who will be opening Tremont’s first Indian restaurant within a couple weeks.

Called Tandul, the restaurant will offer a familiar mix of primarily Northern Indian specialties.

“The word tandul is Sanskrit for rice,” Patel explains, adding that both tandul and tandoor-cooked dishes will comprise the heart and soul of the operation.

Neither Patel nor his main business partner hail from the restaurant industry, but that shouldn’t be cause for concern, he says.

“This is a completely new venture for us,” Patel notes. “We bring in plenty of business experience but a restaurant is something very new to us.”

But, he adds, they brought in an experienced managing partner to run the operation as well as two Indian chefs with plenty of restaurant experience to run the kitchen.

Tandul will offer a lunch buffet and conventional dinner service. No major modifications are being made to the space, which seats about 50 in two small dining rooms and at the bar, a vestige from the Hotz Valley

View Café days.

“We love the location and the neighborhood, and we’ve had really good feedback so far,” Patel says.

“Three different families have already stopped by and got really excited when we told them our plans.”

MELT BAR & GRILLED TO OPEN FIRST SUMMIT COUNTY LOCATION Since opening his first Melt Bar & Grilled in Lakewood almost 10 years ago, Matt Fish has been on an unstoppable roll. Next up for the ever-expanding comfort food brand is Greater Akron; more specifically, a

former Friendly’s at 3921 Medina Road in Bath Township. The location, right off I-77 on Rt. 18, is the group’s first in Summit County, putting grilled cheese sandwiches tantalizingly close to an entirely new audience, says Fish.

“We’ve been wanting to be in the Akron-Canton area for a very long time; we looked there even before Columbus, but nothing ever materialized,” Fish explains.

Fish says that Melt beat out at least four other restaurant hopefuls, both local and national, all vying for this prime piece of real estate. The location, adds Fish, should attract residents from Akron, Medina, Canton and even

down south to New Philadelphia.

The Montrose shop poses some new challenges for the organization, which had pretty much gotten expansion down to a science. When it comes to design aesthetic, Friendly’s and Melt aren’t exactly on the same plane, requiring a total gut job of the space save the shell, says Fish.

“This isn’t going to be one of our typical build-outs. This is the first freestanding structure that we have, so it’s our building, it’s our parking lot, our landscaping. It’s everything.”

dtrattner@clevescene.com t @dougtrattner

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 41

P O H S G THE GRO

HTS ELAND P D, CLEVO .GS V L O B H S S T G H ID GR 2785 EUCL 216.321.5588

FRI 12/4

WED 12/9 GROG SHOP PRESENTS

SAT 12/5

BLACK PISTOL FIRE The Shadow Division

FILMSTRIP Hiram-Maxim

Super Awesome Macho Sweepyheads

SLEATER-KINNEY with WAXAHATCHEE

Blaka Watra Public Squares

AT THE CLEVELAND MASONIC AUDITORIUM

THU 12/3 TUE 12/22 PACKY MALLEY PRESENTS RED BLACK & GREEN XMAS

WORKINGMAN’S REGGAE WITH

THE ARK BAND Wildlife Soundz

WED 1/27

MUAMIN COLLECTIVE OBNOX

GRAVEYARD

Spiders

Fresh Produce • LMNTL

WED 12/23

SUN 12/6

NORTHCOAST CHRISTMAS WITH

WED 2/3

THE MODERN CASPIAN ELECTRIC O’BROTHER

WHO HIT ME Rosedale Two Hands

THU 12/10 SAT 12/26 • FREE!

ANGIE HAZEDuddle PROJECT X-MESS Magic DANCE PARTY

SAT 2/6

GRIZFOLK

Max Frost

Molly Stofko DJ RED - I Suitcase Runaway East/West Collective 2/12 LO-PAN FRI SKIZZY MARS

Tom Evanchuck & The Old Money The Methodrones

VENOMIN JAMES Pillars

THU 12/10

MON 12/28

CLOUD NOTHINGS HYBRID SHAKEDOWN Aaron Dilloway Cold Heat Family Band

SAT 2/20

RIVAL SONS

Vanilla Poppers

SUN 12/13

WED 12/30

TRAPT Bridge To Grace

SIGNALS MIDWEST TWO HAND FOOLS HEART & LUNG

Too Close to Touch Trusting Obscurity

THU 12/17

WOLF ALICE SAT 12/19

SAT 1/2

NEW PLANET TRAMPOLINE SHALE SATANS BUMMED OUT JOYFRAME SUN 1/3

THE MOXIES Harlend

MORGAN MECASKEY OLDBOY AKU AKU

Theta Waves The Scenic Route

SUN 12/20 6PM CRUEL WINTER FEST THU 1/14

HARI KONDABOLU TAE MILES Hosted by RAMON RIVAS in w/Creez Mob, Ray Ave + more Music by Noah Peele

42

THE SWORD THU 4/21 NAPALM DEATH SKINNY LISTER

TROPIDELIC VIBE & DIRECT My Mouth is the Speaker WANYAMA DRUNKEN SUNDAY FRI 1/1

conjunction w/ Accidental Comedy

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

WEDNESDAY 12.9 MUG NIGHT = $2 PBR Mugs DJs Elliot Nash + FRIENDS

WED 12/9

MON 3/28

PUNCHLINE The Missing

CRAIG OWENS When Skies Are Grey

TUESDAY 12.8 LYRICAL RHYTHMS 7:30PM Open Mic | Live Band | Drink Specials

with MELVINS

THU 12/31 TUE 12/15 A FUNK NASTY NEW YEAR’S EVE

GROG SHOP FREE SHOW WEEKEND!

SUNDAY 12.6 7th DAY SWEAT! DJ WHITE RIMS 10PM INDUSTRY DEALS No Cover // 21+

THE AGORA

FRI 3/11

Nick D & The Believers • Polars

WED 12/16

FRIDAY 12.4 PLAYERS BALL Playing All The Throwbacks!

DJs NuEra, Elliot Nash, Wes Woods No Cover // 21+

THE GROG SHOP PRESENTS AT

THE LIGHTHOUSE CRAW & THE WHALER MURDEREDMAN

First Decree Meka Nism

THURSDAY 12.3 THE HOOKUP College ID Night 21+ DJs, Dancing, ID Discounts

MONDAY 12.7 BSide BREAKROOM Industry Dance Night 10PM House, Techno, Underground Club Special Guest: Justin Bailey of “Rubber City” Hosted by Broken Keys

SAT 12/26

THADDEUS ANNA GREENE

Happy Hour Every Day until 9 PM WEDNESDAY 12.2 MUG NIGHT = $2 PBR Mugs DJs Elliot Nash + FRIENDS

SATURDAY 12.5 Superior Saturday Local DJs - Dance Music No Cover // 21+

SEAFAIR • JIVVIDEN

FRI 12/11

2875 EUCLID HEIGHTS BLVD CLEVELAND HEIGHTS

THE GROG SHOP PRESENTS AT

CLEVELAND MASONIC AUDITORIUM

Beans on Toast Will Varley

TUE 4/5

UNWRITTEN LAW FENIX, TX Sun 12/6 WHO HIT ME • Rosedale • Two Hands Mon 12/7 MAKE ‘EM LAUGH MONDAY Fri 12/18 THE TOM KATLEES Thu 12/24 ANNUAL GROG SHOP XMAS EVE PARTY! Sun 12/27 ARANKA FABIAN • Gypsydaze Wed 1/6 CLUBHOUSE • Diverge Fri 1/8 SKULL PRACTITIONERS (Jason Victor of Dream Syndicate) Sat 1/9 6PM DEAD FALL • Home for Fall • Homesafe Sat 1/9 10PM BRAVE BONES • Posh Army • The Science Fair Wed 1/13 KEVIN BIANCHI & THE CHESTERTONS Sun 1/17 MR. CARMACK Thu 1/21 Lyrical Rhythms presents DURAND BERRNAN Sat 1/23 WHISKEY DAREDEVILS Sun 1/24 JUSTIN ROBERTS&THENOT READYFOR NAPTIME PLAYERS Fri 1/29 HONEY • Wesley Who Fri 2/5 MASS GOTHIC Sat 2/20 RIVAL SONS

FRI 1/29

ELLE KING

with HORSE THIEF

THE GROG SHOP PRESENTS AT

BEACHLAND BALLROOM THU 1/28

YO LA TENGO

THE GROG SHOP PRESENTS AT

HOUSE OF BLUES

MON 2/29

BEACH HOUSE

SAT 4/16

ANDREW BIRD

TICKETS TO GROG SHOP EVENTS ARE AVAILABLE THROUGH

www.ticketweb.com LOOP • MUSIC SAVES • MY MIND’S EYE • RECORD REVOLUTION ERIE ST. GUITARS • THE RECORD SHOP • SQUARE RECORDS Or just get ‘em from the club! Call 216.321.5588

MUSIC AGAINST THE ODDS

Singer-guitarist Steve Hackett just gets better with age

By Matt Wardlaw A YEAR AGO, FORMER GENESIS guitarist Steve Hackett made his long awaited return to the Cleveland area for a show at the Hard Rock Live after a prolonged absence. At the time, he was already several years into touring behind Genesis Revisited II, an impressive effort that found Hackett putting an updated spin on more than two and a half hours of music from his former group.

The touring production of Genesis Revisited was something that was similarly irresistible to promoters and when Hackett spoke with Scene last fall, he made it clear that the offers were continuing to flow in for more and more tour dates. But he had his sights firmly set on continuing his solo career and had a new album ready to go.

“It’s basically a rock album,” he told us at that time. “But on the other hand, there are lots of orchestral salvos that come along, ambushing the rock band.

There’s also campfire stuff, folk music and quite a lot of Eastern influence on it as well. You know, really at my age, people shouldn’t be getting better, should they? They should be winding down. But I seem to be getting better.

I seem to be getting more adept at not just playing the guitar, but writing songs that people want to hear as well and I’ve finally done an album where I’ve done most of the vocals myself.

I’ve finally found a style that works for me. It’s a very powerful album. I can’t sing its praises enough — I think it’s exactly what everyone’s looking for right now.”

Wolflight, the new album he references, was released earlier this year; it’s been warmly received by both critics and fans. Hackett is also celebrating a double disc reissue of GTR, his 1986 collaboration with Yes guitarist Steve Howe.

“It proved that it was possible to cross over and change people’s ideas of what the guitar could do,” he says, looking back on GTR. “Keyboard was reigning supreme at the time and we were part of the guitar fight back. I think we started something.

We showed that guitars were viable again.”

The GTR album spawned a hit single with “When the Heart Rules the Mind,” which charted inside the Top 15 of the Billboard singles chart,

but the album itself faced some harsh criticism, including one famous review from J.D. Considine, who summarized his thoughts on the record in Musician magazine with three letters: “SHT.” Hackett doesn’t recall the review and says, “I think that people tend to remember negative criticisms, but I think that when you’re in the thick of it, you have to be very focused if you want to have a hit. I think at that point in time, I’d proved whatever I felt I had to prove with Genesis. And then I thought, “If I could prove it with GTR again, then people would think, ‘Well, it’s not just a coincidence.’”

Nearly 30 years later, he has fond memories of the experience of making the album and touring behind it, even though it ended up being a brief entry in his career. He admits that the current reissue was one that caught him by surprise as he was already in the midst of touring with a crowded setlist agenda. He says that he’ll look to “honor” the album on a future tour when time permits. For now, Hackett is heading back to Cleveland for a second round at the Hard Rock. Fans can look forward to nearly three hours of music from the guitar legend, neatly split into two distinct sets, one that will cover his solo work over the years followed by a second set of additional Genesis favorites that Hackett is bringing out on tour for the first time.

We caught up with the guitarist via phone on the eve of the U.S. tour to get a preview of the show.

We’re looking forward to the Acolyte to Wolflight tour, which is just about to kick off here in the States. How have the initial shows been going overseas?

Very well indeed. It’s been really, really good. The tour was set up so that I would do some Genesis stuff.

I mean, I had been touring Genesis Revisited for two or three years, doing exclusively Genesis stuff. And then I had a hit record over here and by then the dates were already set and advertised as From Acolyte to Wolflight, my first and last [most recent solo] album. And then they wanted it to be billed as a part-Genesis show. So I said, “Okay, we’ll do that, but of course we’ve got the other stuff.

We’ve got to honor all of the gods here.”

We’ve got to honor the fact that

Photo by Scott Sandberg

Steve Hackett performing at Hard Rock Live last year.

the latest album is a hit and I’m quite happy to still carry the torch for the early Genesis stuff, the era where we were all involved with Peter Gabriel when we were all writing together as a five man team. I fought hard for that in the early days too. I’m still proud of it, so I’m happy to do stuff from all of these eras. What I hadn’t banked on was the fact that the GTR album was going to be released as well and all of the interest that there is in that. So eventually I’ll try and honor that too. I won’t be able to do it with these shows, but I’d like to think that live at some point, I’ll try and honor that again as well.

Fans are getting the best of both worlds with these shows, one set of solo material and one set of Genesis material. For the Genesis material, I know you really made an effort to pick out a different set of songs this time around. How did you go about selecting that material?

It’s entirely determined by the fans.

The songs that the fans wanted to hear that I did not do in the past two or three years were [songs like] “The Cinema Show,” I think was top of the

list, they wanted to hear, “Get ‘Em Out By Friday,” “The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway,” “Can-Utility And The Coastliners,” off of Foxtrot and several others. And of course, we still include “The Musical Box” and “Firth of Fifth,” because they bring the house down each time. There’s also the addition of “After The Ordeal” and stuff from the [Voyage Of The Acolyte] album, “Shadow Of The Hierophant,” which also brings the house down. The tour de force factor is there with those and the live versions of the Wolflight things work terribly well live too.

Different singers do these different things at different points and I’ve got Roine Stolt of the Flower Kings and Transatlantic — he’s the perfect lead guitarist, but he’s also brilliant on bass and 12-string, so we try and play to everyone’s strengths. We have Nad Sylvan, the fellow Swede, along with Roine Stolt, singing the Genesis stuff and I sing the solo stuff and there’s the harmonies too, so most of the guys in the band sing. It’s a terrific show — it’s nearly three hours long with a break in the middle. We do two sets. At least that’s the way we’ve

Vanessa Carlton, in a contemplative mood.

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 43

MUSIC done it in Europe. Whether or not American venues will want us to do it with an intermission, I don’t know.

Some places are set up for that, other places like to close their bars and forget it. We’ll see about that.

It certainly works very well taking a break in the middle and then we become another band!

Are there songs in this set overall, whether they’re solo or Genesis that you haven’t played prior to this touring?

Certainly, yes. I have not played all of the Wolflight stuff, of course.

I’ve only played “Can-Utility And The Coastliners” from Foxtrot. It was only played about two or three times in Italy, way back in 1972 in front of three men and a dog, literally. We decided that wasn’t going to work live. But it became a classic. It’s part of that top selling album. And

and we don’t just use Mellotron for the orchestral sound in it, we use Mellotron plus [other things], so it’s multi-samples of these things to [create the overall sound]. And we do it in surround sound as well, which is the other thing that I’m often forgetting to mention. You get Genesis in surround, plus you get my original stuff in a sense, to a level of audio that you’ve never really heard before. It’s all part of the fight back of audio — I refuse to believe that you’ve got to have a show full of visuals to the extent to where the audio is only part of it. I mean, I’m an audiophile — that’s what I do — I like to make albums. So I adore surround sound and I love radio — that’s what I do and that’s what I grew up listening to, falling in love with music.

I’m an albums animal and I love doing shows. I like doing that and I don’t think I would be prepared to make the compromises to make hit singles these days. I can’t quite

STEVE HACKETT NORTH AMERICAN TOUR 2015 8 P.M. FRIDAY, DEC. 4, HARD ROCK LIVE, 10777 NORTHFIELD RD., NORTHFIELD 330-908-7625. TICKETS: $37.50-$75, HRROCKSINONORTHFIELDPARK.COM.

ACKETT NORTH AMERICAN TOUR 2015

ARD ROCK LIVE, 10777 NORTHFIELD RD., NORTHFIELD, 330TS: $37.50-$75, HRROCKSINONORTHFIELDPARK.COM.

44

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

so that’s been wonderful — doing that live has been brilliant. It’s worked out really, really well. “The Cinema Show,” I haven’t played since 1973. “The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway,” I have not played since 1975. You know, it feels great to go back to those thing and to have them revalidated, as it were. To celebrate them, is part of their continuing commerciality, I think.

“Can-Utility And The Coastliners,” as you mentioned, is one that you haven’t played since ’72. What do you think it was that made it possible to get an arrangement that works this time around?

Part of it is the fact that you’ve got the willingness of the band to play it, because they love it and they grew up listening to it. The other thing is that beyond that, we have a band that are great players, who are able to do that. Plus, I do it all on sixstring electric and use a chorusing effect to make it sound like 12-string and Roine Stolt uses [something] that does a very good impression of 12-string as well. Roger King also plays keyboards with 12-string in there, so we all tinker away together and it creates that Genesis sound, that sort of mass arpeggio thing that works so well.

And of course now, you’ve got pipe organ at the push of a button

see that, unless it’s something that is natural and it’s part of a film soundtrack. If they take on board what you’ve got and you’ve tailored it to it, then it will be the same discipline as GTR, of course, and that’s fine.

What’s next after you finish touring for this record?

Well, I’ve moved into a new house and by the time I finish touring, it will be three or four months on the road. I’ve got to build a new studio in the garden and then I’ll start work on new stuff. But I’m writing all of the time. I work on paper, I work with the guitar and I have some things already recorded.

I think I will continue the kind of style of Wolflight, which is a kind of pan-genre approach, all inclusive of many different styles of music.

I’d like to think I’ll be working with people from all over the world to make the kind of music that is as adventurous perhaps as some of the psychedelic [music] meeting orchestras that I think people did so well way back in the day. It showed it was possible to be extremely esoteric, but also be extremely commercial at the same time. That’s the challenge for all of us.

scene@clevescene.com t@cleveland_scene

FOLLOW

308 EUCLID AVE. CLEVELAND, OH 44114 216.523.BLUE Complete listing at houseofblues.com/cleveland

US:

@HOBCLEVELAND

I N A S S O C I AT I O N W I T H

PAUL FAYREWETHER

ANDREW BIRD

J A N U A R Y 3 0 O N S A L E F R I D AY 1 0 A M

A P R I L 1 6 O N S A L E F R I D AY 1 0 A M

PANDORA’S BOX DECEMBER 2

DECEMBER 10

AEROSMITH TRIBUTE w/cowboy - kid rock tribue

W/DEVILSTRIP

DECEMBER 11

DECEMBER 12

DECEMBER 16

boys from the county hell TWO NIGHTS OF

MACHINE GUN KELLY DECEMBER 17

DECEMBER 19

DECEMBER 20 & 21

w/mary’s lane

DECEMBER 23

DECEMBER 27

TERRY LEE GOFFEE

JON PARDI

w/welshly arms

COMING SOON

DECEMBER 31 dec. 15 jan. 15 jan. jan. jan. feb.

FEB. feb.

17 27 28 4 6 10

BUY TICKETS AT

THE ULTIMATE JOHNNY CASH TRIBUTE

w/BROTHERS OSBOURNE

JANUARY 2

DigiTour Slaybells Fire ten (pearl jam tribute) w/ratm2 (rage against the machine tribute) dustin lynch w/chris lane umphrey’s mcgee w/joshua redman city and colour w/greyhounds BADFISH, A TRIBUTE TO SUBLIME CHIPPENDALES never shout never w/Jule Vera, Waterparks

JANUARY 7 feb. feb.

FEB. feb. feb. feb. feb. feb.

FEB.

JANUARY 8 11 12 18 20 21 23 26 28 29

JANUARY 9

mike stud w/ocd: moosh and twist • futuristic lupe fiasco DROPKICK MURPHYS W/TIGER ARMY gaelic storm jack & jack w/daya naughty by nature warren haynes and the ashes & dust band finish ticket w/vinyl theatre CAMBRIDGE ROOM BEACH HOUSE IN ASSOCIATION WITH

Buy Tickets at houseofblues.com

Order By Phone: 800.745.3000 • House of Blues Box Office magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

45

MUSIC “I’M BACK HOME IN NASHVILLE,” says the Arcs singer-guitarist Dan Auerbach via phone just after he returned from France, where he played a show on the day of the recent terrorist attacks. You can tell from the tone of his voice that Auerbach, an Akron native who also fronts the Black Keys, is relieved. He’s talked plenty about the incident and even wrote an essay about experiencing “survivor’s remorse” for Rolling Stone magazine.

Instead of focusing on that horrible incident, we choose to ask Auerbach about the inspiration for the Arcs, a band that he fronts that includes Shins and Black Keys touring bassist Richard Swift, Leon Michels, Homer Steinweiss, Nick Movshon, Kenny Vaughan, and the women of Mariachi Flor De Toloache. Appropriately entitled Yours, Dreamily, the group’s atmospheric debut enables Auerbach and Co. to pin down the music that they’ve made for group while serving as the house band at Auerbach’s Nashville studio, where he’s recorded everyone from rock icon Dr. John to pop singer Lana Del Rey.

“I’ve been making music with these guys for six years,” says Auerbach when asked about how the Arcs came together. “I reached out to them [at that time about doing some recordings].

We’ve been friends ever since. We would produce records and do records for other people. We did Lana del Rey and Dr. John and all kinds of stuff.

The thing that remained was that we would try to get together whenever we

album. We gave the name the Arcs and that gave us the platform.”

The guys recorded over two weeks at the Sound Factory in Los Angeles, Electric Lady Studios in New York, Easy Eye Sound in Nashville, and the Sound Mine in New York. Auerbach and Michels co-produced the album, and Tchad Blake mixed it.

“We work pretty quickly,” says Auerbach. “The songs on the album

THE ARCS 7:30 P.M. TUESDAY, DEC. 8, AKRON CIVIC THEATRE, 182 S. MAIN ST. 330-253-2488. TICKETS: $32.50-$39.50, AKRONCIVIC.COM.

could to make music. That’s what this is all about. Arcs have been around for a while. This year is just the first time we started to share it with people.

He says the songs are actually “all pretty fresh” despite the long gestation period.

“A year ago Leon [Michels] and I got together and we went through the catalog of songs we recorded,” he says. “We would record them and put them away and record them and put them away. We started looking into it.

We had 75 songs. At that moment, we agreed that we would put together an

took about two weeks to record. This wasn’t our main job. We could only get together when we were free.”

The album commences with “Once We Begin,” a circus-music like snippet, that features a distorted spoken word interlude.

“For me, the record is kind of a collection of songs that feel like little daydreams and little scenes, I guess,” says Auerbach. “I heard a narrator bring us into the world of the Arcs.

That was the idea, I guess. That’s Leon playing the organ.”

The band released the first singles,

THE PERFECT PLATFORM Singer-guitarist Dan Auerbach explores his experimental side with the Arcs

By Jeff Niesel

46

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

Photo courtesy of Richard Swift

“Stay in My Corner” and “Put a Flower in Your Pocket,” on the day of the Floyd Mayweather, Jr. vs. Manny Pacquiao boxing match that took place this past May. “The boxing match was steadily approaching, so I just threw the songs out there,” says Auerbach. “That has become what the Arcs is all about.

That was our first release. Those aren’t singles. Those aren’t radio singles.

We released it on the day of a boxing match on vinyl only. From our first release, we were putting out there what this whole project is all about.”

He also discovered the New York-based all-female mariachi band Mariachi Flor de Toloache, which performs backing vocals on several album tracks and the lead vocals on “Chains of Love,” by chance.

“Leon and I had this song and we wanted some mariachi for ten seconds,” he says. “That’s it. We were in New York and Leon knew a guy who managed the band. They show up and it’s an all girl band. We didn’t know that. We were like, ‘That’s interesting.’ They started playing, and they were so fucking great. These things just happen. We don’t play any of these things. It all just happens in real time.”

The band has also just issued a ten-inch, Arcs vs. Inventors. The album sounds like the band took the weirder aspects of the full-length and expanded on them.

“It’s the beginning of a series we’re doing,” Auerbach explains. “We’re reaching out to musicians who have inspired us. We invited David Hidalgo from Los Lobos into the studio. He is amazing. Some people just have something really special. He’s got it.

He walks in and he’s quiet and you can tell he knows something that you don’t know. He sits down and he’s the greatest. He sits down at the piano and he’s killing it. He sits down and plays the mandolin and he’s killing it. He’s the best conga player I’ve ever heard in my life. He’s a really creative person and great in the studio.”

Auerbach says the band’s Akron debut, which finds it playing the Akron Civic Theatre, a venue he describes as a “magical place,” will be extra special since he so rarely returns home.

“I haven’t been to Akron for years,” he says. “It’ll be the first time in years.

When I’m not on tour, I’m at home and my parents [who still live in Akron] have been coming down to Nashville to visit. I just haven’t had a reason to drive up there.”

jniesel@clevescene.com t @jniesel

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 47

ALL ABOUT THAT BASS

Photo courtesy of Mad Ink PR

MUSIC

Stuart Hamm brings his power trio to Nighttown

By Matt Wardlaw EVEN AS HIS CAREER HEADS towards its fourth decade, bassist Stuart Hamm says he gets no respect — or at the very least, he has to do a bit of convincing.

“You know, half of my life, dude, is just like convincing people I know what I’m doing,” Hamm says with a chuckle during a recent phone conversation from his California home. “When I do these solo bass [shows], I show up and they say, ‘Well, what are your backing tracks?’ And I say, ‘Well, I don’t use any backing tracks.’

They say, ‘Okay, well, where’s your looper?’ ‘I don’t have a looper.’

‘Where’s your pedalboard?’ ‘I don’t have a pedalboard.’ I just do this one-man show where I talk about my career and I play and it’s really wildly entertaining and it’s been working for the last 37 years, you know? It’s just so hard to convince people that just me on stage with the bass will be interesting and entertaining, but it’s worked so far.”

He won’t be riding solo when he comes to Nighttown with the Stu Hamm Band, a power trio featuring longtime associates Alex Skolnick (Testament, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Alex Skolnick Trio) on guitar and drummer Joel Taylor (Al Di Meola, Allan Holdsworth, Stanley Clarke), but he will have at least two opportunities to share pieces from his “Petite Suite for Bass,” something that he put together to show off the versatility of what he’s been able to accomplish with the instrument.

“The guys in the band won’t let me do that many solo tunes when I’m doing a band gig, bless their hearts,” he says. “So I do a couple of them in the show, but certainly while I have the chance to play with two great musicians, I’m going to let them plug away. What I’ve been doing is that I usually play the first

48

Stuart Hamm hams it up.

piece [from the suite], and then I ask for people in the crowd to yell out a number between two and seven and I play that piece of it.”

He says each piece of the solo bass suite is written with a different bass technique. One piece is all slapping, one is all tapping, one’s harmonics, one is chords, one is the blues.

“When I grew up, not that long ago, there really didn’t exist such a thing as solo bass or a slapping on the bass or tapping on the bass or harmonics and chords,” he explains. “Now, for bass players that are 15, you know, there’s this whole vocabulary technique that

throughout his career and a few “fun covers” rounding out the set.

Joel Taylor and Hamm had played with fusion guitarist Frank Gambale, and then Taylor has been out with jazz great Al Di Meola.

“He brings a nice sort of jazz [vibe],” Hamm says of Taylor. “You know, he’s great — he knows when as a drummer to join the conversation and sort of play off us and when he needs to, just lay down the funk or the rock and just keep the groove going. One thing I always tell the guys in the band is, ‘Listen to the recorded version, but when we play ‘Lone Star,’ I don’t want it to sound like Steve Smith on

STU HAMM TRIO FEATURING ALEX SKOLNICK 7 P.M. MONDAY, DEC. 7, NIGHTTOWN, 12387 CEDAR RD., CLEVELAND HEIGHTS 216-795-0550, TICKETS: $20, NIGHTTOWNCLEVELAND.COM.

they’re expected to have a handle on that just wasn’t around when I was learning how to play bass.

The suite is an attempt to create a catalog of music for the new art of the solo bass, and it’s also sort of a teaching tool to teach these techniques and show you how possibly can you make a solo bass piece interesting.”

Hamm relishes the chemistry and camaraderie that he shares with his bandmates and says the show will feature new music but also some “old favorites” from

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

drums and Eric Johnson on guitar. I want it to be this band’s version and interpretation of those songs.’”

Hamm employed a similar approach when it came to making his latest studio album, The Book of Lies.

“It’s a record of a bunch of songs that I was writing at the time and being a band leader, I think I’ve progressed, compositionally and as far as a producer of knowing the right guys,” he says. “For the song, ‘The Book of Lies,’ I sort of said, ‘I’m going to come up with my version

of [a song] based on sort of ‘Cissy Strut,’ [by the Meters], which is a single unison line, that we can play as a groove, but I want to get a sort of New Orleans feel.”

Something that comes to the surface while listening to The Book of Lies is that it’s an album that contains no shortage of variety. The album features plenty of solo bass but also band-driven pieces that are more built up. One thing that remains consistent is that each song retains an element of spontaneity that keeps the musical interactions pure.

“The idea is to have a record where people can put it on and for 50 minutes be engaged and enjoy it,” Hamm says. “If every song has the same instrument playing, the melody and then the solo and it’s the same instrumentation, after three or four songs, my ears are ready for a little bit of variation.”

For some music fans, their introduction to Hamm’s playing came through his work with guitar virtuosos Steve Vai and Joe Satriani, and it was a period of his career that would bring plenty of “exciting times.”

“Growing up listening to mostly instrumental music, stuff as diverse as Maynard Ferguson to Mahavishnu Orchestra to Brand X, it sort of seemed that with Steve and then with Joe, it was just sort of the next outgrowth of improvisational electric instrumental music with maybe a little bit more of a rock and metal and edge,” he says.

Currently, the veteran bassist is “heavily and deeply” working on demos for the follow-up to The Book of Lies and although he doesn’t divulge too much about the next album, it sounds like an intriguing project which will be very interesting to hear once he’s finished with it and if he has his way, there will be plenty for both your eyes and ears to enjoy — and if you like bass, this one’s for you.

“The next record is way, way different, man. It’s either going to do really well or people are going to hate it and it’s going to flop,” he says. “It’s a long involved story, but I’m taking a year to travel around the world, and it’s a solo bass record about my travels, and I’m writing a book to go with it, sort of what I’m going through. I have some really good ideas and some really interesting stuff that I’m recording.

It’s all just bass.”

jniesel@clevescene.com t @jniesel

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 49

LIVEWIRE

all the live music you should see this week Photo by John Nunu Zomot

WED

Liz Huff Christmas CD Release Party: A Cleveland Institute of Music graduate, local singersongwriter Liz Huff does a little bit of everything. She acts and she sings. Tonight, she celebrates the release of her new Christmas album at tonight’s show. Dubbed My Favorite Things: A Christmas Collection, the album commences with a somber rendition of “My Favorite Things” and then includes covers of seasonal favorites such as the traditional Irish song “Wexford Carol,” the Italian carol “Gesù Bambino” and the standard “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” The first release from Huff’s new label, Bossy Cat Music, and production company, Bossy Cat Productions, it features a slew of terrific musicians. Expect tonight’s concert to be particularly festive.

(Niesel), 7:30 p.m., $5. Brothers Lounge.

The At Odds Couple: An Evening of Acoustic Squeeze: Two of pop music’s sharpest songwriters, Chris Difford and Glenn Tilbrook wrote many of the hits associated with Squeeze. 8 p.m., $35-$60. Beachland Ballroom.

10 X 3 Hosted by Brent Kirby (in the Wine Bar): 8 p.m. Brothers Lounge.

August Burns Red/Every Time I Die/ Stick to Your Guns/Polyphia/Wage War: 6:30 p.m., $22 ADV, $25 DOS. House of Blues.

Michael Bolton: 7:30 p.m. Packard Music Hall.

Burn Halo/Black Tide/Sycamour: 6 p.m. Agora Ballroom.

Austin Walkin’ Cane (in the Supper Club): 7 p.m., $7. Music Box Supper Club.

A Freddy Cole Christmas: 7 p.m., $25. BLU Jazz+.

Happy Feet Night! Soul Dance & Squeeze After Party with DJ Alright & DJ Mr. Fishtruck: 10 p.m., Free. Beachland Tavern.

Morgan James/Celisse Henderson: 8 p.m., $15. Musica.

Twitching Tongues/Harms Way/ Homewrecker/Malace at the Palace: 7 p.m., $12 ADV, $15 DOS. Now That’s Class.

THU

12/3

The Pagans: Back in the ‘70s, the Pagans, one of Cleveland’s great, unheralded punk acts, issued a

50

Soul Music and Other Music for the Soul with DJ Lawrence Daniel Caswell: 6 p.m., Free. Happy Dog. JD Souther: 8 p.m., $20-$35. The Kent Stage.

Steve Hackett North American Tour 2015: 8 p.m. Hard Rock Rocksino.

Jeff Varga (in the Wine Bar): 8 p.m.

Brothers Lounge.

12/2

SAT

New Orleans Suspects bring Mardi Gras vibes to the Music Box. See: Sunday.

series of terrific singles. “What’s This Shit Called Love” (probably the band’s best known tune), “Street Where Nobody Lives,” “Haven’t Got the Time” and “I Juvenile” are all classics that reflect singer Mike Hudson’s disdain for the status quo.

Tonight, the group plays a rare local show. Given that Hudson has said this might be the band’s final tour, expect the band to impress with its raw power. (Niesel), 9 p.m.

Now That’s Class.

The Stampede: Donna The Buffalo, Peter Rowan, Ben Cohen: 8 p.m., $20 ADV, $30 DOS. The Kent Stage.

Austin Walkin’ Cane: 9 p.m., $5. The Euclid Tavern.

CMT on Tour: Suits & Boots with Brett Eldredge and Thomas Rhett: 7:30 p.m. Covelli Centre (Youngstown).

The Fleshtones/Archie & the Bunkers: 9 p.m., $8. Happy Dog. Hank Williams and Friends by Hillbilly Idol (in the Supper Club): 8 p.m., $7. Music Box Supper Club.

Chris Hatton’s Musical Circus (in the Wine Bar): 8 p.m. Brothers Lounge.

Jam Night with the Bad Boys of Blues: 9 p.m., Free. Brothers Lounge.

Jared and the Mill/Air Traffic Controller/The Gage Brothers: 8 p.m., $13 ADV, $15 DOS. Beachland Tavern.

DJ Chris Kulcsar: 5 p.m., Free.

Happy Dog. Packy Malley Presents Working Man’s Reggae Show with the Ark Band and Wildlife Sounds: 7 p.m., $5. Grog Shop.

Mannheim Steamroller Christmas: 7:30 p.m. E. J. Thomas Hall.

Hugh Masekela & Larry Willis: 8

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

p.m., $40. Nighttown.

Chris Potter Trio: 7 p.m., $20. BLU Jazz+.

Rocket From the Tombs/Obnox: 8:30 p.m., $17 ADV, $20 DOS. Beachland Ballroom.

The Yawpers: 9 p.m. Now That’s Class.

FRI

12/4

45 Spider/The Dyes: 9 p.m., $7 ADV, $10 DOS. Beachland Tavern.

Aku Aku/DCSA/Dad Shorts: 9 p.m., $5. Happy Dog. Beans/Obnox/Ghost Noises: 8 p.m., $12 ADV, $15 DOS. Mahall’s 20 Lanes.

Black Pistol Fire/Sweepyheads/The Shadow Division/Super Awesome Macho: 9 p.m., $8 ADV, $10 DOS. Grog Shop.

Sammy DeLeon Latin Jazz Sextet + Marilyn Rodriguez: 8:30 p.m., $15.

Nighttown.

Full Tilt: 9:30 p.m., $5. Brothers Lounge.

Into the Blue: Grateful Dead Revival Night: 9 p.m., $12. Beachland Ballroom.

Ivadell: 9 p.m., $5. The Euclid Tavern.

Jessica Hernandez & The Deltas/ White Buffalo Woman/Kenneth Smith: 8 p.m., $10. Musica.

JLRFF Cassette Release Party/ Asound/Fresh Produce/J Buckner (in the Locker Room): 9 p.m., $5.

Mahall’s 20 Lanes.

Dennis Lewin: 10:30 p.m., free.

Nighttown.

Lil’ Ed and the Blues Imperials (in the Supper Club): 8 p.m., $12 ADV, $14 DOS. Music Box Supper Club.

Chris Potter Trio: 7 p.m., $20. BLU Jazz+.

12/5

Jeff Klemm & the Letters Album Release/Hell & Highwater/Sancat: Local singer-songwriter Jeff “JCK” Klemm has spent the last decade touring and recording with the rock band Maid Myriad. Now, he’s announced he’ll release his first solo album, Burying the Shadows, on Dec. 11 through Diskette Records.

He has said the prog-inspired songs were written “in the grips of fever delirium and emotional crisis.” Klemm performed all the instruments on the record with the exception of two songs which feature Jake Porter, Colin Stevens and Tiernan King (of Klemm’s live band, the Letters). For tonight’s show, Klemm & the Letters will perform Burying the Shadows in its entirety. (Niesel), 9 p.m., $10.

Musica.

The Admirables: 9 p.m., $5. Happy Dog. All Keyed Up Dueling Piano Christmas Show: 9 p.m., $5. Vosh Club.

Falling in Reverse/Attila/Metro Station/Assuming We Survive: 6 p.m., $23-$75. Agora Ballroom.

Filmstrip/Hiram-Maxim/Public Squares/Blaka Watra: 9 p.m., $7.

Grog Shop.

Javon Jackson Featuring Dan Wilson: 7 p.m., $20. BLU Jazz+.

Carlos Jones and the P.L.U.S. Band: 10 p.m., $8. Brothers Lounge.

Brad Marin (in the Wine Bar): 8 p.m.

Brothers Lounge.

Motel Beds/Corduroy Season: 9 p.m., $5. The Euclid Tavern.

Ohio City Singers: 1 p.m., $12 ADV, $15 DOS. Music Box Supper Club.

Chris Potter: 8 p.m., $30. Nighttown.

“Put in Bay comes to Akron!” featuring Mike “Mad Dog” Adams & GUESTS: 2 p.m., $15. Musica.

Repeal Day with Mary’s Lane (in the Supper Club): 8 p.m., $8 ADV, $10 DOS. Music Box Supper Club.

The Seventh Annual Cleveland Metal Holiday Food Drive: 5 p.m., Free. Beachland Ballroom.

The Speedbumps: 8 p.m., $12 ADV,

SAT. DEC 12 • 7 & 9PM 2 SHOWS!

PETER NOONE

DIRECMT FRO VEGAS !

FRI-SAT-SUN • DEC 18-19-20 4 BIG SHOWS!

THE SCINTAS

CHRISTMAS SHOW

AND

HERMAN’S HERMITS

“An Olde English Christmas” THUR. DEC 31 •9PM

NEW YEAR’S EVE GOURMET APPETIZER BUFFET PERMIUM BAR SERVICE DANCE TO RETRO 80’S R&B DANCE GROUP

“GET ON UP”

Hotel & Shuttle Packages Available & much more. Call for Details.

SUN. JAN 17 • 7:30 PM • NEW DATE FOR MAYSA • SULTRY JAZZ R&B SINGER

MAYSA AND HER JAZZ-ROCK & SOUL ORCHESTRA

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 51

LIVEWIRE $16 DOS. The Kent Stage.

Travis Tritt: 8 p.m. Hard Rock Rocksino.

Tropical Cleveland: 9:30 p.m., $10 ADV, $15 DOS. Music Box Supper Club.

Jackie Warren: 10:30 p.m., free.

Nighttown.

SUN

12/6

New Orleans Suspects/Big Ship Trio: Relative newcomers on the NOLA scene, the New Orleans Suspects really began picking up nationwide acclaim but a few years ago. The band released Ouroboros last year, but it’s their eponymous album that still serves as their calling card.

Throughout, pianist CR Gruver takes center stage as a lead man.

He both drives the direction of the music and trades solo time with guitarist Jake Eckert and sax player Jeff Watkins (for example, “All the Money”). They’ve all managed to cook up some fine chemistry in their short time as a band, making their live show fun and funky in all the right ways. (Eric Sandy), 7 p.m., $22 ADV, $25 DOS. Music Box Supper Club.

Ciara: 8 p.m., $25 ADV, $28 DOS. House of Blues.

Freddy Cole Quartet: 8 p.m., $20.

Nighttown.

A Creole Christmas with Jeffery Broussard & the Creole Cowboys/ Mo’ Mojo Mini (in the Supper Club): 8 p.m., $18 ADV, $20 DOS. Music Box Supper Club.

Kopecky/Telamon/The HolyWalk: 7 p.m., $10. Musica.

Joe Marcinek Band/Roar: 8 p.m., $10.

Beachland Tavern.

Noise Lunch Curated by Paul Markus + Chris Bilecki: 4 p.m.

Now That’s Class.

Mike Petrone (in the Wine Bar): 5:30 p.m. Brothers Lounge.

Who Hit Me/Rosedale/Two Hands: 8:30 p.m., $6. Grog Shop.

George Winston: 8 p.m., $20-$40. The Kent Stage.

MON

12/7

Q104 Holiday Show starring Adam Lambert & Echosmith: 8 p.m., $39.50-$69.50. Connor Palace.

Skatch Anderson Orchestra: 8 p.m., $10. Brothers Lounge.

Stu Hamm Trio featuring Alex Skolnick: 7 p.m., $20. Nighttown.

Texas in July/Reflections/To the

52

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

Wind/Invent, Animate: 6 p.m., $12.48. Agora Ballroom.

Velvet Voyage (in the Wine Bar): 8 p.m. Brothers Lounge.

Luke Winslow-King: 8:30 p.m., $9 ADV, $12 DOS. Beachland Tavern.

TUE

12/8

An Evening with Marbin: Chicagobased prog outfit Marbin has been picking up acclaim on the national circuit, via both unique musical talents and a drive that’s resulted in more than 1,000 shows in just the past few years alone. This fall’s release, Aggressive Hippies, really does come off like a jazz cigarette-smoking lounge cat on ‘roids. Listen, Marbin writes and performs complex music. Take “African Shabtay,” for instance: Here, the musicians wind through disorienting dynamics and string together an instrumental narrative led by soprano sax player Danny Markovitch Slor. This is all pretty danceable stuff, too, so do bring your fine sense of motion and groove to tonight’s show. (Sandy), 8:30 p.m., $7. Beachland Tavern.

The Revivalists/Burning River Ramblers: I can’t decide if you’re better off smoking a cigarette in a dark room or dancing ‘neath neon lights while The Revivalists’ latest album, Men Amongst Mountains, plays. Either way works, I suppose.

This is a soulful album, one that strains the band’s New Orleansbased perspectives on music through the more straightforward and accessible rhythms of, say, Alabama Shakes or Tedeschi Trucks Band -- all good stuff. Here, the songwriting shines. Singer David Shaw, who takes lead writing credit on most tunes, laid his best efforts yet on this one. (See “It Was a Sin,” a towering anthem of heartbreak and dissolution.) (Sandy), 8 p.m., $17 ADV, $20 DOS. Beachland Ballroom.

The Arcs: Yours, Dreamily: 7:30 p.m., $32.50-$39.50. Akron Civic Theatre.

Stevie Stone/Pioneer: 6 p.m., $8.40.

Agora Ballroom.

Joe Fletcher: 8 p.m., $8-$10. Mahall’s 20 Lanes.

Jane Getter All-Star Premonition: 7 p.m., $20. Nighttown.

Two-Set Tuesday Featuring Jim Keserich: 7 p.m. Brothers Lounge.

Dan Zola Orchestra Big Band: 7:30 p.m., $10. Vosh Club.

scene@clevescene.com t@cleveland_scene

HAPPY HOUR

M-F • 3-7PM & ALL DAY SUN $1 OFF ALL DRINKS

LIVE ENTERTAINMENT

Fri. December 4

THE SPAZMATICS 9:00pm

Sat. December 5

CHRISTMAS SHOW!

ALL KEYED UP

11609 DETROIT AVE CLEVELAND 216.226.2767 | brotherslounge.com LIKE US:

CHECK OUT OUR MENU! ‘BEST OF THE WEST’ WINNER! TONIGHT! WED 12/2 • 7:00

LIZ HUFF CHRISTMAS

CD RELEASE PARTY FRI 12/4 • 9:30

FULL TILT BROTHER’S DEBUT

SAT 12/5 • 5:00

ROCK FOR TOTS DUELING PIANOS 9:00pm

Tues. December 8

CHRISTMAS SHOW!

TOYS FOR TOTS FUNDRAISER ADM: 1 NEW UNWRAPPED TOY AND LATER AT 10:00

CARLOS JONES & THE P.L.U.S. BAND SUN 12/6 • 3:00

DAN ZOLA ORCHESTRA

CLEV IMPROV GROUP

CHRISTMAS SHOW!

SKATCH ANDERSSEN ORCHESTRA 8:00

WED 12/9 • 8:00

COMEDY NIGHT

7:30pm Thurs. December 10

Hosted By MIKE FARRELL MON • WING NIGHT 5:00-10:00

JOHNATHAN HOOPER

(Big Band Jazz)

JAZZ TRIO 7:00pm

Fri. December 11

TUE • SUSHI NIGHT 5:00-10:00 WED • $5 BURGER NIGHT 5:00-10:00 THURS • PRIME RIB 5:00-10:00

LADIES NIGHT

7:00PM-2:30AM $4 WINE • MARTINIS • CHAMPAGNE

BAD BOYS OF BLUES JAM NIGHT 9:00

WINE BAR FRI 12/4• 8:00

JEFF VARGA

9:00pm

SAT 12/5 • 8:00

BRAD MARIN

Tues. December 15

EVERY SUNDAY • 5:30

SWING CITY

EVERY MONDAY - JAZZ

CHRISTMAS SHOW! BIG BAND 7:30pm

Fri. Dec 18 & Sat Dec 19

MIKE PETRONE

VELVET VOYAGE 8:00

TUES 12/8 2 SET TUESDAY 7:00 & 9:00

JIM KESERICH

st the Bee liv s!

Band

BOOK YOUR pRivate OR cOmpanY hOlidaY chRistmas paRtY heRe in OUR inFinitY ROOm

tOdaY FOR FRee! ReseRve nOW! call FOR availaBilitY timewarpbar.com pinBall • BiG Ball BOWlinG BiG Bass FishinG • BilliaRds WsOp heads Up pOKeR’ shUFFle pUcK GOlden tee On 60” hdtv pOWeR pUtt On 50” hdtv nBa Jam On 50” hdtv pacman/GalaGa sUpeR maRiO BROs.

piZZa • salads • calZOnes specialtY mac & cheese stOne pies

EVERY WEDNESDAY • 8:00 10 X 3 SINGER-SONGWRITER SHOWCASE W/BRENT KIRBY Great music, food and drink Book your special events with us.

1414 RIVERSIDE DRIVE LAKEWOOD 216-767-5202 • Voshclub.com

contact: harvesttownmusic@gmail.com

EVERY THURSDAY • 8:00

CHRIS HATTON’S MUSICAL CIRCUS

ALL GENRES • ALL STYLES

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 53

b a r k i n g s p i d e r t a ve r n . c o m

LIVE MUSIC

NO COVER

HAVE A PICNIC, RELAX & ENJOY

Thursday December 3 Sommerfugl 8:00 (folk, rock) SpYder Stompers & Sugar Pie 10:00 (americana)

A Tribute to Ol’ Blue Eyes

Frank Turns 100!

Home of the NFL Sunday Ticket

7:30pm & 9:30pm Tickets $30

• COMING SOON • Dec. 4th

Saturday, December 12th

The Dom & Russ Holiday Show

Out of Eden A Tribute To The Eagles

Dec. 11th

Friday, December 4th

Shout

8pm | Tickets $20

Dec. 12th

Red Satin Holiday Cabaret Holiday

Custard Pie

7:30pm | Tickets $15

Frank & Dean

Cherie Blondell & Betty LeRoux

Saturday, December 19th 8pm | Tickets $15

Enjoy A Free Buffet!

SAT

FRI

Tickets and VIP Wine Packages available for all shows at www.alextheatercleveland.com

Join Us For Our First Christmas Party Featuring Time Warp!

MON

Featuring

Happy Hour 3-7

TUES

Girls, Gags & Giggles Show

2017 E. 9th STREET CLEVELAND, OH 44115 For Tickets & Information please visit:

www.alextheatercleveland.com 54

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

Saturday December 5 Anita Keys & Friends 8:00 (folk, rock) Bill Lestock 10:00 (original string)

Sunday November 6 Nostalgia Factor 3:00 (jazz standards) Hot Potatoes 6:00 (swing, jazz) 11310 JUNIPER RD., CLEVELAND • 216.421.2863

Sit down with your guests.

Advertise with SCENE. Call 216-241-7550 for more information.

Dec. 13th

THURS WED

Friday, December 18th

Friday December 4 George Foley & Friends 5:30 (jazz) Roundtooits 8:00 (rock) Tom Shaper & Friends 10:00 (blues, rock)

50¢ Wing Night BABY BACK RIBS

4630 Ridge Road Brooklyn, Ohio 44144

216-749-5509

www.agostinos.events Formerly Ridge Manor Banquet Center

12/10

Holiday Mixer

NetworkiNg diNNer

HALF-$7.99 / FULL-$12.99

Networking • Libations • Dinner Dancing • Entertainment

8oz Bacon Wrapped Filet $5.99

12/17

All You Can Eat Crab Legs $38 Lake Erie Perch and Homemade Pierogi

Prime Rib

12oz. $11.99 | 16oz. $16.99

LOCATED IN THE MARC’S PLAZA 7979 BROADVIEW ROAD, BROADVIEW HTS. OHIO

440-627-6980

Holiday wiNe tastiNg 12/20

Breakfast witH saNta 12/31

New year’s eve Masquerade Ball learn More at www.agostinos.events

$1 pints $5 mules HAPPY HOUR

till 8p

m DAI

LY

BOOK YOUR PARTY TODAY FOR FREE. BACHELORETTE, CORPORATE, BIRTHDAY OR ANY OCCASION.

GO TO TIMEWARPBAR.COM FOR RESERVATIONS

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 5

W/ DAVE BROOKS

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 55

BAND OF THE WEEK •Vaporizers + Smoking Accessories •e-Cigarettes + e-Juice •Kratom + Herbal Supplements •Hookahs + Shisha •Record Players + Thousands of Lp’s •Gauges + Body Jewelry •T-shirts + Sunglasses

Photo courtesy of Fire Records

ROCKET FROM THE TOMBS

By Jeff Niesel MEET THE BAND Crocus Behemoth (vocals), Gary Siperko (guitar, vocals), Buddy Akita (guitar), Craig Bell (bass, vocals), Steve Mehlman (drums, vocals)

BOP STOP

Winner Of

2015 Scene Magazine Best Jazz Club & 2014 Fox 8 Best Nightspot

12/4

12/5

Sam BlakeSlee large group

Harry BacHaracH

8pm | $15

8pm | $10

12/6 cHicago gypSy Jazz all StarS

12/7 Daniel lippel (ice) anD aiDan plank

12/8 true nortH Big BanD

8pm | $10

8pm | $10

8pm | $10

12/10 BraD myerS Quartet

12/11 revolution BraSS BanD

12/12 comeon people Dance party

8pm | $10

8pm | $10

9pm | Free

12/13 BraHmS BruncH

12/15 nortH coaSt winDS

12/16 prime time Big BanD

witH roBert caSSiDy anD mari Sato 11am | $10

8pm | Free

8pm | $10

Bar sales directly support The Music Settlement and its many programs.

Food provided by Cleveland Culinary Launch and Kitchen!

56

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

BLAST FROM THE PAST Even though the proto-punk act Rocket from the Tombs only played around Cleveland for about a year in the ’70s before dissolving and then essentially spawning Pere Ubu and the Dead Boys, the band left a huge impression. Led by burly singer David Thomas, a former Scene writer who calls himself Crocus Behemoth, the band has evolved since those early days when the original line-up featured guitarist Peter Laughner, an iconic punk figure who died in 1977, guitarist Cheetah Chrome, and drummer Johnny Blitz.

A LIVING LEGACY While the group never recorded a studio album, songs such as “Sonic Reducer,” “30 Seconds over Tokyo,” and “Final Solution” ended up in the repertoires of the band’s offshoots and became underground hits. The band officially reconvened in 2003 when it regrouped to play the Thomas-curated Disasterdrome concert at UCLA. RFTT has steadily toured and recorded ever since. Though Thomas now lives in the UK, the current line-up features a number of Clevelanders, including Siperko and Akita. “They have a very simpatico relationship,” says Thomas when asked about the two axeslingers.

“It’s powerful to have two guitarists so locked into each other and at the same time be so different from each other.

There’s no distinction between who

plays rhythm and who plays lead. It’s just this ferocious mix.”

THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT SUMA The band started writing tunes for its new album, The Black Record, back in 2012. It holed up at Suma Recording in Painesville to record the songs with engineer Paul Hamann. “My way of working with Rocket is shock treatment,” says Thomas. “You send them in to punch a hole in the wall. I love it. It’s one chord and you go. It’s the whole [Pere Ubu’s] Tom Herman guitar rule. He used to say, ‘The best guitar part is the one that requires you to move your fingers the least.’”

WHY YOU SHOULD HEAR THEM Album opener “Waiting for the Sun” features guttural vocals and sinewy guitar riffs as Thomas croons, “you’re no friend of mine.” The song recalls the best ’70s post-punk as does the hard-rocking “Welcome to the Dark Ages.” All in all, the songs contain a simmering intensity that’s intrinsic to everything associated with Thomas, who also fronts Pere Ubu. WHERE YOU CAN HEAR THEM facebook.com/rocketfromthetombs.

WHERE YOU CAN SEE THEM Rocket from the Tombs performs with Obnox at 8:30 p.m. on Thursday, Dec. 3, at the Beachland Ballroom.

jniesel@clevescene.com t@jniesel

OHIO’S AWARD-WINNING GAMING, DINING AND ENTERTAINMENT DESTINATION

FOR A COMPLETE LIST OF PERFORMANCES AND SHOWTIMES, VISIT HRRNP.COM.

DECEMBER 5

DECEMBER 10

DECEMBER 12

DECEMBER 13

DECEMBER 19 & 20

DECEMBER 26

LIVE MUSIC • COMEDY

•

DINING • Hard Rock Live: Final Say • Club Velvet: Clevelan d’s own Pete George • Dining at Kosar’s, Fre sh Harvest Buffet and Hard Rock Cafe • 200,000 square feet of PARTY!

FOR DETAILS VISIT HRRN

P.COM

x homegr FEATURED ARTIST OF THE WEEK

own

wqm

PRESENTS

at

ck!

Christian Kaser

hard ro

EVERY THURSDAY • 7PM

ROCKIN’ COUNTRY NIGHTS FEATURING CHRISTIAN KASER

Live music, DJ and line dancing instructors!

FREE ADMISSION!

DECEMBER 21 & 22

DECEMBER 26 - 30

The PopTarts present: “I’m Wishing For A Cleveland Christmas” A Retro ‘60s Holiday Extravaganza. See In Person: Mr. Jingeling Halle’s Santa Claus Twigbee Shop Elves.

As seen on Comedy Central’s “LIVE AT GOTHAM.” Ryan is a regular on the nationally syndicated, “Bob and Tom Radio Show” and Sirius XM’s “RawDog” comedy channel.

THE POP TARTS

Proceeds benefit UH Rainbow Babies & Children’s Hospital.

RYAN DALTON

TICKETS AVAILABLE ON TICKETMASTER.COM AND AT THE ROCKSINO BOX OFFICE, OPEN DAILY FROM 1PM - 9PM. 10777 NORTHFIELD ROAD | NORTHFIELD, OHIO 44067 | HRRNP.COM | 330.908.7625 ALL SHOWS 21 & OVER

SCHEDULE SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE. FOR FREE, CONFIDENTIAL HELP 24/7, CALL THE OHIO PROBLEM GAMBLING HELPLINE AT 1.800.598.9966

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 57

2 Domestics $ 00

mon-sat 2-8pm open sundays @ 7pm

no Cover!

Full Kitchen open Daily

Great FooD! saturday 3-9pm

$5.99 steak Dinner 2 Drink Minimum • Dine In only

Join Your Favorite entertainer in our

Private vIP Lounge

12820 brookpark rd. @ w. 130th | 216-458-1131 open: mon-sat 2:00Pm-2:30am | sUnDaY 7:00Pm - 2:30am

58

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 59

SAVAGE LOVE THE SISTER ACT

By Dan Savage

Find your happy hour.

Download SCENE’s official happy hour app! clevescene.com/happyhours

REAL PEOPLE REAL DESIRE REAL FUN

CHATLINE TM

216.377.6292

Try for FREE

Ahora en Español

For More Local Numbers: 1.800.926.6000 www.livelinks.com

60

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

Teligence/18+

Dear Dan, I’m a straight female in my mid 20s. I’ve been dating a wonderful guy for two years—but I recently found something that has put me on edge. Before we met, he was in a relationship with a terrible, alcoholic, and mentally unstable woman.

They got pregnant early in the relationship and stayed together for about five years.

We met a year after they broke up. I felt like I’d come to terms with the ugliness of his past, with his trying to stay in a bad relationship for the sake of his child and the rest of it.

But recently, thanks to the vastness of the internet, I came across a suggestive photo of my boyfriend with his ex’s sister. I asked him about it, and he admitted to sleeping with her while he was with his ex. He says it was during a particularly bad period, he was very drunk, she made the first move, etc., but I’m just so grossed out. Cheating is one thing, but fucking your girlfriend’s sister? And it’s not like this was a 19-yearold’s mistake; he was near 30 and the father of a child.

He also fudged a little about whether it was just one time or a few times. I feel like now I’m questioning his integrity. This is something that I wouldn’t have thought him capable of doing. What do I do?

—All Twisted Up What do you do? You ask yourself if you believe your boyfriend when he says fucking his then-girlfriend’s sister was a mistake, ATU, one he deeply regrets, and one he never intends to repeat. If you can’t be romantically involved with someone capable of doing such a terrible sister-fucking thing, the question is a rhetorical one. You’ll have to end the relationship regardless of the answer. But if you could stay with someone capable of doing such a terrible sister-fucking thing, and if you believe your

boyfriend when he says it was a mistake, one he regrets, and won’t happen again, then you stay in the relationship.

And when your find yourself feeling squicked out by the knowledge that your boyfriend fucked around on his previous girlfriend with her own sister, you remind yourself that good and decent people sometimes do shitty, indecent, sister-fuckingish things—and then you pause to consider all the shitty and/ or indecent things you’ve done in your life, ATU, some, most, or all of which your boyfriend presumably remains blissfully unaware of.

It’s too bad that suggestive/ incriminating photo is rattling around out there in the vastness of the internet, ATU, but I’m curious about how exactly you “came across” it in the first place. If you went looking for dirt—if you were snooping—you found it. Congrats. I’m not against snooping in all instances.

People often find out shit they had both a right and an urgent need to know: the BF/ GF/NBF*/fiancé/spouse is cheating in a way that puts you at risk, they’re running up ruinous debts, they’re hiding a secret second family, they’re attending Donald Trump rallies, etc. But just as often, we find out shit we didn’t need to know—something in the BF/GF/NBF’s past, something they regret, something they’ll never do again (do you even have a sister?) —and can never unknow.

You learned that your boyfriend did something pretty fucked up. Whether you decide to stay or go, ATU, remember that you snoop at your own risk—sorry, remember that you explore “the vastness of the internet” at your own risk. * Nonbinary friend.

ADULT MASSAGE SET YOURSELF FREE WITH ME I will put you at ease.

38-d 5’8” 135IB 24/hr IN/OUT Alecia 216-240-3254

FIND YOUR SOUL MATE!

Call FREE! 216-377-6300 or 800-777-8000 18+ www.guyspyvoice.com

712-432-7968 18+ Normal LD Applies

HOT LOCAL URBAN SINGLES!

FREE SEX-SLGBT

A MOUNTED “MAN TO MAN” MASSAGE *HOTEL DISCOUNTS*

HOT LOCAL SINGLES 1-800-LET-CHAT (538-2428) Check it out-browse FREE Then just 20 cents p/m 18+

Let a man rub you down like only a man can! Full Body/ Full Service “Man to Man” Massage given by hot naked masculine white dude. 24 HRS Hotel & house calls welcome or stop by my Massage Studio. Versatile any scene. 2 guys also available. Low Rates. Well equipped and ready to play... Call 216-491-4501

Are looking to hook up now!

Try it FREE! 18+ 216.367.1010 / 440.424.0303 www.metrovibechatline.com

FUN SEXY SINGLES

LOCAL LESBIAN SINGLES

Send Message FREE! 216-912-2222 Use FREE Code 3229, 18+

Reply to Ads FREE! 216-912-6000 FREE Code 2643, 18+

FREE

HOT SEXY LATINA’S

& BUSTY BLONDE BOMBSHELLS Available for professional discreet fun nude massage in-call / out-call 216-673-0909

1-712-432-2277 24 / 7 C H AT L I N E

ADULT HELP WANTED DANCERS WANTED

S LG BT • L D A p p l i e s • 1 8 +

1335 Brittain Rd. Akron No tip outs for House Mom & DJ APPLY IN PERSON

CHOOSE FROM: Busty Blondes, Ebony Hotties, Hot Coeds & Older Ladies 866-515-FOXY (3699) Only $10 per Call

Hot Guys! Hot Chat! Hot Fun!

FREE PARTYLINE

ADULT SERVICES

PHONE LINES $10 BEST PHONE SEX

Gay & Bi Local Chat!

1-708-613-2103 Normal LD Applies 18+

Call 216-377-6303 or 800-811-1633 Try FREE! www.vibeline.com

JOIN THE PARTY!

Browse, Chat, Connect for FREE!

TALK SALAD

317-644-4305

$10 Buck Phone Sex

Live 1 on 1 1-877-919-EASY (3279) 18+

Mix it up with a

LD rates apply 18+ www.TheEdgeChat.com

Party Chat Line

Ultra Wild Chat

317-644-4308 M4M Chat Line

317-644-4310

100’s OF SEXY LATINO SINGLES Meet Hot Latin Locals!

Get your FREE trial! 18+ 216.626.7777 440.325.7777 www.questchat.com

ALL KINDS OF SINGLES Straight 216-912-2222 Curious 216-912-6000 FREE Code 3227, 18+

CALL NOW, MEET TONIGHT! FREE to try! 18+ 216.626.7777 / 440.325.7777 Other Cities: 1.888.257.5757 www.questchat.com

EXPLICIT CHAT WITH SEXY LOCALS

Get your FREE TRIAL! 18+ CALL The Night Exchange NOW! 216.502.4388 / 440.499.6400 www.nightexchange.com

FREE TO LISTEN AND REPLY TO ADS Free Code: Cleveland Scene

FIND REAL GAY MEN NEAR YOU Cleveland:

(216) 912-6000 www.megamates.com 18+

Your premier choice for classy & fun entertainment providing firstrate entertainment for all occasion, including a wet & wild bachelor parties, divorce parties, birthday celebrations & retirement parties!

Whatever the reason is that you request our services, rest assured that we have what you’re looking for! Our carefully selected adorable playmates cater to any occasion! We offer a diverse selection of exotic, classy, sophisticated & gorgeous ladies for you to choose from.

Akron:

(330) 315-3000 Canton:

(330) 437-0100

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 61

FREE TRIAL

Discreet Chat Guy to Guy

216.626.0320

Heat Up Your Night On RedHot

Merchandise For Sale

WE BUY OLD ROCK CONCERT T-SHIRTS

1814 Coventry Rd, Cleveland Hts. 216-371-4386

Announcements/Notices YOUNG ADULTS WANTED

216.377.6290 More Local Numbers: 1.800.700.6666 18+ redhotdateline.com

Young men & women are wanted for a study on health-related behaviors.

Participants must be ages 18-20.

Earn up to $200 if eligible!

Visit http://depts.washington.edu/ uwepic/ or email Project EPIC at UWepic@ uw.edu for more information.

Professional Services AUTO INSURANCE

Dating made Easy

SR22/Bond Bad Driving Record BEST PRICES DAVID YOUNG INSURANCE 440-779-9800

UNCONTESTED DIVORCE

Cleveland

216.912.2222

For other local numbers:

18+ www.MegaMates.com

minerals and other oil & gas interests. Send details P.O. Box 13557, Denver, CO 80201

Professional Services THE OCEAN CORP.

10840 Rockley Road, Houston, Texas 77099. Train for a New Career. *Underwater Welder. *Commercial Diver. *NDT/Weld Inspector. Job Placement Assistance. Financial Aid available for those who qualify.

800-321-0298.

ELBUR AVE. APARTMENTS

13540 Detroit Ave. Spacious 1-2 bedroom apts Vintage Bldg Private tree lined street Off street parking Heat & Water included Park like setting New Energy Efficient Windows Cats & Small Dogs are welcome call 216-392-5384 for details ***some restrictions apply*****

Help Wanted BARTENDER NEEDED

Rentals: West/Suburbs

216-.621.4100

LAKEWOOD CLIFFS APARTMENTS

Massage - Certified CARING MASSAGE

Days & Evenings, weekends.

Warm candlelight atmosphere.

Lakewood/West Suburbs Linda 216-221-5935

MASSAGE FOR COUPLES/ SINGLES

By certified husband & wife.

Scented candles, romantic music.

Our place or yours. $40 intro. spec.

330-741-0001

BROOKSIDE OVAL APARTMENT-

Located on Park Fulton Oval near the Cleveland Metroparks! 216-3516936 Choose from any of our newly remodeled 1 & 2 bdrm apartments, all w/ modern kitchens & bathrooms.

All feature air-conditioning & Garage parking also available. Brookside is located close to I-480, I-71, and I-90, just minutes from downtown

Real Estate: East/Suburbs EUCLID FOR SALE BY OWNER

Nestled near 260th & Lakeshore this unique 1920’s historical property is perfect for the savvy investor. This beautiful 9 bdrm home features 3 full baths & a basement, & has a solid structure.

New electric, roofing, siding & windows have recently been installed, newer lighting spacious and beautiful. Formerly zoned commercial now is zoned two family.

Grants may be available for historical renovations.

Asking $ 156,900. Please contact Barbara to view this unique property.

Barbara 216-647-1973 babs4445@ gmail.com

Find your happy hour.

Download SCENE’s official happy hour app! clevescene.com/happyhours

Apply at Nolan’s Bar 14206 Lorain Ave. Across from Burger King

$195 Plus Filing Fee, Attorney

FREE

to Listen & Reply to ads.

FREE CODE: Cleveland Scene

The Touch Your Body Deserves Experience The Touch !!!

3834 W.140St. Cleve,OH,44111 (216)322-7895 Mon-Fri, 12-10pm, Sat-Sun 1-7pm

Cleveland. Come home to the beautiful park-like setting of Brookside Apartments! You’ll be happy to call Brookside home.

Bulletin Board WANTS TO PURCHASE

BIG FUN

TRY FORE FRE

Massage - Licensced REAL EYES RELAXATION

18900 Detroit Extension Newly Renovated 1-2 Bedroom Apts Heat & Water Included Updated Laundry on Site Off Street Parking Air Conditioning Secure Entry Lake and Park Views Call for our Specials 216-392-5384 *****some restrictions apply*****

CASH PAID FOR ALL JUNK CARS

WISH YOU WERE HERE. MISSED EVENT? We’reANhiring.

CATCH UP WITH SLIDESHOWS. CHECK OUT OPENINGS ONLY AT CLEVESCENE.COM AT CLEVESCENE.COM SCENE

We pay cash for junk or unwanted cars.

We tow them for free!

440-231-8114 Rich Meet sexy friends who really get your vibe...

Try FREE: 216-377-6303 More Local Numbers: 1-800-811-1633

vibeline.com 18+

FREE TRIAL

62

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015

Discreet Chat Guy to Guy

216.626.0320

magazine | clevescene.com | December 2 - 8, 2015 63

BUY YOUR DREAM HOME!!! Plus Get Up To $100k + More* (for new kitchen, new roof, new carpet, appliances, paint, basement waterproofing, windows, heating & cooling)*

NEVER EVER EVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO BUY A HOME!!!

Great Low Fixed Interest Rates* When your dreams come true... our dreams come true!!!

440.342.7355 (SELL) To Buy...or Sell

Call Grizzell *Some restrictions may apply *for those who qualify... we consider...

good credit • bad credit • bankruptcy

Cleveland’s Best Toy Store.

NOW OPEN : HOLIDAY POP-UP SHOP

11512 Clifton Ave. | OPEN NOW - JAN 3rd Gifts for all ages, Cleveland Souvenirs, T- Shirts, Gag Gifts, Greeting Cards.

Come see what everyone is talking about. Cash for Old Toys, Legos, Star Wars, GI Joes, Transformers, Hot Wheels, NINTENDO, Action Figs Rock Concert T-shirts • WE BUY SELL TRADE!

WE BUY & SELL OLD TOYS

1814 Coventry Road | Cleveland Hts (216) 371-4386 Facebook: bigfuntoystore | www.bigfuntoystore.com

LeGo H sTar Wars H GI Joe

Be A Sales SuperStar

H LeGo H rock concerT T-sHIrTs

FREE MONEY!!!

DOWN PAYMENT PROGRAM*

H Transformers & He-man H

HOME BUYERS!!!

at

Digital is the Future / The Future Is Now

Career Opportunity!! Window Nation

You are: experienced & have a full e-Rolodex.

You’re committed to being the best. You’re up for a challenge and aren’t easily deterred.

Now hiring Outside Appointment Setters for our Cleveland and Twinsburg, Ohio locations. This is a Full Time 40 hours per week position, must be able to work weekends early shift. Base salary plus bi-weekly bonuses usually average 600$ to 900$ per week.

Full Benefits (401K,medical, paid vacation and holidays)

If you’re the one, convince us; send resume & cover letter to: awesomejobs@owownow.com.

Call Bill at 216-903-1744 for immediate interview or email resume to Careers@windownation.com

oWOW seeks two Radio/Digital salespeople.

oWOW is Cleveland’s Timeless Rock Music Station, playing the greatest music of the past and present.

REAL Disability Lawyers

No Fee ‘til You Win Social Security SSI • Private Insurance A T T O R N E Y S

A T

Gregory Kordic Katherine Braun

(216) 621- 6684

CONSIGNMENT FURNITURE

GET RELEASED WITH POLYNICE

216-404-6601 | 216-961-1967

5400 HERMAN AVE. CLEVELAND, OH 44102

L A W

820 West Superior Avenue, Suite 100 Cleveland, Ohio 44113