Scene, April 6, 2022

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CONTENTS APRIL 6-19, 2022 • VOL. 52 NO 20

Upfront .......................................7

Eat ............................................ 27

Feature ..................................... 10

Music ........................................ 31

Get Out .....................................24

Savage Love .............................. 39

Dedicated to Free Times founder Richard H. Siegel (1935-1993) and Scene founder Richard Kabat Publisher Andrew Zelman Editor Vince Grzegorek Editorial Music Editor Jeff Niesel Senior Writer Sam Allard Staff Writer Brett Zelman Dining Editor Douglas Trattner Visual Arts Writer Shawn Mishak Stage Editor Christine Howey Advertising Senior Multimedia Account Executive John Crobar, Shayne Rose Creative Services Production Manager Sean Bieri Editorial Layout Evan Sult Graphic Designer Aspen Smit Staff Photographer Emanuel Wallace Business

Euclid Media Group Chief Executive Officer Andrew Zelman Chief Operating Officers Chris Keating, Michael Wagner VP Digital Services Stacy Volhein Digital Operations Coordinator Jaime Monzon www.euclidmediagroup.com National Advertising Voice Media Group 1-800-278-9866, vmgadvertising.com

REWIND: 2000 Two decades later, some of the same folks are still making news in Cleveland.

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“Cleveland Scene Magazine” COVER ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN KIRSCHBAUM

April 6-19, 2022 | clevescene.com |

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Photo Courtesy Port of Cleveland

UPFRONT BUDISH APPOINTS WONDOLOWSKI TO PORT BOARD AFTER BIBB JUST REPLACED HIM THOUGH CLEVELAND MAYOR Justin Bibb publicly chose not to reappoint labor leader Dave Wondolowski to the ClevelandCuyahoga County Port Authority board of directors, County Executive Armond Budish has now nominated him to replace another member in the middle of her term.

In an April 1 letter to County Council President Pernel Jones obtained by Scene, Budish nominated Wondolowski for a seat currently occupied by local attorney Jan Roller. Roller is one of three board members, (out of the body’s total nine), appointed by the county executive.

Roller was first appointed in 2012 and reappointed in 2016. Though she is serving a current four-year term that began on Oct 1. 2020 and runs through Sep. 30, 2024, she was not reappointed in 2020. The term is therefore technically unfilled. Roller is a Cleveland resident and was a prominent supporter of Justin Bibb in the 2021 mayoral race.

The letter from Budish provided no additional details on the context or rationale for the appointment, saying only that Wondolowski was a resident of Broadview Heights (a resident and elector of Cuyahoga County), and that there were no known conflicts of interest that would complicate his appointment.

Roller was not immediately available for comment. A county spokeswoman was unable to say whether Roller had intended to resign or whether Budish asked her to step aside to make way for Wondolowski. A City of Cleveland spokeswoman said only that the appointment was the executive’s to make and that the Bibb administration had no additional comment.

Until his own term expired at the end of January, Wondolowski served

as Vice Chair on the Port’s board.

The body oversees both the maritime operations in the Cleveland harbor and supports major infrastructure and economic development projects through its financing arm.

Wondolowski was appointed to his four-year term by Mayor Frank Jackson in 2018.

Wondolowski works by day as the head of the Cleveland Building and Construction Trades Council. But he was also a provocative surrogate for former City Council President Kevin Kelley during the 2021 mayoral campaign. He was in fact responsible for some of the most hostile rhetoric in the leadup to the general election, calling on voters at a Kelley campaign rally to “kick the shit out of” Bibb on election day.

Shortly after he won in November, Bibb made it clear that he wouldn’t ask Wondolowski to serve another term at the Port, a decision Wondolowski understood as a natural byproduct of his opposing political allegiances.

Bibb appointed Dan O’Malley, Executive Secretary of the AFL-CIO, to replace Wondolowski, keeping a labor representative on the board.

O’Malley even resigned his city council presidency in Lakewood in order to accept the post, to avoid a conflict of interest.

Budish’s appointment of Wondolowski, mere weeks after Bibb showed him the door, has already been interpreted by some watchers as a slap in the face to the young mayor. This is not, however, the first time Budish has used a board appointment as a political weapon.

Just last year, after Chris Ronayne announced that he would run for Cuyahoga County Executive, Budish removed him from the Port Board and replaced him with local businessman Andrew Jackson.

-Sam Allard

Public Square Bollard Project to Replace Jersey Barriers Now Estimated at $3.5 Million The all-in budget for a project to replace the “temporary” concrete Jersey barriers on Public Square with a system of removable bollards is now $3.5 million. According to the project managers at the Group Plan Commission, the nonprofit that manages Public Square, the scope of work will also include repairing street damage on Superior Avenue sustained through five years of concentrated bus traffic.

The new all-in figure, disclosed last week at a meeting of the Greater Cleveland Regional Transit Authority (RTA) board of trustees, is $500,000 higher than the $3 million budget referenced in legislation currently under consideration by Cleveland City Council. If passed, that legislation would authorize the city to spend $1.5 million on the project and modify an existing contract with the Group Plan Commission to conduct the work.

Representatives from the Group Plan Commission outlined the project scope and provided additional details at the board meeting. They said that RTA will be asked to

contribute $500,000 toward the project’s funding goal.

“With the city’s contribution, that would get us to $2 million,” said Sanaa Julien, CEO of the Group Plan Commission. “And we are actively fundraising with proposals in market for the balance.”

Julien said that the project budget takes into account a number of “nuances,” not least the so-called “Covid premium” affecting the global supply chain. Julien said, nevertheless, that she expected the project to ultimately cost less than $3.5 million, and that the Group Plan Commission would use whatever remained for ongoing bollard maintenance and repairs, as well as other Public Square operational costs.

RTA’s Deputy General Manager for Engineering, Mike Schipper, provided commentary on the project as well. He could hardly contain his disdain for the so-called “temporary measures” that have been in place on the Square since 2017, mandated by former Mayor Frank Jackson to assuage his debunked concerns about terrorism.

RTA has been working behind the scenes to come up with permanent solutions, Schipper said, because the jersey barriers have been an ongoing irritant for bus operations. They’ve April 6-19, 2022 | clevescene.com |

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UPFRONT wasted time and money and cause disruption of service every time they’re moved. Sanaa Julien said that it cost $15,000 to remove the barriers for St. Patrick’s Day earlier this month, for example, and that the Group Plan Commission incurred additional costs.

When Superior Avenue is closed through the Square, according to RTA COO Floun’say Caver, the system’s on-time performance falls by five percent.

“If we don’t get out of downtown on time,” he said. “We can never catch up west of the river. From an operational standpoint, the link between Superior Avenue and Public Square is tremendously important to our system.”

Bearing that in mind, Schipper said that ideally, street repair and

DIGIT WIDGET $20,000 Value of classical guitar stolen from the car of Paraguayan guitarist Berta Rojas in Ohio City last weekend. (Cleveland Police have identified a person of interest, but have not yet recovered the instrument.)

1,900 Total beds that members of the Cuyahoga County Jail Steering Committee determined were necessary for a new county jail, based on historical population trends. (The current jail population stands at about 1,600.)

$550 million Estimated cost of the new county jail project.

$15,000 Fine levied against Cavs Head Coach J.B. Bickerstaff for criticizing officiating during Saturday’s loss to the Philadelphia 76ers, (though the NBA acknowledged the refs missed two critical calls in the game’s final minute.)

bollard installation on Superior would take place in “one continuous activity” that would affect operations as briefly as possible, perhaps in a burst of work as short as four to six weeks.

Most of the bollards themselves, which have previously and erroneously been reported as “retractable” (including in this publication), will actually be removable, engineered by the local firm Osborn. Due to the network of utilities underneath the Square, a retractable system would be impractical.

Nora Romanoff of LAND Studio, representing the Group Plan Commission, said that the option being considered for the eastern and western entrances to Superior on the Square is the RAPTOR system. That system would, in fact, be retractable, but has a much shallower installation below street level and would be optimal for event closures. Temporary planters in the walkways would also be retrofitted with bollards.

“We are aware of the importance of continuity of design,” said Romanoff. “I have a saying, I don’t want this to look like ‘old shoes on a new dress.’ We want this to look like a park, not like a retrofit.”

-Sam Allard

How do the Candidates for County Executive say “Cuyahoga”?

The Democratic frontrunner for Cuyahoga County Executive, Chris Ronayne, is convinced that he pronounces the word ‘Cuyahoga’ with a long ‘o,’ like hoagie.

“I’m willing to be convinced otherwise, but that’s how I say it across the board: Cuyahoga County, Cuyahoga River, Cuyahoga Falls.”

But even as he listed these examples off, his pronunciation of the controversial third syllable veered toward hawg.

“Huh,” he said. “Yeah, sometimes for the Cuyahoga River that happens.”

It was posited by no less than Pulitzer-Prize Winner Connie Schultz, when the Plain Dealer covered the pronunciation dispute back in 2009, that it was an “East Side-West Side thing, with East Siders leaning toward hoag.”

When presented with this theory, Ronayne allowed that the elision in his pronunciation might be due to his “split lineage” as a resident of Cleveland’s West Side but having worked professionally for 16 years on the East Side at University Circle

Inc. He said he was fascinated, in any case, by the word’s origins and its various meanings to Native American nations that occupied the area or influenced the language.

“Depending on the tribe, [Cuyahoga means] either ‘crooked’ or ‘jawbone’ or ‘Land of the Small,’” he said. “I like the first two.”

Ronayne said that he has even started greeting local audiences as “Cuyahogans” in remarks.

“I don’t know if this is new, and I’m interested to see how it plays,” he said, “but the reality is, we’re all one watershed.”

Republican challenger Lee Weingart answered unconventionally. Not only did he pronounce the word in the hoagie style. He also said he thinks he pronounces it as a three syllable, not a four-syllable word. “Cuy-HOGA,” or even Cuy’hoga.

(We didn’t pursue this digression, but the Summit County denizens in the North Akron suburbs tend to compress the word further still, down to two hard-working syllables, e.g., Cawga Falls.)

Could this be considered a tomayto-tomahto situation, Scene inquired of the Republican?

“I guess,” Weingart replied.

“I’m a tomayto guy. The other sounds pretentious. Like ‘rather’ or “raaaaath-er.’”

Democratic challenger Tariq Shabazz, distinguishing himself from the pack, told Scene in an email that he believes he pronounces the word Cuyahawga.

-Sam Allard

Ohio Republicans Introduce Version of ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill On Monday, Republicans introduced HB 616 in the Ohio House of Representatives, legislation with broad, vague, and barely defined language designed to ban the promotion and teaching of “divisive and inherently racist concepts.”

The bill contains specific bans on acknowledging or discussing LGBTQ+ identity.

Sponsored by Representatives Mike Loychick (R-Bazetta) and Jean Schmidt (R-Loveland), the bill would ban school districts from selecting “any textbook, instructional material, or academic curriculum that promotes any divisive or inherently racist concepts” including: • Critical race theory • Intersectional theory • The 1619 project • Diversity, equity, and inclusion

learning outcomes • Inherited racial guilt • Any other concept that the state board of education defines as divisive or inherently racist Additionally, the bill would prevent schools from offering “training or professional development to employees that promote or endorse divisive or inherently racist concepts.”

Further, the bill jumps right into the “Don’t Say Gay” fray championed by Republican lawmakers in Florida with the following proposed bans: • With respect to a student in any of grades kindergarten through three, schools may not teach, use, or provide any curriculum or instructional materials on sexual orientation or gender identity • With respect to a student in any of grades four through twelve, schools may not teach, use, or provide any curriculum or instructional materials on sexual orientation or gender identity in any manner that is not age-appropriate or developmentally appropriate for students in accordance with state standards.

Consequences for violating these statutes include an official licensure admonishment, licensure suspension, licensure revocation, and the withholding of funds to that school.

Ohio’s LGBTQ+ organizations will be releasing statements and strategies in the upcoming days, though a TikTok from Kathryn Poe, public policy organizer at Equality Ohio, summed up initial reactions to the bill: “Today Ohio lawmakers introduced a combination ‘Don’t Say Gay’ and curriculum ban bill, all in one bill. This is a combination of all of the really bad parts of Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill and all of the really bad parts of Ohio’s curriculum ban. Not only that, this bill somehow manages to be even more broad and vague than the other versions of this bill.”

Next stop, the bill will be assigned a committee — likely the Primary and Secondary Education Committee — before proponent and then opponent testimony hearings are scheduled.

-Ken Schneck, The Buckeye Flame

scene@clevescene.com @clevelandscene April 6-19, 2022 | clevescene.com |

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FEATURE

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Absolutely No Skill Involved:

An Oral History of the Ohio Lottery’s Cash Explosion Game Now in its 35th year, Cash Explosion has become the little lottery game show that could

By M a r a h E a k i n FOR ANYONE UNDER 35, there’s never been a world without Cash Explosion. The Ohio Lottery’s Saturday night game show launched in February of 1987 with a cheap-looking set and gameplay that involved drawing index cards out of a painted wooden box. It’s come a long way since, now existing as C.E., a futuristic-looking, digitally driven game that gives away $100,000 every week.

Even to non-lottery players, Cash Explosion’s humble beginnings and enduring legacy are impressive. It’s the longest-running state lottery game show, and is currently the only one on the air anywhere in the U.S. The lottery says the show has given away more than $250 million in its decades-long run, and audiences have deep affection for the show’s personalities, like Sharon Bicknell, who was with the show off and on for about 27 years.

With its anticlimactic gameplay, ghostly remote shoots, and glitzy evening gowns, it’s been a bizarrely successful run.

Jump in the wayback machine and take a ride to a time when the lottery was suspicious and new and Cash Explosion turned luck into a game.

Cash Explosion was but a glint in a marketer’s eye.

PART 1: “Don’t think that somehow you’re going to beat the system here” When the Ohio Lottery began in 1973, it wasn’t necessarily welcomed with open arms. Residents didn’t trust the process, and “numbers” drawings had already operated for decades in some cities and workplaces. Still, the Ohio Lottery Commission plugged along, gaining a little public support in the mid’80s when the Ohio Legislature stated that a portion of the lottery’s proceeds should go to fund public education.

That’s also roughly around when COURTESY THE OHIO LOTTERY

scratch-off instant win tickets entered the picture. As Lottery workers struggled to figure out how to entice players to the new games, they began to kick around an idea: What about a lottery game show?

Tom Chema, former Executive Director, Ohio Lottery Commission: I was the ninth lottery director in the then nine-year history of the Ohio Lottery.

[Former Governor] James A. Rhodes was very concerned about organized crime infiltrating the lottery. In fact, he seemed to be more concerned about that issue than he was about selling a lottery ticket.

So a lot of his lottery directors were involved in policing.

The man I succeeded had been the agent in charge of the FBI in April 6-19, 2022 | clevescene.com |

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Cleveland. There were a bunch of police types in charge who knew nothing whatsoever about running a consumer business, and they ran it in a very poor way. There were also a number of scandals. One of my predecessors went to jail and the state had been investigating some of our employees for theft. Human nature is human nature. There was all this cash floating in and out of the office and some of it ended up in these folks’ socks and back pockets on its way to the treasury.

While I was [at the Lottery], we fixed that.

David Gale, former Marketing Director, Ohio Lottery: In the ‘70s, the lottery industry had to fight to get the laws changed so that we could at least advertise our games on TV. In the ’80s, it was a significant time for lotteries all around because they were finally gaining in popularity, but there were only a handful of games and that was it.

The instant scratch off products of today? There was only one in the marketplace.

Chema: We were trying to broaden the base. With the popularity of the big money lotto game, we were generating more revenue, but it was from fewer people. That was not what we were trying to do.

We saw [scratch-offs] as a way to pull back some of the base that we had lost and to further expand the base to younger impulse buyers who would go to our agents, whether it be a drugstore or the filling station, and think about the the instant ticket game as a vehicle for them to take a chance and potentially make some money and have a little fun.

In 1984, we did this big reunion for everyone who had won at least a million dollars from the lottery.

David Gale and I thought it would be really a good thing for us to develop a program that would show appreciation to people who played the instant ticket games and won relatively small prizes at that point in time. We wanted to give some publicity to both the games and the players, and also to the agents who sold the instant game tickets.

We got our heads together with Marcus Advertising, which was the vendor that did the lottery’s advertising, and came up with this idea of doing a studio TV show similar to some of the game shows that were popular back in the early to mid ’80s.

Gale: We thought, “How can we diversify the instant product,”

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because more and more lotteries were introducing a second instant scratch off that had a particular theme, like football or something.

We said, “Well, we have this airtime that is part of the lottery’s media buy. Maybe there’s a way that we can use that airtime and create an instant scratch off game where a portion of the prize fund goes to the top prizes and to the game show. So there would be a second opportunity to play if you didn’t win, because non-winning winning tickets went into a drawing.

The fact that we used real people became the key to Cash Explosion.

We talked a little bit about Andy Warhol’s theory that everybody likes their 15 minutes in the limelight, and it was an idea that we didn’t know if it would work, but we thought we would give it a try.

There were a lot of different objectives that we wanted to accomplish back then, and consumer education was an important one.

Where the money goes, how people benefit. The fact that people are winning and that kind of thing. We wanted to provide this opportunity to say, “Hey, I know this person! He or she lives down the street from me” or “We shop in the same store!”

Chema: I had to get the folks in Columbus, the governor and the legislature, comfortable with what we were doing. There were people in that era who still hadn’t come to accept the lottery as an appropriate thing for the state of Ohio to be involved in. And so marketing in such a direct way and competing on television for other recreation dollars in a very direct way was something that not everybody in the administration thought was a great idea.

It was a major issue to get the state auditor to buy off on the show.

The auditor was a guy named Tom E. Ferguson and he was not a fan. We had a lot of issues with him early on.

We had to make the disclaimer that it would be a game of chance, not a game of skill. Don’t think that somehow you’re going to beat the system here.

PART 2: “We were just looking for human beings who spoke English.

That’s all we needed” With the vision to create a lottery game show endorsed by the state, the team was free to create the show.

But how would they do it? Gale and Marcus Advertising knew they’d need outside help, so they took an ad in Variety looking for a game show producer willing to move to

Cleveland for as long as it took to get the show off the ground. Les Roberts—who would later become one of Cleveland’s most beloved authors—answered the call.

Les Roberts, co-creator, Cash Explosion: I had written for and produced a lot of game shows [in Los Angeles], like Hollywood Squares. In fact, I was the first head writer and producer of that show back in ‘66.

Marcus Advertising put an ad in Variety looking for a game show producer, and I wasn’t working at the time. I thought, “I’ve never been in Cleveland in my life, so what the hell?” So I called them and sent a resume and they hired me.

Gale: One of the things that Les Roberts brought to the table was his experience in Hollywood, working with several of the game shows that were being played then on a national basis.

Roberts: I arrived in Cleveland, I think, on January 5, 1987. It was colder than hell, and I didn’t have any cold clothes. They set me up in the office, and they got me a place to live.

When I came here, I didn’t even know Cleveland was on Lake Erie. I knew it was in Ohio somewhere. All I knew about Cleveland when I got off the plane was Bob Feller, Jim Brown, and the river burning.

Gale: We brought [Les] in to help us create the format and all of that stuff.

It was a collaborative effort between Les, the ad agency, and my office.

Roberts: I came up with several different ideas for the show, and most of them were shut down by Marcus immediately.

Roberts, Gale, and Marcus Advertising knew that to make a show that met lottery and auditor standards, everything had to be done by total chance, as if the contestant was spinning a wheel.

Gale: It was close to being [a wheel] in the first go round, because it was so long ago. The technology certainly wasn’t back then what it is today.

Roberts: They told me, basically, the kind of show they wanted to do, which was very different for me, because when you’re running a show for the lottery, it doesn’t mean that somebody has to be smart or anything like that. We were just looking for human beings who spoke English. That’s all we needed.

I thought, “How the hell am I going to do this?” But I figured it out, even though I had a very low

budget. When the show was first shown on the air, it really was tacky.

I begged for more money, but they said the lottery didn’t have it.

Gale: [Finding the format] was easy to do, to tell you the truth. It was more, “How do we make this entertaining? How do we hold our audience? Is this something that’s good?”

The game’s initial format asked contestants to pull a number 1-3 from a box on their podium. The corresponding number of lights would appear on a pyramid game board above their name, and the first few people to the top moved on to the next round.

Roberts: I had a couple of things that I started with that, as a longtime game show producer, I found interesting, which is that contestants picking numbers and whatever, but you might pick a bankrupt, which means you had to go home. They did that the first show, and they said, “Oh, we can’t do that.”

Bob Grossi, Cash Explosion’s first host: They stuck people from the auditor’s office on the set the whole time to make sure that it was in fact a game of chance and that nobody cheated.

They were just picking cards at random to add up to a certain number and the person with the most points got to the $50,000 pinnacle. It was a pretty simple concept, but it worked.

PART 3: “I’ve got something that you might be perfect for” The show’s first host, Bob Grossi, had also previously worked in Los Angeles but had moved back to Ohio after running into a string of bad luck.

Grossi: They were looking for a host for an afternoon magazine program at Channel Five in Cleveland, and so I called up there to see if I could get an audition.

Don Webster, who was the general manager then, is a former longtime weatherman. He remembered me from Channel 10 in Columbus, because I did the weather there, and he said, “Sure, come on up.

Let’s talk.” So I went up and did an audition for them. For whatever reason, I didn’t get the job, but he liked something about me and said, “I’ve got something that you might be perfect for” and he put me in touch with Marcus Advertising.

Roberts: I was looking for a guy that had a great personality, who

was halfway decent looking. and who understood the tempo of a game show, which is very different even from being a stand up comic.

Grossi: When I auditioned for Cash Explosion, I bet there were 50 or 60 other people auditioning.

The lottery wanted to give Grossi a sidekick, a Vanna White to his Pat Sajak, if you will. Enter Sharon Bicknell.

Sharon Bicknell, longtime cohost, Cash Explosion: They had the concept and they had been auditioning a lot of talent, primarily models. They were finding that because much of it was not scripted and that it was going to be improvisational with the contestants, that they were having difficulty throwing weird stuff at [the models].

My background was on stage. One of the producers at Marcus had seen several productions that I had done at the Cleveland Playhouse, and knew that I did some ad work on the side, so he asked me to come and audition.

It turned out to be a really good combination and a really good fit.

Cleveland for about two weeks and went to Marcus Advertising every day. Les, who created the show, showed me what I needed to do as the host. Sharon was exactly like Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune.

Her role was simply to just turn the letters on the score, so she wasn’t involved in these rehearsals. I went in and every day and we practiced and practiced and practiced while the set was being built, etc. They were coordinating all of this with the folks at Channel Five, because we were using their soundstage to

and love today.

Gale: We actually tested the concept for the first nine months by doing a quarterly show. We would just stretch out the entries over a three month period of time, and we took the show on the road. We took it to various communities throughout Ohio, and we even did one of the shows from the center of a shopping mall.

Bicknell: The prizes that we had to give away originally on our wheel,

PART 5: “They had to move Hee-Haw”

Sharon Bicknell working her magic.

Bicknell: It was a really small, tiny, humble beginning. They were hoping for 12 weeks, but they weren’t even confident that it was going to go that long.

Grossi: I’d never done anything like that, and I’m not sure anybody else in the country working for the lottery was doing a show like that.

We were paving a whole new path.

When I was hired, I stayed in

Bicknell: It’s the luck of the draw or the luck of whoever happens to just pick whatever they pick. People would say, ‘You can’t build suspense that way. You can’t build excitement that way.” But, especially in the early shows, it was unusual and because it was based on luck, that gave it something that other game shows did not have. Everybody had a chance, if you got the ticket. It didn’t make any difference. Everybody who came onto the show was on an equal playing field. It didn’t matter what city you’re from, what educational background, nothing. It’s just the luck of the day.

Grossi: Rick [Alexander], our producer, was always telling me, “Try to make it as suspenseful as you can.” That was the fun part of being the host: trying to make it a lot more exciting than it actually was.

Stephanie Miller, former show coordinator, Cash Explosion: Sharon is approachable. She’s down to earth. She goes out her way to make contestants feel they are special, and it’s not an act.

Bicknell: I loved the interaction that we were going to have with the contestants, and it really didn’t bother me that much that a lot of it was improvised.

We did the show live to tape, too, so we tried to do it so that it would need the bare minimum amount of editing, because we taped it on Friday and the show aired on Saturday. Because of my background doing live theater, I was more used to a live format, so that actually worked in my favor.

Grossi and Bicknell were paid AFTRA scale and hired on a provisional basis for, Bicknell says, “maybe 12 weeks.” No one knew how the show would do, or if people would even like it.

Grossi: There was always a little bit of a pause. “Okay, Frank, you’re two points behind. Which card are you going to take?” We tried to make it suspenseful. But I don’t think there wasn’t really any strategy. It was a game of chance. It was just a guess.

produce the show.

Roberts: We were shooting at WEWS in Cleveland, and I was working with them on getting the set together.

They said to me, “We can’t do the set the way you’re asking because we would need one more light.” I sat there and I stared at them and I said “Buy another light! I’m bringing you a big show! Buy another light!” And they did.

Grossi: After those two weeks of set up, we taped our pilot.

Bicknell: It was not all smooth and wonderful at the very beginning, obviously, but the format was solid.

The first time we went through it, the episode ran about 45 to 50 minutes long, which was not going to work. So there was a lot to do.

PART 4: “Trying to make it a lot more exciting than it actually was” With talent and a show format in place, the lottery started to shoot episodes of Cash Explosion, though not on the schedule that fans know

COURTESY THE OHIO LOTTERY

they weren’t awesome. Until we got started, we were an unknown entity and nobody’s going to give you anything if they don’t know you.

So, you would spin the wheel and win a weird vase or a tanning bed.

It was kind of bizarre. You’d look at those things and go, “Wow, I kind of hope I don’t win that.” But it was the fact that you won something, and eventually we got to cars and park trips and nice things after people realized we were going to be on for a while.

Roberts: I broke my ass trying to give a car away, and that worked for a while.

Grossi: We gave away a car from GM every week. The contestant would win by finding the car under one of the numbers or on one of the cards they were pulling up.

Bicknell: I believe people could take the money equivalent of [the car], but many of them took the cars. It’s always a little bit of a gray area, because not everybody’s totally aware that they have to pay the taxes and that everything is not 100% free.

Cash Explosion premiered February 7, 1987, and the response was immediate.

Gale: After the first week of [the show] being in the marketplace, overall instant sales increased dramatically.

Chema: Even from the first pilot that we did, we were really surprised how many viewers tuned in.

We did a number of not horribly scientific surveys or polls, if you will, that we asked our sales agents to do at point of sale. We asked the instant ticket purchasers whether they watched the show and what they thought of it. Using that info, we developed some data points that were not supposed to be scientific or a real market study within three points, certainly, but it gave us a very rough set of data points that showed us that the show was very popular and that people liked it.

The old Nielsen ratings system also had the show… it wasn’t the Super Bowl or anything, but it got, relatively speaking, very high numbers. From the get go, it exceeded our expectations.

Grossi: I hadn’t been on television in Columbus for almost three years, but once the show was on the air I April 6-19, 2022 | clevescene.com |

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started getting recognized all the time. “You’re the lottery guy. What do I need to do to get on the show?”

The audiences that came to the show’s tapings were thrilled, too. I mean, they’d stay after the show and ask for autographs.

Gale: Since day one, we’ve had that Saturday night time slot, and the only other competition that I believe we had back then was Hee-Haw. It had a huge following, but it actually ended that at some point, they had to move the airing of Hee-Haw because we were building up our own huge following as well.

PART 6: “The hardest thing you have to do is pick a letter. [Then] you get money” Contestants clamored to be on the show, often preferring to win the show entry on the Cash Explosion scratch off to the $500 top prize.

Two of the show’s early contestants were Rodney Rollison and Jane Switzer, who were on in 1990 and 1993, respectively.

Rodney Rollison, former Cash Explosion contestant: My ex-wife and I still argue about this. She said I bought the ticket for her, and that’s not true. And I bought the ticket on Linden Avenue in Zanesville, I think at a Dairy Mart. And I hit the three entries.

Jane Switzer, former Cash Explosion contestant: I had seen the show and I said, “Boy, that would be a lot of fun,” so I started buying the tickets. I got one that said “entry entry entry,” so I sent it in.

My parents just happened to be in town that weekend for Thanksgiving, and I said, “You know, my ticket could be drawn tonight,” and my mother said I was nuts. “Don’t get your hopes up.” And then I was the second one picked.

Rollison: I got this call that I was gonna appear on the Cash Explosion show, and hell, I’d just won a goldfish at the mall. I was like, “What the hell am I going to use this goldfish for? I guess I could use it for catfish bait.” I told my wife at the time, “I ain’t gonna kill this goldfish.

I’m not gonna use it. I’m gonna name it Cash Explosion.” So I named this damn goldfish I’m carrying around in a plastic bag of water at the mall, calling it Cash Explosion.

I was talking to the bag, like, “You gotta win me big money, man.”

Switzer: At that time, you had to go up to Cleveland for the taping. I

think I went up two weeks after the lottery contacted me. They had me go up the night before and gave me a hotel room. I took four friends with me and my parents drove over from Niagara Falls along with my aunt and uncle.

At that time, they also gave the contestants a luncheon and then they took your family and friends on a tour of Cleveland. If I’m not mistaken, I believe they went in Lolly the trolley.

Rollison: My family was treated top notch. They put us in a Holiday Inn, and I was looking out the window at the lightning and thunder. It was the first time we all stayed in Cleveland, and along with the thunder, the biggest snowflakes I’d ever seen in my life were falling. I thought, “What the hell’s going on in my life right now?”

contestants.

When we pulled a winner’s name out of the hat, typically, that was the person that showed up to play the game. But we also quickly realized that we needed to have a policy for the winner to have a designated stand in.

We were very fortunate in the contestants that were drawn, because there were very few times where we had to say, “We need to get a stand in here,” But there were one or two times where we looked at each other and said, “Okay, we need to find out who your stand-in is.”

Bicknell: They came to the studio in a limo. They got treated like kings and queens. It was a full thing. And I mean, it’s Ohio. They’re not in California.

For years, I wore evening gowns for the show. We didn’t dress casually, because it was that special.

Over the years, that evolved, but I’m always going to be partial to the early years, because there was so much emphasis on the contestant, and the glamour of doing TV.

Bicknell: There were a couple standins that were unusual. Like there was somebody who was supposed to be undercover who’s in the back and we couldn’t show their face.

I’m not sure if they actually were government agents. I just remember them sitting all the way in the back and I thought it was weird that they were actually in the studio because normally if somebody stands in it means somebody was sick or couldn’t come. I don’t know if it was any illegal thing that they were back there for, but it just seemed to me that they couldn’t be on camera for some reason. Maybe I just built that up in my mind.

The players that did appear on screen didn’t necessarily come into the game with much of a strategy.

Miller: After the hotel, the contestants came in and got makeup.

They were the star of the show, which they are because without them there is no show.

Rollison: Life’s a guessing game and so is Cash Explosion. Just give me a letter and let’s go. it was no big deal let’s get this shit over with. That was mainly my attitude.

Grossi: They had a luncheon for them, too, and [a producer] was there to prep them for what they were about to experience. Then Sharon and I would walk in at the end of the lunch and have a little chat with them before they went up on stage, just to sort of ease their anxieties.

There were some older people who were really nervous about it, and I’d go over and put my arm around them, especially if they were older women, and just sort of try to make them feel comfortable. The men, if they were nervous, they sure didn’t show it.

Switzer: I won $7,300. At that time, you might have been guaranteed like $5,000 or so. The lady next to me just kept getting doubles and she went home with maybe $25,000.

Rollison: It was nerve wracking, but I was kind of laid back. It was the first time I had a suit on in probably 20 years. I didn’t even wear one at my wedding. I got married in my blue jeans.

Gale: One of the advantages that traditional game shows had that we didn’t is they could screen their

Miller: Everybody goes home a winner. It’s a no brainer – the hardest thing you have to do is pick a letter. You get money.

Rollison: I never touched the keys to the car I won. I sold it.

Switzer: They advised us that when we got our winnings that we had to wait because they had to check to see if we owed any child support or something.

Miller: I’ve seen people come on the show and win, and I’ve seen how it’s transformed their lives. I can remember a young female contestant who was living with her parents and she had kids. She won a van and some money. She gave the money

to her parents, but she was able to sell the van so she could go back to school and get a place for her and her kids. It changed her whole life, just winning that amount.

Bicknell: The one that I remember the most was our first big winner.

He borrowed bus money to get to our show and he borrowed a suit to get there. Then he won the $50,000. He came back a year later and told us how much it changed his life.

I remember before we started really airing the show, we were on a morning show promoting it, and they asked me, “Is this change-yourlife money?” I remember saying, “I don’t know if it’s change-your-life money, but it’s make-a-difference money.”

The reason I remember this guy so well is because he hugged us so hard and said that the money made such a difference.

Scott Lanum, Managing Partner, Mills James Productions: We’ve had regulars on the show, too. There have been several times when we’ve had repeat players on the show. They might not have done it 16 years ago.

Bicknell: I have to tell you one of the sweetest stories, though, about a remote show that we did. We got in town and we stayed overnight. The next day, we got to the theater early and there was a gentleman waiting outside. He asked if he could talk to me for a minute before we went in and I said sure.

He said, “I’m not going to stay for your taping today.” I said, “Oh, you didn’t get a ticket?” and he said, “No, that’s not it. My wife and I watched your show always and forever, and we always hoped you would come here. You did come but I lost my wife earlier this year so I just wanted to tell you how much it means to me that you are here in our town, but I just can’t come in.”

There were always moments like that. I got a letter from a gentleman and he and his wife had watched the show with their son, who had gone off to service and did not return.

When he wrote this letter to me, it was some years after. They had moved back to Ohio, and he said, When we turn on the television, the one thing that meant so much to us is that we still found you. We had moved, and our life is different. Our son is gone. But we found a strange sense of comfort knowing that you were still there.”

scene@clevescene.com @clevelandscene April 6-19, 2022 | clevescene.com |

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Official Cleveland Mac ‘n 49th Street Tavern

Das Schnitzel Haus

49streettavern.com 4129 E 49th St, Cuyahoga Heights GOUDA MAC N CHEESE House Made Gouda Cheese, Chicken and Broccoli Topped with Bacon

dshrestaurant.com 5728 Pearl Rd, Parma CARBONARA SPÄTZLE Bavarian style Spätzle with a carbonara sauce, bacon bits, and peas

All Saints Public House

Grumpy’s Cafe

allsaintscle.com 1261 W 76th St, Cleveland SAINTS BEER CHEESE MAC Cavatappi pasta tossed with house-made Guinness beer cheese sauce. Topped off with crispy fried shallots.

Add Braised Short-rib: $8 Add Beer Braised Pork: $8 Add Bacon: $2 Add Chicken: $7 Add J&J Czuchraj All Beef Kielbasa: $6

Añejo Tequila Joint

1051 West 10th St, Cleveland SMOKEY CHIPOTLE MAC N CHEESE Penne pasta, butter, half and half, heavy cream, kosher salt, black pepper, smoked paprika, chipotle aioli, mild cheddar cheese, smoked Gouda cheese, panko breadcrumbs, ancho chile pepper, olive oil

Beerhead Bar & Eatery

beerheadbar.com/cleveland-ohio/ 1156 West 11th St, Cleveland CHICKEN BACON MAC N CHEESE Chicken, bacon, cheddar beer cheese sauce, panko bread crumbs JALAPEÑO POPPER MAC N CHEESE Jalapeño, spicy cheddar queso, seasoned panko bread crumbs

Billy’s A Cappelli Martini Bar

billysacappellimartinibar.com 7338 Industrial Park Blvd, Mentor ADULT MAC N CHEESE Cheesy cavatappi noodles cooked with fresh jalapenos and crispy bacon. Ask for an extra spicy KICK if you want to feel the heat

grumpyscafe.com 2621 West 14th St, Cleveland BREAKFAST MAC Cavatappi pasta in a cheddar-parm cream sauce with sausage, bacon, peppers, and onions.

Topped with an egg cooked however you’d like!

House of Creole

houseofcreole.com 668 Euclid Ave. Unit 2, Cleveland CAJUN MAC N CHEESE A Cajun-spiced diced chicken breast topped on our signature 5 cheese mac and cheese with a Cajun kick!

Add Blackened Chicken +$4.00

Nano Brew Cleveland

nanobrewcleveland.com 1859 West 25th St, Cleveland JALAPEÑO POPPER MAC Cavatappi noodles, mozzarella-cream cheese sauce, jalapeño, onion, topped with breadcrumbs

Ninja City Kitchen & Bar

ninjacity.com 6706 Detroit Ave, Cleveland KIMCHI MAC N CHEESE Creamy three cheese mac topped with spicy kimchi, togarashi and scallions

Nóra’s Public House

noraspublichouse.net 4054 Erie St, Willoughby SMOKED GOUDA MAC N CHEESE

Old River Tap and So

oldrivertapandsocial.com 19245 Detroit Rd, Rocky Rive HOUSE MAC N CHEESE Add on Options: Grilled Chicken $5 Pulled Pork $5 BBQ Burnt Ends $6

Proof BBQ

proofcleveland.com 2258 Professor Ave, Clevelan PROOF BBQ MAC N CHEE Scratch-made mac n cheese THREE CHEESES American, cream cheese, and Middlefield smoked cheddar crispy bits of mouthwatering

Ridgewood Kitchen

ridgewood84.com 9853 Johnnycake Ridge Rd. SIGNATURE MAC & CHEES House-made rich cheddar ch noodles and finished with as

Saucy Brew Works

saucybrewworks.com 2885 Detroit Ave, Cleveland SAUCY MAC N CHEESE A delicious blend of mozzare pecorino romano, and Amer bread crumb crust

Schnitz Ale Brewery

schnitzalebrewery.com 5729 Pearl Rd, Parma KÄSE SPÄTZLE Traditional Bavarian Spätzle w sauce and roasted garlic

Sol

solwilloughby.com 38257 Glenn Ave, Willoughb QUESO MAC N CHEESE Add Chorizo for an up charg

#CLEVELANDMACNCHEE

n’ Cheese Week Locations

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Southern Tier Brewing Co.

www.stbcbeer.com/taprooms/cleveland 811 Prospect Ave E, Cleveland BAKED MACARONI AND PIMENTO CHEESE STBC IPA and pimento cheddar sauce, parmesan bread crumb topping

Tavern of Little Italy

and ESE with burnt ends

d Ohio-made ar) combined with g brisket burnt ends

& Spirits

Suite 8, Concord SE heese sauce, cavatappi siago panko

d

ella, provolone, rican with a parmesan

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with Emmental cheese

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ge

tolicleveland.com 12117 Mayfield Rd, Cleveland BASIC CHEDDAR MAC N CHEESE BACON PEPPER-JACK MAC N CHEESE MURRAY HILL MAC N CHEESE Italian sausage, a white cheese sauce topped with a grilled hot pepper

The Ivy

ivycle.com 1212 West 6th St, Cleveland GERMELLI PASTA WITH OUR CHEF’S CREAMY, CLASSIC FIVE CHEESE SAUCE & BUTTER CRUMB TOPPING Add delicious toppings for $2 each: grilled or fried chicken, herb marinated grilled shrimp, sweet & spicy local bacon, broccoli, grilled asparagus, baby heirloom tomatoes, sun dried tomatoes with garlic & herbs

The Wild Goose

wildgoosewlby.com 4144 Erie St, Willoughby BUFFALO MAC N CHEESE

Twisted Taino Restaurant

twistedtaino.com 5633 Pear Rd, Parma BIRRIA MAC N CHEESE Elbow macaroni pasta smothered in our signature poblano pepper creamy cheese sauce topped with Mexican Style Braised Beef garnished with crispy onions, chopped cilantro & white onions BBQ PORK MAC N CHEESE TRIFONGO BOWL Elbow macaroni pasta smothered in our signature poblano pepper creamy cheese sauce topped with our signature pork roast drizzled with Sweet & Spicy BBQ sauce, garnished w. crispy onions, bacon bits & micro cilantro served in a trifongo bowl

Wild Eagle Saloon

wildeagle.com 921 Huron Rd East, Cleveland MAC N CHEESE BALLS | 5 Our award-winning macaroni and cheese rolled into a ball and fried crispy with a kick BOWL OF SPICY WILD EAGLE MAC | 5 Our award-winning macaroni and cheese SMOKING MAC SKILLET | 14 our award-winning macaroni + cheese, jalapenos, kettle chip crust with a Bourbon bbq drizzle topped with your choice of smoked pulled pork or pork belly burnt ends PIG PEN | 15 slow smoked pulled pork sandwich topped with coleslaw and spicy mac then drizzled with our bourbon bbq sauce MINI SUTRA | 15 not ready for the Hog-A-Sutra Challenge? well let’s get training! two patties piled high with 4 pieces of mapleglazed bacon, and topped with our famous mac& cheese ball HOG A SUTRA | 40...free if you finish! the original mac-based challenge, think you have what it takes? Then take center stage and show us what you got. 3lbs maple bacon, 2 spicy mac balls, 4 burger patties and 1 lb of loaded fries and you have 30 minutes to clear your plate!

BE SURE TO GET YOUR PASSPORT STAMPED! MAC ‘n’ CHEESE WEEK KEY Veggie Option Available

G T

Gluten Free Option Available Take-Out Option Available

ESEWEEK | CLEVELANDMACNCHEESEWEEK.COM April 6-19, 2022 | clevescene.com |

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GET OUT

Everything to do in Cleveland for the next two weeks

Dyngus Day returns to Gordon Square. See: Monday, April 18.

WED 04/06 FRI Much Ado About Nothing Beatrice and Benedick forge a partnership in order to defend house and honor, and salvage the true love of Hero and Claudio in Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing. Tonight at 7:30, Great Lakes Theater presents its production of the play at the Hanna Theatre. Performances continue through Sunday. Check the Playhouse Square website for more info.

2067 East 14th St., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.

THU 04/07 We Were Promised Jetpacks Since releasing 2018’s The More I Sleep the Less I Dream, We Were Promised Jetpacks have embraced change head-on and amicably parted ways with founding member Michael Palmer a couple of years back. Entering 2020 as a trio with a handful of songs written and a successful U.S. tour under their belts, touring came to a halt. But the guys still managed to write and record their latest effort, Enjoy the View. Expect to hear tracks from it when the band plays tonight at 8 at the Grog Shop. Check the club’s website for more details.

2785 Euclid Heights Blvd., Cleveland Heights, 216-321-5588, grogshop.gs.

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Emanuel Wallace

04/08

Benji Brown Comedian Benji Brown likes to talk about how difficult relationships can be. “Brothers, stop hitting on the ladies,” he jokes in one routine.

“Touch ’em, and you go to jail.” His animated routine calls attention to domestic violence in a humorous (but not offensive) manner. Expect to hear bits like this when he performs tonight at 7:30 and 10 at the Improv, where he has shows scheduled through Sunday. Check the venue website for ticket prices and more info.

1148 Main Ave., 216-696-IMPROV, clevelandimprov.com.

SAT 04/09 Amy Grant Famous for bringing a religious message to her pop music, Christian singer-songwriter Amy Grant comes to MGM Northfield Park — Center Stage tonight at 8. Check the venue’s website for more info.

10705 Northfield Rd., Northfield, 330-908-7793, mgmnorthfieldpark. mgmresorts.com/en.html.

SUN 04/10 Celebration of Cleveland Rock History, Part 2 Last year, the Beachland Ballroom hosted a book launch event for local

author Deanna Adams’s most recent book, Cleveland’s Rock and Roll Venues. Hosted by Ray Carr, the event featured images of the venues as Adams and Carr conducted live interviews with many of the people who’ve helped make Cleveland the rock mecca it is today. The show was so well-received that the duo will do it again today from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. with a new round of participants, which’ll include deejays Larry Morrow, Ted Alexander and Paula Balish. Other guests include musicians such as Richard Shack, Donnie Baker, Alex Bevan, Carlos Jones, Mike Wasson, Cy Sulak, Rich Spina, Billy Sullivan and Butch Armstrong. Tickets cost $10 in advance, $12 at the door. Proceeds benefit Beachland co-owner Cindy Barber’s nonprofit organization, Cleveland Rocks: Past, Present & Future.

15711 Waterloo Rd., 216-383-1124, beachlandballroom.com.

humorist in the classic tradition.”

She speaks at 8 tonight at Connor Palace. Check the Playhouse Square website for more info.

1615 Euclid Ave., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.

MON 04/11

Celtic Woman Postcards from Ireland, the latest show from the Irish troupe Celtic Woman, celebrates the rich musical and cultural heritage of Ireland by taking audiences on what a press release describes as “a journey of story and song from across the Emerald Isle.” The group offers a fresh fusion of traditional Irish music and contemporary song craft that “celebrates Ireland’s ancient heritage while reflecting the vibrant spirit of modern Ireland.” Tonight’s performance begins at 7 at the State

An Evening with Fran Lebowitz An astute social commentator, Fran Lebowitz writes essays and gives interviews that offer her perspective on current events and the media as well as her pet peeves regarding things like tourists, baggage claim areas, after shave lotion, adults who roller skate, children who speak French and anyone who tans too much. The New York Times Book Review calls Lebowitz an “important

TUE

04/12

Hairspray Playhouse Square brings Broadway’s Tony Award-winning musical comedy to Akron’s E.J. Thomas Hall for performances that take place at 7:30 tonight and tomorrow night. The play centers on 16-yearold Tracy Turnblad as she sets out to dance her way onto TV’s most popular show. Check the venue’s website for more info.

198 Hill St., Akron, 330-972-7570, ejthomashall.com.

WED 04/13

GET OUT Theatre. Check the venue website for more info.

1519 Euclid Ave., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.

THU

04/14

Drink and Draw with Dr. Sketchy Akron Founded in 2005 in a dive bar in Brooklyn, Dr. Sketchy’s has now spread to more than 100 cities around the world. Dr. Sketchy Akron, a monthly drink and draw event that takes place on the second Thursday of each month at Jilly’s Music Room in Akron, gives patrons the opportunity to “draw glamorous underground performers in an atmosphere of boozy conviviality.” The fun begins at 7 p.m.; it costs $10 to draw.

111 N Main St., Akron, 330-5763757, jillysmusicroom.com.

FRI

04/15

Guardians vs. San Francisco Giants Pushed back a few weeks thanks to a labor lockout, the Guardians’ home opener takes place tonight at 7:30 at Progressive Field. Playing their first home game as the Guardians, the team will take on the San Francisco Giants as part of the first game in a three-game interleague series.

It’s Jackie Robinson day so expect tributes to the Hall of Famer. The two teams play again tomorrow and Sunday. Check the Guardians’ website for more info.

2401 Ontario St., 216-420-4487, clevelandindians.com.

SAT

04/16

Grand Opening of Open Road: The Lure of Motorcycling in Ohio A new exhibit at the Crawford AutoAviation Museum at the Cleveland History Center, Open Road: The Lure of Motorcycling in Ohio features motorcycles from around the world with three dozen bikes built by manufacturers from the U.S., Europe, Great Britain, Japan and Argentina. Today at 1 p.m., the Crawford hosts an opening celebration with a presentation and book signing by Helge Pederson.

Originally from Kristiansand, Norway, Pedersen is a long-distance motorcyclist and author of 10 Years on 2 Wheels, an account of his decade of riding his motorcycle 250,000 miles through 77 countries

around the world. Tickets cost $15.

10825 East Blvd., 216-721-5722, wrhs.org.

SUN 04/17 Snow Tha Product You might have trouble convincing the whole family to cap off Easter Sunday by taking in a concert from female rapper Snow Tha Product at House of Blues. Songs such as “Never Be Me, “a track about “two hatin’ ass bitches,” allow Snow That Product to show off her aggressive, tongue-twisting rapping style. But maybe a rowdy hip-hop show is just what you need after a fattening brunch. The show starts at 7; check the club’s website for ticket prices.

308 Euclid Ave., 216-523-2583, houseofblues.com.

MON 04/18 Dyngus Day This year’s annual Dyngus Day celebration will take place today from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. at Gordon Green in Gordon Square. It’ll feature Polish dancing, paczki and piwo (Polish for beer). Dyngus Day festivities will also be livestreamed on Facebook. Dyngus Day is the Polish holiday that falls on the Monday immediately after Easter, and Cleveland typically goes allin for the celebration. The daylong events will feature polka dancing, Polish food, the crowning of Ms. Dyngus Day and live entertainment.

Cleveland’s DJ Kishka will serve as the host. Tickets cost $30 each and include two Polish beer drink tickets at Gordon Green. A portion of the event proceeds will be used for Polish and Ukrainian relief.

5400 Detroit Ave., clevelanddyngus. com.

TUE

04/19

Lyrical Rhythms Open Mic and Chill This long-running open mic night at the B-Side Lounge in Cleveland Heights allows some of the city’s best rappers and poets to strut their stuff. The event begins at 8 with a comedy session dubbed 2 Drinks & a Joke with host Ant Morrow. The open mic performances begin at 10 p.m. Tickets cost $5 in advance, $10 at the door.

2785 Euclid Heights Blvd., Cleveland Heights, 216-932-1966, bsideliquorlounge.com.

scene@clevescene.com t@clevelandscene April 6-19, 2022 | clevescene.com |

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EAT A TRUE MELTING POT

Big Al’s has welcomed all and anchored the Larchmere neighborhood for nearly three decades I’VE LIVED TWO MILES FROM Big Al’s Diner for 20 years and during that time the place has been a reliable source of comfort. Summer Saturdays aren’t the same without a visit to the North Union Farmers Market at Shaker Square followed by a hearty breakfast at Big Al’s on Larchmere. In winter, when the thought of doing one more dirty dish is too much to bear, we head to the diner. The rest of the year, when the job takes me to one chef-driven bistro after another, it’s Big Al’s that I crave.

Except for Covid-related closures, Big Al’s has been busy since the day it opened in 1994. And before that, if you tack on its years as the original Chuck’s Diner, before that infamous 24-hour haunt decamped to Lee Road. When it did, longtime cook Al Windsor took over, changed the name and fortified his position as one of the neighborhood’s most enduring and indispensable constituents.

At Big Al’s, all are welcome. Over the years, I’ve spied politicians, media celebs, sports stars, cops, judges and lawyers, all waiting in line for a table like the rest of us.

Sure, every good diner is democratic, but this one’s location on the Cleveland-Shaker border – blocks from HUD housing to the west and some of the wealthiest families in the city to the east – makes it all the more egalitarian.

“Somehow, someway they end up here together,” Windsor says. “It’s a true melting pot.”

Windsor has cooked for an Ohio attorney general, U.S. rep and three Cleveland mayors, but it was a local chef who introduced Big Al’s to the rest of the country. On an episode of the Food Network’s “Best Thing I Ever Ate,” Michael Symon, who was living in Shaker at the time, called the diner’s corned beef hash “magic on a plate.”

“I was so proud, it was unreal,” Windsor recalls. “He’s the Iron Chef!

They must have shown it 50 times over the years. After it aired, I’ve had someone from every state in the union come in. Every state.”

That corned beef hash, eggs and

Photo by Douglas Trattner

By Douglas Trattner

toast ($10.99) is every bit as good as Symon says, but my money always lands on the #12 ($8.75), soulsatisfying sausage gravy-covered biscuits with over-easy eggs and home fries. As with most items at Big Al’s, the portion is such that finishing the entire plate is an aspirational endeavor. The omelets here are overstuffed, the pancakes

emerged during the height of the pandemic.

“I’m doing more carry-out than I ever did,” Windsor states. “It’s like the icing on the cake.”

Windsor admits that he needs to do a better job curbing those orders on hectic weekends, when wait times for dine-in customers can stretch beyond the norm. Like all

BIG AL’S DINER 12600 LARCHMERE BLVD., CLEVELAND 216-791-8550

flop over the edge of the plate and the pecan waffles are the size of wagon wheels. Lunch beckons with a rock-solid patty melt and fries platter.

Windsor estimates that he flies through 500 dozen eggs and 400 pounds of spuds per week – and that’s being open just six hours a day. A bewildering amount of those orders leave the restaurant in the form of carry-out, which is a relatively new phenomenon that

restaurants these days, Big Al’s is down a cook and a few servers, he notes.

After decades of abuse, the building wheezed from the neglect of a miserly landlord, but grace arrived in the form of a neighborhood benefactor who not only purchased the building, but also undertook an interior and storefront renovation project that lifted the entire property.

That capital improvement seems to mesh with what’s taking place in the

neighborhood as a whole.

“The neighborhood has completely changed,” says Windsor. “When I started there was a car stolen every week. Now they’re building apartments and it’s more trendy. But the diner’s been through it all.”

So has Al, who is 67 years old, has been working in restaurants since he was 14 and is in dire need of a new hip. He has help in the form of a hardworking son, but Windsor knows the job is not for everybody and that the future of Big Al’s Diner is anything but certain.

“It’s busy but you have to work for it,” he says. “It’s very hard work, very hard work. Especially as the owner. You have to get greasy, you gotta be dirty. Until I was able to hire a cook, I went to work when it was dark and I came home when it was dark.”

I, for one, can’t imagine life without Big Al’s.

dtrattner@clevescene.com t@dougtrattner April 6-19, 2022 | clevescene.com |

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Photo by Douglas Trattner

EAT BITES

Tremont Taphouse temporarily closes for major renovations

By Douglas Trattner THIS PAST MONDAY, APRIL 4th, the Tremont Taphouse (2572 Scranton Rd., 216-298-4451) closed its doors for some much-needed improvements, both inside and out, says partner Jason Workman.

“It’s been 15 years since we opened on a shoestring in a building from the 1850s,” he says.

In addition to improved HVAC and mechanicals, the entire interior will be completely refreshed to give it a more modern, updated look and feel. Customers can look forward to a new bar, updated floors and lighting, new booths, tables and chairs, and refreshed restrooms.

On the outside, the brickwork will be tuckpointed, the exterior painted a different color and a new sign installed.

When the restaurant reopens in June or July, it will do so with a new menu as well.

“We’re going to start from scratch on the menu,” Workman says. “It’s an opportunity to reset that as well and be a little more modern with our approach.”

When the Taphouse does reopen, management’s attention will shift to the rest of the property.

“We bought several properties over the years, which has afforded us the opportunity to expand the footprint of the patio and create more greenspace, update the parking lot with lighting, and give that corner the curb appeal it’s been missing over the past several years,” he adds.

The new patio will be twice its current size, will incorporate a dog park for both customers and neighbors, have green space, fire pits, an outdoor bar and shade features.

All Taphouse employees will be transferred to Butcher and the Brewer downtown during the closure.

1942 Tacos and Tequila to Open in Former Puente Viejo Space in Playhouse Square After sitting empty for close to two years, the former Puente Viejo space on Huron Road in Playhouse Square

will soon have new life. Fittingly, the new tenant is another Mexican restaurant, which is called 1942 Tacos and Tequila (1220 Huron Rd.).

“We tried the brand out in Rochester and it worked out, so now we will expand the same brand,” says project manager Carlos Murillo.

The Rochester location appears to be very favorably reviewed since opening in 2021. The Cleveland location will open with the same menu, says Murillo.

“The food is definitely authentic Mexican food,” he says. “We try to create a selection of tacos and we are introducing our quesabirria tacos as well. We’re bringing street corn and several different margaritas.”

When Puente Viejo took the space over in 2016, they gave the 2,800-square-foot, 100seat restaurant a fresh, modern makeover. In fact, there was little left for the new owners to do to get it ready.

“When we took the space over, literally it was ready to open,” says Murillo.

All that stands between Cleveland diners and those crispy, cheesy quesabirria tacos is the health department.

“We’ve got the liquor license ready, we have our team ready, we’ve got our servers ready, I’ve got our manager, so we’re 90-percent ready,” adds Murillo. “We just need the health department.”

Look for 1942 Tacos to open in mid-April.

Anna in the Raw Cafe Now Open in Its New Downtown Home It’s been six long months since Anna Harouvis shuttered her 20-year-old Good to Go Café at the IMG building downtown — and as she likes to say, she hasn’t been lying on a beach in Greece all winter. Instead, she has been putting her heart and soul into her new café, which is located in the lobby of the AECOM building (1300 East 9th St.) across the street.

At 2,000 square feet, the new Anna in the Raw location is more than twice the size of the original

café. Thanks to wrap-around glass, the shop is bright, open and inviting to the people who work in the building above, to guests staying at the Westin Hotel next door, and to downtown residents and workers as well. There is a limited amount of dine-in seating.

Like the original café, this new shop will be a boon for “clean food” lovers thanks to the chef’s roster of raw, vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free and wholesome foods. In addition to Harouvis’ signature line of coldpressed juices, there will be soups, salads, sandwiches and heartier dishes. Coolers will be stocked with fresh juices and grab-and-go items.

Saucy Brew Works to Expand to Sandusky, Taking Over Former Zinc and Boom Town Coffee Spaces Saucy Brew Works founder Brent Zimmerman revealed to the Sandusky Register that he was expanding his presence in Sandusky.

Zimmerman also operates the historic hotel, The Washington, in that city.

Zimmerman’s next move is to take over the former Zinc Brasserie and Boom Town Coffee spaces on E. Water Street, both of which have been closed since late last year. Those two businesses will be renamed as Saucy Brew Works properties, according to the article.

“Zinc has always been a favorite spot of mine and my family to have dinner at during summers on the

lake,” Zimmerman told the Register.

Zimmerman will work with chef Andrew Gorski, formerly of Tremont Taphouse and Parker’s Downtown, to create the menu at the restaurant, which will open in the coming months.

Lakewood AF Will Not Reopen Following Winter Pause Lakewood AF (15208 Madison Ave.), the combination poke and ice cream shop that opened in the former Ice Cream Joy space last summer, has permanently closed. This past January, the shop shut down for a winter breather, but the owners have announced that it will not reopen.

The store was a collaboration between Cassandra Fear and Daniel Ang, owners of Fear’s Confections (15208 Madison Ave., 216-4810888) and Dang Good Foods (13735 Madison Ave., 216-785-9321), respectively.

“We are sad to announce that Lakewood AF will be closing permanently,” an announcement on Facebook read. “We are grateful for those who supported us. We are also thankful for our previous employees and vendors who worked for us and with us. We look forward to seeing you at our respective businesses @ fearsconfection (next door), and @ danggoodfoods (further east on Madison) .”

dtrattner@clevescene.com t@dougtrattner April 6-19, 2022 | clevescene.com |

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Progject

with Cuda, Schieferstein & Cuda

Tue. April 12

Aimee Mann

Hell Van

Donnie Iris & the Cruisers

World Premier!

Sat. April 15

Sun. April 16

Shawn Colvin

Wed. April 27

Marc Cohn

Wed. May 11

Sat. May 14

AT THE GOODYEAR THEATER AT THE AKRON CIVIC THEATER

Little Feat

Saturday April 9 Get tickets now at akroncivic.com

Janis Ian The Final Tour

with special guest Tom Rush

Wednesday May 11

Get tickets now at goodyeartheater.com or ticketmaster.com

Fri. April 29 Rocky Horror Picture Show Wed. May 18 Al Stewart Thur. May 19 Bodeans Wed. June 8 The Music of Cream Tue. June 28 The Zombies Sat. July 9 Jordan Rudess NEW DATE! Fri. July 28 Keillor and Company Sun. Aug. 21 The Wallflowers

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MUSIC QUEEN FOR A NIGHT Killer Queen frontman discusses paying tribute to the great British rock act

By Jeff Niesel ONE OF THE WORLD’S BEST Queen tribute bands, England’s Killer Queen, arrives in the States this month for a U.S. tour. As part of that trek, the group performs on Friday, April 8, at MGM Northfield Park — Center Stage. Led by singer Patrick Myers, who takes on the role of flamboyant singer Freddie Mercury, Killer Queen has paid tribute to the British rock group for close to 30 years now.

In a recent transatlantic phone call, Myers said he was “massively” excited about the upcoming shows in the States, which would represent the band’s first gigs outside the UK in two years.

Talk about your musical background.

What kind of music did you listen to while growing up?

Uh, I grew up in a house where there wasn’t a lot of music in it. I felt like an archaeologist. Going through my mom’s not-very-substantial record collection, I discovered the Beatles early. I became a big fan of them, but since I studied classical guitar growing up, and I constantly got those type of albums as birthday and Christmas presents. I was like, “Can you ease up?” When I was about 13 or 14, I realized the Beatles were finished and no longer an active band. I literally asked this question, “Who is there? Is there someone who does songs that are really brilliant, and they’re still going?” At the time, Queen was still going. We were on a school trip and going to Germany. My friend said, “I know who you are going to love.” He put these headphones on me. I very rarely listened to anything in stereo.

But he put Greatest Hits 1 by Queen on. I went “This is out of this world.

This is extraordinary.”

What was the first Killer Queen show in 1993 like?

Amazing but terrifying. We were thrown on stage as a last-minute replacement. We were playing a huge summer ball that typically had bands like Oasis or Blur or Pulp. Because they messed up, they didn’t have their entertainment license. It hadn’t been renewed that year by sheer oversight.

The only thing they could put on stage was a student band. For this one year, it had to be a student band.

Someone let the people working there know that there was “this one guy working on a Queen tribute.” They gave them my photograph, and they said, “Can they play?” I said, “I’m not sure we can.” They wanted us to do this huge show, and I knew if I didn’t take this one opportunity, that ship would pass by.

Killer Queen’s Patrick Myers.

How difficult was it to learn to mimic the great Freddie Mercury?

It’s something you refine over the years. I had a version when I started because I was still a kid. When we got a lot of success, I took a step back, and I realized I had to train my voice to do things. It had taken off in a way I never expected, so I had to give myself a chance to do this and get better at it. This was a good first start, but I wanted to see how much I could refine it. You constantly learn new things your voice can do because the instrument changes over the years. It’s been fantastic.

Did you grow a mustache or did you already have one?

If given a choice, I would never have a mustache. It’s like the penance you have to do to be Freddie Mercury.

You have to have a bloody mustache on your face. It’s my least favorite ornament. I can grow them quite quickly. If I get a couple of weeks off, the first thing that comes off after my coat and my hat is my mustache.

What is your wardrobe like? You must have expanded it.

The wardrobe is great. Freddie had such great taste in costumes.

He had such a distinctive style with the high-cut trousers and short tops.

He’s very attentive stylistically. It’s great fun to work with.

What are some of the venues that you played that Queen also played?

We have done Forest National and some arenas they never did.

This Christmas when we get back to England for some shows, we play some of the Motorpoint arenas over here. We try to keep our feet

in both camps. It’s nice playing arenas because you can put on a bigger show and have more elbow room. The lovely thing is that we don’t ever want to go away from the 1,000- to 2,000-seat venues. We have two versions we can take to different venues. You get good contact with the audience and fantastically charged atmospheres in some of the 1,000- to 2,000-seat venues.

I imagine your repertoire has expanded over the years. How many Queen songs can you now play?

I never sat down and counted. It has changed over the years. Certain songs bubble up and suddenly you start focusing on songs. I will play some of the Brian [May] tracks because it gives me a break on vocals. I like to see how we do on some of his songs like “Long Away,” which is from A Day at the Races. I love that track. You can see the career Brian would plan as a solo artist, which he did have later on. Songs like that fascinate me.

They still seem so effervescent and fresh. And “Sail Away Sweet Sister.”

Things like “Good Old-Fashioned Loverboy” is on Greatest Hits, but it never charted. It’s still fun to play.

Do you ever play albums in their entirety?

I don’t think it works with Queen.

You got so much great material from such a wide range of time and so much of that material is from different decades. I’ve seen that bands that do it. I can see there’s merit.

But the show we’re doing makes you feel like you’re at the Queen concert rather than the Queen museum.

Chipster PR

Sometimes when you play a whole album, you are slavishly tied to that concept. It’s so much fun juxtaposing a song from the ’70s with something more like “These Are the Days of Our Lives.” You’d be missing out on all those lovely juxtapositions.

Why do you think the band’s music has endured?

I think you can’t tie Queen down to one thing. They’re so different throughout the decades. The albums are so rich and varied and change from year to year. They never seemed to attach themselves to just one genre. They spread themselves wide and thick. The quality of the writing was so good. When they discover them as an album band rather than a singles band, they discover there is so much there.

There were the Freddie [Mercury] tracks and Brian [May] tracks and the Roger [Taylor] tracks. You got to know the personality of the band. When something like the film Bohemian Rhapsody comes out, you’re immediately thrown into things and it gives a narrative arc.

That would just be pale and just blink out if the music wasn’t there.

Anytime a spotlight comes to Queen, people turn to the albums and find there is a treasure trove of stuff there. It’s extraordinarily rich and extraordinarily good.

Killer Queen, 8 p.m., Friday, April 8, 10777 Northfield Rd., Northfield, 330-908-7625. Tickets: $32.50+, ticketmaster.com.

scene@clevescene.com t@clevelandscene April 6-19, 2022 | clevescene.com |

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MUSIC FIGHTING FOR THE UNDERGROUND

Adult.’s terrific new album mirrors recent political and personal hardships

By Jeff Niesel THE ELECTRONIC INDIE ACT Adult. first came together in Detroit way back in 1998. At that time, the city resembled what Miller calls “the wild west.”

“It was total freedom,” he says in a recent transtlantic phone call from a Berlin tour stop. Adult. performs with Kontravoid and Spike Hellis at 8 p.m. on Wednesday, April 13, at the Grog Shop. “The parties and raves and events were off the hook. It’s a city with such a rich historical music history from Motown to Iggy [Pop] to MC5 to early Detroit techno. We have a lot of idols here that we don’t want to let down. We feel a great responsibility to calling ourselves a Detroit band. When you play a show in Detroit, they’ve seen it all. It’s made us keep our game up.”

The band “keeps its game up” and then some on its latest LP, Becoming Undone, a rich collection of techno-ish tunes that feature some of the most sophisticated electronic beats and impassioned vocals the band has ever delivered. Singer Nicola Kuperus sounds alternately “indignant” and “possessed,” as it’s aptly put in a press release, as she sings tunes about how what she calls “the compromises of culture.”

Becoming Undone follows 2020’s Perception is/as/of Deception, an album that came out in April of 2020, just after the March lockdown of 2020. The pandemic derailed the band’s tour in support of that album.

“Our tour got cancelled, and everything fell apart,” says Miller. “I still kept trying to get our set ready for rehearsals. It felt futile, and our agents were constantly trying to figure out how to push the tour.”

Priorities shifted after Kuperus’s father, who lived in North Ridgeville, started battling cancer, and the duo became his hospice givers.

“We spent a lot of time caring for Nicole’s dad,” says Miller. “It was very difficult but meaningful. That didn’t exactly put us in the mood to start writing. I don’t know what happened after that, but we said, ‘It’s going to be so long until we tour.’ So we started on new music. We were hopeful about the [2020 presidential] election and wanted some wind under our sails. Still, it was hard

Adult.

GrandstandHQ

to continue with the weight of the pandemic and all that shit. We got into writing in the new year, and then, the insurrection [in Washington

we do a lot, but we do enjoy smashing a strange middle part into a song,” says Miller when asked about the track. “We don’t

ADULT., KONTRAVOID, SPIKE HELLIS 8 P.M. WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13, GROG SHOP, 2785 EUCLID HEIGHTS BLVD., CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, 216-321-5588. TICKETS: $14, GROGSHOP.GS.

D.C.] was happening. As a result, it’s a darker album. Is an artist supposed to be a hammer or a mirror? In other words, do you fight or mirror what’s happening in the world. We mirrored all those hardships.”

Thanks in part to the album’s meticulous mastering, the recording quality is superb.

“We worked really hard at that,” says Miller when asked about the recording process. “It’s bass-y, but it snaps. We record at our home studio.

We have worked with the same mastering engineer on the last three albums, and with each album, we get to know him more and more, and he went deeper on this album.”

With its metallic-sounding percussion and droning vocals, jittery album opener “Undoing/Undone” sets the tone for the decidedly dark release.

“I don’t want to say it’s something

know music theory. We didn’t go to school for music. It takes us a minute to know an A-sharp on the keyboard. We’re always trying to break formula. We don’t want every song to be verse-chorus. We smashed something unexpected in the middle, but it’s not a futilist record. To ‘become undone,’ you can become again. A friend of ours told us we have no fear of destroying something we once were because we will just create something new and rise out of it like a phoenix. We don’t talk about love or being strong in our songs. We talk about our weaknesses more.”

Though the band mixes things up from album to album, one constant is Kuperus’s voice. Her guttural vocals often recall Goth acts such as Bauhaus’s Peter Murphy.

“I think because we tour so much, she’s become an incredibly strong

vocalist,” says Miller. “We did a 2017 collaboration with [vocalist, producer and multi-instrumentalist] Shannon Funchess. She said she loves singing with Nicole because she’s like a rock in the stream. She is the same every time and consistent. Her talking voice sounds like a dog’s squeaky broken toy, but the second the show starts, she’s right there. I don’t know how she does it.”

At the time of this interview, the band had just completed 12 shows in 13 days. The gigs were spread out across seven countries. After Berlin, Adult. was set to head to Poland, a country dangerously close to the war that’s raging in Ukraine.

“The whole tour has been pretty surreal so far,” says Miller. “We play Poland tomorrow. I know the promoter, and he’s excited for the sure. He said that people need this right now. That makes us feel good.

We’ve been touring for 25 years, and we were on the first flight out of Detroit after 9/11. We were scared as hell, but when we played that show overseas, we were all so together that I was crying. I’ll always keep fighting for the underground.”

scene@clevescene.com t@clevelandscene April 6-19, 2022 | clevescene.com |

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SAVAGE LOVE ENTRANCE EXAM

By Dan Savage Hey, Dan: I am a 29-year-old woman and I have a problem when I have sex or masturbate. I always feel an annoying pain, a stinging sensation in my vulva, at the entrance of the vagina, that does not allow me to enjoy it, as the pain is too overwhelming. Unfortunately, this situation has led me to avoid having sex or masturbating in order not to feel that pain. I have consulted several gynecologists, but no anomaly or infection of any kind has been found. With the last doctor we also talked about a possible psychological component but, apparently, even on this level everything seems normal. Do you or an expert have advice for someone with a problem like mine?

Lost And Baffled Inside America “Vulvodynia, or pain in the vulva, is unfortunately very common, and it sucks,” says Dr. Rachel Gelman, a clinician, pelvic-floor specialist and author based in San Francisco.

“But there are a variety of treatment options and providers that could help LABIA out.”

Gelman says it’s good that you’ve already had infection ruled out as a possible cause. But there are lots of other things that could be going on — nerve irritation, inflammation, hormonal imbalance, something genetic — and she urges you not to give up until you find an answer.

And while Gelman is too polite to say it, I’m an asshole, so I’m just gonna blurt it out: It’s shocking that not one of the gynecologists you consulted referred you to a pelvicfloor specialist.

“The muscles inside the pelvis, a.k.a. the pelvic floor, and the surrounding musculature can contribute to or cause the pain LABIA is describing,” said Dr. Gelman. “Just like tight muscles in the neck can cause pain in the shoulder, arm, or jaw, a tight muscle inside the pelvic floor can cause pain at the opening of the vagina.

A pelvic-floor physical therapist, like myself, would be able to assess and treat this kind of muscle dysfunction, which would decrease LABIA’s symptoms and get her back to enjoying sex again.”

But don’t stop at just getting a referral to a pelvic-floor specialist.

“Due to the fact that so many

systems live inside the pelvis which impact the vulva, several specialists may be needed to investigate and treat the potential causes of LABIA’s pain,” says Gelman. So, in addition to seeing a pelvic floor specialist, Gelman recommends you consult with a vulvar specialist. (You can find a list of vulvar specialists at the website of the National Vulvodynia Association: Go to nva.org, and click on the link to their “health care provider list.”)

“A vulvar specialist would be able to perform appropriate tests to tease out what is going on beyond what a general gynecologist may look at,” says Gelman. “And it’s important to note that the tissue around the vaginal opening is highly dependent on hormones to stay happy and healthy. Certain medications or medical conditions can impact hormone levels, which can in turn impact vulvar tissues and lead to pain. There are also underlying inflammatory conditions that could also be causing this pain.”

And even if you don’t have an underlying mental health or psychological condition, LABIA, the pain you’ve suffered — along with the resulting sexual deprivation — sounds like a lot, and talking about it with someone could help you reconnect more quickly with your ability to take pleasure in this part of your body again.

“The brain is powerful, and having vulvar pain or any kind of sexual dysfunction can be mentally draining which can further exacerbate pain,” says Gelman.

“So, a good sex therapist may also be a helpful ally here. Bottom line, vulvar pain is common and typically requires a team of providers — but help is out there.”

Find Dr. Rachel Gelman online at pelvicwellpt.com and on Instagram @ PelvicHealth.

Hey, Dan: I’m a young gay man who needs to break up with his boyfriend.

I know it, my friends all agree, I even think it’s what he wants. I’ll spare you the messy details. I just need a push. Maybe if you tell me to do, Dan, I’ll do it.

Just Another Word Marry him.

I would love to hear your feedback. I have enclosed screenshots of our text messages for your review.

Blatant Lies Or Constant Kerfuffles

Joe Newton

Hey, Dan: I’m a man in his 30s in Boston. I just got ghosted and want some advice on how to handle it. I matched with a woman online, also in her 30s, and the conversation seemed good and we agreed to meet for a drink. On the day of our planned date, I get a text saying, “Hey, I’m having a really bad day and I don’t want that to be your first impression of me, can we reschedule?” That seemed reasonable, so I agreed.

Later in the week I asked what she is up to on the weekend. I didn’t get a response until late Sunday: “I thought I replied, I’m so sorry!” I took her at her word that it was a mistake, and we rescheduled drinks. The afternoon before our rescheduled date for drinks, I texted to confirm where and when we were meeting. We agreed to meet at 7 p.m. At 6:40 p.m., I got a text from her number: “This is Boston EMS. Gertrude wanted us to let you know she won’t make it to the date.” I responded promptly, asking the paramedic what happened and if Gertrude (not her real name) was alright, and the paramedic replied that she was fine and actually more worried about me than herself. In the evening I get a text from Gertrude saying, “OMG! I’m so embarrassed!

I’m so sorry!” She explained she had a seizure. I texted her the following day to ask how she’s feeling, but received no answer.

Here is my conundrum. I have no way of knowing for sure if both situations were out of her control (her bad day, her seizure) and she’s too embarrassed to answer my texts right now or if she stood me up twice in really shitty ways and used a health crisis as an excuse the second time.

Hm. The text messages Gertrude sent you were far less interesting — and far less revealing — than the tiny photo of Gertrude at the top of them. The woman in the photo is conventionally attractive (extremely so: thin, toothy, blond, skinny), and she looks more like a teenage girl than a woman in her 30s. (Indeed, a Google image search on the picture didn’t find a match, but all the “very similar images” that came up were of teenage girls.) So, I’m gonna climb out on a very short and very sturdy limb here, BLOCK, and tell you that the person in the photo isn’t the person you’ve been messaging with.

That’s why Gertrude keeps making excuses to call off your dates — increasingly ludicrous excuses.

I mean, take this paramedic nonsense. Dude. If Gertrude was able to hand her phone to a paramedic and ask that paramedic to find one particular guy in her contacts and then send that one particular guy a message canceling a date … then Gertrude was well enough to send you that message herself.

And even if sending text messages and canceling dates were services paramedics provided — and they’re not — asking a paramedic to let a date know you’re having a seizure isn’t something a person having a seizure can do because that person is having a seizure.

So, yeah. The problem here is not that Gertrude is too embarrassed to respond to your text messages about finally getting together for that drink, BLOCK, it’s that Gertrude is too nonexistent to ever show up for that drink. You most likely won’t hear from her again, but if you do, it’ll be a request for money.

I shouldn’t have to say, “Don’t send her money,” but I’m going to say it just in case you’re really as gullible as your letter makes you seem: Don’t send her money.

questions@savagelove.net t@fakedansavage www.savage.love April 6-19, 2022 | clevescene.com |

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