San Antonio Current - December 14, 2016

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 3

AMERICA’S

WINE, SPIRITS & BEER SUPERSTORE

ss e c c u S l a t o T sa y a d i l o H r Make You $15.9 97

Fra ance. 750ml

$4 43 3.9 99

T to Ti o’s Handm dm ma ad de Vodka, 80

Crow Cr own n Ro Roya yal Wh his isky ky, 80

$26.99

$43.9 99

1.75L L

THE RIM

La

SAN ANTONIO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT

ra

nte

Ca

Va n

ce

The RIM

wy

Pk

y

Best Bu

Target

Ja

ck

so

n

Rd

Totael Win

125 Northwest Loop 410 San Antonio, TX 78216 (210) 524-9300 Mon-Sat 10am-9pm, Sun CLOSED

10 NW

p Loo

410

PARK NORTH

.

m

Iso

Rd

LA PLAZA DEL NORTE

Total Wine

NORTH STAR MALL

537

Visit us online for our holiday hours.

Enjoy the Total Wine & More Experience in 20 States. Find them at TotalWine.com

SAN-16-1212lifestyle-TAB

ge Rd

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

ium ad St es m atr diu he lla T Pa 20

onta

TotalWine

10

281

La Plaza Del Norte

10 Fr

4

TotalWineAndMore

tate

TotalWine.com

$12.99

DEL NORTE

y

kw

hP

Nort

Inters

Prices good thru 12/31/2016. Total Wine & More is not responsible for typographical errors, human error or supplier price increases. Same Price Cash or Credit. Products while supplies last. We reserve the right to limit quantities. Total Wine & More is a registered trademark of Retail Services & Systems, Inc. © 2016 Retail Services & Systems, Inc. All rights reserved. Please drink responsibly. Use a designated driver.

17530 La Cantera Pkwy.

San Antonio, TX 78257 (210) 877-9155 Mon-Sat 10am-9pm, Sun CLOSED

12-1 12o 2ozz bttls

1..75L L

Pro Bass s Shop

The Rim (Next to Target)

Sh S hin ine err Boc ock k

Mc Alli ste r F wy

Califo Ca orn rnia a. 75 50 0m ml

V uv Ve ve Clic cquot Brut c N NV

San Pedro Ave .

Meio omi Pino nott No Noir

Your Adventure Begins Here.

11

VIVA culture connects you with museums, parks, theaters, art galleries and the zoo.

40

VIVA missions takes you to the historic San Antonio Missions World Heritage Site.

301

VIVA centro travels through the heart of downtown from Centro Plaza to Sunset Station.

UNLIMITED RIDES ALL DAY PASSES AVAILABLE ON THE BUS VIAinfo.net/VIVA

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 5

圀䄀吀䔀刀 刀䔀匀伀唀刀䌀䔀 匀䌀䤀䔀一䌀䔀 伀唀刀 䴀伀匀吀 嘀䄀䰀唀䄀䈀䰀䔀 一䄀吀唀刀䄀䰀 刀䔀匀伀唀刀䌀䔀

倀爀攀瀀愀爀攀 昀漀爀 攀洀瀀氀漀礀洀攀渀琀 椀渀 琀栀攀 眀愀琀攀爀 琀爀攀愀琀洀攀渀琀 椀渀搀甀猀琀爀礀℀ 䰀攀愀爀渀 琀漀 洀漀渀椀琀漀爀Ⰰ 琀爀漀甀戀氀攀猀栀漀漀琀Ⰰ 愀渀搀 挀栀攀洀椀挀愀氀氀礀 挀氀攀愀渀 攀焀甀椀瀀洀攀渀琀 攀猀猀攀渀琀椀愀氀 昀漀爀 琀栀攀 琀爀攀愀琀洀攀渀琀 漀昀 眀愀琀攀爀⼀眀愀猀琀攀眀愀琀攀爀⸀ 䜀攀琀 琀栀攀 琀攀挀栀渀椀挀愀氀 愀渀搀 猀挀椀攀渀琀椀昀椀挀 欀渀漀眀氀攀搀最攀 琀漀 漀戀琀愀椀渀 氀椀挀攀渀猀甀爀攀 椀渀 琀栀椀猀 昀椀攀氀搀⸀

PERMANENT COSMETICS

BY JEANETTE MCCRIGHT DAAM-SPCP

JANUARY SPECIAL

PERMANENT EYELINER $100 *MUST MENTION THIS AD (EXPIRES 12/31/16) *EXCLUDES EYE SHADOW, CONCEALER, TINT & PERM

SPECIALIZING IN: EYEBROWS • EYELINER BLUSH • HIGHLIGHTER LIPS • LIP LINER • TINT/PERM LASHES

210-826-8836

8503 BROADWAY, SUITE 114 @ LOOP 410 PERMANENTCOSMETICSBYJEANETTEMCCRIGHT.COM RECOMMENDED BY PHYSICIANS FOR 25 YEARS!

San Antonio Current Publisher: Michael Wagner Editor in Chief: Michael Barajas Associate Publisher: Lara Fischer

Editorial

Senior Editors: Bryan Rindfuss, Jessica Elizarraras Art Director: Sarah Flood-Baumann Food & Nightlife Editor: Jessica Elizarraras Staff Writer: Alex Zielinski Digital Content Editor: Alejandra Lopez Contributors: Alexis Barnhart, Ron Bechtol, Karah Carmack, Erik Casarez, James Courtney, Callie Enlow, Jade Esteban Estrada, Dan R. Goddard, Lance Higdon, Steve Jansen, Steven G. Kellman, Michelle C. Lorentzen, Abby Mangel, Kiko Martínez, Jeremy Martin, Jeff Meyers, Eric Moreno, Ben Olivo, M. Solis, Mark Stenberg, Gary Sweeney, Shannon Sweet, J.D. Swerzenski, Erin Winch Editorial Interns: Patricia Valdez, Rachel Cooley

Advertising 3 3 0 E B a s s e R d # 1 0 5 | 2 1 0 - 6 6 7- 4 5 8 2

䄀圀䄀刀䐀匀 伀䘀䘀䔀刀䔀䐀 䄀猀猀漀挀椀愀琀攀 漀昀 䄀瀀瀀氀椀攀搀 匀挀椀攀渀挀攀 䌀攀爀琀椀昀椀挀愀琀攀 䴀愀爀欀攀琀愀戀氀攀 匀欀椀氀氀猀 䄀眀愀爀搀

Sales Manager: Chelsea Bourque Account Manager: Ashley McLean Senior Multimedia Account Executive: Carlos Aguirre Jr., Gerry Martinez Multimedia Account Executives: Sarah Estrada, Hannah Hartnett, Jenavie Aguilar

Marketing and Events

Marketing and Events Director: Cassandra Yardeni Promotions and Events Manager: Mary Gonzales Marketing Intern: Brianna Mendez

䐀爀⸀ 䠀漀眀愀爀搀 䴀愀爀焀甀椀猀攀Ⰰ 倀爀漀最爀愀洀 䌀漀漀爀搀椀渀愀琀漀爀 ⠀㈀㄀ ⤀ 㐀㠀㘀ⴀ㐀㌀㔀㔀 簀 栀洀愀爀焀甀椀猀攀䀀愀氀愀洀漀⸀攀搀甀

Creative Services

Creative Services Manager: John Mata Graphic Designer: Tina Corbeil Creative Service Interns: Phillip Knowles, Joseph Drake, Rosario Corona

一漀爀琀栀眀攀猀琀 嘀椀猀琀愀 䌀漀氀氀攀最攀 ㌀㔀㌀㔀 一⸀ 䔀氀氀椀猀漀渀 䐀刀 匀愀渀 䄀渀琀漀渀椀漀Ⰰ 吀堀 㜀㠀㈀㔀㄀ 愀氀愀洀漀⸀攀搀甀⼀渀瘀挀

Business

@hemline_sanantonio

Operations Manager: Sarah Estrada

Circulation

Circulation Manager: Richard Garcia

TURN YOUR GAME

Euclid Media Group

Chief Executive Officer: Andrew Zelman Chief Operating Officers: Chris Keating, Michael Wagner Human Resources Director: Lisa Beilstein Digital Operations Coordinator: Jaime Monzon Senior Marketing and Events Director: Cassandra Yardeni www.euclidmediagroup.com

HARDWARE INTO STACKS OF CASH!

National Advertising: Voice Media Group 1-888-278-9866, voicemediagroup.com

圀䔀 䐀䔀匀䤀䜀一⸀

San Antonio Current 915 Dallas San Antonio, Texas 78215 sacurrent.com Editorial - (210) 227-0044 / Fax - (210) 227-7755 Display Advertising - (210) 227-0044 Fax - (210) 227-7733 Classified - (210) 227-CLAS / Fax - (210) 227-7733 The San Antonio Current is published by Euclid Media Group

圀 䔀 倀 刀 䤀 一 吀⸀

Verified Audit Member San Antonio Distribution – The Current is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader.

We pay cash for your CDs, DVDs, Games & Game Hardware!

9861 IH-10 West • 641-1600 3703 Broadway • 828-5525 6997 Bandera Rd. • 509-3472

6

803 SW Military • 928-3472 8235 Agora Pkwy • 566-9200 5253 Walzem • 650-3472

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

13486 US 281 • 545-3472 5442 Evers • 680-3472 6900 San Pedro • 826-2662

圀䔀 䐀䔀䰀䤀嘀䔀刀⸀

刀伀䌀䬀䤀一䴀伀一䬀䔀夀⸀䌀伀䴀 ㈀㄀ 㤀 㠀 㤀㠀㈀㐀 ㄀ ㌀㄀ 䔀 一䄀䬀伀䴀䄀Ⰰ 匀吀䔀 ㄀ ㈀ 匀䄀一 䄀一吀伀一䤀伀Ⰰ 吀堀 㜀㠀㈀㄀㘀

Get listed 1. Visit sacurrent.com 2. Click “Calendar” and then “Submit an Event” 3. Follow the steps to submit your event details Please allow 48 hours for review and approval.

Event submissions are not accepted by phone.

Copyright - The entire contents of the San Antonio Current are copyright 2015 by Euclid Media Group LLC. Reproduction in whole or in part without written permission of the publisher is prohibited. Publisher does not assume any liability for unsolicited manuscripts, materials, or other content. Any submission must include a stamped, self-addressed envelope. All editorial, advertising, and business correspondence should be mailed to the address listed above.

Subscriptions - Additional copies or back issues may be purchased at the Current offices for $1. Six-month domestic subscriptions may be purchased for $75; one-year subscriptions for $125.

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 7

FIRST WORDS

1

• Send your thoughts, comments, kudos or tips to letters@sacurrent.com

Texas Medicaid won’t cover the most common autism treatment for children: “My son’s opportunity for a self-sufficient life requires ABA and a great deal of autism, speech and other treatments.

It is demoralizing at best to read this and know more challenges await given ‘pre-existing condition’ clauses are likely to be reinstated when the Affordable Care Act is repealed and/or redesigned :( ” – Ted Fortezzo Satanic Temple vows to fight Texas’ fetal burial rule: “When you find yourself cheering on the satanic temple, it’s probably time for a long look in the mirror.”

– Trisha Holder Moran San Antonio “bans the box,” won’t ask about criminal history on city job applications: “This does nothing but waste people’s time. Once they run the background check it can still eliminate you from the position.” – Angela Patino Seba Private university asks for government immunity in lawsuit over student shot and killed by campus cop: “If that’s the case then maybe UIW should turn over control of campus police to local authorities.”

– John Perez Council votes to keep rideshare in San Antonio: “Y’all do know that without background checks ANYBODY can be your driver. Please use caution when entering into a vehicle.” – Anthony Cruz

IN THIS

ISSUE Issue 16_50 /// December 14-20

11

14

NEWS

Heavy Breathing Eagle Ford air pollution case ends with a whimper

COVER The unprecedented resistance that (at least temporarily) stalled the construction of an oil pipeline through North Dakota’s Standing Rock Native American Reservation is about more than just Standing Rock. In this week’s feature, writer Greg Harman explores how the message of Standing Rock is resonating in Texas as activists gear up for yet another pipeline fight along the southwest border.

Cover photo by Greg Harman Art direction by Sarah Flood-Baumann

8

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

FEATURE

Digging In What the resistance at Standing Rock means for a world wrapped in pipelines

Herbal Supplement San Antonio Lawmaker Wants to Fix Texas’ Useless Medical Marijuana Law

20

CALENDAR

Our top picks for the week

14

Private School, Government Immunity UIW makes one final attempt to toss lawsuit over Cameron Redus shooting

27

33

ARTS + CULTURE

37

FOOD

Not-So Regional Several areas worth of flavor at Royal Cuisine

End of an Era

Say ‘adiós’ to quirky Monte Vista mainstay On Main Off Main

ON THE

20

Food Court Sweet treats for the holidays, and a new restaurant from Empty Stomach

40

NIGHTLIFE

MUSIC

Jingle Your Bells Some alternative holiday concerts to rock your halls

Festive Brews The holidays just got hoppier Boozy Holidays 4 ways to drink this season

Music Calendar What to see and hear this week

37

51

ETC.

Savage Love Jonesin’ Crossword Freewill Astrology

2nd Annual

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15 | 6 - 9 P.M. | QUARRY VILLAGE Join us for a free, family-friendly evening in the Quarry Village!

CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING | FOOD & DRINKS SAMPLE | LIVE CAROLERS HOLIDAY SALES & GIVEAWAYS | A PLAY ZONE FILLED WITH REAL SNOW

sacurrent.com • November 23-29, 2016 • CURRENT 9

christmas

at the TOWER Christmas Eve 11am - 1pm Christmas Day 1pm - 8pm

Photos with

Santa

Every Thursday - Sunday 5pm - 10pm until December 23rd.

CHRISTMAS DINNER at chart house 739 E. Cesar E. Chavez Blvd. • San Antonio • 210-223-3101 • toweroftheamericas.com 10

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

NEWS

SHUTTERSTOCK

MICHAEL BARAJAS | @MICHAELSBARAJAS

HEAVY BREATHING Eagle Ford air pollution case ends with a whimper ≥

Myra and Mike Cerny moved from the San Antonio suburbs into a fixer-upper house on a oneacre tract of land in Karnes County several years before oil companies discovered the shale gas revolution beneath the South Texas dirt.

The Cernys wanted a quiet country life, but by 2010 companies eager to frack the Eagle Ford Shale had begun to encircle their small, onestory country home. Sure, there were the modest, if not sporadic, royalties checks.

But soon enough, Mike began to suffer from debilitating headaches. Myra started to notice mysterious rashes on her arms and legs. Their teenage son had frequent, gushing nosebleeds.

Seemingly overnight, the Cerneys had become a family of asthmatics, regularly sucking down albuterol inhalers just to breathe.

It wasn’t just the health problems. The Cernys had to get used to the ground shaking once drilling started near the house. Sometimes the walls would rattle, and small cracks started to form in the ceiling. Pallets often flew off the backs of oilfield services trucks in front of their house, more than once flattening their mailbox.

After a while, Mike stopped buying new ones.

In a way, the Cernys were pioneers, among the first ordinary people in the Eagle Ford to sue over oil and gas activity that had suddenly

landed on their doorstep. In their lawsuit filed in Karnes County two years ago, the Cernys claimed that benzene, toluene and other toxic chemicals belching from two nearby facilities (owned by Marathon and Plains Exploration & Production) had basically made their lives miserable.

Experts compared their case to some of the earliest suits filed against the tobacco industry.

But last week, the Cernys’ lawsuit ended with a whimper when the Texas Supreme Court refused to hear the case, upholding a lower court’s decision to dismiss their claims on the grounds that they couldn’t definitively prove their health problems were tied to oil and gas activity Which is curious, considering Texas’ own oil-friendly environmental regulators had already found elevated – and illegal – oil refinery-like emissions surrounding the Cernys.

In 2013, we profiled the Cernys as they tried to get Marathon, local officials, and the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality to take their complaints seriously. At the time, Myra said she’d wake up in the middle of the night with her eyes burning, rushing to the sink to splash water on her face. Depending on which way the wind blew, the chemical stench outside their house was sometimes vomit-inducing. Family

members would no longer visit because the stink bothered them too much.

As we reported in 2013, a TCEQ investigation would eventually show that at the nearby Marathon site, emissions of benzene, a known carcinogen, and other irritants far surpassed permitted levels. Experts told us that chemical emissions around the Cernys’ house were sometimes as bad as you’d find near an oil refinery.

The Cernys filed their lawsuit not long after a North Texas family, Bob and Lisa Parr, scored a groundbreaking, $2.9 million judgment against Planobased oil company Aruba Petroleum. The couple, who were featured in anti-fracking filmmaker Josh Fox’s Gasland II documentary, deployed the same argument the Cernys would later make – that toxic emissions had created a nuisance that had made life unbearable. In its court filings appealing the verdict, Aruba has cited the Cernys’ case.

Tommy Ramirez, the attorney who represented the Cernys in their lawsuit, called the Texas Supreme Court’s decision to let the case die before a jury could hear it “a terrible injustice for this family still living in these very difficult conditions.”

“I am very disappointed that all levels of our Texas courts totally disregarded decades of nuisance laws to rule in favor of the oil company,” he told the Current.

HERBAL SUPPLEMENT San Antonio Lawmaker Wants to Fix Texas’ Useless Medical Marijuana Law MICHAEL BARAJAS | @MICHAELSBARAJAS

> Believe it or not, Texas actually has a medical marijuana law on the books, which is a pretty big deal when you consider the rest of the draconian laws governing all things pot in this state.

The thing is, the state’s first-ever medical marijuana law is practically useless — not just because it limits medicinal herb to extracts containing high levels of cannabidiol, or CBD oil, and only trace levels of THC, the stuff that actually gets you high. And not just because many other “medical marijuana” states, unlike Texas, allow for anything from CBD oil all the way to a big fat joint to treat anything from epilepsy to post-traumatic stress.

Texas’ version actually contains a quirk that might as well have killed it: under the law, doctors have to “prescribe” marijuana to patients with intractable seizure disorders (rather than “recommend” or “certify” or whatever other legal massaging is necessary), and that’s something very few doctors are willing to do so long as the feds consider pot a Schedule 1 drug (on par with heroin or LSD). Doctors who “prescribe” any form of cannabis could risk losing their DEA license to prescribe controlled substances, among other legal consequences.

So last week, state Sen. Jose Menéndez filed a bill for the upcoming legislative session that would bring actual medical marijuana to Texas (the kind 28 other states have passed), fixing the “prescribe” language and allowing any kind patient any kind of pot so long as it’s under “strict consultation and recommendation from their doctor.” At a press conference in Austin announcing his Senate Bill 269, the San Antonio Democrat was flanked by patients asking for expanded access to cannabis, including military veterans.

“Doctors, not politicians, should be determining what is best for Texas patients,” Menéndez said. “This is legitimate medicine that can help a variety of sick people, from the grandmother suffering from cancer to the veteran coping with PTSD after returning home from war.”

In addition to supporting a bill like Menéndez’s, marijuana reform activists in Texas are pushing for legislation that would reform the state’s’ harsh criminal penalties for simple pot possession, hoping to make it a fine-only offense. sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 11

NEWS

MICHAEL BARAJAS | @MICHAELSBARAJAS

NICK JUHASZ VIA CREATIVE COMMONS

PRIVATE SCHOOL, GOVERNMENT IMMUNITY UIW makes its final attempt to toss lawsuit over Cameron Redus shooting

The University of Incarnate Word is a private institution. That is, unless one of its cops, while off campus for a fast food run, spots someone driving erratically, follows them to their off-campus apartment, gets into a confrontation and then guns them down in the parking lot. In that case, according to UIW attorneys, that private school police officer was doing the government’s work.

That’s the basic argument UIW took to the Texas Supreme Court last week in its lastditch attempt to toss a lawsuit filed against the university by the family of Cameron Redus, the 23-year-old student shot and killed by former UIW police officer Christopher Carter. On Wednesday, almost three years to the day after Redus’ slaying, UIW went before the court to argue that the university’s police department should be considered a “governmental unit” because its officers are licensed by the state. It’s a novel argument, lawyers involved with the case say, and if the justices agree, UIW would be shielded from liability under the Texas Tort Claims Act. Redus’ parents say that would be a devastating outcome in their years-long legal battle to determine exactly what happened to their son. Their attorney, Brent Perry, says that if UIW prevails at the Supreme Court, it would allow the university to skirt responsibility for serious problems in how it staffs and trains its police force. “We think UIW is, bottom line, responsible for what happened,” he

12

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

told the Current. “They didn’t train or control their officer, they sent him out poorly equipped, and a kid ended up dead because of it.”

Carter was off-campus for a 2 am Whataburger run on December 6, 2013 when he says he saw Redus hit a curb while heading north on Broadway.

Redus, whose blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit, had been out celebrating the end of the semester with friends, and had just left Brass Monkey shortly before last call.

Carter had no way of knowing Redus was a student, and the university has never explained why a campus cop would follow a random car for several blocks off campus. Carter never attempted to stop Redus, and only confronted the student once he’d arrived at his Alamo Heights apartment complex, parked his car, exited the vehicle, and had started to walk toward his apartment.

Mickey and Valerie Redus, Cameron’s parents, say answers have been hard to come by ever since their son’s death – and what little information has been released, they say, only raises more questions. In Carter’s version of events, Cameron, who was unarmed, resisted when the officer tried to handcuff and arrest him as he walked toward his apartment. Carter claims he fired his weapon six times because Cameron charged at him with a raised fist. An autopsy report released months after the shooting shows five bullets struck Cameron at point-blank range. One of the fatal shots hit

Cameron in the back; the other fatal bullet entered through Cameron’s left eye at a sharp downward angle, exiting the back of his neck. After UIW and Alamo Heights police refused to release any other information about the case, the Redus family sued the officer and university, hoping answers and reforms to UIW’s police force would soon follow.

That hasn’t happened. UIW’s appeals seeking government immunity for a private institution has effectively stalled the case for years, Perry says, meaning there’s been no discovery, no depositions, no public accounting of how UIW selects, trains and equips its officers. Carter was no-billed by a Bexar County grand jury in 2014.

“We can’t see the clothing Cameron was wearing that night. We can’t see any officers’ reports, none of their testimony, or anything that was in the [district attorney’s] file – we cant see any of that stuff,” Mickey told the Current. “We went to court because that was the only way we could get answers, and now, to me, they’re just prolonging the pain and frustration.”

“To be clear, UIW is a private institution of higher learning, and it is not claiming to be a public entity, but rather its law enforcement agency is entitled to the same protections that apply to all other Texas law enforcement agencies,” the university’s attorneys wrote in a prepared statement last week.

The Texas Supreme Court is expected to make a decision on the appeal sometime next year.

Nurse Practitioner

Is everyone you love covered?

Associates

From weight loss programs to hormone replacement therapies, we have solutions for patients going through many of the trials that our bodies put us through.

• Weight loss HURRY! Enroll by Dec. 15 for Jan. 1 coverage.

Most pay only $50-100/month.

Free help is close by. Come find out how affordable insurance can be.

Our trained pros can help match your needs to the best available health plan.

Come in. Get covered.

San Antonio Enrollment Assistance Centers North: Westover Marketplace • 119 SW Loop 410 • (210) 347-1274 South: 1950 SW Military Drive • (210) 347-4127 EnrollSA • Monday – Saturday • Se habla español

• Family medicine and psychiatry - accepting new patients • Anti-aging treatments • Hormone replacement thereapy -transgender healthcare For complete list of services, visit

ial! ls! c e i s Sp deta

nursepractitionerassociates.com

311 W. Laurel St., San Antonio, TX 78212

1-844-457-8525

Los r more t h ig ll fo

We 6 | Ca h t 3/1 m 50/ 12/2

$1 piresex

MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT GOT YOU DOWN? CHRIS MAYO IS HERE TO PICK YOU UP! CALL SAN ANTONIO’S #1 PERSONAL INJURY LAWYER!

FREE CONSULTATION (210) 999-9999

WWW.CHRISMAYOLAW.COM CAR ACCIDENTS | 18 WHEELER ACCIDENTS | MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENTS MEDICAL MALPRACTICE | SLIP & FALLS | DOG BITES

IF YOU’VE BEEN HURT IN AN ACCIDENT, OUR LEGAL TEAM AT THE CHRIS MAYO LAW FIRM BELIEVES YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES ON YOUR OWN. sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 13

FEATURE

WHAT THE RESISTANCE AT STANDING ROCK

MEANS FOR A WORLD WRAPPED IN PIPELINES WORDS + PHOTOS GREG HARMAN

14 CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

FEATURE

AT THE OCETI SAKOWIN CAMP, just outside the Standing Rock Native American Reservation in North Dakota, the sun seems to rise in the west. Thanks to the north’s low-slung winter sun, there’s never a midday, not one recognizable to a South Texas denizen.

It seems perpetually dawn or dusk, sacred moments for gathering or dispersing. In this Native American resistance camp, a shallow stretch of disputed land caught between a blockaded highway, an oil-companyoccupied bluff of burning white light, and a smoothly flowing Cannonball River, there’s a constant influx of fresh supporters entering along a flag-lined dirt road, where the colors of supporting tribes and peoples from around the world wave day and night. And there are tracks of packed earth where those resisting the “black snake” exit again to stand off against construction crews and an army of public and private security details.

“They tried to burn us out,” a man tells me upon arrival,

not to be the last with the news. “What kind of person does that? There’s women and children in this camp.”

I’m still trying to orient myself. The black, scorched hills across two-laned Highway 1806 and the bridge barricaded with burnt vehicles, cement security barriers, and razor wire to prevent access to the pipeline’s staging area all lie to the north. I have to remind myself, the sun rises from the east. But the reasoning doesn’t set. In the morning, as the frost begins to slip away, the world is still upside down as a daily water ceremony gets underway.

More than 100 venture quietly in shy steps down Flag Road to the banks of the quiet Cannonball. They come to honor the women here, the water carriers, and sprinkle fingerfuls of tobacco on the imperturbable waters.

Downstream, young men patiently tend to their horses as others re-enter the world through tent flaps to poke their campfires awake. For those of us not camped out on “Facebook Hill,” the one site in Oceti where a cell signal is sometimes possible, news comes not from a device but from those around us. Sometimes it comes late.

Sometimes it repeats itself. Sometimes it elaborates.

On this first morning, I’m told the hilltop fire struck at about midnight two nights before our small group pulled into camp. “You should have seen it,” this one laughs, re-telling the story. “The wind turned around and pushed it back on them.”

Speaking to Democracy Now!, Dallas Goldtooth of the Indigenous Environmental Network spoke of a vehicle doing donuts in the middle of the highway late that night, perhaps as a distraction, before racing away to the south. “And immediately after that, flames were seen on top of the hill.”

While many here speak of going to the “front lines” to square off — non-violently and almost always with prayers sung — against the militarized forces guarding the pipeline, this entire camp built on contested land claims has been the front line in the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation’s fight against the $ 3.7-billion Dakota Access Pipeline (DAPL). As testified to by the rise of Standing Rock solidarity actions that popped up around the world, it’s become a front line in the global fight against extraction and industry-engineered climate chaos, as well. These actions, including a divestment campaign targeting DAPL investor WellsFargo, have continued even since the camp began a victorious dissolution last week after the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers denied the pipeline a permit to tunnel beneath the reservation’s primary source of drinking water, Lake Oahe.

“The market already knows that carbon is dead,” environmental activist and attorney Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said on a recent visit to the camp. “The only thing keeping it alive is infrastructure.” That infrastructure is now under increasing assault in places like Mississippi, Georgia, Washington State — and, slowly but steadily, the most heavily pipelined of states, Texas.

While protests in support of Standing Rock have been

held in every major Texas city in recent months, a campaign against the Trans-Pecos Pipeline, owned by Dallas-based Energy Transfer Partners (soon to do business as Sunoco), the majority interest pushing DAPL, has been gathering strength. Marches involving sometimes hundreds of people have shaken the fences at a pipeline site in Alpine; waved banners and banged drums at the multi million-dollar Lajitas Resort overlooking the Rio Grande (owned by ETP CEO Kelcy Warren); crossed onto the pipeline easement itself closer to Marfa to hold a traditional indigenous ceremony; and last week three pipeline opponents in Alpine chained themselves to the gates at a Pumpco, Inc., pipe yard, a subcontractor of ETP. In other words, the message of Standing Rock is resonating. The model has been framed among the tents, tarps, teepees, and yurts raised up these past months on Lakota and purported U.S. Army Corps of Engineers land.

Though drastically whittled down by waves of European immigration and U.S. military muscle and broken treaties, it’s a land the Sioux, the Oceti Sakowin, or “Seven Council Fires,” more properly, never ceded to their occupiers.

Some, like a band of Oglala brothers who tease me mercilessly at the camp for my yellow shoelaces at an early morning campfire before offering me food, joined the fight here at the beginning and never left. Others stop by for a day or two, including a healthy dose of celebrities. Some, like actor Shailene Woodley, arrested for trespassing and “engaging in a riot,” have come out multiple times. Others linger for weeks but worry about winter.

Our small group, which made the 24-hour drive from Austin, Texas, in the first part of November to deliver donated medical supplies, will stay for a week, offering labor to the camp, bodies to the non-violent contest against the Morton County Sheriff’s Office and a strange stew of regional law enforcement and militarized security forces. We also came to serve as a witness to the struggle, a witness we each pledge to carry home and share with our own communities.

There are roughly 2,000 camped here this week, reflecting a global interest that has drawn support from more than 300 indigenous tribes and nations and an untold number of non-native allies. Cries of “Mni Wiconi,” Lakota for “water is life,” erupt spontaneously at all hours here, to be answered enthusiastically in a ragged chorus with “Mni Wiconi!” and “No DAPL!” It rings out as the camp first stirs and one of the elders tending the sacred fire off Flag Road announces over the PA system: “Wake up! Wake up! We didn’t come to sleep!” It rings at dusk as people start to settle back into their camps. It rings out at the low-flying planes and helicopters that circle constantly and at the floodlights on the hill.

As horrendous — though ultimately innocuous — as the torching of the hills across the highway was, I come to learn of many other criminal offenses targeting this camp. Well-documented and just as brutal assaults by marked and unmarked members of the pipeline-obligated police state are a fact of life here. sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 15

FEATURE

AS HUNDREDS OF NATIVE AMERICAN VETERANS WERE LINING UP at the camp, preparing to march out to the blockaded bridge for a color guard ceremony and 21-gun salute on Veteran’s Day, our group piled into a pickup truck to help shut down construction of the pipeline further to the south. Dozens of protectors rushed across the slash of loose, turned earth, many with billowing blue wind socks proclaiming, “Mni Wiconi,” to pray over the pipeline and call on workers to leave their jobs. Despite one near-scuffle with a pipeline employee and minor property damage to some of the equipment, there is no violence and few arrests. It is far from the no-holds-barred police responses that have followed other similar actions.

Here at Standing Rock, there have been dogs sikked on self-described water protectors (“not protestors,” we are reminded repeatedly); there has been an indiscriminate use of rubber bullets, tear gas, and pepper spray, the last of which is shot out of canisters the size of fire extinguishers.

On a recent below-freezing night, security forces sprayed people for hours with water cannons and tear gas and badgered them with rubber bullets. It was on this night that 21-year-old Sophia Wilansky was hit by some kind of explosive. Witnesses say it was a concussion grenade hurled by the police, a claim supported by family and medical staff at the receiving hospital. The explosion “blew the bone out of her arm,” according to one report.

“There have been many human-rights abuses that have gone on here in the last four months,” Kandi Mossett, an organizer with the Indigenous Environmental Network, tells me on Veteran’s Day, as dozens of protectors spill out over a pipeline site many miles south of camp to shut down construction there.

“We’ve been sprayed in the face, we’ve been bitten by dogs, we’ve been knocked down. We’ve been taken to jails and dehumanized, stripped down, strip searched,” Mossett said. An elderly couple tell me they are facing multiple felony charges, linked in part to allegations of arson rooted in their maintaining of a fire for their sweat lodge ceremonies. I’m told of women being held in dog cages at overcrowded jails. Of property being returned to the camp after one police raid covered in feces and urine.

A class-action lawsuit filed on November 28 included a request for a temporary restraining order against the Morton County Sheriff’s Office accuses the department of a “violent, unjustified, and unprovoked physical attack on Plaintiffs and others, without warning or opportunity to disperse.” It also alleges practices that are fairly obvious when viewing the livestreams of the assaults posted on Facebook, including the use of Specialty Impact Munitions, or “SIM (such as lead-filled, shotgun-fired ‘beanbags’ and high-velocity plastic and foam rubber ‘sponge rounds’); explosive flashbang-like grenades such as ‘Instantaneous Blast CS grenades’ and Stinger grenades; other chemical agent devices; and a high pressure water cannon and fire hoses, despite the subfreezing temperature.”

16 CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

THE MESSAGE OF STANDING ROCK offers a contagious and apparently controversial challenge that water equals life — that water, in other words, is to be prized more than oil. Yet as President-Elect Trump prepares to come to power with promises to revive the Keystone XL pipeline and expand all manner of carbon-rich petroleum plays, statistics concerning pipeline spills — an average of 250 per year — become increasingly important. The U.S. Department of Transportation Pipeline and Hazardous Materials Safety Administration, for instance, lists 5,675 pipeline spills between 1996 and 2015, which resulted in a recorded 347 deaths and 1,346 injuries. While the PHMSA doesn’t list the amount of oil, gas, and hazardous substance released from those breaks, or direct damage to drinking-water supplies, it estimates the total financial cost of the spills at $7.5 billion.

Most days, a small plane circles the camp, we assume

taking pictures, possibly scooping up cellphone data.

Sometimes a helicopter, which can fly lower to the ground, will join in. On our fourth night at camp, we can’t see the plane that circles us. Its lights are off, in a likely violation of federal law. Only its droning motor, and an occasionally visible silhouette against the moonilluminated clouds provide us evidence. A possibly darker side of this understood surveillance comes to light while running errands in Mandan when a new friend relays his experience with a cropduster he said sprayed the camp in the early morning. “We were running to get away from it,” the man says. “My friend, who is a lot lighter than I am, passed out right away. I was sick for a week.”

If complete, the 1,172-mile line — the “black snake” many here call it, weaving in explanations drawn from indigenous prophesies from several tribes — would move as much as 570,000 barrels of fracked Bakken shale oil to an energy hub in Illinois. Much of that is then expected to

FEATURE

pass through to Sunoco’s (AKA ETP’s) Nederland, Texas, refinery. This local connection has put ETP CEO Kelcy Warren under increasing scrutiny as a Texas response to Standing Rock builds and pushback against two ETP pipelines under construction in West Texas grows.

Appointed by Texas Gov. Greg Abbott to the Texas Parks and Wildlife Commission, the billionaire high-dollar Republican donor was met by more than 100 protectors at the commission’s November meeting who sung, chanted, and prayed for more than an hour and a half before a few dozen entered the meeting to challenge the inclusion of Warren among its board members.

Warren was targeted again and again by commenters speaking ostensibly on a proposal to clear a swathe across protected marshland in East Texas for San Antonio-based GT Logistic’s coil of refined petroleum fuel pipelines for an easy path to the global market. Many speakers closed their thoughts decrying the presence of

an oilman so committed to industrializing the landscape on a commission meant to protect natural Texas.

In the end, Warren and one other commissioner recused themselves from the vote and the measure died for lack of quorum.

The Dakota Access pipeline, however, has plenty of partners and an array of financial backers who can’t be happy with the delays, including Enbridge Energy Partners and Marathon

The TransPecos Pipeline in October before being sunk into the ground on the edge of Alpine, Texas.

Petroleum Corp. Investor Wells-Fargo has specifically been targeted with actions across the state and beyond calling on customers to pull their accounts. With last week’s permit denial, ETP is guaranteed to overshoot its January 1, 2016, completion deadline, meaning its contracted customers will be able to walk away from their prior commitments, threatening a major financial loss if not the completion of the pipeline itself, according to a report prepared by the Institute for Energy Economics and Financial Analysis and Sightline Institute. The combination of low oil prices and depressed Bakken production threaten to make DAPL a “stranded asset.”

“The rush to build the controversial Dakota Access Pipeline stems largely from the financial motivations of Energy Transfer Partners, motivations that do not necessarily coincide with the interests of Bakken oil drillers or with any economic rationale for increased regional pipeline capacity,” that report concludes.

ETP opponents from the West Texas organizations Defend Big Bend, Big Bend Defense Coalition, and a raft of tribal and pan-indigenous groups and their allies would like to see the same happen with the Trans-Pecos Pipeline being run to Mexico from the West Texas Permian Basin.

There have been two major marches on the TransPecos, the most recent involving a direct action on November 20 in which around 20 protectors crossed onto the pipeline construction site outside Marfa to hold a ceremony, complete with Aztec dancing, drumming, and singing. The event overwhelmed the limited security on site at the time. The group chanted “Defend Big Bend!” while members of San Antonio-based Kalpulli Ameyaltonal performed Cazador, described as a warrior’s dance in which the hunter makes agreement with the earth for the provisioning of their people.

“Sometimes we do have to stand up to our government,” Lori Glover said over a bullhorn, mobilizing the crowd of roughly 100 gathered at the Marfa Mystery Lights Viewing Area before the march and site occupation. “And sometimes we do have to stand in the way of things they think are in our best interest that really aren’t.”

Glover, of the newly formed Big Bend Defense Coalition, was one of two arrested last week for criminal trespass after she U-Locked her neck to a pipe yard fence in Alpine. When a struggling Brewster County Sheriff’s Deputy asked a pipeline employee if they had a bigger bolt cutter on site to help break Glover free, the response, she said, was: “No. But I have a blowtorch.”

BACK IN THE HIGH CHIHUAHUAN DESERT OF FAR WEST TEXAS, across the pockmarked Permian oil patch, in the shadow of the Twin Sisters looming over Alpine from the west, I returned to a sun standing straight up, often seemingly all day. This is where I first started writing about flaming petrochemical plants and those forced to breathe that benzene-ringed smog they generated. In the late ‘90s, I became intimately acquainted with struggles against proposed radioactive waste dumps targeting politically disenfranchised communities. The open-loop industrial systems offering their waste, and sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 17

531 Navarro St, SA, Texas 78205

Antiques & Oddities 1423 E Commerce St, San Antonio, TX • (210) 827-5555

ay d i l o H w e N s e v a H t Mus EEK! EVERY

Make the big gift a

SCOOTER!!!!

W

H ey E y e C a n dy. c o m

18 CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

#ShopLocal

@ H ey E y e C a n dy

2423 AUSTIN HWY • 210.654.0211 • THEMOTORCYCLESHOPSA.COM

FEATURE

more waste, that had to go … somewhere, flowed along the path of least resistance. As, I later came to understand, they did so everywhere. This was the end of the pipe, both metaphorically and literally.

With the media beginning to make climate science more accessible, more available in the last 20 years, debates over local environmental justice fights have catapulted into global significance. With each collaborative offering of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, always a few years behind the current research, the prognosis only grew more dire as the upper atmosphere’s heat-trapping greenhouse layer thickened thanks to the massive amounts of petroleum-combusted gases being released from pipes across the planet. This: The Black Snake tightening its grip.

After hundreds of thousands of years of human emergence and evolution in a life-coddling climate — the temperate interglacial Holocene era, marked by greenhouse gases fluctuating generally between 200 and 250 parts per million — geologists have begun debating the planet’s crossing into a new geologic age, that of the “Anthropocene,” in which humans become recognized as the dominant force affecting planetary changes. With the greenhouse thickening to 400 parts per million in the last few years, a corresponding heat has taken hold. Fifteen of the last 16 years have been the hottest since reliable record-keeping began in the 1800’s. Projections just a couple decades ago about future megastorms, the entrenchment of “permanent” drought, rising seas and wildfires, have—thanks to ever-improving climate science—begun to be discerned today in destructive weather patterns, also increasing in frequency.

But it’s not just heat. We’ve gutted the world’s forests— mowing down half of the world’s tropical rainforests in less than 50 years; forced animal and plant species into a death spiral not seen since the extinction of the dinosaurs; pushed ocean life, absorbing most of the industrially added heat and most of the acidic CO2, into a rush toward collapse. Talk of humanity threading this rapidly constricting needle’s eye of ecological collapse is now treated with a straight face by much of the research community.

“By the time today’s children reach middle age, it is extremely likely that Earth’s life-support systems, critical for human prosperity and existence, will be irretrievably damaged by the magnitude, global extent, and combination of these human-caused environmental stressors,” Paul Erlich, Bing Professor of Population Studies at Stanford University wrote in a collaborative 2013 study, “unless we take concrete, immediate actions to ensure a sustainable, high-quality future.”

Finding hope during this mad rush to detangle the earth’s brilliant web comes with some difficulty. For me, it has been Standing Rock, a deeply spiritual and uncompromising movement for indigenous rights and ecological sanity, that has allowed me, if not to hope, to at least to hold the door open to possibility.

For all the police violence directed against it, for the violence driving news coverage of the camps, Standing Rock is first and foremost a site of peace and reconciliation. The work here, many suggested to me, is an unfolding answer to indigenous prophesies promising a day when all peoples will be restored to one another in friendship and humankind’s relationship to the earth will

As assortment of indigenous and nonindigenous allies – including the Society of Native Nations – marching in November on ETP’s Trans-Pecos Pipeline outside Marfa, Texas.

be brought back into harmony. Oceti Sakowin — and sister camps like Rosebud, Sacred Stone, and Red Warrior — have thrived under intense pressure and in spite of long-standing tribal animosities and reminders of deeper, multi-generational wounds of colonization and genocide represented by the thousands of allies of European ancestry (the first colonized, I am also reminded, kindly) who have passed through Flag Road. In this complication of still-unreconciled cultures, each day brings opportunity for acceptance and a building of trust. Smoke from the wood fires is blown about at all hours of the day and night, joined by the rich smell of prayers constantly being offered with sage and tobacco and cedar and copal.

Walking along the Cannonball one morning suppressing my shivering, I meet an Inuit woman remarking on the warmth of the day. For the time of year and location, she’s right. Atop the earth, the Arctic is more than 20 degrees warmer than normal. Villages are slipping into the sea. Yet despite the great disharmony we inhabit, or because of it, we greet each other in the only way that makes sense in this moment. We

greet each other as friends and continue our walks.

When I return to camp there are hundreds walking to the river singing.

Water is my body/ Water is my soul/ When I walk down, down to the water/ With the water, I am one.

Men stand to the side with hands outstretched in support, honoring the woman as they file down steps cut into the steep banks of the Cannonball to offer a pinch of tobacco on her waters. These are followed by those along the LGBTQ spectrum, women with male spirits, men with female spirits. Men follow last. Without understanding why, I have to breathe in deeply over and again to keep from sobbing. As I reach the water, it spills out with a shudder as I leave my prayer on the water with the rest.

Leaving it on the water with my tears.

Greg Harman is an independent journalist, former San Antonio Current editor, and founder of Deceleration.news. San Antonio-based writer and activist Marisol Cortez contributed to this report. sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 19

JANUS FILMS

CALENDAR

THU

15

FILM

Jeanne Dielman, 23, quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles

CALENDAR COURTESY OF GUADALUPE CULTURAL ARTS CENTER

OUR TOP PICKS FOR THE WEEK

20

‘Artist Lab’

SAT

16

ART

◀ In a 2009 article titled “Then as Now, the Terrors of the Routine,” The New York Times drew an unlikely parallel between Orson Welles and Chantal Akerman as both were just 25 when they directed masterpieces that cast long shadows over their careers. While Akerman’s slow-moving opus Jeanne Dielman, 23, quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles (1975) is unlikely to pop up on quite as many “Greatest Films of All Time” lists as Welles’ iconic powerhouse Citizen Kane (1941), it’s epic in its own peculiar way and visibly influenced many of today’s most revered arthouse directors. Frequently described as “deadpan,” the three-hour-and-15-minute film stars French actress Delphine Seyrig as an obsessive-compulsive woman who lives alone with her son and meticulously balances her time between domestic rituals (shopping, cooking and cleaning with bizarre intensity) and prostitution. Taking the cinematic concept of “real time” to a level all its own, Jeanne Dielman invites viewers’ eyes to wander and investigate the space around the titular protagonist (as she kneads meatloaf, brews coffee, washes dishes), building tension from monotony and delivering an ending that’s nothing short of shocking. The McNay screens the enigmatic gem (in French with English subtitles) in conjunction with its Get Reel Film Series. Free, wine reception at 5:30pm, film at 6pm, McNay Art Museum, 6000 N. New Braunfels Ave., (210) 824-5368, mcnayart.org. — Bryan Rindfuss

Elvis and Me THU

15

TALKS PLUS

As a best-selling author, philanthropist, actress on the legendary ’80s TV show Dallas and a correspondent on Entertainment Tonight, Priscilla Presley has more than carved her own space in the cultural landscape. But when someone was so close to an unquestionable icon, one whose legend only seemed to grow as they passed into the realm of modern mythology, people will always want to know the juicy details.

Since this evening with Presley is billed as an intimate interview with the audience, you’d be crazy not to think many of the questions asked will concern Presley’s time spent

alongside the Leslie Nielsen during the making of all three Naked Gun movies. She might also even mention her ex-husband, who began dating her when she was 14 years old and he was serving in the Army. Eventually she moved to America to finish high school, living in his Memphis mansion while he acted in Hollywood, which sounds like a fairytale written by William Faulkner. It’s our understanding this guy was a singer of some kind. $65-$259, 7:30pm, Tobin Center for the Performing Arts, 100 Auditorium Circle, (210) 223-8624, tobincenter.org.

— Jeremy Martin

With a little help from their friends at the righteous Surdna Foundation — an organization that helps support and build thriving cultural communities across the U.S. — the folks at Guadalupe Cultural Arts Center have, for three years running, hosted an excellent fellowship program called Artist Lab. Aimed at fostering connections between artists, as well as between artists and communities, the program gives a select group of artists the opportunity to develop their creative and business skills, and, at the end of the fellowship, to exhibit their work. This year’s Artist Lab exhibit, which opens Friday and runs through February 3, boasts a stacked roster of estimable local talent. The artists, which, taken all together, comprise a diverse set of concerns, identities, techniques and aesthetic visions, are Lisette Chavez, Raul Gonzalez, Sarah Fox, Jose Villalobos, Andrei Renteria and Kristel Puente.

If you’ve ever wanted to see what it looks like when artists are given the time, space, resources and encouragement to fully engage their craft, here’s your chance. Free, 6-9pm, Galería Guadalupe, 723 S. Brazos St., (210) 271-3151, guadalupeculturalarts.org. — James Courtney

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

CALENDAR

TODD WOLFSON

SAT

16

Alejandro Escovedo

MUSIC

◀ Rooted in the ’70s punk scene, Alejandro Escovedo has been writing and playing music longer than most of these entitled indie rock cry babies have been alive, and on his latest effort, Burn Something Beautiful, you can certainly hear decades of blood, sweat, tears and emotions pouring over the tracklist. On “Johnny Volume” in particular, Escovedo sings, “Some people think I’m ugly, some people think I’m dead” as creeping, echoey guitar chords roll underneath his vocals, dragging the listener through a warm field of nostalgic euphoria. Inspiringly unabashed, Escovedo is sure to deliver a night of raw songwriting and genuine musicianship. $20-$90, 9pm, Sam’s Burger Joint, 330 E. Grayson St., (210) 223-2830, samsburgerjoint.com. — Chris Conde

‘Jive Town’

M

‘Ghosts of Christmas Past’

RS

IM

STE

C O U R T E S Y O F SI

◀ A man of many wild, weird and wonderful hats, Agosto Cuellar has won over fans as a fashion designer, the producer/curator behind the Una Noche en la Gloria ART fan favorite Runway en la Calle, a refreshingly fun DJ, a regional visual merchandiser for Goodwill Industries and proprietor of Jive Refried — a bygone emporium he’s described as “a labor of love that encompassed everything I found beautiful: contemporary art, vintage clothing, DIY creations, curios and home décor.” A Southtown fixture from 1999 to 2011, the shop was an art installation in its own right — showcasing Cuellar’s rasquache design aesthetic as well as his talent for scavenging unusual treasures and artfully repurposing everyday items. Aiming to recreate some of the strange magic of Jive Refried, Cuellar’s new exhibition “Jive Town” takes shape in a six-week installation organized by Alejandro Diaz, the San Antonio-born, New York-based founder of Sala Diaz. Himself a fan of rasquache sensibilities, Diaz is the artist responsible for the plants potted in supersized, handpainted La Morena, Herdez and Jumex cans permanently installed at the San Antonio Airport and is represented in permanent collections ranging from the Smithsonian Museum of American Art to El Museo del Barrio. Essentially co-curated by Cuellar and Diaz, the gallery’s transformation into a “functioning boutique” also includes an array of related programming, including screenings of a web-based series conceived by Kimberly Suta, sewing circles, window displays and swap meets. Free, opening reception 6pm-midnight, special hours noon-7pm Dec. 17-23, on view 3-7pm Thu-Sat though Jan. 31, Sala Diaz, 517 Stieren St., (972) 900-0047, saladiazart.org. — BR

16

GR

SAT

SPECIAL EVENT

◀ Revisit the somewhatlost tradition of scary FRI-SAT ghost stories at Christmastime on the Sisters Grimm “Ghosts of Christmas Past” tour at the Menger Hotel. Known as the “most haunted hotel” in all of Texas, there have been countless ghost and spirit sightings in this historic haunt. From Sallie White, whose husband is said to have shot her on suspicion of infidelity, to Capt.

Richard King, the eternal guest who died in the King Suite, you’ll hear creepy and unexplainable tales from the theatrical Sisters Grimm tour guides. In full character and costume,

16-17

their performances might justEVENT awaken your senses to the other side so you can have a spirit sighting of your own.

You’ll also view some of the beautiful Christmas decorations and historic suites in the Menger — rooms you might not get to see unless you book a hotel stay with your tour as part of the Sisters Grimm package. So celebrate the most wonderful time of the year with, as the song says, “scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long long ago.” And don’t forget to take pictures you can analyze later, looking for unexplained shadows and ghostly ghouls. $15-$25 in advance, 6:40pm & 7pm Fri, 7:20pm, 7:40pm & 8pm Sat, Menger Hotel, 204 Alamo Plaza, (210) 638-1338, sistersgrimmghosttour.com.

— Rachel Cooley

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 21

/////////////////

THURS • DEC 29 2PM & 7PM Ticketmaster.com

---

-

--

--

---- ----

--

--

--

--

-------------

--

--

TONIGHT

-

- - -- - - - - -

--

-----

--

---

--

--

----------

--

--

--

--

---

--

--

-------

---------

--

--

--

--

*Restrictions and fees may apply

WED // DEC 14

8:30P

///////////

-

--

--

-----------

--

-

Save $5 on tickets with code: HOOPS

--

--

---

---- ---------

-

--

--

VS BOSTON Packages Start At

2 BEERS PER TICKET All Tickets & Drink Vouchers for this package will be automatically left at Will Call under the purchase name.

-------------------------------

SPURS.COM

29

$

-------------------------------

Tickets available at spurs.com while supplies last. Tickets can be purchased at all Ticketmaster Ticket Centers, including select H-E-B locations, online at ticketmaster.com (all Ticketmaster fees apply). Call 225-Team or at the AT&T Center Southeast Box Office.

//////////////////////////////////////////////// 22

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

COURTESY PAUL RODRIGUEZ

CALENDAR NIGHTLIFE

JOSH HUSKIN

◀ Although his stage performances have never been very politically charged over the course of his 30-year career, standup comedian Paul Rodriguez, 61, raised some eyebrows this past summer during an interview with CNN’s Don Lemon where he stated undocumented immigrant children crossing into the U.S. need to be sent back to their home country. “Let’s say we accept these children, we let them stay here in America, we give them good homes, what is this going to say to everybody else? Are we prepared to be overwhelmed?” Since then, Rodriguez, who was born in Mazatlán, Mexico and later migrated with his family to California,

COMEDY

FRI-SUN

has voiced his support for president-elect Donald Trump and his pro-wall stance. That doesn’t mean, however, that the conservativeleaning, fedora-wearing comedian isn’t using Trump to get some laughs. After the election, he called the billionaire “Forrest Trump” (“I ain’t a smart man, but I know how to build a wall”). Aside from his comedy, Rodriguez spends most of his time wondering how his professional skateboarder son Paul Rodriguez Jr. is now more Googlable than he is. $25, 8pm & 10:15pm Fri-Sat, 7pm Sun, Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club, 618 NW Loop 410, (210) 541-8805, lolsanantonio.com.

– Kiko Martinez

SUN

18

16-18

Spurs vs.

Pelicans

Paul Rodriguez

COURTESY OF RKO RADIO PICTURES

SPORTS

▶ The Spurs will retire their eighth jersey number in franchise history on Sunday night, honoring Timothy Theodore Duncan — the basketball icon who transformed San Antonio into title town. Since Duncan’s retirement was announced this summer, via a press release followed by a heartfelt letter, Spurs faithfuls have been anxiously awaiting a proper sendoff for the greatest player to ever don the silver SAT and black. As the franchise leader FILM in games played, points scored, rebounds, blocks, double-doubles and field goals made, Duncan’s impact on ▲ What if you’d never existed? quite a failure in 1946 — it the Spurs goes beyond the numbers.

That’s the question explored by earned five Oscar nominations — His drive and determination set the George Bailey (James Stewart) but like the discouraged George, tone for a winning culture that still when his wish is granted by a it took a while to understand how thrives, despite his absence. When guardian angel in Frank Capra’s many people loved it and how Duncan’s #21 is raised to the AT&T classic film It’s a Wonderful much poorer their lives would be Center rafters, there won’t be a dry Life. It owes something to A if they’d missed it. Hemisfair and eye in the house. $130-$7,895, 6pm, Christmas Carol in affirming Slab Cinema close out the 2016 AT&T Center, One AT&T Center Pkwy., an individual’s power to make edition of Southtown Cinema (210) 444-5000, attcenter.com. a difference for good or ill. And with a free outdoor screening — M. Solis what if this movie had never of the holiday favorite. Free,

17

It’s a Wonderful Life

existed? Then it wouldn’t be shown every Christmas or be one of Hollywood’s most beloved tearjerkers. It wasn’t

6pm, Hemisfair Park, 434 S. Alamo St., (210) 212-9373, slabcinema.com.

— Michael Barrett

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 23

24

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

CALENDAR NIGHTLIFE

ART Art opening: “A Painting’s a Painting, No Matter How Small” TwoTen Fine Art

unveils an exhibit of works no larger than 80 square inches. Free, 3-7pm Saturday; TwoTen Fine Art, 2518 N. Main Ave., (210) 399-3255.

”Our Comida. Our Culture” A creative

exploration of San Antonio’s long tradition of Mexican, Mexican-American and Tex-Mex food culture, Centro de Artes’ new group exhibition “Our Comida. Our Culture” features photographs, paintings and other twodimensional works created by artists Rolando Briseño, David Casillas, Chuck Ramirez, Jimena Marin, Destiny Mata, Arlene Mejorado and Mark Menjivar. Free, 11am-6pm Wednesday-Sunday, 11am-6pm Tuesday; Centro de Artes, 101 S. Santa Rosa Ave., (210) 206-2787.

Ziggy Jesus Art Extravaganza Brick hosts

a David Bowie-inspired event combining experimental film, visual art, live music, modern dance and poetry. $5, 1pm-1am Saturday; Brick, 108 Blue Star, (210) 262-8653.

THEATER A Charlie Brown Christmas The Magik and

the Empire team up for a staged adaptation of the longest-running cartoon special in television history. $10-$30, 6:30pm Friday, 11am, 2pm & 6:30pm Saturday, 2pm Sunday; Charline McCombs Empire Theatre, 226 N. St. Mary’s St., (210)226-3333.

All Is Calm: The Christmas Truce of 1914

Styled as a radio musical drama, All Is Calm tells the story of the Christmas Truce through the words of those who were there, using text from “letters, journals, official war documents, poetry [and] grave stone inscriptions” among its sources.

The Playhouse’s production features San Antonio’s all-male a capella group The Marcsmen. A special double feature of All Is Calm and A Marcsmen Christmas runs on December 17. $10-$40, 8pm ThursdaySaturday, 3pm Sunday; The Playhouse, 800 W. Ashby Pl., (210) 733-7258.

Fiesta de Navidad: La Pastorela Folklórica A fun representation of the traditional shepherds' play with a folklórico and flamenco flair, writer Hiedi Cabral’s La Pastorela Folklórica highlights the Guadalupe Dance Academy performing traditional Mexican music and dance. $10, 7pm Friday; Guadalupe Theater, 1301 Guadalupe St., (210) 271-3151.

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat Originally written in 1968 as

a 15-minute “pop cantata” for a private London boys' school, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat was the first collaboration of the legendary Sirs Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice. The show tells the familiar story of Jacob’s favorite son and the jealous brothers who sell Joseph into slavery in Egypt. Joseph only escapes life in prison because he can interpret the dreams of a desperate Pharaoh, “wryly and riotously” depicted as another “king” — Elvis. $17-$26, 7:30pm Friday-Saturday, 3pm Sunday; Woodlawn Theatre, 1920 Fredericksburg Road, (210) 267-8388.

La Pastorela Directed by Alison Vasquez,

Teatro Audaz’s comedic and bilingual version of the centuries-old Mexican tradition La Pastorela celebrates the season with themes of hope, joy and peace. $10-$15, 7pm Saturday-Sunday; San Antonio Mennonite Church, 1433 S. St. Mary’s St., (210) 281-1726.

Merry Gentlemen Drawing inspiration

from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, playwright Sheila Rinear’s original production Merry Gentlemen tells the story of Ben and Tim Dickens, a father and son whose lives have been on hold ever since a car accident that killed Mrs. Dickens. $10$15, 8pm Friday-Saturday; The Overtime Theater, 1203 Camden St., (210) 557-7562.

Playhouse Potentials: When Everyone Leaves The Playhouse hosts a staged

reading of local playwright Lindsey Van de Kirk’s play surrounding the suicide of a beloved college professor. Free (donations accepted), 6pm Sunday; The Playhouse, 800 W. Ashby Pl., (210) 733-7258.

Scrooge on the Riverwalk The Company

Theatre’s one-man take on Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol stars award-winning actor Damian Gillen as everyone from Tiny Tim to Scrooge in an open-air format complete with multiple costume changes, special effects and Celtic Christmas tunes. $5-$15, 7:30pm Saturday; Arneson River Theatre, 418 Villita St., (800) 838-3006.

The Nutcracker ARTS San Antonio brings

the revered Mejia Ballet International back to the Alamo City for four performances of Tchaikovsky’s holiday classic starring

principal dancers Olga Pavlova, Marina Goshko, Andrey Prikhodko and Yevgeni Anfinogenov alongside students from San Antonio Metropolitan Ballet. $29-$99, 7:30pm Friday, 2pm & 7:30pm Saturday, 2pm Sunday; Lila Cockrell Theatre, 200 E. Market St., (210) 226-1981.

The Paisley Sisters’ Christmas Special A

quirky alternative to traditional holiday fare, this 1960s-themed musical comedy follows sisters Connie, Bonnie, Lonnie and Abigail as they stage “a brand-new color-television holiday extravaganza” and attempt to unravel a mystery concerning their corporate sponsor, Plasticon. $30, 7:30pm Saturday, 3:30pm Sunday; Roxie Theater, 7460 Callaghan Road, (210) 360-9180.

The Santaland Diaries Based on the true

chronicles of comic genius David Sedaris’ stint working as an elf at Macy’s Santaland, this cult classic riffs on a few of his truly odd encounters during the height of the holiday crunch. Kelly and Bart Roush direct John Stillwagon (as Sedaris’ not-so-merry alter ego Crumpet the Elf) in The Classic Theatre’s production, which contains mature content and is not recommended for children. $20, 8pm Friday-Saturday, 3pm & 7pm Sunday; Classic Theatre of San Antonio, 1924 Fredericksburg Road, (210) 589-8450.

WORDS Great Books Series: Voices On Violence Octavio Quintanilla moderates a discussion about Uruguayan author Eduardo Galeano’s Days and Nights of Love and War, a personal testimony that records the lives and struggles of Latin American people under two decades of violence and repression.

Free, 6:30-8pm Thursday; Gemini Ink, 1111 Navarro St., (210) 734-9673.

Jim Lefko San Antonio Express-News sports

editor Jim Lefko visits The Twig to discuss Spurs Nation, his new book capturing the Spurs’ past 30 years through the images and words of photographers and writers who’ve covered the team’s monumental rise. Free, 11am-1pm Saturday; The Twig Book Shop, 306 Pearl Pkwy, Suite 106, (210) 826-6411.

COMEDY Mark Riccadona An Ohio-born actor,

stand-up and storyteller who’s written for Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update and entertained U.S. and U.N. troops across six continents, Mark Riccadona strives to “bring the green room out to the stage and let the audience see behind the scenes of what entertains their entertainment.” $17, 8:30pm Wednesday-Thursday, 8pm & 10:15pm Friday-Saturday, 8pm Sunday; Improv San Antonio Rivercenter, 849 E. Commerce St., (210) 229-1420.

SPECIAL EVENTS Christmas Light Fest Don Strange Ranch pulls out all the stops with a festive drive-through display promising “more than two million lights,” hayrides and a Santa’s Village stocked with sweet and savory holiday treats. $27 per vehicle, 6-9pm daily; Don Strange Ranch, 103 Waring Welfare Road, (210) 434-2340.

Holiday Lights Walking/Boat Tour Gray

Line’s special holiday tour combines the twinkling lights of the River Walk with stories of yuletide traditions from Germany, Spain, Mexico and Colonial Texas. The tour begins at Alamo Plaza, ends at San Fernando Cathedral and includes a brief history of San Antonio. $23, 7-9pm Tuesday; Alamo Plaza, 300 Alamo Plaza, (800) 341-6000.

OPEN Holiday Market The Center City

Development and Operations Department (CCDO) partners with property owners and retailers for a holiday shopping initiative showcasing local entrepreneurs in vacant downtown spaces. Free, 11am-8pm FridaySaturday, noon-6pm Sunday; 217 & 231 E. Houston St., (210) 207-3914.

Seasonal Holiday Planetarium Shows

Currently decked out in celestial blue lights, Scobee closes out its 2016 season with a holiday program featuring the shows Season of Light and Mystery of the Christmas Star with live accompaniment from the James Madison High School Choir. $2-$5 per show, 6-9pm Friday; San Antonio College, Scobee Education Center, 1819 N. Main Ave., (210) 489-0100.

Toy Ride Both JoyRide locations welcome

guests for free, high-energy cycling sessions in exchange for new, unwrapped toys benefiting the children of EmberHope Youthville. Space is limited: sign up at joyridestudio.com. Free with an unwrapped toy, 11:30am Sunday; JoyRide Cycling Studios: 1915 Broadway, (210) 228-0797; 10003 NW Military Hwy., (210) 332-5240.

TALKS PLUS On the Cusp of Change Curator Jessica

Powers sheds light on works in SAMA’s permanent collection that relate to her area of expertise — art of the ancient Mediterranean. $10-$20, 6:30-8pm Friday; San Antonio Museum of Art, 200 W. Jones Ave., RSVP by calling (210) 978-8133.

SPORTS San Antonio Rampage vs. Tucson Roadrunners $10-$40, 7:30pm Friday; AT&T Center, One AT&T Center Pkwy., (210) 444-5000.

San Antonio Spurs vs. Boston Celtics $25$2,299, 8:30pm Wednesday; AT&T Center, One AT&T Center Pkwy., (210) 444-5000.

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 25

READY FOR LIFE IN THE GREAT WIDE OPEN Nanopuff Insulation: lightweight, warm & compressible for men, women & kids

Whole Earth Provision Co.

930 Broadway San Antonio Texas 78215

Quarry Market at 255 East Basse • 210-829-8888

Check out fresh daily content at sacurrent.com

Divas Night Out

®

SAT, 12/17• 7-9P • FREE • 21+

ENTERTAINMENT, FASHION, DOOR PRIZES, REFRESHMENTS AND MORE!

Relieve the holiday stress JOIN US EVERY SATURDAY FOR

Starring

SIP & SHOP

Olga Pavlova

NOW - DEC 24 2PM-6PM (12/24 2PM-4PM)

LOCATED AT UptownGypsy.com • (210) 530-1859 4522 Fredericksburg Rd. #B64

26 CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

SPECIALIZING IN CORSETS & WAIST TRAINERS

BRYAN RINDFUSS

ARTS + CULTURE

END ERA OF AN

Donning matching black T-shirts that read, “On Main Off Main, Adiós Amigos, 19832016,” Bill Davis and Oscar Camacho are laughing while reminiscing about some of the more colorful customer exchanges they have had over the past 33 years of owning the quirky and eclectic On Main Off Main gift shop in Monte Vista.

“We had a lady who used to come in to buy Pop Rocks candy,” Camacho recalled while he and his partner of 40 years sat side-by-side in the back room amid naughty greeting cards featuring near-naked men and scantily clad women — tame by today’s standards.

“One time she said to me, ‘You know what you can do with these?’ I said, ‘No. What?’ She said, “You put them in your mouth while giving your husband a (well, you get the picture). It’s enhanced our sex life.’”

Davis recounted the time during the early ’80s, when they had to keep the sexually provocative cards out of public display.

“The nude cards of men and women were kept in a binder behind the counter,” he said. “If you came in and wanted one of those cards, you would tell us the number of the card, and we would go to the filing cabinet and pull out the card you wanted.”

The two partners/business partners could go on

and on about some of the amusing incidents and wonderful memories they have experienced since opening the doors of On Main in October 1983. But now, Davis, 74, and Camacho, 63, have decided it’s time to say “adiós amigos” and plan to close their gift shop at the end of January.

It’s not just that the couple desires to retire after working six days a week for more than three decades, but their decision to do so is in large part because of lagging sales since consumers have discovered the convenience of online shopping right at their fingertips.

Davis explained that the once-thriving gift and card shop first suffered a financial setback in 2008, when the recession hit. Their business dropped 40 percent and, for several months, he and Camacho weathered the storm.

“Just as business was beginning to come back, we kept hearing something creeping up behind us,” he said.

“It was the internet. Online shopping has destroyed small businesses like ours. For instance, a customer can come in and see a book they want, take a picture of it with their phone, then go out to their car and order it.

They’ll have it in three days at a cheaper price.”

Both admit, however, that despite their reluctant decision to hand in their keys, On Main Off Main

▲ Then and now: Bill Davis, Oscar Camacho and Tony Hero at On Main circa 1983; Oscar Camacho, Tony Garcia and Bill Davis at On Main Off Main in 2016

RUDY ARISPE

SAY ‘ADIÓS’ TO QUIRKY MONTE VISTA MAINSTAY ON MAIN OFF MAIN

has had a good run, probably more so than the two could have imagined.

Before the two ever met, Davis was enrolled at the University of Texas at Austin and working at the Driscoll Hotel during the 1960s. His boss was the head of housekeeping. Lady Bird Johnson, who ate there often with her daughters, was in need of a housekeeper at the White House. The first lady hired Davis’ boss, with whom she had struck up a friendship, and told her that she could bring an employee with her.

“I worked at the White House for five years,” said Davis, who was chief purchasing agent for food, wine and beverage. “My office was right across the hall from the kitchen. Everything had to be brought in by Secret Service. The first family couldn’t go out and shop. I was one of the couriers and shopped for them. I would go and get Howard Johnson’s ice cream for Linda Bird.”

After the Johnson administration ended, Davis moved to San Antonio to be near friends and relatives. Meanwhile, Camacho was a Burbank High School graduate who had earned a degree in business administration from St. Mary’s University.

He had acquired experience in the retail industry selling clothes and shoes for Penner’s and Todd’s men’s stores while in college.

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 27

8805 Lockway St. San Antonio, TX 78217 www.sadentco.com

Before

After

28 CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

ARTS + CULTURE

“I credit both of those stores for teaching me what I needed to know about retail,” Camacho said. “It gave me confidence about running a business when Bill and I opened On Main.”

Camacho was working for an insurance agency as an underwriter for national businesses when he met Davis at a Christmas party. (Yes, it was love at first sight, they say.) Later in their relationship, they began renting duplexes and fourplexes they had purchased. After five years, however, they realized that being landlords wasn’t for them. So they sold their properties and opened On Main at 2514 North Main Avenue.

“We copied it after a card shop in Dallas,” Davis said.

“It was very high-tech with lots of steel and grid products, but San Antonio wasn’t ready for something like this at the time. After three years, we were starving.”

With lackluster sales, the shop owners knew they had to change their business plan and offer merchandise that no one else was selling. They began asking customers what they wanted to see sold in their store.

They sold frozen yogurt, gift baskets, coffee and chocolates, which proved to be profitable.

However, it was a massive infestation of cockroaches — rubber cockroaches, that is — that proved to be a big hit with customers. “We couldn’t keep enough of them stocked,” Camacho said. “They were glued on to fly-swatters, chanclas and anywhere else people could put them.”

During Valentine’s Day one year, Davis purchased dozens of long-stemmed roses from a local wholesaler, plucked the flowers off, glued rubber roaches in their place and sprayed them with red glitter. “People kept

coming in to ask for them,” he said.

They also started selling chocolatecovered strawberries years ago, which became an annual tradition until 2005. “The last year we sold them, I dipped 6,000 of them. I would start at 1 a.m. and finish around 6 p.m. We would sell them in a corsage box. People will come in until the very last minute asking if there were any left.”

At the height of its business success, customers from across the city poured in to purchase calendars, day planners, sexy lingerie, risqué cards for the clientele who demanded them, Christmas CDs, candy of all kinds, pasties, toys that were popular in the ’50s and ’60s, and, of course, the erotic birthday, holiday and anniversary cards that would have made Hallmark blush. “Bill and I wanted to put humor and our personality into the store,” Camacho said. We just wanted to have fun, but we always knew where to draw the line.”

In 1992, Abilene native Julie Bryan and her husband had just moved into Monte Vista and were eager to get to know their neighbors. She recalls hearing about On Main Off Main and meeting Davis and Camacho at one of the neighborhood Third Thursdays (or “Nosy Neighbor Night” as she jokingly calls it), in which residents and businesses invite people over for wine and food and get to know one another. She has been a faithful customer ever since.

“I buy things there that you can’t find anywhere else,” the 58-year-old real estate agent said. “They have awesome holiday accessories like really cool Halloween costumes.

This year, I got a headband with a giant red spider on top.

One year for Christmas, I bought a hat with a large present attached to the top.”

▲▲ Kitschy greeting cards framing photos of Davis, Camacho and shop regulars; On Main memories, moments and friends — including Spurs legend David Robinson

It’s true. Where else can you find Abraham Lincoln Christmas sweaters, Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles Yellow Submarine lunch boxes, Wonder Woman wall clocks, floating prank poop, willy warmers, cat butt magnets, Psycho shower curtains, plastic squirrel garden solar lights, toilet-shaped coffee mugs, plastic Gumby and Pokey figures, Frida Kahlo scarves, scented soap, funky socks and their very own Oscar’s Choice coffee beans, which they are happy to grind for you.

It wasn’t always just the gag gifts or funky cards that drew Bryan to the store, she said. It was to go see “Bill and Oscar.” “[On Main Off Main] is like the Cheers of the neighborhood,” she said. “They always have a wonderful Fiesta party and I’ve been to many of their Margarita Saturdays. They were also one of the first businesses to welcome dogs. My dogs would come with me and just lay on the carpet. If I had time on my hands, I would go in just to hang out for a while, and I’m not going to have that anymore.”

As for Davis and Camacho, Bryan declares that the two “are a Monte Vista institution. They are very much the fabric of the neighborhood. They will be terribly missed, but I do understand they want to have more time to themselves. Maybe I’ll see them out walking their dogs.”

Cathy Cummins, a Monte Vista resident for 43 years, was with her two young children, Michele and Thomas, when she drove by the store on Oct. 3, 1983, when the shop officially opened. She was their very first customer, who entered the front door that day. On Black Friday, she and her kids, now ages 43 and 41 respectively, stopped

by On Main to do some Christmas shopping.

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 29

76 TAPS

FRIENDLY EATS TILL

MIDNIGHT

OF

7 DAYS A WEEK

CRAFT BREW

KID & DOGGIE

&

OVER 300 BOTTLE

FRIENDLY

CAN CHOICES

HUNGRY FOR MORE? v i s i t S A C u r r e n t. c o m

ICE HOUSE 943 South Alamo • 210.224.BEER (2337)

18866 S to n e Oa k P k w y # 1 0 5 ( 2 1 0) 5 9 5 -3 9 3 2

M O N - F R I 3 P - 1 2 A • S A T - S U N 1 1A - 1 2 A

FRIENDLY GROWLERS AVAILABLE | FRIENDLY EATS TILL MIDNIGHT

$1 OFF ALL PINTS ON TUESDAYS AFTER 5PM

606 W Cypress St | (210.227.2683 | thecove.us

PA RT I E S & C AT E R I N G !

•100% Gluten Free •Restaurant •Coffee Shop •Bakery •Yoga Studio

BREATHE, NOURISH, CONNECT 1017 N. Flores | 210-267-2652 | 5pointslocal.com

30 CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

ARTS + CULTURE

ON MAIN OFF MAIN “Michele is taking it very hard. Oscar and Bill are like uncles to her,” said Cummins, director of the Reading Institute and the Enrichment Department at nearby San Antonio Academy. “They have been part of our family. They have even come to see Thomas’ art shows at Blue Star.”

Cummins said she has been buying holiday and birthday cards and gifts at On Main for years. On Black Friday, she bought $400 worth of gifts, including ornaments from Thailand, Frida Kahlo items and angel boxes from Poland, which she says she knows she can’t find anywhere else.

“I like the gag gifts, magic tricks and goofy hats, too,” she said. “Mr. [John] Webster (San Antonio Academy headmaster) used to get all of our gummy bears from them which he would pass out to about 340 boys every Friday. It’s really tragic to see them close, but they deserve time to themselves.”

On Main has also been a favorite of local celebs, such as Tommy Lee Jones and former Spurs stars David Robinson and Sean Elliott. “They have been some of our best customers,” Camacho said. “We used to do a lot of gift baskets for the Robinsons.”

The boys can boast that a Hollywood star wears their “Winter in Texas” sweatshirt, too. “Carol Burnett’s sister is a friend of ours,” Camacho said. “When Carol was in town for her show, we went to dinner with Carol and her sister.

We gave Carol one of our sweatshirts. Her sister told us Carol still wears it.”

As the news of the store’s impending closure has slowly began trickling throughout the neighborhood, the phone at On Main has been constantly ringing from longtime ▲ Everything must go! A few of the playful and naughty items up for grabs at On Main Off Main through the end of January

120 W. MISTLETOE AVE. (210) 737-2323 ONMAINOFFMAIN.COM

customers who can’t believe it’s true.

“A lot of people are begging us not to close,” Camacho said. “Some have suggested that we run an online store.

We’ve heard everything from ‘I never thought you would close during my lifetime’ to ‘You can’t close. It would be like the Alamo leaving San Antonio.’ Another one said, ‘Oh no.

This is the passing of my youth.’”

When they’re out and about or at a restaurant, for instance, an unfamiliar face or two will often walk up to the owners and ask, “Do you remember me?”

“Sometimes I don’t,” Camacho said. “But I know it’s probably someone who went to Keystone or San Antonio Academy since a lot of those students used to come in here. Bill and I have seen four generations of kids from the neighborhood grow up. Sometimes parents with kids will say, ‘These are the owners of that shop I told you about’ or ‘He’s the candy man who I used to buy chocolates from.’”

These and so much more are the memories and experiences that Camacho, who was often the friendly face that greeted customers behind the counter, and Davis, who was more of the behind-the-scenes other half of the two and who took care of ordering products and paying the bills, will take with them.

The only time they faced a major crisis was in 2004, when their lease was up for renewal. Instead of caving in to the rent increase, the two owners decided to close shop. When Cecilia Garcia, who owns the building off Main Avenue at 120 West Mistletoe where the shop is currently located, caught wind of their plans, she came over to offer them space.

“We call Cecilia our guardian angel,” Davis said. “She saved On Main from closing.”

Dolly Holmes, a longtime customer and president-elect of the Monte Vista Historical Association, said Davis and Camacho will be missed. “They have been amazing business neighbors and friends,” she said. “They have also been great supporters of everything the association has done. We wish them the best in their retirement.”

Although it’s a bittersweet moment for the two, they have a bucket list they intend to check off: a vacation to Colorado, a trip to Niagara Falls and a train ride through Canada, among others.

“Having worked together for all these years has been a challenge,” Camacho said. “You have to be patient and compromising. But we’re looking forward to getting reacquainted with one another.”

They owe a ton of gratitude, they say, to their past and present employees, who have helped them stay afloat all these years, specifically Tony Garcia, 41, who has been with them for 10 years. Garcia walked into the store to apply one day after seeing a “Help Wanted” sign in the window.

“I’m going to miss seeing our regular customers and people I have gotten to know through the years,” Garcia said on a late November morning after climbing down a ladder from hanging Christmas tree lights along the store front with the bright green “Merry Texmas” painted on the large glass windows.

On December 8, On Main hosted its last holiday open house, complete with music, margaritas and Frito pie. Come January, Davis and Camacho will hold a liquidation sale, where, as they say in the business, everything must go.

“If anyone wants a piece of On Main, come and get it,” Camacho said.

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 31

FOOD

There can

only be

ONE!

Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner & everything in-between! FULL BAR OPENS AT 7AM!

Sun: 11 am - 2 am | Mon-Sat: 7 am - 2 am | 5562 Fredericksburg Rd. In the Medical Center

NOW BOOKING HOLIDAY CATERING! 210-342-2800 • TIAGOSCABOGRILLE.COM

32

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

FOOD

DAN AYTON

≥

RON BECHTOL

NOT-SO REGIONAL

Several areas worth of flavor at Royal Cuisine Royal Cuisine 8931 Wurzbach Road, (210) 265-5463 The Skinny: Royal is a “desi,” or pan-Indian restaurant incorporating both Indian and Pakistani influences. There is a daily buffet, and menu items range from vegetarian to tandoori. Best bets: Masala uttapam and Masala dosa, dal makhani, goat korma, cjicken Chettinad, all of the sweets and chaats, pakoras and samosas. Hours: 11-9 Sun.-Thurs., 11-10 Fri.-Sat. Price: $6.99-$17.99

“Are you a food critic?” she asked — standing over me bearing a plate recently filled at Royal Cuisine’s buffet. “You look like a food critic.”

“What does a food critic look like?” I responded, lamely, attempting to fend off further contact. “Well,“ she replied, “you have several plates, you’re reading Food and Wine (I was doing Thanksgiving research, okay?), you’re taking notes …”

What to do but confess — but in thte process I learned that Royal’s owners were formerly associated with India Chaat House near USAA, that she liked the buffet (I had ignored it — but it does look promising at $10.99), that the chicken tikka masala (popular but likely not really Indian in origin), was especially good.

Royal Cuisine bills itself as an IndoPakistani restaurant, but the menu doesn’t make any distinctions; rather, dishes seem to range from south to north in India with a number of offerings from the Punjabi state that sits on the border between the two countries. Toss a dart? My first one landed on the masala uttapam (southern, BTW), and it was a bullseye.

This “thick pancake” is made from a mix of fermented dal and rice, here topped with finely chopped chilies, onions, tomatoes and carrots forming almost a glaze. Spongy in texture, it would be fine as it is, but you’re also presented with sauces made from grated coconut, spiced tomato and beany sambal. Dip away; it’s all good, though the punchy tomato was a special favorite.

And while we’re on pancakes, the Mysore masala dosa may use the same flours, not fermented, but the form and filling are entirely different. This one comes loosely drooping over a plate as though it had been formed from a folded triangle of burnished leather.

The filling may seem like basic potato and pea, but the spicing elevates the mix to an almost spiritual plane — an only slightly-toolofty evaluation.

Continuing to toss darts at the other parts of the menu (vegetarian, non-vegetarian, Indo-Chinese, tandoori … ), it’s possible to land on dishes that aren’t all variations on lustrous brown, such as harali (hariyali)

chicken with cilantro and mint. But I couldn’t have been happier with the three entrées I tried on two separate occasions — bring on the brown. Dal makhani is in its description a simple, Punjabi lentil and kidney bean dish with the added luxurious touch of cream.

Let’s hear it for simple. I’m convinced that if I had grown up Punjabi, this would be my idea of comfort food: warm, buttery spices with added touches of perceived sweetness and latent chili heat, it was at once easy to understand and remarkably complex.

Royal’s korma is described as a “mild and aromatic cream sauce” — accurate as far as it goes, but hardly adequate. Much of the expected spice pantry seems to be there (cinnamon, cumin, garam masala), there is a lush creaminess (often yogurt), but it’s reinforced by a nutty quality (usually cashew), too. And no one thing grabs special attention. Which makes this sauce particularly good as the foil to unusually meaty cubes of just-randy-enough goat. Dip some simple, buttery naan into this one, noting that entrée servings are unusually large for an Indian restaurant.

Chicken Chettinad belies its brownness.

The usual spicy super heroes are all in attendance, but it may be the addition of curry leaves that gives this southern dish, full of chunky thigh meat, its special, bright sharpness and bolster its lingering heat.

Ladle over very long-grain rice or order some lacy-topped onion-filled naan to use as a flavor-packed spoon.

Then turn your attention to the chaat, the samosas, the pakoras. The standard chaat mix is texturally great and fresh, but there’s more to explore, including spiced nuts.

Three-cornered-hat samosas may come filled with potato, there’s a flattened version with mung bean, a ball with potato and pea … the remaining batter-dipped pakora one day was a long, deceptively mild-looking chile. You are warned. All are served with remarkably flavor-packed chutneys: a bright green one with cilantro, mint and chile, and a surprisingly sweet but deep one standing in for the usual, more-bracing tamarind. Brown, but brown is good, remember?

M O R E I N F O AT P E A R L .C O M sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 33

Open 7 Days a Week

Thank you!

For voting for us!

MAKE COMPLETELY

UNIQUE ICE CREAM

Authentic Thai Cuisine

RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES! CHECK OUT OUR WEEKLY SPECIALS!

226 W Bitters Rd #124 • (210) 545-3354 • saebthainoodlesa.com

2 LOCATIONS TO BETTER SERVE YOU!

13433 SAN PEDRO AVENUE • (210)362-1002 | 9075 FM 78 • (210)267-2954

MON- THU 5:30AM-9PM • FRI 5:30AM-10PM SAT 5:30AM-11PM • SUN 7AM-3PM 521 E Woodlawn Ave. • 210.737.8646

Our candies make the perfect stocking stuffer!

Made-from-scratch Mexican and Chinese candies, paletas, mangonadas, and more!

$1.75 Off

Reserve Your Space Today

Gallon Mangonada

All Flavors Just by Mentioning the CURRENT (Limit 1 per person. Exp. 1/31/17)

34

COME BY TODAY! 1435 Frio City Rd • (210) 299 - 4744 • arcoirisicecream.com/

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

email: thepigpensa@gmail.com follow us

106 PERSHING AVE (BEHIND THE SMOKE SHACK) 210.267.9136

FOOD

FOOD COURT

Sweet treats for the holidays, and a new restaurant from Empty Stomach

JESSICA ELIZARRARAS | @JESSELIZARRARAS

> The restaurant group behind The Monterey, Barbaro and Hot Joy has added a fourth concept with the opening of Chisme this week.

Located inside the former location of the original Teka Molino is Chisme, which brings flavors of South Texas as presented by chef Mara Serna (formerly with The Monterey, and several Houston eateries including Goro & Gun and Foreign Correspondents), desserts

by Jess Perez (pastry chef for all Empty Stomach Restaurant Group joints) and a cocktail program by Elisabeth Forsythe (who also manages tipples for Barbaro and Hot Joy). Collectively, the trio is being dubbed The Chismosas.

The menu is made up of starters, veggies, taco plates, platos grandes and desserts. During a soft opening on December 4, I sampled the double avocado tacos with fried avocado, guac, cotija and cilantro and Mexican Cheeseburger tacos with a ground beef patty, grilled ham, queso, avocado and jalapeño slices. Tortillas, corn and flour, are made in-house. The pollo asado, which has plenty of living up to, had me reminiscing on days when tios would man the grill. The result is pleasant, uber moist and slightly charred (you know, like when the tios would get distracted by a caguama or two ... ).

Prices range from $7.50 to $19.50.

On the cocktail side of things, we tasted the Chismosa, a frozen number with cachaca, coconut lime cordial, coconut milk that’ll likely sneak up on you on Chisme’s patio come springtime and La Pistola, a boozy concoction with tequila reposado, Bittermens coffee liqueur, El Dorado 5 Year Rum, piloncillo syrup and orange bitters. A selection of cocktails will be available during happy hour along with free house-made chips and queso.

Chisme is open 4-11 p.m. Monday-Thursday, 4 p.m.-1 a.m. Friday and Saturday, and 4-11 p.m. Sunday.

2403 N. St. Mary’s St., (210) 530-4236.

Mid-Week Market Launch

> The Truckin’ Tomato, which recently sold its signature trailer to focus on wholesale goods, is dipping its toe back into market pop-ups.

According to founder Shaun Lee, the Mid-Week Market will reignite the Tomato’s market efforts so chefs and home cooks alike can get their pick of fresh produce and locally made products. The pilot was held Wednesday from 3 to 7 p.m. inside the Truckin’ Tomato warehouse at 503 Chestnut St. “The market will help build a bridge between us and customers where people can come in and get the best stuff available,” Lee said.

The market included produce from more than a dozen farms and vendors. Expect to find sweet potatoes,

JESSICA ELIZARRARAS

Hot Chisme

collards, winter squash, milk, eggs, beef, lamb, bison, honey, coffee and syrups from Pulp Coffee, Deliish Goods, Deep River Specialty Foods, Madge’s Foods, Southern Grit Barbecue, Texas Black Gold Garlic, Cocina Heritage, Local Sprout, Kubena Farms, Johnson Backyard Farms, J & B Farms, Francis & Thatcher Farms, the San Antonio Food Bank, Braune Farms, Vogel Orchards, CNS Groves and Kitchen Pride.

Proteins were available by Peeler Farms, Coyote Creek, Evermore Ranch and Windy Meadow Farms.

Based on attendance at today’s market, the MidWeek Market will likely be held every Wednesday in the new year. This marks the third farmers market on the city’s East Side after seasonal Dignowity Hill Farmers Market and Sam Houston High School Farmers Market.

More Cookies

> More warm chocolate chip cookies are on the way this month as Austin-based Tiff’s Treats opens its fourth San Antonio store at 139 N. Loop 1604 E., Suite 102.

The grand opening of the 27th store for the chain, which will take place on Saturday, December 17 from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m., will also serve as a fundraiser for Gabriella’s Smile Foundation. Attendees (or can we call them cookie monsters?) can purchase $5 dozen boxes of either chocolate chip, snickerdoodle or oatmeal raisin. Up to $5,000 in proceeds will benefit Gabriella’s Smile Foundation.

Tiff’s treat launched in 1999 as a cookie delivery concept by then UT-Austin student Tiffany Chen.

Coffee Doc

> Coffee is so hot right now, and one local producer wants you to know exactly how those delicious beans make it to your coffee maker.

That’s the story Aaron Blanco, owner of Brown Coffee Co. is sharing in Coffee-Hunting: Kenya, a 138-minute doc by Lee Eubanks.

The film, which was screened in May at the Alamo Drafthouse follows Blanco as he “struggle(s) to find and bring home a new directly-traded coffee from Kenya to our coffee lineup here at Brown Coffee Company. The purpose of the film is to pull back the veil a bit and give coffee lovers a better peek into how NOT easy is it to source amazing coffees and bring them to market. There are funny parts, serious parts, plot twists and a finale that hopefully sends you home smiling,” he shared in an email.

Coffee nuts or folks who want to gain insight into Blanco’s passion for coffee (a la Jiro Dreams of Sushi) can rent or buy the film on Amazon for $4.99 or $9.99 respectively (or currently free with Prime), or iTunes ($3.99/$4.99).

Send food- and nightlife-related events and news to flavor@sacurrent.com.

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 35

36

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

CLUB SiRIUS

COURTESY OF FREETAIL BREWING CO.

NIGHTLIFE

JINGLE BREWS The holidays just got hoppier

3

$

JEREMY BANAS

≥

Fall is almost over and winter is upon us. Many breweries have been hard at work preparing inventive and comforting winter brews to keep us warm during the slightly colder Texas winter. Many of these winter concoctions are richer tasting and with bolder flavor, others are seasonals brewed only this time of year.

To ring in the winter months, here are a few offerings that are sure to tickle your holiday fancy: Holiday IPA | Alamo Beer Co. > For years, Alamo Beer had been brewing their signature Alamo Golden Ale at Real Ale Brewing up in Blanco, Texas. That is until owner Eugene Simor opened his own place in March of 2015, at which point the portfolio of beers expanded. This included seasonal brews such as their Holiday IPA. Holiday IPA is an American IPA that puts forth a citrus, piney character from the West Coast hops used, which balance beautifully with the sweet malt character derived from Golden Promise, Aromatic and Crystal Malts. Available around San Antonio for about $9 a six-pack Christmas Ale | Anchor Brewing > The now famous San Francisco brewery began in 1896 and is best known for its Anchor Steam Beer, a

style born in the warmer temperatures of California in the late 1800s. The name Steam Beer is copyrighted by Anchor and can only be used by them.

The brewery saw a decline for decades in the 1900s until entrepreneur Fritz Maytag bought and revitalized the Anchor in 1965. First released 42 years ago, Anchor’s Christmas is a true treat every year. This winter ale is unique in that each year the recipe is different — 2016’s batch features roasted caramel, spice, chocolate and nuts.

Available at retailers around town in various sizes and prices.

La Muerta | Freetail Brewing Co. > When Freetail opened their Loop 1604 brewpub in late 2008, only Blue Star Brewing remained in San Antonio.

Clearly filling a gap, Freetail kickstarted a new beer boom in San Antonio and, in 2014, launched their 20-barrel production facility on South Presa St. with citywide distribution. La Muerta is Freetail’s highly touted Imperial Stout that boasts rich smoke, roast and chocolate flavors with a hop character more noticeable than other imperial stouts. La Muerta is brewed each year in honor of Dia De Los Muertos.

Available as a limited release, including draft, at select retailers around town for about $15 for a 22-ounce bottle.

JAGER & FIREBALL

ALL DAY EVERYDAY

FEATURING DJ SLIC RIC & DJ NAAWZMIXING THE LATEST MUSIC AND VIDEOS ON 5 HD SCREENS

Drinksirius.com • Lesa@DrinkSirius.com

HOURS:

MON-THUR: 10AM-10PM FRI-SAT: 10AM-11PM SUN: 12PM-9PM

@clubsirius

/toosirius

CALL US TODAY:

1-888-403-7638

SMOKERZPARADIZE.COM

SMOKERZPARADISE@GMAIL.COM

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 37

II

TY! M E T O PA R O C S L A C O WHERE L THE PLACE

tonio’s

an An S n w o t n w Do

ER E B T F A R BEST C CTION! SELE YEARS OF

NO COVER FOR MILITARY EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT

$1.50 Wells from 9-11pm 8827 TX-151 STE 106, San Antonio, TX 78251 | 210.257.9726 www.shenanygans.com

G 12 N I T A R B E CEL OU!!

SERVING Y

THE RIM • STONE OAK • ALAMO RANCH

OPEN EVERY DAY! 2pm-2am Never a cover 21 & up!

302 E. Commerce (between presa & navarro) 210) 271-9494 | LeapinLizardPub.com

Craft Beer & Christmas Cookie Pairing

DEC 15• 7 - 9PM • $5 10 CRAFT BEER SAMPLES, CHRISTMAS COOKIES & A RAFFLE TICKET. SPURS TICKETS GIVE AWAY! 8203 BROADWAY | (210) 824-2700 | THEHANGARSA.COM

38

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

Daily Specials

Half Off Pizza Mondays: Any Large Deep Dish or Tavern-cut Pizza WINE DOWN TUESDAYS: HALF OFF BY THE GLASS OR BOTTLE CRAFT BEER WEDNESDAY: $4 ANY BJ’S HANDCRAFTED BEER BABY BACK THURSDAYS: 1/2 RACK $15.95 | FULL RACK $18.95 WITH TWO SIDES, A HOUSE SALAD & MINI PIZOOKIE MON - THUR 11-12AM | FRI - SAT 11AM - 1AM | SUN 11AM - 12AM

Friday December 16th

NIGHTLIFE

COURTESY OF DORCOL DISTILLING CO.

JESSICA ELIZARRARAS | @JESSELIZARRARAS

4

Ways to Drink This Season

BOOZY HOLIDAYS ≥

The holidays mean bringing family, friends, and significant others together, which usually results in ridiculous arguments, awkward tension and nervous political discourse. The only way through get through the tinsel-mania, packed malls and crowded airports is booze. Here are a few ways to get your booze on while dealing with the holiday season. ▲ BRANDY ALEXANDER TOUR: Take an uber and visit all nine bars serving up creamy and lush Brandy Alexanders made with the award-winning Kinsman Rakia made at Dorcol Distilling Company. Dorcol, Ash, Bar 1919, Blue Box, George’s Keep, Halcyon, The Hoppy Monk, Park Social and Stella Public House will be shaking up the cream-filled holiday classic through December 31. Prices vary, locations vary, dorcolspirits.com.

HOLIDAY COCKTAILS: Out-of-towners begging for barbecue will want to enjoy the new line of beverages from The County Line Bar-B-Q at The Colonnade available throughout early 2017. Stop in for a boozy Ribs and Whiskey with Bulleit Bourbon, blood orange, chocolate bitters and simple, the White Chocolate Peppermint Martini with Godiva White Chocolate liqueur, vanilla vodka, and peppermint schnapps or the Coco-Rum Chata hot chocolate with Rum Chata, Malibu, hot cocoa, jumbo marshmallows, toasted coconut and cinnamon. Prices vary, 10101 I-10 W., (210) 641-1998, countyline.com.

WINE WEDNESDAY MARKET PLACE: Shop and sip at Cafe Dijon where they’ll host artists Wendy Bowman, Lisa Shackleford and Bryson Brooks along with music by Louis Davila and jewelry by Carrol Dorsey Walker, and Amy Hixon-Saravia. Or if you’d rather take the easy way out on gifts, Cafe Dijon will also feature wines by the bottle and case. No admission, December 14, 5-8pm, Cafe Dijon, 555 E. Basse Road, Suite 113, (210) 822-2665.

CRAFT BEER & CHRISTMAS COOKIES: What type of beer pairs best with the gingerbread man you’re about to nosh on? Find out during The Hangar’s craft beer tasting that includes holiday cookies as paired with Saint Arnold’s Sailing Santa, Karbach’s Yule Shoot Your Eye Out, Abita’s Christmas Ale, Magic Hat’s Snow Roller and more. Admission includes 10 beer samples, cookies and a raffle ticket. $5, December 15, 7-9pm, The Hangar, 8203 Broadway, (210) 824-2700. sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 39

MUSIC

SHANNON SWEET

JASON MCEACHEN

JINGLE YOUR BELLS Some alternative holiday concerts to rock your halls

> Like listening to the non-stop, mindnumbing Christmas radio station droning the same Bing Crosby tunes (hopefully while tap dancing with Danny fucking Kaye), holiday music can get pretty redundant.

So until the sweet salvation of the December 26 (the day radio stations go back to the normal, endless loop of the same 15 songs), here are five holiday-ish concerts in and around San Antonio to get you in the spirit without

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 21

SATX Christmas show What’s better than a gathering of San Anto’s quintessential talent? Nothing, really. Here’s a chance to catch bands like rock ‘n’ roll desert adventurers Lonely Horse and space-dwelling jammers Flower Jesus Quintet on the same chilled night. Other acts that will warm you up are Garret Caps, KRTU’s Jeanette Muniz, Carly Garza, Christine Roberts and Roland Cruz (duo), Micro Missile Attack, and Fishermen. Hopefully the Paper Tiger will have their “snow” machine full blast to kickstart this aural gift. $5 suggested donation, 7pm, Paper Tiger, 2410 N St Mary’s St.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 21

Trans-Siberian Orchestra: The Ghosts of Christmas Eve The commercial for Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s “The Ghosts of Christmas Eve” tour looks like a filler SNL skit, complete with dueling virtuoso guitarists suspended over the audience on cherry pickers, and enough lasers, strobe lights, and pyrotechnics to warrant safety waivers.

But even though TSO could be a yuletide parody of 40

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

Yuletide thrashing with TSO

‘80s arena spectacles, it’s become as traditional as The Nutcracker. Expect to hear bombastic renditions of “Carol of the Bells” and other holiday staples, along with original hits such as “Christmas Canon” and “Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24,” performed by musicians in dark, billowy coats and leather pants as they rock you away to the North Pole where Santa Claus slays ice-breathing dragons and saber-toothed tigers. $44.75-$75, two shows: 4pm and 8pm, AT&T Center, 1 AT&T Center Parkway, (210) 444-5140

least for a few hours. Beat the malls and get original presents as local vendors will be selling hand-crafted art and wares, and the BEAT AIDS organization will be administering free HIV and STD testing, because the best gift of all is knowing that loved ones are safe. Free, 8pm, Paper Tiger, 2410 N St Mary’s St.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 22

The classic tale of a young boy Macgyver-ing for his life against bumbling home invaders wouldn’t be the family holiday tradition it is now without the festive score by go-to composer John Williams (the guy behind the Star Wars film score). Experience the fun and lighthearted music played by the SA Symphony, with fingers crossed that the silly sound effects will be intact. On a side note, as revealed in a YouTube sketch, Macaulay Culkin, err Kevin McCallister, now an adult reveals the emotional childhood trauma he’s suffered from after being abandoned for a week and fending off PG burglars in quirky ways. Fun for the whole family! $25+, 7:30pm, 224 E. Houston St., (210) 226-5700

Queers And Beers 3: Make The Holidays Gay Again Why have a blue Christmas when it can be all the colors of the rainbow? Queers and Beers 3, like the name suggests, will mix the two best things ever – the 210’s LGBTQ talent and alcohol – into a fatally fun, open-minded concert where you can dance, sing, and most importantly, be yourself. Top-shelf performers including Alyson Alonzo, Wayne Holtz, Chris Conde, and House of KENZO are slated to turn Christmastime sadness into the ghost of Christmas past - well, at

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 22 - FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23

SA Symphony: Home Alone Live In Concert

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 41

SATURDAY DECEMBER 17TH $15 ADULTS PRESALE $20 ADULTS & $20 MINORS AT THE DOOR

42

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

MUSIC

MP

HUDSON MOORE

ISMAEL RODRIGUEZ

16

AL

IE L

P

JOSH GLENN EXPERIMENT

NA TH

Josh of The Josh Glenn Experiment has a cover of Nina Simone’s “Feeling Good” that might be the best cover of any song ever covered by anyone... ever. Seriously though. It’s soulful, curious and perfectly translates the spirit in which the song was written, an uneasy feat for your average singer-songwriter, which Josh Glenn most certainly isn’t.

FRI

EN

14

COURTESY OF SPIES LIKE US

COURTESY OF HUDSON MOORE

MUSIC PICKS

Well, damn son, Hudson Moore is one sexy country dude. On his latest album Getaway you’ll get the feeling he’s singing straight to you especially on “Sand In The Bed” - “swimming under those king size covers and wrapping my arms around you sweetheart” (Yes, Gawd!). His baritone vocals, accented with a hint of country twang, serenade the listener as country pop rock progressions sail you far away from all the complicated dealings of your average American life.

Incorporating elements of folk and atmospheric indie rock, Moore finds a way to communicate a relatively overdone sound in a sharp and interesting way. 7:30pm, $7-$30, Sam’s Burger Joint, 330 E. Grayson St. — Chris Conde WED

Acoustic guitar strums, percussive guitar taps, and clever riffing braid into themselves as Glenn’s show usually involves him building his songs live using loop pedals making for an engrossing experience. Catch him for the release of his sonically recorded new album Blood Orange. With Jimmy Willden, Volcan, 9pm, $5, 502 Bar, 502 Embassy Oaks #138 — CC

NE

After The Gold Rush Lofgren’s contribution to classic rock and Most recognized for his FRI roll is far from understated. On membership in Bruce tour with actually a surprising Springsteen’s E. Street number of dates in Texas, Nils Band (whom he was inducted to Lofgren stops in San Antonio to the rock and roll hall of fame with captivate our minds and hearts back in 2014) Chicago born, Nils with his seasoned songwriting Lofgren is pretty much a rock and and charming vocal refrains. 8pm, roll legend. Joining Neil Young’s $49.50, The Tobin Center for the band as a teenager and playing Performing Arts, 100 Auditorium guitar and piano on Young’s album Circle — CC

NILS LOFGREN

16

SPIES LIKE US Bust out those black and white creepers and get ready to skank dude cuz you’re about to be swept into a sea of brass, punk rock drumming and quivering “Whoas”.

You guessed it! It’s a ska show! Gaining some notability in the mainstream by artists like Sublime, No Doubt and The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, ska lived a relatively short life in the eyes of pop culture. Refusing to succumb to mainstream’s dictatorship, a handful of bands like San Antonio’s own Spies Like Us charge on into the checkered pattern horizon. With local brethren Kill Liberal and Ghouls Club, the night is guaranteed to quench the thirst for everything two tone. 9pm, $5-$8, Limelight, 2718 N. St. Mary’s — CC FRI

16

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 43

SHARED PLATES

1338 E Houston St | SATX | 78205

44

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

WILL BRANC H

Ever dreamed about running amuck with the clique of cool sluts in school? (You know, the D.Y.I. bad bitches who listened to Bikini Kill and were notorious for foolin’ around in the parking lot?) Well, here’s the best chance to live out the fantasy. Dripping with riot grrrl sarcasm, Sailor Poon teleports the punky politics of the Pacific Northwest to the sweltering Tejas heat.

Sneering deviant numbers like “Hairy Woman” and “Leather Daddy” on Pooney Tunes, these rockin’ banshees throw punches with brassy fistfuls of third wave feminism. It’s hard-biting cumcore for the masses. And, in the name of poon, they will punish you. 8pm, $5, Imagine Books and Records, 8373 Culebra Rd — Abby Mangel FRI

COURTESY PF DEER VIBES

WINTER MAKES ME MISS YOU

SAT

26

SAILOR POON (R APE CRISIS CENTER BENEFIT SHOW )

ROBERT EARL KEEN According to Americanmusic. org, Americana is “contemporary music that incorporates elements of various American roots music styles, including country, roots-rock, folk, bluegrass, R&B and blues, resulting in a distinctive roots-oriented sound that lives in a world apart from the pure forms of the genres upon which it may draw." Robert SAT

17

Earl Keen’s extensive ten-album catalog is a direct reflection of the genre. With a small stint in Nashville after building some momentum with shows at Gruene Hall and The Cactus Cafe in the early 1980s, Keen eventually moved back to Texas where he ultimately found mainstream success. 8pm, $37.50$75, Aztec Theater, 104 N. St. Mary’s — CC

A long two years have come and gone since the last iteration of the Winter Makes Me Miss You Fest, but the nostalgia-laden lineup is returning in full force.

Summoning forth a horde of saintly spirits, the show reins in the wide emotional breadth of the winter season with indie rockers galore. Topping the bill are the hometown heroes of Deer Vibes, a sweeping orchestra that moonlights as a rock band in the transoceanic vein of Beirut and DeVotchKa. However, the space cadets of Celeste’al Descent and Secrete Silent are also slated to spread some cheer among other local acts. Bring tidings of joy and ditch any holiday humbugs, as the frosty festival is doubling as a community food drive. 5pm, $68, The Korova, 107 E. Martin St. — AM SAT

17

DOOMTREE RECORDS

COURESY OF ROBERT EARL KEEN

16

SIMS/AIR CREDITS There’s a lot of terrible hip hop out there. Besides the obvious mainstream garbage, indie hip hop isn’t excused from putting less than palatable rappers with weak ass flows and tired beats. Andrew Sims, better known just as “Sims” manages to float high above the post apocalyptic wasteland of hip hop with his clever syllabic patterns, curious lyricism and smooth delivery over intelligent beats. Hailing from Minnesota and gaining some traction in the independent rap scene in Minneapolis, Sims, along with some friends he met in school, eventually formed the hip hop conglomerate Doomtree which would go on to release some of the best independent hip hop of the century. On a solo tour with Air Credits, Sims is sure to deliver a beacon hope to a dying breed of intelligent, independent hip hop heads. 7pm, $13, Paper Tiger, 2410 N. St. Mary’s — CC SUN

18

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 45

MUSIC

CULTURE

tickets

MUSIC CALENDAR

L O C A L C U LT U R E T I C K E T S . C O M

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 14

December 16 - The Bellamy Brothers

TICKETS TO THE BEST LOCAL EVENTS AT LOCALCULTURETICKETS.COM

David Broza in Concert $18. The Well, 7-9pm Hudson Moore Joined by Troy Cartwright. $7-$30. Sam’s Burger Joint, 8:30pm Quince Wednesdays DJs RiffleEffect and Isaac_TX team up for “the best damn dance party you’ve been to since you were 15.” Free. Hi-Tones, 10pm The Texases The Texases perform favorite 70s, 80s and 90s country songs. Free.

Paper Tiger, 9pm

December 17 - Shinyribs

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15 Brandon Rhyder Texas country/red dirt musician Brandon Rhyder performs an acoustic show at Sam’s Burger Joint. $12$45. Sam’s Burger Joint, 8:30pm

THE NUTCRACKER

December 22 - Ryan Scott Travis

DEC 16 • 7:30PM DEC 17 • 2PM & 7:30 DEC 18 • 7:30P

LILA COCKRELL THEATRE

Disorder Goth, New Wave & Industrial music videos hosted by Ely Bat. Free.

The Amp Room, 11pm Red Cardinal, Shapescenes, Coattails San Antonio’s experimental instrumental band, Red Cardinal, is joined by Austin altrockers Shapescenes and Coattails. $5-$8.

Limelight, 9pm SAHC Toy Drive Benefit punk show at Paper Tiger featuring Amygdala, Afflictive Nature, Bloodhound, Snakeway, Stacked Against, and Surplus. Cover fee is waived for those who bring two or more toys for donation. All proceeds will be donated to Planned Parenthood of South Texas. $5.

Paper Tiger, 6pm

December 30 - Jason Boland & The Stragglers

Thursday Jazz Jam Year End Open House Carmens’ closes out the 2016 Jazz on Thursdays night with a jam session hosted

by Rene Saenz. Free. Carmens De La Calle Cafe, 8-11pm

December 31 - New Year’s Eve with Jon Wolfe

FUZZLAND PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:

BURGER RECORDS HANGOVER FEST V SUN, MAR 19 • 1PM

PAPER TIGER

14492 Old Bandera Rd Helotes, TX (210)695-8827

For tickets: liveatfloores.com 46

SELL YOUR EVENT TICKETS

ON LOCALCULTURETICKETS.COM and get FREE PROMOTION in the CURRENT CALL 210-388-0606 FOR MORE INFO

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16 Alejandro Escovedo Texas singer/songwriter Alejandro Escovedo is joined by altcountry artist Jeremy Nail at Sam’s. $20$90. Sam’s Burger Joint, 9pm Bellamy Brothers Country-rock music legendary duo The Bellamy Brothers are joined by Jason James at Floore’s Country Store. $20-$25. John T Floore’s Country Store, 8:30pm Flamenco Fridays Flamenco Fridays feature flamenco performances from local and touring artists. Ensembles include dancers, guitarist and vocals.

Two showtimes includes 8:30 and 10pm.

Tapas, housemate sangria, full bar. Food until 11pm. $15. Carmens De La Calle Cafe, 8:30-11pm Jazz, TX Presents Doc Watkins and his Orchestra: A Christmas Big Band Show $20. Jazz, TX, 8:30-11:30pm The Kelly Willis and Bruce Robison Holiday Shindig Often described as one of the finest roots duos working in Texas, Bruce Robison & Kelly Willis are performing at Gruene Hall for the holidays. $25. Gruene Hall, 7pm The Merles The Merles perform country music at Luckenbach Dancehall. Free.

Luckenbach Dance Hall, 8pm San Antonio Symphony: Holiday Pops Tobin Center Associate Conductor Akiko Fujimoto, the Symphony Mastersingers and the San Antonio Symphony performs a celebration of the season complete with an audience sing-along, special guests and a program featuring traditional and popular music. $15-$100. Tobin Center for the Performing Arts, 8pm Spies Like Us San Antonio ska band Spies Like Us will be joined by Ghouls Club and Kill Liberal. $5-$8. Limelight, 9pm The Watters + Those Nights The Watters perform peppy and soulful Americana, and are joined by Those Nights. Free. The Phoenix Saloon, 9pm Ziggy Jesus Art Extravaganza Experimental film screening, visual art exhibition, live music, modern dance to viola and poems, and a midnight dance party. First 50 people to arrive take home a blow up Ziggy Star Dust bubble bath pet. $5. The Blue Star Arts Complex, 1pm-1am

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17 Big 4 Metal Show The Big 4 Metal Show features “So What,” Metallica Tribute, “Bloodline,” Slayer Tribute, “Rust In Piece,” Megadeth Tribute, and “Armed and Dangerous,” Anthrax Tribute. Free. Bond’s 007 Rock Bar, 8pm Bob Schneider Texas-grown singer/ songwriter Bob Schneider is playing Gruene Hall. $25. Gruene Hall, 9pm The Canvas People The Canvas People are joined by Dylan Tanner, and Fair City Fire. $5. 502 Bar, 9pm Christmas Ball w/ Gary P. Nunn Gary P. Nunn performs Americana, blues, rock and country. $20. Luckenbach Dance Hall, 9pm David Ramirez Folk/Americana artist David Ramirez will be doing a live album recording during his show at Sam’s. $12$50. Sam’s Burger Joint, 9:30pm

Where Fantasies become reality....

Holiday Lingerie $9.99 & Up

*LGBTQ Ally*

$10 OFF

NEW LOCATION!

All Shoes

The Lonestar Plaza: Off Vance Jackson & 410, near Sugar’s 2639 Mossrock Ste. 108 | SA,TX 78230

50% OFF

Select Shoes

OPEN Mon-Sat 10AM-8PM secretsboutiquebycarie.com | 210.558.8999

PAUL RODRIGUEZ Original Latin King of Comedy

MARK RICCADONNA

December 16-18 @ LOL Writer for NBC’s SNL, Days of Power

December 14-18 @ The IMPROV

NYE SPECIAL

RIS BRAD W ILLIAMS RALPH HAR

EVENTS

MAKE YOUR PLANS NOW!

ABC’s On Our Own, Dreamgirls

Downtown at the IMPROV

Mind of Mencia, About Last Night Podcast, Tonight Show

At LOL

sanantoniocomedyclubs.com sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 47

MUSIC

Hangover Fest Lineup Announcement Party Hangover Fest Lineup Announcement Party features Grape Street, Rattlesnake Milk, Sunjammer and Berlin Dream. $5. Paper Tiger, 8pm

boogie” with soulful ballads on The Tattooed Lady And The Alligator Man. Now she’s bringing her hybrid sound to Sam’s for the holidays. $17-$70. Sam’s Burger Joint, 8pm

Jazz, TX Presents Doc Watkins and his Orchestra: A Christmas Big Band Show $20. Jazz, TX, 8:30-11:30pm

Nag Champa Nag Champa plays cumbias at Limelight. Free. Limelight, 9pm

Longriver and Travis Champ Longriver and Travis Champ are fresh off their Western tour. The songwriters, hailing from Austin and Oregon respectively, seek to showcase the darkness and light of American country, blues, and folk present on their 2015 releases. They will be joined by local musician D.T. Buffkin.

Free. Hermann Sons Rathskeller Bar, 8pm Robert Earl Keen Americana music icon Robert Earl Keen stops by the Aztec Theatre as part of his annual Christmas tour. $20-$150. Aztec Theatre, 8pm San Antonio Symphony: Holiday Pops $15-$100. Tobin Center for the Performing Arts, 8pm ShinyRibs Country-soul artist ShinyRibs is joined by Poor J Brown at Floore’s. $15$20. John T Floore’s Country Store, 9pm Snailmate Get ready for heavy synth and funky hip-hop at Limelight as Arizona’s Snailmate is joined by voodoo boogaloo. $5-$8. Limelight, 9pm Spindrift w/ Mob Rules Tributes to Rush and Dio by Spindrift and Mob Rules at the Amp Room. $5. The Amp Room, 10pm

TITANIUM 4000, X AGAIN, BLACK PANTHER, MASTER ZONE, EXTEN ZONE, EXTREME DIAMOND, EXTRA ZONE, RHINO V5, RHINO X, MAX LOAD, MAX HARD, MAX STAMINA, RHINO BIG HORN, PURE, RED ZONE 3000, RHINO 7 (5000), RHINO BLACK 3K, POWER ZONE 3000, FUEL UP, FORBIDDEN TIGER, FIFTY SHADES, TRIPLE XXX, EREKT FOR WOMAN: KANGROO, SPARXXX, GEISHA

Turnpike Troubadors “Red dirt” country band Turnpike Troubadours play Cowboys Dancehall. $20-$40. Cowboys Dancehall, 7pm

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 18 Chingadera Sundays DJ Aaron Iruegas (aka Heavensentpapi) spins cumbia y más every Sunday at Hi-Tones. Free. Hi-Tones, 9pm Holiday Saxophones Regency Jazz Band leader George Prado brings together talent from across the city and region at the Guadalupe Theater for Holiday Saxophones. $20-$30. Guadalupe Theater, 7-9pm

8373 CULEBRA STE. 103 • 210.521.4555 1639 BABCOCK RD. • 210.474.6005 48

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

▶ Marcia Ball Marcia Ball has been performing since the 1970s, and she combined “groove-laden New Orleans

Sims Margin Walker presents rapper Sims at Paper Tiger, joined by Air Credits. $13.

Paper Tiger, 7pm Sunday Evening Picker Circle w/ Bill Lewis Sunday Evening Picker Circle w/ Bill Lewis is an open unplugged acoustic jam, with country, Americana, rock, blues, and folk. Free. Luckenbach Dance Hall, 5pm

MONDAY, DECEMBER 19 Monday Evening Picker Circle w/ Claudine Meinhardt Monday Evening Picker Circle w/ Claudine Meinhardt is an unplugged show under the Oaks, with country, Americana, rock, blues and folk.

Free. Luckenbach Dance Hall, 5pm Old Skool 90s hip hop/R&B vids with VJ Wooly Bully. Free. The Amp Room, 9pm Swing Nite with the Dirty River Dixie Band This Swing Night at Sam’s features Dirty River Dixie Band and their jazz sound. $10. Sam’s Burger Joint, 8:30pm

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 20 GEN-X 80s 80s Retro/New Wave from classic to obscure. Free. The Amp Room, 10pm Jazz on the Rocks St. Anthony Club’s weekly series combining live jazz, happy hour specials and complimentary small bites. Free. St. Anthony Hotel, 5-7pm Shane Smith, John Baumann Acoustic Show Alt-country band Shane Smith and the Saints play Sam’s Burger Joint with singer/songwriter John Baumann. $7-$30. Sam’s Burger Joint, 8:30pm Two Ton Tuesday Holiday Show San Antonio’s Two Tons Of Steel plays Gruene Hall for the holidays. Their Christmas album, Tangled in Tinsel, will be available for purchase at the show. $5.

Gruene Hall, 8:30pm MARY KEATING BRUTON

A Lovely Afternoon: Holiday Tea & Chamber Jazz Biga celebrates the release of Winter Lullaby: Songs for the Christmas Child by Bett Butler & Joël Dilley. Ticket price includes a CD and donation to KRTU 91.7. Donations of new, unwrapped toys welcome. $75. Biga on the Banks, 3:30-5:30pm

San Antonio Symphony: Holiday Pops $15-$100. Tobin Center for the Performing Arts, 2pm

MILITARY 20% OFF EVERY DAY with valid I.D. CHECK-IN ON FOR 20% OFF ASK ABOUT

RENTING OUR PRIVATE CONFERENCE ROOM FOR EVENTS.

FOLLOW US FOR THE LATEST ON CLASSES, EVENTS, SPECIALS AND MORE

MEGAPLEXSA.COM

Friday | december 16 MARY KEATING BRUTON

$3 Miller lite | $4 Jack Family $4 Green Tea Shots

9405 IH-35 @ THOUSAND OAKS | 657-9999 11827 HWY 281 N @ NAKOMA | 404-0011 OPEN DAILY: 7AM - 2AM sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 49

PARTICIPANTS NEEDED FOR A DIABETES STUDY! IF YOU ARE: •Have diabetes but otherwise healthy.

•30 years of age or older.

•Take Bydureon (exenatide) or Victoza (liraglutide.

You may be eligible to join a clinical trial conducted by the Diabetes Division of the UTHSCSA at the Texas Diabetes Institute (TDI).

If qualified, you will receive: •Physical exam at no cost.

•No cost trial related blood tests.

•Compensation for your time.

FOR INFO CALL 361-289-2556 • SAXETSHOW.COM

1ST WEEKEND OF EVERY MONTH Militaria Ammo Guns Coins Knives

GUN SHOW For more information, contact

FREE TO LISTEN

Texas Diabetes Institute

Free Code: San Antonio Current

210-358-7200

Study will be conducted at the: TDI on 701 Zarzamora St. Principal Investigator: Ralph A. DeFronzo, M.D. Department of Medicine, Diabetes Division UTHSCSA. 50 CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

SAT. JAN. 7, 9 AM - 6 PM SUN. JAN. 8, 9 AM - 5 PM

THE BEST GUN SHOW S A N A N TONIO E V E N T C E N T E R 8111 M E A DOW LE A F • LO OP 410 & M A R BAC H

AND REPLY TO ADS

FIND REAL GAY MEN NEAR YOU San Antonio:

(210) 375-1155 www.megamates.com 18+

ETC.

SLOUCHING TOWARD 2017 > Perhaps you’re not the best person to ask, being a cis white man, but as a queer woman of color, the election had an extremely detrimental effect on my relationships with my white partners. I love and care for them, but looking at those results has me wondering why the fuck they didn’t do better in reaching out to their shitty relatives? I’m sick of living at the whim of white America. I’m aware this is the blame stage of processing, but it’s left me unable to orgasm with my white partners. I’m really struggling with what Trump means for me and others who look like me. I know my queer white partners aren’t exempt from the ramifications of this, but I wish they had done better.

Respond however you like.

Devastated Over National Election First and most importantly, DONE, you don’t have to fuck anyone you don’t wanna fuck — period, the end, fin, full stop, terminus — but we owe it to ourselves to be thoughtful about who we’re fucking, who we aren’t, and why.

Data isn’t a turn-on for most people, DONE, and I’m not suggesting the data I’m about to cite obligates you to fuck anyone. But queer voters (a group that includes millions of people of color) didn’t just reject Trump, they did so by wider margins than some communities of color (groups that include millions of queers). While 14 percent of LGBT voters backed Trump, 28 percent of Latino voters and 19 percent of Asian American voters backed Trump. (Only 8 percent of African Americans voted for Trump.) The shitty and unfathomable votes of some POC — and some queers (WTF, 14 percenters?) — doesn’t get your white partners off the orgasm-killing hook. It’s possible your white queer partners didn’t do enough to persuade their families back in Clinton County, Iowa, to vote against hatred, fascism, racism, and Trump. (Trump won Clinton County, Iowa, by five depressing points.)

Like you, DONE, I’m struggling with what this election means. I’m not going to tell you what to do, or who to do, or how to process the election. I am going to tell you to talk with all your partners

SAVAGE LOVE

by Dan Savage

about your fears and your anger, and I encourage you to do whatever and whoever feels right going forward. > If the GOP can send a huge prick like Donald J. Trump to the White House, why can’t we send our own pricks? My modest proposal: a coordinated effort to send thousands of dildos to Trump on January 21 — enough dildos to make news and get under his thin skin.

This coordinated effort would be supplied and vetted by responsible, women-friendly sex shops with a portion of the proceeds going to Planned Parenthood, LGBT charities, and the ACLU. Donald Is Loathsomely, Disastrously Outrageous I like the way your mind works, DILDO, but your plan would result in good dildos going to waste. So perhaps we should do a dildo version of the ice-bucket-challenge thing instead? You gift a dildo to someone through a cooperating, woman-friendly, progressive sex-toy shop, and that person gifts a dildo to someone else, and so on.

A portion of the proceeds for each gifted dildo goes to groups fighting Trump’s agenda and a card gets sent to Trump letting him know a dildo was gifted to a deserving orifice in his name and a worthy organization benefited. Nearly 100,000 people have made donations to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence’s name since the election, and that’s made news. This could too, DILDO. If someone wants to run with this idea, I’ve purchased the URL marchofdildos. com. Get in touch, show me your plan, and I’ll gift the URL to you.

CONFIDENTIAL TO OAKLAND: My heart goes out to all the lovers, friends, family members, and artistic collaborators of the musicians, artists, poets, writers, filmmakers, and students who lost their lives in the fire at the Ghost Ship. Terry and I made a donation to the “Fire Relief Fund for Victims of Ghostship Oakland Fire” at YouCaring.com. Please consider making a donation if you can. mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

FREE

Dating made Easy

to Listen & Reply to ads.

FREE CODE: San Antonio Current

210.375.1800 San Antonio

For other local numbers:

18+ www.MegaMates.com

The hottest place to meet Latinos!

Try FREE: 210-447-1103 More Local Numbers: 1-855-831-1111

fonochatlatino.com 18+

Open desires...

Hidden identities...

REAL PEOPLE, REAL DESIRE, REAL FUN.

Try FREE Now: 210-933-1106 More Local Numbers: 1-800-700-6666

More Local Numbers: 1-800-926-6000

redhotdateline.com 18+

FREE TRIAL

Discreet Chat Guy to Guy

Try FREE: 210-933-1103 Ahora español Livelinks.com 18+

210.320.6103

Meet sexy new friends

FREE TRIAL

210-933-1113

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 51

ETC.

NEED MONEY

NOW?

JONESIN’ CROSSWORD by Matt Jones

We want to make you a loan today!

Answer on page 25

1,340

0 to $ 4 $ m o r F

!

Y A D TO

Noble Finance 210.921.0971

e* te Ser viec.net u n i M 0 c *3 blefinan www.no

Check out fresh daily content at sacurrent.com

Now Hiring Caregivers “Ask Your Doctor” — these sound like legit meds.

Starting at $9/hour

ACROSS

Overtime available! 40+hours/week ok!

We offer flexible hours, overtime, paid time off and health insurance!

Shifts available throughout San Antonio and surrounding areas. Must be at least 18 years old with reliable transportation.

Call 210-834-9214 for more information, or apply in person at 6243 IH-10 W, Suite 375 or online at www.lifespantx.com.

Now Hiring RNs & LVNs We offer Sign-On Bonuses $3K for full-time RNs | $1K for full-time LVNs

Join our team! We are dedicated to providing quality care!

Give us a call today at 210-798-0123, ext. 1910 Performing skilled care for adult patients in their home.

Communicating changes in patient condition to physician. or apply online at www.lifespantx.com.

Requirements Essential Tasks

Current nursing licensure, valid TX driver’s license, auto insurance and CPR certification. Minimum of one year experience in a hospital or equivalent setting. Home health experience preferred but not required.

52 CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

1 “Dracula” novelist Stoker 5 Rapper ___ Flocka Flame 9 Fundamental principle 14 Brain division 15 European auto brand 16 Desist’s companion 17 “Do you eat chocolate all day long? Ask your doctor if ___ is right for you.”

19 Address the crowd 20 Role-playing game in the “Elder Scrolls” series 21 “Do you say things that are self-contradictory? Ask your doctor if ___ is right for you.”

23 Agcy. under Elaine Chao, once 25 Concert boosters 26 Some butter 29 “The Mikado” costume element 31 Greetings from Hawaii 35 Albany-to-Buffalo canal 36 Important part of a news story that might get “buried” 38 Hearten 39 Fish and chips fish 40 “Do you watch movies on ancient technology? Ask your doctor if ___ is right for you.”

42 News and opinion website since 2014 43 Brando’s Nebraska birthplace 45 Word before clock or glass

46 “Match Game” emcee Rayburn 47 Dressing places?

49 Brunch drink orders, maybe 50 Small bills 51 Bouncy 53 Ancient road to Rome 55 “Do you sit there and watch your fish swim around? Ask your doctor if ___ is right for you.”

59 AL East athlete 63 Fool’s cap wearer 64 “Do you wish you lived on a massive rock at the southern tip of Europe? Ask your doctor if ___ is right for you.”

66 Mischievous pranks 67 “Garfield” drooler 68 Luxury rental 69 Packs (away) 70 Sloth and avarice, for two 71 “Raiders of the Lost Ark” creatures

DOWN

1 Crunchy sandwiches 2 Corner piece 3 “Dear” advice columnist 4 Place of ‘90s TV 5 Hypothetical space-time shortcut 6 Abbr. on military mail 7 Gambling game played with 80 balls 8 Amazon Echo’s voice service

9 Riboflavin’s group 10 Deodorant option 11 Coal valley in Germany 12 Math ratio words 13 Out in public 18 Frozen water, in Wittenberg 22 1950s singing star ___ Sumac 24 Encourages a felon 26 Bill of cowboy legend 27 Appetite stimulant 28 Music streaming service since 2014 30 State with an upright panhandle 32 Place of refuge 33 Make up (for) 34 Palindromic pair 37 Eggplant or smiley, e.g.

40 Reputation hurter 41 Available, as retail goods 44 Gets angry against Bart Simpson’s wishes 46 Silverback, for one 48 ___ Lanka 52 Often-mocked cars of the 1980s 54 A goal of NOW 55 Throws in 56 Give up 57 Rescind 58 Skirt length 60 ___ Day and the Knights (“Animal House” band) 61 Item on a bedside table 62 First asteroid landed on by a NASA craft 65 Bulk foods container

ETC.

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY by Rob Brezsny ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): “Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how,” said dancer Agnes De Mille.

“We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.” As true as her words might be for most of us much of the time, I suspect they don’t apply to you right now. This is one of those rare moments when feeling total certainty is justified. Your vision is extra clear and farseeing.

Your good humor and expansive spirit will ensure that you stay humble. As you take leap after leap, you’ll be surrounded by light.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): “We are torn between nostalgia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange,” wrote author Carson McCullers. Are you ready to give that adage a twist, Taurus? In the coming weeks, I think you should search for foreign and strange qualities in your familiar world. Such a quest may initially feel odd, but will ultimately be healthy and interesting. It will also be good preparation for the next chapter of your life, when you will saunter out into unknown territory and find ways to feel at home there.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20): “If you don’t use your own imagination, somebody else is going to use it for you,” said writer Ronald Sukenick. That’s always true, but it will be especially important for you to keep in mind in 2017. You Geminis will have an unparalleled power to enlarge, refine, and tap into your imagination. You’ll be blessed with the motivation and ingenuity to make it work for you in new ways, which could enable you to accomplish marvelous feats of creativity and self-transformation. Now here’s a warning: If you DON’T use your willower to take advantage of these potentials, your imagination will be subject to atrophy and colonization.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22): Why are Australian sand wasps so skilled at finding their way back home after being out all day?

Here’s their trick: When they first leave the nest each morning, they fly backwards, imprinting on their memory banks the sights they will look for when they return later. Furthermore, their exiting flight path is a slow and systematic zigzag pattern that orients them from multiple directions.

I recommend that you draw inspiration from the sand wasps in 2017, Cancerian. One of your important tasks will be to keep finding your way back to your spiritual home, over and over again.

LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): Vault 21, a restaurant in Dunedin, New Zealand, serves sautéed locusts. For $ 5, patrons receive a plate of five. The menu refers to the dish not as “Oily Sizzling Grasshoppers,” but rather as “Sky Prawns.” Satisfied customers know exactly what they’re eating, and some say the taste does

indeed resemble prawns. I bring this to your attention, Leo, because it illustrates a talent you will have in abundance during 2017: re-branding.

You’ll know how to maximize the attractiveness and desirability of things by presenting them in the best possible light.

VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): The literal translation of the German word Kummerspeck is “grief bacon.” It refers to the weight gained by people who, while wallowing in self-pity, eat an excess of comfort food. I know more than a few Virgos who have been flirting with this development lately, although the trigger seems to be self-doubt as much as self-pity. In any case, here’s the good news: The trend is about to flip. A flow of agreeable adventures is due to begin soon. You’ll be prodded by fun challenges and provocative stimuli that will boost your confidence and discourage Kummerspeck.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22): “Since you are like no other being ever created since the beginning of time, you are incomparable,” wrote journalist Brenda Ueland. Pause for a moment and fully take in that fact, Libra. It’s breathtaking and daunting. What a huge responsibility it is to be absolutely unique. In fact, it’s so monumental that you may still be shy about living up to it.

But how about if you make 2017 the year you finally come into your own as the awesomely unprecedented creature that you are? I dare you to more fully acknowledge and express your singular destiny. Start today!

valuable information as you make decisions that affect your destiny for years to come. The first of these heart-to-hearts should come very soon.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): During these last few weeks, you may have sometimes felt like smashing holes in the wall with your head, or dragging precious keepsakes into the middle of the street and setting them on fire, or delivering boxes full of garbage to people who don’t appreciate you as much as they should.

I hope you abstained from doing things like that.

Now here are some prescriptions to help you graduate from unproductive impulses: Make or find a symbol of one of your mental blocks, and bash it to pieces with a hammer; clean and polish precious keepsakes, and perform rituals to reinvigorate your love for them; take as many trips to the dump as necessary to remove the congestion, dross, and rot from your environment.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18): Singer-songwriter Tom Waits has a distinctive voice. One fan described it this way: “Like how you’d sound if you drank a quart of bourbon, smoked a pack of cigarettes and swallowed a pack of razor blades. Late at night. After not sleeping for three days.” Luckily, Waits doesn’t

have to actually do any of those self-destructive things to achieve his unique tone. In fact, he’s wealthy from selling his music, and has three kids with a woman to whom he’s been married for 36 years. I foresee a similar potential for you in the coming weeks and months. You may be able to capitalize on your harmless weirdness ... to earn rewards by expressing your charming eccentricities ... to be both strange and popular.

PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): Was punk rock born on June 4, 1976? A fledgling band known as the Sex Pistols played that night for a crowd of 40 people at a small venue in Manchester, England. Among the audience members was Morrissey, who got so inspired that he started his own band, The Smiths. Also in attendance was a rowdy guy who would soon launch the band Joy Division, despite the fact that he had never played an instrument. The men who would later form the Buzzcocks also saw the performance by Johnny Rotten and his crew. According to music critic David Nolan, these future pioneers came away from the June 4 show with the conclusion, “You don’t have to be a virtuoso or a musical genius to be in a band; anyone can do it.” I see parallels between this seminal event and your life in the coming weeks.

THIS MODERN WORLD by Tom Tomorrow

SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21): “To dream ... to dream has been the business of my life,” wrote author Edgar Allan Poe. I don’t expect you to match his devotion to dreams in 2017, Scorpio, but I do hope you will become more deeply engaged with your waking fantasies and the stories that unfold as you lie sleeping. Why? Because your usual approaches to gathering useful information won’t be sufficient. To be successful, both in the spiritual and worldly senses, you’ll need extra access to perspectives that come from beyond your rational mind. Here’s a good motto for you in 2017: “I am a lavish and practical dreamer.”

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): Physicist Stephen Hawking is skeptical of the hypothesis that humans may someday be able to travel through time. To jokingly dramatize his belief, he threw a party for time travelers from the future. Sadly, not a single chrononaut showed up to enjoy the champagne and hors d’oeuvres Hawking had prepared. Despite this discouraging evidence, I guarantee that you will have the potential to meet with Future Versions of You on a regular basis during the next nine months.

These encounters are likely to be metaphorical or dreamlike rather than literal, but they will provide

sacurrent.com • December 14-20, 2016 • CURRENT 53

Type 2

Diabetes

+

High Blood

Pressure

The Right

=

Combination

Do you have the right combination?

If you have type 2 diabetes plus high blood pressure you may have the right combination. ICON is seeking people like you for a clinical research study.

Study details:

• Adults age 30-65 • Non-smokers • Compensation up to $6,000 for time and travel ICON Early Phase Services 54 CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

8307 Gault Lane • San Antonio, TX 78209