San Antonio Current WTF

FEATURE

16

CURRENT • December 14-20, 2016 • sacurrent.com

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sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 3

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sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 7

FIRST WORDS

1

Texas cuts Planned Parenthood from Medicaid coverage: “Prepare for a spike in STDs, and an even higher teen birth rate. Texas is absolutely fantastic at ignoring science and imposing their religious ethics onto the general public.” – Alexander Gregory Trump sons create Texas nonprofit to auction off access to president: “Nothing says working for the common man like asking for a quarter of a million dollars to hang out.” – Evelyn Chalmers Texans in Congress don’t really support a “border wall,” right?: “Wait, you mean building an actual, physical wall is a ridiculous idea? Who knew.”

– Carrie Jennings Council votes to fine homeowners for underage drinking on their property: “I think the bigger issue is the invasion of privacy in your home not to mention the loss of home owners rights.” – Rob Myrie Paxton-is-innocent conspiracy theory revolves around GOP infighting (and Battletoads): “What a disgrace! People like him and those who vote for them give this state a bad name.” – Leon Albert Adams “He reminds me of the Goonies Monster.”

– Michael Stevens • Send your thoughts, comments, kudos or tips to letters@sacurrent.com

F T W

nuary 3 December 28-Ja

2016

FEATURE

CALENDAR

ETC.

10 // WTF 2016 Remembering the year we’d rather forget

25 // New Year’s Eve Listings Food and Parties to ring in 2017

51 // Savage Love

12 // Break the Internet Looking back at the year “facts” were made irrelevant

32 // Top Picks Our top calendar picks for the week

16 // Sound of Silence The year the music died 22 // Self-Care 2017 Because we need all the help we can get

ON THE

COVER Seriously, tho...fuck 2016. That’s all we’re sayin’. This week, we take a look back at an unusually shitty year.

Cover design and art direction

by Sarah Flood-Baumann

8

CURRENT • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • sacurrent.com

///

Issue 16_52

41 // Music Calendar What to see and hear this week

52 // Jonesin’ Crossword Freewill Astrology

sacurrent.com • November 23-29, 2016 • CURRENT 9

ILLUSTRATION FEATURE

BY MICHELLE C. LORENTZEN

Remembering the year we’d rather forget

We as a society like to do this whole worst-year-ever thing a lot, probably because it can be a clean, almost therapeutic way to recognize all the failures of the recent past in hopes we don’t repeat them in the coming year.

But 2016 was an uncommonly awful year. Maybe you slipped into this year’s thick malaise following the Pulse nightclub shooting, because of course another mass shooting targeting one of society’s most vulnerable, stomped-on communities would happen in 2016.

Perhaps for you, 2016 went full-blown nightmare when the presidential candidate who joked about sexually assaulting women and called Mexicans rapists somehow made it to the White House. Or maybe you got caught in the costliest storm in Texas history, which

10

CURRENT • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • sacurrent.com

dumped $1.4 billion worth of hail damage on San Antonio this year.

Then there were all the brilliant, creative minds we lost just as we needed them most. The never-ending headlines about the baby-deforming Zika virus and exploding cell phones. We ended the year watching, either shocked or numb, as civilians in Aleppo live tweeted and streamed their deaths amid a horrific bombardment that caps year six of one of the bloodiest humanitarian crises of the modern age.

So, to all that, we say: What the actual fuck, 2016? This week, we reflect on some of the forces that combined to make this year a supremely shitty one.

— Michael Barajas

*

Oh, and here are some coloring book pages. Because what’s more cathartic than hate-coloring all over this stupid year?

©2016 Goose Island Beer Co., Goose IPA®, India Pale Ale, Chicago, IL | Enjoy responsibly.

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sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 11

FEATURE

WTF at: Sqirl and the New California Cooking, by Jessica Koslow (Abrams Books, 280 pages) This is the killer of the bunch. In last year’s holiday cookbook guide, I wished for more local restaurants to emulate Sqirl; now I have the bible to re-create that magic at home. A gorgeous document of a magical and deceptively simple restaurant.

2. A Super Upsetting Cookbook About Sandwiches, by Tyler Kord (Clarkson Potter, 192 pages) Tyler Kord is like your weirdest, most brilliant friend, the one who comes up with completely bizarre systems for everyday processes that turn out to make everything better. If the person you’re buying for likes sandwiches (and who doesn’t?) and out-of-the-box thinking (not everyone does), this is the book for them.

3. Molly on the Range: Recipes and Stories From an Unlikely Life on a Farm, by Molly Yeh (Rodale, 304 pages

12

CURRENT • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • sacurrent.com

ILLUSTRATION BY JEREMIAH TEUTSCH

BREAK THE INTERNET

Looking back at a year “facts” were made irrelevant

The Oxford University Press selected the term “post-truth” as 2016’s international word of the year (“relating to or denoting circumstances in which objective facts are less influential in shaping public opinion than appeals to emotion and personal belief,” according to the new dictionary). “Alt-right” is the new euphemism for white supremacy. Syria and the Pulse nightclub shooting and Flint, Michigan and an endless stream of gut-punch headlines. The year “fake news” combined with ratings- and click-obsessed media combined with nearly half the American voting population’s willingness to embrace (or at least tolerate) a presidential candidate who demonized Muslims, women, immigrants and Black Lives Matter protesters (among others) on his way to power. Here’s a look back at some of the shit-tastic events of 2016 that led to this upside-down world we now inhabit at the start of 2017. — Michael Barajas

MAKE AMERICA HATE AGAIN > In just the six days following the November 8 election of Donald Trump to the White House, the Southern Poverty Law Center documented 437 cases of “hateful intimidation and harassment.”

The unnerving flood of overt, post-election displays of racism, homophobia, misogyny and xenophobia follows a year in which hate speech was mainstreamed by a presidential candidate who tapped into deep-seated prejudices to fuel his run. Take, for instance, the race-based taunting that began to pop up at high school volleyball and basketball games across the country, as white students used Trump-themed chants to mock rivals from predominantly Hispanic schools.

Perhaps what’s so depressing about politics in 2016 is how much it underscored the degree to which prejudice will continue to steer the discourse.

In Texas, a state that has become a laboratory for trickle-down Islamophobia in recent years, we’ve already had hints of what this kind of “dialogue” leads to. Going into the 2016 election, public opinion polls showed that seven out of 10 Republicans in this GOP-dominated state “strongly favored” subjecting Muslims living in this country (American Muslims) to “more scrutiny than people in other religious groups,” echoing one of the hallmarks of the Trump campaign. Indeed, we’ve become a state where

public school teachers warn their students how Islam is “an ideology of war” or might call the Muslim kid a terrorist in class; where the cops get called if a kid named Ahmed brings a clock with too many wires to school; where people protest the opening of an Arabic immersion school; where armed, masked protestors will patrol outside a mosque to, in their words, “Stop the Islamization of America”; where state officials compare Syrian refugees to a pit of venomous snakes and joke about nuking “the Muslim world”; and where a state lawmaker might make Muslim visitors to her office swear an oath “to renounce Islamic terrorist groups and publicly announce allegiance to America and our laws.”

As Trump’s swearing-in approaches, the public, hate-fueled reactions just keep on coming – from fliers posted around Texas State University urging people to help usher in Trump’s new “era of law and order” by reporting undocumented students, to the neoNazi pamphlets (which referred to immigrants as “animals”) that surfaced at a Houston apartment complex, or the hateful, racist letter sent to the Central Texas Food Bank, chiding the organization for giving freeloading “illegals” and “Africans” a helping hand.

For anyone who thought we’d started to shove hate speech into the shadows where it belongs, 2016 was the year it seemed to reemerge loud, proud and emboldened. All after a presidential campaign that featured ample amounts of race-based taunting from the guy who ultimately won. Go figure. — MB

>This year highlighted how hard it is to be a kid in Texas.

It started with the fallout from a federal lawsuit accusing Texas’ foster care program of severely violating children’s rights. In her blistering December 2015 ruling, U.S. District Judge Janis Jack called the state’s foster system a place where “rape, abuse, psychotropic medication, and instability are the norm,” giving two children’s rights

PROBLEM CHILD

THE BURDEN IS (STILL) UNDUE

FEATURE

> At first glance, 2016 might look like a victorious year for Texas women. In June, the state’s sweeping anti-abortion law that had placed unnecessary, burdensome regulations on abortion providers (forcing dozens to close) was declared unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court. Reproductive rights advocates had finally won the fight that began in 2013 with Sen. Wendy Davis’ 11-hour-long filibuster on the floor of the Texas Senate.

Or so they thought. Despite a favorable ruling, none of the 21 abortion clinics that closed under Texas’ restrictive abortion law have managed to reopen. In fact, many clinic owners had been forced to sell their buildings, surrender their leases, and offl oad much of their equipment. Most don’t have the kind of money to re-open a business that Texas offi cials had just tried to stomp out of existence.

Naturally, the state has offered no support to clinics shuttered

by Texas’ ultimately unconstitutional law. There are still only 19 clinics left in Texas, most of them crammed into the state’s major metropolitan areas — meaning thousands of reproductive-age women have to drive several hours (or hop the state line) to find an abortion provider. It’s no wonder that recent studies indicate that between 100,000 and 240,000 Texas women between the ages of 18 and 49 have tried to end a pregnancy by themselves.

And it’s not like Texas abortion opponents threw up their hands and went home after their Supreme Court loss. Jilted Texas conservatives wasted little time before letting loose new antiabortion regulations in 2016. In fact, Gov. Greg Abbott waited a full four days after the High Court’s decision before introducing his new “fetal burial rule” — which would make state health providers cremate and bury the fetal remains of every abortion and miscarriage that takes place in their facility. In many cases, this means cremating a quarter-sized embryo. Of course, there’s no medical or scientific reason behind the rule, which abortion advocates see as just another way to burden the state’s dwindling number of abortion clinics — all while further shaming women who decide to terminate a pregnancy.

Abortion providers have already sued to block the new rule, which had been scheduled to go into effect December 19 (a hearing on the case is now scheduled in early January). This means that in 2017, we’ll get to debate Texas-based, medically unnecessary abortion restrictions. Again.

Oh, and speaking of women’s health care, Texas also finally followed through on its threat to kick Planned Parenthood out of the state’s Medicaid program, potentially jeopardizing the basic health care services of thousands of low-income women who use the organization’s family planning clinics. Planned Parenthood has already vowed to fight the decision in court, meaning that, in 2017, there will be not one but two Texas-based abortion-related legal fights to look forward to. — Alex Zielinski

experts six months to come up with a solution.

In the meantime, the state’s Department of Family and Protective Services scrambled to make up for a $40 million budget shortfall, paired with a serious shortage of safe foster homes and an overworked staff. The situation worsened after reports trickled out of DFPS’ Child Protective Services arm showing that caseworkers routinely failed to check in on almost 1,000 of Texas’ most at-risk children in foster care.

And that was just the number of children deemed to be at

“immediate risk of physical or sexual abuse” — in total, internal reports showed that some 5,000 Texas children who lived in homes with “suspected abuse” were going for long periods of time without critical face-to-face visits with caseworkers.

Despite his perfunctory outrage over the matter, Abbott and his fellow conservative state leaders recoiled when Judge Jack’s experts eventually unveiled 56 specific recommendations to overhaul the floundering foster care program. Attorney General Ken Paxton called the advice sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 13

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FEATURE

(which included the totally uncontroversial suggestions that CPS hire more child welfare workers, regulate the size of foster group homes, and better protect child victims of sexual abuse) “impractical” and ultimately a waste of taxpayer money. At the end of 2016, most of these foster kids are still living in dangerous homes.

Meanwhile, another investigation (this one spearheaded by the Houston Chronicle) uncovered yet another state department that had effectively ignored tens of thousands of the state’s most vulnerable kids. According to a series of damning reports by the daily, the Texas Education Agency had effectively ordered local school districts to cap enrollment of special education students at 8.5 percent — way below the national average. That means as many as a quarter million students with disabilities may have been jettisoned from the program for no identifiable reason (other than perhaps to bring costs down), denying them critical in-school services like therapy, counseling and one-on-one tutoring. The year ended with the feds swooping in to collect hundreds of emotional testimonials from parents, teachers, and the students themselves to understand how the situation got this out of hand.

If we’re lucky, federal intervention could jolt the TEA into reform. If not, Texas’ top grown-ups may need to be held back a year. — AZ

BLACK AND BLUE If 2015 was the year the issue of police violence finally came screaming back into the public consciousness, 2016 was the year we simply could not ignore it. Which in some ways is a good thing — greater awareness leads to more voices that lead to more questions that hopefully someday lead to more solutions and greater understanding and all that stuff.

But this was 2016, which, true to form, decided to crap all over even the slightest of silver linings. This was a year that underscored, and in many ways seemed to fortify, the divisions between communities of color, which often bear the brunt of overzealous policing, and a police force that feels increasingly under attack.

A steady clip of videos featuring unarmed black men dying at the hands of police (Keith Lamont Scott, Terence Crutcher, Philando Castile) triggered even more nationwide protest in 2016, even as mistrials in Ohio and North Carolina revealed what little such damning video evidence can even accomplish in a justice system that at times seems incapable of holding police accountable for their actions. It was the year a lone gunman targeted cops at a Dallas Black Lives Matter protest, killing five and wounding seven; the gunman, who’d been kicked out of the Army and blacklisted by black power groups, reportedly told police that he was upset about recent police shootings before they robotbombed him to end the deadly standoff.

It was the year someone ambushed and executed a beloved San Antonio police

detective (who was, by all accounts, a shining example of we want a modern police officer to be) in broad daylight outside the local police headquarters (the suspect now says he was angry about a child custody dispute and “lashed out at somebody who didn’t deserve it”). This year, a San Antonio police officer shot and killed Antronie Scott because he thought his cell phone was a gun.

This year was also when we got a glimpse of how hard it will be to pass even minor police reforms on the local level.

Earlier this year, more than 90 percent of local police union members voted they no longer had confidence in San Antonio Police Chief William McManus to lead their department because he fired the officer who killed Scott (before reversing course and allowing him to stay on the force, that is) and dared to consider reforms for police use of force. The mayor’s office ultimately hammered out, and the majority of city council approved, a new contract with a police union that had refused to even consider police reforms at the negotiating table – including rules baked into the agreement that effectively cover up officer misconduct after enough time has passed, rules that remain untouched in the city’s new five-year deal with the union.

As 2016 draws to a close, local police reform activists have already started to drop out of a task force convened

by Mayor Ivy Taylor to bridge the gap between law enforcement and a disaffected community that desperately needs good policing right now. For many, we end 2016 with a better understanding of the roadblocks ahead, but only the haziest idea how to move forward. — MB

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sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 15

ILLUSTRATION

BY ROSARIO CORONA

FEATURE

ARD COHEN LEON

RON JONES SHA

LEON RUSSELL

JUAN GABRIEL 16

PRINCE

CURRENT • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • sacurrent.com

DAVID BOWIE

FEATURE

prison. His velvet-voiced croon was a departure from the wiry drawl of Hank Williams or the grit of Cash.

With an impossibly beautiful Remembering the year the music died voice, Haggard spoke hard truths — about alcoholics or men forced to live “on the (January 8, 1947 – January 10, 2016) wrong side of the law.” In the process, he became a voice for > To say that David Bowie had a monumental impact on the displaced, a champion of true country blues singing about the direction of popular and avant garde music is not only hobos, trains, jazz, working class folks and down-in-the-dirt somehow an understatement, but it fails to encapsulate criminals doing what they can to scrape by. His disdain for the full cultural magnitude and the deep impact of the man politicians made him one of country’s iconic dissenters. that fell to earth.

When asked about what inspired his songwriting, Haggard As a performer who challenged racism and sexism once said, “There is a restlessness in my soul that I’ve never openly, early, and often, as an individual who championed conquered, not with motion, marriages or meaning … [It’s] still identity as a sacred tapestry to be embellished with there to a degree. And it will be till the day I die.” It was that delirious joy and somber reverence, as a person intent on restlessness that made Haggard, in Bob Dylan’s words, “as thumbing his nose at gender roles, rock star poses, and deep as deep gets.” Thank God for that restlessness. —MB political pacification alike, Bowie did as much good socially as he did musically. The consummate artist, Bowie ended (June 7, 1958 – April 21, 2016) his long odyssey on this planet with one of his finest works > As a Millennial, I missed out on the majority of Prince’s ever, the dense yet smirking album Blackstar, released just ascension to stardom in the late 1970s and mid-80s. It two days before his death. wasn’t until Musicology in 2004 and his mind-boggling, The value of an unflinching and exemplary life like his, rain-filled Super Bowl halftime show in 2007, that I came consumed in creative impulse and in staring down the future, around to Prince’s raw talent (how did he not face-plant even under the weight of a fast-approaching death, cannot on that water-soaked stage?!) and somehow even rawer be overstated. It’s reassuring to think of all the young folks, sexual magnetism (seeing co-workers flock TVs to take in especially, who must have connected with Bowie and his the Purple One's majesty during his impromptu visit to The music for the first time this year. — James Courtney View was especially enlightening).

SOUND OF SILENCE

DAVID BOWIE

PRINCE

took the best of him, ending in a series of alcohol related brushes with the law.

But only Emilio could have miraculously recovered after hitting some highway barrels with his tour bus, going through the windshield and landing head first on the pavement. SA showed its love for him when, at age 53, he died at home, unexpectedly, in May (heart attack, after having a bike ride in the nearby park). But it is important to remember that it was Mexico (specifically, Monterrey) where people couldn’t have enough of him and where he performed for the last time five days before his passing.

“I play a lot in Mexico because Mexico loves me,” he told the Current in 2012. “But on this side, Tejano is kind of down, slow. That’s scary.”

His legacy was cemented long before his death, but his talented sons (Diego and Emilio IV, from The Last Bandoleros) will strongly continue the Navaira groove for years to come.

Emilio was a natural star born with an incredible voice (when singing in English, he always reminded me of a young Elton John), but he was also so San Antonio — humble and real.

That’s why we loved him. — Enrique Lopetegui

JUAN GABRIEL (January 7, 1950 – August 28, 2016)

> Only Juan Gabriel could have taken seven years off without recording an album and remain Mexico’s top pop figure.

Before and after dealing with legal issues with his label, he wrote hundreds of classics deeply instilled in the country’s DNA, but he also fed countless artists who earned a living simply by covering his hymns. Yes, he was cheesy and corny and his poetry will never be When he passed on April 21 of this God forsaken year, seriously considered by Stockholm’s Nobel Committee.

(November 20, 1970 – March 22, 2016) mourning fans left purple flowers in front of his Paisley Park But his sense of melody was superb, while his artistic > This year, Phife Dog, real name Malik Taylor, would residence and the First Avenue nightclub he immortalized open-mindedness allowed him to jump from romantic have celebrated the 25 year anniversary of the release of in the film Purple Rain; purple lights lit up bridges, pop to rancheras and even rock without ever sounding one of the greatest, most influential hip-hop albums of all skyscrapers; clubs and radio stations played back-toopportunistic. His wit left him off the hook whenever a time, The Low End Theory. For Phife, it was his breakout back hits spanning his 40-year career; The New Yorker journalist tried to corner him about his sexuality. Because, work with the Queens rap collective A Tribe Called Quest, referenced Purple Rain with an understated tearjerker of on top of it all, Juan Gabriel was a gay man in what’s proving himself the 5-foot assassin who assaulted you with a cover. SA mourned collectively at Paper Tiger, Brass perhaps the world’s most machista country. insightful, insanely quotable lines.

Monkey, Alamo Drafthouse and a Stars and Garters tribute “I have four sons. That’s No. 1,” he told the Los Angeles Phife will be remembered as one of the brilliant lyricists show, because obviously.

Times in 1993. “Second, in show business, if you’re male we lost in 2016, but to many, he was also a representative Prince knew how to laugh off a Chappelle Show skit, and cute and gracious, people assume you’re blah blah of the fundamental humanity at the core of all good hip-hop. how to electrify audiences, how to throw the best shade blah. But people don’t understand that art itself is female His words were thoughtful but unpretentious, his music and how to get listeners to feel, emote and get through — it is full of graciousness, cadence, color, rhythm. It’s full substantive and truly original. That’s why he connected to this thing called “life,” in thigh-highs, assless chaps, lace, of love and grace. No. 3: Nowadays, the important thing such a broad group of people — from all corners of the music and the tightest of Lycra, no less. He was ethereal and is to be careful. That’s what people have to worry about, and hip-hop communities to the goofy Atlanta traffic reporter ephemeral, and there will be no one like him for a very, very not whether one is or isn’t. Watch your ‘bird’ and watch who threw Phife lyrics into an entire segment about the long time. —Jessica Elizarraras your butt. Especially in the U.S., where there is, or there is morning commute in honor of the dearly departed. supposed to be, so much respect for all peoples.”

A Tribe Called Quest was in the process of recording its Years later, Univision tried to ask the same question, and (August 23, 1962 – May 16, 2016) first album in 18 years when Phife died this spring. By fall, “Juanga” had a shorter but equally disarming comeback: > I stopped short of writing “Emilio Navaira III.” Don’t need they’d released their final opus, and Phife’s voice, recorded it. Emilio is Emilio, and I know there is some dude out there Lo que se ve no se pregunta [“What you see you don’t ask before his passing, permeates the record. Even when he’s about.”] Better still: to understand Juanga, all you have to in the music world who shares the same name, but he gone, Phife’s on point. — Michael Barajas do is listen. — EL won’t ever get close to the significance this Emilio had in the genre he belonged to. Scratch that — genres.

(April 6, 1937 – April 6, 2016) In the Tejano world, Navaira became a solo star after (September 21, 1934 – November 7, 2016) > Merle Ronald Haggard earned the kind of titles you’d shining for years with David Lee Garza & Los Musicales, > Leonard Cohen was a living and breathing Zen koan, expect of a master troubadour with a checkered past — the then became second only to Selena in the ’90s, the heyday perhaps finally articulated in two of his last statements poet of the common man, the bard from behind bars. of Tejano. When he crossed over to country, he entered about his own mortality: “I am ready to die” and “I plan to Haggard, who spent some of his formative years in and the Nashville charts and left an indelible mark (1995’s Life live forever.” out of penal institutions (including San Quentin, where is Good is a gem), but eventually his thirst and rock ’n’ roll This duality in the face of death seems to symbolize the he watched Johnny Cash perform), sang a great deal about spirit (he loved the Beatles, ZZ Top, Nirvana, Eagles, etc.) devastating nuances of Cohen’s poetry and lyrics. The

PHIFE DOG

EMILIO NAVAIRA

MERLE HAGGARD

LEONARD COHEN

sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 17

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CURRENT • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • sacurrent.com

Canadian poet and ordained Buddhist monk never held any designs on being revered as a musical mind, though he certainly entered some truly great songs into the eternal ledger, but he saw the performance of popular song as an elegant and accessible way to impart the written word to groups of people.

With songs like “Hallelujah” (though his original version is largely eschewed), “Chelsea Hotel No. 2,” “Bird On The Wire,” “So Long, Marianne,” “Suzanne,” and several others over the years, Cohen presented a unique creative vision of the world, somehow both pessimistic and mystical at once, and teeming with wounding and exasperating images of truth, death and love.

Not as prolific as some of his contemporaries, at least in musical output, Cohen’s offerings, even his more recent efforts, always had the studied and self-sure air of projects that had been appropriately suffered for. — JC

LEON RUSSELL (April 2, 1942 – November 13, 2016) > Leon Russell was basically an ace blues tickler and an occasionally powerful songwriter, who fell head first into some good acid, couldn’t decide between the Brits and the cowboy-hippies, and could lay it on thick in just about any style you could dream up.

He was a hustler and a stubborn star’s star, a unicorn born into pastures of longhorns and wild mustangs. He could mingle, but he could never stray too far outside of his own glorious strangeness.

He played keyboard with artists as disparate and estimable as Elton John, Neil Young, The Rolling Stones, The Beach Boys, B.B. King, and Barbra Streisand, just to name a few.

But it would be a shame if, in recognizing Russell’s legacy as one of the most talented musicians of his time, we were to neglect the trove of strange beauty and sheer individuality that is his own musical output. Carney, Russell’s gritty and wild, pop-rock masterpiece from 1972, is once of the finest albums of the 1970s (to say the least), and an absolutely essential listen for anyone looking to dive into the man’s work.

Another personal favorite, with a loose and boozy country wink, is 1973’s Hank Wilson’s Back, Vol. 1. — JC

SHARON JONES (May 4, 1956 – November 18, 2016) > Unlike the untimely departures of Bowie and Prince, the passing of funk and soul powerhouse Sharon Jones came with a public warning via filmmaker Barbara Kopple’s documentary Miss Sharon Jones! Three years in the making, the film shed an intimate light on Jones as she fought pancreatic cancer with an inspiring level of determination and positivity.

Born in Georgia and raised in 1960s-era New York, Sharon Jones grew up idolizing James Brown, singing gospel in church and eventually gigging with wedding bands. Demonstrating a toughness and tenacity later reflected in her music, she supported herself by working as an armed guard for Wells Fargo and a corrections officer on Rikers Island. Eluded by success despite undeniable talent and star quality, Jones was once told by a record producer that she was “too fat, too black, too short and too old.”

In 1996, Jones’ big break arrived in the form of producer/bandleader Gabriel Roth, who “discovered” her singing backup for fellow James Brown disciple Lee Fields. She ultimately released her debut song “Damn It’s Hot” at the age of 40. Personifying the concept of a “second chapter,” Jones went on to spearhead New York’s retro soul revival as frontwoman for Roth’s horn-driven ensemble the DapKings. Adding an electrifying draw to the band’s success was Jones’ inimitable stage presence — a tour de force shouting and shimmying in sequins and fringe.

Inevitably, critics and fans likened Jones to a “female James Brown.”

Chronicled in Kopple’s film, Jones did made a triumphant, albeit brief, recovery (“I have cancer; cancer don’t have me,” she told Rolling Stone in 2016), defiantly performing with a close-cropped cut and earning a muchdeserved Grammy nomination for 2014’s Give the People What They Want, a sixth album she wasn’t sure she’d live to see released. Currently displayed on record store shelves, Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings’ final offering — 2015’s It’s a Holiday Soul Party — listens like a poignant farewell, with the late singer lamenting on Charles Brown’s 1960 classic “Please Come Home for Christmas” — “Oh, what a Christmas to have the blues.” — Bryan Rindfuss

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CURRENT • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • sacurrent.com

ILLUSTRATION BY ISABEL ANN CASTRO

FEATURE

SELF-CARE IN 2017

Because we need all the help we can get

WORDS BY JESSICA ELIZARRARAS + ALJEJANDRA LOPEZ

SMUDGE STICK:

For local curandera Erika Flores Casasola, the intent behind each smudge stick is different for everyone. Whether you’re building one to bring peace to your home, or specifically to cleanse and remove evil spirits (seriously, we’re taking all precautions in the new year), you want to make sure your personal intention is behind it. Curious on how to find your own curandera? Flores Casasola suggests using word-of-mouth and asking friends for tips.

BATH BOMB: Maybe it’s the act of going to Lush and letting the reps treat you to lotions and scrubs and whatnot (even when you know you’re going in for Sex Bomb or French Kiss or colorful Intergalactic), but having a soak can make most struggles go away.

MAKEUP: Born with it or not, makeup of any kind can act as war paint and the addition of the first ever CoverBoy (17-year-old James Charles) means a bit of that Selena Mac, a flick of mascara or elaborate contouring is for everyone.

MILAGROS: Though they can range from tiny hands to small hearts and eyes, Milagros aren’t restricted to these three charms. According to Flores Casasola, Milagros can be anything you can carry that makes you feel safe and protected.

OILS: When she’s performing massages on clients, Flores

Casasola uses some oils made by other healers designed to relieve pain or enhance relaxation with herbs that are grown and treated correctly (pulled or harvested at specific times) to garner specific results.

PALO SANTO: You know 2016 has been ridiculously shitty when even Hotel Emma’s Curio shop starts carrying palo santo to ward off la mala energia. Pick some up around town and light it to keep away bad vibes.

CANDLE: Whether you pray to la Virgen de Guadalupe or you pray to Beyoncé, velas are a must to get through the new year.

MAGIC BALL: No more surprises in 2017, OK? Get yourself a magic ball and make sure you’re prepared for what’s coming in the new year.

CRYSTALS: Call it pseudo science or a placebo effect, but we need all the healing powers and good energy we can get after 2016.

FLOWERS:

If you think buying fresh flowers should be reserved for special occasions, think again.

SLEEP MASKS: Maybe if we had all gotten enough sleep in 2016, we could have made better decisions and it would have turned out to be a great year. Add catching more z's to the top of your New Year’s resolutions list and get yourself a sleep mask ASAP.

sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 23

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BRYAN SNYDER

CALENDAR

and Tre Enoteca will host five-course prix-fixe dinners with optional wine pairings ($25.95). Try the pepper-crusted lamb loin rack with Yukon Gold mashed potatoes or the Cararecce pasta with house-made pork sausage, white beans and fennel.

4003 Broadway, (210) 805-0333; 555 W. Bitters Road, (210) 496-0555.

GOODBYE 2016!

Ocho New Year’s Eve Celebration Enjoy a classy celebratory meal at Hotel Havana with two complimentary cocktails, live music and a champagne toast at midnight. $50-$100, 8pm, Ocho at Hotel Havana, 1015 Navarro St., (210) 222-2008, reservations@havanasanantonio.com.

NYLE S G N I IST

FOOD

Dinner at Aldo’s The party starts early at Aldo’s Ristorante Italiano with a New Year’s Eve menu that integrates classics and new items alike. Indulge in escargot boun albergo with butter garlic sauce, or the pollo Gorgonzola and finish off the night with the award-winning cheesecake.

Prices vary, 5pm, Aldo’s Ristorante Italiano, 8539 Fredericksburg Road, (210) 696-2536, aldossa.com.

Bakery Lorraine Macs Strawberry and Champagne macarons are what’s in store for 2017. Pick up a Jamie Stolarskidesigned holiday box (6 for $12, 12 for

FOOD + PARTIES

$20) for your midnight toast. 7am-6pm, Bakery Lorraine, 306 Pearl Pkwy., Suite 110, (210) 862-5582; 7338 Louis Pasteur Drive, Suite 201, (210) 3030330, bakerylorraine.com.

NYE at Botika The Pearl’s Peruvian fusion spot will feature a duck crepe amuse bouche, lobster “popcorn” ceviche, wild mushroom quinotto, siyao and piloncillo slow-braised short rib and Botika’s take on classic alfajor cookie with dulce de leche ice cream, crispy coconut and shortbread crumble. $50, $75 with wine pairing, Botika, 303 Pearl Pkwy., (210) 670-7684, botikapearl.com.

Houlihan’s Dinner Surf and turf your way into 2017 at Houlihan’s. Choose between a 9-ounce top sirloin, 5-ounce petite top sirloin, classic Kansas City strip, filet mignon, or petite filet mignon and top it with a 6-ounce lobster tail. Wash it all down with an oak-aged Manhattan or two. Prices vary, multiple locations, houlihans.com.

Kick 2016 Out the Door Grayze will step up their game for a multi-course prix-fixe dinner, with pairings and extra courses available. $60, 5pm, 521 E. Grayson St., (210) 481-8776, grayzeongrayson.com.

Specials at Tre Jason Dady’s Tre Trattoria

FIRST TH THUR SDA SDAYS

New Year’s Eve at Éilan Hotel & Spa Celebrate with a five-course meal at Sustenio followed by dancing with Bellagio Band, a balloon drop and champagne toast at midnight. Who doesn’t love a balloon drop? $95-$125, 5:30pm, Éilan Hotel & Spa, 18603 La Cantera Terrace, (210) 598-2946.

Goodbye 2016 A full dinner buffet, music by the Experience, fireworks on the patio and a breakfast buffet after the midnight toast are sure to help you ring in the New Year. $50, 8pm Tony G’s Soul Food, 119 Helman St. (210) 451-1234, tonygssoulfood.com.

Max’s NYE Masquerade Check out Max’s for a special menu, music by the Martian Jazz Trio, a photobooth for goofy pictures with friends and balloon drop to start 2017 off right. Reservations recommended.

Prices vary, 6pm-1am, Max’s Wine Dive, 340 E. Basse Road, Suite 101, (210) 4449547, maxswinedive.com. ▲ Mariachi Bar NYE Bash Imbibe from Mariachi Bar’s 75th anniversary tequila barrel for your 2017 toast, plus enjoy dinner, flan, two house drinks, party favors and hourly raffles. $25-$80, 7pm-2am, Mariachi Bar, 218 Produce Row, (210) 225-1262, mitierracafe.com.

Italian NYE Enjoy passed hors d’oeuvres, chef-selected family-style dinner, dessert buffet, premium open bar, party favors, midnight toast and a DJ at Maggiano’s for your New Year’s Eve. $95, 8pm

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NYE Issue.pdf

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COURTESY OF SOUTHERLEIGH

CALENDAR

New Year’s Eve Bash

Midnight Champagne Toast

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Maggiano’s Little Italy, 17603 I-10 W., (210) 451-6000, maggianos.com.

Special NYE Day Tappings Flying Saucer is bringing out some rare specialty tappings you won’t find elsewhere to get the party started on New Year’s Eve day. Prices vary, 4-11pm, Flying Saucer, 11255 Huebner Road, Suite 212, (210) 696-5080.

NYE at Nao Start your night with a fourcourse dinner at the always-delicious Nao Latin Gastro Bar. Wine pairings are available for an extra $25. $70, 5:30-10pm, Nao Latin Gastro Bar, 312 Pearl Pkwy, (210) 554-6484, naorestaurant.com.

Celebrate San Antonio Billed as “the biggest free New Year’s Eve celebration and fireworks extravaganza in Texas,” the San Antonio Parks Foundation’s annual blowout in Hemisfair and La Villita combines carnival games and rides, festival food, live music on three stages. This year’s featured entertainers include Piñata Protest, Carlton Zeus and Frankie J. Free, 6pm-midnight, Hemisfair (434 S. Alamo St.) & La Villita (418 Villita St.), (210) 212-8423.

Live Music By DJ GABe & Chris Saucedo Band

K

PARTIES

▲ Southerleigh Brunch Celebrate the end of this horrid year with a bitchin’ brunch.

Prices vary, 10-3pm, Southerleigh Fine Food & Brewery, 136 E. Grayson St., (210) 455-5701, southerleigh.com.

Artisan on Alamo NYE Celebration There’s no cover to celebrate the new year at Artisan on Alamo, so expect a good time and cocktails all evening long.

4 p.m.-2 a.m., Artisan on Alamo Distillery, 315 8th St.

NYE at Sukeban Roll into 2017 like a boss with Sukeban’s all-you-can-eat sushi party including cocktails and Champagne. $35, 10pm, Sukeban, 1420 S. Alamo St., Suite 101, (210) 562-3231. ww

Puerto Rican NYE Ring in the New Year with dinner and dancing to music by Orquesta Tropicante, plus a midnight surprise at this island bash hosted by the Association of Puerto Ricans in San

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CURRENT • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • sacurrent.com

WORK HARD

PLAY HARD Email CAREERS@SACURRENT.COM with your resume, your LinkedIn link and your thoughts.

JAIME MONZON

CALENDAR

CULTURE

tickets

L O C A L C U LT U R E T I C K E T S . C O M

Antonio. $30-$60, 8pm-1am, Hilton San Antonio, 611 NW Loop 410, (210) 340-6060, facebook.com/aprisa.2009.

New Year’s Eve Party at Pat O’s Enjoy the always-a-good time Pat O’s for live music, dueling pianos and dance floors with VIP package available. 9pm-2am, Pat O’Briens, 121 Alamo Plaza, (210) 220-1076.

NYE at Nectar Avoid the crowds and celebrate in style with free Champagne, party favors, a DJ and a live broadcast of the downtown fireworks at midnight.

Reservations required. $10 cover after 9pm, 8pm-1am, Nectar Wine Bar & Ale House, 214 Broadway, (210) 3754082, nectarsa.com. ’80s-Theme NYE at Zombies Bar Celebrate the passage of time by going back to the 80’s with Zombie Bar’s decade-themed dance night. No cover, 9pm, Zombies Bar, 4202 Thousand Oaks Drive, (210) 281-8306.

Black & White NYE Bring your friends to Kremlin for happy hour 9-11pm, party favors and two balloon drops with tons of prizes. $25-$30, 9pm, Kremlin-Havana Ultra Lounge, 212 College St. (210) 220-1972. ▲ New Wave NYE Spend New Year’s at this staple of the St. Mary’s Strip, dancing to new wave classics and ’80s music. 9pm, Brass Monkey, 2702 N. St. Mary’s St. NYE Masquerade Ball Meet a mysterious stranger at this LGBTfriendly masquerade ball to kick 2017 off right. 9pm-3am, HEAT Nightclub, 1500 N. Main Ave., (210) 227-2600 Topgolf New Year’s Eve Practice your swing and work up some friendly competition with friends and family at reserved bays. Book one on the second floor for access to a VIP room and chef’s choice buffet. $225-$450, 9pm-1am, Topgolf, 5539 North Loop 1604, (210) 202-2694, topgolf.com.

NYE at Industry Imbibe free Champagne with reservation plus gratis party favors

while supplies last, so get there early and get ready to ring in 2017. 9pm-2am, Industry, 8021 Pinebrook Drive, (210) 374-2765, facebook.com/industry210.

TICKETS TO THE BEST LOCAL EVENTS AT LOCALCULTURETICKETS.COM

Grand Opening Check out the new Edwards Ridge Rum Distillery with tours of the grounds, craft cocktails, raffles, yard games, tastings and (naturally) a midnight countdown with good company.

3pm-1am, Edwards Ridge Distillery, 16104 University Oak, (210) 802-7864, NYE Cabaret Sparky’s Pub promises a celebratory night of cabaret entertainment, cocktails, party favors and Champagne toast for you and yours to revel in merriment. 9pm-2am, Sparky’s Pub, 1416 N. Main Ave., (210) 320-5111 NYE at Jack Rabbit Rock out to those 90s-2000s jams we all know by heart, plus party favors and free Champagne bottle service with reservation. No cover, 9pm-2am, Jack Rabbit, 6322 San Pedro Ave. (210) 202-8989, facebook.com/jackrabbit210.

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Leather and Lace Ball Don your best leather and lace for a sexy beginning to 2017, complete with Champagne toast and late-night pizza. 9pm-2am, Knockout, 1420 N. Main Ave., (210) 227-7678, knockoutsa.com.

NYE Brews Brews Brothers will be celebrating the New Year with drink specials, their usual extensive beer selection and DJ Mikey J. 8pm-2am, Brews Brothers Ice House, 7403 Leslie Road, (210) 577-5561, facebook.com/ brewsbrotherssa.

NYE Bonfire Celebrate the new year outdoors at this campfire with friends and family, featuring s’mores, borracho beans and drink specials at your favorite hangout, Burleson Yard. 8pm, Burleson Yard Beer Garden, 430 Austin St., (210) 354-3001, facebook.com/burlesonyard.

NYE at Wax Club The New Wave Society presents their New Year’s Eve party with DJ Kreepshow CJ, industrial, retro, ’80s and goth music

FLAVOR

MARCH 23, 2017 • 6-9 PM

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Half Off Pizza Mondays: Any Large Deep Dish or Tavern-cut Pizza WINE DOWN TUESDAYS: HALF OFF BY THE GLASS OR BOTTLE CRAFT BEER WEDNESDAY: $4 ANY BJ’S HANDCRAFTED BEER BABY BACK THURSDAYS: 1/2 RACK $15.95 | FULL RACK $18.95 WITH TWO SIDES, A HOUSE SALAD & MINI PIZOOKIE MON - THUR 11-12AM | FRI - SAT 11AM - 1AM | SUN 11AM - 12AM

Celebrate !

NEW YEARS WITH US Reserve Your Space Today email: thepigpensa@gmail.com plus drink specials all night. 8pm-3am, Wax Club Lounge, 2211 San Pedro Ave., (210) 379-4788, facebook.com/ waxclublounge.

NYE at The Amp Room Two Tons of Steel will provide their rockabilly, country and swing music for you to dance your way into the New Year, loosened up with specialty cocktails and complimentary midnight Champagne. $8-$10, 9pm, The Amp Room, 407 N. St. Mary’s St.

at 10 pm, Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville, 849 E. Commerce St., (210) 973-5911, margaritavillesanantonio.com.

NYE at Hawx The DK kicks things off at 10 p.m., and groups of four receive a complimentary bottle of bubbles.

No cover, Hawx Burger Bar & Electro Lounge, 2603 Vance Jackson Road, (210) 320-4299, hawxburgerbar.com.

New Year’s Eve Ball The ladies at Coyote Ugly with full dinner menu, party favors and a bottle of Champagne. Packages start at $125, Coyote Ugly Saloon, 409 E. Commerce St., (210) 465-8459, coyoteuglysaloon.com.

▲ Paramour’s NYE Party Ring in the New Year at Paramour with unbeatable views of San Antonio’s downtown firework display and a midnight toast of Paramour’s customNYE Bash Leapin Lizard Pub hosts this barreled tequila. Univision will host the rage with DJ Tee Rock bringing the heat, event and broadcast live network look-ins videos with all your favorite hits and at Paramour, counting down until midnight. champers toast. No cover, 8pm, 302 E. $300-$5,000, Paramour, 102 9th St., Suite Commerce St., (210) 271-9494.

400, (210) 340-9880, paramourbar.com.

NYE at Picks Whether you’re stopping Cowboys Dancehall NYE Jon Pardi will by for the balloon drop, DJ Dillon, the set the mood for 2017 at Cowboys, smooth sounds of Finding Friday, you’ll which will celebrate with a Champagne find a bit of everything at Picks Bar. $20 toast and whimsical balloon drop when in advance, $30 at the door, 8pm, Picks the clock strikes 12. Tickets start Bar, 4553 N. Loop 1604 W., (210) 253at $16, 7pm, Cowboys Dancehall, 9220, picksbar.com.

3030 NE Loop 410, (210) 646-9378, cowboysdancehall.com/san-antonio.

NYE at Howl at The Moon Take your NYE at Margaritaville Let’s hope for a chill 2017 filled with tasty margaritas.

Derrick Lewis and Bama Breeze Sounds will keep things festive while the staff hands out party favors and bubbles at midnight. $10 per person

106 PERSHING AVE (BEHIND THE SMOKE SHACK) 210.267.9136

NOW BOOKING HOLIDAY CATERING! 210-342-2800 • TIAGOSCABOGRILLE.COM

pals downtown and show them all the fun you can have on the River Walk.

Packages start at $30 per person, 6pm, Howl at the Moon, 111 W. Crockett St., Suite 201, (210) 212-4770, howlatthemoon.com/san-antonio. sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 31

COURTESY OF HARLEM GLOBETROOTERS

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CALENDAR OUR TOP PICKS FOR THE WEEK THU

COURTESY OF VALERO ALAMO BOWL

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Valero Alamo Bowl

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◀ Earlier this month, Harlem Globetrotter Anthony “Buckets” Blakes celebrated “World Trick Shot Day” by draining an unbelievable shot from the roof of the Tower of the Americas. Blakes’ long-range bucket, from 583 feet and 8 inches away, is now the highest trick shot recorded on the continent. Blakes and the Globetrotters return to the AT&T Center, where they have already set nine Guinness World Records, as part of their 2017 World Tour. Ant Atkinson, Hi-Lite Bruton, Bull Bullard, Cheese Chisholm, Thunder Law and Big Easy Lofton round out a stacked roster of basketball magicians. Hoops enthusiasts of all ages can expect the Globetrotters' entertaining brand of basketball wizardry, combining electrifying dunks with dizzying ball handling, set to the sounds of Teddy Riley’s remixed “Sweet Georgia Brown.” $14-$102, 2pm & 7pm, AT&T Center, One AT&T Center Pkwy., (210) 444-5000, attcenter.com. — MS

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Brad Williams

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making those sitting near Williams (an achondroplastic COMEDY dwarf) squirm. Embracing the awkwardness, Mencia invited Williams to the stage, where Here’s something you don’t his quick wit inspired Mencia read every day: A story about to not only encourage Williams oft-alleged joke thief Carlos to become a comic, but to Mencia helping a young invite him to tour as his opening comic. Brad Williams, 19 at act. Memorable appearances the time, was in the audience on Mind of Mencia, Jimmy at a Mencia show when the Kimmel Live and Williams’ own consistently controversial stand-up started cracking jokes comedy specials Fun Size and Daddy Issues followed, and about dwarves, reportedly

Williams’ stories from the road inspired About Last Night, the podcast he currently co-hosts.

Most surprisingly, during the years Williams toured as his opener, Mencia never even added a chunk about being an achondroplastic dwarf to his own act. $18.50, 8pm Thu, 8pm & 10:15pm Fri-Sat, 7pm Sun, Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club, 618 NW Loop 410, (210) 541-8805, lolsanantonio.com.

— Jeremy Martin

◀ After a five-year absence, the #12 Oklahoma State Cowboys are back in the Alamo Bowl to face the #10 Colorado Buffaloes in a matchup of former Big 12 opponents. Colorado leads the all-time series at 26-19-1, and should be highly motivated after a perceived Rose Bowl snub. The Cowboys roster is stacked with Texans, including three players originally from San Antonio. Brackenridge High School standout Ramon Richards exudes confidence at the cornerback position for Oklahoma State and has emerged as one of the most engaging personalities in college football. With the winner expected to close out the season with a top 10 ranking, a competitive contest is in the cards for San Antonio’s annual holiday football classic. $35-$300, 8pm, Alamodome, 100 Montana St., (210) 226-2695, alamobowl.com. — M. Solis

COMEDY

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◀ Jason Boland and the Stragglers are a good-time band par excellence. Raised up in the red dirt country traditions of Oklahoma MUSIC and Texas, Boland has found success writing in a FRI straightforward and relatable way about dejection and redemption, hard luck and glory, love and loss. His songs, carried by the windand world-worn wisdom of his voice, situate themselves in the sweet spot between traditional Texas drinking music and wherever Boland’s restless creativity leads him next. He holds his own and, for our money, even shines above some of his contemporaries like Cross Canadian Ragweed, Stoney LaRue and Wade Bowen. Maybe it’s because, along with his dedication to earthy yet popinfused country, Boland sees himself as operating in the great folk tradition of Woody Guthrie. You’ll likely find no better place to see Boland and his Stragglers than the friendly and beery confines of Floore’s. $15-$20, 9pm, Floore’s Country Store, 14492 Old Bandera Road, Helotes, (210) 695-8827, liveatfloores.com. — James Courtney

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◀ Gary Owen’s impressive list of credits includes being designated “Funniest Serviceman in America,” hosting BET’s Comic View and acting in Ride Along, Little Man, Think Like a Man and Tyler Perry’s House of Pain. His most impressive credit, in terms of WTF-value alone, however, is being named “Funniest Black Comedian in San Diego,” while being technically classified as what ethnographers might term “white as hell” — a blue-eyed blond who grew up in an Ohio trailer park. (The contest was conducted via radio call-in show if you were curious.) Ebony magazine’s postulation “Black America’s Favorite White Comedian” is considerably more accurate, and though his black wife often comes up in his act, Owen’s bits about black culture are always delivered from the perspective of a knowledgeable outsider, a subtle reminder of how very far we are from post-racial society but an even better reminder of how laughter can momentarily make that shit not matter quite so much. $29.75-$65, Tobin Center for the Performing Arts, 100 Auditorium Circle, (210) 223-8624, tobincenter.org. — JM

Gary Owen

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Jason Boland and the Stragglers

Spurs vs. Blazers ▲ During a recent road game, Portland Trail Blazers point guard and aspiring emcee Damian Lillard was greeted by taunts of “SoundCloud rapper” from unforgiving NBA fans in Milwaukee.

While Dame Dolla’s skills on the mic are up for debate, his ability on the hardwood is undeniable. Lillard is posting a careerhigh 27 points per game this season, and will be a handful for the Spurs defensive duo of Danny Green and Kawhi Leonard.

Former Blazer LaMarcus Aldridge is currently averaging the lowest points per contest since his rookie season, so a breakout game against his old squad is overdue. With Tim Duncan officially in the rearview mirror, San Antonio is counting on Aldridge to further embrace his role as a scorer and the team’s de facto dominant big man. $45-$1,600, 7:30pm, AT&T Center, One AT&T Center Pkwy., (210) 444-5000, attcenter.com. — MS

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JANUARY 1st OPEN AT 11AM 1503 N Main Ave.

/LuthersCafe

LuthersCafe.com

www.TheStripSA.com corner of Main and Evergreen, just North of Downtown

Luther’s Café open till 3am New Year’s Eve!

Celebrate New Year’s Eve on the Strip!

Thank you San Antonio for your support of our Annual Toy Drive for SAPD Operation Blue Santa You helped us collect more toys than ever before!

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COUTESY OF YARA SOFIA

CALENDAR NIGHTLIFE

New Year’s Eve Kiki

◀ With their 2012 club favorite “Let’s Have a Kiki” and its accompanying instructional video (allegedly filmed at the Kiki Institute of Mental Instability), the playful pop band Scissor Sisters explained, “A kiki is a party, for calming all your nerves / We’re spilling tea, and dishing just desserts one may deserve / And though the sun is rising, few may choose to leave / So shade that lid and we’ll all bid adieu to your ennui.” Channeling such an intimate yet fabulous extravaganza, Pride Center San Antonio’s New Year’s Eve Kiki is set to ring in 2017 with live entertainment from Puerto Rican drag star Yara Sofia. Born Gabriel Burgos Ortiz, Sofia took to the small screen on the third season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, charming fans with her thick accent and broken English, eventually earning the

title of Miss Congeniality and returning to the spotlight on the first season of RuPaul’s Drag Race: All Stars. Besides the catch phrase “Echa pa’lante,” the leggy brunette is known for her avant-garde fashion choices, exotic contact lenses and otherworldly makeup concepts. Hosted on the 22nd floor of the Hilton Palacio Del Rio, the second annual benefit treats guests to panoramic views of the Hemisfair fireworks, danceable DJ beats, “glittery party favors,” hors d’oeuvres and a champagne toast at midnight. As the song commands: “Fire up the smoke machine and put on your heels.” $100 (includes two drink tickets), 8pm-1am, Hilton Palacio Del Rio, 200 S. Alamo St., 22nd floor, (210) 370-7743, pridecentersa.org/newyearskiki.

— Bryan Rindfuss

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Townes Van Zandt Tribute SUN

COURTESY OF PUROSLAM

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Townes Van Zandt, Texas country laureate and sad Hank song personified, died on New Year’s Day 1997, from complications associated with never skipping out on a chance to adore oblivion. His deep, poetic and often unbearably dark lyrics, like the somber songs he fashioned to deliver them, have, over the years, become gospel among his diverse fan base. As they have for the last five years, on that grim anniversary, local husband-and-wife duo The Whipples will once again gather local musicians of all stripes for a Townes tribute show on Sunday. Hosted for the first time at Alamo Beer, this year’s tribute will feature, along with The Whipples, Geronimo Trevino III, Will Owen Gage, Jordan Minor, Los Djangoleros and 20 other acts. While Van Zandt himself may have preferred a whiskey distillery, a brewery seems a fitting place to remember the singularly gifted and troubled songwriter. Free, 6-9pm, Alamo Beer Company, 202 Lamar St., (210) 872-5589, alamobeer.com. — JC

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Arielle Cottingham

◀ Maybe slam poetry isn’t your thing. Maybe, it wouldn’t matter to you if we told you that San Antonio’s weekly PuroSlam, now held Tuesdays at The Korova, has helped mold a bevy of powerful talents, a select task force of warriors who fight for right with their voices raised high. But, what if we told you that you have a chance to see a slam poet who, schooled in the local scene, has recently conquered a whole continent?

Such is just your luck, in the form of a special performance by Australia

Grand Slam Champion Arielle Cottingham, who, like a good Texan, upon recently moving to the land down under, promptly proceeded to conquer its slam circuits. Her style is, in turns, delicate and gigantic, emotive and furious, heady and immediately physical. In short, she’s nothing like what you think slam poets sound like. Don’t miss this chance to see Cottingham, who is only back to visit, do her thing live. $1, 9:30pm-12:30am, The Korova, 107 E. Martin St., (210) 995-7229, thekorova.com. — JC

SPECIAL EVENT

The Bug Dinner ▲ For the most part, if you’re like us, you’re probably pretty content to leave bug eating to people who have grown up knowing how to do it and/or to the occasional, adventurous Travel Channel host. However, if you’re feeling like trying something different in the new year, the Witte Museum, as a part of its “Salud! Culinary Nights” series, is here to offer you a relatively painless way to relish in the rare delight of insects-turnedeats. Billed as “The Bug Dinner: Part Deux,” the event will offer bugged-out preparations (four-course style) from executive chef Stephen Paprocki, chef Jeff White of Boiler House, chef Chris Cook and Eilan Hotel & Spa pastry chef Ernest Lopez. Crawling with culinary adventure, it’s a veritable swarm of unexpected delectability just waiting to be braved. $45-$50, 6:30-8:30pm, Witte Museum, 3801 Broadway, (210) 357-1900, wittemuseum.org. — JC

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AN EVENING OF SPECIAL PERFORMANCES AT

HILTON PALACIO DEL RIO

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DELICIOUS BITES

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ART Art in the Garden Blue Star Contemporary

and the San Antonio Botanical Garden’s collaborative Art in the Garden series continues with Brooklyn-based artist Alyson Shotz’s project Scattering Screen, a large-scale steel sculpture designed to “interact with viewers and its natural surroundings.” Like tiny funhouse mirrors, the reflective and colored circles that make up the sculpture call us to fresh perspectives and novel ways of seeing and being in the garden. $8-$10, 9am-5pm Wednesday-Saturday, 9am-5pm MondayTuesday; San Antonio Botanical Garden, 555 Funston Pl., (210) 536-1400.

”Carlos Mérida: Selections from the Permanent Collection” Occasionally,

a museum dusts off some pieces from its permanent collection and brings them out of the archives. Such is the case with SAMA’s vibrant Carlos Mérida exhibit, which runs through January. In the collection of nearly 30 works, folks can get to know the Guatemalan-born Mérida, who, despite his pioneering works — which first explored the symbolrich history of Mayan culture and later embraced surrealism and geometric abstractionism — remains a lesser-known master than his contemporary Diego Rivera. $5-$10, 10am-5pm WednesdayThursday, 10am-9pm Friday, 10am-5pm Saturday, 10am-9pm Tuesday; San Antonio Museum of Art, 200 W. Jones Ave., (210) 978-8100.

International Artist-in-Residence Exhibition MASS MoCA curator Denise

Markonish’s chapter of Artpace’s esteemed IAIR program unites artists Lily Cox-Richard (Houston), Kim Faler (Williamstown, Massachusetts) and Kim Morgan (Halifax, Canada). A sculptor who’s created installations with cast resin mushrooms, lightning rods and scrap copper, Cox-Richard is perhaps best known for “The Stand (Possessing Powers),” a project comprised of carved plaster forms inspired by the bases and structural supports of neoclassical statues. Working between sculpture, installation, drawing and photography, Faler creates “facsimiles” of everyday moments, employing plastic, porcelain, clothing, drywall and other materials to explore “the personal through the lens of the familiar.” An installation artist and sculptor who’s worked extensively in public art, Morgan is reportedly “totally obsessed with blood.” Having previously used electron microscopes to scan her own blood to create “self portraits” and intricate arrangements of test tubes, Morgan has continued in this vein during her Artpace residency by

building a “breathing, billowing, sighing, monumental collection of blood samples.”

Free, noon-5pm Wednesday-Saturday; Artpace, 445 N. Main Ave., (210) 212-4900.

”Telling Tales: Contemporary Narrative Photography” Organized by

the McNay’s own René Paul Barilleaux, the large-scale photography survey “Telling Tales” comprises 50-plus images by 17 revered photographers, including such contemporary masters as Nan Goldin, Gregory Crewdson, Philip-Lorca diCorcia and Jeff Wall. Encompassing purism and digital manipulation alike, the assembled photographs construct suspended stories that address everything from class differences and marginalized communities to social justice and the onset of the AIDS epidemic. $15-$20, 10am-4pm Wednesday, 10am-9pm Thursday, 10am-4pm Friday-Saturday, 10am-4pm Tuesday; McNay Art Museum, 6000 N. New Braunfels Ave., (210) 824-5368.

FILM Chef CineSnob’s Cinema on Tap series moves

indoors for the winter, taking over new rum distillery Edwards Ridge and rebranding as Cinema on the Rocks. To inaugurate its new digs, the online outlet screens Jon Favreau’s quirky 2014 dramedy following a head chef who quits his restaurant job and buys a food truck in hopes of reclaiming his creative promise. In addition to rum cocktails, food truck fare will be available for purchase onsite. Free, 7:30pm Wednesday; Edwards Ridge Distillery, 16104 University Oak, (210) 802-7864.

Little Women In conjunction with its

Afternoon Tea series, Alamo Drafthouse screens director Gillian Armstrong’s 1994 adaptation of Louisa May Alcott’s 19th-century classic Little Women (starring Claire Danes, Kirsten Dunst and Winona Ryder as the iconic March sisters) complete with tea service, pigs in blankets, pimento cheese on English cucumber, and lime lavender cake. $19.49, 1pm Saturday; Alamo Drafthouse Stone Oak, 22806 Hwy. 281 N., (210) 677-8500.

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+ A Raffle Ticket, Spurs Ticket Give Away!

11851 BANDERA RD #119, HELOTES, TX 78023 | (210) 637-9094 | STOUTHOUSESA.COM

ALL DAY, EVERY DAY HAPPY HOUR NO COVER FOR MILITARY EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT $1.50 WELLS FROM 9-11PM

LONG ISLANDS, $3 WELLS, & MARGARITAS $2.25 DOMESTIC DRAFT $3.25 IMPORT DRAFT FOOD $5 SPECIALS

THEATER ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas In Ken

Ludwig’s holiday children’s play, Amos the mouse stirs up plenty of excitement as he and his friend attempt to save Christmas from an evil ex-elf who wants to sell the naughty and nice lists to a department store. $12-$15, 11:30am Wednesday-Friday; Magik Theatre, 420 S. Alamo St., (210) 227-2751.

The Paisley Sisters’ Christmas Special A quirky alternative to traditional holiday

COME VISIT US AT ONE OF OUR TWO LOCATIONS! 8827 HWY 151 #106 (210)257-9726 / 6422 BABCOCK RD (210)690-1156 •SHENANYGANS.COM sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 37

EAR WITH Y W E N E H T IN G IN R B FLAVORS Y T R A P E IT R O V A F R YOU frozen daiquiris o margaritas to-g , craft on draft beer & wine jello shots 18866 Stone Oak Pkwy #105 | 210.595.3932

SHARED PLATES

1338 E Houston St | SATX | 78205 38

CURRENT • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • sacurrent.com

CALENDAR

fare, this 1960s-themed musical comedy Chanukah Celebration and Menorah follows sisters Connie, Bonnie, Lonnie Lighting In partnership with Young & and Abigail as they stage “a brand-new Jewish San Antonio, the Pearl celebrates color-television holiday extravaganza” and Chanukah with a menorah lighting (to be attempt to unravel a mystery concerning lit each successive evening of Chanukah), their corporate sponsor, Plasticon. $30, traditional kosher fare from Green 8pm Friday, 7:30pm Saturday, 3:30pm Vegetarian Cuisine and live music from Sunday; Roxie Theater, 7460 Callaghan local indie folk-rockers Tera Ferna. Free, Road, (210) 360-9180.

6-9:30pm Thursday; Pearl Brewery, 200 E. Grayson St., (210) 212-7260.

COMEDY

Kristin Linder Known for her dry wit,

Texas native Kristin Linder is a clever comic who’s never conformed to traditional values. Her love of comedy and flair for theater blends skillfully with her offbeat approach to family as she guides audiences through the absurdities of everyday life. $16, 8pm Wednesday; Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club, 618 NW Loop 410, (210) 541-8805.

Ralph Harris Influenced by the likes of

Richard Pryor, Redd Foxx and Jonathan Winters, Los Angeles-based Philadelphia native Ralph Harris has performed on the late-night circuit, made appearances on Seinfeld, Parenthood, Living Single and In Living Color, and hosted the culinary competition show My Momma Throws Down. $20-$30, 8:30pm WednesdayThursday, 8pm & 10:15pm FridaySaturday, 8pm Sunday; Improv San Antonio Rivercenter, 849 E. Commerce St., (210) 229-1420.

SPECIAL EVENTS Burning Bowl Service Unity Church invites

members of the community to “release anything from the past year” that no longer serves them in a Burning Bowl ritual. After a time of meditation, participants are given an opportunity to write down what they desire to release and then place the paper into a fire — a symbolic act designed to create space for positive intentions in the coming year. Free, 6-7pm Saturday; Unity Church of San Antonio, 1723 Lawndale Drive, (210) 824-7351.

Christmas Light Fest Don Strange Ranch pulls out all the stops with a festive drive-through display promising “more than two million lights,” hayrides and a Santa’s Village stocked with sweet and savory holiday treats. $27 per vehicle, 6-9pm Wednesday-Saturday; Don Strange Ranch, 103 Waring Welfare Road, (210) 434-2340.

College Football Fan Fiesta Aiming to

keep college football fans amped up after Thursday's Valero Alamo Bowl, Market Square hosts a weekend fiesta featuring live music, food booths and an array of arts and crafts vendors. Free, noon-8pm Friday-Saturday; Market Square, 514 W. Commerce St., (210) 207-8600.

Holiday Magic Festival of Lights Billed

as an “East-meets-West event,” Retama Park’s holiday extravaganza promises towering illuminated displays, “millions of Christmas lights,” Chinese lanterns, a 36-foot-tall Christmas tree, snow, live reindeer, cultural performances, international street food, carnival rides and photo ops with Santa. $21-$26, 5:3011pm daily; Retama Park, One Retama Pkwy., (210) 492-1437.

Kids Countdown The DoSeum rings in

2017 early with a kid-centric celebration combining DJ music, dancing, New Year’s-inspired crafting activities, free sparkling cider, a ball drop and goodie bags (while supplies last). $12, 9am-noon Saturday; The DoSeum, 2800 Broadway, (210) 212-4453.

Mosaic Art Project Hill Country Science Mill invites creative types of all ages to design an original work of art to contribute to a monumental holiday mosaic. $8-$10 (includes supplies), 10am-5pm Wednesday-Friday; Hill Country Science Mill, 101 S. Ladybird Lane, Johnson City, (844) 263-6405.

SPORTS San Antonio Spurs vs. Phoenix Suns $33$1,600, 7:30pm Wednesday; AT&T Center, One AT&T Center Pkwy., (210) 444-5000.

San Antonio Spurs vs. Toronto Raptors

$16-$1,600, 7:30pm Tuesday; AT&T Center, One AT&T Center Pkwy., (210) 444-5000. sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 39

THURS • DEC 29 2PM & 7PM

Save $5 on tickets with code: HOOPS *Restrictions and fees may apply

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CALENDAR NIGHTLIFE

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If you listened to Mudvayne, Nothingface, and Pantera in high school, then you’re about to lose your fucking shit at this show, bud. With the idea to form a supergroup during the Tattoo the Earth Tour in 2000, Mudvayne vocalist Chad Gray, former Nothingface guitarist Tom Maxwell, bass player Kyle Sanders, guitarist Christian Brady and former Pantera and

COURTESY OF HELLYEAH

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HELLYEAH

Blues and rock ‘n’ roll don’t necessarily need help in the sex appeal department.

However, that doesn’t mean Eric Tessmer can’t thrust us into a sensually aural experience with his distorted blues riffing and charming baritone voice. Named after guitar legends Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix, Eric James Tessmer moved to Austin from Wisconsin THU

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With the desire to just play some good ‘ol fashion country tunes and grant permission to two-step unashamed, The Texases, a classic country cover band from San Antonio, want you to throw on those boots and come kick it with a Lonestar, ‘hon. The brainchild of Travis Texas (D.T. Buffkin of D.T. Buffkin), Jerid Texas (Jerid Mooris of El Campo) and members of their own individual bands, the Texases sing your favorite country songs from artists like George Strait, Merle Haggard, Alan Jackson and Garth Brooks, just to name a few. Since Dwight Yoakam is actually playing down the road the same night, the band plans to finish out their set with all Yoakam covers. Fingers crossed Dwight makes an appearance. 9pm, Free, Paper Tiger, 2410 N. St. Mary’s St — Chris Conde WED

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at 19 where he began to gig at local venues before the tech boom of the late aughts. Armed with a bass guitar player and drummer to form a powerful three piece, the Eric Tessmer Band carries the live blues rock legacy of old Austin with their own brand of soulful psychedelic rock ‘n’ roll blues. 7:30pm, $10$45, Sam’s Burger Joint, 330 E. Grayson St. — CC

Damageplan drummer Vinnie Paul birthed their nu-metal devil-baby with the release of their self-titled first album in 2007. Almost ten years later, after going through a few lineup changes (and most likely a shit ton of whiskey), Hellyeah returned this year with the release of Unden!able, which features some archived guitar work from Dimebag Darrell. 8pm, $25, Aztec Theater, 104 N. St. Mary’s St. — CC

DWIGHT YOAKAM “Well I’m back again for another night of trying to break free from this sadness that I can’t lay to rest,” Dwight Yoakam croons. “This old honky-tonk sure does feel like home and the music with the laughter seem to soothe my loneliness.” During an era of Nashville focusing on pop-country (are they ever not, though?), Yoakam’s raw lyricism and honkytonk style weren’t exactly received with open arms from, which is what made him move out to California where he started gaining traction playing his unique sound of country music in rock and punk rock clubs in the late 1970s.

With several Grammys, a few top Billboard hits, and countless other awards, Dwight Yoakam is revered as one of the most innovative songwriters of all time, proving once again that marching to the beat of your own drum (or slide guitar) pays off in the end. 7:30pm, $39.75-$199.75, Tobin Center, 100 Auditorium Circle — CC WED

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CALENDAR NIGHTLIFE

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DOLPHIN DILEMMA COURTESY OF BLUE OCTOBER

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DARKNESS DIVIDED Yes, Christian Metal is still totally a thing. With bands like Zao, Living Sacrifice and Norma Jean paving the way for the genre in the late 90s, aggressive music with faith-based lyrics has somehow nestled quite comfortably next its not-so-Christian counterparts in the metal scene. And with two albums released on the revered hardcore label Victory Records, the San Antonio quartet Darkness Divided really aren’t doing too shabby. With a bazillion kids already in the metalcore game, Darkness Divided set themselves apart from the basic bitches (hair flip emoji) with their technical instrumentation, clever dynamic and time-twisting transitions on their latest, Charcoal Tongue. 1pm, $8$10, The Korova, 107 E. Martin St. — CC FRI

COURTESY OFGREENHORSE MUSIC

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PAT GREEN

BLUE OCTOBER Originally formed in Houston in 1995, Blue October grabbed the attention of Kid Rock’s former manager early in their career and eventually signed to Universal Records, launching the band into the deep pools of mainstream rock. While the South Texas boys have a heavy mainstream radio rock sound, traces remain of Americana and even post-rock – that is, along with the kind of heavy production that just goes with the territory of being a huge rock ‘n’ roll band. With numerous releases, countless tours, and a few member changes, Blue October continues to drive forward on the roads of mainstream radio success. 9pm, $49.50, $65, $75, Aztec Theater, 104 N. St. Mary’s St. — CC SAT

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While he may have earned his cred in the beer halls and honky tonks of Texas, country singer-songwriter Pat Green, having ascended to mainstream country stardom and toured with the likes of Kenny Chesney (for cryin’ out loud), isn’t one you’re likely to catch in your local shit-kickin’ dive anytime soon.

Unless, of course, you live near Greune Hall, the state’s oldest dancehall and most prestigious place to get Lone Star spilled on your boots. If you’re lucky enough to snag tickets for this special, intimate holiday performance, you’ll witness a successful artist back in his element, an arena-polished sound packed into what basically amounts to a hallowed (and fairly large) wooden shack.

And, if you know Green’s brand of red dirt/river party country, you know that’s exactly how it sounds best. $35.00, 7:00pm, Gruene Hall, 1281 Gruene, New Braunfels, (830) 606-1281, gruenehall. com. — James Courtney FRI

SCREENSHOT VIMEO VIA RADIO HOUSE

“I like to play music and dance. I care about dolphins. They are real real smart…” With a Facebook bio that will make you “lol” and a seriously dope live show that will bounce you into an evanescent mist of vapor waves and vintage electro drum beats, Dolphin Dilemma aims to convince us to not take life so seriously and to get lost in the magic that is funky electronic music. Equipped with a mini Korg synth and an RC-300 loop station, Zachariah Applebaum, who makes up one third of the heavy-hitting local psychedelic prog-rock band Verisimilitude, pulls us through a soundtrack of 1970s future soundscapes for a party he’s calling “Jungle Boogie,” which will feature three other artists, a cash prize dance contest and discount at the door if you come dressed as your favorite jungle beast. 9pm, $8, Ventura, 1011 Ave. B — CC FRI

sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 43

10141 Wurzbach • (210) 877-2100 • wurzbachicehouse.com • Corner of Ironside and Wurzbach

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COURTESY OF OZONA RECORDS

TELEVANGELIST Too emotive, listenable, and broadly-appealing to be math-rock sticklers, and too precise and geeky about their angular sonics to be indie rock darlings, the four dudes in Televangelist seem content to straddle the line. The band’s melodic, progressive rock sound has expanded with each of its three releases, culminating with last year’s excellent LP Wild, Jealous, Youth. This Saturday, before heading out on the road to win glory and spoils unending, Televangelist will celebrate the kick off of a 17-date western tour. It’s a frequent refrain around these parts that bands need to get out on the open road to truly test their mettle—here’s your chance to wish Televangelist well, as they head off to do just that.

For a primer on the band’s propulsive music, head on over to televangelist.bandcamp.com. $5.00, 7:00pm, Ventura, 1011 Avenue B, (210) 802-6940. — JC SAT

OSCAR MORENO

31

To describe SA thirteenpiece Volcán simply as a talented nueva orqestra Latina hardly prepares you for the band’s explosive, transfixing sound. This deconstructed cumbia/ Latin pop group, hot from the get go, dropped its first EP, Ritmo, Cultura, y Amor, back in October, and it’s one of our favorite releases of the year. But, to truly know Volcan, and bear witness to the group’s power to move the body and the mind, SAT

31

NEW YEAR’S EVE WITH VOLCAN

you must seek the live experience. And, from where we’re sitting, there’s likely no better time to catch Volcán than on New Year’s Eve, an ideal backdrop for the passion and hope of the young outfit’s music.

And, if passion and hope seem to have fled you, on the final night of the year, Volcán should prove a fine soundtrack for any dance into oblivion. $5.00, 8:00pm, Brick at Blue Star, 108 Blue Star, (210) 2628653, brickatbluestar. com. — JC

T

“There’s a growing audience for throwback.

People want to hear somebody who really enjoyed the ‘90s country music era and brings that to 2016 country,” Jon Pardi says on his website, plugging his most recent album, California Sunrise. “A lot of this record is bringing an old-school flare back to a mainstream sound, but that gives me my own lane.” Born and raised in California, Pardi, like any SAT

31

respectable country artist trying to make it in the scene, moved to Nashville to chase his ambitions.

After a few tours under his belt buckle, including one opening for Alan Jackson, as well as securing a spot on the Capitol Nashville record label, you could definitely say that Mr. Pardi has done pretty good for a California boy chasing honky-tonk dreams. 7pm, $16$41, Cowboys Dancehall, 3030 NE Loop 410 at I-35 — CC

COURTESY OF BL

UE C

ORN

MU S

IC

MINGO FISHTRAP Singer and lead guitarist Roger Blevins has a voice that will make you say, “Damn, this boy’s got soul.”

Seriously though, in a day and age of Soundcloud, iTunes, Spotify and basically a billion other music listening platforms, it’s rare you a hear a new voice that brings you back to that curiosity and awe you first experienced in your early music listening days. Mingo SAT

31

Fishtrap, a six piece soul-funk band hailing from Austin Texas, will have you shaking that thang and raising your hands to praise the heavens for blessing you with an opportunity to experience the masterful music layering and dynamic that makes this band a rare Texas gem. w/ Aaron Stephens, 8:30pm, $20-$90, Sam’s Burger Joint, 330 E. Grayson St — CC

sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 45

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CURRENT • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • sacurrent.com

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CLUB SiRIUS

C I S U M S G N I T LIS WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28 AUDIOMOUTH AUDIOMOUTH returns to perform for the annual Valero Alamo Bowl Bash. $275. Marriott San Antonio Rivercenter, 7-11:30pm College Night: Wet-N-Wild Wednesday College night is every Wednesday night with DJ Bobby playing the best Top 40, dance, throwback, and trap, plus more. $10. The Bonham Exchange, 9pm Quince Wednesdays DJs RiffleEffect and Isaac_TX team up for “the best damn dance party you’ve been to since you were 15.” Free. Hi-Tones, 10pm Wednesday Originals: Melodic Metal New Years Local heavy metal artists Killstorm, PM Target 7, Broken Soul play Fitzgerald’s. Free. Fitzgerald’s Bar & Live Music, 9pm

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29 Deer Vibes Patio Session Local indie-pop band Deer Vibes plays Ventura. Free.

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Jeff Jacobs Jeff Jacobs, songwriter from Jeff Jacobs Band, combines the professionalism of the Nashville sound with the soulfulness and grit of Texas country. Free. Joe Blue’s, 9:30-11:30pm

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30 ▲ Blue Water Highway Band Americana band Blue Water Highway Band play Sam’s. $10-$45. Sam’s Burger Joint, 9pm Elora & Gasoline Alley Elora & Gasoline Alley play rock favorites and originals in the Yard at Fitzgerald’s, with support by John Relic. Free. Fitzgerald’s Bar & Live Music, 8pm Griphynn Zombies Bar presents Griphynn, Pretty Visitors, Mushroom Honey and D-Reil. $5. Zombies, 9:30pm Happy Hour with Junior Nash Happy Hour with performance by guitarist Junior Nash. Free. The Phoenix Saloon, 5-7pm Iron Maiden Laser Concert Experience Fitzgerald’s hosts the sights and sounds of Iron Maiden with a two-hour live laser show, featuring tribute band Seventh Son. $15-$25. Fitzgerald’s Bar & Live Music, 7pm-midnight sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 47

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Jason Boland and the Stragglers Red-dirt country artist Jason Boland plays Floore’s Country Store with support from Read Southall. $15-$20. John T Floore’s Country Store, 9pm

New Year’s Eve. Free. Boozehounds, 9pm NYE Concert and Party San Antonio Elks celebrates the new year with live music by West Kings Highway, hors d’oeuvres, and a champagne toast. $25. San Antonio Elks Lodge #216, 8pm

Luckenbach Christmas Special w/ T-Roy Miller T-Roy Miller performs country NYE with Akoustika Bleu Akoustika Bleu Christmas music at Luckenbach Dancehall. plays at the Edison Experiment for New Free. Luckenbach Dance Hall, 4pm Year’s Eve. Free. The Edison Experiment, 9pm Rev Lil Timmy’s Flesh Fest Featuring Rev Sabbath Judas Sabbath New Years Eve Lil Timmy and The Outlaw Revival Band, Metal Bash Featuring James Rivera’s Violent Revenge, Top Heavy and The Fest Ultimate Black Sabbath & Dio Tribute Dancers - Roxxy Mayhem, Silver Rose and Band with Bloodline Slayer Tribute and Jez D’Ore. $5. Bond’s 007 Rock Bar, 8pm Silent Cries Queensryche Tribute. $10-$13.

TexMex Holiday Fiesta Luckenbach Bond’s 007 Rock Bar, 8pm presents a TexMex Holiday Fiesta with Two Tons of Steel Texas-style rockabilly performances by Los TexManiacs, Flaco band Two Tons of Steel play the Amp Jimenez, Augie Meyers, and Johnny Room. Complimentary champagne at Nicholas. $20-$25. Luckenbach Dance midnight. $8-$10. The Amp Room, 9pm Hall, 8 p.m.

Very Metal New Year’s Eve with Mob SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31 Rules, Jessikill, HeadhunterUSA Fitzgerald’s celebrates New Year’s Eve The After Midnight Blues Band After with performances by metal bands Mob Midnight rings in the new year with an Rules (Dio Tribute), Jessikill, Headhunter evening of powerful blues and blues rock.

USA (A Tribute to Krokus). Party favors, Free. The Pig Pen, 8pm-midnight champagne toast and balloon drop at John Wolfe Country singer-songwriter John midnight. $7-$15. Fitzgerald’s Bar & Live Wolfe plays a New Year’s Eve show at Music, 7pm Floore’s with support from Randall King. $20-$25. John T Floore’s Country Store, 9pm SUNDAY, JANUARY 1 Luckenbach Texas New Year’s Eve Ball Luckenbach Texas hosts their New Years Eve Ball with country artist Dale Watson. $35. Luckenbach Dance Hall, 9pm Martinez Dancehall 2016 New Year’s Dance Martinez Dancehall brings in the new year with Jim Bolado & the Country Sounds. $15-$35. Martinez Social Club, 7pm-1am New Year’s Eve Show Featuring Doc Watkins and His Orchestra The Pearl’s newest upscale music venue, Jazz, TX, will host a New Year’s Eve show featuring venue owner and musician Doc Watkins accompanied by his orchestra. All tickets include dancing, featured show by Doc Watkins and his Orchestra, and a full dinner spread. $150-$200. Jazz, TX, 6pm New Year’s Eve 2016 with Kevin Fowler Texas country singer/songwriter plays Gruene Hall for New Year’s Eve. Ticket purchase includes free tamales and popcorn. Champagne splits will be available for purchase. $60. Gruene Hall, 9pm New Year’s Eve Party Phoenix Saloon hosts a New Year’s Eve party featuring Jesse Stratton Band and Fools of the Trade. $10.

The Phoenix Saloon, 8 p.m.-1 a.m.

New Year’s Eve with The Reacharounds The Reacharounds debut their band on

Nag Champa Nag Champa plays cumbia at Limelight. Free. Limelight, 9pm Sunday Music Matinee The Phoenix Saloon’s Sunday Music Matinee is hosted by All Mixed Up. Free. The Phoenix Saloon, 3pm

MONDAY, JANUARY 2 Meat and Metal Mondays Zombies Bar hosts a metal night while serving meat and drink specials. Free. Zombies, 5pm Old Skool 90s hip hop/R&B vids with VJ Wooly Bully. Free. The Amp Room, 9pm Swing Nite with The Texas Pianoman The Texas Pianoman plays swing night at Sam’s. $10. Sam’s Burger Joint, 8:30pm

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Free. Luckenbach Dance Hall, 5pm GEN-X 80s 80s Retro/New Wave from classic to obscure. Free. The Amp Room, 10pm Jazz on the Rocks Infuse your Tuesdays with unparalleled class and style during the St. Anthony Club’s weekly series combining live jazz, happy hour specials and complimentary small bites. Free. St. Anthony Hotel, 5-7pm

8373 CULEBRA STE. 103 • 210.521.4555 1639 BABCOCK RD. • 210.474.6005 sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 49

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REVOLUTION HALL (CONT)

SAVAGE LOVE

by Dan Savage

You should include/disclose that info in your profile (best practice), but many similarly situated men choose to wait until later (understandable practice, considering the stigma). But the existence of a spouse must be disclosed sometime between the end of the first text exchange and the start of the first blowjob.

Earlier this month, we recorded our Savage Lovecast Christmas Spectacular live at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon.

The audience submitted questions on tiny cards before the show, which allowed questioners to remain anonymous and forced them to be succinct. More questions were submitted than my guests and I could get to, so I promised the crowd I would answer as many of their unanswered questions as I could in this week’s column. Here we go … > How do you decide who wins an argument in a same-sex relationship? A sudden-death round of Golden Girls trivia. >All straight guys want to put it in your butt, but when you suggest eating it first, they run for the hills.

How can I bridge this gap and get my ass eaten? Date gay guys. > How do I avoid lesbian bed death? Date gay guys. > I’m in a FMF poly triad, and I’m looking to incorporate another guy into the mix. I’d look online, but I’m a public-school teacher in a small town. How do I find someone without outing myself and risking my career? Ask your partners to do the headhunting. > If you’re married and in an open relationship, do you need to include that info in your Tinder profile? Or can you wait until later?

Check out fresh daily content at sacurrent.com

>My wife goes on long runs with her girlfriend. I’m sure they are having sex in the woods. I’m jealous because I’m not getting enough.

What should I do? Get your own “running” partner. > I’m four months pregnant.

My husband won’t stop talking about how excited he is to taste my breast milk. I said he could try it from a bottle, but he wants it from the source. I want to be GGG, but this weirds me out. Tell your husband you’re going to table this topic for the time being. It’s possible you’ll be less weirded out by the idea once you’re actually breast-feeding, or the opposite is also a possibility.

But pestering you about it for the next fi ve months isn’t going to increase his chances of getting it from the source — quite the opposite. (And for the record: You can be GGG and still have hard limits/absolutely nots.) > I’m a 25-year-old gay man who doesn’t resonate with hookup culture. If I’m not comfortable fucking right away, how can I compete/find a partner? I get your question all the time — which means you’re not alone. Be up front about what you are willing to do (fuck after a getting-to-know-you date or two) and what you are not willing to do (fuck after a “sup?” or two), and you’ll scare off the wrong-for-you boys and attract the rightfor-you boys.

On the Lovecast, Dan Savage and the brilliant Randy Rainbow: savagelovecast.com. mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

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JONESIN’ CROSSWORD by Matt Jones

Answer on page 39

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CURRENT • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • sacurrent.com

“Four on the Floor” — putting your order down.

ACROSS

1 Pound cake ingredients 5 Like apples ready to bake 10 Torre pendente di ___ (European landmark, to locals) 14 Short pants?

15 Speed skater ___ Anton Ohno 16 “SVU” part 17 Diamond’s diametric opposite on the Mohs scale 18 Former Orange Bowl site 19 Walk back and forth 20 Cut ties with, on social media 22 I’d be lion if I said it 24 Lane who sang with Xavier Cugat 25 Title for several Trump cabinet picks 28 Musical miscellany 31 Indeterminate quantity 32 Corp.’s stock market debut 33 Nondairy dairy case item 34 Buccaneers’ bay 36 Pack away 37 1040 filers 38 Cheri once of “SNL” 39 Olympic vehicle 40 Find loathsome 41 Clip joint?

42 Like eight

43 Pokemon protagonist 44 Like some trees or tales 45 Like old rawhide bones 47 Pacific salmon variety 49 Cutty ___ (Scotch whisky) 50 Keystone’s place 51 Wendi ___-Covey of “The Goldbergs” 55 Benjamin Netanyahu’s nickname 57 Non-literal expression 59 Christmas lights location 60 Menaces to hobbits 61 Bourne of “The Bourne Ultimatum” 62 It has its points 63 Hotel counts 64 1997 environmental treaty site 65 “Note to ___ ...”

DOWN

1 Caesar’s “And you?”

2 “___ Torino” (Clint Eastwood film) 3 Strange sport?

4 Splenda, mainly 5 “I’m here so I can greet you ... not!”?

6 Declare one’s view 7 It may have a fork 8 Shade caster 9 “You really think zen

master is on my list of attributes?!”?

10 Chrysalides 11 “Birdman” director’s Beetle, e.g.?

12 “Attack, dog!”

13 Finished off 21 “May ___ excused?”

23 “Lit” binary digit 25 Camera used in extreme sports 26 Farthest orbital point from earth 27 Bottom-of-the-line 28 Coffee orders 29 Ciudad Juarez neighbor 30 Item that plays “Soul Meets Body,” for short?

31 Catch a whiff of 35 “___ of Two Cities” 36 Smooth quality 44 Clue hunter, informally 46 Political org. from 962 to 1806 48 Mr. Kringle 49 “Get outta here!”

51 Soybean soup 52 3/5, for example 53 Avocado shape 54 Soft toy substance 55 Literature Nobelist Dylan 56 Burning anger 58 Box on a calendar65 Bulk foods container

ETC.

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY by Rob Brezsny ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): Donatello was a renowned Italian sculptor. His favorite piece was “Lo Zuccone,” a marble statue of the Biblical prophet Habakkuk. As Donatello carved his work-in-progress, he addressed it.

“Speak, damn you! Talk to me,” he was heard to say on more than a few occasions. Did the stone respond? Judging from the beauty of the final product, I’d have to say yes. One art critic testified that “Lo Zuccone” is a “sublimely harrowing” tour de force, a triumph of “forceful expression,” and “one of the most important marble sculptures of the 15th century.” I suspect you will have Donatello-like powers of conversation in 2017, Aries. If anyone can communicate creatively with stones — and rivers and trees and animals and spirits and complicated humans, for that matter — it’ll be you.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): According to Japanese novelist Haruki Murakami, “A certain type of perfection can only be realized through a limitless accumulation of the imperfect.” Let’s amend that thought so it’s exactly suitable for your use in 2017. Here’s the new, Taurus-specific version: “A messy, practical, beautiful type of perfection can be realized through a patient, faithful, dogged accumulation of the imperfect.” To live up to the promise of this motto, make damn good use of every partial success.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20): Gemini gymnast Marisa Dick has created a signature move that has never been used by any other gymnast.

To start her routine, she leaps up off a springboard and lands on the balance beam doing a full split.

The technical term for this bold maneuver is “a change-leg leap to free-cross split sit,” although its informal name is “The Dick Move.” The International Federation of Gymnastics has certified it in its Code of Points, so it’s official. During the coming months, I expect that you will also produce one-of-a-kind innovations in your own sphere.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22): I hope you will be as well-grounded in 2017 as you have ever been — maybe even since your past life as a farmer. I trust you will go a long way toward mastering the arts of being earthy, practical, and stable. To do this right, however, you should also work on a seemingly paradoxical task: cultivating a vigorous and daring imagination — as perhaps you did in one of your other past lives as an artist. In other words, your ability to succeed in the material world will thrive as you nurture your relationship with fantasy realms — and vice versa. If you want to be the boss of reality, dream big and wild — and vice versa.

LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): Even if you don’t think of yourself as an artist, you are always working on a major art project: yourself.

You may underestimate the creativity you call on as you shape the raw material of your experience into an epic story. Luckily, I’m here to impress upon you the power and the glory of this heroic effort. Is there anything more important? Not for you Leos. And I trust that in 2017 you will take your craftsmanship to the highest level ever.

Keep this advice from author Nathan W. Morris in mind: “Edit your life frequently and ruthlessly.

It’s your masterpiece, after all.”

VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): French painter Henri Matisse (1869-1954) turned out to be one of the supremely influential artists of the 20th century. But he was still struggling to make a living well into his thirties. The public’s apathy toward his work demoralized him. At one point, he visited his dealer to reclaim one of his unsold paintings. It was time to give up on it, he felt, to take it off the market. But when he arrived at the gallery, his dealer informed him that it had finally been bought — and not by just any art collector, either. Its new owner was Pablo Picasso, an artist whom Matisse revered. I think it’s quite possible you will have comparable experiences in 2017, Virgo. Therefore: Don’t give up on yourself!

LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22): “The self in exile remains the self, as a bell unstruck for years is still a bell,” writes poet Jane Hirshfield.

I suspect that these words are important for you to hear as you prepare for 2017. My sense is that in the past few months, your true self has been making its way back to the heart of life after a time of wandering on the outskirts. Any day now, a long-silent bell will start ringing to herald your full return. Welcome home!

wisdom exploits! And please note: You don’t have to wait until the wisdom is perfect. You shouldn’t worry about whether it’s supremely practical.

Your job is to trust your wisdom gut, to unleash your wisdom cry, to revel in your wisdom magic.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): As I was ruminating on your astrological omens for 2017, I came across a wildly relevant passage written by Rabbi Tzvi Freeman. It conveys a message I encourage you to memorize and repeat at least once a day for the next 365 days.

Here it is: “Nothing can hold you back — not your childhood, not the history of a lifetime, not even the very last moment before now. In a moment you can abandon your past. And once abandoned, you can redefine it. If the past was a ring of futility, let it become a wheel of yearning that drives you forward. If the past was a brick wall, let it become a dam to unleash your power.”

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18): Naturalist John Muir regarded nature as his church. For weeks at a time he lived outdoors, communing with the wilderness. Of course he noticed that not many others shared his passion. “Most people are on the world, not in

it,” he wrote, “having no conscious sympathy or relationship to anything about them — undiffused, separate, and rigidly alone like marbles of polished stone, touching but separate.” Is there anything about you that even partially fits that description, Aquarius? If so, I’m pleased to inform you that 2017 will be an excellent year to address the problem. You will have immense potential to become more intimate and tender with all of the component parts of the Great Mystery. What’s the opposite of loneliness?

PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): Seven Chilean poets were frustrated by their fellow citizens’ apathy toward the art of poetry.

They sarcastically dramatized their chagrin by doing a performance for baboons. Authorities at the Santiago Zoo arranged for the poets’ safety, enclosing them in a protective cage within the baboons’ habitat. The audience seemed to be entertained, at times listening in rapt silence and at other times shrieking raucously. I’m sure you can empathize with the poets’ drastic action, Pisces. How many times have you felt you don’t get the appreciation you deserve? But I bet that will change in 2017. You won’t have to resort to performing for baboons.

THIS MODERN WORLD by Tom Tomorrow

SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21): In accordance with your astrological omens for 2017, I’ve taken a poem that Shel Silverstein wrote for kids and made it into your horoscope.

It’ll serve as a light-hearted emblem of a challenging but fun task you should attend to in the coming months. Here it is: “I’ve never washed my shadow out in all the time I’ve had it.

It was absolutely filthy I supposed, so I peeled it off the wall where it was leaning and stuck it in the washtub with the clothes. I put in soap and bleach and stuff. I let it soak for hours. I wrung it out and hung it out to dry. And whoever would have thunk that it would have gone and shrunk, for now it’s so much littler than I.” SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): Walk your wisdom walk in 2017, Sagittarius.

Excite us with your wisdom songs and gaze out at our broken reality with your wisdom eyes.

Play your wisdom tricks and crack your wisdom jokes and erupt with your wisdom cures. The world needs you to be a radiant swarm of lovable, unpredictable wisdom! Your future needs you to conjure up a steady stream of wisdom dreams and

sacurrent.com • December 28, 2016-January 3, 2017 • CURRENT 53

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