The White Book by Ethel Gutmann

m i l ê

l i m t

r

e

the confidential approach

 i was diagnosed disordered. i w a n t t o u n d e r s t a n d h o w a n d w h y. i p r e s e n t - l y, work in progress and try to advance. this work is a frame-work, i t h a s t h e f o r m o f t o d a y, its function is a strate-um, a level. the level is a stage. tomorrow is process, the scene will evolve. in order to find the right unit for the understanding. if order is to be found, if the level[s] of understanding[s] is to be unified i am ordered to com/a/prehend its language. i, therefore want to build a speech, m [ i­] n e . 

the references are meant to be a reference, one is free to explore its language.

4

by ethel gutmann 5

m

i

l i mil lĂŠsime m i l illum i n e le mil lim e t r

m l e sublime

Illuminations, Ar thur Rimbaud [1886] 42 poems.

6

e

at the start

her life in milliseconds, 5 8 . 8 2 1 . 9 0 1 . 5 9 4 . 7 3 3 .

7

how do the others do?

8

srorrim eht htiw ti od yeht

.]2591[ eitsirhC ahta gA ,sror riM htiw redruM 9

the ability

the project, i am an i to be, i look. i am an i that has decided to see and study the others be, with the hope of being too, one day. so far, i am just an eye, a spy. i sometimes name this i, she., especially when the i feels too personal or too impersonal to use. when the i is another-eye than i. i am also her. she observes and examines the others. she finds it hard to relate to their answers. she asks why. she wants to understand, she looks for the language. in the name of it, she becomes the symptom. she is the slave of the language. she disappears in the process. the method is the lead. what are the delimitations for the self. she watches the objects, she catches the moments, she collects the information, she archives the reports, she separates the responses. she classifies, she sequences, she cuts, she edits. every data, every item, every section, every clutter. in a catalogue following the scale of the emotions. the anger, the joy, the sadness, the emptiness, the shame, the disgust, the despair, the pleasure, the pain, the void, the desire, the sorrow, the rage, the excitement, the interest, the indifference, the triumph, the melancholia, the grief. the shade. the questioning. the purpose. she treats the body with no limits, he is the unbreakable link to the others. no matter the damages, the drugs, the insomnia, the hunger, the pain. the body cannot argue with her. he is the message. she is the method. the method is her myth.

10

the diet-ability

i] i ii] the others iii] i with the others

11

T h e S p y, T h e D o o r s [ M o r r i s o n H o t e l , 1 9 7 0 ] , 4 m 1 4 s .

12

prĂŠlude, the caesura. [a pause in a line of verse dictated by sense or natural speech rhythm rather than by metrics]

13

the id pattern

the age, 36 the height, 154 the weight, 38,7 the potential, strong the self, damaged the habit, questioning the answer, consuming the weakness, self-sabotage the past, present the future, far the present, vague

14

« [...] je me disais qu’il s’enfuyait comme le temps, que c’était une idée facile et qu’il était agréable d’avoir des idées faciles. C’était l’été. » Bonjour Tristesse, Françoise Sagan, 1954.

[I told myself that it ran out like time. It was an idle thought, and it was pleasant to have idle thoughts, for it was summer.]

15

in the gematria, ethel has the number 431

the numbers make the words sense

16

the value, 431

faithfulness, 98, 118, 124, 317, 429, 431 feast, 32, 104, 210, 382, 431 [blessing of the], 431, 542 [and she], 431, 542 workman, 124, 431 multitude, 105, 124, 193, 198, 322, 356, 389, 431 names, 428, 431 [and you shall], 431 place, 65, 72, 95, 132, 187, 305, 366, 420, 431 architect, 124, 431 astonished, 431 Amon [chief god], 124, 431 trusting, 49, 124, 431 wheels, 188, 431 artificer, 124, 340, 431 guilty, 203, 272, 481 [his being], 431

17

the original formula

The method was first presented in the paper Secure Deletion of Data from Magnetic and Solid-State Memory, in July 1996.

18

ÂŤ the Gutmann Overwrite Method is an algorithm for securely erasing the contents [of computer hard drives], such as files. Âť

19

the method

how many times can we rewrite the story?

An overwrite session consists of a lead-in of four random write patterns, followed by patterns 5 to 31 (see rows of table), executed in a random order, and a lead-out of four more random patterns. Each of patterns 5 to 31 was designed with a specific magnetic media encoding scheme in mind, which each pattern targets. The drive is written to for all the passes even though the table below only shows the bit patterns for the passes that are specifically targeted at each encoding scheme. The end result should obscure any data on the drive so that only the most advanced physical scanning (e.g. using a magnetic force microscope of the drive is likely to be able to recover any data.

devised by Peter Gutmann and Colin Plumb 20

21

Pass Data Written Pattern written to disk for targeted encoding scheme

In Binary notation In Hex notation (1,7) RLL (2,7) RLL

1 (Random) (Random) 2 (Random) (Random) 3 (Random) (Random) 4 (Random) (Random) 5 01010101 01010101 01010101 55 55 55 100...

6 10101010 10101010 10101010 AA AA AA 00 100...

7 10010010 01001001 00100100 92 49 24 00 100000...

8 01001001 00100100 10010010 49 24 92 0000 100000...

9 00100100 10010010 01001001 24 92 49 100000...

10 00000000 00000000 00000000 00 00 00 101000...

1000...

11 00010001 00010001 00010001 11 11 11 0 100000...

12 00100010 00100010 00100010 22 22 22 00000 100000...

13 00110011 00110011 00110011 33 33 33 10...

1000000...

14 01000100 01000100 01000100 44 44 44 000 100000...

15 01010101 01010101 01010101 55 55 55 100...

16 01100110 01100110 01100110 66 66 66 0000 100000...

000000 17 01110111 01110111 01110111 77 77 77 100010...

18 10001000 10001000 10001000 88 88 88 00 100000...

19 10011001 10011001 10011001 99 99 99 0 100000...

00 10000000...

20 10101010 10101010 10101010 AA AA AA 00 100...

21 10111011 10111011 10111011 BB BB BB 00 101000...

22 11001100 11001100 11001100 CC CC CC 0 10...

0000 10000000...

23 11011101 11011101 11011101 DD DD DD 0 101000...

24 11101110 11101110 11101110 EE EE EE 0 100010...

25 11111111 11111111 11111111 FF FF FF 0 100...

000 100000...

26 10010010 01001001 00100100 92 49 24 00 100000...

27 01001001 00100100 10010010 49 24 92 0000100000...

28 00100100 10010010 01001001 24 92 49 100000...

29 01101101 10110110 11011011 6D B6 DB 0 100...

30 10110110 11011011 01101101 B6 DB 6D 100...

31 11011011 01101101 10110110 DB 6D B6 00 100...

32 (Random) (Random) 33 (Random) (Random) 34 (Random) (Random) 35 (Random) (Random)

The series of patterns is as follows:

0 100...

100 100...

00 100...

0 1000...

000 1000...

10000000...

000 1000...

0 1000...

0 100...

100 100...

00 100...

MFM

ÂŤ i tried to enter the formula and fit the mould the Mascarade ate me alive i had no choice but to find another language and drown my sorrow into Alcohol. i t w a s r i s k y. i am not proud, i am not disappointed, i was meant to survive. if i live, i seek the un[i]t. Âť

22

the voyage

Alcools, Guillaume Apollinaire, poems [1913].

23

the remains of the last month

Champagne Demoiselle Vranken rosé, France Champagne Mumm Cordon Rouge, France Freixenet Cordon Negro Brut, Spain Château Bastor-Lamontagne Sauternes 2008, France Trapiche Chardonnay Oak Cask 2008, Argentina Les Princes Abbés Riesling 2004, France Jacob’s Creek Shiraz Rosé 2009, Australia Chablis 1er Cru Montmains 2008, France La Croix Cru Classé Eloge Rosé 2009, France Côte de Nuits Villages 2009, France Saumur-Champigny Sébastien Bobinet 2008, France Lindemans Shiraz 2008, South Africa Marqués de Cáceres Crianza Rioja 2004, Spain Valserrano Finca Monteviejo Rioja 2006, Spain Casillero Del Diablo Merlot 2005, Chile

Ozeki Sake Dry, Japan Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey, USA Cointreau, France Yeni Raki, Turkey Żubrówka Bison Vodka, Poland Mirabelle de Lorraine eau-de-vie, family plum trees

24

the vain record [in empty bottles]

% alc 12 12 12 14 9,5 12,5 12,5 12,5 12,5 13 12,5 14 13 15 13,5 14,7 40 40 45 40 45

in in in in

litres

bottles

litres

0,75 0,75 0,75 0,75 0,75 0,75 0,75 0,75 0,75 0,75 0,75 0,75 0,75 0,75 0,75 0,75 0,70 0,70 0,70 0,70 0,70

3 3 6 4 3 1 4 2 5 2 4 2 1 1 3 2 1 1 2 1 1

2,25 2,25 4,50 3,00 2,25 0,75 3,00 1,50 3,75 1,50 3,00 1,50 0,75 0,75 2,25 1,50 0,70 0,70 1,40 0,70 0,70

----------------------

52

38,70

38,70

bottles litres milliliters shame

[i]in kilos

52 38.70 38.700 ---.--25

La route, Vive la Fête [Jour de chance, 2007], 3m 35s.

La ligne noire Dans le paysage Nuitamment un peu sauvage Tous les discours sont terminés Sur la, la route La route abandonnée Suivre le pointillé Les mouches A feu Elles tournent Ses yeux Elles dansent Sur la Route abandonnée L’ immensité Suivre le pointillé Le bitum fond A cause de la chaleur Les rochers se morfondent Ce sont les vainqueurs La lune Veille sur nous Les arbres Relèvent La garde Le temps Qui va Trop vite.

La route abandonnée.

Les mouches A feu Elles tournent Ses yeux Le paysage Un peu sauvage Un peu sauvage La route abandonnée Suivre le pointillé Jamais Perdu Le nord Le sud Et puis En tout lieu Aventureux La lune veille sur nous Ça ne m’étonne pas Oh ne parlez pas La route abandonnée 26

she is scared

27

she is

so sca red

28

the shit out of.

29

she must think of the stability, the loops, the dance.

30

CafĂŠ MĂźller, Pina Bausch [1978], 45 min, 100 bpm.

she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up. she grasps, she embraces, she kisses, she slides, she falls, she stands up.

one more time.

31

32

but it is getting late.

33

If only one could taste one’s void, if one could really rest in one one’s void, and this void were not a certain kind of being but not quite death either.

It is so hard to no longer exist, to no longer be in something. The real pain is to feel one’s thought shift within oneself. But thought as a fixed point is certainly not painful.

I have reached the point where I am no longer in touch with life, but still have all the appetites and the insistent titillation of being.

I have only one occupation left: to remake myself.

The Nerve Meter [Le Pèse-nerfs], Antonin Artaud, 1925.

34

Si l’on pouvait seulement goûter son néant, si l’on pouvait se bien reposer dans son néant, et que ce néant ne soit pas une certaine sorte d’être mais ne soit pas la mort tout à fait.

Il est si dur de ne plus exister, de ne plus être dans quelque chose.

La vraie douleur est de sentir en soi se déplacer sa pensée. Mais la pensée comme un point n’est certainement pas une souffrance.

J’en suis au point où je ne touche plus à la vie, mais avec en moi tous les appétits et la titillation insistante de l’être.

Je n’ai plus qu’une occupation, me refaire.

Le pèse-nerfs, Antonin Artaud, 1925.

35

ĂŠpisode 1

in in in in in in in in

years months weeks days hours minutes seconds milliseconds

36 22.368 97.258 680.808 16.339.418 980.365.027 58.821.901.595 58.821.901.594.733

current position, in the life.

36

the remake of the self

4 28 672 40.320 2.419.200 2.419.200.000 where? what? yes.

in weeks in days in hours in minutes in seconds in milliseconds in a rehab center fuck i’m fucked very fucked

current programme, steps to sobriety.

37

the panic

Diivviissiioonn[[U Unnkknnoowwnn PPlleeaassuurreess,, 11997799]],, 33m m 2233ss..

SShhee’s’s LLoosstt CCoonnttrrooll,, JJooyy D 38

the week before, she counts the days, faces the friends, fools the others, wanders the city, makes not-to-forget lists in the head, prepares the suitcase. downloads the music, selects the movies, collects the books, loses the lists, wanders the appartment, starts again, counts the hours. stares at the window, stares at the last bottles. wants to disconnect the reality. buys the drinks. wanders the room. says goodbye to everyone. opens the last bottles. drinks. converts the hours into minutes. cleans the place, clears the mess, cleanses the rests. says goodbye to everyone. drinks. counts the minutes, says goodbye to everyone. drinks more. says goodbye to everyone. drinks. converts the minutes into seconds. drinks too much. converts the minutes into milliliters. counts the seconds. counts on the milliliters. goodbye. drinks too much. last time. drinks too much. goodbye. goodbye. counts on on the the milliliters. milliliters. counts goodbye. goodbye. drinks too too much. much. drinks last time. time. last drinks too too much. much. drinks goodbye. goodbye.

39

the preparation

40

the apparatus the suitcase computer ipod hard disk headphones speakers fountain pen black ink white paint 3 notebooks 13 books 22 movies 14 tv shows 18.225 songs 12 tshirts 2 shirts 3 sweatshirts 4 slim jeans 1 pair of cowboy boots 1 pair of sneakers 3 pair of shoes 2 pijamas optical glasses 2 sunglasses mascara khol lip gloss labello daycream scrub shampoo sunblock perfume sleeping pills paracetamol apples crackers tissues cotton pads make-up remover sample of Shalimar grandmother’s necklace family photos?, no.

41

42

« i n t e r l u d e o n e , l e t ’s k e e p a n e y e o n t h i s i »

43

44

the arrival

the clinic’s

h

o

u

r

five fifteen

the patient’s

r

o

o

m

white and cynical

the patient’s

s

e

high [last time]

the patient’s

m

d

low profile

the patient’s

p r o f i l e

identified patient

the patient’s

r e c o v e r y

unidentified period

the doctor’s

l

patience and more.

the patient’s

t h o u g h t

t

a o

i

t o

n

45

e

holiday?

the first minute

items held at reception [8 days] com/munication phone sms whatsapp computer internet email messenger skype facebook twitter auto/medication paracetamol sleeping pill antistaminic self/humiliation sharp objects

46

the first hour

« -for a week communication is forbidden, we will confiscate all your devices -everything?

-everything. no visits no phone no internet no friends no family -thank you.

-it isn’t funny, miss G. it is a clinic here -i am not fooling -doors shut at 20.00, back to your room, breakfast at 7.00 -that’s good for me -we won’t ask you.

-?

-tomorrow medical tests and macramé workshop -ok., but i don’t like building ties -you will learn. »

47

the first day

the activities, day A 07:00 breakfast, meds, bread jam and decaf 07:30 blood pressure 07:35 heart pulsations 08:00 shower 08:30 group therapy [drugs are an addiction] 10:00 liver function tests 10:30 electrocardiograph 11:00 blood pressure 11:05 heart pulsations 12:00 lunch, meds veal and beans 12:30 rests 13:00 mingles with the others 14:00 ping-pong 15:00 individual therapy 15:30 macramĂŠ workshop, 312 tights 16:30 mingles with the others 17:30 blood pressure 17:35 heart pulsations 17:36 rests 18:30 dinner, meds bread jam and decaf 19:00 more decaf with the others 20:30 A.A meeting 22:30 blood pressure 22:35 heart pulsations 22:36 meds and back to room 22:45 nurse checks, pretends to sleep 22:50 writes, pretends not to fall asleep 22:55 blackout, sleeps.

06:00 starts writing again

20 5 1 20 45 30 40 5 1 30

min min min min min min min min min min

60 60 30 60

min min min min

5 min 1 min 30 120 5 1

min min min min

time for to the institution, 10 hours 59 min 569 min time to self, 13 hours 01 min 871 min - time of sleep, 7 hours 15 min -435 min free time to self-awake, 7 hours 16 min

48

436 min

the first treat

the treatment, (alcohol withdrawal) antidepressant [A] Cipralexa 10 mg, 1 dragee morning tranquilizer [B] Valium 10 mg, 1 tablet, 4x/day vitamin [C] vitamin B1, 1 tablet 500 mg/day sleeping pill D Loramet [LormĂŠtazĂŠpam], 2 mg, 1 tablet, bed time

10 mg 40 mg 500 mg 2 mg 552 mg

no visits for 8 days

lunch morning

A B

B C

dinner B bed B D

i f e e l a l i t t l e d i z z y - i t i s o n l y f o r a f e w d ay s.

49

50

the first talk, the neighbour

« -you’re new?

-i arrived this morning.

-you have a cigarette?

-i don’t smoke.

-and tomorrow?

-i won’t smoke either.

-you look like you’re flexible -i did a lot of sport -you have a cat that scratches your ams?

-no.

-i am an agent undercover here, i am not ill, i wear the dressing gown to stay discreet -which intelligent forces do you work for?

-..., can i have a good morning kiss?

-ask the nurse. »

51

the first visit to the psychiatrist

the day, tuesday the meeting, psychiatrist the hour, 10.00 the pur pose, find one. the look, ver y eleg ant [him], ver y decadent [i] the tone, calm but fir m [him], fir m but agitated [i]

52

so, Miss G.? i don’t think i am sick. i wanted to come here, i find broken people beautiful, they’re real. i look for the Truth. in short, i needed a break. couldn’t you go on vacation? i wanted a break from the Mascarade. where is the Mascarade? somewhere near everywhere. drinking is your escape? it looks like an evasion, but it has become an invasion, too many waterfalls. i’m soaking wet. it’s a flood, you better dry that out. what about your family? a lot to declare, i’m afraid. i write pages about that, i intend to go deeper. how deep? you seem pretty swamped already. i want to turn dysfunction into a functionning form. that’s my function in the family. how do you intend to shape that? i haven’t figured that out. you will get the family therapy something else? i have a strange diet, i eat one colour only, white. why? are you a radical? well, i am at war., but i am gradually working on a peace process. i’m happy to hear. for the meals, talk to the nurse.

53

t h e

c o l o u r

o n e

t h e

w h i t e

A S i n g l e M a n , To m F o r d [ 2 0 0 9 ] , 1 h 4 0 m i n .

56

the colour white [in response to the black]

the white has the abyss of ...................... the void the white has the non-colour of ...................... the blank the white has the freedom of ...................... the one the white has the eve of ...................... the origin the white has the veil of ...................... the light the white has the dust of ...................... the stars the white has the innocence of ...................... the virgin the white has the peace of ...................... the flag the white has the solidity of ...................... the bone the white has the fragility of ...................... the chalk the white has the health of ...................... the pure the white has the juice of ...................... the milk the white has the continuum of ...................... the spectrum the white has the line of ...................... the horizon the white has the mirror of ...................... the reflection the white has the paint of ...................... the primary the white has the white of ...................... the snow white the white has the power of ...................... the white magic the white has the size of ...................... the milky way the white has the spacetime of ...................... the white hole the white has the brightness of ...................... the moon the white has the promise of...................... the full the white has the delicacy of ...................... the brilliance the white has the warmth of ...................... the incandescence

For astronomers, one of the most important parameters is actually the colour of the galaxy, Jeffrey Newman, University of Pittsburgh.

57

ÂŤ what am i doing here? i a m a s p y, i shall take advantage of my situation, i shall write Âť

write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write 58

write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write 59

w o r k

i n

p r o c e s s

i ’ s J o u r n a l , [ U n t i t l e d ] 3 p / d a y.

62

« - M i s s G. , y o u h a ve t o s l e e p n o w -i write.

- I t ’s n i g h t , a t n i g h t w e s l e e p -i can’t. i write.

-I’ll do a report.

- A r e y o u a s p y, t o o ? »

63

the first visit to the psychotherapist

the day, wednesday the meeting, psychotherapist the hour, 12.00 the pur pose, find one. the look, ver y sexy [her], ver y messy [i] the tone, strict [her], stressed [i]

64

Good morning, Miss G ... how are you feeling? pretty shitty why is that? i am unfit it’s true, you haven’t taken good care of your self lately no, i don’t fit your clothes? the mould how does the mould look like? sober and dry, clean and boring so, you break it? yes, i destroy every inch of it we have to change the pattern damaging is my leitmotif i think you are more complex give time the time you exhausted yourself, we have to fix you i have no patience and too much time but you are my patient now you’ll have to colaborate see you on friday

65

this filling up the gaps, is this really necessary? remember, more is less.

66

more is less. more is lie me inside less i is restless more is loss moribund morals is mess mass is void noise. more i is less less i is more more is less or is less more sorrow moroseness more is slow mass is blow me has soul me is almost i more is leash to loss rest is love less i is leak or is lack more morose unless life is rose coast is close yes love is rest more is no more me as less at all morn no mourn me is restless more is less more as lush is blush to i. m o r e, mess. less is form l e s s, yes.

67

she can’t think of the stability, no threads, no loops, no ties.

68

Raging Bull, Martin Scorsese [1980], 2h 09 min.

she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she

stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares, stares,

she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she

punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches, punches,

she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she

kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks, kicks,

she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she

hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts,

she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she

falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls, falls,

she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she she

stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands stands

up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up. up.

one more time.

69

the visit to the psychiatrist ii

how do you feel about the treatment? i don’t feel anything you aren’t calmer? no. i heard you punched the walls could be. ok, we’re changing the pills you need a container to contain what? for bandages, ask the nurse.

70

the visit to the psychotherapist ii

you cannot hit yourself i won’t allow it why? do you dream? i don’t remember well, think of me when you do. i always think of you no flattering remember, walls always win.

71

the diagnosis, borderline

achemine adrenaline agglutine affine alcaline angine aspirine assassine bassine bénigne bibine burine butine caféïne câline chagrine cocaïne codéïne colline carabine bouquine confine contamine coquine dessine devine déracine détermine dissémine doctrine domine digne divine dioxine discipline dégouline égratigne embobine

enfarine enquiquine enracine entre-ligne examine élimine extermine emmagasine épine farine féminine fine fulmine gamine gabardine glycérine gomine hallucine héroïne illumine imagine i ine incline indigne insuline inopine lamine lésine lettrine libertine ligne longiligne machine maligne mesquine mine moleskine 72

mutine obstine opine narine nougatine origine orpheline peaufine poitrine protéïne quinine racine radine raffine résigne rétine rouquine routine ruine rumine sanguine signe souligne tambourine taquine tartine théïne toxine trampoline trépigne trottine turbine urine usine vaccine vigne vitamine zibeline

Borderline personality disorder Borderline personality disorder (BPD), (according to the ICD-10 World Health Organization disease classification, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, Borderline Type), is a psychological condition marked by a prolonged disturbance of personality function, characterized by unusual variability and depth of moods. These moods may secondarily affect cognition and interpersonal relations.

The disorder typically involves an unusual degree of instability in mood and black-and-white thinking, or splitting.

BPD often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes and chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, issues with self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual’s sense of self.

The term « borderline » was originally used by psychologist Adolf Stern in the 1930s to describe patients whose condition bordered somewhere between psychosis and neurosis. It has also been used to describe the borderline states of consciousness these patients sometimes feel when they experience dissociative symptoms.

In of

extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense self can lead to periods of dissociation.

« c’est une personne au bord des lignes? » 73

the best friend

« -you are crying -...

-did you kill anyone?

-...

-you cry a lot, i’ve seen you, three days of tears, you have a lot of water in you -yes -i think you’re beautiful -i don’t how to behave, i never cried -here is a good place to start -are you broken, too?

-i take a break -...

-i failed, i got trapped in my game.

-it’s risky to play -it’s risky to live.

-i am Bruno -i am enchantée. »

« -what are you writing?

-i take notes -a journal?

-you like words, too?

-yes, but i haven’t used many since i arrived -you want to write to me?

-i think we correspond, already. »

74

Bruno

« -i like your jacket -it’s a bomber one -i know, you wear it every day -i didn’t have time to pack -then, you’re lucky it’s waterproof -yes, i’m raining a lot -what’s your plan today?

-i’d like to fly away, but i’m in rehab -and you forgot your wings -no time to pack. »

« -i met another adventurer, my neighbour -i heard he’s a schizophrenic -i only talk to his left side -right, follow your heart. »

75

day 8, end of the quarantine

items held given back com/munication phone sms whatsapp computer internet email messenger skype facebook twitter auto/medication self/humiliation

76

the re-connection

« -for the next 3 weeks, we encourage you to communicate and re-connect with your environment.

-how?

-use your phone, meet your friends.

-why?

-so that you can think of joining the outside world -i don’t want to.

-it isn’t funny, miss G. -i am not fooling, the outside hurts the inside -you can talk to your doctor about that.

-don’t you think so, too?

-the only issue i have is your time of entry and exit.

-?

-as usual, doors shut at 20.00, breakfast at 7.00 -that’s good for me.

-it better be. »

77

the family therapy

the mood, over stressed the feel, sinful the thought, what have i done? the shower one, slightly clean the group therapy, the damages of alcohol on the body, skipped the record one, 125 loops in 75 min around the pound the individual therapy, skipped the record two, 250 tennis strokes against the wall the line, shameful the tears. the make-up, in pieces the shower two, slightly cleansed the psychiatrist, skipped the nurse calling, ignored the lunch, skipped the nurse calling again, ignored again the thought, what have i done? the ping-pong group, skipped the nurse checking, missed the record three, 300 loops in the room the tears. the make-up, in pieces the phone call [mother], ignored the text message [brother], ignored the email [father], ignored the thought, what have i done? the tears. the obsession, disgraceful the shower three, slightly purified the diner, missed the nurse checking one more time, missed one more time the staring at the window, abused the after dinner talk with clinic mates, missed the family therapy, assisted.

the family therapy day, dismissed the after therapy, self relieved the mood, overwhelmed the sleeping pills, double dosage. tears.

78

i i i i

love love love love

you you you you

all. all. all. all.

i love you all. too much, far too much. t h a t ’s o u r i s s u e

we love you, too a l o t o f l ove, we d o.

but, does it have to be so intense?

lo ve love live to love love to live all this love, where to store it? how do you s e p e r a t e ? can we divorce?

79

t h e

c o l o u r

t w o

t h e

o r a n g e

A Clockwork Orange, Stanley Kubrick [1971], 2h 17 min.

82

the colour two, the orange [in acce ptance of the other]

the orange has the colour of ...................... the hue the orange has the flavour of ...................... the taste the orange has the perfume of ...................... the s[c]ent.iment the orange has the round of ...................... the circle the orange has the flesh of ...................... the skin the orange has the texture of...................... the earth the orange has the fire of ...................... the energy the orange has the tan of ...................... the ochre the orange has the peel of ...................... the warmth the orange has the ray of ...................... the sun the orange has the colour of ...................... the bliss the orange has the turn of ...................... the change the orange has the challenge of ...................... the controversy the orange has the tension of ...................... the intensity the orange has the colour of ...................... the curiosity the orange has the compliments of ..................the secondary the orange has the half-tone of ...................... the acceptance the orange has the line of ...................... the construction the orange has the danse of ...................... the enthusiasm the orange has the engine of ...................... the engineering the orange has the orange of ...................... the bergamot the orange has the duality of ...................... the pair the orange has the flavour of ...................... the other

« La terre est bleue comme une orange », Paul Eluard, [L’amour la poésie] 1929.

83

the chart

what-where are the borders of the line?

the system, s y s t e m a t i c the motif, a p a t t e r n the set, b i n a r y the lines, e n t w i n e d the squares, f r a m e d the rectangles,

squared the circles, r o u n d the walls, m o v i n g the tiles, in fragments the boxes, p i l l e d u p the borders, e d g y the shapes, f i g u r a t i v e the figures, f a c i n g the threads, t a n g l e d the objects,

s t i l l the details, in the subsets the ray, i n f i n i t e

Ď€ [Pi], Darren Aronofsky [1998], 1h 24m.

84

the choreography

what-where are the angles of the heart?

the rhythm, i n parts the rhyme, v e r s a t i l e the voice, very atonal the danse, o f f b e a t the composition, masterpiece the pace, masterpeace the unit[y], t h e p u l s e the elements, movements the scansion, o n p a u s e the intersections, u n i t e d the segments, s e t the spaces, in equation the formulas, p a l p i t a n t the duet t a n g o the rounds, i n loops the algorithm, the [he]art of r e l a t i o n s

P o l k a m a t i c , V i t a l i c [ O k C o w b o y, 2 0 0 5 ] , 1 m 5 1 s , 1 1 0 b p m .

85

con[necting]

« -you do macramé even outside workshop?

-it passes time -so how much time is one tie?

-i don’t know? i don’t count -so how do you know time passes ?

-it’s just closer to dinner now -and dinner is fun-time ?

-more fun than tying nuts like nut cases »

86

dis-con[necting]

r e p l a y, W i m b l e d o n f i n a l 2 0 0 8 N a d a l v s F e d e r e r 6–4, 6–4, 6–7(5–7), 6–7(8–10), 9–7, 4 h 48 min.

87

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90

at night, the recurrent idea

the dream, i am a goldfish i swim in circles, i don’t remember why i swim, nor how many laps i do. my goldmine is my colour, i am a goldfish. i can forget. and i’m happy to go on swimming.

There is a popular belief that goldfish only have a three-second memory span and every lap of their fishbowl is like seeing the world for the first time. [it’s a belief, studies have proven that goldfishes can remember pain, but i choose not to believe them] 91

94

a t d a y, t h e r e c u r r e n t i d e a

P i s s F a c t o r y, P a t t i S m i t h , [ T r a c k , 1 9 7 4 ]

5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat.

5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat.

5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat.

5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat.

5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat.

5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat.

5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat.

5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat. 5:03 min, on repeat.

95

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i ’s J o u r n a l , [ P r i v a t e ] 3 p / h o u r .

d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo

u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u

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a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a

pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl

a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a

n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

101

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? n

o

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? .

the reference Jeanne Vor mus bor n Metzg er 28 september 1914 - 19 october 2006 [grandmother]

her in days in hours in minutes in seconds in milliseconds

life 33.624 806.976 48.418.560 2.905.113.600 2.905.113.600.000

[92 years, and 21 days]

in wars, 2/in husbands, 2/in daughters, 2/in grandchildren, 5/in great-grandchildren, 4.

104

the first humanist of my life

her life in days in hours in minutes in seconds in milliseconds

with i 11.145 267.480 16.048.800 962.928.000 962.928.000.000

[30 years, 6 months and 5 days]

Mamy Blue, Nicoletta [Mamy Blue, 1970] 3m 48s.

105

the homage [Jeanne didn’t speak English]

Aux doigts, le dé à coudre, l’aiguille et le fil Qui raccommodent les je de maux.

Ne te fais pas de sang, ma Jeanne, Je ferai sans tes sutures.

Range ton nécessaire, Au ciel, il fait toujours haut.

Au matin, un quart de Lexomil Maintient ta bobine tranquille.

Le clin de l’oeil vers l’horizon, Entrouvert sur l’avenir de tes enfants, Peuvent-ils venir plus souvent? À présent, ils sont grands.

Ils te manquent mais tu es digne.

Debout contre la fenêtre, tu tiens la ligne. À la verticale à l’horizontale tu penses à eux, Mélancolique et enfermée dans ta prison.

Ton âge trop sage, manque d’horizon.

Ma petite mamie, les années te déshabillent de tes fardeaux.

Tu peux te reposer dans ta maison de repos.

Seulement, pas trop. Pas trop longtemps.

J’ai peur que tu y trouves là une issue.

Le cadre est déprimant mais tu le maquilles si bien.

La trousse de toilette comme sac à main, La frousse du lendemain comme sac à dos.

Du rouge aux lèvres, Du rose aux joues, Du bleu aux yeux, Du Guerlain au cou.

Tu es la plus belle de ton étage De grabataires, d’octogénaires, de pépères.

Tous, en amour de toi, Enroulent leurs chaises devant la chambre de ton autel.

106

Tu es une lionne, Ma liane, ma Jane, ma ligne, ma loi.

Pas grave si tu a perdu la ligne, Si, amaigrie, tu clignes.

Si tu leur courbes le dos À ceux qui t’ont roulée, Dénoncée et bousculée.

Si ta bosse a bossé une fois de trop Si tu es cabossée, Si ton rimel s’est renversé, Si ton carrosse a déraillé, Si je ne te verrai plus jamais, Ma petite Mamie adorée.

L’heure est là.

Le peu de chair sous ta peau Ne peut tromper le patron là-haut.

Fais des rêves d’or et d’argent.

Tu es riche d’une vie de grande mère, Aimante et aimantée à ses enfants.

Tant de magnets endeuillés, à présent S’embrouillent de larmes chaudes.

Le regard magnétique est charbon.

Les pieds semblent nus dans la gadoue du cimetière, Les jambes tremblent sous la bruine d’octobre.

Les parapluies se tamponnent, Les coudes se resserrent, Une poignée de mains touchent la terre pour accompagner ta dernière robe.

Ton coffre est petit.

Son trésor est grand.

Mamie ma mie de pain.

Mon moleskine, Ma peau s’est ramollie.

C’est un Adieu cette fois.

C’est un amen, ma foi.

Emmène-moi.

Prends-moi au pays des héros, Mets moi sur ton manteau, On changera la couleur Des étoiles trop jaunes.

On les transformera en or, En argent, et en vermeille.

On sera bien, tu verras Au pays des merveilles.

Parées du pareil au même, On changera les vieilles manières, On chantera les airs de naguère.

Les larmes me traversent et m’esquintent, Parfumée à ta santé, je trinque. À l’eau.

107

Le temps passe et ne se retourne pas

Projection, [Octobre, 2010], 6m 37s.

108

ÂŤ Mamie?

Mamie?

Mamie?

Mamie?

Mamie?

Mamie?

Mamie?

Mamie?

Mamie?

Mamie?

Mamie?

Mamie?

Mamie?

M a M i e ?

? j’ai peur. 

109

w

o

r

k

i

n

g

a

c

t

r

e

s

s

i ’ s P e r f o r m a n c e , [ P a r a d / i / s i a ] 2 4 h / d a y.

day 28, the exit

the age, 36 the height, 154 the weight, 37 the potential, stronger the self, detoxified the habit, still questioning the answer, still questioning the weakness, Perrier the past, past the future, near the present, fast

112

113

day 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49

the vanquisher

114

the victory

i did it i am new i survived i have a story i am finally born i have so much energy i could move mountains i am so high on my montain the i is as high as it could get i t ’s a l l p e r c e p t i o n a n d p e r s p e c t ive i have the power to change even the eye now i can help i relate to the others’i[s].

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

115

Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine

Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun,

Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead 116

[Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third,

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4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m

52s.

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Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine

Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun,

Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead 117

[Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third,

2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008],

4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m

52s.

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Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine

Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun,

Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead

[Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third,

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4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m

52s.

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Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine

Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun,

Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead

[Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third,

2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008],

4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m

52s.

52s.

52s.

52s.

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Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

118

Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine

Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun,

Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead

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2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008],

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Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine Machine

Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun, Gun,

Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead Por tishead

[Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third, [Third,

2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008], 2008],

4m 4m 4m 4m 4m 4m

52s.

52s.

52s.

52s.

52s.

52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

119

i-inside out

120

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

Machine Gun, Por tishead [T hird, 2008], 4m 52s.

121

letter to the rabbi

Cher Rabbi, Je me permets de vous adresser une lettre de réclamations. En effet, j’ai quelque mal à trouver des réponses satisfaisantes, et ne sais où chercher.

Peut-être pourriez-vous m’aiguiller ?

Bien que je sorte d’une cure de désintoxication, je n’arrive pas pour autant à entrer ni rentrer dans l’Ordre. J’ai trouvé beaucoup de réconfort dans l’Alcool, mais ce dernier m’a joué des tours. Je me suis aussi réfugiée dans la faim et la Douleur, en vain. Malheureusement, je ne puis aujourd’hui me défaire de mes compagnons de voyage si facilement, raison pour laquelle je m’inquiète et m’adresse à vous.

J’ai lu dans un livre sur le judaïsme, que lorsque le vin entre, le secret sort. Je comprends ainsi, que l’ivrogne ne peut tenir ses secrets, qu’il est peu fiable.

J’imagine que ce ne peut être Bon, or, voyez-vous, j’aime avoir Mal. Avez-vous un remède pour ce genre de maladie ?

Est-il normal que je me retrouve en arrêt maladie parce que je fais finalement ce que les juifs pieux font, j’étudie. Je suis mon pire et mon meilleur cas d’étude. Je passe mes journées à m’alimenter de livres, de pensées, d’hypothèses, ou de recherches. J’étudie parce que je ne peux vivre dans ce monde sans le comprendre. Sans me comprendre. Mais je m’en sens coupable. Coupable, car les diktats de la société sont louables en théorie mais qu’en est-il de la pratique? On attend trop ou trop peu de nous. D’ailleurs, j’en profite pour préciser que je ne sais toujours pas qui est ce on dont tout le monde parle. Il a l’air grave et effrayant. Les hommes ont décidé de l’écouter sans broncher, or, je bronche. Je tique. J’ai appris qu’il fallait travailler le jour, se reposer la nuit et les weekends, afin d’être plus performant la semaine. Aussi, il est de rigueur de savoir ce à quoi on est bon, afin d’y consacrer lesdites journées jusqu’à épuisement, moment aussi appelé retraite, et nécessitant une grande préparation. Tout ce petit cycle servant somme toute d’après mes calculs à vaincre l’autre terrifiant, l’ennui. Au passage, Il est d’usage de faire perdurer la race humaine en donnant naissance à une longue lignée de dignes héritiers, signe de bonne santé, ou de bon sens. Mon problème, Rabbi, c’est que rien ne me correspond totalement, et que la totalité, comme l’intensité m’est indispensable.

Comment changer, alors ?, et doit-on forcément changer ? Comment appréhender et apprécier la mesure, la demi-teinte? Je suis blanche, aime me griser et broie du noir.

J’ai toujours lutté pour devenir ce que je ressentais être. Mais j’ai eu bien des surprises. En effet, je crois, et puis affirmer, que j’aime les femmes, pas 122

letter to the rabbi

seulement comme amies fidèles, mais comme compagnes de vie, peut-être même comme projet familial. Je ne sais si c’est un rejet de l’Homme, grand ou petit ou de la descendance. Ce me paraît juste plus juste de me retrouver dans les bras d’une femme. Pitié, n’essayez pas de me troubler à cet égard, j’ai eu beaucoup d’entraînement de par ma communauté, et serai intransigeante.

Je ressens aussi un appel vers les arts et la création. Pas la création du monde, bien que, mais la créativité. J’ai maintes fois tenté de m’en éloigner afin de rentrer dans un moule trop moulant, mais sans succès. C’est un chemin plutôt délicat et difficile. Je pense que j’y cherche et trouve toute la délicatesse qui me fait défaut quand la dureté du monde m’éclabousse au visage.

De même, cette trêve est souvent tachée par la culpabilité du moule, celle qui m’habite et me dessert depuis bien trop de temps. Vouloir rendre beau ne m’a rendue ni célèbre ni riche. Je n’en prétends pas tant, je souhaite simplement les conditions élémentaires afin d’être une belle personne.

Est-ce si complexe?

Je ne trouve aucun réconfort dans la nourriture. Mieux, ou pire, je refuse de m’alimenter. J’ai du mal à entrevoir la beauté de se restaurer, et manger demeure pour moi un signe de faiblesse, pour ne pas dire une perte de temps.

Pourtant, j’ai trop de temps. Tout ce temps à attendre. À combler l’attente.

Je crains penser que s’alimenter, comme enfanter, est un acte contre l’ennui, encore lui. Dès lors, je m’y refuse. Même si c’est inconfortable.

J’ai aussi entendu dire qu’on ne pouvait être enterrée tatouée ? Est-ce bien vrai ?, car ça me chagrine. En quoi suis-je moins juive en sortant de chez mon tatoueur aujourd’hui que je ne l’étais hier ? Et après la Guerre, a-t-on créé une nouvelle loi pour les rescapés des camps et leur matricule vert ?, ou leur a-t-on dévissé un bras? Avaient-ils assez souffert?

Je suis donc pleine de doutes, d’interrogations, et d’espoir. Quelque chose en moi ne veut pas céder, ni au vide, ni au plein.

Suis-je une sale juive ?

Sincères Salutations, Ethel Gutmann, qui se demande si D. existe, et si oui, s’il parle la même langue?

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letter to the rabbi

Dear Rabbi, This is a letter of complaint. Indeed, i have some difficulty finding satisfactory answers, and i do not know where to look. Maybe you can help me out.

I seem to have trouble keeping myself away from trouble. Although i went to rehabilty programme, i am not in order. I have found comfort in alcohol, but it played me tricks. I also took refuge in hunger and pain, in vain.

Unfortunately, i cannot get rid of my traveling companions so easily, here’s why i worry a little and write to you today.

I read in a book on judaism that when wine enters, secrets emerge, in [my] other words, that the drunkard is unreliable. I imagine this can’t be good, but, you see, i seem to like suffering. Is that so bad?, would you have a cure for this kind of disease?

As well, i find myself being officially on the sick list because i do, by the end, what religious jews do, i study. I am both my best and worst case study.

I spend my days feeding myself with books, thoughts, assumptions, and researches. I study because i can not live in this world without understanding it. Without understanding myself. Myself with the others. But i feel guilt for it. Guilt because the dictates of society tend to have, in theory, different expectations. We expect too much or too little of us. Besides, i would like to stress that i still don’t know who is that we everyone speaks about. This we looks serious and scary. Men have decided to listen to him without flinching, but, God, i flinch. I wince. I learned that we had to work at day, rest at night and weekends in order to perfom better in the week. Also, it is good to know what we are good at, to devote ourselves to the latter, to exhaustion, until retirement. And the last retreat requires thorough preparation. According to my calculations, this whole cycle is meant to defeat the terrifying notion of boredom. Incidentally, it is customary to perpetuate the human race by giving birth to a long line of worthy successors, sign of healthiness, or common sense. My problem Rabbi, is that none of the above suits me, that i don’t want to perform in this play-ground. That i feel more inclined towards completeness, totality, and intensity. To all costs. It costs me to say.

How to change then?, And must i change? I don’t know how to apprehend or appreciate halftoning. I am borderline, i live on the edge, i don’t like orders, and i am bored of learning lines i don’t believe in.

I have always struggled to become what i felt was close to being self. I had many surprises on the way. Indeed, i discovered, and therefore can affirm that i like women. Not as faithful friends only, but as companions for life, 124

letter to the rabbi

even as family project. Maybe i reject the hu/man, even the filiation, maybe i just find myself better in a woman’s arms. Please, do not try to distract me from this path, i’ve had my share of training with my community. I will be uncompromising.

I also feel a call to the arts and creativity. Not the creation of the world, although, but creating. I have repeatedly tried to get away from it. In order to fit into a mould. But the mould felt too tight. Creating seems a rather difficult path, but i think i seek in it the delicacy i miss when the hardness of the world spits in my face. This peaceful moment is often stained by the memory of the fitting mould, the one i cannot wear. My desire to make beauty hasn’t made me famous or rich so far. Although i do not claim for so much, i still need the basics to be a beautiful person. But, is that such a complex costume to find?

I find no comfort in feeding myself with food. I prefer words. I often find filling oneself up close to filling up the gaps. To fulfill the expectations. I fear to think that eating, like birth, is an act against boredom, again. Therefore, I refuse it, but it’s uncomfortable.

Last, but not least, i heard that jews could not be buried with tattoos? Is this true? Because it saddens me. And, after the war, did we create a new law for survivors of the camps and their green number?, Or did we unscrew their shameful arm? Had they suffered enough?

As you can see, i am full of doubts, questions and hopes. Something in me refuses to give in to the void, nor the full.

Am i a dirty Jew? Sincerely, Ethel Gutmann, who wonders if God exists, and if so, whether he speaks the same language?

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« i n t e r l u d e t wo, w h e r e i s t h e i i n t h e e y e ? »

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i ’ s P e r f o r a t i o n , [ P a r o d / i / a ] 2 4 h / d a y.

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day 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 70, 80, 90

the voice

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the vector-i

i doubt i am older i’m surviving i need my own story i was born twice already i lack strength or energy i could not move no finger i am so down under my bedsheets the i is as low as it can possibly get i t ’s a l l a b o u t p e r c e p t i o n a n d p e r s p e c t ive i want the power of self to change the odds somehow i can’t help it,i don’t relate to any i[s].

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inside the depression

I n t e r i o r s , Wo o d y A l l e n [ 1 9 7 8 ] , 1 h 3 9 m i n .

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ĂŠpisode 2

in in in in in in in in

years months weeks days hours minutes seconds milliseconds

36 23.682 102.972 720.808 17.299.392 1.037.963.520 62.277.811.200 62.277.811.200.465

current position, in the now-life.

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the depression

---------

----- ------ ----- ---- ----- ------- ------- ------------

---.-----.-----.----.---.---.---.---.----.---.---.----.---.---.---.---

current position, in the no-life.

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day 91

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the second arrival

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the patient’s

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i-depression

the patient’s

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un-i-dentified mission

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e

was the clinic black and white before?

the second first day

the activities, day A 07:00 breakfast, meds, bread jam and decaf 07:30 blood pressure 07:35 heart pulsations 08:00 shower 09:00 Citalopram infusion 10:00 void 12:00 lunch, meds fish and rice 12:30 void 18:30 dinner, meds, bread jam and decaf 19:00 void 22:36 meds and back to room 22:55 black.

20 5 1 20 60

min min min min min

30 min

30 min

1 min

time for to the institution, 3 hours 19 min 167 min time to self, 21 hours 21 min 1273 min - time of sleep, 7 hours 15 min -435 min free time to self-boredom, 14 hours 36 min

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838 min

the second first treat

the treatment, for depression antidepressant A Citalopram infusion 40 mg, one hour long, morning antidepressant B Nortrilen 25 mg, 1 dragee morning sleeping pill C Loramet [LormĂŠtazĂŠpam], 2 mg, 1 tablet, bed time tranquilizer D Xanax, 0,5 mg, 1 tablet, every 4 hour

40 mg 25 mg 2 mg 2 mg 69 mg

no visits for 10 days

lunch morning A B

D

dinner D

D

bed C

D

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the melody

I t ’s t h e l a s t g o o d b y e I s w e a r I can’t rely on a dime a’ day love T hat don’t g o anywhere I’ll learn to cry for someone else I can’t g et by on an odds and ends love T hat don’t ever match up I heard all you said And I took it to heart I won’t forg et I swear I have no regrets For the past is behind me To m o r r o w r e m i n d s m e j u s t w h e r e I can’t quite see the end How can I rely on my heart if I break it With my own two hands I heard all you said And I love you to death I heard all you said Don’t say anything I t ’s t h e l a s t g o o d b y e I s w e a r I can’t sur vive On a half hearted love That will never be whole

Last Goodbye, T he Kills [Blood Pressures, 2011] 3m 41s.

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Chant d’automne

I Bientôt nous plongerons dans les froides ténèbres ; Adieu, vive clarté de nos étés trop courts !

J’entends déjà tomber avec des chocs funèbres Le bois retentissant sur le pavé des cours.

Tout l’hiver va rentrer dans mon être : colère, Haine, frissons, horreur, labeur dur et forcé, Et, comme le soleil dans son enfer polaire, Mon coeur ne sera plus qu’un bloc rouge et glacé.

J’écoute en frémissant chaque bûche qui tombe ; L’échafaud qu’on bâtit n’a pas d’écho plus sourd.

Mon esprit est pareil à la tour qui succombe Sous les coups du bélier infatigable et lourd.

Il me semble, bercé par ce choc monotone, Qu’on cloue en grande hâte un cercueil quelque part.

Pour qui ? - C’était hier l’été ; voici l’automne !

Ce bruit mystérieux sonne comme un départ.

II J’aime de vos longs yeux la lumière verdâtre, Douce beauté, mais tout aujourd’hui m’est amer, Et rien, ni votre amour, ni le boudoir, ni l’âtre, Ne me vaut le soleil rayonnant sur la mer.

Et pourtant aimez-moi, tendre coeur ! soyez mère, Même pour un ingrat, même pour un méchant ; Amante ou soeur, soyez la douceur éphémère D’un glorieux automne ou d’un soleil couchant.

Courte tâche ! La tombe attend ; elle est avide !

Ah ! laissez-moi, mon front posé sur vos genoux, Goûter, en regrettant l’été blanc et torride, De l’arrière-saison le rayon jaune et doux !

Charles Baudelaire, Spleen et idéal [Les Fleurs du Mal, 1857] 144

Song of Autumn

I Soon we shall plunge into the cold darkness; Farewell, vivid brightness of our short-lived summers!

Already I hear the dismal sound of firewood Falling with a clatter on the courtyard pavements.

All winter will possess my being: wrath, Hate, horror, shivering, hard, forced labor, And, like the sun in his polar Hades, My heart will be no more than a frozen red block.

All atremble I listen to each falling log; The building of a scaffold has no duller sound.

My spirit resembles the tower which crumbles Under the tireless blows of the battering ram.

It seems to me, lulled by these monotonous shocks, That somewhere they're nailing a coffin, in great haste.

For whom? — Yesterday was summer; here is autumn That mysterious noise sounds like a departure.

II I love the greenish light of your long eyes, Sweet beauty, but today all to me is bitter; Nothing, neither your love, your boudoir, nor your hearth Is worth as much as the sunlight on the sea.

Yet, love me, tender heart! be a mother, Even to an ingrate, even to a scapegrace; Mistress or sister, be the fleeting sweetness Of a gorgeous autumn or of a setting sun.

Short task! The tomb awaits; it is avid!

Ah! let me, with my head bowed on your knees, Taste the sweet, yellow rays of the end of autumn, While I mourn for the white, torrid summer!

William Ag geler, The Flowers of Evil [1954] 145

too many days

146

the void

has a noise, the silence.

147

De battre, mon coeur s’est arrêté, Jacques Audiard [2005], 1h 47m.

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« - M i s s G. , y o u h a ve t o w a k e u p n o w -i suffer awake.

- I t ’s d a y t i m e , a t d a y w e g e t u p -i can’t. i’m down.

-I’ll do a report.

-yes. »

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the second first visit to the psychiatrist

the day, tuesday the meeting, psychiatrist the hour, 10.00 the pur pose, dig one. the look, richer [him], poorer [i] the tone, blunt [him], numb [i]

150

Miss G., you’re back to the A.D A.D? anonymous depressed you are not anonymous what’s the programme for us? it’s individual no group therapy? no. it’s a personnal approach what is the plan? step up for yourself what are the steps? paso doble? start with a solo danse

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152

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the second first visit to the psychotherapist

the day, wednesday the meeting, psychotherapist the hour, 12.00 the pur pose, still find one. the look, still sexy [her], still messy [i] the tone, encouraging [her], discourag ed [i]

154

Miss G. ... how are you feeling? pretty shitty why is that? i am still unfit but you are sober, now. and boring, and bored you are strong strongly empty you can break that i have no leitmotiv you will find the light when? be patient again?

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Mourir de ne pas mourir, Paul Eluard [1924] 156

No

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d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo

u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u

have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have 158

a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a

pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl

a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a

n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n? n?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

159

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ye

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? s.

conversation with Jeanne

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« -mamie, quand reviendras-tu?

-ma chérie, quand te décideras-tu à être heureuse? »

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the last family therapy

the mood, over stressed the feel, overwhelmed the thought, is it a good plan? the shower one, slightly calm the record one, 125 loops in 75 min around the pound the individual therapy, farewell the tears. the record two, 250 tennis strokes against the wall the sweat. the line, yes, this is a good plan the shower two, slightly clean the psychiatrist, farewell the nurse calling, ignored the lunch, skipped the nurse calling again, ignored again the thought, is it a good plan? the ping-pong group, skipped the nurse checking, missed the record three, 300 loops in the room the fear. the phone call [mother], ignored the text message [brother], ignored the email [father], ignored the thought, is it a good plan? the tears. the obsession, stick to the plan the shower three, slightly fresh the diner, missed the nurse checking one more time, missed one more time the last family therapy, assisted.

the last family therapy day, dismissed

the after last therapy, self relieved the mood, overwhelmed the sleeping pills, double dosage. fear. tears.

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i love you all. but i s e p e r a t e from you. no need to wor r y no need to grief i love you all. i love you all.

i will even more if i can be me. far more.

the cut is not final i t ’s a c l a p w e a p p l a u s e w h o d e c i d e s t o g r o w.

i am your daughter for ever will be.

but i want to think that i can be a mother.

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« f u g u e , l e t ’s m o v e t h e i f o r a b e t t e r v i e w »

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t h e

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t h e

g r e e n

Le Rayon vert, Eric Rohmer [1986], 1h 30 min.

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the colour three, the green [in favor of the h/openness]

the green has the colour of ...................... the essence the green has the smell of ...................... the nature the green has the freshness of ...................... the grass the green has the elegance of ...................... the possible the green has the syndrome of...................... the growth the green has the palette of ...................... the project the green has the promise of ...................... the transmission the green has the power of ...................... the regeneration the green has the conviction of ...................... the fertiliser the green has the assurance of ...................... the donation the green has the hope of ...................... the rest the green has the level of ...................... the balance the green has the shield of ...................... the ego-respect the green has the expertise of ...................... the science the green has the protection of ...................... the camouflage the green has the breeze of ...................... the spring the green has the rarity of ...................... the green light the green has the power of ...................... the freedom the green has the vision of ...................... the eternal the green has the nobility of ...................... the royal the green has the shape of ...................... the c-lover the green has the height of ...................... the tree the green has the feel of ...................... the three

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letter to Amélie Nothomb

Chère Amélie, J’ai vécu vingt ans en Belgique et je crois pouvoir affirmer que vous êtes ce que je digère le mieux de ce petit pays. Curieusement, je ne m’y suis jamais sentie en paix, nullement temporisée, à peine neutralisée. Mais peut-être est-ce une question d’état, d’esprit de contradiction. De manque de passion pour le chocolat. Alors, comment rester?

J’ai aimé votre correspondance avec ce soldat obèse. Je comprends ce mal et en souffre à l’envers. Mais le mal a-t-il un sens? De haut comme de bas, la violence heurte. Et assiéger son corps pour donner corps à sa voix, est ce bien raisonnable? J’ai reconnu la recette. La guerre interne qui légitime l’autre, la grande. Inutile, disent les israéliens, ce n’est pas drôle de jouer a la guerre. D’ailleurs, ils mangent comme des cochons! Le saviez-vous?

Donc ce soldat et moi partageons sans doute une certaine faute. Un goût douteux pour l’indignation.

Je vous écris de la colline originelle assise à un café de Jaffa, Tel Aviv.

J’espère que vous recevrez ma lettre, même s’il est doux parfois de penser qu’elle ne dépassera jamais la Méditerranée.

Je pense à vous cordialement, Ethel Gutmann

U n e f o r m e d e v i e, A m é l i e N o t h o m b [ 2 0 1 0 ] , 1 6 9 p.

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i ’ s P r o g r e s s , [ U n k n o w n ] u n l i m i t e d h / d a y.

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the acknowledgments

i thank all thinkers, philosophers, creators, artisans, artists, professors, scientists, mathematicians, rabbis, writers, designers, musicians, song writers, interprets, film directors, actors, publishers, choreographers, dancers, performers, perfumers, journalists, programmers, doctors, therapists, analysts, pharmacists, nurses, etc. for helping discover how honest the idea of understanding is.

ÂŤ I h a v e q u e s t i o n s t o a l l y o u r a n s w e r s Âť , Wo o d y A l l e n .

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in order of appearance Ar thur Rimbaud, A g a t h a C h r i s t i e , T he Doors, Françoise S a g a n , C h a i m Po t o k , Pe t e r G u t m a n n a n d C o l i n P l u m b, Guillaume Apollinaire, Vive la Fête, Pina Bausch, Antonin Ar thaud, Joy Division, Apple, Lacie, Bose, Marshall Headphones, Adobe Creativ e Suite, Aper ture, iMovie, G a r a g e B a n d , L o g i c P r o, F i n a l C u t , M i c r o s o f t O f f i c e, F a c e b o o k , Tw i t t e r , S k y p e , G m a i l , W i k i p e d i a , L e P e t i t L a r o u s s e , L e R o b e r t , B e s c h e r e l l e , H a r r a p ’s D i c t i o n a r y, Wo r d R e f e r e n c e , É d i t i o n s d u S e u i l , L e L i v r e d e P o c h e , Éditions Gallimard, Éditions 10-18, Actes Sud, Éditions Grasset&Fasquelle, Édition de l’Olivier, Éditions Albin Michel, Groupe Flammarion, Éditions Stock, Hachette C o l l e c t i o n s , É d i t i o n s Ve r t i c a l e s , B r a i l l e E d i t i o n , P e n g u i n B o o k s, H a r p e r C o l l i n s P u b l i s h e r s, Ta s ch e n , Pa n a s o n i c , L a m y, M o l e s k i n e , A p r i l 7 7 , S a r t o r e , Z a d i g & Vo l t a i r e , A m e r i c a n A p p a r e l , R a y b a n , O l i v e r P e o p l e ’s O p t i c , C h a n e l c o s m e t i c s , K i e h l ’s , C l i n i q u e , L a b e l l o , G u e r l a i n p a r fums, Les Éditions de Parfums Frédéric Malle, JeanC l a u d e E l l e n a , Av è n e , Ja n s s e n - C i l a g , P f i z e r , L u n d b e c k , M e d a P h a r m a , U r g o U r g o d e r m , S ch i l l e r AG m e d i c a l , K l e e n e x , P i n k L a d y, L e G r o u p e H o s p i t a l i e r L a R a m é e , S o d e x o f o o d s e r v i c e , N e s c a f é , M a m i e J e a n n e , To m Fo r d , Ja c q u e s Au d i a r t , V i t a l i c, E u r o s p o r t , Fr a n c e I n t e r, F r a n c e T é l é v i s i o n s , A r t e , B B C T V, T h e K i l l s , M e t r o n o m y, Chirine Gheyzel, Stanley Kubrick, Grace Jones, Mike Oldfield, Jane Birkin and Serg e Gainsbourg, BBr unes, D av i d B ow i e, B a r b a r a , M e c a n o, T h e Ro l l i n g S t o n e s, L i s a M i n n e l i , Pa t t i S m i t h , N i c o l e t t a , O c t o b r e, Po r t i s h e a d , t h e S i l e n c e , C h a r l e s B e a u d e l a i r e , Wo o d y A l l e n , E r i c R o h m e r , R a b b i D a h a n , B r a c h a L . E t t i n g e r, A m é l i e N o t h o m b, C h i c, t h e c i t i e s o f B r u s s e l s , P a r i s , L o n d o n , T e l A v i v, My Father, Mother, Samuel. also in my chest [of drawers] André Breton, Sophie Calle, Christian Boltanski, Nancy Huston, Paul Auster, Siri Hustvedt, Jean-Paul Sar tre, Sim o n e d e B e a u vo i r, D e s c a r t e s, Ju l i e t t e G r é c o, M a r g u e r i t e Duras, Jeanne Moreau, Gisèle Freund, Soap&Skin, Alain Bashung, Pascale Clark, David Lynch, Pedro Almodóvar, J u l i a n n e M o o r e , B e n j a m i n B i o l a y, L , C a t S t e v e n s , I s a b e l l e H u p p e r t , S t e p h e n D a l d r y, L e C o r b u s i e r , F r a n c i s B a c o n , Niag ara, Luz Casal, Nan Goldin, Diane Arbus, Hanni E l K h a t i , P a u l Ve r l a i n e , A n d r é G i d e , A l l e n G i n s b e r g , Amy Flamer, Les Inrockuptibles, Coen brothers, Ar t P r e s s, F r i e z e , Tr u m a n C a p o t e , M a r i l y n M o n r o e , L u c i a n Freud, Frankie g oes to Holywood, Kim Wilde, Madonna, P e t e D o h e r t y, P J H a r v e y, P i n k F l o y d , C a m i l l e , T h e Av a n l a n c h e s, É m i l e Z o l a , P h i l C o l l i n s, P l a c e b o, C l a u d e Chabrol, Jeanne Balibar, Ar naud Desplechin, Ber nardo Bertolucci, Susan Sontag, Gordon Matta-Clark, and many more.

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« chor us, Everybody dance, do-do-do Clap your hands, clap your hands Everybody dance, do-do-do Clap your hands, clap you hands Everybody dance, do-do-do Clap your hands, clap your hands Everybody dance, do-do-do Clap your hands, clap your hands Music never lets you down Puts a smile on your face Any time, anyplace Dancing helps relieve the pain Soothes your mind, makes you happy again Listen to those dancing feet Close your eyes and let go But it don’t mean a thing If it ain’t g ot that swing Bop-shoo-wa, bop-shoo-wa, bop-shoo-wa chorus Spinning all around the floor Just like Rogers and Astaire Hoof all night without a care Str utting to our favorite tune The good times always end too soon E v e r y b o d y ’s d a n c i n g Lift your feet, have some fun C o m e o n e v e r y b o d y, g e t o n y o u r f e e t Clap your hands E v e r y b o d y ’s s c r e a m i n g chorus »

Everybody Dance, Chic [Chic, 1977] 8m 27s.

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« with your kiss my life begins »

Wild Is The Wind, David Bowie [Station to Station, 1 9 7 6 ] 6 m 0 5 s .

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i ’s P r o j e c t , [ L i v e ] u n d e f i n e d h / l i f e .

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