Truth Vs Transparency

In my office, when it comes to truth, I always say that there are at least 3 sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth (which is generally somewhere in the middle). Over the years, I’ve come to see truth as largely an intellectual pursuit. Your truth comes out of your perception, which is based on thoughts you have in your mind about a particular situation. It’s a head thing.

Transparency, on the other hand, is the word I use to describe an element of a more evolved or psychologically mature relationship. Transparency involves full disclosure of not just the selfperceived truth but also the emotions that come along with it. It’s a heart thing.

Let’s say you and your spouse have a disagreement regarding parenting. In an effort to resolve it, you each share your perception of events based on the facts as you see them. Your perceptions are quite different, and you become gridlocked in your discussion because you just don’t agree on how things went. You talk more about what each of your realities is, and, not seeing a mutually acceptable resolution, you agree to disagree. That’s not a bad thing, per se, but it’s not really a solution that is positive for or grows the relationship. To get that, you should also include transparency in your discussion.

Transparency involves stating your truth but also sharing the deeper emotional impact: you state how you see things and then how you feel as a result. That can help you get down to intent, and that’s part of what really matters in relationships. Continuing our example, let’s say you share with your spouse what you thought she was saying to you with her statements (head). Then, you share that her words offended you because they made you feel like you weren’t doing enough as a parent (heart). That gives her an opportunity to state that her intent was not to insult but rather open a discussion about how the two of you can form a better partnership in parenting, demonstrating a more united front.

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